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141 lines
4.5 KiB
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From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
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Flags: 000000000001
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From: harkin%hpindda@hplabs.hp.com (Art Harkin)
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Subject: Comedy Day Celebration Jokes
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Keywords: laugh
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Date: 19 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
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Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the event.
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Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in
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San Francisco. For those who plan WAY in advance, next year's
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Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).
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These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day:
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Michael McShane
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---------------
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I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent
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them two hammers and a toilet seat.
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I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
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Sue Murphy
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----------
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Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
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that's how dogs spend their lives.
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My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
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Fred Reuss
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----------
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I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
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Great song.
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Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.
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Jake Johansen
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-------------
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A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
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"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied
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in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
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have to kill you too."
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Buzz Belmondo
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-------------
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It gives me great pleasure to introduce this next comedian. But before
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I give myself great pleasure....
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Lank and Earl
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-------------
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Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
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Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
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Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
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20,000 women.
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Bruce Baum
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----------
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I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
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globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm way too high."
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Mark Pitta
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----------
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I like to sing to the songs on the radio in my car. When you go into
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a tunnel, it's hard to come out on the right note. Actually, the news is
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more difficult.
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I like to go to concerts that are related, like Talking Heads with
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Simple Minds. I also rent videos together too. Last week I rented
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"Bambi" and "The Deerhunter."
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Mark Guido
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----------
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Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
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had towels from my house.
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I play golf even though I hate it. I'm not done with a game yet.
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I hate those windmills.
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Steve Kravitz
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-------------
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How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?! What's the deal on those anyway?
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You can sleep in the back while you're waiting for a tow truck.
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Jim Samuels
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-----------
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I don't have a problem with San Francisco parking. I drive a forklift.
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This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My mom says I don't
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have to sit at the card table.
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Last Halloween was bad for me. I got real beat up. I went to a
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party dressed as a Pinata.
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Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for
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70 mph.
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Al Clethen
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----------
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In Los Angeles, McDonalds quickly reacted to the highway shootings.
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They came out with 'Happy To Be Alive Meals.' LA is a real strange
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place. Even the Chinese Drivers honk me for driving too slow.
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Kevin Rooney
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------------
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I have one of those real old American built cars. The kind that
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just PUNCHES through accidents.
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John ?????
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----------
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You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend
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called me at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the
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bathroom. "It's very simple," I said. "You start by filling up the
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bathtub with water..."
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Michael Prichard
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----------------
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I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
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a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
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Authors Unknown, but still funny
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-------------------------------
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There are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, so drive as fast
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as you can. It's harder for drunk people to hit you.
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Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest
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people to talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic
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minority, crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the
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women who love them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
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You're a great crowd. No, you're not a crowd, you're a mob.
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--
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.
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If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
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because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
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