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2175 lines
88 KiB
Plaintext
2175 lines
88 KiB
Plaintext
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
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³ JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES ³
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ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
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A collection of jokes compiled by the folks at Access Media BBS
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(905-825-8653)!
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A woman went to the pet shop and looked at a parrot. She
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asked the shop owner, "Is he smart?"
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"Is he smart, lady? Does a bear sh*t in the woods?
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This bird is so smart he speaks six languages!"
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So she bought him and brought him home.
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She had to go out, but her husband came home. Seeing that she
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had spent all of the grocery money on this parrot, and there was
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no food in the house, the husband - who was starving -
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strangled the bird, plucked it, cleaned it, and cooked it.
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When his wife came home, dinner was served.
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She screamed, "How could you do this?"
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To which he replied, "Hey,we gotta eat!"
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She said, "This bird was brilliant! He spoke six languages!"
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To which he said, "Oh yeah? If he was so fu*king smart, why
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didn't he say something?"
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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You know you're a redneck when......
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Your grandmother says, "Come here and look at this before I
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flush it!"
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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In the mid-sixties, there was a hippy named Benny in San Francisco.
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Benny was real hip, but he just couldn't grow a beard like the rest of
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the flower child guys in Haight-Ashbury (Hashbury).
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One day Benny met up with a Gypsy Lady who liked him enough to grant him
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a wish, so, naturally, Benny wished for a beard. Gypsy Lady granted the
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wish but warned Benny to ALWAYS wear the beard, never cut it off.
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Well, the years went by, the flower children aged, the hippoy movement
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sorta died out, Benny went on to a career as a successful financial
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adviser. Benny decided the beard no longer fit his image so, ignoring
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the Gypsy Lady's warnings, he shaved it off. **POOF** Benny
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disintegrated into a pile of ashes, the janitor swept him up and
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deposited him in a jar.
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Moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Tillie and Millie, two old girl friends, met for lunch. "I married a
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wealthy clothing manufacturer," announced Tillie, "and he bought me a
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yacht for my birthday."
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"Astounding!" said Millie.
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"I have charge accounts in all the department stores," said Tillie.
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"'Astounding!" said Millie.
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"I have a drawer full of rubies and emeralds and my husband bought me a
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twenty five carat diamond ring for our second anniversary," said Tillie.
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"Astounding!" said Millie.
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"Enough about me," said Tillie, "What have you been doing?"
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"Oh," answered Millie, "I'm going to charm school."
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"Really, what did you learn there?" asked Tillie.
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"Well, for one thing, they taught me to say 'astounding'
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instead of 'bullsh*t'," replied Millie.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Mrs. Markowitz was walking along the beach with her grandson when
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suddenly a wave came and washed the three year old boy out to sea.
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"Oh, Lord!" cried the women. "If you will just bring that boy back
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alive I'll do anything! I'll be the best person! I'll give
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to charity! I'll go to temple! Please, God! Send him back!"
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At that moment, a wave washed the child back up on the sand, safe and
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sound. His grandmother looked at the boy and then up to the Heavens.
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"Okay!" she exclaimed, "So where's his hat?"
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A psychiatrist and a proctologist became good friends and agreed to
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share offices to cut down on expenses. To economise even further,
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they had just one sign printed:
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Dr. Marvin Hornstein, Psychiatrist
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Dr. David Slodnick, Proctologist
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SPECIALIZING IN ODDS AND ENDS
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A famous lawyer died and, unexpectedly, showed up at the Pearly Gates.
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St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened the lawyer saw
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a banner which welcomed him, the first 457-year old man. The lawyer was
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confused. He said to St. Peter, "I don't understand. When I died, I was
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63 years old, not 457." St. Peter was now confused, and said, "Why, you
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must be 457 years old! We added up all the hours you billed your clients,
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so you've got to be 457!"
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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This guy walks into an opthamologist's office with a violin case. He
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waits for his appointment and is shown into the doctor's office.
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The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
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The guy replies, "Well . . . it's this," pointing to the violin case
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that he has placed on the doctor's desk.
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The doctor says, "It's a violin case -- so what?"
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The guy says, "Open it."
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The doctor does so and reels back in shock. Inside the case is a
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single HUGE turd - filling the entire case.
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The doctor loses his professional demeanor and begins to tell the guy
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off. "You FILTHY DISGUSTING...!" at which point the guy interupts and
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says, "I did that myself."
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The doctor, trying to be professional, says, "Well, you should see
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your family doctor about it. There's nothing I can do."
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The guy replies, "No, no, you don't understand. Every time I do
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one of those, my eyes water."
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Category: Description:
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-------- -----------------------------------------------------
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G: Suitable for everyone. Even the family's pet lizard.
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PG-17: For anyone with initials "PG" over 17 years of age.
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ASCII: Suitable for any text editor.
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GASCII: For any text editor that has a problem with burritos.
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(Recommended shareware utility: PKUNFART.EXE)
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MACINTOSH: For imitation computer users.
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DOS: For real computer users.
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WINDOWS: For those of us who are into masochism.
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BUBBA: For anyone who's so southern, he's related to himself.
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X: For Adults Only.
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Z: For Absolutely No One.
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BREW: For rednecks who can't read sober.
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DOORS: For those who can't use Windows.
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BACKDOORS: For another way in.
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DYSLEXIC: .sdrawkcab era ohw esoth roF
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SLEPL: For those who can't spell.
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READ2ME: For those who can't read.
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GIMME: For Madonna.
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HUH?: For blondes.
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HILLARY: For the President.
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PEROT: Short jokes.
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DAHMER: Bits & pieces.
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BIGUNS: Dolly Parton jokes.
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BRAILLE: .. :.: ': :. .:. ':: .:: .
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GERALDO: The REALLY SICK stuff.
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DUH?: For those who don't get these jokes.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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What's this?
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/\ /\
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/\ /\ /\ /\
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/\ /\ * /\ /\
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/\ /\ /\ /\
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The KKK's idea of a fair fight.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Q. Why did the Okie drive around the block for three hours?
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A. His left turn signal was stuck.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Q. How many Conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
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A. Thirty: one to do it, and 29 to stuff it down everyone's throat.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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THE NEW PRIEST
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A new priest at his first mass was so scared, he could
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hardly speak. After the Mass was over he asked the
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Monsignor how he'd done? The Monsignor said fine, but
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next time it might help if you put some gin or vodka
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in your glass to help relax you. The next Sunday the
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priest put some vodka in his glass and really talked
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up a storm. After the Mass he asked the Monsignor how
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he'd done? The Monsignor says fine but there are
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a few things we need to get straightened out:
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1) There are 10 commandments not 12
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2) There are 12 disciples not 10
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3) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him
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4) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
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5) Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St.
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Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
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6) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as
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Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook
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7) They crucified Jesus, they didn't nail his ass to the cross
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A man was out driving when he saw a police car in his rear-view mirror,
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with it's siren wailing. The man pulled over and the police car stopped
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behind him. The policeman approached the man's car and said to the man:
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"Do you know that your wife fell out of the car five miles back?"
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The man replied: "Oh thank God! I thought I had gone deaf!"
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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SITUATION ADAPTABILITY EVALUATION FOR MANAGEMENT PERSONNEL
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This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personnel
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to various situations. The situations are based on actual case studies
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from a well known educational institution and represent a cross-section of
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test data correlated to evaluate both reaction time to difficult situations
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as well as the soundness of each decision selected.
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There are 8 multiple choice questions. Read each question thoroughly.
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Place an "X" by the answer you feel is most correctly justified by the
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circumstances given. Be prepared to justify your decision.
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You have 4 minutes
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(Do not turn this page until told to do so)
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(1) You have prepared a proposal for the regional director of
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purchasing of your largest customer. The success of this
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presentation will mean increasing your sales to his company
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by 200%. In the middle of your proposal the customer leans
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over to look at your report and spits into your coffee. You:
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_____(a) Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
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_____(b) Ask to have him checked for any communicable diseases.
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_____(c) Take a leak in his "out" basket.
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(2) You are having lunch with a prospective customer talking
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about what could be your biggest sale of the year. During
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the conversation a blonde walks into the restaurant and
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she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention to
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her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you
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had her alone in your motel. She walks over to the table and
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introduces herself as your client's daughter. Your next move
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is to:
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_____(a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
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_____(b) Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English.
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_____(c) Repeat the conversation to the daughter and just hope
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for the best.
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(3) You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate
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executives in the plushest office you've ever seen. The hot
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enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch
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react, creating severe pressure. Your sphincter loses its
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control and you break wind in a most convincing manner causing
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3 water tumblers to shatter and a secretary to pass out. What
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you should do next is:
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_____(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has
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gone away.
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_____(b) Point out their chief executive and accuse him of
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the offense.
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_____(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
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(4) You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome
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with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering
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this is definitely a No-No, you:
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_____(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with
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one fluid motion, bury your finger in your nostril
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right up to the 4th joint.
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_____(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking
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contest with a prize to the one who makes his
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nose bleed first.
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_____(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend
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over to pick it up, blow your nose on your sock.
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(5) You've just spent the evening with a supplier who invited
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you to an all night boilermaker drinking party. You get
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home just in time to go to work. You stagger to the men's
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room and spend the next half hour vomiting. As you're
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washing up at the sink, the sales training director walks
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up, blows cigar smoke in your face, and asks you to join
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him for a drink after work. You:
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_____(a) Look him straight in the eye and launch one last
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convulsive torrent at the front of his Hart
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Schaffner & Marx suit.
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_____(b) Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the fact
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that he'll never recognize your green face.
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_____(c) Grasp his hand and pump it till he wetss in his pants.
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(6) You are at dinner with a customer and his wife, who looks
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like the regional runner-up in the Lassie look-a-like
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contest. Halfway through dinner you feel a hand on your lap.
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If you are resourceful you will:
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_____(a) Accidently spill hot coffee in your lap.
