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212 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
212 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
MEN VS. WOMEN
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RELATIONSHIPS:
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First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to
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it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."
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When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
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girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she
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will get on with her life.
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A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup- at 3
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am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let
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you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and
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you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us."
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This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all
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men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to
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help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.
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SEX:
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Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
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Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as
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part of the foreplay.
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MATURITY:
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Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as
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adults.
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Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other
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wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
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HATS:Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
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AT THE ZOO:
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According to Jerry Steinfeld the difference between men and women can be seen at the Zoo in the
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monkey house in the reaction men and women have to reactions of monkey antics like lice picking,
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scurrying around, screaming and playing with themselves in public:
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Women go, "Oh that is disgusting, I can't watch this and leave."
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Meanwhile the guys are thinking, "Hey, I could do that."
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COMEDY:
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Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, andan episode of
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"The Three Stooges" comes on:
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Immediately, the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate
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the actions of Curly, inevitably every man's favorite Stooge.
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The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.
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HANDWRITING:
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To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
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chicken-scratch.
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Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
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circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
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and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
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she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
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BATHROOMS:
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A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving
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cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
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The average number of items in a typiical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would
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not be able to identify most of these items.
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MAGAZINES:
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Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
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Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the
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female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy
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and should not be seen by the light of day.
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GROCERIES:
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A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys
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these things.
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A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon,
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and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything
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that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is
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packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of course,
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this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
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GOING OUT:
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When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.
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When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be readyto go
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out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting onher makeup...
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SHOES:
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When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip
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into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from
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Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes
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later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.
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A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.
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LEG WARMERS:
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Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the
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dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
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A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball"
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number in "A Chorus Line."
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CATS:
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Women love cats.
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Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
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MIRRORS:
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Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
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Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface
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-- mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...
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GARAGES:
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Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
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Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they
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watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.
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MOVIES:
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For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh
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for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
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For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in
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"Public Enemy."
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JEWELRY:
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Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
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A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more thanthat, and he will look like
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a lounge singer named Vic.
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MENOPAUSE:
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When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
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emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the
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changes varies with the individual.
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Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a
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snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive
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foreign sports car.
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THE TELEPHONE:
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Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send
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short messages to other people.
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A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
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will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
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LOW BLOWS:
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Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one
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of the fighters is felled by a low blow:
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The woman says, "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
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The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.
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DIRECTIONS:
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If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar
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surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
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Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for
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directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things
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like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and,"I know I'm in the
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neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."
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ADMITTING MISTAKES:
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Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
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The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer.
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RICHARD GERE:
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Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
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Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club
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and dates only married women.
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OFFSPRING:
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Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
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appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods
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and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
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A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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PLANTS:
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A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
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The man will water the plants.
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The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
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No one knows why this happens.
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MUSTACHES:
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Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
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There are no women who look good with mustaches.
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NICKNAMES:
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With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
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like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
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If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
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will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
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But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
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refer to each other as Peckerhead, Dickbreath, and Scumbag.
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