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1219 lines
51 KiB
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1219 lines
51 KiB
Plaintext
TOP TEN REASONS TO BE A CS MAJOR
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--- --- ------- -- -- - -- -----
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10. Professors' names are more fun to announce.
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9. Open book tests (even though the books don't help at all)
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8. The babes, man, the babes!
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7. Because entry-level programmers make so much money.
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6. Always wanted to write the Great American Payroll program.
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5. You get to wear those nifty pocket protectors.
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4. Who doesn't catch wood at the thought of writing an ISR?
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3. EVERYBODY knows that the REALLY cool guys hang out in the VAX lab.
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2. You'll be able to get all the good beaver shot .GIF's before anybody else
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and the number one reason for being a CS major:
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1. If you flunk out, you can always change your major to MIS.
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There was once this Aggie who was doing research on various plant
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life. So he goes out to a ranch and asks the old rancher if he
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could get some milkweed from out of the pasture. The old man
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asks, "What are you going to do with milkweed?"
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The aggie says, "I'm going to make milk from the milkweed."
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The old man says, "Boy, you can't make milk from a milkweed!"
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And the aggie replies, "I have this new technique to make milk
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from milkweed and it will work."
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The old man says, "Go ahead" and the aggie gets his milkweed.
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The next day the aggie goes back to the rancher and tells him that
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he got a gallon of milk from one plant and asks him if he could
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get some honeysuckle. Again, the old rancher asks, "What are you
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going to do with honeysuckle?"
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The aggie says, "I'm going to make honey from the honeysuckle."
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The old man says, "Boy, you can't make honey from honeysuckle!"
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The aggie tells the rancher about his technique and the rancher allows
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him to get the honeysuckle.
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The next day the aggie comes back and tells the rancher that he got
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a quart of honey from the honeysuckle. The rancher was
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astonished.
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So, the aggie asked if he could get some pussywillow
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and the rancher said, "Hold on there, boy! Let me get my hat!"
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What was Anita Hill's greatest fear during the hearings?
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A hung jury.
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ANSWERING MESSAGES to LEAVE
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A couple of other ones that I've used or heard of. They're most effective
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when you call the victim's office and leave the message with a secretary.
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Word does have a way of getting around..
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- "This is Officer Donaldson of the Virginia Highway Patrol regarding
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the hit and run accident that he was involved in. Please tell him
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to turn himself in, we know who he is."
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- "This is Bill from Jones Trucking. We're trying to find <the victim>
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to tell him that we, uh, unfortunately, backed one of our trucks
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over the top of his car and, uh, pretty much totalled it."
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- "This is Mike from Jones Trucking. We're trying to deliver this
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shipment of small animals to <the victim>. They're all crowded up
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in this cage and they don't have any water or food. I know I'm not
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supposed to say things like this, but I can't imagine anyone treating
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animals that way."
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- "This is Igor from the Soviet Embassy calling about the package
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he left us."
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- "This is Doctor Smith from St. Elizabeths (a local psychiatric hospital)
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Outpatient Clinic. Could you ask <the victim> to call us regarding
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the session he missed."
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My daughter Louise says: (nwod esion taht nruT) If the religious fundies
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are so worried about (trohs oot si triks tahT) satanic backward masked
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messages being inserted into pop records, why (moor ruoy ydiT) don't
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they make up their own books, pop records, television programmes
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(kcolc'o net erofeb ereh kcab eB) and Usenet jokes and put their own
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backward (dehsinif krowemoh ruoy teG) masked messages into them?
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MANY REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
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A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
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A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
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A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
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A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
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A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
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A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
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A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
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Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
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A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
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If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
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A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
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A beer doesn't sulk.
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A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
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A beer won't switch the TV channel.
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A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
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A beer doesn't snore.
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A beer can't interrupt.
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A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburetor.
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A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
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A beer doesn't belch. Or fart.
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A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
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A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
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A good beer is easy to find.
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A beer can't pout.
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A beer doesn't have a mother.
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A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
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A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
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A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
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A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
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A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
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A beer doesn't want children.
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A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
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A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
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If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
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Hangovers go away.
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A beer tastes good.
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Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
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A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
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A beer's life does not revolve around the football.
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A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
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A beer never needs a shave.
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You don't have to let a beer win.
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A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
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Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you
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have to sleep with a beer too.
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A beer doesn't have morning breath.
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A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
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A beer will never drink the last beer.
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A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
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When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
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A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
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A beer is never temperamental.
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A beer will never complain about your cooking.
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A cold beer is a good beer.
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A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
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A big, fat beer is nice to have.
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A beer won't steal the covers.
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You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
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A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
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What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery (sic) on a blonde?
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"Space. The final frontier."
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Locked: 50 yards to the next outhouse
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- written by Kenny du Witt
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illustrated by Betty Kent
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"Toll's Toy" by Warren Pees
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Not Welcome - written by Isadore O'Penn
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illustrated by Doris Locht
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Trail in the sand by Peter Draggon
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The open kimono by Seemore Hair
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Despite the fanfare of yesterday's new technology announcement, ButtPrint
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Technologies must now regretfully inform our customers of an unforeseen
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security vulnerability in our ButtPrint I Computer User Authorization
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System, and ButtPrint II Coinless Pay Toilet.
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I. Description
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A security vulnerability exists in ButtPrint authorization systems
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that can be used to gain other users' privileges. The vulnerability
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is present in market areas with wide availability of identical mass
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produced designer blue jeans, etc.
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II. Impact
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ButtPrint I: Any user can gain system administrator privileges.
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ButtPrint II: Any user can obtain washroom privileges without charge.
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III. Solution
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Require user to disrobe authorization surface area before beginning
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authorization sequence.
