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George Hayduke's
=================
U P   Y O U R S !
=================
Guide to Advanced Revenge Techniques

A PALADIN PRESS BOOK

Neither the author nor the publisher [Nor the transcriptor] assumes any
responsibility for the use or misuse of information contained in this book. It
is sold for entertainment purposes only. Be warned!

Up Yours! George Hayduke's Guide to Advanced Revenge Techniques by George
Hayduke (c) 1982 by Paladin Press

ISBN 0-87364-249-x
Printed in the United States of America [Yay!]

Published by Paladin Press, a division of Paladin Enterprises, Inc.
P.O. Box 1307, Boulder Colorado 80306, USA.
(303) 443-7250

Direct Inquires and/or orders to the above address.
Typed in by Jason Scott, for the good of all information.

All rights reserved. except for use in a review, no portion of this book may be
reproduced in any form without the express written permission of the Publisher.
[I just did it, tho. O well.]




       "Everyone wants revenge," Jack Burns says, "That's natural."

                                                -Edward Abbey,
                                                   Good News


Other books by George Hayduke:

Get Even: The Complete book of Dirty Tricks [Complete?]
Get Even II: Even More Dirty Tricks from the Master of Revenge



LET'S SHARE A FEW THOUGHTS
==========================

  One of history's funnier artists was the late Hugh Troy.  He once said that
his favorite fantasy stunt entailed buying out the entire orchestra section of
the Metropolitan Opera House on opening night of some high-brow affair.  Ny
Troy's fiendish design, every person at the show would have a head of thick,
black hair.  That is, everyone except for a group of bald men, who would be
seated in a very special arrangement.  When viewed from the balcony, their
baldheads would spell out one of his favorite four-letter words.

  "I wasn't angry with anyone special; I just wanted to shock hell out of all
the pickle-personality snobs.  Besides, think of *my* fun, and how many people
would be amused and not insulted," Troy said later.

  Hugh Troy dreamed up his fantasy in a simpler time when people were much more
civilized in their behavior toward each other.  I would probably have been
happier back then, too.  But unlike Ronald Reagan and others of his ilk, I
cannot afford to put my head in some rich friend's corprate sandbox and pretend
it's 1949 again.  Let's talk today.

  Just about every single day, everyone except for the most obtuse functional
illiterate encounters situations where someone or some institution or buisness
tries to take unfair advantage of us.  Or, having trusted someone with our
money, time, or love, we suffer the consequences of uncaring incompetence.

  Think about it.  You can probably recall hundreds of times when you were
insulted, stepped on, or ripped off.  You didn't speak up to protect your
interests, possessions, property, reputation, or those of people you like and
love.  You were afraid, or maybe just timid.

  It is sad to think this sort of royal screwing is such a common experience
for Americans today.  And here we have the reason why I wrote my first book on
this topic:  *Get Even:  The Complete book of Dirty Tricks*.  My beautifully
incorrigible readers were then treated to a follow-up volume of vengeful
trickery:  *Get Even II:  Even More Dirty Tricks from the Master of Revenge*.
I don't know who first dreamed up that "Master of Revenge" moniker.  I think
it's just that I was the first person who was gutsy and crazy enough to
seriously address this issue - which threatens every man and woman among us.

  Anyway, *Up Yours!* is meant to fill the gap in sophistication evident in the
previous *Get Even* books.  Just as plastic vomit is now old hat, so are some
of the gags and scams I cooked up in the other two books.  So my readers and I
have put our evil little pea brains together to come up with this collection of
advanced harassment and revenge techniques.  They are specifically meant to
meet the challenge of getting even in the eighties.  Here you have it.

  If you sill believe that the meek shall inherit the earth, wake up and grow
up.  It's too late for that dream.  But, there's still time for you to protect
your own personal space and environment.  You don't do that by being an
indecisive wimp, either.  The bullies instantly eat wimps, do-gooders, and
other cheek turners for a one bite mini-snack.

  Is getting back at people useful?  Will it clear up your complexion?  Your
ulcers?  Robert G.  Wheaton writes, " From time to time I strike back and get
the satisfaction of vengance.  But, there are many times that it is sufficently
gratifying just to know that if I really wanted to deal some SOB some misery,
I'm now well armed with the required knowledge.  That way I can jst blow off or
ignore the minor nuisances and concentrate on the truly `needy' among enemies."

  There are a lot of unhappy folks who refuse to be stomped on.  The wimpy Earl
Keese of *Neighbors* fame is being replaced by folks like the Rev.  J.  Richerd
Young of Sun Valley, Arizona who writes, "Around here no one rips me off, but I
am known to be fair and honest.  I have been a dedicated *Get Even* person ever
since a garage ripped me off twelve years ago.  I put them out of buisness in
two months.  I never use violence, or resort to things which cause personal
injury.  I prefer mental torture as it leaves no scars that show and is nearly
imposssible to prosecute."

  The growing army of revenge-seekers ranges from unrepentant practical jokers
to out-and-out grim reapers.  David Havoc of Omaha says, "I'm very happy to
discover kindred spirits and that some of your plots are not only hatched and
pulled off by others than myself, but that in many circles, it is considered a
point of honor to get back at those bullies that make our lives miserable."

  Getting even has four big advantages, according to Jimi the Z of Kansas City,
one of my most prolific contributors.  His four are:

    1. It gives you the personal satisfaction of not having been beaten.
    2. It is a big deterrent to anyone repeating their offense against you or
       anyone else.
    3. It is fun for you and educational for both sides - you AND the mark.
    4. It might make some rotten people decent if they knew they couldn't get
       away with being bullies.

  There were some readers who wanted more sophistication, adjudication, and
humane selectivity.  For instance, some folks wrote to plead a degree of ethics
and humanity.  Onr man, who wants to be known simply as Jack S.  from San
Francisco, wrote that I should "maintain a certain degree of ethics, i.e.
treat your mark with as much humanity as he or she deserves."

  I think I made that point in my first book, and I still agree.  It's
important to make your revenge fit the crime.  But, as Jack points out, "Do not
get caught up in worrying too much about your mark.  In other words, don't let
your own conscience screw you...Punishments should fit the crime."

  Charles Platt questions my inclusion of both harmless and lethal stunts
without differentiation.  I assume he means some sort of product safety
warning, ranking revenge scams in terms of potential effect.  Mr.  Platt
writes, "I enjoyed your book, though I question your desicion to include
harmless pranks and lethal revenge tactics side by side, as if there isn't any
difference.  Even in the field of illegal revenge, there should be some scheme
of values."

  He is correct.  On the other hand, I feel uncomfortable making value
judgements for others.  Each of us must decide for ourselves not only what is
right or wrong, but also what is "just right" and what constitiutes "too much."
The majority of my readers are out for a belly laugh, or they are folks who
feel a sense of relief and reward just reading how someone else got even.  Yet
many readers DO use these stunts, putting my suggestions to "good purpose,"
whatever that means.  Personally, I believe in the Golden Rule; I really do.  I
also don't think this belief is at all inconsistent with anything in this book.

  At the risk of seeming a nag, which my friends tell me I am, please let me
beg you not to get even without provocation.  There is enough nastiness, ill
will and violence - both physical and mental - in our world without adding
senseless revenge to it.  And, don't be a bully.  Some of the stunts in this
bookare dangerous and should not be used by those with a single-digit IQ.  As
Bob Dylan said some years ago before his mind died and went straight, "Those
who live outside the law must really be honest."

                                                        GEORGE HAYDUKE



HOW TO USE THIS BOOK by M. Wellsley Spofford, Ph.D.
===================================================

  Mr.  Hayduke asked me to write a foreword to his book, but I felt too much
pedagogical rhetoric would only cloud its definitive purpose, which is far
beyond replication of his earlier philosophies.  Instead, I opted to produce
this methodological supplement for the reader's pragmatic edification.

  As before, Mr.  Hayduke has arranged his chapters both by subject and method,
then arranged these alphabetically.  In addition to searching chapter headings,
he suggests you search other specific areas as many of the items lend
themselves to more than one treatment.  Indeed, in his classic review of Mr.
Hayduke's original two books, Dr.  Millard Plankton, the renowned professor of
Arcaneology at Louisiana School of Divinity, notes that some serious scholars
of "Hayduking" have compiled extensive cross-indices of the various
combinations of our author's classifications of marks/stunts/materials/methods,
et cetera.  Mr.  Hayduke himself suggests that each reader perform an informal
search or working cross-index of his or her own, while using this book.  [Or
type it in, which enables me to LEARN everything in the book, instead of
placidly reading it.]

  In the author's own words, "If you have a problem with some person or
institiution or whatever, look to the chapter heading of this book for an
appropriate response in solving your problem thought the use of creative
revenge.  Look at some other headings, too, and you'll get more ideas to
escalate your deserved revenge."

  I can easily concour with that.  Here, then, is Mr.  Hayduke's newest book.
Please, gentle reader, enjoy yourself.


=========
ADDITIVES
=========

  Heidi and Hamilton, the dynamic duo from Canoga Park, may have cooked up a
delightful additive for your mark's soup.  It's called jimsonweed, a flowering
vine growing in Southern California and many other regions around the U.S.
While the leaves are quite poisonous, the root is certainly bizarre, or at
least it causes that sort of behavoir.  According to Heidi, it is from the
*Datura* family and was used by local Indians for getting buzzed.

  In any case, Hamilton chopped some root into very fine pieces and put in into
their soup without Heidi's knowledge.  She picks up the sad tale.

  "Half an hour after eating I was tired and dizzy.  In an hour I ahd the worst
case of cotton mouth even...gallons of water didn't even touch it.  Soon after,
I had the whirlies, like I was really drunk.  This high wasn't pleasant at all,
because by now both of us were sicker than dogs with non-stop dry heaves.  It
lasted into the next morning, and I had blurred vision the whole day.  Hamilton
says he used about one-third cup of chopped jimsonweed to three quarts of
lentil soup.  Wow!"

  The Dean of the Hayduke College of Pharmacology, Sambo Anderson, says
jimsonweed is poisonsous and can be acutely hallucinogenic.  He cautions that
if you muse use it, boil out the poison, use sparingly, and then, only on a
truly rotten mark.

  As in my past books, a reader passes along yet another additive for
Preparation H.  Bill from New Orleans suggests superglue.  I have no idea if
this is even feasible.  He swears that it will work.  I'm afraid to ask.
Superglue?  Hey, man, that's adding insult on injury.

  If for some reason you want to keep you mark on the move, you can add mineral
oil to his/her coffee.  Roger Orlando suggests you do this is steadily
increasing amounts until the correct posture for the mark is achieved.

=============
AIR POLLUTERS
=============

  This one's strictly for the minor league, neighborhood polluter, the
small-timer whose smoky house chimney looks like the whole Indian nation is
sending a smoke signal from his fireplace.  Or try it on a small industrial
plant where the roof anf chimney stack have fairly easy access.  Davey Jones
dips into his nasty locker for an actual story.

  We had this neighbor who used to burn garbage in his fireplace.  I think his
specialty was burning dead animals.  The gunk that poured out of that man's
chimney would give soot a good name.  It made Gary, Indiana look like God's
Country.

  "The fallout, both particulate and odorous, was terrible all over the
neighborhood.  There were complaints to the authorities, petitions, neighborly
persuasion visits.  Nothing worked.

  Then, one night when he was out, we got up on his roof and poured soft tar
down his chimney stack.  He was gone two days, came back,and fired up his
fireplace.  After about ten minutes, the fiery heat ignited the soft tar
coating we'd given his chimney...WHOOMM and WHOOOSHHH, it looked like a
combination of a Roman Candle and a direct hit on a fuel dump in a war movie.

  "The fire company got there in time to prevent serious damage, and the fire
marshall gave him hell because of the situation.  Everyone blamed the man for
burning crap in there all those months.  He moved out of the neighborhood
shortly after that."


=====
ARSON
=====

  Nobody seriously planning a torch job needs any of my help.  It's America's
fastest growing cottage industry.  However, maybe you just want to create the
illusion of an unsuccessful, but serious, attempt at arson.  If you can then
bring it to the attention of the insurance underwriter, it can be all the
better for you and your mark.

  Perhaps you are an ex-employee, terminated unfairly to make an opening for an
"affirmative action" type of replacement, or were framed by some other
employees in a cover-up.  If you feel you have a serious grievance, maybe you'd
like to let your mark, the police, or his insurance company think that his
place almost went "poof." With arson now a major crime wave, you can be sure
the mark's insurance will get terminated.

  Normally, a professional torch will set a lot of little blazes.  Even though
that's the way a pro works, it wouldn't be a good idea to use that M.O.
because you want to create the illusion that the only reason the arson failed
was because the time-delay incendiary never ignited and a call from a passer-by
(that's you) to the fire department thrwarted the arsonist.

  An often used time-delay incendiary is simply a book of matches with a
burning cigarette jammed between the cover and back row of matchheads.  In ten
minutes, the cigarette burns down, the matches ignite, the gasoline-soaked rags
underneath bloom into flame, and the arsonist is long gone.  Next goes the
structure.  That's real arson.

  However, if you light a cigarette and immediately stick it inside a small
container, such as a cigar tube, the cigarette will be starved for oxygen and
go out.  Now you're ready to prepare youe unsuccessful, evidential, incendiary
device.  Wedge the cigarette in the matchbook with the burned-out end sticking
out.  Collect an appropriate amount of cigarette ashes to drop under the
cigarette at the "arson" scene.  Leave this device at the scene, sitting on top
of a pile of gasoline-soaked rags that can't be traced back to you.  Depart.

  Now, call the fire department.  Use Haydukery to disguise your voice because
the call will certainly be recorded.  Metropolitan police and fire departments
routinely record all incoming calls.  During an investigation of attempted
arson, it is quite likely the victim will get to listen to the tape to see if
he recognizes the caller's voice.  Enough said.

===========
AUTOMOBILES
===========

  Many camheads and antivehicular guerrillas must read my books, or else they
are more prolific than the rest of you.  Without fail, the heaviest amounts of
mail come from readers want to share nasty things you can do to automobiles.
Many stunts were duplicated, and a few were totally without humor or redeeming
revenge value, so they are not included here.

  Maybe I should have named this book *Auto Madness*.  It seems everyine has
something nasty to do to every mark's car.  E.W. from Hastings (a funny name),
Nebraska is a perfect example of motoring meanness.  He writes, "George, try
dropping a handful of BBs or lead shot down the carburetor of your mark's
car...big,big,big repair bills."

  Next, E.W.  wants you to drain oil from the mark's automobile.  Replace the
plug, then fill the crankcase with water.  He says this will do more damage
than simply letting the oil run out.  E.W.  says this works well because the
oil warning lamp will not come on, yet the engine doesn't have any oil-which it
needs so badly.  Wasn't it the Bible where I read that oil and water don't mix?

  I'm sure all you motorheads and straights enjoyed the scene in *American
Graffiti* where Officer Holstein has the rear end ripped out from under his
cruiser.  The movie is history, but modern technology now makes it easier than
ever to recreate that scene for real.  It works for any mark, not just those of
the law enforcement persuasion.

  Our Kansas City whiz, Jimi the Z, cautions that you do this to nobody but a
truly mortal for because it is so devastatingly expensive.

  "You need some quarter-inch Kelvar rope, which is fairly lightweight, almost
invisible at night, but stronger than hell. Attach one end around both axle
sides with a double half-hitch. Leave twenty-five feet or so of slack, then
attach the other end to a cement post, steel lightpole, or something that isn't
going anywhere when the vehicle tries to.

  Believe me, this is fantastic to watch, to see the results.  It almost totals
the car, as the entire rear end suspension is destroyed with great frame damage
as well," Jimi writes with glee.

  Meanwhile, there is more to fuel the imagination.  Herb Bobwander is a real
sweetie when it comes to sugaring your mark's gas tank.  He say's, "Sugar
itself is messy and hard to pour into a tank.  That's why I always use sugar
cubes.  Just a few in the old gas tank, and his MPG will drop to zilch, his car
will stall out all the time and behave like a lemon colored dog." Gee Herb, you
sound just like a commercial...for Hayduking a car.

  If your mark has given you gas pains or a bellyache and you have access to
his car, let's next add Sam Stein's fuel to the fires of your revenge.  Sam
says to take your hacksaw and cut off about three inches of the pipe leading to
the car's gas tank.

  "Do it a few inches from the top of the tank so all the gas doesn't spill
out.  Also, leave at least six inches of pipe connected to the gas tank well
opening at the car body.

  "Take a length of black plastic tubing about three feet long, attach it to
the upper pipe, and secure it with a clamp.  Run the rest of it down under the
car so the end points to the right of the car.  Secure this under the car with
wires and string.  Then, cut the tubing about six inches from the side of the
car, so nobody will spot it."

  Sam says that when the mark goes into the gas station to fill 'er up, he's in
for a surprise.  As most gas jockeys just lock the nozzle and walk away,
thinking it will automatically stop...well....there should be about fifty
dollars of gasoline on the ground before anyone realizes something is wrong.

  On the other hand, if he just puts in a few dollars worth, the mark may not
notice the puddle from his misdirected gas supply line and will soon run out of
gas.  Let's hope it's miles from the nearest station.

  Either the American Mothball Marketing Association of fifty readers had the
same idea.  It seems that ten or fifteen mothballs popped into an auto's gas
tank does an amazing job of murdering its engine.  Unlike sugar, these little
timebombs dissolve completely in gasoline, so there is no visible evidence.
This one sounds like big bills at the repair shop.

  If you place a judicious amount of plaster of Paris in someone's automobile
carburetor it will at least keep the butterfly valve open, and that's the very
least says Elmo Lang of Zanesville, Ohio.

  This idea is untried but seems chemically sure, according to Alexander Hogg
of Tampa.  He says that an ordinary Tampax stuffed into a diesel fuel tank will
dissolve into extremely fine fibers which will clog filters and injection
pumps.  It seems as if that would be a bloody nuisance to the engine's owner.

  Putting additives in the crankcase is old hat.  Instead, put things in with
the transmission fluid.  If the mark's car is an automatic, many of the fuel
and oil additives mentioned in the earlier books will also destroy the
transmission.  Or, as Todd Proudfoot advocates, you can dissolve a bit of
parrafin wax in ethlene glycol.  It will stop any auto transmission.

  Wilson R. Drew provided two very positive and negative numbers to be used
for your mark's automobile.  His first idea is to switch the No.  1 and No.  8
wires in the firing order on the distributor cap of a vehicle with an automatic
transmission.  You will find these wires marked by number.  This will allow the
vehicle to start either in "Neutral" or "Park" positions, but will kill the
engine as soon as the shift lever is put into "Drive." It will happen
repeatedly and will cause all sorts of expensively fun problems for the mark,
and profit for some mechanic.

  Mr.  Drew's second idea involves people who want to touch your car, such as
hoodlums, theives, and other street scum that you want to keep away.  Get a
coil from a Ford Model A car and have it hooked up by a competent and friendly
mechanic.  He hooks it to your car in such a way as to discourage the street
slime from touching live metal surfaces.  According to Mr.  Drew, if this is
done properly, whenever any unautorized person touched the door handles,
bumper, or hood latch, he will recieve a jolt of electricity that feels like a
right cross to the genitals.  A small toggle switch located beneath the car
will shut off the electricity whenever you wish.

  I also get a lot of auto-releated letters from people who are furious with
the idiotic way drivers behave in shopping center parking lots.  I agree.
Parking in handicapped zones, fire lanes, walkways, and in front of stors is
boorish, lazy, inconsiderate, and downright deserving of all sorts of Haydukian
Mayhem.

  Pud Drunchniak tells me that he cruises the mall lots until he spots a repeat
offender he has noted from before.  Pud is retired, you see, and has a lot of
time to help make our world more civilized.

  "I see these uncivilized, healthy louts parked where they shouldn't while
some senior citizen or mother with her little kids has to hike through a
hundred yards of slush from her spot in the parking lot to get to the store.
That isn't right, and I do something about it."

  Old vigilante Pud carries a Crossman air pistol and a WHAMMO wrist rocket
with an ample supply of ammo for both in his car.  He parks woth a clear shot
at the offending vehicle well within range and fires several rounds at the
vehicle, wounding its windows or finish.

  "I wait until there is noise or something else distracting before I take
action, of course," Pud advises.  "Sometimes I work only at night.  I make two
or three attacks on different targets from different locations and positions,
then I leave the mall for the day.  Once in awhile I work from the roof, too.
But, I'm not as young and mobile as I used to be, so I mostly stick with my
car."

  That spring-loaded prick punch that machinists use is a handy pocket tool and
quite aptly named for dealing with marks.  With reasonable quiteness, it will
punch a few neat holes in the body panels of the mark's car, showing him where
he should mount a few do-dads from Western Auto, or so syas Texas's R.W.

  Here's one that almost seems timid, as if the meek really have taken over the
earth.  It's another variation on how to get back at some lout who bangs his
car door into your car at some parking facility.  You just stick toothpicks in
any and all locks on the mark's car, then break them off in the lock.  It helps
if it's winter and the toothpick is wet.  Actually, this stunt will work on
almost any lock.

  Jimi the Z doesn't believe in just slashing tires.  He says to use pliers and
pull out all the stems.  But, He tells you to leave the stems there as it is a
riot to watch marks try to stuff them back in.  Jimi suggests this great
payback for subhuman slimeballs, e.g., those rude bastards who steal
handicapped parking spots.

  Meanwhile, moving inside the vehicle, you've heard of bees in your bonnet?
With apologies to our British cousins, David Muridae has a little surprise for
your mark's automobile glove box.  Our Illinois-based trickster suggests
loosing a container full of bees or wasps into the glove box.  The poor mark
will bumble into that lot and learn what a sting operation is really like.

  California's infamous Arlo Jones has a lot of splendid suggestions to help
you modify your mark's automobile.  For istance, if your mark's vehicle has
power seats, move the seat into a totally uncomfortable position, then cut the
power cable that controls movement, or superglue the control knob.

  According to Arlo, you can also easily create an ant farm on wheels with the
mark's car by removing the ashtrays in the rear seat armrests.  You'll find a
lot of space under there for you to stuff half-eaten hamburgers or roadkill,
then dump a can of soda on that mess.  You could also produce the start of an
ant culture by picking up a few strays from the sidewalk and introducing them
to their new home.  Replace the ashtray and wait.  Arlo also mentions that if
your mark's car features hidden winshield wipers, removing them will create
quite a shock next time your mark is out driving in the rain or snow.

  If you like syringes of all sizes, Filthy McNasty, our resident expert on
various forms of antiestablishment guerrilla warfare, also has some tactics to
try on your mark's car.  He says to fill a basting syringe with castor oil,
then squirt it into the tailpipe and muffler of the mark's car.  After a few
minutes on the road, the vehicle will start to smoke beyond belief.

