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Houston Blinkie Letter
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------dctober 7 American Nihilist Underground Society 1989
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ssue One Number 1 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Welcome
-------
Welcome to all readers of HBL! This is a magazine dedicated to the study and pilfering of the common species of night-time safety flasher, otherwise known as a "blinkie." These ingenious devices have been found all over most American cities and towns, usually near construction. Since they're easy and fun to steal, most ANUS members posess at least one.
This magazine supports the theft of and distribution of information about blinkies, and we encourage those of you interested in late-night adventure to read on.
Common Theft/by CC
------------------
The easiest way to get a blinkie is to steal it. In Houston, this is most fun, because (a) Houston cops love beating on kids, and (b) what the hell else can you do in Houston? There are basically three steps to pilfering blinkies: scouting, preparation and theft. The execution of each with attention to detail is necessary, since one slip-up can mean a police shoe in the balls or face. I'll summarize in the following paragraph. For those of you who want more info, read my extensive file on the subject. It's up on some (puke) Houston Apple boards.
scouting- Take a drive, and look for blinkies in secluded areas with basically a good escape route. Avoid major streets with lots of cars with light bars. Check out the blinkies, too, and make sure they're in fairly good condition. No one wants a looser blinkie. Best places to look are around construction sites or pothole-infested streets. There'll be at least one cache in your area.
preparation- Get together an alibi for your parents, your tools, clothes, means of transport and blinkie bag. The easiest way is to stay at a friend's house, or to work on a SafeRides project or similar late-night endeavor. Your parents will either trust you, or check up on you and want a phone number. In Houston, finding one is easy, since any number in the 234 exchange is always busy. Your parents will never figure it out. Your tools may vary, depending on the blinkie type(s) and area. Clothes are easy: shorts/jeans depending on weather, a dark polo or concert shirt and good shoes, such as battered sneakers but not something obvious like combat boots. No camo. Find yourself some means of transportation, like your own car (easy) or a friend who also suffers (?) from kleptomania. Also, pick up a blinkie bag, such as a canvas sack or thick backpack on your way out.
theft- Go late at night, and park your car nearby. Jump out, turn off and unscrew the blinkies, and lay them in a safe spot. Collect them in your blinkie bag, and sprint back to your car. The whole thing should take less than fifteen minutes. Move on to next site.
As you can see, the process is not that hard. Go for it. It's not that dangerous, except that sometimes Houston cops will try to seriously dick you around, rape you if you're drunk, or just kickbox your testicles. The answer is not to go in your car. If they accost you, run. Remember the song: "Over the fence and through the woods to Grandmother's house we go..." Easy.
Common Tools
------------
There are several types of bolts you must be prepared to deal with.
Joke Bolt
This is your common octagonal bolt. A generic socket wrench with a 19 mm / .75 inch cup will easily take off this puppy. Since these bolts are so incredibly lame, the Creators of Blinkies have put little "safe sex" cups around them. Who cares? You socket wrench should easily fit inside it.
Figure Eight Bolt
As the name implies, this bolt looks like a figure eight. It appears that a specialized tool is needed for this one, but figure on needle-nose pliers working just as well.
Penis Bolt
This bolt has a round, circumcised head with a pentagon cut in the tip. In the middle of this pentagon is a circular protrusion. Beats me what kind of tool get this one, but the bolts suck, and as a result do not tighten completely, and these blinkies can usually be wrestled off in less than two minutes.
Incredibly Easy Bolt
This is an octagonal bolt with sheath, usually sticking straight out of the sawhorse the blinkie is on. Give it a good jerk, or just crank it with your hands.
These bolts are used to secure blinkies to wood or plastic sawhorses, barrels, signs or barricades. Since construction workers have to move them, too, the bolts are usually accessed with a easily-availible tool (at least to construction workers). This fact works for you, since whatever they can get we can make/fake/steal.
That's it, and good luck! If you need more info, call one of the ANUS boards in Houston when they go back up and we'll be glad to hold a workshop for you!
Recent runs
-----------
Recent runs by Houston ANUS members or members-in-training netted a total of twenty five blinkies over a two-weekend period. Naturally, this sucks, but since most of us attend seriously evil schools, work has slowed us down a bit.
Captain Crapp, Chromatic Death and Royal Flush snagged ten red blinkies in a recent run trying out a new location, and pronounced the area to be "sweet."
Safe Areas In Houston
---------------------
Memorial Drive from Fondren to Voss- This area is full of beautiful, blue blinkies. Since the people who live here are financially secure in a big way, the city put their best out. The best time to go is three-thirty A.M. to five o'clock, since at this time there are few cars and pig ("police") patrols drop off to infrequent. As you go down Memorial eastbound, select a side street (they're all residential) and park there. Walk along, loosening and turning off blinkies. Then, grab the bag and get 'em all. These blinkies are prime Valdez blues, with Hercules Industrial Strength batteries.
Voss- Red blinkie city. These aren't in as good shape as the ones on Memorial, but there are plenty of them and many more side streets. Snag them late at night, and don't worry too much about pigs. There are no donut shops in the area. Your easiest way out is the freeway, but Voss also runs straight down to Westheimer.
Post Oak at I-10- This area is a massive construction project, and has tons of red blinkies. It is almost completely safe, since the construction is an acre triangle surrounded on two sides by freeways. If anyone shines a light in your face, run deep into the construction. There are a plethora of hiding places and you cannot be seen from the road. Turn off your blinkies and you will not get caught. The best time to go is as soon as it gets really dark.
Tanglewood- This area is off of San Felipe, and has many small, one- or two-blinkie streets. Scout beforehand and be out quick.
River Oaks- Surprise! This area is undergoing construction for the rich fat cats, and as a result various natures of blinkies are appearing on cheapshit plastic sawhorses. Simply unscrew the cheap plastic flap that secures the blinkie to the sawhorse, and load up your vehicle. The River Oaks Police aren't; they are just security guards. Mud up your license plate and head out there. Be careful, however, since most residents have millions of dollars worth of useless shit (faux art, stereo equipment, dogs, children) stuffed in their mansions, and most are paranoid.
Other News
----------
Houston's two big construction projects are winding down, but more are soon to come. The beautiful thing about this fact is that the new ones promise to be in decently sleazy neighborhoods where the pigs don't patrol! Remember, no donut shop -- no police protection.
Definitions
-----------
Over the years, a definite vocabulary has evolved. Here are a few definitions:
blinkie- small, blinking object found at construction site. Also: Hamster in microwave.
pig- police officer, peace officer, officer, motherfucker, dickweed, protector, jackoff...whatever you want to call them, this is simply a euphemism for "asshole with a gun and a badge."
pigmo- police car.
bingos- lights on top of said car.
bacon rinds- off-duty "pigs." (see above)
baco-bits- security guards pretending they're cops.
dink- citizen who screams at you for stealing blinkies from his yard.
rent- an older relative who asks you where you're going.
flick- common hand signal for communicating with "pigs."
sweetness- an area populated with blinkies or pussy you happen to pick up on the way.
brew- post-run celebration (libations?).
blinkie run- the act of stealing one or more blinkies.
blinkie fuck- getting caught in the act. Bad for college transcripts.
blinkie bust- getting rained out or caught by parents.
penis- pre-run pacifer. Insert in mouth if nervous.
dickweed- person who posts a message following this text file saying, "Oh my god!!!1!!!!11!! Thats stealing!!!!1!!"
A Little Info About ANUS
------------------------
The American Nihilist Underground Society is an organization dedicated to making the shit life tosses at you more bearable. We're headquartered in Houston, but we plan expansion soon. If interested, find an ANUS member and let him know. We are equal opportunity people: we don't discriminate like some shitheads on the basis of race, sex or religion; instead we discriminate by testicle size, IQ and depravity.
We're the people who bring you quality entertainment such as TURD, SPOO and BlinkieFest '89. Also, we are a Beatrice company.
Quote
-----
"I'm on a highway to hell..."
-Bon Scott
"I used to think that only America's Way,
Way was right,
But now the Holy Dollar rules everybody's lives,
Gotta make a million no matter who dies!"
--Queensryche
"If it's not nailed down, it's free."
--Captain Crapp
Conclusion
----------
We've had a lot of fun writing this issue and hope you enjoy reading it as much as that poor clueless shit we tried it out on. You may notice that this article is written in fairly complex language. This practice is to discourage intelligent people out there (hello?) from passing us off as another group of bored tyros with nothing better to do and a busted TV set.
Look for another issue in the future, but in the mean time, keep on blinkie running, and let us know is any new developments or ideas come up. Thanks.
Authors
-------
Captain Crapp
Chromatic Death
Royal Flush
"Have a nice fucking day" -- 10/7/89
(>

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...::::....::::::::........::.........:::..
| : <20> <20> : ~,~~
- (.) - : <20> <20> <20> <20> : /-)(
| t-file : <20> Hallucinatory Oyster Burrito <20> : ()=
assault : <20> <20> <20> : HOOKA!
.:.....:......::::........:::........:::.:.
25 October 1994 Issue #39
This is something that appeared on the Necropolis but I thought
I'd slip it into an HOB. It is pretty much self-explanatory:
Date: 1:25 am Mon Mar 28, 1994 Number : 131 of 131
From: Sorc Sub : ... jane says
To : All Refer #: None
Subj: my own poetic contribution BOngHiT: None
Stat: Normal Origin : Local
Seeing the recent tide towards poetry and since I've been feeling oh-so-full
of boundless creativity, I decided to put pen to paper and produce something
that I plan on submitting to _Oakleaves_, the annual GlenOak creative writing
fest. Of course it has to do with my suspension and subsequent removal from
the debate team. Here it is:
oxymoron - a word that i'm allowed to use
in the glenoak world of don'ts and do's
this oakleaves concept i peruse
is another proposition where i can lose
oakleaves, i accept your invite
but what am i allowed to think?
what am i allowed to write?
there can never be creative contemplation
when my own personal expression
can jeopardize my graduation.
aesthetic portrayal of my contention
is undermined by threats of suspension.
instead of thinking about how i should write,
i have to decide if my text is all right.
what provokes the system i buck?
how did i violate the code of conduct?
what scholastic responsibility did i duck?
i think its because i used the word fuck.
Of course, in the version I'm submitting, I've omitted the word fuck but
hopefully the rhyme-scheme will illustrate that point.
`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'
Hallucinatory Oyster Burrito
An AUFHEBEN Production! support: tyrant: numbah:
"Why, I don't know much of The Seinsfrage .. HOB WHQ!.. 216.966.7453
anything!" -Eraserhead Radio KAOS ... Moonshadow .. 216.830.4657
_Submission Policy_: Hallucinatory Oyster Burrito is into subs!
If you write something - anything - send it to us and we'll get it
to press. For contacting HOB, see below.
Want to be a support board for HOB? Download ALL the HOB's and DDE's
create a file sig on your board, and let me know. Your BBS will
be listed. TO CONTACT US: Call the WHQ (The Seinsfrage) or you
can send e-mail to Bogus Nomenclature on Radio KAOS. Internet
address is coming soon!
`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'
-eof-

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Genghis Khan Presents....
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20> <20> <20> <20>
<20> <20> <20> <20>
۳ <20> ۳ <20>
۳ <20> ۳ <20>
۳ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
۳ <20> <20><>
۳ <20> <20><>
۳ <20> <20><>
۳ <20> <20><>
۳ <20> <20><><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><>
۳ <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><>
۳ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20>
۳ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>۳ <20> <20> ۳ <20>
۳ <20> ۳ <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20>
۳ <20> ۳ <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ ۳ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20>VOLUME 1<> <20> ISSUE 1<> ۳ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> ۳ <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> ۳ <20>
۳ <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ ۳ <20>
<20>WRITTEN AND EDITED BY<42> ۳ <20>
<20> GENGHIS KHAN <20> ۳ <20>
۳ TERM INAL <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
۳ CIRCUIT BREAKER <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
HP MAGAZINE (C)1991 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<EFBFBD>DISCLAIMER<EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
All Information Contained In This File Is Intended For Informational
Purposes Only. Any Other Use Of The Information Is the Product Of The Reader.
HP Magazine, Genghis Khan, Circuit Breaker, Term Inal, Nor Anyone Else
Responsible For The Writing Of This Magazine Condone Hacking, Phreaking, Or
Any Other Illegal Activities. Although, This Magazine Is Protected Under The
Freedom Of The Press. Information Printed In This Magazine Is Protected By
The Constitution. Just A Word Of Advice For Those Intending On Pursuing
Material Contained Heirin.
-Genghis Khan, Circuit Breaker, Term Inal
-HP Staff
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<EFBFBD>WHY ANOTHER MAGAZINE?<3F>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
In the underground, there can never be enough magazines.
I have read a large majority of them, with the best being
Phrack, LOD Technical Journal, and Phun to just name a few.
I have also read total flops, magazines that a little kid
could write and probably did. My intentions, for this
magazine is to cover some of the topics that others magazines
have not, in a clear, easy to understand format.
I have been in the underground for a while now. I am
not new, but no one ever knows everything and I am always
open to people's ideas. The underground needs to go through
a reform in the 90's. It is really ludicrous that we fight
against ourselves when that anger could and SHOULD be
directed towards law enforcement. If people spent the time
they use fighting amongst themselves, and directed that
energy and time to a fruitful cause such as scanning,
hacking, or writing text files, the underground would be a
much more advanced place.
-Genghis Khan
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<EFBFBD>LAW & LEGISLATION<4F>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Due to an increasing amount of law and legislation
designed to deter hackers, I will ask that anyone who comes
across any new legislation to please send it to us. I would
also like to keep tabs on the status of Caller ID. Which
states have it? Which states is it pending?
It seems as though the government has declared war on
the underground. Let's try and stay one step ahead of them.
I would also like to hear from anyone who was busted in
Operation Sundevil. In a future issue I hope to spotlight
that.
-Genghis Khan
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<EFBFBD>IN THE NEWS<57>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
This will probably be your favorite section. If you
have been out of the scene for a while, this section will
tell you what is going on.
I would like to compile a list for H/P, of all the
groups in the United States and Canada. The groups must be
HP though. I will NOT spotlight warez groups although if
your group combines the two then fine. Please include what
type of people you are looking for, modem speed,
headquarters, NuP, specialtys, etc.
I am including in this issue a magazine article that
everyone should be interested in about TymNet and Credit
Card Fraud. I'll let you make up your mind on it, but
some of you had better watch who you are trading with
on QSD and Lutzifer.
Speaking of TymNet, let's face it. NUI's are pretty
scarce. I read an article that said Microwire received a
$350,000 fone bill. the T.HONxxx nuis go up and down. If
anyone has a NUI hacker I would be VERY interested.
I have also included some articles from the book John McAfee
wrote titled, "Computer viruses, worms, trojan horses, and
other threats to your system", or something like that.
If you aren't familiar with John McAfee, he is the one who
writes and publishes the SCAN, CLEAN, MDISK type of anti-virus
utilities.
If anyone has ever dealt with the EFF, (Electronic
Frontier Foundation), please send me any information
possible. I know that have helped a lot of people and if
anyone tries to say anything about this magazine, well first
off, they can kiss my ass, second, if it's some 3-letter
agency, I would like to be prepared. It is my right by
freedom of the press to publish whatever I damn want to. If
you have something to say about this magazine or any
magazine, you should listen to yourself and then write a
better one. Until you do that, you have no room to talk.
-Genghis Khan
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<EFBFBD>Computers Feed International Credit Card Fraud<75>
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By Joe Abernathy
Houston (Texas) Chronicle
May 19, 1991
A new international den of thieves linked by computer may be going to town
with your credit card.
Stolen credit card and other account information is both currency and
commodity in this technological underworld, which is giving rise to the
specter of offshore "data havens" outside the ready grasp of the U.S. law.
"Once the hackers get some live numbers, they trade," said Jim Steele,
Mastercard's director of security for the central United States. "It's a real
problem."
Secret Service Agent Tom Moyle agreed, calling the potential for public
harm, "tremendous."
The new data havens represent a kind of hacker's bazaar, where many
participants don't even share a language. But words aren't needed when
numbers do the talking.
In a home near you, a hacker may be staring at a monitor with a list of
pseudonyms and nationalities. At the touch of a key he can excahnge purloined
credit card information with a comrade in Finland.
"MasterCard 5424 1800 2674 5624 exp 9/91 Thomas Wright," read one recent
message, typical of the lot.
(The phrase "computer hacker" originally was a characterization proudly
claimed by computer hobbyists, with its roots in the hacked together nature of
early computer exploration. It is still used in some computer circles, but in
the law and popular vernacular it is now usually understood to describe people
who gain unauthorized access to computer systems for fraudulent purposes.)
One overseas gathering point offers over 400 megabytes of software for
copying, representing hundreds or thousand of stolen titles.
Each of the data havens is actually a computer in somebody's home or
business. They have names - QSD, Lutzifer - and serve as electronic
communities.
The "citizens" are physically located continents apart, while
communicating in an electronic forum that has been convened in a third world
country. Calls may even be routed through a fourth nation for additional
security, with each step in the process making law enforcement's job more
difficult.
"Try getting Israel to cooperate with an Arab country for an
investigation," said one hacker, laughingly describing the logistical
nightmare authorities face. "Or go through South Africa and try to get anyone
to cooperate with them."
Authorities must get a search warrant or permission to conduct
surveillance at each step in the communications link. And that may not even
be possible - not every nation has a legal structure designed to respect
credit ratings and intellectual property.
Those making use of the data havens are doing so through the commercial
communiations network designed specially to link computers around the world.
To customers, these networks are known as Telenet, Sprintnet, EasyLink
(Southwestern bell) or TymNet; generically, they are called "x.25 networks"
for the technical standard describing details of their operation.
"Those systems are set up simply as a vehicle to communicate," said Moyle,
supervisor at the Secret Service fraud devision. "If you sign up, get an
account and pay your monthly bill, you've got very clean data transmission
lines and you can talk to a variety of places for a variety of reasons.
"You've got business folks using those lines, folks involved in research.
That's the legitimate use for them, messaging. You're connecting up to
bulletin boards, is all you're doing."
Most of those calling the overseas fraud boards via the x.25 networks are
stealing air time from service providers and their customers - a fact that has
helped attract investigative agencies to the scene. One company had to pay a
$350,000 bill recently for hacker phone calls. (GK-That had to be Microwire!)
"A lot of the three-letter agencies are there," said Don Murtaugh, chief
of security for British Telecom International, the parent of TymNet. "Because
we're still pursuing it, you hate to say too much."
Using a variety of plays, hackers created user accounts and hacked into
accounts of legitimate users. Account names and passwords were passed around
for others to use.
"Many of the IDs were IDs that customers had and had stopped using or
failed to cancel," said Murtaugh, explaining that the customer is liable for
the bills run up by using x.25 phone accounts. "If you look at the number of
those (stolen accounts) it was in the hundreds. We found ourseles being
violated."
Murtaugh confirmed that federal agencies making inquiries include the
Secret Service, Central Intelligence Agency, FBI and National Security Agency.
The CIA, FBI and NSA refused to comment.
So many agencies are interested. The Secret Service specializes in fraud
investigations, for example, and the CIA worries with external security.
The NSA, an ultrasecret agency nominally charged with decrypting
intercepted foreign communications, is widely believed in the computer science
community to engage in routine monitoring of communications throughout the
world's computer networks.
"It's a felony to possess 15 or more credit card or telephone access
numbers," said Moyle, explaining the law most likely to be invoked for
trafficking in access device numbers - the name collectively given to such
things as credit card numbers and computer passwords.
"Simple possession is a felony, let alone actually using them. If you
traffic in or use one or more and the aggregate value of loss is $1,000 of an
access number, then that meets the black and white statute also."
The only problem with the rule of 15, Steele said, is that it only applies
in the United States. The data havens operate overseas.
He added that the $1,000 threshold can be reached by one typical
merchandise order placed on a stolen credit card number by one computer
hacker. And each stolen number may be used repeatedly by any number of
hackers over a period of weeks.
"It's not like a person was mugged," he said, in which case a stolen card
would be canceled quickly, typically taking a maximum hit of only $1,500.
"If somebody posts your number on a bulletin board, you're not going to
know until the next billing cycle. That's why the significance of the dollar
loss can be greater for that kind of crime."
Computer hackers have trafficked in credit cards and other access device
numbers for as long as there have been hacker bulletin boards. Often, the
information they trade in their high-tech haunts comes from a tool as low-tech
as "dumpster diving" - rummaging through a store's trash for credit card
carbons.
Because stolen account numbers are so easy to obtain by these less
sophisicated means, hackers are only a part of the overall problem, Steele
said. Precisely how much is difficult to measure.
Of the $301 million MasterCard lost to fraud in 1990, $26 million occurred
through telephone sales, which is the most common technique hacker's emply.
"Counterfeiting" of cards, another popular ploy in which a stolen number is
usually superimposed over an old card, accounted for $33 million is losses.
And, of course, MasterCard is only one credit card company. Visa is
nearly twice its size.
"There are some real scam artists who use the bulletin boards as a way to
get live access devices," said Steele, a former Secret Service agent. "There
are others who look at penetrating any system as a challenge - they post some
information just to say, hey look, I can do it.
"But of course when you post that information, you've got proprietary
information that can be financially damaging, military records, things like
that."
The electronic mail and other documents of at least one Secret Service
employee were allegedly compromised by a TymNet hacker. He used an internal
network management tool to monitor this agency employee while he was using a
computer either at home or one the job.
The inspector's office of the Secret Service launched an internal
investigation after being informed by the Houston Chronicle of the apparent
breach. Inspectors would not comment on the investigation.
Information concerning the credit card trafficking and abuse of the x.25
networks came to the attention of the Chronicle during a series of telephone
conversations and meetings with members of the computer underground in
Houston, San Francisco and New York. The information was used to parlay
further details from security officials and others.
Activities within the data havens were monitored by a reporter online.
MasterCard security officials and the issuing institution were alerted to the
stolen credit card number printed in this story.
"The individuals who are involved in this world, are very bright and very
inquiring by nature," said Moyle of the Secret Service. "There's an
attraction to dealing with folks in different countries because it provides a
different perspective, a different learning base, a different knowledge base
to inquire about."
"We certainly have no objection to normal sharing or learning. Where they
come to our attention and invoke our wrath, if you will, is when they cross
over the border - the legal border not the geographic border."
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<EFBFBD>THE HACKER PROFILE<4C>
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By John McAfee
The intellectual skills of the hackers invite respect, and most of them would
not dream of acting maliciously. But there are many who may be regarded as
social misfits because of the dominant role that computers play in their
isolated lives. This isolation and inevitable introversion in personality
appear particularly prevalent among hackers operating on the dark side, who
irresponsibly break into systems for personal gain or to spread viruses. They
often shun conventional human contact and tend not to make friends or have
social interchanges apart from interaction on electronic bulletin boards.
One programmer - call him Joe - was recruited through the National
Bulletin Board Society, and he typifies this hacker reclusiveness. Joe
stipulated in his contract that he would never meet or discuss his work
person-to-person with his client, even by telephone. Joe's programming was
extremely elegant and precise, and he could complete even complex tasks within
days when average programmers might take weeks. He was obviously a name of
extreme intelligence and ability, but he just could not cope with human
contact in the conventional sense. However, he relates strongly to computers
because, like many hackers, they have become animate things, more satisfactory
and dependable in many respect than humans.
The complexities of these extreme relationships between hackers and their
machines mirror the complexities and intensities to be found in conventional
interpersonal relationships. Joe, for example, despite his extreme antisocial
attitude, loved computers and would never consider planting a virus that might
compromise a system's integrity. Indeed, he was so precise in everything to
do with computing that he could not tolerate the fact that the internal clock
on one of his client's systems was not absolutely accurate, and he felt
compelled to leave his own keyboard to fix it.
After another hacker, Kevin Mitnick, was arrested and charged with
breaking into Digital Equipment Coporation's system, the Los Angeles Times
reported that when the investigator for the Los Angeles County district
attorney's office accused him of harming a computer, tears came into his eyes.
The investigator, Robert Ewen, described Mitnick as having an umbilical cord
from the computer to his soul, becoming a giant when he got behind a keyboard.
Hackers with such personalities who spread viruses do not consider
themselves to be attacking computers per se, but the people and organizations
using them are the ones they perceive to be the real enemies. The potential
threat from a reclusive personality obsessed with computing - indeed, addicted
to it - when coupled with a real or imagined gradge against big business, the
government, or against the computing community establishment as a whole is
similar to that of the snipers who take revenge by indiscriminately firing on
crowds. A virus give the maverick hacker a powerful weapon against perceived
enemies.
There are indications from the monitoring of bulletin board activity that
some of the lonely hackers are striking up somewhat formalized relationships
with other of their kind to develop ever-more potent virus programs. The
viruses show a distinct trend toward becoming more malicious, dangerous, and
hostile. However, it is still unclear whether the primary perpetrators of the
worst viruses are mainly individuals or groups. There are underground hacker
organizations that bring together antisocial individuals who pool their skills
to create viruses. Such collaboration became a feature of hacking in the late
1970s and the early 1980s, before virus programs were being written on any
scale and when the prime interest was simply breaking into secure systems.
But the main threat at this stage of the virus epidemic still appears to be
from individuals hostile to society who work entirely alone, alienated from
direct contact with others, who write viruses as an extension of the hacking
activites that form their substitue for conventional social intercourse.
These lone hackers are almost impossible to identify.
There is a schism opening up between different types of hackers as a "good
guy versus bad guys" situation develops. The malicious hackers find it
creative and exciting to write viruses and to spread them; however, others are
finding it even more stimulating to try to thwart their evil intentions. It
is becoming thrust and parry as the virus writers come up with new techniques
and the "good hackers" counter with ways to combat them. Increasingly, the
good guys are counterattacking, making preemptive strikes with programs
containing protection features that anticipate the next phase of virus
offensives.
Generally, hackers do not fit into any of the traditional social grouping
or psychological stereotypes, which make it difficult for the security
specialists, for whom they have become serious adversaries, to understand they
motivations. Hacking is not just a hobby or area of interest, but often
becomes a dominant lifestyle to which its participants make a strong
commitment. Many spend all night, alone at their computer, devising fiendish
programs and trying to break into other people's systems. Their activities
seem incomprehensible to those not fascinated by computers or who simply use
them as the tools of their trades.
Hacking is now so widespread that there is a hacker in nearly every
neighborhood. A seemingly innocent teenager, who appears to be working late
on a school project while the rest of the family is watching television or has
gone to bed, may well be creating a malicious virus program and trying to run
it in a system at IBM, General Motors, or the Pentagon.
Hacking is predominantly a male activity which parallels intellectually
the physical excitement of big game hunting - tracking a quarry, pursuing it
until it is cornered and then - with the virus a new and powerful weapon -
making a kill. The main difference in the electronic expression of basic
hunting urges is that one has much more control of the odds, and losing out to
an adversay involves little physical risk. As with video games, a player can
be zapped out, yet immediately rise to do battle again. There is a merging of
fantasy and reality, typified by the macho pseudonyms that some hackers adopt
through bulletin boards. Mitnick, for example, called himself Condor, after
the title role played by Robert Redford in the movie Three Days of the Condor,
a character that symbolized the isolated loner fighting a corrupt political
establishment. James Bond and his 007 "licensed to kill" status frequently
crop up in aliases; Mitnick allegedly used Bondian pseudonyms for one of his
hacked telephone accounts.
What really sets hackers apart is their joy in the process of computing,
reported Harvard University sociologist and psychologist Dr. Sherry Tuckle
after studying the hacking phenomenon at the Massachusetts Institute of
Technology. She wrote perceptively about it in her book The Second Self -
Computers and the Human Spirit.
"Though hackers would deny that theirs is a macho culture, the
preoccupation with winning and subjecting oneself to increasingly violent test
smakes their world peculiarly unfriendly to women," she wrote. "There is,
too, a flight from relationship with people to relationship with the machine -
a defensive maneuvre more common to men than to women."
Dr. Turkle found that the MIT hackers engaged in what they called "sport
death," finding in computer programming an addiction to control similar to
that found among some racing drivers and test pilots. In each case, the
participants push their resources beyond what seems possible, with the hackers
concentrating on giving themselves ever more demanding mental, rather than
phsycial, challenges. This is why viruses are so facinating to them - and why
the hackers must be understood better as adversaries by those wishing to
protect their systems from invasion. The hackers' motiviation for
manipulating other people's systems is usually very different from the
motivations for personal gain or revenge involved in other computer crimes.
"It is a culture of people who have grown up thinking of themselves as
different, apart, and who have a commitment to what one hacker described as
'an ethic of total toleration for anything that in the real world would be
considered strange'," Dr. Turkle wrote. "The people who want to impost rules,
the inhabitants of the 'real world,' are devalued, as is the 'straight'
computer science community . . . . The hackers have to keep changing and
improving the system. They have built a cult of prowness that defines itself
in terms of winning over ever-more complex systems."
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<EFBFBD>SCANNING<EFBFBD>
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Of the many things I have done. Scanning has to be one of the more
lucrative things to do. With everything you can find when scanning, it is
hard to believe that ANYONE would not scan. Someday, I'll have to publish a
fone book of scans..ehhee. Joke maybe, but, we'll see. I would like to get a
scanning group together to scan directly for HP magazine. If there is anyone
who would like to be in my scanning group, contact me.
The below scans are for the 1.800.444.xxxx prefix. I jumped around a
little bit, but should have TONS more scans by the next issue. This should
last you a little why though...
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Scans for 800.444.xxxx<78><78><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ĵ
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<EFBFBD> 0000 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0003 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0005 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0029 MESSAGE CENTER VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0048 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0050 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0060 DIVERTER? MAYBE D.D. VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0063 WEIRD RING THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0071 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0073 WEIRD RING THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0075 WEIRD <20>
<EFBFBD> 0078 DIAL TONE <20>
<EFBFBD> 0081 VMB (Audix) <20>
<EFBFBD> 0083 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0084 FONMAIL VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0088 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0089 FAX <20>
<EFBFBD> 0091 WEIRD RING THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0096 ASK FOR AN OUTSIDE LINE <20>
<EFBFBD> 0100 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0106 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0107 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0112 CARRIER <20>
<EFBFBD> 0118 WEIRD RING THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0119 WEIRD RING THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0112 WEIRD RING THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0123 VMB?? <20>
<EFBFBD> 0141 FONMAIL <20>
<EFBFBD> 0143 VMB?? <20>
<EFBFBD> 0144 DIAL TONE (CODE<44>6079) <20>
<EFBFBD> 0155 WEIRD RING THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0171 FAX <20>
<EFBFBD> 0182 DIAL TONE <20>
<EFBFBD> 0202 DIVERTER <20>
<EFBFBD> 0210 DIRECT DIAL VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0219 FAX <20>
<EFBFBD> 0223 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0231 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0240 CARRIER <20>
<EFBFBD> 0242 AFTER HOURS VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0273 FAX <20>
<EFBFBD> 0274 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0275 DIRECT DIAL VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0279 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0507 CARRIER <20>
<EFBFBD> 0511 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0520 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0523 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0534 AUTHORIZATION CODE FAILURE <20>
<EFBFBD> 0539 FAX <20>
<EFBFBD> 0547 EXTENDER <20>
<EFBFBD> 0549 EXTENDER <20>
<EFBFBD> 0553 EXTENDER <20>
<EFBFBD> 0560 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0567 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0607 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0608 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0609 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0615 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0617 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0618 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0624 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0625 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0626 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0627 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0628 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0630 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0631 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0633 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0635 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0636 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0638 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0646 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0649 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0653 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0654 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0655 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0656 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0658 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0660 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0662 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0668 CREDIT CARD CHECKER <20>
<EFBFBD> 0678 CREDIT CARD CHECKER <20>
<EFBFBD> 0684 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0693 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0709 FAX <20>
<EFBFBD> 0712 MCI CODE <20>
<EFBFBD> 0720 MCI <20>
<EFBFBD> 0722 MCI <20>
<EFBFBD> 0723 MCI <20>
<EFBFBD> 0731 MCI <20>
<EFBFBD> 0744 MCI SECURITY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0747 EXTENDER <20>
<EFBFBD> 0748 EXTENDER <20>
<EFBFBD> 0751 WEIRD TONE <20>
<EFBFBD> 0787 WEIRD BELLS(Extender) <20>
<EFBFBD> 0797 FAX <20>
<EFBFBD> 0803 FAX <20>
<EFBFBD> 0806 EXTENDER <20>
<EFBFBD> 0809 LOVE CONNECTION <20>
<EFBFBD> 0815 RINGS THEN BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 0816 EXTENDER <20>
<EFBFBD> 0817 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 0830 WEIRD BEEPS <20>
<EFBFBD> 1503 DIVERTER <20>
<EFBFBD> 1510 ANSWERING MACHINE <20>
<EFBFBD> 1511 VMB (LIMO SERVICE) <20>
<EFBFBD> 1513 WEIRD BEEPS <20>
<EFBFBD> 1514 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 1521 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 1534 AUTHORIZATION CODE FAILURE <20>
<EFBFBD> 1539 CELLULAR FONE? <20>
<EFBFBD> 1543 VMB (12 HOUR) <20>
<EFBFBD> 1546 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 1553 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 1563 AUTHORIZATION CODE FAILURE <20>
<EFBFBD> 1571 WEIRD <20>
<EFBFBD> 1575 AUTHORIZATION CODE FAILURE <20>
<EFBFBD> 1579 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 1583 CARRIER <20>
<EFBFBD> 1585 WILLOW PERIPHERALS? <20>
<EFBFBD> 1587 FONMAIL VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 1588 FONMAIL <20>
<EFBFBD> 1592 ANSWERING MACHINE-HACKABLE <20>
<EFBFBD> 1596 FAX? <20>
<EFBFBD> 1599 FAX <20>
<EFBFBD> 1602 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 1608 AUTHORIZATION CODE FAILURE <20>
<EFBFBD> 1613 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 1615 STRANGE RING <20>
<EFBFBD> 1621 DIAL TONE <20>
<EFBFBD> 1634 AUTHORIZATION CODE FAILURE <20>
<EFBFBD> 1635 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 1636 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 1642 ANSWERING MACHINE <20>
<EFBFBD> 1645 FAST BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 1646 FAST BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 1654 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 1673 FAST BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 1674 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 1679 FAX <20>
<EFBFBD> 1690 DIAL TONE <20>
<EFBFBD> 1701 DIAL TONE <20>
<EFBFBD> 1705 FAST BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 1720 VMB (MESSAGE CENTER) <20>
<EFBFBD> 1723 FAST BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 1726 FAX <20>
<EFBFBD> 1729 VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 1730 FAST BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 1731 FAST BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 1737 FAST BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 1738 STRANGE VMB <20>
<EFBFBD> 1739 FAST BUSY <20>
<EFBFBD> 1748 DIAL TONE <20>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ĵ
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ĵ
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Here is a handy printout to use when scanning.
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
cut here \<5C>/
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cut here /|\
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>|
The smallest block on the left is for the 4 digits at the end of the
prefix..here's an example
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
| 1602 | vmb | 1750 | Dial Tone |
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's a pretty easy way of keeping track of everything.
Genghis Khan
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<EFBFBD>LOOZER LIST<53>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
There have arisen in the Underground and the entire Computer world as a whole,
a group of people, that I can not think of much more of a name for them. The
simplest thing to call them, are LOOZERS. I have already recieved threats of
lawsuits and the sort for posting peoples name in the loozer list. But, I am
not telling anyone to do anything. It is your choice what you do. I am
mearly spotlighting those few people, who well, make it tough for all of us to
go forward. And of everything, I am mearly stating facts. Home addresses,
fone numbers, entire names, bulletin boards, and what they do. There is NO
law against that, and if you have something to say about it, say it. I'm
ready.
Allen Lee
116 Spinning Rd
Dayton Ohio 45414
Our Place BBS - 513-252-1928 - 24oo
Distrubutes McAfee Anti-Virus Files and Tracks Down Hackers.
Running WildCat 2.55n
Joeseph Caplinger
J&Js BBS Node 1 - 513-236-4788 - 24oo
J&Js BBS Node 2 - 513-236-3087 - 24oo
J&Js BBS Node 3 - 513-236-1229 - 96oo
Locked Many of the Underground Out of the BBS for stating an opinion
My what a democracy we live in..
Running WildCat 3.0
Marc Younkin
Yorktown BBS - 513-434-8024 - 24oo
TransAmiga
Stated he was out to take down the entire IBM underground.
Captures and other data have been recovered from his board
that make this statement true.
Joey Evans
Blazing BBS <20> 513-878-6014
SuperBBS
This guy (?) is accused of turning classified underground information to
certain Public Doman Sysops including Allen Lee. Was in the underground for a
short time. Believes himself to be the best hacker in the world. Has a habit
of thinking he is superior to the rest of the world. Very Obnoxious.
That ends the list of loozers. I hope to make this section a LOT bigger
in the next issue. Keep the names and numbers coming. What you do to these
people/boards is strictly a product of you. The writer/s and or editors of HP
magazine take no responsibility for any actions taken. Please read the
beginning disclaimer for further information
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20>QUICK NOTES<45>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Spicoli was busted. Answers are vague. Information is being held until
either a court case or questioning comes. What Spicoli was busted on is still
a mystery. Hopefully, we will soon know what it was. I warn all to stay away
from the bridges that Spicoli was calling. If you know what I'm talking
about, you know what to do.
-Genghis Khan
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
I have talked to two people now that have been called or visited because of
hacking 748-9200. Just a warning.
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Do not call the 713 CBI dialup. It is being monitored.
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
It is illegal for anyone, including government agencies to put a tap on your
line. If you think your line is being tapped, call your operator. Then have
her connect you to repair service. Tell them you think you are being tapped
and that you would like to have the line checked. They will usually give you
the number for that Telco's Security Department. Call them, and they will
check out the line for any sort of tap. Then give you the option to press
charges, if it can be discovered who is tapping it.
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20>BBS REVIEW?<3F>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Well, I must admit, I did run out of time on this magazine. Therefore my
BBS Review and VMB Review will have to wait till next issue. But I will list
a few good boards that I can think of right off hand. If I leave you out,
which I probably will, please excuse me, and I will try and get you in the
next issue.
Dragon's Keep
Home of HP Magazine
513.277.6oo6
12oo/24oo
NuP OPTIONS
SysOp-Term Inal aka Dragonlord
CoSysOp-Genghis Khan
Running Telegard
I am Co-SysOp on this board, give it a call. I have some innovative ideas
in effect on this board including a message base called Phreak Klass. We have
had a great response for the Phreak Klass Base and hopefully we are producing
some good New Phreakers. Unlike some I have seen recently who think they know
everything and don't.
High Voltage
513.898.8768
12oo/24oo/96oo/14.4/38.4
NuP CourierHst
SysOp-Circuit Breaker
CoSysOp-Genghis Khan
I also have co-sysop status on this board. More oriented towards the
usage part of phreaking and not the fundamentals. Still a good board to call.
Message bases galore. But the Circuit Breaker has a past of being a warez
d00d. I converted him, and he is now half half. Give it a call. Well worth
it. Running Telegard.
Gonzo's Gabanza
513.89o.o655
12oo/24oo/96oo/14.4/38.4
NuP GATE*WAY
SysOp-Gonzo Merkazoid
Pretty good H/P board. Specializes in just about everything. Many files
to choose from. Overall, one of the better boards. Running Telegard.
Crow Technologies
513.433.861o
12oo/24oo
NuP CORAL
SysOp-Crow Meister
Specializes in Virii and Trojans. If I can remember right, has at least
400 viruses. And I'm sure that is an old count. Getting access is difficult.
Easy for me, easy for some. Those who do not know there stuff need not apply.
Running TcH 3.0. Very nice board.
These boards are all local to me. If you have something you would like to
see in HP Magazine or would like to comment on the mag, please leave you
messages on these boards. Thank you.
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20>CONCLUSION<4F>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
I feel somewhat bad about the content of this magazine. Being the first
issue I hoped to make it great. But I didn't anticipate how long it would
take. I am sorry if I let some of you down. The next issue will be much
better. Time was ticking down and I had to get this baby out. So, use what's
in here while you wait another month, till January 6th, 1992. I will include
AT LEAST 2 Interviews/profiles. Scans galore, Complete BBS Review. A VMB
Review. More Loozers. More News. Don't miss it.
And to all who are reading this. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to
you. Let's make the headlines in 1992.
-Genghis Khan
Editor In Chief
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>

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I N H A L E !
==============================================================================
Issue #1 For the Freedom to Choose Our Choices... Feb '94
==============================================================================
Introduction:
Hello! Congratulations for picking up Pekin's first politically
(in)correct (depending on how you look at it) publication. We at INHALE!
believe that each American should have the right to choose what he or she
wishes to do, independantly from another individual. We neither condone or
disagree with the use drugs. We agree that violence will change nothing and
only education on countless topics will benefit societies around the world.
A little introduction is in order; who I am, where I came from, and why
I believe in these principles. My name is Greg, and I am twenty years old. My
political thoughts started at what I consider to be a young age. I was about
twelve, living in a middle class home, with a loving family, and a computer.
I have to mention the computer, because this is where my political values
emerged.
It started one day when (don't you love stories that start that way?) I
bought a modem for my computer. A modem is something that translates computer
language to sounds that are fed through the phone lines to another computer
with a modem. Anyway, I started calling a few other computers (which are
called bulletin board systems or BBS for short). The more memorable one was
run by a guy called Whirlin' Dervish. He had the best BBS that I had ever
called. There were many files that dealt with the anarchist way of life. I
would get these files and pour over them for hours, trying to grasp the
meaning of what the authors had written. This made me think that there ARE
other ways of thinking other than what is socially acceptable.
Then there was the military at age seventeen. Thirteen weeks of boot camp
and two years in the national guard convinced me that there was definately
something wrong with the way the government thinks. It also made me wonder
how they could get away with so much waste and misuse of our tax dollars. It
just doesn't stop at the military though, as most of us know by the countless
times we have heard of scandals, under the table dealing, and general screw
ups by our wondrous government system.
Ever since these things in my life have happened, I haven't been the same
person. For the last four years, I have been refining my logic and my
opinions on things, of which you are about to read herein. My principles are
constantly being modified through education.
This is what we at INHALE! wish to offer you, education. You have a
right as an American citizen, to stand up and let your voice be heard. Believe
me when I say it does matter when you write your congressmen/woman as it does
show that you care about what goes on in this society based country we call
America.
With that, I can only offer these simple words of advice: Prepare for
tommorrow, but live today. Yesterday is history, and tommorrow may never come.
==============================================================================
To get a one year subscription ! WHAT'S INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
to INHALE! send $5 to the address ! Introduction to INHALE!..........pg1
below. The hardcopy version looks quite ! Lobbying Agencies................pg2
nice and has scanned cartoons, grafix, ! Sphinctor of the Month...........pg3
and other cool stuff. You may obtain a ! Freedom Fighter..................pg4
sample copy by sending a S.A.S.E. LARGE ! Cease Fire!......................pg5
to: INHALE! ! Employee Surveillance............pg6
PO Box 1073 ! Political Sellouts...............pg7
Pekin, IL 61555-1073 ! Addresses........................pg8
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INHALE! #1 FEB '94 Greg S Page 2
The ACLU Fights For Your Rights!
The American Civil Liberties Union is the nation's foremost advocate of
individual rights--litigating, legislating and educating the public on a broad
array of issues affecting individual freedom in the United States.
The mission of the ACLU is to assure that the Bill of Rights--amendments
to the Constitution that guard against unwarranted governmental control--are
preserved for each new generation. To understand the ACLU's purpose, it is
important to distinguish between the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. The
Constitution itself, whose bicentennial we celebrated in 1987, authorizes the
government to act. The Bill of Rights limits that authority.
What rights are guaranteed in the Bill of Rights?
First Amendment rights: These include freedom of speech, association and
assembly, freedom of the press, and freedom of religion, including the strict
separation between church and state.
Equal protection of the law: The right to equal treatment regardless of
race, sex, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, age, physical
handicap, or other such classification.
Due process of law: The right to be treated fairly when facing criminal
charges or other serious accusations that can result in such penalties as loss
of employment, exclusion from school, denial of housing, or cut-off of
benefits.
The right to privacy: The right to a guaranteed zone of personal privacy
and autonomy which cannot be penetrated by the government or by other
institutions, like employers, with substantial influence over an individual's
rights.
Expanding those protections: Although some segments of our population have
traditionally been denied those rights, the ACLU works to extend protection to
racial minorities, homsexuals, mental patients, prisoners, soldiers, children
in custody of the state, the handicapped, and Native Americans.
The ACLU address is on page 8.
============================================================================
Be NORML!
NORML, the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, demands
that marijuana be decriminalized for medical, industrial, and personal uses.
NORML lobbies in congress as well as individual politicians for these personal
choices.
NORML demands that marijuana be available to all those who are in pain,
have nausea from drug therapy, have problems controlling seizures, who have had
eye surgeries, and many other purposes.
The stated purpose of marijuana prohibition is suppression of both use and
dissent. Prohibition thrives on division, because a people divided against
themselves cannot stand in opposition to tyranny.
Resistance to marijuana prohibition must be based on forging coalitions
and demonstrating common ground with our fellow citizens.
Now entering it's third decade, NORML has been America's leading and most
visible opponent of marijuana prohibition.
Marijuana prohibition is an expensive failure in which citizens are forced
to pay taxes to finance the erosion of their liberty.
You can help by joining NORML, and by encouraging others to do the same. A
one year membership in NORML is $25, and includes a subscription to the NORML
quarterly newspaper. Send your membership dues to:
NORML
Temple Heights Station
P.O. Box 53356
Washington, DC 20036
Info address is on page 8.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INHALE! #1 Feb '94 Greg S Page 3
Wilt Does It Again
The sphinctor of the month column will feature our personal choice for
the person that displays fascism, bungles things beyond the normal realm of
bungleness, or just outright displays ignorant behavior.
This months choice happens to be a fellow by the name of Jack Wilt.
Which on the same token, happens to be the superintendant of dist. 303. As
most of us know, he really screwed things up this time.
The actual offense is censorship. Mr. Wilt took it upon himself to
decide that certain letters to the editor were racial and offensive. What he
actually did was far worse than being racist in my opinion.
Not only did he violate the reporter's 1st. Amendment by taking away
freedom of the press, but also took the rights of the writer away also. I
realize that the paper is actually a publication of the school, but tell me
what kind of a picture this would make to a young junior who might just be
getting into journalism and decided that the school paper might be a good
place to start. This could take away that person's chance of ever reporting on
what he or she would really want to report on. Essentially, very little, if
any, faith in the 1st. Amendment could occur.
The way the Pekinois is set up is just like a real newpaper, with an
editor in chief and a chain of command. There is an advisor there that is also
the journalism teacher. It's set up to be a pretty good simulation of what
working on a real paper is supposed to be like. Wilt's choice to pull the
paper, displays a real lack of (there are a million words that could be used
here) judgement regarding the realism of the school paper experience. Isn't he
the one that should be sticking up for the cirriculum of the school?
If one was to get techinical about things, one could say that Wilt
himself was inflicting racial damage by pulling the paper. The surrounding
media snatched the opporutunity to make another racial shot at Pekin. If left
alone no one except the people that read the paper would've even known that
anything racial had been written. Now, to most people, the situation looks as
if Pekin is just as racist as ever, with the superintendant just trying to
make the school look like they are cracking down on racism when they've done
nothing to actually help releive it.
One should keep in mind that this was a letter to the editor. Therefore
completely editorial. Everyone knows that an editorial is based on one
person's, or the opinion of a group of people. Also, how hard could it have
been to just make the editors put a disclaimer at the top of the page, saying
something to the effect of: 'The views of writers of a letter to the editor is
not the opinion of this school or any other faculty member at this school.' ?
A few last comments about this.
I was reading the Times the other day, and I did see a letter to the editor
from a lawyer for the Peoria chapter of the ACLU. In it, he too saw that
pulling the paper was wrong. He too wrote about what kind of example was
being set by the superintendant.
One final comment. The advisor to the Pekinois, Diana Peckham, should be
commended for her part in this fiasco. She gave the students working on the
paper the choice to go ahead with putting the articles in or not. Thank you
Diana for making the right decision. Too bad there aren't that many more of
people like you on the faculty at PCHS.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INHALE! #1 Feb '94 Hoffman II Page 4
Freedom Fighter Of the Month
This is INHALE!'s freedom fighter of the month column. Unlike High
Times's freedom fighter, you dont have to go to jail to be in ours, proving
that expressing your ideas won't get you behind bars ALL of the time. This
month's freedom fighter of the month is Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders, who
proposed that legalization of drugs should be studied to reduce violence. She
raised several important points, and was quickly rebuffed by the Clinton
administration.
Elders was right about drug legalization; the war on drugs is a fiasco, a
disaster, and does nothing except to make the streets less safe, taxes much
higher, and the plight of drug users much worse. In the 1920's and 1930's,
alcohol prohibition only led to more gang violence and mobster crime. The
gangster era finally ended when prohibition was ended and alcohol became
relegalized. We must realize that it's time to legalize marijuana and let
people take responsibility for their own actions. It is clear that drug
prohibition has resulted in too much violence and the current "war on drugs"
has not helped the problem. We should be concentrating on education efforts
rather than interdiction. Also, the war on drugs is dangerous in that it
"allows" government to seize people's property without a trial by jury. Drug-
related seizures have taken place against innocent people who had no drugs.
Unfortunately, it looks like not too many people in tho government agree
with her. (Suprise) President Bill Clinton pubically rebuffed her suggestion.
She did not even propose a plan for the decriminalization of drugs; she merely
suggested that drug use be further studied. Yet, the GOP is now calling for
her resignation. Bill put his tail between his legs and panicked that Elders
would dare raise the issue, even parenthetically. He basically told her that
nice girls should be seen (and photographed by the press) and not heard. He
may think that she's a nice girl, but don't nice girls have some brains behind
their mouth? His behavior was shameful. This is one more sign of a floundering
administration.
A poll taken seems to show that the Surgeon General is not alone. Out of
61,000 respondants, 53% say legalizing drugs might reduce crime. This means
that more in this poll sided with Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders' view that
legalizing drugs could make America a safer place than with President Clinton,
who said the costs would outweigh the benefits. His view was, however, backed
by those in his own age group--45 and up. Younger respondents and men and
women, as well as respondents from all US regions, are more likely to agree
with Dr Elders. I think its time for the younger generation of Americans to
take a stand. Only by searching for the truth by ourselves will we be able to
escape what is being covered up.
This is just one more example of how today's government tries to keep
people quiet whenever they challenge what the government has decided is the
truth. I chose Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders as Freedom Fighter of the Month
because without becoming completely revolutionary, she did what she could to
try to change America for the better. I commend her for reccomending drugs to
be legalized to reduce violence, and I am shocked at the reaction people had to
her ideas. This is proof that it will be up to us to help support movements to
get our agenda passed. If you agree with us, that Surgeon General Joycelyn
Elders had a great idea, feel free to write her office and tell her you suport
her. Her office's address is on page 8.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INHALE! #1 Feb '94 Greg S Page 5
A Call To Cease-Fire
Here are nine things that could be the key to ending the war on drugs:
1. Stop talking about winning the drug wars. In the broadest sense,
there is no way to win because we cannot make the drugs or their abusers go
away. Our goal should be to fashion methods of living peacefully with drugs
that create the least possible harm for users and their nonusing neighbors.
2. Recognize that the line between illegal and legal drugs is a historic
accident based primarily upon emotion rather than science. All drugs--including
alcohol, heroin, tobbacco, marijuana, and many others--are
dangerous. Yet, all can be used by people in nonharmful ways.
3. Start thinking about drugs and users in new ways. Start thinking
drugpeace instead of drug war. Think of users as potentially nice neighbors,
not evil criminals intent on robbing you because the drugs they take drive
them crazy.
4. Protect the sick from the ravages of the drug war. If they are ill and
suffering from diseases such as cancer or glaucoma, then heroin and marijuana
should be made available to them by prescription. If suffering from the
disease of addiction, they should have available non-cost rehabilitation
programs. If they are injecting addicts, they should be provided with clean
needles.
5. Demand of addicts in return that they live productive and noncriminal
lives. Thus the social contract we make will be legal drugs in return for
legal, loving lives.
6. Protect society from the ravages of the drug war--from criminal
traffickers, from criminal drug addicts, and from criminal policemen. Large
scale, hard drug traffickers should be locked up. The same thing goes for
addicts that repeatedly break laws. Policemen who grossly misconduct
themselves should be put in prisons and jails with no special treatment
letting them out after a short term.
7. Provide low cost treatment of all kinds as often as needed to
addicts. A good network of treatment experts and facilities that meet the
individual needs of each addict is also needed.
8. Trim the criminals out of the drug-treatment business. Many of our
leading experts, including prestigious physicians, are abusing and stealing
from the public by locking people up needlessly and charging obscene fees.
These medical jackals must be controlled and only the best elements must be
encouraged to step in and help the addict.
9. Convince the police that they are among it's saddest victims of the
drug war and that they should be in the leadership role of the reform
movement. In that role, they can be very effective.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INHALE! #1 Feb '94 Hoffman II Page 6
Are You Being Watched?
"HEY! What about my rights?" you ask. Uhh, guess what--you don't have
that many left. After all this talk about the 200th anniversary of the Bill
of Rights in 1990, the Fourth Amendment means next to nothing if you have a
job in the private employer domain, which is where most Americans work. As
soon as you walk through their doors, you're not protected by the Bill of
Rights. This means if you find out that they are recording and/or monitoring
your phone calls, there is little you can do about it except ask them to
stop. This is only possible if you know it's going on, which you probably
won't. The increased anxiety on the part of employers concerning substance
abuse in the workplace has increased on-the-job surveillance. This can mean
anything from monitoring and/or recording phone calls to having undercover
cops put in the workplace.
A former police detective who now heads a company that deals in
undercover operations and drug education, explained to me how it works. "We
go in and we evaluate the situation as an independant source," he said.
"Management might have recieved anonymous tips, gotten complaints from other
employees, or maybe they've found paraphenalia out on the floor and all of a
sudden they start seeing increased absenteeism and low productivity hampering
the quality of their product. They suspect that something is taking place
that they can't see during day-to-day activities. So what we do is provide a
credible investigator, who then becomes the eyes and ears of the corporation,
recording everything he sees and hears."
An American Civil Liberties Union attorney has this to say on the topic
of undercover investigation in the workplace: "The practice is becoming more
and more common. It harkens back to company spies, Pinkertons, and now
in-store detectives. It's very problematic. It's not regulated by the
Constitution at all. It's a very dangerous practice and it has the same
characteristics as drug testing. Confidences you would share in the workplace
are not necessarily ones you would want your employer to overhear, and
although they say that they only give the employer drug-related information,
there's no way to know."
Employees in the public sector (ie: government employees) are better off
than private sector employees because supposedly the government has to adhere
to the Bill of Rights and people who work for Uncle Sam are therefore
protected by the Fourth Amendment. Distressingly, this is changing as the
rules are bent in the case of public sector employees who are "responsible for
public safety."
In two recent cases, the majority court held that urine tests are
searches but, in the case of these particular employees (customs guards and
railroad workers) testing was allowed without probable cause on the ground
that their Fourth Amendment rights were outweighed by the government's
interest in maintaining a drug-free workplace.
The new bi-partisan bill called the Borne-Hatch Bill is being sold
as a new way to regulate lab standards. What it really does is remove any
threat of an employer from being sued by an employee in the future. Already,
most law suits brought by employees against employers in relation to drug
testing have been lost, but some have been won. Removing that small threat of
retaliation will only open the flood gates for more random testing.
Ultimately, drug testing is being used as an excuse to take away all of
our freedoms and create a chemical police state. If you and the people you
know don't stop it, who will?
Partial credit to High Times June 1990
--All rights stolen by Nixon--
--Writers note:
While watching the Dr. Dean Edell show one time, there was a story of a
woman being fired from a company because a random drug test showed she had
NICOTINE in her blood! The company has an anti-smoking policy which includes
smoking at home. They escorted her out the door and fired her.
Sad but true.... Big brother is here, just not always in big government
but in big business as well.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INHALE! #1 Feb '94 Hoffman II Page 7
Have You Sold Your Political Values?
If you have picked up this newsletter and are still reading it, you have
probably, like a bunch of other people, figured out that most of what you have
been told your whole life is basically a big pack of lies, brought to you by
the joy of government propaganda. Like a crowd of other people, you are ready
and willing to reform/rebel against what you are forced to put up with. There
is one mistake that you must be careful not to make, some if not most people
already have. That mistake is losing sight of what is important, the real goal
of achieving change/rebellion.
Too many people and groups that want change get caught up in games.
Immature people that walk around saying, "I'm an elite anarchist!" and they
start insulting and fighting with people that have a slightly different
viewpoint is what we're talking about. They then become majorly screwed
individuals that don't do anything good because they spend a majority of their
time and energy arguing against those on the same side. Instead they should be
uniting against the government that has left them with a rotten earth, tries
to divide them through lies, and has oppressed them.
For the most part it is fairly easy to tell which side a person is on. Do
they sit around unaware of what is going on in the world around them? Do they
calmly accept that the government is right and set with thier fake morals
wrapped around them? Or have they become WILLING FOR CHANGE? It isn't all that
HARD to realize that if one is up against the government, fighting against
others on the same side is a real pointless and asinine thing to do.
Stay out of the ego wars. Join the SCA, the GA, or GreenPeace. There are
many groups fighting together for a common cause. Join one of these groups.
Remember, that only by uniting, taking refuge among ourselves, and taking
advantage of the opporutunity to stand out, not only up, can we make change.
We must belong to what we create. We must not make the same mistakes of those
in power. We must evolve past that, or we will become yet another regime in
power, repeating the failure of what we are supposedly fighting against.
Action by the whole, on the whole, will be our only movement for a
redeeming revolution. This time must mark the end of this wasted effort
brought by many generations of "pass me down politics". We must rebirth and
rise anew free of what hinders us if we are to survive.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
INHALE! #1 Feb '94 Page 8
Where to write for info and/or help on many different topics including
many of which are covered in this issue.
American Medical Marijuana Movement The closest NORML Chapter:
San Francisco HQ Normal N.O.R.M.L.
Dennis Peron--President P.O. Box 441
3745 Seventeenth St. Normal, IL 61761
San Fransico, CA 94114
(415) 864-1961 Illinois Marijuana Initiative
P.O. Box 2242
The Alliance for Cannabis Thereaputics Darien, IL 60559
P.O. Box 21210 (708)859-0499
Kalorama Station
Washington DC, 20009
(202)483-8595 American Civil Liberties Union
132 West 43rd St.
Family Council on Drug Awareness New York, NY 10036
P.O. Box 71093
Los Angeles, CA 90071-0093 National NORML HQ
(213)288-4152 1001 Connecticut Ave NW
Suite 1119
Nearest ACLU location Washington, DC 20036
ACLU of Illinois (202)483-5500
203 North Lasalle
Suite 1405 Criminal Justice Policy Foundation
Chicago, IL 60601 2000 L St.NW
Suite 702
The United Campus Coalition Washington, DC 20036
P.O.Box 341 (202)835-9075
Mill Valley, CA 94942
HIV positive, order prepared reg.
The Drug Policy Foundation packet for medical marijuana,
4801 Massachusetts Ave NW MARS Project $15 donation
Suite 400 P.O.Box 21210 requested
Washington, DC 20016-2087 Kalorama Station
(202)895-1634 Washington, DC 20009
The Illinois Drug Ethnics Alliance
P.O. Box 4205
Urbana, IL 61801
(217)367-5674
Where to lobby:
President Clinton Senator ............
1600 Pennsylvania Ave Senate Office Bldg.
Washington, DC 20500 Washington, DC 20515
Representative ............ Lloyd Bentsen Sec. of Treasury
U.S. House of Representatives 15th & Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington, DC 20515 Washington, DC 20220
United Nations Com. on Human Rights Exec Dir. John Healy
UN Plaza Amnesty International
New York, NY 10017 322 Eighth Ave.
New York, NY 10001
Donna Shalala (212)807-8400
Sec. of H