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_____(b) Slip a note to the waiter to have your customer
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paged and see if the hand goes away when he does.
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_____(c) Excuse yourself and go to the men's room. If he
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follows, don't come out until you have a signed order.
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(7) You're on your way to see your best account when your zipper
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breaks and you discover that you forgot to put on your
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underpants that morning. You decide to:
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_____(a) Call on the customer's secretary instead.
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_____(b) Explain that you were just trolling for queers.
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_____(c) Buy a baggy raincoat and head for the school
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playground.
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(8) You've just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin
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in January and tell your boss that nobody but whores and
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football players live there. He mentions that his wife is
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from Green Bay. You:
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_____(a) Ask what position she played.
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_____(b) Ask if she's still working the streets.
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_____(c) Pretend you're suffering amnesia and don't
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remember your own name.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Leroy, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees
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a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third-storey ledge holding
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her pet cat in her arms.
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"Hey, lady," yells Leroy, "Throw me the cat."
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"No," she cries, "It's too far."
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"I play football, I can catch him."
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The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to
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Leroy, kisses her cat good-bye, and tosses it down to the street.
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Leroy keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
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The feline bounces off an awning and Leroy runs into the street
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to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular
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one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire
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breaks into cheers.
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Leroy does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his
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knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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******************************************
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THE PERSONAL COMPUTER AWARENESS DICTIONARY
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******************************************
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Do you feel confused by the jargon of the personal computer revolution?
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Afraid to enter the world of the computer salesmen to browse because you
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don't understand their language? Well, here's a quick lesson on just what
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some of those slick phrases you've heard REALLY mean!
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IBM-COMPATIBLE: not IBM-compatible
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FULLY IBM-COMPATIBLE: somewhat IBM-compatible, but won't run BASIC
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programs
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100% IBM-COMPATIBLE: compatible with most available hardware and
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software, but not with the blockbusters IBM always introduces the
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day after tomorrow
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LAP-TOP: smaller and lighter than the average secretary
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PORTABLE: smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator
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TRANSPORTABLE: neither chained to a wall nor attached to an alarm
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system
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HARD DISK: a device that allows naive users to delete vast amounts
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of data with simple commands
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MOUSE: a peripheral originally named "vermiform appendix" because
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of its functional resemblance, renamed for its usefulness as a cat
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toy
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PRINTER: an electromechanical paper-shredding device
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MODEM: a peripheral used in the unsucessful attempt to get two
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computers to communicate with each other
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NETWORK: an electronic means of allowing more than one person at a
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time to corrupt, trash, or otherwise cause permanent damage to
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useful data
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DOCUMENTATION: a perplexing linen-bound accessory resorted to only
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in situations of dire need when friends and dealers are
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unavailable, normally employed only as a decorative bookend
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USER-FRIENDLY: supplied with a full-color manual
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VERY USER-FRIENDLY: supplied with an on-disk and audiotape
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tutorial, so the user needn't bother with the full-color manual
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EXTREMELY USER-FRIENDLY: supplied with a mouse so that the
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computer user needn't bother with the on-disk and audiotape
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tutorial, the full-color manual, or the program itself
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EASY TO LEARN: hard to use
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EASY TO USE: hard to learn
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EASY TO LEARN & USE: won't do what you want it to
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POWERFUL: hard to learn and use
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MENU-DRIVEN: easy to learn
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COPY-PROTECTED: (1) a clever method of preventing incompetent
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pirates from STEALING software and legitimate customers from
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USING it. (2) a means of distinguishing honest users from
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thieves by preventing larceny by the former but not the latter.
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WARRANTY: an unconditional guarantee that the program purchased
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is actually included on the disk in the box
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VERSION 1.0: buggier than Maine in June, eats data
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VERSION 1.1: eats data only occasionally, upgrades free to avoid
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litigation by disgruntled users of version 1.0
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VERSION 2.0: the version originally planned as the first release
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[execept for a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem
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to go away], no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt
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VERSION 3.0: the revision in the works when the company goes
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bankrupt
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NOW AVAILABLE: available any day now
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AVAILABLE SOON: should be out within a year
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AVAILABLE MAY 1: version 1.0 may ship to dealers August 1
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STANDARD: similar to something else on the market
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BACKUP: the duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered
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to make
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SPREADSHEET: a program that gives the user quick and easy access
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to a wide variety of highly detailed reports based on highly
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inaccurate assumptions
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WORD PROCESSOR: software that magically transforms its user
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into a professional author
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BUSINESS GRAPHICS: popular with managers who understand neither
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decimals, fractions, Roman numerals, nor PI, but have more than
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a passing acquaintance with pies and bars
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DATABASE MANAGER: a program that allows the user to manipulate
|
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data in every conceivable way except the absolutely essential
|
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one he or she conceives of the day after entering 20 megabytes
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of raw data
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INTEGRATED SOFTWARE: a single product that deftly performs
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hundreds of functions the user never needs and awkwardly
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performs the half-dozen he uses constantly
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WINDOWS: a method of dividing a computer screen into two or more
|
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unusably tiny portions
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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It seems that a young man who came from a wealthy family was going off
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to college. Now Dad, who was no slouch, knew that the young rascal
|
|
would probably just use all his money to booze it up and go after the
|
|
girls (since this is what he himself had done). In order to prevent
|
|
this, he presented his son with a fur coat which contained nine
|
|
million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine
|
|
hairs. And he said to his son, he said, "Son, I want you to have this
|
|
coat, and to take very good care of it, because it contains 9,999,999
|
|
hairs. If there are still 9,999,999 hairs when you graduate from
|
|
school in 4 years, I'll give you a million dollars and set you up in a
|
|
job for life." Well, the son thought this sounded pretty good, so he
|
|
took his Dad up on it. While he was a freshman, he counted the hairs
|
|
twice a semester: 9,999,999 hairs each time. Over the summer he
|
|
counted them again: 9,999,999 hairs. Sophomore year he counted those
|
|
9,999,999 hairs every month, and every month there were 9,999,999
|
|
hairs. Junior year, he was at it every week: 9,999,999 hairs. Week
|
|
after week after week: 9,999,999 hairs. By senior year he was
|
|
counting them every day: 9,999,999 hairs. Skipping classes for those
|
|
9,999,999 hairs. Well, by the time graduation rolled around, he felt
|
|
like he'd counted those 9,999,999 hairs about 9,999,999 times, but he
|
|
kept right on counting. As soon as he finished with those 9,999,999
|
|
hairs, he'd count them again: 9,999,999 hairs. On the night before
|
|
graduation, he stayed up all night counting: 9,999,999 hairs. Finally
|
|
the big day arrived, and Dad came to see Junior. "Well, son, have you
|
|
got those 9,999,999 hairs still intact?" asked the old man. "Yes,
|
|
Dad, all 9,999,999 hairs are there!" So they started to count them
|
|
together. And there were 9,999,998 hairs! The son couldn't believe
|
|
it. They counted again: 9,999,998 hairs. And the son sat down and
|
|
cried, his whole future shot (since he'd gotten straight D's from all
|
|
the classes he'd skipped). And as the son was sitting there, a little
|
|
moth flew out of the coat, the same moth who'd eaten that 9,999,999th
|
|
hair. And the moth felt so bad about what he'd done that he started
|
|
to cry too.
|
|
|
|
Have you ever seen a moth bawl?
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if your wife's hairdo has ever
|
|
been ruined by a ceiling fan.
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if both your dog and your wallet
|
|
are on a chain.
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains
|
|
but your pickup does.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs...
|
|
|
|
...in your spicerack? HERB
|
|
...in a men's room? JOHN
|
|
...in a British restroom? LOU
|
|
...in a bank vault? RICH
|
|
...in a porn flick? DICK
|
|
...in a sound system? MIKE
|
|
...trying to swim? BOB
|
|
...in a sandwich? REUBEN
|
|
...propping up a car? JACK
|
|
...being climbed on? JIM
|
|
...run over by a train? BART
|
|
...in a flowerbed? BUD or PETE
|
|
...removed from the White House? COLIN
|
|
...put through a meat grinder? CHUCK
|
|
...being torched to death? BERNIE
|
|
...in your gas tank? PHIL
|
|
...under a steamroller? LANE
|
|
...in your drums? TOM
|
|
...under a train? SPIKE
|
|
...in a lettuce farm? MANUEL
|
|
...stuffed in a carryall? PACO
|
|
...drowning in the lake? GIL
|
|
...on your barbecue? FRANK
|
|
...starving to death? LES
|
|
...being cooked by cannibals? STU
|
|
...in a hayloft? BARNEY
|
|
...being stoned to death? ROCKY
|
|
...in a chicken coop? HENRY
|
|
...on a French farm? HECTOR
|
|
...dying of cancer? KENT
|
|
...in a pile of leaves? RUSSELL
|
|
|
|
What do you call a girl with no arms or legs...
|
|
|
|
...on your barbecue? PATTY
|
|
...in a sugar vat? CANDY
|
|
...when she's your sister's kid? DENISE
|
|
...in a sewer? FLO
|
|
...eaten by a Gila Monster? LIZ
|
|
...being shot out of a cannon? AMY
|
|
...being stoned for immorality? CYN
|
|
...stuck on a wall? PEG
|
|
...in a backpack? CARRIE
|
|
...in a shotgun wedding? MARY
|
|
...being screwed by a horse? MARE
|
|
...caught by a trawler? ANNETTE
|
|
...ensnared in a lawsuit? SUE
|
|
...trying to figure how she got that way? WANDA
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A lawyer and his brother, a doctor, were hunting. A mountain lion
|
|
jumped out in front of them and started snarling.
|
|
|
|
The doctor asked, "What should we do?"
|
|
|
|
The lawyer said, "I'm gonna run for it!"
|
|
|
|
The doctor replied, "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
|
|
|
|
The lawyer said, "I don't have to outrun HIM - I only have to
|
|
outrun YOU!"