  You can also use this syringe to squirt a good dose of formaldehyde, el tacko
perfume, vile urine, or whatever else through the mark's car's open window.
Or, crack the window, run a garden hose in, and flood his car for real.

  Jimi the Z is full of more ideas.  This time he wants to reprogram the mark's
custom car horn - the type where the owner records his own tune onto the little
keyboard or cassette recorder.  Here's the new idea.  Substitute some of your
really gross stuff for his original selection.  For example, among some Latins,
the familiar refrain "Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits," is interpreted as meaning
"Screw Your Mother." This meaning was indepently confirmed by an East L.A.
friend of mine.

  I surely brought out all the experts of the automobile sabotage trade.
Jerald Jordan adds an improvement to the old trick of supergluing car locks by
telling us to seal the door's weather stripping to the car body.  Just apply
the glue all the way around and slam the door.

  If you'd like the police to stop his car and speak with your mark, you can
attract their attention by disconnecting his rear turn signal lights or his
rear car lights.  Sam from Connecticut did this to a habitually drunken fellow
employee who was a menace on the road.  Sam wanted the police to nail him from
drunk driving.  He got police attention by removing the bulbs from the
aforementioned drunk's car lights, causing police to pull the heavily marinated
mark over.  Result:  A free trip to jail for the sot, plus a heavy fine.

=====
BANKS
=====

  The First Federalism Savings and Mistrust Bank of Reagan Wattles, Kansas
opened its records to local law enforcement types who wanted to make a case on
a peace-loving resident who smoked dope, went his own way, and didn't think
Right.  The local oinkers were on a financial fishing trip, looking for any
possible scrap of illegal something or other to trip up Our Hero.  But he was
clean.

  To gain some revenge, Our Hero planned this one to happen while he was out of
town on business (yess, he had a real job).  He had a trusted lady from another
town rent a safe deposit box under the name of one of the local policemen.  She
placed a loudly ticking, eight-day clock in the box.  In another branch bank,
she did the same thing and planted a tiny tape player set to run for three
half-hour intervals a day.  The batteries would power it for three weeks.  On
an endless loop tape she had a voice screaming in panic, "Help, help, this bank
is holding me prisoner.  I'm trapped behind this wall in a cell.  Oh, God, help
me."

  Our officer friend nearly lost his badge over this one...

  When Bob Grain was in business, a flaky school teacher wrote him a bad check.
He submitted the check again, and it was paid.  However, since this jerk was
not high on anyone's list of favorite people, Bob decided to give hime
something else to do besides bothering people with his bad checks.

  "First, I noted the name of his bank and his account number," Bob reports.
"Then, for the next several weeks, every time I got the opportunity, I'd drive
by the after hours depository, fill out a blank deposit form with all his
infor, and deposit a penny in his account for him.  After eight or ten one-cent
deposits, the benk got all bent out of shape with him and called to see what he
was trying to achieve by making their employees waste time crediting him with
penny after penny.

  "The school teacher was very apologetic to the bank but couldn't figure out
an easy way to stop it since he wasn't doing it.  When the penny deposits
continued, the bank called him back and offered him two choices:  take his
Mickey Mouse account to some other bank, or change his account number and have
new checks printed.  By now he was highly indignant with the bank and told
*them* to shove it.  He is now banking elsewhere.

  "From personal business experience I also learned this rather valuable
trick," Bob reports.  "Suppose you have fowarded a check for collection, and it
bounces.  It comes back marked to indicate the account did not have sufficent
funds to pay that check.  In all probability, that account is still open and
has some funds remaining...just not enough to cover the check.

  "If you trust Mr.  Check Bouncer to eventually make good on his draft, the
most prudent action is obviously to resubmit the check, hoping by the time it
goes through the collection department the second time, he will have made a new
deposit.  But there are times when it might be more adbentageous to `eat' a
portion of the money involved and settle for a lesser amount...but get
something for sure.

  "Banks are very shy about giving out the amount of money actually in a
customer's account.  A little detective work can sometimes reveal what you need
to know.  Let's suppose the check you're holding is for $1,000.  You know
Bouncer probably doesn't have that much in the account.  Call the bank, tell
them you are holding a check from Check Bouncer for $1,000 and give them his
account number.  Ask them to verify that he does have funds to cover the check.
In a few minutes, they'll probably inform you that he doesn't.  Thank them and
tell them you won't take his check.  Give it a few minutes and have a friend
call back, and give another commercial name.  Tell them Bouncer just wrote you
a check for $700 and go through the whole procedure again.  Let's suppose this
time the word is that Bouncer's account can cover the check.  Thank them.

  "Now you have two numbers with a $300 spread.  You know he has at least $700
but not as much as $1,000.  Give it a few more minutes; the chances of getting
a different explyee are pretty good in large banks.  Call back; this time ask
about an $800 check...`Yes,' they say, `there are sufficient funds' Thank them
again.  You know it's over $800 and less than $1,000.

  "Call `em back and try $900 on them, same ruse.  Let's suppose this time the
word is `No.' At this point, you probably know more about Bouncer's account
that he does.  And, there is a way to recover a substantial amount of that
$1,000.

  "You know his account number and name and address from the check.  Drive to
the bank and try for a drive-in teller.  Pick up a blank deposit slip on the
way.  You've narrowed it down to a $2000 spread, so use your own money to make
a $200 cash deposit in Bouncer's account and ask the teller to credit it
promptly, acting as if you are Bouncer, and tell her you're afraid you're going
to be overdrawn.  That should get the $200 credited immediately.

  "Make a bee-line for the front door and present Bouncer's $1,000 check for
collection.  If everything goes as it should, they should pay off the check,
leaving his account almost empty.  You recovered $800 from his account.  If he
actually had $850, you ended up leaving him an extra $50, so you really lost
$250 on the jerk...but you didn't take the chance of losing the full kilobuck,"
Bob advises.

  "What's really upsetting is that banks are so scuzzy that if you just walk in
the front door and present the $1,000 check without all this advance work, they
will prbably decline payment.  If you tell them you'll accept any monies in his
account, in lieu of full payment, they will protect this scumbag and themselves
and still decline payment.  Then, while you're walking away, the next person
may present another of Bouncer's checks, this time for $850 and have it paid
immediately, no questions asked."

  Bob tells us that many computerized bank deposit programs give you a printout
showing the new balance.  This way, say, if you were depositing a dime or so in
your mark's account, you would also learn his or her total balance.  This bit
of infomration is wonderful to know, both for your use and prevention of use by
your enemies.  Gee, just sitting there reading Bob's letter, I jst thought of
five or six rotten uses for this information.


====
BARS
====

  A lot of women won't go into bars alone because derelicts of all persuasions
will bug them.  Some guys report that these creeps hit on their dates with them
present.  What's this world coming to?  Anyway, one young lady found a scam to
strike back at these score-artists.  He name is Wanda Woodland, and here's her
method.

  "I like to have a few drinks without all sorts of creeps bothering me.  But,
it never works out that way.  I decided to make them as miserable as they made
me.  So, one night, I let a guy buy me all kinds of drinks, and I ordered the
most expensive stuff I could get.  We then went through the `ride home' ritual
of stopping at a cocktail lounge with a motel.  I had insisted we take my car
which was O.K. with him.  He didn't know it, but it was essential for my plan.

  "His line was offered and I accepted.  So far, I hadn't even had to kiss the
jerk, and he hadn't tried to touch me.  I let him pay for the motel room, and
while he was in the shower getting all sexy, I took out my lipstick and wrote
on the large mirror above the bed, "MY FUN WAS IN YOUR CHASE...START WITHOUT
ME," quietly left the room, got in my car, and went home...laughing all the
way."



=========
BATHROOMS
=========

  Hedley Herndon from L.A.  has a good idea for any mark who displays an anal
personality.  He claims that he invited a guy to several parties and the man
made a complete ass of himself with the ladies, food, and drink.  Hedly thought
payback was in order.  He quietly walked into one of the mark's drunken parties
and found a spare roll of toilet paper in the closet.

  "I had some Tabasco sause in a small spray bottle.  I didn't want to hurt
anyone at the party, so I unrolled some of the paper on the spare roll, then
sprayed a few feet of it, let it dry, then rolled it back up again and put it
back for him alone to use," Hedley relates.



==============
BB MACHINE GUN
==============

  That BB machine gun sold via mail by a specialty outfit down in Florida, is a
formidable glass-trashing device.  When I think of BB guns and glass, I usually
think of small pockmarks.  But, that's what happens when you do a number on a
window with a Daisy.  The air-fed machine gun variety is a whole different ball
game.  The steady stream of BBs does unbelievable damage.  At a range of four
feet, on a two second drive-by, a reader put a hundered BBs into the side
windows of his mark's parked car.  He trashed all four side windows in several
seconds, and the glass just fell out in what he described as "an ice-maker gone
bezerk." The glass just collapsed under the steady impact.

  These guns use a can of automobile air conditioning freon for the propellent.
with a little customizing, they can be hooked up to a compressed air bottle as
well.  In this particular incident, the car was a company auto - the boss's car
- being used by the mark without his permission while he was out of town.  The
object of the sneak attack was simply to create a need for the mark to explain
it all to his boss.


==========
BILLBOARDS
==========

  Check the *Graffiti* section, too, but for this chapter, I'm indebted to
Gordon Goofbutt of Friendship, Maryland for persuading some of his colleagues
to do some creative captioning on local billboards.  After painting over the
existing headlines, they inserted their own balloon/caption combinations.
Gordon says most were gross and obscene, e.g., on one billboard showing a
handsome couple smoking a well-known cigarette brand, the male is saying to the
female, "Sit on my face, and I'll guess your weight."


==============
BOUNTY HUNTERS
==============

  Look through the dozens of relatively recent "Wanted" posters in the post
office for some nasty criminal who looks like your mark.  Hopefully, your mark
is not too well known or is a newcomer.  According to J.  Edgar Murtha, it's
amazingly true that in checking two hundred or so posters you'll be able to
come up with six people who have a fairly close resemblance to your various
enemies or marks.  Borrow those posters.

  To put this plan into action, show your mark's poster (or use Xerox copies to
which you've affixed a seal from your notary stamp - described in earlier
books) around macho bars where amatuer bounty hunters and other guys who read
*Soldier of Fortune* hang out.  Drop word that you're a pro hunter and that
there's a $25,000 reward for this person.  In hard times your wanted poster,
and your mark, will attract a lot of attention.  If you're especially ballsy,
visit the local constables and show them the poster copies.

  The thing that really makes this work, accoring to Murth, is *also* showing
some realistic stakeout-type photos of the subject which you have taken
yourself.  Explain that these are "surveillance" photos.  Let your bounty
hunter or constable compare the photos and the poster.  The closer you get to
the mark's neighborhood, the faster your operation will come home to haunt him.


===========
BUREAUCRATS
===========

  Bubba Bates was had by a buck-passing bureaucrat in Florida, i.e., he was
screwed out of a good job by this paperwork parasite.  Buck had an advertising
insparation.  He placed an ad in loacl papers offering jobs to "Male
Secretaries Only." He included such come-ons in the copy as "$11 an hour, must
be physically attractive and gentle," plus a few more choice character traits.
He then listed the mark's name and office location with a strong "no phone
calls" admonition in the ad.  He set the show-up-for-interview time as one
half-hour prior to the mark's office actually opening.  That meant that when
the bureaucratic mark arrived at work on the morning in question, he had a lot
on very ungentle male secretaries bitching away at each other and then at him
for his cattle-call style of recruitment.  I'd be willing to bet that some
members of the local vice squad were there, too.  Bubba Bates says you can
repeat this one as often and with as many variations as you feel the mark
requires.


===================
BUSINESS REPLY MAIL
===================

  A few weeks ago I got some unwanted mail trying to raise funds to buy private
military supplies for one or more of the fascist dictatorships in Latin
America.  I have little time for these enemies of all free people, so I thought
I would donate some medical supplies...collect...as there was a return reply
envelope included with their mailing.

  Using a tactic borrowed from a right-wing acquaintance, I got several old
gasoline cans and filled them with used oil...perfect for treating skin
problems like redass and redneck.  I packaged them well and marked the parcel
EMERGENCY MEDICAL SUPPLIES...PRIORITY MAIL.  I put their postage-paid return
envelope on the parcel and mailed it.  The good old USPS took care of it very
handily for me, even with a smile.

  Maybe that's because I was smiling too.


=====
CANDY
=====

  Every home or office has candy thieves...  the folks who say, "oh, I really
shouldn't but..." The worst ones, though, are those silent sneakers who empty
your candy box while your back is turned.  Here is a little appetizer for them.
Collect dead insects from dusty window sills.  Cover the little corpses with
chocolate and put them in with the real candy.  Bon appetit.

  This one may take some getting used to, and you may not want to even read
it...it's pretty yukky.  But, it came in and is sworn to as true by the
perpetrator.  It shows me how far people will go when they are frustrated or
screwed over by someone else.  Our source here is a man who wants to call
himself The Phantom from Whitman's Samplers.  You'll see the cogency in a
moment.

  Mr. Phantom got fired without cause by his very rotten boss, but only after
the young employee set up the system of accounting which would save the company
a lot of money.  After the employee set up the system and explained it, the
boss fired him and turned it over to his wife to operate.  Wives don't have to
be paid, I guess.

  Mr. Phantom's revenge was, ahh, sweet.  Here's his story.

  "My ex-boss was having a party for some of his equally crass friends.  I
decided to send along a present of my own `homemade candy; which I had an ally,
a friendly bartender, slip into the party.  I made sure my present was done up
all nicely in a Whitman Sampler box with real candy.  Here's how I prepared
that gift.

  "Several nights before the party I ate six ears of corn for dinner...nothing
else.  Later that evening, I ate two apples ( a great source of pectin).  The
next morning I moved my bowels into a plastic bag.  I allowed the feces to dry
in the sun for two days.  Wearing rubber gloves, I cut that dried block into
small squares the size of cherries.  They were semihard with whole kernels of
corn running through them, a decidedly disgusting visual effect.

  "Then, I melted four large bars of milk chocolate in a double boiler, and,
not unlike a fondue, I gently covered the feces pieces with the delectable milk
chocolate.

  "When they were dry, I wrapped each one in the golden foil that the original
chocolate-covered cherries come wrapped in.  I filled the box and resealed it."

  According to Mr.  Phantom, the bartender said the "gift" was devoured for a
few moments until one guest finally spit out a piece of "candy." Within two
minutes, there was not enough bathroom space to accomodate eighteen gastrically
ill guests involuntarily intent upon regurgitating.


==============
CASSETTE TAPES
==============

  Our ubiquitous Jimi the Z has a stunt for matron/marks and other lovers of
Lawrence Welk, 101 Strings, Frank Sinatra, and other geeks like those.  Of
course, their musical taste isn't what makes them marks.  You are merely using
that taste to hit back.  Jimi says to get access to their favorite tapes and
record over their numbers with rotten selections by Frank Zappa, the Sex
Pistols, or Captain Beefheart.


===
CBs
===

  CB must be a dying species.  As I drive across our country on the potholed
mazes we used to call highways, I rarely hear the Good Buddies like I used to a
few years ago.  Nontheless, if you are still bothered by a troublesome CBer,
beg borrow or buy with full-intent-to-return the biggest, most powerful linear
amplifier you can locate that will work with your mobile CB.  Pull up in your
mark's driveway or near his vehicle when you know he is on the air.  Wait until
he is recieveing, then key down with all the power your unit can muster.  Poof!
You put his off the air, and, maybe, through the roof.

  If your mark has graduated from CB to ham radio, and you can get his license
call letters and access to a radio to use, you can have a lot of fun.  Play
funky and kinky music, jam out repeaters and simplex operations, keep giving
his call sign over the air, talk dirty, and then cursingly dare other ham
operators to track you down.  Abuse them verbally.  Abuse their mothers.
CAUTION:  stay mobile and be prepared to move fast, fast, fast.  Hams are the
best signal trackers anywhere-far better than the FCC or those Nazis you always
see using radio tracking vans to hunt down spies and resistance leaders in WWII
movies.  All this expert technical advice comes from Filth McNasty, who knows
because he does.


=========
CHEMICALS
=========

  Dr. Doyle Conan, our medical adviser, said to mention gentian violet as a
great helper.  Officially, it is a powdered substance used for washing
laboratory slides.  But a problematic side effect is that is stains the skin a
rich shade of purple and is nearly impossible to wash off.  According to Dr.
Conan, it takes a week of repeated scrubbing to remove the stain.

  "The stuff is nontoxic, so you can put it in a spraying device to annoint
offending animals, children, ex-lovers, etc.," Dr.  Conan claims.

  Conjuring up an old experience from the Hayduke Depository of Rotten Things
I've Done to Deserving Folks, a friend and I had gotten some gentian violet one
summer and sprinkled the powder on some snooty bitches as they lay sunning
their vain bodies around a country club swimming pool.  A combination of
perperation, oil, and heat caused the powder to stick.  As the light staining
began, the young ladies raced to the pool to wash off the offending and
spreading color.  I leave the rest to your imagination.

  [Does anyone remember the staining scene in Private Benjamin?  I THINK this
is where they got the idea!]

  You remember the book *Black Like Me*?  Credit silver nitrate, also known as
lunar castic, for the ability to blacken one's skin.  According to the Rev.  J.
Richard Young, one ounce of this in a standard bottle of sun tan oil will cause
the mark's affected parts to turn quite black for several days.  It is also
highly soluble in warm water, which can be sprayed.

  I once knew a hospital orderly in the service who used it on a truly racist
solder whose waking moments were spent cursing blacks.  The orderly gave the
bigot a sponge bath with a solution containing a good dose of silver nitrate.
In a day the man's bolor went from Redneck to ethnic Dark.  A nurse in on the
gag told him his last blood transfusion had been donated be a solder of the
Negro persuasion.  In never changed the bigot's mentality, but it surely blew
his mind for a few days.

  Another reader who used silver notrate was Marie from New Orleans, who said
whe mixed it into some shaving cream owned by a friend who had done her an
injustice.  It worked just fine, as she reports with a chuckle about his
unwanted man tan.

  A nasty chemical known as copper sulfate is deadly poisonous to aquatic life,
as any sportsman knows.  Farmers know it is also very injurous to trees.  If,
for some ungodly reason, you want to kill someone's aquatic life or trees, this
stuff will do the trick.  Two pounds dumped into a pond will do the job, while
four ounces poured around the drip line - the outer edge of the leaves of any
given tree - will murder the tree.  Personally, I'd rather hurt people than
fish or trees.

  The canny Rev.  J.  Richard Young offers a fantastic tear gas substitute for
nasty dogs, cats, rats, bats, kids, and for use during domestic spats.  Go to a
chemical supply house and buy Formaldehyde 97%.  Tell them your kid has a big
insect collection or something.  Put it in a nasal spray bottle and fire away.
It will temporarily knock the socks off anything hit in the face with it.

  It's no lie, says Herb Bobwander, that lye is a great tool for the trickster.
Herb suggests you wrap some lye in a newspaper, fasten it with rubber bands,
then drop or throw this projectile onto your mark's car roof, roof gutters, or
other areas you want to be eaten through.  The lye will ruin paint, eat holes
in soft metals, plus stain paint and kill vegitation.  Now that's what I call
the right stuff.


===============
CHRISTMAS TREES
===============

  Stoney Dale used to live two doors away from a cantankerous old man who never
had a kind word for anyone.  The man verbally abused his neighbors and their
kids and pets, took potshots with a BB gun, or was always calling the police
for things he imagined people were doing to him.  The police regarded him as a
crank and dreaded his calls.  Stoney took it upon himself to get even on behalf
of the suffering neighborhood.

  "Two days past christmas I ran an ad in the local paper, saying, `I have a
need for all evergreen trees used for Christmas decoration.  Please leave them
on my driveway or lawn.  I will pay you $3 per tree.' I used the old grump's
name and address with the ad.  The newspaper took my cash and never checked the
story.  Withing two day's the old man's property was buried with the remains of
the town's yuletide," Stoney relates.


============
COLLEGE LIFE
============

  Jim Klann has a check-bouncing idea that he used to pull on slobs and others
who did rotten things to him while he was working his way through college.  It
was relatively simple, and it will work on almost any mark, not just college
students, in lots of situations.

  "I would place a call to the mark, identify myself as the college bursar and
inform him that his last tuition check had just bounced.  If it was his check,
that was it.  If it was his parents' check, I told him to call home
immediately.

  "I always called about three minutes before five o' clock so that if he asked
for more details, like the account or check number, I could mumble something
about the file clerk already locking up the records and that the office was
closing.  Then, I'd get stern again and tell him to call us back first thing in
the morning."

  Jim's scam had the mark calling home and worrying all night about bouncing a
check, owing service fees, and good stuff like that.

  Irritated because some mature and outstanding young men who belonged to the
right social fraternity at the University of Illinois stole, molested, and
terrorized his date, then threw up on his car, a fellow student who was
majoring in Haydukery come up with a winner.  There was an outdoor beer party
at the fraternity that afternoon.  Our man had another student walk over and
tell the frat guys that some students from another campus were going to try to
crash the party that afternoon, only they'd be dressed as local cops.  Then,
later, our hero called the local cops to complain about the lawn party.

  Later, this same student was awakened one morning by a crew of surly
construction workers from another town.  They were buisily and noisily digging
up the sidewalk in front of his room.  It was 6:08.  He dressed and went to his
eight o' clock class early.  On his way out, he stopped and talked with a
couple of the workers.  He told them that the last time a crew worked near
campus, a bunch of fraternity guys dressed up as campus cops tried to hassle
the workers as a practical joke.  The workers didn't like this idea one bit.

  Later, just before going into his class, our agitator called the campus
police office and told them a bunch of fraternity guys were dressed up as a
construction crew and were digging up the sidewalk at such and such an address.
When they asked him who it was, he gave them the name of the president of the
fraternity mentioned earlier.

  Aren't you sorry you didn't go to school with Joe from New Orleans?  He's the
guy who epoxy'd shut a deserving mark's dorm room the night before this kid's
most important final exams.  Why did Joe do this?

  "He (the mark) was a badass, always coming in drunk and blowing his dinner on
us, after a beer party; you know, throwing up in our rooms.  Nothing nice to
correct him worked, so we figured if we made him miss finals, he'd flunk the
courses and be out of school."

  In another case, one of Joe's dormmates from another floor used to think it
was funny to turn in false fire alarms.  That costs everyone something and is a
stupid thing to do.  Joe didn't think it was too funny either.  He got several
surplus fire extinguishers on the sly from a sympathetic fireman's friend, and
they filled the mark-who-cried-fire's room with foam while the kid lay in a
drunken stupor.