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Date: Wed, 02 Mar 94 10:26:11
Subject: "INFORMATION POLICY ONLINE"
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Status: RO
F
iiiiii iiiiii a INFORMATION POLICY ONLINE
ii ii aaa
ii ii aaa An Internet Newsletter
ii ii aaa published by the
ii ii aaaaaaaaa Information Industry Association
ii ii aaa 555 New Jersey Ave., N.W.
ii ii aaa Washington, DC 20001
ii ii aaa Internet: <iia.ipo@his.com>
iiiiii iiiiii aaaaaaa Volume 1, Number 1, March 1994
-----------------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************************
In this inaugural issue:
[1] About "INFORMATION POLICY ONLINE"
[2] About the Information Industry Association
Will the Real "IIA" Please Stand Up!
[3] Welcome! by Steve Metalitz, IIA/IPO Editor
[4] Giving Uncle Sam the Keys: Administration Embraces
Clipper
[5] Bills to Cut Off Access to DMV Records Greeted
Skeptically by House
Synopsis of IIA Testimony on H.R. 3365,
Driver's Privacy Protection Act, February 4
[6] IIA Proposes Bold Restructuring of Depository Library
System in Senate Testimony
[7] IIA Adopts Flexible Strategy for Telecommunications
Legislation
[8] Compilation Copyright at the Supreme Court: Round 2
in 1994? by Jim Schatz, IIA Proprietary Rights
Committee, and Marla Hoehn, Heins, Schatz and Paquin
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[1] ABOUT "INFORMATION POLICY ONLINE"
INFORMATION POLICY ONLINE (IIA-IPO) is an online newsletter
published on the Internet by the Information Industry Association
and distributed free of charge.
The purpose of the Newsletter is to inform readers of events
and activities affecting information policy, and to present an
information industry viewpoint concerning these events and
activities. The contents of IIA-IPO will be news, views, and
documents. _News_ will be factual briefings on legislative,
regulatory, and programmatic activities at the federal, state,
and local level that pertain to information policy. _Views_ will
be viewpoints on the news: an official IIA position, or other
viewpoints. _Documents_ will be online copies of documents
pertinent to information policy.
The target audience for IIA-IPO is any persons inside or
outside the information industry, members of IIA and nonmembers,
who are interested in information policy.
IIA-IPO is copyrighted by the Information Industry
Association; however, IIA-IPO is distributed without charge and
may be freely reproduced and redistributed. Please acknowledge
IIA-IPO as the source of the information when quoting or
redistributing the newsletter.
TO SUBSCRIBE TO IIA-IPO: Send the message "subscribe" to
<iiaipo-request@his.com>.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[2] ABOUT THE INFORMATION INDUSTRY ASSOCIATION
THE INFORMATION INDUSTRY ASSOCIATION, founded in 1968,
represents leading organizations involved in the generation,
processing, distribution and use of information. IIA is home
base for businesses offering the innovative products and services
that make up the information marketplace.
IIA's 500 member companies range from small entrepreneurial
enterprises to Fortune 500 firms -- from database providers to
hardware and software manufacturers, telecommunications companies
to financial institutions, print and CD-ROM publishers to
electronic and voice mail and messaging services, and market
research to venture capital firms.
Since its inception, IIA has been the only trade association
in the United States addressing the broad concerns and diverse
market needs of the dynamic information industry. In short, IIA
fosters a responsive and responsible forum for promoting a
competitive and growing information marketplace.
WILL THE "REAL" IIA PLEASE STAND UP!
Recently, the Internet has witnessed some discussion about
another IIA, the International Internet Association. The
Information Industry Association has no relationship with the
International Internet Association.
The Information Industry Association regrets any confusion
that may arise over the two IIA's, but has no intention of ceding
to the International Internet Association the use of the initials
IIA. The Information Industry Association was here first; this
IIA celebrated its 25 year anniversary last October!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[3] WELCOME!
by Steve Metalitz
Vice President and General Counsel, IIA
and Editor, Information Policy Online
Welcome to the first issue of Information Policy Online!
February is budget season in Washington. The backs of policy
wonks, reporters and lobbyists bend under the weight of volumes
of turgid prose and impenetrable charts, setting forth the
Administration's taxing and spending proposals for the fiscal
year beginning next October. Sighs of austerity and cries of
profligacy fill the air, as various interests seek to put their
spin on the newly unveiled numbers. Pundits take the vital
signs of the plans on Capitol Hill, and eventually the budget's
bird's-eye perspective gives way to the devilish details of how
the public's money will be spent.
This February, things were a bit different. Once again,
forests were sacrificed, and the Government Printing Office
spewed forth budget paper (over 2000 pages this year), but the
budget documents were also distributed in electronic form
(through dial-up access, Internet, and Commerce Department
CD-ROMs). The political messages, too, were a bit different. The
Administration stressed the importance of keeping the deficit
on a downward path, but at the same time it returned to the
theme of "investment in long-term economic growth," calling for
selected increases in spending along with the many proposed
spending cuts.
In true Washington fashion, the White House scooped the
mammoth budget release with the strategic leak to the news media
of a much shorter document: the list of 115 federal programs
President Clinton wants Congress to eliminate this year. Six of
these are library grant programs administered by the Department
of Education. But a closer review of the budget reveals that
programs for information dissemination were not only spared the
ax, but targeted for substantial increases, in the name of
"investment."
Some of the major boosts are contained in a line item called
"National Information Infrastructure." The National
Telecommunications and Information Administration (NTIA), part
of the Department of Commerce, had $26 million to spend this
year in hooking up non-profit institutions with Internet and
other networks. The proposal for next year: $100 million. The
National Technical Information Service (NTIS), also in
Commerce, is supposed to be self-supporting. But the President
wants to appropriate 18 million taxpayer dollars -- more than
one-quarter of the agency's 1994 budget -- for a "one-time pool
of investment capital to help support the electronic
dissemination of data generated by the Federal Government." The
big bucks come under the rubric of "High Performance Computing
and Communications," encompassing a number of federal
initiatives from support for supercomputing to funding of
Internet resources. HPCC spending by seven agencies is slated
to rise 23%, to $1.15 billion, in fiscal 1995. Also
participating in the HPCC largesse is perhaps the biggest single
winner among federal agencies: the National Institute of
Standards and Technology (NIST), yet another Commerce unit,
whose budget will nearly double (to $935 million), partly for
information infrastructure programs.
As the budget ritual unfolded, the U.S. Advisory Council on
the National Information Infrastructure convened its first
public session February 10. This group of two dozen private
sector representatives is (among other things) supposed to help
the government more clearly define the problem that its
information infrastructure spending programs should be targeting.
Not only the Advisory Council deliberations, but also the
spending programs sketched out in the 1995 budget, must be guided
by an appreciation for the value of information content. Once the
glitz and glitter of the exciting new networks, hardware, and
software has faded, content is the deliverable that will mean
the most to the customers of the NII -- whether they are
receiving "universal service" or participating in a true
information marketplace. IIA will be advocating the content
focus in the months ahead.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[4]
GIVING UNCLE SAM THE KEYS:
ADMINISTRATION EMBRACES CLIPPER
Last April 15, when the Clinton Administration unveiled its
plans to adopt the controversial "Clipper chip" technology for
encrypting government communications, it kicked off a
"comprehensive interagency review of encryption technology."
That review came to an abrupt conclusion February 4, with the
announcement that the Administration will steam full speed ahead
with Clipper.
Specifically, the February 4 decisions included:
- Approval of the "escrowed encryption standard" as a
voluntary Federal Information Processing Standard (FIPS).
Approval came despite virtually unanimous opposition to the
standard from business, academia, and public interest
groups. The Administration dismissed the opposition as
representing "misunderstanding or skepticism."
- Designation of two federal agencies as "escrow agents" to
hold the digital "keys" to every telephone and other
device manufactured with the Clipper chip system. The
National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) and a
Treasury Department unit will give U.S. law enforcement
access to communications encrypted using Clipper, upon
presentation of necessary legal documentation (usually a
search warrant).
- Limited streamlining of export control procedures for
encryption products. However, the Administration rejected
the idea of loosening up export controls generally, warning
that in that case encryption would "be used extensively by
terrorists, drug dealers and other criminals."
Even more troubling is the report that the Administration
may support a revived proposal to require redesign of digital
telecommunications systems to facilitate government monitoring.
The proposal, long a pet project of federal law enforcement
agencies, died on the vine during the Bush Administration, but
Clinton Administration support could breathe new life into this
costly idea, which IIA and most other industry and privacy groups
have long opposed. For the record, the Administration set up an
interagency group to "work with industry to ensure that new
digital telecommunications systems are designed in a way that
ensures that [they] do not prevent court-authorized wiretaps."
The next public discussion of the issues may take place at the
March 23-24 meeting of the federal Computer System Security and
Privacy Advisory Board, at which the February 4 announcements
will be reviewed.
Meanwhile, IIA has joined with numerous other associations
in urging support for legislation (H.R. 3627) to liberalize
export control policies on encryption technology. A letter to
Chairman Lee Hamilton of the House Foreign Affairs Committee,
cosigned by groups ranging from the ACLU to the U.S. Telephone
Association, points out that "the main impact of export controls
on crytography today is to limit American citizens' and
corporations' access to high quality privacy protection."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[5]
BILLS TO CUT OFF ACCESS TO DMV RECORDS
GREETED SKEPTICALLY BY HOUSE
The proposed Driver's Protection Privacy Act "gets
Congress off on the wrong foot," by presuming that records held
by state departments of motor vehicles (DMVs) should be closed
to the public, IIA Vice President and General Counsel Steve
Metalitz told the Civil and Constitutional Rights Subcommittee
of the House Judiciary Committee February 4. Metalitz testified
on the second day of hearings on H.R. 3365, introduced by Rep.
James Moran (D-VA).
The DPPA was motivated by use of DMV records to stalk and
harass citizens. Groups representing crime victims
enthusiastically supported reducing access to DMV and other
records held by state governments. But the hearings also
showcased opposition to the current bill from press groups,
direct marketers, and private investigators, as well as IIA.
Some of these criticisms seemed to strike a responsive chord
with subcommittee members, including Rep. Don Edwards (D-CA),
the panel chair, who emphasized that the House would not rush to
rubber-stamp the DPPA's earlier approval (without any hearings)
by the Senate.
IIA's testimony urged Congress to "target the specific
abuses" of DMV records that have been identified, while
maintaining that "records collected by government should be
presumed public, and generally accessible, unless it is
necessary to restrict public access in order to protect privacy
or achieve a similarly important social goal." IIA also argues
that the DPPA "uses the wrong tool -- criminal penalties -- for
the job it proposes to undertake," and urged Congress to "totally
decouple" any access restrictions from criminal sanctions.
Despite the skepticism expressed by some House subcommittee
members, the DPPA continues to enjoy a favorable prognosis,
since the Senate has already passed a version of the
legislation as an amendment to the crime bill, a "must-pass"
measure in the current Congress. It appears that the House
subcommittee will seek to mark up an alternative measure on DMV
records, perhaps as soon as early March.
SYNOPSIS OF IIA TESTIMONY ON H.R. 3365,
DRIVER'S PRIVACY PROTECTION ACT
FEBRUARY 4, 1994
The Information Industry Association believes
that the DPPA, in its current form, does not strike the right
balance between privacy concerns and fundamental principles of
public access to public records.
Access to public records is important to American businesses
and consumers, as well as serving other important roles in our
democratic society. Among other uses, we rely on records from
state Departments of Motor Vehicles (DMVs), as well as land,
court, voter registration, corporate filing, and other public
records, to make it faster, cheaper and more efficient to --
- extend credit to individuals and businesses;
- detect and combat fraud;
- conduct litigation and enforce court orders;
- undertake "due diligence" investigations before hiring
employees or concluding business deals;
- conduct survey research;
- make siting and land use decisions; and
- undertake marketing efforts.
The DPPA gives short shrift to these benefits because it
treats DMV records as "presumed secret," subject only to listed
exceptions. A "presumed public" approach would be more
consistent with our legal framework for access to public
records. Congress could begin by making it a federal crime to
use DMV records for illegal purposes, which DPPA does not do.
Federal legislation should then focus on specific uses which
are vulnerable to abuse --in the case of DMV records, license
plate look-ups of names and residential addresses. While most
of these are legitimate, Congress could, if necessary, define
which look-ups should be prohibited. This would leave a broad
spectrum of other uses free of unneeded federal restrictions.
Under the DPPA approach, state DMVs will inevitably be drawn
into expensive, time-consuming and intrusive inquiries about the
purposes and motivations of members of the public who seek
access to DMV records. These costs could be reduced, though not
eliminated, by broader exceptions to the access ban. Access for
legitimate purposes could be preserved by clarifying the
exceptions for litigation use, survey research, verification,
antifraud measures, and marketing, including a longer time
period for implementing any "opt-out" systems.
The criminal sanctions of the DPPA, especially the
Senate-passed version, will have a chilling effect on legitimate
uses. Criminal law is the wrong tool for enforcing information
practices rules. DPPA should be decoupled from criminal sanctions
as much as possible.
Under DPPA, the federal government would control areas of
traditional state concern: defining, and regulating access to,
public records. States should have more flexibility to achieve
the objectives of the legislation. If Congress decides sweeping
federal pre-emption is needed, it should also require uniform
treatment of requests for access to DMV records.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[6]
IIA PROPOSES BOLD RESTRUCTURING OF DEPOSITORY
LIBRARY SYSTEM IN SENATE TESTIMONY
On February 3 and 10, the Senate Committee on Rules and
Adminstration held hearings on Title XIV of H.R. 3400,
legislation to implement the Clinton Administration's National
Performance Review recommendations, and other proposals to
change the role of the Government Printing Office. While much of
the testimony focused on allocation of responsibilities for
government printing, IIA took the opportunity to urge the
Senate to "reinvent" the Depository Library Program to better
meet the needs of information users.
In his testimony on February 3, Public Printer Michael
DiMario argued that a centralized information distribution system
was essential to keep costs of the program down and to ensure
that all documents (including agency electronic documents) are
made available. OMB Deputy Director Alice Rivlin defended the
Clinton Adminstration's position that GPO's traditional monopoly
over federal government printing should be eliminated "by
devolving printing procurement responsibility to the agencies and
by giving the President responsibility for printing policy-making
for the Executive Branch." She stressed GPO's role as a
"value-added service provider" to federal agencies, and
testified that "this model -- GPO as a competitive service
provider in a context where agencies decide how best to carry out
their missions -- should apply to all facets of GPO's
business...". The Administration proposal calls for no immediate
changes in the depository library system.
IIA's testimony at the February 10 hearing addressed H.R.
3400 as introduced and as adopted by the House. IIA Vice
President Steve Metalitz expressed support for the
Administration's proposal to write into law dissemination
policies included in OMB's Circular A-130, but pointed out
several provisions in the House-passed version of H.R. 3400
which are of concern to the IIA, notably those which transfer
lead responsibility for federal information dissemination to
the Library of Congress without any guidance as to how that
institution is to carry out this function. The House-passed bill
would give the Superintendent of Documents a virtual "blank
check" to remedy situations where he believes that agencies are
not providing "adequate access" to government documents.
IIA's testimony went on to outline a model for significantly
reforming the Depository Library Program in response to fiscal
and technological pressures. "The reformed system should be
demand-driven, consumer-oriented, and characterized by choice
and diversity. It should reflect sound information policy
principles, and should empower those most knowledgeable about
the information needs and desires of library users: librarians."
Metalitz urged the Senate to consider a "direct support"
model, in which libraries would use federal funds to acquire
information products directly from federal agencies, from
multi-agency sources, from non-profit or private sector
providers or a combination of sources. The direct support
system, he noted, would give libraries more flexibility to
tailor their government information acquisitions to meet the
needs of their customers; anticipate technological trends that
favor decentralization of information resources; and make
agencies directly accountable to libraries as customers.
Neither of the Senators present for the February 10 hearing --
chairman Wendell Ford (D-KY) and ranking Republican Ted
Stevens (R-AK) --asked many specific questions about IIA's
proposed direct support model for the Depository Library System.
However, it was apparent that neither Senator had much
enthusiasm for either the original or House-passed version of
H.R. 3400. The fate of the legislation, which contains numerous
provisions falling within the jurisdiction of other committees,
remains uncertain.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[7]
IIA ADOPTS FLEXIBLE STRATEGY
FOR TELECOMMUNICATIONS LEGISLATION
IIA has adopted a flexible strategy to assure that the
information industry remains active in the very fluid atmosphere
surrounding telecommunications legislation on Capitol Hill. The
issue at hand is the definition that Congress will use to
establish pro-competitive safeguards for regional Bell
operating companies that wish to participate in the information
services market. IIA has long supported a broad definition of
"enhanced services" established by the Federal Communications
Commission in 1980. However, none of the bills currently pending
before Congress adheres to this definition. The Senate bill, S.
1822, is better than the House bill in this regard, since the
Senate proposal includes an expanded definition of "electronic
publishing" subject to full safeguards, and provides limited
safeguards for the full range of enhanced services.
House and Senate committees have put the issue on the fast
track, with subcommittee mark-ups in the House scheduled before
March 1. The Senate Commerce Committee began hearings February
23, and plans completion of its bill before the end of March.
IIA will seek the most inclusive definition possible
for information services subject to pro-competitive safeguards
-- even if it should prove impossible to gain the full
protection offered by the "enhanced services" definition. IIA
intends to remain an active participant in crafting effective
telecommunications legislation that will serve the best interests
of the information industry as a whole.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[8]
COMPILATION COPYRIGHT AT THE SUPREME COURT:
ROUND 2 IN 1994
by Jim Schatz, Chair, IIA Proprietary Rights Committee
and Marla A. Hoehn, Heins, Schatz & Paquin
Ever since the U.S. Supreme Court decided the _Feist
Publications_ case in 1991, information companies have been
waiting for clearer signals from the courts about the scope and
strength of copyright in compilations, including directories,
collections of public domain materials, and factual databases.
Now, cases on yellow pages directories, baseball pitching
statistics forms, and personal organizers have found their way
through the judicial system, and offer the high court a change to
clarify its _Feist_ ruling.
_Bellsouth Advertising & Publishing Corp v. Donnelley Info.
Publishing, Inc._, 999 F.2d 1436 (11th Cir. 1993), _petition for
cert._ filed (No. 93-862; Nov. 30, 1993) is a yellow pages
copyright case. In developing its own directory, defendant used
certain information in plaintiff's directory, including the name,
address, telephone number, business type and unit of advertising
of each of plaintiff's subscribers. In September, the full
Eleventh Circuit Court of Appeals (based in Atlanta) held that
this did not amount to copyright infringement because no original
elements of selection, coordination, or arrangement of the first
directory were copied. The court concluded that plaintiff's
grouping of individual listings under appropriate headings was
not "original." Although finding that defendant actually took a
"substantial" amount of information from plaintiff's directory,
the Court nevertheless decided that similarities in headings
between the parties' directories was due more to functional
considerations and standard industry practice than to the fact
that defendant copied plaintiff's headings.
A strong dissenting opinion argued that plaintiff's
independent selection of headings for its directory, its
assignment of listings to the various headings, and its selection
of businesses to include in the directory were acts of
originality warranting copyright protection. The dissent noted
that the defendant's subject headings were based on the
plaintiff's, and concluded that the second yellow pages directory
was "substantially similar" in arrangement to the first one,
including the repetition of telltale errors.
In _Kregos v. Associated Press_, 3 F.3rd 656 (2nd Cir.
1993), _petition for cert. filed_ (No. 93-863; Nov. 30, 1993),
the Second Circuit Court of Appeals in New York considered
whether the defendant violated the plaintiff's copyright in a
form presenting statistics on baseball pitchers. Ultimately, the
court held that the plaintiff was entitled to copyright
protection, but that the defendant had not committed an
infringement, because four of the ten statistical categories used
in the defendant's form differed from those in the plaintiff's
form.
The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco reached
a different result in _Harper House, Inc. v. Thomas Nelson,
Inc._, 1993 WL 346546 (9th Cir. Sept. 10, 1993), a case involving
competing personal organizers. The court concluded that
plaintiff's organizers were entitled to only limited copyright
protection, they consisted largely of uncopyrightable elements
such as blank forms. However, because defendant's organizers
contained 63 out of 76 sticker label headings contained in
plaintiff's organizers, and because of other close similarities,
the court found sufficient evidence to show "bodily
appropriation" of the selection, coordination and arrangement of
plaintiff's organizers, even though there were also differences
in the selection or arrangement of sections.
As it happens, all three of these decisions were issued in
early September, and parties in all three cases have asked the
U.S. Supreme Court for a ruling. The Supreme Court hears only a
small fraction of cases presented to it, and generally decides
only one or two copyright cases each year. However, the fact
that three different courts of appeal have applied the _Feist_
decision differently could help persuade the Supreme Court to
consider these cases, in order to resolve apparent
inconsistencies. The Court will probably decide this spring
whether to consider any of the cases; if it agrees to do so, a
final decision would probably come by mid-1995. IIA will
consider filing a friend of the court brief if the Supreme Court
agrees to hear any of these cases.
On January 24, 1994, the Supreme Court denied the petition
for certiorari in the BAPCO case. Also, the press has reported a
pending settlement of the Harper House case. It appears,
therefore, that the remaining chance for the Supreme Court to
clarify its Feist decision rests with the Kregos case. IIA will
monitor these cases for impact on the interests of information
companies.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
President of the IIA: Kenneth B. Allen
Editor of Information Policy Online: Steven J. Metalitz, IIA
Vice President and General Counsel
Consulting Editor: J. Timothy Sprehe, Sprehe Information
Management Associates
For messages to IIA-IPO: <iia.ipo@his.com>
Voice: (202) 639-8262. Fax: (202) 638-4403.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
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Introduction.00200
Elvis Lives!.02617
Clue: 1991.05707
POP: 101.09687
Other Companies.16126
Video Reviews.22658
Cereals Today.27265
God Reviews.31534
Tens.34540
Ending Comments.37901
###
T h e L o b o t o m i s t ' s D i g e s t
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
I s s u e O n e
"Factual inconsistancies are in the shrunken
mind of the reader."
- Paragon Dude
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
INTRODUCTION
From the Bloody Scrawls of Lord Shadowkeeper
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Well, folks, welcome to the Lobotomist's Digest, another fine
publication from the twisted minds of several madmen. Humorists,
satirists, notorious pirates, and all-around fun-loving maniacs.
That's right. If you haven't guessed it already, this isn't
your standard underground pirate magazine. The Digest doesn't have
features on "Piracy in Mozambique". We do not have articles on "How
We Can Totally Annihilate the 24oo User". No hack/phreak/anarchy
stuff on the lines of "How to Make an Explosive Using Aluminum Foil,
Toothpaste, Common Kitchen Utensils, and Spam". No game reviews.
And of course, no ANSI pics, VGA loaders, or ads for the member
boards inside the magazine. We see enough of them already taking up
25% of the space inside the games we download.
Sorry 'bout that. There's enough of that stuff out there in the
current pirate magazines.
The purpose of this magazine is to provide you with a few
laughs, not just upload credit to feed that insatiable of all
beasts - the file ratio. It's great compiling together a magazine,
but unless people take time to read it full, it doesn't serve its
purpose. It's like being stuck in a room with a nymphomaniac.
Having her desiring you madly is only half the fun.
Well, that's enough. The Head Writer would have liked to have
said a few words, but unfortunately I haven't the foggiest idea where
the hell he is. Knowing Paragon Dude, he's going over a hundred
miles an hour down a suburban side street, half a gram of coke up his
nose, and a cheerleader pulling off her tube top in the next seat.
(Sigh) (Grumble) More from me later. Just read the issue.
- <20>
Publisher
(Head Executioner)
###
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20>Elvis Lives!<21>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
With all the incredible events over in the Soviet Union in the
last few days, I'm sure you probably figured out that I'd been glued
to my TV set watching the news. Well, you're wrong. My *sister* was
glued to the television set, and probably will stay that way for
quite awhile now that I've thrown out the bottle of SuperGlue
Remover.
In any case, I managed to catch bits and pieces of the news
through the various areas of the TV which my sister wasn't covering,
and lemme tell you, this is heavy stuff. The dismantling of the
hardliner regime. The destruction of many statues representing
various Evil Russians Leaders (tm). The accidental release of 65,000
Self-Winding Walk'n'Talk Yeltsin Dolls. All major events which will
probably affect the people's views of the toy industry for years to
come. What's next? Some say China. Some say Cuba. Some say
Hasbro. We'll have to wait and see.
There are a number of other things I managed to catch on
television. For instance, recently shown on a local PBS (motto:
"*Someone* has to be this boring.") channel was an inspirational
special on Nixon which I didn't watch. I hope someone taped it.
With packing tape. But right after it was a special on Elvis, which
I had turned on in one of my more masochistic moments. And that's
when it hit me.
Like some sort of incredible spiritual revelation, the type of
thing a certain friend of mine gets whenever we eat out with some
friends and the check comes and he suddenly gets this sudden
realization that, wow, he has no money, but anyway, I realized...
that... Elvis... (whaddya mean, what's the deal with these ellipses?
How else do I build up tension???) looks... just... like... Vanilla
Ice!!!
Good Lord.
Just to prove it to yourself, look at pictures of them side-by
side. Don't they look incredible alike? The hair style, the face,
the build, the IQ... we're talking carbon copies here! They even
have the same following, a 100:0 girl:guy fan ratio. I don't like
either one. None of my friends like either one. Nobody but every
whining pre-teen Barbie-toting female in America like[d] them.
But that's just the thing. I'll bet, that after all these
years, after all 240,934,976 National Enquirer articles about Elvis
and how some woman in a backwards Kansas town claims to have had
carried his child, that he didn't really die. He escaped to some
small Mexican town where the latest music they had was 4/5ths of a LP
of Frank Sinatra singing "I Love New York" with the remaining 1/5th
piece missing filled in with a few layers of hardened tortillas.
Played on a styrofoam cup with a pine needle stuck in the bottom of
it. So he eventually got so fed up he came back to assault the world
yet again, but on a different tack-- rap music. And again, only
girls liked him.
Excuse me... the tape fell off my sister's mouth.
###
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20> PARKER BROTHER'S PRESENT: <20>
<20> <20>
<20> C L U E : 1 9 9 1 <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Remember Clue?
Sure you do! That's right! Clue! The old boardgame where
you play the high-and-mighty detective and try to solve the
gruesome murder of some idiotic, naive millionaire who died in his
home. You play on a cheap cardboard board resembling the layout
of Mr. Victim's mansion and using playing cards, fuzzy die, and
your lowly wits you try to deduct who was the murderer, the
motive, and the time of the death.
There are about six or seven different suspects. All of
whom have really silly names. From Professor Plum to Miss
Scarlet; Colonel Mustard to Mr. Greene. Real original. And
included in a plastic bag that is almost impossible to open -
about five different primitive weapons from a revolver to the
silliest weapon of them all - the candlestick.
So much for that.
Realizing that we should have done this earlier, we, at
Parker Brother's have decided to bring your favorite murder
boardgame into the '90s by introducing you to "Clue: 1991". A
game that we deem to be a hit among both old and young alike who
are tired of playing the same tiring scenarios again and again
and are bored as hell playing our VCR version.
Among our new and exciting modifications in Clue: 1991 are:
New Rooms! The mansion has been completely remodeled for
the 1990s, folks. Long gone are library, the ballroom, and the
lounge! The gym, the pool/spa, and the den come to our new
version. The mansion is now filled with modern, psychedelic
decor and shaped like an octogon!
New Weapons! Now you and your friends can include the
modern world of murder and assassination into the mystery with
the addition of the Uzi submachinegun, the switchblade, the 9mm
Parabellum, and assorted ninja weapons!
New Characters! Tired of Mrs. Peacock? Well, we've decided
to add a few new characters to increase the suspense and liven up
the plot a little! Joining the already marvelous cast of
characters are: Mr. Von Hammer, the bodybuilder from Austria;
Senator Stuart, the adulterous bribe-taking U.S. Senator; Miss
Jones, the sulterous, power-hungry model; Mr. Steele, a tough ex-
cop and kung-fu master; and Mr. Rogers, a sadomasochistic kid-
show host.
And...
New Plots! Now, you can agonize for hours to piece together
some of the most intricate plots known to murder mysteries! No
more easy plotlines that even an idiot can spew out: "Colonel
Mustard killed Mr. Greene in the ballroom at 6:00 with the lead
pipe." No more confining the game to the death of Mr. Victim -
another character can kill another one during the course of the
investigation!
With this in mind, now you can strain your brains with these
beauties!
Miss Jones murdered Mr. Steele, after he discovered her
hidden past in prostitution and X-Rated films and then a latter
attempt to blackmail her for sex. At 8:00 Greenwich Mean Time,
Miss Jones approached Steele in the Pool/Spa room seductively
wearing only a transparent slip. Throwing Steele off guard,
Jones then threw her vibrator into the jacuzzi, frying him on the
spot.
or
Mr. Rogers killed Mr. von Hammer by filling his body with
his bullets from his Uzi in the Gym while lifting weights at 9:00
Central Mountain Time. The reasoning was simple: Roger's kid
show was going to be canceled by the network brass and replaced
by "Pump Me Up, Hans!" - Von Hammer's exercise show.
That's right, kids! With a game like that, prepare
yourselves for hours of excitement, intrigue, and passion with
the new Clue: 1991! Coming this fall to a store near you!
###
TRANSCRIPT OF P.O.P. 101
[begin transcript]
Good morning, class. Welcome to Pissing Off People 101. Since this is
our first class we'll just go over the general plan of the year and, if
we have time, get to dislike each other.
First off, you must remember one thing above all else: your primary
objective, no matter what else occurs in your life, is to annoy the hell
out of people. I know that sounds a bit drastic, but understand that
we exist for this purpose. Those of you who look surprised will soon
realize I am right. Don't argue yet, the time for that will come after
this quarter's final. No questions either.
Our basic plan this year is outlined on the handout you just received.
Please fill out the top with your worst enemy's name just to help
yourself get psyched. Put yesterday's date, it will confuse me and
start you on what will be a productive year. You also might want to
mark all your assignments, especially from other teachers, with the
wrong date. Remember I am not responsible.
Above all, if anyone asks about this class, simply tell them "Fuck
off!" or "Shut up, dick!". Don't give a pansy "Well, gee, golly..."
response, for it only provokes either hatred or sympathy, both which
will make annoying people much, much more difficult. Hatred will
cause the person to simply ignore your attempts, which means that
to lure them back, using despicable means such as kindness, to the
point that they seriously pay attention to you to piss you off.
Sometimes hatred can be used in useful ways; we will be discussing
that later in the year. Sympathy causes the victim to simply shrug
off your attempts, and you will have to resort to insulting, or even
violence, to get their attention. Those topics aren't going to be
discussed this year, but will be discussed in AP P.O.P. for those of
you who wish to continue this line of education. Kindness will only
briefly be touched on seeing as how it violates school policy
somewhat.
"Fuck off!" and "Shut up, dick!" are obviously only replies you
should resort to in desperation, for they are relatively weak and do
not do their job well. One of the first topics we will cover is
creating and memorizing such replies. Again, for those of you
continuing to AP, we will practice improvising such replies.
We will touch on many forms of annoyance. Among the easiest is
what is known as "The Wimp Syndrome", which, although generally
pooh-poohed as weak and unproductive, can still have quite an
effect on your victim. Other useful techniques such as "The Damn
Bitch Maneuver" and obscure techniques such as "The DBQ" and
"Geraldo's Folly" will be covered.
OK, class, that's the bell. Sit down. We're going to wait an
extra 30 seconds just to annoy the hall monitors and your next
period's teacher, and above all YOU. Does anyone have a free
period next? John? Anyone else? OK, John, you may leave first.
The rest of you will have to wait. Now that John has left, here's
the first homework assignment, which I don't want anyone to tell
him. I want you to write a 15-page essay on the last time someone
pissed you off. Got it? Good. See everyone next time!
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
TRANSCRIPT OF P.O.P. 101 D
WEEK 2
Hello class. I hope everyone had a just marvelously terrible week.
I'm sure many of you did, but I don't want to hear anything about it,
because I already know about it. We here in the Humanities
Department worked very hard to make each and every one of you have a
terrible week. This school works harder for you than you realize.
Now, since all of you missed last week... what? Yes, you did! Don't
you dare try to tell me I told you there wasn't a class, because you
know damn well this is Pissing Off People 101 and there's few things
more annoying to a student than missing a class because he or she
thought there wasn't a class. You should've been expecting me to do
that. It merely shows you are a bunch of brainless, inexperienced
POP-ers. Shut up.
As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted (which I must
commend you on, the interruption technique can be a very delicate
operation in POP culture), since all of you missed last week, the
homework that was due then will now be worth only half credit. Who
did it? Jamie? You didn't do it? Good, good, that's a good way to
get a teacher annoyed at you. I'm going to give you an 'A' just to
piss off your classmates. Now, for the rest of you, I want you to
either make your papers into paper airplanes, to throw around at your
next class (Johnny, since you have off next period, why not do it
now?) or else shred them up and strew them all over the front lawn,
just to annoy the custodians. Oh yes, who told Johnny about the
homework? I told you not to! Damn this class is good.
Who came unprepared? Sammy? Johnny? Carol? Good. The rest of you
must give your pens or pencils to those three, so you can't take
notes. Yes, Suzy, you may use your lipstick to take notes, but not
on your paper; I want you to write it on Anna's textbook. Yes.
First off we will discuss the Wimp Syndrome, a easily-learned and
relatively effective way to annoy people. Yes, Luke, the DBQ *is*
related to this. However, you must realize, teachers love it when
students bring up outside knowledge, so I'm going to give you an 'F'
for style. You should know better than that.
The Wimp Syndrome, which is also known as the Asshole Method, and the
Chamberlain Movement, has often been confused with various yuppie and
nerd afflictions. The Wimp Syndrome, which, as Luke was stupid
enough to point out, is the background for the DBQ, can be
characterized by an unerringly constant "run" method, wherein the
subject taunts "jocks", "bullies", and other lower forms of POP-ers,
by trying to show off their knowledge. You may consider this the
essence of the Nerd Group, but it has little similarity. Who's
taking Dr. Mindfritz's nerd-busting course? Good, I want you three
to each write a 20-minute oral report on the similarities and
differences. And don't expect to get any help from me, I've got off
this week and am flying down to Hawaii. I'll send you all postcards,
and next week when we come back I'm gonna show you 2500 slides. Even
if I have to repeat some of them.
So see you next week, class!
###
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<20>COMPANIES YOU PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF<4F>
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R.S.L. Corporation
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Started in the early 1500's (B.C.), the Random Street Lunatic
Corporation was initially started to meet the needs of crime-fighting
forces throughout the world. Although an internationally acclaimed
company, and the second-longest-lasting corporation in the history of
business itself, it has only recently received public attention.
Its services are not open for public or private usage, and in fact
it is employed solely by the various governments of the world, in
order to make sure that their respective police forces always have
something to do to earn their wages. Few countries, in fact, do not
use its services; among these few are Iceland, which instead hires the
Polar Bear Wanderer's Club, and Luxembourg, whose police force
consists entirely of two old men in their late 70s who don't want to
waste time running around arresting RSL members. They are, in fact,
former RSL employees.
Jobs are always available, but on a volunteer basis only. Wages
are earned by the number of people you harass; double if they are in
a hurry, triple if it's in New York City. "If someone tries to give
you money, take it and spit in their face," is the first line from
their manual.
I.S.E., Inc.
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Started unofficially sometime in the late 70s or so, the I.S.E. or
"I Seen Elvis" non-profit organization has already encompassed a work
force of nearly 27 people. Despite repeated bombing threats from
Jerry Lee Lewis and B. B. King, the company with the motto "Honk if
you seen him too" continues to survive and even thrive. What they
actually DO for a living, and where they get their money from, is
unknown. They have all, however, "seen the King."
Cab Drivers Anonymous
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A non-profit organization with the sole intent of curing chronic
cab drivers afflicted with NYCSS (pronounced in medical lingo,
"bleah"), the New York City Speeding Syndrome. Cabbies afflicted with
this disease have been known to drive at speeds upwards of 2500 mph,
even around corners, and the worst cases have actually achieved lift-
off.
A severe impediment as a side-effect of the disease causes the
drivers to completely forget the shortest route to their rider's
destination, and to occasionally take "scenic routes" five or six
hundred miles out of the way.
Branches are planned to open in Chicago, Miami, Los Angeles, San
Francisco, Dallas, Philadelphia, Denver, and Champagne, IL, as cases
of NYCSS have been appearing all over the country. (The fact that a
case appeared in Champagne, IL, is surprising; it had been formerly
thought that NYCSS was caused in part by the stress and demand that
large populations created on taxi companies. Champagne has only 13
people living in it, and the mayor doubles as the cabbie. You can see
what sort of problems might arise if you had a raving lunatic for
mayor... Oh, wait, New Yorkers already do).
Andromeda Insurance Company
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Only recently uncovered in the massive BCCI ("Bucci") scandal was
a small but incredibly profitable insurance company whose major
stockholders are unknown. The only traces of their current addresses
within the AIC files are cryptic numbers and names which seem to
roughly correspond to the astronomical cataloging ID numbers for
nearby (i.e. within 5000 light-years) galaxies.
They also, apparently, paid the U.S. State Department and The
National Enquirer a heck of a lot of money to not publicize a short-
lived venture into the growing biochemistry industry, wherein they
purchased a small cloning firm and accidentally created and set loose
45 million identical door-to-door insurance salesmen. Industry
experts speculate that this catastrophe was reminiscent of other
possibly preventable accidents, such as those of Exxon, Union Carbide,
and Richard Nixon.
The Marcos Shoe C/R Union
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Although the extent of its activities has been reduced to a yearly
reunion and an occasional crash party at a leather factory, the Marcos
Shoe Creation/Repair Union was, at its heyday, the largest and most
powerful shoe union world-wide.
Its power stemmed mainly from the 27,690 shoe makers and repairers
which were its members. All but 12 of them were housed in a huge
complex on a previously undiscovered tropical island 128 miles
northwest of the Philippines; of the remaining few, four were Imelda
Marcos' personal shoe slaves and lived with her, three were in hiding
due to international warrants issued by the United States for
violating the Shoelace/Acorn Exportation/Immigration Treaty of 1845,
one disappeared one night with the daughter of a wealthy leather
salesman, and the remaining four lived on fat pensions in a cozy
little town smack-dab in the middle of Inner Mongolia.
A subdivision of the Marcos Union Affiliate, which included the
Marcos Endangered Frog Union, the Marcos Cheap Suit Salesmen Union,
and Planned Parenthood, was disbanded in the 1980s due to, according
to the former executive director, a "world-wide shortage... of
leather, alligator skins, and those little pink pom-poms you put on
those rabbit-shaped slippers, you know?"
Richard Nixon Fan Club
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Although Richard Nixon is no longer the President of the United
States, nor even worthy of political cartoons, the Richard Nixon Fan
Club somehow manages to survive, which is made even more incredible by
the fact that, per se, there are no employees whatsoever. Mysterious
pamphlets with no return address in the mail arrive daily at the Nixon
residence with postmarks from across the nation, yet, when last
checked, the only current occupants of the RNFC main headquarters are
a 18-year-old bottle of Lysol, a half-eaten Hershey's bar wrapped in a
pro-Nixon advertisement, ashes of what appears to have been the
original manuscript for "The Pentagon Papers", and a dusty voodoo doll
of Mao Tse Dung.
Where it gets its money, etc., is entirely unknown. (A smaller
branch of this club, the Spiro Agnew/Dan Quayle For President Club,
filed Chapter 11 twice in one day with the Champagne, IL, branch of
the U.S. Treasury Department at the end of the 1990 fiscal year).
###
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20> Video Reviews <20>
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Sure, you've seen them. "The New York Times's Guide to Video",
"Leonard Maltin's Video Picks", or "Charles Manson's Guide to the
Best Murder Flicks on Video." The newspapers and magazines are
flooded with them.
Video guides.
They occupy a small little column on the side of the critic's
latest nightmarish review for the latest Van Damme flick, and give a
little summary of the movie as well as a rating from "Poor" to
"Megalithic Cinemagraphic Work of Art Waiting to Be Worshipped By
Generations to Come".
They're great, aren't they? Well, in the spirit of People
Magazine, USA Today, and "Muscles Galore" magazine, we at The
Lobotomist's Digest present our six favorite video classics just to
create some filler space for this issue. Just our version of the
game reviews in a regular pirate magazine...
The Lobotomist's Digest's Film Picks of the Month
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Cop of Fortune (1990) - Before making "Stone Cold", Paramount studio
producers created this action-adventure starring Michael Jackson as,
you guessed it, an ex-football player turned cop. In this thriller,
one of Jackson's midget friends is gunned down by a Mafia hitman, and
when the Gloved One is pulled off the case by the chief of police
(singer Mick Jagger), he turns in his badge and decides to avenge his
friend's death above all costs.
Even if it means going through a hundred and twenty minutes of high-
speed, expensive sportscar chases through the streets of Paris,
chasing foreign spies through Nebraskan corn fields with a machete,
shootouts with guerillas in El Salvador, crusing down treacherous
Alpine passes on one ski, and numerous liaisons with beautiful, sexy
women. Jackson does it all.
A monumental performances by Steven Segal as the Mafia hitman who
loves guns so much, he kills people who try to pass him on the
highway.
The Terror of Tiny Town (1982) - Another all-dwarf and midget movie
along the lines of Commando and the Nightmare on Elm Street series.
A must see. Stars the late David Rappaport of "Willow" fame.
Santa Claus Conquers the Surf Nazis (1987) - The Surf Nazi's are back
on the shores of California, aiming to spread the word of the Fuhrer
to the people of San Vilatin above all costs. Their evil plot is
foiled when two children, Billy and Betty, manage to get word to
Santa Claus by sending him a letter asking for their freedom for
Christmas.
Old Saint Nick gets a hold of the letter right before the Surf Nazi's
begin to brainwash the entire town with their hypnotic surfboards,
and immediately sets off in his slay with his trustworthy elf Hans
(Arnold Schwartzenegger) to liberate the town with their "gifts" of
hi-tech automatic weapons, grenades, and explosives.
Norman to Norma (1989) - This unfairly X-Rated film features Paul
Reubens (Pee-Wee Herman) as a confused homosexual who opts for a sex-
change operation. The result being Traci Lords. There's something
in this movie for everyone.
Trapped! (1989) - Six women are trapped in a New York skyscraper
when a sadistic serial killer rampages throughout the building for no
apparent reason. An originality prize to the producers!
The action begins in the first fifteen minutes of the movie while the
girls are modeling the new "summer line" of Victoria's Secret
lingerie for each other when the killer suddenly appears with his
bloody axe, offering to give them a head start before he begins his
"night of macabre massacre". Seconds later, girls wearing only
slinky nighties are brandishing M-16s from nowhere and spraying
gunfire.
Academy award nominations to the plaid-shirted killer/geek, played by
Jim Nabors ("Gomer Pyle") who manges to survive being stabbed
repeatedly in the neck with a nail file, strangled, hit on the head
with a hammer, pushed off a twenty-story building, and gunned down
sixty-eight times.
Invaders from Mars! (1990) - The best in Sci-Fi! This monumental
film work features robot invaders dressed in cheap gorilla costumes
and motorcycle helmets. Landing in Kalamazoo, Michigan, the monsters
are out in search of their idols - Dan Quayle and Richard Nixon - to
worship them as gods.
Stars Boy George and Gary Coleman in their best work yet as two Idaho
potato farmers that are brainwashed by the invaders.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*
###
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<20> Cereal In America Today <20>
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Today's topic, boys and girls, is America. I chose this
mainly because, earlier this month, a friend of mine gave me the
opportunity to not see the movie Robin Hood. I must say that I
thoroughly enjoyed not seeing it and I had a great time.
The main reason I didn't want to see it was that, about twelve
commercials (a new unit of time I suspect the network channels are
trying to put into general usage) after I first saw the commercial
for the movie, I saw a commercial for the cereal. As most of you
probably didn't know, I am a great anti-cereal activist, and this
was simply another sign that America was going to pot, er, bowl,
because of the Cereal Revolution.
Originally I was one of the greatest pro-cereal proponents,
right up there with whoever was currently pictured on the Wheaties
box. (Mary Lou Retton, Bruce Jenner, Spiro Agnew, etc). I even
drew pictures of myself standing next to Snap, Crackle, and Pop
and framed them. I knew Tony The Tiger personally. I set the
alarm clock for the Kellogg's Rooster. I was a cereal junkie.
Then they came out Count Chocula. I knew things had turned
sour right from then, despite the incredible sugar content of the
stuff. It tasted like bleached chocolate. The whole concept was
vile, right up there with Eve and the Snake, the Czar and
Rasputin, the Roadrunner and the Coyote.
I mean, who would imagine that a stupid-looking (on par with a
rotted pumpkin), brown-colored Dracula, would even catch the eyes
and tongues of America? Maybe it was destiny. Maybe the aliens
who make the stuff had developed some sort of mind-control device
to go with it. ("Buy Count Chocula... Eat Count Chocula... Buy
more Count Chocula... Listen to the New Kids On The Block...",
etc.) Whatever it was, it didn't work on me. I was a rural health
nut who held on for dear life to my Product 19.
Then came The Cereal Revolution, known to us on the outside as
the Sugar Flood. We had Froot Loops, a mutant cereal which was
probably originally manufactured by Korea, judging by the
spelling. (Nowadays it is congealed in large vats just outside of
Tokyo. Go figure.) We had Lucky Charms, which was made entirely
out of axle grease discarded by the Army, which they make new
recruits cut out with miniature cookie cutters and paint with a
sugar/paint substance developed by Union Carbide. We had Captain
Crunch and all his sequels. We even had some hybrids, like Kix
and Frosted Mini-Wheats. Even Grape-Nuts and Total couldn't
combat this invasion.
What really got me was the toy craze. Whenever a kiddie's toy
reached the Critical Sales Mass (currently set at 6 million toy
figures and/or "optional accessories") they came out with a cereal
for it. Rarely did any of them last. I remember seeing a Care
Bears cereal. One for Cabbage Patch Dolls. (Remember them? You
do? Why?) One for G.I. Joe, the Gobots, Rainbow Brite, Batman,
Captain America, Barbie (What about Ken? Isn't that female
chauvinism?) ...and, of course, finally, for Robin Hood. Now that
I think about it, they must've paid the FDA a lot to get past the
Critical Sales Mass. I didn't even hear about the figures until
weeks after the cereal came out.
I'm surprised they've stopped there, though. There are so
many other popular topics out there in society which Kellogg's
could make cereal from. I can see it now: "Aryan Crunchies!
White (only) corn flakes with little blue-eyed (only)
marshmallows! Part of your healthy skinhead's breakfast! Heil
Hitler!" Or: "Hi-Loopz! Contains no sugar, no preservatives, no
sodium ... in fact, nothing at all but a tasty blend of heroin,
LSD, and cocaine! Have some Hi-Loopz today and just watch your
problems disappear!" What about topics like suicide, pollution,
and abortion? "Gun'n'Rope! It's a killer! Delicious to the
end!"? "Yummy Yuk! A piece of the Hudson River in your bowl! Be
a mutant today!" "Fetus Flakes! Express YOUR choice to eat it!"?
I don't know. I don't care. I want my Special K.
###
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ͻ
<20> God Reviews! <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ͼ
I figured it would be rather arrogant, stuck-up, and priggish to
call this particular column "A Day In The Life Of Paragon Dude", so I
decided to think up a less annoying, more upbeat, and probably more
truthful title: "God Reviews The Past Week Of Planet Earth."
I was a bit busy this past week, as usual, dividing my time
between a number of important things: searching for new Digest topics,
sleeping, eating, looking for more topics, eating, watching TV,
sleeping, eating, and frying small repulsive insects with boiling
peanut butter. Amidst these important proceedings I stumbled onto a
few noteworthy things which I felt should be shared with the rest of
the world.
Phosphorous, for instance. This is an interesting goo which I
always thought made things glow, like squished fireflies, and which
had just sort of hung around awhile until man found a use for it, kind
of like Dan Quayle is doing with the government. Except that
phosphorous probably writes better speeches.
In any case, I was doing some casual research on phosphorous
(determining what happens when you mix it with shampoo then turn off
the bathroom lights while your sister is taking a shower, etc.) when I
came across an interesting fact: phosphorous was actually discovered
in 1669 by Elvis in a former life, a dude by the name of Hennig Brand,
who was a good friend of Ed McMahon, who was up to his <bleep> in
unmailed sweepstakes entries because there was no postal system back
then.
Anyway, the book I found this in also said that he discovered it
accidentally while doing experiments with urine, but that he didn't
tell anyone. They don't give a reason *why* he didn't tell anyone,
but I have a hunch. He had probably spent the previous five or six
hours downing a few kegs of beer (keep in mind he was German) testing
the new Hangover-Away he had developed, and just got so totally wasted
that he forgot what it was and peed in it. Heaven only knows what he
did when he saw it glowing. No wonder he kept things quiet. I can
see it... headlines of Da Knashoniel Heinekin reading: "Scientists
Creates Mysterious Glowing Liquid From Beer - Cures Cancer, Acne,
Death"...
Flipping through this very same book, I discovered that it turns
out that Benjamin Franklin was the world's first electricity addict.
In 1749, for instance, he put up a lightning rod on his house so that
whenever there was a thunderstorm he could get a good dose.
Philadelphian lightning, I hear, is purer and more effective than that
from elsewhere. In any case, he must've invited a bunch of his
friends over (for a game of Zap, the forerunner of Zonk) and soon (by
1760) was installing lightning rods all over the city.
Besides that, I heard a rumor that Quayle finally got a job. Can
anyone confirm this?
###
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<20> Tens <20>
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Men don't want "tens" anymore. They want women to be "nines."
There was a big article about it in Psychology This Week, where they
interviewed all these guys who talked about how the Bo Derek standard
was out. I didn't quite understand what they were saying, since I
thought a "ten" was whatever you personally thought was bodacious,
but I think the reasoning goes like this:
"Tens" are too perfect. They look like mannequins in a
department store. If you want a man's insides to go all gooey, show
him a woman with a crooked nose, or fingers that are too long for the
rest of her body, or something like that--and they'll go "Wow! She's
ALMOST beautiful!"
It's like a medium-rare steak. "This is GREAT! It's ALMOST
cooked!"
But I don't think the article went far enough. If a Nine is
better than a Ten, why isn't an Eight better than a Nine? Think of
the advantages for the nineties woman:
"Ten": Obviously out. That's why nobody went to Bo Derek's last
movie.
"Nine": Sexier than a ten, because she has a little flaw, like
thin eyebrows.
"Eight": Sexier than a nine, because she's actually cross-eyed
and pigeon-toed, making it obvious that she could never
be a ten, and therefore making her an attainable Dream
Woman.
"Seven": Better than an eight, because she has a knife scar on
her left cheek for that "Let's party" look.
"Six": Better than a seven, because she's good-looking, but she
has body tattoos all over her back, some of them in the
shape of extinct reptiles. When she has her clothes on,
nobody knows how hideous she is. When she has her
clothes off, WHO CARES?
"Five": One leg shorter than the other, bunions, and a hiney the
size of Saudi Arabia. This woman could walk down Fifth
Avenue buck naked in the daytime, and the Turkish cab
drivers wouldn't even notice her. She can be yours
forever.
"Four": Now we're getting into the real Dream Women. A four has
buck teeth, a bowl haircut, and a body like the
Tasmanian Devil. Moss grows on her teeth. Dogs take
four-block detours to avoid her. This woman will not
only notice you, she'll be GRATEFUL to you.
"Three": This woman has two extra fingers on her left hand, a
mustache, and weighs 230 pounds. She knows how to belch
the themes of popular show tunes.
"Two": Men in the nineties will be drooling over this goddess,
who was born with six arms and a tail. She can make your
dinner, give you a massage, and clean the wax out of her
ears all at the same time. And to think, in the
eighties, she would have been considered freaky.
"One": Finally, the woman all sensitive nineties men are
dreaming about. Her name is Roseanne Barr.
I WANT that woman.
Written by...
Joe Bob Briggs
###
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<20>T h e E n d<>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Well, we hope that you enjoyed most, if not all the stories in
the magazine. Knowing that you enjoyed the issue, gives us some
relief. For you see, during the last few weeks, the blood has popped
out of our foreheads while compiling this thing together. If we
hadn't finished the issue by yesterday, we'd all be mindless lunatics
stuck in an asylum somewhere by now.
If this thing gets off the ground, who knows what might just
happen? Perhaps, our very own set of three letter initials to
symbolize our existence as an ultraelite super underground magazine?
We hope not.
In any case, we'll see if we can get some distribution sites
together. And, if luck has it, a title screen and a loader from one
of the 19,000,003 ANSi groups out there!
Wish us luck. (grin)
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20>ABOUT THE CREATORS<52>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
PD:
Paragon Dude, the highly acclaimed eccentric, is a carefully
balanced blend of Dave Barry, Mike Royko, Erma Bombeck, Micheal J.
Fox, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Combining stunning wit with a
culinary flair worthy even of most French people, he can turn
virtually any meal into an event you're not likely to forget even
under therapy. And he plays a wicked sousaphone.
Most of all, he's just this normal (not) type'o'guy who
occasionally gets semi-creative urges to write. Like Barry sez, it's
100% fact-free... oops, with the new FDA regulations, make that 99%.
- Paragon Dude's Other Personality, Edud Nogarap
LS:
Due to numerous appearances on "America's Most Wanted" and
several outstanding federal warrants for his arrest, Lord
Shadowkeeper has refused comment.
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Staff of the Lobotomist's Digest -
Paragon Dude - Head Writer/Pick-Up Artist Extrodinare
Lord Shadowkeeper - Publisher/Lambada Master
Richard Nixon - Inspiration/Ex-President
Ariakus - Head Critic/Subway Hitman
"Uncle" Ted Kennedy - Idol/U.S. Senator and Party Animal
Skatemaster - Critic/Rider of the Sacred Board
The Hill People - Distributors/Hit Squad
Joe Bob Briggs - Guest Writer/Evil Cowboy
Special Thanks to - Agent Shadow for all he has done
Boards to Call When Bored:
Smurf Village - 215-873-7287 - "Dead Smurf"
Ultraelite Superpirate - 301-881-2344 - "k00l kOdz kRaD Pir8 KiD"
The Kennedy Compound - 508-221-2734 - "Uncle Ted and Willy"
Sally's Pleasure Hut - 305-221-1293 - "Boom-Boom Sally"
Purple Palace - 615-972-5231 - "Prince"
Trumptown - 212-556-7164 - "The Donald" *
* - Probably Down for Good
###


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From nrcgsh@ultb.isc.rit.edu Sun Jan 23 18:50:59 EST 1994
Article: 433 of alt.etext
Path: news.cic.net!destroyer!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!agate!headwall.Stanford.EDU!rutgers!rochester!rit!isc-newsserver!ultb!nrcgsh
From: nrcgsh@ultb.isc.rit.edu (N.R. Coombs)
Newsgroups: alt.etext
Subject: First Issue of Info Tech and Disabilities
Message-ID: <1994Jan18.213213.10149@ultb.isc.rit.edu>
Date: 18 Jan 94 21:32:13 GMT
Sender: news@ultb.isc.rit.edu (USENET News System)
Organization: Rochester Institute of Technology
Lines: 246
Nntp-Posting-Host: ultb-gw.isc.rit.edu
Announcing the Availability of a New Electronic Journal:
INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY AND DISABILITIES
Below is information about the journal, including the table of
contents for Volume I, no. 1, as well as information on editorial
staff and explicit instructions for subscribing or using the
journal via gopher.
IT&D V1N1 Table of Contents 230 lines
*********************************************
INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY AND DISABILITIES
ISSN 1073-5127
Volume I, No. 1 January, 1994
*********************************************
ARTICLES
*********************************************
INTRODUCING _INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY AND DISABILITIES_
(itdV01N1 mcnulty)
Tom McNulty, Editor
*********************************************
BUILDING AN ACCESSIBLE CD-ROM REFERENCE STATION
(itdV01N1 wyatt)
Rochelle Wyatt and Charles Hamilton
ABSTRACT: This case study describes the development of an
accessible CD-ROM workstation at the Washington Library for the
Blind and Physically Handicapped. Included are descriptions of
hardware and software, as well as selected CD-ROM reference
sources. Information is provided on compatibility of individual
CD-ROM products with adaptive technology hardware and software.
*********************************************
DEVELOPMENT OF AN ACCESSIBLE USER INTERFACE FOR PEOPLE WHO
ARE BLIND OR VISION IMPAIRED AS PART OF THE RE-COMPUTERISATION
OF ROYAL BLIND SOCIETY (AUSTRALIA)
(itdV01N1 noonan)
Tim Noonan
ABSTRACT: In 1991, Royal Blind Society (Australia) and Deen
Systems, a Sydney-based software development company, undertook a
major overhaul of RBS information systems intended to enhance
access to RBS client services as well as employment opportunities
for blind and vision impaired RBS staff. This case study outlines
the steps taken and principles followed in the development of a
computer user interface intended for efficient use by blind and
vision impaired individuals.
*********************************************
THE ELECTRONIC REHABILITATION RESOURCE CENTER AT
ST. JOHN'S UNIVERSITY (NEW YORK)
(itdV01N1 holtzman)
Bob Zenhausern and Mike Holtzman
ABSTRACT: St. John's University in Jamaica, New York, is host to
a number of disability-related network information sources and
services. This article identifies and describes key sources and
services, including Bitnet listservs, or discussion groups, the
UNIBASE system which includes real-time online conferencing, and
other valuable educational and rehabilitation-related network
information sources.
*********************************************
THE CLEARINGHOUSE ON COMPUTER ACCOMMODATION (COCA)
(itdV01N1 brummel)
Susan Brummel and Doug Wakefield
ABSTRACT: Since 1985, COCA has been pioneering information
policies and computer support practices that benefit Federal
employees with disabilities and members of the public with
disabilities. Today, COCA provides a variety of services to
people within and outside Government employment. The ultimate
goal of all COCA's activities is to advance equitable information
environments consistent with non-discriminatory employment and
service delivery goals.
*********************************************
DEPARTMENTS
*********************************************
JOB ACCOMMODATIONS
(itdV01N1 jobs)
Editor: Joe Lazzaro
lazzaro@bix.com
K - 12 EDUCATION
(itdV01N1 k12)
Editor: Anne Pemberton
apembert@vdoe386.vak12ed.edu
LIBRARIES
(itdV01N1 library)
Editor: Ann Neville
neville@emx.cc.utexas.edu
ONLINE INFORMATION AND NETWORKING
(itdV01N1 online)
Editor: Steve Noble
slnobl01@ulkyvm.louisville.edu
CAMPUS COMPUTING
(itdV01N1 campus)
Editor: Daniel Hilton-Chalfen, Ph.D.,
hilton-chalfen@mic.ucla.edu
*********************************************
Copyright (c 1994) by (IT&D) Information Technology and
Disabilities. Authors of individual articles retain all
copyrights to said articles, and their permission is needed to
reproduce any individual article. The rights to the journal as a
collection belong to (IT&D) Information Technology and
Disabilities. IT&D encourages any and all electronic
distribution of the journal and permission for such copying is
expressly permitted here so long as it bears no charge beyond
possible handling fees. To reproduce the journal in
non-electronic format requires permission of its board of
directors. To do this, contact the editor.
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Tom McNulty, New York University
(mcnulty@acfcluster.nyu.edu)
EDITORS
Dick Banks, University of Wisconsin, Stout
Carmela Castorina, UCLA
Daniel Hilton-Chalfen, PhD, UCLA
Norman Coombs, PhD, Rochester Institute of Technology
Joe Lazzaro, Massachusetts Commission for the Blind
Ann Neville, University of Texas, Austin
Steve Noble, Recording for the Blind
Anne L. Pemberton, Nottoway High School, Nottoway, VA
Bob Zenhausern, PhD, St. John's University
EDITORIAL BOARD
Dick Banks, University of Wisconsin, Stout
Carmela Castorina, UCLA
Danny Hilton-Chalfen, PhD, UCLA
Norman Coombs, PhD, Rochester Institute of Technology
Alistair D. N. Edwards, PhD, University of York, UK
Joe Lazzaro, Massachusetts Commission for the Blind
Ann Neville, University of Texas, Austin
Steve Noble, Recording for the Blind
Anne L. Pemberton, Nottoway High School, Nottoway, VA
Lawrence A. Scadden, PhD, National Science Foundation
Bob Zenhausern, PhD, St. John's University
*********************************************
ABOUT EASI (EQUAL ACCESS TO SOFTWARE AND INFORMATION)
Since its founding in 1988 under the EDUCOM umbrella, EASI has
worked to increase access to information technology by persons
with disabilities. Volunteers from EASI have been instrumental
in the establishment of _Information Technology and Disabilities_
as still another step in this process. Our mission has been to
serve as a resource primarily to the education community by
providing information and guidance in the area of access to
information technologies. We seek to spread this information to
schools, colleges, universities and into the workplace. EASI
makes extensive use of the internet to disseminate this
information, including two discussion lists:
EASI@SJUVM.STJOHNS.EDU (a general discussion on computer access)
and AXSLIB-L@SJUVM.STJOHNS.EDU (a discussion on library access
issues). To join either list, send a "subscribe" command to
LISTSERV@SJUVM.STJOHNS.EDU including the name of the discussion
you want to join plus your own first and last name. EASI also
maintains several items on the St. Johns gopher under the menu
heading "Disability and Rehabilitation Resources".
For further information, contact the EASI Chair:
Norman Coombs, Ph.D.
NRCGSH@RITVAX.ISC.RIT.EDU
or the EASI office:
EASI's phone: (310) 640-3193
EASI's e-mail: EASI@EDUCOM.EDU
*********************************************
Individual _ITD_ articles and departments are archived on the St.
John's University gopher. To access the journal via gopher,
locate the St. John's University (New York) gopher. Select
"Disability and Rehabilitation Resources," and from the next
menu, select "EASI: Equal Access to Software and Information."
_Information Technology and Disabilities_ is an item on the EASI
menu.
To retrieve individual articles and departments by e-mail from
the listserv:
address an e-mail message to:
listserv@sjuvm.stjohns.edu
leave subject line blank
the message text should include the word "get" followed by the
two word file name; for example:
get itdV01N1 contents
Each article and department has a unique filename; that name is
listed below the article or department in parentheses. Do NOT
include the parentheses with the filename when sending the "get"
command to listserv.
NOTE: ONLY ONE ITEM MAY BE RETRIEVED PER MESSAGE; DO NOT SEND
MULTIPLE GET COMMANDS IN A SINGLE E-MAIL MESSAGE TO LISTSERV.
To receive the journal regularly, send e-mail to
listserv@sjuvm.stjohns.edu with no subject and either of the
following lines OF text:
subscribe itd-toc "Firstname Lastname"
subscribe idt-jnl "Firstname Lastname"
(ITD-JNL is the entire journal in one e-mail message while
ITD-TOC sends the contents with information on how to obtain
specific articles.)
To get a copy of the guidelines for authors, send e-mail to
listserv@sjuvm.stjohns.edu with no subject and the following
single line of text:
get author guidelin

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+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| just another mag + just another mag + just another mag + just another mag |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
- jam 1 -
- one week long -
- by pip the angry youth -
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| just another mag + just another mag + just another mag + just another mag |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
thursday, july 25th
i thought that starting up a journal would be a good way for me to get
my thoughts out of my head, so here it is...
i woke up late for work today (again), but they changed my schedule so i
was actually an hour early... i sat around and waited to clock in... i
went into the bathroom and took out my box cutter and began to finish
the picture of the sun that i started on my leg... i pushed too hard in
one spot and started to bleed a bit, but i put some toilet paper on it
to stop it... i think someone was watching me... someone's always
watching me...
i think there's cameras hidden in my house watching me all the time... i
don't know who put them there, or why... but i think that they're
there...
nothing much happened today at work, some guy at the deli that i go to
cut his finger on the meat slicer... looked pretty bad, it wouldn't stop
bleeding...
on the ride home tonight i saw this asshole giving the hi-beams to a little
old lady in a tiny mazda hatchback... i thought about how much of an
asshole he was being... i got behind him and put on my beams for about 2
miles... he switched lanes like 10 times, but he couldn't get me off his
tail... i got off at my exit at the very last second so he couldn't
follow me...
i saw a dead cat on the side of the road about a block from my house...
i pulled over to inspect it, played with its severed head for a bit...
kicked it around... i thought it may come in handy so i threw it into my
trunk... (i put my arm & hammer deoderizer stuff next to it to keep it
from stinking up my trunk)... then i got into my house, took a leak, and
started to write this...
friday, july 26th
got my eyebrow pierced today... it didn't hurt as much as i thought it
would... it's kinda cool... i like to stare at it in the mirror when i'm
bored... i'm bored most of the time... so i look at it most of the
time... it has a weird color to it... like one of those metallic rocks
you see in the mall for like a dollar...
i also met a girl today... her name is summer... she's pretty cool, she
rung me up at the supermarket... the kinda smiled at me when i pulled
out my money to pay... i had a bunch of papers and stuff that i had
collected from work, so i had to put it on the counter to get at my
money... she thought that the godzilla traders card i had was cute...
maybe she'll give me her number if i ask for it... i should get up the
guts... she has such a pretty name, summer...
i took a look at the cat this morning... it looked alright, but by the
end of the day it was stinking pretty badly so i had to take it out of
my car... i threw it into a ziploc bag and tossed it into the freezer...
it's a catsicle by now i bet... i wonder if it still has thoughts going
through its body... i now that there are no neurons firing right now,
but i wonder if the soul is still around and experiencing what the body
feels... i wonder if it knows that the body is cold... i wonder if it
knows that it's even dead yet... that's freaky... imagine not knowing if
you're dead or not?...
i finished my sun carving today... it didn't turn out exactly how i
planed it would, but it turned out pretty good... i wonder if summer
would like it...
saturday, july 27th
i hate my boss... i got into two fights with him today... both over
stupid things... he thinks that my eyebrow piercing is a little too
extreme for the store... fuck him... it's my body, right?... i wonder
what he'd say if i showed him my sun... he's freak... hahaha...
he also got on my case because i came to work a little drunk... not
really drunk... i had like 4 beers on my way to work (still have the
cans in the car)... he said i smelled like a brewery...
summer didn't work today... that kinda pissed me off... it's the only
good reason for me to even go to the market anymore... why did she have
to take today off? i was going to at least TRY to get her number...
maybe see what she's doing after work... i'm so spineless i bet i
wouldn't have been able to do anything...
i want to quit my job... i hate my job and my life... i need a change...
sunday, july 28th
i could have sworn that some guy was tailing me all the way to work, he
was wearing a pair of bluejean shorts and a black t-shirt... every time
that i turned around i saw him... or at least i thought i saw him dart
around a corner to avoid my seeing him... is he the one who's been
spying on me?... is he the one who put the cameras in that i know are
there?... you can't trust anyone anymore...
since i got out of work early today i decided to go shopping for
supplies... i did the typical food stuff shopping, picked up a
cameoflaged shirt, black shoe polish, and a really cool knife from the
cutlery store while walking around in the mall... i started to think
about the man in the black t-shirt and started thinking about having to
protect myself... i went to this guy i know who sells used guns and
ammunition for them on the next block down from me... he had a .22
pistol and about 40 rounds for it... he let me take it for 50 bucks...
i thought it was an excillent investment... i wondered why it was so
cheap, but with a guy like him it's best not to ask questions i guess...
the gun holds 6 rounds at a time... five in the handle and one in the
chamber... i keep it inside of my boot all the time now... you never
know when you'll need to put a slug into someone...
monday, july 29th
i didn't see the person with a black shirt today... maybe he's calling
it off for a bit because i saw him... HA!... i knew it...
today was my first day off from work in a long time... i took advantage
of this and pretty much did nothing all day... i played with the shoe
polish a bit, smeared it all over my face just so i could get the
contours right in case the need for it arised... it was alot easier than
i thought it was, took me about 2 minutes to get it to completely cover
my face... i think i look pretty cool with it on... probably pretty hard
to see when i'm in the dark...
i did alot of thinking today about work... i can't stand being treated
like a piece of shit on some guy's shoe just becaue i make 5.05 an
hour... fuck that... (i should watch my language)... i should stand up
for myself once in a while i guess... but what can i do?... i'm almost
the most meek person that i've ever seen... i've got to stop being so
weak, i've got to be strong otherwise i'll be trampled... i don't want
to be the underdog that everyone hits when they get angry... from now on
i'm going to make myself tough...
tuesday, july 30th
i shaved all my hair off for the hell of it... i think it's more
functional this way... i don't have to comb it, i don't have to use much
shampoo or conditioner in it anymore... it feels like a puppy... i also
tried something new... i take a fork and stick it into the flame on my
stove... when it starts to get really hot i take it off and lay it down
on my chest... the hair gets singed a bit, and the skin makes a cool
crackling sound... but the pain is so beautiful... i want to try it on
other parts of my body, but i'm scared... i can feel the pain making me
stronger, more resilient to the blows that society tosses my way... i
also made a second sun on my other leg, but this one was all in one
shot... it hurt really bad, but barely bled... maybe one day i won't be
able to feel anything... what could i do then?...
i've decided to kill my boss today... he started to yell at me about my
hair so i turned around and walked out the front door... he said
something about writing me up... i guess we'll find out if the pen is
truely mightier than the sword soon enough... i wonder if he realizes
how little power he truely has over me... i guess my walking out
constitutes quitting the job... oh well, i'll give myself one day to
train myself so i'm ready to do what needs to be done... i'm really
looking forward to thursday now... i had nothing to look forward to
anymore... i asked summer for her number... she refused to give it to
me... what a fucking bitch... can't she see that i'm a nice guy? can't
she see that i'm really pure inside, that i want to do the right thing?
why is she so BLIND... i want to care for her... i want to provide for
her... i want to love her... but she won't give it to me... why?
wendsday, july 31st
i'm very tired... i did so much work today, making myself into steel...
i can barely type this out... i'm going to bed...
friday, august 2nd
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| just another mag + just another mag + just another mag + just another mag |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
email: duncan@digital.csionline.com
duncan@alfheim.csionline.com

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-= K0DE =-
-= K0DE Newsletter #0002 =-
-= K0DE =-
K0NTeNTZ
H4QiNG aol.com -=- By LSD DooD
Ex-pert Carding Tips -=- By TB0R
- Gr33TZ t0 -
TB0R <k0de insider>, Prodigy, alt.sex.fetish.safety-pins,
Egghead S0phtWaReZ, BL00B0xeR <busted k0de KiD>, LoD
-= Hacking aol.com =-
-= By LSD DooD =-
In the past, many people have found ways to get onto the inphormation
superhighway. Unfortunately a lot of them don't work. But now, the d00dz
at K0DE bring you a phoolproof way to jack into the net. aol.com! You may
have seen those disks that come in the front of computer magazines. Well,
you probably just passed them by and didnt even wonder what they were. Well
do i have some neWs <l4ym3rZ> phor you! Some of those disks are very, very
eleet. They are secret, encrypted internet disks from aol.com. Now that
you have this vital inph0rmation, you are ready to begin your hacking. First
you need to phind a store that carries computer magazines. This may be very
difficult, but if you are experienced enough, you can probably manage it.
Go to the store and go to the magazine section. All the while, make sure no
one is watching you, as store clerx can spot real elytness a mile away. Now,
look up and down the aisles to make sure no one is looking. If someone is
watching you, pretend to be reading a magazine such as Guns N' Ammo or TeeN.
This draws attention away from you. If no one is looking, then pick up a
magazine with a disk in it and walk to another section of the store. The
section with pantyhose in it usually works for me. Now, again make sure no
one is looking, and carefully open the plastic wrapping around the magazine.
Remove the disk and put it in your pocket. Take off the plastic wrapping
completely and stuff it somewhere. Up til now, it has been easy, but this
is where the skill and cunning really come in. You need to look through the
magazine for a part where there is a login and password for the disk. This
is usually attached to the disk. Find it and remove it also. Now go back to
the magazine section and replace the magazine. If anyone asks you where the
plastic wrapping went, punch them as hard as you can and run like hell. This
is an early warning sign that the admins (managers) at the store are onto
you. GET OUT IMMEDIATELY. Now go back home. *Note: You must have a Windows
3.1+ installed on your computer for this hack to work* - Put the disk in the
drive and type A:<enter> at the dos prompt *Important note - The disks are
3.5" disks. if your 3.5" drive is the B Drive, you should type B:<enter>
instead. Also-Do NOT attempt to put a 3.5" disk into a 5.25" disc drive.
This may ruin your chances of success* Now you should have a prompt that
looks like A:\> -OR- B:\> . Type 'install<enter>' and it will begin the
decryption proccess. When it is completely decrypted, enter windows. You
will notice an 'America Online' icon. This is a sign that the decryption
was a success. You now only have one more obstacle to overcome: the login.
Select the 'america online' icon and the modem should dial. When you connect,
you will be asked for a login. There is no reason for alarm yet, this is just
a formality. Enter the login printed on your piece of paper. You will then
be asked for your password. QUICKLY enter the password. If there seems to
be a problem, immediately turn off your computer and leave the house. Do not
return for several days, unless you are very risky. If everything went
smoothly, you now have FULL iNTeRNeT access. FULL access, multi-user chat
and everything. <Elyt tip: look in a hidden place called 'USENET' for
stuff like sex pictures!!!> It may take the admins at aol.com as long as 10
hours to detect you. You have 10 HOURS of uninterrupted internet usage. Have
fun and DLTLGTO! (Don't Let The Lamers Get This One :-)
-LSD DooD
iNET MAiL: trial01b3g274@aol.com
-= Expert Carding Tips =-
-= By TB0R =-
Okay, boyz and girlzzZ, here's something I know you'll all
like. Ever need to buy something, but your a little strapped for
cash? Well, we here at neWs care, so we're going to tell how to
whisk those blues away. Now what I'm going to tell you about is
carding, also know as credit card fraud. ATTENTION!@#$! DO NOT
ATTEMPT THIS UNLESS YOU ARE @#$REALLY$#@ ELEET! This is
**ILLEGAL**!.
Now then. First of all, you're going to need to get your
card. There are many possible ways to do this, such as stealing
things from stores. That just adds to the list of crimes, so we'll
tell you how to do it with less danger. First, you need to find
out where your mother/father/sibling keeps their card. This may
take a little snooping around, but keep at it! Eventually, you'll
find it. Then, wait a few weeks. You don't want anyone getting
suspicious. That would be k0de-like. Now, when you're sure no one
will miss it, take the card! Slip it into a pocket or other such
carrying device. Congratulation, you have just completed the first
part of eleet carding!!
You must then *IMMEDIETLY* go to a store where you want to buy
things. Remember, do this all quickly, so as to have the card in
your possession for as short a time as possible. When you are
there, don't hang around any longer than is necessary. This will
arouse suspicion. Find whatever you need, and go to the counter.
Remember, the key to pulling this off, is looking legit. wear a
business suit, wash your hair, comb it. DON'T take to long, be
quick about it. You have things to do, people to see, right? Now,
pulling off the actual buy is hard. They're going to ask for ID
right? well, we all know how to get by that, right? get some NON-
PICTURE id, is the person is the same sex as you, or a written
note, if they are not. Then say the person is your parent. The
handwriting isn't important, so long as it isn't yours. If they
think you scamming them, just say "Whoops i fergot to get
something ", take the card and item, ditch the item, and leave as"
quickly as possible. Otherwise, if you get the item, you must
escape.
Now, the mall cops will be on you as soon as you make the
purchase. You have to know how to elude them. The best way is to
go to the food court, and try to lose them there. If, when you
leave, they're still after you, start weaving in and out of stores.
Do this with fancy stores, like jewelry stores, and crystal stores,
and fancy clothes stores. Remember, time is of the essence!
Eventually, you'll be at an exit. Start running now. the cops
will most likely be armed, so you !@#HAVE#@! to be fast!if they're
still after when you leave, head for your car, and GET THE HELL OUT
OF THERE!!!!!
Now here is an easy part; replacing the stolen card. You want
this to still be here for later use right? You have to find
another time when where it is kept is alone, and slip it back in.
This is get rid of any suspicion.
There you have it, and exclusive neWs release, how to card.
No, please don't abuse this, we don't want the FedzzZ to crack down
of credit card fraud, it is a great way to get stuph. I myself
have never been caught, so I know this works.
-= EDiTOR'Z N0TE =-
That's it for k0de newsletter #0002. Look for lots of new K0DE
releases coming soon, including utilities and text philes. Call the K0DE
WHQ - P0W! <PaLaCe 0F WaReZ!> - XXX/FiN.DoUT - 0.540 GiGZ - 9600 BauD

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T-FILE MAG FOR DISILLUSIONED RUSSIAN COMMUNIST YOUTH.
ISSUE 1
welcome to issue 1 of KAPITALIZT LIFE IS SUCK!
we editors hope that to you pleases the maggy
the election in russia come to run-off! see issue 31 of "eye of mother russia"
we are sick of the new world free market economy! youth not wanting the billy
joel and the elton john and scorpions make the concerts in our russia!
KAPITALIZT OPPRESSOR GO HOME!
we are tired of the fake american jeans and not having many rubles!
under communism, we have toilet paper and borscht all the day. the wodka is
tasting better and the youth want only to study maths and physic.
today the youth are going to "moscow mc-donald" and eating "square hamburger"!
this am not accept to be! the russian child is being seduced by the american
television "quincy, m.d." and "m*a*s*h"!
ALAN ALDA GO HOME!
the youth is writing "letter to editor" to pravda saying that their newpaper
is suck! he is suggesting in today issue that pravda make cheap russian knock-
off of the popular capitalist american devil feature "jumble: that scrambled
word game!"
they are not wanting to work all the day in depressing cement factory! they
want to see the "mad about you" and the evil queen of temptation helen hunt!
all the time they are plan travel to california to see "babes" like the
imperialist stooge david hasselhoff in the slime known as "baywatch!"
tourism to the great state of albania decreased this year alone by 50 square
hectares/erg! no longer is the sunny beach and good cigar intimidating leader
with moustache and beard outlasting all stooge pig presidents of america island
of cuba good enough! they learn the standard system of measurement!!
when the youth is earning the money, spend they it always on coca-cola and
american automobile. the people's car factory and working man's nerve gas
depository is making new model with 5 tones of beige and off-white this year and
it is not selling! even when it is getting 34 hectares on a single tank of
kerosene! they are wanting to listen to the rock and roll music and form
crappy rock and roll bands! even our friend dmitri who was intended to support
this magazine in the editing left it for his rockgroups "gripper zipper,"
"i like ike," and "shake well before using." we are reporting him however to
the people's council of media controllment, heh heh heh heh heh !
RUSSIA YOUTH NOT AM IN CONTROL!
if this is to continue what are we to do!
here comes kaptialiZT LIFE IS SUCK, RESCUING THE traditional values of mother
russia! we will make the USSR a USSR again by crushing the will of the
revolutionary breakaway republics! our way of life is supreme and we shall
impose it upon what is rightfully the bosom and left nostril of mother russia!
A QUESTION FROM BORIS' MOM CHEVKYANOVNYA:
"BORIS YOU BLINI-HEAD! WHY ARE YOU MAKING THE MAGAZINE IN THE ENGLISH! IT IS
THE SAME LANGUAGE THAT PASSES THE FORKED TONGUE OF EVIL CAPITALIST OPPRESSOR!
ITS LIES AND FREEDOMS ARE NOT OF MOTHER RUSSIA!"
ivan and i have some wodka to think a bit.
we find that we put in the english so the disillusioned youth of america who are
tired of staring at their false gods "pearl jam" and "green day" are reading it
too and spreading communist revolution to all the world!
pravda
perestrojka glasnost
cccp
havana cigars chechen rebels
sputnik
blinis
now comes the officialpart!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OBJECTIVES FOR PUBLICATION 'KAPITALIZT LIFE IS SUCK'. APPROVED 96.1.1. MOSCOW.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DESTROY MORALE OF SUBVERSIVE YOUTH ACTIVITY IN ALL THE WORLD
RAISE SALES OF THE WODKA BY 5,6%
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TABLE OF CONTENTS. APPROVED 96.2.1 - LENINGRAD, CITIZEN RIKISOVICH APPROVING.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. HOT BORSCHT FROM KITCHEN URI RECIPE!
2. QUICK COLD BORSCHT!
3. BORCHT AND MUSHROOM.
4. ENDPART.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOT BORSCHT FROM THE KITCHEN URI
my mother make this all the day when i am young. it feed 12, and we work on
farm all day after eating, making much hard currency! unlike today when we
wait 3 days in line for square hamburger, we are eating this all never with
wait in days of good old!
we are using the evil standard system of measurement so capitalist oppressor
can make the recipe in his "mikrowave oven" and his "salad shooter" and
fall before the strength of recipe strong like ox!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CAPITALIST PIG -> METRIC CONVERSION TABLE!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FINALIZED 43.8.11. MOSCOW. OFFICIAL DOKUMENT 148972-1321-CCCP.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 OZ 6.43 HECTARES
1 TBSP 4.12 JOULES/METRE
1 TSP 214 MOLES/LITRE
1 CUP 1 PEOPLE'S TOILET-BOWL
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOT BORSCHT FROM THE KITCHEN URI
6 oz stew beef from strong russian livestock
5 cup streamwater from mother russia
2 cup sliced beet with fortitude from mighty russian soil and juice
1 grated carrot torn like capitalist oppressor
1 chopped onion, fresh make eyes sting like victory
1 turnip from mama's viktory garden
1/4 head cabbage shredded like head of capitalist oppressor
2 tbsp. tomato paste pasted like imperialist pigs when the proletariat rise
and take power
fresh ground pepper from cuba
3 tablespoons vinegar
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
DIRECTIVES FOR ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THE BORSCHT. APPROVED 65.23.2. MOSCOW.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
1. beef + water in pan and cover
2. simmer all of one hour (take wodka break while simmer! =) =) -uri)
3. add all other ingredients but for the vinegar
-------------
IMPERATIVE MISSION ORDER
LEAVE VINEGAR OUT!
IT IS NEEDED LATER
!!! NOT NOW !!!
FAILURE TO ACCOMPLISH THE BORSCHT IN
CORRECT MANNER WILL MEET WITH REVIEW
AND JUSTICE FROM THE PEOPLE'S DEATH
SQUAD AND DEPRESSING OFF-WHITE PAINT
FACTORY.
-------------
4. cook soup for 1.5 hour
5. add vinegar before serving
-------------
MESSAGE FROM KREMLIN
YOU FOOL! YOU THE VINEGAR *BEFORE* COOK
PUT IN!!
REPORT AT ONCE TO THE PEOPLE'S INTERROGATIONAL
FACILITY AND INTIMIDATING CELL BLOCK.
-------------
6. add more to taste, but not much! excess of the winegar means less borscht
for the working man's struggle against capitalist oppressor!
QUICK COLD BORSCHT
2 cup canned beets + juice, canned at the people's produce refinement/packaging
facility and ak-47 maintanence centre.
4 tbsp sugar, imported from cuba, the land of the free worker.
2 cups water, clear and crisp from the tear ducts of mother russia.
1 tsp grated onion or 1/2 tsp dried onion flakes, grated and dried like the soul
of the capitalist oppressor in the face of the one-eyed mother russia.
2 tbsp lemon juice, from lemon tree (not lemon bush, boris!! -uri)
6 tbsp lo-fat yogurt + some for garnish, made from the purest cow milk and
brought from the people's curdled yet unidentifiable diary unit factory.
put all in blender
blend like capitalist oppressor until smooth creamy
if blender is cheap knockoff of american "osterizer" and is not holding all the
mixture add all but water, blend, pour off some, add water then
blend
pour into serving cup, use the fine silver stolen from the mines of capitalist
oppressor
chill in the snow and ice from the people's really cold ice factory, siberia
serve in glass and enjoy like good russian
BORSCHT AND MUSHROOM
1 oz dried wild mushroom. pick wrong mushroom and pay the price! heh heh
3 quart + 1.5 cup water
2 potato sliced scrubbed like capitalist oppressor through his "car-wash"
2 stalk celery sliced
2 clove garlic sliced
1 large turnip sliced peeled
4 carrot scraped sliced
1 bay leaf
1 tbs salt
8 pepper corn
1.5 lb beets
3 tbs lemon juice
1 tbs sugar
soak mushroom in 1.5 cup water for 2 hours
in large kettle, put 3 qt water potato celery garlic turnip carrot bay leaf
salt peppercorn and simmer GENTLY for 1 to 2 hours. have some wodka while you
am wait.
strain broth and discard cooked vegetables like the heads of the capitalist
oppressor
drain mushrooms, keep liquid that the mushrooms were in, it is needed for the
struggle against imperialism
wash the mushroom slice in strip
strain mushroom liquid through coffee filter, use only the people's coffee
filter and close-quarters combat medical bandage
add this and the mushrooms to broth
peel beets and cut in strip
add beets lemon juice sugar to broth
simmer for 20-25 minute
enjoy
NOW COMES THE ENDPART.
hope enjoy to you the issue!
- boris
- uri
- ivan
- boris' mom
CAPITALIST LIFE IS SUCK!

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From hacksaw@csd.uwo.caSat Apr 8 11:10:35 1995
Date: Mon, 15 Aug 94 22:07:06 EDT
From: geeba? geeba!geeba! <hacksaw@csd.uwo.ca>
To: pauls@CIC.net
Subject: Knotted Noted #1
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--------------------------#1--------------------------
Notes to the Electronic Zine of the Comic Book World
------------------------------------------------------
EditoR: - Kipp Lightburn
[ah804@freenet.carleton.ca]
DistributoR: - John MacAuley
[hacksaw@csd.uwo.ca]
To all KNOTTED subscribers,
The volume of submissions for issue five has been very low
when compared to issue four, and for this reason I am sending
a note to our devoted readers. Please get off your fannies
and write some quality articles! Kipp would love nothing more
than to spend endless nights editing the next issue of KNOTTED.
If you are totally stumped for a submission idea, here are a
few of my current favorites to help you along:
1. If you haven't had a chance to write a letter to the editor
blasting Gary St. Larwence for last issue's articles, please
feel free to join the club.
2. Exactly how much do you hate Image, its comics, and the
company. This is always a fun one.
3. Todd McFarlane, Demi-God or dweeb? Just ask The Saint about
this one.
4. Dirtbag, can Rich pull it off? How much can the Internet
community influence the market for independent comics? With
the sudden surge in racm readers, is it possible for independent
comics that promote over the Intenet (like Dirtbag) to succeed?
5. KNOTTED NOTED, exactly what does that mean? Was John too
lazy to draw an S in place of the D? Why doesn't someone
draw an S? Hey, that gives me an idea!
**Contest**
The best article for issue five that includes an S to replace
the D in the word NOTED will get a Dirtbag #1 (I purchased 2
of them, and if we are lucky we can get Rich to sign one!).
Rich has also offered up as a bonus prize, an official Dirtbag
#2 Ashcan, sure to be a collectors item. The best article and
S will be judged by Kipp and myself, with results announced in
KNOTTED #6.
Just remember, we don't have the ability to skip an issue and
resolicit at a later date so get those submissions in! :)
Submissions for the next issue of KNOTTED are now being accepted
by the editor. Please send any material to:
Address: ah804@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Kipp Lightburn)
Subject: KNOTTED: Submission
Body: Your very important submission.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
John MacAuley, Keeper of the Magical Mythical Spawn FAQ.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

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<20>issue #2<>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Preface<63><65><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Metamorphisis (met.a.mawr'.fa.sis) n. A change in form or structure;
evolution.
MeTaMorPHiSis is a group started by a small group of individuals
who saw it nessesary to change the silly power structures in our BBS
neighborhood. With the world opening up and data flow through nets becomeing
increasingly common, why do we need the exclusive 'elite attitude minded'
boards? These boards and their sysops have segragated the 'warez scene' for
quite sometime. But we at META are going to change all that, we will force
evolution in our our, however small, way. We are looking for medium to large
established boards to upload 0-3 day warez, that is it. MeTaMorPHiSis just
simply askes that if you get a META ware couriored by our group, pass it on
to someone or a board that doesnt have ready access to that current of
pirated software. Our couriors are asked to work and communicate closely
with our distribution site sysops to maintain our no 'arrogent elite
attitude' policy. We will continually provide very current and new pirated
software directly from our suppliers on the Internet in exchange for you
passing the word and warez on about META. With that I present our very own
newsletter, the METAzine issue #2.
THE MASK
-Senior Staff
Dark Forces PREVIEW
Dark Forces by LucasArts, WILL blow all the other 3-D games away.
I can say this, after playing the playable demo. The engine is smoother,
and at a higher res than DOOM!!! Hard to beleive, but it's true. Also,
you can sector on top of sector, unlike Doom. Also, you can look WAY up,
or WAY down(a feature now in some other games). NOtice how all the doors
in Doom open vertically? Well, in DF, the can open horizantally. There
are even doors that are like wrap-around doors. Very awesome indeed.
The floor/wall/ceiling textures are non-reptitive too. The graphics of
the sprites are very well-done. Stormtroopers and the other guys are nicely
animated, and they shout things to you in PERFECT voice, like "hold it right
there rebel scum!", or "there he is. Get him!". The music is 100% Star Wars.
It's non-reptitive, just like the textures. Also, LA thru in some textured
polygon ships, that BLOW away the ones in TIE Fighter! I could go on, and on
about all the details. And this is only after playing the first level! Get
it when you see it.
-Lord 13
Rise of the Triad Special look
I got mixed feelings about Apogee's Rise of the Triad(shareware version
- although I am sure it'll be the same with the reg. version). This game
is a 90 degree hell. Don't expect rounded walls, or REAL stairs. You get
round discs for stairs, which are sprites. They look cool, but for stairs
it's pretty lame. Sometimes there's a moving disc you can get on. And this
is the silliest feature yet I think - there are trampolines, so there's alot
of jumping. Great! A 3-D Super Mario Bros with guns, and overdone gore!
The gore is kinda cool. When you blow a guy away with a rocket, it's guts,
and eyeballs go everywhere. Sorta neat. Your foes though, are just boring.
Who likes killing humans nowadays(unless it's another player)? I like
making Cacodemons cry in pain. I like splattering those red demons in Heretic.
What's with this Triad gang crap? Also, the game doesn't have TRUE multi-level
worlds. You get these sprite floors to jump up on. Cool. The game is OK,
but with Heretic and Descent as competition, it's already over. This game
has so much bark, so little bite. Also, have you seen all the codes for this
game yet? There's a TON. It seems they spent more time on codes, than on
the actuall game. Well, let's hope 3-D Realms does better.
- Lord 13
3D studio 4 (YES!!)
There are many new features included in this release. A few of which include
Inverse Kinematics, a new camera prevue control, projector spotlights, and a
whole slew(yes I just did say slew) of cool new toys.
For many years you could only find Inverse Kinematics (IK for short) in higher
end animation packages running on Silicon Graphics machines. What IK allows
you to do is define a joint where two objects meet, set the limits of what
the joints can do before moving up the hierarchaly linked chain. For example
in all the previous releases of 3ds when you wanted to move an arm, you would
have to grab and rotate the shoulder(the rest of the arm would still be
straight) grab the upper arm, move it, grab the forearm, move it, grab the
hand, move it. A real pain in thee butt! Now with R4 you can simply grab the
hand and put it in the desired spot and the rest of the arm(even the torso
depending on how far behind the body you move the hand) will position itself
naturally according to the joint parameters. Makes things a whole lot easier.
Another handy new feature Autodesk has included is a camera prevue in the 3d
editor and in the keyframer. This speeds things up considerably when trying
to see how something is going to look once rendered. You activate the prevue
feature by selecting the camera viewport(if one is active) and go to the pull
down menu and select prevue(yeah I know I'm spelling it wrong but that's how
it's spelled in the program) and viola! you'll have a rendered image in the
viewport. BUT WAIT THERE"S MORE!!!! you can now take the camera and move it
around and get nearly a realtime response! the camera can rotate around the
model and you'll see every angle rendered. No more of dealing with those long
rendering waits only to find your geometry is flawed! This can also be done
in the keyframer activating it the same way. You can get a preview of the
flic you're working on with nearly no wait. This helps to avoid object collis
ion or jerky movements or any problems you might run into. This thing is
GREAT!!!!
The final feature that will be discussed is the projector spotlights. With
these you can finally "fake" a raytraced image. For example shining light
through a stained glass window, it's a bit more complex than this but I'll
give you a basic rundown. First a window would be made, you would select an
image to map onto the pane of glass, create a projector spotlight and pick
the map you used for the pane of glass as the image for the light to project.
Be sure to exclude the frame of the window from the spotlight or else it'll
look kind of funky.
3D studio has always been the leader in animation on the Pc platform. So far
95 promises to be great year for 3d studio with even more companies developing
Ipas routines and plug-ins. Companies like Xaos tools, Kai's power tools and
a whole host of others! In the next issue we'll be taking a look at some of
these routines and how they can be used. Hmm perhaps we should have a little
"how to" section? lat3r d00ds thanx for reading!
/\/\
\ /orpheus
The Best of and Worst of '94
Here's a look at the best and worst warez of '94, as compiled by
Area 51 voting. Sorry if there's not alot of catagories.
The Best Game of '94
The best game of '94 is id Software's Doom 2. By mid-summer, every
pirate was waiting impatiently for it. Everyone was thinking we'd see it
in like late September. It was a BIG surprise when we were all playing it
by Aug. 31st! While not really a new game, Doom 2 gave more of what people
liked, with new monsters, and a cool double-barrel shotgun.
Runner-up: TIE Fighter and Magic Carpet(a tie)
The Best Flight Sim of '94
Flight sims are getting very good as of late, pushing your CPU to
work harder than ever. TIE Fighter was the best though. Even though, it's
not a true flight sim. It wasn't even close in this catagory.
Runner-up: 1942: Pacific Air War
The Best Strategy Game of '94
There were a TON of great games like this. Many from MircoProse, like
the co-winner, X-Com. The other co-winner is Warcraft. This coulda been a
3 way tie...
Runner-up: Master of Magic
The Most Overhyped Game of '94
This is very weird. The best game of the year, is also the most
hyped game! Some people thought that there should have been alot more to
Doom 2.
Runner-up: Rise of the Triad
The Worst Game of '94
Operation Bodycount wins this award, easily. This game, with it's
Wolf 3-D engine, was a sure winner in this catagory. Capstone made it, and
you gotta wonder if they have ever played or heard of Doom.
Runner-up: Battle Bugs
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>The Warez Review<65><77><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Descent (shareware version)
Well the first thing was the Interplay logo.. WOW.. Big fat
harry deal.. Then came the title screen.. Nothing really worth
mentioning.. but the Music that it was accompanied by was
actually quite good.. Not that Annoying MIDI in the .WAD files
you get for DOOM.. It was pretty nice music.. SO I was thinking
at this point Maybe I found a game at least equal to DOOM.. Well
I proceeded to not do anything but hit NEW GAME.. (I did see a
multiplayer option so that was a plus for me right there) It
popped me into a cinema sceen where I was sitting across a desk
from some guy in the shadows.. (This was kinda wierd) and I was
briefed on my mission.. (Okay not a big deal but I felt it worth
mentioning) Then I was pretty much tossed into the shit pile..
Now.. Not looking at any documentation I was a little confused on
the controls to say the least but after a few moments I managed
to gain control.. Now this is when the game really showed
itself.. I was basically flying a spacecraft into a mine that was
infested with war machines that fly.. Hmm.. THink of flying a F-
16 thru a cave setup blasting enemies.. If you have ever played
or seen Sewer Shark on Sega CD.. THat close but you have total
control not that annoying fuck GHOST in the back.. SO before I
got to far I pulled out and configured my Joystick and the
keyboard and restarted.. Now being a Flight Simulator Veteran for
many years the steering came real easy to me.. I basically
started strolling around the mine to see what I could find.. Not
when the first few enemies popped up I noticed something.. They
were actually 3-d objects.. Not a series of Sprites like
DOOM/WOLF3d/ROTT/HERETIC are.. Full three dimensional Objects to
blast.. (Not new to Flight sims but to games like this YES) Now
after testing out my Laser Cannon and Concusion Missle.. I was
pretty impressed with the Enemies Artificial Intelligents.. They
appear to have multiple personalities for them. Some when you
shoot will just sit there and take it a little and toos there own
back at you.. other will hide behind walls pop out and fire..
Others upon seeing you will setup a ambush when you enter another
corridor.. THat was impressive.. But then I started chasing them
around and found the levels to be Fully three dimensional.. What
I mean by this is you can be on on top of another section . plus
the hallways didn't always go left or right.. THey curved up
gradually straight down etc.. SO I hit the TAB key to see a fully
3d picture of the level like Autocad would come up with that you
could spin on the three main accesses.. This was cool.. I drove
to a door opened it then had to proceed down for a ways into a
huge open area filled with nasties.. GOD was this cool.. Using
skills fine tuned in Falcon 3.0 Dog Fighting.. I found my self
quite well versed in the combat of the game.. But I made one bad
decision.. Jumping into 20 to 1 odds isn't real smart.. As I
reappeared after been given a good pasting by those things.. I
was even more determined.. I decided to go about it a different
way.. THis time I faired better.. But remember when I said they
would set up an ambush.. well it worked.. Well I quit out and
said, lets read the docs.. (Yes they do help.. Play first then
read them in my opinion)
Well.. The Game is a full 6 axis engine that no other
company I know of has... Id is planning one in Quake.. Apogee I
don't know what projects along those lines they have coming up..
Possibly 3d Realms will put something out similar but I don't
know of one officially.. The game play was fast and furious at
the hardest Skill level (Of course) but its also quite nice at
the lower skills for the rookies.. The Docs are Okay.. but for a
game like this they can only tell you the tools.. Its your job to
figure out how to use them.. Graphics were quite good.. Hmm.. I
would campare it to DOOM but the graphics are on a finer scale
then anything released by iD or Apogee.. Think of the Cinematic
screen of Start Trek.. Music was quite good throughout the game
but I turned it down a little so I could here the nasties
coming.. The game is pretty easy to learn how to use and do well
but actually getting good at it.. Thats a different story.. You
can beat the level but playing a human opponent is really
interesting to say the least.. The Shareware is about 3 meg in
Length and can be grabbed at the Meta sites.. All in all it was a
excellent game experience.. I can't wait till later to go after
them again.. 8/10.
- Soul Master
Heretic (Registered version)
Heretic was made by Raven software, for id Software. It uses a slightly
modified Doom engine. This revamped engine sports true transperancies, and
a cool look up/down feature, which is really helpful. Some other cool features
are when you run in the water, it looks like your in it, rather than on it
like in Doom. A cool splash sound accompanies this. Also, when you run on
lava, flames come up. What is really cool is to shoot a flying creature over
the water or lava. ALL the sounds in this game rock. The tunes are ALOT
better than the ones in Doom. Each tune is long, and varied. The new
textures are also very colorful. Some monsters you'll face are flying demons
(that shoot fireballs in the later levels), mummy guys(which can shoot flaming
skulls), flying sorcerers(that can go invisible), skeleton knights(shoots magic
axes), and some other ones. The levels look nicer than Doom's and
are long and alot more enjoyable than Dooms. But, deathmatch in this game
is a true blast. With the morph ovum, you can change the other guy(or the
monsters) into a chicken! Then they'll have to use their beak! Really quite
funny. You can also get the batwings, which will make you fly, or the power-
tome, which will double your weapons effectiveness - AWESOME! And you can store
these in your inventory for when you really need them. HIt [ or ] to bring
up your little inventory box, and use [ and ] to select what you want, then hit
enter to ready it, then enter a last time to use it. This is a very good game,
that Doom fans shouldn't miss. But, this is actually better than Doom. Don't
listen to those saying it the same thing. 9/10.
- Lord 13
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Warez News<77><73><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
In MICROPROSE news...
MicroProse, the maker of the BEST strategy games, such as
Master of Magic, X-Com, Master of Orion, Colonization, Civalization, etc,
etc, has announced that they are working on MASTER OF ORION DELUXE! This
version is shaping up to be much more than a souped-up MOO. Elements of the
game will be much deeper. And the best part, modem/network play!!! Finnally!
As of now, this will be a CD-only product. Destined to be a winner. Also,
the sequel to the best strategy game of '94, X-Com, is nearly completion!
It will be called, X-COM: TERROR FROM THE DEEP. It seems that aliens are in
the oceans. All new aliens, and the ability to mutate your own will be
features in this awesome sequel.
In BULLFROG news...
Dungeon Keep, a new game from BF, will use a enhanced version
of the Magic Carpet engine. That's all that's known about it as of now.
Sounds like a winner already.
In APOGEE news...
Apogee(apology?) has recently announced they have a new sub
company - 3-D Realms. Apogee(gay name) said that it's time for a co.
dedicated to 3-D games. I wonder if they have ever heard of id software?
At any rate, they will release RUINS(built around Doom engine...aliens and
pyramids), Blood(same, but in a Stephan King setting...satanic),
Shadow Warrior(virtua fighter type thing....like Quake?...maybe..), and
Duke Nukem 3-D(another Doom rip-off). Maybe they will get the modem play
thing down...they really F^CKED up with ROTT's modem play. Lamers...
In ID news...
According to id, Quake won't be running in a DOS enviroment
until several months. Right now it's running in NextStep, the OS of the
discontinued Next PC. We should see Quake in SOME form in the Spring.
Warez schedule:
ROTT reg. anytime
Descent reg. "
Dark Forces feb/mar
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>META Fan/Hatemail<69><6C><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
This section is where we'll print letters we have gotten concerning
META. We'll print them all, good and bad. Here's the first one. I think its
a good one to start it off with too. As this person had no clue as to what
I was talking about. He thought that I said we SELL subcriptions!
(continued)
L1>
L1> Do you use the internet? If so, then this could very well happen. Email
L1> the mask about it. He's the boss of Meta.
L1>
LO> Oh, and I forgot.. Being a site for you doesn't mean that I call up the exa
LO> same place the mask gets the files offa the internet and download them for
LO> myself.. I already do that.. being a part of your groups means that you fin
LO> some way to courier them to me, and then I spread them to people around the
LO> area, Meta gets known in another place, and some other people pick it up, a
LO> starts spreading
L1> I know what it means...we would cart them to you thru the internet...it's
L1> quick, and FREE with your subscription...
L1>
LO> Excuse me?.. Subscription?!... Forget the entire thing if you think you are
LO> going to charge me to be a distro site for you... that is one of the MAJOR
LO> reasons why the elite scene has gone downhill over the years, and I don't
LO> think I am going to contribute to it in that way.. plus I have better thing
LO> to spend money on then being a distro site for some group
Read what I said more closely...Subcription to the Internet....we don't
charge a thing. Forget it if your gonna get smart.
Lord 13
editor: this guy thought he'd tell us how to run stuff, then went off the
handle. We don't charge SHIT for a board to be a site. Never will.
There was more mail, but I didn't capture it in time, so it got deleted. More
next month. If you got ANY questions/commments/threats/bribes/propositions,
contact me, Lord 13, or The Mask, at Area 51.
<20>META Boards<64>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Area 51 Lord 13 Renegade WHQ 1-313-454-0717<31><37><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>The Abyss Big Brother Renegade Member 1-313-981-7917<31><37><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Fade 2 Black Kreiger Oblivion/2 Site 1-810-348-9405<30><35><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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If you thought you were a site, and you are not on here, that means
something got messed up. Contact a senoir member to see what's going on.