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A man had a weird illness. Whenever he broke wind, it made the sound
|
|
"Honda". He asked his doctor about it but the doctor (after months of
|
|
tests and literature-reading) could not figure it out. Finally, just
|
|
before he was about to give up, he had an idea! "I'll call the Honda
|
|
Company in Japan and ask the company doctor!" Well, he called the
|
|
Japanese doctor and was told by him to see if the patient had an
|
|
abscess in his teeth somewhere. Sure enough, there was, and when it
|
|
was treated the other affliction ended! When the doctor asked his
|
|
Japanese counterpart how he could make such a great diagnosis over
|
|
the phone from such a long distance away the man replied:
|
|
|
|
"Simple. Abscess makes a fart go Honda."
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
So this guy is in a bar.... and he gets kinda drunk, and says to the
|
|
bartender, "Well, I saaaagunna tell a Polish joke...."
|
|
|
|
The bartender says to the man, "Pssst! Hey buddy, you see that guy
|
|
there across the room? He's 6'2, 195 lbs, he's Polish. You see that
|
|
guy over next to the darts? He's 6'4, 220 lbs, and he's Polish.
|
|
You see that guy over there? He's 6'3, 325 lbs, and HE's Polish!!"
|
|
|
|
The man hiccups, looks thoughtful for a moment, then replies, "I only
|
|
wanted to tell the joke once, ya know..."
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
APPLICAZIONNE TO JOINA DE MAFFIA
|
|
------------- -- ----- -- ------
|
|
|
|
Whazza u name _________________________ U-Hage_______________
|
|
|
|
Whazza u howsa nummer ________________ U-Streeta____________
|
|
|
|
Whazza-U-Bag? Hitta Man_____ Lona-Arranger_____ Prostitutta?___
|
|
|
|
Izza U Girl or Boy? (If uzza girl, Oh-Boy!)_____ Justta Checka Wun.
|
|
(Wiezza Guy)
|
|
|
|
Putta Downa Wearra U Worgga Now___________________________________
|
|
Wazza U Inna De Bigga Ouse? ____ For Whatzza U Inna De Bigga Ouse?
|
|
I Shoota Wun Guize_____ I Keednappa Sumbody's___________
|
|
Protekshun Ragget______ Udda Things_____________________
|
|
|
|
U Wanna B De Bigga Shotz, Dumdaze?? Yasse_____ No_____ Eh:_______
|
|
|
|
U Likka Eata Garlic? _________ Pizza? _________ Salami?__________
|
|
|
|
U No Ow 2 Makke De Cement Shooz? _________________________________
|
|
|
|
U Driva De Car? _______ Gadillac_______ Buick _____ Linken________
|
|
|
|
U Likka Likka Spagett?____ Galamari_____ Girlze?_____ Boyze?______
|
|
(Just peeka one--no foola
|
|
rounda cus I slappa U
|
|
face)
|
|
|
|
U Sees De Godfather? (Or justa de movie?)
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Widda U Antry U Gonna Getta Somtink U Reely Lika..................
|
|
|
|
1 pr darke glasses 1 lb. mozzarella cheeze
|
|
1 black shirte widda white tie 1 kiss (later, onna U cheek)
|
|
1 pr. pointie shooz 1 wite hat, widde blacke brim
|
|
1 pr. cement shooz 1 spumoni (tutti-frutti)
|
|
(come later when you foolaround) 8x10 picchur-Frank Sinatra
|
|
1 Appy Face Button
|
|
|
|
Goode Stoff (Iffa U notta Sure, I Talle U Whatta U Getta, Wizaguy)
|
|
|
|
JOINNA DE CLUB NOW WHILE YOU STILL CANNA RITE!
|
|
|
|
Guiseppi
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Did you hear what happened to the blonde tap-dancer?
|
|
|
|
A: She fell into the sink.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse
|
|
fell and broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he
|
|
warned her not to climb any stairs.
|
|
|
|
Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.
|
|
|
|
"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.
|
|
|
|
"Yes," he replied.
|
|
|
|
"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying
|
|
up and down that drainpipe!"
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Lem and Clem stood by a car in which they had locked the key.
|
|
"Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it" Lem asked.
|
|
"No," answered Clem. "People will think we're trying to break in."
|
|
Lem said, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber,
|
|
then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?"
|
|
"No," said Clem. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat
|
|
hanger.
|
|
"Well," sighed Lem, "we'd better think of something fast. It's
|
|
starting to rain and the sun roof is open!"
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if your car window is a Hefty bag.
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if Red Man chewing tobacco sent
|
|
you a Christmas card.
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if your family tree does not fork.
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if the primary color of your car
|
|
is 'bondo'.
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if you have a rag as a gas-cap.
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if in your wedding picture, you
|
|
had a toothpick in your mouth.
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if you consider a six-pack and
|
|
a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if your idea of literature is
|
|
the TV-Guide.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Worf: Shoot it.
|
|
Picard: Let's talk to it.
|
|
Riker: Screw it.
|
|
Data: I do not understand it.
|
|
Geordi: I can fix it.
|
|
Q: I could do it better.
|
|
Borg: Assimilate it.
|
|
|
|
Kirk: Has anyone seen my hair?
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if your belt buckle is bigger than
|
|
your wife's head.
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if directions to your house
|
|
include: and then you turn off the paved road...
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if going to the bathroom at night
|
|
involves putting on your shoes and carrying a flashlight.
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if people ask to hunt in your
|
|
front yard.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
My doctor gives X-rays for any complaint. If you have a cough, he'll
|
|
X-ray your throat; a cramp calls for a body X-ray. I was in his office
|
|
the other day and I saw a nude man in his X-ray room. I said, "What's
|
|
the matter with you?"
|
|
|
|
The nude man said, "I don't know. I just came in to drop off the
|
|
mail."
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
|
|
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
|
|
This widow had a grown-up daughter
|
|
Who had hair of red.
|
|
My father fell in love with her,
|
|
And soon the two were wed.
|
|
|
|
This made my dad my son-in-law
|
|
And changed my very life.
|
|
My daughter was my mother,
|
|
For she was my father's wife.
|
|
|
|
To complicate the matters worse,
|
|
Although it brought me joy,
|
|
I soon became the father
|
|
Of a bouncing baby boy.
|
|
|
|
My little baby then became
|
|
A brother-in-law to dad.
|
|
And so became my uncle,
|
|
Though it made me very sad.
|
|
|
|
For if he was my uncle,
|
|
Then that also made him brother
|
|
To the widow's grown-up daughter
|
|
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
|
|
|
|
Father's wife then had a son,
|
|
Who kept them on the run.
|
|
And he became my grandson,
|
|
For he was my daughter's son.
|
|
|
|
My wife is now my mother's mother
|
|
And it makes me blue.
|
|
Because, although she is my wife,
|
|
She's my grandmother too.
|
|
|
|
If my wife is my grandmother,
|
|
Then I am her grandchild.
|
|
And every time I think of it,
|
|
It simply drives me wild.
|
|
|
|
For now I have become
|
|
The strangest case you ever saw.
|
|
As the husband of my grandmother,
|
|
I am my own grandpa!
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if your most successful pick-up
|
|
line is, "Hey Baby, nice tooth!"
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if your daughter gets married
|
|
and all the wedding guests sit on the same side of the church.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
MONTHLY EVALUATION
|
|
------------------
|
|
|
|
Name: _______
|
|
|
|
Knowledge:
|
|
__ The son of a bitch really knows his sh*t
|
|
__ Knows just enough to be dangerous
|
|
__ Only half a brain and dangerous
|
|
__ F**king brain dead. His coffee cup has more IQ
|
|
|
|
Accuracy:
|
|
__ Does excellent work if not preoccupied with sex
|
|
__ Pretty good. Only occasionally blows it out his *ss
|
|
__ Has to take off his shoes to count higher then ten
|
|
__ Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice
|
|
|
|
Attitude:
|
|
__ Extremely cooperative if you kiss his *ss frequently
|
|
__ Brown noser in good standing
|
|
__ Often pisses off co-workers
|
|
__ Doesn't give a sh*t. Never did. Never will
|
|
|
|
Reliability:
|
|
__ Really a dependable little sh*thead
|
|
__ Works so hard that he must take a day off each week
|
|
__ Can rely on him to be the first one out the door
|
|
__ Totally f*cking worthless
|
|
|
|
Appearance:
|
|
__ Extremely neat. Even combs his pubic hair
|
|
__ Looks great on his days off
|
|
__ Flies leave fresh dog sh*t to follow him
|
|
__ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a b*tch
|
|
|
|
Leadership:
|
|
__ Carries a chainsaw and get good results
|
|
__ Macho attitude. Commands total disgust
|
|
__ Dog fasted 3 days last time he brought home pork chops
|
|
__ Mother Theresa told him to get f*cked
|
|
|
|
|
|
I understand that I have been counselled and know my rights under
|
|
the Privacy Act of 1971. I further acknowledge that I am as
|
|
f*cked up as a football bat and I will attempt to correct my
|
|
deficiencies.
|
|
|
|
__________________________
|
|
signature of the idiot
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
How can you tell if an Ethiopian woman is pregnant?
|
|
Hold her up to the light.
|
|
|
|
What do you call an Ethiopian with buck teeth?
|
|
Rake.
|
|
|
|
[Take a comb and hold it upside-down] What's this?
|
|
A hundred Ethiopians carrying a canoe.
|
|
|
|
How many Ethiopians can you put in a shower?
|
|
I don't know they keep falling down the drain.
|
|
|
|
How many Ethiopians can you put in a Volkswagen?
|
|
All of 'em!
|
|
|
|
How do Ethiopians camouflage themselves?
|
|
They stand sideways.
|
|
|
|
What's the world's fastest animal?
|
|
-The Ethiopian Chicken.
|
|
|
|
What's the world's second fastest animal?
|
|
-The Ethiopian running after it.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's a brunette's idea of the ideal weight of a blonde?
|
|
A: Two kilos, including the URN.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you get 50 Jewish people in a car?
|
|
A: Throw a dime inside.