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ButtPrint Technologies wishes to acknowledge that the above solution will
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be difficult for our ButtPrint I customers to implement at the present time
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due to social factors in many market regions concerning proper behavior in
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the workplace. Though the ButtPrint II would appear on the surface to
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naturally present less of a problem, we recognize that today's corporations
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may find it non productive in terms of public relations to implement video
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cameras in the more sensitive portions of washrooms that would be necessary
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to ensure 100% prevention of authorization misuse. Therefore we must
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regretfully announce the discontinuation of the ButtPrint I and II.
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As an afterthought, ButtPrint would like to point out that the root cause
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of ButtPrint's short lifespan in the marketplace is governments that place
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a lower priority on computer security and allowing small technology
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companies to gain a foothold in the market, such as ButtPrint, and a higher
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priority on allowing unrestricted availability of cheap identical mass
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produced designer blue jeans, at the expense of startup technology
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companies that could keep that country ahead of competition from abroad.
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Free Nelson Mandela... in every box of cornflakes.
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Black Power... it's cheaper than electricity.
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Q: Why do cats raise their tails when you stroke their backs?
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A: To let you know you've reached the end of the cat.
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Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
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A: None, just remove the rights of everybody allowed to go into the room.
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Q: How many users does it take to change a light bulb?
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A: All of them, to whine at the sysadmin in unison.
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------------------------------------------------------------------
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Lesser Languages The Copier Circuit
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Basic, Fortran, Cobol : These programming languages are well known and (more
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or less) well loved throughout the computer industry. There are numerous other
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languages, however, that are less well known that still have ardent devotees.
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In fact, these little-known languages generally have the most fanatic admirers.
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For those who wish to know more about these obscure languages and why they are
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obscure I present the following catalog.
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SIMPLE : SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
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Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
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Technical Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors
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in it. The statements are, therefore confined to BEGIN, END, and STOP. No
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matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error.
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Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of
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programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of
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testing and debugging.
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SLOBOL : SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
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Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
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SLOBOL compilers allow you to take a trip to Bolivia to pick up the coffee.
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Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their
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terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL
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programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
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VALGOL : (With special thanks to Dan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau) From its
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modest beginnings in southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is
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enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. VALGOL commands
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include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y$KNOW. Variables are assigned with the =LIKE
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and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS",
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FERSURE, and NOWAY. Repetions of code are handle in FOR-SURE loops. Here is
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a sample VALGOL program:
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14 LIKE, Y$KNOW (I MEAN) START
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%% IF
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PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND
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01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND
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9C =LIKE GRODY^MAX
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4K (FERSURE)^2
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18 THEN
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4I FOR I= LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100
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86 DO WAH + (DITTY^2)
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9 BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
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-17 SURE
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1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
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? REALLY
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$$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y$KNOW)
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VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when
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the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message GAG ME
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WITH A SPOON.
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LAIDBACK : Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which was
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developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness
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and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere in
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nearby Silicon Valley. The center was ideal for programmmers who liked to
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soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could
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survive there for long, since the center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor
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of bean curd and Perrier. Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its
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reputation as a gentle and nonthreatening language. For Example, LAIDBACK
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responded to syntax errors with the message, SORRY MAN, I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.
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SARTRE Named after the late existenitial philosopher. SARTRE is an
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extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they
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just are there. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own
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functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are no
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fun at parties.
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FIFTH : FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
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refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
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FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM, and BLOTTO. Commands
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refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERBET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
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VODKA, SCOTCH and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language
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reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the
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ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITTE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect
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include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH
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programmers who end up using the language.
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C- : This language was named for the grade recieved by its creator when he
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submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best
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described as a "Low-Level" programming language. In fact, the language
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generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
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a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
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LITHP : This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence
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of an "s" in its character set. Programmers and users must substitute "TH".
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LITHP is said to be utheful in proceththing littth.
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DOGO : Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training. DOGO
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heralds a new era of computer-literates. DOGO commands include SIT, STAY,
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HEEL and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "PUPPY GRAPHICS", in
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which a small cocker spaniel occasionally leaves a deposit as he travels
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across the screen.
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NEW PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT: 'C' Language Regression Package
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Antiquity Spoffware Solutions
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Announces
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C-- Void Oriented Programming
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Antiquity Spoffware Solutions is proud to announce its latest
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fully integrated software package for C programmers. C Programmers
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for years now have been frustrated with a myriad of functions
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designed for almost sickening efficiency and control. Any programmer
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knows that a language so flexible has its drawbacks: Universality.
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C-- combines all the power of BASIC, the readability of COBOL, and the
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wealth of string and graphics functions associated with FORTRAN.
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C-- does away with floats and doubles, chars and ints and
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manipulates data entirely in LONG integer form (for portability.)
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Here are some examples:
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/* This program generates an integer-oriented
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#include <cmm.h>
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#LOADREGULARCLIBRARYFUNCTION (STDIO.H)
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MAIN *OPENCURLYBRACKETPOINTINGLEFT
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PRINTFORMATTEDOUTPUT ( "DEMONSTRATION OF C-- FUNCTIONS" ) SEMICOL
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LET THENUMBER A EQUAL 10 SEMICOLON
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LET THENUMBER B EQUAL 20 SEMICOLON
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IF A .LT. B THEN DO SINGLEFUNCTION
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PRINTFORMATTEDOUTPUT( NUMBER, STRING, A, "IS SMALLEST" )
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SEMICOLON
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OTHERWISE
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IF B .LT. B THEN DO SINGLEFUNCTION
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PRINTFORMATTEDOUTPUT( NUMBER, STRING, B "IS SMALLEST" )
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SEMICOLON
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OTHERWISE
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DO NOTHING SEMICOLON
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*CLOSECURLYBRACKETPOINTINGRIGHT
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The above source, as you may have noticed, is not just a demonstration
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of the ASS software team's life-long persistance in the generation of
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efficient, compact, (and most of all) READABLE software.
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The tried and true principles behind line-buffered input are sure to
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delight the seasoned programmer. C-- is sure to invoke images of
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keypunches and card readers and leave you happily chugging away at
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keyboard.
