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98 lines
4.6 KiB
Plaintext
98 lines
4.6 KiB
Plaintext
______________________________________________________________________________
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1 1 t h H H OO U U RRRRR
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11 11 ttt h H H O O U U R R
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1 1 1 1 t hhh H H O O U U R R
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1 1 t h h H H O O U U R R
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1 1 tt h h HHHHH O O U U RRRRR
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1 1 H H O O U U R R
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1 1 H H O O U U R R
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1 1 H H O O U U R R
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11111 11111 H H OO UUU R R
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P R O D U C T I O N S
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Presents...
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______________________________________________________________________________
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---------------------------------------------------
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How to get Free Cable
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by
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Doktor B0lliX N. Makari
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---------------------------------------------------
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Eleventh Hour Publishing
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It's late at night, the lights are out and the dull white and black static
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of the television dances on the screen. Phredd sits and grimly watches the
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meaningless, squiggling patterns. This is the channel where Cinemax *should*
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be, but due to Phredd's thin and worn wallet, he must do with white noise.
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Later in the month, Phredd stays home from work and ignores his lithe,
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attractive girlfriend's pleas. He rushes to the television, leaving a
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spiralling trail of popcorn and cookie crumbs behind him. He is ready for the
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most incredible adventure of the year... his short period of *free* Cinemax,
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Disney Channel, HBO and The Movie Channel! He sits on the edge of his seat,
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watching Dumbo and Stallone... and when the week-end is over, he is reduced to
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a red-eyed static zombie once more.
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"Aha," you murmur, "This sad tale of woe has been repeated many times
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over, and as I am neither rich nor an electronics genius, I cannot get free
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cable pay channels like HBO." But let us go back to poor Phredd's predicament.
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His nerves are frayed, as poor Phredd knows that tonight is his last night of
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movie enjoyment. Then, from the clinging shadows of night, Doktor Bollix steps
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forth and tips his black hat.
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Phredd stumbles backwards and gasps in amazement, "I th-thought I locked
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the door!"
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"I entered via the window, eh wot?" Bollix mumbles, some sort of gummi
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candy peering from between his lips. Bollix stands beside Phredd's cable box
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after a few quick strides, and roughly yanks the lovingly attached cable in the
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back, plucking it free.
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"Aiiieeee! Schwarzenegger is gone! What have you done???" Phredd springs
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from the sofa, bruising his fragile skull and damaging the ceiling. "My cable!
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My life!" Moans Phredd.
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"Shut up and listen. When the cable company computers decide to give you a
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channel for free, they send a code to you via your cable, switching the channel
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'on'. Thus it remains for a given duration, and when the time's up...."
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"No more Cinemax... <weep>"
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Bollix leans against a plant, "When time's up, they send another signal to
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your box, shutting the channel 'off'. However, if your cable box is
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disconnected for a few days, the 'off' signal never reaches it and the channel
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remains 'on'!" Bollix smiles. "And you don't pay a thing."
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Phredd's bleary eyes gaze upwards in wonder at Bollix. "Y-y-you mean... I
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get the Disney Channel, FOR FREE??" Bollix nods with a grin. "Wow! I shall
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never be sad again! no more late-night eyestrain! I can't believe it... "
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"Keep calm, Phredd."
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"How can I ever repay you?" a vibrant Phredd asks.
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"Just spread the word of "Bob". You just received a major imbuement of
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slack. Enjoy." Bollix wriggled back out the window, and disappeared with a
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faint "Praise Dobbs" echoing in the distance. And Phredd leaned back in his
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chair, relaxed and confident and watched the blank screen of the television as
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he waited for morining. A new morning in his new world of cable. Free cable.
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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A B0lliX spiel -- 5/24/91
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Hail to Tamara. Enjoy Manhattan, and send me a card from Belgium when you go
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home! Greets to Aldebaran, who has no cable, and Lester who has it all, thanks
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to a properly placed paper-clip. (And yer father's a *cop*??)
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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(C) 1991 by Janitor Brand & The Eleventh Hour
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All Rights Curiously Examined And Contemplated
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"The Purple Duck Flies South at Noon"
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Call these fine boards:
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The Janitor's Closet - (617) 69X-XXXX
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The Works - (617) 861-8976
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