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you get 50 germans in a car?
|
|
A: Throw a Jewish person inside.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
NEW SOFTWARE ANNOUNCEMENT
|
|
|
|
PC WIFE for Dos and Windows
|
|
|
|
For the truly lonely and scandalously ugly men with no chance of
|
|
ever finding the real thing.
|
|
|
|
NOTICE! This is not Freeware!
|
|
|
|
Manual and Quick Reference Guide
|
|
|
|
From the time you load this software, you are required to cash your pay-
|
|
check and send the entire amount to the address listed. We will send back
|
|
the money we think you will need each week.
|
|
|
|
Before installing, read all instructions in this manual and make several
|
|
back up copies of the original disks. This software has caused hardware
|
|
damage in some machines with short-tempered users.
|
|
|
|
This software, like many others, is claimed to work with Windows. It
|
|
might. It might not. If it doesn't, it is your fault. Buy a better com-
|
|
puter next time!
|
|
|
|
RUNNING PC WIFE
|
|
|
|
Okay you lovebirds, dim the lights and open that bottle of champagne. In-
|
|
sert the install disk (disk 1) into one of the floppy drives (A or B).
|
|
At the C: prompt, type A: or B: install. You will notice a faint smell
|
|
of perfume, a soft moaning sound, and the room may feel warm. You may
|
|
feel slight dizziness and a lack of good judgement. Don't worry. This is
|
|
normal.
|
|
|
|
At this point an introduction screen will appear on the monitor. Press
|
|
enter. You will now be asked a few simple questions like those listed
|
|
below. Please consider your answers carefully.
|
|
|
|
1. Are you married?
|
|
2. Do you have any children?
|
|
3. Have you been married before?
|
|
4. How much money do you make? Alot?
|
|
5. Do you want to have children?
|
|
6. What time do you get home from work?
|
|
|
|
No answer is wrong. Remember, this is for losers. The program will ad-
|
|
just for any combination of answers. Once you have answered all 2,486
|
|
questions, the program will automatically begin. The computer must
|
|
remain on at all times. An Uninterruptable Power Supply (UPS) would be a
|
|
good addition to your equipment for full enjoyment.
|
|
|
|
HOW IT WORKS
|
|
|
|
There are several programs and files that are used in the operation of PC
|
|
WIFE. Do not delete any of these files.
|
|
|
|
README.DOC- Who does? You might want to read this six months from now.
|
|
|
|
PISS.EXE- Timed program, runs every afternoon.
|
|
|
|
MOAN.DAT- Data file used with PISS.EXE.
|
|
|
|
PMS.COM- Program runs once a month, however, can also run at any
|
|
time, or not at all. (Do whatever it instructs!)
|
|
|
|
WENCH.EXE- Program runs when requested. You may have to request this
|
|
several times to get it to run. Begging may help.
|
|
|
|
BITCH.EXE- Program will run sooner or later. Be patient. Negative
|
|
feedback aggravates the program.
|
|
Note: Runs more frequently if you drink or are late from
|
|
work, or if you are late in complying with any
|
|
PC WIFE request.
|
|
|
|
BITCH.DAT- Data file used with BITCH.EXE.
|
|
|
|
CLEAN.EXE- Merely a reminder program with a handy "clean the house" pop-
|
|
up menu. Failure to follow instructions given carefully will
|
|
result in more frequent executions of BITCH.EXE. Frequent
|
|
running of BITCH.EXE could cause more frequent action of
|
|
PMS.COM. This is not a preferred situation.
|
|
|
|
MIL.EXE- A mother-in-law simulation program creates a noise similar
|
|
to a parrot with its foot hung. Running of other programs in
|
|
PC WIFE not complying with requests in a timely manner will
|
|
determine duration and volume of program execution.
|
|
|
|
DINNER.EXE- A handy reminder program consisting of phone numbers for
|
|
pizza delivery (or fine dining establishments).
|
|
|
|
SECRET FILES
|
|
|
|
There are many hidden files in PC WIFE. If you are lucky, and blessed
|
|
with quick reflexes, you will not endure the wrath of these files.
|
|
|
|
REMINDER
|
|
|
|
Sign the enclosed Warranty Death Beneficiary Registration Card before in-
|
|
stalling this software. Mail card and first paycheck 10 days before in-
|
|
stallation of program.
|
|
|
|
REMOVING PC WIFE
|
|
|
|
Once PC WIFE has been running five minutes, it will be in complete con-
|
|
trol of your house, car, and life. If for any reason you are unhappy
|
|
with your PC WIFE, there is only one way to loosen its hold on you. Upon
|
|
receipt of all deeds, bank account holdings and titles, legally signed
|
|
over to our company, we will gladly terminate 90% of PC WIFE functions.
|
|
If at any time a check for 75% of your earnings is more than five days
|
|
late in arriving, PC WIFE will be reinstated with all hidden files on ac-
|
|
tivated status.
|
|
|
|
DISCLAIMER
|
|
|
|
The makers of PC WIFE hold no responsibility for damage, medical costs,
|
|
loss of sanity, financial ruin, or any other potentially adverse effects
|
|
from running this software.
|
|
|
|
Thank you very much for your purchase and continued support.
|
|
|
|
Till Death Do Us Part Software, Inc.
|
|
|
|
******************************************************************
|
|
|
|
AND DON'T MISS OUR LATEST CREATION
|
|
|
|
PC CHILD!
|
|
|
|
THE PERFECT ADDITION TO PC WIFE!
|
|
|
|
A mere nine months after installation of software, a heady perfume of am-
|
|
monia and manure will permeate your home. Yes! For one entire year,
|
|
your house will not only smell like a baby lives there, but it will sound
|
|
like you are the proud father of triplets! Shrieks, screams and giggles
|
|
will emit at random times from your SoundBlaster. Fool neighbors and
|
|
friends with 2 am feeding wails and gurgles that last well past dawn!
|
|
|
|
As if that wasn't enough, slimy drool and vile-smelling, green glop will
|
|
spurt from your floppy drives many times during the next 18 years. Yes,
|
|
18 YEARS! Amaze your friends! (A keyboard condom will be included in
|
|
your purchase.)
|
|
|
|
You want MORE?? We've GOT more! Hard drive fevers in the middle of the
|
|
night! Simulated trips to hospital emergency rooms! Report cards!
|
|
Calls from the principal! PTA meetings! And when your PC CHILD turns 16
|
|
years old, you'd better buy a new car, because your child will be DRIV-
|
|
ING! Yes, DRIVING! AND getting in car wrecks on the average of twice a
|
|
month! Watch your insurance rates climb!
|
|
|
|
And the fun goes on and on and on. We can't tell you everything. That
|
|
wouldn't be any fun, would it? But we suggest you start bugging your
|
|
computer retailer now for PC CHILD. Your PC WIFE will want one every two
|
|
or three years, and you don't want to make her angry! Trust us.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"I just got a new hearing aid. It's the best one I've ever had."
|
|
|
|
"What kind is it?"
|
|
|
|
"Oh, about 9:30......."
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The dumb blonde was invited on an outing so she decided
|
|
to shop for some luggage. She asked the clerk, "Do you have
|
|
any overnight cases?"
|
|
|
|
"Yes'm," he said.
|
|
|
|
"You'd better give me seven of them, then. I'll be gone a week."
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A sensational new shortstop was being interviewed by the press.
|
|
The trouble was, the guy spoke so quietly no one could hear him.
|
|
One of them finally asked the coach, "What's the matter with him?"
|
|
"Nothing at all," replied the coach. "That's just the way the
|
|
rookie mumbles."
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
What do you call a dog with no legs?
|
|
|
|
Doesn't matter, it won't come anyway.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A father took his young son to the opera for the first time.
|
|
The conductor started waving the baton, and the soprano began her
|
|
aria. The boy watched everything intently and finally asked:
|
|
"Why is he hitting her with his stick?"
|
|
|
|
"He's not hitting her," answered the father with a chuckle.
|
|
|
|
"Well, then," asked the boy, "why is she screaming?"
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed
|
|
the button labeled, "Coffee, double cream, sugar." No cup appeared.
|
|
Then two nozzles went into action, one sending forth coffee, the
|
|
other, cream. After the proper amounts had gone down the drain
|
|
where the cup should have been, the machine turned off. "Now that's
|
|
real automation," the man exclaimed. "This thing even drinks it for
|
|
you!"
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
What do you do with a dog with no arms and no legs?
|
|
|
|
Take it for a drag.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
|
|
Seventeen. One talks in Congress for 5 hours about how the lack of family
|
|
values in this country symbolizes the burning out of a light bulb. Two more
|
|
rant and rave about how it was the Democrat's fault that the light bulb
|
|
burned out in the first place. Three more talk in hushed whispers about how
|
|
this whole light bulb thing could escalate into something soon. Two more
|
|
are about to change the light bulb, but decide instead to attend a
|
|
fund-raising dinner. And the rest spend the remainder of the week forming a
|
|
Congressional Light-Bulb Fixing Task Force.
|
|
|
|
Nobody, of course, ever gets around to changing the light bulb...