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How to program in "C"
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---------------------
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1] Use lots of global variables.
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2] Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace.
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3] Put everything in one large .h file.
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4] Implement the entire project at once.
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5] Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal.
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6] Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you didn't
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quite understand.
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"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"
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How to debug a "C" program.
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---------------------------
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1] If at all possible, don't. Let someone else do it.
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2] Change majors.
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3] Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and excecute.
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4] Throw holy water on the terminal.
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5] Dial 911 and scream.
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6] There is rumour that "printf" is useful, but this is probably unfounded.
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7] Port everything to CP/M.
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8] If it still doesn't work, re-write it in assembler. This won't fix the
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bug, but it will make sure no one else finds it and makes you look bad.
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How to debug a 'C' program - addendum
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-------------------------------------
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1] Since you got it to compile, the problem must be in the Other Guys Code.
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2] If it's all your code then the problem *MUST* be in those unreliable
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Standard Libraries. See '1.' in the previous section.
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3] Claim the bug reports are viscious lies meant to tarnish your sterling
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reputation as a 'C' programmer (well aren't they?). After all, those who
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wrote the reports couldn't even *read* your code. How could they possibly
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know if there was a bug or not?
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3.a] If they could read your code, review "How to program in 'C'", above.
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4] Claim that there wouldn't be a problem if this stingy
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Company/School/Wife/etc would spring for a copy of C++.
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If you still have a Job/Degree objective/Wife/Mind/etc after utilizing the
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above rules then you simply aren't trying hard enough.
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--------------------------------------------------------------
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propagation delay: gestation period
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rise time: interval between pay increases
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flip-flop: unpopular reverse side of hit record
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exclusive-OR: mistress
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lookahead adder: farsighted snake
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decade counter: the grim reaper
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automatic gain control: wage and price regulations
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balanced modulator: mezzo-soprano on a tightrope
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line receiver: victim of fraud
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line driver: perpetrator of fraud
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dynamic RAM: a lothario of the pasture
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sync period: boat warranty time
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hex inverter: device for witch countermeasures
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multiplexer: situation causing many worries
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one-shot: unreliable weapon
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rectifier: ombudsman
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jump instruction: order to paratrooper
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load resistor: teetotaller
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plan position indicator: Kama Sutra
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relaxation oscillator: vibra-bed
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UART: thou are
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I/O bus: seven dwarfs' transportation
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heat shrink: tropical psychiatrist
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PROM: high school dance
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parity bit: union bargaining gimmick
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p-type junction: crossroads with comfort station
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two bit latch: cheap lock
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integrated circuit: nonrace track
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discrete device: little white lie
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transient suppression: anti-vagrancy law
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square wave: conventional hair style
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four terminal network: small railway company
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low pass: indecent proposition
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disk crash: UFO accident
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hex code: witchcraft standards
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push-down stack: a romp in the hay
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floppy disk: tired UFO
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binary loader: double Scotch
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core dump: orchard compost heap
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indirect addressing: post office box
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memory management: brainwashing
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common collector: ordinary garbage man
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log amplifier: tree fertilizer
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full duplex: overcrowded tenement
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power connection: friend in high places
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power switch: change in government
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delayed trigger: loser in gunfight
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monostable: for one horse
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twisted pair: the odd couple
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stripline: queue outside The Condor
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antenna coupling: insect foreplay
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screwdriver adjustment: additional vodka
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long term drift: Kon-Tiki expedition
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burn-in: pyromaniac convention
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||
output impedance: work stoppage
|
||
megahertz: large car rental company
|
||
dedicated computer: loyal accountant
|
||
base drive: primitive motivation
|
||
transformer: successful evangelist
|
||
pulse delay: cardiac arrest
|
||
Johnson counter: Howard's cafeteria
|
||
current mode logic: contemporary fad in mathematics
|
||
phase lock: frozen expression
|
||
delay line: debtor's story
|
||
semiconductor: part time railwayman
|
||
disk drive: slap shot
|
||
subroutine: undersea maneuvers
|
||
baud rates: libertine fee schedule
|
||
CMOS: undersea vegetation
|
||
bonding wire: cheap wedding ring
|
||
battery charger: assault case prosecutor
|
||
slip ring: counterfeit negligee organization
|
||
standard cell: ordinary prison accomodation
|
||
vidicon: TV commercial
|
||
data extractor: census taker
|
||
banana plug: fruit marketing board advertisement
|
||
crimp termination: death by strangulation
|
||
truth table: torture rack
|
||
|
||
Confucius say:
|
||
Man who go to bed with sex on mind
|
||
Wakes with solution in hand.
|
||
|
||
Confucious Say:
|
||
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Confucius say "Man who run behind car get exhausted."
|
||
|
||
Confucius say "Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts".
|
||
|
||
Confucious Say: He who pull out to fast leave rubber behind.
|
||
|
||
Confucius say:
|
||
Man with hands in pockets feel foolish,
|
||
Man with hole in pocket feel nuts.
|
||
|
||
Q) What do pretty female country singers and children below 12 have in
|
||
common ?
|
||
A) They should be seen but not heard !!!!!!!!
|
||
Country Song Names:
|
||
"How can I get you off my mind, when you won't get off my face."
|
||
"Something's wrong, 'cause I'm drunk, and you're still ugly."
|
||
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'
|
||
by Richard Lederer
|
||
|
||
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
|
||
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with
|
||
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
|
||
courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every
|
||
statement made during the proceedings.
|
||
|
||
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
|
||
A. By death.
|
||
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
|
||
|
||
Q. What is your name?
|
||
A. Ernestine McDowell.
|
||
Q. And what is your marital status?
|
||
A. Fair.
|
||
|
||
Q. Are you married?
|
||
A. No, I'm divorced.
|
||
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
|
||
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
|
||
|
||
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
|
||
A. I will be three months November 8th.
|
||
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
|
||
A. Yes.
|
||
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
|
||
|
||
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
|
||
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
|
||
|
||
Q. What happened then?
|
||
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
|
||
identify me."
