mirror of
https://github.com/opsxcq/mirror-textfiles.com.git
synced 2025-09-09 11:11:01 +02:00
136 lines
8.1 KiB
Plaintext
136 lines
8.1 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
_
|
|
| \
|
|
| \
|
|
| | \
|
|
__ | |\ \ __
|
|
_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
|
|
| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
|
|
| | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | |
|
|
| | /________/ | | / / /________/ | |
|
|
| | | | / / | |
|
|
| | | |/ / | |
|
|
| | | | / | |
|
|
| | | / | |
|
|
| | |_/ | |
|
|
| | | |
|
|
| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
|
|
| |________________________________________________________________| |
|
|
|____________________________________________________________________|
|
|
|
|
...presents... How to Get By When You're Just As Dumb
|
|
As Everyone Else, but Uglier
|
|
by Snarfblat
|
|
01/01/1996-#303
|
|
|
|
__///////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\\__
|
|
\\\\\\\/ Everything You Need Since 1986 \///////
|
|
___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___
|
|
|___heal_the_sick___raise_the_dead___cleanse_the_lepers___cast_out_demons___|
|
|
|
|
In an effort to rebel against your parents you've shoved metal objects
|
|
through your face, injected ink under your skin; and put dog shit, dye and
|
|
bleach in your hair. You're an ugly fuck and there's nothing you can do
|
|
about it. In the words of Milk and Cheese, "You morons! Tattoos aren't as
|
|
easy to forget as bell bottoms!"
|
|
|
|
Then one day you come to realize that the only things you're rebelling
|
|
against are food, housing, fun, and comfort. Don't worry, there are still
|
|
options for you. True... these options suck, but if you don't like it you
|
|
should just kill yourself. Otherwise, shut up and get with the program.
|
|
|
|
One job opportunity for you is to become a Generation-X anti-hero. This
|
|
requires some talent (usually musical in nature). However, we will assume you
|
|
have no such talent. If you are talented and a greedy record label has not
|
|
exploited you yet, you probably aren't as talented as you think you are. Your
|
|
only hope is to make one dollar an hour playing in a dank, urine-soaked train
|
|
station.
|
|
|
|
It is insignificant whether or not you actually have the knowledge to
|
|
make a living for yourself. We are assuming you have mutilated your body so
|
|
badly that babies and grown men alike burst into tears when they look at you.
|
|
You have more metal than skin on your face and you think it makes you better
|
|
than everyone else. It only makes you better at sucking. You try to look
|
|
like Eddie Vedder by not washing your clothes or hair for weeks at a time.
|
|
Eddie Vedder is a millionaire, and he owes it all to your stupidity. You are
|
|
all fucking insignificant feeble-minded worms. You can't get a real job
|
|
because you have paid money to look like shit, and now that you have become
|
|
shit there's no turning back. You can only hope to get a shit job. Serves you
|
|
right.
|
|
|
|
Useful chart of employment you can consider:
|
|
|
|
Studied in school... But don't want to be... Try being...
|
|
|
|
English English teacher Bookmobile driver
|
|
History Historian/History teacher 7-11 cashier
|
|
Philosophy Homeless Waiter at Denny's
|
|
Anthropology Drug dealer Piggly Wiggly produce guy
|
|
Music Musician "Alternative" musician
|
|
Theater Actor Performance artist
|
|
CompSci Unemployed hacker Security consultant
|
|
|
|
You get the idea.
|
|
|
|
There are also jobs that will actually let you take advantage of your
|
|
repulsive looks. For example: alternative music stores, tattoo parlors, and
|
|
clubs. Aside from being a bouncer or bartender, you can actually get work as
|
|
a club-goer. Places desperate to maintain a certain image will hire freaks
|
|
such as yourself to show up every night and add to the ambiance. The only
|
|
problem is that they know you would gladly pay to go the club, so you have to
|
|
trick them into thinking that you don't always look like that. They want a
|
|
normal person who is out looking to make a few bucks ripping off the freaks.
|
|
Most likely you are too stupid to pull this off, and will continue to pay for
|
|
something that should be free. Poor fool. If only you had taken your anger
|
|
out on something other than your skin.
|
|
|
|
You can become a street musician. Being a street musician is easy. Just
|
|
go somewhere where lots of people waste time. You can actually make some money
|
|
this way. Here is a pointer for you. Don't play the music that inspired you
|
|
to draw a Yahtzee board on your forehead. The idiots who like that music do
|
|
not have any money, just like you! Take a look at the 30-40ish professionals
|
|
in yuppie gear holding hands walking by you. See, they had rebellion in their
|
|
music when they were kids, but they also had some common sense. And now they
|
|
have money, while you have a marble in your penis. You know what kind of music
|
|
they like? Music that makes them remember when they were spry young hippies on
|
|
their way to yuppie-hood. Play Bob Dylan, The Beatles, Cat Stevens, Don
|
|
McLean, James Taylor, etc. If you have long hair and look cute, you can't
|
|
miss. Oh, and don't get me wrong. Those people suck too. But they have
|
|
money.
|
|
|
|
If you want to get your anger out, start a textfile group. Writing
|
|
textfiles requires minimal talent, is free, and doesn't scar you for life.
|
|
That is, except for that nasty Australian whore who read one of my Usenet posts
|
|
and said she "would never hire you, so don't even bother to apply." Big deal.
|
|
Saggy-titted kangaroo fuckers don't scare me. I write for cDc.
|
|
|
|
---> The Revolution Will Not Be Televised. <--
|
|
|
|
All of this is not to say that you shouldn't try to rebel against this
|
|
shithole world we are forced to live in. You must learn to do it in such a
|
|
way that lets you keep the benefits of a civilization while maintaining your
|
|
free will and pride, if you have any left after a lifetime of being raped up
|
|
the ass by MTV's oozing lumpy 12-inch. John Lydon (Johnny Rotten) looks
|
|
relatively normal today, yet he has spent his whole life shitting in the face
|
|
of teen-exploiting commercial rock music. Do you want to be like him, or do
|
|
you want to burn out and die in a pool of your own puke the way Sid Vicious
|
|
did? Stupid fuck. You just don't get it. It's the punk ethic, not the punk
|
|
uniform. You toothless gravy-drooling moron. You're not fucking worth my
|
|
time.
|
|
.-. _ _ .-.
|
|
/ \ .-. ((___)) .-. / \
|
|
/ \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ / \
|
|
-/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\ /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\-
|
|
/ \ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ / \
|
|
WORLDWIDE \ / `-' (U) `-' \ / WORLDWIDE
|
|
`-' .ooM `-' _
|
|
Oooo / ) __
|
|
/)(\ ( \ Copyright (c)1996 cDc communications. / ( / \
|
|
\__/ ) / All rights reserved. Award-winning CULT OF THE DEAD COW \ ) \)(/
|
|
(_/ is published by cDc communications, P.O. Box 53011, oooO _
|
|
oooO Lubbock, TX, 79453, US of A. Edited by Swamp Ratte'. __ ( \
|
|
/ ) /)(\ / \ ) \
|
|
\ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( /
|
|
\_) "THE COW WALKS AMONGST US" Oooo
|
|
|