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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-      DOCUMENTING   USELESS   PROGRAMS       -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
                                   By:  Scoop

Since the beginning of computers,  it has become a well established fact that
many programs need documentation.  Any idiot can sit down with a well written
program and run it without an instruction manual.  It takes a bloody Rocket
Scientist to understand a program that has no menus or help screens.  People
who are able to do this never cease to amaze me.

The programs that have the menus and built-in help screens are usually the same
ones that have the largest and most complete owner's manuals.  Between the help
files built into the program, and the book that came with the program,  you now
have the proverbial over-kill of documentation.

Now come the games that have and need no documentation like Test Drive or the
old standard Break-Out.  A moron knows how to steer a tricycle so Test Drive
is of no particular challenge.  Break-Out can be figured out while you pick
your nose (or seat) with one hand,  and diddle your joystick with your other.
This brings me to another interesting theory that I have formulated about the
computer masterbater who decided on the name "Joystick".  He probably devised
that clever little name while he was in the bathroom,  with the door locked.

The secret to becoming a successful Program Document Specialist is to write the
documents for programs that have no value or need for explanation.  This secret
has been kept from the public for many years due to a fiendish plot by IBM and
Ronco Toys.  Ronco was the original brain behind the K-Tel marketing strategy
of writing intricate and often difficult programs for the user.  This left the
user in a state of frenzy and prompted him to spend many extra dollars in book
stores buying a book written by someone with as little intelligence as you, in
order to better understand the worthless software that he now possessed.

There is BIG money in being able to put onto paper the words that describe a
method of being able to properly get the most out of a software program.  The
average Document Specialist will write a 400 page book about how to use Lotus
123 or Multi-Mate word processor.  It takes a special person to be able to
put into typed words,  many pages of useless or stupid programs.  To get your
feet wet at this technique,  you may want to start off with a 10 or 20 page
document on  "How to Properly Turn On Your Computer."  If you can handle that,
next try  "How to Properly Turn Off Your Computer".

Your final step is to find an extremely simple program that you currently own.
Run it a few times to make sure that you understand all about it.  You are now
ready to document it.  Make sure that it is as simple as simple can be.  First
choose a name for your document.  Let's say that you are documenting PAC MAN.
Choose title  something like  "The Complete Instructions and Full Documents for
The Understanding and The Playing of PAC MAN"   A title like that, it sounds
very official!

When writing your document,  it is extremely important for you to keep in mind
that the mushballs who will be trying to read and understand your documentation
will be suffering from "diminished thinking".  Most of them will have had great
difficulty graduating from a dog obedience school!  Keep your Docs VERY simple,
and do not omit the smallest step.  Follow this informative guideline:


             "The Complete Instructions and Full Documents for
               The Understanding and The Playing of PACK MAN"

                   By:  Rudy Razzelem  &  David Dazzelem


Step 1:  Carefully turn on your computer.  If you encounter a problem,  first
         check to make sure that it is plugged in.  If you still are having a
         problem,  turn on a light or any other electrical appliance in your
         house (or apartment if applicable) and see if the electric company
         has turned off your power for non-payment.  This problem usually is
         found in households where people have over-spent on computers and the
         software needed to support their new habit.

Step 2:  Locate where you have put your PAC MAN game.  If it is on your Hard
         Drive, go to the directory where the program resides.  If you keep it
         on a floppy disk, locate that disk.  Once you have located the proper
         disk, insert it into your floppy disk drive.

         IMPORTANT NOTE!  Only one disk at a time may be inserted into a floppy
         drive!  If there is currently a disk in the drive, you must first make
         sure that you remove it BEFORE the next disk is inserted!
         Carefully look at the disk before you insert it into the drive. Make
         sure that the BIG hole in the disk is going in first, and that the
         disk is right side up.  Failure to do so can result in the permanent
         damage to your floppy drive!  Permanent damage to your floppy drive
         can result in the damage other disks,  and those damaged disks can
         damage other good floppy drives.

Step 3:  After inserting the proper disk,  close the drive door and type the
         word  DIR  on your keyboard.  This will produce a menu of the files
         that are on that disk.  Carefully look for files that have extensions
         that end with  .BAT  .COM  .EXE   These files will start the game for
         you.  The file named "PAC-MAN.BAT" would be preferred over the file
         "PAC-MAN.COM"  or  "PAC-MAN.EXE".  TYPE  PAC-MAN.BAT  and press your
         ENTER/RETURN key to start the game.  Please note that it says to PRESS
         the key.  It does not say HIT, BANG or PUNCH !!!  A keyboard has many
         delicate switches and should not be abused.

Step 4:  Once PAC-MAN has started,  simply move the man on the screen around
         with the keys or your joystick and try to accumulate as many points as
         possible.  Remember that this is only a game and if you encounter an
         unusual level of frustration, shut off your computer,  and immediately
         contact your Psychiatrist about your situation.

By now you should totally understand how to document programs that do not need
documenting.  You are now ready to enter the fashionable and lucrative career
field of program documenting.

Editors FINAL Note:  If think that this article is useless and/or stupid,  then
keep this in mind;  You are the moron who just wasted your time reading it!
If you enjoyed this article,  look for our next informative articles entitled:
"How to PARTY With Those Wild And Crazy Amish People",  and the ever popular
"The Handbook For The Recently Divorced Wife".