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METAZINE #1
Welcome to the premier issue of METAZINE. Here, META members will
review warez, and related stuff. You are probably wondering what the hell
META is. META is a group of people that get warez from the internet. META
is NOT a group like RAZOR. META takes ALL the big groups warez, and
distribute them among the BBS community, to boards that are not ULTRA secret.
So, if you are on a better than average board, you can probably find our stuff.
You don't have to be on like, the CoCoNut Testing Grounds, to get our stuff.
We also make DOCs for games. I(Lord 13) just made Magic Carpet ANSI docs.
These docs are WAY better than the other MC docs. They are in ANSI, so you
can see what spell I am talking about. Very useful. Look for more docs in
the future(ansi and normal). BTW - don't expect docs for shitty warez! OK,
enjoy the first issue.
Contents:
The Warez Review
Brief Warez News
Coming Soon
Tidbit News
The Warez Review
Magic Carpet by BULLFROG, is the most awesome game I have played
since DOOM1! You are basically a wizard on a magic carpet, and you compete
with other wizards for these mana ball things. You get mana balls by killing
the plethora of beasts(there's ALOT of them). The beasts are just too cool!
All have there own sounds(like the monsters in Doom). AWESOME sounds, and
music. But the thing you will really be shocked at is the graphics. THE
BEST FLIGHT SIM GRAPHICS EVER! With such effects as fog, shadows, relections
(awesome), and many others. And, wait till you see the water. It moves!
It's very wavey. The game terrain looks like you were thrown into a
fractual generated world! And it moves SMOOTH(at least on my 486DX2-66).
Pentium users are in for a mind-blowing experience. And get this: the game
was taken from a CD!!! And it has EVERYTHING!!! 69 levels of non-stop
action. You must get this is you even just like action games. You won't
wanna miss this. Be sure to get the META-ANSi docs!
10/10
CyClones by SSi(programmed by Raven software), is a Doom-clone game.
It has some neat features. Like, you can run UNDER and OVER sectors. Can't
do that in Doom. The engine isn't as smooth as Doom, but it's still very
good. Use the mouse to aim your weapons. This is the cool part. You can
actually aim your weapon WHERE you want, for pinpoint accuracy. The game
sports AWESOME sounds, but only OK music. Get this is you want a new Doom-
like game, and Heretic and Triad aren't out...yet.
7/10
Brief Warez News
DEFENDER OF THE EMPIRE, TIE Fighter add-on missions, are finally out!
Mutany has struck the Empire! Defend the Empires factorys from take-over.
Look for a review soon...
HERETIC, and RISE OF THE TRIAD have not been released yet. They are
a bit late. Rumor has it that the groups are waiting till Xmas to release
Heretic, but I don't think they would really wait. Although, we should see
both of these ANY day now.
Coming Soon
Here are some warez you should be seeing ANYTIME:
Hammer of the Gods by New World
Heretic by id/Raven
Heroes of M & M by New World
Rise of the Triad by Apogee
Heretic
News Tidbits
In BULLFROG news...
Syndicate 2, the sequel that everyone is waiting for, will
use the MAGIC CARPET engine. You will be able to pick your own camera view!
You will also be able to go into buildings with your asasians. Very cool.
In LUCASARTS news...
Dark Forces, the game that uses a engine TOTALLY different
from Doom's(don't believe those lamers that say LA stoles id's baby). WILL
have modem play, but to be released in a patch soon after the game's release.
The game itself will feature sector on top of sector action, unlike Doom.
It will include music from the Star Wars movies, and cut scenes. January.

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It is us! Mindless Mayhem is released yet again! And this time
with a daily dose of Vitamin K!
Starring Great One
in:
Winter Wonderlands
Mindless Mayhem issue number Twenty-Five!
===============================================================================
Woe is me, I recently discovered that typing in alternating
caps is common and accepted amongst the boards considered to be
cool in the nation. I think soon I will stop calling out all
together! And then NO ONE AT ALL will get access to my board!
Just ME. It would be rather dull, as I can only reply to my
own messages so many times, but at least I wouldn't have to read
the really mutant people's messages...
Recently, my pet Mega-Guppy popped out 30 kids. Then,
not more than a month later, 20 more, and then, not more than
a month later, 15 more. Mega-Guppy has no other guppies in with
her, and I am starting to wonder just how she is getting herself
knocked up. The gold fish can't be doing it. I'm not doing it,
even if I tried the chromozones wouldn't be compatible, and I
have taken all the babies out before they could breed or be eaten
by the monster goldfish that resemble small cars in their size
relation.
Like you all care. Anyway, Here are a few ways to have fun
during the winter. Some of this stuff requires some prior chemical
know-how, some goodies you may have to buy, or just guts.
-----------
Part One: Fun (the rest of the file is also a part one of one)
A long time ago, I decided that small children were worthless and should
be put to sleep. Unfortunately when I ran for congress, that idea did not
carry over well with the voters and I didn't get to make it a law. However,
here are some things you can do to at least have a fun time with them.
1: Go to Toys R Us. They are always there. Navigate your way
to the area where they have the nintendos or whatever set up,
(nintendos are what little kids play you know. Nintendo even
admitted that their games are aimed at the younger audience, even
the games for the super nintendo) and make sure the friends that
you brought are there with you. You can:
o Push them out of the line to play it and make them cry.
o Drop stink bombs as we did and watch them all LEAVE (except for
one little asian boy who HAD to play mario no matter what stench
filled the area)
o Follow them. They all know the Stranger Danger thing. And if
they watch Barney (I cringe at the name) all the better, because
they know to run and scream for help and carry on like idiots.
And, if you were smart, you'd say you are making your way for the
register with the rocket engines you picked up if you are stopped.
Of course, you weren't originally going to PAY for those engines,
were you?
o Tell them that you know how they can get a game for free. Then
make up some story that would sound logical to them. They believe
in santa, so chances are they'll believe you too since there's
something in it for them.
For more fun about little kid toys, get the MM issue #5 about Bigwheel's
O' Fun by Mr. Beeg.
-----
Find a large sewer. There is one near my place of resisdence that looks
like the entrance to the Eye of the Beholder dungeon, and is about as
big, too. Getting into it was REAL bitch. The area around it was all
bumpy because it was frozen mud with sleet covering it, so in otherwords
it was very smooth but bumpy ice, very similar to marbles on a concrete
floor. You can't walk on this without falling. We had a great time just
trying to get INTO the thing (remember, it wasn't a manhole it was an
ENTRANCE!) because we had to climb down a small cement wall as well and
then go onto a 45 degree mound of dirt with the same problems as before,
only it headed into a small stream if you fell...
If you are lucky, some of the water in the sewer will be frozen enough to
slide on. This may sound sort of stupid, but actually it's kind of fun.
The only drawback with this sewer was the large amounts of rusting metal
spikes sticking out of the walls. This made sliding at great speeds
perilous to say the least, so we didnt do that. (On another note, the
next summer we narrowly escaped the police when an old lady that lived in
the nursing home nearby phone the cops when she saw a bunch of people
head into the sewer. So we weren't careful about who saw us! It's only
a sewer, and there were no signs that said no tresspassing...)
Lucky for the cop the pipe bomb we had put in there hadn't gone off.
If it DID, I think we'd still be running.
-------
Fill those nitrous oxide cartridges with gunpowder (after you used the
gas, stupid!)! They make excellent crater makers. And, in the snow, you
can get it to fly in all directions. Just be careful not to actually
watch the snow go, or you may get hit by shrapnel. The careful anarchist
is the alive and well anarchist. Live to be chaotic again another day!
There's no glory in brain damage!
Those are also very nice in pipe launchers. I am currently attempting
to figure out a way of how to make an effective "mortar" launcher.
It would involve blasting the cartridge out of the pipe, and in the
initial blast that would light the wick of the cartridge, which would
eventually detonate somewhere in the sky (unless you aimed it at some
window or something, where it would eventually detonate in the building)
Take care that you aren't CAUGHT with something like that, as chances
are you will be sited for having an illegal firearm, illegal use of a
firearm, no FOID, Ammo discharge, and all that crap. At best, find a big
field and practice. Finding the right amount of powder to use isn't hard
, it's the COMPRESSION that's difficult. It's hard to compress it so that
it pushes the cart out REALLY far and really fast. The best I can get
it to go is twenty feet. Can anyone help me out here?
You also would be wise to have a large supply of improvised gunpowder.
Remember, our instructions for that DO indeed work! I understand that
finding the chemicals for it is difficult at best, but if you find it
make sure you STOCK UP BIG TIME or you may regret it!
You can make snow glow by getting a very large mound and putting thermite
on it (and igniting it) . It's not very creative, but glowing snow is not
something one sees every day.
---------------------
Speaking of useless children, here is something I clipped out of the paper:
Boys accused of making bomb:
BARRINGTON, IL -- a 12-year old boy was arrested (yes!) after he reportedly
placed a homemade bomb of aerosol cans and matches on the front porch of
his home on Hillside Avenue Thursday, police said. The bomb was diffused
by an officer and did not injure anyone (the bomb or the officer?), reports
indicated. The boy was released into his mother's custody.
What a shining example of youth! Doing things out in the open to get
caught! I have to wonder though, what exactly he was making. I only
know how to shoot flame from aerosol cans (and I don't do that because I
don't want to die horribly when the flame gets sucked into the can), and
I don't see how he could make a bomb out of the multiple cans unless he
sat there and heated them up while he waited to die from the soon-to-be
resulting explosion.
---------------------
Why do people suddenly become happy at Christmas time? I wish everyone
was mean like they usually are, as it is difficult to bear all sorts of
smiling happy people. Here is how you can help your community become
more idealistic in their Not Liking Other People traits:
o Find the latest kids toy in the store, and then proceed
to place it somewhere else, you know, barbies with the
transformers, vice versa, etc.
o Remember those stink bombs? Visit the public bathrooms.
o After you do that, find out where the crowd is the thickest
and put them there, too.
o Go to a video selling store and then mix the Playboy videos
up with the Disney showcase. Do the same with heavy metal
videos and classic music.
o Many malls have a food area. Get in line and then read
each menu, and then keep changing your mind when you go to
make an order. Not only will this piss the cashier person
off, the people behind you won't like it either.
o Use stink bombs in the food area. Nothing beats the smell
of pizza and ammoniumdisulfide!
o Offer 'Valet' parking even if you don't work for the valet
service, and either take it or park it somewhere really
far away.
o Bring some friends and just STAND somewhere and let people
try to squirm past. This is usually effective on a staircase.
Ok, so its all juvenile and such. But the worst charge you can get
is disorderly conduct (assuming you don't attempt to valet park),
so it's no real big deal.
---------------------
For fun on your own or with friends, find a nice big ice covered or snow
filled parking lot and go real fast and slam on the emergency brakes.
Don't do this too often, as its not good for any part of the car! Donuts
work well here too (spinning around real fast), as the car can spin
wildly out of control. This is why you want a big parking lot that's
empty! This is usually fun with a big car or a sports car.
If police see you doing this, you won't like the consequences to your
insurance rates.
Pouring water over the gas cap is always a fun and educational thing to
do to other cars. In winter, it gets cold, and therefore water will
freeze. And the gas cap will effectively remain in place.
Flat tires and Ice do not mix well. So flatten anyones' tires that
you see fit to do so.
I think this was in a different text file, but small furry animals in
dryer ducts always smell nice when they die! If you can't do it, then
maybe you can find a dead one to put in.
Sometimes, people have fireplaces where the ashes are emptied out on the
the outside of the fireplace. Insert your favorite exploding device
under a pile of ashes. No one cleans the fireplace after every fire, and
no one pokes through the ashes either. Try to use something relatively
harmless, as you don't want to KILL the people, right? You would probably
be best off getting lots of smoke grenades (smoke in the house is fun!)
or jumping jacks, as they will bounce all around the fireplace and they
won't know what it is.
Buckets of water poured onto the front porch or around the tires of
any car can result in hours of viewing enjoyment!
No one likes to get hit with snowballs, and no one likes to get hit by
ones that have a thin layer of snow surrounding a pound of ice.
That water is really useful when it comes to mailboxes, too (assuming
you haven't blown them up or batted them yet).
Ice and nails don't mix with car tires, and such is an effective way
to make that flat we mentioned earlier.
Put a small furry animal on a patch of ice and watch it run in place!
I guess you can get a hamster wheel for that too, but hey its winter.
The moment the light turns green, make like an italian and press the
horn down as hard as you can to get the people in front of you moving.
Fast acceleration and poor road conditions are fun! Just dont accelerate
right after they do!
---------------
Matt isn't going to jail! I've you've read the past few issues, you'll
know that he's not a well liked person (he's weird!). He pled mental
instability and that he's thought of suicide and instead of going to the
slammer he gets to see a court appointed therapist! I can think
of many swears to use as adjectives for this guy, so I will let you
think of some, too.
---------------
How many people actually read this crap I put out, anyway? No one has
sent me mail for a long time (to the post office box!). So someone
send me that christmas music tape so I can go insane and get a big gun
and shoot people repeatedly. Or something like that. Send anything!
Info on electronic stuff! Info on what you'd like to read! Info
on other text groups and boards! Info on your board so we can compile
a list of text boards! Note: Only send it IF you want to be on a list!
I for example would probably die if my board ended up on a BBS list,
and I have died several times to prove it. Unauthorized advertising
is a big No No!
I want a new intro for the beginning. That circle with the A is sort
of stupid. So, I have decided that THIS picture is far more cool,
but I cannot take credit for it, I don't know who drew it!
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20>
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<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD>
<20><> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
A N A R C H Y F O R E V E R
Well that was nice. I don't plan to use it, but it was neat anyway.
Oh! And for you SysOps that wanted a special message to give to those
leeching zitheads on your board, you can give them a display of either
of the extra included files in this zip. They are simple, but display
a basic message that shows that you really care!
---------------
I haven't much more to say, but I'll follow tradition for once and say
that drinking and driving isn't cool, but either of the two are if not
mixed!
---------------
Call Destiny Knights BBS at 708 307 3768 and say that you got it
from an MM file. Make sure you state which one! I want to know whats
being read out there. There is no new user password. Chances are
you will be deleted, so apply anyway so I can enjoy deleting yet
another person in my quest for mercilessness.
All I can tell you is to keep up on your homework and don't type in
alternating caps.
You can also call the 3 Guys BBS, at 907 428 2530 and also say
you got it from here! They are an offical MM circulation board.
Not too many boards can say that on their opening screen! And and
chances are, he doesn't have it on his. In fact, I don't even
have it on mine!
----------------
Mindless Mayhem is published whenever by Crash Korrigan. Assistant
writers are Hap Hazard and Ming the Merciless.
Ok so I lied. They don't have anything to do with this.
Feel free to write Melvin Woznikki (yes that's the name to use)
at PO Box 958542 Hoffman Estates, IL 60195-8542 to relay
your comments. And no, that's not my real name. My real name
is Jack Enoff, and you can see why I don't tell anyone what it is!
Ok so I lied about my real name, too.
----------------
We are always looking for something to write about. Usually this is
a rather sporadic thing, and we don't like being spores. So help us out!
Any information on anything related to this sorta stuff (sorry we haven't
done much on hacking, but hey, I'm not going to do it in my house!)
including pyros, anarchy, hacking, cracking, virii, whatever.
-----EOF--------
See you on the other side!

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my millionth zine #01 by James Hetfield
+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-
welcome... let's start this off with a few ground rules... we
(mmz) hate pip the angry youth (sellout). no, it's more than just a hate,
it's an extremely bitter taste on the levels of mango peels. he is the
natural born killer of m&t, and we really don't like that fellow.
so what are we going to do about it?
we're going to write an ENTIRE ZINE MOCKING HIS ZINE!#@!!@#!@$@#$!@
WOW, WE'RE MATURE@!#!@%#@!#$ YEEE HAW#@!$!%@!#$^!@#$
+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-
since my recent hiatus from writing pickles has ended, you're going to see
quite a bit of releases from me. spurratic yes, but does it have quality?
i will leave that to you the reader. some people actually have the
misconception that i care what people think about my anus; i have no
customer base, i have no profits, and i turn girls gay. this leads me to
the conclusing that i don't really have to give two flying fucks about
what some idiot in new jersey/cali/whereever thinks about me, especially
someone who can't even get a non-angstful handle; but we're not going to say
any names.
+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-
people look forward towards the releases of doomed to obscurity, slinky,
and other misadventures of mogel that are logged into the 2599 list of
t-files. what ever happened to a zine that reviewed other zines within
itself? where there is one, there is the other; where there's the
performer there is always the critic. i take this upon myself, i
self-appoint myself to the level of zine critic. when there is a new dto
release, we will be there. when mogel decides to cross state borders in
spite of his parole, we will be there. when an appocolypse-like storm
comes up the east coast, we will be there to say what rattle had to say
abou that. when cerkit decides that the time is right to release a new
issue of slinky, we will be there. when pip decides to start up his
gasp AGAIN, we won't even be in the neighborhood.
you don't think that i want to report on shit _that_ boring? i may not
have a life, but i at least have _standards_.
+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-
i'll also release reviews on albums, books, movies, and whatever else i
deem fit to grace the pages of mmz. stories? of couse we'll have
stories here... it wouldn't be a jamesyzine if there weren't any stories. i
think that if you're reading my zines, then you have an interest in what
i put out, so i'd like to know what you'd want me to write about. maybe
i'll take someone's input into consideration.
jh@wwti.iway.net / u427@ng.nexy.org
+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-+-\-
that's about it for the first issue of mmz... take it easy.
-James Hetfield

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From HYDRA@delphi.com Thu Feb 17 18:45:17 1994
Subject: Re: RESIST: MODUS OPERANDI ISSUE ONE
*** Modus Operandi v1 n1 ***
*******************************************
*** [ A compilation of the writings ***
*** of the Resist project ] ***
*******************************************
*** The Journal of the Resistance ***
A Hard Copy of this journal is available by mail (see end)
(hard copy version has extra articles, as well as art and
photos)... look at the UWI ftp site for more info (nohod.cat)
[Upon it's completion, nohod.cat will be a catalog of products
available thru NoHoD Pub Co, including the demo and
compilation tapes soon to be published by NoHoD Music, as well
as various associated zines and projects]
***
***
This is sort of a seed issue of the journal, since it is the
first, there is an obvious shortage in reader/activist
response, the type of response Resist is built around. As a
result, to give a feel for what we are, and what were doing,
this issue contains all of the Resist material to date, as
well as some material from ToR #3, a zine which is fading out
and still has some cool materials and submissions which were
going to be, but never were printed in #3. Therefore, this is
actually a conglomerate of half Resist and half ToR, future
issues will have only Resist stuff in them... We hope you
enjoy this issue, and more so that regardless of if you agree
with us or not, you write to us and tell us your thoughts.
This concept of hardcopy exchange of views and ideas allows
for some 'unheard' concepts to come to light...
***
#########################################
A Short Explanation of the Resist project
(And a request for submissions)
#########################################
by Sluggo and Mr. Hands
'Resist' is a special
project being funded and published by NoHoD Pub Co.
The original concept of Resist is to create a (hardcopy)
exchange of information, enlightenment, and revelation. Not
only do we distribute our own material, but we also hope
that readers of Resist will send in their writings, essays,
revelations, idea, and anything important and
'changing'. These things can range from carefully written
essays to late-night revelations scrawled on scratch paper.
These 'submissions' (not really submissions, we except
EVERYTHING, no screening at all) will be compiled and
published thru Resist. We do write our own stuff, on a very
wide variety of topics, but if !only! we did the writing, then
Resist would become very one-sided. If you disagree with
something said in something we publish, by all means, write a
response...
Therefore we encourage you to send every revelation, every
thought you have to us, and we will do our best to show it to
everyone else. Stuff (of any sort... writings, music, art) can
be sent to:
Resist
POBox 5356
Louisville, KY
40205
and writings and rants (essays... etc.) can be sent to
hydra@delphi.com on the internet (email). Do not be afraid to
send your work, because you feel it is too unrefined, or too
odd, we strive on odd revelations and new ideas (chains of
thought). Stuff can be sent formatted (Laid out on a ready
to photocopy page) or unformatted (we will lay it out for
you). And once again everything will be re sent.
By now you are probably wondering how to receive the writings,
propaganda, etc... To get a reply of some sort, and as much
propaganda as we can fit send as many SASEs as you can, or as
many stamps as you can to:
Resist
POBox 5356
Louisville, KY
40205
We will try to keep track of who has gotten what, so if you
join us late we will pack all the old stuff together and send
it. Once again, please send your thoughts, this is what
drives us.
Once every so often, depending on the flow of things, all of
the Resist writings will be compiled in an issue of Modus
Operandi, and produced in a zine-like form. This is an
easier way to collect the Resist writings, although it is not
quite as interactive as a mail exchange. We will keep both in
equal running.
** Also, check for Resist stuff at the UWI ftp site, **
** 141.214.4.135 /docs/nohod or write to hydra@delphi.com **
** to find out about getting resist stuff via e-mail **
** and usenet. **
** Now look for resist material at the Spunk Press location[s]
too **
##########################
Hide, Strike, Mutate, Hide
##########################
by will siss
<ws3524a@auvm.american.edu>
As long as there is culture, there will always be a subculture.
As long as there are heroes, there will be antiheroes. As long
as there is logic, someone will be there to explode it all to hell.
The best we can do is educate ourselves and then keep it to
ourselves. Hide: and construct cabals of informed rebellion.
The world's governments are rich with propoganda - it is our duty
to subvert with specifics, an agenda, and a vision.
Once the undergrounds are established, the world above will become
jealous of our freedom and try to overcome us. Instead of constantly
retreating, we should form coalitions to make a statement. Scare with
information. Strike with the bizarre and create our own reality.
Once the inevitable is realized, and the underground is revealed,
like the spacey aliens of the imagination, we mutuate. Confuse and
disappoint. Find friends within the discontent and command the future
with metamorphoses.
Then hide. We'll keep it to ourselves.
And never listen to a label. "Cyberpunk" is dead.
Long live the next wave.
###################################
######## What's the Point #########
An assaultive RaNT against a narrow
minded capitalistic lifestyle #####
###################################
by Cato
You spend too much time on your artificial things, you waste to
much time making money, you take too much time spending
money. You never stop to question why you do the things you
do, you don't ask yourself why, you don't attempt to find the
truth. Your life is spent first learning to earn money, then
working to gain money, spending the money, and then death.
Never even had a point....
Why live life if you do not attempt to understand it. The
black box of existence is not meant to be used and taken for
granted, it is meant to be opened, viewed, torn apart,
scrambled, demolished, destroyed, examined, and reassembled.
Too many fools, rich and poor, live life trying to be happy,
without every stopping to try and figure out how they can be
happy. You must stop everything your doing, it is never too
late. The fool's life ends, and what did they gain? Material
possessions, only to be passed onto others, and what does s/he
take with him? nothing... not much at least. Regardless of
your religion, regardless of what you believe, it is
imperative that nothing be taken for granted, everything must
be examined [not all things, all things individual... your
beliefs, morals, attitudes, emotions, etc...]
You must not fall into the trap of undirected movement, you
must not strive for a goal laid down for you by society, or
one laid down by anyone but yourself...
...
...
...
Cato
######################################
An-ar-chy n. 1. Absense of government.
2. Lawless confusion and political ###
disorder. 3. General Disorder ########
######################################
By Sluggo -)(- Resist 1994
All they want is control, total control. They have no concern
for our msafety, what is our safety to them. The only reason anything
is made illegal is to satisfy the people, or to protect the government,
but never just for our safety.
You think that you can hide by getting your social security number
revoked, or by not getting a credit card. You could go thru tons of
painstaking measures to evade the government, but it doesn't matter. They
will always be able to find you, and if you let them, they will always be
able to control you. They have their powerful armies of soldiers armed
with assult rifles, and their police squads in every single state. These
are their tools to keep you in fear, scared and quiet. You say that the
easiest thing to do is to just keep your silence, obey laws, and go about
your life. "Then they won't bother you" you say. But they still have
control. "I am an individual", you say. How can you be an individual when
you are just another one of their puppets, doing as they say, obeying them
like a dog.
You say that anarchy wouldn't work, that its pointless, just afew
stupid kids trying to be different. Anarchy is a cry for freedom. "But we
already have freedom. We're in America, land of the free!" you say. We are
not free, the freedom is in your minds. It's there because they have put it
there. What better way to have total power then to lead you inot believing
that you are free. You are never free. They have created a system in which
most of the people who support their government by working hard to pay taxes
and obeying laws, live a happy comfortable life, and those who don't havn't
got enough say-so to change anything, for they are the poor, the lower class.
Why listen to them as long as the systems works for you? So go on with your
comfortable lives, but no matter what they tell you, you are not free! You
are never free! Every minute that you don't speak out or do something to
stop them, they gain more and more control over you. We need no
justification for anarchy, for we only want our freedom, not the bullshit
that they feed you, but real freedom.
Join us now before you are caught in a crumbling system of
government and authority. Otherwise, you can go on thinking that
everything is fine, while they control your mind and lives.
The choice is yours.
Sluggo 1994
Resist -)(-
####################################
An Interview with Operation Mindfuck
(originally to Appear in ToR #3) ###
####################################
ToR interviewed Jason Corley, 'head' of Operation Mindfuck,
here goes...
Temple of Reason: What is a mindfuck?
Jason Corley: Operation Mindfuck was first described by Robert Anton
Wilson in his underground classic _The Illuminatus! Trilogy_. In it's
simplest form, OM is civilian psychological warfare. He describes
it much better than I ever could, but I'll give it my best shot.
There are certain people in the world that really deserve worse than
they are getting. That is, they are prejudiced against new ideas,
good ideas, or both. Often, these people are in a position to
affect many, many lives. In George Hayduke's "Revenge" series
(as I like to call them), the attacks on these people are personal
and direct. There is often no doubt as to the intention of the
attacker, though their identity may remain secret.
To the person involved in OM, this defeats the entire purpose
of attempting to get through to someone. Think about it: if you
were (are?) an asshole, would you change your ways or your mind
just because someone left a bunch of health hazard signs spread
around and bullion cubes jammed into the faucets? No. Once
you figured out the joke, you would put it out of your mind... _or
become a bigger asshole_.
This is not the purpose of Operation Mindfuck. OM is directed
at changing mental states by introducing confusing and downright
eerie stimuli. The chosen vehicle for these stimuli is usually the Postal
Service.
Once the stimuli have begun, the subject will progress through
stages of strained amusement, nervousness, paranoia, anger and
frustration, and that can't be all bad, can it?
ToR: Why did you start this project (operation)?
JC: I first tried the Mindfuck on a local scholarship organization
that had passed over several friends of mine because of the
color of their skin. My friends took this lightly, but I did not.
There was no appeal process to go through, so our hands were tied.
Operation Mindfuck was the only choice, and we did it for eight
months, seriously shaking up several who worked at the offices
of the organization and having good, cathartic fun the whole time.
ToR: What is your MO (modus operandi)?
JC: The usual method by which the Mindfuck works is this:
First, select your target. (We'll call him Skippy.) Do this
carefully. People high up in government such as Congress and
the President make poor targets. They receive so much confusing
stimuli from _real crackpots_ that yours will be lost in the
shuffle.
Second, establish connections with people "in" other postmarks.
Nothing will blow an OM faster than a lot of identical postmarks
on letters. This is where electronic mail becomes extremely useful,
because it can connect people in other states and other countries
very quickly.
Third, create spurious organizations who will send information,
requests and other messages to the target. There are several
sorts of fictional organizations you can make:
1. Silly and hostile. "We of the Traffic Engineers Union Local
#667 demand that you equitably treat the traffic engineers in your
organization or be faced with ten-minute red lights at every
intersection on your drive home. We are serious about this."
2. Scary and friendly. "The American White People's Party
salutes you for your diligence and efforts to maintain the god-
given white male position in our society. You are now a Grand
High Poobah."
3. Silly and friendly. "Do you want to make more money?
Sure, we all do! That's why the International Counterfeiter's
School is offering seminars for you and your executives, totally
free of charge. If you are interested, call..."
4. Eerie. "Please, you've got to help me. You're my
last hope. Do you remember that night in (insert suburb or
nearby town here)? I mean it, I need to talk to you right away.
You know where to find me."
5. Incomprehensible. "The rat flies at midnight, captain.
Talk to Spaldoni, he and flatfoot are eating out in the garden."
Fourth, write the letters, with your people in the other states.
If they don't have the time or the inclination, just send _them_
the letter so that they can get the postmark.
That's it. From there on out, just keep up the proliferation of
organizations and people as long as you can.
ToR: How coordinated is your operation, is there a established
group of people who take part in your OM?
JC: Each OM is different. Several of my friends in different
states have assisted me in the past. Any creative person
is a valuable addition to the OM team. What's more,
it's fun, so even people who haven't been directly offended
by the target can still have fun spreading a little truth.
ToR: How frequently is their a call for Operation Mindfuck?
JC: Sad to say, today's world is chock full of targets. As I said
before, though, the best OMs are local. Find that special
someone who has insulted, ruined, or displayed incredible stupidity,
they may live up your street or around the world, and do it.
And if one of your friends helping you finds a target in _his_
neighborhood, you should pitch in and lend a hand. Sounds like a
citizenship film from 5th grade gone horribly awry.
ToR: How widespread is your project (i.e. regional, national,
global, etc..)?
JC: By it's nature, the OM needs to be in more than one zip code.
In a practical sense, this means that people from all over the
world can concentrate their efforts on one target. Whether
you would classify this as a regional project (since only
one target at a time is selected) or a global project
(since the letters come from all over the world), I don't know.
ToR: If someone has a target in mind, but lacks participants in
other areas, can they contact you for help in their OM?
JC: Yes, of course, though I can't say how soon I'll get back to them.
I prefer email contact: corleyj@gas.uug.arizona.edu should do it.
You would be surprised how many potential participants there are
out there, though. I would say that anyone with any friends at
all shouldn't have too many problems.
ToR: How devoted are you to Discordianism? Do you have any interest
in more modern pseduocultreligions (such as Subgenius, Kibology, HToMc,
etc)?
JC: Hah! Discordianism is the tool of Satan! I spit on Kibology THUS
pthooi! The High Temple of Mass Consumption is a convocation of
liars and lunatics! Follow the one True Truth and that is all
you will need. If you think I'm going to tell you what it is,
you're sorely mistaken.
ToR: Any closing comments?
JC: Yes: In the immortal words of Tom Stoppard: "Things have gone
about as far as they can possibly go when things have gotten
about as bad as they can reasonably get." Know when to stop.
Ideally, you should build the tension and paranoia of the
letters to a fever pitch, perhaps sending two or three a day
(from different zip codes, again.) And then, suddenly stop.
Clean out the stationery files on your computer, delete
all the records, and stop buying stamps. It never happened.
This will leave them available to be another target, months
or years later.
#################################
"the religion of no-religion" ###
(One of the pieces which started
It all) #########################
(name taken from a reply received
against the views presented here)
#################################
by mr. hands, from a late-night
revelation... refined for print.
When was the last time you thought? weeks. We are being swept
away by truth and reality (theirs). We are suppressed by the
dismal weight of political correctness.
WEyou ARE SUFFOCATING.
they define your reality, BUT NOT IF YOU DEFINE IT FIRST.
they can't allow you to learn and think freely, if you did YOU
MIGHT REALIZE SOMETHING -THEY- DIDN'T THINK OF. You posses all
real knowledge, but it must be realized.
Then it gets more cOMPLEx. The media floods our minds with
mixed images, throwing us into confusion and submission.
Killing us with information overload, to much glamour and pride
we forget to look at the purpose.
TELEVISION FLOODS OUR MINDS WITH MIXED IMAGES,
THROWING US INTO CONFUSION AND SUBMISSION.
KILLING US WITH INFORMATION OVERLOAD, COVERING POINT AND IMAGE
WITH GLAMOUR AND PATRIOTISM, WE FORGET[_are_not_allowed_]
TO LOOK AT THE MEANING, AND THE CONSEQUENCES.
THE WEAK FALL... BUT YOU MUST [NOT]not[NOT] DRINK FROM THEY'RE
STREAM[OF INFORMATION]. GENERATE YOUR OWN [simple] SPIRITUALITY AND
BUILD FROM IT YOUR OWN [complex] REALITY. DEFINE YOUR OWN
MORALS AND BELIEFS, DON'T LET THEM FEED YOU THEIRS. YOU MUST
THINK BRIGHT AND BURN FREE. DESTROY THAT WHICH POISONS THE
STREAM, STRIVE FOR YOUR OWN REALITY AND FIND OTHERS WHO CAME
TO THE SAME CONCLUSION.
create religions, don't follow them .
[CREATE RELIGIONS, DON'T FOLLOW THEM].
create religions, don't follow them .
[[[And back to reality]]] they suppress your ability to
think. This isn't a lack of freedom of speech or expression,
it is a suffocation of individualism at it's root: spirituality,
reality, consciousness. FLY FREE FROM THE BONDS OF REALITY
and drift in the seas of isolated thought. They toy with your
inner rebelliousness, and feed it false gifts of freedom and
justice for all. If we are free, why will I be outcast if I
decide to believe something they don't! It's only freedom if
you stay within their boundaries.
think bright, burn free.
destroy and rebuild, LIFE IS OUTDATED.
deny religion it's foothold on your mind.
YELL OUT YOUR VIEWS. CONVERT EVERYONE.
form sects of like mind.
ISOLATE SUFFOCATION AND DESTROY IT.
above all.
resist
pobox 5356
louisville, ky
40205.
send a SASE or two stamps for more.
As a matter of fact, send as many as you can (stamps and SASEs).
define your own reality.
a re-evolution has begun, and it concerns everything and
everyone.
. [ r e s i s t ] . M r H a n d s . 1 9 9 3 . [ r e s i s t ] .
##############
TV'S REAL GAME
##############
by Phineas Narco
[appropriated from the Internet, where this originally
appeared, and is used with permission of the author. ]
The recent earthquake media feeding frenzy points out
something you'll find in almost all media... an almost
universal focus on drama, tragedy, sex and bad news.
Everyone complains about too much sex & violence on TV (well
almost everyone, there seem to be no groups calling for MORE
sex & violence anyway) and yet the most violent (and sexy)
shows are the ones that get the highest ratings. People
seem to generally like this stuff, otherwise there wouldn't
be so much of it. The fascination with tragedy (especially
someone ELSE'S tragedy) certainly is nothing new. Even back
in ancient Greece some of the most popular theater (an
ancient equivalent of television) were tragedies like
Oedipus Rex. We seem to have always liked and been
fascinated by bad news.
I think boredom is another reason we like it. Bad news
is exciting cuz we can vicariously experience, through
television, great tragedies and disasters without having to
actually go through them. Most of the tragic stories that
bombard us from television don't happen to most people. We
wouldn't really want them to happen to us but we can derive
the 'benefit' of being vicariously excited by the stories.
'Reality' for most of us consists of going to work, leisure
time, sleeping and eating. 'Reality' as television presents
it, is a very dangerous, disturbing, exciting, and drama-
filled world. Studies have shown that people who watch a
lot of TV generally think the world is a much more dangerous
place than people who do not watch TV (or watch it less).
>From talking to people in general I get the impression that
most people are bored and unsatisfied with their jobs (they
can't really pick and choose too much for them, they take
what they can get) and television helps them to create the
illusion that the world (read: their life) is more
dangerous (read: exciting) than it is. Most people, after
getting home from a boring, unsatisfying, and/or demeaning
job will immediately turn on the television to 'unwind' in
front of it. Why else (other than the fact that it
mesmerizes, titillate and excites us) would someone want to
present the world this way to us?
The answer, or at least one the answers, is money.
Television is a money making machine. Just about everyone
on there is being paid money to say what they're saying.
All programming is presented so that commercials (or
donation acknowledgements) can be shown along with them.
Generally speaking, you have a lot of programming that
presents a dreadful world full of fear and horror and every
so often they break from this for commercials that promise a
relief from dread (such as sexual frustration, social or
physical insecurity, class envy) *IF* YOU BUY... <fill in
the blank>.
This is the same reason you get so many anti-sex
sentiments expressed by the religious right and 'moralistic'
politicians. Think about how you've felt right after you've
had really good sex. You feel happy, satisfied and content.
You certainly don't want to run right out and buy something
do you? If you can sexually frustrate people by putting out
the message that 'sex is dirty except sometimes for the
purpose of procreation' and simultaneously titillate them
with erotic imagery (just turn on MTV, or any other
countless programs, anytime for an example) then these same
people will be much more susceptible to advertising
campaigns that promise sexual satisfaction as a consequence
of buying... <fill in the blank>. And all you have to do is
open a magazine or turn on the television and you'll find
endless ads from ad campaigns that are designed this way. A
sexually frustrated population is a population of eager
consumers.
I think this is TV's real game. Question is, people:
how long are we gonna play it?
#######################
Pre-Manifesto of the
Children of the Pyramid
#######################
by the CotP
A warning. We are watching your every action. We are ready to
strike should you offend. You attempt to suppress us, but we
will survive. We may have begun as your sorry children, but we
have grown apart with time. We no longer respect you. You may
watch us, but we will stare back into your eyes, unforgiving and
unrelenting. We are still unsure of our final goal, but when it
is discovered, you will not stand in our way.
Children of the Pyramid.
It is only the beginning and life is still young.
[Children of the Pyramid can be contacted by sending them mail
thru Resist (i.e. CotP c/o Resist), we will pass all mail on to
them]
############################
And now a little paranoia...
-><- #######################
############################
By BOB E (originally posted anonymous)
[appropriated from the Internet, where this originally
appeared, and is used with permission of the author. ]
On December 31, known cyberspace rights advocate, EFF member and
author of "Zen and the Art of the Internet", Brendan Kehoe, was involved in
a car accident. This accident almost cost him his life, and even now he is
unconscious and will be crippled for life.
The "accident" is no coincidence. This was an attempt on Kehoe's
life. Earlier that day, a CIA "black operations" squad tampered with his
car severing the brake lines. The assassination attempt was sanctioned by
the National Security Agency, the Federal Bureau of Investigations and the
National Reconnaissance Organization. Kehoe was a thorn in the side of these
powerful interests, because he was a senior figure in the Electronic Frontier
Foundation. The EFF has opposed the US Government/International Media
Corporations attempts to restrict cyberspace, bring the flow of information
under central CFR/Bilderberg/Trilateral/MJ-12 bolshevik control and to
abolish privacy on the network.
Now that Kehoe has been neutralized, the assassins will be going
after his successor and other advocates of individual freedom and net
privacy. NOBODY IS SAFE UNTIL THEY SUCCEED IN MAKING THE INTERNET A POLICE
STATE. ONE NET UNDER SURVEILLANCE, WITH MAIL INTERCEPTS AND WIRETAPS FOR
ALL.
###############################################
Now to end this first issue on a positive note,
here is something WE enjoyed... ###############
###############################################
[reprinted AS IS (was) with permission of the author. ]
In article <gate.NkRNFc1w165w@ecn.com>, John Blackman <jblack@ecn.com>
wrote:
> Good, I like to "get along". Will we shoot criminals dead in the
> streets in this system, and make the land safe again for our
> children?
No, but we will be shooting those who like to "get along" and their
children.
--
Mike Chapman mike@hopper.acs.virginia.edu ...!virginia!doxy!mike
"The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear
arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in
government."
- Thomas Jefferson (proposed Virginia Constituion)
############
#-><-##-)(-#
############
If you have any replies or requests of resist or of Modus
Operandi send them to:
resist
pobox 5356
louisville ky
40205
Modus Operandi is available hard copy for $2.00 per issue from
the above address, and contains the above and many more
additional articles, and of course lots of art and graphics!
Send 'MO' and Resist submissions and replies to the above
address as well.
Thanks.
Sluggo and Mr. Hands
resist 1994
your wasting away.
-><-
352.

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- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- girlie17's... -:- -:- -:-
-:- -:-
<< < -:- ggg
s&$""$$$""$&s .s&$P""$&s. $$$""""" .s&$P""$&s. ggggp**ggg. > >>
$$$$$$ $$$ $$$$$$&s - `7$$bmmgggg $$$ - $$$$$$$mmm$$$$$$$$$ - `7P' - ggg
-- $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$$ - $$$$$$ - $$$$$$$$ - $$$$$$$ - gggg $$$$ - gggg - $$$
-- $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$$ - $$$$$$ - $$$$ $$$ - $$$$$$$ - $$$$ $$$$ - $$$$ - $$$
*gg$$$ $$$ $$$ `7$$mmm$$$`7$mmm$$P' `7$bmm$P'`7$$bmm$$P' $$$$ `7$$mmm$$$
`7$$$ gggg $$$ gggg $$$
`7$b -:- `7$$mmm$P' -:- mystery poetry e'zine #1 -:- `7$$mmm$P'
<< < `' -:- > >>
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
"for such chaotic misch-masch potpourri,
what are we to expect but poetry?"
-:- t.s. eliot
-:- predictability's a bitch - by girlie17
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
here it is boys and girls, the introductory issue of mystery! an
e-zine dedicated to the expression and exploitation of all those wonderful
poems we write -:- because face it -:- our world's pretty fucked up. so
let's talk about it!
from that annoying boyfriend or girlfriend to the psycho stalker,
you know we've all felt it. and we'd all go crazy if we didn't try to
figure out exactly why we let these things get to us. here are a couple
of little poems i've written because no one can tell me they know how i
feel, and it's almost useless to try and explain it.
"unless you can see inside my head, you can't possibly understand."
-less than jake
so for all you girls out there tired of holding it all inside, i'm
just here to say that people will listen if you speak loud enough. you
just have to get their attention :) and that's not hard to do... so before
i turn the music on for my strip tease i'd just like to say that's there's
fun to be had for all... but just as much pain in the end.
lots of tasty poetry, so eat up!
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- table of contents
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
(1) to forget you...
(2) anticipation
(3) don't hurt me
(4) tell me
(5) and i wonder
(6) the only true pain i've felt
and its cause is you
(7) daily debate
(8) change of heart
(9) it feels good
(10) uncertainty
(11) there is no trust
(12) uncertain future
(13) and then what...
(14) things change
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- to forget you...
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
the world around me
crumbled down
my thoughts i wish
i could erase
i want things to be
the way they were
before i saw your face
you were just an illusion
the way i wanted you to be
but now i see you're no different
just pure complexity
so try and let me down
without too much bother
i can't be hurt anymore
all i'd wanted was us
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- anticipation
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
forty days and forty nights
it seemed i'd waited for you
the days were short
but the nights grew long
because i always wanted more
so tell me what you want from me
and then i will tell you...
are stories are too different
to ever follow through
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- don't hurt me
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
my love is starved
my lust is crazed
i can only say this
in so many ways
just tell me you need me
and then i can wait
but if not you'll puch me
to my next mistake
i'm trying to wait
to share it with you
but these feelings inside
i know they aren't thru
i need you to see me
take the risk
you've told me you want me
in so many words
but the distance betwee us
holds us apart
just one thing i have to say
whatever happens
don't break my heart
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- tell me
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
i sit here and wait
for your message to come
to know what you think
to know what you feel
the key to your thoughts
i want it so bad
i just need the truth
to woman from man
i try to tell you
just what i feel
but i won't come out
so what's the fuckin' deal
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- and i wonder
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
i hear your voice
over the phone
and it's hard to tell
just what i'm being told
i need an answer
can't waste anymore time
i still wait for you
but i don't know why
i met you twice
you took my soul
now i have
no place to go
empty promises
unfullfilled dreams
i'm not quite as you
think i seem
the world seems empty
without you by my side
i lay in bed and i start to cry
i still wait for you
but i don't know why
you keep up my hopes
and seem to try
but you just can't say it
and i wonder why
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- the only true pain i've felt and its cause is you
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
for once in my life
i felt it was right
innocence
it was different
something new
truth
we didn't lie
or try to be fake
reality
but then i left
and went away
pain
three states away
we sit each day
lust
i wait for him
and turn others away
why
we promise to meet
make future plans
feelings
so my hopes are there
but still he's not
faith
so still i write
and he replies
love
so i need him
can't do without
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- daily debate
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
not long ago
i was on top of the world
couldn't want more
so many places to go
but now it's changed
so quickly gone
i've never felt
so all alone
in a corner
i curl up
and see what's on the shelf
who says that all
the easy answers are gone
i've got a few right here
resting in my palm
no more ups
and no more downs
the problems repeat
go round and round
so i comfort myself
it'll all be over soon
i drown my sorrows
with one last tune
my hands are empty
my body's numb
i start to feel warm
and wait for the end to come
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- change of heart
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
for all the times you'd told me
you'd never love anyone more
for the the things you gave to me
you knew i'd never ask for
i'd given in to your sweet requests
and never thought you sore
but i never thought it'd end like this
and now i just feel like a whore
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- it feels good
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
for all the times
i've thought of you
i'd only hoped that
you'd think of me too
only wishes
only dreams
but that was just
the way it seemed
i didn't think
you'd have the time
to indulge my wants
and hear my rhyme
and then you surprised me
late one night
we shared our thoughts
and it was right
but now it's hard
for me to say
why exactly i feel this way
but it doesn't matter
i don't care
i'm not wearing underwear
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- uncertainty
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
i wait for you
and catch your eye
but never get
a simple hi
i used to think
that u wanted me
but now i feel
just too lonely...
i call your name
you look my way
you still smile
but i'm afraid to say...
so let me know
how u feel
so i can try
and start to heal
but maybe we
still have a chance
but i'm afraid
to stop and ask.
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- there is no trust
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
you seemed happy with me
a new adventure to look forward to
everything was new
so many promises, future plans
was this an act?
why do you seem so changed?
i'm not supposed to be here alone
yoi should be with me
i sacrificed for you
threw away another for you
so now who do i find comfort with?
you leave me with nothing
at a time when we should have been rich
i can't get an answer from you
or myself
i'm still confused about
the turns my life has taken
no more promises
no more dreams
it's just easier to rely on myself
no more disappointment
no more surprises
alone i find myself
faced with the truth
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- uncertain future
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
from far away
you smile at me
share your dreams...
and fantasies
it's the closest thing
i've found to love
but it still remains...
will you be the same
when i see you again
will your smile have changed
by the time i see you again
will you wait for me
so far away
what do you want from me...
so far away
i expect so much from you
i destroy myself
so i give up
and turn inward
have i found another happiness?
or just proved myself a hypocrite
so many questions
i'll never get to answer
maybe if i ignore them,
my problems will go away
just like you
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- and then what...
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
unexpected meeting
we find each other
cheerful greeting
we turn away from another...
we're pushed together
renew our past
talk to one another
a future? we asked
a sudden complication
of which i'm not aware
i'm afraid to ask the question
i'd never even dare
my irresponsible ignorance
foolish pride and spite
keep me from the truth
who knows what's right
this happened in our past
our only other encounter
we should have learned
from our last mistake
i guess neither of us has changed
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -
-:- things change
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
things have changed so quickly
but i don't seem to mind
i guess i wasn't ready
to see what i could find
or maybe i just wouldn't wait
for the plans i had inside
you were an excuse to put things off
a reason to brush aside
but now i know what i want
and it's not you...
so i guess i lied
i thought my feelings were real
maybe they were -:- i'll never know
so until i tell you
anything goes...
. :
;;,. ;;;
[[[[, ,[[[[,
- : ------------------------- $$$$$$$$"$$$ ----------------------------- : -
888 Y88" 888o
MMM M' "MMM
"life is a mystery,
everyone must stand alone."
-:- madonna
mystery #1 was written by girlie17 and edited by mogel.
mystery e'zine (c) copyright 1997. all rights reserved.
please direct all correspondance & submissions to mogel@dto.net.
- : -------------------------------------------------------------------- : -