|
||
Q. Did he kill you?
|
||
A. No.
|
||
|
||
|
||
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
|
||
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
|
||
|
||
Q. You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
|
||
and you didn't scream?
|
||
A. No ma'am.
|
||
Q. Does that mean you consented?
|
||
A. No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
|
||
|
||
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
|
||
A. No.
|
||
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
|
||
A. Picking them up in the air.
|
||
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
|
||
A. Attached to the ears.
|
||
|
||
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
|
||
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not
|
||
to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she,
|
||
with him to the station?
|
||
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
|
||
-----------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
How do you make a dead baby sink?
|
||
Hollow it out and put on faucets.
|
||
|
||
What is the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
|
||
It's hard to bounce on a dead baby.
|
||
|
||
What's the difference between a dead baby and a motorcycle?
|
||
Ever try to pop a wheelie on a dead baby?
|
||
|
||
What's one of the delicacies in the Jeff Dahmer restaurant?
|
||
Glazed dead baby under glass.
|
||
|
||
What's served in the Jeff Dahmer road side diner?
|
||
Chipped dead baby on toast.
|
||
|
||
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and
|
||
red?
|
||
A nun falling down the stairs. (Not a dead baby joke, but sick none
|
||
the less.)
|
||
|
||
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
DRIVING TIPS
|
||
|
||
If the vehicle in front is signalling to turn, the only thing to be certain
|
||
of is that its indicators are functional.
|
||
|
||
Ignore all hand signals. They are merely establishing whether or not it is
|
||
raining.
|
||
|
||
The car in front must be overtaken at all costs.
|
||
|
||
Traffic lights are mere street decorations
|
||
|
||
Parking areas are demarcated by bright yellow lines at the side of the road
|
||
|
||
When you see a STOP CHILDREN CROSSING sign, this means you must prevent as
|
||
many as possible from doing so
|
||
|
||
If you are driving a company car and you hear an expensive noise coming
|
||
from the engine, turn the radio up until it dissapears.
|
||
|
||
If you get stopped by the police for drunken driving, say to the officer:
|
||
"Thank God for that - I thought my steering had gone"
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
WASHINGTON, D.C. (UPIX)
|
||
|
||
As the senate confirmation hearings on Supreme Court nominee Clarence C.
|
||
Thomas drew to a close, a startling revelation was made. Not only did
|
||
Mr. Thomas discuss a pornographic movie star named Long Dong Silver, he in
|
||
fact IS Long Dong Silver.
|
||
|
||
The discovery was made by Senator Edward (Ted) Kennedy in the senate men's
|
||
room. "He's been giving us a difficult time in there," said Senator Kennedy
|
||
at a press conference this afternoon. "I wanted him to know who's was
|
||
bigger. Boy was I surprised when I peeked over the stall."
|
||
|
||
While Mr. Thomas has admitted to being the porno movie star, he continues to
|
||
deny all charges of sexual harrassment. "I was required to shave my genitals
|
||
during filming," Thomas said, "so I was very sensitive about pubic hair jokes.
|
||
I would not have made that comment about the hair in the drink."
|
||
|
||
There have been rumors that this story was actually a last-ditch attempt to
|
||
distract attention away from the harrassment issue. A group of women who
|
||
have been in the Kennedy compound have come forward to make their claims
|
||
public. One was heard to say, "the thought of Ted Kennedy comparing himself
|
||
to another man is ludicrous. Ted Kennedy comparing himself to a ground
|
||
squirrel would be more approrpriate."
|
||
|
||
Professor Hill was unavailable for comment. However, she was recently seen
|
||
purchasing a VCR.
|
||
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane assylum that
|
||
is reknowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods.
|
||
They begin by visiting some of the patients.
|
||
The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is
|
||
practicing ballet.
|
||
One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?"
|
||
She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of
|
||
here I can possibly join a troup and be a productive
|
||
member of society."
|
||
"Wow, that's wonderful."
|
||
The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of
|
||
books next to him.
|
||
The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?"
|
||
"I'm studying biology, chemestry, etc. So I can
|
||
enter medical school when I get out"
|
||
Room after room they witnessed the incredible success
|
||
and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally
|
||
reached a room the assylums director was reluctant to
|
||
open. Finally he was persuaded to open it.
|
||
Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.
|
||
The reaction of the psychiatrist, "My God what are you
|
||
doing?"
|
||
"I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here"
|
||
|
||
What is the difference between roast lamb and pea soup?
|
||
Anyone can roast lamb.
|
||
|
||
It was Johnny's turn for "Show & Tell". When the teacher asked him what he
|
||
brought, Johnny held up a Thermos. The teacher wasn't sure where this was
|
||
leading, but asked him why his Thermos was so special.
|
||
Well, Johnny had this story to tell..."In the Summer, you put in ice cubes &
|
||
lemonaide and it stays cold all day. In the Winter, you pour in hot soup and
|
||
it stays hot all day." After Johnny finished he had a smug look on his face.
|
||
The teacher, still not understanding asked Johnny why that was so special.
|
||
To which Johnny replied, "Think about it teach...how does it know?"
|
||
|
||
a man goes to a barber and starts lamenting about his receding hairline.
|
||
the barber, being an understanding man, says, 'you know, when you're
|
||
bald in the front, that's a sure sign that you're a thinker.'
|
||
the man feels better. then he remembers, 'hey, but i'm getting bald
|
||
on the top, too.'
|
||
the barber says, 'being bald on top means you're a lover.'
|
||
after a pause, the barber says, 'of course, if you're bald in the front
|
||
and the top, that means you think you're a lover.'
|
||
|
||
This guy goes to a school reunion. He's walking around and suddenly sees
|
||
his old roomate. He goes up to him and goes through the usual greetings.
|
||
Guy: "Hey Tom, how've you been? What are you doing now?"