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
TOP TEN TREK TRANSPORTER MALFUNCTION EPISODES WE HAVEN'T SEEN (YET):
|
|
|
|
10.An AWAY team disappears and the mystery isn't solved until it
|
|
is discovered that Ensign Scott, who entered the coordinates
|
|
into the transporter, is dyslexic.
|
|
9. During an ion storm, Worf is beamed up but finds himself a
|
|
long time ago in a galaxy far, far away---"Star Worf."
|
|
8. Worf is accidentally beamed through an improbability field and
|
|
turns into a bowl of petunias. Troi can sense only one thought
|
|
from him (which also happens to be the episode title): "Oh No,
|
|
Not Again."
|
|
7. A short circuit causes the transporter system to shrink the AWAY
|
|
team to microscopic size and be transported into Geordi's visor --
|
|
"A Beam in Geordi's Eye."
|
|
6. Static interference with the transporter system causes the AWAY
|
|
team to instantly age 50 years. Since de-aging people is now
|
|
standard procedure of the Enterprise, this episode is fixed before
|
|
the credits start. The rest of the episode consists of a
|
|
discussion on why shields always fail--"Staff Meeting."
|
|
5. A subspace disturbance affects the transporter, causing a genetic
|
|
alteration in Captain Picard which makes his nose grow even
|
|
longer--"Picarnocchio."
|
|
4. While testing a new transporter system, O'Brian doesn't notice
|
|
a fly on the transporter pad with him. The Enterprise is then
|
|
boarded by a horde of copyright lawyers.
|
|
3. A power surge as Data is being beamed sends him back to 1985 on
|
|
Earth. It also short circuits his positronic circuits, so he believes
|
|
that he must kill a woman named Sarah Conner--"Termidata."
|
|
2. Data, Troi, and Riker have their signals scrambled together by a
|
|
computer error and become one being: A logical first officer
|
|
with psychic power--"Mindmeld."
|
|
|
|
AND THE NUMBER ONE TRANSPORTER MALFUNCTION EPISODE WE HAVEN'T SEEN (YET):
|
|
|
|
1. Troi and Worf are beaming up from a planet when an ionic pulse
|
|
disrupts the beam. Troi is okay, but Worf is split into seven small,
|
|
bearded men, each with a diffrent dominant trait--"Troi White and
|
|
the Seven Worfs."
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
TOP TEN REASONS FOR WHY Q AND AMANDA LOOKED SO LARGE RELATIVE TO THE
|
|
ENTERPRISE:
|
|
|
|
10. The Walt Disney reason: It's a small ship after all.
|
|
9. The George Bush reason: It's the fault of the Democrats in
|
|
Congress.
|
|
8. The Bill Clinton reason: I didn't see the episode. If I did see it
|
|
it was only once, and I didn't notice anything wrong with it.
|
|
7. The "Dallas" reason: Dr. Crusher is dreaming this whole season.
|
|
6. The Monty Python reason: It's only a model.
|
|
5. The Oliver Stone Reason: Ask yourself, qui bono? Who benefits
|
|
if TNG's special effects aren't good? Babylon 5, that's who,
|
|
and the CIA, and the Mafia, and the Illuminati.
|
|
4. Bill Clinton reason: I knew all along there was something wrong
|
|
with the proportion. And it's not surprising, after 12 years of
|
|
Reaganomics.
|
|
3. Some unexplained reason: John DeLancia and Olivia D'Abo are
|
|
big stars.
|
|
2. The Rick Moranis reason: Honey, I shrunk the ship. Or is it,
|
|
Honey, I blew up the Qs.
|
|
|
|
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON FOR WHY Q AND AMANDA LOOKED SO LARGE RELATIVE
|
|
TO THE ENTERPRISE:
|
|
|
|
1. The H. Ross Perot reason: It's irrelavant. Let's try to keep
|
|
things in perspective, okay? Can we focus on the issues for
|
|
just a moment here? While you've been reading this list, the
|
|
deficit's grown by another 430 million quatlons.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
T H E T E N C O M M A N D M E N T S O F D I E T I N G
|
|
|
|
Thou shalt not throw body checks at a buffet table
|
|
|
|
Thou shalt not spend more than one week's salary at a single vending machine
|
|
|
|
Thou shalt not store food in thy cheeks
|
|
|
|
Thou shalt not slam-dunk mashed potatoes
|
|
|
|
Thou shalt not eat with garden tools
|
|
|
|
Thou shalt not eat by bucket brigade
|
|
|
|
Thou shalt not order more pizza than can fit in your house
|
|
|
|
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's junk food
|
|
|
|
Thou shalt not operate more than one microwave at a time
|
|
|
|
Thou shalt not turbocharge thy salad shooter
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The First Day of School 30 Years Ago and Today
|
|
|
|
|
|
THIRTY YEARS AGO Miss Lichtig receives an apple from an anonymous student
|
|
and shows it to her fellow teachers. TODAY Ms. Lichtig receives a package
|
|
from an anonymous student and shows it to the bomb squad!
|
|
|
|
THIRTY YEARS AGO Ed Navis, the class clown, is caught reading Playboy.
|
|
TODAY Mrs. McMahon, the art teacher, is caught posing for Playboy!
|
|
|
|
THIRTY YEARS AGO his entire first-grade class groans when Melvin asks the
|
|
teacher "Didn't you forget to give us homework?" TODAY his entire first-
|
|
grade class cheers when Rocco asks the teacher, "Hey, where the hell are the
|
|
condoms?"
|
|
|
|
THIRTY YEARS AGO Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of
|
|
whooping cough. TODAY Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grades first case of
|
|
morning sickness!
|
|
|
|
THIRTY YEARS AGO students find mercury, lead and cobalt on the periodic
|
|
table. TODAY students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water!
|
|
|
|
THIRTY YEARS AGO each class begins with "Show and Tell". TODAY each class
|
|
begins with "Search and Frisk"!
|
|
|
|
THIRTY YEARS AGO ninth grader Clyde Kelly is caught cheating on a pop quiz.
|
|
TODAY ninth grader Scott Kelly is caught cheating on his common-law wife!
|
|
|
|
THIRTY YEARS AGO in assembly, Mr Police Captain tells students how to avoid
|
|
being accosted by strangers! TODAY in assembly, Mr. Police Captain tells
|
|
students how to avoid being shot by his men!
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Why do you need a drivers licence to buy liquor when you cannot drink and
|
|
drive?
|
|
|
|
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
|
|
|
|
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
|
|
|
|
How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
|
|
|
|
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the
|
|
frying pan?
|
|
|
|
Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
|
|
|
|
Why are there floatation devices under plane seats, instead of parachutes?
|
|
|
|
Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
|
|
|
|
Why does sour cream have a use-by date?
|
|
|
|
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
|
|
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
|
|
|
|
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
|
|
|
|
You know that little indrestructable black box that is used on planes, why
|
|
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief
|
|
fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped
|
|
down and found himself in the city prison.
|
|
|
|
**********************************************************************
|
|
|
|
In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the
|
|
busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over
|
|
its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road,
|
|
another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on.
|
|
As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine tha magnetic Irishman, a
|
|
delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured
|
|
bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle
|
|
came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit - Bob
|
|
Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured
|
|
skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital
|
|
officials said he would recover.
|
|
|
|
***********************************************************************
|
|
|
|
While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti
|
|
came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down.
|
|
While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the
|
|
farmer tehered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and
|
|
cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a
|
|
sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse
|
|
startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with,
|
|
Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence
|
|
the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with
|
|
the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excite-
|
|
ment, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports-car. At
|
|
this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray.
|
|
The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he
|
|
did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last
|
|
report the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.
|
|
|
|
************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in
|
|
heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car
|
|
at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact
|
|
their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together.
|
|
Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't
|
|
scratched.
|
|
|
|
************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged
|
|
eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four
|
|
years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that
|
|
started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while
|
|
they stood waiting for a train.
|
|
|
|
************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant
|
|
nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an
|
|
elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself.
|
|
When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a distur-
|
|
bance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two
|
|
corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was
|
|
leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr Fen
|
|
kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that
|
|
she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr Fen was acquitted of
|
|
manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
|
|
|
|
************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express
|
|
was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she
|
|
had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and
|
|
was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking
|
|
it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of
|
|
bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman
|
|
darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back
|
|
door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps
|
|
coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come
|
|
to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the
|
|
baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Yo Mama is so fat she doesn't have a waist, it's an equator.
|
|
|
|
Yo mama is so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
|
|
|
|
Yo mama is so fat that she jumped in the air and got stuck.
|
|
|
|
Yo mama is so stupid that she asked for a price check at a 99 cent
|
|
store.
|
|
|
|
Yo mama is so fat that when she throws herself into a chair,
|
|
it's an 8.5 on the Richter scale.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Have you ever noticed the similarities between some TV shows?