  If you thought Joe was nasty, try Kevin from the same grand old city over
there in Louisiana.  His mark was a bully who was always doing nasty things to
nice people.  Kevin gave him a double-barreled dose of his own meanness.  He
waited until the mark boldly announced he was going to cut a few days of
classes to go shack up with some campus tootsie he'd picked up in a bar.  Kevin
then called the school administration and each of the mark's teachers and told
them that he (Kevin) was the undertaker (using a real name) from the mark's
hometown and that the kid had died suddenly and to please take him off the
class lists, enrollment files, and the master computer list.  He said a letter
and death certificate would follow by mail.  Then, Kevin's buddy posed as a
school official, called the mark's parents and told them their son was dead as
a result of a party prank.  Kevin never went near the mark again.  A lot of
other people did though, and the mark had a lot of explaining to do.

  Wouldn't it be neat to get a bunch of course withdrawal forms from some
office on campus and fill them out in your mark's name?  You could then feed
that to the computer through the appropriate clerk and have the mark officially
withdrawn from classes.  The poor mark, of course, will continue to go to
class, take tests, do assignments, worry about grades, and all that good stuff.
Only at the end of term will he or she realize what happened.


=========
COMPUTERS
=========

  To err is human, to really muck things up requires a computer.  That's the
good word from Jim Whitehead, our computer expert.  According to Jim, any
competent programmer on a medium or large computer can write a program that
generates another program and so on.  You have the original program generate
two others, each with different random names.  These programs are copies of the
orginial.

  Thus, an electronic "tumor" will be created which doubles every half hour or
so, eventually bringing the entire system to a grinding halt.  Jim says you can
also bury this tumor in a program, to be activated only when a certain set of
conditions happen, creating a computer time bomb.

  One of Jim's other refinements could make merry times for someone in
corporatedom.  He notes that some systems as so computerized that they
generate, write, and mail letters automatically without having a human
involved.  It's all in the programming. Jim leaves it to the imagination of the
reader to devise uses for this ability, e.g. use the computer to sign the names
of uptight officers of a very straight corporation on letters advocating a
satanic cult to be sent to stockholders. Use the corporate letterhead, of
course.

  Not one to ignore upgrading treachery along with the establishment's
technology, may I offer a new piece of equipment for use in confusing
computers.  Computer expert Gunther Girkin says that large magnets aren't very
efficient at upsetting computers and suggests the use of an E-Bow.  An E-Bow is
a little gizmo that electric guitar players use to get that "Wah-Wah" sound.
It sets up an AC magnetic field to vibrate the guitar strings.  Girkin says
that same field does a helluva job on computer tapes, floppies, hard disks.
etc.  One big drawback is that an E-Bow costs over a hundered dollards.  Of
course, you could get freindly with a guitar player and borrow one for your
attack.


=======
CONDOMS
=======

  Big Jules Torquate of Newark came up with a piercing twist to the old idea of
sticking holes in condoms.  It seems his sister was living with her supposedly
faithful sweetheart.  Then, one day little sister found a hefty supply of
Trojans.  She thought this was a bit odd since she was on the pill.  Then she
recalled the late nights, the early mornings, the excuses, the odd odors, and
other things about her lover's behavior of late that didn't add up - until she
found the hidden condoms.

  Jules' sister put the venerable pin pricks in the rubber goods, then put them
back carefully so that Mr.  Wrong would continue to rely on their
effectiveness.  When Jules found out about all of this, he added the final
touch (ouch!).  He carefully skewered a large pin into the last condom, as a
signal that is's owner had misplaced his trust in his organ as much as Jule's
little sister had in him.


==================
CONVENIENCE STORES
==================

  If you'd like to add a secondary mark to your revenge on a guilty convenience
store, enjoy this idea sent along by Sam Stein, a Connecticut Hayduker with a
great sense of humor.  Sam says to call the store and have them set aside about
ten copies of today's newspaper and hold them for _________ (secondary mark's
name).  If the papers arrive at 2:00pm, call about 3:30, as this will give them
time to sell most copies and be down to the last ones for rush-hour traffic
commuters.  In any case, when you gather your intelligence, note numbers of
papers and times sold so you are sure to reserve the last copies.

  You tell the clerk that you'll pick up your copies within the hour as you're
coming from work.  By 5:30, the salesclerk usually calls the mark's home.  If
he or she is home, the clerk may complain, but usually, they'll get things
straightened out.  If the mark's not home, it works even better.

  Call the clerk back around 6:30 and say you were delayed in traffic and are
still intending to pick up the newspapers.  Tell the clerk you'll be there by
7:00.  The clerk will probably raise hell.  Try innocence.  Blame "your
brother" for answering tyour phone at home, playing a joke on him/her, and of
course you want the papers.  Be adamant.

  Call the store at 7:30 and tell the clerk you don't want the papers anymore
because the news is all old.  The clerk will really raise hell now.  You should
get abusive.  Repeat who is calling.  Use the mark's name often and threaten
the clerk.

  Other things you can tell the clerk are that you'll trash the store, burn it
down, burn his or her car, or torture him/her.  If the clerk threatens to call
the police, tell him to go ahead and try.  Say you'll be down there in three
minutes to kill him *and* the "gawddamn pig-cops."

  Within moments, the police will be rushing Code 3 to your mark's home in
swarms with all lights and sirens blearing.  Sam says that if the cops don't
show because the clerk failed to call, then visit the store that night and toss
a brick through the window or dump the mark's garbage in the store or on the
sidewalk (see *Garbage*).  Then, start the entire process over again.


============
CREDIT CARDS
============

  Gennifer Roberta Glotinis, our credit card wizard, let's you know how truly
easy it is to cancel your mark's credit card.  You simply call the company
telephone number and give them the mark's name and address.  You don't need the
card number, but it would give you lots more credibility if you could provide
it.  Ms.  Glotinis tells me this scam works and sometimes they don't even check
on such claims before taking action.  As an alternative, report your mark's
card as lost or stolen.


=============
DELICATESSENS
=============

  The only bad thing about The Clay Demolay Delicatessen is the fact that bugs,
insects, and other many-legged vermin are among its best customers.  While the
employees begged for sanitation improvements, the owner, Myers Demolay, just
chortled and counted his profits.  One of these employees, whom we'll call
Deliboy Dave, finally tired of begging for better working conditions.  He
decided to bug the boss, literally.

  "One summer, we had a mammoth order for hoagies that I had to prepare.  The
big horse flies were buzzing all around as I worked," Deliboy Dave recounts,
"so, I started using two pieces of provolone cheese as a compression fly
swatter.  I'd blast a few bugs between two slices of the cheese, leaving the
small corpses and attendant gore on the slices.

  "Then, I'd add the fly 'n guts garnished slices to the hoagies on our
assembly line.  Nobody noticed, and about one hundred-fifty hoagues went out
that day.  I didn't work the next day, but I was told that some eighty irate
people stormed the place."


=================
DEPARTMENT STORES
=================

  Mike Leary was a strnage enough guy but a victim of his own circumstances,
i.e., he was lazy and thus, difficult to employ.  It was under this cloud that
he was browsing in the Lou A.  Miller House of Fashion one spring day.  He was
daydream shopping for his nonexistant girlfriend when a clerk asked if she
might help him.  He smiled and said he was just looking.  She frosted him with
a glance and went to search for the manager.

  Mrs.  Miller personally told Mr.  Leary that he should not loiter in her
store unless he was a serious customer.  At that point, Mr.  Leary grew very
serious intentions in him ind.  He left the store right away.  He made plans
over the next few weeks, including recon and buying some supplies.  Then, on
the big day, he shaved, put on his best suit, and went back into the store just
before closing time.

  He waited carefully a few moments, then ducked quietly into a dressing stall
on the floor.  He knew the clerks never checked there before locking up at
night since he had done his intelligence recon before pulling his stunt.  Whe
the last person had left, Mr.  Leary brought out his bag of tricks.

  He went quickly to the display window and started gibing the mannequins some
fashion accessories in the most aproppriate places.  For example, on an elegant
lady mannequin, he placed a chewed cigar butt in her upraised fingers.  In the
hand of another femal mannequin, he hung a dripping douche bag.  A male dummy
was now posed with the buisness end of an enima fixture in one hand.  The tube
disappeared elsewhere.  Let me give you a list of some of the other objects
that Mr.  Leary placed with the window and in-store mannequins in his brief
fifteen minutes of action before he quietly and safely left the store.  They
included:  three large dildoes, a squash, a pizza, two accu-jac devices, two
vinyl female sex dolls, an Elvis poster, and some plastic religious artifacts.
You can play mix-and-match to figure what went where.


===========
DIAL-A-JOKE
===========

  Joe Copcheck's old uncle was bamboozled by a fast-talking salesman for a
publishing firm and ended up with a dozen unwanted book and magazine
subscriptions.  Reasonable, orderly, and rational letters didn't help the old
man in his attempt to return the books, nor did Joe's telephone calls on his
uncle's behalf.  So, they decided not to pay anymore, hoping to hear from an
understanding human.  Instead, the elderly man was bugged night and day by the
publisher's sales rep's bullying phone calls, then by threats of collection
agencies, and finally, by the dunning agents themselves.  All this was for a
$200 balance on a $350 unwanted order which he had tried to cancel. Joe finally
got angry enough to do something outside the line of reason.  But, he kept his
sense of humor.

  "Every city has a Dial-A-Joke line.  You can never get through because the
line is always tied up by someone calling...all hours of the day and night,"
Joe informs me.  "I used $200 of my own money - the same amount the bastards
were terrorizing my uncle for - and placed ads in some local newspapers,
including the local college paper for a `Brand New Off-The-Wall Dial-A-Joke
Service.  ADULTS ONLY!'

  "Obviously, I listed the publishing house's various office telephone numbers.
Then, through a friend who works for the phone company, I got the unlisted home
telephone numbers of the publisher and the president of the collection agency.
I ran these numbers with an ad in a local scuzzy porno sheet offering `Free Sex
calls!  Our Hot, Young Coeds Play with Themselves and Talk Dirty to You - All
Free to Introduce Our New Service!  CALL TODAY!"

  Joe and his uncle had their money's worth and eventually, the company and
collection agency gave up, as Joe knew they would, because it didn't pay to
take the old man to court for $200.  So, the Copchecks got a lot of laughs
besides the books and magazines.

  Joe also passes along some variations of this scam, e.g., DialA-Prayer for an
atheistic mark; Dial-A-Nazi for a Jewish mark, or vice-versa; and Dial-AnOrgasm
for a prudish mark.  Advertise in local papers or post handbills and enjoy the
fun.  Joe asks only that you keep those calls a'coming, gang.


=========================
DIRTY OLD (AND YOUNG) MEN
=========================

  It seems as if college kids have all the fun.  Actually, for every person
having the fun, there is probably a victim who needs to fight back.  For
example, John and Dave were roommates at the University of Virginia in
Charlottesville.  I know the place well, as a young lady and I were once
apprehended there in a condition of being drunk and very disorderly by local
police.  But, that was years ago.  Recently, Dave complained because he was
always getting kicked out of their room by John.  The reason was that John was
one of the top dirty young men on campus.  There have probably been more women
on his bed than springs in his mattress.

  Not having the same luck or problem, and needing to study and sleep, Dave
spoke with John about some consideration.  John said he was on a roll, so to
speak, and the hell with his roomie.  Dave enlisted the help of his friend Jim,
the computer expert, and they got even.

  Jim says, "We took the thin foil of an empty condom wrapper and placed it in
the middle of a deck of John's Computer class cards that he was ready to run
through the machine.

  "About an hour or so after he submitted his program (the cards), John got a
call to report immediately to the office of the Computer Systems administrator.
Leaning over his massive desk, this red-faced bureaucrat hissed at John, `It
took us nearly an hour to dig this (holding up the condom foil) out of the card
reader.  You cost us over $500 in down time.  You must think you're pretty
smart...'

  `John was totally taken aback.  He stammered and stuttered some kind of
apology and was told, `We won't forget this and neither will your reputation.'
John soon became known as The Condom Kid, and because of all this, girls
started to shun him.  Dave soon got his half of the room back again."

  This gag works both on dirty old men (DOM) *and* dirty young men (DYM).


  A lot of people ask what they can do to put down the DOM supervisors who
figure sexual harassment will work in a pinch during our hard economic times.
One reader had an answer.  She worked in state government and her slimeball
boss told her it was either put out or get out.  Instead, she got him put out.

  "I got hold of the man's resume through another lady who was pernoally
sympathetic because she'd been down that road with him before.  I made copies
of the resume and sent them all over the place to other state government
offices with a personal cover letter `from' my supervisor/mark.  I explained
that `I' wanted a transfer because `my' boss was making homosexual advances
towards `me.'

  "You can imagine the impact when word filtered back to the mark's boss about
those letters `from' my supervisor.  My boss was shaken and shattered when his
boss confronted him.  No amount of explaining and denying could straighten out
the ill feeling.

  "Finally, I had both a male friend and another girl friend call the
supervisor at home and tell him that he hadn't seen anything yet unless he
stopped his shabby, sexual harassment of women.  He did."

  Don't cross the Claw of Justice, as one reader from British Columbia calls
himself.  He had a dirty old man bothering a lady friend of his and the creep
wouldn't take "Get lost" for an answer.  The Claw and his friend found out that
all mail addressed to individuals at the DOM's corporate office was opened by
mail clerks and routed from there.  The next step was obvious.  They designed
and had printed some disgusting letterhead and envelopes for a magazine named
*Gay Bondage*.  They wrote the mark, in care of his employer, telling him
"We're sorry, the women's leather undergarments you ordered in a men's large
size have been delayed in shipment."

  Later, when it was time for the office Christmas party, our friends sent him
a pair of perfumed black bikini underwear, soaked in sickening perfume, with a
note that read, "you loved taking these off me when you had me on your office
desk.  Smell them and reconsider your desicion not to see me again...Love,
Celeste." The claw says you can also send that last one to the mark's home for
his prune-faced wife to enjoy with him during the holiday season...or whenever.


=====
DRUGS
=====

  Everyone who smokes a bit of dope gets hit on by moochers.  Wayne Weed from
New Orleans has one way of dealing with chronic or obnoxious moochers.  "Hey,
I'm as generous as they come, to a point.  After a while, forget it, man.  What
I do is roll some joints using parsley and maybe a few dead seeds scattered in
for realism.  Serious dopers get the message soon, others don't.  What's funny
is the amateurs who think they're high...on parsley...that's the hilarious
part," says Wayne.

  Some serious sophisticates from L.A., namely Larry and someone signing his
letter Zapata, suggest that you grind up a No-Doz pill or two and put it into a
little envelope known in drug circles as a bindle.  Use this as a plant, then
do your duty as a good citizen to report the suspicious person, i.e., your
mark, for posession.


==========
EXPLOSIVES
==========

  Pume sodium is banned from commercial aircraft because it becomes extremely
reactive when it comes in contact with water in any form.  Pume phosphorous,
its neighbor, is also not allowed on aircraft because it will ignite
spontaneously in air about 85oF.  These two facts are from the lessons of Dr.
Foge Football, George Hayduke Professor of Chemistry at Zambotti University.
They are for your personal use.

  It is getting tougher and harder for decent, good, solid citizens to buy
fireworks, either legally or otherwise.  If it's tough for them, think what it
is for the like of you and me!  That's where Filthy McNasty comes to out
blow-it-yourself rescue.

  Filthy wants you to try his recipe for making your own M-80s to be used in
various gags.  He says this is the best method he ever heard of and believe me,
Filthy is an expert.

  "To make the M-80s, you need precut casing stock three-fourths of an inch
inside diameter by half an inch inside diameter, the green style of M-80 safety
fuse, potassium perchlorate, German black aluminum powder, half-inch end plugs,
and glue," says Filthy.

  "First, cut the casing stock into casings one and a half inches long.  Plug
one end with a half-inch end plug and glue.  Allow to dry.  Punch a one-eighth
inch hole in the center of the side of the casing and insert a three-inch piece
of safety fuse.  Secure with a drop of glue and allow to dry.  Repeat for as
many casings as you want.

  "Now it's time to mix the powder.  In a coffee can, mix seven parts of
potassium perchlorate and three parts of the German black aluminum powder.
But, please wear some type of face mask and heavy gloves while doing this for
your own safety.

  "When you've mixed the two chemicals thoroughly, the powder is done.  Keep it
in the coffee can, covered, until needed.  These parts are measured by grams,
so a decent gram scale should be used.  Get a good one.  It's worth it in the
long run," Filthy adds.

  "Fill each casing about three-quarters full with the powder and glue in the
other end plug.  Allow to dry.  The finished M-80s can now be painted and
waterproofed.  To waterproof, simply rub some paraffin wax on the casing and
the ends.  This isn't really necessary but is a good idea."

  These M-80s are really very powerful, so caution is advised.  Enjoy!

  All of these items are sold by Westech and are of excellent quality (See
*Sources*).

  A small amount of crushed iodine crystals is the starter for a fine contact
explosive.  According to the Rev.  J.  Richard Young, cover the crushed
crystals with a few ounces of nondetergent household ammonia or use ammonium
hydroxide.  Let it all sit for ten minutes, then pour off the liquid.  You must
then store this crystal explosive in a well-stoppered vial out of sunlight and
at a temperature below 100oF.  Heat and sunlight cause rapid deterioration.
According to the reverend, this will store actively for months in your freezer.

  It is a noisy and relatively safe explosive.  But, it must be dry to blow.
For example, you could break off the graphite on the end of a pencil, then coat
the pencil end with the explosive.  When someone sharpens this pencil, there
will be a BOOM.  Dab a small amount on light switches, door knobs, or sprinkle
it on floors.  But use small amounts so nobody is physically injured.  Damp or
soiled pants we don't care about.


===============
FAN CLUB FREAKS
===============

  Sometimes fan club freaks are obnoxious, even dangerous.  A radio station
personality was actually assaulted by an Elvis freak because he wouldn't keep
playing her favorite selections.

  "I got back at her by puking a colorfully spectacular cascade of vomit from
pizza, wine, carrots, and candy into a plastic bag a week later.  I tossed in a
whole bunch of vitamin capsules and other pills, then mailed it to her at work,
telling her that the National Elvis Fan Club was donating this package of
`Elvis's Last Supper' to her."

  Long live the king!


================
FAST FOOD STORES
================

  Here's a switch.  Suppose you work at one of these gastronomic whore houses
and want to get back at some of the absolute idiot customers who make your life
awful.  There are lots of people who stop at fast food shops and demand the
world and everything else in the most obnoxious way.  Want to pay them
back...while still smiling?


     * Freddie from San Antonio works at (don't you wish you knew?) and says
       when someone urinates him off, he coughs up huge wet hawkers and blows
       them into their food before serving it.

     * Allen, who works at Boston, cools off his temper from dealing with an
       awful customer by walking into the cooler and placing pieces of used
       toilet paper between ground beef patties of a franchise favorite.

     * Sid used to do worse when a customer upset him without reason where he
       cooked. He would actually dab little flecks of feces on their patties
       after he had cooked them.

     * At nationally recognized franchises that feature fries, you'll think
       about Larry, the cook. If he is irritated the night before, without
       fail, the next morning he will pee into every French fry bin.


  Perhaps Bob Grain was on the mark's end of one of these employee stunts.
Maybe that's why he drove to his local fast food outlet that used an outdoor
two-way "drive-in" order device.  Bob says he ordered a huge, expensive, and
complicated meal, then immediately drove on through the line and far, far away.

  I asked one of my moles inside a local fast food mark about this.  She said
there was a very good chance the people in the car behind Bob's would get the
order.  If it were a big, complicated order, there would be an argument.  If it
were small, they might pay for it before realizing something was wrong.
Hopefully, by then, as Bob noted, their kids would have it scattered all over
the car.  Of such wonders dreams are made?  My mole says the best time to pull
this off would be the busy times at lunch and during evening meal hours.  She
says it will work.

  May I take your order?


=====
FEARS
=====

  Most people fear the unknown.  Dr.  Paul Wilson, a noted psychic, says, "That
old fear of the dark, the bogeyman, of what lies under our beds at night is
with us to one extent or another." George W.  Hayduke, Jr., a noted rotten
person, says this universal fear can be used to your advantage against almost
any mark.

  Odd noises at night, strange lights and/or sounds, bizarre telephone calls,
cult and occult pictures sent through the mail, someone staring at the
mark...all sorts of things prey on the mark's insecurities. Fear belongs; use
it wisely.


=======
FLOWERS
=======

  Barbara from Chicago once lost her man to a true tramp.  Using her mind
rather than her body to fight back, Barbara sent this hussy a floral
arrangement in the man's name.  Included amid all the "ohh and ahh" pretty
posies were selected portions of poison ivy.


=======
FORGERY
=======

  A lot of strange people call in when I'm on talk shows.  One of them not only
claimed to have spent time in the slammer for passing bad checks, but he also
said he was truly a professional forger.  He passed along the advice that you
can disguise your handwriting by wearing one or more pair of gloves when you
want to write something in a handwriting other that your own, for whatever
reason.  While he was relating this I was wondering why, if he's so good, he
was in prison!


===================
GARAGE DOOR OPENERS
===================

  Many garage door openers work for more than one door.  Usually, the cheaper
the model, the more universal its application, according to our electronic
entry expert, Toby Bill.  He has a collection of openers, plus a friend who can
modify a unit into a fairly universial electronic master key.

  "We can entertain ourselves by countermanding the legitimate use of openers
by nasty neighbors, lowlifes, and other marks.  Once, we had unusually good
timing and managed to close a heavy double door in the middle of a Lincoln
Continental our mark was backing out of his garage.  Crunch!  Other times, we
open doors late at night in hopes vermin and varmits will infest the mark's
living area."


=======
GARBAGE
=======

  If my mail is any indicator, A.J.  Weberman is not the only noted American
garbologist.  For example, The Night Lurker robs his mark's mailbox, removes
only the junk mail, mixes with various items of trash and garbage, then tosses
them onto other people's lawns.

  We can thank Stoney Dale for dragging out this tidbit of garbage.  He had yet
another grouchy neighbor who was hated by one and all.  The man left for work
at seven in the morning, while Stoney departed several hours later.  In the
meantime, the garbage truck made its rounds of the neighborhood stop by his
house on garbage day, and here's what happened.

  "Just as the garbage men pulled up in front the Grinch's house, my friend
would stroll down the mark's driveway like he lived there.  He told the men
that his wife had misplaced her watch and that he was going to search the
garbage for it.  He told them not to worry about pickup," Stoney relates.
"They didn't and soon left."

  Stoney says the Grinch didn't say anything about his garbage bags being the
only ones in evidence in the neighborhood that night.  But when the following
week rolled around, Grinch put out another set of bags.  Stoney's pal pulled
the same stunt.  This time, when he got home from work, Grinch hit the ceiling.
He asked Stoney what was going on, and Stoney played dumb.  Grinch called the
garbage people and raised hell with the dispatcher, who raised hell back.
Result - it took another two weeks for Grinch to get another garbage removal
company to come to his home and at a premium price.  In the meantime, dogs had
ripped open the huge pile of bags and crap was scattered all over the
neighborhood.  Stoney had another friend report Grinch to the police for
littering.  See the section on *Neighbors*, and if you live near Stoney Dale,
be a good, friendly neighbor!