|
||
Tom: "Well, I'm a professor of logic"
|
||
Guy: "What's that?"
|
||
Tom: "Let me give you an example. Do you like goldfish?"
|
||
Guy: "Yes."
|
||
Tom: "From that I can deduce that you like animals, right?"
|
||
Guy: "Yeah."
|
||
Tom: "Which means you like kids"
|
||
Guy: "Yup"
|
||
Tom: "Which means you like women, right?"
|
||
Guy: "Yes. That's cool that you can deduce all that."
|
||
The guy then sees another of his friends, Paul
|
||
Guy: "Hey Paul, guess who I just met"
|
||
Paul: "Who?"
|
||
Guy: "Tom! He's a professor of logic."
|
||
Paul: "Logic? What's that?"
|
||
Guy: "Well, let me give you an example. Do you like goldfish?"
|
||
Paul: "No."
|
||
Guy: "FAG!!!!!!!"
|
||
|
||
When I was back home in Connecticut over the weekend I read
|
||
a story in the Hartford Courant about probably the most stupid
|
||
robber in existence.
|
||
He held up a convenience store and made a clean getaway with the
|
||
cash. Unfortunately, he left his wallet on the counter.
|
||
|
||
So - this is a brief summary of Hinduism.
|
||
Once upon a time there were two sets of first cousins, the Pandavs and
|
||
the Kauravs. Their fathers, Dhritarastra and Pandu (rhymes with Gandu)
|
||
were brothers. Pandu was originally king. But he shot two deer while
|
||
they were fucking, and they cursed him to die the next time he reached
|
||
orgasm. Soon after, he died a happy man, and Dhritarastra was made king.
|
||
Dhritarastra's plan was to split the kingdom between his sons and those
|
||
of Pandu. But his eldest son, Evil Warrior, stole the Pandav's land
|
||
rights in a crooked game of Parcheesi. After wandering around the coun-
|
||
tryside for thirteen years, the Pandavs decided to get their kingdom
|
||
back. Evil Warrior refused them. Thus, there was war on the face of the
|
||
land, and God, in the form of a blue man with a frisbee and a flute,
|
||
personally participated, siding with the Pandavs, for whom he acted as
|
||
charioteer. His discourses with Arjun, the prince whose charioteer he
|
||
was, are legendary. These discourses, wherein God exhorts Arjun to slay
|
||
all his enemies (an entire battlefield of warriors) and enjoy his right-
|
||
fully earned kingdom, form the basis of the Bhagavad Gita, the holiest
|
||
book in Hinduism.
|
||
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
NEW SIMPLIFIED, PLAIN ENGLISH HOMEOWNERS POLICY-SPECIAL FORM
|
||
|
||
The ______________Insurance Company has issued this policy to ______
|
||
_________________for a period of _____ year(s) ending promptly at midnight,
|
||
standard time on ______________. Property Location: _______
|
||
________________________________. Amount of Insurance you bought:
|
||
$_________ Blanket, on your house, all the accumulated furniture and shit
|
||
inside your house, your garage (the one where you park your car, not Al's
|
||
Body Shop) and any other small building on the lot, and what it costs to live
|
||
when your house is burned down or something like that happens, for so long
|
||
as we say it's okay.
|
||
|
||
We also will defend you in court if some sonuvabitch makes a claim against
|
||
you, or pay his damages, and we'll pay the medical bills of some people who
|
||
get hurt accidentally at your place, or some other places.
|
||
|
||
(We could spell it out in detail, but you wouldn't understand one fucking word
|
||
of it anyway--shit--we had to hire ten Jew lawyers just to figure THIS out
|
||
after we wrote it).
|
||
|
||
CONDITIONS:
|
||
|
||
1. If anything happens and it looks like it's going to cost you money, call
|
||
us right away and we'll tell you if we're apt to pay for it.
|
||
|
||
2. Our agent has already told you that this is the new "ALL RISK" policy.
|
||
He was correct as far as he went, but he doesn't even know what the
|
||
fuck he's selling. So, if you have any questions, call or write to us,
|
||
not some jackoff insurance salesman.
|
||
|
||
3. Don't lie to us about what happened or how much something cost or how
|
||
godawful new it is or how it never leaked before. If you try to shit us,
|
||
we'll not only cancel this fucker so fast it'll make your head swim;
|
||
we'll pass the word around and you won't ever be able to get an
|
||
insurance policy again, short of Hong Kong Mutual. There's so much
|
||
fucking regulation, and an Insurance Commissioner who thinks he's
|
||
Jesus Christ, that we CAN'T LIE to YOU--It'd be our ass. So, don't give
|
||
us any song and dance or we'll land on your ass hard.
|
||
|
||
4. Replacement Cost: Fucking forget it! You don't need it. We'll pay what
|
||
is fair, with or without any goddam Replacement Cost Coverage. And,
|
||
we don't give a shit what your goddam neighbor's policy has on it.
|
||
|
||
5. The Amount of Insurance You Bought, listed above, is the absolute most
|
||
we will pay no matter what your house and other shit is worth or
|
||
however many people sue your ass for any one accident. So, you'd
|
||
better be goddam sure you've bought enough to cover the worst fucking
|
||
disaster you can imagine. Don't depend on your agent for this!!! If he
|
||
had any imagination, he'd find an HONEST occupation (like sucking off
|
||
sailors).
|
||
|
||
6. Don't bother us with a lot of questions about what is and isn't covered
|
||
by this insurance. We'll tell you when you need to know. If we told you
|
||
now, you'd forget it in an hour--if you ever understood it in the first
|
||
place.
|
||
|
||
7. YOUR DUTIES: (1) Pay the fucking premium and (2) Call us right away
|
||
when you think something's happened (don't try to analyze it, just call
|
||
in); that's all you gotta do. Don't try to get cute--see item (3) above
|
||
in case you forgot already (which doesn't surprise us).