|
|
|
|
The U.S.S. Enterprise The Love Boat
|
|
--------------------- -------------
|
|
|
|
Bald Captain Bald Captain
|
|
|
|
Young Wesley is related to a Young Vicki is related to a
|
|
crewmember and works on the ship crewmember and works on the ship
|
|
|
|
Ship's doctor is a main character Ship's doctor is a main character
|
|
|
|
Troi, ship's counselor is sexy, Julie the cruise director is sexy,
|
|
but annoying but annoying
|
|
|
|
Actors stand in front of screen, Actors stand in front of screen,
|
|
upon which is projected upon which is projected background
|
|
background of open space of open sea
|
|
|
|
A dumping ground for second-rate A dumping ground for second-rate
|
|
washed-up guest stars washed-up guest stars
|
|
|
|
Going to strange new worlds Going to strange new ports-of-call
|
|
|
|
Cheesy opening song Cheesy opening song
|
|
|
|
Too many scenes of self-indulgent Too many scenes of self-indulgent
|
|
crap in the holodeck crap in the lounge
|
|
|
|
Socially retarded character with Socially retarded character with
|
|
job description for name (Data) job description for name (Gopher)
|
|
|
|
In late-night syndication In late-night syndication
|
|
|
|
Bad 2-hour pilot Bad 2-hour pilot
|
|
|
|
Enterprise has shuttlecrafts and Love Boat has lifeboats and
|
|
detaching saucer section flotation devices
|
|
|
|
Scenes linked by ship shots Scenes linked by ship shots
|
|
|
|
One character inexplicably One character inexplicably
|
|
replaced then returned (Crusher) replaced, then returned (Julie)
|
|
|
|
After-the-fact bed scenes with After-the-fact bed scenes with
|
|
pointless discussion pointless discussion
|
|
|
|
Captain straightens uniform when Captain straightens uniform when
|
|
disgusted/angry/nervous disgusted/angry/nervous
|
|
|
|
Final scene takes place on trans- Final scene takes place on loading
|
|
porter; crew waves good-bye dock; crew waves good-bye
|
|
|
|
Gene Roddenberry ruled with iron Aaron Spelling rules with iron
|
|
fist, annoying die-hard fans fist, annoying die-hard fans
|
|
|
|
At conventions, everyone is At conventions, everyone is
|
|
dressed like Mr. Spock dressed like Dr. Adam Bricker
|
|
|
|
Captain Picard has useless Isaac the Bartender has useless
|
|
gesture, pointing slightly gesture, pointing slightly
|
|
forward forward
|
|
|
|
Intercrew friction always Intercrew friction always
|
|
resolved within allotted 1 hour resolved within allotted 1 hour
|
|
time slot time slot
|
|
|
|
Thanks to Jack Kolb (with the inside track on Star Trek)
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There was this guy who went to Spain. One day, he goes over to
|
|
the bullfights and watches as the bullfighter kills the bull. After that
|
|
afternoon of excitement, he gets hungry and goes over to a cafe right next
|
|
to the arena of the bullfight. There he looks at the menu, and orders
|
|
the special, "Meatballs." The waiter comes out with 2 huge meatballs
|
|
and the guy eagerly eats it. The bull fight was so interesting, he came
|
|
back the next day and went over to the cafe again to have the delicious
|
|
meatballs. This continued on for 5 or so days, until the guy goes to the
|
|
cafe and the waiter comes out with 2 dinky little balls.
|
|
|
|
"What's wrong with the meatballs? Why are they so small?" asks the
|
|
man.
|
|
|
|
"Well, Senor, sometimes dee bull weens," said the waiter.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You know you're on the phone with a redneck when he says...
|
|
|
|
"Hold on a second, I'll get my computer guy... HEY, BUBBA!"
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
!---!
|
|
! * ! Central Bell CURRENT BILLING: July 1993
|
|
!---!
|
|
|
|
|
|
BASIC SERVICE.......................................................123.35
|
|
_____________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
ACCESS TO INTERSTATE LONG DISTANCE ..................................22.95
|
|
ACCESS TO INTRASTATE LONG DISTANCE ..................................20.95
|
|
ACCESS TO ANY PHONE MORE THAN 3 BLOCKS AWAY .........................19.28
|
|
ACCESS TO YOUR DIAL TONE ............................................13.66
|
|
_____________________________________________________________________________
|
|
!
|
|
DO YOU OWN ! NO: MONTHLY EQUIPMENT RENTAL .......................36.25
|
|
YOUR PHONE? ! x YES: COMPENSATION FOR INCOME LOST
|
|
! TO PEOPLE OWNING THEIR PHONE ...................36.25
|
|
______________!______________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
TELEPHONE BOOK SURCHARGE @ .002 PER NAME IN THE BOOK ................21.37
|
|
LISTING YOUR OWN NAME IN THE PHONE BOOK ..............................5.20
|
|
LISTING YOUR OWN NAME IN THE PHONE BOOK CORRECTLY ...................10.40
|
|
PHONE CORD FEE @ $1/FOOT ............................................14.00
|
|
FEE FOR THE DIGITS ON THE TELEPHONE ($1 FOR #1, $2 FOR #2, ETC) .....45.00
|
|
_____________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
DIRECTORY ASSISTANCE @ $9/EA PLUS $7/EA FOR DISTURBING THE OPERATORS 32.00
|
|
SURCHARGE FOR THE RINGING OF YOUR PHONE ON EACH CALL @ 20c/RING .....23.60
|
|
SURCHARGE TO DEFRAY COSTS OF APPLYING TO THE PUC FOR NEW RATE HIKES .14.88
|
|
OOPS! ALMOST FORGOT/CHARGES FOR THE PHONE CALLS THEMSELVES .........242.96
|
|
|
|
_____________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
TOTAL CHARGES DUE ........653.13
|
|
_____________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
|
|
THANK YOU FOR DOING BUSINESS WITH US...BUT THEN WHAT CHOICE DO YOU HAVE?
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
|
|
|
|
You've ever cut your grass and found a car.
|
|
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
|
|
You own a homemade fur coat.
|
|
You burn your front yard instead of mow it.
|
|
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
|
|
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
|
|
When describing your kids, you use the phrase "dumb as a brick."
|
|
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
|
|
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
|
|
You've ever given rat traps as a gift.
|
|
You always answer the front door with a baseball bat in your hand.
|
|
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
|
|
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
|
|
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
|
|
You've never paid for a haircut.
|
|
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
|
|
The taillight covers on your car are made of tape.
|
|
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
|
|
You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
|
|
You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.
|
|
Your kid takes a siphon hose to "Show & Tell."
|
|
You've ever bought a used cap.
|
|
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
|
|
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
|
|
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
|
|
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
|
|
You can entertain yourself for more than 1 hour with a fly swatter.
|
|
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
|
|
Your baby's favorite teething ring is a garden hose.
|
|
Your pocket knife has ever been refered to as "Exhibit A."
|
|
Your wife ever burned out an electric razor.
|
|
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
|
|
Your Xmas cards include a Xerox copy of your butt.
|
|
Your bumper stick says "My other car is a combine."
|
|
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
|
|
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
|
|
People are scared to touch your bathrobe.
|
|
You list your parole officer as a reference.
|
|
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Job Performance Appraisal
|
|
|
|
PERFORMANCE DEGREES
|
|
|
|
PERFORMANCE FACTORS:
|
|
----- Far Exceeds Job Requirements
|
|
----- Exceeds Job Requirements
|
|
----- Meets Job Requirements
|
|
----- Does Not Meet Minimum Requirements
|
|
|
|
QUALITY:
|
|
----- Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.
|
|
----- Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings.
|
|
----- Can only leap over short buildings or medium with no spirals.
|
|
----- Crashes into buildings when attempting to jump over them.
|
|
----- Cannot recognize buildings at all what's more cannot jump.
|
|
|
|
TIMELINESS:
|
|
----- Is faster than a speeding bullet.
|
|
----- Is as fast as a speeding bullet.
|
|
----- Not as fast as a speeding bullet.
|
|
----- Would you believe a slow bullet.
|
|
----- Wounds self with bullet when attempting to shoot.
|
|
|
|
INITIATIVE:
|
|
----- Is stronger than a locomotive.
|
|
----- Is stronger than a bull elephant.
|
|
----- Is stronger than a bull.
|
|
----- Shoots the bull.
|
|
----- Smells like a bull.
|
|
|
|
ADAPTIBILITY:
|
|
----- Walks on water.
|
|
----- Walks on water in emergencies.
|
|
----- Washes with water.
|
|
----- Drinks water.
|
|
----- Passes water in emergencies.
|
|
|
|
COMMUNICATION:
|
|
----- Talks with God.
|
|
----- Talks with the Angels.
|
|
----- Talks to himself.
|
|
----- Argues with himself.
|
|
----- Loses arguments with self.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
DETERIORATA (With apologies to Desiderata)
|
|
-
|
|
GO PLACIDLY AMID THE NOISE & WASTE. REMEMBER WHAT COMFORT THERE MAY BE IN
|
|
OWNING A PIECE THEREOF.
|
|
-
|
|
AVOID QUIET & PASSIVE PERSONS UNLESS YOU ARE IN NEED OF SLEEP.
|
|
-
|
|
ROTATE YOUR TIRES.
|
|
-
|
|
SPEAK GLOWINGLY OF THOSE GREATER THAN YOURSELF AND HEED WELL THIER ADVICE
|
|
EVEN THOUGH THEY BE TURKEYS.
|
|
-
|
|
KNOW WHAT TO KISS & WHEN.
|
|
-
|
|
CONSIDER THAT TWO WRONGS NEVER MAKE A RIGHT BUT THAT THREE DO.
|
|
-
|
|
WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PUT PEOPLE ON HOLD.
|
|
-
|
|
BE COMFORTED THAT IN THE FACE OF ALL ARIDITY & DISILLUSIONMENT
|
|
AND DESPITE THE CHANGING OF FORTUNES OF TIME, THERE IS
|
|
ALWAYS A BIG FORTUNE IN COMPUTER MAINTAINENCE.
|
|
-
|
|
REMEMBER THE PUEBLO.
|
|
-
|
|
STRIVE AT ALL TIMES TO BEND, FOLD, SPINDLE & MUTILATE.
|
|
-
|
|
KNOW YOURSELF; IF YOU NEED HELP, CALL THE F.B.I.
|
|
-
|
|
EXERCISE CAUTION IN YOUR DAILY AFFAIRS, ESPECIALLY WITH THOSE PEOPLE
|
|
CLOSEST TO YOU. THAT LEMON ON YOUR LEFT, FOR INSTANCE.
|
|
-
|
|
BE ASSURED THAT A WALK THROUGH THE OCEANS OF MOST SOULS WOULD SCARCELY GET
|
|
YOUR FEET WET.
|
|
-
|
|
FALL NOT IN LOVE THEREFORE, IT WILL STICK TO YOUR FACE.
|
|
-
|
|
GRACEFULLY SURRENDER THE THINGS OF YOUTH, BIRDS, CLEAN AIR, TUNA, TAIWAN;
|
|
AND LET NOT THE SANDS OF TIME GET IN YOUR LUNCH.
|
|
-
|
|
HIRE PEOPLE WITH HOOKS.
|
|
-
|
|
FOR A GOOD TIME CALL 606-4311, ASK FOR KEN.
|
|
-
|
|
TAKE HEART AMID THE DEEPENING GLOOM THAT YOUR DOG IS FINALLY GETTING
|
|
ENOUGH CHEESE; AND REFLECT THAT WHATEVER MISFORTUNE MAY BE YOUR LOT, IT
|
|
COULD ONLY BE WORSE IN MILWAUKEE.
|
|
-
|
|
YOU ARE A FLUKE OF THE UNIVERSE; YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE HERE, AND WHETHER
|
|
YOU CAN HEAR IT OR NOT, THE UNIVERSE IS LAUGHING BEHIND YOUR BACK.
|
|
THEREFORE MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR GOD WHATEVER YOU CONCEIVE HIM TO BE; HAIRY
|
|
THUNDERER OR COSMIC MUFFIN.
|
|
-
|
|
WITH ALL ITS HOPES, DREAMS, PROMISES & URBAN RENEWAL, THE WORLD CONTINUES
|
|
TO DETERIORATE.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLACK WHO:
|
|
|
|
Spent four days in Sears looking for wheels for a miscarriage?
|
|
Took his expectant wife to the grocery store because they had free
|
|
delivery?
|
|
Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game?
|
|
Put iodine on his paycheck because he got a cut in pay?
|
|
Was so lazy he married a pregnant woman?
|
|
Thought asphalt was rectum trouble?
|
|
Wouldn't go out with his wife because he heard she was married?
|
|
Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period?
|
|
Thought "no kidding" meant birth control?
|
|
Studied for five days to take a urine test?