=====
GATES
=====

  Always open gates and leave them open when dealing with a mark who has a
gate.  There are lots of fringe benefits to this, For example, his expensive
purebred dog might get out and run away.  Or, someone or something terrifying
could come in.  Another benefit of vengeful gatekeeping is that you don't even
have to trespass, Just opening the gate is enough.

  When I was a kid, we had a mean old man in the neighborhood.  He lived on an
estate sitting in the middle of ten acres of woods.  We used to open his gate
all the time, then go on our way down the road.  He'd spend an anxious hour or
so hunting for us on his land, never finding us, of course.  His own paranoid
imagination was our best ally.  This concept will work well with doors, too.
Think about your mark finding open doors or windows in his house.


========
GENITALS
========

  I bet that few other books have a chapter with this title.  A reader named
Eric P.  had an errant young woman do him a nasty once, and he hit he back
where he ego (alone?) showed.

  "I got her worried about vaginal odor.  She was vain as hell, insecure about
her body, and very sensitive about `personal things' including body odors.  I
started by having a delivery service bring her a present of a gift-wrapped
package of liquid douche, scented, of course.  A few days later I put together
an `Emergency - Protect the Environment' package containing more products of a
personal nature.  I had that delivered.  I sent a few cards from boys she knew
and other friends hinting at this personal problem in broad terms, but never
really mentioning vaginal odor, *per se*.

  "I then had some memo pads and letterhead printed, using the name The Funky
Vaginal Odor Control Board with a fake return address.  I started sending these
to her and getting friends from other cities to remail them for me.  I posted
her appartment door with an offical-looking statement from the board, using my
letterhead.

  "Next, I sent a couple of her boyfriends clothespins with instructions to
clip on their noses when dating this girl because of her runaway case of
vaginal odor.

  "I did a few more things, but I guess you get the idea.  In case the reader
feels sympathy for the girl, don't.  She deserved every single bit of trouble,
believe me.  I'll never collect what she owes me.  But I'm trying to get back a
little."


  Another splendid addition to the genitals of a mark is spearmint oil.
According to several Haydukers, most notably Dr.  Schwatzen an Luft, if this
elixir is placed on such sensitive areas as the genitals, the mark will really
have the hots.  The doctor suggests lubricating condoms with this oil or adding
it to douching solutions, vibrators, or tampons.  It will dry on the surface,
then, when activated...call the fire department.


========
GRAFFITI
========

  Bob from Everett, Washington has a twist to the trick of writing your mark's
(or his spouse's or sweetie's) name on restroom walls.  Bob says to put just
the phone number and no name, or use the real number and a made-up name.  That
last touch will make the spouse suspicious about extracurricular activites.

  One of the goals the true graffiti artist strives for is permanency.  You
inscribe a message, and some diddlesquat civil servant or his lackey comes
along and somehow covers or removes it.  The Marquis de Amway has discovered a
very good way to make graffiti last a lot longer on the job.  Here's his idea.

  "Let's say that someone has burned you, messed up your car, or otherwise
marred your person or property, and you want to graffiti them back, but in a
way that the message will stick.  If so, you're tuned to the right guy.  Pay
attention now.

  "Get a piece of paper and spell out `UP YOURS!' [Plug] or `YOUR WIFE SUCKS,'
or some other very rude, personal grossity, using comet or Ajax cleanser to
spell the message.  Then spray over the whole thing with right guard, english
leather, or any of those sprays that will burn.  Test them first. You can also
use charcoal lighter or lighter fluid if you want to.

  "Go to the home of the person you want to get back at, and tape the message
paper to the floor, wall, even onto his car, or wherever you want the message
to appear.  Next spray a stream of lighter fluid leading away from the paper,
sort of like a fuse.  Light that fuse and run like hell.

  "WHOOSH, the paper blows up insatntly, but there's no fire danger because
everything just sort of disintegrates.  But the cleanser chemically etches your
rotten message onto whatever you stuck it to so well that it will never come
off.

    "There it is, your message, etched on pernamently."

  "We've tried it, and this stuff will work on concrete, brick, tile, wood,
anywhere. You can `say' anything to anyone this way, and it will be damn near
pernament," the Marquis de Amway tells me.


  If it is inconvenient for you to write your graffiti on the spot, you can
always use Avery labels, those adhesive-backed units that people use to address
envelopes and so on.  You can be as gross as you wish, and it takes only a few
seconds to stick them into place.  They are hard to remove, too.


===========
GROSS MUSIC
===========

  Here is the Hayduke Hit Parade of rotten music you can use to gross out
straight marks, as mentioned in several chapters.  Three Zappa tunes come to
mind:  "Stick it out," "You're an asshole," and "Bobby Brown." Use parts of
Prince's lyrically offensive selections like "Doo me, Baby." You can also use
ethnic, racial, and military music to good advantage, as well as X-rated party
records and the very explicit sex-sound recordings now on the market.


========
GUN NUTS
========

  The worst enemies that gun owners have are their own rednecked mental peewees
who write letters to *American Rifleman and Gun Week* tying all the gun woes to
liberals, communists, and everything else in the world.  They are the
singleminded adults whose entire lives revolve (no pun intended) around the
issue of gun control.  Generally, they are from small towns and have IQs to
match.  If only there were a way to keep these bad examples out of the public
media.  Oh, well.

  Bud Hammell is a gun collector who was harassed by the state police because a
fellow collector informed one of their agents that Bud was selling guns to
kids, didn't keep sales records, and so on - all untrue.  What had Bud really
done?  He had fairly outbid Mr.  Informant on a gun collection for sale.  To
get back at the jerk, Bud waited a year, then placed some classified ads.

  "I put the ads in controversial underground and radical publications - both
left and right wing.  I advertised "Machine Guns and Silencers for Sale...
Cheap!"

  In his ad, Bud made such clever claims as "I handle all red tape - no forms
for you to fill out, no expensive tax stamps...no worry with the police or
BATF."

  Naturally, the name, address, telephone number, and dealer number or Mr.
Informant want on the bottom of the ad as its logo.  Mr.  Informant was a
licensed gun dealer, but he didn't have the proper license to sell machine guns
or silencers.  The ads had only been out a week when the first federal agent
came to talk with Mr.  Informant.

  Ask anyone who is a licensed gun dealer or knows the business; it's really
bad news to have these gun law feds on your case, especially if you are
innocent.  America's federal gun law cops are the nearest thing to the Gestapo
we have.


===============
GOVERNMENT MAIL
===============

  Did you ever notice the legend on government envelopes "Penalty for private
use $300"?  Ah, I bet you're thinking of good ideas already.  For example, you
could get a good batch of military recuiting material, address it to various
individuals who would be sure to inform the feds, enclose personal and/or
insulting notes with the mark's name and address intact, then staple shut.
Let's just see how serious those wimpy postal feds are about all this.

  According to Jimi the Z, if the USPS is bullshitting about this legend, then
everyone should send his/her personal mail as official government buisness,
using the government's postage-paid envelopes.

  "Let's all of us get these government and nonprofit, postage-paid envelopes
and mail our personal letters and such in there," Jimi says.


==========
HAM RADIOS
==========

  Here's more from Millard Plankton, our resident rabble rouser of the radio
waves.  This time he wants you to get hold of some two meter ham gear.  Buy it
new or used, then get a repeater guide from a ham shop and find in autopatch
phone repeater in your area.  This autopatch repeater will enable you to make
free telephone calls twenty-four hours a day, using some fake call sign (an
excellent chance to nail a second mark who is a ham operator - use his call
sign).

  Imagine the fun, Millard says, using a small hand-held walkie talkie - now
with 800 channels on it.  He says to call anyone at late hours.  It's no cost
to you and can't be traced easily because it is radio.  But, don't stay on too
long; you can be traced directionally.


=======
HAWKERS
=======

  Dapper Norton O.  Worthin is a prissy little wimp, or so he claims.
Underneath, he's a true nasty, saying "I saw your chapter on hawkers and, as an
expert in that field, I have some refinements.  You can utilize hawkers for
mass transit vehicles, or large public crowds in theaters, ball games,
concerts, and the like.  If you drink a big glass of milk followed by a big
glass of pulpy lemonade, you can create cohesive hawkers that are truly works
of art."

  Sounds like Norton is truly a "fine artiste."


=========
HAYDUKING
=========

  Some of the mail I get is wild.  There are some people reading my books who
are actually dangerous, badass folks who I would not even want as enemies.
some of their ideas are so evil that even my "literary" competitors wouldn't
rip-off these contributions.  That's what got me thinking about this idea.

  By the way, I'm honored that my name has been turned into both a verb and a
noun in the same way that *Watergating* is now a part of the language.  Anyhow,
two readers came up with the idea of sending the mark a copy of one of my
books..."and let him think about it awhile." The trick is to send the copies
anonymously.  You can also turn down pages, maybe underline some passages in
red, or perhaps annotations in the margins would help.


========
HOLIDAYS
========

  Our kindly charities would have you invite every deprived/depraved minority
from boat people to orphans to democrats into your home fpr Chistmas,
birthdays, and other holidays.  Down at the Louisiana School of Living
Divinity, the Rev.  Tobin Williams has an interesting alternative.  He thinks
it would be nice to invite some roadkill.

  "Imagine the looks on the mark's and his family's faces when they're gathered
around the holiday tree or festive table as the posthumous guest of honor is
unveiled - inside a gaily wrapped package.

  "You need an opaque plastic bag, of course, so the mark or his designee will
reach in and grab hold of the roadkill.  It would also help if this bag is
hermetically sealed to hold in the festive aroma until the very last minute.

  "It goes without saying that this present must be appropriately gift-wrapped
and carded," says Rev.  Williams.


========
HOT TUBS
========

  Carolyn, another L.A.  punk rocker, says she once dumped five pounds of
fertilizer in a self-styled Lothario's jacuzzi.  The resulting odor was quite
vulgar throughout the entire apartment complex.  Another friend, Mel Cajones,
says that someone entering a hot tub or jacuzzi containing this fertilizer
broth is quite likely to get nasty skin burns.

  I'm not so sure about this one, but as it came in from our very wonderful
Heidi Marie, why not try it?  After a particuarly unhappy party experience
involving a hot tub and some very obnoxious people, a friend of Heidi's decided
to stiffen up the host's hot tub - symbollically, no doubt.  She added several
boxes of cream of rice cereal to the tub.  It sounds great, something to
interest a lot of kids...a huge bowl of hot cream of rice cereal.


=========
HOUSEHOLD
=========

  Do a good deed on behalf of your mark's diet.  A bead of superglue around that
rubber gasket strip on the household refrigerator door will help the door stay
shut and protect the mark from the munchies.  See?  Not all stunts are totally
horrible.


======
HOUSES
======

  I'm not sure how practical this is, but you could try to take the rain
gutters off your mark's house or apartment.  When a huge rain comes along, the
runoff will cascade off the roof and probably a lot of it will end up in the
basement or house.  The rest will turn the mark's lawn into a marsh, as I've
seen it done.  Be sure to collect some money for your work, though, by selling
the mark's gutters to a scrap dealer or builder who won't ask questions.

  Or, if your mark lives in a brick home, spray paint an obscene word or slogan
on the bricks with enamel paint. It has to be professionally removed, according
to Maribelle Shoofly.


=======
HUNTERS
=======

  Amazing as it may seem, a lot of people don't like hunters who act like
mindless killers or slobs.  Let's go for the jerk who happens to be a hunter or
whose hunting has caused you enough grief to want to get even.  Jimi the Z
sneaks his marvelous madness into the field here.

  "Once it was imperative that I return some disfavor to a person who hunted.
I caused him to recieve some custom-loaded shotgun shells.  Instead of the
usual shot, we loaded the shells with a combination of corrosive salts, coarse
sand, tiny lead balls covered with grinding compound, pluss steel burrs.  We
also used flammable padding instead of the normal plastic wadding.  You
wouldn't believe what a day of shooting those special loads did to the man's
shotgun and what *that* did to the man's psyche and budget."


===
IRS
===

  If you are a printer or have access to a *very* trusted printer, Edwin Sneepf
has an idea for you.  He thinks it would be a splendid joke to print some fake
IRS 1040 or 1040A forms.  Make that camera-ready, almost like the originals,
but with some very minor alterations in some of the questions.  Be creative,
e.g., add "shacked up" to the marital status options.  Call the taxpayer
"Dogbreath" somewhere.  Use gross language in the small print instructions,
insult the infirm, the old, and the minorities.  Be crude and rude, then
distribute.  In addition to Sneepf, this basic idea came in courtesy of TAP.


=========
JUNK MAIL
=========

  Some of my mail contains questions about how to deal with everyday problems.
Here's one that came in often, and I'd like to throw it open to those evil
members of the Hayduke society who love their revenge both sweet 'n sour.

  People want to know what they can do to wipe out junk mail.  They are bogged
down by torrents of junk mail - all sorts of junk mail - magazine
subscriptions, charity fund raisers, buying clubs, porno, religious groups., ad
nauseum.

  I've suggested a few ideas, but what about the rest of you?  Send in your
tried and true methods for dealing with jumk mail and junk mailers, and I'll
include them in the next book.


=========
LANDLORDS
=========

  Their landlord kicked a couple of my friends out, claiming they had violated
the lease by holding "loud parties." The landlord's complaintant was an
eighty-one-year-old neighbor lady who was partially deaf and totally bigoted.
Her eyesight was good enough, though, to note that the couple renting was a
salt 'n pepper pair.  There had been no loud parties.  In fact, there were no
parties at all.  A quiet couple, their socializing was limited to two or three
couples coming in for bridge once or twice a month.  Ho hum.

  Not wanting to fight in court, they found another apartment, then decided to
fight back their own way.  They waited a few months and learned through good
intelligence sources that the landlord would be away for a weekend.

  They called a caterer and arranged a very posh affair, ordering full service,
the best in food, expensive lawn furniture, a strolling band, champagne
fountain, silver and crystal...the whole bit.  All arrangements were handled by
telephone.  Invitations went out to all sorts of people, including bar
derelicts, plenty of minorities, neighbors of the landlord, and of course, to
add to the cover, every present and former tenant they could locate.  It was
timed for noon Sunday.  The landlord was due home by four that afternoon.

  Times were tough, and the caterer was only too glad to get the business [in
more ways than one.] Yet can you imagine the business the mark found when he
returned home that Sunday afternoon with "his" party in full and very expensive
swing?  Naturally, all the guests greeted him with thrilled smiles, also asking
when he'd open up the house so they could use the bathrooms.

  Sputter, sputter, sputter went the landlord.  His wife went wonder, wonder,
wonder.  The caterer went pay, pay, pay.  The salt 'n peppers went ho, ho, ho.

  A variation of this same idea was suggested to me by Lynn in Denver.  In both
her case and the one just mentioned, the vengeance was most fitting, plus being
most expensively and emotionally successful.


  Not all landlords are as wonderful as you've been reading about.  Bob
Pursell, who used to live in Boston, told me about an aprtment owner who had a
"no paint" complex until the kids who were his tenants agreed to paint the
place if the landlord bought the paint.  The agreement was made.

  "The kids painted everything black.  I mean everything," Bob related.  "They
painted the toilets black.  They even shut off the water in them, dried out
ethe bowls, and painted the insides of the commodes black.  Even the lightbulbs
were black.  The windows were black.  If you can think of anything else, they
did too, and painted it black.  The ceiling was black, the beds were
black...everything was black...except the landlord's face.  It was red."

  A Chicago journalist told me about his undergraduate days when the landlord
refused to fix a septic tank overflow.  The smell and the hygiene got worse,
and as the summer approached, when school ended, the students living in that
rental sewer were only too happy to get out.

  "We left him a little overflow message of our own about the need to clean up
his sewerage.  We got back our security deposit and just before leaving, one of
the guys, who'd hidden, flushed twenty pounds of powdered detergent down the
toliet.  We then left, immediately."


============
LAND RAPISTS
============

  Rooters of the lost ark will appreciate this version of the Piltdown Man.
It's a creative way to harass those land rapists who antisemantically call
themselves "developers." You go to the work site when it is dark or otherwise
onobserved.  You bury some objects like arrowheads, odd pottery shards, human
skulls snitched from a bio classroom, and other atifacts.  The best way to
proceed is to tip off some serious college kids who like to work on digs.
Females are usually best for this role as they are more often true believers
about this sort of "discovery." Let these kids discover your "artifacts."  Hype
the find through the local newspaper - especially smaller weeklies.  Insist
through the local historical society that moral and legal pressure be brought
down on the developer to halt his operations until a scientific dig can verify
the findings.


===========
LAUNDROMATS
===========

  Recently, I listened as a young woman related how her roommate would
continually come in from drunken orgies, sick to her stomach because of what
she had done.  On one occasion, she managed to void the contents of her stomach
all over the work wardrobe of the young lady telling the story.  Apparently, it
was not the first time it had happened.

  "I pleaded with her to stop getting loaded like that and making it with any
guy who asked, usually right in our room while I was there in my bed.  I
threatened to move out.  She was a nice kid, sometimes, but this was the last
humiliation and ruination for me and my clothes.  I moved out...but that wasn't
all.  I had to get even.

  "A week or so later, when I knew she'd do her laundry, I put my plan into
action. After she put her clothes into the dryer and went next door for coffee,
I slipped into the laundry room unnoticed and tossed a handful of colorful wax
crayons into the dryer with her clothes."

  Joseph and his Biblically mentioned coat had nothing on this boozy sex-date.

  From our quickie, but itchy, division, if you want to give a person a really
uncomfortable day, toss a piece of fiberglass in with wash containing your
mark's undergarments.  It's guaranteed to ruin his day and, with luck, could
also provide a mild rash.


=================
LAWNS AND GARDENS
=================

  This is a simple and effective hit 'n run tactic to have fun with your mark's
lawn.  Eveytime you walk or drive by your mark's yard, throw a few large stones
on the lawn.  It all builds up.  Vary the size, and you'll not only ruin his
mower blade, but you might even get him to sail one or more of these stone
missles trough a window or into his car.

  I know of one friend of the environment who live-traps his Japanese beetles,
then at night takes his catch over to his marks yard and garden and sets the
little buggers loose to do their misdeeds there.  A refinement of this was
suggested by Bob Thornbroug who says to plant Japanese beetle traps in your
mark's garden but take the catch bags off the traps.

  Scattering weed seeds and other vegitative miscreants into his mark's finely
tuned yard is Sid Nerko's way of getting back at manicured lawn freaks.


========
LAWSUITS
========

  According to one lawyer who really does have the Establishment Bar
Association stamp of approval, it's fairly easy for you to sue someone.  Most
states have something called a small claims court or citizen's court for just
such actions.  But you also have individual access to regular state and federal
courts, just like those lawyers in the cash-green, six-piece suits.  The
Hayduke legal adviser says you should go to your local law library and/or
courthouse to read some of the books on the topic which legally interests you
or in which you wish to sue.

  The law library has a set of books containing the exact legal forms necessary
to sue someone.  Find what you need and have a copy made or purchase a form.
Don't be shy about asking lawyers - especially young ones who pop into the room
- for advice and help.  Don't be afraid to ask a clerk for help, either.  Fill
in the blanks on the form, asking for help if you need it, and file your suit
with the clerk.  It will cost you nothing to about fifty dollars to file a
suit.

  With that modest investment of your time and money, you can file damages
asking for hundereds of thousands of dollars.  Think of the stress value and
the bad publicity your suit will cause the mark, as you see how surprisingly
easy it is to institiute a lawsuit.

  What if *you* should get sued?  Easy.  Go to the courthouse and countersue.
Most people don't think of that.  That's why there are so many losers and so
many lawyers out there.  Do it yourself.


==========
LUNCHBOXES
==========

  In addition to sabotaging the mark's lunchbox before chow, there is an
opportunity for afterwards too. Clip some disgusting porno pictures, or get a
bogus love letter written to the mark, or select some used rubbers or sexy
pants, and plant them in his lunchbox *after* he's done with it for that day.
The fun begins when his wife opens the box at home that night to clean it out
for the next day.

  Wouldn't you like to be there to hear the discussion?


=======
MA BELL
=======

  People think that a telephone lock defeats pirate callers.  However,
according to Toby Bill, telephone locks can be defeated.

  "When you dial a number normally, 5 for example, as the dial rolls back to
its original position, it breaks the signal the number of times indicated - 5
in this case - and so on for each number dialed.  That's how a dial operates,"
Toby explains.

  "To achieve the same effect, i.e.  `dialing' and getting a number, all you
have to do is tap rapidly on the little button at the top of the telephone -
the little part you use to `hang up' when you put down the reciever.

  "Let's say you wanted to call 123-4567.  You would tap on that button once,
pause half a second, tap rapidly twice, pause, tap three times fast, pause, and
so on.  It takes a little practice to get the numbers right, but it does work.
So much for locked telephones," he adds.


  If your mark's telephone is the popular "touch tone" type, you can easily
render him sans telephone with a few drops of superglue on the buttons.  Or as
Old Greavy suggested, glue the handset of any telephone to the main body.

  If you have access to the mark's telephone, you might want to call in a bomb
threat to some company, institution, or government office.  The grabber is that
you leave his phone off the hook, then you split.  The call will be traced, and
someone official will come to visit your mark.


  Want to reach out and annoy someone?  Go to a pay telephone in some very
isolated rural area or a dangerous urban area - a telephone few people are
likely to use.  Call the mark, establish that you are speaking to the mark,
then just lay the telephone down and walk away without hanging up.  This will
render the mark's telephone inoperable until someone either hangs up that pay
telephone or the telephone company locates the trouble for the mark.


  A lot of banks, post offices, and airports have dialless courtesy telephones
with autodialers built in.  Their idea is for you to use this as a service
telephone or to get help with a programmed number.  But, according to another
Ma Bell guerrilla, P.  Wallington Symms, you can use a standard touch tone
phone keyboard - usually available from Radio shack for about $6.95 - to make
outgoing calls on these courtesy telephones.  Some phone phreaks call these
White Boxes.  You can get busted for this, so be careful.


  When you really want to reach out and touch your mark, call Ma Bell's
security people and tell them that it's your civic duty to report that the mark
is using one of the dreaded Blue or Red Boxes to make illegal calls.  Call
either from a pay telephone, or make it more credible and call from some third
party telephone.  Even better, if you work in the same office or building as
your mark, use his office phone....or, use the phone of a second mark.  But,
mainly, let those fingers get busy walking...report your phone phreak of a mark
for using a Blue or Red Box.

