mirror-textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_pro.spe

	       Real Programmers Don't Write Specs
 
Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves
lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
 
Real Programmers don't comment their code.  If it was hard to write,
it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.
 
Real Programmers don't write application programs; they program right
down on the bare metal.  Application programming is for feebs who
can't do systems programming.
 
Real Programmers don't eat quiche.  In fact, real programmers don't
know how to SPELL quiche. They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan food.
 
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL.  COBOL is for wimpy
applications programmers.
 
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time.  But if
you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in
"only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
 
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress
freaks and crystallography weenies.
 
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5.  If any real programmers are
around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.
 
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write
in BASIC, after the age of 12.
 
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who
can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
 
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
spring up in the middle of the machine room.
 
Real Programmers don't document.  Documentation is for simps who can't
read the listings or the object deck.
 
Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of
those pinko computer science languages.  Strong typing is for people
with weak memories.

Real Programmers only write specs for languages that might run on 
future hardware.  Noboby trusts them to write specs for anything
homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.

Real Programmers don't play tennis or any  other  sport  which  requires
a change of clothes.  Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers
often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
spring up in the middle of the machine room.

Real Programmers spend 70\% of their work day fiddling around and then get
more done in the other 30\% than a user could get done in a week.

Real Programmers are surprised when the odometers in their cars 
don't turn from 99999 to 9999A.

Real Programmers are concerned with the aesthetics of their craft; they
will writhe in pain at shabby workmanship in a piece of code.

Real Programmers will defend to the death the virtues of a certain piece of
peripheral equipment, especially their lifeline, the terminal.

Real Programmers never use hard copy terminals, they never use terminals
that run at less than 9600 baud, they never use a terminal at less than
its maximum practical speed.

Real Programmers think they know the answers to your problems, and will
happily tell them to you rather than answer your questions.

Real Programmers never program in COBOL, money is no object.

Real Programmers never right justify text that will be read on a
fixed-character-width medium.

Real Programmers wear hiking boots only when it's much too cold to wear
sandals.  When it's only too cold, they wear socks with their sandals.

Real Programmers don't think that they should get paid at all for their
work, but they know that they're worth every penny that they do make.

Real Programmers log in first thing in the morning, last thing before they
go to sleep, and stay logged in for lots of time in between.

Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are after all, the
illerate's form of documentation. 

Real Programmers don't use Macs.  Computers which draw cute little 
pictures are for wimps.

Real Programmers don't read manuals.  Reliance on a reference 
is the hallmark of a novice and a coward.

Real Programmers don't write in COBOL.   COBOL is for gum chewing 
twits who maintain ancient payroll programs.

Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for wimpy 
engineers who wear white socks.  The get excited over finite state
analysis and nuclear reactor simulations.

Real Programmers don't write in Modula-2.  Modula-2 is for insecure
analretentives who can't choose between Pascal and COBOL.

Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can
be written on one line.

Real Programmers don't write in Lisp.  Only effeminate programmers use
more parentheses than actual code.

Real Programmers don't write in Pascal, Ada or any of those other 
pinko computer science languages.  Strong variable typing is for
people with weak memories.

Real Programmers distain structured programming.  Structured programming
is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained.  They
wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear
desk.

Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic.  The decimal point was
invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to think big.

Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all
in every Real Program.  Some candyass architectures won't allow EXECUTE 
instructions to address another EXECUTE instruction as the target
instruction.  Real Programmers despise petty restrictions.
 
Real Programmers Don't use PL/I.  PL/I is for insecure momma's boys  who 
can't  choose between Cobol and Fortran.
 
Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept.  Unless, of 
course, they are the Chief Programmer.
 
Real Programmers have no use for managers.  Managers are sometimes a
necessary evil.  Managers are good for dealing with personnel bozos, 
bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.
 
Real programmers ignore schedules.
 
Real Programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to work.  If the vending
machine sells it, they eat it.  If the vending machine doesn't sell it,
they don't eat it. 

Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.

Real Programmers use C since it's the easiest language to spell.

Real Programmers don't use symbolic debuggers, who needs symbols.

Real Programmers only curse at inanimate objects.