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Subject: Real Programmers
|
|
-
|
|
Real Programmers don't eat quiche.
|
|
In Fact, real programmers can't even spell quiche. They eat Twinkies,
|
|
Szechwan [sic] food, and drink Pabst.
|
|
-
|
|
Real Programmers don't write specs.
|
|
Users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs that work at
|
|
all -- and take what they get.
|
|
-
|
|
Real Programmers don't comment their code.
|
|
If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
|
|
-
|
|
Real Programmers don't write application programs.
|
|
They program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for
|
|
accounting feebs who can't do systems programming.
|
|
-
|
|
Real Programmers don't write COBOL.
|
|
COBOL is for wimpy application programmers.
|
|
-
|
|
Real Programmers don't write FORTRAN.
|
|
FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and cyrstallography weenies.
|
|
-
|
|
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in
|
|
BASIC after the age of 12.
|
|
-
|
|
Real Programmers don't write in PL/1.
|
|
PL/1 is for those twinks who can't decide whether to write in FORTRAN or
|
|
COBOL.
|
|
-
|
|
Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or C, or any of
|
|
those pinko computer science languages.
|
|
Strong typing is for people with weak memories.
|
|
-
|
|
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time.
|
|
But if real programmers can get their supervisor to throw them on the
|
|
machine and everyone else off, their programs can be patched into working
|
|
in 'only a few' 30 hour debugging sessions.
|
|
-
|
|
Real Programmers don't document.
|
|
Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings or the object deck.
|
|
-
|
|
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or racket ball, or any other sport
|
|
that requires them to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real
|
|
programmers will wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain
|
|
should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
|
|
-
|
|
Real Programmers don't work 9 to 5.
|
|
If any real programmers are around at 9 AM, it's because they were there
|
|
all night
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two girls were roommates.
|
|
|
|
One evening, Millie came running in, shedding clothes on the
|
|
way to the bathroom.
|
|
|
|
She yelled, "Hurry up Tillie, get ready for our date!"
|
|
|
|
Tillie didn't know anything about the date and said so.
|
|
|
|
Millie explained that she'd met two really great looking
|
|
guys and had made dates for both of them for that evening.
|
|
|
|
Tillie said, "I'm not going out on any more blind dates."
|
|
|
|
"Why not?"
|
|
|
|
"They're always the same," said Tillie, "It's sex, sex, sex!
|
|
Nothing but a pain in the ass!"
|
|
|
|
Millie looked at her in disbelief and exclaimed, "Honey,
|
|
you're doing it wrong!"
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
DEAR (Your Choice)
|
|
|
|
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this
|
|
year, and if you are, I will have some special treats for you this year at
|
|
XMAS.
|
|
|
|
I cannot promise you all the gifts from the twelve days of XMAS this year
|
|
as the twelve fiddlers have all come down with the clap from fiddling with
|
|
the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a-leaping have knocked up the
|
|
eight maids a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for
|
|
doing weird things with the seven swans a-swiming. The six geese alaying,
|
|
four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and that damn
|
|
partridge in the pear tree have me up to my ass in bird shit.
|
|
|
|
On top of that, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reinder
|
|
are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation Front, and those
|
|
stupid polacks have scheduled Xmas for 5 February.
|
|
|
|
SANTA
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck when people see your porch and
|
|
think you're having a yard sale.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Soon after the Texas Aggie clocked in for work, the foreman
|
|
called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the
|
|
front office. When the Aggie returned, he had a mournful
|
|
expression on his face and his head hyng low. His foreman
|
|
noticed and asked if he had recieved bad news.
|
|
"Shure was Boss" he replied, "I just found out that my mother
|
|
died earlier this morning. "Gosh, thats awful," replied the foreman
|
|
"Do you want the rest of the day off?"
|
|
"No," replied the Aggie. "I'll finish the day out."
|
|
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that
|
|
there was another phone call for him up front. This time when the Aggie
|
|
returned he looked twice as glum and the foreman asked if everything
|
|
was alright. "Jezz, Boss this has to be the worst day of my life," moaned
|
|
the Aggie. "That was my brother, and his mother died today too!"
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There was this frog on a lily pad, in the middle of a pond,
|
|
surrounded by alligators. He didn't want to be eaten but he couldn't
|
|
think of a way to get to edge of the pond without being gobbled up.
|
|
Then, as he was about to give up, he looked up. Up in a tree was an owl.
|
|
|
|
He called to the owl and asked, "Mr. Owl, I am stuck on a lily pad in
|
|
the middle of this pond, surrounded by alligators. How can I get to the
|
|
edge of the pond without being eaten?"
|
|
|
|
The owl looked down at the frog and said, "Well Mr. Frog, it is
|
|
obvious. You should fly off your lily pad to the edge of the pond."
|
|
|
|
Hearing this, the frog began to flap his arms frantically. He then
|
|
leaped into the air so as to fly to the edge of the pond. But instead he
|
|
fell right into the open mouth of a nearby alligator.
|
|
|
|
Just before the alligator closed his mouth, the frog shouted up to the
|
|
owl in the tree, "Mr. Owl, didn't you know that frogs can't fly?"
|
|
|
|
The owl responded, "I do concepts, not implementation."
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
This man walks in a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey Joe, how about
|
|
fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"
|
|
|
|
Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter?"
|
|
|
|
The Man says, "Well, my son has just come home from college and I found
|
|
out he's gay."
|
|
|
|
Joe says, "Man that's terrible," and gives the man his whiskey and beer.
|
|
|
|
Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the bar... He walks in and
|
|
says, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and
|
|
8 bottles of beer?"
|
|
|
|
Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter this time?"
|
|
|
|
The man says, "Well my other boy just come home from college and I
|
|
found out that HE'S gay."
|
|
|
|
Joe says, "Man, that's a damn shame," and fixes him up with
|
|
the beer and whiskey.
|
|
|
|
Three weeks go by and the man comes bursting through the doors and
|
|
says, "Joe, I want you to fix me up with every f*cking drink you got
|
|
in the house!"
|
|
|
|
Joe says, "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family love women?"
|
|
|
|
The man says, "Yeah, I just found out my wife does..."
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The dare devil stunt woman had lost her balance. The psychiatrist
|
|
was attempting to establish a friendly relationship to facilitate
|
|
treatment.
|
|
|
|
"Tell me about your work," he said. "What do you do?"
|
|
|
|
"Well," said the stunt woman, "I jump off cliffs, I wrestle
|
|
man-eating lions, I swim under water for fifteen minutes at a
|
|
time and jump out of moving helicopters."
|
|
|
|
"My gosh! How to you manage to *live*?"
|
|
|
|
"I take in laundry."
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave
|
|
the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him
|
|
to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the
|
|
priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him
|
|
what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
|
|
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have
|
|
sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed
|
|
adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest:
|
|
"Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few
|
|
minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father
|
|
forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Woman: "I
|
|
committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times."
|
|
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
|
|
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
|
|
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I
|
|
have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery."
|
|
Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Just once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more
|
|
times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if your sister stands you up for a
|
|
date to go out with your Dad!
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Pointing to the bear rug on his den floor, a hunter told a friend, "I
|
|
got this one in Canada. It was either him or me."
|
|
The friend said, "Well, he makes a better rug!"
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Four Indian chiefs went into a restaurant for a bite. The
|
|
maitre d' asked, "Do you have a reservation?"
|
|
One Indian chief answered, "Certainly. In Arizona!"