  In her continuing war against Ma Bell, a delightful trickster from San Luis
Obispo, Ma ReBel, has come up with a secondary mark campaign.  As noted
earlier, the mention of the dreaded Blue Box causes the Mutha Bell's security
people to go into a mouth-frothing tirade of paranoia.  Ma ReBel says to have
your secondary mark sell Blue Boxes.  All you do is place some classified ads
in local, or national for that matter, underground newspapers, swinger
publications, freak newsletter, protest pamphlets, et cetera.  You mark's ad
copy has a big headline which reads "BUY A BLUE BOX CHEAP," folloed by an
explanation pf how the customer can use the Blue Box to make free telephone
calls.  The ads say nothing about illegality but promise quick, confidential
service and that "we maintain no records." You can also use handbills,
circulars, and public notices on bulletin boards to advertise.  You mark's
name, address, and telephone number constitute the logo for these ads.  If
you're the careful sort of person who wears both suspenders and a belt, just in
case, you might want to clip one or more of these ads and send them to Mutha
Bell..from a concerned, law-abiding citizen, or course.  Veteran anti-Bell
guerrilla fighters tell me this one is 100 percent guaranteed to get Big Mother
to come out swinging with all her legal and paraCIA might.

  An original Jimi the Z suggestion for the Blue Box is to use your with your
mark's telephone.  Use it carelessly and make all sorts of expensive calls so
that Ma Bell's KGB agents will come down hard on the mark, thinking that he or
she is the Blue Boxer.  By the way, jimi says to enjoy your Blue and Red Boxes
now, because both will be obsolete within two to four years due to technology.
Then, I guess, it will have to be Satellite Box time.  Maybe, this is where
tapping comes into the picture.


  You're in a phone booth late at night. You slip some coins in the slot and
call. No answer. You retrieve your coins, dipping your fingers into the narrow
slot, hoping for the ridge of a coin.

  Slop, warm, gush...yuk...GUNKY WETNESS on your fingers!

  Billy McMillan will laugh, because he was the guy who filled up that pay
telephone coin return slot with used, soggy chewing tobacco.  The funny part
is, you touched it.

  Can you think of a good, justified, personal application for this stunt?

  What took you so long?


  This next trick will work well with any telephone complex but seems to work
best on the private operations like PBX, accoring to telephonic engineer Marvin
Basil.  If you want to get back at someone or some outfit using their phone
system in a rather harmless, prankish way, open the building's telephone wall
plate and put a huge magnet inside.  The next time one line rings, they all
will ring.  This will continue until someone either finds and removes the
magnet or calls for a service person to do it.


  Think of the revenge you can get in your corporate or institutional mark has
an INWATS-PBX-OUT telephone system, also known as an 800 line.  Get access to
such a telephone be visiting an office while it's occupant is out to lunch, in
conference, on vacation, or away for the weekend.  You can pose as anything
from an emplyee to a repairperson.  You might want to know the time and weather
in Auckland, New Zealand for example.  And, you might want to know it often.
Call and make some new friends in the USSR, China, or Thailand.  Or call Cuba.
Call Argentina.  If you know the mark's access codes, you can do it in more
safety from a pay telephone.


  Because of a time lapse between a cost estimate, completion time, and a
computer malfunction that was totally the telephone company's fault, telephone
service was disrupted for the now defunct law firm of Swinefeldt and Schwanz
according to their former office manager, Willi Wegner.

  "Our firm's partnership dissolved only partly because of this, but either
way, I was out of a job," Wegner claims.  "So, in addition to job hunting, I
struck out at our mean mother of a phone company.

  "I went into a Phonecenter Store, one of those retail outlets where Ma sells
her designer phones. I headed for one of her `Custom Calling' telephones on the
wall which are usually white and sometimes marked `Courtesy Phone.'

  "I called all over the country for about ten minutes.  I did the same thing
in two other Phonecenters but always altered my calling patterns, even my
appearance.  Then, I cruised away from there for a good long while," Wagner
warns.

  I ran this through one of Ma Bell's still-on-the-job employees who is one of
us at heart, and he said, "You have no idea how much this irritates management
and upsets out security people.  Done right, it's fairly foolproof."


  Virgil M.  Benson has this phony friend named Ray Hastings who cost Virgil a
lot of money.  It seemed that every party, every visit, every chance, old Ray
used Virgil's telephone to call long distance.  As the toll charges went up and
up, Virgil burned and burned, yet he paid and paid.  Then, he read *Get Even*.

  "It was simple, after that.  I got a book on telephonic engineering from our
library and devised this pay-back method," Virgil writes.  "Get access to the
B-Box (or whatever your local company calls it) in your mark's apartment
complex.  It's the little box where all the apartment telephone lines hook up
to the main trunk line.  It's in the basement or laundry/storage area in most
apartments.  For houses, they are on the poles.

  "Disconnect your mark's phone line and hook up a lineperson's handset -
easily available at most Radio Shack stores.  Call all your buddies all over
the world.  Call person to person; call often.  Let Ma Bell and the mark fight
about who pays for what."

  This must be a fairly common scam as I got the same suggestion from six other
readers, including one who is a former lineman for Southern Bell.  The M.O.  in
each case was exactly the same.  Delightful dialing out there, gang.


  It's too bad more people don't know about something known in the trade as
"Call Forwarding." In this service, Ma Bell gives you a code which you dial
into your telephone.  Thereafter, at your signal, all calls to that telephone
will be diverted to another number which you dial in after the code.  I'd like
to rename it "Creative Call Fowarding." Creative comes into this if you have
covert access to the mark's telephone and know his codes.  If he or she is away
for a few days, why not dial in the proper codes to divert his calls to Moscow,
Bangkok, or Perth?  According to my friends at Ma Bell, the mark will be billed
for all the call diversion services - international as well as national.


  Do you know how you can tell when you reach middle age.  It's Saturday night,
the telephone rings..and you pray it's not for you.  Ever hear from the
Telephone Bore?  This is someone who doesn't know when to quit.  Or it's
someone who talks for twenty minutes and says nothing.  Or it's someone you
don't want to talk to:  a relative, bill collector, salesperson, boss, lover,
spouse, employee, or even a Jesus Junkie.

  As always, there are ways to handle this unwanted caller.  In her magnificent
tract titled "Getting Off On The Phone," the famed journalist Tina Rickson
lists a number of ways to break off telephone conversations.  In the interest
of public service, here are some of better methods.

           * "I'm expecting an immediate return call from the White House (or
              some other Oz-like symbol) and must keep this line open." Hang up
              and leave your phone off the hook for five days.

           * "OhmiGod, there's a police officer running across my front lawn,
              and he's waving his revolver toward the house."

           * "Hold on the neighbor just came by to say my car rolled out onto
              the street and has traffic tied up."

           * "Shhh, listen...that strange man who was here a few days ago said
              he thinks the line is being tapped. Are they after you or me?
             Hello? Hello?"

           *  Pretend to be an answering machine by saying, "Hello, I'm not
              home right now.  But if you leave your name and number, I
              will..."

           *  Pretend you can't hear the other party. Ask them to hang up and
              dial again. Then either leave your telephone off the hook or
              don't answer it.

           *  Pick up the telephone and scream into it and loudly as you
              possibly can. The more inhuman the sound, the better.

           *  Scream an especially scatological or dehumanizingly vile
              obscenity.

           * "Oh, oh, my brat overflowed the toilet again...gotta go!"

           * "Terribly sorry, but I'm taking part in a national poll on what
              Americans think of registering medflies as illegal aliens, and
              they asked me to hold this line open for the next two weeks."

           * "Do you have any idea at all how awful your breath is? Take a mint
              or something and call me back in a few years."


  Her personal favorite is to record on a blank cassette the sound of a
telephone ringing, then switch your tape recorder to the playback mode.  When
you are faced with an unwanted caller, simply turn on the machine, and that
caller, simply turn on the machine, and that caller hears the other phone
ringing in the background.  You excuse yourself to answer "the other line."

  Sure it's simple.  But it works.


  Airman Inside has a wonderful idea to deal with the telephones themselves.
He writes, "Phones themselves are easily messed up if you have a mark you want
to hassle that way.  All you do is pull out the modular plug, then paint over
the contacts with clear nail polish, let dry, then stick it back in.  It's all
`Hello?  Hello?  Hello?' with no answer."

  One more warning:  *Do not ever trash a pay phone.*  There are legitimate
emergencies that all of us face, and only an idiot/goon would wreck our only
communication with the outer world.  NEVER trash a pay phone!  If you ever see
or know someone who has hit a pay phone, Hayduke that mark HARD!


====
MAIL
====

  CP from New York deals with magazine editors who can be very rude about not
answering their mail.  He turned to a rather gross campaign to get the
attention of one particuarly rude female editorette.  After several polite
letters and calls, she had not responded or even acknowledged that she was
holding one of his article that he wanted back.

  So, he sent her a cute note all done up in frilly paper and included a little
product sample with it.  Here's how CP's note read:  "Last night I coughed up a
lot of phlegm, mucus and snot into a saucer.  This morning I found three
cockroaches eating that gooey mess.  Somehow that brought you to mind."

  CP signed the note, then mailed it and the sample to the editor.  No
response.  But he wasn't finished either.

  "At the time I had a friend who believed the most effective way to diet after
a great meal was to vomit it back up.  So getting a sample was no problem.  I
packaged that up in a large baggie and sent it off the the editor with a note
that said, `You make me very sick.  Need proof?  Here it is!"'

  "Finally, after I sent her a little cage full of two-inch waterbugs and
cockroaches, she called me with all sorts of threats about mail harassment.  We
never did settle my article claims, but I had all the reward I wanted just
listening to her rant and rave."

  CP calls his next idea the Blank Page technique.  It's very simple.  You just
send your mark a piece of paper.  Nothing else.  It works on the human tendency
to imagine things as being worse than they really are.  In the event there is a
letterhead design you can use with this that would feed the mark's paranoia,
then, by all means, use it.

  In a modification of that, an old buisness associate of mine used to send
second pages of letters to people he wanted to harass.  He'd put in some vague
summary of something personally or legally important on that second page, then
end with some directive requiring immediate action `or else.' It was damned
frustrating because the mark never knew who sent the letter or why it was
really important.


  Be aware that using the U.S. Postal Service as your personal messenger for
the fist of revenge can backfire. An Illinois man, Steve Jones was arrested by
police after he conducted a mail barrage against his neighbor, Kenneth Gibbons.

  "We got 90 percent of all the magazines ever published," Gibbons told
reporters.  "We also got pornography, real estate deal offers, record clubs,
book clubs, aluminum siding deals, you name it.  If it came in the mail, we got
it."

  The two had feuded over a property easement since 1977, and Mr.  Jones spent
1981 getting even by using the mails.  Apparently Mr.  Jones wasn't too clever
and was too open.  Police easily cracked the case and indicted Mr.  Jones.
Pending trial, he was free on $50,000 bond and was facing up to five years in
the federal slammer.


  As the friendly and fatherly precinct sargeant says each week in *Hill Street
Blues*, "Hey, let's be careful out there." Damn good advice these days as you
never know whose side true justice is on.

  But sometimes we do.  In this case, the weed of direct mail bore bitter
fruit.  Three Illinois college students were arrested for orchestrating a Nazi
motif hate-mail campaign against a Jewish chap who owned a tire shop.

  What the young men did was send 100 Western Union mailgrams to Jewish folks
in the Chicago area.  The Mailgrams carried the following message:  "Weiss Tire
Company regrets to inform you that we must deny your request for credit after
it was determined you are Semitic./signed/Dr.  Josef Mengele."

  Dr.  Menegele was the infamous Nazi doctor who performed ghastly, inhumane
medical experiments in WWII concentration camps.  In addition to the mailgrams,
phony orders for such items as swastikas were placed in the name of Mr.
Weiss's company, and bogus ads for used tires at outrageously low prices were
placed in area newspapers under the Weiss logo.

  Two things are not known about this case:  (1) What, if anything, did Mr.
Weiss do to deserve this treatment?  (2) How and why did the three young men
get caught?  If the response to the first question is "nothing," then
obviously, Mr. Weiss should be reading Hayduke books in his fight for
vengeance.  I stress again, my books are for victims, to help them fight back
against the bullies of any political, racial, religious, sexual, ethnic, or
other persuasion.


==========
MAIL BOXES
==========

  A bunch of ice cubes tossed into a mail box or newspaper delivery tube on a
warm day will make the mark's reading very soggy.

============
MASS TRANSIT
============

  A large bag of bees, horseflies, moths or crickets placed open on a seat will
do wonders for the morale of passengers on a bus or train.  Obviously, at times
the most effective schemes are hardly that at all.  They are just simple
actions.  For example, Filthy McNasty says one of the best ways to attack a bus
or airliner is to gross people out.  The simplest way to do this, according to
Filthy, is to vomit in such a way that the other passengers can't escape seeing
or hearing your act.

  If you feel like being a little more sophisticated, he suggests you let loose
sneaky squirts from a CS or CN "tear gas" pen on a bus or train.  Another of
Filthy McNasty's goodies for mass transit vehicle is to hollow out a light bulb
or large christmas ornamnet, then fill it with the stinko solution or gas of
your choice.  Epoxy shut the opening, and place the stink bomb in a paper bag.
When you have selected your target area, place the bag on the floor, open the
top, then stomp on the bulb.  Exit the bus quickly.  This one also works well
in the office, a gymnasium, part, funeral home, et cetera.

  A city bus collided with Jack Bacon's parked car, and the transit authority
at first refused to pay him at all, then dragged its feet on his insurance
claims.  In this case, Jack's no-fault insurance didn't help.  finally getting
his money after a year's wait, neo-dirty trickster Jack read *Get Even* and
waited six more months.  Then he launched his campaign.

  "I had posters printed with the mass transit authority logo on them offering
half-fare tokens and free rides for senior citizens diuring rush hour.  I also
has printed pads of free ride anf half-price coupons, all with official-lookign
dates and numbers.  This scam created chaos for three days and continued the
hassle for the authority for three weeks.  There were also hundreds of really
irritated people and several lawsuits.  I was satisfied, though."


=====
MEDIA
=====

  CP, our veteran writer and editor hiding out in New York, told me the the
story of how he got even with an old enemy of his when the man was organizing a
convention.

  "I prepared what looked like a plausible advertisement for a nonexistant rare
book company and paid to have the ad placed in the convention program," CP
relates.  "My ad was a cutout and paste together jigsaw puzzle.  You couldn't
tell just by looking at my ad what the picture would be when assembled, of
course.  I timed it so my ad arrived just at deadline so nobody would have the
time or interest to check it out.  So it was published just as I designed it."

  CP's wonderful puzzle was a totally obscene and grossly disgusting picture
that insultd everything his old enemy stood for.  The ad also promised that
poster-sized reproduction of the puzzle could be purchased from the officer in
charge of organizing the convention:  his mark.


  HBO plus other cable and satellite services are the fastest growing dicisions
in the television industry now.  Engineering rebels and other
Power-for-the-People folks have already designed and built Black Boxes for home
use.  These decode the various scrambled subscriber-paid-for signals like HBO.
Ma ReBel suggests having your mark sell these devices.  It's just like the
trick about Blue Boxes (see *Ma Bell*), only this time the mark will be
"marketing" the boxes of the darker color wich defraud the TV cable and
satellite companies.  Modify and abuse, I always say.


  By the way, it is illegal to sell Black Boxes or even the circuit boards for
them.  But, as of this printing, it was not illegal to sell or give away the
plans for the equipment.  If someone sends plans along, I bet George Hayduke
will publish them in his next book.


  Many of the bluenosed, humourless media savants who said that Hayduking with
newspaper ads can get you in big trouble were wrong.  At least once anyway.  I
snorted at their pious ignorance when a South Dakota judge ruled as such late
in 1981.  An anonymous classified newspaper ad had thanked a named woman for
"all the good times you gave me." In this case the mark sued the *Sioux Falls
Argus-Leader* for invasion of her privacy.  They countered that "good times"
was capable of being read in either an innocent or a titillating way and would
hardly offend the sensitivities of an ordinary reader.  The judge agreed and
tossed out the suit.


=======
MEDICAL
=======

  Neil Nixon had this nasty neighbor we'll call William F. Smith.  Smith's dog
was almost as ugly as its owner, especially in temperament.  The major
difference between the two was that the dog didn't have acne scars.  One day
the dog attacked and bit Neil Nixon, after crossing two yards to get at our
correspondent.  The attack was totally unprovoked and obviously unwelcomed.
Let's pick up Neil's account (and accounting) of the matter.

  "I got some nasty wounds and a fair-sized scar on my leg.  I decided to bite
back at Smith's ego.  I got a medical association letterhead by taking a junk
mail piece soliciting research fund support, then making a clean letterhead
from it with a Xerox machine.  The resultant copy looked just like clean, new
letterhead.

  "I then used a public typewriter to send him the following letter, slightly
revised copies of which I also sent to his wife, employer, and closet buisness
associates, asking for their help in persuading Smith to come out of his sacred
closet."

  Neil's letter read:


        As the leading publisher of medical books dealing with unusual
        problems, we will offer you $50 if you allow our photographer to
        picture your barnaclelike acne condition which is of considerable
        interest to our readers.

        You and your condition were brought to our attention by (name mark's
        doctor) whose nurse told some of her friends about you.  They have
        described the gross apperance of this advanced stage of acne and
        suggested we contact you.  We are also contacting your close friends
        and business associates in hopes that they might help convince you to
        share your sorrow with others, all in the interest of medical science,
        of course.


=========
MEMORANDA
=========

  Memoranda are part of the interoffice political warfare of everyone who
happens to be branded with professional or clerical-level employment.  Many
memos are written in the tradition of Cover Your Ass (CYA) while a lot of other
memos are written because of the insecurity of the writer.  Or when some memos
are written, they cause insecurity in those who must read them.  All this
pedagogical pap about memoranda will serve a purpose since memos may be used as
weapons.

  Let's say your mark has been shafting you during the interoffice status
rivalry game.  Or he or she has been taking credit for your good ideas and/or
blaming you for his or her duds.  Depending on the mark's personality, you
might want to intercept one of his/her memos before it goes out, hold it a day,
then send it back with some horrible message scrawled at the bottom or in the
margin, Put some honcho's initials on it.  Be careful, though, of handwriting
here.  Or you may simply want to destroy the outgoing memo, or destroy the
response memo, or cause copies of sensitive memos to go to the wrong people.
You can easily direct this person's fortune by manipulating his or her memo
flow to the wrong people.


========
MILITARY
========

  As another possibility to earlier suggestions about over-registering for the
draft, Col.  John M.  Himmler passes along his idea of registering legions of
phantom people using phony names and addresses.  He thinks using Teutonic
surnames is great, as is using the names of the fascist butchers currently in
charge of the country.  Or use the names of foreign dictators, too, as well as
our homegrown ones.  God knows there are enough to go around...and maybe to
fight their next war, instead of asking us to do it for them.


====================
MIND AND EGO BUSTERS
====================

  Select a magazine with a large picture of a face on the cover.  With a
cigarette or match, burn out just the eyes and the mouth.  Mail the magazine to
your mark.  Do this several times a month at random periods.  It is a very
eerie experience., according to Dirty Donna, who says she really knows the
depths of this psycho-warfare.  She didn't say she was a witch.  But.....

  Dirty Donna says that she also once sent a sympathy card to her mark's wife.
Inside the card she wrote a personal message, "So terribly sorry to hear about
your husband's untimely death." She dated the message two weeks in the future
and mailed it that say.  The date of the death was timed to coincide with the
date of their wedding anniversary.


=====
MONEY
=====

  Hedley Herndon from L.A.  says that if you can get hold of some counterfeit
money you should make sure that your mark gets some, too.  This works well if
the mark gets drunk and becomes loud, rowdy, and tosses his funney money around
like there is no tomorrow.  Guess again, folks, there is a tomorrow for your
mark - in the federal pen.


=======
MOONING
=======

  Shooting moons is a wonderful experience, as many readers have pointed out.
Becky Beaver, a famous writer, has done it all over Ohio and Pennsylvania, as
her ass is better looking than and as famous as her byline. But there have been
a lot of other famous moon shots, accoring to the mail I get from readers.

  Here are some extracts:

      *  When some prominent mark dies or some other deserving soul gets dead
         by circumstances which the TV cameras will cover, be sure and moon the
         funeral ceremony in the semidistant background just when and where the
         TV cameras are rolling.  Maybe the TV editors will miss seeing you.
         Viewers won't miss it, though.

      *  Seek out some cult religious organization with a gathering or some
         uptight graduation ceremony. Moon it.

      *  Hover around family vacation sites of the type that attract typical
         American families.  Moon them on the freeways, aiming for the backs of
         cars, usually out your front window.  These moon shots are great
         because the still fun 'n innocent all-American kids in the car see
         your ass before their uptight, pucker-assed American parents do.  The
         kids laugh.  Kids are neat.  Mooning is neat.  Parents are usually not
         neat.  It's hard to imagine that they were ever kids.

========================
MORAL SPHINCHTER MUSCLES
========================

  This entry was going to fall into the *Library* category, but the magnitude
of stupidity involved caught my attention.  As Raul Foldwell points out, the
Majestical Majority goes into community libraries and bans books at will.  One
librarian told our Jimi the Z that she caught some rich, three-piece-suit Jesus
Junkies defacing and destroying books their mind-masters told them to waste.
Their respone when brought to court:  "It's God's Will...  we're doing His work
and removing the word of the devil."

  Don't fight fire with fire.  Only a pyromaniac semanticist does that.  Fight
rhetorical fire with cold water.  Go to your public library or *their* library
and deface, ruin, and destroy their books, using the same logic.


==============
MOVIE THEATERS
==============

  Saul Nerkmeister was annoyed as hell when he had to sit through a movie with
a bunch of teenie punkers who talked, whispered, giggles, smoked, then noisily
ate candy from crinkly paper bags.  He complained to the ticket kid - a
shaved-head clone of the punkers - who just smiled vacuously.  Saul came back
the following week to take his revenge.

  The same gang was at this movie, too.  Saul had borrowed a friend's bratty
baby, who cried and cried and cried throughout the film.  Saul, who had target
shooter's ear plugs in his ears, had a jolly old time.  He couldn't even hear
the punkers cursing him and the baby.


===========
NATURAL GAS
===========

  In previous books, I described hilarious things one can do with natural gas
or to natural gas utility companies.  Here's how to make your own natural gas
odor solution.  Ethyl mercaptan gives off an excellent natural gas odor, and
it's availiable from chemical supply houses.  One reader used it already, as
Ollie Lincoln reports.

  "The damn gas company kept me awake all night for three months as they
drilled a well in my neighbor's field.  He hated it too, but the company held
the mineral and gas lease.  I got some ethyl mercaptan from a chemical salesman
and hit at random around the county over a few nights.  I found that an ounce
of it placed strategically on or near someone's home or apartment, followed by
a warning telephone call, will result in a helluva lot of nasty emergency calls
to that gas company in the middle of the night.  It was great fun," Licoln
related.