|
||
|
||
8. If we think of any additional conditions, we'll let you know. By the
|
||
way, if what happens involves a vehicle, airplane or boat or has
|
||
something to do with your job--forget it! Don't call us; we couldn't
|
||
care less!
|
||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
This dead parrot is difunto
|
||
---------------------------
|
||
|
||
By John Hooper in Madrid
|
||
|
||
A question left hanging by John Cleese-- what is the value of a dead parrot?--
|
||
has finally been resolved by a Barcelona judge. His honour Antonio Nunio
|
||
de la Rosa has ruled that a dead parrot is worth 150,000 pesetas ($815).
|
||
|
||
He was awarding damages to Maria del Carmen Dotras, whose parrot (male,
|
||
green) died, passed away, turned moribund, ceased to exist, and, in short,
|
||
became defunct two years ago in the city's Vall d'Hebron hospital. Ms. Dotras,
|
||
who lives with her mother, had owned the bird for 23 years, since she was 12.
|
||
|
||
Her family doctor suspected the parrot might be the cause of an allergy
|
||
her mother had developed. He wanted it to have a blood test, and told her
|
||
it would be better done by a doctor than a vet. This proved not to be the
|
||
case.
|
||
|
||
According to Ms. Dotras, the doctors virtually suffocated the bird by
|
||
putting a towel over its head, and took out six times as much blood as they
|
||
were supposed to. Eventually, a consultant ordered it to be put out of its
|
||
misery.
|
||
|
||
Ms. Dotras put the dead bird in the freezer, to facilitate an autopsy. In
|
||
fact, the deep freezing made it impossible to determine the cause of death.
|
||
|
||
But as Judge Nunio de la Rosa observed in judgement-- passages of which might
|
||
have come from a Monty Python script: "The parrot has been deceased, and
|
||
cannot be revived." He decided the hospital authorities and the doctor
|
||
responsible should pay the sum equivalent to a new bird. He dismissed
|
||
Ms. Dotra's claim for damages of one million pesetas ($5,435). This had been
|
||
based, in part, on th argument that her parrot could talk.
|
||
|
||
Drawing a fine distinction that will be of assistance in future, similar
|
||
cases, the judge ruled that it merely "articulated sounds similar to those
|
||
of people." "If the parrot had been able to talk," he reasoned, "it would
|
||
have complained."
|
||
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
hypocrisy : complaining that there is too much sex and violence on your VCR !!
|
||
|
||
There once was a beautiful indian maiden, who was so beautiful all the
|
||
young bucks had made offers for her hand in marriage, but before she could
|
||
make up her mind which one of the young good looking you men to accept the
|
||
100 year old chief, who was the head of the entire indian nation, stepped in
|
||
and declared he wanted her for his wife. Now the young maiden was smart
|
||
enough to know that she couldn't insult this powerful man by saying no
|
||
so she decided she would try to discourage him. So she said, "Well Chief
|
||
the man that marries me will have to build me a mansion, I'm tired of
|
||
living in this teepee." Well the old chief thought about it awhile and
|
||
finally he said, "Ugh. Me build um mansion." So the young maiden did some
|
||
quick thinking and said, "Well ok, but the man who marries me will have to
|
||
buy me a limo, I'm tired of riding these ponies." The old chief thought
|
||
about it for awhile, shook his head and muttered to himself and then said,
|
||
"Ugh. Me buy um limo." Desperate now, the young maiden finally said, "Well
|
||
Chief the man that marries me must have 12 inches." Well with this
|
||
pronouncement the old chief begins to pace up and down shaking his head
|
||
and muttering loudly to himself. After about 20 minutes of this he
|
||
finally comes back to the maiden and with a BIG SIGH says, "Ugh, me cut
|
||
em off two inches!!!
|
||
|
||
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where car
|
||
drivers attempted to summarize the details of the accidents in the fewest
|
||
words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even
|
||
incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
|
||
|
||
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
|
||
have.
|
||
|
||
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
|
||
|
||
I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my head
|
||
through it.
|
||
|
||
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
|
||
|
||
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
|
||
|
||
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
|
||
|
||
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
|
||
hit him.
|
||
|
||
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and
|
||
headed over the embankment.
|
||
|
||
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
|
||
|
||
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached
|
||
an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the
|
||
other car.
|
||
|
||
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an
|
||
accident.
|
||
|
||
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint
|
||
gave way causing me to have an accident.
|
||
|
||
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where
|
||
no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the
|
||
accident.
|
||
|
||
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
|
||
|
||
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
|
||
|
||
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that
|
||
I had a fractured skull.
|
||
|
||
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road
|
||
when I struck him.
|
||
|
||
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
|
||
|
||
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my
|
||
car.
|
||
|
||
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big
|
||
mouth.
|
||
|
||
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
|
||
by some cows.
|
||
|
||
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its
|
||
way, when it struck my car.
|
||
|
||
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
|
||
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Okay, here 'tis, boys and girls. After many seconds of intense thought,
|
||
I have devised the definitive, and in fact the Official List of Silly
|
||
Newsgroups. I would like to thank the many fine folks who contributed
|
||
significantly to this list. Any additions or corrections are
|
||
appreciated; post or e-mail. Also, be sure to hold on to this list:
|
||
the Top Ten Favorite Silly Newsgroup Poll is coming soon! Now, on to
|
||
the list.