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
CHURCH BLOOPERS:
|
|
|
|
Wednesday at 7:30 there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
|
|
Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please meet with the
|
|
minister in his study.
|
|
|
|
All members are invited to a potluck supper on Wednesday at 6:00.
|
|
Prayer and medication will follow.
|
|
|
|
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
|
|
of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
|
|
|
|
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
|
|
community.
|
|
|
|
Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m.
|
|
Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
|
|
|
|
A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church
|
|
basement. Music will follow.
|
|
|
|
Tuesday at 5 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
|
|
giving milk, please come early.
|
|
|
|
This being Easter, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay
|
|
an egg on the altar.
|
|
|
|
The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the
|
|
choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
|
|
|
|
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his
|
|
audience.
|
|
|
|
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
|
|
nursery downstairs.
|
|
|
|
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north
|
|
ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
|
|
|
|
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister
|
|
the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the
|
|
service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging
|
|
of the Greens.
|
|
|
|
The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in
|
|
the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited
|
|
to attend this tragedy.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There's this guy in a bar that's saying he knows everybody, and will bet
|
|
anybody on it. So this guy walks up and says, "I bet you don't know Burt
|
|
Rynolds." He says come on, they hop a plane to Florida, show up at
|
|
Burt's door and Burt says, "Hi Bubba, how have you been? Come on in!"
|
|
|
|
On the flight back home the guy says, "I'll bet you another $100 you
|
|
don't know Bill Clinton." So they catch a flight to D.C. Sure enough
|
|
the walk into the oval office and Bill says "Hi Bubba, what are you
|
|
doing here? It's real nice to see you again!"
|
|
|
|
On the flight back home he says to Bubba,"I'll bet you double or
|
|
nothing you don't know the Pope." Bubba says "Look I don't really
|
|
want to take your money, me and the Pope go back a long way.
|
|
Really, pick somebody else." Figuring he's got Bubba on this
|
|
one, he insists, so they board a plane for Rome.
|
|
|
|
When they get to Vatican City, Bubba tells the guy, "Look, they aren't
|
|
going to let you in here with me. Stand right here and in 10 minutes I'll
|
|
be on that balcony with the Pope." After a little squabble he agrees.
|
|
Sure enough 10 mins. later there's Bubba on the balcony with the Pope.
|
|
|
|
Bubba looks down to see the guy passed out on the ground. He runs down
|
|
to see what's wrong and the guy says, "OK, you know Burt Rynolds, you know
|
|
the President, but when the guy behind me said, 'Hey, who's that guy up
|
|
there with Bubba' I passed out!"
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A rancher owned 900 cows and three bulls. The biggest bull had 500 cows,
|
|
the middle bull 300 and the smallest had 100.
|
|
One day they overheard the rancher talking about getting a new bull. The
|
|
biggest bull said, "I ain't giving up any of mine, so you two be ready to
|
|
lose some of yours." The middle one said he wasn't giving up any, and so
|
|
did the smallest bull.
|
|
|
|
Several days later, a cattle truck pulled into the pasture and stopped.
|
|
Right away it began shaking and rocking until the entire rear came flying
|
|
off and our roared the biggest, meanest brama bull ever seen.
|
|
|
|
The three bulls looked at it in amazement and the big bull said, "Oh heck,
|
|
I may be willing to share some of my cows." The middle bull agreed.
|
|
|
|
The smallest bull began pawing the ground and snorting. The biggest bull
|
|
looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? look at the size of that sucker!"
|
|
|
|
The small bull answered, "I don't want to fight him. I just want to make
|
|
sure he knows I'm not a cow!"
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
During the 7-day Arab-Israeli war, the opposing armies were camped
|
|
extremely close to one another on the first night of the war. One
|
|
Israeli yelled out: "Hey Abdul, are you there?" On the Arab side, Abdul
|
|
stood up and said "Yeah?" The Israelis took out their machine guns and
|
|
mowed down Abdul.
|
|
|
|
The second night, another Israeli yelled out, "Hey Mohammed, are you
|
|
there?" On the Arab side, Mohammed stood up and said "Yeah?" The
|
|
Israelis took out their machine guns and mowed down Mohammed.
|
|
|
|
On the third night, the Arabs got smart. One of them yelled "Hey Moshe,
|
|
are you there?" The Israelis yelled back, "No, Moshe isn't here but is
|
|
that you, Achmed?" Achmed stood up and said "Yeah?" and the Israelis
|
|
took out the machine guns and mowed down Achmed.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
|
|
|
|
"Oh dear, now the chef has no meat to put in your entree!"
|
|
|
|
"You mean that you didn't order the Chef's Surprise soup, sir?"
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
***** THE BELCHING DRAGON RESTAURANT MENU *****
|
|
|
|
50 Lbs Rice With Every Order Free can soda with orders over $100.
|
|
|
|
Chinese Food To Eat In Or Take Out
|
|
|
|
Soups
|
|
Dropped Egg Soup................1.75
|
|
* One Ton Soup....................1.75
|
|
Hot & Scalding Soup.............2.25
|
|
Ten Ingredients Water...........3.25
|
|
Sweet and Salmonella Soup.......2.95
|
|
* Chinese Fire Drill Soup.........2.50
|
|
* Happy Bacteria Cup..............2.50
|
|
|
|
Appetizers
|
|
Steam-Cleaned Dumplings.........3.95
|
|
* Burn Your Tongue Platter........8.95
|
|
Barbecued Bear Ribs.............6.30
|
|
* Scallion Cow Pancakes (For Two) 2.95
|
|
MSG With Orange Flavor..........4.95
|
|
|
|
Noodles
|
|
* Cellophane Noodles with
|
|
Styrofoam Peanuts...............5.50
|
|
Cold Noodles in Sesame Sauce....3.50
|
|
Some Glum Noodles...............8.25
|
|
No Fun Noodles..................4.75
|
|
|
|
Pork
|
|
New Shoe Pork...................6.75
|
|
Roasted Pork in Shriner Hat.....6.95
|
|
Recently Shampooed Pork.........6.95
|
|
Andrew Diced Pork...............9.75
|
|
* Roast Pork Puppy Chow...........7.25
|
|
* Porky Pig Cartoonese Style......7.50
|
|
Pork And Mindy..................6.75
|
|
|
|
Vegetables
|
|
* Broccoli in Human Sauce.........5.95
|
|
Shredded Documents
|
|
with Peking sauce.............5.25
|
|
* Bean Crud with
|
|
Special Rotting Fungus.........6.25
|
|
* Snow Shovel with Peas...........7.75
|
|
Egg Neil Young
|
|
Green Beans with
|
|
Black Bean Sauce..............4.95
|
|
Black Beans with
|
|
Green Bean Suace..............5.95
|
|
Eggplant Prepared Under
|
|
Mysterious Circumstances......5.95
|
|
* Baby Corn with Adoption Papers..4.95
|
|
Vegetables with
|
|
Tingling Horse Flavor.........5.50
|
|
|
|
Poultry
|
|
San Diego Chicken
|
|
with Pine Tar..................6.25
|
|
Battering Ram Chicken...........6.25
|
|
Peeking Daffy Duck..............7.50
|
|
* Lemon Pledge Chicken............6.25
|
|
Amazing Talking Chicken.........8.75
|
|
* Tongue Licked Duck..............7.50
|
|
Chicken & Grief.................6.25
|
|
Duck Edwing Prepared in
|
|
Questionable Taste............6.25
|
|
* Chicken Escaping With Wings.....7.75
|
|
Mocked Duck.....................7.25
|
|
* General Schwarzkopf Chicken.....6.75
|
|
Goofy Grinning Chicken..........6.75
|
|
Innocent Bystander Chicken......6.25
|
|
Moo Goo Guy Williams............8.75
|
|
* Moo Goo Guy Molinari............8.25
|
|
Moo Goo Guy Pan & Teller
|
|
in Disappearing Sauce..........4.50
|
|
|
|
Beef
|
|
Air-Dropped Beef................6.85
|
|
Double Chin Beef................6.85
|
|
* Beef with More Beef.............7.75
|
|
* Carnage Of Beef.................6.85
|
|
Sizzling Wanton Beef............6.85
|
|
Beef And Dried Pepper
|
|
Spilled on Lap.................9.25
|
|
Beef with Bad News..............8.85
|
|
* Great Barrier Beef..............6.85
|
|
* What's Your Beef................7.25
|
|
|
|
Seafood
|
|
Squished Eel Delight............8.50
|
|
* Shrimp with Alibi...............8.25
|
|
Young Dead Fish.................9.25
|
|
Crispy Fish with
|
|
Discarded Needle...............9.95
|
|
* Prawns in L.L. Bean Sauce.......7.50
|
|
Aromatic Octopus On Wheels.....10.50
|
|
Force Fed Shrimp................7.75
|
|
* Flounder with Water Pistol......8.95
|
|
|
|
Desserts
|
|
Unfortunate Cookies.............2.50
|
|
Sweet Fried Rolaids.............3.95
|
|
Ice Cream with Garlic Sauce.....2.75
|
|
* Boneless Pudding................3.50
|
|
Chicken Almond Ring Ding........3.95
|
|
|
|
CHEF'S SPECIALS
|
|
Sesame Streeet Duck..............11.75
|
|
Choice chunks of undernourished fowl
|
|
pelted with waterchestnuts and stir-
|
|
fried in a sizzling wok by popular
|
|
Muppets.
|
|
|
|
Overpriced Happy Family..........14.25
|
|
Scallops, crabmeat and psychotropic
|
|
mushrooms sauteed with fresh chef's
|
|
thumbs and served on a Sealy
|
|
Posturpedic.
|
|
|
|
Tienanmen Square Beef............17.75
|
|
Oppressed young beef, severely battered,
|
|
crushed with bamboo shoots and brutally
|
|
smothered as you watch from your table
|
|
on a big screen.
|
|
|
|
Health Inspector's Seafood Delight......FREE!!!
|
|
Fresh lobster, shrimp and prawns expertly
|
|
prepared in the clean Mexican restaurant
|
|
down the block, brought in through our
|
|
back door and served with a crisp fifty
|
|
dollar bill rolled in a napkin.
|
|
(Must be ordered in advance.)
|
|
|
|
Cashier will change shirt at your request.
|
|
|
|
* = May not be edible
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Drinkwiski is working at the lumberyard pushing a tree through the buzz
|
|
saw when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to
|
|
the emergency room. The doctor takes a look and goes, "Yuck! Well, give
|
|
me the fingers and I'll see what I can do." Drinkwiski says, "I haven't
|
|
got the fingers. "
|
|
|
|
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? Its 1993!
|
|
We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques! We could
|
|
have put them back on and made you like new! WHY didnt you bring the
|
|
fingers???"
|
|
|
|
Drinkwiski says, "Well, geez doc, I couldnt pick 'em up."
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|