  Professor Clothespin of Boulder, Colorado tells of a revenge scam with a
natural gas angle.  It seems that the Professor had a pal who was seriously
duped by an oily, incompentent plumber.  The plumber cost this guy several
thousand dollars worth of rare Persian carpets one day when a supposedly
"repaired" sewer line ruptured due to the plumber's negligence.  When the
Professor's friend sued this swine, the case was thrown out of court, thanks to
some fine print in the plumber's contract.

  Here's how the Prof's buddy got even.  He arranged for a crazy friend to
dress up in a secondhand uniform from the local natural gas company.  He even
put on a real gas mask he picked up at an army surplus store.  Then, at around
two in the morning, he went to the mark's house carrying one of those big tool
boxes.  When the plumber answered the door the disguised man waved
histerically, shouting orders to evacuate due to a bad leak.  "The whole block
is gonna blow!" he screamed.  The plumber and his family scrammed, of course.

  Into the house ran the revenge specialist. He made a hasty tour of each
bathroom in the house, filling each commode with quick-setting cement he
carried in his tool box. He also threw in some rotten chicken livers and old
carp guts. Then he split via the back door.

  The Professor reports that the mark was forced to replace every toilet in the
house.  The fish and chicken innards just added to the fun when the plumber
started breaking up the concrete the next morning.

  In this case, I'd say the punishment probably stunk more than the crime.


=========
NEIGHBORS
=========

  At one time in his varied occupational career, Stoney Dale had a very gossipy
neighbor he called Nosey Rosey.  She used to sit on the steps outside her
apartment to watch which tenants came in at what time, with whom, and in what
condition.  Stoney says she was a "most unpleasant old gossip who made everyone
miserable with her pettiness and nosiness."

  Stoney noted what times she sat, and shortly before she went on her salacious
sentry duty, he saturated her staircase perch with charcoal lighter fluid.
Within seconds the carpeted step where Nosey Rosey always sat appeared to be
high and dry.  However, when the old battle-ax took her accustomed seat, her
body weight caused the fluid to penetrate and soak her posterior and the light
summer dress covering it.  She didn't feel it until one of the other tenants
called the huge stain to her attention when she rose to let him pass.  She was
mortified, Stoney reports, but it took two more applications to get his point
across.  After that, Nosey rosey retired to her own affairs.


  Who says our Canadian friends lack a sense of humor, eh?  A good fan from
British Columbia sent along a newspaper cutting showing how someone Hayduked
his neighbor by putting a nasty sign in his yard while the property owner was
on holiday.  The sign read "New Satanic Church" and went on to explain in
detail the doctrine of the "church." On the lawn, the Hayduker had placed a
store mannequin in a black shroud and hung a dead chicken on the house.  The
trickster also put a sign on the front door which read "Closed Due To
Persecution." A large totem was erected with a grinning skull on top.  The
entire incident was blown out of control by local newspaper and TV media
people, much to the chagrin of the property owner who wanted it all forgotten.

  Damn smart, our Canadian colleague.


  If your enemy neighbor is fleeing to another town and you get his new
address, keep up the action.  Print a friendly invitation asking one and all of
the new neighbors to the mark's new home for an introductory friendship
session.  You may use as your mark's theme such tie-ins as the KKK, a
pro-pederasty coalition, the Communist party, American Nazi Party, et cetera.
Send a copy to each neighbor.  Also include nearby churches on your mailing
list and post notices in neighborhood taverns and markets.


  Add another to the long list of what to do when the neighbor's dog messes on
you, your family, your sanity, or your property. Wilson R. Drew suggests
placement of very fresh dog manure, chicken droppings, or some other odorus
substance right next to the intake vent of the mark's running airconditioner.
Very few marks check the conditioner, he says, so you get a lasting effect.

  A little garbage goes a long way when you're trying to have as many of the
other neighbors as possible hate your mark.  Herb Bobwander has a beefy way to
grease the trap for your mark.  When he wants to do a garbage number on the
mark he takes advantage of the fact that most people put out their refuse the
night before it's to be picked up.

  Herb tells you to smear a lot of hamburger or bacon grease on the mark's
garbage can.  This will attract every animal - both wild and domestic - for
blocks around, resulting in a great deal of noise, fighting, and confusion.
All of this will irritate the neighborhood which will blame the mark.

  As a little refinement, Herb suggests you might want to add some goodies of
your own to the mark's personal garbage, e.g.  sex toys, bondage magazines, gay
letters, fetish things, antireligious materials, et cetera.


  They surely know how to be neighborly in Northern Ireland.  One such lad, a
fine Irish Prossie, actually, passes along this splendid little vignette of
neighborliness.  It seems his American friend Tom was building his home in a
rural area of Oklahoma, near the small town of Goat Testicle.  His
neighbor-to-be has regressed from the cross-breeding of cretins and Barbary
apes.  What's worse, he had a teenaged punker son.  One morning, Tom looked out
his window of his new home and spotted his car up on four blocks with all four
custom-designed mag wheels gone.

  Naturally, Tom found the missing wheels had magically rooled right onto the
punker son's own car.  Neighbor and son were, of course, wired into that
incestuous Oklahoma Good Ole Boy circuit...you know...the ones who think the
Jukes and Snopes are high society intellectuals.  Tom knew better than to try
anything official.

  Tom also knew which drinking club the punker son and his father frequented.
One evening, he followed them there.  Waiting until they entered the
establishment and settled in, Tom built a small dam of plastic under the
gasoline tank of the pitiful progeny's car, then punched a tiny pinhole on the
tank.  He placed a glowing cigarette at the crest of the dam and ran to his own
car.

  "I got a bit less than a mile away when it went up - WHOOOM - most colorful
and noisy.  Later, I learned that the little peckerhead's car was totally
destroyed," Tom said.

  He added, "As an afterthought refinement, I think I would have taken off my
four tires first.  Oh well...."

  From the epilogue standpoint, Tom says the area Good Ole Boys apparently
accepted the revenge as a fortune of war.  No one bothered Tom or his property
again.


  Suppose your hated neighbor/mark leaves his castle for a few days.  You can
try one of Bob Grain's stunts.  He helps out by rolling up newspapers and
tossing them around the front door area.  He leaves notes on the door to bogus
visitors about the owner being away.  He cuts the main power off to make the
home mor inviting to burgalars as this shuts down the alarm system and the
clock controlled automatic lighting.  It also has the bonus of cutting off the
man's freezer.  Hopefully, Bob says, a burgalar will see all this and not let
your efforts go to waste.  Then, as Bob notes, the SOB will get ripped off.
Phew!

  The Midwest's famed T-Shirt Lady really poured it on when the nasty neighbors
messed up her front lawn.  These nasty neighbors let their downspout drain its
cascades of runoff right through the T-Shirt Lady's front lawn.  Not that she
was a lawn 'n grass freak or anything, but she also didn't want a duplicate of
the Grand Canyon in her yard, either.  After some friendly talk, requests, and
other rhetorical devices brought nothing but a continued deepening of Runoff
Canyon, she decided that neighborly niceness had all but eroded.

  "I waited until the next really heavy downpour.  Then, armed with a bit of
downspout extention and a couple elbows, I quickly rerouted their drainpipe's
firing path from my lawn right into their basement window."


============
NOTARY SEALS
============

  Our ideas for buying, stealing, borrowing, or otherwise obtaining a notary
seal brought in some ideas on simple, inexpensive ways to create a very
passable bogus item.  Nasty Ned tells me he simply placed a silver dollar tails
up on a stool.  Then he placed the document over the coin and stood on the
coin/document with a clean, rubberheeled shoe.  Naturally this "notarized"
document won't stand close inspection, but how often have you ever seen any
American official pay that close attention to "notarized" documents?  Nasty Ned
has used the tactics many times and says it works for him.

================
NUCLEAR INDUSTRY
================

  Some members of The Greenpeace Foundation are pretty neat because they ignore
the first part of their name and are damn warlike in their aims.  Being
supportive of these aims, I, too, would torpedo a Japanese or Russian whaler or
shoot a seal hunter.  But, anyway...

  In 1982, Greenpeacers plastered 4,000 bogus radioactive warning signs along
highways in four western states as a protest against nuclear waste shipments.
Many anxious residents and tourists in California, Nevada, Arizona, and Utah
called police and other authorities to complain about radioactivity.

  Good going, Greenpeace, you have the George Hayduke Sticker of Approval. Nuke
the butchering bastards next time!

======
NURSES
======

  A friend of Mark Lochte recently graduated from USC.  As part of his major,
he was required to pass a physical examination at the university health center.
He had already had a run-in with the crabby nurse there who was more pain than
a broken eyeball.  He came prepared for the urinalysis part of the checkup by
secreting a small can of apple juice in his pocket.  Nurse Fuhrer handed him a
specimen cup, aimed him at the bathroom, and commanded him to "fill."

  "My friend went into the room and poured the cup half full of apple juice.
He brought it out to her with a sheepish grin.  She snapped at him, `I said
fill it full, bucko.  Now, get back in there and fill up that cup!; He
shrugged, took back the cup and proceeded to drink the apple juice, then headed
for the bathroom.  The nurse nearly fainted," Mark relates.


======
OCCULT
======

  Tiring of Jesus Junkies and other recuiters for the cross fouling his foyer,
Barclay Mellom considered the occult as a deterrent.  He eventually used other
Hayduking measures to rid himself of the praying pestilence but recalled the
occult when time came to teach a lesson to a pompous, nosy newcomer who was
paying more than a passing fancy to Barclay's young wife.

  "We lived in a Bible Belt area where people really took their devils
seriously," Barclay told me.  "I got a real live occultist from upstate to help
me - he was only too glad to get involved.  Between us, we had my region
believeing that the amorous newcomer was also the real live thing....a true
disciple of the devil.  It was easy:  a few advertisements in the local weekly,
some handbills, the endorsement of the real occultist, and a lot of rumors at
local bars."


=======
OFFICES
=======

  This one's more in the field of practical jokery than true nastiness.  But as
an oldline advocate for that form of fun, I'll vouch for Jerald Jordan's idea
for the doors in you office factory.  Buy a long nontapered punch at the
hardware section of a department store or regular hardware shop.  Arrive early
at your office and use the punch and a small hammer to remove the pins that
hold the two or three hinges to the inner office doors.

  "The point is that the doors will open and close a couple times, then fall
loudly to the floor.  Hide somewhere and watch the action.  People panic,
scream, faint, and have seizures.  It's mammoth fun."


=============
OIL COMPANIES
=============

  The newspaper sadlines are the same all over the country - independent, small
service station operators, which aren't owned by the major oil companies, are
being forced out of buisness.  Jumping Jack Flash of Chesterfield, Missouri has
his own way of fighting back.

  "A large magnet, say from a stereo system, can be placed over the flowmeter
disc on a gasoline pump.  It will stop the mechanism from measuring how much
feul is flowing into your car, but it does nothing to impede the flow of fuel.
Thus, you get your fuel for nothing." Mr.  Flash tells us.


  At least one irritated reader from California is ready to grease his
unfavorite credit card company.  His is a credit card problem with a major oil
company.  He writes that he was a little late with his payment, which he does
not dispute, and he paid bpth the payment and late-charge fee.  But the company
kept charging him the late fee for several more months.  Then they added
interest on top of that and wrote nasty notices.  He wrote, called, explained.
They added more interest.

  "At this point, I figured the hell with them, especially if they wouldn't
answer me.  Here's how I am doing it.  I paid off everything to get a zero
balance on my statement.  I let it go that way for a month so it would be
totally clear.

  "I still buy all my gasoline, oil, tires, and whatnot from my local dealer
because he's a good guy.  But now I pay him in cash.  Yet each month, I also
charge ten cents worth of something on the company card.  The first month it
sent them twenty cents to collect ten cents.  The next month I charged ten
cents and didn't pay my bill.  I let it get overdue.  There is no telling how
long they'll go on or to how much expense they'll go to collect my overdue dime
plus interest.  My dealer thinks it's damn funny as he hates the company, too."


=====
PAINT
=====

  Among your marks, you will find a paint freak, someone who is always touching
up his house, car, fence, kids, et cetera with paint.  Simply slip some
luminescent paint into his bucket or sprayer.  whatever he covers with the
conconction will show up eerie as hell at night.

  Copper paint is a very effective addition for dressing up electrical
circuits.  Several readers suggested painting a thin line of copper paint down
the insulator of a spark plug, for instance, running from metal to metal.  If
you do it on only one plug out of four, you can create electrical havoc for a
mark's car by disrupting the normal circuit flow.  The best part is that 99 out
of 100 mechanics will never spot it as the problem...and all the while their
$$$$ service meter is running.


===============
PARKING TICKETS
===============

  If your mark gets a lot of parking tickets, here's a little extra refinement
you might want to use on him or her.  Remove the ticket from the car before the
mark sees it.  Use one of those novelty rubber stamps that features an upraised
middle finger to stamp a message on the ticket, then return the mark's ticket
to the police.  If you don't have such a stamp, then print or type some foul
message insulting to the police on the ticket.  Or draw something on it.  Blow
your nose on it.  Or glue an obscene or other appropriate piece of artwork to
the ticket before sending it back.  Never include any money, of course.


=======
PARTIES
=======

  Most of us like parties, unless they happen to be right next to where we're
trying to sleep, study, read, or whatever.  One Baltimore couple put up with
people in the next apartment who not only didn't invite them to their blasts,
but also made them suffer through the horrendously noisy debacles all evening
long, then well into the morning.

  "It was all screaming, singing, cursing, and the sound of things breaking and
crashing," an anguished Mr.  Nice-Guy-Nextdoor told me on a talk show.  "The
next time it happened we went over that afternoon with some coffee and light
food and tried to be nice about the whole thing.  They treated us like jerks.

  "Their next party followed that same awful script.  Only this time I got my
tape recorder and very sensitive microphone up against the wall - a typically
parchment thin apartment wall - and recorded about ninety minutes of the
hysteria and hoopla.  They finally quit about five in the morining.  At nine, I
put both our huge stereo speakers right smack up aginst the wall where I knew
their bedroom was and turned up the volume on my set as I played back their
party to them.

  "It took about ten minutes for that anguished couple next door to come over
pleading.  I smiled and said, `Hey, I thought you were having such a good time
you'd like to enjoy your party all over again."

  It worked.


  Formal and semiformal dinner parties are wonderful settings to create
embarrasment if your mark happens to be the host or hostess and you don't mind
being the actor in this little melodrama.  Phil Anders is an expert at being as
rotten as he seems on each page of his wonderful, charming, and witty book,
*How to Lose Friends and Influence Enemies (See Sources).*

  Phil suggests you taste your food, find it repulsive, then spit it out -
partially chewed - onto the table.  You may also berate the host at this point
for serving cheap or spoiled foods.  Phil also says to spill food and drink on
other guests, then make jokes about it.

  If you finish eating before the others and are still hungry, Phil suggests
you can simply help yourself to food on other people's plates.  Other Anderisms
for a dinner party include blowing your nose loudly, as often and as messily as
possible while still at the table, preferably using someone else's napkin, the
table cloth, or your sleeve; belch often and loudly so it sounds as if your
going to throw up; and break wind at the table.  "Nothing feels better after
pigging out," Phil writes.

  Phil Anders is a great guy on your guest list. I wonder if he rents himself
out for Hayduking duties. Phil?

  If I may add some other similar suggestions, you can also belch or cough
while some sweet prig is trying to say grace.  Or, you can shout something like
"Amen, amen, already, let's get to eating this slop...PIG OUT TIME!!!" just as
grace is being finished.  Be sure to step on the last few lines of grace with
your shouts.


====
PETS
====

  There must be a lot of cruel folks out there, like the delivery truck driver
who liked to run over kid's pets (See *Get Even II*).  I got a lot of "Thank
you" letters on that one from grateful readers.  One reader, Tom J.  Mellish,
suggested we give an animal hater all sorts of opportunity to have animals.

  "Swamp this bastard with animals," Mellish suggests.  "Run ads in all kinds
of papers, hit those free radio swap shop announcements, try bulletin board
notices, advertise anywhere and everywhere.  Say something like `Bring me all
your stray and unwanted animals.  I'll pay you a minimum of 5$ for any animal."

  Mellish says the second bite is to call the SPCA and local police to report
that the mark is getting all these animals for unlicensed medical experiments,
occult rituals, pagan rites, and black masses.


  Robert Wheaton suggests that you telephone all the local pet cemeteries in
your mark's name.  Request that a salesman come by to explain their pet burial
program.  If they don't have salespeople making house calls, get them to at
least send out a brochure and give them the mark's telephone number, too.  Let
them hound him later on, just as his barking Bosco has been dogging your
sanity.


  Being a shameless lover of animals and a committed friend of same, the death
of one of these species upsets me.  Turtles are in this special category...I
like turtles.  But when turtles die, they may be used for more than soup.
According to naturalist Dr.  Crank Johnson, few species smell so terrible as a
dead and decaying turtle.  He adds, "There are many chemical reasons for this,
but empirical observation alone will convince most people.  A dead turtle
causes a terrible odor."

  A dedicated Hayduker needs to ask no more questions concerning that fact.


  Laxatives work well on people and superwell on dogs.  RLS, from Apple Valley,
California uses the old dump `em trick for getting nontoxic revenge on barking
dogs that annoy him.  He slips his favorite bowel buster inside some hamburger
which he then slips to the canine noise-makers.  He says this works especially
well with house dogs which cannot control themselves once the laxitives take
over their elimination mechanism.  This hits the owner hardest, which is good
justice.

  In nastier cases, where he wants to get some sleep and the neighbor's barking
dogs won't lay off, RLS says that a few sprinkles of promanzine granules in
hamburger will quiet things down.  He says it is an effective sleepy-time aid
for the dogs, lasting eighteen hours will no ill effect.  By the way, that drug
is actually a tranquilizer for horses.

  This is a switch on the usual "get the dog" theme.  It comes from Jimmy Watt,
and it relies on psychology.  He says, "If you have an obnoxious animal you'd
like to murder, don't!  Instead, drive the owner mad.  Toss some UNpoisoned,
plain hamburger in the owner's yard near the dog pen, then call the owner.
Disguise your voice or have a friend call.  Tell the owner you saw a
suspicious-looking person toss something to his dog.  Or threaten to poison the
dog.  If you really want to run up his vet bill, tell him you already did so.
You can also leave some empty packets of rat poison in his yard at a leter
date.

  Mildred Townsend, normally a mild-mannered public relations person, suggests
another solution for an obnoxious dog.  "You should `dognap' the animal, then
take it to a boarding kennel for three or four days of expensive care.  Ask for
the works...get all of the medical and cosmetic stuff you can order.  Give the
owners name, address, and telephone number, then say that `you' (the owner)
will be out of town for three or four days.  When the real owner/mark gets the
mutt back, he or she also gets a hefty bill."

  If a dog or cat is tearing up your lawn or garden, stake out a mousetrap for
the animal.  Wrap the striker heavily with tape so you don't really blast the
beast, but just give it a hard pinch.  Bait the traps and set them where the
animals have been trashing your place.  It always works, according to Gretchen
Foowatha.


=========
PET SHOPS
=========

  The pet departments at places like your K-Mart and other junk emporiums are
little more than living hells for pets like lizards, mice, hamsters, birds, and
fish.  Here's how to wipe out the clerk/mark who works there.  Go to the pet
department where your mark works and order a couple of goldfish.

  He or she will give you a bland smile and offer a baggie full of water and
some of those poor sickly fish.  Here's what you say.

  "Oh, heck, don't bother with a bag...no thanks...I don't want them to take
out, I'll just eat them here."

  With that, you grasp a fish through the baggie and either eat the whole thing
raw, or bite off its head, depending on how fond you are of fish.  Or bite the
baggie and drink it all in - water, fish, and all.  Sometime clerks are really
fond of small things, even fish, and they get really upset.  If not, most will
get sick anyway and may vomit if you're lucky.


===========
PHOTO SHOPS
===========

  Like bacteria, franchised fast photo service outlets have developed all over
the country.  Jimi the Z says most of them charge outrageous prices for what
passes as speedy, but sporadic service.  He wants you to go after these outlets
if they mess up your holiday, party, or vaction snapshots.

  Before getting down to business, he cautions, "Please don't hassle any of
these places unless provoked.  Some of the smaller independents and even some
chains do really good work and do it cheaply.  So make sure you're in the
right, then knock 'em over."

  Jimi the Z has many scenarios to help you process these photo failures
through your own negative exposure to revenge.  One of his operations involved
obtaining some scuzzy porno pictures and recopying them on 35mm color film.

  "I got them processed by a friend, then used the offending photo lab's own
envelopes to mail selected photos and negatives to local bluenoses, moral
jackoffs, and others of that ilk.  I offended many birds with that one
pornographic stone."

  As an alternative, you might recopy the porno photos, then send them to the
offending photo lab for processing in the name of another mark of your choice.
Or better yet, put them in the name of the mark's spouse or current love
interest.  The lab develops the film, processes the order, and the mark gets
the picture.  Both marks go around at each other over this.  This scam costs
and costs in material, goodwill, public relations, and the emotional stress for
all parties involved...except you, hopefully.

  If you don't get a vengeful rise out of porno, try something technical
instead, says Jimmy.  Load some 35mm Kodak Kodalith Ortho film into bulk
loading cassettes (availiable from Kodak or dealers), then identify it as C-41
color film and deliver it to your photo lab/mark.  Processing it will wreck
their entire chemical system amd cause a lot of expensive down time.

  Jimi the Z also suggests you might want to "volunteer" to be the offending
film lab's advertising agency.  Put ads in the local paper or on radio offering
things like "half-price on all processing for this weekend only." Or offer each
customer a free roll of color film with every roll they bring in to be
processed.  Considering that photo labs are always running promotions similar
to these.  it is easy to place these ads.  You can let your anger, conscience,
and fortitude be your guide.


  Been taking your own porno shots?  Let's say your unfavorite lab doesn't like
your swinging pictures and do-it-yourself porn.  Run ads on behalf of the lab
either in the local establishment media or in the underground press.  The ads
would claim things like, "We develop anything...no questions asked...we love
dirty pix too..we buy your good stuff - the raunchier, the better." Sign the 
ads with the name of the lab or its owner.


======
PILOTS
======

  As a former pilot, I am used to all sorts of stories involving our airborne
brethen.  I once had another pilot take a dear lady friend of mine along on a
trip.  He put a bunch of very ungallant moves on her, culminating in a
veriation of the old "put out or get out" line.  Not wanting to join the Mile
High Club with him, she declined, and when they landed, she refused to return
with this airborne asshole.  Instead, she called me and asked me to come get
her.  Being a good buddy, I did so.  I also got revenge for her.