|
||
|
||
alt.biff.is.god
|
||
alt.c.is.for.cookie.that's.good.enough.for.me
|
||
alt.castration
|
||
alt.child.star.coke.coke.coke
|
||
alt.conspiracy.sean
|
||
alt.decapitation
|
||
alt.eric.olson.doesn't.exist
|
||
alt.fan.charles_manson
|
||
alt.fan.david_duke
|
||
alt.fan.ted_kaldis
|
||
alt.finns.on.irc.who.hate.americans
|
||
alt.flame.anyone.but.ted.kaldis
|
||
alt.flame.fuck.you.jack.i'm.alright
|
||
alt.fubar
|
||
alt.get.a.life
|
||
alt.he's.dead.jim
|
||
alt.hitler.is.alive.and.running.a.brothel.with.roy.orbison
|
||
alt.i.know.roger.carasso
|
||
alt.individualism.rand.is.god.and.kant.and.hegel.can.suck.my.dick
|
||
alt.mud.jason
|
||
alt.multi-level.marketing.scam.scam.scam
|
||
alt.nkotb.die.die.die
|
||
alt.nodies.conspiracy
|
||
alt.pro-wrestling.davey.boy.meltzer
|
||
alt.pyramid.scams.amway.amway.amway
|
||
alt.rap.eazy-e.threw.up.on.the.alpine.in.his.six-fo
|
||
alt.rap.yeah.boyeeeee
|
||
alt.romance.chat.barf.barf.barf
|
||
alt.romance.chat.wombat
|
||
alt.rtfm
|
||
alt.sex.bestiality.muppets
|
||
alt.sex.chairlift
|
||
alt.sex.cowpatti
|
||
alt.sex.falwell-robertson.child.pornography.inc
|
||
alt.sex.george.and.barbara
|
||
alt.sex.hey.little.girl.want.some.pez
|
||
alt.sex.june.cleaver
|
||
alt.sex.masturbation.chainsaw
|
||
alt.sex.moral.majority
|
||
alt.sex.necrophilia
|
||
alt.sex.pastry
|
||
alt.sex.pictures.polaroid
|
||
alt.sex.pressure
|
||
alt.sex.rent-a-can
|
||
alt.sex.robotics
|
||
alt.sex.twisted.coat.hanger
|
||
alt.sex.vms.no.wait.that's.fuck.vms
|
||
alt.sex.withdrawal
|
||
alt.sex.900-lines
|
||
alt.sig
|
||
alt.suicide.child.star
|
||
alt.suicide.usenet
|
||
alt.traci.lords.suck.suck.suck
|
||
alt.tv.al_sharpton
|
||
alt.wombat
|
||
comp.equipment.bonfires
|
||
comp.my.amiga.is.better.than.your.mac.nyah.nyah.nyah
|
||
comp.org.kkk
|
||
comp.os.holy-wars
|
||
comp.sys.terminal.dumb.dumb.dumb
|
||
comp.we.don't.need.no.stinking.vaxes
|
||
misc.forsale.life
|
||
misc.misc.misc.misc.misc.misc.misc.misc.misc.misc
|
||
news.lists.cowpatti.and.kent
|
||
news.masturbation
|
||
news.newusers.questions.rtfm
|
||
news.why
|
||
pdx.only.at.tom.peterson's.the.happy.place.to.buy
|
||
rec.abortion
|
||
rec.arts.culinary.spam
|
||
rec.arts.dog.shit
|
||
rec.arts.poems.jim_morrison
|
||
rec.arts.poems.vogon
|
||
rec.arts.there.had.better.be.brie.at.this.reception
|
||
rec.discrimination
|
||
rec.drugs
|
||
rec.euthanasia
|
||
rec.food.spam
|
||
rec.humor.quayle
|
||
rec.mag.hustler
|
||
rec.menstruation
|
||
rec.music.cd.cheap.cases
|
||
rec.music.debbie.gibson.is.the.antichrist
|
||
rec.music.gdead.fans.not.on.acid
|
||
rec.music.gdead.masturbation
|
||
rec.music.tiffany.still.sounds.like.shit
|
||
rec.pyromania
|
||
rec.sca.members.who.are.too.busy.playing.muds.to.read.this.group
|
||
rec.sport.baseball.it.will.be.a.cold.day.in.hell.when.pete.rose.ever.returns
|
||
rec.sport.boxing.babes
|
||
rec.sport.fan.riots
|
||
rec.sport.flatulation
|
||
rec.sport.masturbation
|
||
rec.sport.uaa.hockey.lose.lose.lose
|
||
rec.suicide
|
||
sci.burnt.styrofoam
|
||
sci.let's.bore.the.average.user.to.death
|
||
sci.masturbation
|
||
sci.med.coat.hanger.abortion
|
||
sci.med.ganja
|
||
sci.traffic.light.synchronization
|
||
sci.transportation.go.see.cal
|
||
soc.culture.bestiality
|
||
soc.culture.billionaires.living.on.the.streets
|
||
soc.culture.dykes.on.bikes
|
||
soc.culture.east.saint.louis.illinois
|
||
soc.culture.industrial.slumlords
|
||
soc.culture.inner-city
|
||
soc.culture.international.falls.minnesota
|
||
soc.culture.lifeless.net.geeks
|
||
soc.culture.motley.crue.groupies
|
||
soc.culture.northwest.territories
|
||
soc.culture.space.station
|
||
soc.culture.third.reich
|
||
soc.culture.tijuana
|
||
soc.culture.unborn.gay.whales
|
||
soc.culture.virgins
|
||
soc.feminism.castration
|
||
soc.feminism.pms
|
||
soc.motss.bestiality
|
||
soc.motss.bill.and.eric
|
||
soc.motss.jesse_helms
|
||
spam.baked.beans.are.off
|
||
spam.bloody.vikings
|
||
spam.canoe
|
||
spam.culture.spenard
|
||
spam.humor
|
||
spam.lovely.spam.wonderful.spam.spam.spam.spam
|
||
spam.spam.spam.spam.baked.beans.and.spam
|
||
spam.synthetic.vaginas
|
||
talk.abortion.twisted.coat.hanger
|
||
talk.homophobia
|
||
talk.nymphomania
|
||
talk.politics.nuke.nicaragua.now
|
||
talk.politics.supreme.court.justice.nominees.bork.bork.bork
|
||
talk.religion.bhagwan.shree.rajneesh
|
||
talk.religion.bob
|
||
talk.religion.c.programmers
|
||
talk.religion.hare.krishna
|
||
talk.religion.net.gods
|
||
talk.religion.not
|
||
talk.religion.rastafari
|
||
talk.religion.sun.myung.moon
|
||
ua.fat.ugly.native.bitches.trying.to.get.laid.on.the.vax
|
||
ua.flame.but.don't.flame.melanie.back
|
||
who.is.john.alt
|
||
***************************************************************
|
||
|
||
Why should one never date a canary?