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From interaccess!swiss.ans.net!howland.reston.ans.net!agate!soda.CSUA.Berkeley.EDU!remailer Tue Jan 3 23:03:25 1995
Path: interaccess!swiss.ans.net!howland.reston.ans.net!agate!soda.CSUA.Berkeley.EDU!remailer
From: Tommy the Tourist (Anon User) <nobody@csua.berkeley.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.net.scandal,alt.zines,alt.journalism,alt.insults.gangbang,ont.general,can.general,alt.usenet.kooks,alt.activism,alt.2600,alt.news-media,tor.general
Subject: NET.VANDAL Vol 1 Num 3
Date: 3 Jan 1995 06:25:18 GMT
Organization: none
Lines: 401
Distribution: world
Message-ID: <3eaqke$gr0@agate.berkeley.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: soda.csua.berkeley.edu
Errors-To: nobody@soda.berkeley.edu
Originator: remailer@soda.CSUA.Berkeley.EDU
Xref: interaccess alt.net.scandal:39 alt.zines:7756 alt.journalism:10251 alt.insults.gangbang:79 alt.usenet.kooks:12773 alt.activism:75777 alt.2600:48371 alt.news-media:13185
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*VOL:1* NUMBER 3.000199, Jan. 2, 1995 ALL WRONGS DESERVED TORONTO
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ET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDA
T.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL
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ANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||
NDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||N
DAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NET.VANDAL|||NE
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An exercise in irritainment and mathematical mind-blanking
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NET.VANDAL vol 1, number 3.000199
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Brought to you by: The Most Reverend Lucifer Messiah
CONTENTS
ontent
nten
..
* F E A T U R E *
Where Are We Going?
- The Most Reverend Father continues bashing iNTEL
* G O S S I P - R U M O U R - F E E D B A C K *
- Work, Stealing a Byte,
* C A B A L T R I C K S *
- The iNTEL UnrePentium Story
* S P O R T S *
- Windows 3.1 Redefining Mathematics
"We are Intel of Borg. Accuracy is irrelevant. Mathematics
is irrelevant. Your division will be estimated"
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* F E A T U R E *
Where Are We Going?
- The Most Reverend Father continues bashing iNTEL
In the last issue, I wrote an article entitled 'Where have we been?'. This
time around, I thought I would look a little into the future, and ponder
what it has to offer. At this point, we need not look too far ahead. The
answer is staring at us right in the face.
In light of iNTEL's most recent misfortune, looking at the future of home
based computing has become a very easy task indeed. In case you haven't
heard, (and if not, where have you been?), the IDIV function, responsible
for dividing floating point numbers, in the Pentium processor is bugged,
and known to give faulty results.
Nobody actually noticed that there was a problem, until some poor hapless
soul posted the following message on a small local BBS in Dildo,
Newfoundland:
---
Hello,
Could anyone help?
I upgraded my motherboard yesterday from a 486DX4 to a pentium, but now
I am not longer able to start WinWord. It terminates exectution with
the message "wrong Windows version: 3.095"
Any suggestions?
---
Okay, maybe that isn't the way it all started. No matter. Somebody screwed
up, and nobody is willing to take the blame.
What is this with iNTEL? My last article dealt with how long they have
taken to reach standards already reached some years back, and now we see
that when they try to invent their own standards, everything runs amuck!
When news of this bug got around, iNTEL offered (under extreme pressure, we
can be assured) to replace the chips. Arguing that this bug is so minor
that the average user wouldn't see its effects, that only one in 27 billion
or so divisions will produce incorrect results (an arguable estimate, BTW,
since it was worked out on the above said Pentium chip), iNTEL would replace
your Pentium chip _if_ you could prove that you truly needed it. Maybe the
iNTEL developers should only recieve their pay if they can prove that they
really need it. This has apparently changed, yet again, and iNTEL will
replace the chip no questions asked (using a $2000 credit card bond, and
a very difficult process to bear, but that is another subject unto its
own)
To add more dry wood to the fire, it appears that iNTEL has known about this
bug since the summer. In what was probably a move to save face, iNTEL chose
to hide the problem, and then when confronted by it, low-played its
severity. At the very least, their extreme reluctance to replace the
defective chips is a sign of the quality of service we can come to expect
from iNTEL in years to come.
Many people think the hubbub isn't worth raising sweat over. Lets make a
parallel to the story. Say Toyota releases a car, in which they find that
once in every 27 billion revolutions of the axel, the wheels just might fall
off. What would the public reaction be if Toyota decided to hide the
problem, and then upon its exposure, show similar reluctance in replacing
the defective parts? What if the axel was replaced only if you prove that
you will reach that 27 billionth revolution at some date in the near future?
Or that you actually _do_ need 4 wheels to drive on, in lieu of the fact
that motorcycles only require 2 of them. Chances are, Toyota would have
quite a problem on their hands. The buying public wouldn't stand for such
sloppiness and such obstinance. Toyota would be forced out of business.
But this would never happen. In the auto industry, recalls or replacements
have always been immediate. None of this hiding behind shadows, hoping that
the wheels will hold on for enough years that customers never find out what
the industry was keeping from them.
It is, of course, quite interesting to see exactly how severe this problem
is. For this bug has been so lowplayed that it will reportedly affect a
system only one out of so many billion potential passes. Taking this into
account, it should also be an equally complex matter to reproduce the
problem. The mathematical equations would have to be great.
Apparently not.
Pentium users, try dividing 5505001 by 294911. Your trusty dusty Pentium
will tell you that the answer to this simple division is 18.66600093. The
real answer? How does 18.66665197 sound? That wasn't so hard afterall.
And worse, several other similar equations, each very simple, have been
developed which give incorrect results. If it is this easy to trip off,
then why does iNTEL deny it so?
The real problem was not with the bug itself. It was with iNTEL's refusal
to respond to it in a professional manner, or even with some form of
business ethics. In this day and age, where technology is outracing our
capacity to keep it all together, are we losing touch of values that we once
held onto with all our might?
One parting shot. I am easily reminded of the most recent Star Trek movie,
Generations, where Data is completely frazzled by the same emotion chip that
had previously led to his own brother's demise. Do you think, could it be
that the chip was a Pentium-based processor?
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* G O S S I P - R U M O U R - F E E D B A C K *
Many apologies go to the numerous people who wrote in wondering where the
hell NET.VANDAL had disappeared to. I went through a busy period at work,
and had to put my time to other use. Things are back to normal now, and
that's only so far as normal gets in a mag like this, and so here we are
with a shiny new edition of NET.VANDAL.
Let's see, what happened while we waited for this issue...
Landon Dyer played the dating game, telling me that he has Byte magazine #2,
and had #1 before it was stolen. (I doubt it will be found on the "Back
Issues" page!). Landon says that the 32032-based computer in the
advertisement I ranted about in NET.VANDAL vol 1 issue 2 ran like a pig,
albeit, elegantly. I'm not sure how an elegant pig runs, but I'm sure it
would be interesting to watch.
The lack of segmented memory was part of that elegance, to which I firmly
agree.
Another reader, who wished to remain anonymous (how goofy), asked me to put
together an issue about cryptography. I've begun compiling information for
just such an issue. If anyone is interested in contributing, please send me
mail at lucifer@csis.pcscav.com. Good information on this topic is rather
hard to come by, so any submissions will be greatly appreciated.
That's about it. It's a new year now, and lord knows there will be all
kinds of new NET.VANDAL type material invading our homes.
(See, in refusing to take the glaring opportunity, I have avoided printing
out yet another blank, unemotional wish for a happy new year, or even a
belated Happy Ho Ho.)
Chao, kids.
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* C A B A L T R I C K S *
- The iNTEL UnrePentium Story
Keeping in the spirit of things, I compiled a few of the better Pentium
jokes, and other interesting responses, found on the net lately. Remember,
To Err is human. To really fuck it up, you need a Pentium. Enjoy!
Q) How many pentium designers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) 1.9999999943424 but iNTEL says that's close enough.
Q) Why did they name the 586 'Pentium'?
A) Because when they added 100 to 486, they came out with 586.465798654.
Q) Why did the Pentium cross the road?
A1) It was trying to stay on the sidewalk.
A2) Because someone threw it.
Q) Anyone heard about the rename of the RU486 abortion pill?
A) They'll rename it RU-Pentium since it prevents cell division to occur
correctly. Still under development at this time, the pill is not
reliable, causing spontaneous abortions only once in 27 billion
attempts. The company, however, feels it is good enough to sell to
anti-abortion groups and third world nations who have less need
for accuracy.
Q) What's the difference between an intel salesman and a used car salesman?
A1) A used car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.
A2) It's easier to tell when a car salesman is lying.
I'd be interested in knowing how this affects the average nuclear family.
What was that? 2.200011 children, or somewhere thereabouts? Close enough.
Coco Pentium machine Winner
------------------- --------------- ------------
Accurate division Who knows? Coco
Doesn't run Windows Runs Windows Coco
Costs $10 Costs $2500 Coco
CPU can't ... CPU can be used as coffee mug warmer Pentium
The good news is that pi, now becoming an integer, will be easier
to work with. The bad news is that now we'll have to watch Beverly
Hills 90209.9878733469...
One group calculated that Pentium errors should occur every 27 years.
Funny, I got every 26.999999789 years.
iNTEL's new logo: United we stand, Divided we fail.
Some TV shows that have sprung up in response to the Pentium fiasco:
- My 3.0154 Sons
- Beverly Hills 90210.999534
- Babylon 5.000000016
- Deep Space 8.7
- 3.076's Company
- Death of the Net, .GIF at 10:58:02
- Thirty.000458-Something
- Hawaii 50.2
- Rocky 7.1
TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
* S P O R T S *
- Windows 3.1 Redefining Mathematics
Sure, the Pentium may be bad, but there is another candidate for the
Mathematical Stupidity Prize: Windows Calculator.
It took a lot of work for Microsoft to make Windows something that people
would consider worth buying. I still remember all the hooplah regarding the
Windows "look", and how it infringed on Macintosh copyrights. It took until
version 3 before anyone would even look at it as a worthy computing
environment.
Now, after some years of people using this "environment" (I'm trying really
hard to avoid calling it an operating system), it has now become an office
staple. There probably isn't a modern office setting in North America that
doesn't have at least one Windows based PC.
But it, like the Pentium processor, is completely inane (or is that insane?)
when it comes to doing simple mathematics.
I came across this 2 years ago, when I used the Windows Calculator to
decrypt a text string in the 'Natas' computer virus (Written by NuKe). The
algorithm was simple. Each letter in the message was XOR'ed by 1. After
going through each character one at a time, and noticing that the result was
a completely incoherant jumble of letters and characters, I did the math by
hand. Oddly, done by hand produced results that could be understood.
Windows Calculator had correctly decrypted some of the letters, but not
others. The ratio of hits and misses was really sad. Needless to say, I
was quite glad my own system wasn't running MS-anything!
I called Microsoft, and they told me there was no such bug with Windows
Calculator, and that I must have been doing something wrong myself. I can
easily understand how a person who can do binary arithmetic by hand might not
have it in them to operate a calculator properly. Gee, thanks guys.
But that's not all. Binary arithmetic is one thing, but Windows Calculator
has been proven so useless that it can't even subtract properly!
Ironically, this bug also produces floating point errors, but much more
severe than with the Pentium IDIV problem.
We all know that 0.11 - 0.10 equals 0.01. We know this, because even
Windows Calculator will tell us that. Thank god, or at least Bill Gates,
for that.
But we also know that 1.11 - 1.10 also equals 0.01. We can even verify this
with Windows Calculator, can't we? Err, no, we can't. Windows Calculator
reports that it equals 0! Even weirder, if you multiply that 0 by 100, you
will get 1! This also works with 2.11, 3.11, etc.
Now let's add another decimal place to this game. Good old MicroSoft tells
us that 3.111 - 3.110 equals 0.00099999999999. I must have looked like
quite an idiot for all these years I thought it equalled 0.001.
But everything gets even stranger and stranger as you play around with the
decimal points. Adding yet another decimal point, and changing the pattern
a little, lets do 3.0001 - 3.00. Anybody with higher than a grade 4
mathematics will tell you that the answer is 0.0001. Not Windows
Calculator. The answer it spews back at you is 0.0001000000000002.
And to top it all off, the errors in Windows Calculator seem to be rather
inconsistant. Why can it subtract 0.10 from 0.11, but it can't subtract
1.10 from 1.11?
I find it very distressing that in a world of inferior PC's invading the
market, we allow ourselves to be sold such inferior software as well.
END ISSUE ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Addendum:
The reason so many Bible students allow themselves to become deceived is
that they study the word of God, and not the works of God.
Personal mail to:
lucifer@csis.pcscav.com
all wrongs deserved, granted "post-everywhere" status by the teenage buddha.
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*VOL:1* NUMBER 4, Mon Mar 6, 1995 ALL WRONGS DESERVED TORONTO
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ANDAL] [NET.VANDAL] [NET.VANDAL] [NET.VANDAL] [NET.VANDAL] [NET.VANDAL] [N
NDAL] [NET.VANDAL] [NET.VANDAL] [NET.VANDAL] [NET.VANDAL] [NET.VANDAL] [NE
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An exercise in irritainment and metamagical outranking
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NET.VANDAL vol 1, number 4
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Brought to you by: The Most Reverend Lucifer Messiah
CONTENTS
ontent
nten
..
* F E A T U R E *
Bell: Answering Your Call?
- The Truth About Long-Distance Providers
* G O S S I P - R U M O U R - F E E D B A C K *
- Congrats, Encryption, Famous Painters, Canadian Airborne
* C A B A L T R I C K S *
- Telephone Numbers to the Canadian Long Distance Providers
* S P O R T S *
- The Michelangelo Virus
"We are sorry. The number you have dialed is no longer in service
Please hang up and try your call again. This is a recording..."
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
* F E A T U R E *
Bell: Answering Your Call?
- The Truth About Long-Distance Providers
I don't know about other areas of the world, but ever since the CRTC
(Canadian Radio and Telecommunications Commission) decided Bell could no
longer have the monopoly on long distance telephony in Canada, (due to the
Equal Use of Access laws passed in July, 1994), this country has reached
its saturation point in long distance providers and resellers.
You may be wondering just how these companies can provide long distance
services at a reduced rate, and still be able to survive. Another important
consideration before choosing any one provider is, just how much will the
company save you. This issue's feature column will focus on these new
services, now approaching their first full year of availability in Canada.
A true telephone company is one which provides it's own switching and handles
the connection between the callers and the numbers being called. Although
in Canada, companies are forced to use phone lines owned by Bell, switching
and connections can be handled by any external source.
There are only a few major telcos in Canada, of which none crosses another's
servicing area. Some examples are AGT, Bell Canada, BC Tel, Island Tel,
MT&T, and Newfoundland Tel. Most of these companies are members of Stentor
Alliance.
There are also another kind of telco: one which services long distance only.
These companies service their own lines, and their own switching stations,
but do not process local calls. These companies can pass on savings by
providing lower overhead, since the companies are generally much smaller
than the areas major provider.
The other kind of provider is the long distance reseller. An example of
this kind of service is Sprint Canada. Companies of this sort buy huge
blocks of long distance time from the major area telco. Buying time in bulk
like this is much cheaper, and thus the company pays less. After adding in
their own price, the savings can be passed down to the end user.
The major telephone companies have created programs to compete with the
alternative providers, although the Equal Use of Access laws also forbid
them from selling less than the smaller companies. The program is called
Real Plus, or in Newfoundland, New Teleplus. For the most part, they offer
a 20% discount on the 3 numbers called in Canada and/or the US generating
the greatest cumulative spending, and 15% off of all other long distance
calls. There is, however, a $15 minium before savings take effect. MT&T and
Island Tel have extended this service to cover international calls as well,
but at a $20 per month minimum. Newfoundland is identical, offering the
same program as the others, except that there is no minimum spending before
saving, and there is a $2 subscription fee to use the service.
They each offer the Calling Card and the Hello Card (a debit card), and with
exception to MT&T and Island Tel, the Call Me Card (a credit card used for
having people call you).
They also offer Real Plus Rewards points, redeemable for Bell services and
products, GM Visa Card dollars for GM products, or Air Miles for travel
services.
What does the competition have to offer? Each has its own programs and
pricing, which can often be confusing. Here is a couple of Canada's largest
alternative LD providers, with a detailed description of the services they
have to offer.
* ACC - ACC Savings Plan
This company has different rates for different times throughout the day.
>From 8am until 6pm, the savings is 15%. From 6pm to 11pm, 35%, and from
11pm to 8am you get a savings of 30% off of the Bell time-of-day charges.
This comes with a $10 minimum calling before savings take place. They also
give you $10 in redeemable coupons for signing up.
* ACC - Students Plan and Homeservice Club
These are the same as ACC Savings plan, but for the student plan, from 8am
to 6pm you will get a 17% savings, and from 6pm to 11pm a 40% saving. The
Homeservice has 42% off during the 6pm to 11pm period.
* ACC - The Bay Service
This is the same as ACC Savings plan except that it pretty well gives you a
32% discount on all calls, except overseas, which get a 20% savings.
* Cam-Net - Universal Residential Plan
Cam-Net offers 25% off calls to Canada and 35% for the US, and 10% to
overseas. There is a referral bonus of $5 per activated referral, and new
customers are given a coupon book and 30 free minutes.
* Fonerola - Affinity Programme
Very odd. You'll have to call on this one. Rates vary for different areas
throughout the US and Canada. Then theirs a 25% savings on some European
places, and 15% on others. It's strength is in the fact that you can use it
to call american 1-800 numbers from Canada, but at $0.15 per minute.
* Hong Kong Telecom
Flat rates all day. 24 cents/minute intraprovincial. 32 cents/minute
introprovincial, and 34 cents to the US. Biggest savings are to Hong Kong
at 65 cents/minute. Interestingly, they do not offer the phone bills in
chinese. They give you a $10 off coupon book for signing up.
* London Telecom - Flat Rate Service
Costs $69.96/month for a maximum 80 hours of calls (40 in the day, and 40
hours in the PM hours). The area is very restricted, covering only part of
Ontario. They have a Reverse Calling feature which is similar to Collect
Calling, but with no extra charges incurred. 6 months of advanced payment
will get you one month free. 12 months of advanced payment will get you 2
free months. They also offer a 5% discount/month for each activated
referral.
* Sprint - The Most Worldwide
Gives you 50% off on the 1 number you call the most (in minutes, not number
of calls) in Canada, in the US, and Overseas. All other calls get 15% off.
The discount being based on minutes almost always yields higher overall
savings. There is some connection to Zellers and Club Z. They have a debit
or prepaid phone card called the Instant Foncard. Summer of this year they
will present customers with a credit type card.
* STN - Talk Around The Clock
They claim 60% off ALL long distance calls. What they don't tell you is
that they mean off of the Bell base rate, not the time-of-day rate like all
other services advertise. This advertisement is misleading. The greatest
savings are in the daytime. In the evening, you are saving about 38% over
Bell, and after 11, you are saving nothing.
This company is the one that was blamed for "slamming", hooking up customers
without their permission.
Their dishonest policies and advertising is a good hint that this company
is not one to play around with.
Crossed with the fact that the company is soon to be defunct (according to
an article in Toronto's the Globe And Mail), I wouldn't trust them.
* Unitel - One and All, Close Connections and Unitel Overseas
This company has several ways to save money, and plans that can be
overlapped for greater services. Set up the right way, one could save about
36% off of some of their calls. The Simple Savings program is really good
if you are spending over $75/month on your bill.
Early customers recieved a free month every year, based upon their average
bill totals for the year. They also give you $10 in call coupons, and until
the end of this month, offering 60% off all calls all day Saturdays.
*
For people with minimal phone bills, certainly the bill from their major
provider is most beneficial. You perhaps won't save _quite_ as much money,
but we may only be talking pennies or a few dollars. You are saving a trip
to 2 places to pay off phone services, and thus avoiding hassles.
People who have phone calls mostly to one number in Canada and one in the
US, and one overseas, Sprint is obviously in the lead. Unitel has a very
good package for those who have numbers that they call very regularly, and
have recently lifted the $3/month charge if you wanted discounts on
international calls.
According to the available information, STN is probably not a good idea in
any case. Not only because of their dishonest marketing schemes, but also
because their mother company in the US has recently stated that because STN
has been losing so much money for them, they may pull the financial plug,
effectively shutting them down, and leaving many customers hanging in a long
distance limbo.
For the most part, long distance savings depends on your calling patterns.
How much money a given company is going to save you in long distance
calling will vary constantly as your patterns change.
After reading unbiased information on the available options, one can make a
wise and educated decision, and begin saving money once hoarded by Bell
Canada.
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* G O S S I P - R U M O U R - F E E D B A C K *
Seems quite a few people rather liked the last issue (NET.VANDAL volume 1,
number 3.000199). I extend a collective 'Thanks!' to the many people who
wrote in with compliments. It was a lot of fun to write, and hopefully just
as much fun to read.
The issue also grabbed the attention of several new people who have now
subscribed to the list. Only one person cancelled their subscription, so it
couldn't have been all that bad. <g>
Be warned. Today is the day Michelangelo is to strike. Err, well, if your
reading this, he obviously hasn't affected your system this year round. See
this issue's Sports Section for the source code to the Michelangelo virus.
The Canadian Regiment disbanded yesterday. Incredible display, considering
what we know of them behind the scenes, don't you think? I still want to
know why CBC was allowed to show the hazing scenes on national TV, but if
any of us were to show a similar film, we would be charged for disseminating
pornography.
Two people have suggested that they would like to write articles on
encryption for an upcoming issue of NET.VANDAL. Keeping this in mind, I
wouldn't mind seeing some write-ups or other contributions from other people
on the list.
Send in some stuff! Anything used will be creditted to its author in any
way they see fit (or left blank if you wish to be anonymous).
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
* C A B A L T R I C K S *
Because of the feature column, I thought it would be a good idea to post the
phone numbers to the companies listed above. Remember that they are for
Canada only. Call them all. Get information right from the horse's mouths.
ACC (800)265-3600
AGT (403)530-4200
BC Tel (800)661-0166
Bell (416)310-2355
Cam-Net (800)688-9733
Fonorola (800)905-2580
Hongkong Telecom (604)668-9898 (long distance for many of its customes!)
Island Tel (902)436-4343
London Telecom depends on where you are
MT&T (902)454-7730
Newfoundland Telephone (709)739-2450
Sprint (800)980-5464 (english) (800)980-8595 (french)
STN (416)365-5743
Unitel (800)565-4708
I was seriously thinking about providing information on how some of these
services are hacked, but I thought, "Nah, none of the NET.VANDAL readers are
involved with this sort of activity", and thought better of it. We do have
a standard of conduct we must keep up. Oh well.
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
* S P O R T S *
What a beautiful day to have a virus crisis. For those who remember the
Michelangelo scare last year, beware. The virus could go off _any_ March
6th, wiping out the data on your hard drive, not just last year's.
Of course, as we found out, the entire show was just a media hoax led by the
likes of John McAfee, who were most likely looking to boost their sales more
than anything. The virus hadn't spread enough to worry about.
A quick rundown: This virus is the STONED virus with one slight
modification. STONED would write a simple message to the monitor
approximately once out of every 7 boots. Michelangelo was modified to
instead overwrite the hard drive with junk bytes from memory, thus trashing
any data held thereon.
Since it is nothing more than a copy of STONED with this minor change, it is
hardly the beast EE-CAD software chief Fred Grist was speaking of when he
said, "The Michelangelo virus is certainly one of the trickiest software
viruses to be encountered ... This virus program resembles the artist's
impatient personality - it is an elusive opponent" [May 1992, The Computer
Paper].
In celebration of one of the year's biggest flops, we present you with the
fully commented source code for the Michelangelo virus. Even if you don't
plan on compiling it, the source code is an interesting read.
begin 644 mich.zip
M4$L#!!0``@`(`#"B(AZ+Y*]S_PD``&<M```(````34E#2"Y!4TW-6O]SVC@6
M_]U_A7;F9JZ]^C(0TN9*IK.3!'*A32!;R/8Z-QU&V"+6QE@^20ZP/^S?OD^R
M;!R0#*3T[IA."9;\]+Z_SWOVY>#VMML?H3\^'.+C?4`'_-C)W=(@(C%.'DC,
MT`5C$@U)(!E'OU*>B;W)_;WVLR.Y#A4""T%FDWB)7@6OF^_?M]`GS(4D"?K(
M(IP(P1(?W5VB88"?"##/=^+N>W1WT,\/L&Q_,.H.V^KG*"+/S4H%PF@H64)"
M](0Y)8E$3\J\1PCU$M`J#A&;NG27<II(FCP`C0CS64R$0#/X#S\0)!E:LHPC
M$7`"MF$)(D^$+]$IFH`K"=]"3JYS-\=4"I3!&3&ZQ3R(T#L9^8K6/()]*,1+
M1"6:TSBV<L<"`G(!)PR.GG,JB3Y#:#<6B@Z&.T,J'@6BB5X+V"S-).%'&^24
M[O*MF!-@BI-`D<63F/@()R%*S&$3@CB9,C[#4L(5.@7"H.<U<A%.4Y(H/1\R
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M=WE]`.Y&-[W^I\.1Z_ZK>WS1ZQ^*W+ZZZ_6'H_.;&]#7O2!@<Q47B(1450>1
M061B@3J]X:=NIS="4\YFJ,\X9!ET#Z%,)27*[[7:U[C#:!4XTYBEZ5+3)G`!
MO9JK&\02LM(,32EDF]<^Q"ML48&KLLJ&L'FDJZ`<TI"@IE^4L):O;DI6M^ND
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MM&CJ=T+F4-EH,@7BH(-"^*/_CF4/^?G#\]8...(XI`OXH_EN8VD&FE=)',K)
M<F-1F67](ACC07\W/$\5C;%"*.V-7;_-4OT-=F=)..XF$FI0Y7/V,8,=8/+<
M:D2OIPSJFN>=@12H@R5&F0!;3)9FTRY5W+NFXX^W=ZN#PKEA>SH51")8&U\3
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MM7RE/*:RDLL)ZZC9BJ`N)6$,)^Z(5A3=,=RWJ?DT$Y$^2#B7\,)B5<->[(?Q
MIC63/"X_$QR/M40;6Q:&`E[X%O(S]I23%[95280*4[`TI)M4<MC6/FE=17[3
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M<EP0AQO78A:*^>;.61'S?BGAOR>+;Z7&+J$A4PW7E$*3#YE&Y6;AS+BWT)*-
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MYG8D?W#EW\VA8F[UK%=WF$NJR[%4$Q5EX>O.ZVUAXTQ+4&8FB_]M]?"4W=P@
M!Q`!X`*HOX`10HT7(.-8D`]@K'I+K(#,E"941"0T".=7TX?JSA3K';J_W8;H
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M@[06ZNSB9`-JW1ZGJ3:R<MJNQYVHX[2T_P2O-J./?$H"KIDET@EIK-;3:LLF
M$C(QE.5/>2:B=41V$E%Q6;B+,4M"Y@6?DLF:&@REYYTC7R9/!(`5E;H"DX>9
M&K7C,.1$;*9^$<6%_@+W8<05,CG3,0ORJ.\.O9T$KXPB5L9%9^>Q8'JXK69R
M$/U3S!5:W`17!!=,FZ'`1N^!T[(+VX6ATCW]'4WWS)]]`&FU)>#"`A+.KC)(
MZ2D3X@@$2AYD5'8D=358:\MB!ZAJJXZF'`FZ:P_UH2Y8+6HH*4\TWK,3ZJZ6
MWHFSD#^??IHSO-U:;3/H,AX#5F;E<$M)7!+3->F*Q3&;JT=&^C"R($&F'Y*H
M(4&J!#1AQI)XB58UJ:#8/FC+M360+L&GN8J?]16H%_K;YLD[=.ZAX_'I&52Z
M0.S??JL&'K#U]M[;[J?ZJ55-X:L$C17_>LZ&`.XXM0IZ#MXQ)WGE5>Z@DZ*&
MXZ>U\S3H1\U(W(T]%OX_&C;X/U(3_Q0BHI175XSKSE[F?=XH7T8$U-#!DI3'
M7-R/?!2HZRA4UW7G^E/131ONVWLKV0Q9(%+T-&N780MHHFF#117Q;,;QG*W(
M2EKOP`.K^LD2"*T:A*(Y4&9[P80IPJ#6D-.G/>=*SQVKUEE>I+D7SE+JFH(;
MQAX5G*V?FFP=OG28GCLLX4"@%]-'@EC&A3M"\V9D7'9S+^<\?QBVV)OYU=2F
MP[Z/]U6'!6672=\\E5,(TUN9TUV1P)>"&B0>.2:TEV7F<'O:>>141Z@ZXW<6
M]R]?H'#/7CI$LJ22RLI[];S%!R`M)&=+YW,`IU$K@Q?8:[!`R1#0U>?NU*%Z
M7L%E>\\6OAKCCMFX:@8;?CD8TKWP^(8!RJF?1+R/ZL"AO6:Z#*@F.ENF8X-D
M#+5L5M-WZ0E8W1&VY3T/"6-K.BSS<#$+K#S']$_J6&XVHV(29PYOUV7YMXVZ
MEA\PG64"5%O8S7@?6C4Y5FP`+G$G:XA?'.V)-Y]5BNHQ;<O6P`QUW9$>^38=
M;\IE<'_AR^ZPB?PP<G(2;(-")?T\O%=YE)83JNWS)\];3\.U2.GT^P>UVT:*
M6V%E/I@NWPU)2[FM3[!J/7`'L'#8P:^K(4RKQF/U`UWOP%/:TN%B1S7)%9[W
MK(#D#X3?-]QVI+&F2'%`T/;W(%ROIV@CE$1-WT?^D^GOO[@*YMHX7""A!P!0
M18GO[?MBSYEZ-R]7URP#.#@A2+^J*2.<O("8GIMH3`;0"E*D4_(KB_N5KYV<
MG[]]:W._;OXDH?J^\0SS1Y77-HBIIP[ZJ5_Q_H_G_0E02P$"%``4``(`"``P
MHB(>B^2O<_\)``!G+0``"``````````!````````````34E#2"Y!4TU02P4&
2``````$``0`V````)0H`````
`
end
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
[END ISSUE]
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
Addendum:
Man with problem keeping mouth shut may lose his teeth.
Personal mail to:
lucifer@csis.pcscav.com
all wrongs deserved, granted "post-everywhere" status by the teenage buddha.
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
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<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><> <20><> <20><> <20>
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<20><>
============================================================================
Approved for Public Distribution
Distribution is unlimited
SWaT is a trademark (C) 1993, Deth Ltd. All rights pissed away.
============================================================================
INTRODUCTION:
Welcome to what is probably the most awaited issue in the brief history
of the SWaT newsletter. This was to be the heralding issue of The Regulators,
but as you will soon find out, something went wrong. Very wrong. This is
a rather lengthy newsletter and we will initially give everyone the entire
history of the happenings in the last two weeks that echoed throughout the
pirate world. Later on in the issue, we have the site updates, courier
updates, HQ updates, and the Game of the Month, as well as some closing
comments.
IN THE BEGINNING....
No better place to begin than at the beginning of the entire scenario.
Business was going as usual for us in SWaT. The sites were coming in,
new sites were being broken in and receiving good warez, and the general
courier shifting was going on, with guys coming in and out of vacation.
Around the beginning of the month, when all this began, there wasn't much
new coming out, so life was pretty boring, sans the ocassional util and the
ocassional Jurassic Park fake. We had just added in White Rose into the
group and she and I were talking one night just about things in general.
Remembering she was in MALiCE before she came over, I asked her the million
dollar question:
"What happened to MALiCE?"
"I don't know, Paul. I haven't been in the group for months."
"Yeah, it's just that they REALLY seem to be dead... I know I make fun of
them, but even the MALiCE couriers don't know what's going on anymore.."
Later on, White Rose got a chance to speak with Liquid Khaos, who had just
gotten back from an eight-month hiatus from the scene, which included a trip
to Europe where he got a chance to meet and stay with the famous European
RAZOR and super spreaders like HOPPERMANiA, Macro Nit, DEViL, and the rest
of the bunch. She got him to call me up (maybe to set me straight about
MALiCE <snicker>) and I asked him the million dollar question as well.
"Where is MALiCE??"
"Oh, I don't know. Mike (Denizen) is such a dork.."
The conversation went on and Liquid Khaos proceeded to explain to me what an
idiot Denizen was. He explained to me how he had met all the Euros on a trip
out there and how he had managed to recruit them into MALiCE. They weren't
going to courier for them, just keep doing what they were doing (upload to
big boards) but put MALiCE somewhere in their user notes. Denizen had some
deep-seated aversion with Macro Nit, going all the way back to some SKiLLiON
disagreement, so he told Liquid Khaos that Macro Nit was not in. Liquid Khaos
also wanted to move the WHQ (or rather establish one) and he had gotten
Agents of Fortune to agree to become the new MALiCE WHQ. Denizen cried about
the idea as well, saying that when he got his board up, he wanted the WHQ.
Keep in mind that at this time, Denizen had no computer, much less a board
set up, much less more than 1 line to use for the board. He wanted to make
his little nonexistant one-node board the WHQ for MALiCE over a 6-node system
like Agents of Fortune (RAZOR US HQ, btw). So, when I talked to Liquid Khaos,
he wasn't exactly waving the MALiCE banner too hard. So, we talked a bit, and
he asked me the million dollar question:
"How is SWaT doing?"
"Damn good, we're raking it in and we're making a great name for ourselves.
We always have room for quality guys, though."
Well, if he hadn't gotten that hint, I would have been disappointed <grin>,
but right there, an idea was hatched. Taking his resources and SWaT's
resources and combining them to put a courier group so high up that it
would be untouchable was an idea that appealed to us both. So, we started
thinking of people who would stay and who would come over. I needed an
excuse to clean house in some areas of SWaT (coughcoughCANADAcoughcough)
and he wanted to gather up the best from MALiCE. So I told him to think
about it, call up Denizen and tell him he was leaving MALiCE, and we would
start working things out.
The next day rolled around. I called up Liquid Khaos and I asked him if he
had talked to Denizen. He said he hadn't, but he had talked to Disk Killer,
Potsie, and a couple of other people and they sounded very receptive of the
idea. So, we basically decided we didn't need to call up Denizen and we could
go on without having to tell him that he was about to be short a group. At
either rate, the understanding was that Denizen was out and wasn't going to
be a part of the plans of what we were about to form.
48 HOURS
For the next 48 hours, I was either on the phone, running conferences, or
trying to do the little schoolwork that I had to do for my college Pascal
class. No sleep. We hammered everything about the group out, starting with
who was in Senior Staff, who the members were, who the couriers were gonna be,
what sites were in, what sites were out, and finally, the courier assignments.
The moment of truth came when we began discussing names. Liquid Khaos and I
had decided that we would keep SWaT as the name, but the MALiCE guys that we
had brought in began complaining about it. After a 6-hour session of
throwing names around like EMPiRE, LEGiON, and OU<4F>12 (it was getting late),
we settled on The Regulators, named after Billy The Kid's gang. I thought it
was ok, but the rest of the general populace didn't, but we thought it was
better than nothing. We began procuring logos and pictures from iCE and
ACiD people and thus the great campaign was about to start. Then I began to
hear it:
"Where is Denizen"
"Who cares, he hasn't been around for a couple of months now"
"But we shouldn't go on without him"
"It's not his group, it's his people leaving.."
Denizen this, Denizen that, blah, blah.. it struck me as really stupid that
people would be mentioning this guy now. He hadn't been around for the group
for a couple of months, and if MALiCE wasn't faltering so bad, I don't think
half the couriers would have been beating down my door to become SWaT
couriers. It was at this point that I began to get a little perturbed. I
plainly told people that Denizen would be of no use to us and he wouldn't be
an asset to a group that I felt already was getting a little too big. I
asked people what he could do for us, and the best response was that we could
keep our SKiLLiON ties good. Big fucking deal, I thought to myself. So, I
told people not to think about Denizen anymore. Liquid Khaos was writing an
article for Lancelot ][ and he said he was gonna rip up Denizen. I thought
it would be hilarious. At any rate, after that was done, the group seemed to
get very solidified. I told the SWaT guys that SWaT was regrettably no more,
but that The Regulators was the who's who of couriers and the HQ boards were
one of the better ever assembled. So, most of the new couriers, although a
little disgruntled at me, lowered the SWaT banner in exchange for The
Regulators.
A GIANT WITH FEET OF CLAY
All seemed extraordinarily well. I got along great with just about
everyone in the new group. The senior staff was Liquid Khaos, Disk Killer,
Potsie, and myself. The members included White Rose, Der Schatten, Ben
Jammin, Lightning Hopkins, and a few more names. Everyone seemed happy.
Word had travelled all over the world about the new group, although we had
not formally announced it to anyone. We did the courier assignments and
everything started rolling. Then, once again, the D-word came up.
<message on my machine>
"Hey Paul, this is Disk Killer. I got a message from Mike today (Denizen)
and I think we should talk to him. Call me."
So I did. We talked about Denizen and I once again asked him why he thought
he should be in the group and what he thought he could offer. Disk Killer,
in his defense, didn't seem like he wanted him in the group. He didn't
really give me a straight answer as to what he could offer, but he did tell
me that Mike had helped MALiCE out before and all that. In my opinion, I
think things got very confused as to the nature of the merger. The MALiCE
guys thought it was MALiCE merging with SWaT, when in fact it was the best
of each group leaving their respective groups and forming something new.
There is a BIG difference. There would have still been a MALiCE, but only
with Denizen in it. Once again, I said that I didn't want Denizen in the
group and that was that. Fine. So now Denizen turns to Potsie, and Potsie,
Denizen, and I get in a little conference. It was the first time that I
had talked to Denizen in over three months, mainly due to a lot of arguing
and a lot of lying from his part. We talked and I was pretty nice with him.
He wanted to know who was in the group. I read the names of Sr Staff and he
stopped me when I finished that off.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where's my name in the group?"
"It's not your group and we thought we better go on with out you, Mike."
"But it's my couriers."
"But you're not active anymore"
It kinda escalated and I basically told him he wasn't in the group and that
any decision for him to be in the group was gonna be a decision between Sr
Staff and we'd get back to him on it. In other words, it was going to have
to be snowing in the lower depths of hell for him to be considered to come
into the group.
Lemme pause here for a second and explain the deep aversion with Denizen. I
was in MALiCE for quite some time, ever since the beginning in fact. I
couldn't complain about the couriers that I got. I got people like
Steelheart uploading tons to me. I was happy. I got involved in the stupid
gay war between DESTiNY and MALiCE and finally went to MALiCE. I talked to
Denizen a lot and I thought he was pretty cool. Then I come to find out that
MALiCE money was all going to him, no one else was getting a penny but him,
and he was using the money to pay for his phone bills, ansi requests for his
nonexistent board (which I helped to set up 80% of it) and various other
"expenses". Kinda ridiculous, I thought. I suggested dispersing the money
throughout the couriers, but he laughed at the idea. Then I started helping
him to spread stuff a little. I grabbed some files off of a few big boards
and uploaded them for him to Dark Palace. I thought, "hey, this courier
business isn't so bad," so I thought of forming SWaT. I bid Denizen goodbye,
he called me a fool for leaving, and the rest was history as far as SWaT is
concerned. Denizen and I talked and we had an agreement that I was not to
approach MALiCE guys. It did not mean that they couldn't approach SWaT, which
they did. So we took in some MALiCE guys and sites. They wanted service,
which wasn't being provided by MALiCE and which we were too eager to provide.
What pissed me off about Denizen is that he began to portray us as a bunch
of backstabbers to him (like Denizen is an extremely likable guy or something)
and that we were taking everyone's money and blowing it (we were dispersing
it to the couriers like I had suggested). MALiCE was on the ropes, Denizen
was pissed, and we took over very quickly as #1. But the badmouthing from
him continued until he moved out and dropped out of the scene for awhile.
Denizen totally destroyed MALiCE and I still can't believe these guys wanted
the idiot in the group.
ANYWAY, he stayed in the conference and people either blew him off, ignored
him, or said hello. When he hung up, he wanted us to call him back, but I
didn't see a point since he wasn't in, so he calls up Potsie and whines to
him. We all kinda laughed about it and I thought he was gone for good this
time.
The weekend rolls around and I basically wanted to go do other things (like
sleep a little). I went to DragonCon here for awhile and didn't think much
about the group until Sunday night. Everything seemed pretty good (again)
and the couriering finally had seemed to have gotten started. I didn't
feel like babysitting the group. I didn't really think much of anything
until Der Schatten calls me up.
"The D-word came up again."
"<groan>.. now what??"
"People still think that he should be in the group."
"<longer groan>.. I've fucking had with this shit."
So I call up Liquid Khaos, but he wasn't home. So, I waited till Monday to
make some more calls and see what the fuck was up now. But someone called me
first.
The D-word
"Hey Paul.."
"Hey Mike..."
"Well dude, listen, since we are now Sr Staff in the same group I th--"
"What are you talking about Mike?"
"I'm talking about The Regulators. I wanted to talk to you and see what was
going on with the group, with the money ((AHA! The truth comes out..)) and--"
"You're not in the group."
"Yes I am. Potsie, Disk Killer, and Liquid Khaos all said I was."
"I wasn't consulted."
"I don't think you matter."
"IS THAT A FACT? Well Mike, I don't think it's snowing in Hell, so you're
not in the group. We can always use couriers though."
The rest of the conversation was basically me yelling at him and reminding
him that MALiCE went belly-up in everyone's eyes because of him, that he was
sorry, that he was a thief, and that he was pretty damn incompetent. He
hung up, which was my main objective <g>.
I think it was around that time that I basically decided to end the charade.
If they wanted Denizen so bad, they could have him. It's hard for me to
comprehend why people want to hang on to washed-up cheating relics which are
no good to anyone, like Denizen. He cheated MALiCE, caused the group to go
down the tubes, got involved in a useless rag war with CETiS that just got
him kicked off of FelonyNET and MALiCE couriers were begging to come over to
SWaT. What these people thought they owed him is beyond me. So, I called up
Disk Killer, asked him what the hell was going on, he told me he was trying
to avoid Denizen's messages. In all defense to DK, I thought he was caught
between a rock and a hard place. He obviously knew it was time to go on,
but he also didn't want to burn the bridges between him and Denizen,
especially considering that Denizen was his CoSysop. Potsie, I didn't get
to talk to him, but I get the feeling that Denizen was hounding him.
Liquid Khaos didn't give a shit either way, but he wasn't exactly in the
Denizen fan club (remember WAY UP there he wanted to leave MALiCE anyhow).
Then I talked to a couple of the old SWaT guys, who had caught wind of the
D-word still coming up and they told me that SWaT needs to come back. "Don't
fix it if it's not broken" was the extent of their words. Looking back at
all the bullshit that had happened, 48 straight hours of conferencing and
phone calls, setting up sites, getting ansis done, and this Denizen bullshit
was frankly a slap in the face. They didn't want a new group, they wanted
a better MALiCE. They didn't want to tell Denizen to fuck off, which I do
understand, but I didn't agree with. The SWaT guys were small in The
Regulators, but we held all the cards, so to speak, so if we walked away,
we would have all the euros follow us. And we'd have a little better grip
of the situation. I finally decided to quit The Regulators and reform SWaT
early Wednesday morning on July 21. The group lasted about a week and a
half and while it was around, it was probably the best one ever assembled.
But too many differences about Denizen made me feel like an idiot for going
through the whole thing. A lot of The Regulators are coming to SWaT, so
it's going to be something run like the way The Regulators should have been
run, except with no bullshit.
ICARUS FALLING
I saw SWaT almost like the Flight of Icarus for awhile. We dared to
fly a little closer to the sun, to achieve the level of couriers that was
never seen before, one with the best couriers with the fastest warez to all
our sites. The merger with MALiCE to form The Regulators nearly melted the
wings of our success to nothing. Unlike Icarus, we're daring, but we're no
fools. Denizen in the group would have caused discord, battle lines drawn
for an idiotic ego war where Denizen would have tried to establish himself
as some kind of overlord, just like he has done in the past. It would have
caused a struggle no one wanted nor needed. He is like a moth that flies
too close to a person. He gets annoying and eventually it gets SWaTTed,
pardon the pun..:)..
I've learned from this, met people that I hope I'll continue dealing with,
because despite the seemingly deadness of MALiCE, there were good people in
it. Liquid Khaos will be Sr staff in SWaT and we will set up SWaT the way
The Regulators should be: no bullshit, no triple-tier hierarchy of couriers
with big egos, just good boards with good couriers and the fastest warez we
can deliver. That was the cornerstone of SWaT and it will continue that way.
HQ UPDATES
Well, with everything that has happenned, it'd be a shame to lose some
of the stuff we have worked towards so hard. Liquid Khaos and I will work
to keep The Regulator HQ boards. So, tentivaly, these are the new SWaT HQ
boards:
WHQ: Agents of Fortune-- This board has grown a lot over the last year and
it now serves as the WHQ for SWaT. It is also the USHQ for RAZOR and WHQ
for those lovable Kiwis <g>. If you haven't called in awhile, you're
missing out..
Canadian HQ: The Hood-- The board still rocks and we will be focusing all
our Canadian interests there...
Courier HQ #1: Alpha 2010-- The second fastest board in the US, soon
expading to 10 nodes. The staff is great, the people there are quality,
and there is no bullshit. One of the best ever.
Courier HQ #2: Dark Palace-- The soap opera between Escape Key and Torgall
reaches a fever pitch as Torgall gets deleted!! :) Stay tuned for further
details in "As the Palace turns...".. :).. really, though, 10 nodes, cool
warez, and cool SWaT people make this the ideal 2nd Courier HQ. Get the
NUP from any quality board and get on!
Eastern HQ: The Elusive Dream-- The fastest overall board in the world.
'nuff said.
Western HQ: <looking, get back to me on it>
SITE UPDATES
Man, with all the shit that went on this month, it's time for an apology
to all the SWaT boards. I asked people to bear with me, and the warez went
dry for a few people. Sorry dudes, we'll roll again in a few hours. Stay
tuned, I might give you guys a discount next month...;)
I should address The Regulator sites that were in MALiCE. Sorry guys,
you're all out. We're just carrying the SWaT sites that were in The
Regulators. Maybe Denizen will help you, but then again, did he ever?
If you guys wanna be SWaT sites, I'll consider a discount and we'll talk.
COURIER UPDATES
All the Euros from The Regulators are coming to SWaT, since like I said,
we're holding the cards, if you catch my drift. All remaining couriers
carried over from The Regulators that were part of SWaT, please begin
uploading to your sites ASAP!
To all prospective SWaT couriers: if you are considering SWaT as a
courier group, please be serious about it. We need people that are
interested in getting and delivering fast warez. Positions will be limited
and preference will be given to those with Dual Standards. Download
SWATAPP.ZIP from any SWaT HQ board, fill out the proper form, and leave it
in mail to me somewhere...I'll get back to you within a couple of days..
While I'm at it, unless you're a huge courier, you don't get a member
board, courier board, or anything affiliated with SWaT if you are a courier
and run a board. If you want a site, you must talk to me about it and I'll
see what I can do.
MEMBERS
We have a few members that are willing to work hard. So far, it is
Der Schatten, White Rose, and Vapor. If you were a member of The Regulators
(MEMBER, not courier) and you think you can actively contribute to SWaT,
get in touch with me or Liquid Khaos and we will see what we can do. We need
people that are serious with helping with recruitment and zone management.
It is hard and involved work, but it pays off.
PICK OF THE MONTH
Warlords ][ has got to be the game so far. I know Pinball Dreams just came
out but this game has me hooked. It is a classic sequel to the great little
PC game that was out a couple of years ago. You pick between around 8-10
knights and fight against the computer or up to 8 human adversaries to
conquer lands and become the Warlord. You can set difficulty levels so that
your computer opponents start out stronger in the beginning.
The greatest feature is the choice of lands to conquer. You can play on
different fields, with unique races and warring knights. You control a house,
which has heroes in it. Your hero can go to different buildings, find allies,
receive blessings, or find magic items that aid in his/her quest to dethrone
the opponent.
Bored of the lands? Conquered them all? Just use the random realm generator
and create yourself a different land. Dictate how many hills, town, forests
and mountains you want and the computer will generate it for you.
This game is not to be passed up. It is small (2 disks), but very enjoyable.
If you like strategy games, you'll be hooked on this game for hours.
CONCLUSION: A REGULAR RIOT
This is the end of this month's SWaT newsletter. For a change, this one
came out mighty early, but I felt it was necessary to put it out now rather
than wait until the end of the month and keep everyone in the dark about what
has happened in the past couple of weeks. Next month's newsletter will cover
the sites and HQs more fully, and we hope to have a couple of little
follow-ups on the aftermath of all this. For now, SWaT rolls on bigger than
ever and now will gain steam move forward to bigger and better things. It
has been a memorable month and I hope that this newsletter has shed some light
on what exactly happened this month. Until next month, keep looking for us
on quality boards near you.
CyberChrist
[SWaT Forever]
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Greets and Grunts, Heighs and Hos:
Der Schatten: don't play poker with them cards..:)
Liquid Khaos: how long was YOUR article?? <g>
White Rose: Peace at last...:)..yeah, I kinda liked SWaT better too..
Disk Killer: I wish things could've worked out... maybe Mike can help now..
Potsie: I'm still gonna come and see you...:)
Snake: If we have less couriers, you still wanna come over? :)
Spaceman Spiff, The Cardinal, and Mega: Keep on rocking dudes, we're still
at the top..
Shadow Master: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk... HEY MOE! :)
IceMan: get some codes comma bitch!!
All The Regulator guys: it's not too late!! You can still join SWaT!
Denizen: Now you can run MALiCE again...
AT&T: Thanks for that conference service!! m0wahahahaha
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
This has been a SWaT presentation. If you wish to join SWaT and take part
in the best courier group ever, please contact download SWATAPP.ZIP and
fill out the proper forms. Then leave us a message on any quality boards
and we will get back in touch with you.
SWaT-- The final word in fastest warez
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```````````````````` "Fun Intro!" -by James Hetfield.
` Nihilism Monthly ' "Mogel and bF: read me!"
` ' "Nihilism is Realism today!"
` Issue #01 ' "Nihilism Trivia!"
` ' "Nihilist Cafe" ___ ` '
` ' "Why this issue sucks" __O_/ '
` | ` \\_ `
| | | \ '
| | | ___I___
/'`' | `'`\ `O'_ (_|o |_)
----- ------ / \\\ | |||
'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`
Well, to start things off, I'll begin by showing a little
chat I had with the sysop of The Land of Rape and Honey, Rattle. That
should clear a few things up about why this 'zine is going to exist.
JH> Ok. Kewl. Hi Rattle. I'm James Hetfield.
RA> yea?
JH> I got some lame news, I'm done with this new zine stuff.
RA> why?
JH> Because I'm trired of dealing with people with egos as big as mine. I
JH> don't think 3 of us could stand each other for too long. So I'm cutting
JH> out, a la pip the angry youth style.
RA> ugh.. i think ya shoudl at least stick w/ it for another few weeks/days..
RA> things will work out.. they have to.. they must..
JH> Nah, I realized something... there's a reason that this stuff isn't
JH> working, and that groups don't get GIGANTIC of overnight... beacause we're
JH> all dreamers... this entire new zine is a just a big dream of mogel's to
JH> 'finally show' cDc that that he's a someone.. it's an obsession almost...
JH> and I think it's a silly thing to try to do, considering cDc is 9 years
JH> older than this new zine will be.
RA> yea.. true.. so, what are you going to do then?
JH> Well, You're right now part of the big experiement... this entire convo is
JH> being capped... for the first issue of the mystery zine.. I don't know
JH> what it will be yet. I have an idea however. I'm going to start a zine
JH> that has one member; me. And I'm not going to allow submissions, unless
JH> they're about the zine or something I can easily play off of. I won't
JH> allow people in the group. It will be all mine. mine. haha. Sounds
JH> conceited, doesn't it? Well, I was thinking, what IS the point of text
JH> groups... to get the stuff to the public, right? Well, what is the point
JH> of having 1000 BAD submissions ALL of the time that never gets to the
JH> public anyway? It's kind of like "the rich stay rich and the poor stay
JH> poor" in that effect, no one ever gets better because they either give up
JH> (like many people in chicago did when they couldn't get in bigger groups
JH> like BLaH) or keep trying, which is their own spirit fighting against the
JH> odds. And that's what this new zine will be about. Me fighting against
JH> the odds. If I can keep it going, it should be pretty good, and it would
JH> be all mine, so I'd concstantly be writing and becoming a better author.
RA> capped? uhh.. fuck y0u? :P.. its not a bad idea.. i mean, as long
RA> as you keep writing.. i would have liked to see everyone (you, mog, bf,
RA> etc..) workign on one zine.. but if you feel you will do your best
RA> alone.. then do it.. who gives a fuck..
JH> That's what I think... and right now, this new zine has already become
JH> about missing deadlines, kind of like HoE was.. it's just a big pattern..
JH> I want to break that pattern before it's too late and I'm caught up in
JH> the scary pattern that east-coast zines seem to have (hoe, pez, etc)
JH> about not getting submissions, about not being happy with their zines,
JH> etc... At least if I don't like my zine I can blame it on myself instead
JH> of 'da scene'
RA> yea... you are going solo.. har har.. sounds like an ansi scene thing..
RA> :P <just kidding>.. uhh.. sure.. i wish you luck..
* * *
So, as you can easily see, I was feeling a big too annoyed and
way too political at the moment this 'zine found its creation. The name
of this 'zine was one of the ones suggested to Mogel and Black Francis for
'THE BIG PROJECT' zine that was denied. I really liked it, as you can
see. I feel it has a few layers to it, which every good name has. But,
more to that in an essay coming up. As for now, This 'zine consists of one
writers thoughts, ideas, and belefs. If you can't handle that, hey, don't
read it. But if you can, please enjoy.
'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`
This little area is directed mainly at Mogel and Black Francis,
but hey, anyone can read it, it's a free country afterall.
This 'zine was not created out of spite. This 'zine was created
for the main purpose of me to be able to spread my diseases and beliefs
about anything and everything. I was beginning to feel like 'THE BIG
PROJECT' being worked on was not fitting those needs of mine. I learned
long ago not to try to be like Swamp Rattle, or Guido Sanchez, or anyone,
to try to just be myself. It's hard enough to do that as it is. I will
continue on being the 'zine munching critic I always was and always will
be. And, I wish you both good luck on your newest creation, although
I have a feeling it will become a monster before it becomes a work of
art. I simply hope you can figure out a way to contain all the angst
pouring out from within yourselves. :)
Happy Trails, peace, love, and mangoes.
'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`
Let's take a little peek at the world we live in, shall we?
(peek-a-boo!)
In our beautifully capitalistic society, ANGST sells. Turn on MTV,
one of the biggest breeding grounds for ANGST in the country. A Soundgarden
video "Black Hole Sun" is on the screen. Blood is flowing through the sky.
Little dolls are being roasted over an open flame. And, of course, the
lead singer is standing there, wind in his hair, looking like a hero of
our times.
Where, exactly, did all this shit come from? Well, that's a little
complex. But, essentially, today's most popular art genres to rip off are
a combination of nihilism and absurdism.
Yes, I know you don't understand. That's why I'll go on.
Nihilism is the belief that there is "nothing to be done", to quote
a famous Samuel Beckett play. Throughout history, philosophers and artists
have strived to find the secrets of life and why things are the way they are.
This is why there are different genres of art. For instance, during the
industrial revolution, some people looked around and said "Gee, these
machines could destroy the world!". They tended to dream about the wonders
of nature and the evils of industrialization. They were called the
Romantics and the Transendentalists. Both of these genres were formed
because of a backlash against the world they lived in.
Similarly, in the modern age, we have lived in a world where
a few buttons could destroy mankind. In the midst of possible world
annihilation, two distinct and opposing beliefs formed; existentialism
and nihilism. Existentialism questions our existence, the whys, the
hows, and the whos. But more importantly, existentialism is based on the
belief that things CAN be helped and changed, though it make be unlikely.
Albert Camus, one of the most famous existentialists, was constantly
working for nazi resistence groups, printing underground newspapers, and
many other political activities that made him a strong impact on the
World War II era. His writings are dark, depressing, but they have a
message within them that mankind can save itself from itself.
Nihilism is almost a direct opposite from this. I do not know
exactly the beginnings of nihilism, it's probably been around in one form
or another since the dawn of time. Nihilism looks at the chances of world
destruction, and says "oh, I guess we're all going to die then". There
is no hope in nihilism. Nihilists usually are athiests. We live simply
because we exist. We need no goals, no aspirations, because we'll die
anyway. Those are the roots of nihilism.
Absurdism, mentioned previously, was started as a type of theatre
in the post WW][ era. Samuel Beckett, an irishman, was one of the first
and foremost absurdists. Eugene Ionesco is also an absurdist, although
most of his plays tend to make too much sense for me to consider it true
absurdism.
The most famous absurdist play, "Waiting for Godot" by Samuel
Beckett, is basically about two men who stand around the middle of nowhere
waiting for a guy named Godot. Many people believe this to simply mean God.
We wait around from a message from God all our lives, until we die. During
this time, we encounter strange people, such as the characters Pozzo and
Lucky, but otherwise we don't do much else.
The absurdism lies in the actuall dialogue between the two, however.
Half of the time it simple makes little to no sense. The idea behind this
is that it is actually more like real life; people do not always have
conversations about something. Most of the time we just open and close our
mouths and sounds come out that don't really form concepts or beliefs.
Anyway, back to the 90s. Bands, such as Soundgarden, use the
visual absurdism of their videos to produce a lasting effect on the mind.
The videos fly from one thing to another, each sight one that would not
be seen as usual or natural. Each a disgusting representation of normal
day life.
The nihilism in modern alternative music is equally representative.
Very few songs are about how life is shiny and bright. Which is fine, not
all of life is a big fun time. But most alternative music takes it a little
too far. Take Nine Inch Nails, the perfect example. "God is Dead /
And no one cares / if there is a hell / I'll see you there!" are lyrics
of a song (Heresy) which are quoted often. There is absolutely no
explanation behind them, they're just SCREAMED into your face between
loud and obnoxious industrial riffs and drum beats.
The point I'm trying to make is that most alternative songs these
days do not tell an entire story. "You're gonna have to hold on" said
one hundred times in a song isn't telling a story through music. It's just
words. Now, there are a few exceptions. I'd say Tori Amos does an
excellent job of telling a story through her music. Soul Asylum, on
occasion, does this as well. Most bands, however, Do not fulfill this
qualification if they're trying to say something with their music.
Saying "More human than human" twelve-thousand times in a song isn't
a message. It's a catchy phrase being thrown at someone without analysis,
without thought. It's just as bad as 1950s teeny bopper music in that
respect. "Breaking up is hard to do" tells me about as much as most
Offspring songs do. There really isn't art in it.
Just like nihilism, alternative music does not look at all signs
of a coin. Both of them tend to have a message that there's nothing we
can do to save ourselves. But they do not REALLY look at what they are
observing, otherwise they'd understand differently.
'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`
Nihilism Trivia time!
See if you can answer these questions about Nihilism Quarterly!
1) If you saw a beautiful girl being raped on the street, what would you do?
a) I'd find help for her quick! Call the police!
b) I'd try to help her out myself, knowing the police wouldn't get
there in time.
c) I would try to understand what could make our world the place
it had become, and try to better myself because of my new
knowledge.
d) nothing. maybe I'd watch. who cares.
2) What do you think about the brady bill?
a) it's a horrible idea. I belong to the NRA, and I believe
it is an enfringment of my rights.
b) I think it's a good idea. It stops people from getting guns
fast. It might stop many murders that happen because of quickly
purchased firearms.
c) who cares.
3) What is your favorite color?
a) Green. Because I love the color of life.
b) Red. Because I love the color of chaos.
c) White. Because it is the color of purity.
d) Black. Because it will be what we only see when we die.
Nothingness. Emptyness. Blackness.
4) What is your favorite type of music?
a) Classical, because it takes forethought to create and it's
beautiful to hear all those instraments in unison.
b) Rythym and Blues, because I like to hear guys talking about
fucking girls all the time.
c) I don't care. whatever is most popular. And loudest.
5) If you ruled the country, what would you goal be?
a) Educate the masses
b) Save the environment
c) Shelter the homeless
d) nothing. who cares. they're all thieves anyway.
And.. Finally... EXTRA CREDIT to the one that Guesses correctly on this one!
6) What are all the little ascii drawings on the top header of this 'zine?
Can you guess what the one on the far left is supposed to be?
Any internesting, half-right answers will be posted in the 'zine at a later
issue and time.
'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`
The waitress brought my cup of coffee and a small piece of
cheesecake. The cheesecake looked as if it had been sitting out for days,
as usual. I didn't say anything, however. What good would it do?
"Anything else?" She asked. She didn't seem too interested if
I wanted anything else. She probably just asked because she has to. It's
her job. She doesn't really care, she just wants a big tip. So she can
go home to her small apartment with her small boyfriend and live out the
rest of her life miserable. The dream we all live out.
"No thanks." I mutter out, as I dig my fork into the cheesecake.
It's fairly hard, unlike fresh cheesecake, which is soft and buttery.
A woman walks into the cafe and sits asks if she can sit down
next to me. I say sure, I don't care. She takes the seat and throws
herself into the novel she's reading. Some book by Hemmingway.
The waitress comes and asks if she wants something. She asks
if the cheesecake is any good. Of course it's not, but I'm not going
to bother to say anything. It wouldn't help anyone. Let her figure that
out herself. She orders some. The waitress tells her it will just be
a minute, and walks off.
The woman asks me if I come here often. Occasionally, I say.
I don't bother telling her I come here everyday for the horrible cheesecake.
She wouldn't understand anyway.
She starts poking at her cheesecake after the first bite, because
it tastes so bad. She doesn't seem to want to put any more in her mouth.
She looks up at me and asks what I do for a living. I write, I tell her.
I'm not about to go into how I'm a journalist, it would probably bore her
to death. And me.
What do I write about, she asks. The world, I tell her. It's a
simple answer, hopefully she won't ask anymore. How's it looking, she
asks. Fine, I say. She smiles. I guess she believed me. Oh well. I'm
not about to explain to her why we live in a ceaspool.
"Would you be interested in going back to my place? I live close
to hear...". She wants to know if I'll go sleep with her. I barely even
know her. She probably has diseases or something. "I can't." I tell
her. Maybe that will quiet her up.
"Oh... all right..." she says, and says a goodbye or two, and
leaves. I finally get some time to myself. I finish up my coffee, and
get ready to leave. The cafe is almost empty. That woman could have
sat anywhere, but instead she decided to invade my space. Oh well.
It doesn't matter anyway. It's over and done with. I pay my bill,
and leave the cafe, knowing that I'll be back tomorrow to deal with
the same type of people, always wanted to speak with me for some
reason.
'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`
There are many reasons this issue sucks, I'm just going to mention
a few. First off, it was written in one night. This is because I wanted
to get out the information as fast as possible, so people know what is
going on. Secondly, I wasn't feeling exceptionally creative. The future
issues should have a lot more creativity in them, as well as much more
time put into them. I expect to get about one of these out every two weeks,
give or take 13 days. So, expect to be seeing a lot more from me, whether
you like it or not. Finally, the issues to come will not be so
stereotypically 'nihilistic' like 'nihilist cafe' was... They will have
actually in-depth creative writing in them, as well as editorial comments
and critiques.
But, for now, here's the beginning of, if not a legacy, an end to my
udder boredom.
'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`
Nihilism Monthly 4.00 Copyright (c) 1995 James Hetfield.
Nihilism is NOT FREE. It is a Shareware product and you MUST REGISTER this
text copy after the 30-day evaluation period. You will receive the
registration zine with the latest version on it. The registration
number will remove this ending screen of the current and future versions.
With your VISA/MasterCard, call 1-708-251-5049
'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`
Another Bad James Hetfield Creation `'` Issue 01 '`' 18313 bytes

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<20><> Ĵ<><C4B4><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ĵ<EFBFBD><C4B4><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20>Ŀ
<20><> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20>
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<20> Ĵ<> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20>
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<20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20>
<20><> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>۲<EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> mci
<20> <20><><EFBFBD>۲<EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>۲<EFBFBD> <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
negative <20><><EFBFBD>۲<EFBFBD> <20> multiplicative <20><><EFBFBD>۲<EFBFBD> <20> inverse
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ĵ issue one <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20> Ĵ<> <20>
"Why try holding back the wave? You'll only drown in the changes.
You've got to learn to let go.
Just let go and experience the flight.
Try to see from a different side.
If balance is the key, maybe we'll
see a future understanding."
- Queensryche
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20> Ĵ<> <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ڳ<EFBFBD> ڿ ڿڿ ڿڿڳ<DABF><DAB3><EFBFBD>Ŀڳ<C4BF><DAB3><EFBFBD>ڿ
<20> <20> <20> <20> <20><> <20><> <20> <20><>ô<EFBFBD> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20>ٳ<EFBFBD> <20> <20><> <20><> <20><> <20> <20> <20> <20>
<20> <20> ij<><C4B3><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20><> <20> <20><>ij <20>
: :
+ the editorial: wacky-ass 'zine boy, by belial
+ angst is the flavor, by belial
+ play that funky techno beat, by mindcrime
+ household man: superhero, by mindcrime
+ the end: people suck, by mindcrime
+ members, contact, legal information, chick's fone numbers.
<20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20>
ڿ<>¿<EFBFBD>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> ٳ<> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20> Ĵ<> <20>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> negative multiplicative inverse <20> Ĵ<> <20>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20> the editorial <20> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
޲<>:<3A> wacky-ass 'zine boy, by belial <20>:޲<>
<20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20>߱
<20> <20>
Don't touch my turkey, little bitch! Did you ever
look in a mirror and wonder what it's thinking about you?
No?
Why not? I bet when you look in the mirror,
it's saying, "Damn, fat thing, get
your chunks outta here!"
Well, then again, maybe it's
just a mirror and it really doesn't think or say anything.
But you have to admit, it would be
pretty damn cool!
All right! Throw your parent's in the air and wave 'em
like you just don't care! This is the
e'zine of the century!
Secret Agent Edicius on the scene:
Huzzah! Edi's tounge is a little tied up on some
stupid slinky that he's swinging around.
What a DORK!
Back to the office:
This here thing that you're reading is, like, a
brand GNU e'zine! And it is indeed most phearsome. So, buckle in
your fruitloops backback and
get ready for some heavy duty
food slingin'.
It's me (Belial), and it's him (Mindcrime), and it's
that other circus freak (Edicius).
We're funny! Laugh!
(NO! I THINK WE FUCKING SUCK!)
AnyWAY, here we are... and it's
pretty cool if you ask me.
HEY! Get that
pudding out of your mouth! What do you think
this is?!
The aliens are coming for you, man! Send us all your
money and stuff and we'll kind of rough up the
aliens to get off your
back-- for a price, of course, though. What
do you think we are?
We're capitalists, damnit! Wait, we're communists, too!
Swimming in a pool of
conformity, baby! Strap your swimmies on,
and lets go! This is it! This IS
THE definative 'zine, milky! Here it is, here we
are!
We're Negative Multiplicative Inverse!
-- Belial [1/2 Editor]
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> end of article <20><><EFBFBD> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> Ĵ<> <20>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> negative multiplicative inverse <20> Ĵ<> <20>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20> article number: one <20> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
޲<>:<3A> angst is the flavor, by belial <20>:޲<>
<20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20>߱
<20> <20>
I have so much angst! I'm an over-depressed
teenager! My life sucks, my parents suck, everything
sucks!
I'm going to end it all! I just can't deal with
it anymore!
I can't stand school! It's
repressing my art! I don't have room to expand!
I'm quitting!
I can't stand girls! I can't
pick any up! I'm such a stain!
God END this life for me!
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> end of article <20><><EFBFBD> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> Ĵ<> <20>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> negative multiplicative inverse <20> Ĵ<> <20>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20> article number: two <20> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
޲<>:<3A> play that funky techno beat, by mindcrime <20>:޲<>
<20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20>߱
<20> <20>
oons oons oons oons oons WEEP WOP oons WEEP WOP oons
WEEP WEEP WOP oons oons WEEP WEEP WOP oons wEEEEEEEEOWWWWWWWWWWW oons
oons oons oons.
techno in my soul, beotch!
did you ever find yourself moving to
a non-existant beat on a bus full of convicts on
you're way to the penitentiary? me niether,
but i bet if you ever did, all
the mean people would stare.
which brings me to an interesting topic!
have you ever stared at someone (perhaps a
h0T g0TH gRRL) so long that she started to fidget and
get nervous, and then
she gets up and runs out of the room
screaming? grey hawk does it all the time.
he's a stalker.
-<2D> ode to grey hawk, the stalker -<2D>
grey hawk, yeah, he likes to stalk,
the women he follows hasten their walk
and every time he catches up,
the police have to use their big white chalk.
he's a stalker, an axe murderer, and a poet,
the women say no but he likes to show it.
sometimes he tries to be sincere and kind,
but somehow always manages to blow it.
he drives a suave car and plays lots of techno,
he's tried the direct approach, but the women say "heck no!"
poor grey hawk, what a misguided soul,
he stalks all day, and when he'll stop does nobody k-know.
heh.. RHYMING SUCKS!
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> end of article <20><><EFBFBD> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> Ĵ<> <20>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> negative multiplicative inverse <20> Ĵ<> <20>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20> article number: three <20> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
޲<>:<3A> household man: superhero, by mindcrime <20>:޲<>
<20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20>߱
<20> <20>
you know what would be cool? if they made a
superhero who just used everyday appliances to
defend the world against the
evil realms. he could give the enemies some
scissors, and then run away, and when they chased
after him, they'd fall and gouge
themselves on the scissors.
he could have a portable microwave,
and he'd put the enemies' heads in it and turn it on full blast. their
brain would fry up, so not only would he have succeeded in
defeating
the
enemy,
he would also have breakfast.
i think these comic book writers think too hard
about things. superheros
aren't hard to come up with. dumbasses.
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> end of article <20><><EFBFBD> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> Ĵ<> <20>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> negative multiplicative inverse <20> Ĵ<> <20>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20> the end <20> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
޲<>:<3A> people suck, by mindcrime <20>:޲<>
<20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20>߱
<20> <20>
did you ever start a new 'zine with the hope
that all your friends would think it
was cool and would contribute and it would be one biggy,
happy comedy fest?
i did yesterday, and no one lifted a finger to help except the
poor soul that happened to be in
the room with me.
i chained him to my desk and told
him to write or i'd kill off
his family. i guess no one does
anything on this planet anymore unless you
make them.
by the way, phear the blade nation. we're taking over
this god-forsaken planet. earth
is a thing of the past. 2k is coming, and when it does,
the blade nation will own you.
so anyway, that's our 'zine. we're going to put this
thing out like superman all hopped up on jolt(tm).
thousands upon thousands of issues will pile
up on my hard drive, and you will all phear our
lack of lives. never underestimate the
power of a bored computer geek.
ڿ<>¿<EFBFBD>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> ٳ<> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ĵ end issue one <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20> Ĵ<> <20>
negative multiplicative inverse:
mindcrime - founder, editor, layout, design, artwork
belial - editor, justification scheming
edicius - used to be an editor, but we alienated him and made
fun of him so he quit and now
he's just a dork.
dimes - was told to be a writer,
but was too busy, so now he's just a lamer.
grey hawk - was also told to be a writer, but was
too busy playing his new warez. so now
he's just a stalker with no social life.
<20> <20> <20> <20>-<2D> contact: mike@exit109.com, marc@netlabs.net
<20>
:
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20><>ڿĿ<DABF><C4BF><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ<EFBFBD>Ŀ<EFBFBD><C4BF><EFBFBD>³<EFBFBD><C2B3><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ڿ<EFBFBD> <20>ڿ<EFBFBD><DABF><EFBFBD>Ŀ<EFBFBD>Ŀ<EFBFBD>-<2D>¿<EFBFBD><C2BF>ĿڿڿĿ<DABF><C4BF> <20> Ĵ<> <20>
<20><><EFBFBD>ٳ<EFBFBD><D9B3><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ó<EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ó<EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>óٳ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ijij<C4B3><C4B3><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ij<EFBFBD><C4B3><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ijij<C4B3><C4B3><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ٳ<EFBFBD>ij<EFBFBD><C4B3>
<20>
negative multiplicative inverse is copyright (c) 1996 surreality enterpises
distribution of this magazine is allowed, and indeed encouraged,
provided it is copied in it's entirety. no single part of this magazine
may be duplicated without the expressed, written consent of surreality
enterprises and the author of said part.
ڿ<>¿<EFBFBD>
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>From the desk of:
S t e v e n E B a k e r
Editor of:
_____ _ ___ _ _
|_ _| |__ ___ |_ _|_ __ | |_ ___ _ __ _ __ ___| |_
| | | '_ \ / _ \ | || '_ \| __/ _ \ '__| '_ \ / _ \ __|
| | | | | | __/ | || | | | || __/ | | | | | __/ |_
|_| |_| |_|\___| |___|_| |_|\__\___|_| |_| |_|\___|\__|
___ __
|_ _|_ __ / _| ___ _ __ _ __ ___ ___ _ __
| || '_ \| |_ / _ \| '__| '_ ` _ \ / _ \ '__|
| || | | | _| (_) | | | | | | | | __/ |
|___|_| |_|_| \___/|_| |_| |_| |_|\___|_|
Public Announcement
October 8th, 1994
"The Mailing List Problem"
1.1 : The Good News First
I made a promise to myself and a lot of other people that the
first issue of The Internet Informer would be delivered to each and
every subscriber before the 1st of October (the official release
date). On the evening of September 30th, 1994 I went through my
normal routine of preparing for the graveyard shift at the chemical
plant I work at. The only deviation from my established routine
was just before I left my home, I walked into my office and booted
up the ole' 486. I called my Internet access provider and sent a
rather lengthy message (The Internet Informer October 1994) to a
computer at North Carolina State University. That computer was
running Majordomo software and it accepted my email with open arms,
sending exact copies to all of the people that had subscribed to my
magazine. Within a few hours the first issue of The Internet
Informer had been distributed all over the world.
The next morning my mailbox was full of email messages from
happy and unhappy readers (you will see most of the interesting
ones in the December issue) who had finished reading it. The
number of subscription requests skyrocketed to around 200 a day and
I enthusiastically sent sample issues to all who had requested it.
These events kept unfolding everyday as I scanned my mailbox after
work until Wednesday, October 5th.
Around 5am in the morning my pregnant wife Tiffany went into
labor with our first child. We left for the hospital and we stayed
there until the evening of October 7th, Friday. I am happy to
report we are the proud new parents of Brooke Savannah Baker --
a happy, healthy child of 7 pounds and a full head of hair. My
wife did well, but had to go on special medication to offset her
blood pressure rise. I stayed by her bed and read magazines and
books on the Internet between holding my new daughter and sleeping.
In seven days I had moved into a new house, published an
electronic newsletter, and coached my wife through her breathing
cycles as our daughter was being delivered. As draining as those
events are, I still managed to check my email when I got home
Friday evening.
1.2 : Then the Bad News
Basically, The Internet Informer grew too fast too quick.
Problems arose with a small percentage of the new subscribers --
some of the addresses were not working well with the mailing
program. The mailing list grew extraordinarily fast and
NCSU-Internet staff members became alarmed. The system
administrator pulled the plug on the entire list and sent me a
quick note in the mail telling me and my ever-growing mailing list
goodbye. I have a partial record of the people who currently were
interested in subscribing, and a lot of people writing me
personally asking why my listserv doesn't work. The night before
Tiffany went into labor I had hit a few Usenet Newsgroups with
posts detailing how to subscribe to my magazine. Great timing,
wouldn't you say?
I am left without an efficient means of distributing my free
magazine, other than manually mailing it to everyone.
Disappointing as this is to me, I will still publish the Informer.
I just have to adjust my methods a little, and hope for the best.
I do not want to sound like a self-help book, but life is a series
of changes and how well you adapt to those changed is related to
how well you do in life. With that philosophy driving me, I came
up with an idea.
1.3 : More Good News
I am encouraged by the number of people that have sent in their
donations, and would like to thank each and every one of you for
doing so. The only reason I ask for donations is so that I can pay
the writers. That's it. In fact, I have a standing offer to
distribute my magazine for $100 down, and $17.00 per 1,000
subscribers per issue and I refuse to consider it. If I get a few
hundred dollars in the mail, I will pay the writers what they are
worth. With over twenty writers hacking at this newsletter, $1,000
in donations means $50 to each writer. I assure you I am no where
near $1,000 in donations, so think about that when you see how
much effort went into these articles. In order to serve the
people who took the time to donate to this project and support the
writers I have made some adjustments to subscription
qualifications. The new guidelines are as follows:
[1] Only donating readers will be included on the new mailing
list. Donations can be of any amount -- no minimum,
maximum, or donation frequency requirements.
[2] The Internet Informer, being a free publication, will
still be available on Alt.Zines, FTP aql.gatech.edu, and
various other places around the Net/Usenet and BBS/Online
world.
[3] Individual back issues (October 1994) can be requested by
mailing me at StevenBaker@Delphi.Com with the month in the
subject line.
Donating readers will get the current issue about a week or so
before it is available elsewhere.
Donations should be mailed to:
____ ____
Make Checks { )-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-( }
Payable To The | : : |
Editor: : | The Internet Informer | :
| : P.O. Box 262 : |
Steven : | Hitchcock, Texas | :
Baker | : 77563 : |
: | | :
{____)-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-(____}
1.4 : Business as Usual!
The December issue is in the works, with a few changes, a few
additions, and a few deletions. Charles Deemer (Wild,Wild,Web!)
has left the ranks to pursue a higher paying position and I am
replacing him with a more technical column about Information
Brokering and the Internet. Not many people are interested in
America Online and Compuserve columns, so they might fade away.
People want to know how to use the Internet for work and play --
not the user friendly online services. You will also see changes
in the ascii graphics and the overall layout -- all from reader
suggestion.
I apologize about the change in the subscription methods, and
I hope to see you on the list. I depend on many people to make
this thing work, the writers, the readers, and our supportive
friends. Thank you for your interest and your support. Look for
us in December!
See you on the Net,
Steven E Baker (Dad)

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PUBLIC ENEMA PRODUCTIONS!!!!
ISSUE #1
By A. Nonomous
"This world needs an enema, and we're just the men to do it"
Disclaimer: I don't reccomend using the techniches described in this doc, so
don't come crying to me if you get caught. This information is presented for
INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY by way of the first ammendment("BoB" bless
America). Besides, we KNOW you would never use any of this...
TABLE OF CONTENTS!!!
1-INTRODUCTION
2-HACKING PEPSI MACHINES
3-FREE NATIONAL SPORTSPAPER
4-FREE PHONE CALLS FROM LONG'S DRUGS
5-SODOMY BOXING
6-CONCLUSION
Chapter 1-Introduction
Howdy for the information of the Public Enema anarchist group. This is my
first electronic publication, but not the first phile that I've written and
distributed. It's gonna be kinda' weak at first because I'm the only one
gathering information and writing articles. Hopefully, other people will join
in soon. Look for me(A. Nonomous/The Hare Krishna) on the bay area scene,
mostly east bay if you want to contribute. Well, hope you like it...
CHAPTER 2-STOP THE pEpSi CONSPIRACY!!!!!
Caffine is in Pepsi. Caffine is a drug. Drugs are evil(so sez George). So,
by the substitution postulate(I have been paying attention in class!!!)
Pepsi=evil. Right???? So is it wrong to steal money from drug dealers??? I
didn't think so...
MATERIALS:
-A guy that's pretty skinny
-A knife
THAT'S IT!!!
OK... First, you have to know where to look. On the bottom right side of
the machine there is a little hole. It's located above the base but below the
hinges.
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۰<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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The next step is the hardest part. Reach into the hole and reach up as far as
you can. You should feel a vinyl bag. You're going to want to pull this out.
THIS IS NOT EASY!!! Be patient. If you work long enuff, it will come. It helps
to be skinny(like me)... It might even help to use fishing hooks or some other
device to get it out easier, but I'm not sure. Once it's out, all you have to
do is chop it open. This is also not easy. My personal preference is to light
the bag on fire and melt it a little. This is also kinda' fun. There's nothing
like watching a Pepsi machine spew smoke. I know at my school I've made $110
in one night off of 2 machines without any effort at all.
On the newer machines, that have the coolin' picture on the front, it's
super easy to get free pepsis(but I'm not sure about the money). Just open the
flap that the cans come out of and feel around. Usually there are a couple of
six packs there for storage. Pull them out of the plastic rings and you're set.
Now, you may ask, doesn't this sound too good to be true??? IT'S ALL
TRUE!!! That's the incredible part. BTW-This techniche doesn't work on the
older machines, just the ones with bubbled fronts and/or chillin' pictures on
the front.
*NOTE* THIS MAY NOT WORK ON SOME MACHINES! YOU HAVE TO LOOK AROUND FOR ONES
THAT WILL WORK...
CHAPTER 3-FREE SPORTS PAPER
Why you would want this piece of shit paper is beyond me, but hey, for
free, why not??? For those of you that have NO idea what I'm talking about,
the NATIONAL is a weekly sports newspaper that's distrubed by way of newspaper
boxes. These boxes can be found out front of convience stores, BART stations,
supermarkets, and on various street corners. Anyway, if you look under the
box, you'll find a little slit. Reach in a pull out a paper. It's really that
easy. Free papers in seconds!!!
*NOTE* THIS ALSO MAY WORK ON OTHER NEWSPAPER VENDING MACHINES! I'VE NOTICED
THAT THE LA TIMES HAS THE SAME SET UP...
CHAPTER 4-FREE PHONE CALLS FROM LONG'S DRUGS
This is an easy/stoopid way of calling people for free from the Payfones
outside Long's drugs. It may or may not work on other
independently-owned(ie:non PacBell) payfones. It's easy... Just call a 1-800
number, tell them you got the wrong number, and wait for them to hang up.
After a short period of time, you will get a dial tone again. PRESTO! Call
away! If it doesn't work, then sorry, no free call.... bummer dude. It's
always worked for me though...
CHAPTER 5-SODOMY BOXING
OK, I know this sounds wierd at first, but I couldn't think of a better
name. It's to "GET THE PHONE COMPANY UP THE BUTT!!!!"... It's actually a super
easy way to get free calls from Northern California(or at least my area)...
Ok, what it is is very simple...
When PacBell adds another line, they put a grey box somewhere on the side
of your house. Open this box(with a screwdriver) and "PRAISE 'BOB'!!!!" it's a
phone jack. Everythings provided for... All you need is your own phone and off
you go!!! This is great for calling 976/900 numbers and calling phriends
that're FAR, FAR away. You could even bring a laptop along if you felt like
it...
*NOTE* DON'T DO THIS ON YOUR OWN HOUSE!!!!(DUH...)
CHAPTER 6-CONCLUSION
Welp, I hope you like this issue of the Public Enema Electronic 'Zine...
I was originally going to put a picture of J.R. 'BoB' Dobbs in here, but it
didn't fit...Hopefully everthing else came out ok... SEEYA!!!
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
Another file downloaded from: The NIRVANAnet(tm) Seven
& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Taipan Enigma 510/935-5845
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408/363-9766
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 510/527-1662
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 801/278-2699
The New Dork Sublime Biffnix 415/864-DORK
The Shrine Rif Raf 206/794-6674
Planet Mirth Simon Jester 510/786-6560
"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X

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P h a r c e
. . - ishue numbah wun - . .
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
. _\|I N T R O|/_ .
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"465 lines of pure aerosol cheese"
I've come to the conclusion that the only people on this Earth
that are really themselves are certifiably insane, i am among them, and
chances are, you are too. so sit back, and wriggle around in your
straight-jacket until you get comfortable, and don't let the buckle
press against the growth on your back that looks oddly like another
head. to read this zine, you really have to be open minded. i know
people always preach that their zine is different, so, just to be
different, i won't, instead i'll send you subliminal messages.
question that i get asked a lot is "what is pharce about", and,
after a perplexed few seconds, i came up with a decent answer.
"pharce is like the dictionary, it's about everything and nothing
at the same time". but i think it's good, and i have some talented
writers and artists working on this thing... that is, if they'd
ever turn their work IN... anyway, this first issue is chocked
full o' some tasty morsels, and i think you'll enjoy reading it,
and if you don't, try velcroing yourself to the ceiling naked and
upside down, you'll look at it in a completely different way.
=------------------------------------------------------------------------=
_\| -.-Pharce News-.- |/_
=------------------------------------------------------------------------=
Pharce NEWS!? how can pharce have news when pharce itself is new!?
well, pharce isn't really new. i thought up the concept in the beginning
of the summer, started coding the viewer (which will be out as soon as
i fix my computer), and when my computer got fried, i kinda had to
start again. shit happens, eh? just seems to happen to me more often
than not.
Well, most of this zine so far was done a while back but due to the complete
laziness of myself, i never finished/released it. but now we have the
backing of the talent in Mortal, so that gave me a bit of a kick in the
ass.
As with any zine though, we are starting at the lowest rung of the ladder,
and we must painfully, and through much criticism, work our way to the
top, so if you have anything you want to say, mail your suggestions to
me (traq) at milletcd@wilkes.edu, or elendil.
)( --BUTT KISSING SECTION-- )(
Special thanks to elendil also for facilitating me with the means to get this
zine back and going. this issue may not be as full as future issues are
going to be, but it's out.
number lines title by whom type
---.----------------.-----------------.-----------------------.------------
I. 14-36 Intro traq
II. 38-98 pharce news traq
1. 114-202 Nobody God traq short
2. 166-218 Acidic Society drastik po3m
3. 224-288 escape lethe editorial
4. 292-373 Poem Colly traq -----
5. 377-432 The Time of Seeing traq parable
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
. _\| nobody god |/_ .
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
he knew he had power, he knew he had control of the ill-tempered,
mindless beings that strode through the dank hallways of his suburban
high school. the same mindless that would laugh and taunt him, and throw
hard chewed pieces of candy in his hair, and push him into the flailing
arms of the cute little girl he liked, only for him to look back down at
the floor, and mutter a pitiful apology, and curse. he knew they'd get
their own, in the end... in the end.
they called him robbie, when they bothered at all to use his name.
even the teachers sometimes didn't know his name, but that all didn't
matter to them. he was not there. they would go on teaching their class,
and never would they cast a curious eye on him and think to ask robbie if
he knew the answer. of course he did, he knew all the answers, but they
didn't know that. they didn't know anything. even the smart ones knew
nothing, they knew less than all because they were the least willing to
admit they knew nothing. robbie knew they knew nothing because he knew
everything, and that was everything more than they would ever learn.
robbie knew that one cannot see when one's eyes are sewn shut, humanity
the seamstress, and humility the chosen fiber.
robbie observed. he understood that no one worshipped him any
longer, and thus they had reached the pinnacle of what they were capable
of. even the ones that made a life out of superstitious prayers and
rhymed garble, and ritual and bowing and nodding and t.v. evangelism,
they who claimed to devote their life to robbie, they didn't see him
really. they saw the idea of robbie, but robbie at one time would bother
to stand and say "i am here! i am robbie!" and they would push him
aside. robbie didn't have beams of life-light beaming from his
eye-sockets, that hurt too much. he didn't descend from the heavens.
robbie didn't even know what the heavens were, beyond a figment of a
desperate people's fantasy salvation. robbie lived on 53rd and Broadway,
not on a throne in some dirty, smoggy cloud somewhere. his apartment
wasn't even that nice, full of bad ideas, and lost causes.
robbie built. robbie was good with his hands and built things in
in his own likeness. another thing that puzzled robbie was that people
knew this, that robbie made things that bore resemblance to him, to his
pimply face and underdeveloped calves, thick glasses and a head that
just seemed like it couldn't fit more than a ten minute lecture on
ideology in it without busting, yet people still expected robbie to be
shiny and big. a couple people once thought that he threw thunderbolts.
people watch too much t.v. robbie sat and molded his clay and thought.
he thought about things he had done wrong. it was a dreadful thing.
robbie was only human, what did he expect? he knew all that one could
know, yet still he made mistakes. he thought this intolerable that of
all people to be a screw-up, he was the big-daddy of em' all.
the wind whistled through robbie's mop hair-do, and crept down the
shroud he wore, making him shiver slightly. still he climbed ever further
up the ladder, and when he got to the top of the building, he threw
himself over the final rung, stumbled a bit, very ungracefully... he
fruitlessly regained his composure, stepped to the edge where he peered
upon creation in all its unglory. the people looked liked ants from up
here, he thought. he hated that expression, it was one of the little
flaws of mankind to make silly cliches like that. robbie knew them all.
robbie knew all the ants, that's all they were, ants. but robbie knew
them. he knew he was supposed to love them all, they expected nothing
less, but he found this the most difficult part of his job. he spit
and a big glob landed on a pedestrian's head. he looked up but saw
nothing, and kept walking, fusterated and wildly wiping his bald head
in disgust. rain.
robbie thought about what would happen to these 'ants' if he jumped.
would they simply cease to exist? would they go on living with only a
superficial metaphorical theological bruise? would they know that now
death for them would be the end-all, not the see-all, a simple stutter
in the loop of life. would they continue to stand in front of their
idles, their symbols and icons, their crosses and buddha's, and ask
robbie to forgive them for the shit they did. would the 'believers'
cry and fall to their knees? No. No, they would not. behind their
clouded ideas of existence, and territorialism and materialism, they
would not miss robbie. robbie would not go on to something more like
they all thought they would. robbie would simply not be there any
longer, and the street-sweeper would wash away the mess on the sidewalk,
and the starving undomesticated animals would feed on the rest, and then
go home and watch their talk shows. an old wizened man, sitting in his
old broken chair, would open the paper, and see a small article, buried
among the small articles, and maybe he would shed a single tear, a tear
which would be remains of an old, broken idea.
robbie hit the ground with a thud.
. . . .traq. . . .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Acidic Society -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life is such a mystery
Everyone just plays the game
of life. Everyone falls prey
to society's fucked-up rules.
Competition between the social
classes :AKA: Levels of life ....
True Immortality is being able
to sit back and watch with a grin
as everyone role-plays in reality.
But what is reality? You'll never
know until you reach the level
where the game is no longer a game
but a never-ending maze. Humans are
just pawns, pawns in a sub-reality
of reality. And it starts over..
There is really no end to the maze..
The only real end to the maze of life
is death itself. But what is death?
It could just be the beginning of the
fucked up labyrinth of life AGAIN!.
Societies fucked up rules keep most
souls trapped in the labyrinth of life,
One big war with each other for nothing
What do you get for falling victim to
the game?,.. Nothing but reality. Once
you no longer fall prey to the scouring
vultures of society, you finally understand
life. Inner peace and harmony are the most
important things there is in reality. But
reality is only an illusion until you reach
a level where you can understand and not
understand the same thing. Reality itself is
a illusion ... A hall of mirrors, just waiting
to be thrashed by the one rock that destroys
all peace and harmony, And once that Hall of
Reality is smashed, .... another one takes its
place, ... to complete the circle of life. I am
truly immortal for being able to sit on that
"higher plane" and watch as the pawns fight to
get out of the maze first, The social war begins
...... Yet I am also a victim for playing "a" role
in the fake sub-reality of social life.........
The End
Composed on 800mics ( 4 hits ) of LSD
By : NeuroManceR ( IRC: Drastik )
eBoLA / Pharce | prez / writer
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
.<2E><><EFBFBD>. escape .<2E><><EFBFBD>.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
we are, as a generation, the first really unique group of young people
since the 60's. the 60's were dominated by sex, drugs, rock and roll, and
some other cliche's, and i can't help wondering how that came about,
considering that we are seemingly heading in the same direction. in the 60's,
probably the dominating influence on young people's attitudes was vietnam, a
shitty war (don't get pissed off at me if your daddy fought there) that we
ultimately ended up "losing" the point is, during this whole shit-eating era,
the kids were getting shipped off to get killed in some foreign country, and
that pissed us off. so, in a desperate attempt to show everyone else that
they were opposed to the whole idea, they all became rebels and began smoking
oregano and wearing bell-bottoms <g> neato, and when the war ended, the real
end came when disco and leisure suits came into fashion <g> <g>. anyway,
we're in the nineties now, duh, but were in the same situation. everyone
seems to be on some rebellion or another. rebellion against their parents,
against each other, against their government. if any generation was capable
of anarchy, it'd be ours. everyone, EVERY single fuqnut i know smokes weed
up the ass like there's no tomorrow, and feels he's trying to prove something,
along with the occasional beer party on friday night, followed by the
customary hangover on sat. warded off by a hit on the ol' glass 4' bong.
everywhere you turn there's someone dousing their problems with something.
some kiddie here dies last year sniffing WD40. wtf is that!? and i live in
the boonies, i can't imagine what's happening elsewhere. kids trying to get
high sniffin' each other's assholes? could be, never rule that kinda thing
out. so, what's at the heart of the matter? why are we all slowly wasting
away? is this just a cycle that recurs every once in a while. a little bit
of God saying "stop fucking up so much, or it'll be worse next time"? nah,
that's the easy approach for religous fanatics, psychiatrists, and Bill
Richard Dick Clinton. only we know what's wrong, and if you don't know, i'll
let you in on the secret... life as we know it SUX. all the conservative
bureaucrat have poisoned our society with a bug they farted out called
"every-man, woman, and child-for-yourself" scary? i think it is, and i'm
willing to bet it gives you all the willies too. so what are we doing about
it? i mean, that is the logical thing to do, right? solve the problem.
nah, we're too lazy. not just you, me too. i see these little commercials
on the tele that say bullshit like "don't do drugs, be a teacher, murder is
bad, help your community, blah blah blah..." and i get a good laugh.
it just doesn't happen that way. instead, we flip the station, and get high
with captain kangaroo and sat. morning cartoons. what are WE DOING? we are
escaping. it's the EASY way out, and it's the path of least resistance.
no one gives a shit about us, they really don't. i think adults today are
just going to live to be 120, just so we never come to power. well, that just
might happen <wink>, but in the meantime, is this existence worth pulling
ourselves out of the gutter for? i think so. there is a point that all the
freebies run out, and we're left here, "who me, worry?" yeah you jerky. how
many pot-heads does it take to run a country? write me in bolivia when it
comes to that. i'm trying to escape just as much as anyone else, except i
know when we are getting to the point that some "generation-x authors" such
as myself term 'the do-nothing' or 'don't care' generation.
shut off the flashy neon "HELP ME!" sign on your head, don't panic.
ask not what your country can do for you, because all the money and patience
has run out. ask yourself what you can do for you, for us, for the 90's
kiddies out there who haven't seen truth as maybe now you will.
look at life in a different way. don't complain. words alone won't
get you anywhere. it's no secret that the system is dicking us over,
and it's also no secret that we're not helping the matter either.
ACT. enlighten yourself and others. spread the word that there's
a new generation of thinkers out there who don't want violence,
don't want racism, and are tired of seeing their peers blowing their
heads off because it was the only way to escape.
<20>.<2E><>lethe<68><65>.<2E>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
loss and coffee
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
a man walked up to me
in the restaurant where I was
drinking coffee by myself
I had noticed him staring at me
from the pay-telephone
on the other wall
when he approached
he asked me if he knew me
I said "obviously not".
"perhaps once, in the desert,
we were acquaintances?"
"I am afraid that the desert
in which I live is small and in much disarray.
I doubt if in it we could ever have met."
"I am certain that at one time we were brothers."
"my friend", I said, "acquaintances
die with the loss of their memory
memories die with the loss of mind
and the mind dies
with the loss of acquaintances.
come, sit and have a coffee".
[traq]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
strangers pass
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the pain is slender and deep,
it worked its way there
with cunning,
unknowing as it be, (no doubt)
however
unwelcome fear
which neurosis has left me
blind to this attack?
a passing stranger in his
IGNORANCE
assists the blade
in piercing the most vital
of organs. my head
aches.
blood mixed with saliva
works its way over the bulge
of my lip
to my chin
but no one hears
the stranger passes.
[traq]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
good-bye
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came today,
to say goodbye...
I burnt my tongue (while losing you)
can i ever taste
your water (pure) again?
with you, despise you
without, more
I want/HATE you!
but you're gone,
any you don't know,
didn't know while,
don't know now
while i smoke the cliche cigarette
that you WERE me,
and i am not me, no longer...
again i am alone
even her by my side we are one
still alone
and she'll be gone
still alone
more will see my company,
and fade you will
surfacing as barside stories,
and weeping nostalgic episodes
as a shell of what you once were, me.
I turn and kiss her and fall asleep,
with a smile
no more paper, story's over... good bye, love.
. <20> <20> <20> . <20> <20> <20> . <20> <20> <20> <20>
<20> this is the time of seeing... part I
<20>
. the human mind is a very complex thing. many million
<20> years evolution has not only shaped our minds, but formed our
<20> consciousness, twisted it from primitive instinct-based thoughts
to highly-organized problem-solving abilities, yet the world has
<20> not changed greatly. the mind in its desire to expand and evolve
saw fit to close its metaphorical "eye" on selected images in the
<20> harsh, unrelenting world around us. you see, in the past few days,
<20> i have discovered that our world is... much more evil
. than we tend to let ourselves believe. What we consider
. too hideous and grotesque to actually occur in our world doesn't
<20> necessarily NOT happen, but our mind closes itself off. seeing
all components of life as it really exists would flood our mind
<20> with information completely intolerable to the human psyche. so the
. situation which our path to become human has been facilitated by
<20> is our blindness. until recently...
<EFBFBD>
. i live in the "bad" part of New York. that is to say, one of the
<20> few places in this country where people actually choose to accept
<20> that things are truly going to shit. except that they limit this
phenomena so discretely to a few sordid scumholes like my
<20> neighborhood that they often overlook the fact that their
neighborhood is just as bad. see, it's not the big guns and cheap
<20> drugs dragging poor minorities through life with a taught leash, or
<20> rape and abortion or spilled milk, spilled blood; these things
. permeate all walks of life. it's not the oppression of a government
. who's concerns lie solely in saving its own ass without regard for
<20> the people whom its decisions slowly weaken, only for the quick fix
it supplies. sure all these things exist, and for the most part,
<20> they always will. these are all the frilly things. these are only
. the fringes of what is really going on in the sublevels of the
<20> consciousness, where concrete objects don't necessarily exist, yet
<EFBFBD> whose ideas are just as jagged. this is the part of us that sleeps.
. it is purely animal, and it knows no bounds. it has no concern for
<20> life, for life has no concern for it. like i said though, it has,
<20> for many millennia lay dormant under layers of survivalism and this
ill-constructed idea of peace that this misguided species has dreamed
<20> up to protect our fragile mindsets, surfacing only very seldomly to
shatter our disbelief, lashing out and destroying millions of
<20> victims in war, or the singular terror of a violent serial murderer,
<20> then silently, passively it would sleep again, content in its brief
. wake. yet recently, these very mindsets have begun to crumble.
. the sleeper has become restless, and it wants to peer into its new
<20> playground. it is now so happy to see that even without its aid,
<20> we have done much work to masticate our own well-being into the cud
<20> in which it will easily bring to the brink of complete hell.
. the apocalypse is upon us, my friend, and our blindness for so long
<20> has left us quite unprepared for the battle we must now fight, but
<EFBFBD> the opening of our eyes is also our strength, even if it happens one
. guilt-laden eyelid at a time. this is the time of taking
. responsibility for damage rendered. this is the time of seeing...
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20> ..traq.. <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
----------
<20>NOTICE!
----------
we are in serious need of good writers. if you have been
looking for a constructive end to your writing, looking for
a medium for your work to be distributed, or dissatisfied
or generally not feeling very loyal to your current group :)
please drop me some e-mail and an a small sample of your
writing, and chances are you'll gain a spot in the Pharce
community. milletcd@wilkes.edu
----------
!ECITON<4F>
----------
neeb evah uoy fi .sretirw doog fo deen suoires ni era ew
rof gnikool ,gnitirw ruoy ot dne evitcurtsnoc a rof gnikool
deifsitassid ro ,detubirtsid eb ot krow ruoy rof muidem a
(: puorg tnerruc ruoy ot layol yrev gnileef ton yllareneg ro
ruoy fo elpmaxe llams a na dna liam-e emos em pord esaelp
ecrahP eht ni tops a niag ll'uoy era secnahc dna ,gnitirw
moc.nosirpgnuorgrednu.esuohetihw@vehcabrog .ytinummoc
(!oot sthgir evah sredaer cixelsyd)
SAUCE00pharce #1 - released by traq traq pharce/mOrtal 19960802}aP