  A few weeks later, after the Philandering Pilot had forgotten the incident, I
called the FAA Flight Service and filed a Visual Flight Rules (VFR) flight plan
for him, using his aircraft numbers.  He was on another, unfiled, flight at the
time.  Then I opened his "bogus" plan.  However, an hour leter, from an
uncontrolled field where security was lax, I called the Flight Service by
telephone pretending to be the mark's radio contact and announced that his
radios were down and "he" was having a bit of trouble.  Then I forgot about it
and walked away.

  When the FAA effluvia hit the prop wash, the mark - our would-be aircraft
Romeo - got his tail chewed, a large bill for a false search and rescue
operation, and a warning that one more minor stunt would cost him his pilot's
license.  All this had a very calming effect on the man.  We probably made him
a better person.


======
POLICE
======

  The late Hugh Troy mentioned earlier was a king of practical jokers.  Once he
had a run-in with a New York police officer in a park.  The public sevant was
most unservile, treating Mr.  Troy in a surly fashion.  The next day, Hugh Troy
went to the City of New York Office of Property and Supply and bought a park
bench for a good deal of money.  He had it delivered to the same park where the
office had accosted him.  He and two friends did this before the cop's beat
began.  As soon as they say the cop approaching, they picked up the bench and
started away with it.

  To keep this story short, they told the cop they were simply taking the bench
home.  They did nothing to resist arrest and didn't show anyone any arrest
papers, or tell anyone about the purchase until their preliminary hearing.  The
furious judge asked Hugh Troy why he hadn't told the beat cop about buying the
bench.  Mr.  Troy replied that the officer (a) had never asked him, and (b)
told him he didn't want to hear a peep out of him.  The judge gave the cop hell
right in front of everyone and released Hugh Troy and friends.  So much for
bench-pressed justice.


  Why don't people respect our police?  Detroit Jerald tells me this true story
of what's been going on for years now in the American automobile industry.  It
seems when the car companies make a run of police crusiers, word rolls down the
line, and many workers break out supplies of food waste, garbage, roadkill, and
so on, which they hide in the crusiers at various stages of construction.
Supervisors and checkers often look the other way.  Car 54, what's happened to
you?


========
POLITICS
========

  Dr.  Neil Barrister, the Hayduke legal adviser, says you should *never*
forge your mark's name, seal, or signature advocating violence against public
figures - especially a certain chief executive type.  Rather, he suggests you
send loving letters from your mark suggesting pornographic acts between the
mark and the addresse of the letter.  This should be a juicy love letter.  Tell
the politiciam that he sexually turns on the mark.  Make no threats, just nice
lovely stuff.

  "It works great if this mark is a staunch GOP supporter with no sense of
humor.  It's even better, too, of you can actually swipe and use some of his
buisness or personal letterhead and envelopes.  You can also include these
types of letters when you return requests for political contributions," Mr.
Barrister notes.

  Our resident inside sourse at the Secret Service tells me that these types of
cases are always assigned to very serious investigators with absolutely no
sense of humor, personality, or trust of anyone.  Perfect.


  If you have a typical GOP redneck legislator running your home district, you
can do what some intelligent young folks did a few years back in one of our
upnorth hillbilly areas.  One of the youngsters became a mole in GOP circles
and after six months got himself on a radio talk show speaking on behalf of The
Candidate (nee mark).  Without going into details, he made Earl Butz seem like
a member of CORE and Mike Wallace sound like a Chicano...all in The
Candidates's name.


=====
PORNO
=====

  Heidi, our wonderful lady from L.A., has a great trick for porno theatres.
Load up a small plant sprayer with warm milk or light cream, then at an
appropriate part of a hardcore sex film in a porno theatre, shoot a blast at
some mark's head.  The mark will think he's been hit by a load of semen.  Maybe
he'll go looking for the culprit.  Act innocent.  Heidi says that being a woman
she is never a suspect for this trick.  Cum again, Heidi?


===========
PROJECTILES
===========

  A thin-shelled paint grenade can be made using the basics of that old
childhood game of pinholing the two ends of an egg, then blowing out the gloop.
Use a needle and syringe to fill the empty shell with colorful, permanent,
drawing ink. Close with glue, locate your mark, then color to distraction. This
bit of artistic application comes from Alan Kuenau, another California follower
of the Order of St. Hayduke.


==========
PROPAGANDA
==========

  A great propaganda story originated with retired Gen.  Edward Lansdale, a top
pioneer in counterinsurgency expertise for the U.S. military and the CIA.  A
legend in both the Philippines and in vietnam, some of his antiterrorist
propaganda coups are classics in both countries.  His sense of logic and humor,
plus his understanding of the cultures and mores of the people are a model that
some of your foreign service phonies might do well to study.  But enough of
that.

  Soothsayers are very respected and sought out in the Far East.  Knowing this,
while on a CIA assignment in the 1950s, Ed Lansdale decided to write an
almanac.  He filled it with all sorts of prophesies for act-of-God catastrophes
for the Communists, terrorists, and others who were on the opposite side of
Lansdale's battles.

  "Modestly priced - gratis copies would smack too much of propaganda and be
suspicious - it could be sold in the communist north...If it were well done,
copies would probably pass from hand-to-hand and be spread all over the
Communist-controlled regions," Ed Lansdale wrote later.

  His almanac was filled with all sorts of dictions about 1955, written in the
people's idiom by a master:  Ed Lansdale.  It told of very troubled times for
Communists and their friends.  The almanac went over like wildfire and drive
the Communist authorities to extremes to censor it.  You know the effect of
censorship of anything on people...it made them want more.

  Lansdale recalls, "To my own amazement, it foretold some things that actually
happened.  My almanac became a bestseller.  It sold out everywhere when it hit
the stands."


==========
PA SYSTEMS
==========

  Almost all large dpartment stores and mall shops have employee and PA phones
all over the store.  Try to identify the main PA system line button, then
locate an isolated station where you can use that phone unobserved.  Compose
the most objectionable statement you can imagine that you can deliver in about
five seconds.  Make it gross, sick, insulting, or obscene (best if you can
combine all of them).  Write it down.  Then read it over the store's PA line.
Hang up the phone quickly and walk briskly away.  Look as shocked as the rest
of the customers in the store who heard your message.  Do it again another day
or at random intervals.  Always end by saying "This message brought to you by
the management of (*store name*)."


================
PUBLIC UTILITIES
================

  When Joe Copcheck gets wound up, it's tough to stop him.  This time he wants
to settle the score with the utility companies and their hands-in-pocket
government agency friends who help to screw us all.  Joe says, "I saw some
legit ads for something called an `Energy Awareness Seminar' sponsored by our
local natural gas company.  I thought it would be spendid to place ads for
bogus seminars for your company or institutional mark.

  "The kicker would be to offer free weatherstripping, free cookbooks, flue
dampers, and stuff like that for everyone who attends.  Make the seminar for
evening hours when it's likely offices will be closed and no officials will be
there.  Boy, will people be upset because even if the mark gets on the media
and denies the seminar, the word will never reach everyone."

  Joe twisted his energy conservation screw a little tighter with a recycled
version of the recycling drive.  Joe says, "In my version, ads and public
service announcements would have all the scrap and junk delivered to the
buisness office of your least favorite utility or appropriate government
agency.

  "Check current prices for scrap, then offer to pay a bit more.  Perhaps you
could combine all or some of my ideas at once.  It might just cripple the
bastards for a little while.  At least, they'd know we were out there hating
their profit-gouging guts."


  For this next number, you'll have to assume the name of some
official-sounding person, get a telephone drop number, and someone to answer
that telephone for a few days.  You will be going around to talk shows of
various radio stations to arrange interviews as a "consumer relations official"
of whatever public utility you wish to harass.  It's not hard to do this; talk
shows eat up guests and are always looking for more.  Sound interested,
sincere, and informed...a perfect radio guest.  Then, when you get on the air,
sound very reasoned and nice, but let your message be pure fascist or
socialist, whichever will upset the maximum number of listeners.

  One reader, Ron Fattman, did this number on a southwestern water company
recently when he went on to talk about mandatory water conservation plans.
Here are some "official" company policies he announced on a major station talk
show:

  * An immediate ban on all aquariums and noncactus ornamental plants both
    inside and outside all public and private places.

  * All human and pet corpses are to be completely dehydrated in company
    factories to remove all useable water before burial or cremation.

  * In one month's time, fresh water will be shut off to private homes two days
    a week and to industry three days a week.

  * Citizens will be urged to buy filters to purify dishwater and bathwater to
    be recycled for drinking purposes.

  * Mandatory metering on the number of times toilets may be flushed.


=======
PUZZLES
=======

  Do crossword and other puzzle freaks bother you?  Why is it that they always
ask the most disinterested person to help in solving their damn nuisances?  Why
don't they bother each other?  Helpful Harriet offers some advice for dealing
with these puzzle addicts.  she would pretend to study all the cross clues,
make a point of "hmmming" and "ooohhhing" a bit, then would fill in a bunch of
close-but-wrong answers, in ink, of course.  She always apologized minutes
later when the puzzler realized the contest was then unworkable.  But soon
these addicts recognized her for what she was and didn't her bother her
anymore.  Sounds good to me.  But then, anyone who does a puzzle in ink
deserves whatever happens.


==================
RECORD DEPARTMENTS
==================

  Like many other buisnesses and services, the recording industry has their
circular version of cutting corners.  According to an article in *Rolling
Stone*, more than 30 percent of the records released today are below acceptable
standards in some phose of manafacturing.  The reporter estimated that nearly
20 percent of the tapes are ripoffs, too.  Add to those musical mistakes the
fact that many large retail outlets could care less about the quality of the
product for which they take your money.

  Our umbiquitous Jimi the Z has a response to this record madness. If a store
hassles or cheats you, Jimi says to go in and erase their tapes. He cautions
that true record shops rarely cheat or hassle you, so unless they deserve
trouble, leave them alone. For the others who cheat the public with commercial
slop, Jimi the Z uses an E-bow with an off/on switch installed.

  "You can also buy or borrow a small portable eraser from your local
electronics store.  Whichever you use, wave it fast over the tape display
repeatedly.  It works," says this veteran erase artist.


========
RELIGION
========

  Aron Kay is a dedicated old Yipster who probably still hates everything
established and controlled by the ruling junta of the U.S.  Thus, Aron Kay
doesn't trust religion's newest cottage industry:  the Born Again
Convert/Recuiter.  He calls them the McDonald's of religion.  I call them Jesus
Junkies.  Either way, they are trying to inflict their own lifestyle on the
rest of us.  Theirs is not a live-and-let-live world.  It's a slave/master
relationship.  I don't want to be anyone's slave.

  Aron Kay wants to disrupt established religious services.  He doesn't like
any religion.

  Perhaps that's why we have freedom of religion - so we might also have
freedom *from* religion.  Here are some of his methods for turning your other
cheek in Haydukian defiance.


      * Wear clerical robes to a service, remove them, then streak the
        group...buck-assed naked.

      * Smoke a joint during services or when they're in your home.  Offer the
        Jesus Junkies a hit.

      * Plant marijuana in their church yard or in the floral altar.

      * Pie the religious leader.

      * If the group hold orthodox views regarding pork, walk into their midst
        leading a pig on a leash.

      * Wear a devil's costume and mask to meetings or when they come to visit
        you.


  Mail still pours in for me all the time asking, "What can I do about the
religious cuckoos who come to my door all the time?"

  Thanks to Corkie Puckle, we have another answer.  He has a method for dealing
with door-to-door religious nuts who are total mental fruitcakes.

  "Most of them show up in the early evening or on Sunday morning," Puckle
says.  "I'm a skinny runt, so I just show up naked at the door.  Most of them
are assertive, and the women are dry, professional virgins in their unused
forties.

  "They start to hand me a pamphlet, and then they see I am naked.  I smile,
reach out to them, and say, `Hi, I'm Corkie, and I'd like to screw you and eat
your Bibles.  But it's OK if you don't have a Bible...'"

  Corkie adds, "As soon as I tell them that, I offer them a slug from the quart
of beer I have in my hand, then ask them if they want a chaser, too."

  And readers think I'm nutty!


  If a religious recruiter is bothering you and just won't take your usual
verbal "no" or a slamming of your door for a negative response, try this
number.  Write a really spooky "parchment 'n blood" bill of sale stating that
the mark, by full name, has sold his/her soul to the Prince of Darkness, to
roast eternally in the fires of hell in exchange for some worldly possesion the
mark may have won or purchased recently.  Send it to him by registered mail,
and also send a copy to his religious mentor.

  "Let's say the mark has won a lottery, a bingo prize, a church raffle,
something, anything," claims Raoul Swansong, a former Moonie.  "It can be
anything as long as it's material and worldly.  This works best with the ture
fire 'n brimstone types or the serene, high-on-Christ types.  It will keep them
away from you."



  Another reader sent me a newspaper clipping about a religious fanatic who
literally burned a small inheritance of a thousand dollars because he had
recieved a "mysterious letter from Hell telling him the money was in exchange
for his soul."  He was sent away for psychiatric observation when he told the
police the devil had tricked him.  I wonder what Flip Wilson would think of
that?


  At least one tribe of organized Jesus Junkies made Oliver Norton's life
miserable by convicting his mother and her money to their dubious cause.  Ollie
decided it would be better to join than to fight.  Here, in his very own words,
is what he did:

  "I got a Goodwill suit for a few bucks, washed it in my sewerage overflow,
rubbed garlic and cod liver oil into my shirt, swore off toothpaste and
mouthwash for three days, and stayed on a diet of loads of onions, kippers,
hardboiled eggs, cabbage, green chile, and beans.  I put a lot of Vaseline in
my hair, then went calling on upperclass neighborhoods as a representative of
that particular church.  I also went into malls and buisnesses.  I went to
meetings of the local council of churches, representing `my' church, after I'd
called the real representative and told him that the meeting was postponed."

  You can imagine the fire 'n brimstone fallout caused by Ollie's infiltration.
He kept this up for ten days, then went on a preplanned, three-week vacation,
returning home fifteen pounds heavier, four shades more darkly tanned, and with
a beard.


===========
RESTAURANTS
===========

  One of the biggest restaurant complaints I get on talk shows is about soured,
spoiled, bad-tasting foods served at the family-type, sitdown places.  David
Muridae of Chicago employs our animal friends for getting even here.

  "Animals are my principle means of gaining revenge on resaurants which serve
me poorly.  In most people's minds, mice and restaurants don't go well
together," David writes.  "You take a small container of mice into your
mark-restaurant.  When you've paid your bill and are ready to leave your table,
invert your waterglass either on the floor by your table or on the table top
itself.  Of course, before you invert the glass, it is important that you have
placed a mouse in it.  Actually, you may do this to several glasses if you
wish.

  "As it is dark in many restaurants, the waitress will not notice the mice
under the glasses at first.  when she does, she may scream, attracting
attention.  Or she may knock over the glass accidentally while clearing the
table.  Or perhaps new customers will get there before the table is cleared,
and they will discover the mice."

  David has ideas for buffet, cafeteria, or salad bar operations, too.  He
suggests you arm yourself with several dead mice or a small rat before you
venture to your culinary mark's establishment.  He continues, "Palm one of the
dead animals as you go through the line.  Then using the edge of your own plate
to cover the action, drop the body on a dish or bowl of jello.  The trick is to
do this as quickly and naturally as possible."

  As a postscript, you can also leave a customer relations message amid the
little patio tomatoes, under lettuce leaves, and, of course, in one or more of
the dips.  Can you just imagine stuffy Aunt Abigail spooning up her favorite
house dressing only to discover a soggy rodent corpse?  Speaking of
broadcasting!


  Although this will work for many buisnesses, it came in as a restaurant
trick.  Stone Dale of Lexington, Kentucky was fired from his job as a waiter
because he turned down the boss' sexual advances.  Since turnover there was
high anyway, Stoney waited only two months to get back...in the hottest part of
summer.

  "I went to a local poultry farm and got six hens that had recently expired.
That night I tossed them on the flat overhead passway leading from the street
to the nympho's restaurant.  Needles to say, in about two days the place
developed a very fowl odor, and a lot of customers complained.  It took the
bozos and some other ninnies a week to find the maggot-infested remains, remove
them, and try to clean off the odor.  But it persisted for weeks."


  A traveling salesman related how a friend of his met him for breakfast one
morning at a motel restaurant and was prepared to deal them some misery..having
been insulted, overcharged, underfed, and kept awake during his previous stay
there.  Out of a paper sack, he withdrew what looked like a pitcher of pancake
syrup, just like the pitcher used at this restaurant.  His pitcher went on the
table, and their pitcher went into the sack.  Only his pitcher contained motor
oil.


  Napolean is a reader-turned-contributor.  His father is a restaurant chain
maintenance man who says the rottenest trick a customer did to get back at the
owner was to order a meal that included mash potatoes.  He left the potatoes on
the plate with ball bearings buried in the food refuse.  The kitchen helper
hosed the food and bearings off the plate and down into the garbage disposal.
Few disposals can handle ball bearings; it takes a repairperson to undo this
trick.


  No nice, All-American kid comes cleaner than Roger Justick.  That's why I
wondered what happened when he was asked to leave a restaurant.  It seems he
was being too nice, and that made the manager suspicious.  While Roger worried
about it, some of his friends did something about it - from the inside.  Here's
the story of a deep-cover agent; let's call him Randy.

  "I was hired to bus tables and I did it for a day or so to set things up.
The place had those big metal cream pitchers on the tables.  I used to drop a
huge lunger (See *Hawker*) on each one of them for two mornings, before
deciding to go on pernament vacation back to Florida.  What did I care about
the restaurant owner-mark?  He screwed my friend, Roger."



================
RETURN ENVELOPES
================

  Always salvage business reply envelopes you recieve in the mail from
institutions, buisnesses, government agencies, et cetera.  Especially good are
envelopes that were not sealed well or that you opened without tearing.  Or if
you can get a supply when you are visiting an office, keep that in mind, too.
These make great containers for sending materials to your mark, as they
identify a second mark for the first mark to puzzle over as he or she ponders
"why me" in reference to the contents of your parcel.



=========================
RETURN POSTAGE GUARANTEED
=========================

  The next time your magazine sheds a blizzard a business reply cards in your
lap as you read it, think about returning them to their rightful owners.
Recruit Blue of the USAF has a fine response.

  "Send 'em all a penny, taped carefully to the card.  Use the horrible
filament tape that nobody can remove.  They pay the postage on this, so it will
cost them money to recover that penny, and the law says that they have to claim
it if you filled out the card, made a contribution, and mailed it in."


==========
ROCK STARS
==========

  Want to create a riot in your town?  Want to make the life of a record,
music, or video store manager miserable?  Advertise that a cult rock or film
star will make a nonscheduled appearance at the mark's store.  You have no idea
what sort of damage will be caused by a few hundred hardcore fans when their
idol doesn't show up and the ugly word "hoax" goes through the crowd.  Maybe
you could be there to spread the word.


=====
ROOFS
=====

  Windy City Pat told me about a roofing company that contracted to do his home
and not only overcharged him, but didn't do their job properly either.  It took
all sorts of threats to get them to make things right.  It took so much grief
and hassle out of Pat that he decided to do something about it.

  Pat recalls, "I talked with a friend of mine who was a city building
inspector, and he told me an old roofer's dirty trick.  Toss a couple bars of
plain soap into the tar bath used by the roofing company (Pat's mark).  I did
this unobserved during a lunch break, hitting all three baths they had going on
a large industrial project.  It made the tar bubble over in all the wrong
places, took them three days to clean up their mess,and some money to settle
some potential lawsuits for the spillage."


=================
ROTTEN EGG SMELLS
=================

  When I first heard this one, it brought back memories of mass menu recipes I
ran into when I was Uncle Sam's guest.  You know, 195 gallons of this,
eighty-six pounds of that, sixty-one carcasses of these, several bales of
whatzit, and so on.  Anayway, this is a recipe for making a massive quantity of
a solution that, according to its chief cook, smells *worse* than terminally
rotten eggs.

  The Rev. J. Richard Young is our mass-amount chef, and here's his recipe:
Boil twenty-five pounds of sulfur in a fifty-five gallon drum over a hot fire,
adding fifty pounds of lime and water.  After hard boiling for an hour, kill
the fire and let the mixture sit overnight to cool.  Carefully siphon off the
yellowish/orange liquid, but leave the settled lime and sulfur.  Fill the drum
with water, stir the mixture, and bring it to a boil again.  Let it settle and
cool for another night, and again pour off the liquid.

  According to the good reverend, you should have about thirty to forty gallons
of stock.  To this, add one pound of sulphate of ammonia fertilizer for each
gallon of liquid you have.  Stir it, and then cover the mixture.  After an hour
or so, it will stink awesomely, and you are advised to cover it tightly.  To
quote one witness who attended its use once in Winslow, Arizona, the afflicted
area smelled "worse than if every sewer in town had backed up fully in the
middle of summer...It was sickenly gross."


=======
SNOWMEN
=======

  You remember back in your days of innocence when you'd see little kids
building snowmen during our old-fashioned and benign winters?  The tykes would
work all afternoon perfecting their masterpiece.  That evening, lowlife older
kids would come by and kick it and tackle it, bashing it down.  Or older
derelicts would drive their cars into the little kid's snowmen, destroying
everything.

  Consider, though, what would happen if these little kids got some advice and
help so that they built their snowperson around a fire hydrant, a cement pole,
a tree stump, or something else that would give a person or a car equal or
worse impact damage.


=======
SOURCES
=======

  Following are some sources of information, equipment, supplies, and other
goodies that a Hayduker needs.  This list supplements earlier source listings
in my other books.


  Anders, Phil.
  How to Lose Friends and Influence Enemies.
  Dallas: PZA, Box 12852, Dallas, TX 75225

  - This book is full of wonderful arrogance and ideas. Try it, you'll hate it,
    and that's good.


  Beat the Heat
  Ramparts Press, 1972
  Availiable from RECON, Box 14602, Philidelphia, PA 19134

  - A good what-to-do-if-busted guidebook.


  Capitol Fireworks
  1805 W. Monroe Street
  Springfeild, IL 62704

  - A good source of various fireworks displays, units, and components, they
    sell a catalog for 2$.


  Center for Study of Responsive Law
  P.O. Box 19376
  Washington, DC 20036

  - This outfit is a resource center for law abuse by major corporations,
    governement, and others who pick on little people. Their best feature is
    the books and pamphlets they have for sale. Write for their list.


  Cohn, Roy.
  How to Stand Up for Your Rights and Win.
  NY:Simon & Schuster, 1981.

  - An excellent How-To book by the most pugnacious and expensive trial lawyer
    a vengance seeker could ever hope to have.  His book costs a lot less than
    he does and is full of excellent advice.  You should have this one in your
    library.


  Douglas, Jack.
  Benedict Arnold Slept Here.
  NY: Pocket Books, 1975.

  - A funny book by a very witty writer, this particular tome has some
    excellent paybacks, stunts, and very dirty tricks from about page 124
    through the end of the book.