|
||
One could get cherpes which is a canareal disease and there is no known
|
||
tweetment.
|
||
|
||
(Italian accordion music and the sound of SCUBA in background.)
|
||
If you see a big eel,
|
||
and his teeth are like steel,
|
||
That's a Moray. (A Moray!)
|
||
|
||
If he's big and he's mean
|
||
and he's slimy and green,
|
||
That's a Moray. (A Moray)
|
||
|
||
(Chorus) If he slices the hose,
|
||
and then leaves you to doze,
|
||
That's a Moray!
|
||
A Moraaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!
|
||
A Moray.
|
||
|
||
When he's fanning his gills,
|
||
Better head for the hills,
|
||
That's a Moray. (A Moray!)
|
||
|
||
From a hole in the reef,
|
||
He will bring you much grief,
|
||
That's a Moray. (A Moray!)
|
||
|
||
(Chorus) If he slices the hose,
|
||
and then leaves you to doze,
|
||
That's a Moray!
|
||
A Moraaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!
|
||
A Moray.
|
||
--
|
||
An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the
|
||
same lecture night after night. He confided this state of mind to his
|
||
chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination. The chauffeur
|
||
expressed a similar boredom in his line of work.
|
||
"I've got it!" said the astronomer. "You are bored with driving and I am
|
||
weary of lecturing. Let's exchange places for one night. It will be a
|
||
refreshing change for both of us. My lecture is all written out word for word
|
||
and nobody in the next town knows me by sight anyway." The driver agreed and
|
||
the exchange of roles and dress was made. That night the lecture hall filled
|
||
to capacity. At the appointed time those in attendance heard a flawlessly
|
||
delivered lecture. At its conclusion the lecturer basked in the euphoric
|
||
applause. Then came the question and answer period.
|
||
"Who discovered Uranus?" came from a boy in the front.
|
||
"Uh...William Herschel." He remembered that from somewhere.
|
||
"And who discovered Pluto?" continued the boy.
|
||
"Aaaa...that would be Clyde Tombaugh." He had read a little.
|
||
Then from the back: "Would you please comment on the relative merits
|
||
of the pulsation instability model and the accretion disk instability model for
|
||
the explanation of outbursts of cataclysmic variable stars?"
|
||
The speaker paused for a moment, then said, "I am surprised that you
|
||
would bother to ask me such a simple question. To show you how really simple
|
||
it is I shall have my chauffeur answer it for you."
|
||
|
||
What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbian bar?
|
||
Potpourri!
|
||
|
||
Did you hear about the dead girl who was found in a vat of milk with a
|
||
banana inserted in her anus?
|
||
Apparently, it was the work of a cereal killer.
|
||
|
||
Did you hear about the guy who was into Sadism, Necrophilia and
|
||
Bestiality?
|
||
He gave it up because it was flogging a dead horse.
|
||
|
||
What do you call a rock group with Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, Handel,
|
||
and Chopin?
|
||
The Decomposers.
|
||
|
||
-"Don't you ever call me stupid again. Now tell me you're sorry."
|
||
-"I'm sorry that you're stupid."
|
||
|
||
On the first evening of their honeymoon they are sitting on the balcony
|
||
of the hotel while the sun is setting.
|
||
-"Honey", she says,"now that we're married, will you tell me
|
||
what a penis is ?"
|
||
He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask.
|
||
So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off.
|
||
-"*This*, my love, is a penis." he told her.
|
||
-"Oh", she exclaimed, "it's like a d*ck, but much smaller."
|
||
|
||
-"I know a Girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear,
|
||
goes to bed early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time."
|
||
-"Hey, that's great."
|
||
-"Yes, I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll be five years old."
|
||
|
||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
EXCUSES ACTUALLY RECEIVED BY SCHOOLS VIA NOTES FROM HOME
|
||
(This was posted at work. I do not know the author/editor. Sorry)
|
||
|
||
* Dear school: Please excuse John from being absent on January 28, 29
|
||
30, 31, 32 and also 33
|
||
|
||
* Please excuse Diane from being absent yesterday. She was in bed
|
||
with gramps.
|
||
|
||
* Please excuse Sarah for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
|
||
|
||
* I had to keep Billie home because she ad to go Christmas shopping
|
||
because I didn't no what size she warz.
|
||
|
||
* Please execute Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.
|
||
|
||
* Mary couldn't come to school because she was bothered by very
|
||
close veins.
|
||
|
||
* Chris will not be in school cuz he has an acre in his side.
|
||
|
||
* john has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
|
||
|
||
* Excuse Gloria. She was under the doctor.
|
||
|
||
* My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed.
|
||
Please execute him.
|
||
|
||
* Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
|
||
He was hurt in the growing part.
|
||
|
||
* My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent
|
||
the weekend with the Marines.
|
||
|
||
* Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. She fell out of a
|
||
tree and misplaced her hip.
|
||
|
||
* Please excuse Ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
|
||
|
||
* Maryann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore
|
||
throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
|
||
fever and sore throat. Her brother had a low-grade fever and
|
||
ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
|
||
There must be a flu going around, even her father got hot last night.
|
||
|
||
* Please excuse Blanche from jim. She is administrating.
|
||
|
||
* Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah dirhh dyar
|
||
the runs.
|
||
(first three attempts had been partially crossed out)
|
||
|
||
* Aaron was absent yesterday because of a sore trout.
|
||
|
||
* Please excuse Wayne for being out. He had the fuel.
|
||
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
|