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PeopleInSocietySuckPeopleInSocietySuckPeopleInSocietySuckPeopleI
nSoci eIn eop Suc ciet
ySuck pleInS etySuckP pleInSoc ySuckPeople SocietySuckPe
opleI cietyS PeopleIn cietySuc opleInSocie SuckPeopleInS
ociet nSociety ckPeople ckP etyS
uckPe eInSocietySuckPeo eInSocietySuckPe eInSocietyP Peop
leInS etySuckPeopleInSo etySuckPeopleInS etySuckPeop nSoc
ietyS PeopleInSoci eIn Peo ySuc
kPeopleInSocietySuckPeopleInSocietySuckPeopleInSocietySuckPeople
A Zine Dedicated To Bitching And Moaning About People In Society
Vol. I Num. I
Welcome to PISS. A different kind of zine. We don't do anarchy.
We don't practice wicca, and we don't pretend we can hack VAXen. We
don't make crystal meth in our basement. We don't get erections every
time a Renegade update comes out. We don't write adult text. We have
no business in warez. We're not into the paranoia conspiracy thing. We
don't trade source code for C++ or Pascal. We don't draw obnoxious ansi
of comicbook heroes. What does PISS do? Bitch. And moan. We rant, rave,
complain, filibuster, debate, gripe, whine, and get pissed. Pissed off.
At society and the people in it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In This Issue:
BITE ME MONKEY BOY: Music, subverts, insecurity, and life.
I ALMOST CARE: How to deal with phone solicitors. The FUN way.
COMPROMISE SCHMOMPROMISE: The pitfalls of the Jews for Jesus.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
FIRST RANT.
Alternative. Hip-hop. Country. Punk. Classic rock. R+B. Seattle.
Heavy Metal. Soul. Jazz. Reggae. Pop. And every other possible style
of music that you can think of. Don't matter what kind it is, what
it sounds like, someone is going to slam it. You listen to Nirvana?
Poser. Nine Inch Nails? Bandwagon. Green Day? Sellout. Garth Brooks?
Inbred. Pennywise? Skaterdork. Grateful Dead? Homo. I find it pretty
ironic that people will find a way to insult any music that they
themselves don't listen to. But there's reason for it. It's an ego
booster, and a mask for insecurity. And I'm fucking tired of it. I'm
getting pissed.
The explanation behind this whole music deal is pretty simple. It
usually starts when one is in their early teens, and just beginning
to play the whole "I'm cool as shit" game. You go and throw away all
your Bon Jovi, Poison, Def Leppard, and Michael Jackson tapes, and
begin looking for some new rebel music that'll define just how cool
you really are to all of your peers. You pick your style of choice,
and from that point on anything else sucks. You've only three things
to worry about: making sure your music is so original that you can
be one of those trendy new "individuals", making sure that nobody
else listens to your bands (or else you'd lose your trendy status as
an individual, oh no), and making sure that you put down everybody
else's music, so that you can show how much cooler than them you are
and so that you can further reassure yourself of your new subversive
personality.
Or you can choose another path, which is that of conformist. You
go out and buy the music that everyone else is listening to, try to
do exactly what MTV tells you is "hip", and do your best to blend in
with everyone else, you don't wanna seem different, weird. Secure as
being a conformer, you'd rather that than be an outcast. Standards
vary from area to area. At my high school, since the late 70's it's
been the Grateful Dead and pot. If you listen to the Dead, and live
on weed, you are cool. No questions asked. Otherwise, you're.. yep..
different. So the conformists just go with the flow, which generally
leads to social success, if not personal torment, for these people.
Of course, there are two other kinds of people who fit into this
story. There's the kid who buys what he likes, and don't care if he
saw it advertised on MTV, or if it's "corporate rock". There's also
the guy who really does just have unique tastes, and just isn't into
the same kind of stuff most other people are. Now strangely, these
two types, the only two who are being honest, get the most shit from
their peers. They, unlike the conformist and the coolguy, are not
sacrificing their thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes in hopes of
being deemed "cool". They are being true to themselves, but their
shallow and insecure peers are more concerned with their image than
happiness.
So what inevitably happens (damn, that was a longass introduction,
wasn't it?) is these four groups come into conflict. The coolguy and
the conformist are worried about their image, due to some adolescent
insecurities (which I'm sure are perfectly natural). They deal with
these insecurities in two ways, the coolguy taking the active path,
the conformist the passive one. Usually, unfortunately, the innocent
"realguy" recieves the same abuse thrown at the conformist by the
coolguys. Coolguy is most always the instigator in these fights. So,
coolguy ends up saying how Metallica and NIN kick so much ass, and
how he is so cool because he listens to them. And he begins to say
to conformist how much his music sux, and how much better coolguy's
is. Meanwhile, conformist is saying that he listens to the same shit
that coolguy listens to. Because of course, hell, it's so damn cool.
This further enrages coolguy, because now he is being told his music
is no longer ORIGINAL, so he begins to question the integrity with
which conformist listens to those groups. (Pot calling the kettle
black, no?) So conformist beings a half assed attempt to explain how
he feels Trent Reznor's pain, when Trent bleeds, HE bleeds. And poor
real guy is being assaulted at the same time, and all he can say is
the truth, that he listens to NIN and Green Day and Offspring cause
he heard them on MTV and thought they were pretty good. And all the
while, Authenticallydifferentman is laughing at all of this. Alas,
coolguy has a problem with him too. Coolguy's jealous of him because
coolguy knows in his heart that authenticman is what he's pretending
to be. So he has to start ripping on authenticman, to try and do two
things; one, once again bolster his self esteem (or lack there of),
and two, try and subconsciously tell authenticman that he's not as
Authentic as he really is. But authenticallydifferentman's too smart
for that shit. And realguy, poor, simple, misunderstood realguy is
just sitting there wondering why the fuck this all matters, christ,
it's only music, it's not like the meaning of life. So conformist is
trying to think of a way that he can just blend into the background
again while they all duke it out, and coolguy, in the midst of a
testosterone rush, demands realguy tell him what Eddie Vedder is all
about. Realguy looks at him and asks coolguy if he wants to borrow
his copy of Ten, becuase, hey, it's like pretty good and stuff. So
authenticman, in a flurry of selflessness, asks coolguy why HE is a
more valid NIN fan than realguy is, (hey, the honest losers have to
stick together) and coolguy states that he knew about them first. So
Authenticman whips out a ticket stub from a NIN show in 1986, from a
theater that only seats two hundred people. Suddenly, all commotion
comes to a halt. They are all faced with the pinnacle of coolness.
Coolguy begins saying how Trent was his fourth cousin once removed,
while conformist is trying to ask authenticman if he's busy Friday
nite. Realguy has wandered off in the meantime to buy the new Motley
Crue album, and carries it up to the register with not the slightest
bit of shame on his face. As the day comes to an end, Coolguy goes
home to watch Alternative Nation and take notes on all the cool new
bands he can like. Comformist goes to a party at a neighbor's house
and dies of alcohol poisoning while pretending that he likes beer.
Authenticman walks off into the sunset in search of more cool things
he can do. And realguy goes home to enjoy the blissful sounds of his
new Nirvana Unplugged, proud to say that he has no clue what Kurt
Cobain is talking about, and has no desire to.
So what's my point?
1. None of this shit matters. Why is it music such an intrinsic
part of an adolescent's persona anyway? Why not make it their choice
of underwear? Coolguy wears boxers, Formy wears breifs, Authenticman
freeballs? This is all stupid. It's juvenile, and immature. However
it's only a phase. I've never seen anyone over the age of thirty act
this way. So maybe there still is hope.
2. Insecurity sucks. Be honest, and you'll be much happier. Who
cares if you don't have any freinds? Better than having fake freinds
who you don't even like.
3. Questioning the integrity with which someone follows a band
is dumb and ignorant. I hate Green Day, but find it hilarious when
I hear someone accuse a Green Day fan of being a sell out loser.
Yea, Green Day did sell out to become rich and famous, but if a kid
thinks "Dookie" is a cool sounding album, why does it matter to him
if they are making a lot of money? To him, they still sound good.
And don't say it's the principle of the matter. Sure, the principle
of Green Day (and Offspring) selling out the punk scene does suck,
but hell, if that's what you think, then YOU don't buy the album.
4. Being the only person to listen to a band does not make you
cool. Hell, I had a copy of Nevermind before Nirvana had ever been
on MTV. And you know what? There are a lot of people who had it
before I did. And i don't care. I don't tell people not to listen
to Nirvana because "I had them first" (well, that and I really dont
like em that much, but...). My favorite band is The Ramones. They
are one of the oldest punk bands around, yet have been very unlucky
with their music, and not many people have caught on to them. So do
I try and keep them secret? Hell no. I talk about them every chance
I get. If something is good, share it, don't try to keep it secret.
That's immature, and NOT cool.
5. Don't try to be an Authenticman. That's what starts all the
problems. Be a Realguy, and you not only will be an Authenticman,
but you'll be much happier. Do what's NATURAL.
6. Be nice. It's nicer that way.
7. I think you get the point. The whole music trip is stupid,
immature, and a waste of time. That's about it. Stop pissing me off.
SECOND RANT.
Scenario: You and your all-American family have just sat down to
a pleasant Sunday evening dinner. Just as you are offering to serve
your little brother some delicious, wholesome veggies, the tranquil
scene is interrupted by the screech of the telephone. Daddy gets up
to answer it, trying his best to maintain his composure, lest he be
rude to the caller. But when Daddy hears the all too familiar "Good
evening Mr.<appropriate surname>, how are you tonite? <doesn't wait
for a reply> That's great. My name is Bill Meyers, and I was hoping
you could spare me a minute of your time, so that I could tell you
about the next great development in the colostomy bag industry. Now
if I could just... ", Daddy is slightly annoyed. He politely states
that his family is in the middle of dinner, and he does not want to
deal with this now. "I'm sure," replies Bill, "but I promise you, I
won't take more than a minute of your time. So as I was saying, the
bag collects the fecal matter in an amazing new way. You see-" but
before he can continue, Daddy loses control and flips. "Look, you..
you.. ignoramus! Yea! You ignoramus, I'm trying to enjoy a precious
family bonding moment, and you're here disturbing our meal! I won't
stand for it! You are SOO insensitive to our needs! I am hanging up
now! I won't tolerate this insurrection! Good-Bye!" Click.
Seem familiar? Most likely, no. But you know what I'm getting at.
At one time or another, we've all had to deal with obnoxious phone
solicitors, calling at any and every hour so they can mispronounce
our names, insult our lifestyles, and then bombard us with a sales
pitch explaining why a solar powered ostrich waxer is a necessity
for any nuclear family of the nineties. Welp, I'm sick and tired of
dealing with this shit. So a few months ago, I decided to think up
as many immature, juvenile, and obnoxious ways of dealing with this
as possible. A list of my favorite means of revenge follows.
1) The General Obnoxiousness Reply
A favorite throughout the generations, this consists
of basically yelling at the person and being really really
obnoxious, and then hanging up on them. Cute, but not very
fun.
2) The "Okay" Game.
A very simple very enjoyable way to deal with the guy.
Wait until he introduces himself, and as soon as he begins
his speech, say "Okay". Continue to say OK as often as you
can, for the duration of the call. Change your inflection
and tone of voice as much as possible. The idea is to see
how many OKs you can get in before they hang up on you, in
bewilderment or annoyance. Some people prefer to throw out
their OKs at random, awkward intervals. Others like to use
the "machine gun" approach, ie, say OK non-stop as soon as
he begins talking to you. Both work well. For the record,
my personal best is 37 okays in a single call.
3) The Pervert
A personal favorite, and possibly the funniest to use.
When the loser on the other end of the line asks you if he
can tell you about his product, say yes. As he begins his
speech, don't say much at first, just throw in the random
"uh huh" and "yes.." here and there. After a minute or two
begin to moan softly after every sentence. Every time that
he makes a "big" point, reply with an "ooh". Increase the
rate at which you do this until it is every two seconds or
so. Then the fun begins. Continue your moanings, but make
them louder and more obvious. Throw in lots of really loud
cries of "Yes! Yes!". As he continues (in probably a state
of mild confusion) continue "Oh God! Yes!", "Don't Stop!"
Keep this up until it seems like he might be getting close
to the end of his sales pitch, or he seems like he might
hang up. Then, continue with the "Oh Gods!"s, and finally,
let loose with all your might when he reaches the climax
of his speech. "Oh my god! YES!! YES!!! I'm coming! OH GOD
I'M COMING!! DON'T STOP!! OH JESUS! YES!!!!!". You get the
basic idea, I think. After your orgasm he will probably be
in a total state of shock, if he has not hung up already
Then proceed to thank him profusely, ask him for his phone
number, and ask if you can do this again sometime. If you
want, a cheesy nice touch is to ask how it was for him.
During all of this you should be panting, wheezing, etc,
to make it oh-so-more realistic. Tell him one more time
how great it was, and hang up before he can reply.
4) The Obnoxious Whistle
Another simple one, but very satisfying. Try and keep
one of them Thunder whistles, or if you can't find one, a
referee's whistle, near your phone. If you answer the line
to one of those pesky phone solicitors, give him about two
seconds head start, then pick up the whistle and blast it
into the mouthpiece of the receiver as loudly as you can.
Not only is this real annoying, but it can be really funny
on a variety of levels. First off they usually scream like
a little girl when they hear it, which is rather humorous.
Second, it's not just annoying, but really really.. umm...
bad?? A friend of mine did it to a phone salesman using a
normal whistle, and he did it so loud that he blew out the
guy's right eardrum. The company the guy worked for tried
to sue my friend (and his parents) but, apparently, that
would only be permissible if my friend had called them. So
then case never even went to court. So it's not only a fun
way to permanently damage someone who SUCKS, but it's also
legal! Gotta love our justice system. And as a note, don't
try this with an airhorn, you'd probably end up hurting
yourself more than the loser on the other end of the wire.
Oh, and although I've never had the pleasure of this, I've
been told by others that sometimes the schmucks don't even
hang up. If that's the case, don't worry. Wait about three
seconds and do it again. Repeat as necessary.
5) Stopwatch Fun.
This one sucks, but if you're bored, go for it. Keep a
stopwatch by the phone, and start it as soon as the loser
begins his rap. Put the phone down, go get a beer or soda
or something, come back, and see how long he can go before
he realizes that no one is listening to him. I told ya it
sucks.
6) The Lonely Neurotic Game
Really funny if you do it right. When he starts talking
act normal for about a minute. Then try to, real subtle at
first, drag him into a totally unrelated conversation. Tell
him about your cat's urinary tract infection. Ask him his
favorite flavor of cheese. Tell him about your first sexual
experience. Begin reciting the Gettysburg Address. Ask him
if he speaks any other languages, and then say you'll only
listen to his speech in that language. Ask him if he spits
or swallows. Sing the Cuban national anthem. Backwards. Try
and start a farting contest. You get the idea.
7) The "I Think I'm Seven Game"
Hahaha... this one is so stupid, and so funny. Watch the
reaction you get from this one. It really annoys da fuck out
out of the solicitor. As soon as you can identify him as one
of "them", start doing the mimic game you played when you
were seven. You know, the "copy" game. Everything he says,
repeat back to him. For added effect, do it in a really high
pitched, nasal, whiny voice. If they get flustered, keep it
up. You've not seen patheticness until you've heard a twenty
seven year old man have a temper tantrum over the phone.
There are a million other things ya could do to do these People Who
Suck. These are just some of my favorites. And don't you worry if you
don't get many calls from phone salespeople. I've found that most of
these tactics work really well on annoying friends as well as on the
professional assholes. So next time some loser rings you up, either
professional or amateur, don't just get Pissed. Have fun.
THIRD RANT.
I was meandering through downtown Philadelphia last week, going
nowhere in particular pretty quickly, when I came to the corner of
Sixteenth and Chesnut. As is usual around Christmas time, there was
a big old fat Santa Claus with gratuitous Salvation Army kettle in
hand, clanking his obnoxious little bell at passersby. Across the
street from him was the neurotic guy with the giant sign exalting
the second coming of christ, megaphone in one hand, tattered bible
in the other. But as I continued down the sidewalk, I noticed there
was something different.. There were new solicitors on the sidewalk
today. Dressed in blue n white, four of them had commandeered each
corner of the intersection and were distributing (or, at the least,
trying to) little white pamphlets to the pedestrians walking by. I
recognized them immediately as members of one of the more pathetic
organizations in America today. Called Messianic Jews, Yeshuahites,
or whatever else, they are the Jews For Jesus, some of the sorriest
people I have ever had to encounter.
Jews For Jesus is an organization that is about, basically, what
its name implies. The members are mostly Jews who decide that Jesus
is the real deal, but choose not to become Christians. So they try
to make a compromise between the two, remaining practicing Jews (in
their minds) but accepting the concept of Jesus as the messiah. The
Jews For Jesus as a whole however, are neither Jewish or Christian.
Their basic doctrine goes like this: Jesus did come to Earth around
2000 years ago, but no one really realized how great a guy he was,
so he just got shit all over. So then he did the whole crucifixion
deal, and went to meet God in heaven, etc, etc, etc. They say that
the reason not everyone on Earth believes in him is because he did
not finish his job here. So they are waiting for him to come back.
Until then, they won't be either real Jews or real Christians, they
figure they can decide that when the real messiah, whoever he is,
finally shows up. This is not necessarily their complete doctrine,
but a summary given to me twice, once by the Philadelphia JFJs, and
once by the New York City JFJs.
So basically, the Christian church (and the Christian community
as a whole) detest these people, who want to accept the christian
messiah without adapting to his church. And the Jewish community
has the same basic feelings, the Messianics are going against the
most basic tenets of Jewish theology, that the Messiah hasn't yet
arrived on Earth. Yet they insist they are Jewish, even if they do
believe in Jesus. Essentially, nobody likes them (Okay, maybe the
Muslims don't hate them too much, but..).
Well anyway, I was getting closer and closer to one of the freaks
when I realized that she had already locked me into her sights. Not
having planned a discourse for this situation, I cut her off before
she could finish her "Merry Christmas! Can I intere.." with a sharp
and intentionally quite loud snap of "Pagan!" to her face. I rushed
across the street before she could say anything else, thinking that
I had "won" that battle. However, her compatriot across the way had
heard my remark to her, so not only did he offer me a pamphlet, but
he had the nerve to corner me against a busy food stand, so that he
might be able to preach his wisdom to me against my will. I thought
as quickly as I could about the best way to get out of this. I did
recall the time two years ago when I was up in New York with some
freinds, and we went to South Street Seaport. We weren't there five
minutes when we were greeted by the NYC faction of the Yeshuaites,
and assholes we are, we weren't going to just ignore them. One of
my freinds there had been going to a Jewish day school for four
years, so he engaged in a lengthy debate on the interpretation of
the bible and other scriptures with one of the guys. Having never
really studied the bible so in depth, I was left standing there
telling the guy "You're ugly, you smell, and you suck real bad."
As effective as this argument may have been then, I didn't think
that it would serve me well now. So i decided to forget the whole
theology-bible-interpretation thing, and launch into something I am
good at, to hold my own against this guy. So I began grilling him
on the integrity & ethics behind his beliefs, being as obnoxiously
intelligent (and just obnoxious) as i could on such short notice.
A transcript of our conversation (as best as i can recall) follows.
Feel free to make your own judgement on the JFJs from what they say.
I have already made up my mind.
(Me) Do you want something?
(Jew For Jesus) Yes. I wanted to talk to you about our organization.
(M) I'm familiar with you guys already.
(J) Is that right?
(M) Yes. I harassed one of you in New York a few years ago. It was fun.
(J) <awkward laugh> hehe.. um, can i offer you some literature?
(M) How about this, can I ask you some questions?
(J) I'd be happy to answer any questions you had about our group.
(M) Are you Jewish or Christian?
(J) Both.
(M) Impossible.
(J) How do you figure?
(M) Jews don't believe in christ, christians do. It's really not that
complicated.
(J) Haha, well, yes, in a way you are right. But you see--
(M) <interrupting> Wait, I've heard this speech before. Tell me this.
If you believe that the messiah already came, but has more work to
do, and will come again, why not start a totally new religion based
on that premise? Why hang on to these two?
(J) It's not that simple.
(M) Sure it is. Do you celebrate Hannukah?
(J) Yes.
(M) Do you celebrate Christmas?
(J) Yes.
(M) Passover?
(J) Yes.
(M) Easter?
(J) Yes.
(M) Memorial Day?
(J) Ye.. um, what?
(M) Nevermind. Look, let me cut to the chase. Aren't you just some
really insecure Jewish guy who wants to comform to the rest of
American society by believing in this christ guy? But you're either too
indecisive or too scared of the reprecussions you might face from
god, if you did such a thing? If say, there was no jesus,
and you ended up pissing god off real bad? Is that it?
(J) <trying to maintain composure> Interesting opinion, but I was not
actually born a Jew. I just agree with many of the tenets of the
Jewish faith.
(M) Are you circumcised?
(J) No.
(M) Then how can you call yourself a Jew? Any kind of Jew? Can't be
Jewish with that foreskin thing, ya know.
(J) I don't wanna do it. It'd hurt too much.
(M) You're kidding, right?
(J) No.
(M) And you are supposed to be a good representative of your
organization?
(J) I feel I am.
(M) Uh huh.
(J) Look, would you like a pamphlet? It might answer a lot of your
questions.
(M) No. I'd rather stand here and try to understand your psyche.
(J) Um, I really have to be going, there are a lot of people out. It's
lunch hour.
(M) Hold on. How do you justify a name like "Jews for Jesus"? It is
an oxymoron in its purest essence.
(J) I don't know. But I'm not sure which is the proper path, as the
Messiah, Yeshua, has not yet returned to Earth.
(M) Wait. You're not sure? But you said before that it's NOT because
you are indecisive. Make up your mind.
(J) Okay, maybe I am. What of it? You know, there are some Jews For
Jesus who are starting a new branch called the Buddhist Jews for
Jesus.
(M) Hahaha... hehe
(J) I wasn't kidding.
(M) Oh.
(J) Maybe they have the right idea... look, i have to run. Take this.
<hands me a pamphlet>
(M) Wait...
(J) What?
(M) Don't you think you're insulting real Jews and Christians by
using their names in a misrepresenting sense? My history teacher
would probably accuse you of plagarism...
(J) Well, it's not like those names are copyrighted.
(M) Good point. <sarcastic air to voice>
(J) And we are happy to allow any Jews or Christians participate in
our services.
(M) That's very noble of you. How do you feel about prayer in the
the classroom? I think it sucks...
(J) If it's directed towards all faiths, it can be a good thing.
(M) What about atheists?
(J) They are different.
(M) And agnostics?
(J) I'm agnostic.
(M) I thought you were a Jew For Jesus..
(J) I am. I'm just not sure if there is a god, that's all.
(M) So you doubt the existance of a messiah, and of a god, and your
solution is to join every religion you can, to try and cover all
the bases?
(J) I wouldn't put it that way...
(M) Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
(J) Huh?
(M) He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
(J) Umm..
(M) Nevermind.. old joke. Tell me this. You are waiting for the
messiah, right?
(J) Yes.
(M) What if I told you that guy over there was the Messiah <pointing
to freak with the jesus sign and the bible>?
(J) I doubt it.
(M) How do ya figure?
(J) He looks like a vagrant.
(M) Wasn't the "real" Jesus a bum too, though?
(J) So I'm told.
(M) Uh huh. Okay, what if I told you I was the messiah?
(J) Look, you're not, and I really don't have time for this.
(M) I am the messiah.
(J) Prove it. Make yourself invisible. <with sophisticated sarcasm>
(M) <not believing this guy> No.
(J) Why not?
(M) That'd be a vulgar display of power. <I stole that from "The
Exorcist">
(J) Look, I'm done talking to you.
(M) Well, when are you gonna decide what religion you are?
(J) I don't know. I'm looking into Taoism. <I think he was joking.>
(M) Um, okay....
(J) Good day, sir.
(M) Um, later buddy.
<He walks off>
Draw your own conclusions. This guy was supposed to be one of the
most respected, wise, grooviest representatives of the Messianics
of Philadelphia. They weren't much different in New York. Just one
more example of People In Society who Suck.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PISS is one person's <<<PissDistroBase>>> PISS a is non-profit
collected bitchings Mogelland BBS (215)732-3413 e-zine who's purpose
and moanings about is to educate people
society and the people ___________________________ on the ever present
in it who suck. PISS | In the next PISS: | faction of America's
is written by Socrates | Software Pirates Suck | popluation that sucks.
cuz he's PISSed off. | PISSTEST: Do ya suck??? | Like YOU.
| Fun with 1-800 Operators |
In Association with: |___________________________|
HoE Publications DistroBranchesSoonToCome...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(c)OPYWRITE MY ASS. I'M PISSED, LEAMME ALONE. |>PISS International<| 1.1.95

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Philz Lap -- Issue One
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
"Phil Makes a Move on Katie"
+ by an anonymous source
*soybeanB* stock up on your butter
[soybean] haha
[soybean] there is a BUTTER SHORTAGE
[soybean] oh owen
-> *soybeanB* i know. that's the craziest thing i've ever heard
[soybean] i should share with you what happened with murmur last night
[soybean] butter is the one thing that shoudl always be around
[soybean] hahaha
[soybean] hopefully not!@
[soybean] but:
[soybean] i got bored last night so i demanded he tell me a story
-> *soybeanB* there's always soy butter
[soybean] so he talked about academic bowl in high school for awhile
-> *soybeanB* yeah
[soybean] soy!
[soybean] and so anyway
[soybean] he started telling me that i have all this potential and i
can do
amazing things
[soybean] but i really need to do something with it
[soybean] generic stuff
-> *soybeanB* heh
[soybean] and then he said that, like, I need to marry him right now
[soybean] which was funny, and dumb
-> *soybeanB* "do something
-> *soybeanB* HAHAHAHAHAHHA
[soybean] but then SOMEHOW
-> *soybeanB* oh no
[soybean] for NO APPARENT REASON
[soybean] he started talking about how he's kissed six girls in the
last
six months
[soybean] but he's not, like, a WHORE or anything
[soybean] but idle smooching is getting old
[soybean] and then he talked about
[soybean] how he used to feel weird during idle smooching because he's
always been less experienced than the girls he's with
[soybean] the entire time i just say "okay"
[soybean] so he went on to tell me that he feels fine now since he's
done
it enough to feel certain he has certain techniques down
-> *soybeanB* i think i just woke my dad up by laughing
[soybean] and then he said: "i'd be willing to demonstrate my
techniques
if you're up for it :) :) :)
[soybean] "
[soybean] hahahaha
-> *soybeanB* now owen just woke his dad up with screams of fear
[soybean] HAHA
-> *soybeanB* was he SERIOUS?
[soybean] i was, like, hysterical throughout
[soybean] YES
-> *soybeanB* oh my fucking god
[soybean] this was like the THIRD TIME he'd mentioned it
[soybean] hahaha
[soybean] i for some reason told him about that dream i had a few days
ago
[soybean] and after it he just said
[soybean] "well, i'm kinda cute, you know!@"
[soybean] hahaha
[soybean] <important> katie, go to Ohio State University
[soybean] <soybean> why?
[soybean] <important> then we can get married!
-> *soybeanB* ha
-> *soybeanB* did he just say that
[soybean] <important> i'm inclined to think that you ought to be my
best
friend
[soybean] no
[soybean] this is from last night :)
[soybean] i logged it
-> *soybeanB* oh
-> *soybeanB* haha
[soybean] haha
-> *soybeanB* will you log everything for me? :)
[soybean] <important> i really hope that i experience more life and
then
meet someone just like you
[soybean] <important> who's a lot like me in the ways i would want
someone
to be like me, but who
[soybean] isn't quite at the same point i am
[soybean] everything murmur? :)
[soybean] <important> c'mon over :)
[soybean] <important> just marry me now
[soybean] <important> we'll figure out the rest later
-> *soybeanB* something is seriously wrong with him
[soybean] haha
[soybean] yes.
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
The first issue of Philz Lap was complete on June 24, 1998. Send any
conversations dealing with kissing techniques to toasty@sky.net.

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________/\ /\____
\_____ \____/ \
/ - / - \ - /
/ /__/ \ /
\___/ \______/___/
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rancidium (A quick & easy explosive)
- Take a liquid plumber bottle, 1/2 EMPTY... Put in lighter fluid, & put on
top plastic wrap to seal it. Pierce plastic wrap & insert a wick (preferably
long). Then, set the wick on fire & run.. Basically what you just created is
: Chemistry coming up here:
- Lighter fluid starts burning
- Liquid Plumber becomes active
- Internal pressure causes Liquid Lighter misxutre to mix w/ plastic
- Plastic blows
- Little bits of corrosive-acid laced plastic blow all over & anyone in the
path will need some GOOD plastic surgery
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa Claus is a Pedophile (Song) Sing to the tune of Santa Claus is coming
to town
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You better not tell
You better not sue
Thats cause I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is a pedophile
He gives you gifts
To shut you up
So you won't sue his ass
Santa Claus is a pedophile
You sit on his lap
He smiles so
Gets to bury his bone
Santa Claus is a pedophile
Ever wonder why he got to be a saint?
That's cause he was a priest
And priests are pedophiles...
(I commited blasphemy! Oh no! Someone shoot me)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some thoughts on Christmas
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christmas is the one holidat which makes me physically sick. Think. What
is their to celebrate? The birth of Jesus? Mi amigo, that is total bullshit.
(Quick history lesson coming up)
Way back in the 100 ads, Christianity's main competition among the outskirts
of the Roman Empire (where the Roman religion hadn't exactly caught on), was
a religion called Mithraism. Mithraism worshipped "Mithras", a prophet who
lived in Persia. He was credited with healing the sick, feeding people,
prophecy & all the things your typical holy man does. But, with a difference:
According to the religion, Mithras was born on December 25th to a virgin.
Wow! Sound familar? Anyhow, Mithraism was a pretty damn cool religion, with
most celebrations marked by getting drunk & having massive orgies. Of course,
Christianity with it's somber, brainwashing, no-sex no-fun no-anything
philosiphy couldn't compete that well. So, the Church seniors decided to
have a symposium on how to cope with it. So, they decided to celebrate Jesus's
birthday every 25th of December, with a somber church service. (Not fun, but
with the proper spin put on it, well...).
So now you know the truth about Christmas. So now what do you have left?
Just lots of commercial bullshit by big corperation$ wanting you to buy their
neato 300,000$ new products, the church celebrating a BS holiday, & stupid
motherfucks from the Salvation Army begging for money. And the stupid
HYPOCRISY of Christmas sickens me.. The theme is supposed to be love &
happiness, but all people do is hate & threaten each other over the holiday.
Geez...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top ten names for Nirvana tribute albums
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Nine Inch Nails "Head Like a Hole"
9. Hole "Hole"
8. Pearl Jam "Hey, we're the #1 grunge band now!"
7. Marilyn Manson "Get Your Gunns"
6. KMFDM "Don't Blow Your Top"
5. Dinosaur Jr. "Feel the Pain"
4. Stone Temple Poseurs "Big Empty (Head)"
3. REM "Bang and Blame"
2. Soundgarden "Fresh Tendrils"
1. Jimi Hendrix "Pink Haze (of guts all over the floor"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC
PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC
PPiC-PPiC _____ _____ ______ _____ PPiC-PPiC
PPiC-PPiC / _ /\ / _ /\ /_ __/\ / ___/\ PPiC-PPiC
PPiC-PPiC / ___/ // ___/ /_\/ /\_\// /\__\/ PPiC-PPiC
PPiC-PPiC /_/\__\//_/\__\//_____/\ /____/\ PPiC-PPiC
PPiC-PPiC \_\/ \_\/ \_____\/ \____\/ PPiC-PPiC
PPiC-PPiC PPiC-PPiC
PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC
PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC-PPiC
PRESENTS: PPiC Issue #1
By No Name & Scourge
^L
THE BULLSHIT:
THIS FILE IS FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY. DO NOT ATTEMPT
ANYTHING CONTAINED WITH IN. PLEASE DELETE THIS FILE. DON'T
EVEN FUKN READ THIS FILE. DON'T BLAME ANYONE BUT YOURSELF IF
YOU TRY ANYTHING IN HERE AND GET CAUGHT, HURT YOURSELF, GET
LOCKED OFF OF A BBS, GO TO PRISON, ETC. THE AUTHORS OF THIS
TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING IN THIS DOC. WE DON'T
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY IN ANYTHING. AND YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO
FIND US. SO DON'T TRY AND PIN SHIT ON US. END OF BOLD PRINT.
Thats all I gotta say...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Table of Contents:
------------------
PPiC History -Scourge & No Name
The True Game -Scourge
Destroy Corruption -Scourge
No Name's Shit -No Name
Fukn with Phortress Fones -No Name
Hacking Macs -Duck
History:
--------
The iNNER CiRCLE merged with Phose and Phree on March 1st, 1994.
To form PPiC. A diverse group devoted to hacking, phreaking,
anarchy, and other weird shit like storytelling and getting fucked.
-Scourge and No Name, leaders of PPiC...
The True Game
-------------
-Scourge
Who am I? The question has happened many a time, over and over.
Am I the super-intelligent person some people make me out to be? Am I the
brutal asshole others have labeled me? Am I the vicious hacker, the
evil mischief-maker, the lover?
I am fate. I defy the bonds of the oppressing law, of the
corruption which eats at this world. I destroy the corrupt, I live with it,
and it with me. I am the lover, the fighter, the brain, and the devil.
What is my destiny? What am I meant to do? Do I follow my current
path? Does my destiny in destroying the security of this corrupt world
make me evil as well?
I am not of this world. I defy the corruption. This is the True
Game. The game of hiding, the game of seeking, the game of sex, the game of
war. It is a battle I cannot win, but I will not lose. Breaking
the standards others have set is not immoral, stopping the rise of the
evil of conformity is not immoral. Fight the battle, and you may
not win, but we can still win the war.
Become the hacker. Become the fighter. Become the lover, the genius, the
thief and anarchist. Join the movement. We have the so-called power, if
we united, what law could stop us, what name could strike fear into our
hearts?
DESTROY CORRUPTION
------------------
Stopping the Corruption:
There are several ways you can "liberate" freedom in your school.
Sick of listening to conforming bitches like Mrs. Biatch, your 11th
Grade English teacher? Well, you can give yourself a little relief (Grin)
First, take the following:
Newspaper
Scissors
Glue
Gloves
Envelope
Stamp.
Write a good nasty letter (bomb threat) to your school.
Chances are 50/50 they will ignore it the 1st time. Write a few more, get a
friend that's out of school to make a few calls from DIFFERENT pay phones.
(This is important. If I hadn't said that, some poor kid would say,
"But mommy, Scourge didn't say I had to do it from different pay phones!"
If that doesn't close school, do this. Take a little (PURE) ammonia, and
some iodine crystals. Mix them till the iodine dissolves. Dip some
toilet paper into the mixture, stuff it in the keyhole of the school
or something, while IT IS STILL WET! Once it dries, anyone who touches,
hits, breathes on, or looks at the TP will probably be injured by the
explosion. THEN, they will take you seriously. Be VERY careful from now on.
If you get busted, you will most likely be on NATIONAL TELEVISION!
(Still having trouble getting them to listen? Wait for PPiC Online 2,
soon coming to you! (Or wherever the hell you found this)).
-Scourge
No Names Shit
-------------
-No Name
Here's the shit.
We're new at this. The shit's probably all fukd. Typos and other shit will
be all over it. Sorry this'll be so short, but we wanted to get our name out.
As Scourge says, We are hackers/piraters/anarchists. We plan on doing a lot
for the hacker community. But we need some help first. Call our board (29A)
give us some numbers of good boards to get on. In 616 there are only a couple
of kewl boards around so we need some more. -End of my shit.
About me: Past adventures.. Well, I remember when I became the "TiTANiC" and
sent a zip file that had a ansi bomb inclosed to many of the local bbs's.
which when unzipped redefined the return key to type format c: (enter) Y (enter)
Hacked around a security program that did loggins for a network. (Stole the
supervisor password with a log file.)
Fukn COSMOS, get the WireFrame, blah blah blah. Phun wit skool, phun wit
napalm, phun wit RDX. I'll put a log of my exploits in the next issue or
something.
X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%
%X %X
X% HAKN Phortress Fones X%X%
%X %X<>X
X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%<25>%
X<><58><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>By No Name<6D><65><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>X
%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%X%
PHOS<4F>/PHR<48><52>/<2F>NN<4E>R C<>RCL<43>
[616] HACKERS
How to Beige box off of pay Phones..
________________________
|\ /|
| \___________________/ |
| | | | <---- Phone Booth
| | ____________ | |
| | | Phone | | |
| | | __ | | |
| | | ( ) | | |
| | | || | | |
| | | (__) | | |
| | | \ | | |
| | | <20><> \____| | |
| | |____________| | |
| |_________________| |
| / \ |
|/_____________________\|
| _____ |
|| ||
|| R ||
|| e ||
|| m || <-------Important wires kept in here.
|| o ||
|| v || Ground
|| e || /
||_____|| V
__________|_______|____________________________________________
Remove cover from area marked in the above illustration. (use pry bar.)
You will find four (4) wires. Red, green, yellow, and black. The Red and
Green wires are for phone use. The yellow and black are used to tell when
coins are inserted, and when to give them back. If none are exposed, Use
wire strippers and strip the red and the green wires. Attach the red and
green sides of the beige box to the appropriate sides. And there you go.
You have just bypassed the phones coin collect.
(If wall mounted or in a different shell, reach under it and feel around,
If not found, pull phone off of the wall and get the wires.)
-No Name
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>͸
<20> How To Hack Macintosh <20>
<20> Computers...... <20>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20>
<20> <20> <20> <20> <20> <20> <20> <20>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20>
<20> <20> <20> <20> <20> <20>
<20> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
By Duck
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20>
<20> he key to hacking Macintosh is the software!
<20>
<20>
1......At Ease v1.0
There are many ways to get by "At Ease v1.0"
1) Overite the "At Ease Preferences" file using
a Word Processor of your choice.
2) Delete the "At Ease Preferences" file using
any application with a delete function.
3) Start up with a boot disk. Then drag "At Ease"
into the trash. Drag the "Finder" from the
boot disk into the hard drives "System" folder.
Eject the boot disk and reboot.
4) Use "HyperCard" to make a script to delete the
file "At Ease Preferences". (Knowledge of
HyperCard Programming is helpful)...req...
2......Folder Bolt v1.0
1) Rebuild the desktop. (by holding Shft-Cmnd-Opt-Ctrl
during boot) Then do a finder file search. Search for
"Kind" contains "Folder". Keep hitting Cmnd-G until
you are in the System Folder. There you go!
2) Select the folder you want into. Then hit Cmnd-O
until the folder opens.
3) This is not yet confirmed...
Edit the FB???????? file using Norton or some
other hex-editor. This should show you the password.
4) Buy folder bolt. (or get the administrators disk)
Run the program "FolderBolt Administrator". Then select
uninstall. This should get rid of FolderBolt all to-
gether.
3......After Dark Password protection
1) First start up with a boot disk. Then drag the "After
Dark Preferences" file into the trash. Empty the trash.
Reboot and the problem should be fixed.
4.....Menu Hacking
1) Using ResEdit v2.x.x or above you can edit the menus
of the "Finder". Open ResEdit. Then open the finder and
edit the "MENU" resource. You should be able to rename
the menus and menu items. Have fun here. Try changing
names to your favorite cut-down sentence. (warning...any
changes to the finder a permanent so make a backup copy
first! ..other wise your computer maybe shot for life!)
PPiC Members List:
------------------
No Name
Scourge
Duck
Prophet
The Frenchman
Over Kill
Scorch
Darkman
Chicago
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Property of PPiC.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, ever change any of the contents of this file.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you wish to become a PPiC Distribution Site, or a member, call:
616-781-1177 29A (Wouldn't you like to know?) <Home Base>
(If it's up. Temporary BBS as of yet.)
914-993-6232 Virii <PPiC Distrib Site>
Next issue:
Detail on CLOCK$.SYS by Scourge
25 Wayz to Get Even by Scourge
So You're Having Trouble in Skool by Scourge
ANSi Art -Redefining Standards (and Function Keys) by No Name
In Depth on McAfee's Latest Virus Defeating Schemes by Duck
The REAL Story on Our Country (or, More Excuses to Get in Trouble) by Darkman
Hit List (Regular Topic)
Game Reviews by tHE Frenchman
(C)opright --=<3D> Phose <20><><EFBFBD>. <20>=-- 1994 All Rights reserved.
PHOSE and PHREE and PPiC are trademarks of PHOSE International.
Blah blah blah and a bunch of other small print shit.

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*****************************************************************************
*************************Quick information Cronicles*************************
*****************************************************************************
***********The Lamers Guide On How To Make A Redbox**************************
*****************************************************************************
***********Writen By Cyborg**************************************************
*****************************************************************************
Ok, So you want to make a red box. I'm going to give easy instructions on
how to make your own red box, fast and easy.
Things you will need:
1 6.49 or 6.50 MHZ crystal
1 Radio Shack Phone Dialer ( the 33 memory one)
1 Small Screwdriver and some electrical tape
1 soldering iron
All of these are easy to came by. The hardest thing to get is the 6.49MHZ
crystal. Even though 6.49 is the optimum crystal to use they have to be c
custom made and therfore are almost impossible to get. A 6.50 MHZ crystal
will work just as good as the 6.49 and is easier to get. If you don't
already know where to get the 6.50 crystal, you can order them from either
Mouser electronics (1-800-346-6873) or Digikey electronics (1-800-344-4539)
Ok, now that I've told you where to get the crystals, now on to how to put
the red box together
1. Take your Radio Shack Phone Dialer ( Both the old or newer modles will
work) and the screwdriver and unscrew all 6 of the screws holding the
phone dialer closed.
2. Once you have the phone dialer open look for a shiney canister shaped
thing under 3 disk capasitors. Take a flat head screwdriver and pry the
shiney canister off of the glued area.
3. Take your soldering iron and carefully use it to heat the solder that
is on the wires that hold the shiney canister in, and take it out.
4. Get out your 6.50 MHZ crystal and cut the ends of the wires on it so
it will fit into the phone dialer right.
5 solder the 6.50 MHZ crystal into the spot that the shiney canister was in,
then wrap the crystal in electrical tape so it wont short out the phone
dialer
6. If you are using a newer phone dialer you will need to pry off that
smaller disk shaped speaker on the area that is above where you just put
the crystal in. you can either remove it completley or just move it over so
the phone dialer will close easily.
7. Put the phone dialer back together, close the two sides making sure that
the switches don't fall out, and screw the 6 screws back into their places
8. Put battery's into the phone dialer and make sure that the tone's still
work ( if they don't you either didn't tape the crystal right or didn't
solder the crystal in right) the tones should sound high pitched compared
to normal touch tone phones.
9. Turn the switch to store. press memory, *****, pause, memory, P1
memory, *****, pause, *****, pause, memory, P2
memory, *****, pause, *****, pause, *****, pause, *****, pause, memory, P3
ok, you have mow set your priority buttons for (P1) $0.25, (P2) $0.50,
and (P3) $1.00
Now that you have finished making and setting your red box I will give you
some tip's how to get the best results with it.
1. Try not to use your red box in places with a lot of background noise
ie. Fairs, bowlingally's, etc.
2. If you ever get a live opperator, such as with GTE, just play along and
don't panic, They don't know that you arn't paying for the call
3. if you get an automated opperator, then it switches over to the live
operator, just ask how much more you owe. they will usauly tell you, then
just use the red box like you would normally with the normal automated
opperator.
4. The red box will work best with AT&T so when you are using your red box
always dial 1-0288-1-(AC) xxx-xxxx (10288 is easy to remember just think
10-ATT)
5. One final thing, the red box will not work on all payfones. Some phones
won't activate the mouthpeice untill you actually put money into the phone
you can easily recognize these phones by picking up the receiver and hanging
it back up again, if the phone clicks loudly when you hang up the receiver
then this is one of those phones and you can't redbox off of it, so mave
to another phone.
*****************************************************************************
Disclamer********************************************************************
*****************************************************************************
This file is for information purposes only, I am in no way responsible for
any illegal applications of this file.
*****************************************************************************
For more info contact Suburban Wasteland at (219) YOU-WISH

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<32><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><39><43><EFBFBD><31><6D><EFBFBD>
<32><32><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><36><43><EFBFBD><32><6D><EFBFBD><30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<32><6D><32><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><32><6D><32><6D><EFBFBD> <31> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<32><32><6D><30><32><30> <32><32>
<32><6D><EFBFBD><32><6D><30><6D><EFBFBD> <32><32><30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<32><32><6D><32><31><32><30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><32><6D><EFBFBD><32><32><32> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><32><6D><EFBFBD><30><6D> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <32><6D>
<32><6D><EFBFBD><32><30><6D> <32><6D><EFBFBD> <32><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><30><32><6D><31><6D><EFBFBD><35><43><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <32><6D>
<31><6D><EFBFBD><32><33><32><35> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><32><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><30><6D><EFBFBD> <32><6D><32><32><32><30><35><32><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <32><32>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <32><6D><30><6D> <20><><EFBFBD> <32><32> <32><6D><30> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><32><30><6D><EFBFBD><32><6D>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <32><6D><30><6D> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><32><30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><32><6D><EFBFBD><37><43><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <32><6D><EFBFBD><30><6D><35><43><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><32><6D><EFBFBD><39><30><6D><EFBFBD>
<20><><32><30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><30><6D><36><43><39><43> <20>NM<6D> <32><6D><EFBFBD><32><30><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<32><43><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><30><6D><36><30><43><32> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><31><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<32><43><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><30><30><32><6D><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<33><43><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><30> <20> <20> -<2D><>[Magazine]<5D><><EFBFBD>- <20> <20><38><43>
<34><43><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><30><30>
<35><38>


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*****************************************************************************
| //\/\/R.A.G.E\/\/\\ |
*****************************************************************************
| Recidivism And Goodness Exploited |
*****************************************************************************
| Issue #1 |
*****************************************************************************
| Index of articles: |
| I..................Rage Introduction |
| II.................Making CallerID Work For You |
*****************************************************************************
*****************************************************************************
| Article I |
| The Rage Introduction |
*****************************************************************************
Welcome to the inaugural issue of Rage, an E-zine created and run by
me, Cronie. You're probably thinking "Oh boy, another fly-by-night,
so-called 'Underground' E-zine written by some high school kid that lives
with his parents." Well you may be right, you may be wrong, only time will
tell, but I'll try push this mag out as long as I have stuff to print. That
means that I'll only be writing one article per issue until I get writers,
or else this zine won't last past issue 2.
Rules of submissions:
1. Submissions must be informative and/or entertaining
2. Please don't send personal/business phone numbers, addresses,
etc... with the sole intent for other people to harass them.
I'm into harassment as much as the next guy but I'm not going
to use this mag to do your dirty work for you. Interesting
Internet sites, phone numbers and addresses are fine, though.
3. Send your submissions to cronie@hotmail.com
*****************************************************************************
| Article II |
| Making CallerID Work For You |
*****************************************************************************
In this day and age, all hackers and phreaks are severely agitated by
CallerID as it forces them to dial '*67' every time they need to make a call.
However, a bright idea popped into my head this morning while I was looking
over the previous night's scans: why not use CallerID to my advantage and use
it like a CNA?
I'm sure that someone somewhere has tried this before but I've never
read a file on it or heard of it being done, so I figured why not type this
up? This takes no technical knowledge, your success will depend on how well
you can BS and the gullibility of your target.
What you will need:
CallerID service (duh)
CallerID display unit (duh)
Your target's name and mailing address
Optional:
Second phone line
answering machine
Now is where your BS skill comes into play: you must somehow get your
target to call you. One way would be to just ask him to call you but you're
probably not on friendly terms with your target so my plan would be to forge
a letter from some official sounding organization. For example, you could
send a letter saying to call your number and claim a prize of some sort, but
this could arouse suspicion as people today are wary of the various
mail/phone scams out there, and your target may just discard your letter or
start harassing you, calling you up constantly asking where the Hell his
prize is. In this case your plan will have completely backfired. I would
suggest forging a letter from none other than the local phone company itself.
Now, the more detailed and aware you are, the better your chance of success.
The following is a skeleton letter I just thought up to get you
started.
For example:
<Address of your
phone service
provider here>
<Target's
address
here>
Dear Customer:
We are experiencing problems with excess noise on subscriber lines
servicing your area which may have been caused by a recent system upgrade.
Please dial <your # here> and listen for three distinct tones. Dial this
number direct, without using a calling card or any star codes as these may
disrupt the test. If you do NOT hear three tones after ten seconds then dial
'9' (touch tone or pulse) and leave a message requesting service to your
line, you will not be charged extra for requesting this service. We
apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.
<Some signature
of a higher up.>
This letter is meant only for a template, if you can think of
something better then by all means, use your idea. Remember, the more
official you can make it look, the better, so don't write this up in ink and
hand print the address on the envelope.
Now if you use the above example then you will want to set up an
answering machine with "three distinct tones." Generate them with your
computer, a tone dialer, whatever, just make sure that they are loud and
clear. I would suggest you use a second line to do this (such as your data
line, just stay off the modem for a few days) in case your primary line gets
tied up with telemarketers, relatives, etc...
With a little luck, your target will call your number and discard the
letter. Now I'm not saying that this is risk free. Your target may get
suspicious and do some further investigating, which is something that you
don't want to happen, so don't try this on paranoid types like you and I.
This is another reason to use a line dedicated for your modem: If he ever
calls again then he will just get a constant ring or busy if you're online.
Another idea is to give the number of a friend that has callerID
that you always hang out with. Just drop by his house peruse his callerID
history, (DO NOT lead on that you know anything about a guy calling for some
test number.)
Good luck!
----Cronie

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Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1993 23:50:32 -0500
From: James Barnett <spingo@Panix.Com>
SCRATCH
Issue #1
spingo@panix.com
J. BARNETT
28 NORTH AVENUE
NEW ROCHELLE NY 10805
WRITE
Well, anyway, here we are at the first issue and it's 10:30 and I'm
still at work, scamming some machine time. I've been wanting, itching,
etc. to have a zine for a while... It seems that in the last few weeks
various occurrences have neatly coincided, like when all the planets
are in your house in astrology or something. So here we are. One of
the things that kept me from doing something sooner was the idea that
you sort of had to have a focus to do a proper zine. I got over it. I
found a new desire and enjoyment in rambling about whatever seems
appropriate at the time. So here we are. Are you comfortable? Here,
sit down and relax. Can I get you something to drink?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Intro
Once, spurred on by a magazine-and-freelance-writing course in college
(Hi, Gail!) and again recently, I thought I might be a writer, at
least part-time. The difference is then I wanted to make some money,
and now I just wanna write whatever comes into my head. I think I have
some valid thoughts that may be of interest to others, and also I
wanted to have something to trade cool zines instead of just sending
money. Bingo, zine time. For Scratch, I'm just gonna ramble about
what's on my mind. Sometimes it'll organize itself into little
packages, but if not, well, I'm not gonna worry about it. A couple of
years ago, I put out a music zine with two friends of mine, Lisa
Taylor and Andy Stevens (who now publishes GULP, which you should send
for IMMEDIATELY! See the plug at the end of the reviews for info). It
ended after two years because we were trying really hard to put out a
marketable product, and there was just too much work to be fun. And it
lost a lot of money. It was a great experience all told; I learned
tons of stuff, stuff that you just don't learn unless you actually go
out and DO it, forget about college courses.
I also put out two issues of an Amiga zine the spring before
last, when I was unemployed and spending ALL of my time holed up in my
mother's house, too broke to do much of anything except to dig in to
Deluxe Paint up to my elbows and mess with some animation. I got some
work, moved out, bought a Mac IIci, sold the Amiga to help finance my
trip to Europe last summer. Either issue of Naugahyde is yours for the
asking, and any of the 4 issues of Now what, the music zine, are, say,
$1, which'll just about cover postage. No, with stacks of 'em still in
the closet, I'm not worried about making any money on 'em. Maybe I'll
get together a mail-order ad together...
Now I'm back at my Mom's, staying here 'til I get the proverbial
money saved up. I read in the Atlantic that a whole lot of us mid-20's
types still live at home, so at least I have company, but I still kind
of feel like a loser for it, y'know? Especially having already moved
out once. I didn't intend to move back when I got back from London for
very long, but the $700 I left behind to get a new place just wasn't
exactly enough to move into a new place. I also caught bronchitis
again and that further slowed up progress. (At my old job, one of the
editors called one of the art department a speed bump. That's what
bronchitis was for me, a speed bump.) Last time I came back from
London, I caught bronchitis for the first time, and it was much worse.
I was in bed for a month and a half, sleeping for four hours, up for
four, that sort of thing. It was awful. And once when I was coughing
really hard, before I knew what I had, I felt something in the back of
my head go click and it scared the fuck out of me. I thought I had
given myself an aneurysm from coughing so hard.
What's happening now? I'm 25. I haven't had a girlfriend proper
in a year and a half or so. I play some guitar with my pal John, whose
band Airlines has a new single out, "Steady Goes," on Quixotic
records. It's pretty good; I do like the song that'll be on their next
one better, something about a Sunday afternoon suicide. I like beer
and records and CDs and comix and zines and books. I have too many of
all of them, great mounds of media everywhere. I usedta work at Elle
magazine, and got stacks of books and CDs from the we're-not-
reviewing-this-so-dig-in pile.
I got a freelance gig at Bridal Guide magazine in NYC, and we
just finished the March/April issue, where you can see your humble
reporter's credit in the masthead as Art Production Manager. I was
kind of excited. Also, they're paying me the most money I've ever
made, and on an hourly basis, which makes it a little more palatable
to work a 55-60 hour week when we're closing an issue. So no matter
what impression you get from the following pages, I really have no
MAJOR reasons to whine. I could be working in Barnes and Noble for a
lot less had I not stumbled into this line of work. What I do for a
living is Macintosh consulting and print production. For Bridal Guide,
I set up pages in Quark Xpress on their Mac Quadra 750, and then send
'em up to the output house that prints out film and sends that to the
printer. It's not exciting, but it doesn't suck too bad at all. I get
to play music all day, at a decent level, and use their machines
(including a COOL color copier/color printer) to do my own stuff after
hours. Like this zine.
Now that I have some money and some free time every 8 weeks or
so, I think I want to do some publishing, like something half-serious
at least, like a literary-type zine or even a real book/magazine, like
the Portable Lower East Side or the Evergreen Review from the 60s,
that kind of thing. I don't know at the moment whether I'd like to try
and get a paperback into the stores or a $2 zine. Why do I feel the
need to do something like this? I feel like I should do my part
artistically; I'm not an incredibly talented writer, but I DO know
enough about publishing, editing and production to put out something
respectable and allow those who do have talent that deserves to get
out there. I'm setting up a kind of thing where I distribute my and my
friends' projects. It's called Spingo World Media, for no real good
reason. I'd be real interested in people sending me stuff that they
want designed and published, like say a small xeroxed book or pamphlet
or something. (Yes, Reyna, like that book of yours I never did. Still
interested?) I'll also carry stuff by other publishers, so send your
stuff along.
So here I am. And here's my zine. Hope you dig it. If you have a
zine, I'll gladly trade ads. If you wanna run a classified ad in the
next printed Scratch, tell you what--they're free. Write me letters,
send me email. Send me your zine, record, homemade tape of balinese
gamelan hard bop. Cool.
J Barnett
January 27, 1993
New York City
(doesn't this look pretentious?)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
MY ZINE DESTINY
I suppose I was destined to have something to do with The Photocopying
Process. My dad fixed Xerox machines for a living and when I was
little, my mom had a string of copy shops along the east coast; some
of my earliest memories are of travelling with her to her stores. In
one of them, there was one of those office-copy-joke things, like "You
Want it WHEN?" In the middle of the page was a circle with the words
"ROUND TUIT" in the center. And underneath the circle was something
along the lines of, "You always put off work until you get a 'round
tuit,' so here, now you have one and have no excuses."
This musta been early- to mid- 70s now, but I can't remember any
pleather jackets or anything. There was a head shop around the corner
from the U of Maryland? Penn? store that I remember going into and
looking at the posters. We used to play pinball at a fast food shop
called Hungry Herman's across the street from the campus, in the same
little mall my Mom's store was in, around the corner from a 7-11 or
something.
One time in nursery school in Maryland, I think, I got in trouble
for drawing on the floor in the tv room with markers from my moms
store. It was the Teddy Bear Nursery School, I think, and I remember
not liking the food. Maybe that's where my vandalism came from?
It's perfectly natural, or at least kinda makes sense that I in
school I went into journalism and then graphic design. Soon, I'll buy
my own copy machine and the cycle will be complete. the one I have my
eye on is a Canon; I wonder what my Dad would say about my lack of
brand loyalty? Ha. I mean, Xerox put me through college, all six
years.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
REVIEWS
This time, most stuff is decent or better 'cause I had to pay for
everything out-of-pocket. Prices below are cover price, which doesn't
mean 'including postage,' so be sure to send something extra. Of
course, if the fanzines themselves said, "send 47" for postage," I
could better represent what to send; you could always first send a
postcard or something, but that's maybe something of a pain in the
butt. For overseas stuff, send an extra $1.50 or $2 for postage. The
dollar-exchange rate abroad blows. And always err on the side of
generosity; most of these kind folk lose money on their publications.
I don't know if it'd be a good idea to send dollars to England or
pounds to the states; apparently IRCs from the post office come in
handy but I don't remember how they work, sorry.
Magazines 'n' Zines
Ablaze! #9
Cool music fanzine, with a, erm, discerning eye to what's worth your
time. And I fundamentally agree with the Ablaze! guidelines to better
living through music, so this mag's a good thing. Not real kind to
what's not good, but not mean either. #8 features Pavement/Fluff
flexi. Both songs are OK. {A4, 56 pages, incl. flexi} #1.90+50p
shipping in UK, #3 overseas?
Flipside #78,
May/June 1992
Long, LONG-running punk mag. In this issue: pirate broadcasting,
Cramps, Nirvana, and Leaving Trains (did YOU know Trains' Falling
James used to be married to Courtney Love?). Tons of live reviews,
columns, ads, etc., etc. More readable than Max. Rock n Roll, too.
{Mag size, a LOT of pages, like easily over 100} $2.50, $4 Europe
Hullabaloo #1
Spring '92
Promising! Handwritten by Laurence, with a Yoko Ono film overview;
Jonathan Richman concert review, sort of; "Saturday Night Fever" and
personal thoughts about life and stuff. {A5, orange Yoko cover, 20
pages} 40p ($2?)
International Travel News
The bulk of this magazine is travel tips in the form of articles and
letters, word-of-mouth from the readers. Though the tips tend to be
aimed at someone a few rungs higher up the travel pricing ladder than
me, it's good to read about a place through a non-professional
writer's eyes. If you got to stay in hotels for free, would you
badmouth 'em? And they'll refund the whole subscription price of you
don't like it. Good deal. {Lettersize, 100 pages} $2 cover, $16/year.
Mole #5
L7, Sebadoh, Silverfish, Smog, and Mecca Normal interviews, and a fun
tour diary from George Willard. They're looking for more "underground
xulture" stuff to write about. (Aren't we all?) Send 'em yours.
{Lettersize, 56 pages} $3 (#2?)
N D #16
Art networking mag, hopping quite nimbly from mailart to cassettes to
musicians to computer networks to video. Contact addresses, audio,
video and publication reviews, and mailart events listings. A good
place to start for the network newbie, a good place to keep up with
stuff them who's into it. {Slightly-bigger-than-half-legal size, 64
pages} $4 postpaid. Overseas, $10/2 issues Europe, $11/2 issues Japan,
Australia, other.
Option #45
This issue has Pavement, a terrible Dino Jr. talk-to-the-family-cause-
J-can't-speak piece, Television Personalities, Lee "Scratch" Perry,
Holger Czukay from Can. Editor Mark Kemp does a good interview with
Yoko Ono, but looks like he deserves to live in L.A.. in the annoying
t-shirt ad. I hate to say it, but I used to like it better than I do
now. {146 pages} $3.50, $36/6 issues trans-atlantic air
Paradiso
Actually two zines, This rare treat and Mcintyre, in a package and a
nice one at that.
This rare treat: a really nice "latino summer feel," as the man says,
to this, and very impressive simple design.
Mcintyre: {A5 2-color xerox, Mcintyre 32 pages, This rare treat 28
pages} #1 ($3?), unless you're buying it at Rough Trade shop; then
it's #1.50. Bastards. And Eddie of Mcintyre and his pal know their
beer.
Perturbed #6
Norm-from-Cheers cover, Lilac Time, Go-Betweens and Dexys. But the
main and best part are the often-hilarious, really fucking funny
'interviews' and 'lyrics' from pop stars known and un-. I laffed lak a
fool. {A5, 24 pages} #?
Recoil #5
Gives odds on the length of the Kurt+Courtney marriage duration: 3
months 2P5; More than 2 yrs, 150P1. {A4, 32 pages} #1
Reign of Toads Vol. 2, #1 Summer 1992
OK, I'm in the contributing staff box this issue, but I still think
this is the best general-interest type zine I've seen. Comix, used
book reviews (ahem) and some mini-comix by Kyle thrown in (to my
envelope, anyway). Not to mention the Braineater comix of Generic
Mike: god to many, friend to all. {Digest size, 66 pages} $4, checks/
MOs payable to Kyle Silfer. Ad trades encouraged.
Sunny Sundae Smile #1, Summer '92
Well, they're enthusiastic and not without humor, I'll give 'em that,
but to be honest the "Do You Make Other Indie Kids Jealous?" quiz had
me hoping there was an element of irony here. The two indie word
puzzles and "indiescopes" give me doubts, though. {Letter size, 24
pages}
Trouser Press #27, April 1978
Long Pete Townshend interview (white jumpsuit and Doc Martens period);
lukewarm review of Wire's first LP; Devo and Rich Kids; and Ira
Robbins' Power Pop Primer. Dated, but a neat artifact. Ever see the
Trouser Press Record Guide? It's pretty great; the latest edition came
out this year.
{Lettersize, 64 pages} $1.25 cover, 50p at Music & Video Exchange,
Notting Hill Gate
Your Flesh #25
Christ, zines like this make me feel stupid. Usually American, zines
like Your Flesh and Forced Exposure (possibly my fave ever), with
their fucking SMART writers and their extensive knowledge of music and
underground culture-type stuff make me feel small, like maybe I
shouldn't be wasting my time with this zine. Well, the music they know
so much, admittedly, I don't have much time for, and well, fuck I have
as much right to put out a zine as the next guy, so fuggit. Still,
pick this up. This issue features (Tell Us What You) Hatepoll '91
results, Leonard Cohen, Sub Pop photog Charles Peterson, cool poet
Andrei Codrescu+ more. {Lettersize, 136 pages, well designed} $3.95 US
#2.35 UK.
COMIC
Lux & Alby #1
Disappointing comics version of, count 'em, THREE good 'cult' novels
by Martin Millar: Milk, Sulphate and Alby Starvation, Lux the Poet,
and Ruby and the Stone Age Diet (all pub. by Fourth Estate). This
comic, however, with art by Simon Fraser, is just a bad, confusing
mishmash of Millar's characters, with horsey lettering to boot. Buy
the books, if you can find 'em. {32 pages}
#1.50 (Acme Comics)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
ADDRESSES
Ablaze! Magazine 17 Wetherby Grove, Leeds LS4 2JH, England. Phone
0532-781-125
Acme Comics 11 Marshalsea Road, London SE1 1EP England. Checks/POs
payable to Acme Comics Ltd.
Beet c/o Joe Maynard, 372 Fifth Avenue, Brooklyn, NY 11215
Flipside P.O. Box 60790, Pasadena CA 91116, USA. Catalog available for
one US 29" stamp or IRC.
Hullabaloo Laurence, 188 Thirsk Rd., Borehamwood, Herts WD6 5BD,
England
International Travel News Subscription Department, 520 Calvados Ave.,
Sacramento, CA 95815 USA. (800) 366-9192 8amP5pm Pacific time,
Amex/Visa/MC only
Mole P.O. Box 5033, Herndon, VA 22070
N D PO Box 4144, Austin, Texas 78765, USA
Paradiso:
This rare treat Jon, 8 Patch Meadow, Cheadle, Stoke on Trent,
Staffordshire, ST10 1PX, England
Mcintyre 45 Lowfield Road, Anlaby, Hull, HU10 7BS, England
Perturbed SDUC, Lampeter, Dyfed, Wales SA48 7ED, UK (Well, on the last
page it sez this address is good til July '92; I'd send an exploratory
postcard or letter first, if I were you. Which I'm not.)
Recoil 39 Nicolas Rd, Chorlton, Manchester M21 1LG, England
Reign of Toads P.O. Box 66047, Albany, NY 12206 USA. Phone (516) 462-
6397
Sunny Sundae Smile 250 Hutton Street, Jersey City, NJ 07307
Your Flesh P.O. Box 583264, Mpls. MN, 55458-3264 USA. (612) 822-9152
============= + ====================================== +
=================
This is a plug for the fantastic zine GULP. Issue #5 is available now,
and inside its hallowed walls dwell comics, stories, poems, and other
stuff you need to see. Plus, the first 107 have limited edition
linocut covers printed by me and Andy.
Send $2 to Andy Stevens, 21 Main Street, Binghamton, NY 13905.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
THE GOING BALD CLUB FOR MEN
Yeah, fuck, I'm startin' to go a little thin on top. I hate to admit
it, but it's starting to become visible. The hairline started inching
back when I was 21 or so, but the remaining stuff stayed pretty thick
'til the last couple months, when it started to get this fucked up
frizz texture; upon closer examination the spaces between the roots
were gettin' a little bigger. It's not really noticeableI yet. But
it's the realization that it's actually fucking happening that fuckin'
eats away at me. The last couple days this has started to nag at me.
Like, OK, now that the truth is evident, OK, you win, I did lose the
competition, why doesn't it just all fall out instantly already and
save me the fucking worrying? I ride the Metro-North commuter train
into NYC every morning, looking at the middle-aged mens' heads...
"Will I end up like him? Or him, that guy with the big head and the
dumb comb-over?" Nah. I think I'd have enough taste to not sink to
that level of fakery. But let's say I have a little better
understanding of those guys' desperation now. It's not gonna be easy
to avoid the mocking turned in on myself--the "Look! he's BALDING!
Hahahaha!" turned in on myself... Fuck, I'm getting theoretical at
2;30 am.
I have a little while till blatant chromedomedness, but it's
still kinda upsetting knowing I'd look like a complete dick if I tried
to grow my hair out again, to my shoulders like it was in college. I
remember seeing pictures of me with long hair then, and thinking,
"boy, I hope this isn't my Long Hair Phase that I'll just look back on
and say, "yeah, that's when I had long hair, can you imagine? Pass the
Evian." But now Sy Sperling's cruel, cruel hand has smacked me in the
head, like Benny Hill used to do to that little old guy. Sigh. Really,
I'm fully aware I'm whining again; I'm healthy, not horrendously ugly
or skin diseased or anything, but damn anyway. Damn. if you meet me
try not to notice, OK?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
And listen, contributions are certainly welcome, but I have no idea at
all what would be appropriate. Send it along, and we'll see what's
what. And if you have your own zine, e-zine, record label, small
press, video company of your own, by all means send stuff that you
think I'd like, and if I do, I'll review it. Also, I'm gonna be
starting up a so-called "publishing
company" called Spingo World Media, ostensibly to get some of my other
stuff and my friends' stuff out into the world. but I'm real, real
interested in doing stuff with other people.
Send me your stuff, ideas, hopes, dreams, effluvia. Thanks.
Incidentally, the printed version of Scratch #1, which you've just
read, are yours for a trade or $1 or 4 stamps. It's got an OK color
cover, thanks to work. Scratch #2, print version, will be the same
price. Cool.
--
James Barnett
spingo@panix.com

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]=---------------------------------------------------------------=[
Issue One
]=---------------------------------------------------------------=[
This is the premiere issue of The SHiT (Some Hairy Illicit
Testicles)Newsletter, an underground information source, for the
general public. It will be distributed on Blunted Systems iNC (Also
known as Peace Through Anarchy, pTa), at 813/497-3083. We want as
many distro sites as possible. If you would like to become a distro
site, we are accepting ONE per area code. If you are interested in
becoming one, call BSi, and leave the following information.
]=---------------------------------------------------------------=[
BBS Name : _______________________
BBS Number: (___)___-____
BBS Generalization: (Demos / Music / Text / Shareware / Warez)
Modem Speed: (28.8 / 16.8 / 14.4 / 9600 / 2400 / 1200)
Users: ______
Other Dist Site: _____________________________________
]=---------------------------------------------------------------=[
Also, we would like to have an FTP dist site. If you are
interested, please call BSi, as I have no permanent Inet address as
of now..(If someone could provide me with one...:) Free of course :))
Anyhoot, on with the SHiT!
]=---------------------------------------------------------------=[
How To Buy Weed
To begin buying weed is a complicated process, but needs to be
learned by everyone planning on, and who does smoke pot. Imagine,
what if you had to move suddenly. You would have to start all over
again, getting contacts and shit! Anyhoot. Ok, the first thing you
need to do, is have a rep, or LOOK like you have a rep. If you're a
prep, dork, fag...whatever, no one will sell to you. So, get some
irritated eyes, push people around, get suspended a couple of
times. Ok, second of all, you need to know terms, prices, and where
and who to go to.
Terms
Dime - However much weed you can get for $10. Depends on quality,
where you live, who you get from etc...At least try to get two
joints worth.
Doobage, Green, Pine, Mary Jane, Shit, Cabby, Indo, Chronic, etc - All
terms for weed.
Eigth - 1/8th of an ounce. Should cost $20-$25 on average, less for
shit weed, more for the bomb..:)
Quarter - Quarter bag. Should cost no more than $45-$50.
Joint, J - A marijuana cigarette, the most common way of ingesting
the kind herb.
Bong - A device for smoking marijuana, usually filled with water, to
filter out some carcinogenic substances in the smoke.
Bowl, Pipe - A simple pipe-like device with a screen, to smoke
marijuana in.
Pocus - Bad weed.
Da Bomb - Good weed.
Who To Look For
Look around when ye'r in suspension. Look for people who
look/smell/talk like they smoke weed. Try to start talking to
them. As long as you don't look like you'd narc, they'd probably
sell to you. The key is to talk like you know what you're talking
about. Anyways, that's about it. Now, you're on your own.
]=-------------------------------------------------------------------=[
How To Get Porno Gifs (Or, Porn For Kids)
Ok, getting those porno files is fairly easy. All you have to
do is get a Credit Card Number Generation Program (call BSi), a
computer with a monitor and gif viewer, modem, and the cashola to
pay the phone bill.
First, invest in a 14.4. It will save alot of YOUR money, and
waste more of THEIRS! Next, generate a list of CC Numbers. Keep
this handy. Next, get an issue of PC Magazine or something similar,
and look up the BBS section. Some BBS's that I suggest are Lace
(818-709-4275, VERY high quality pix, but BIG, and axess gets lost
QUICK), Event Horizons (1-800-466-6336, VERY high quality pix, VGA
movies w/ sound, 800 NUMBER!, axess HARD to get <Have to call VOICE>
and gets lost QUICK), Fantasia (714-579-7022, poor quality pix, but
if you fake a girls name, you get free axess, and the accts last
LONG). All these BBS's have high speed modems, so...
Anyhow, now, all you need to do, is log on as NEW, put in a
bunch of not TOO fake shit (don't make it obvious that the info is
false), and put in a cc number, and make up a exp date (All this
shit can be made up, since MOST don't check up on this). Now, you
have FREE axess to PAY boards. Neet, huh?
P.S. This also works for Internet Services, such as Delphi, and
Bix. However, I think that I personally hacked so many accts on
there, that the only way I can get the accts validated now is by
calling the 800 number to sign up (ANI, ouch..), but, it works.
]=-----------------------------------------------------------------=[
Interesting 800 Numbers!
8oo Extenders. 328-21XX <50-99>
800.328.2150 = Good Morning America <For recipies>
800.328.2151 = Custom Trucking Company
800.328.2153 = No Answer
800.328.2153 = Hello?
800.328.2155 = No Answer
800.328.2161 = Call Interactive Message Update
800.328.2163 = No Answer
8oo.328.2166 = Carrier
8oo.328.2168 = Dental Floral something
8oo.328.2171 = Hoosier Lottery Update Program
8oo.328.2173 = Dog Training
8oo.328.2174 = Telematic
8oo.328.2179 = Medic Alert
8oo.328.2181 = Jack Marden Associates
8oo.328.2182 = Winona Daily News
8oo.328.2183 = Disconnected
8oo.328.2184 = Flower Box
8oo.328.2187 = Harry Foss Company
8oo.328.2188 = Carrier <Fax>
8oo.328.2189 = Answering Service
8oo.328.219o = Comb <real dicks, they won't hang up>
8oo.328.2192 = Carrier <Modem>
8oo.328.2193 = No Answer
8oo.328.2194 = Aeorfreight Express
8oo.328.2195 = No Answer
8oo.328.2197 = Command Corportation
]=-----------------------------------------------------------------=[
Shitty Shirts!
Pretty soon, we're going to get some SHiTTY SHiRTS printed up,
available exclusively to our readers/distributors. The graphix on
the front will most likely be drawn by a commercial artist friend of
mine, and the concept will be similar to this. A hick on the front,
shoveling some shit, with the BSi Logo on the Left Chest, and on the
back, big font "I Shovel Shit, And I'm Proud", for distributors, and
a little kid, playing in a pile of shit, BSi Logo on the front, and
on the back, big font "I Play With Shit, And I'm Proud." Of course,
a list of all distribution sites w/ numbers & sysops will be
included on the back of these shirts. They will cost somewhere
between $10-$15. Anyone who may be interested in these, please
leave me mail on BSi, or see me sometime on IRC, I hang out in
#hack, #phreak, #2600, and on occasion #warez, just for the laughs.
I'm usually on weekends, between 1-4 am. Anyhow, I won't be
skimming any money off the tops of these shirts, so whatever the
printer charges, that will be your price! SHiT, DiRT CHEAP!
]=--------------------------------------------------------------=[
Some SHiTTY Sites!
blunted.systems.inc - 813-497-3o83 - Waffle 1.65 - All Text, Virii,
and H/P/C/A/Q/R/S/T/U/V...and the rest..:)
]=--------------------------------------------------------------=[

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<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ͻ
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Volume One, Issue One.
July 19, 1993 AD
Table Of Contents:
I) The Lamer Crackdown, How to Find And Disrupt a CTSA Meeting.
By Sunstriker
II) Advanced Shoplifting Techniques 101.
By Red Phoenix
III) Enhancing Your Soundblaster's Potential.
By Plague
IV) Phun With Revenge Techniques.
By Sunstriker
V) How to Properly Conduct a Satanic Ritual.
By Studmuffin (VAS 0892)
VI) Ballad Of A Pirate, a Creative Endeavor.
By Tommy The Cat
As This is our First Issue of SPETZNAS, we hope that you will enjoy it to a
great degree. Such Valuable information is Contained Herein. We wanted to
create a Mag that you could sit down with your Mom, Dad, and Family and read
over Breakfast. Hope we Succeeded.
SPETZNAS is Currently Taking Applications for the Following Positions:
Writer, Courier, HEAD COURIER COORDINATOR, Dist Site, And Programmer.
Anyone interested in any of the Following Positions should Call
The Spetznas WHQ (The Bad Board 512-928-2477 9600+) and leave
Mail For Sunstriker regarding the Magazine and what you can do.
YES, an Application Generator is Coming, give us a Break, this
Is the FIRST issue.
==============================================================================
How to Find and Disrupt a CTSA Meeting
( The Lamer Crackdown )
Sunstriker here, with a message to everyone that's sick of
lamers, and wish they would just pack up their bulletin boards
and apogee games and restrict their computing time to the message
bases of Prodigy.
We will be working on just pissing the lamers off, for now. Later
we will move to bigger and better plans, such as REAL names and
if they piss us off then their phone numbers to so you can give
your repetitive annoyance dialer program something to do..
First off, Lamers run rampant in Austin. If you dont live in Austin
then you are one lucky Fuck. Austin Sux Dix. There is NO area Code
in the United States with More Lamers than Austin. Myself, I
personally have anywhere from 10-15 new lamers who somehow get the
number to my bbs call and get deleted by the New User Voting EVERY
day of the week. Why is that you wonder? Well see there is this
Fat Fuck named RETSOF (his Real name is John Foster and I fucked
his daughter)..and see, this RETSOF guy works for some lameo Chip
manufacturing company here locally. Well, he comes home from work
every day about 4:30pm and starts Modemin'. He is a BiModem Finatic
who likes to go around and tell everyone how he Writes and keeps
track single handedly of the Austin BBS list. Did you ever wonder
how any ONE person could manage that by themselves? Well, I did, but
that is before I met the guy. He does NOTHING but BBS. Period. He
has NO idea what the Acronym H/P/A/V/C stands for. He likes to eat
a lot of sweets, but he is a diabetic. He would like to have some
sex every once in a while I'm sure, but someone told me he cant.
That is a perfect example of a lamer. Someone who has never been to
Mardi Gras or 6th Street or a k00l Club. Someone who has never dated
a woman with measurements less than 40x40x40. Sad isnt it?
Now, On to how Lamers get together. CTSA is the Central Texas Sysop's
Association, and they are really pathetic. They are all members of
FidoNot and collect games with Commander Keen and get really excited
when they are the one on the block who gets 0-1 day releases of
DSZ.COM. It is sad to be a CTSA member, but they do make the best
possible people to fuck with on a regular basis.
Disrupting CTSA: everyone who cares can go crash a CTSA meeting.
CTSA meets the second thursday of every month at the Chris Cole
auditorium at the texas school for the blind. that's on the 4800
block of N. Lamar. Here is a map:
Oh yea..Thats in Austin...But as we all know every City has a Lamer
bbs group of some type, so send us a map to your local lamer meeting!
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hope that helps.
Do phun things when you go to a CTSA meeting! Be Sure to wear your
ToNe-LoC t-shirt that you got from Minor Threat at the CTSA meeting.
That is good for starters. Go to the meeting Stoned too, that way
you can laugh at the discussion and maybe they will try to kick you
out. Eat a lot of Taco Bell Bean Burritos (get the ones with GREEN
sauce) at least 1 hour before you go to the meeting. The results, if
you do this in a group of 5 or more, will be splendid.
Be sure to bring your plastic Vomit you bought in the 5th grade. Lamers
usually have never seen things like this and are sure to react with
great deals of hysteria.
Get someone to bring a book of matches to the meeting. Set off the Smoke
alarm. This is good when you have had enuff and are ready to end the
meeting and go back home and fuck your girlfriend.
Dont take a bath for 1 week before the meeting, and go joggin or
something immediately prior to the start. This will also aid in the
rapid digestion and air disbursement caused by the Taco Bell mentioned
earlier!
Make a smoke bomb. All you need is 1/2 Sugar and 1/2 salt pewter melted
together with a fuse.
Light up cloves cigarettes during the meeting. Most of the lamers will
think it is Marijuana, since they have no idea what the shit really
smells like. This is sure to get a reaction.
Call in a bomb threat at the location. Good for some quick amusement.
Fuck man, there are THOUSANDS of things you can do to disrupt a CTSA
meeting. For that matter, you could use MANY of these things at any
lamer meeting there is. Have phun!
Anyway, that just about wraps it up for this segment. Oh, by the
way if you do something special, like crash or destroy a lamer
board tell us so we can publish about it. thanx
===============================================================================
Advanced Shoplifting 101
-=By Red Phoenix=-
Have you ever wanted to shoplift something, but your a total pussy and are
afraid to? If so, get another mag..
Technique 1
This technique is very safe, but not very effective..Find the item you want to
buy, and take it to an isle that noone else is shopping at. Rip off the
sticker that has the price on it. The item you are buying
should be of an uncommon nature... something like a pack of lighters. Now
look for an item that is about 50% the price of what you want. Rip of the
sticker, and put it on the item you want. Then buy it... in the worst case
scenario, they'll scan (or ring-up, as they call it for some reason) the item
and find that the price is wrong. They think they accidentally put the wrong
price on it.. In the best (and most common) case, they just charge you the
sticker value, and you get it at half price. This works especially well at
Eckerds, because for some reason the employees there are dumb as shit..
Don't bother trying this on something that the clerks check out all the time,
like packs of gum. This technique has great potential though. For example:
At a place like Walmart, where they have a computer dept. but no
computer-literate employees, you can take the sticker off a package of a
1x9x70ns simm. Then you stick it on one with 4 simms... Since most people in
the electronics department just buy nintendo games, the people there don't
know shit about computers. If they happen to ring it up, they just think they
mis-priced it.
Technique 2
This is a very simple, yet uncommon technique. Goto a store, and buy a pack
gum or something.. ask for a bag. Walk out. Put some crap in your bag,
so it looks almost full. Then goto another store, find what you want, take it
to some isle where noone is shopping, and take the item out of its package.
Stick it in your bag. Then just walk out. In the worst case scenario, the guy
there wants to search your bag. Fine... he'll just find some shit, none of
which has the stores price tags. He can't do crap. But in most cases, they
won't suspect you.. Some places, especially convenience stores, don't let
your bring in bags from other stores, they make you give them to them while
you're in the store.
Shoplifting pointers:
It's so damn easy. Walk into an isle and just look all around you. If you
can't see anyone, they can't see you. Just grab something and shove it in
your pockets. Period. Walk right out.
Always find a safe place within the store to take something out of the
package. If you are alone, without an accomplice, make sure it's a place
with a good vantage point. Another is to go to the toy section, and plunge
your hands into the bin of toys while you rip of the package. If you have
a friend, this is a null point.
Take your time. Don't look guilty or nervous.
Most super-store type places have cameras.. So just in case, don't go to the
store for at least 2 weeks. I recommend a month. Do a quick scan for cameras
upon entry of the store.. As long as it's not pointing right at you while
you pocket the item, it doesn't really hurt you. Unless you get caught that
is..
===============================================================================
ENHANCING YOUR SOUND CARD'S POTENTIAL
---------------------------------------
One of the greatest things about my pc is the sound that comes from
it. When I bought my audio card I was only thinking abuot the digital sound
effects that I could get from it. I didn't really care about music or
anything else.
In the past few months, my games have been getting boring. I'm tired
of the same old sounds. My MODS are sucky now. I wanted something that
would blow me away. Sure there's good music in my games and MODS...but I
am tired of hearing them. So I decided to make it a little more interesting.
Using my card's audio jack...I hooked up some cables to my bass amp. The
shit is kick ass. I can put it up to full blast and get no static or anything
from my puny Koss speakers. The amp is totally kick ass and I am never tired
of listening to it.
Some soundtracks and MODS are scratchy on computer speakers. That is
either because your speakers SUCK or you need a bass amp. With an amp hooked
up you can exeed your regular speaker's volume limit's by up to 200% And an
amp can take a fucking shitload more pressure than regular speakers. If you
turn them up to full, they sometimes crackle and you risk popping out a part
or some shit. An amp is a BUTLOAD better than that.
Here's how to do it:
-------------------
Requirements -
- audio card with standard audio hookup jack
- bass amp
- regular speakers (must use these if you want to maintain
the treble)
- audio connector (if planning to use regular speakers)
- audio cable with split end on one side (red,white)
First, unplug your regular speakers. Replace the speaker wire with
the audio cable. Run the red end of the cable into the bass amp. Don't
plug in the white end if you plan to hook up the regular speakers. Plug the
white end into the audio connector. Plug the regular speaker into the other
side of the audio connector. (by the way you can get this at any Radio Shack)
Turn the amp on and the regular speaker (If you don't turn on the
regular speakers you won't be able to hear shit). Now go play a MOD or
something. It's KICKASS!!!!!!!
by Plague (1993)
===============================================================================
-=Good Revenge Ideas for Beginners=-
Collected by Sunstriker
This phile is dedicated to all those people you want to get revenge on.
The ideas herein have been gathered from various elite mags over the
years and are here together for you to enjoy all at once.
1] Find out what the person loves, and go after that. If its his car, you can
shoot out the windows with a bb gun, slash his tires, get inside his car
and slice up the interior, pour hydrochloric acid on his paint and on the
inside, strip the interior of his dashboard, pop his hood and start removing
parts at random.
If its his motorcyle, take the whole thing apart into a million pieces,
spread them all over the parking lot, then leave a note on the one piece
you leave saying "Hey lets play the find-my-motorcyle-parts game". Of
course you will be a sport and just throw away a few important pieces so
if he does eventually find it "all" he wont be able to put it back together.
2] Frame him. Here are a few things you can do to get him in serious troubles.
Give yourself a lawnjob, then get his license plate, and tell the cops you
saw a car with this license plate driving away off your lawn. This will
usually get him a vandalism charge if he has no alibi.
Put some roadkill in his backyard, and a bloody baseball bat. Now call the
humane society and say you have seen your neighbor beating down animals
and leaving them there.
Get his license plate, and report him to the highway patrol and say that
you saw him throw a bunch of garbage out his window. A $500 fine if they
find him guilty.
I have heard that enough anonymous tips to the local police can get a drug
raid or at least a careful time-consuming investigation on a person.
Call the cops and report the car as being stolen when you know he is driving
around.
If hes at the mall going out to his car, call mall security and say some guy
is breaking into your car and hotwiring it. They will chase him down and
give him a real hard time.
3] Threaten Him. Hire lots of big Hells Angels or other large people to start
fights with him, or find some psycho people who will stay up all night prank
calling him telling they are going to slash his fucking throat. This is one
of my favorites. The police will be spending a lot of time with him if
he is the paranoid type.
Get a posse' of blacks and tell them he is the local KKK grand wizard.
4] Place classified ads in the paper for him. Of course he wont know anything
about such ads as the following.
In the men seeking men in a local dateline paper:
GWM 21 seeking other male lovers to share in ultimate passion. I enjoy
KY Jelly, Jello Baths, And Soap-on-a-Rope. Call Rob at xxx-xxxx.
In the auto classifieds:
1991 Ferarri Testarossa In perfect condition, Kenwood stereo system,
New Pirelli's.*$1000* or best offer. Must sell fast. Call Joe at xxx-xxxx
(call after 3a.m.).
In the general classifieds:
Wanted: Your grass clippings. I can use them for various projects, I will
pay you $1 per bag, please deliver them to: dan at xxxxx Retard road,
at the corner of Dumbass and Fucknuts ave. Stop by between 3am and 9am.
5] Magazine subscriptions. You have all seen those damn post-card type things
that fall out of magazines? Simple go to the library , get as MANY as you
can, then mail them all in for him with his adress saying "bill me later".
The sap will wonder why he has all these great magazines for free until
he gets like ten thousand dollars worth of magazine bills.
6] Order some pizzas for him. Make sure to get ones that NOBODY eats and also
that you call at LEAST 5 different pizza places. This ensures that adequate
portions are delivered, and that your victim will KNOW it is not a mistake.
7] Call the funeral home. Tell them you are [insert victim name] and that your
mother just passed away. Tell them you want a hearse sent over to pick her
Body up ASAP. They will arrive within an hour at most times.
8] Have 7-8 wreckers sent to his house on a reported dead battery.
9] Send him dead roses.
10] Call the Jehovas Witnesses and tell them you are [insert victim name] and
you would like it if a group of their ministers would come to your house.
They will arrive within 24 hours. Always.
11] Go buy a pound of Shrimp at the st0re. Sneak to his car at night and
place the shrimp in his hubcaps. This one works best in mid July or August
when the heat permeates to a high degree. The odors created by this act
are just lovely.
12] Call news papers, and adverise an arctile similar to this: "You too can
call free through MCI, ITT, and other long distance services just by
making a local call. For more information, send a self-adressed
stamped envlope to:(fill in name and adress with zip code)" After this
has appeared in the papers, inform your local FBI agent or police
officer of his ad.
13] You can also advertise an ad like this: "Apple //e,
128k, 2 disk drives, Amdek Color 3 Monitor, Hayes Smartmodem 1200, and
much more. $750 or best offer. (phone number)".
14] Call every damn lamer PD board you can find and post his Fone number
as the number of a NEW adult BBS with 1.6 gigs of porno shit and no
ratios. His number will be changed within 3 days most likely after you
do this one.
15] Call answering machines,(just look up any number in the book) and
give the persons number and tell them to call right away. Also during
the day you can look up people in the phone that have a "Mr. and Mrs."
there, and the wife will probably be home, but not the husband, so tell
the wife to tell the husband to call your victim as soon as possible
and give number.
16] Call Taxi's, Exterminators, Pizza deliverys, Catorers,
Garages, Plumers, Dog Funeral Homes, Flower and Ballon deliverys,
Moving Services, Singing and Striptease telegrams, Junkyards to remove
garbage, report robberies and fires at his/her house, Locksmiths, order
oil from several companies (heating oil), order family portraits taken
at their home, sign him/her up for the army, call realtors to put house
for sale, Septic cleaners, house remodelers, call Bell + tell you are
having with phone, call cable company, and call phone sex lines that
call back and give his number to call back. Order plane tickets, send
brochures of all shit like colleges, beauty schools, and all other
things that send info. On their place, and adress it to:"DICK" and his
last name.
17] Get a library card out his name, and take out books and don't return.
18] Take weed killer, and pour it on his flower garden and yard or put
our initials on his front yard with it so it will show up with dead
grass.
19] And if all else fails... Give his Fone Number to Kawasaki Ninja Dude.
===============================================================================
-=How to Properly Conduct a Satanic Mass, By Studmuffin=-
( V.A.S. 08/1992 )
NOTES WHICH ARE TO BE OBSERVED BEFORE BEGINNING RITUAL:
1. Person performing ritual stands facing the altar and symbol of
Baphomet throughout ritual, except when other positions are
specifically indicated.
2. If posible, altar should be against the west wall.
3. In rituals performed one person the role of priest is not
required. When more than one person is involved in the
ceremony, one of them must act as priest. In a private ritual the
sole performer follows the instructions of the priest.
4. Whenever the words "Shemhamforash!" and "Hail Satan!" are spoken by
the person acting as priest, the other participants will repeat
the words after him. The gong is struck following the other
participants' response to "Hail Satan".
5. Conversing (except within the context of the cerimony) and smoking
are prohibited after the bell is rung at the beginning, until
after it is again rung at the end of the ritual.
6. The book of Belial contains the principles of Satanic magic and
ritual. BEFORE attempting the rituals in The Book of Leviathan,
it is impeprative that you read and understand the complete Book
of Belial. Until you have done so, no degree of success can be
expected from the thirteen steps which follow.
THE THIRTEEN STEPS
1. Dress for ritual.
2. Assemble devices for ritual; light candles and shut out all
outside light sources; place parchments to right and left of
altar as indicated.
3. If a woman is used as the altar she now takes her position - head
pointing south, feet pointing north.
4. Purification of the air by ringing of the bell.
5. "Invocation to Satan" and "Infernal Names" which follow are now
read aloud by priest. Participants will repeat each infernal name
after it has been said by priest.
6. Drink from chalice.
7. Turning counter-clockwise, the priest points with the sword to
each cardinal point of the compass and calls forth the respective
Princes of Hell: Satan from the south, Lucifer from the east,
Belial from the north and Leviathan from the west.
8. Perform benediction with the phallus (if one is used).
9. Priest reads aloud appropriate invocation for respective cerimony:
Lust, Compassion, or Destruction.
10. In the case of a personalized ritual this step is extremely
important. Solitude is compatible with the expressing of the most
secret desires, and no attempt to "hold back" should be made in
the acting out, verbalizing, or casting of images pertaining to
your desires. It is at this step that your "blueprint" is drawn,
wrappeed, and sent off to the recipient of your working.
(A) To Summon One For Lustful Purposes Or Establsh A Sexually
Gratifying Situation.
Leave the area of the altar and remove yourself to that place,
either in the same room or without, that will be msot conductive to
the working of the respective ritual. Then, fashion whatever imagery
you possibly can that will parallel in as exact a way as possible the
situation towards which you strive. Remeber, you have five senses to
utilize, so do not feel you must limit your imagery to one. Here are
devices that may be employed (either alone, or in any combination):
a. graphic imagery such as drawings, paintings, etc.
b. written imagery such as stories, plays, descriptions
of desires and eventual outcome of same.
c. acting out the desire in tableu or playlet, either as
yourself or portraying the role of the object of your
desire, using any devices necessary to intensify imagery.
d. any odors relative to the desired person or situation.
e. any sounds or background noises conductive to a strong
image.
Intense sexual feeling should accompany this step of the
ritual, and after sufficient imagery is obtained, as strong an
orgasm as is possible should serve as a climax to this step. This
climax should be attained using any masturbatory or auto-erotic means
neccessary. After orgasm is obtained, return to the location of the
altar and proceed with step #11.
(B) To Insure Help Or Success For One Who Has Sympathy Or Compassion
(Including Yourself).
Remain in close proximity of the altar and with as vivid a
mental image as possible of the person you wish to help (or intense
self-pity), state your desire in your own terms. Should your emotions
be genuine enough, they will be accompanied by the shedding of tears,
which should be allowed to flow without restraint. After this exercise
in sentiment is completed, proceed to step #11.
(C) To Cause The Destruction Of An Enemy.
Remain in the area of the altar unless imagery is more easily
obtained in another spot, such as in the vicinity of the victim.
Producing the image of the victim, proceed to inflict the destruction
upon the effigy in the manner of your choice. This can be done in
the following ways:
a. the sticking of pins or nails into a doll representing
your victim; the doll may be cloth, wax, wood, etc.
b. the creation of graphic imagery depicting the method of
your victim's destruction; drawings, paintings, etc.
c. the creation of a vivid literary description of your
victim's ultimate end.
d. a detailed soliloquy directed at the intended victim,
describing his torments and annihilation.
e. mutilation, injury, infliction of pain or illness by proxy
using any other means or devices desired.
Intense, calculated hatred and disdain should accompany this
step of the cerimony, and no attempt should be made to stop this
step until the expended energy results in a state of relative
exhaustion on the part of the magician. When this exhaustion ensues,
proceed to step #11.
11(a). If requests are written, they are now read aloud by the priest
and then burned in the flames of the appropriate candle.
"Shemhamforash!" and "Hail Satan!" is said after each request.
11(b). If requests are given verbally, participants (one at a time)
now tell them to the priest. He then repeats in his own words
(those which are most emotionally stimulating to him) the
request. "Shemhamforash!" and "Hail Satan!" is said after
each request.
12. Appropriate Enochian Key is now read by the priest (See the VaS
SaTaN series) as evidence of the participant's allegiance to the
Powers of Darkness.
13. Ringing of the bell as pollutionary, and then the words "So It Is
Done" are spoken by the priest.
===============================================================================
=- Ballad of a Pirate -=
By Tommy The Cat
a shiny new modem, with cables and docs
a shiny new modem, not games or a watch
a brand new 2400, for my 12th birthday
a brand new 2400, not a 1200, no way!
i will call a BBS, and trade games with my friends
i joined some BBS's, oh the fun never ends
then i was everything, with my apogee games
commander keen had saved earth, and I was insane...
with joy and happiness, BBS'ing was so cool
i downloaded a new comm program, and some file management tools
then one day, i get slipped a cool .zip
it contained a commercial program, boy was it hip
the file contained some phone numbers, and some new user
passwords
i'll call up these BBS's, and ditch all the PD bastards
now i'm a pirate, aND i TyPe LiKe THiS
i've got 0-day warez, and i run an elite BBS
now i'm at 14,400, and trading all the cool games
until something happened, on a poor unfortunate day
my BBS got busted, along with all my users
my BBS had been busted, with warez of countless numbers
the feds, they had found me, i had broken the law
they took my computer, and all the floppies they saw
no i owe 1,000 dollars, and 100 hours community service
i was from then on a fellon, and that's even worse
Now it's too late, a lessen i have learned
pirating is no fun, you'll always get burned
Well that about does it for The First issue of SpetzNas. Hope you and your
family enjoyed it. Give us a call at the SpetzNas WHQ via your favorite
Long distance company (g). The Bad Board 512-928-2477 9600+ only!