  TAP is an informal [And Dead] newsletter that tells you everything you need
to know about dealing with electronic ripoffs and technovengance in the public
utility field.  It is totally a reader co-op operation.  Technology of the
articles runs from very basic to complex.  You will find unique information on
lockpicking, vending machines, how some people are hooking up free cable TV,
how the fake birth certificate ID scheme is run, phone phreaking, TWX
phreaking, computer phreaking, free postage, free Xerox, free electricity, free
gas, and more.  Write TAP, Room 603, 147 W.  42nd St., New York, NY 10036

  [I wouldn't suggest it... TAP went under a while ago... Try to find Back
issues...  Somewhere...]


  WESTECH CORP.
  P.O. Box 593
  Logan, Utah 84321
  (801)-563-6401

  - An excellent source of materials for building fireworks and pyrotechnics.
    They have an excellent catalog for just 3$.



===========
SPERM BANKS
===========

  This slippery little trick out to get up the dander of most people.  So we
owe a special thank you to a good friend, Dr.  Wilbur Nosegay.  To start this
one, you need to make some Xerox machine letterhead that says something like
"Reproduction Researchers" or "Sperm Donors Anonymous."

  The operation begins when you use this letterhead to prepare a solicitation
letter to your mark, enclosing a vial or tube with the letter, Tell the mark
you are paying ten dollars for a shot of his sperm.  Enclose a medical form for
him to fill out noting name, age, date, IQ, race, and time of emmision.  This
one is perfect for multi-mark use, too.

  If, God forbid, any mark is stupid enough to comply and you should somehow
get the vials returned to a real post office box (this is all in theory, of
course), you can simply remail them to the mark's girlfriend, wife, mother,
minister, et cetera.  In reality, it is best not to use your real post office
box on your return address.  If you're smart, that box number will belong to
some secondary mark.


============
SUPERMARKETS
============

  Filthy McNasty is a true suburban guerrila.  He tells me that you can harass
a supermarket by planting smokebombs, especially if you and some cohorts fan
the fear by paniking and screaming "FIRE!  FIRE!"

  He also suggests you can trap and let loose wild critters in a market.
Opossums, rabbits, mice, lab rats, and squirrels are all good guests to
introduce to the market.  Birds do well when released into a crowded market -
both small, dirty nuisance birds like grackles and the larger ones like
pigeons.

  Add a few dead roaches to a large bag of crickets, which you can get from a
bait shop, and let this loose in the market.  Most people will assume the
crickets are really cockroaches.  This is great for cranking up the rumour
mill, too.  Filthy says if you can display some roadkill or dead lab rats in
with some real goodies for sale in the meat cases, it will help things along.


  Don't go shopping with S 'n M from Ansonia, Connecticut either.  He gets back
at nasty supermarkets by using a strong pin and sticking holes in the bottoms
of milk cartons and plastic soda bottles.

  "With a little reconnaissance, you can also discover where you can either
turn down or shut off freezers and coolers in the store.  Also find a new
product called `Magic Shell.' It is intended to form a sweet shell over ice
cream.  Happily, it makes a hard shell on anything cold," S 'n M says.

  "It is especially hard to remove if it hardens on glass.  How about putting
some Magic Shell on your mark's cars windshield or on his home picture windows?
If you leave it on half an hour, it's a bitch to get off and overnight, it's
almost impossible to remove."

  "Once a really stupid mark thought he'd try to be smart, and he turned on his
defroster to melt the magic shell off his windshield.  All the melted goop ran
down into his engine through the air vent on the hood, screwing him even more.
I loved it."


===========
SWEEPSTAKES
===========

  The reason that con artists succeed is that people are basically greedy and
sometimes dishonest, e.g., most folks want something for nothing, and all of us
are bargain hunters.  That's what Casey Rolands of Tampa, Florida had in mind
when he shared this scam.

  "All you do is call thirty of forty people in your city and read a written
statement which you present after making them identify themselves.  You tell
each person something along the line of `Congratulations, (name of person
called), you've won our free telephone (name some other secondary mark a
business or radio station) sweepstakes.  No, this is no gimmick and not a sale.
It's just our free sweepstakes to show people in (town name) how much we love
'em.  To collect your prize call (then give them the mark's number) and ask for
(mark's first name).'"

  You may answer questions but always seem excited and urge them to call today,
as Casey adds with a laugh.

  "If you want to build it up a bit, identify yourself as being from local
outfit that regularly gives away huge sums of money.  It works so well that
irate people will call the mark for weeks wondering what happened to their
prize money," he says.


===========
SWEETHEARTS
===========

  Here's an unusual case of a wife striking back at a straying husband.  This
clever ruse starts with the wife sending a brief note to her husband's lover,
setting up a clandestine, surprise dinner rendezvous for two.  The not says it
is all a big surprise and not to call or ask him about it....big secret stuff.
The note hints at good things like divorce, carrying the lover away,
remarriage, et cetera.

  The next step is, of course, not to let hubby know about this dinner date.
wait for about fifteen minutes after the appointed hour he is supposed to meet
lover and call the restaurant.  Page him.  Lover will probably answer.  Wife
then says to the other woman, "Would you please ask my husband to come to the
phone?"  The rest of the conversation should be played by played by ear.  The
main idea is that the lover will wonder, how did (wife) know????


  Revengeful Rebecca Between the Slices of Rye (honest, that's the way she gave
her name) says she learned that her old man was playing around, so she started
leaving these sexy-style men's underwear in her car, after putting thick stains
and baby oil marks on them.  She also started leaving a different brand of
cigarettes around the house and once put a large cigar butt in the unflushed
toilet.  She alternated between being very passionate and very played out in
bed.  She made his ego miserable.


  I talked to Jim Flasherman just before leaving Chicago's blizzrd-swept O'Hare
Airfield one summer day.  He's really a radio personality, and he passed along
a great idea for releasing some stress and emotional pain in the direction of a
former lover or wife who is sharing her body, affections, and/or loyalty with
someone else.

  Jim says.  "This works best if your ex is on welfare.  You simply call the
welfare office as a good citizen and turn her in on prossie (prostitute)
charges.  Or you get a friend to pose as a cop and do the same.  As gilding,
get a bunch of other people to make the same complaint.  You have no idea how
much trouble that causes."

  I checked this with a law enforcement official in another state, and he told
me that most agencies surely would check it, even if the woman were not on
welfare.  Significantly, though, he told me, "Women alone, especially divorced
women, are vulnerable to this sort of thing.  You know how society and the old
double standard are.  It's nasty, but it's effective."


==========
TAILGATERS
==========

  When moldy motorheads used to drive behind me in the typical tailgate
approach, I used to slow down to fifteen MPH.  But this usually inconvenienced
me more than it irritated them.  I was overjoyed a few years ago when I saw a
bumper sticker on a car parked in a small lot near Washington, It read *Honk if
You're an Asshole*.

  "Perfect idea," I said aloud to myself.  "All we need to do is add the word
"tailgating" before "asshole" or "tailgater" after it."

  Another antitailgating tactic comes from Wise King Cobra who uses a two-phase
toggle switch to back the bastards away from his vehicle.  His first switch is
hooked to his brake lights, and when some yo-yo crawls up Cobra's bumper, he
hits that switch.  A few flicks and some tailgaters back off.  Others need more
of an adrenalin boost.  That's what the second switch is for.  It is hooked to
the Cobra's backup lights.

  "It's damn tough to follow someone as close as tailgater does and not get
that loose-bowel feeling when you see backup lights flare up right in your
face.  They *always* fall back after that.  I've even seen some run off the
road.  That's a wonderful feeling."


========
TEACHERS
========

  Poor school teachers do get dumped on a lot.  It's too bad because there are
a lot of nice teachers.  So please don't pick on them just because they happen
to be your teachers.  Remember, a lot of them aren't much happier about all
this than you are, and sometimes they're a lot more nicer and civilized than
you are.

  Of course, there is always the exception who must be dealt with.  On one talk
show in New Orleans, a caller named Dan told me about his shop teacher accusing
kids of stealing tools from the supply room.  The kid he really jumped on for
theft was totally innocent and said so - finally, very loudly.  He got sent
down to the office, and draconian discipline came down upon him.

  "We decided to get even," Dan relates.  "That teacher knew who really took
the stuff, but he's afraid of this big kid, so he blamed a little kid and
covered it up that way.  We figured if this teacher was such hot stuff and was
so concerned about `hot' tools, we'd fix him right up.  Just before he was to
give a demonstration on using pliers properly, we heated the handles of his
pliers with a torch.  Isn't there something in the Bible about burned fingers
and thieves?  Anyway, it was a just dessert."

  The Bible, Dan? Really!


=========
TELEGRAMS
=========

  Claude Pederast, a former Western Union employee, writes to inform us that
his ex-employer has an unofficial habit of reading customer messages in a
covert fashion.

  "Western Union computers are programmed to hit on certain key words when they
automatically process telegrams," Claude informs us.  "Words such as *gun,
drugs, sex, assassination, terrorist, riot, and conspiracy,* will all trip in
the computer."

  I'm sure our readers could make good use of this intelligence.

  As you already know, the late H.  Allen Smith is one of my favorite
humorists.  He used a worthy technique on a mark, sending him an express
telegram that read, "Vital that you ignore my previous telegram." That's it.
That's enough.


============================
TELEPHONE ANSWERING MACHINES
============================

  As always, Jimi the Z has an answer for these mechanical monsters.  A gentle
starter from Jimi is for you to record the mark's own opening lines, then when
his machine beeps for your message, play back his own line to him.  With luck,
the mark will think his machine is screwing up and take it in for costly
unecessary repairs.  Do this a lot; it works well.


  If your mark is likely to react badly to scary things, try this approach.
Tape the voices of demons telling the mark evil things.  Use your creative
imagination for background and voice style.  Use messages that create paranoia
and stress, such as his/her mate having sexual relations with animals,
necrophilia, et cetera.  Quote the darker passages from Milton, Hitler, Poe,
Goethe, Mick Jagger, Ron Reagan, or Phil Anders.  Study the instructive parts
from *The Exorcist* for help there.


=========
TERRORISM
=========

  A great scam for these tumultous times is to turn your mark into a terrorist.
Ginger from Tampa was bothered by local rowdies and hoodlums who terrorized her
and her elderly brother.  Her son suggested that since the neighborhood
hooligans were acting like terrorists, they might as well get full recognition.
He went to a hardware store and bought pieces of plumbing pipe and end caps.

  "I stuffed some of the pipes with sand, drilled a small hole in the middle,
and stuck in a `fuse,' actually a piece of cord covered with glue.  I put the
end caps on.  Then I put a few more of these `bomb components,' including an
empty black powder can in a paper bag," the son wrote.

  "I planted this bag under the seat of one of the hoodlum's cars, then called
police and reported terrorists driving that car and waving submachine guns
around.  Within an hour, the car was spotted, the young owner was rousted, his
car was searched, and the fun was on.  I also called local TV stations to tip
them off, and one reporter actually showed up with a camera and shot film to
use on the air.  The parents were furious with their kid and didn't believe his
plea of innocence anymore than the police did.  It slowed the hoodlums down a
lot because the police kept watching them after that."

  We live during insane times, and a good trickster will take full advantage of
this fact.


=======
TV SETS
=======

  This one is not a do-it-yourself project unless you have some solid
electronic knowledge.  It's from Dweezle Moonunit of L.A.  and he says you
should know that building illegal transmitters is a violation of federal law.
But lots of other things are too, including bribes, payoffs, campaign
contributions, et cetera.

  Dweezle says that for about twenty-five dollars, it is possible to build a
small transmitter that will screw up your mark's TV reception far better than
any garden-variety CB or unfiltered ham set.

  "This small, battery-powered device should be operated near the mark`s
antenna, cable connection, or TV set itself.  You will have to design it for
the distance factor from the mark.  Use Ni-Cad batteries so it will operate for
weeks," Dweezle writes.

  "Who would ever think a clandestine transmitter is interfering with TV
reception?  Nobody would.  You mark will spend uncomfortable hours and scarce
dollars with repairmen.  You might even hope for the mark to blame his
neighbors, which would cause secondary fun for you."


  Not having his green card, but owning lots of greenbacks from his illegal job
as a member of The Committee to Re-Elect the President, Argentine-born Jesus
Hitle bought a color TV set from a large discount store in West L.A.  The set
was a true lemon, and he wanted his money back.  Jesus tried all the
traditional consumer stuff that Ralph Nader tries to teach.  The store
stonewalled in his face.

  "I got several small magnets and placed them on the screens of many of the TV
sets on display in the store," Hitler reports.  "I was told that the magnets
would attract particles from the electron guns of the TV reciever to that one
spot and burn a `hole' in the tube."

  It worked well, reported Jesus.


  Another attack on the TV set is to take a large handheld tape eraser and run
it over the back of the color tube - the "neck" or part that sticks out in a
hump.  This will mess up the color alignment and could injure the line scan,
too, if you're lucky.



===========
TYPEWRITERS
===========

  Do you know a typist who wastes her time and the company's doing personal
letters or typing term papers for outside money on company time?  Do you know a
typist you just don't like for some reason?  If that typist has one of the
various typewriters that uses a ball, cover the ball heavily with either clear
nail polish or a clear spray paint.  It gives new meaning to the concept of
invisible ink.


=====
URINE
=====

  As many readers have pointed out, urine is a wonderful weapon in our arsenal.
But did you know three-week-old urine is the ultimate weapon?

  While attending a rather wild party when he was a young Marine, Old Sarge got
blotto and passed out.  His "buddy" urinated all over his sleeping friend.
Told of the event by other troopers, Old Sarge allowed some time to pass before
getting even.

  "I peed in a butt can (a No.  10 Juice can) each day, then poured that into
some plastic gallon jugs.  We had a storage area in our barracks, so it was no
problem hiding it.  My `ole buddy' was a lance corporal and had his own room in
the barracks.  Now, these barracks had concrete floors, and in his room, there
was a bit of a depression near the bed.

  "After collecting and storing urine for three weeks, I went to his room one
night when he was passed out drunk.  I poured that stuff all around his
bed...ten gallons of it.  It was pretty cold in the Carolina's that winter, and
the floor was frigid.

  "The next morning at reveille, he hit the floor, his feet landed in that
cold, stale, stinking piss, and he slipped and fell right on his ass in it.  I
never even cracked a smile.  His room stunk for weeks after that.  Funny thing
is, we're the best of buddies now."


  Charles Platt is a very clever fellow whose name will live in the annals of
science much like that of Thomas Crapper, the inventer of the toilet.  Charles
Platt is the father of the Long-range Urine Release Device (LURD).  Less
cosmopolitan souls than Charles and I would call it a "piss box." But really...

  Charles designed his LURD to meet the following needs:

        1. A nonviolent, nonhazardous way to saturate the victim with stale
           urine, in such a way that...
        2. No personal involvement or appearance of the "gift giver" is
           required; and....
        3. The device can be safely sent by mail, turned upside-down,
           et-cetera, without risk of premature urine release.

  Here's how it works.  First, cut out of stiff cardboard the shapes shown in
the illustration.  Fold up the sides of the base.  Glue the lid together (spead
glue on the shaded tab areas).  Mount the four razor guards (explanation below)
on the base in the positions shown.  Get a strong plastic bag (preferably a
garbage bag cut down to size) and fill with urine.  If available, feel free to
add some vomit.  Tie the neck of the bag *securely*!

  You will now need an old coat hanger, some strong pliers, epoxy glue, and
four single-edged razor blades.  The blades should be the kind with a metal cap
bent over one edge, so they can safely be held.  Snip off a few lengths of the
coat hanger and use them to brace the razor blades in the corner of the box lid
in the positions shown - sharp edges facing down into the lid.  The idea is
that the blades will slit the bag of urine when the box is opened.  Push the
bits if coat hanger through the cardboard sides of the lid, cut them off flush,
and glue them (apply the glue from the inside only).

  Next put the bag of urine into the lid.  During this sensitive operation, you
must protect the bag from contact with the blades.  Do this by slipping little
pieces of strong paper in-between.  Leave enogh of the pieces of paper sticking
out so that you can subsequently extract them.

  Now slide the sides of the base down into the lid, so they slide between the
bag of urine and the sides of the lid.  Make sure the razor guards end up
between the urine bag and the blades.

  When the box has been put together, pull out the pieces of strong paper which
provided temporary protection between the blades and the bag.   *This arms the
lurd*. It cannot now safely be disassembled.

  All you need to do now is gift-wrap and mail.  Note that the slicing action
of the blades is most effective when the box is opened with the lid section
facing up and the base at the bottom.  To give the victim psychological
encouragement to open the box this way, two-half-circles are cut out of the
edges of the lid (as shown), providing a convenient way for the victim to hold
the box as it is being opened, in the "correct" position.

  As soon as the lid slides up, the blades move up beyond the razor guards and
cut into the bag.  Gaps between the sides of the base provide ample room for
the urine to run out.  This is especially effective if, for instance, your
victim is sitting at an office desk covered with important paperwork....



================
VENDING MACHINES
================

  Maybe your vending machine served you a rotten meal or took your money and
didn't deliver anything.  The design of the machine will help you get even.  On
most machines, when you remove the product, the door stays open.  That means
you can put something of your own choosing into the machine.  Some additions
that come readily to mind are:  a recapped bottle of pop containing a dead
mouse, an old condom, a nicely wrapped sandwich containing dead mice, used
Kleenex, sado-porn photos, or Kotex.

  Some good street people wrote in to say that No.  14 brass washers are still
availiable in many old-fashioned hardware stores.  Cover one side with scotch
tape, trim evenly, and have an instant dime that cost a helluva lot less than
ten cents.

  If you have some reason to rip off a newspaper, you can get free copies of
the paper from the older style vending machines.  Simply pull hard on the
handle and either strike the top of the machine or kick the bottom.  It should,
open for you.  If someone sees you, tell them the machine ate your money and
didn't deliver as promised.  The person will understand.

  Or stick "OUT OF ORDER" signs over the face of every newspaper vending
machine you can find.  This works well with any vending machine, actually.


  Here's a good question from S 'n M of Ansonia, Connecticut.  He wants to know
why any trickster would spend good money on brass washers to rip off a
newspaper vending machine.  He has an easier way.

  "Usually, there is a small hole on the tops of these machines. Stick a pin or
something thin, strong, and sharp in there, push down, and pull on the door.
It will open, and you'll have your paper." Readers should note that some
companies weld over or plug these holes for precisely this reason. But, there
are other methods, like No. 14 brass washers.


=================
VENEREAL DISEASES
=================

  This basic idea came from several readers and is meant to be an "up yours"
style response to any ex-sweetheart or sex date who has given you some
physical, social, or mental disease.  Here is this nice payback in its generic
form.

  You call the mark and use the name of Dr.  So-and-So of the Department of
Health.  The mark is informed that his/her name appeared on a list given to the
health department by area physicians who have treated these people for venereal
diseases.  You may name a specific strain in you wish.  Mexican herpes is a
good one.

  Usually, the mark is too stunned to do more than stammer denials, but you
brush these aside and start asking specific, embarrasing, and personal
questions about "who, when, and what." Then you advise the mark to notify all
of his or her parteners and see a physician as soon as possible for tests.

  Keep the telephone number of the real health department handy in case the
mark asks about it for verification.  Can you imagine someone in that
bureaucracy trying to verify a call from a hysterical mark?  Great!

  This stunt is good to pull on the mark at work, so you can tell the telephone
operator, secretary, or receptionist all sorts of good information about this
call being of a personal and confidential nature.  People have foul minds when
it comes to calls from the health department.  That's double your fun for one
call.


===========
VIDEO TAPES
===========

  Herman Kansas wanted to get back at a true sicko-type bully.  The bad guy
owned a video deck, so during a party, Herman placed a couple of small pullet
eggs in the cassette slot and slammed it shut.  The next day, a video repair
guy checked out the mess and eventually charged Senor Bully $250 for the repair
work.

  As for upsetting TV cameras, Howard Packer says to fire several large
flashbulbs directly into the lenses as close range while the video camers are
on.  A large strobe unit will work well here.  Howard says this wrecks the
Vidicon tubes...at a very high replacement cost.

  Jimi the Z says that if any cut-rate video dealer gives you grief beyond
reason, simply do your duty as a good citizen and report the store and manager
to the FBI for illegally duplicating commercial tapes.  Since the Reaganistas
halted the FBI from busting corporate and other important crime, the feds now
concentrate on rousting video pirates and high school dope smokers.


====================
VISUALLY HANDICAPPED
====================

  This is a variation of that old film routine with W.C.  Fields as a
shopkeeper waiting on a blind man.  You can use it to bamboozle those elected
old pharts and their toadies who run your municipality as their own feifdom.
You and a friend enter their offices dressed in curious color and design
variations, wearing dark glasses, carrying white canes, and then you start
bumping into things.  Make demands that the minutes of local board meetings be
provided in braille and that all ordinances be so published.

  If your community newspaper is like so many of this country, i.e., a
publicity extention of the local merchants, with a Chamber of Commerce
mentality, pull the same stunt in thir offices.  Demand a Braille edition.
There is a lot of expensive equipment in newspaper offices, e.g., computer and
video display terminals, TV sets, monitors, et cetera.  A blind person and his
cane can't be held responisble for this damage, especially of the newspaper
people are insensitive to their needs.  Ho, ho, ho.  The only needs many
newspaper people are sensitive to are those of the big advertisers.


=======
ZIPPERS
=======

  Joe LaTorre suggests a bit of whimsical harassment that could have some real
teeth in it.  If you have to put up with someone who is appropriately annoying
and who also wears a coat with a zipper, he offers an idea.

  "Use a pair of pliers to firmly bend the right hand reciever (on a man's coat
- reverse for women) just enough so the guide on the other side will not slip
into the reciever.  Don't leave plier marks, or bend it so much that it is
noticeable; just enough so it won't work," Joe suggests.

  He also says to be sure and talk to your mark while he or she is trying to
get this zapped zipper to work.  It makes things more frustrating, especially
if you're putting on subtle pressure or acting semi-impatient.  Joe calls it a
minor irritant, but he says it causes true frustration.  I like it.


======
ZONKED
======

  That's what I am from writing all this stuff, and if you've read straight
through this far, you deserve to go get zonked on your favorite vice.  This is
it, the end for this time.  As always, I continue to welcome your letters,
scams, and rotten stunt ideas for the next book.

  And as Roy and Dale always sang at the end of the show, "Happy trails to
you...until we meet again...Happy trails to you..."



  "Put an amen to it. There's no more time for praying. Amen!"

                                                - Ethan Edwards, 1868


==========================
This Textfile Was Transcripted By Jason Scott.
And I ask that you patronize these boards:

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  The Dark Side.....300/1200/2400..............................408/245-SPAM

 Spelling/Typing errors and stuff corrected by Mr. Pez, for no particular
reason.  Uh Huh.