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131 lines
7.5 KiB
Standard ML
131 lines
7.5 KiB
Standard ML
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: The Anarchist's Guide to Nighttime Fun :::::
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:: written february 3rd, 1986 6:22 AM ::::
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::: By UrLord Thomas Covenant :::
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:::: And SOFDOX Krackers ::
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:::::..........................................................................:
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"I hate the light / I speed at night!"
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-DIO, "I Speed at Night"
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As with all SOFDOX Krackers releases, this file has no introduction. If you
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dont like it, as we've said before, piss off.
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`O_o' Part One: Setting the Mood `O_o'
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( ) ( )
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U oop ack! U
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[If you don't get the obvious reference to Bill the Cat here, piss off again.]
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Here is some inspirational music for you a la Count Nibble, albeit a bit more
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on the destructive side. See? You need not be punk to do these things! Won't
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the Neon Knights be relieved to find out they won't have to give up Midnight
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Mass at the Black Church?
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DIO: I Speed at Night
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IRON MAIDEN: Running Free, Prowler
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JUDAS PRIEST: Breaking the Law, Genocide, Some Heads Are Gonna Roll
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KROKUS: Stay Awake All Night, Ballroom Blitz, Headhunter, Eat the Rich
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Try to get the live versions whenever possible. Admit it, there's something
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mildly thrilling about hearing cheers and applause while you reduce a house to
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a fine heap of rubble and you know it...
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`O_o' Part Two: Setting it Up `O_o'
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( ) ( )
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U oop ack! U
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Make plans well ahead of time, with your friends, or the members of your
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political party. (All right, quit pointing that gun at me and I won't say
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another word about Communism...)
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To get the most out of your outing, you need a car. I myself like the exercise,
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added challenge, and versatility of walking, but it's a pain to carry all your
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shit in a backpack. A car admittedly speeds things up, and adds the fun of a
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car chase at the end. (Ever play "Chicken" with five cops and a steam shovel?
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I have...)
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What's the best number of people for this kind of outing? No more than 7. 7 is
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a lucky number, and more than 7 creates a lot more noise, especially after most
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of the car's occupants have had a few belts and are feeling playful enough to
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want to attempt to ride up the steps of the courthouse at 80 MPH. Keep things
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simple, there's plenty of time to get rowdy AFTER you've had your fun. (This
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number does not take into account any beavers you might happen to pick up on
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your way. Just toss 'em in the trunk. They'll keep there for months.
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`O_o' Part Three: Downtown `O_o'
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( ) ( )
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U oop ack! U
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Downtown is the best place to start. Start at the very center, where most
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likely there will be a park or a high-rise shopping mall. ("Suburbia? Gee,
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what's that? We don't have anything this Neet-O in my town...") (Of course
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not, dickweed, you come from a town so small I could annilihate it in less than
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three hours...)
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If there's a parking ramp, go into it. Aw gee, there's a gate blocking the way!
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Can't have that, can we? Drive right through it (try not to get splinters on
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your expensive clothes and delicate skin) and cruise around the lower levels
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smoking weed, drinking, and looking for cars that are parked there overnight.
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When you find one, position it so it's on the edge of that one incline that
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goes ALL the way down to the street, give it a push, and jump back in the car
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and try to beat it down. If you don't, use another car until you can rightfully
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call yourselves the racing champions of the parklot. If you're lucky and can
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find an expensive limo, destroy it in a rage because it's so much better than
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your car. Paint inside and out, license plates ripped off and sold to Mexican
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immigrants at a HUGE profit margin, windows smashed, and doors battered in!
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Don't you feel so much better now that you've worked off all those unhealthy
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hostilities? Oh, almost forgot; take the radio too. And back out to the street,
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where you head for the all night cafes.
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Go through the drive-ins at all the MacLands around until you find one that's
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being staffed by a good looking female. Offer her a ride. If she demurs, get
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fed up and just all of you jump on at once, tie her up, and drive away. The
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manager shouldn't object, those nighttime workers get less than minimum wage
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anyway.
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Okay, the downtown area will now be avoided by all for quite a while. Time to
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move out to the rich residential area, otherwise known as the Burbs.
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`O_o' Part Four: Suburbian Disaster `O_o'
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( ) ( )
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U oop ack! U
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Okay, out in this part of town there are a lot of dogs and old ladies, so turn
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the headlights down low and drive SLOW. Here, you have to be very quiet for the
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first 90% of your mayhem spree, so it will go unnoticed until you're ready to
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leave. Don't fret, there are plenty of quiet things to do. A plastic garbage
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bag makes almost NO noise being sliced open, and the garbage inside can fall
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all over someone's lawn without being heard. Paint makes almost no noise being
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applied to a house or car, and neither does the placement of many sharp tiny
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objects around people's tires.
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A really mean thing to do is find one of those houses that have a HUMONGOUS
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glass window that covers almost a whole wall, and spray paint every inch of it
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in jet black, so no light can get through. That's the most spectacular method,
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anyhow; it can be done just as well or better by painting ALL the windows
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black.
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Then cut the power lines to that house so their alarm doesn't go off. Then find
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their water pump (all suburbians have one, as they are very health-conscious)
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and spike it with equal parts of Demerol, Valium, and Marax (a very potent
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CNS depressant).
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Find a house with kids; you can tell these by looking in the garage and seeing
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a He-Man Masters of the Universe Cycle or (even worse, but yes, they do exist)
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a Cabbage Patch Kid Cycle. Whatever happened to good ol' generic Big Wheels?
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Look around through windows until you find the kiddies' room. Write nasty
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words in reverse so they can be read the right way from inside. Tape up center
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folds from Hustler (or Playgirl for the gals).
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Now, an old person's house. These are also easy to find, they are the ones with
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an American flag flying (trash it, or keep it for room decoration), elaborate
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gardening sets with nice little orderly patterns of different kinds of flowers
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(rip them all out and plant pot and ragweed), quaint mottos hanging over the
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doorway (replace with "Fuck Neighbors and Salesmen"), and radial TV antennas
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(QUIETLY remove and keep for decoration or nail animal bodies to the side of a
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house with it).
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All mellowed out now? No? Well, now that you've done all this, you don't want
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to leave until you can see the expressions on their faces. A nice tried-and-
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true method is to take a regular phone, and hook it up to an external plug
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(bring a modular adaptor if necessary) and call 911, saying whatever you want.
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While you're waiting for the cops to arrive, start at one end of the street and
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drive down it, trailing gas all the way. Light this, and start making a lot of
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noise (honk the car horn, break windows, scream and shout, whatever). Do this
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for as long as you feel safe, then TAKE OFF, and disappear into the night.
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(I always was one for dramatic exits...)
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(c) 1986
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A Three Sheets to the Wind Production
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