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"if i could get the president down here, maybe i could get my pipes
cleaned properly."
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number one june 1994
< contents copyright individual authors >
< [except scrytch, see ##--* ] < >
unspecified-- dave meesters, 1994 or other >
__________________________________________________________________
within:
-- hello
-- splinter text
-- special supplement: scrytch
-- colophon
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
HELLO this is the first issue of _splinter_, a journal of text
fragments and broken writing, sound bites and simple indulgences.
we're late and it's a little skimpy this time. hoping that
submissions will pick up after this first issue gets out.
*** a special supplement to this issue of _splinter_ showcases
writing from the "scrytch" on-line collaborative writing project.
find it at the ##--* mark.
SUBMIT to _splinter_ if this looks like your thing. address all
correspondence, submissions, comments, subscription requests (free),
anything to <dave1@gibbs.oit.unc.edu>.
ARCHIVES: this and future issues of _splinter_ will be available via
gopher or ftp at etext.archive.umich.edu, in a directory to be named
later.
thanks to everyone who sent stuff in. can't do it alone.
enjoy.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
a parable >>>>>>>>>
when the man had dug down down all the way through to china, the last
heave of his shovel planted the spade firmly into the tired man's
unsuspecting skull. then he knew that he had reached all the way
through, that he had come out the other side, and the death of the
tired man became symbolic of his descent into the underworld and
reascent into the world of man, a world transformed by his descent.
he was so pleased that he kept the man's teeth on a cord around his
neck for the rest of his days, to remind him of the sacrifices necessary
to accomplish changes in
|
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| |
Received: from chip.ucdavis.edu by gibbs.oit.unc.edu (5.64/10.1)
id AA29527; Sat, 23 Apr 94 04:35:13 -0400 |
Received: by chip.ucdavis.edu (8.6.8/UCD2.50) |
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| |
to = me / sometimes |
| |
| |
entry from journal: |
| |
(car ride through benicia, ca, toxic waste extravaganza) |
somebody singing in their truck. looks like the chorus. my burps smell
like japanese food. i can now eat reasonably well with chop sticks, but
i still hate sushi. last fortune cookie i got said: |
Hell is pave with good intentions. My mother said,"looks like the
sages know." reminds me of the dreams i have where my teeth fall
out in sheets of tooth grit or when my scalp peels off. my spanish
flatmate in england said, "Your life is in decay." and "My mom has that
same problem." | |
| |
my photo prof brings her tibetan bowl to class ... we meditate in
the forest grove and she bings it when we should stop. Yuck. |
I believe in the Buddha who found enlightenment within the people.
which is more difficult? Mountains or people? my other prof, the
artist, the one everyone thought was completely full of shit, found
out last week (after all these years) that he got a degree and a
masters in china, then went to florida state and got another masters
and almost a phd in chinese theory. |
one positive thing to meditate on: |
Someday my features will shrink into the middle of my face, just like
my dads. | |
aaron calls me a forty year old magnet. i can't seem to attract anyone
decent that is even relatively close to my age. the one from the nude
beach said as he pushed the joy stick over to me, "Okay, your turn."
and i said, "No, I suck at these things, I just like to watch."
Then he said, straight into my eyes, "So, we're a voyeur are we?"
I laughed, drank my beer and left. |
| |
| -- wendy chisholm |
| |
|______________________________________________|
00010008476
This is a number which sometimes The green grass is not like your
shows up on screen when you wand face in the winter. Nor is it
over the bar code on my belly. exactly like your face at anytime.
Perhaps with age your face will
disappear. The birds will sing or
|| || || |/ \| || || || talk or make their whatever sound,
|| || ||// \\|| || || and you will still be listening.
|| || |// \\| || || The lipstick is smeared on the
|| || // @ \\ || || woman's lips above slightly. Do
|| || \\ // || || the wrinkles agree with the ground.
|| || |\\ //| || || Intensify the wrinkles. Hard to
|| || ||\\ //|| || || believe the cells are regenerating.
|| || || \\ // || || || Time is ticking. Are we making the
best of it? No time like the
This is my belly bursting through present time. Scattered thoughts
the barcode and stealing away in about a room making the room seem
the night. like a thought gymnasium lockeroom
with the water puddles and the
living fungus growing on the tile
(notcontested,capableofbeing)-ly floors. Not exactly something that
the most advantageous affective needs to be extinguished. This
mental he got it wrong state morning was a perfect morning. The
developed not to ride atop the waking was superb. If the light
dumpster truck or blare from the was any brighter I would not have
steeple to tell us to behideware. believed I was on earth. The
flak that explodes on your chest cooing of the doves was a perfect
cavity just makes you cold and a bit reminder of the existing repetition
silly and who would anesthetize the of the day. I tried to remember
brain? i don't lick the sores something different this morning.
because they taste good, they taste I remembered a dream. The day was
good because i can lick them. short. It was shorter than the day
before. All the clocks were wrong.
-- (name withheld) I tried to fix them all, but had no
control. A few of the clocks were
in arms reach, especially the back.
I could read the words "soft" and
"loud" on the back. I could not get my hand in the correct position to
wind. When I woke up, I thought that waking was the perfect thing to do at
this point...nothing mattered more. Then I remembered what myself had
planned for the day. Planning to be around in things...to do this and
that...perhaps make up a portion of myself to be another portion of myself
to govern the lacky parts of myself and get things straight. Maybe the
parts that would rather organize would like to take a vacation. Not exactly
like walking. A warm breeze isn't exactly like an arctic breeze.
-- John Hudak
*************************
i still seem to find that no matter what i do, no matter what bank i go
to, how many times i move my money around, how many times i stand in
front of the dairy case trying to decide how many percents of what all i
want in my milk, how many times i wince or even just close my eyes or
lower my boom, no matter what the effect of the affect or the destination
of the antecedent, i can no longer transcend being a mere marsupial.
i can no longer transcend being
i can no longer transcend
i can no longer be
i long t be
-------------- --------------
i would very much like to wallow some.
------------------------------------------------
So then, each to each a response can locate - two styles, one proof of the
other's puddingness. This distaff and datstaff kind of mellowhole whizway
will mightily my mind attempt/confuse/confute. And one of you can 'lay out'
almost as if concrete poemsending. I am (continuing) to examine the sortways
in which this spelltwist(ed) universe complies/complicates/disarranges
without careful but and rebutting attention to detail. I am watching myself
watching myself (meanwhile the cloche is running away with the
spoon(erismes). Thanks for the connnection to splinter - that's exactly what
i'm talking about here and always inafter. I shall now attempt a concrete
one:
t h
i s
a
s
gooeyes
as the go
oooohgets!
\ i am now about to exi(s)t!
\
i \ -- david cole, the paumonock traveller.
am \
one big \
run on \
sentence \
consisting of nothing but monosyllables connected with ....'s yelled from the
open window of a yellow bus on the last day of 4th grade rhythmic
vngngngngngng of a pencil scraped across the metal ridges of the
un-upholstered back of the seat mashing in on the spiral spine of the
notebook on my lap encreasing the zipper in my jeans folded arrow to the
treads bottoming my shoes pausing to dig out orange dog shit poking this into
a vinyl brown hole pokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepoke
pokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokily B.O. waddles down the limb narrowed
aisle on bare feet despite which were won busdriver of the year three years
running by Ruby Dillard who tells us all to shut up and me to take names that
i will put many many checks beside if you are my enemy.
-- (name withheld)
..end: splinter text------
_____________________________________________________
/--------------------------------------------------------
//
//
//
\\
|\\ ##--* Special supplement: SCRYTCH
| \\
| |\\ samples from the compost silo of the
| | \\ scrytch (brand) collaborative writing
| | |\\ project, recycling itself through perpetual
| | | \\ iterations.
| | | |\\ scrytchers write, then sift through, appropriate, and
| | | | \\ remix each others' writing in endless new combinations,
| | | | |\\ always adding fresh material to the stew. the result
is a nameless, faceless mulch that is simultaneously end-
product and raw material. the following snippets, though
worthwhile, won't give you a feel for the collaborative nature of
scrytch. if you're interested in seeing/doing more, join the FIXION
mailing list by sending a subscription request to
<fixion-list-request@netcom.com>.
dig.
__________________________
/ \
| the me-that-feels is |
| surrounded by the scar |
/---------------| tissue through which the |
_/ | me-that-cuts is always |
| | cutting. |
| \__________________________/
|
|
____________________\|/____________________________________________________
/ \
quite clearly, something is afoot. two slices of toast, two cups of tea, two
packettes of wiz and the day is set to begin. i gaze out the winder for a
momentary two. eating up the murky morning distance, SOPOPOPAPOPIOPOLIS
shimmies and stretches like the industrial-strength cybermatic alley-kittie it
is. "i could snap your neck like a twig," i whisper. "meow."
step out the front door with an empty shiver in the process of fading to grey;
dawn streets in silent english drizzle; a child's woollen mitten; a dog turd;
\___________________________________________________________________________/
| |
| |
| on the way i meet this Kerrie-Girl, |
| scrytching with the high street hubbub,
| ducking, weaving, sometimes crouching down
listening, sometimes scrytching the
air with her hands, sometimes standing
crane-like, taking it all in. The bits
of barbed wire and razor blades woven into
her prismatic dreads cut the sunlight
into colours that no-one knows the names
of.
| i save off on Flan for the moment, follow
\--- a whim; we go for a walk down the
motorway, six lanes of pure metal speed,
hand in hand down the fast lane facing
/------ the oncoming traffic, horrific pile-ups
| unfolding in our wake:
"You know," she murmurs huskily she is obsessed, livid, feral, nubile.
into my ear, "the world wants "You know what the world wants... and
plastic trolls. It wants TV ----> you know that you'll give it to them...
Dinners, it wants Poppin' Fresh debauched and desperate as you are, no
Dough. It wants neon eyeliner, manner of angel will succor you." she
FuckMe-Red lipstick, Teen Spirit, kills me sometimes. her breath is hot
Gerry Curl. The world wants on my neck. "If an angel came, you'd mash
people dressed as hot dogs." it into cherubic cuteness and sell
\ / it as Fred Meyers. Because you are the
| world {you are the children}. And you
\|/ may not know art, but you know what you
|------<--------<----- like. Don'cha, hhhhhhhhhoney?" and
| she is right.
\|/
|
| {a self-organizing pattern}
|
|
/----------------------------------------------\
| riches and fame belong to pothunting |
| hollywood whitehouse special interest | "Operationalize an
| dicks. it is hidden in an element of fear | individualized apprehension,
| and mystery stuffed deep down in the mattress | with an eye toward a
| on which they sleep. the mattress is | goal-oriented
| propelled upstream by the grunts and screams | instrumentality"
| of people. some of them have forgotten how to |
| exist; when the people remember how to exist | but we constantly,
| some of them sigh and look downstream. when | and in best Human action
| the mattress occasionally comes in contact | typically,
| with the streambed there is explosion and |
| the pothunting hollywood whitehouse special | diverge,
| interest dick comes all over itself like a | converge,
| wet dream. | merge,
| | / emerge
\_____________________________________________|/
as new under the Son
but not new under the Sun
SOPOPOPAPOPIOPOLIS
was intimately connected with all of the dreams
we have given up for lost; it was and is a sort
of "dead-letter-office" for humanity's dreams.
_________________________________________________________________________
| |\
| SO MANY ADJECTIVES! i will not ever find them all in my dictionaries | |
| SO MANY ADJECTIVES! i will not ever find them all in my | |
| dictionaries | |
| I'm NOT FREE... I'm NOT FREE... I AM SO LONEL I AM SO LONELY | |
| SO MANY ADJECTIVES! i will SO MAI NOT FREE...NY ADJECTIVESnot ever | |
| find them all in my dictionaries | |
| I AM SO LONELY I AM SO LONELY | |
| SO MANY ADJECTIVES! i will nSO MANY ADJECTII AM SO LONELYVESot | |
| ever find them all in my dictionaries ! | |
| SO MANY ADI AM SO LONELYJECTIVES! i will not ever find them all | |
| in my dictionaries | |
| I'm NOT FREE...I'm NOT FREE...I'm NOT FREE...I'm NOT FREE...I'm NOT | |
| FREE...I'm NOT FREE... | |
| I'm NOT FREE... SI'm NOT FREE...O MANY ADJECTII AM SO | |
| LONELYVES | |
| SO MANY ADJECTIVES! i will not ever find them all in my | |
| dictionaries ! | |
| I AM SO LONELY SO MANY ADJECTIVES I AM SO LONELY | |
| SO MANY ADJECTIVES! i will not ever find them all in my | |
| dictionaries ! | |
| SO MANY ADJECTIVES! i will not ever find them all in my | |
| dictionarie | |
| I'm NOT FREE... SO MANY ADJECTIVES! i will not ever find | |
| them all in my disctionaries | |
| I'm NOT FREE...I'm NOT FREE...I'm NOT FREE...I'm NOT FREE...I'm NOT | |
| FREE... | |
| SO MANY ADJECTIVES! i will not ever find them all in my | |
| dictionaries | |
| TOO MANY ADJECTIVES! i will not ever find them all in my | |
| dictionaries SO MANY ADJECTIVES! | |
| TOO MANY ADJECTIVES | |
| TOO MANY ADJECTIVES | |
|_______________________________________________________________________| |
\_______________________________________________________________________\|
My apology to the Association will be short and to the point. I can no longer
pretend to uphold the virtues so indicative of the fellowship of my peers.
you are not words. but that is all of you i can see. you are not your
actions... because you wish to exclude your words. you cannot do that, that's
against The Rules. you are no more or less your words that you are your
actions, and In Here, WORDS ARE ACTIONS. steps taken, trax made.
//////////////////////////////////////
// "Formulate a nonverbal clientele" //
//////////////////////////////////////
/--------------------------------------------------\
/ \
| "What we need is a good walking stick," he says \
| over his shoulder, the blood now dried rust down |
| his chin, left from that turgid septic winter |
| when a little force still went a long way. His |
| walking stick, blunted on both ends, lay miles |
| away in his cellar. "We'll never get the necessary |
| penetration that way." |
| |
she's screaming again. shit, i hate it when she does that. she screams and
scratches and curses. she'll be out of it again soon... back to the flacid,
drooling, mewling, pathetic creature she is most of the time. maybe i'll get
some sleep. i light a cigarette, pour another cup of that awful coffee i made
this morning out of spite. we used to take our shots together, you know.
listening to the radio, sitting on the porch, an innertube tied around each
right arm. it was communion, worship, the sun on our faces. sometimes i
cried, it was so good. i was in love. what did i know? i always knew it was
her trip, though. it was always her idea. and now she's gone so far. i don't
take the stuff anymore. i just wipe up the mess. when will she quit that
fucking screaming? it's getting longer and longer...
pour some orange juice into her favorite red mug. some granola and milk in a
milmac bowl. brought you some breakfast, honey.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
the
beautiful moon has been hiding,
obscured by metaphor. the city is here
wanting to take me into its arms. the city says "maam,
are you ok?" i hang up the phone on
the city. there is dignity
in dreaming;
***
*
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"i died with a gypsie once. she was very
good at what she did. she did nothing all day long
but chop her fingernails off with slim knives. she had no fingers.
no hands. but that didn't stop her fingernails from growing long. they grew
from her wrists with the speed of a young fool's death. twisted and tangled
she chopped and screamed. her fingernails tore holes in my chest; blood
trickled and she smiled; blood gushed and she laughed. ranting and raving
she ripped through my body until our gnothings touched; the touch excited me,
i withered; and her nails grew and grew. behind my back they entwined.
became one. the pressure crushed my ribs. my insides dripped out and my
outsides slid in. she caught the bloody, thick spray with her tongue like
snowflakes. i did the same. we consumed ourselves. i loved her. she
raised me; with my toes tickling the sand she made me dance,
and we danced to our scream -- when morning
came i killed her. she fought me; i escaped
with only cuts. when it rains my chest
still aches."
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>--------
|
___________________________|_______________________________
/ \
| the goal here, see, is one that's hounded me for a long |
| time. i really long to fuse each and every style in |
| my immediate grasp into one that i can call my own. i |
| want to fuse the Scholarly Essay with the Core Dump, i |
| want to fuse autobiography with fiction, i want to |
| fuse literature and disposability. that's the only |
| tactic i can conceive of in response to my |
| surroundings. that's the only way i can think of the |
| get a fix within the flux. |
\___________________________________________________________/
| |
| "it all started that sunday night, o so long |
| ago... the words had refused to admit |
| static. every stream of letters and |
| numerals had congealed into some semblance |
| of meaning. this was a problem; i had |
| turned the television on to channel 23; i |
| had tuned the am radio to a buzzing sub-hum. |
| no help, no help. still the words came." |
\______________________________________________/
|
___|____
/ \
| >and |
\________/
..end: special supplement------
goodbye.
=======================================================================
like it matters: _splinter_ was edited and published by dave meesters.
this issue was created using text editors including WordPerfect 5.1,
and distributed by PINE electronic mail software.
for information mail <dave1@gibbs.oit.unc.edu>. _splinter_ is archived
at etext.archive.umich.edu. copies also available from the publisher.

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hi i was bored
i threw this together... in like 15 minutes, been a while so forgive
the real lack of angst and anger...
---
"du0d. Let's be friends"
By: y (juuri@well.com)
USENET. Fun. Exciting and New. Come aboard some company
is trying to rape you! It was of course something that couldn't be
avoided... that is USENET advertising. With the influx of society
as a whole we not only get the combined intellects of the world we
get all of the faults it has as well. The problem I have is not
really the Ads themselves. It is the turn they have recently been
taking; friendship ?!
Email is a very personal thing, even when on a mailing list
crammed with hundreds of people it still feels like the email is
coming to you or you are part of the conversation. USENET feels
much the same way. Because of this some "sly" advertisers are using
a new gimmick to try and sell their products. Instead of blatant
advertisements they present themselves as "friends" of the reader
who is "doing a favor" or passing on some "secret info". Take some
of the following examples:
"Hey here is that website I was telling you about..."
"I had the same problem, they answered it at this <URL>"
"FOR MY FRIENDS ONLY! <URL>"
Those are a few of the more obvious examples and anyone
who can think for themselves should be able to spot them, right?
Well of course they should and the advertisers know this so they
are getting even sneakier. A new technique employed is the moronic
question/answer method. In this simple con turned Internet, someone
uses an account and asks a dumb question... in response some one
replies with a seemingly innocent third party product that fixes
the problem of the first person. This is just one of the new
tricks used by Internet advertisers.
So why the fuss? Why do I care? Why should you care?
Well because unlike the rest of the world advertising on the net
is in it's childhood. Like a child we, as the parents of the net,
can mold and shape the way it develops. Enabling us to have a
medium of communication that isn't brandished with a corporate
logo or slogan at every turn. Of course you can do nothing and
have another television that insults you at every opportunity
or you can put forth just a small amount of effort and make a
real difference...

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From jis@panix.com Tue Apr 5 12:15:22 EDT 1994
Article: 3250 of alt.zines
Path: news.cic.net!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!zip.eecs.umich.edu!panix!not-for-mail
From: jis@panix.com (Jack Szwergold)
Newsgroups: panix.chat,alt.zines,alt.music.alternative,alt.comics.alternative,rec.mag,alt.non.sequiter
Subject: E-ZINE: SUPER STUPID SIDESHOW #1 (SPRING 1994)
Date: 5 Apr 1994 11:51:51 -0400
Organization: PANIX Public Access Internet and Unix, NYC
Lines: 406
Message-ID: <2ns1en$m95@panix.com>
NNTP-Posting-Host: panix.com
Xref: news.cic.net alt.zines:3250 alt.music.alternative:81196 alt.comics.alternative:385 rec.mag:2210
+--------------------------------------+------------------------+
| **** ** ** ***** ****** ***** | the faith healers |
|****** ** ** ****** ****** ****** | art supplies |
|** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** | bratmobile |
| ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** | chewing gum |
| ** ** ** ****** ***** ****** | unrest (r.i.p.) |
| ** ** ** ***** ** ***** | chris ware |
|** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** | barbara manning |
|****** ****** ** ****** ** ** | chocolate |
| **** **** ** ****** ** ** | chardonnay |
| | conan o'brien |
| **** ****** ** ** ***** ** ***** | pac-man fever |
|****** ****** ** ** ****** ** ****** | a.a. milne |
|** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** | new york city subway |
| ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** | |
| ** ** ** ** ****** ** ** ** | |
| ** ** ** ** ***** ** ** ** | |
|** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** | |
|****** ** ****** ** ** ****** | |
| **** ** **** ** ** ***** +------------------------+
| |
| **** ** **** ** ** ***** **** **** ** ** +-----|
|****** ** ****** *** *** ****** ****** ****** ** ** | S 1 |
|** ** ** ** ** ******* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** | P 9 |
| ** ** ** ** ** * ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** | R 9 |
| ** ** ****** ** * ** ***** ** ** ** ** **** | I 4 |
| ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** | N |
|** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** | G |
|****** ****** ** ** ** ** ****** ****** ****** ** ** | |
| **** ****** ** ** ** ** ***** **** **** ** ** | #1 |
+---------------------------------------------------------+-----+
| [ the ultra fun e-zine for people who demand quality ] |
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
Welcome to the very first issue of SUPER STUPID SLAMBOOK!
It's an e-zine that I've put together to review various
eclectic things that I think deserve reviewing. There is no
high and lofty goal in the pages of this thing. In fact,
the only goal is to let other people know about things that
are either (a) really good or (b) horrendously bad. That's
it. Lofty goals aren't my forte. But sharing information
is always a good thing. If there's anything you'd like to
share with me, you can drop me a line at the addresses
listed below.
Take care, and have fun!
Your bestest e-zine pal,
/ \ /
/____ ____\/___
/ //____\\ \ \
\___// \\____\ \
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
| [ E-MAIL ] [ STANDARD MAIL ] |
| jis@panix.com P.O. Box 242 |
| Village Station |
| New York, NY 10014 |
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
TITLE: imaginary friend (CD LP)
ARTIST: th faith healers
ADDRESS: Elektra/Too Pure (If you can't find a decent record
store that sells stuff from this branch of the Time/Warner tree,
you live too further out in the boonies than you think.)
PRICE: I paid $10.99.
Wow! I (heart) this CD with all my being! It is just so much
fun to listen to! A tad less aggressive than their last LP,
(_lido_), but that doesn't mean it's bad. No way. This thing
kicks. Tracks that get me going include _kevin_ and _the people_.
Tracks I can live without include... Uhhh... Ummm... nothing! I
truly love this thing. I even love it more for having a 40
minute (yes forty minute) version of a song on it as well as a
"bonus" track hidden 10 minutes after the last track. FYI, be
on the lookout for both the "long-long-long-song" gimmick and the
"mystery-bonus" track thing on this release. The long-long-long-
song lasts forty minutes (yes, you heard me buddy. Four-tee!)
and the mystery-track is a different version of the long-long-
long-song that comes 10 minutes after the last track "ends". So
pay attention, okay?
=================================================================
TITLE: Colored Artboard (9" x 12", 16 Sheets) (MISC)
ARTIST: Carolina Pad and Paper Co.
ADDRESS: Charlotte, NC 28241
PRICE: I paid $3.29.
I draw comics and make mini-comics (drop me a line and I'll send
you some info on them.) When I was trying to come up with a neat
way to make my minis look cool, I came across this stuff in a
local discount store. For all intensive purposes, this "art
board" is nothing more than your standard run of the mill poster
board. But what makes this stuff great is that it is already cut
down into a manageable size. All I need to do is slip it into my
handy li'l paper cutter, and within seconds I have cut up neat
little covers for my mini-comics. Unfortunately, these packs are
pretty hard to come by, since most people buy poster board in
larger or smaller sizes. But if you ever need some quality
precut posterboard, this stuff is exactly what you need.
=================================================================
TITLE: The Real Janelle (CD EP)
ARTIST: Bratmobile
ADDRESS: Kill Rock Stars (120 North State Street, #418, Olympia,
WA 98507)
PRICE: I paid $6.50. Send a stamp for a full catalog and mail-
order prices.
When I first bought this thing, I was in a real bad mood. Life
and work were dragging me down in a big way. Then I put this CD
on, and for some reason it rubbed me the wrong way. It didn't
seem as good as _Pottymouth_ and they covered a _Misfits_ song
(and I can't stand the Misfits). To conclude, I dubbed this CD a
dog. And one damn ugly mutt of a dog. Then about a week later,
I threw it back on again and my feelings totally changed. Who
knows what happened, but nowadays, this thing gets heavy playage
on my CD player. The title track kicks and I even like their
version of the Misfits' _Where Eagles Dare_. Just goes to show
you. You should never dismiss anything.
=================================================================
TITLE: Tongue Splashers (CANDY)
ARTIST: Concord Confections Inc.
ADDRESS: Concord, Ontario, Canada, L4K 3N1
PRICE: I paid $1.30.
To me, gum is gum is gum. You chew it. You get your sugar. And
then it's a useless piece of... of... stuff that you chew on.
With a philosophy like that, I might as well stick a piece of
tree bark in some sugar and suck on it. Same effect. Anyway,
this stuff is the best gum I've tasted in a long time. It comes
in a little miniature paint can and claims to paint your tongue
with color when you chew it. It kinda leaves a color behind, but
nothing to write home about (NOTE: If you really want to get your
tongue to change colors, go out and buy some Marino's Italian
Ices! Those things leave behind some serious food coloring
residue on the inside of your mouth!) The taste is another thing
entirely.
This stuff is nice and sugary and great while it lasts. You
don't that immediate sugar buzz that most sugar gums give you,
which is kinda nice. I'd buy more of this stuff if it was
cheaper (it sells for $1.30 per paint can of 15 gumballs) and was
easier to open. The damn can is as much of a pain to open as a
real paint can. Oh well. It's authentic!
=================================================================
TITLE: Animal Park (7" EP)
ARTIST: Unrest
ADDRESS: Teen Beat (P.O. Box 3265, Arlington, VA 22203)
PRICE: I paid $3.99, but you can get it for $3.00 post-paid
direct from Teen Beat. Make checks/money orders payable to Mark
Robinson.
*sniff*. I am sniffing here people because as of this writing
Unrest has broken up. *sniff*. Who knows why? I hear that Phil
decided to get a 9-5 teaching job, and kissed Unrest goodbye.
*sniff*. Who knows. Whatever. This is the latest thing I
bought from one of my fave groups. The songs are fab.
_Afternoon Train_ is great and _Hey Hey Halifax_ is decent kinda
throwaway instrumental, although it's interrupted occasionally by
Mark E's need to slow down the tape and play other "head games"
with the listener. But I shouldn't complain. *sniff*. Because
this is the last thing that Unrest put out! *SNIFF*! SPECIAL
NOTE: If you have trouble finding this thing, just ask your
record store employee pal to find the single that has the cheesy
pictures of some mustached "stud" making tea with his manliness
hanging out all over the place on the cover. Not type kind of
thing one easily misplaces or misfiles.
=================================================================
TITLE: ACME Novelty Library #1 (COMIC)
ARTIST: Chris Ware
ADDRESS: Fantagraphics Books (7563 Lake City Way North East,
Seattle, WA 98115)
PRICE: I paid $3.50.
The first time I saw Chris Ware's stuff was in the pages of RAW.
It was some story about this bean-shaped guy who gets a new set
of eyeballs via mail-order (you can get _anything_ via mail-order
folks.) What a visual thing that was! That was the first and
last time I saw his stuff in print. Then I saw his stuff at
hanging on the wall at some alternative comics (or comix,
depending on your pretentiousness level) show in N.Y.C. in 1993.
I liked looking at his originals, but deep down inside I needed
to actually own some of his stuff. Luckily, the store at the
gallery was selling a real cool mini-comic Chris collected strips
of his character, Jimmy Corrigan, the Smartest Kid on Earth.
This Fantagraphics release, collects the strips that were
contained in the mini, as well as other stories into one big
"standard" comic sized package. The stories are drawn in a very
solid, 1930ish graphic style characterized by thick lines, solid
colors and antique lettering. Although the design of the book
makes its appear to be friendly and comfortable, the stories are
anything but.
Ware's Jimmy Corrigan stories are terribly depressing, yet
poignant, snapshots of the lonely and repressed life of a
terminal mama's boy. He lives. He daydreams. And that's about
it. Throughout the strips, the reader experiences Jimmy's world
from different times in his life. We see the events that
effected Jimmy as a child, and see how these events have turned
him into the "adult" Jimmy Corrigan.
Comparisons can be made to Jerry Moriarity's _Jack Survives_ and
Ben Katchor's _Julius Knipl, Real Estate Photographer_ but Ware's
work has a tone that can only draw comparisons to literary
authors like John Irving and J.D. Salinger. Ware's work effects
me in much the same way that these authors have. Definitely
something worth snatching up at any price.
=================================================================
TITLE: Baseball Trilogy (7" EP)
ARTIST: S.F. Seals
ADDRESS: Matador (676 Broadway, New York, NY 10012)
PRICE: I paid $3.99.
The S.F. Seals have Barbara Manning. Barbara Manning likes
baseball. This is no secret to most. Although I like baseball,
I didn't know what to think when I bought this thing, but I'll
tell you now, that I DO NOT regret buying this thing! Her
version of _Joltin' Joe DiMaggio_ is just so great! Her voice is
just so smooth and the backup guys in the "bullpen" accentuate
everything perfectly. Although _The Ballad of Denny McLain_
isn't the greatest thing, it is bearable. _Dock Ellis_ is a
great solid, original song that talks about this 70s pitcher who
pitched a no-hitter while tripping on acid. And you only though
baseball players downed brews and gnawed on chew? And on top of
all the musical fun, the cover photo of the original S.F. Seals
"playing" in their band is just so damn nice to look at.
=================================================================
TITLE: DEAN Chocolate Candy (CANDY)
ARTIST: Morinaga
ADDRESS: ???
PRICE: ???
Chocolate, for those who are clueless, is the best damn junk-
food-group on the face of the earth. Dean chocolate bars are
_the_ best chocolate you can get over the counter (if, of course,
that counter is in Japan). Three bars of Kit-Kat size dark
chocolate that is filled either with evenly spaced cookie balls
or peanuts. Yum! Yum! YUM! Beyond the luscious taste of Dean
is the packaging. They come in boxes that are, for all purposes,
the equivalent of cigarette hard-packs. Wow! There are also
about 6 designs of boxes that each have a different face of a
circa. 1920s-1930s caucasian kid on it. And we're worried about
kids smoking because of Joe Camel over here in the U.S. of A!
In Japan they eat their chocolate out of cigarette boxes that
have little kids faces on them! I wish I could share these all
with you, but sadly I can't. My only advice for those who want
to experience the chocolate pleasure that is DEAN chocolate, all
I can say is make friends with someone in Japan or find a decent
Japanese supermarket near you.
=================================================================
TITLE: California Chardonnay, 1992 (DRINK)
ARTIST: Baron Herzog Wine Cellars Co.
ADDRESS: San Martin, CA
PRICE: I paid $12.99.
Passover means many things to me. Matzoh. Matzoh balls. Horse
radish. Huge meals. Never-ending seders. And bad wine. Nay,
INCREDIBLY bad wine. Kosher for Passover wine usually sucks the
big one. Too sweet. Too fruity. Generally, a gag inducing
experience. This year, things were different. This year, the
meal was accompanied by my new white wine pal, Baron Herzog. Not
as cheap as other wines, but well worth the extra $$$. Where I
used to dread the thought of downing the second or third cup
during the family seder, now I heartily anticipate saying the
barucha so I can sip some Herzog. No more fruity wine for me!
Baron Herzog your my man!
=================================================================
TITLE: Late Night with Conan O'Brien (TV)
ARTIST: Conan O'Brien
ADDRESS: NBC Tickets (30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, NY 10112)
PRICE: Free. Send a postcard.
People ragged on this guy, calling him to "white bread" and
"dull" and *gasp* "boring". I bet you these people never even
saw this guy do his show. This guy is everything that I would
want in a late night talk show host. He's young. He's funny.
His sidekick, Andy, is just the bestest guy in the whole world.
What other guy would have Josephine Wiggs (of the Breeders) give
him a hickey on national T.V.? Who would invite cool musical
guests like Jonathan Richman and Yo La Tengo to play on national
T.V.? What show has a guy come out who's named "Dizz" who just
spins around like a mad man getting dizzy and passing out? (and
do it in front of conservative U.S. Senator Robert Dole!) What
show invites the bitter, bile filled easter bunny to dish out
juicy gossip on the sex lives of stars? Who would invite ex-
heavyweight champ Joe Frasier to punch him in the stomach? And
to top it all off, when I went to a recent taping of his show, he
came out before the show and belted out a version of Elvis's
_Hunka, Hunka Burnin' Love_ while he danced with people in the
audience! Letterman would never do that! Leno only wishes he
could! Conan does it 5 times a week! Go Conan! GO!
=================================================================
TITLE: Pac-Man Fever (12" LP)
ARTIST: Buckner and Garcia
ADDRESS: Columbia Records (No need for an address since this is
looong out of print if there is any justice in this world.)
PRICE: I paid $2.00 and have don't feel too good about it.
Oh man! Anytime you think you have heard or experienced
something that sucks really bad, just think about this album.
Not too many people would readily admit to owning this thing.
Me, I feel like some guy who obliged to warn future generations
of things that are this horrendously bad. So pay attention
plebes!
Get this. These two guys thought they had a good idea I guess.
They would sing some songs dedicated to some of their favorite
video games while a bad country/rock band backs them up. Oh man.
Why didn't they take up pottery or shoot up heroin or something.
Anything but actually make this abomination of vinyl.
Me, in a fit of nostalgic mania, decided to buy it while sifting
through the stuff on sale at a local flea market. Oh man is this
bad. _Pac-Man Fever_ makes me ill. _Froggy's Lament_ makes me
hack. _Ode to a Centipede_ gives me a rash. _Do the Donkey
Kong_ puts me into a narcoleptic like sleep. And that's only
side one! By the time side two comes around, the emergency
medical service guys have those paddles on my chest and are
trying to bring me back from the dead! This vintage 1982 piece
of vinyl serves only one purpose. To make me cry out in the
middle of the night "The horror! The horror!"
=================================================================
TITLE: When We Were Very Young (BOOK)
ARTIST: A.A. Milne
ADDRESS: E.P. Dutton (Any book store that has a decent children's
section should have this. If they don't, have it, they are
EVIL!)
PRICE: Had it as a kid. Gave it away. Bought it at a thrift
store for $5.00.
To say that A.A. Milne is a heavy duty influence on me is an
understatement. A.A. Milne is a way of life! (Even if you don;t
know you're living it.) Milne's writing perfectly captures the
essence of what is great about being a kid. Pooh was fun to
read, but the poems and rhymes in this book--as well as _Now We
Are Six_, are just... just... so resonant to anyone who
appreciates the wonders of being a kid. I love reading _The Four
Friends_, a story about an elephant, a lion, a goat and a snail
who are just hanging out together. _Independence_ is such a nice
way to introduce children of all ages to the simple pleasures of
being (duh) independent. The concept that money can't buy
happiness (or cute bunnies) is perfectly clear in _Market
Square_. _The Three Foxes_ is the ultimate in silliness. In
general, this stuff celebrates every facet of being a kid. We
are talking about children's entertainment that works on a level
that something like _Barney_ doesn't even approach. In fact, if
you deal with a child on a regular basis, might I suggest that
you turn off the T.V. when that jurassic dork Barney shows his
stupid face, and instead read some Milne to the kid. Boy or
girl, that kid will love you for life.
=================================================================
TITLE: The Daily Subway Commute Experience (MISC)
ARTIST: Metropolitan Transit Authority of New York City
ADDRESS: Any subway anywhere in New York City.
PRICE: A token costs $1.25. That doesn't include the costs of
mental torture and abuse you will endure.
>From the elbows in the gut, to the farts in my face, nothing can
come close to the unique brand of hell the Metropolitan Transit
Authority helps to dish out to hapless commuters on a daily
basis. Sure, they aren't to blame for the asshole passengers,
but they are totally responsible for the environment that these
jerks thrive in. From the urine smells, to the brown gunk on the
track, there ain't nothing like the subterranean life that most
New Yorkers participate as part of their commute. And get this.
Recently, either as the result of a study or something, M.T.A.
workers now refer to riders as customers. Now think about it.
I'm not a customer. I don't have a choice between what friggin'
subway I ride? I can only ride on the lovely rails of the
M.T.A.! So I get kinda pissed when some conductor or someone
says "Attenshun _customers_! The train can't move 'cause on
account of the fact that we have anutta train in front of us."
Trust me my M.T.A. buddies, if I had a choice as to what subway
to ride, it wouldn't be you guys. And as long as we're beating a
dead horse...
=================================================================
TITLE: Metrocard (MISC)
ARTIST: Metropolitan Transit Authority of New York City
ADDRESS: Any subway anywhere in New York City.
PRICE: They come in various amounts. But I'm not to sure. I
gave up on these things after buying one that had $5.00 on it.
These things suck. These things are flimsy. These things only
work in a handful of esoteric stations. These things don't work.
These things don't tell you how many fares you have left on them.
These things were defective from day one. These things aren't
nearly as useful as the cards used in San Francisco or
Washington, D.C. To conclude, the Metrocard sucks. Use tokens
the next time you want to ride the lovely subway.
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
| This was SUPER STUPID SLAMBOOK #1 (SPRING 1994). All |
| contents (c) 1994 Jack Szwergold, all rights reserved. And |
| after saying all that, I realize that this is an electronic- |
| zine, which by the nature of it's medium, allows it to be |
| duplicated with little or no effort. So this is to let you |
| know that distribution is free. You can copy and send it to |
| as many people and places as you want. But the content is |
| mine, and plagiarism is just not a nice thing. Which is the |
| only reason why I stuck a copyright statement on this thing. |
| So be nice, and don't claim authorship to things you didn't |
| write. Okay? |
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
| [ E-MAIL ] [ STANDARD MAIL ] |
| jis@panix.com P.O. Box 242 |
| Village Station |
| New York, NY 10014 |
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
--
Jack Szwergold
jis@panix.com


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The Staff and Contributing Writers of Sunlight Through The Shadows
------------------------------------------------------------------
The Staff
---------
Joe DeRouen............................Publisher and Editor
L. Shawn Aiken.........................Assistant Editor
Heather DeRouen........................Book Reviews
Bruce Diamond..........................Movie Reviews
Tamara.................................House Poet
Thomas Van Hook........................Poetry Editor
Joe DeRouen publishes, edits, and writes for STTS magazine. He's had
poetry and fiction published in several on-line magazines and a few
paper publications as well. He's written exactly 1.5 novels, none of
which, alas, have seen the light of publication. He attends college
part-time in search of that always-elusive english degree. In his
spare time, he enjoys reading, running his BBS, collecting music,
playing with his five cats, singing opera, hunting pseudopods, and
most importantly spending time with his beautiful wife Heather.
L. Shawn Aiken dropped out of college when he realized that they
couldn't teach him the two things he wanted to do; live successfully,
and write. He had to find out these things all by himself on the
road. Thus he became a road scholar. After spending his life hopping
country to country, state to state, he now feels confident in his
abilities and is working on his literary career. His main endevour is
to become successful in the speculative fiction area, but he enjoys
writing all forms of literary art.
Heather DeRouen writes software for the healthcare industry, CoSysOps
Sunlight Through The Shadows BBS, enjoys playing with her five cats,
cross-stitching, and reading. Most of all, she enjoys spending time
with her dapper, charming, witty, and handsome (not to mention modest)
husband Joe. Heather's help towards editing and proofreading this
magazine has been immeasurable.
Bruce Diamond, part-time pseudopod and ruler of a small island chain
off the coast of Chil<69>, spends his time imitating desk lamps when he
isn't watching and critiquing movies for LIGHTS OUT, his BBS movie
review publication (now syndicated to over 20 boards). Recently,
Bruce became the monthly movie critic for VALLEY REVIEW MAGAZINE,
published out of Pennsylvania. LIGHTS OUT, now two years old, is
available through the Rime or P&B Networks by dropping a note to
Joe DeRouen, courtesy of Sunlight Through The Shadows BBS. The
magazine will soon be available through Fido file request and
Internet FTP. In the Dallas area, Bruce's distributor is Jay
Gaines' BBS AMERICA (214-994-0093). Bruce is a freelance writer
and video producer in the Dallas/Fort Worth area.
There is very little known about Tamara, and she prefers to let it
remain that way. She's a woman of mystery and prefers to remain hidden
in the shadows of the BBS world. (Enigmatic, don't you think?)
Thomas Van Hook resides in Dallas, where he works as a contract
employee for the Federal Reserve Automation Services. Having served
eight years in the USAF, he is happy to finally be free and able to
pursue the dreams of his heart. At the age of 29, he is looking
forward to many new adventures and experiences within the realms of
the Elven kind. He enjoys reading, writing, sports of all kinds, his
son Corey and the attentions of any Elven women that seem interested
(not necessarily in that order). Recently divorced, he is trying to
restore order and balance to his life without losing what little is
left of his sanity.
Contributing Writers
--------------------
Ed Davis...............................Fiction
Sean A. Donahue........................Poetry
J. Guenther............................Poetry
Daniel Sendecki........................Fiction, Poetry
Nancy VanWormer........................Feature Article
Author Unknown.........................Poetry
Ed Davis has been scribbling seriously or has at least enjoyed the
electronic equivalent, since 1981. Prior to that, his literary efforts
were confined to whatever scrap paper he could find on a work bench at
break or lunch time, since he was spending his working hours making
chips and money in the guise of a Journeyman Machinist. Married to
the same lady for 26 years and with two children still hovering
uncomfortably close to the nest, Ed continues to write down his
thoughts electronically. Check out the file NEWBOOK.ZIP, available
from STTS BBS, for more of his work.
Sean A. Donahue does not have any publishing ties whatsoever. He has
written over 4,192 poems. Only 38 have seen to survive the Mighty
Morphin Power Rangers. The time in which normal people say is spare,
he tries to use to study for school at Texas Tech University. This is
Sean's first published poem and he hopes that it is not his last. He
has written exactly 428 novels all starting with "It was a dark and
stormy night." None ofthem have gotten past the second paragraph. In
whatever time he has left, he enjoys reading, riting, and rithmatic.
He has an creative writing minor, a history minor, and a Honorary
Doctorate in B.S. from Bowling Green State University. He dedicates
his writing to those who are without love and hope. And that's no
B.S.
Grant Guenther, sometimes known as J. Guenther, confesses to be from a
long-lost Martian colony, but in-depth investigations reveals that he
was born and raised in a small but well-to-do community called
Hartland in Wisconsin. A senior, he has written several collections
of poems, and won many awards from his high school literary magazine,
including 1st place for poetry and short-short fiction. He is the
editor-in-chief of the school newspaper and writes as a humor
columnist (or at least he thinks so).
Daniel Sendecki is a young, emerging, Canadian writer who lives
in Burlington, Ontario. Currently, Daniel is pursuing his writing
interests at home but intends to study literature at McGill
University, in Montreal, Quebec.
Author Unknown (oddly enough, his real name) has had several stories,
poems, novels, plays, and pieces of artwork published throughout the
world dating back to the dawn of man. So far, he hasn't received one
red cent in royalties.

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Welcome to the abbreviated, electronic version of SYNAESTHETIC,
a Journal of Poetry, Prose and Media Arts.
Issue One, "Found Forms, Found Texts", is 80 pages, 8 1/2 x 11, on 60lb.
book natural, with 10 pt. glossy cover and award-winning B&W photography.
The division of literature into distinct types has not served poetry well;
the common assumption that poetry is difficult stems directly from the
conclusion that it is different. The materials in SYNAESTHETIC are based on
such unlikely sources as travel, fashion, sports and other news writing,
science texts, cookbooks, diaries, dictionaries, encyclopedia, radio
broadcasts, or are in media forms: letters, postcads, instructions, flyers,
reports, and so on. This is poetry that represents our shared knowledge,
that documents and informs. We also publish artwork that illustrates the
cutting edge between media and academic fields. Our mission is to extend
the audience for poetry, to serve the community of artists as a forum for
the discussion of process and form.
Subscriptions are $13 for two issues; $7 for single issue.
Make checks payable to Alex Cigale.
Address submissions, inquiries, subscription requests, and donations to:
SYNAESTHETIC, 178-10 Wexford Terrace, Apt. 3D, Jamaica, NY 11432.
SYNAESTHETIC is currently accepting poetry, prose, translations, essays,
interviews, and art submissions for Issue Three, "True Stories".
"Is there anything whereof it may be said, See this is new? It hath been
already of old time, which was before us." - Ecclesiastes.
EDITOR'S NOTE
All poetry is found poetry; some poems are more found than others.
The enigmatic title of "India Widow's Death at...", for example, consists
simply of the first seven syllables of a New York Times headline from an
article on the Hindu custom of sati, about the ritual self-immolation of a
widow on her husband's funeral pyre.
Found art has been with us since Marcel Duchamp scandalized
aesthetisticians by attempting to exhibit in New York a porcelain urinal
titled Fountain (1917). Duchamp's Readymade objects, whether framed or not,
made the act of selection itself an artistic virtue. His recourse to
mechanical reproduction of his own works also brought into question the
privileged position of "uniqueness" and "originality" as essential
attributes of western art. The poet Jerome Rothenberg, in his anthology of
experimental poetry, Revolution of the Word, described Duchamp's method as a
"withdrawal from art."
One may point to an earlier influence and argue that our arrival at
found art proceeds logically from Aristotle's proposition in Poetics, that
the object of art is an imitation of life. In Eastern thought, art and life
were more intimately linked; the distinction between subject and object was
recognized not at all. Daily rituals like the tea ceremony, flower
arranging, the cultivation of bonsai trees and rock gardens, as well as the
practice of the martial arts (karate, archery, etc.), were all forms of
artistic expression. Similarly, African and "primitive" art was but an
extension of ritual and function. In part as a product of the 20th century
synthesis of Eastern, Western and "primitive" thought, a concern with the
thing itself has become preeminent in contemporary visual and literary
efforts.
If no less an authority than T.S. Eliot avered, a full half-century
ago, "immature poets imitate, mature poets steal," why is it that we poets
are the last to feel the unremitting obligation to be "original" that Harold
Bloom, in his book of the same title, calls "the anxiety of influence"? To
answer this question is to resolve a key creative conflict, the issue of
"authority," literally the sense of being in full possession of one's
material that is the mark of a mature artist.
And yet a nagging doubt persists: "But you didn't write this! And, i
anyone could have written it, there is nothing 'artistic' about the method."
I can only conclude with the following set of observations. The selection
of material is of itself a valid, and creative, expression of personal
aesthetics. In our technological, informational age an author is neither
creator nor proprietor of the information contained (no more so than in the
earliest literatures arising from the oral tradition.) Who "owns" or has a
right to exploit, a story or event, a sequence of words, or the words
themselves? There is, for all practical purposes, an infinite number of
poems or fictions that can result from a reconstituted text or a tale
retold. Identical material used in an entirely different context
constitutes a new identity. Finally, found poems are essentially voice
poems; it is narrative that serves to unify the disjointed syntax, images,
and voices of the original text. The narrative voice is, of course, the
empathic voice of the writer.
Found poetry as a format for a literary journal interested me for a
number of reasons. First, the incorporation of source material represents a
body of shared knowledge and carries with it a potential to inform. My
instinct tells me that this may offer an opportunity to extend poetry to an
audience it would not otherwise reach. Conversely, the found represents an
essential part of the creative process, the struggle to make personal the
public and the received. The possibility that Synaesthetic may serve the
community of artists as a forum for an ongoing discussion of process and
form is truly exhilarating.
Contemporary art owes so much to the aesthetics of synthesis that
perhaps the most apt manifesto for a modern aesthetic, to restate Marx's
paraphrase of the Hegelian dialectic, "All art is found art! Artists of the
world unite! We have nothing to lose but our conceptual chains."
Editor: Alex Cigale
Art Director: Hugh Gilmore
Cover: "Show Us" by Hugh Gilmore
Back cover: "House" by Nadya Nilin
GEORGIA O'KEEFE by Lyn Lifshin
So I said to myself
I'll paint what
I see what
the flower is
to me but
I'll paint it
big they will
be surprised into
taking time to
look at its
enormous petals
it will make
even busy New Yorkers
take time to see
what I see
It was as if my
mind made up shapes
sometimes I know
where they come from
but often, I donUt
The bones let me
dream bones but
it never occurs to
me they have anything
to do with death
WOLF by John Gilgun
for Barry Lopez
The ghost of the wolf moves among odors
through the interior of the supermarket.
He scent-marks a can of Folger's coffee,
then trots to the frozen foods.
Suddenly he stops in mid-stride.
His ears are rammed forward,
and he pounces like a cat,
bringing down
a package of Stouffer's Swedish Meatballs
in gravy with parsley noodles.
The ghost of the wolf
has evolved for this task.
He moves on through my neighborhood
where dozens of his kind where murdered
a century ago.
His complex brain absorbs
lawn mowers, charcoal briquettes, Toyotas
and small yapping dogs he holds beneath contempt.
He howls for his brothers and sisters.
His reply is Rachmaninov's Second Piano Concerto
played by the Moscow Philharmonic Orchestra
with Vladimir Ashkenazy on piano.
I turn down the volume
and raise my window.
He leaps in at me,
his eyes jade-cold,
his body jeweled with dew.
DRAWN BUT NOT SKINNED; A Cento by Jeff McMillian
Tonight the mean winds of November
have begun to blow Indian Summer away,
pointing you north and north against your will.
North is easy. North is never love.
Without a shield of hills, a barricade of elms,
one resorts to magic. It is called breaking out
of the ground and it is done by force.
On the wind like something out of Leviticus,
a bat quivers across the porcelain of evening,
deep horror of eyes and of wings;
more come in watery flocks,
each one woven to the other like bubbles
in a frozen pond.
The dance winds through the windless woods.
Fires started by lightning make up the telling
of men: we were the fine shavings of sheepskin
mercy and love were not.
We for whom grief is so often the source
of our spirit's growth, whose veins Death
the gardener twists into a different pattern,
wonder, "Out of such numbers how will I be noticed?"
Whether caring accomplishes anything is irrelevant.
Every angel is terrifying.
It is the image of the ungraspable phantom of life,
and this is the key to it all. There is a wisdom
that is woe; but there is a woe that is madness.
It is all you have and all your father had
and all your brothers. We live in
an old chaos of the sun, one sun,
one journey here and everywhere,
of that wide water, inescapable.
At evening the diminishing of the dance,
no, not night but death, makes constant cry:
Disturb even a seed sleeping and you harvest stones.
It is called breaking out of the ground and
it is done by force.
PASTICHE; CLUB QUAKE by Edward A. Dougherty
There's no guarantee the predictions
are right, but there was an opportunity
to turn a dead night into a big one.
Yeah, I'm profiting from impending doom.
"Club Quake." From the Ural Mountains
to the Atlantic shores: sixteen hundred
armored troop carriers, offensive
military equipment - "smash," she said,
"blow up, or otherwise destroy these weapons."
As she walked around Japan, all my mother
could think of was her sisterUs miscarriages.
She's got babies all over there, in the ground
all over Japan, and the State Department said,
"The suffering is massive." Another official:
"Unless the war is stopped, the famine
averted, the country will be displaced
or die." I hope it doesn't happen, but
what am I going to do?
The first time
she flew home; my mother was pregnant.
A celebration between two sisters. In Bethlehem,
soldiers gathered around outside
just before the second bomb went off.
Her first child came out - breach -
dead. I'm a business man. Refugees
streamed across the border and relief workers
were awed by the open-armed generosity
of the villagers.
INDIA WIDOWUS DEATH AT ... by Alex Cigale
Just as we bathe in water
she bathed in fire.
Sati is not possible
for all women, only
those who are very blessed.
The flames kept alive twelve days
were doused with milk,
her favorite scarlet shawl
draped over the ashes.
Your husband a sort of god
sati is the ultimate
achievement for a woman.
The marriage ceremony
last January: he wore
a gray suit; her face was draped
with gold, a lot of flowers.
Now there may be miracles,
many good big things will come to us.
Tribal Zambia
custom of cleansing
the brother of the dead man
must sleep with the widow
to free her to remarry.
"It is like someone
bringing an open
coffin and saying
get in this coffin.
HOMEOPATHIC POEM I by Gary Aspenberg
Do you have any peculiar sensation in or on your head? e.g. as if you were
wearing a hat; as if air was passing through your head; as if there was a
current of air above your eyes; as if there was something alive in your
head; as if your brain was an anthill; as if there was a worm crawling in
your forehead; as if everything in the head was alive; as if the head was
asleep; as if water was boiling inside the head; as if there was a band or
a hoop tied around the head; as if the head had contracted or enlarged; as
if the head was heavy and falling forward/backwards/sideways; as if you
were intoxicated; etc., etc. If you have any peculiar sensation in the
head, please tell me.
HOMEOPATHIC POEM II by Gary Aspenberg
What type of stool do you have? Does it have air bubbles, is it like balls,
is it bloody, chalky, like clay, like coffeegrounds, crumbling, curdled,
dry, difficult to expel, fatty, fermented, fetid, foul, flaky, flat, fluid,
foamy, forcibly expelled, frothy, glassy, like glue, granular, greasy, like
green scum, gritty, gushing out, hard, full of holes, hot, burning the
parts, insufficient, involuntary, irregular, jelly-like, too large in size,
with undigested food, liquid, long (like the stool of a dog), loose, lumpy,
membranous, mixed, with mucus, mushy, thin in form, noisy (passed along with
loud passage of wind), odorless, oily, painful, pappy, pasty, like pea soup,
pouring out, receding (tends to come out but slip back), retarded, like rice
water, rough, like small globules (sago), like sheep dung, comes out very
slowly, passes better when leaning back, starchy, square in shape, sticky,
stringy, like a sudden explosion, tar-like, triangular in shape, watery,
white, full of worms, etc. Please describe what type of stools you have?
WHAT I DO by John Bradley
We risk our lives.
We could be vegetables.
Sometimes I'm so sore
I can't touch my wife;
Sometimes
My wife can't touch me.
I'm not saying people
Shouldn't play football.
We're like stunt
People; we do crazy things.
It excites us. This
Excites me.
I'm out here doing it
Because I like it.
I risk my life
Every day.
That's
What I do.
(New York Jet player
Mario Johnson, a teammate,
on Dennis Byrd's neck injury.)
FROM THE SWOPPER'S COLUMN by David Elliott
Will swop hand-crocheted baby afghan for live Maine lobsters.
Will swop hundreds of 1940's and 50's poultry and farm
magazines for Ingrid Bergman memorabilia.
Will swop one ounce pure silver bars for stuffed and mounted
members of the weasel family.
Will swop colorful, humorous folk/primitive painting of your
life story for lake or seaside property in Maine.
Will swop hardbound National Geographics, 1916 and 1917, for
10 pounds of moose meat.
Will swop WWI bayonets for large Hav-a-Hart trap.
Will swop and old wooden coffin box for a large bell, Mercury
statue, or library-size globe.
Will swop registered Morgan stud colt for Jacuzzi.
Will swop Texas pecans for chromo-illustrated Lord's Prayer.
Will swop anything within reason that is mailable from
Europe for your hatpins
from Yankee magazine
WANTED by Linda Nemec Foster
A lyric poem in any form,
20 lines limit,
on the subject of Springtime.
Originality and depth
of emotion essential.
An ode (a lengthy,
dignified poem of exaltation
or praise about someone
or something worthy of esteem.)
Not more than 16 lines.
A poem on "The Winter of '77."
Only stipulation - the word
"snow" must not appear
anywhere in the poem.
A terse, metaphorical, introspective
poem using the tangible
to allegorize the substance of being
beyond what is materially
manifested. Use of dynamic
language, multi-level implication,
and climax. Max. 40 lines.
A poem comparing a mythical god
to Senator Hubert Humphrey.
No free verse,
not less than 12 lines.
AUTHOR'S NOTES
Gary Aspenberg's first collection, Bus Poems, is available from Broken Moon
Press in Seattle. " 'Homeopathic Poems' are presented with minor
alterations from a questionnaire prepared by a homeopathic physician and
designed to elicit symptoms from patients."
John Bradley's work has appeared in The Bellingham Review, Bloomsbury
Review, High Plains Literary Review, Ironwood, Mid-American Review, The
Prose Poem, Puerto Del Sol, Rolling Stone, and Yellow Silk. He has received
a National Endowment of the Arts Fellowship and won the 1989 Washington
Prize. He teaches composition and creative writing at Northern Illinois
University. " 'What I do' struck me as a poem as soon as I read it. There
are many pieces in the newspaper that canUt be written about; they must be
presented just as they are, as the poems they are."
Alex Cigale is the editor of Synaesthetic. He has an MFA from the
University of Michigan. His found poems have appeared in Exquisite Corpse,
Gypsy: Earth Tones, Kiosk: Interstates, Poetry in Performance (CUNY), and
Poetry New York. He was born in Chernovtsy, the Ukraine, and grew up in
Leningrad, Tel Aviv, and Rome, before coming to the U.S. in 1975. " 'India
Widow's Death at ...' is pastiched from two New York Times articles."
Edward A. Dougherty, a former editor at the Mid-American Review, and his
spouse are now volunteer directors of the World Friendship Center in
Hiroshima. R 'Pastiche: Club Quake' is from news reports and an associated
(though I don't know how) memory."
David Elliott teaches English at Keystone Junior College in LaPlume, PA.
His work has appeared in Passages North, Creeping Bent, Northeast, and
Modern Haiku. "I must admit that 'From the Swopper's Column' is not a
purely found poem but a pastiche from many issues of the magazine [Yankee.]
My sense of the poetic leads me in several directions .... Haiku too are
found poems of a sort - records of encounters with bits of non-verbal data
the world presents passed on through words with as little interference of
the ego as possible."
Linda Nemec Foster has an MFA from Goddard College. Her poetry has appeared
in Georgia Review, Indiana Review, Nimrod, Puerto Del Sol, and Passages
North. Her translations from the Polish have been published in Artful Dodge
and International Poetry Review. She has received two Creative Artists
grants from the Michigan Council for the Arts, and has been nominated for
nine Pushcart Prizes.
John Gilgun teaches writing at Missouri Western College and uses found
poetry in his classes. Of Gilgun's first novel, Music I Never Dreamed Of,
Richard Hall wrote in The James White Review, "We have a quietly brilliant,
flawlessly executed account of growing up gay in South Boston in the 1950Us.
We are back in the golden age of gay literature, where the basic truth about
each adolescent's outcast status is expounded once again - in this case by a
master spirit whose words devastate us with laughter, hurt and recognition.S
"Wolf" takes its start from a short story by Barry Lopez.
Lyn Lifshin has given more than 700 readings across the country. She has
been a Poet in Residence at the University of Rochester, Antioch and
Colorado Mountain College. Winner of numerous awards including the Jack
Kerouac Award, she is the subject of the documentary film, Lyn Lifshin: Not
Made of Glass. The poems printed here were abstracted from the diaries of
Georgia O'Keefe. "Poetry makes one so much more aware of, increases,
sensual appreciation, helps one discover the magical in the ordinary, gives
one power, a way to shape, transform, rediscover, catch and hold and, as
with dance, a way to feel alive, connected"
Jeff McMillian is working on a Doctorate and teaching at the University of
Kansas, Lawrence. He has an MFA from Bowling Green. His work has appeared
in The Sucarnochee Review, Poets On: Arrivals, ONTHEBUS and other
publications. "I learned about found poetry from John Gilgun (a writer whom
you are also publishing!) who learned the same from Mark Strand. We used to
pull cards which we composed from words and phrases we found in books. The
poem "Drawn But Not Skinned" is composed entirely of others' words (a
cento,) and the sources vary from Rilke's elegies to Rombauer's cookbook. I
am attracted to this style of writing (although it usually amounts to little
more than a "way in") because whenever I find those words or lines which
leap out of the poem and off the page, I want to grab them and shape them to
my own world. It gives me pleasure to pay tribute to writers I love by
enshrining pieces of their work in my own. I live for those moments when a
line or phrase blows open my consciousness so that in a moment I am reborn
and the phrase is reborn in the context of my life."

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TELEGRAPH
Entertainment for the discerning indie geek
Published by the Telegraph Pioneers Of America: A partnership between
Klang Industries and IndieCoRe
Telegraph Transmission Three: The Search For Spock - October, 1994
In This Action-Packed Episode
* My Forgotten Favorite, aka Whatever happened to... : Scene is
crazy, bands start up, each and every day. I saw a new one just
the other day, a special new band... uh, here's where Mark, Sean
and Jodi take a look back at some indie faves from a few years ago
and find out what happened. Did you see the drummer's hair?
* Media Bullshit Watch: "The Alternative Beer"
* IndieCoRe's Field Guide To The Net: hey, someone's bound to do
this eventually - why not A Name You Can Trust (tm)? Free plugs
for mailing lists, archives, etc. in this joint IL/TG project.
* Live Review: Yep, it's a review in Telegraph. Said I wouldn't do
it but I lied. Jawbox, Picasso Trigger, and Maximillian Colby, a
night to remember?
* The award-winning Coursing Thru The Wires
* More more more
Note
Tim Day missed his deadline, so his CMJ article will not be appearing
in this issue. Check back next time. Sorry.
Introduction/Editorial Rant
Mark Cornick, mscornic@vax1.acs.jmu.edu
Hey, look! It's a new issue of Telegraph and the last one was only
something like six weeks ago! Oh, MY.
You may notice that the plaintext version of this TG has nicer
formatting than the last few. Well, net.audience, the reason for this
is that TG is now being edited as hypertext, and then created to
plaintext. I'm going to be concentrating on the hypertext (WWW)
edition in the future, adding more graphics to it & etc. However, the
plaintext mail version will always continue to exist. The formatting
may be a little strange - especially the names of LPs, which show up
as underlined and/or italics in HTML, but unformatted in plaintext.
I'm trying to find a workable way to fix this.
For those of you reaing this on WWW, you probably noticed that we have
a new home on the Web at etext.org, who have hosted our FTP and Gopher
archive for a while now. My departure from the Hopper project
necessitated the move, but it actually works out for the best because
now everything's in one place. Also, we are able to keep back issues
in hypertext and plaintext formats.
Mail addresses are the same as before - mail Sean for subscriptions
and me for everything else. Depending on what etext.org management
does, we may end up with a mailbox on their machine, but we'll worry
about that if/when it happens.
etext.org (as you may know) provides archives to many electronic
'zines. Other than Telegraph, you can find quality stuff like
Armadillo Culture, SuperStupidSlambook and the ever-popular Screams
Of Abel on etext.org. Take a look around!
Unfortunately, the price of progress is the 33% downsizing of
Telegraph Pioneers Of America. I would like to thank Chris Karlof, who
has capably archived Telegraph since its inception, for his services
as Telegraph archivist. The new arrangement with etext.org has
eliminated the need for an archivist. Chris will be continuing as
Indie-List archivist, however. Thanks, Chris!
Well, I'm now settled comfortably back into Harrisonburg, Virginia,
quickly becoming known for something other than poultry processing
(Harrisonburg, not me), although I don't know what... Oh, yeah, right,
the live scene. Believe it or not, folks, this little farm town has
become a return stop for touring bands. In the four weeks I've been
here we've hosted Eggs, the Coctails, Nothing Painted Blue, the
Woggles and Pitchblende, for starters. Next up: Jawbox and Picasso
Trigger. Later, Archers of Loaf. This in a place where, two short
years ago, the only place to play was in somebody's basement. Wow,
man. (Actually this sort of makes sense; a lot of JMU's students are
from Washington DC or its suburbs, and have (a) pretty diverse musical
tastes and (b) an expectation that there'll be something good to
watch. It's paid off, I think.)
As I type this it's September 26, a Monday. This, of course, means
that new major label releases will be out tomorrow. There's a bunch -
R.E.M., Ween, Slayer (SLAYER! SLAYER! SLAYER! 6! 6! 6!), and many
others, possibly including the long-delayed DGC reissues of Sonic
Youth's Evol, Sister and Ciccone Youth: The Whitey Album. There is,
however, one release that's being particularly hyped in these parts:
the RCA Records Label Of BMG Music (that's the name of the label,
check that used copy of the 700 Miles CD in any record shop in the
USA) debut of Virginia's own Dave Matthews Band. Under The Table And
Dreaming is its name, truly awful music is its game.
Let me say first that I have nothing against Dave Matthews (or his
band) personally. Early in his career, he and his band played here at
JMU and I thought he was a nice guy. I understand that he still is, in
spite of his enormous, nearly-rock-star-plateau success. And some of
his sidemen (particularly sax man Leroi Moore) are ace musicians. Ol'
Dave may, in fact, be proof that nice guys finish first. He sold 74
gajillion copies of his DIY first CD, attracting the attention of
various major labels and affording him the opportunity to hire Steve
"Will Produce U2 For Food" Lillywhite to produce the new one. This
tirade is not about Dave Matthews The Human Being.
It's about Dave Matthews The Musician. He's annoying. Lord, is he
annoying. That voice! That whiny, nasal,
whasisface-from-Live-(The-Band)-affected howl. Do a few whippets, grab
your throat, and say the five vowels very quickly. This is
approximately what Davey boy sounds like. Now let's turn to his band.
They can blow jazz. They can rock. They can, in the words of
Klangfellow Mike Gangloff, play some HOUSE ROCKING BLUES!
Unfortunately, they've decided to do that H.O.R.D.E. Boogie. (I think
the DMB even played some dates on the last H.O.R.D.E. insurgence.
Wouldn't surprise me a bit. Of course, since I didn't go, I don't
know.) This naturally makes Dave & co. popular with a bunch of people
whose musical tastes I generally can't abide:
* frat boys
* Deadheads
* Phish heads (roly poly Phish heads, eat 'em up, yum!)
* Michael Stipe
* Every booking agent in Charlottesville
* AAA radio
* H.O.R.D.E. zombies
* You get the idea.
Well, there's very little I can do to deny Dave Matthews and band the
mainstream success they will very likely achieve. I suppose I could
cruise by the release party at Crossroads Concert Hall And Sports Bar
(one of the few times I will say that "Trax" was a better name for
this place) in Charlottesville tonight, and fire a flamethrower into
the release party in progress. Advantages: Not only would this wipe
out Dave, it would wipe out hundreds of his fans, and Shannon Worrell
too (the less said about her the better.) Disadvantage 1: My friend
Stephanie will be working there (her day job is at Plan 9 Records
who's co-sponsoring the show) and would most likely be killed in the
resulting inferno. Stephanie doesn't deserve to die. Disadvantage 2:
This would make Dave a martyr. "Dave Matthews Died For Your Sins!" I
don't think so. Disadvantage 3: Dying is a great career move. Ask Jim
Croce, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison (why are all these guys named "Jim",
anyway?) or you-know-who. Nah, as much as I'd like to, I can't do
this. It's fucking futile.
So, anyway, when you see that copy of Under The Table And Sucking Slag
Battery's Dick on the record store shelves, or when the Dave Matthews
Band rolls through your town, think of me and what I've said, and go
see another band instead. (No one else playing? Go read a book.)
Forgotten Favorites
Mark Cornick, mscornic@vax1.acs.jmu.edu
The vaguely definable shared experience we call "the indie scene" has
a few notable characteristics. One is its dynamic state. The
do-it-yourself ethic has been around for years, ostensibly since the
Flamin' Groovies released the first widely successful DIY album back
in 1968 or so. Of course, it took hold with the punk thing in the late
70s, and has existed in some form or another since. Lately it's become
pretty fashionable, even. The DIY spirit that typifies the world of
indie music inspires hundreds of bands yearly. You wanna play music,
you go right ahead and make yourself a band. Indie folks have always
been good at publicity, too; between the numerous large and small
'zines, word-of-mouth, and now Internet, it's not terribly hard to get
noticed if you're doing something halfway decent. (Or something
horribly wretched, actually, but that's another story.) People like
seeking out new bands, and indie fans like to latch onto new bands
that they like, much like fans of any other form of music.
The fact that no one's waiting on The Man to create their music career
for them results in a lot of new bands competing for indie listeners'
attention on almost a daily basis. At WXJM Radio, we get several 45s
and dozens of CDs a month from bands we've never heard of. When you're
presented with a bunch of new bands and end up liking a handful of
them, it's inevitable that some of the bands you used to be into will
take a backseat to your new favorites. (Don't say you don't do this. I
saw those Duran Duran records in your closet.)
What happens to a band deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the
sun? Or does it EXPLODE? Could go either way. There've been a few
bands that I thought were 100% Hot Shit who putzed out and are
probably working at El Taco now. On the other hand, there've been some
bands that I wrote off early on who've become big stars. (I never,
NEVER would've predicted the success of Alice In Chains, f'rinstance.)
Okay, here's a look back at some bands/artists/records I was into a
few years ago, and what happened to them.
* Sexual Milkshake (1991): The presence of Harrisonburg's Sexual
Milkshake, and their merrie band of fans & groupies, were what
made my first year at JMU tolerable. SM weren't a great band
musically -- OK, let's face it, most people think they were
horrible -- but they successfully covered up for it with a
fantastically calculated image. Going to a Sexy Milkshake show was
like going to a carnival as presented by the Church of the
Sub-Genius - wild costumes, films projected all over the place,
etc. There was one show where they each had trampolines and they
trampolined thru the entire set. OK, so the music sucked (they
admit as much) but Sexual Milkshake were one of the most
entertaining acts since vaudeville. Where They Are Now: They
released one album, Sing-A-Long In Hebrew (Teenbeat, 1992) which
was easily one of the most extravagantly packaged CDs ever.
Vocalist Greg Allen moved away in 1992 and SM ground to a halt
sometime thereafter. Bassist Jill Murphy hasn't been heard from
since. Guitarist Todd Massie and drummer Chris Callahan stuck
around Harrisonburg for a while, playing in a few bands. Massie
moved to Portland, Oregon and is probably doing something or other
out there. Callahan moved to Arlington and hit the Lollapalooza
bigtime in Blastoff Country Style.
* Courtney Love (1992): Like many other people, I stumbled onto
Courtney Love (the band) through confusion with Courtney Love
(lead singer of Hole.) I'd heard some of the Hole stuff and while
it didn't excite me terribly, I was curious to see what would come
next. So I was a little surprised to pull this 45 off the shelf,
put it on and hear this acoustic pop stuff. It definitely wasn't
what I expected, but I liked its simplicity and directness. I
picked up the Olympia, Washington duo's three 45s which, along
with some compilation tracks, comprise the Courtney Love
discography, and thus began my investigation of the K label, which
eventually led me to Beat Happening. Pretty cool, huh? Where They
Are Now: Courtney Love's duo, Lois Maffeo and Pat Maley, called it
a day sometime in 1992. Maffeo, who had moved to Washington DC
previously, formed a new band called Lois, recorded two albums,
Butterfly Kiss (K, 1992) and Strumpet (K, 1993) and was called a
folksinger in Option. Maley still lives in Olympia where he runs
the Yo-Yo studio and label, and recently hosted a multi-day,
multi-band indie extravaganza called Yo-Yo A-Go-Go.
* Therapy? (1992-3): If you look back at the Spring, 1993 WXJM
Program Guide, you can see my review of Therapy?'s major-label
debut, Nurse. I noted that the public was tiring of MTV grunge,
and would soon be demanding something a little more substantial. I
predicted that these Killing Joke-influenced Irish lads would be
the proverbial Next Big Thing. Guess I was wrong. Where They Are
Now: Nurse (A&M, 1992) garnered a lot of critical praise but
didn't sell very many copies. Ditto for the followup, Troublegum
(A&M, 1994.) Maybe it was that scary cover art on the
"Teethgrinder" 45... Therapy? are still around and will probably
continue to make records, although I seriously doubt their next LP
will be recorded for A&M. (Therapy? did release an album,
Caucasian Psychosis, on Quarterstick/Touch & Go before they got
signed by A&M, but very few people noticed then, either.)
* Sliang Laos (1993): Richmond, Virginia has long been known for two
musical exports: GWAR, and instrumental, jazz-influenced rock
bands (Alter Natives, Hotel X, King Sour, and perhaps most
notoriously, Breadwinner, kings of the carefully measured,
spastically polyrhythmic form of music that became known as
"math-rock.") Sliang Laos, while not directly affiliated with any
of the above groups, nonetheless uncomfortably (VERY
uncomfortably) fused GWAR's cartoony metal sludge (albeit without
the ridiculous costumes) with the noise and morse-code patterns of
math-rock. The result? Where They Are Now: Sliang Laos cut a 45,
"Alabama Ego" (Tenderizer, 1993), and made appearances on a few
compilations, culminating in a Sliang Laos track appearing on an
Invisible Records compilation, Can You See It Yet? They play live
about once every six months; however, the dueling egos (six or
seven of them) keep them from assembling in one room without
killing each other, and people are afraid to ask them when they're
going to get off their butts and do something new. Many of the
Sliangers have side projects which sound nothing like Sliang Laos,
notably the techno/ambient band Somatron.
So there you go; four bands that I thought were going to do big
things. Courtney Love definitely had their day. Therapy? enjoy some
limited success. Sexy Milkshake broke up before they could sell out.
Sliang Laos hate each other too much to try. What's the moral of the
story? I dunno. Some people make it, some don't. It's hard to predict.
What Ever Happened To __________?
Sean Murphy, grumpy@access.digex.net
NOTE: Before I launch into another "controversial" piece of writing,
I'd like to make a formal apology to all members of the bands Scarce
and Juicy and to Steve Silverstein for my factual errors in Telegraph
#2. While I stand by my personal assessment of the music I saw
displayed by Juicy on one occasion and the stories related to me by
other friends whose musical opinions I value (i.e. they weren't doing
anything remotely interesting or worthwhile on stage), the more
derogatory remarks or insinuations were not specifically intended.
Specifically, I apologize for alleging that Juicy was "merely content"
to mimic Bratmobile's style and devoid of any heart or seriousness.
Additionally, my error in calling Joyce "a member of Juicy" was a
substantial one, particularly for someone who 1.) has been informed
otherwise in the past; and 2.) places a significant value on the
factual accuracy of written material, as those who witnessed my
editorial stint at the Indie List [and the overabundance of square
brackets during that time] may recall.
DISCLAIMER: Any questions or concerns about the content of the
following article should be directed to me at grumpy@access.digex.net.
I do take responsibility for my writing, including its factual
content, its potential pretensions, and some of its possible
implications. Unintended inferences are the responsibility of the
person doing the inferring, however, not mine. I would be happy to
discuss individual points at greater length through private e-mail.
[ This would be a good time to remind everyone that opinions presented
in TG are those of the individual authors, and are not necessarily my
opinions, unless I wrote the text in question. If you have a beef with
an author, take it to them, not me. - Mark ]
OK, enough of that. (Guess who's supposed to be studying for the LSAT
but writing this instead...) Let's get down to business.
"What ever happened to... ?"
It's a nice song lyric, and a decent question to ask every once in a
while. Perhaps just as important as the question, though, are the
reasons the question exists - why things which seemed
great/wonderful/huge just disappear sometimes. (Yes, rhetorical
questions are a bad way to start essays, but nobody's grading this, so
fuck it. It's an easy intro, at any rate...)
A couple days ago, I was listening to a tape I had made early in 1991,
during my first semester as a "full time" college DJ. I didn't own any
of the stuff I taped, though I wanted to have my own copies of each
record (and I still do, oddly enough, after picking up all but 2 of
the culprits). The stuff on side two was King Kong (Movie Star 7"),
Ed's Redeeming Qualities (Ed's Day 7"), Superchunk (4 songs from the
first LP), Dinosaur Jr. (The Wagon 7"), and King Missile (two tracks
from "Mystical Shit"). [Side one was Funkadelic's Maggot Brain and
although it's a wonderful album, it doesn't really enter this
discussion - we all know where George Clinton is right now...] And
Mark's "suggested topic" just hit me. What the fuck happened to all
those bands since I made that tape, considering that I more or less
don't care about what they do at this point?
First, a quick rundown of the bands:
* King Kong - released a second single, then the enormously popular
Old Man On The Bridge LP on Homestead (I can't begin to explain
the number of requests I and my fellow DJs have gotten for the
"heba heba heeba hobba hoba hooba hobba" song). After a tour in
support of that LP, Ethan Buckler broke up the band and then
proceeded to re-form it with a new cast of characters, leading to
the incredibly disappointing Funny Farm LP on the Drag City label.
* Ed's Redeeming Qualities - have a couple LPs, have broken up as
far as I know. The unfortunate death of one member placed a
definite strain on the band, and the songwriting deteriorated -
demented classics like "Lawn Dart" and "The Boy I Work With" gave
way to dull songs notable only for the use of ukeleles and violin.
Carrie Bradley still makes guest appearances on other records
(like the Breeders).
* Superchunk - became the absolute darlings of the independent world
(this was the pre-Slanted & Enchanted era) based on "Slack
Motherfucker." Put out a number of great singles, each time
followed by less successful albums. While I've been complaining
this point for ages, I still think that Jon Wurster's drumming
gets mixed WAY TOO HIGH in live settings, making it impossible to
distinguish songs from each other. This basic formula (great
single, dull LP) will probably persist until the band breaks up.
* Dinosaur Jr. - got signed to Reprise. Put out one somewhat
interesting LP (Green Mind), followed by a dull one (Where You
Been), and now apparently have another new one that I'll hear on
the radio shortly and probably not bother buying. Lou Barlow had
already played his last with J. before "The Wagon" was released,
making the steady decline in Dino-output a potential case of "J.'s
got nobody to fight with - the lack of tension has led him to
produce boring shit not worthy of the name Dinosaur."
* King Missile - got signed based on the strength of their
"underground hit," "Jesus Was Way Cool." Changed the band line-up
and musical sound to the point where kids will slam at their shows
without thinking about it, even when the band decides to cover
Elton John's "Love Lies Bleeding." (No joke - I witnessed this in
March of '93 at the 9:30 Club in DC. Frightening.) They're relying
too much on John S. Hall to make up another couple of stories that
will have the mass appeal of "Jesus..." - and I'm still somewhat
surprised that the record label pushed "Detachable Penis" in this
age of FCC hysteria about indecency and obscenity - this song
breaks the innuendo line a few times... Apparantly, they have a
new LP, too - I'll race you to Tower Records...
Scorecard - 4 bands still active. 2 signed to major labels. 1 1/2
still marginally interesting (I think Ethan Buckler's still got a
trick or two left up his sleeve if he picks up the damn guitar again,
and I'll get back to Superchunk in a moment, but neither one rates a
full band-point).
For 5 bands which seemed really exciting and interesting to me at the
beginning of 1991, a "survival" rate of 35% isn't so hot. Of course,
this may say more about my ability to choose good bands than anything
else, but in 1991, I would bet that many other people were expecting
good things from these same bands.
Superchunk is the most interesting case of the five, because they
illustrate a phenomenon that I'm finally beginning to understand - the
"singles" band. The Buzzcocks and The Jam were singles bands. Pet
Clark was a singles singer. While full LPs from such performers can be
entertaining in toto, more often it is a collection of specific songs
that sparks the most interest. I listen to Singles Going Steady much
more than I listen to A Different Kind Of Tension. For Superchunk, I
think their true defining moments come in 7" doses - Slack
Motherfucker, My Noise, Cast Iron, Mower, What Do I, Cool, Seed Toss,
Precision Auto. For this reason, Tossing Seeds (and its inevitable
future companion) has a place right next to Singles Going Steady (and
the forthcoming Tsunami singles comp) in my heart - that's where the
winners are, without it being an explicit "greatest hits" package. In
a difference over the days of Pet Clark, however, it's not a label
executive declaring "we need a hit single before we release an album"
but rather a quirk of fate that makes this all possible. [I'm obvously
going to allow for the occasional great song to slip by onto the LP
format - Not Tomorrow being my favorite example for Chunk - but in
general the LPs ride on the singles at best and bury them at worst.]
Essentially, some bands just aren't meant to make LPs. When they
persist in doing so, they risk losing the attention of the people most
inclined to like them. I don't think all the bands listed above were
singles bands - Dinosaur wasn't, and King Kong's first LP was a
cohesive, solid listening experience. Superchunk is a singles band (or
rather, Mac is a single-writer - looking over his expanse of recorded
output, I find it much easier to extract songs than full recorded
units, from Slushpuppies to Wwax to my beloved Bricks to Portastatic.)
Extended listening can become tiresome, and this isn't an effect of
MTV or any other cultural phenomenon.
At the same time, there are numerous counterexamples to the singles
band. MX-80 Sound LPs should be listened to in their entirety. The
same is true for Antietam. Husker Du. (If you still haven't done this,
listen to Zen Arcade, all four sides, in one sitting, preferably at
high volume and with lots of caffeine accessible. It's a truly
mindblowing experience to reach the piano interludes or the false end
siren in "Recurring Dreams" and then get kicked back into the frenzy.)
Rodan (R.I.P., and may all their individual musical endeavors in the
future be as successful). Lots of jazz should be taken in full blocks
- A Love Supreme, a significant portion of Charlie Mingus's stuff,
Pharoah Sanders, Anthony Braxton, Eric Dolphy. I can't imagine
listening to excerpts from Terry Riley's "Descending Moonshine
Dervishes" or "A Rainbow in Curved Air" although the shorter of those
two pieces is 18 minutes (the longer is 52 minutes). Ditto for Glass's
"Einstein On The Beach" - a major part of the effect of the work is
the saturation of repetition and arpeggiation.
What is the point, you ask? Well, perhaps bands should do some sort of
self-evaluation every so often. They should look at what they've done,
what they've been satisfied with, what has interested them the most.
I'm not saying that a "singles band" can't make a coherent, satisfying
LP. (Superchunk's first LP was a good one, not just because it had
"Slack MF" and "My Noise" on it.) Bands should recognize their
strengths, however, and while they shouldn't rest on their laurels,
it's still worth knowing what you're good at and occasionally sticking
to it or going back to it. Neil Young has tried a million and one
different musical experiments, but every so often he takes the time to
record with Crazy Horse. It's not always perfect, but the musical
environment "Neil Young with Crazy Horse" is a known commodity where
it's safe and certain types of songs will essentially "work,"
particularly the epic guitar stuff (though that ploy doesn't work on
Sleeps With Angels). It's not just a gesture for the fans, it's not
cashing in (unlike the "reunion" tours of late - why the fuck do we
need a fucking Eagles tour with $100+ tickets at the box office?),
it's a return to an accustomed, enjoyable musical expression.
So, I've rambled far off the intended path, come to no real
conclusions, and wasted a significant amount of time (both mine in
writing and yours in reading). I'm bound to come back to these ideas
again (both "whatever happened to" and the idea of singles vs. lp
bands) but maybe I'll have more coherent points to make next time.
Maybe we can get a discourse going on the more philosophical aspects
of music instead of x number of people spitting their thoughts into
the wind.
Whatever it all means, at least there was music then that made a
difference. Maybe there are a couple bands in the world which have had
the plain goal of making one single and then disappearing, but if
someone heard that single, then the band filled its role. Maybe I'm
full of shit. These issues aren't changing, though - it's just the
examples pulled or the circumstances under which they're revisited
that vary, based on writers and their experiences. But if anyone out
there has that Ed's Redeeming Qualities single, I'd still like to have
a copy - "Lawn Dart" still makes me both laugh and cry and that's a
good feeling to have sometimes.
Nostalgia Is Beautiful
Jodi Shapiro, jodi@dsm.fordham.edu
There are a lot of records in my room, my mom's house (taking up her
closet space, she yells), my dad's house, my office. A lot of them
haven't been played in a long while for one reason or another. Some
are just unpacked from my last move (two years ago, if you must know).
Some are truly forgotten and my kids will find them and say "Hey mom!
You liked these guys?".
Then there's the ones that I can't get to because they're in my mom's
house upstate (though I couldn't live without Tar's Jackson so I
bought it on CD), and I didn't have a turntable until a week or so
ago, so I didn't bother to bring them to my apartment. I fished it out
of the garbage and re-wired some things. It works like new, and now I
wish I had these four records with me:
* Dirt, "Cleft On The Chin, Devil Within" 7": John Forbes is in
Mount Shasta now, but Dirt was where he started yelling. They were
pretty much ignored when they were around, maybe because they were
based in Atlanta, not the hotbed of musical scenes. Eventually
they mutated into Seersucker, put out a full album, then imploded.
I only know of one other person who liked Dirt, and that's Steve
Albini (gratuitious name-drop) and I'm not sure what that means. I
got this single when I was working at Rockpool, and I played it
every day for about three months. I hummed it in class. The
b-side, "Booger" was cool too. Everyone thought I was crazy, which
made me feel better.
* In Tua Nua, The Long Acre: Okay, it's wussy Celtic pop, but "Don't
Fear Me Now" was an aces song, as was the rest of the album. It's
probably the only album out of my "I love U2 so I have to buy all
these other Irish records too" phase that I actually miss. I
bought it on the way home one day, in The Wiz, because I had heard
one of the songs on the radio and liked it. The girl's voice was
really beautiful. As was the custom with bands I liked in high
school, they were destined to obscurity. I think this was their
only album.
* Sad Sack, "Heinous Bitch" 7": I got this from two guys in Albany,
Jack and Dave. They ran a record store named ERL and later started
the record label of the same name. I'd spend about $100 a week
there, using my food money for as many singles as I could afford.
Dave and Jack always took care of me, giving me credit, slipping
free records in my bag, special ordering stuff. The store is gone
now (or so I'm told), but Dave and Jack are out there somewhere.
Sad Sack was the third or fourth record ERL put out, pre-Mosquito
and Jad Fair stuff. It was poorly recorded, cheaply pressed and
had a handmade cheesy cover. The singer sounds like he's drowning,
and the drum machine sounds tinny. The song is timeless, with it's
chorus of "Heinous bitch! Fucking witch!". There's a real neat
guitar hook buried somewhere in this sludge, and I can still play
it if I really concentrate. I saw a copy of this in Reckless
(Chicago) a few weeks ago and tried to convince my friend Nuuj
that it was worth getting. It's still there. What a pity.
* Olivelawn, any and all: Now they're broken up, because they all
hated each other's guts. Some are in fluf, another great band I
never shut up about. Their "Instant Punk Rock Song Just Add Water"
single is indespensable. I've owned their first album a total of
three times (well, 2 1/2 because one got stolen out of a friend's
car). So they were derivative punk rock. They still fried my
burger.
There's lots more. Like a lot of people, I started really buying
records when I was in high school. Nobody else ever liked what I
liked, and if they did, they never admitted it. Lots of stuff I liked
back then has stuck with me, and I eventually found other people who
had those records too. Some of those bands are regarded as
'influential' now, which makes me feel sort of smug when someone says
"Hey, these guys were really cool- -where was I?". I just sit there
quietly and think about the day I went to the CBGB record canteen and
bought it.
The Alternative Beer (non-musical article, but with a humorous slant)
Mark Cornick, mscornic@vax1.acs.jmu.edu
I guess it was bound to happen eventually. Parntership For A Drug-Free
America contributors Anheuser-Busch, manufacturers of a popular
recreational drug called Budweiser, has realized what Taco Bell did a
couple years back: that they better start marketing to that Generation
X pretty damn quick!
The result: Bud Dry, one of the absolute worst beers I've ever had
(and that includes Milwaukee's Beast), is now marketed as "The
Alternative Beer." Jangle-pop radio commercials,
win-a-trip-to-the-Reading-Festival contests, blah blah blah. Drink Bud
Dry, they say, and you'll be a young, cool, totally-with-it
alternadude/alternababe.
I'll approach this from several sides:
1. Principled Rant: Who'd be drinking an "alternative beer"? Right,
alternadudes and alternababes. How many alternadweebs do you know
that are of age? I don't know any. (At least, I don't know anyone
of age that would dare call themselves "alternative." It kinda
dates you, ya know.) Given the fact that hundreds of teens
(alternative or not) die or are injured in alcohol-related
incidents each year, I'd say it's pretty damn irresponsible of
Anheuser-Busch to market to a hugely underage demographic. I got
nothing against beer - I drink, copiously on occasion, never to
inebriation - but there's enough pressure on kids to drink without
this "alternative" shit.
2. Indie-centric Rant: Bud Dry? A major-label beer? Alternative?
Fuck, no! I ain't buying no corporate beer! (And that includes
those psuedo-indie beers like Icehouse.) Bartender! A round of
Yuengling Porter for me and my indie-punk friends! (Shit. The Man
just keeps eating into every last bit of the independent world.
Damn. Next thing you know, Sam Adams'll sign a bottling deal with
Miller.)
3. The Pragmatic Approach: Well, I guess Bud Dry could be an
alternative beer. I mean, if they were out of everything else,
including Oly (it's the^H^H^H water!) and I really needed to
drink, Bud Dry would be my only alternative.
4. Rebuttal Of The Pragmatic Approach: I'd never be *that* desperate.
5. Budget-Conscious Approach: Hey, wait a minute. Bud Dry's a
"premium" beer (it costs more money.) Alternative folks ain't got
no cash. They just spent it all on Lollapalooza. They can't afford
nothing but Beast. Man, Beast's the alternative beer. No question
about it.
6. And finally, Mark's honest opinion: If you ask me, the Radioactive
Rat Brewery 1993 Pumpkin Brew was a truly alternative beer. (What
the hell brewing process was that, Mike?) Actually, I think the
whole idea is fucking ludicrous. It's a good thing we Generation
X'ers are supposed to be immune to advertising, eh? Whatever.
IndieCoRe's Field Guide To The Internet seeks listings
Mark Cornick, mscornic@vax1.acs.jmu.edu
Indie-List Communications Research (IndieCoRe, aka ILIJ) is
currently seeking listings for IndieCoRe's Field Guide To The
Internet. This joint IL/TG project will create a net-accessible
list of indie-related resources on Internet: mailing lists,
newsgroups, WWW pages, FTP archives, label/band addresses, etc.
The purpose is twofold: (1) to help indie fans on the Net find new
stuff to check out, and (2) to help the people operating these
resources get some publicity. We seek your input - take a look
through your hotlist and tip us off to your favorite indie
net.stuff. We have a few stipulations:
+ Resources must be available to the general public. Also, this
guide will be widely distributed over Internet, so please
don't ask for a listing for a resource that's averse to this
sort of publicity (there are some out there - if you're not
sure, check with the owner first.)
+ Label/band addresses will be listed only if directly
requested by the owner of the address. That is, an address
won't be listed unless the person who owns that account sends
mail (from that account) requesting a listing. This is to
respect people's decisions as to whether or not they want to
receive mail (and how much.)
+ Include a short (5 lines or less) description to go along
with the listing. Be objective.
+ Anything indie-related is acceptable. Listings will only be
rejected if the editors deem them unrelated (in some way or
another) to indie music.
If you'd like to have something listed, send the appropriate
information to mscornic@vax1.acs.jmu.edu. We will continue
accepting listings through the end of November.
Live Review: Jawbox/Picasso Trigger/Maximillian Colby
Mark Cornick, mscornic@vax1.acs.jmu.edu
Earlier I mentioned that the next show to arrive in Harrisonburg
(at the time that article was written) would be Jawbox with
Picasso Trigger, sponsored by WXJM. Well, they came, they played,
and here's what happened.
Opening the show were local hardcore heroes Maximillian Colby. Two
old friends of mine, neither of whom I've talked to lately, are in
the group. They played the sort of dense, heavy emo HC that's all
the vogue around here lately. A little bit Gorilla Biscuits, a
little bit Fugazi and a little bit just plain screamin'. Couldn't
understand a word they said, but I enjoyed their set. (MC are
releasing a record on California's Nervous Wreckids some time soon
- look for it.)
I was planning on skipping Picasso Trigger - they've never really
floated my boat, so to speak - but decided to stay and give them
another chance. Their Southern-fried punk was OK but not
memorable, except for the idiot stagedivers who knocked over two
light towers. (WXJM's faculty advisor came to this show, but
fortunately she left before the lights came down.) PT's best songs
were the ones when singer Kathy pulled out a trumpet or trombone,
but even then they just sounded like Geezer Lake on ephedrine. I
dunno - they didn't fit very well with the other two bands and
they had a bad attitude overall.
Jawbox - well, I like each Jawbox LP more than I liked the
previous one, and apparently that pattern's going to work for live
shows too. I saw Jawbox a few years ago (in between Grippe and
Novelty) and thought they were OK. This time they were great. J.
Robbins (gtr/vox) seemed a little tired (especially when
chastising the afore-mentioned stagedivers) but Bill Barbot
(gtr/vox) made up for it, taping his set list to a fan in the
front row and cracking jokes throughout. Kim Coleatta (bs) was the
most fun to watch, though - during the first few songs she had
this goofy "Uh, how're we doing?" look on her face, followed by an
equally goofy "Aw, thanks guys" look between songs. (She also
jumped around a lot, like Laura from Superchunk - is this a female
bassist's thing? Beats me.) Jawbox played several songs from their
big-time LP For Your Own Special Sweetheart as well as a few songs
from earlier LPs and a couple of new ones. They may be some huge
rock stars now (I heard some high school kids went and got
autographs) but they're as personable as ever, and they put on a
fantastic set, Atlantic or not. (So all the people whining about
them leaving Dischord can shut up. Now.)
Final count: Two great bands, one OK band, two light towers down,
one stagediver injury, and the radio station turned a profit for
the first time ever (at one of these shows.) Awesome.
Coursing Thru The Wires
(TG's cool stuff of the month)
MARK
+ LaBradford, "Julius" (Merge)
+ Slint, untitled 10" (Touch & Go)
+ Stereolab, Mars Audiac Quintet (Elektra)
+ The Fall, Middle Class Revolt (Matador)
+ Slug, The Out Sound (PCP)
+ Brise-Glace, When In Vanitas... (Skin Graft)
+ Noise Addict, "Young And Jaded" (Grand Royal)
+ Lync, These Are Not Fall Colors (K)
+ Smog, Burning Kingdom (Drag City)
+ East River Pipe, Shining Hours In A Can (Ajax)
+ Very Pleasant Neighbor, The Boy With Only One Head (Big Ten
Rex/D-Tox)
+ Muppet Voice zine (contact johnson@mail.ph.ac.ed.uk for info)
+ Talk Soup (E! Entertainment Television)
+ Disney's decision not to build a theme park in Haymarket, VA
(population <1000)
+ URouLette
+ Sam & Max Hit The Road CD-ROM (LucasArts)
+ Fruitopia Lemonade Love & Hope (Coca-Cola - ditch the
hippy-shit name, d00dz)
+ Lettuce
SEAN
Hmmm... tougher choices this time due to less influx of new
music... lots of evenings spent with my trusty Mac and my stereo
have led to a renewed look through my record collection...
+ Television Personalities, Live at Forum Enger (Pastell)
+ Bullet LaVolta, Swandive ("some icky major label")
+ Death of Samantha, "Strungout On Jargon" (Homestead)
+ The Clean, Compilation (Homestead/Flying Nun) - I'm still
meaning to get the CD version with about 30 more songs, but
hearing "Slug Song" first thing in the morning is a good way
to avoid the "wrong side of the bed" blues.
+ The Skatalites, "Guns of Navarone"
+ Rolando and the Soul Brothers, "Phoenix City"
+ The Gaylads, "Stop Making Love"
+ Rita Marley, "The Pied Piper" [All these songs are on a great
compilation called Club Ska '67 (Mango) and they make me
dance, not just bob my head over/under/sideways/down, which
finally brings me to...]
+ Yardbirds, Great Hits of... (Atlantic)
JODI
+ fluf, Home Improvements : It's old, yeah, but these guys make
music that reminds me of the days when I could actually dance
a little. I saw that horrible Tower Records magazine compare
them to Husker Du, which isn't really fair to both bands. O's
voice is a lot like Burton Cummings'.
+ Polonium, Safe: Some of my old next door neighbors are in
this band, and the tape is 45 minutes of Earth/Melvins/Zeni
Geva inspired stuff. I listen to it while I back up the
systems here and it makes the time go by much quicker. They
do a cover of ZG's "Autobody" live too. $4 from 2486 Hughes
Ave. #7, Bronx, NY 10458.
+ The Baffler #5: I dare you to read it all in one sitting. No,
I double dog dare you.
+ Pulp Fiction: All I can say is Samuel L. Jackson should be
nominated for an Academy Award. Sure there was a lot of hype,
but it's all true.
+ Sound Master: A little freeware program for the Macintosh
that lets you assign sounds to different keys, like the
delete or escape keys, as well as grow/shrink windows,
errors, etc. It's great for the clueless in your office, who
will call you over and say "My mac hates me, it belched when
I emptied the trash!"
Credits
+ Publishers: Telegraph Pioneers Of America
+ Editor: Mark Cornick
+ Senior Writers: Sean Murphy, Jodi Shapiro
+ Postmaster: Sean Murphy
+ Subscription requests should be addressed to
grumpy@access.digex.net. Other Telegraph-related mail
should be addressed to mscornic@vax1.acs.jmu.edu. (These
addresses point to real people, not LISTSERVs or Majordomos,
so please phrase your requests in human language.) Authors of
individual articles can be contacted at the address listed
above their article.
Telegraph archives
+ http://www.etext.org/Zines/Telegraph/
+ ftp://ftp.etext.org/pub/Zines/Telegraph/
+ gopher://gopher.etext.org/
The entire contents of Telegraph Transmission Three, The Search
For Spock are in the public domain. Please copy and distribute. We
would appreciate it if you would leave these credits intact.
Opinions presented in articles are those of the individual authors
and do not necessarily represent the opinions of anyone else.
Please address rebuttals, me-toos, or hate mail to the individual
authors, not to TG in general.
On a similar topic, while we believe everything printed here to be
true, we cannot under any circumstances guarantee it. That is,
anything written here may not be factually correct. Errors are the
fault of the individual authors.

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-= Truth Is Stranger Then Fiction =-
Issue 1:
Demonic Possessions & Exorcisms
Written By Parker Lewis [Vandals] (an681512@anon.penet.fi)
This is a new publication that I'll be starting, it is dedicated to the
world of strange phenomena which I've been interested in for several years
now, with the everyday routine that we live everyday, it's good to know that
there is much more to live then what is presented to us, it gives more
meaning to life. Anyways thats what this new text file series from The
Vandals will be about, contributions will be excepted. In this first "issue"
I'll be writting about Devil Possessions, which in my opinion is probably one
of the scariest phenomenas. I hope you enjoy this new series.
A person is known to be possessed when they start reacting in a violent
nature. For no appearent reason they become violent, they twist and tangle
their arms and legs in such ways that no one is able to untangle them,
sometimes their bodies can become so regit that outside force is unable to
move it, while at other times their bodies can become so flexiable that the
person is able to move the body in positions not normally possible without
the breakage of bones or joints, at times the person who has been possessed
is known to transform into a snakelike creature, the person's body would
become as flexible as rubber, and they would writhe along the floor, their
neck would elongate, thereby enhancing the serpent image. In the case of
Clara Germana Cele, when she bit one of the nuns which were supervising her,
in the arm, the arm revealed Germana's teeth marks as well as well as a small
red puncture which resembled a snake bite. The person who has been possessed
has no control over their own body, only the Devil can give peace to these
objects of his torture.
Another phenomena which occurs while the person is under control from the
Devil is the ability to levitate. People have been known to float various
feets in the air, both in a horizontal position (with their bodies extended
outwards) and a vertical position (with their feet downwards). While they
are floating, their bodies are rigid and their clothing remain tightly
attached to their bodies instead of falling down as would be expected.
Attempting to pull the person down while they are levitating is a worthless
task, only after having holy water strinkeled on the body, does the body
begin to descent and the clothing begins to fall loosely. Sometimes instead
of just levitating upwards, the body is thrown in various directions as if it
were a play toy.
When under control of the Devil, the person shows a hatered for all
relegious objects. The Devil is able to sense the presence of relegious
objects even if they are well hidden or concealed, pouring ordinary water on
him will only make him laugh whereas holy water will cause him much pain.
A person who has been possessed will refuse to eat food which has been
secretly blessed with holy water, or cower at the sight of a rosery or a
cross.
Another sign of possession by the Devil include vomiting of repulsive
substances like yellow foam, feathers, seeweed and tabacco leaves which emite
such horrible smells that the only way to get rid of it is to burn the object
which the vomit fell on. This evil smell can fill out a room, and make a
person's presence in the room nearly impossible, to give you an idea of how
bad the smell is, it smells even worst then Serial Link and his "Avengers"
group, but not by much (sorry, I just had to add that in there). Before the
vomit is expeled, the body becomes bloated as if it were about to burst.
A most frequent sign of supernatural ability comes in the form of
clairvoyancy. The person is able to predict deaths or accidents as well as
events taking place far from where the person is located, they may also use
this clairvoyancy to bring on shame to someone, by reveling scandalous
details of their private lives, complete with dates, times and names.
While under control of the Devil, the Devil may manifest himself by other
actions like infesting the victim's head with red lice which can only be
cured by pouring holy water on the victims head, utter shocking profanities,
make strange animal noises or really horrible screams which are unbareable,
for extented periods of time. The person may also start to talk to invisible
beings or demon drawings and show a great fascination for diabolic things.
The person may also have the ability to speak in different languages never
before spoken. Sometimes the words don't come from the person's mouth, they
seem to be coming from within.
For the rites of exorcism to be executed, the priest must first seek
permission from the bishop. During the exorcism the priest may be acompanied
by another priest and people who are physicly prepared for the challenge. In
some countries like for example, Germany, a physician must also be present to
evaluate the physical state of the victim. Exorcisms can take as long as a
few days to a couple of months or maybe even longer. Throught out the
exorcism the priests and the attending people must be both physicly and
mentally prepared for the task. They must endure the Devil's crys of pain,
as well as attacks from the Devil and this may take up to several sleepless
days. The Demons who have taken control of the body may choose to identify
themselves and their reasons for possessing the body. When the demons
finally surrender, they mark their departure from the body with either a show
of levitation, by leaving behind a foul odor or by some other action.
There are three ways that a person can get possessed although they are not
the only ways. The first is just a random person who the Devil chooses to
take control over, the second is if the person makes a pact with the Devil
and the third is if a person is cursed by someone who is damned after they
die.
Skeptics dismiss possession by the Devil and attribute the person's actions
to an epilepsy attack, hysteria or psychological conditions like multiple
personalities. They consider demonic possession as medieval superstition and
ignorance. There is some degree of truth to their thinkings, but it only
explains certain conditions that is shown on a person who has been possessed.
During an epilepsy attack a person's muscles can become rigid and foam may be
produced in the mouth, the person may move their head in a back and forth
motion, the distortion of the face and strange guttural noises coming from a
spasm of the throat muscles may also be produced. During an attack the body
may bend back in a semi-circle, this is known as the hysterical arch, and
it's frequently seen in cases of possession. An average epilepsy attack can
last up to five minutes. These conditions do resemble some symptoms of a
person who has been possessed, but they choose to ignore the other signs of
possessions like levitation, the ability to speak in a foreign tongue, etc.
which can not be explained by modern day medical science. It is by these
paranormal phenomena that the church identifies a case of demonic possession,
other symptoms are the hatred for relegious objects and the ability to detect
relegious objects which have been hidden or concealed.
All information in this text file has been gathered from the following
publications:
<20> Mysteries Of The Unexplained By Readers Digest
<20> Demon Children By Martin Ebon
<20> Exorcism: Fact Not Fiction By Martin Ebon
<20> Diabolical Possession And Exorcism By Rev. John J. Nicola
<20> The New York Times, August 8, 1976
Article: Possessed By Satan By Adolf Rodewyk
"Theres More In Heaven And Earth Then What Is Dreamt Up In Your Philosofy"

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.
TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK :
=============================================================================
ThE LaMeR Kr0NiCkleS - Issue #001 1994
=============================================================================
TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK : TLK :
=============================================================================
Here is a capture file from IRC (Internet Relay Chat) on the channel
#ANSi. As it gets further and further, notice how much lamer and lamer
these losers get. Arguing about artist stealing for about a half an hour!
Not to mention a bunch of other stupid shit. I finally had to logoff
because I was basicly just wasting too much time. Who knows how much
longer they were arguing about the subject.
- Prostate Breath [TLK]
Greets going out to:
ACiD: You suck..
iCE: You suck too..
Anyone I missed: You suck even more!
=============================================================================
ThE LaMeR aWaRDZ fOr THiS iSSuE
=============================================================================
The "I got ragged on to death"
award goes to: Deeply Disturbed (Dd_ice, Deeply_D)
The "I looked like a complete idiot"
award goes to: Deeply Disturbed (Dd_ice, Deeply_D)
The "I have no life so I sit on IRC 24
hours a day" award goes to: cavalier (cav, cavalier_)
The "I'm almost cool only because I
ragged on Deeply Disturbed" award
goes to: RaDMan (RM_ACiD)
The "I can't stop crying because you
keep stealing all our members" award
goes to: Mass Delusion (md)
The "I run the shittiest art group
out of everyone in the channel" award
goes to: The Guardian (TGuardian)
* WARNING!! THIS NEXT SECTION IS VERY LONG! So grab some popcorn and enjoy!
=============================================================================
LeT tHE FeSTiViTieS BeGin
=============================================================================
LAMENESS INITIATED
*--* 10-15-94 - 16:10:28 *--*
<TGuardian> there was like 3 more that the seniors asked
<CheeseG> dd: so that rumor true or not? :)
- Yes it is true.. Deeply Disturbed does like little boys..
*** Cursed-D (~root@TRADER.STERN.NYU.EDU) has joined channel #ansi
<Animal> Yo Biggy !
*** Signoff: Sun-Serv (Reloading...)
<TGuardian> what about neurosis?
<Dd_ice> animal: i dunno
*** Cursed-D has left channel #ansi
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<Dd_ice> cheese: dd_ice dude :)
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<Animal> Dd, i'm stuck..
- Uhh.. I won't even bother.. =)
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<CheeseG> dd: aight!
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<md> tg: name 'em.9 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
*** Signoff: pDX (Ping timeout)
<CheeseG> biggfryguy!
<md> neurosis contacted us as well
<RM_ACiD> *Animal* chris ?
<aBOM> sY
<RM_ACiD> COULD be/whois wd
<TGuardian> md: you didnt ask him to join?d
- What? You have to ask to get on #Fag now?
*** wdd: No such nick/channel
<Animal> Chris u fool.. :)/whois
<md> tg: nope. he came to us.wd
*** wd: No such nick/channel
<Strict9> blah blah blah
*** Signoff: Ulysses (brb)
<aBOM> md: unfortunatly ;)/whois whodini
*** Whodini is FINmec0.m@obelix.wu-wien.ac.at (mec0.mec.ohio.gov)
*** on channels: #ansi
*** on irc via server olymp.wu-wien.ac.at ([137.208.8.30 6666] Vienna,
+Austria)
*** Whodini has been idle 1 minutes
<Deeply_D> ah shut up about this or ill go steall your fucken members, its a
+part of the scene it always has always will be10 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<RM_ACiD> md: I KEEL YOU! I KEEEEEEEL YOU!
<TGuardian> md: well you stole hound to union when he was in idiom, (the
+founding of shiver :)
<md> abom: huh? oh.. :)
<RM_ACiD> md: I BOMB YOUR PLACE!
<TGuardian> md: so :P
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<md> rm: eYE kNOW jOO sEEEEEECRETZZZZ
- So he finds pleasure shoving spoons up his ass. That's no secret man.
<RM_ACiD> dd gets so mad, he thinks he can steal artists
<CheeseG> ABommmmmmMMMMM
<RM_ACiD> ellllllllete
<md> eYE kEEEEEEL jOO
<Raistlin_> WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU SIR?
<aBOM> cHhHEhEHheheHEHheheZZZ
<md> rm: w0rd to dat
<RM_ACiD> immature.
<Raistlin_> SHUT THE FUCK UP.
<RM_ACiD> dd=12
- No, actually 12 is the age of the boys he's attracted to the most.
<aBOM> heh
<RM_ACiD> dd=ice=gay=12ys old
<Pv_Raid> hahaha1 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<aBOM> you guys are too harsh to dEEdEE..
- Well, I guess it would only be fair that they use some form of
lubrication.
<RM_ACiD> DD: Animal [iCE] wants to show you his NEW KILLER ANSI
- That's not all he want's to show you I'm sure..
<Deeply_D> rm: and?
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<Animal> heh..
<Deeply_D> cheese: i dunno
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<RM_ACiD> heh
<RM_ACiD> and nothing
<RM_ACiD> I didn't see an and statement
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<Raistlin_> ..
<RM_ACiD> DD: Look at his shit
<aBOM> raist: wuZup
<Deeply_D> later
<Deeply_D> my account sucks
- That's not all that sucks you freak!
<cavalier_> back
<cavalier_> after the damn dialup died.
<CheeseG> lates dd
<cavalier_> SO WHO HERE WANTS TO DANCE?!2 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
- I think you're in the wrong channel buddy.. Hmm.. Maybe not.
<CheeseG> deee are deee
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* pDX iz back
* RM_ACiD wants to BOOGEY to the BEAT
<pDX> Rm
<pDX> cheesyg
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<pDX> s9
<CheeseG> pdx
<pDX> cg, zup?
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<Strict9> cheeseg
-Cursed-D:#ansi- Cursed-D TRIED to leave... IRCop rules.
-Cursed-D:#ansi- Cursed-D is 3l33+... *
<CheeseG> pdx: nuttin' much
<ASSASSiN> KC!
<RM_ACiD> Boogey-Woogey to the bumpodabeat
<CheeseG> strict9999
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<cavalier_> werrrrd..
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*** Whodini (FINmec0.m@obelix.wu-wien.ac.at) has joined channel #ansi3 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client hois deepl
<cavalier_> holy shit cursed-d is elite.
<CheeseG> w3rd... pakedy_d
*** Deeply_D is tic@eckert.info.polymtl.ca (Tan Buu Duc)
*** on channels: #ansi
*** on irc via server sifon.cc.mcgill.ca ([thalassa.cc.mcgill.ca] McGill
+University, Computi)
<RM_ACiD> dd:WHAT?!
<Sun-Serv> ..
<pDX> time ta jet
<pDX> later ppl
<Sun-Serv> Damnit..
<Strict9> strictninethousandandninetynine
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<md> sTRICT9
<Whodini> I'm outah here too.. PeaCe
<Deeply_D> rm: chill out with all this flaming crap its getting old
- Awww.. Are the boys picking on you again?
<Animal> hS
<pDX> later
<aBOM> hmm
<bmagik> re's all..
<CheeseG> yeh, rm, stay loose...
- Why, is cavaliers ass to tight for you?
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<md> dd: what gets old is concentrated attacks on upcoming groups. that whut
+gets old.4 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<Whodini> bah.. caught already..
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<Animal> Dd, at least did i dcc it to ya ?
<aBOM> i think Van Goh said it best .. "it's only art"
<aBOM> err was it someone else.. ?
<aBOM> whatever
<RM_ACiD> Dd: CHECK OUT HIS SHIT
- Yeesh.. Wait for the guy to take it our first..
<RM_ACiD> chaos
<cavalier_> #aNSIaRT
<Deeply_D> md: why are you telling me this? i havent stolen anybody other then
+MM but i thought he wanst in any group...
<CheeseG> rm: who'z shit?
<TGuardian> md: your not upcoming :)
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<Deeply_D> animal: yup you did
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<TGuardian> md: union is in the top 3
<RM_ACiD> #ANSiArT es muy elite
<RM_ACiD> cg: Is your name DD?! NO!
<RM_ACiD> shit/name #Ansiar
<md> dd: so you gonna let him go back to union now?
<TGuardian> md: you guys are ice, acid, quality you cant say your an upcoming
+groupt
<RM_ACiD> Cheese:You're a grate guy and all, but butt out
- See Cheese, I told you he was just using you for sex!
<CheeseG> rm: no, but yer talking in a public channel, bud.5 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<Deeply_D> md: he dont want to go to union dude...
<md> tg: we're upcoming inthe sense that we're annnoying ice/acid :)
<aBOM> muwahaha
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<aBOM> chEEZ g0T dA pHUNK
<cavalier_> [uNION rOX.]
<md> dd: i'll tell you whut bullshit is, you didn't KNOW he was in union?!
<aBOM> join #ansiart n0wWWwWwWwWwWwwW
<md> dd: the topic for #ice was MAGNETIC M WILL JOIN ICE!!!!
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<md> bOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLshit t
<cavalier_> # A N S I A R T rt
*** #Ansiart: No such nick/channel/
<Deeply_D> md: yup i didnt cuz you see i dont call out much anymore and he
+tends to stay to himslef hes not on any networks, and when i asked him to
+join he said "sure ok"
<aBOM> aaannnnnnnnnnnnZZzziiiiiiiiiiii -art-name #A
<cavalier_> # A N S I A R T
<cavalier_> # A N S I A R T nsi6 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<cavalier_> # A N S I A R T
<cavalier_> # A N S I A R T
<cavalier_> # A N S I A R T
<hs> #ansiartart
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<Strict9> i hate that guy
<md> dd: uh huh. i find this extremely hard to believe. sorry.
<Strict9> always begging for sites
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<widow_mak> y0y0y0
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<CheeseG> wm
<Deeply_D> md: talk to him yourself, i aint got not time to argue with you
+about such a stupid matter get over it
<Deeply_D> brb7 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
*** Signoff: Deeply_D (Leaving)
<md> haha.. dd: whutever dude.. you've been .. pUSSY.
- Pussy? You mean something other than your hand?
<cavalier_> keep on calling me.
<TGuardian> md: so your saying you wouldnt ask an iCE guy to join union?
<RM_ACiD> dd es muy lamo
<md> jeezus christ.. what unbelievable bULLshIT
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<Deeply_d> animal: send it to me again
<RM_ACiD> tg:I would ask ANY ice guy to join union
<md> tg: nope, unless he said he was thinking of leaving, then i'd say this
+'well, if you do leave, then feel free to come to us, but we're not asking
+you to leave ice for us'
<RM_ACiD> tg:Would _you_ want the reputation of being gay?
<aBOM> heh
<TGuardian> md: get over it man... he aint coming back... in shiver we have
+lost over 30 members to other groups.. you have to live with it..
<aBOM> tG is gay8 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<md> tg: you're shiver.
<TGuardian> md: aka they have been asked to join and joined
<md> we're union.
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<TGuardian> md: that dont matter
<md> we don't work by your policy
<TGuardian> md: what policy?
*** cavalier_ has changed the topic on channel #ansi to EViL iCE D00DS STRiKE
+AGAiN.
<aBOM> Shiver has a Quality Control of ZILCH
<md> lOYALTY.
<md> lOYALTY.
<md> lOYALTY.
<md> lOYALTY.
<widow_mak> who did ice steal this time?
<md> what's whut we work with.
<TGuardian> md: we have tons of loyalty too
<Animal> Dd, ok, u getting it now..
<Deeply_d> animal: yup
<cavalier_> md: if your members are loyal you have no prob.s magnetic m was
+obviously another self serving artist.
<TGuardian> md: why do you think axe battler stayed in shiver when he had a
+chance to join acid or ice
<Deeply_d> we didnt STEAL anybody
<md> tg: don't even try to compare shiver and union, we run our groups
+completely differnt.
<TGuardian> md: or spectre...
<aBOM> Shiver Has like 300 ansis in their packs.. but most of them suck
<TGuardian> md: or cyber
<Animal> Dd, 'coo
<RM_ACiD> WHO IS AXE BATTLER9 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<widow_mak> no one's ever left vor for another group, even though lots have
+been asked.. (some have left after we've kicked them out (cough, cough,
+ackman))
<RM_ACiD> I never axed him to join ACiD!
<RM_ACiD> hehe
<Deeply_d> brb
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<TGuardian> rm: beastie said that
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<Strict9> abom: true true
* RM_ACiD pleads innocence
<md> cav: no.. he wuz new.. eye dunno, this pisses me off.
<TGuardian> rm: ask beastie about him
<cavalier_> RM: A NICE ANSI nIgGgGGgGG. we had him in tribe for about an hour.
<CheeseG> strange how everyone gets mad at ice, but when acid "acquires" about
+5 members from other groups, no one complains.
- That's cause they get free blows out of it from Corwin. Would you
complain?
<TGuardian> cg: cause ice is gay :)
* RM_ACiD wipes the sweat off his brows
<RM_ACiD> whew
<md> cg: acid took our musician.
<aBOM> Axe Battler? he doesn't draw for shiver anymore.. you can consider him
+an artist, but he hasn't drawn for 2 months..
<md> i'm not happy about htis either.
<aBOM> don't use him in this talk
<aBOM> it won't work
<TGuardian> abom: i know hes outta the scene...
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<md> and he's my personal friend.. sho i'm gonna talk to him.
<CheeseG> md: I don't see you bashing acid, nor did i ever.20 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<TGuardian> abom: im talking about 7/94
<RM_ACiD> cg:Whyshould they
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<Deeply_d> brb
<CheeseG> rm: yer just being hypocritical.
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<TGuardian> smaa!
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<aBOM> oh god
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<aBOM> i'm getting shit-e lag
<Deeply_d> animal: you improved ALOT, good job...
<md> rm: joo sotle Ded Silence. aINT hAPPY bOUT dAT eITHER, hE wILL cUM bAK.
<TGuardian> md: if the person really wanted to stay in the group he would stay
+if not he would leave... i mean its not like you own teh person
<Deeply_d> animal: one thing tho, you should choose more original pictures,
+cuz that pic has been done like 3 times in the past 3 months :)
<Animal> Dd, thanks man
<aBOM> animal: i wanna se
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<Animal> U'll see it in the pack fools :)
<Deeply_d> aphex and neurtoic did the same pic...
* CheeseG has always wanted to be in iCE.tg:
<FloodMyth> A dude in AiM did the same pic as Sushi X...
* widow_mak has always wanted to be ACiD Senior Staff.
<CheeseG> an: awwww... i wanna see it.
<Deeply_d> md: i swear to god i didnt know he was in UNION...
<Animal> Dd, i just got it, my father came back from the US and i got this
+comics..
<TGuardian> md:fm: who?
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* cavalier_ has always wanted to be ACiD Global Coordinator.
<md> dd: then you'll not bitch if i say you say it's ok for him to come back,
+since you didn't MEAN to invite him?3 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
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<CheeseG> The question is: Why didn't MagM SAY he was in Union? Hrmmm?
<TGuardian> cav: why dont joo just kill tribe
<cavalier_> color me once
- And spank you twice..
<aBOM> you guys.. there is really no such thing as member stealing. It's the
+artist's choice on whether or not they want to join another group.
<cavalier_> color me twice
<md> cg: did he? were you one the fone?
<cavalier_> tg: because eye njoi it
<CheeseG> md: were YOU?
<TGuardian> cav: noone wants it anymore.. or rename it or something
<Deeply_d> md: if he wants to come back more power to him man...
<widow_mak> you can't blame the group for stealing a member, however you look
+at it, the guy was easily persuaded.. he wouldn't have joined if he didn't
+want to.abOM:
* FloodMyth has always wanted to be High Rezolution SS.I rememb
*** Signoff: PIPELINE (Ping timeout)er th
*** Comp (deleckim@port39.annex2.net.ubc.ca) has joined channel #ansiat's what Ma
<Comp> reestro said way back w
<cavalier_> tG: we dont give a fuck what joo want ;)hen Nation first ion first started and there
*** Signoff: Manifesto (Undefined error: 0) was all that contro
<md> tg: why don't you let cav do whut he wants?verys..
* widow_mak has always wanted to say 'this is getting old'.. h0h0
<md> maybve i'll join trribe.
> abOM: I remember that's what Maestro said way back when Nation first started
+and there was all that controverys..
<md> :)
<CheeseG> this is getting old4 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<aBOM> hmmm
<aBOM> agreed
<aBOM> this sucks
<cavalier_> tribe would kind of be ansideath for a producing artist wanting
+recog or whatnot, cause our release schedule finna be errraTtic.
<CheeseG> ABOMMoMMomMMMMM
<widow_mak> abom knowz whut he'z talkin bout.
<TGuardian> md: kaus a certain shiver artists is doing EVERYTHING for tribe :)md: No, I used to be in Eternity but I never
<TGuardian> md: and we want the work to come to us...
*** Comp has left channel #ansijoined another group aft group after that:)
* aBOM has a bumper sticker that says I LUB CG
<md> tg: den he's not a shiver artist :)
<TGuardian> md: hes in 3 groups
<widow_mak> LUB IS IN DA AIR
- Aww, how sweet. He must have just got done with The Guardian.
<aBOM> hmm.. i want to join tribe -bad-
<TGuardian> md: how pissed would you be if shiver stole a union artist? :)d: No, I live in the same ac, so everyone there has the same accountme accounts from
<md> tg: i'd be pissed that they went from union to shiver. :)
<aBOM> tg: that would never happen ;)UMASS..
<TGuardian> abom: you wanna make a wager?
<CheeseG> Union stole a shiver artist.MD:
<widow_mak> blaming groups for stealing someone is just a cop out.. either
+the guy wants to go or he doesn't.. there's no in between..
<aBOM> tg: maybe
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> md: Heheh, no prob..
<FloodMyth> The Singles Soundtrack rules..
<aBOM> tg ;)
<cavalier_> you won't know the facts until you see the fiction.
<aBOM> Tg: who did you have in mind?
<TGuardian> wm: umm i dont think so :)6 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<TGuardian> wm
<Deeply_d> md: oh yeah this guy called OGRE from union is a ripper, hes in muh
+ac he ripped my fonts and some neurotic stuff and another picture
<TGuardian> wm: anyone who even thinks about leaving vor will get killed :)
<CheeseG> LUB IZ ALL AWOUND
- Wow, The Guardian is one hell of a sex machine!
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<TGuardian> abom: ummm
<md> dd: the sutff i've seen from him is legit.. haven't seen anything ripped.
<cavalier_> ELEvATOR:>
<widow_mak> tg: uhh, yeah, i think so.. you can't steal people, you can
+persuade them, but any way you look at it, they either want to go or they
+don't.. it's not STEALING..
<md> dd: the stuff he applied with was his.. so..
<Deeply_d> md: well i have hes been osting it all around ripped shtuff
<TGuardian> abom: if i get a union member to join shiver.. you have to say in
+terbium #4 "i am gay" somewhere in the mag... and if i dont i have to say
+it.. no smily face
<aBOM> ruiner is a cool song7 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<TGuardian> abom: heh heh
*** Signoff: Raistlin_ (Connection reset by peer)
<FloodMyth> widwo . True...
<cavalier_> dd: thats nice. until you can show some proof, you're just
+spouting hot air ;)
<RM_ACiD> dd=ice=12=gay
<widow_mak> tg: hah, how do you think we've never had anyone leave for another
+group? we execute every single person who even considers leaving. :P
<md> dd: eye heard that ogre was offered a spot in ice if magnetic m would
+just come over.. course it could be rumore.
<CheeseG> tg: but yew are gay... :)
- The word gay has sure been used alot hasn't it. Hmm...
<aBOM> tg: that is lame. I say I'm gay all the time in my mag
- Must be a coming out party..
<Deeply_d> cav: you want proof? sure
<md> dd: like i said, could be rumors.
<widow_mak> rm: can i be senior staff in acid?
<aBOM> as a matter of fact..
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<RM_ACiD> wm:yes
* cavalier_ thinks its time to write some new terbium articles.
<cavalier_> deepl: yEP.
<aBOM> I put "the gayest magazine in the world" in terb2
<CheeseG> rm, yew just a hippo-crit!
<RM_ACiD> MAGNETIC M
<aBOM> cav: yeZZZzZZzzZzzZzzZZz
<widow_mak> rm: can i call my self 'presidente de acid'?
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<TGuardian> cg: $#
<FloodMyth> Dang, it's crowded..
<RM_ACiD> cg=um
<Deeply_d> like i dunno what everybody has againts me all of the sudden.. but
+its getting on my nerves
- Well maybe if you put out more often you wouldn't have this problem.
Don't be such a tease man.
<md> RM: DED SILENCE. whussup wif dat?8 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
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<RM_ACiD> wM:sure
<TGuardian> abom: you have to say you r gay/msg a
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<cavalier_> DD: I think its your general posterior thats making you unlikable.
<md> acid music sucks, no offense, i've never seen music in an acid pack aside
+from a loader..
<CheeseG> dd: Dey Don't ReaLiZE LUB iZ in da AIR!
<widow_mak> rm: neeto.. and can i force members to perform oral sex on me?
<md> they have good musicians..
<TGuardian> abom: if i get a union artist you have to greet me saying "The
+Guardian: Im gay do you have a problem with that?"
- This is so great, more and more just keep coming out!
<FloodMyth> Who has f-prot here?
<RM_ACiD> acid rock
<md> but they all work on their own/elsewhere..
<TGuardian> abom: and if i dont... then i say it
<cavalier_> DD: It's like you're upset that people don't like you because you
+stole magnetic m, that you have to come up with gay shit like
+"oh..yeah.huhuh..you got a union member who's a ripper" that instead of
+making you
<widow_mak> AMERICA IS GOOD AS YOU!
<King_Cobr> Flood- I have it...
<md> tg : and if he sez that, i'll write a whole article about you :)
<cavalier_> dd: look better is making you look worse still.
<cavalier_> dd: Quit while you're ahead?
<FloodMyth> Epinicion Music Disk out tomorrow...
<CheeseG> md: that's lame: "acid music sucks, no offense"
<aBOM> tg: hmm no deal. it's too lame, especially cuz the person might be a
+good friend of yours, and might just say he's in Shiver for a second, but lie
+about it9 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<widow_mak> BABEE BABEE BABEE! DROWNING! DYING! GOING DOWN! CHOKING!
*** Signoff: Strict9 (Leaving)
<aBOM> violent fems r00l
<cavalier_> widow: i'm not there yet, i have to start plaaying side B! WAIT
+FOR ME!
<md> cg: how's that? eye don't have a problem with chris, but their music
+division isn't a music division.
<aBOM> i g0t a bliZter in da sun
<Deeply_d> cav: dude i DID.NOT.STEAL.MAGNETIC.FUCKEN.M! and i told him about
+that dude ogre cuz hes in my ac and i just found out like 45 minutes ago that
+he ripped
<FloodMyth> Could someone dcc it to me please? Does it clean whisper?
*** ASSASSiN (~jkwan@tyrell.net) has joined channel #ansiaBOM: Agreed
<CheeseG> md: UNION sucks big donkey dick... no offense...
<md> dd: whut did he rip? just curious..
<TGuardian> abom: like who?..
> aBOM: Agreed..
<aBOM> dd: denial.
<TGuardian> abom: i dont have any friends remember?!?!?! :)
- We can tell, your on IRC..
<widow_mak> cav: heheh..actually, it's the last song on the first side, d00f..
<cavalier_> DD: ell come up with some proof about ogre instead of just saying
+stuff.30 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
*** ASSASSiN has left channel #ansi
<cavalier_> widow: damn me and my copies.
<aBOM> cg: shaddap cheEZZy.. uNION r00lZ>. rEMMEBER UG-AIR.ANS?! :)
<widow_mak> cav: dubbing sux..
<aBOM> tg: shADDAP
*** Jmama (steve@gti.gti.net) has joined channel #ansi
<cavalier_> GHOST
<cavalier_> RIDER
<TGuardian> cg: waht do you think about shiver? :)
<Jmama> re
<cavalier_> MOTORCYCLE
<cavalier_> HEEEERRROOOO
<aBOM> mOtoRcyClETA
<CheeseG> ab: i'm just proving md'z being lame saying acid music sucks, no
+offense.
<Raistlin_> "What do you do if the manager won't give you the diamonds?"
<Raistlin_> -
<Raistlin_> "When you're dealing with a store like this, they're insured
<Raistlin_> up the ass. So, they're not supposed to give you any kind of
<Raistlin_> resistance at all. If you get a customer, or employee, that
<Raistlin_> thinks their Charles Bronson -- take the butt of your gun
<Raistlin_> and smash their nose in... freaks everybody out. He falls to
<Raistlin_> the floor, blood squirts out of his nose.. nobody says shit
<widow_mak> GHOST .. RIDER!
<Deeply_d> cav: i dont need to fucken prove myself dude, if they dont wanna
+belive me then screw all you bitch's ill just laugh my head off when the
+union pack comes out and i see his ripped stuff
<Raistlin_> after that. You might get some bitch talk shit to ya, but
<md> cg: HOW iZ THAT LAYME?!
<Raistlin_> give her a look like your gonna smash her in the nose next,
<widow_mak> GHOST .. RIDER!
<Raistlin_> watch her shut the fuck up. Now.. a manager, that's a
<cavalier_> |> gGGHOST RIDDERRr MOTtoRRcCyYCClLE HEEErRROooOO. <|
<widow_mak> KEEP RIDING!
<Raistlin_> different story. The managers know better than to fuck around.
<widow_mak> NEVER STOP RIDIN'!
<md> cg: how's that? eye don't have a problem with chris, but their music
+division isn't a music division.
<Raistlin_> So if you get one that's giving you static, he probably thinks
<Raistlin_> he's a real cowboy. So you have to break that son of a bitch
<Raistlin_> in two. If you want to know something he won't tell you, cut
<Raistlin_> one of his fingers off -- the little one... then tell him his1 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<md> cg: how's that? eye don't have a problem with chris, but their music
+division isn't a music division.
<aBOM> i'm gunna run
<cavalier_> BABY BABY BABY BABY HE'S RACIN AWAYYYYY...
- You're just to much of a man for him to handle..
<Raistlin_> thumb's next. After that, he'll tell you if he wears ladies
<Raistlin_> underwear.
<widow_mak> DON'T FORGET TO BURRN! BURRRN WITH FIRE!
<Raistlin_> -
<bmagik> sonofabitch!
<md> UNDERSTAND CHEESE?
<Raistlin_> I'm hungry, let's get a taco."
<cavalier_> THIS CHANNELS SO GODAMN ELITE
<CheeseG> AB I LUB J0
<widow_mak> FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!
<aBOM> laTER ALL
<cavalier_> THIS CHANNELS SO GODAMN ELITE [#ANSI] ELITEEEEEE
<cavalier_> abom: later..
<FloodMyth> cav . hahaha
*** Signoff: aBOM (chEEZg r00lZ.. BUT uNION r00lZ m0')
<md> eLEET eLEET eLEET
*** Cursed-D (~eleet@TRADER.STERN.NYU.EDU) has joined channel #ansi
*** MagMnfsto has left channel #ansi
<cavalier_> Dd: Ok.. thanks for your input! :)
- Emphasis on the IN.
<bmagik> >cav no shit.. jesus fucking christ.. whatever fucking happened to
+this channel.. shit..
<CheeseG> md: yeh, but you said acid sucks, no offense.. you shouldn't SAY
+that... that's my point.
<TGuardian> cg: ice sucks
<cavalier_> bmagik: its simple..eye'm not opped..h0h0h0
<TGuardian> :)2 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
*** Ons (FINcs.new@obelix.wu-wien.ac.at) has joined channel #ansi
<cavalier_> bm: that and about a 650% lamer infestation.
<CheeseG> iCE stole Magnetic M./wh
<widow_mak> :: tape ends ::ois
<CheeseG> Cause we 'leet.ons
*** Ons is FINcs.new@obelix.wu-wien.ac.at (cs.newhaven.edu)
*** on channels: #ansi
*** on irc via server olymp.wu-wien.ac.at ([137.208.8.30 6666] Vienna,
+Austria)
*** Ons has been idle 1 minutes
<Deeply_d> cav: and you of all fucken people should know thats there is no
+such thing as stealing a member
<cavalier_> tryin
<cavalier_> dyin
<cavalier_> chokin
- To big of a dick you got in your mouth there cav?
<widow_mak> mommy: is union dying?
<cavalier_> drownin
*** Atreyu (atreyu@TRAD.PC.CC.CMU.EDU) has joined channel #ansi
<cavalier_> goin down
<FloodMyth> cav . 650%? More like 3247654275%...
<cavalier_> goin down
<Raistlin_> Cavalier is making Raistlin cry.
<widow_mak> cav: i'm farther than j00
<Ons> any one want to do an ansi for a new bbs going up?
<cavalier_> dying
<widow_mak> cav: i'm now on side 2..
<md> cg: WHY THE FUCK NOT!? don't just say 'you should SAY that' WHY? I like
+rad man, i like most of the membesr, that doesn't mean they don't have a
+crappy music division. no offense, because it was RM: acid's music sucks, no
+offense. TO RADMAN, NO OFFENSE
<CheeseG> Attention: VOR STOLE TWO UNION MEMBERS!
<md> tO rADMAN, understand?
<Raistlin_> Everyone floood this "raistlin" fucker.. I want my fucking handle.
*** Atreyu has left channel #ansi
<TGuardian> cg: hehe iknow
<FloodMyth> If I knew where it was I would take you there...
<TGuardian> thats embaressing
<md> cg: not really... they're still in union as well.3 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<md> quisling didn't leave union
<widow_mak> tg: you're just jealous.
<cavalier_> he's ridin thru your town
<cavalier_> with his head on phire.
<widow_mak> md: actually, he's just bullshitting you. has he done a vga for
+you yet?
<CheeseG> md: ahhh, just wunderin'... :) okay, i thought you were saying no
+offense to acid.
<md> wm: joo just watch...
<widow_mak> md: and hros quit union as well.
<cavalier_> hE'S rIDING thROUGH yOUR tOWN wITh hIS hEAD oN fIRE!!!
<md> cg: jeezus.
<FloodMyth> Rollins....
<md> i've never even seen hros's shit, so i don't care.
<Deeply_d> md: we loose members to acid every 2 or 3 months do you all the ice
+seniors bitching at radman?... like uh no get over it guy
<widow_mak> as well as raistlin majere (even though he doesn't do jack)
<cavalier_> (the following is an elite flood)
<widow_mak> they all quit union.. three vga guys..
<md> pHIRE! pHIRE! pHIRE!4 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<cavalier_> // // // // /////// /////// // //
<cavalier_> // // /// // / // // /// //
<cavalier_> // // // / // / // // // / //
<cavalier_> // // // /// / // // // ///
<cavalier_> /////// // // /////// /////// // //
<cavalier_> // // // // /////// /////// // // / / //
<cavalier_> // // /// // / // // /// // /////// //
<cavalier_> // // // / // / // // // / // / / //
<cavalier_> // // // /// / // // // /// /////// //
<cavalier_> /////// // // /////// /////// // // / / //
<cavalier_> werrrd
<md> dd: ice/acid have ALWAYS traded da shits around, and its GAY.
* TGuardian thinks #ansi has turned into a channel full of 13 year olds with
+brand new 14.4k modems just because of this md vs magnetic m incident
<FloodMyth> My brother looks like rolling with his head shaved.. hahah...
<cavalier_> KEEP RIDING
*** Signoff: Cursed-D (FausT|: Fear Me!!!|: )
<Jmama> Deeply_d: I heard you quit ice to reform Nation....?
<cavalier_> NEVER STOP RIDING!!!!
<md> dd: just cuz it happens doesn't mean it's not stupid.
*** r3wt (r3wt@access2.digex.net) has joined channel #ansi
<FloodMyth> rollins I mean..
<widow_mak> no one can admit it, but vor has one of the two best vga sections
+in all groups, and the addition of members is showing it.
<Deeply_d> md: it maybe stupid but it happen guy you just got to live with it,
+cuz you cant change it
* md thinks tg should stop talking his shiver policy.
<md> cuz it don't apply to me nor union.
<cavalier_> eye ignore all groups that havent been around for more than a
+subjective year
<Ons> any want to do a ansi/vga/loader for a new bbs 5 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
*** Signoff: hs (Leaving)
<md> dd: why not?
<widow_mak> how come no one likes tg? :)
<FloodMyth> What policy is that?
<widow_mak> so tell me..
<md> dd: why not change the scene?
<widow_mak> what you heard..
<widow_mak> what you heard..
<CheeseG> wm: cause tg's gay.
<CheeseG> wm: =)
<md> dd: why have lameness, that's like having a cut on your wrist and not
+STOPPING THE BLEEDINg.
- Or like getting his dick up you ass and not.. well you know..
*** cougar_ (st46v@Rosie.UH.EDU) has joined channel #ANSI
<Jmama> Ons: you give me a vga, i'll do you a loader with it...
<md> 'oh, it's been bleeding now for 5 mins, why stop it?'
*** cougar_ has left channel #ANSI
<Raistlin_> Cavalier is a spankfuckboy.
<Raistlin_> No longer.6 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<widow_mak> :: guitar solo :;
*** Jmama has left channel #ansi
<Raistlin_> Anyone that isn't in #iridium is a spankfuckboy.
*** Godsung (~razz@dcez.com) has joined channel #ansi
<Deeply_d>
<Deeply_d> NO CARRIER
*** Signoff: Deeply_d (Error 0)/name #iridium
<md> oH wAH
<RM_ACiD> dd=lame
<widow_mak> :: cool interference ::
<cavalier_> OH GEE.
<widow_mak> :: end song ::
<RM_ACiD> AT X7 S10=30 &B1 &L0 &H1 &I0 &R2 &W
<cavalier_> DID WE PISS DD OFF?/
<widow_mak> suck on this
<CheeseG> rm=hypocrite
<widow_mak> bark bark bark
<md> rM: joo stole ded silence. whussup wif dat?
<cavalier_> I HOPE NOT. THAT WOULD MAKE ME UPSET.
<widow_mak> trying ta be, trying ta be.m
<RM_ACiD> rm=hypocondriach
*** r3wt is now known as OP8
<md> cav: eye shure hope FUCKING SO./
*** sexchoc (sexchoc@netcom7.netcom.com) has joined channel #ansiname
<md> oPEEEEEATE#iridium
<widow_mak> words = too fast for me to type. :)
<OP8> 0y0y0y
<CheeseG> Seckksssss-Sea!
<RM_ACiD> *OP8* you suq7 cacacac on #Ansi WeirdNet's Telnet Client
<md> it's an iCE iNVASION.
END OF LAMENESS

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(- Trina Magna -)
(- Volume One; Issue One -)
(- Trina Magna: More Hip than AOL -)
(- Slipstream of the Starlings (The Introduction) -) -------------------------
Owen can no longer speak english, so I am going to translate what he is
saying for all of you.
(Owen speaking in Russian)
"Hi! Welcome to Trina Magna, the zine about life, knowledge, and change.
I would like to thank Pablo for translating this for me. I am very, very
sorry for I can no longer speak English."
(- Contents of Trina Magna; Volume One, Issue One -) -------------------------
1) Introduction: Slipstream of the Starlings
2) Contents of Trina Magna
3) A Letter to Eylasis
4) Oregon
5) Peacefulness
6) Everything and Nothing Else
7) Everything Else
8) Four
7) Bye!
( - A Letter to Eylasis -) ---------------------------------------------------
3 April 1987
Eylasis -
I've come to the moment that you've waited for. Yup, I've seriously gone
to the end of the road with this one. Last night I went and I talked to her.
You never liked her very much but I wanted to talk to her anyway. She was
always the most interesting person. She'll bring up the weirdest things, and
she plays that damn Tori over and over. She really sounds like she's always
having an orgasm when she's singing doesn't she? Scott was right. Oh, well.
Anyway, like I was saying she brings up the weirdest things. Oh, this is a
another Tori thing -- she always brings the weird things up when Tori is
hitting the low notes on the piano making it seem like she's coordinating
her words with the notes Tori plays to give her extra emphasis. I wouldn't
doubt it actually, it seems like something she would do.
I was never sure why you didn't like me talking to her, but sometimes I
just gotta do things. So, anyway, as you can imagine -- it was really late.
Like 3 or 4 in the morning and I was reading and eating some seafood and I
began to think about the book I was reading (Time Must Have a Stop by
Huxley, if you really must know) and I just got this feeling of a need for a
deep, deep, deep conversation. Well, those are kind of hard to find at 3 or
4 in the morning, but then I remembered seeing Saby a few hours earlier and
her saying that she had been feeling kind of bad and probably would be up
pretty late, kind of like I get sometimes. You know? Anyhow, I got up, left
my seafood out (which turned out to not be the best thing in the world,
because my place really smelled pretty bad when I back later), and took off.
For some reason my car wouldn't start right away, and it was pretty cold
that night, so that's probably why. After like 5 minutes I got it to start,
but realizing that the car most have just been really cold I let it sit for
another minute or two while I popped my new GSW tape in that I had just
dubbed. When I was sitting there, I was thinking about that time we had when
we were a little younger and had these kinds of talks. I'm not exactly sure
why we don't anymore. Anyway, I finally took off. My car began to smell like
seafood thanks to my late night snack. I love the food, but I hate the smell
it can leave. The only thing that smells any worse is when someone doesn't
do their dishes and leaves 2 week old food in the sink.
Having to drive out on some of the country roads, it was quite dark and
I had to use my brights. It must have rained earlier that night because the
usual bumpy dirt roads were quite muddy and slippery. About 20 minutes later
I got to Saby's place. I was right, she was still up. Her apartment was the
brightest one there and was easily spotted. I have never actually been to
her apartment before, but I knew where it was for some odd reason. I quietly
rapped on the thin, wooden door to her place. I could hear her playing music
in the back room, but I wasn't so sure she would still be awake. I tapped
once and after about a minute she didn't answer. I figured she had fallen
asleep watching TV or something, so I just left. Right when I got to my car,
she opened the door to her place. Luckily she saw me before I drove off. She
yelled at me and asked me what the hell I was doing so late at her place. I
told her I just wanted to talk about nothing in particular and knew she
would be awake. She smiled, laughed, and let me in. We ended up talking for
a little while, enough to satisfy my need for a deep, deep discussion.
Right when I was about to leave, I just sat there and began humming.
Man, if you want to see one freaked out chick, you should have seen Saby.
During all of this I was totally conscious. She just started yelling,
"Pablo! Pablo! Would you please stop humming. I have to go to the dentist
tomorrow."
So, after about an hour and a half I stopped, coincidentally after she
stopped playing Tori and I got up and without saying a word to her, I left.
Hope all is well in Vancouver.
-- Pablo
(- Oregon -) -----------------------------------------------------------------
He's been meditating for almost three hours now. I've been able to hear
his steady breathing for the past two. It usually takes him an hour or so to
get to this point where he can concentrate on the Divine, our Lord Christ.
The sound of his breathing brings tears to my eyes. Sometimes more.
We left for Oregon four days ago. He insisted that he could do this only
here, no where else he told me. We took the train he told me so we could
observe the beauty of it all. Michael loves the train. I love him so.
It's dusk now and I can tell that he is losing his concentration. His
breathing isn't so steady anymore. He seems to be dozing off every few
seconds. He seems to be fighting it, though. I look at his body and see
muscles that have gone through so much in a lifetime. Quite a lifetime it's
been, too. For a man that's 46, he's done a lot. And I'm not talking about
your usually American Dream type story. Yes, Michael had a job, and yes he
knew he had to earn money to live and support his family, but he knew that
that wasn't what he really loved. He loved everything in the world. Michael
gives me everything he can, no matter how tired he is.
He danced with me earlier telling me why we were here in Oregon. We
swayed and swayed for hours. It was so relaxing to hold Michael close to me
and listen to the quietness.
"There is so much calm here. I can think clearly." he whispered in my
ear as we swayed to the nonexistent music that was only in our minds. "You
know these journeys mean a lot to me, don't you?"
"Yes," I told him as I rested my head against his shoulder, holding him
as tight as I could, feeling the sweat on his back that was left from
sitting in the setting sun for so long. "But why? I mean, I know why you are
here. I just don't completely understand. I look into your eyes and all I
see is pain."
"I'm not an idle man. I was once. You've seen what it left behind in me.
I'm fighting it. I'm fighting the idleness that has been left behind in me."
Michael let go of me and began to walk towards the shore, I heard a
faint, "I love you, Noel," as he walked. "We'll continue our dance later."
"Yes, Michael," I told him as I rested myself on the beach, pushing my
skirt under me to protect myself from the pieces of liter that had been left
behind. I began to pray silently to myself. His words were enough. I now
understood.
(- Peacefulness -) -----------------------------------------------------------
Peacefulness within yourself is a most difficult idea to understand,
to grasp, and to even believe exists. Peace, though -- when attained, is
something that will never be lost because that feeling of peacefulness is
such bliss that without it would be like living in hell itself.
( - Everything and Nothing Else -) -------------------------------------------
Just like the previous 2 nights, Pat had fallen asleep on his couch with
nothing on his mind and his mind on nothing except the night and what he was
going to do next. It was late, of course, and it was unreasonably warm for a
February night in Chicago. The TV continued to play on, alive as could be.
Speaking, but with its only audience member, Pat, dead asleep. Pat had spent
the night alone, with only himself and his computer. His computer had seemed
to become his only real friend as of late, mainly because of the anti-social
behavior that he could not understand, but also because he really had no
interest in meeting another person, that in his mind, he would have another
worthless, meaningless conversation with and would later just say goodbye to
and never think about again.
Pat awoke yelling like he had never been asleep and as he fell off the
couch and onto the hardest floor known to man. "Crap! I've got to get out of
this place." Hopping over the leftover chinese food he had left out from
last night's dinner he went into his room and grab a pair of dirty pants,
clean blue shirt, and a his last pair of clean socks. "I really gotta clean
up my room." After a few minutes, Pat finally got dressed amidst the
horrible mess that was his room.
"This is horribly quite odd. I really have no idea what I'm doing. It's
like what? 4 am? Where the heck am I going to go at 4 am in Chicago? Now, if
this was New York there would be plenty to do. Hmm. Cereal. I want cereal.
Wait, I don't have any milk. Hmm. White Hen Pantry. They're always open.
Hmm. I can get milk there. Hmm."
Passing the security guard of his apartment, Pat checked his watch and
waved bye to the guard that had always been quite friendly.
"See ya later, Pat."
Not really paying attention, but still hearing her Pat, remembering his
manners that his mom had taught him years ago, Pat said a quick goodbye.
"Yeah, later Claudia."
"Where you going this late?"
"Out to get some milk. I want to eat some cereal."
"Kind of late for cereal, don't you think?"
"Nah. It's just the right time. Cereal is good whenever, you know?"
"I suppose. It's warm out, might not need your coat. It's like 68."
"Odd," Pat quickly retorted as he finally got out the door. It rained
earlier, or later (depending on how you look at it), that morning. As Pat
hop-scotched over the puddles as he walked he thought about what really was
important to him. "I just don't like what goes on around here, he thought
aloud. I just don't like what I'm doing with stuff. I just don't do much
anymore.
"Streetwise? Help the poor! Streetwise? Streeeeeeeeetwise?"
"Uh, no thanks man. I already got the new edition."
"God bless ya," the streetwise vendor praised. "The Lord has blessed
another one!"
Pat looked ahead and could finally see the apartment complex that the
White Hen was a part of. A block or so away from the White Hen, Pat heard a
crash behind the apartment next to him. He stopped and looked behind the
cold, industrial looking apartment that had the design of about 50 other
apartment complexes in the city. There was another loud crash, but this time
Pat realized it was some guy throwing bottles of hard liquor out of his
apartment window. "Cut it out, man. You'll hurt someone."
"Ah, shut up ya droog. I got me my beer and that's all I need."
"But please be careful, you'll hurt someone," Pat told the man, ignoring
any comment that funny man had for him.
As Pat walked to White Hen he walked passed a little park he used to
visit quite a bit. "That was quite a nice park, it was. The trees. The trees
were so beautiful, they were. Every tree imaginable is in that park." And
every tree imaginable was in that park. Every tree, every fruit, every
vegetable. It was quite the park and Pat loved it so. "Why, I've got to get
my milk. It's getting quite early. I must have my cereal before 6."
Pat finally arrived at the White Hen Pantry approximately 15 minutes
after he left he worn down apartment.
"89 cents? Wow, that's an amazing price!" Pat grabbed the on-sale milk
walked passed the also on-sale salsa. After getting the large
african-american females attention away from the sandwiches she was making
he slammed down his 95 cents.
"That all you want?" the woman asked Pat starring deep into his soul.
"Yea, I got what I need. All I need is my cereal anyways."
"Alright. Have a nice day."
And with that Pat had his milk and was set to eat his cereal. Now, you
may ask, why is eating cereal so important to Pat at this time of day? Well,
because cereal is in a way, something more than cereal to Pat. Pat has no
one except himself and anything can become special when you have nothing
else. This cereal now becomes everything else that Pat could not have.
(- Everything Else -) --------------------------------------------------------
A boy sits next to his mother, thinking of what his future could be. So
much to choose from, so much to do. He is himself, and nothing else. The
boy's mother asks him what he wants to be when he grows up. He says he wants
to be everything in the world. He is himself, and nothing else.
The boy sits next to his friends, thinking of what he is doing. What
should he be doing? What will they think of him? He is not himself, and
everything else. No longer did he care for them, no longer did he care for
himself. He is not himself, and everything else
The boy sits next to his grave. Thinking of what his past could have
been. What should he have done? There was nothing he could do, he swears! It
was just him, and nothing else. They ask him what was wrong, but there
really wasn't a problem. it was just him, and nothing else.
[History of _Everything Else_]
This was originally written about two years ago (2/15/95) in a math
class. The poem went on, in a revised form, to be the words behind "a
disturbing, moody piece about the turmoil and struggle of being oneself (The
Pantagraph, Saturday, July 29, 1995." "Everything Else," the performing
arts piece was done by myself and a friend, Jason Huls, was critically
acclaimed by many.
Hopefully this summer I'll be returning to the Illinois Summer School
for the arts as a counceler. WeeE!
(- Four -) ----------------------------------------------------------------
There's something strange about all of this. The people. The movement.
The scene. Definitely the scene. The scene is very strange. All the
rush-rush, no one looking back. Sometimes i don't even look back. I mean, I
want to, I really do, but I just don't for some reason. I just want my world
back. Everything I am is there.
Rush-rush. That's what it's like. Everyone's in a hurry. The problem is,
the more I see people hurry, the slower I want to go. Everything here would
be so much better if everyone just realized that if they went slower they
would enjoy everything so much more. It just goes too fast for me, that's
all.
When I moved to the city seven months ago I figured everything would be
cool, and from an outsider's point of view, it is. I mean, to an outsider,
what isn't here? You've got access to about anything that you could possibly
want or need. That's just it. That's the thing. That's the problem. There's
just too much in the city to grab on to.
It was on a really slow day that I realized this and a lot of other
things. I had class at 9:30 in the TORCO building and my class got out at
around 10:50, five minutes late, like always. My teacher, Mr. Van Marter,
always gets himself all riled up at about 10:40 and he just has to finish
what he's saying or sometimes it's this Islamic guy who rambles on about the
founders of the united states being hypocrites. Whatever the reason is, we
just always get out five minutes late.
I left my class and walked back to my place, passing by the usual -- El
Taco Loco, parking lot, Harold's's Chicken Shack #42, parking garage, and
the rumored to be owned by the maffia South Loop Club. I fumbled around in
my torn up jacket for my key. My next class wasn't until late into the
evening and usually I just go back to my apartment and sleep for a few
hours, but this time i actually did something. This time I decided to be a
bit adventurous and take the El down to the north side of town to go wonder
around and just think about things and why things hadn't seemed to be going
right since i had moved to the city.
I got off the el at one of the more trendy parts of Chicago -- Belmont.
That's not always bad, but it also isn't always very appealing. There's your
usually trendy second hand clothing, book, alternamusic, and coffee places
and then there's this one place i like to go to. It's a little corner
restaurant off of Belmont on Armitage called Chili Mac's Five Way. That
place serves some of the best chili i have ever eaten in my entire life. The
chili is so good, in fact, that it will make all that is too fast in life
seem to slow down a bit. The place is called Chili Mac's Five Way because
they serve chili, of course, five different ways.
Anyway, with only five bucks in hand, i went for the chili four-way and
a water. I got my chili, sat down, and started reading from Huxley's _Time
Must Have a Stop_. After about ten minutes later a large man walked in. He
must have been 300 plus pounds. He wore an old grandpa hat, a fishing vest
with all sorts of buttons, and had these humongous chops. He walked up to
the counter, bought some coffee, looked around for a minute, saw me and came
and sat down next to me. It was the strangest thing. He just sat there for a
minute and then he pulled out a pack of cigarettes from one of the many
pockets he had in his vest.
"You like the chili here don't you?"
"Yeah. It's pretty good I guess."
"Want a cigarette?"
"No. Don't smoke. Never have, never will."
There was a weird pause. He just sat there and looked around and after a
few minutes he just stared at me.
"Like the book?"
"This? Oh, yeah. It's pretty good."
"I read it once. I've read a lot of books in my time. So many that i
just stopped reading all together. Now i just wonder around these parts of
town. Not just this town really, but a lot of towns. Oregon's my favorite
part of the country actually."
"And you just walk around and talk to people like me?"
"No, you're the first one."
"Oh. Okay. So, how's it going?"
"Pretty good I guess. Mind if I have a bite of your chili?"
"Hmm. That's some good chili."
"It is, isn't it? You know -- this chili, it kind of reminds me of
life."
"How so?"
"See, you got your one-way chili with just chili, which is kind of like
when you are a young kid and you've got nothing on your mind except just
being a kid. There's nothing there complicating your life, kind of like one
way chili, cause there's just the chili there. No cheese or beans getting in
the way of the taste of the chili."
"Sounds kind of far fetched to me. How about you just eat the chili."
"No, no. Check this out. See, then you got chili two-way. Chili two-way
is like when you start second grade. Chili two-way adds the spaghetti which
makes the chili a bit more complex, like in first or second grade when the
kids that once didn't care about anything else in the world except just
being kids have been exposed to the complex world long enough that they have
begun to be like that world, becoming more complex within themselves. No
longer does everyone like everyone else, but they realize that people are
different."
"I guess that the makes sense a little. Personally, I see life like this
coffee I got. It's endless. Whenever I run out, there's always a waitress to
refill it."
"Hold on a sec. This is even better. Next you got the three-way chili.
Not only do you just have the chili and spaghetti but you have a huge load
of cheese on that chili. Imagine that huge load of cheese as all the peer
pressure and other pre-teen crap that you're bombarded with when you hit 12
and enter the 7th grade. Now not only do people not like each other, they
hate each other for even worse reasons than when you were in elementary
school and in junior high the kids get even more vocal and even more violent
making your already low junior-high self esteem even lower. Heh. Too much
cheese is bad, i guess."
"But not enough cheese is bad, as well. Those initial experiences at
that age are important. That's the age where you begin to develope a
personality apart from your parents."
"Then there's the chili four-way. It's the chili with an option. You can
either get onions or beans, kind of like high school or college. You get to
choose to either continue being dumb and ignorant like you were in junior
high or you can realize that you have the brain capacity to realize that you
were being stupid in junior high school and that you are going to stop being
that way. At first I went for the beans, which are a little easier on the
stomach, and continued being dumb, but after awhile I ended up eating the
onions because of the more complex taste. The fifth-way, though, is the
chili with everything. Like with the five-way chili, you have to have a full
grown stomach to eat this. You have grown as much as you can and everything
is there. Your life is complete, just like the chili. You can still make
some decisions to do this or that, but everything is pretty much set."
"Whatever. Like I said, just eat the chili. Say, what's your name
anyway?"
"Mark."
"Mark, I came here for a reason. I came to tell you something that you
need to know and you better understand. I'm only going to explain this once
and there will be no questions so you better listen."
"Okay. Shoot."
"You think things are too fast, don't you? Well, they aren't. You make
things too fast. You can make them slow again. You think things suck. Well,
they don't. It's you. You made this all up. You made things as bad as they
are. So stop. Since you made it bad, make it good again. The good is there,
you know it is. Everything you love is there, so love it to death. Don't
lose it, don't ever lose it because you know you love it. All this angst
inside of you, that's all it is, inside of you. If you wanted it gone, it
could be, just like that. That's it. That's all I wanted to say."
And just like that he extinguished his cigarette and left. A few minutes
after he left I decided that I should go, too. For such a short message, he
made me think about a lot. He's right, you know. All of this, inside of me,
it's just in my head. Anyway, i think i'll stop now. It's about time, too.
(- Bye! -) -----------------------------------------------------------------
Check for the rad html version of Trina Magna One in the next
couple of days (http://pages.ripco.com:8080/~owilliam).
Trina Magna One was completed on 04.16.97
Everything here is (c)1997, the owen williams experience. If you have
any questions or comments, contact me at owilliam@ripco.com.
(- eof -)

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==========================================================================
Hello. . .
Welcome to the first edition of. . .
The
Milkcrate
Liberation
Front
==========================================================================
Well, this is the first edition of this paper. I hope it reads OK.
This article is not an original idea. In fact, it is a revision of a
paper by The Ultimate Hacker. It was written up by Booch and Tech Man,
but we had help from several people on ideas. Well, here goes.
...........................................................................
.............................The Surger....................................
...........................................................................
OK, these are the plans for a line surger, made specifically for
those malicious bastards out there who have some enemies on the other
side of the phone line. What it does is, literally, plug the phone line
into the wall socket, thus sending up to 120volts over the lines into
the other person's modem, generally doing quite a bit of damage, if not
frying it.
The list of materials needed:
One DPDT switch (double pull double throw)
One plug (the thing that goes into the wall socket)
Some wire (phone wire)
Not very much, is it?
As to building it. . .
Cut the phone wire going from your phone to the wall. Connect the
RED and GREEN wires from the wall to the middle two prongs of the switch.
Connect the plug to the top two prongs of the switch. Connect the red and
green wires going to the modem to the two remaining prongs of the switch.
OK, now that really isn't too hard, but for those of you who don't
think exactly as I do, have a diagram. . .
|__|
\__/ -PLUG
||
||
||__
| |
| |
O O -Top Prongs to switch
RED ________O O -Middle Prongs to switch
| |
| GREEN________|
| |
| | O O -Bottom Prongs To Switch
TO WALL | |
| |_________GREEN_____TO
|______________RED______MODEM
Thats the diagram...
Now, as to what to do with the thing. Leave the switch on the bottom
position, so that the modem is connected to the wall. This will allow
you to use your modem normally. When you want to send The Surge over the
phone lines, just flip the switch.
A Warning. . . This model is as of yet untested, as we are going to
wait to build it at my house, not wanting to toast ourselves working
with 120 volts. I recommend leaving it unplugged until you want to use
it, so it is not activated accidentally, and trying it for the first
time on an old phone.
Well, that about sums it up. If you have any suggestions, write to
Booch or Tech Man on
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ The Den BBS . . . . . . . . . . (518) 274-9114 ]
[ The Apple Programmers Den . . . (518) 583 7790 ]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
You may be able to reach us on other BBSs, but these are the most
likely to get to us. Thanx . . . And remember boys and girls, Don't die.
Brought To You By
BOOCH The
& At Milkcrate
TECH MAN Liberation
Front


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............
:::::::::::: .. .. .. ..
.. ..... ::::: .. ..... .... ...... .. `` .. .....
.. .. .. :: .. ... ... .: :. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..
.. ....... :: ..::. .. .. .: :. ...... ..::. .. .. .......
.. .. :: .. :: .. .. .: :. .. .. :: .. .. ..
.. ::::::: ::::: .. :: .. .. .... .. .. :: .. .. :::::::
............
:::::::::::: ..
.. `` ... ... ..... ::::: Founded: March 1, 1995
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. :: Founding
.. .. .. .. .. ....... ::::: Member: Lord of Darkness
.. .. .. .. .. .. ::
.. .. .. .. ::::::: ::::: Issue #: 01, March 1/2 1995
..............................................................................
Well, here I am, the lone founding member of Technophile Times. (Hereby
to be referred to as TT for the rest of this issue, just for the sake of time
and my putting off of the inevitable tunnel-carpal syndrome ;) As you already
know, this is the first issue. Let's have a run-down of some of the things we
will be covering in future issues:
o Anarchy
o Hacking\Phreaking
o News in the "Computer" Field
o Scanner Crap
o Relayed Text from Other Sources
o Blah, Blah, Etc. Etc.
o The Usual "Bad" Stuff
This basically gives you a rough idea. To put it more bluntly, it's what-
ever the hell I feel like putting in. You know how it goes, I'm sure you've
read other online mags. More things will come as time goes on, and suggestions
are welcome. Unless otherwise noted, all comments will be in [ ]s. Also, I am
not liable for any stupid things you do because of this magazine, it is purely
informational. I'm not responsible for the use or misuse of the info in here.
OK, done with that. Now let's see what we can cram in this issue...
------------
NEWS & VIEWS
------------
FBI's 2-YEAR SEARCH NETS COMPUTER HACKER
After a search of more than two years, a team of FBI agents yesterday
[02/15/1995] captured a 31-year-old computer expert accused of long crime
spree including the theft of thousands of data files and at least 20,000 credit
card numbers from computer systems.
The arrest of Kevin D. Mitnick, one of the most wanted computer criminals,
followed a 24-hour stakeout of an apartment building in Raleigh, N.C.
A convicted computer felon on the run from federal officials since November
1992, Mitnick has used his sophisticated skills over the years to worm his way
into many of the nation's telephone and cellular telephone networks and to
vandalize government, corporate and university computer systems.
ASSOCIATED PRESS [I think]
---
BARNEY GIVING OUT FREE PLANTS TO CONSCIENTIOUS CHILDREN
I don't have an actual article for this one, but I thought I'd mention it
anyways. About 2 years back I remember looking at a bulletin board (No, not
BBS, Bulletin Board) in a local grocery store. Well, there was this article
about Barney, and Barney always grabs my attention. ;) As it turns out, the
big man was arrested on charges if possesion of an illicit drug, and it
appeared the purple do-gooder wasn't only possessing it. I thought I'd just
mention that since the news department is kinda slim:)
---
-----------------------------
PERVERTS ANONYMOUS DEPARTMENT
-----------------------------
I know that cap'd conversations and other social intrusions are big in some
mags, so I figure I'll stick some in for all you guys & gals to check out.
Sure, we all like our BBSs. There are all kinds, for all people. You would
expect that most users on a general population BBS would be you average, every-
day type of person, right? And if they happened to want to want to discuss
"adult"-oriented topics, they would take it to an adult board and be with their
kind. Well, unfortunatly it's just not so pretty a picture as you would expect
out there in BBS land. Here is a cap file of some pretty sick stuff, on a so-
called "Family-BBS". Yuck...
(The names have been taken out to... protect the perverts, I guess, along with
locations and other identifying material. As far as the board name goes,
we'll just leave the name at TCC) What if some kid got ahold of this?
***I also don't recommend reading this if you don't like foul language or
sexual perversion boardering on masochism.
---
Ok, XXXXX you wanted to hear from us women so hear goes. I've tried
alittle bit of everything here and there, and I for one enjoy alittle
pain, both before and durning intercourse. I'm not talking about
leaving bruises all over my body, but alittle whipping on the rear end
or cunt area turns me on to no end. I've never had rings put through my
nipples, but it is something that I think I would enjoy if the guy would
like to do it for me.
I realize that some of you may be grossing out right about now, but it
is my body, and I can do with it (or have someone else do to it)
whatever I please to. Just because I enjoy alittle pain here and there
does not mean that I allow men to treat me poorly inside or outside of
the bedroom. Oh, also for the record, I enjoy giving alittle pain to
the men in my life that want it also, I'm referring to spankings and
such, not bitching and nagging all the time ! HA HA HA But on the other
hand the old saying "To give is better then to recieve" does not hold
true in this case. I would much rather be the one to recieve the
spanking then the one giving it.
Well there you have it, that's how I feel about the subject of giving
and recieving pain. I invite anyone who hasn't already tired it to do
it once before they open their mouth and say they don't like it. I
didn't think that I would ever do half of the things that I enjoy doingg
now before I tried them.
XXXXXXXX
/B&D #2301 25-JUN-93 13:37
From: XXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXXX
Re: :) (1 reply)
You're such a bad girl! :) Do you know what happens to bad girls?
They get turned bare bottom side up and laid across the knee.
Then they have to spread their legs and get gently slapped on the rear
and on the love button.:)
Slap... bad girl....slap :) :) :)
That last letter turned me on.....I know XXXXXXXX is the main Pervert! :)
/B&D #2310 25-JUN-93 15:42 (Reply to #2301)
From: XXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXXX
Re: :) (1 reply)
Sweetheart if that last letter of mine turned you on, you better never
get ahold of some of the other things that I have written about, you
just might have a heart attack, or else a throbbing hard on.
As far as being a bad girl, I wouldn't ever want to be a nice girl, they
don't have as much fun !!! So anytime you think that you are man
enough to turn me over your knee, just let me know <G>.
Someone over at XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX was asking me if I had two different
handles, and said that if I wasn't the same person I had better let you
know about it, so what's up ? You know bad girls don't like to be
talked about, at least this one doesn't. What's the big deal about
having two handles, after all XXXXXXX sounds really sexy now doesn't it ?
So when are you going to stop avoiding me, and get on the computer when
I log on so we can have that chat you were offering awhile back ? Talk
to you later, unless of course this bad girl has scared you away.
XXXXXXXX
/B&D #2314 25-JUN-93 17:16 (Reply to #2310, Reply to #2301)
From: XXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXXX
Re: :) (1 reply)
No I'm not scared away, just the opposite actually. Hmmm, you sound like
a Kinky woman. That's the kind I like !
I'd like to hear some of the other things that you have written about.
(Me and at least half of the other users on here.)
As far as the XXX handle deal goes...who cares what handle you use..A
lot of people are using different handles. That's fine with me. This is
a BBS that lets you throw you inhabitions out the door. If anyone would
feel more comfortable using a different handle then the one they are
using let me know..Your wish is my command. :)
.
Now back to the good stuff :), I think I'm man enough (and then some) to
turn you into a wet, begging submissive. Most women never experience a
true female "cum", the ones that make my face all wet :). I think...no I
know ... I could make you have really wet orgasms over and over..YUMMY
in my TUMMY!
So what is your favorite toy? I'm mentally picturing clothes
pins(2)..and a toy that requires two D cell batteries...and an egg
shaped device for a different twist.
I'll leave the rest up to your imagination for now....
.
************************************************************************
.
Boggest tagline:Hurt me, Hurt me!
.
************************************************************************
Whips and chains and pain, Oh yeah...
/B&D #2323 25-JUN-93 19:28 (Reply to #2314, Reply to #2310, Rep*)
From: XXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXXX
Re: :) (1 reply)
Ok, were do I begin ? First of all the stories that I have writen
aren't going to be plastered on every bbs for everyone to see. If
anyone would care to see them in private, I might show them off, but not
on a bbs, sorry. Ok, now as far as true cum orgasms go, I'm what they
call a multi orgasm lady, just for fun one night I tried to keep count
of them, but after number 6 everything got kind of blury. I was
surprised to read that you like getting your face all wet, I had one guy
who got turned off by the amount of cum that he had to lap up with his
tongue (I told him, if he didn't like it he shouldn't have had his head
where it didn't belong) Anyway, you'll forgive me if I don't fully
believe every word you say about all of your talents. I've been told by
serveral men that they were really good at it, only to find out that
they had no idea of what to do with it when they finally got it. I'm
one of those people that I have to see it to believe it.
Ok, now on the my favorite toys, most of which are at my soon to be ex
husband's house, he brought them, so he said he was keeping them. I did
go out and buy 12 metal alargator <SPELLING> clips, the kind used for
auto repair. I sometimes have alittle fun doing the housework in the
nude with these attached to my nipples, and cunt area. I used to like
clothes pins, but I found out that the alargator clips gave a stronger
hold, and left a cute mark when removed. I also keep plenty of candles
on hand just in case I meet up with a man who enjoys dripping the hot
wax over my body. I have several of the battery operated toys that you
referred to, but they grow old after awhile, I enjoy trying new things.
Right now it seems that I am into some kind of stage where I enjoy
trying to do things in public without getting caught, it's fun up to the
point of actually getting caught which I have managed to not have done
YET !!!
Well, I better get going now. I'm glad that you enjoyed the letter, let
me know if this one had the same effect on you. Bye for now sexy.
XXXXXXXX
/B&D #2324 25-JUN-93 20:10 (Reply to #2323, Reply to #2314, Rep*)
From: XXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXXX
Re: :) (1 reply)
Wow, Large auto-clamps sounds a little bit on the painful side. I hope
you're talking about the "roach" type clips and not battery cable
clips....ouch! That's a little extreme even for me :).
As far as your soon to be ex-husband goes I don't think to many women
would want to use a toy after it has been used by someone else...just my
opinion.
Excuse me for having a little bit of a male ego when it comes to
cunnligus but practice makes perfect and I have practiced :) and will
continue to. I prefer the "baldy beaver" if you know what I mean.
No hair get stuck on my tongue LOL.
Cool... You get into exhibitionism. Maybe I should start a Sig just for
that. What do you think? I guess that's what the STOP button in
elevators is for.
Well I agree...This could get a little too intense to be in a sig, but
we can always continue in private mail..
/B&D #2503 29-JUN-93 08:17 (Reply to #2324, Reply to #2323, Rep*)
From: XXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXXX
Re: :)
Hey, nothing should be considered to intense for an adult sig. The rest
of us like to hear about her likes and dislikes and exploits too! Or
maybe it's just me, my says I am preverted!<g>
XXXXXXXX
/B&D #2524 29-JUN-93 15:14 (Reply to #2285, Reply to #1274, Rep*)
From: XXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXXX
Re: B&D
I agree, if you haven't tried it, don't knock it. Some men like a
spanking too once in a while. After facing the tough world day after
day it is nice to let the woman take charge for a while. Being
restrained and pleasured by a woman is a great experence and so much
different from having to be that great tough man all the time. This is
the time when tha world turns around and you are allowed to receive
pleasure without having to worry that you are doing the right thing to
plaeae your partner. You can just hang on and enjoy.
/FSEEKM #2697 30-JUN-93 13:55 (Reply to #2008, Copy by Sysop, Repl*)
From: XXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXXX
Re: FEMALE SEEKS MALE (1 reply)
Hello XXXXXXXX, Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am 24 yrs
old, 6'ft, weigh 195. I have a medium build. I have brown hair,
blue/green eyes. I don't smoke , I do drink a little. i enjoy motorcyle
rides and boating. I work from 7 a.m. to 5 p.m. I run a liitle
company. If there is anything else you would like to know just ask, or
leave me a message. see ya later. XXXXXXXX
/FSEEKM #2724 30-JUN-93 21:17 (Reply to #2697, Reply to #2008, Cop*)
From: XXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXXX
Re: FEMALE SEEKS MALE (1 reply)
Hello XXXXXXXX,
Thank you for your note. :) I do have one question for you, I was
wondering if you looked at my reg. before you decided to write to me ?
The reason that I'm asking is because I noticed that you don't smoke,
and I just wanted to make sure that you understand that I DO smoke. If
this isn't a big problem, then that's fine, but if it is I'll
understand. You decide and let me know. Oh by the way if I may ask is
your little company that you run here in XXXXXXXXX ? Well take care,
talk to you later, Bye for now.
XXXXXXXX
/FSEEKM #2736 30-JUN-93 23:58 (Reply to #2724, Reply to #2697, Rep*)
From: XXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXXX
Re: FEMALE SEEKS MALE
XXXXXXXX, I did remember that you said you smoked. That's ok with me. i
just though with my age being 24 and requesting at least 25, you might
think i was to yong to talk to. Yes my company is here in XXXXXXXXX
(XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX). so what do you like to do in your spare time?
Take care. XXXXXXXX
TALK #2398 27-JUN-93 15:18
From: XXXXXXXX
To: ** ALL **
Re: Public sex
Hmmm. This Sig is one of the dead ones. So let's get it rolling folks.
I'm just wondering what the most unusual or most public place the users
have ever done the nasty at. Let's see...Well without getting myself in
trouble I'd have to say that mine was with my ex-girlfriend. We went
over to one of her friends house and did it in front of her friend and
and her friends boyfriend. Then they did the same. That had to be the
the most unusual one. I haven't really did that much in public but I
know a gorl that used to live on XXXXXX across from the post office that
liked to flash the people driving by at rush hour. She almost caused a
car to wreck once. :)
(And here's another "good" one...)
From XXXXX: WHISPERED! good...want me to fuck you up your tight ass??!?!?!
> Message SENT only to XXXXX
>/XXX Not really... I know that is your preference, but I'm gonna have to declin
***
From XXXXX: WHISPERED! no...just the drug dealers...the fairies go to XXXXXXXX
> Message SENT only to XXXXX
>/XXX Well, I wasn't informed of that... I take it you'll be transferring over h
***
From XXXXX: WHISPERED! your right..i wanna fuck you all night long!!!!!!!!!
>***
(And that's the end of that department...)
---
-------------------
HANDY DANDY NUMBERS
-------------------
We all use the phone for one thing or another, to order food or tell mommy
that you've eloped with your pregnant girlfriend and now live in Horny Gulch,
AZ. Well, here are a few #s for all you people to play around with...
( --> means that the # tells you to call the # after the --> )
---
1-800-2FUCK-ME Pilgrim Telephone (Adult)
1-800-222-TALK --> 1-900-FUN-SLUT (Adult)
1-800-242-0100 Love Phones, radio show, 10p-12p broadcast in Cleveland,
Houston, and New York.
1-800-FUCK-OFF Pilgrim Telephone (Adult)
1-800-HAVE-SEX --> 1-800-664-2223 (Adult)
1-800-555-1212 1-800 lookup #, call and ask for the # of any business.
1-800-759-7243 SkyPager
(I know it's REALLY short, but what the hell, I'll add more later. I made
sure to put in plenty of adult #s for all you perverts who like to call and
listen to some fat hick woman in a tank-top and stained jeans to tell you to
"Enter your Visa or Mastercard number now.")
---
-------------------------------------------
DUMB PHONE STUFF MOST IDIOTS TEND TO IGNORE
-------------------------------------------
(This was taken from a TDS TELECOM phone book - All text in [ ]s are comments.)
o Call Forwarding
This feature will enable your phone to transfer incoming calls to the
number of your choice. Now you can catch after-hours business calls at
home and enjoy increased home security by not letting your phone go
unanswered.
- Forwarding your calls
1. Lift the receiver and listen for dial tone. [Well duh]
2. Dial "72." [ "1172" on rotary phones ]
3. Press the "#" button. (With a rotary dial, skip this step and wait
four seconds.)
4. Listen for a second dial tone.
5. Now dial the number (up to 16 digits) where you wish your calls to be
forwarded. (Speed Calling codes may be used if you also have this
feature.)
6. When someone answers at the forwarded number, Call Forwarding has
been put into effect. [How sophisticated]
7. If there is no answer, or the line is busy, hang up and repeat the
previous steps. If you complete thus procedure within two minutes,
you'll hear two short tones telling you your Call Forwarding feature
is in effect.
- While your calls are forwarding
When your phone is activated to forward calls, it will make one short
ring each time a call is forwarded. You can still make outgoing calls
from the phone.
- Discontinuing Call Forwarding
1. Lift the receiver and listen for dial tone. [Yes, idiots abound]
2. Dial "73." [ With a rotary phone, dial "1173" ]
3. Press the "#" button. (With rotary dial, skip this step and wait
four seconds.) Listen for two tones which signal that Call
Forwarding is discontinued. [Vaguely familiar, eh?]
(Look for more absolutely worthless phone tricks and tips in future issues
including THE DOs AND DON'Ts OF THREE-WAY CALLING, SPEED CALLING REVEALED,
and the ever-handy but widely ignored INs AND OUTs OF CALL WAITING, including
how to TURN THE DAMN THING OFF TEMPORARILY, which is always handy when making
calls on the old modem and don't want to be disconnected in the middle of a 2
and a half meg file and you just happen to be on a BBS that doesn't support
ZModem.)
---
-------------------------------
AVAST YE SCURVY-RIDDEN PIRATES!
-------------------------------
There seems to be a farely well-kept secret (at least to the casual user)
that may come in handy some time, so listen up. As you may or may not know,
there ARE ways to send Internet E-Mail and such things without them being
traced back to you. This may come in handy if you would like to flame someone
anonymously or just send pirated software to your friend in some other state.
This miracle invention is called an ANONYMOUS REMAILER. How it works is you
send your E-Mail message to the Anonymous Remailer. It then replaces your
Internet address with a randomly made one and ships it back on out to its
destination. "Oh, this is great," you may be thinking. Not quite. An
Anonymous Remailer in Finland by the name of Penet has made headlines recently
because of a complaint from the Church of Scientology in Los Angeles. As it
seems, someone sent something thru there and really got those guys at the
C of S really pissed off. Anyways, the Finnish cops told the man who runs
Penet, Johan Helsingus, either hand over the name of the sender or hand over
your whole computer. We all know the obvious choice there. The point is, it
is never truly anonymous, someone, somewhere knows, and people can get to it.
(Not easily tho, mind you.) OK, aside from that, I suppose I should give an
example. Here goes... say Jack Meoff wanted to send an anonymous E-Mail
message to his ex-girlfriend who he now hates dearly. Well, he types up his
note, and gets ready to send it. We'll say Mr. Meoff's Internet address is
Jack.Meoff@Baitors.BBS.org. So he sends it out, off to Penet, we'll say. So,
Penet takes the message and says, "Jack.Meoff@Baitors.BBS.org? Sorry, never
heard of the dumb fuck." Well, in actuality, it just strips the original
address off. Then it makes up a new, generic address for it, such as
an690@Anon.Penet.fi and ships the happy little note on its way to his
ex, who reads it and gets real pissed off. Welp, she doesn't know who sent it,
and will probably send a message back to the anonymous address, which doesn't
bother you any anyways. You're safe... pretty much, anyways. Just don't send
anything too serious, because as you've seen, they CAN catch you. Just be
careful.
(I'll have more on this "neato" concept in a later issue.)
---
-----------------------------
WHAT AN EXPLOSIVE PERSONALITY
-----------------------------
OK, here we are to the anarchy. This starting out stuff won't be all that
hot, and I'm sure if you aren't dumber than a pile of shit you could figure
all this out on your own, but hey, what the hell. BTW - This is for
information only; I am not responsible for the use or misuse of this material.
o Spray can flamethrower.
1. Get can of flammable liquid with continuous spray, i.e. hair spray or
WD-40.
2. Light.
3. Torch stuff.
Be careful with this, because since the nozzle isn't made for this type of
use, the flame COULD go into the can, blow the thing apart, and leave you
looking like Darkman. Not a popular look with the ladies.
o Spray can explosives.
1. Take spray can, but in container slightly larger than the can itself.
2. Add gunpowder. Try to get enough in there where it will get real hot
and last a little while.
3. Insert fuse. There really isn't a need for a top, but you may add one
if you want.
4. Light, run quickly, watch explosion, metal shards go flying thru the
air.
Once again, you don't want you freaking head blown off, so stay the fuck
back. You know how it always says "DO NOT LET TEMPERATURE RISE ABOVE XXX
DEGREES F?" That's because the can will explode. There you go. For an
even more interesting effect, make sure you use flammable liquids so it
will splatter and burn things it gets on. (Once again, i.e. Hair spray,
WD-40.)
o Lighter torch.
(This only works w/lighters that have adjustable flames.)
1. Pop the metal front off the lighter.
2. Make sure flame thingy is at the highest level.
3. Lift up.
4. Pull switch thingy all the way back to lowest level.
5. Push down.
6. Repeat steps 2-5 a few times until expected flame level is reached.
If done enough times, this can produce a flame close to a half a foot or
higher. Be careful not to do that too much, or the thingy will pop off.
I don't know what use this serves expect to burn someone's face off when
they ask you for a light.
o Toilet paper wicks.
1. Get toilet paper in desired length.
2. Take gunpowder and pour a small amount of gunpowder in a straight line
done the middle of the toilet paper.
3. Roll toliet paper.
I realize this is pretty sloppy and the wick goes quickly, so only use when
in a jam.
(Pretty Obvious stuff, huh?)
---
-----------------------
HEY! I WANNA GO AGAIN!
-----------------------
That's it for Issue #1. I'm looking for some others writers other than me,
so if you'd like to, you can get ahold of me... you'll know how. Good luck...
Lord of Darkness
--- Copyright 1995 --- All rights have been shoved up your ass to keep warm ---

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.. .. .. :: .. ... ... .: :. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..
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.. .. :: .. :: .. .. .: :. .. .. :: .. .. ..
.. ::::::: ::::: .. :: .. .. .... .. .. :: .. .. :::::::
............
............ ..
.. `` ... ... ..... ::::: Founded: March 1, 1995
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. :: Founding
.. .. .. .. .. ....... ::::: Member: Lord of Darkness
.. .. .. .. .. .. ::
.. .. .. .. ::::::: ::::: Issue #: 02, March 5, 1995
..............................................................................
More interesting stuff in this issue...
------------
NEWS & VIEWS
------------
I said I'd have more on the Anonymous Remailer thing, so here it is...
---
UNMASKED ON THE NET
* The Finns raid a computer that ferries anonymous messages. Now users fear
their secrets are at risk. *
Johan Helsingius' personal computer may be the most loathed machine in
cyberspace. Cranks routinely E-mail bomb it, trying to level the IBM clone
with millions of pages of gibberish. Hot-headed hackers dispatch bit-eating
"worm" programs to Helsinki to search for and destroy the computer's precious
electronic cargo. A few vengeful folks have even threatened Helsingius him-
self, for what would be the machine without the man?
But for hundreds of thousands of people on the Internet, Helsingius' comp-
uter-and the service it provides-is a glorious heaven. Known technically as
an anonymous remailer, it is the network equivalent of a Swiss bank: a conduit
by which users can ship data around the world in complete anonymity. Dozens of
anonymous remailers have sprouted up in recent years-many of them in Scan-
dinavia-but none as popular or as trusted as Helsingius' service, known as
Penet. For the past three years, networkers around the world have used his
node on the Internet as a transfer point for the most sensitive and explosive
information, secure in assurance that it could never be traced back to them.
Three weeks ago, all that changed when Finnish police, who were acting on a
complaint from the Church of Scientology in Los Angeles, served a search-and-
seize warrant on Helsingius, demanding that he turn over the real name of one
of his users. Caught by surprise, Helsingius gave them what they wanted. It
was either that, he said, or give them his entire computer.
That rip in the curtain of privacy is certain to send a chill through cyber-
space: Helsingius has become the keeper of the "Who's Who" of the computer
underground. Stored in his 200-megabyte data base is a master list of the
names and E-mail addresses of everybody who has ever sought the shelter of his
service: pornographers and political exiles; software pirates and corporate
whistle blowers; the sexually abused and their abusers.
The need for anonymous remailers stems from the design of the Internet,
which tags every packet of data with an electronic address so it can be return-
ed or re-sent if something goes wrong in transit. The system works, but it
offers no comfort to those who want to preserve their privacy. Remailers en-
sure anonymity by separating messages from their return addresses. It's
simple: say Peter wants to send an anonymous message to Paul. Instead of
mailing it directly, he sends it to Helsingius' machine, putting Paul's address
on the first line of text. Helsingius' machine automatically strips off
Peter's name and return address, and replaces them with a new, randomly
assigned address, and forwards the message to Paul. When he gets the message,
Paul has no way of knowing who sent it, though he can correspond with the
secret sender by sending a reply in care of Helsingius' Penet.
It's a service Helsingius, 33, happily provides, and since 1992 he has
offered it free to anyone on the Internet, subsidizing it with income from his
daytime job-providing Internet access to paying customers. Born to Swedish
parents in Finland, where Swedes make up only 6% of the population, Helsingius
knows what it feels like to be an outsider. Growing up near the former Soviet
Union also gave him a taste of repression. Helsingius remembers learning as a
child that people who owned typewriters in Russia had to register their
machines and provide type samples to the government "for identification pur-
poses." He came to fear that the online world could evolve into a Soviet
police state, where every utterance is traceable.
Services like Penet have fast become a popular outlet for people with
secrets to share. All sorts of people, as it turns out, have an urge to comm-
unicate incognito. The Usenet newsgroup called alt.sex.bondage, for example,
where people are encouraged to discuss some of the more esoteric sexual prac-
tices is filled with messages sent through remailers.
But while anonymity can be liberating, it can also abet illicit activity.
Penet have been used to send all sorts of contraband, from copyrighted art-
icles to stolen software to hard-core pornography. Helsingius, who opposes
thievery, put a limit on the size of the files that could be transmitted-
killing two digital birds at once, since pornographic images are now too large
to transport through Penet.
But text messages can be just as controversial as pictures. The Scien-
tologists went to police after learning that someone had broken into one of
their in-house computers, then anonymously posted a stolen file on
alt.religion.secientology, a Usenet group where contentious current and ex-
secientologists spar.
---
--------------------------
NO MORE POCKET-TENNIS, EH?
--------------------------
This a text file on how to stop masturbating, which should be "handy" for a few
of you out there.
---
GROUP: alt.sex.masturbation
SUBJECT: Those masturbating Mormons! - mormon.txt [1/1]
POSTER: CLINT3505@ins.infonet.net
STEPS IN OVERCOMING MASTURBATION
Mark E. Petersen
Council of the 12 Apostles
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints
Be assured that you can be cured of your
difficulty. Many have been, both male and
female, and you can be also if you determine
that it must be so.
This determination is the first step. That is
where we begin. You must decide that you
will end this practice, and when you make that
decision, the problem will be greatly reduced
at once.
But it must be more than a hope or a wish,
more than knowing that it is good for you. It
must be actually a DECISION. If you truly
make up your mind that you will be cured,
then you will have the strength to resist any
tendencies which you may have and any
temptations which may come to you.
After you have made this decision, then
observe the following specific guidelines:
A Guide to Self-Control:
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your
body except during normal toilet processes.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible.
Find good company and stay in this good
company.
3. If you are associated with other
persons having this same problem, YOU
MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP.
Never associate with other people having the
same weakness. Don't suppose that two of
you will quit together, you never will. You
must get away from people of that kind.
Just to be in their presence will keep
your problem foremost in your mind. The
problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND
for that is where it really exists. Your mind
must be on other and more wholesome
things.
4. When you bathe, do not admire
yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath
more than five or six minutes - just long
enough to bathe and dry and dress AND
THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into
a room where you will have some member of
your family present.
5. When in bed, if that is where you have
your problem for the most part, dress
yourself for the night so securely that you
cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so
that it would be difficult and time
consuming for you to remove those clothes.
By the time you started to remove protective
clothing you would have sufficiently
controlled your thinking that the temptation
would leave you.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering
while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED
AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX
YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the
middle of the night, and even if you are not
hungry, and despite your fears of gaining
weight. The purpose behind this suggestion
is that you GET YOUR MIND ON
SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of
your thoughts, so to speak.
7. Never read pornographic material.
Never read about your problem. Keep it
out of mind. Remember - "First a thought,
then an act." The thought pattern must be
changed. You must not allow this problem
to remain in your mid. When you
accomplish that, you soon will be free of
the act.
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your
mind at all times. Read good books
- Church books - Scriptures - Make a
daily habit of reading at least one chapter
of Scripture, preferably from one of the
four Gospels in the New Testament, or
the Book of Mormon.
9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray
about this problem, for that will tend to
keep [it] in your mind more than ever.
Pray for faith, pray for understanding of
the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the
General Authorities, your friends, your
families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT
OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING
IT EVER - NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH
OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP
IT _OUT_ of your mind! The attitude of a
person toward his problem has an effect on
how easy it is to overcome. It is essential
that a firm commitment be made to control
the habit. As a person understands his
reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to
the conditions or situations that may trigger
a desire for the act, he develops the power to
control it. We are taught that our bodies
are temples of God, and are to be clean
so that the Holy Ghost may dwell within us.
Masturbation is a sinful habit that robs one of
the Spirit and creates guilt and emotional
stress. It is not physically harmful unless
practiced in the extreme. It is a habit that is
totally self-centered, and secretive, and in no
way expresses the proper use of the
procreative power given to man to fulfill
eternal purposes. It therefore separates a
person from God and defeats the gospel
plan.
10. This self-gratifying activity will cause
one to lose his self-respect, his testimony
becomes weak, and missionary work and
other Church callings become
burdensome.
Suggestions:
1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit,
that which will strengthen you against
temptation. Pray fervently and out loud
when the temptations are the strongest.
2. Follow a program of vigorous daily
exercise. The exercises reduce emotional
tension and depression and are absolutely
basic to the solution of this problem. Double
your physical activity when you feel stress
increasing.
3. When the temptation to masturbate is
strong, yell _STOP_ to those thoughts as
loudly as you can in your mind and then
recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an
inspirational hymn. It is important to turn
your thoughts away from the selfish need
to indulge.
4. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day,
then a week, month, year and finally
commit to never doing it again. Until you
commit yourself to _never again_ you will
always be open to temptation.
5. Change in behavior and attitude is
most easily achieved through a changed
self-image. Spend time every day
imagining yourself strong and in control,
easily overcoming tempting situations.
6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement
program. Relate this plan to improving your
Church service, to improving your
relationships with your family, God and
others. Strive to enhance your strengths
and talents.
7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself
to be with others and learn to enjoy
working and talking to them.
8. Be aware of situations that depress you
or that cause you to feel lonely, bored,
frustrated or discouraged. These emotional
states can trigger the desire to masturbate
as a way of escape. Plan in advance to
counter these low periods through various
activities, such as reading a book, visiting
a friend, doing something athletic, etc.
9. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a
small card. Carry it with you, but show it
to no one. If you have a lapse of self
control, color the day black. Your goal
will be to have _no black days_. The
calendar becomes a strong visual reminder
of self control and should be looked at
when you are tempted to add another
black day. Keep your calendar up until
you have at least three clear months.
10. A careful study will indicate you have
had the problem at certain times and
under certain conditions. Try and recall,
in detail, what your particular times and
conditions were. Now that you
understand how it happens, plan to break
the pattern through counter activities.
11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a
very effective technique called _aversion
therapy_. When we associate or think of
something very distasteful with
something which has been pleasurable,
but undesirable, the distasteful thought
and feeling will begin to cancel out that
which was pleasurable. If you associate
something very distasteful with your
loss of self-control it will help you to stop
the act. For example, if you are tempted
to masturbate, think of having to bathe in
a tub of worms, and eat several of them
as you do the act.
12. During your toileting and shower
activities leave the bathroom door or
shower curtain partly open, to
discourage being alone in total privacy.
Take cool brief showers.
13. Arise immediately in the mornings.
Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what
time of day it is. Get up and do something.
Start each day with an enthusiastic
activity.
14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from
drinking large amounts of fluids before
retiring.
15. Reduce the amount of spices and
condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as
possible at night.
16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open,
yet loose and not binding.
17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or
reading materials that might create
sexual excitement.
18. It is sometimes helpful to have a
physical object to use in overcoming
this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly
held in hand, even in bed at night has
proven helpful in extreme cases.
19. In very severe cases it may be necessary
to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in
order that the habit of masturbating in a
semi-sleep condition can be broken. This
can also be accomplished by wearing
several layers of clothing which would
be difficult to remove while half asleep.
20. Set up a reward system for your
successes. It does not have to be a big
reward. A quarter in a receptacle each
time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend
it on something which delights you and
will be a continuing reminder
of your progress.
21. Do not let yourself return to any past
habit or attitude patterns which were part
of your problem. _Satan Never Gives Up_..
Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep
a positive mental attitude. You can win
this fight! The joy and strength you will
feel when you do will give your whole life
a radiant and spiritual glow of
satisfaction and fulfillment.
---
------------
ECHO MY @$$!
------------
Here's an ASCII diagram of the echomail point system.
---
Network Hierarchy
The diagram below shows the hierarchy of the Echomail network.
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<EFBFBD> ZEC 1 <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ Zone Echo Coordinators
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20>REC 10 <20> <20> REC 11<31> <20>REC 12 <20> Regional Echo Coord.
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
Net Echo Coord. <20>NEC 155<35> <20>NEC 156<35> <20>NEC 157<35>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
Nodes and Hubs <20> 157/3 <20> <20>HUB 100<30> <20> 157/200 <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20> <20> <20> <20> <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
Nodes <20> 510 <20> <20> 516<31> <20> 525 <20> <20> 533 <20> <20> 534 <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20> <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
Points <20>3533/1<> <20>3533/3 <20> <20>3533/9<> <20> 3533/20<32> <20>3534/1<>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
---
-------------------
HANDY DANDY NUMBERS
-------------------
We all use the phone for one thing or another, to order food or tell mommy
that you've eloped with your pregnant girlfriend and now live in Horny Gulch,
AZ. Well, here are a few #s for all you people to play around with...
( --> means that the # tells you to call the # after the --> )
---
1-317-522-1215 K.K.K., Realm of Indiana
1-517-731-1867 K.K.K., Realm of Michigan
1-618-251-4691 K.K.K., Realm of Illinois
1-800-222-TALK --> 1-900-FUN-SLUT (Adult)
1-800-2FUCK-ME Pilgrim Telephone (Adult)
1-800-242-0100 Love Phones, radio show, 10p-12p broadcast in Cleveland,
Houston, and New York.
1-800-ANAL-SEX --> 1-800-664-2223 and --> 1-800-385-1000 (Adult)
1-800-BLOW-JOB A service of USA Infotel (Adult)
1-800-FUCK-ASS (Adult)
1-800-FUCK-OFF Pilgrim Telephone (Adult)
1-800-FUN-COLOr M&Ms Color Voting 800#
1-800-HAVE-SEX --> 1-800-664-2223 and --> 1-800-385-1000 (Adult)
1-800-HOT-FUCK --> 1-800-868-6998 and --> 011-592-592-369 (Adult)
1-800-ORAL-SEX Uhhhh... "Raw, uncensored oral sex"... (Adult)
1-800-SEX-CHAT If no credit card --> 1-900-446-7722 (Adult)
1-800-WET-PUSSy If no credit card --> 1-900-226-4567 (Adult)
1-800-555-1212 1-800 lookup #, call and ask for the # of any business.
1-800-759-7243 SkyPager
(Yep, still pretty short... but we'll add some more later. If you're inter-
ested in beeper and voice mail numbers, call just about any # in the
(216) 290-xxxx region. Just about every one of those #s is a beeper or VM.
If you like cellular phones, try in the (216) 490-xxxx area.)
---
-----------------------
HEY! I WANNA GO AGAIN!
-----------------------
Issue #2 comes to a close... as always, if you're interested in writing for
TT, drop me a line...
Lord of Darkness
---
This has been brought to you by the letters
+--------+
| +------+
| |
| +---+
| +---+
| |
| |
+-+
and
+-+ +-+
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
\ \____/ /
\______/
and by the number
____ ______
/ ___| / _ |
/ / | |_| |
| |___ \___+ |
| _ \ | |
| |_| \ | |
\______/ +--+
--- Copyright 1995 --- Since you've gotten this far, you must NOT have a life.

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<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>͸
<20> 10/30/94 <20><><EFBFBD> Issue #1 <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>;
Huh?
Oh good, a new zine. Fuck me you say? Well, ok... it's not
new but it's a hell of a lot better than that other one I
started. Keep reading to find out what's the deal.
The Deal
For the first issue we're going to reprint a couple of files
from an old e-zine that didn't work out too good because I
lost interest in it. I thought there was a lot of good text
in that other one so it should be given a chance to be read.
After this, all other issues of Twister will be all new shit
so go ahead and read, but keep an open mind or none of this
will make sense.
Nope, there's not point we're trying to make, it's just lots of
good thoughts and humor, ok. So if none of this makes since
or stories seem out of place or contradictory, that's the fun
part.
For good measure we will ocationally throw in a bomb plan or
two for ya to keep busy with. These arn't gonna be reprints
from some anarchy mag. Everything here is completely origainal
because I'm getting sick of seeing the exact same plans in 5
differnt text files . . .
Might as well get started sicne I'm not very good at writing
these intro things.
<20><><EFBFBD>d Reign (as'id r<>n)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-- Index Thingy --
-- Barney's Rampage by Dread Head, I'm not even going
to try to explain this one.
-- Step by step plans to build a chlorine compression
bomb... loads of fun!
-- `Mickey and the Man of Steel'. A story from the
editor of the new e-zine 'Caffine'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
==== Q U O T E S ====
Trent Reznor (1990)
(nine inch nails)
The thing that really pisses me off is when someone has some
elaborate interpretation of what I'm trying to say in one song,
or just reading too much about it, and getting it all wrong.
Dread Head (1994)
(Twister)
Let me ask you something, why are these things called 'joysticks'?
There's not really that much joy involved.
Chirs Barron (1994)
(Spin Doctors)
Pot kinda takes the lid off things, and you never know what's under
that lid.
=====================
Barney's Rampage
by Dread Head
Barney the dinosaur started getting ready for his next show. After
his regular before showtime shoot-up with heroine, he sat in his
black leather recliner and just mellowed out. He then realized that
he was out of Kleenex. Blackness surrounded him as a deafening roar
of "NNNOOOOOOO!!!!" echoed throughout the studio.
A stage hand then rode in on a small sleigh pulled by about 25 gophers.
"Whats a matter Barney? What is it? What the fuck is wrong, huh?!
What!!? WHAATT!!??? HUH? Speak up!! What is a matter!!?? WHAT??!!"
A teary-eyed Barney lifted his head from his hands, and softly
spoke, "I-I'm o-out of k-k-kleenex."
"Oh my sweet mother of mercy, not again! Those damn dressing room
people will rot in hell for this! But don't worry, we'll get you a
generic brand of kleenex from the supermarket."
Barneys eyes changed to a dark red color and he bellowed, "No, YOU
and your precious gophers will pay for this travesty."
"Please god no!," the stage hand screamed, "I worship Barney, Barney
is God!! My goghers do not deserve this unjustice. Just mutilate
me, Just me!!
By now the stage hand was on his knees, tears streaming down his
distorted face. The gophers looked at each other, very puzzled by
what was happening. Some of them feared Barney, Some of them
respected him, but most of them just took a little gopher dump right
where they stood.
Barney stood up and peeled off his House Of Pain t-shirt revealing
his rippling muscles. He skipped over to where the stage hand was
kneeling and picked him up by his upper lip. An evil purple
dinosaur smile spread across his face as he proceded to drag the
stage hand over to the leather recliner. Barney then went to his
secret combination safe that was hidden behind a picture of Pebbles
Flintstone. He opened the safe. It contained a bottle of mustard,
assorted rocks, a nude pin-up of Barbara Bush, a New Kids on the
Block cd, a nude pin-up of Rush Limbaugh, and duct tape. He picked
up the duct tape but realized to his horror that it had been sabotaged.
He tried to jump away, but it was to late. The duct tape exploded
sending most of Barneys right arm across the room.
The Gophers then broke into song:
Barney's lost his charm,
Now he can cause no harm.
We goghers planted a bomb,
And now he has no arm.
"It was you DAMN gophers, ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!" screamed an enraged Barney.
He ran toward the little rodents ranting and raving like a lunatic. But
halfway there he slipped in some Gopher poo-poo. He flipped around and
fell head first on the hard concrete with a crunch.
The Gophers then went on to take over the Barney show and made millions
in the process. The stage hand then took over the job of dealing the
heroine to the drugged-up Gophers.
DREAD HEAD
-----------------------------
- = Chlorine Compression Bomb = -
Created by much experimentation from Cannabis,
<20><><EFBFBD>d Reign, and Feedback
The chlorine compression bomb is a dangerous, yet hysterical
way to get back at people that say... joked on your abnormally
large nose when you were a child. When we designed the bomb
it wasn't meant to be of the type that throws shrapnel (the
operative word here is 'meant') but it may be adapted in many
different ways to suit you needs. The purpose is to either
suffocate or scare the hell out of the victim... the effect
is determined by its size.
Equipment List . . .
1 Film Canister -- 35mm
1 Piece of Chlorine -- the size of a small rock.
1 Roll of Tape -- double sided works best.
3 Ounces of Turpentine -- umm... paint thinner doesn't work
(See the end of the document for a list of where to get this shit)
Creation . . .
1) Fill the film canister 1/4 the way full of turpentine.
2) Cut a piece of the tape about 4 x 2 inches.
3) Place the small piece of chlorine on the tape and
fold it over so that chlorine is exposed on both sides
but not the top or bottom.
4) Connect the tape to the rim of the film canister so
that the chlorine is hanging just above the turpentine.
5) Put the lid on the film canister (if it won't go on
tight because of the tape don't worry).
6) Now VERY Tightly, wrap lots of tape around the canister
until there is about 1/2 in. of tape on all sides.
Using it . . .
1) a. Pay back -- Throw it, works best inside a car or room.
b. If you really hate 'em -- shake and throw.
c. If you don't want to be around when it goes off -- make a
sticker with very small writing on it. Put the sticker
on the canister upside-down. The victim will turn the
canister over and put close to his face to read the
text . . . then, boom.
2) Deny everything.
Tips . . .
-- Never store a compression bomb. (Unless it's in the victim's house)
-- Causes cancer so don't practice on your friends.
Where to get the shit to build it with?...
Film canister: Simple . . . You usually can find an empty 35mm
canister laying around the house, if not you could
probably bum one from a friend.
Chlorine: The 60% chlorine tablets that are used in pools
will make about 25 bombs... find someone with a
pool and rip off a tablet.
Roll of tape: Real thick double sided tape is the best to use
for this. This tape is used to hold chunks of
material to jigs while using a pin router,
therefore it might be a little hard to find.
Don't even try masking tape, it's not strong
enough. If no double sided tape can be found
use duck tape.
Turpentine: Look in your garage, if none is in there just take
a little from your neighbor like usual. If you're
one of those loving, happy, trustworthy people you
can try the hardware store (but that's for the
weak-hearted).
-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-
This would be the perfect place to put
the disclosure if I didn't think they
were so damn stupid... <20><><EFBFBD>d Reign
-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-
#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#
Mickey and the Man of Steel
or
Of Mice and Men of Steel
A story by Greedo
#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#
I saw him just the other day. He was flying through the skies just
like a fucking bird. Man, you should of seen him. He was wearing that big
red cape of his. It was really nice, I mean if you are into capes and
shit. He was real cool looking, he had one fist in front of his body kinda
like it was pointing him in the direction he needed to go.
I watched him real good. He just kind of flew by and that nice red
cape flapped and then all the sudden he just kinda fell to the ground. It
wasn't like a rock fallen out of the sky. It was more like when you see a
paper airplane land and it has that nice gentle touchdown, and kinda moves
forward a bit. He didn't move forward at all though, he's the man of steel
ya know, and steel don't move anywhere it doesn't want to, but his cape
moved. The red folds kinda covered his whole body for a second.
That cape sure was nice.
He landed and all and he walked up to the place where all the other
important people talk. The cape kind bounced as he walked, boy was it ever
red. He stood before the microphones and that "S" on his chest kinda rose
and fell as he breathed. It was kinda funny to think of. I mean that
steel could move and all. Steel doesn't really twist or flex like that.
He coughed a few times also, I guess even giants get mucus in their
throats. That's what he is ya know, a giant. I only saw one other giant.
I killed him too.
I was a tailor in the village. "Killed seven in one blow," I said.
They all thought that was good of me. Took me to the king and all. I
thought killing seven flies was no big deal. They did. The king was
wearing a big red cape, not like the flying guys' though. His had the fur
of dead animals all around it and it didn't bounce when he walked.
The king told me about a giant that liked the village so much he wanted
to destroy it. I was scared and I figured they wanted me to make clothes
for him or something. They wanted me to kill the giant. Me a killer of
flies becoming a killer of giants. I did it then and I will do it now.
The giant didn't look so mean. He was kinda stupid. I was smarter than
him. That's real bad, me being a mouse and all.
I killed the other giant real fast. Tied him up and made him into a
park for the kids. I got a real pretty wife from it all. We have several
children. They don't look right though. A few have big ears like mine and
a head like their mom's. A few are normal except for a tail. The kids
kinda get laughed at. I feel sorry for my kids, their Papa is a real
loser. I kill giants though.
After the first one I got a wife and plenty of gold. It kinda made my
life until a few months ago. I got kinda into trouble with my
investments. I put money into stock markets and they fell hard. My money
got all used up. I started to drink. My wife didn't think I was doing
good so she went and told the Queen. Her and the King laughed and told her
to go back to her mutant children and mouse of a husband. Told her to make
me sew pants for a living. I couldn't do that. I kill giants.
I even have business cards that say so.
Anyways I was standing around the bar one day. My dog was
with me. Dumb fucking dog too. Named him after a planet or a philosopher,
i forget which. A guy, he had a bald head, came up to me. He looked all
rich and had a pretty green rock in a ring on his hand. The rock scared
me. It was real green. I think it would have gone real well with that red
cape. He said he knew of my work, and asked if I still killed giants. I
said yeah and handed him my card. I took another drink from my bottle.
Rot gut beer but the bar was still closed so I couldn't get good stuff, I have
a tab in the bar.
He said he wanted me to kill a giant in the big city. I was scared of
the big city, but i didn't tell the bald guy that. I almost asked him if
his head got sun burned but I figured a rich guy like him took care of
things like that. He offered me a lot of money. I took it and said I
would do my best. He said that either the giant would die or I would. I
kinda laughed and took another drink.
I went home and packed my bag. I got out my old scissors and put them
on top of my old clothes. I took a bottle of the good whiskey I had too.
The special stuff. My wife came home just as I was leaving. I told her I
was going to kill a giant. She laughed and called me a fucking lame ass
loser. I got a knot in my throat and left. I loved my wife. Maybe if I
kill the giant I can come back to her. No, if I kill the giant I will get
a new wife. I don't really love her I guess.
I got to the big city and he picked me up in a big black car. It was a
nice one. Real good bar in it. He offered me a drink, so I had three. He
told me the giant was the flying guy. He wasn't so big I said. He laughed
and called him a giant in other ways, maybe even a god. I never killed a
god before. I forgot about that though and called him a giant. I can kill
a giant.
I went to the park about noon. I had my big scissors all polished and
ready to get him. I decided I would just kill him and forget the park for
the kids. Anyway he was too small for a park. I got a beer before I went
to the park though. It tasted good, I bet killing a giant will make me
drink more. Who cares though? I will be rich.
He landed and he went to the speaking place and his cape was all red
and he looked like man more than a giant. I yelled at him and he looked at
me. The crowd kinda laughed. I ran at him and someone said not to run
with scissors. I killed the guy that said that. He made me mad I guess. I
hope he rots in hell with the other giants. I made it to the speaking place
and tried to stab him. He looked at me and then he twisted my scissors and
all. So I tried sewing him all up in his cape. He stopped me though. I
told him I killed giants. He said he wasn't a giant and that I was going
to jail. He looked at me like he had never seen a big mouse before. I
guess the beer and the running didn't do good for me. I threw up on his
nice red cape. It kinda ran down it and I hoped it wouldn't stain because
it looked like a nice cape.
He took me to the jail house and I was put in a cell. That's where I
am now. For some reason my head was spinning and I realized that I had cut
myself with my scissors. I was bleeding but no one noticed. I laid there
and thought about all the money I could have had if I killed one more
giant. I think I could have done it if it wasn't for that red cape. I
liked it too much to really hurt anyone that had it.
The moral of this story? Don't fuck with men in red capes even if you
can kill giants.
The characters in this story are copyrighted to Disney and DC comics
and I didn't get their permission to use them.
=============================================================================
=============================================================================
Got lots of good files for the next issue so keep reading
-----------------------------
Cryogenic Crypt
919-482-5824
No Ratios!
Completely Free
Megs of text online
-----------------------------
Use the info, don't just read it
--------
---
-

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<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Application To Join The VANDALS/MCH
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><> <20> <20> <20>
Since We Didn't Have Time To Make A Nice Little Application Generator, This
Will Have To Do. Please Fill In All The Questions Correctly And Mail The
Application To Me On The Internet Or Upload It To Forbidden Planet BBS. My
E-Mail Address Is: an681512@anon.penet.fi.
Articles About Anything Will Be Accepted As Long As They're Original,
Unique And Well Written.
We Really Need Some VGA And ANSI Artists, And Having A Couple More Coders
Would Also Be Good. Nice Looking (And Intelligent) Girls Will Also Be
Accepted. If Your Lame Then Don't Bother To Apply, But Maybe You'll Have
Some Luck Joining The Avengers, They Usually Accept Lamers In Their Group.
<20> <20> <20> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
----------------------------------/ Cut Here /---------------------------------
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Name: [.....................................................................]
Internet Address: [.........................................................]
Current/Past Affils: [......................................................]
Age: [.......] Sex: [............] Years In Scene: [..............]
Position Your Interested In: [ ] Writer [ ] Coder [ ] Artist
[ ] Cracker [ ] BBS Site [ ] Music
[ ] PPEs
Tell Us A Little About Yourself: [...........................................
.............................................................................
.............................................................................
.............................................................................
.............................................................................
............................................................................]
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
Good Luck!

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A BIG Vandals ASCII Would Go Great Here!
<20><>-<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ĵ VANDALS\MCH MEMBERS & INFO <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>--<2D><>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>---<2D><> Parker Lewis <20><>--<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
Organizer, Cracker, Writter, Music, PPEs, Coder
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>---<2D><> Mega Devil <20><>--<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
Cracker, Coder, Writter, Virii
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>---<2D><> Punisher <20><>--<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
Coder, Writter, Graphics
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>---<2D><> Annihilator <20><>--<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
Coder, Virii
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>---<2D><> Skyvaheri SilverArrow <20><>--<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
Writter
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>---<2D><> B.O.B <20><>--<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
Music, Coding, Art
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><>-<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ĵ CONTACTING INFO <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>--<2D><>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>---<2D><> InterNet E-Mail <20><>--<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
Parker Lewis (an681512@anon.penet.fi)
B.O.B (jwnrski@execpc.com)
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>---<2D><> World Wide Web Page <20><>--<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
None Yet
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>---<2D><> BBS Sites <20><>--<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
Forbidden Planet BBS (Vandals WHQ) +351-96-XXXXXX
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>---<2D><> FTP Sites <20><>--<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
Forbidden Knowledge - Ftp.EText.Org/pub/Zines/ForbiddenKnowledge
Low Self Esteem - Ftp.EText.Org/pub/Zines/LowSelfEsteem
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
We Are Always Looking For More BBSes To Distribute Our Releases, If Your
Interested Then Please Fill In The VANDALS.APP File And E-Mail It To Parker
Lewis, We Also Need Some FTP Directories, To Place Our Releases In, if You
Can Help Please Contact Us.
<20><>-<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ĵ END OF FILE <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>--<2D><>

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vivatron - issue #001
the totally unrepressed rant zine
'fuck all of you elite fuckwads in #zines'
by augustus gloop
i can't stand all of you fucking little dorks who hang out in channel
#zines with all of your bots with stupid sounding names, such as snuffyII or
y0lkbot. you sit around and masturbate to each other's so-called cleverness.
you are all stuck-up assholes who claim to hate other stuck-up assholes when
really the stuck-up assholes who you hate are already stuck up your asshole.
you are all smokers, which shows a little something about your pathetic
personalities. you only talk to those in your own little group, which makes
you elitist bastards. most of you were big conformists and nintendo-junkies
in junior high and then went through a transitional state in high school when
you found other losers like yourselves and in order to bolster some sort of
group esteem, you wrote stupid text files about your own boring clique lives
and considered yourselves better than everyone else because you started
typing all in lower case and replacing o's with 0's. now you want to make a
career of writing only about yourselves and your dysfunctionalities, which
you think are ever so unique but really aren't. they are really fucking
stupid. well, i can't wait until you all die of lung cancer. and i bet as
you read this, you are thinking 'what a stupid twerp', and guess what? i
don't care, because i think you are the stupid twerps. so go die. ha ha.
'shaving'
by augustus gloop
i hate it when i shave and tear off a bunch of skin so my neck is all
red. i bet you are thinking 'shaving is easy', and it is, but what i'm
saying is razor blades weren't designed to go across the surface of your
neck, because you have your adam's apple which gets in the way, so you
scratch the hell out of your neck. i would stop shaving, but i don't want to
look like some dirty, unkept snotwag in #zines, so i'll continue scratching up
my neck for the sake of posterity.
'demo people'
by augustus gloop
demo people are much more talented than #zines people, because they
actually have a productive talent, unlike those idiots who write about cheese
balls or planters peanuts and think it's all deep and meaningful and shit.
well guess what? it's not even fun to read, because it's so fucking stupid.
i mean, i'd rather read the label of a planters peanuts can instead of
watching your dumb lower-case ass fantasize about how you are going to make a
business of writing and distributing zines, which are about worthless
subjects such as 'jamesy's bad day at the cheese whiz factory'. so back to
my topic of demo people. demo people actually have talents. they can write
music and code computer games. this is something society as a whole can
benefit from. the only members in society who want to read articles such
'odin's dick in philadelphia' are high school losers who sit around eating
dry pasta and watching space ghost. you can't make money off of that, you
big dumbasses. you might be thinking, 'demo people can't make money selling
their demos' and maybe you're right, but at least demo people can speak finnish.
'metalchic'
by augustus gloop
i've seen gifs of metalchic and she's really hot but she acts like a
total dumbass so i could never fuck her and respect her. besides, she's from
new jersey. she probably eats prairie grass.
'metalchic ]['
by mr. obvious
well, for all i know, this metalchic chick could be the hottest thing
on wheels, but if she types in lowercase and smokes, then she might as well
be dead, she'd be better off that way.
'base-plate cavalcade'
by mr. obvious
i have a cat named base-plate cavalcade. his favorite foods are things
like cheese, milk, other dairy products, and people that come into my
house. why the fuck do people come to my house? i don't even have any
friends, but they come to my fucking house anyway. they're just using me
because i have a cat that fucking eats cheese and they like to exploit him.
they're kinda like people in #zines that way, they exploit things that they
can, and do it all with a sense of ignorance that makes me sick. kinda like
the people in my house, they make me fucking sick too.
'typing in lower-case'
by mr. obvious
i hate you mother fuckers that type in lower-case. writing styles were
developed for a fucking purpose, to make text/handwriting easier to read. do
you think that uppercase letters are a creation of 'the man' in another of
his attempts to 'beat you down'? you're so fucking stupid. another problem
i have with you stupid fuckers is that some of you have the nerve to correct
other people's grammar, and yet you don't even fucking do a god damn thing
right yourself. not using capitals would get you flunked in any english
class in any school on earth, yet you think that somehow you have the right
to comment on other people's writing ability? get a fucking clue, you're
worse than they are. i'd rather see someone misspell out of lack of
knowledge than be an ignorant piece of shit and not use capitals to 'look
cooler'. fuck you.
'violent femmes'
by mr. obvious
i know all of you stupid #zines fuckers like the violent femmes. the
violent femmes is probably the worst fucking band on earth, right up there
with dark throne and burzum. however, unlike dark throne and burzum, the
members of the violent femmes seem to have no idea that they create the worst
music imaginable. it's atonal, it's hideous, it's total shit. if you like
it, you're simply a bad person.

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From JoeDysart@aol.com Wed Apr 10 13:14:22 1996
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 1996 13:00:27 -0400
From: JoeDysart@aol.com
To: JoeDysart@aol.com
Subject: VR Monthly Heads-Up: April 14, 1996
<<<<<<<VIRTUAL REALITY MONTHLY: HEADS UP>>>>>>>
April 14, 1996 ~ Vol. 1 No. 3
3DO CUSTOMIZES BLADEFORCE FOR VR
BladeForce, a flying action-shooter title from Studio 3DO, has been
customized to operate with X-O-Tron VR. A life-sized gyroscope that immerses
gamers into the bullet-dodging, tail-spinning, and dive-bombing action of 3DO
games, the VR gyro has already been snapped up by Paramount's Wonderland in
Ontario, Canada, and at Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.
Besides targeting amusement parks and shopping malls, the manufacturer of
the X-O-Tron -- Altare Advanced Technologies -- also has plans to sell the
X-O-Tron to health clubs as a form of exercise and entertainment. Pricing for
the VR technology starts at $22,000.
Contact: Diane Hunt, The 3DO Company
Voice: (415) 261-3214 Email: diane.hunt@3do.com
^<5E>96: A YEAR OF RAPID GROWTH FOR VR
The coming year will witness great strides in the growth of virtual
reality, according to 4th Wave, an industry consultancy. The great
expenditures once needed to generate heart-renderingly compelling 3D graphics
will continue to shrink, and industry and consumers alike will begin to enjoy
VR at affordable rates. In July ^<5E>95's issue of "VR Monthly," 4th Wave offers
it's projections on the growth of VR in R&D, applications, marketing, public
play, entertainment equipment and other key markets through 1999.
The issue is available for $30 -- or free with a one year, $99
subscription to "VR Monthly." Send email to the editor and publisher to
order.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MORE ABOUT VR MONTHLY HEADS-UP: Currently, VR
Monthly Heads-Up is an online sampler spotlighting the kind of coverage
subscribers find every month in "Virtual Reality Monthly: The World Market's
Window on VR," a hard copy, 16-page newsletter.
~To obtain a sample email version of a complete issue of Virtual
Reality Monthly (May 1995 only), send an email message to
auto@rome.servint.com, with the following words in the body of the
message: get freevrm
~The free email sample currently includes a special discount
"2-for-$99" order form.
~To obtain information on how to advertise with Virtual Reality
Monthly Heads-Up, contact Joe Dysart, the editor and publisher at:
dysart@delphi.com.
~ (c) Copyright 1996 Virtual Reality Monthly and The Dysart Group. All
rights reserved.
(To unsubscribe from this list, send any email message to
JoeDysart@aol.com with the following word in the subject heading of
the message: unsubscribe)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(3)

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WAG
Vol. 1, No. 8
July 1994
Table of Contents
Cover story: Wind Aloft, Rum Below
Travel: Touring York
Advice: Dear Stinky the Clown
Sports: Stop the Presses! The Wave Has Reached Richmond & Recognizing the Diamond's Four Millionth Fan & The Amateur Athlete
Book Review: John Grisham's The Chamber & Shot in the Heart
Music: The Rolling Stones Get Some $atisfaction
Computers: The Internet
BBS Listings
Astrological Forecast
Reports from the Edge
About WAG
Wind Aloft and Rum Below
by Jim Quinn
The captain soon went down below
and said to his steward
"There's a storm begin to blowx
Go and make me a drink
that'll make me cough
for it's better weather here
than it is up above
xwith a yo-ho-ho
toe-row-row
Wind aloft and rum below"
It's not unlike all the other sailing days I'd spent on the Chesapeake: up with the dawn and drive east to Deltaville with a change of underwear, socks, tee-shirt and a pair of shorts.
But it's an unfamiliar boat, with a crew I had never sailed with before. Any mild qualms I feel, though, are eased as we talk. By the time the owner joins us, we are all much better acquainted.
Our skipper, with whom I'd never sailed till that day, asks us what our particular strengths are to assign positions for the race. Mine, I'm proud to admit, is being able to do whatever I'm told with the minimum explanation. Furthermore, I'm completely devoid of ego. I've had a teenager lean towards me on the low rail of a boat and say, "Uhxthat jib could come in a little more, Mr. Quinn," and a seasoned salt yell, "Dammit, get that sail inxIN!! Morexmorex.Somebody get down there and help him."
It doesn't pay to have a thin skin on a racing sailboat.
As we are going over crew assignments, the skipper announces we are still a man short. My heart sinks a notch as I notice the 'missing man' walking up the dock towards us like a cat stalking its prey. I'd raced against this guy on other boats. I'm sure the creators of Cheers based Cliff's character on him, but then toned it down because nobody-nobody-could know everything about everything. Once, before a race, I happened to be walking across the parking lot on the way to the docks and noticed him coming up on my right, gear in hand. He focused his sunglasses on me and asked which boat I'd be on that day. I told him, and he kept walking, saying "You must like going slow."
Motoring out, the owner takes the helm and suggests that, because of our inexperience working together as a team, we get out early and do a couple spinnaker sets and take-downs to prepare for the race. Flying a huge, brightly colored spinnaker is one of the most beautiful sights on the water. But it can also be the most spectacular screw-up you can imagine (other than sinking the boat).
On our third practice set and take-down, I feel a little more confident, but I notice that everyone else knows what to do much better than I. It is decided that I should handle the halyard on the appropriate winch near the base of the mast, then keep the running backstays out of people's way when we gybe the chute.
The halyard is easy enough. With two other guys 'jumping the halyard on the mast,' all I have to do is crank it in on the winch. If they do their job right, there's very little I can screw up. The running backstays, however, are a different story. The mast is already supported by large-diameter shrouds, or rigging, that holds it upright. The running backstays serve to tilt the mast toward the windward side of the boat to help hold as much wind as possible in the sails.
The top of the mast can actually be seen to bend backwards when the running backs are tightened. Since the line controlling them is on a set of pulleys, not a lot of actual strength is required. You must merely be quick and make sure they aren't fouling something before you pull them tight. When they're loose, they whip across the cockpit and need to be clear of everything and everybody before being snugged up.
It's also my job to make sure any 'loose lines' are kept out of the water.
We arrive at the starting line area in plenty of time. We're fairly relaxed, but there are so many things that can go wrong on the boat. Last fall, one of the big boats broke her mast a foot above the cabin top. We still aren't sure how it happened. All I saw was the huge mainsail in the water and people on deck looking at the damage. Popular opinion is that they had the main cranked down too hard for the weather and were trying a maneuver when it happened. We notice this boat is now floating close to us, and someone shouts across the water, "Heyxnew stick?"
It looks like we'll be racing about eight other boats in our particular class. We're bigger than any of the competition by far, but with a complicated handicap rating, we're all equal. We'll have to beat the next fastest boat by nearly fifteen minutes, when it's all over. And it'll be a l-o-n-g day: we're racing a fifty-miler.
At best, it'll take us about nine hours to complete the course; two triangles with two legs that take us across the Bay almost to the Eastern Shore, then north to the Rappahannock River and back down to Deltaville.
As we sail close to the committee boat, we realize that a course has already been selected. The first turning mark will be across the Bay, well out of sight over the horizon.
A fifty-miler tests navigators. Or as the navigator on our boat says, 'naviguessors.' In the committee boat's windows, we read out the large red letters, denoting specific marks on our charts. The red letters mean we leave all marks to the left, or portside, as we come around them. Last year, I was on a smaller boat, and we finished well after sundown in a dying breeze. Some boats were still racing well after midnight. It could happen like that again today. But the boat I'm on will be one of the fastest in the racing fleet, and I predict we'll finish around nine that evening.
As we come around the committee boat a second time, I notice a person standing in the back of the boat, holding a twelve gauge shotgun across his chest.
As we get closer, I see him tilt his head down and twist the gun to check the safety, then raise it to the sky. A timekeeper counts down: "Threextwoxonexfire the gun."
Some of our crew simultaneously mark the exact time on their watches. "Ten minutes till our start," someone says.
"You know, skipper," I say, "the last time somebody fired a shotgun that close to my head, he said 'what're yer intentions towards my dotter, boy?'" That gets a good laugh from everyone.
The best place to be in a yacht race is on the line with the best speed and in clear air. Finding that elusive position will help any boat to win a race, and we're no exception. With a mistake in our position, we could be 'over early,' in which case the committee boat would sound a horn and call out our sail number or the name of our boat. We'd then have to duck back and re-start the race. Having that happen doesn't necessarily mean you'll lose too much time to win.
But it's precious time, nonetheless.
This is the only time all the boats in the race will be crowded together, and things can happen. Boats have 'bumped' each other and worse. On the other hand, you have a close-up view of the beauty of sailing. The boats establish a special rhythm with the waves, dipping into them and sending spray half the length of the boat; the fabric sails stretch until they're smooth, aerodynamic shapes with the incredible power that pulls a boat upwind.
I have only a moment to enjoy the scene, though, because I have to get to the high side of the boat after we tack and put my weight on the rail to help 'right the boat.' I'm rail meat. Ballast.
That's fine with me. I concentrate on watching how the boat is tacked over the first time, so I can do it just as well when I need to. We're a 'slow-tacking boat,' not especially a good feature to point out, but since we're the biggest (and heaviest) boat out today, it shouldn't be unexpected. But it's a smooth tack. The sail comes in to its proper trim as the skipper settles into the new heading, and we seem to be flying through the water.
Only two of the boats that started with us have flopped over to our tack, and we seem to be pulling ahead of them. Our wake forms a gentle arc behind us, gradually straightening out as we take our new course. The naviguessor gives the skipper a three-digit compass heading to put us across the Bay. We're lucky the wind has shifted slightly to our right; we can point our bow more closely toward the mark. Of course, the wind is helping the boats behind us too, but we hope it isn't as strong for them.
Wind on the Bay is a funny thing. Boats can be three lengths apart, and the same puff of wind helps one boat at the cost of the other. Next time you cross the Huguenot Bridge, check the wind on the river. A small oval patch of disturbance on the surface indicates a puff that's reached the water. It's no more than twenty by thirty feet and dies as quickly as it came up. Imagine two sailboats in that same general area. One boat might be helped by that puff, but it might die out before the other boat can catch it. That's what 'playing the shifts' means. In a boat our size, playing the shifts is an art form.
The skipper seems happy with this particular breeze, and we hold our course. We're all settled in on the windward rail, ballasting the boat with our bodies to help us go even faster. The smaller boats windward of us are falling farther and farther behind. Almost as if the fellow to my right can read my mind, he says "We owe them about twelve seconds a mile." I look towards the twelve-seconds-a-mile-boat and grunt.
Time passes slowly when you're rail meat. There's nothing to do but stay still, be as comfortable as you can be wrapped under the lifelines, keep the rest of the people dry when an infrequent wave breaks across the bow and keep track of the boats behind you if you're sitting closer to the stern.
If an unusually large wave should rise up, the bowman's job is to 'call it' by shouting, "wave in three two one." Upon hearing this, the helmsman will fall off his course slightly for a little additional speed. By the time the bowman's cadence reaches 'one,' he's swinging the bow into the wind to punch through the wave and then fall off again to build the speed back up and continue on the previous course.
The sight of a sharp bow smashing through a wave is spectacular, with the large wall of white and heavy green spray sloshing back across the rest of the boat. A good bowman will catch much of this water on his chest, keeping his shipmates dry. Once, on this leg, a wave does exactly this, and a wide shallow stream flows down the deck to where we're all sitting. I hear someone mutter, "You're fired," to our bowman, who has hunkered down on the rail with us.
The wind has shifted significantly to our left, away from the mark we're headed for. The skipper has already looked behind to see what the other boats are doing, and he decides to tack rather than change course. In yacht racing, this is usually a smart move, but any boats behind you see that the wind has changed several minutes before the change affects their course. If they're smart, they'll tack too, saving some precious seconds of time. If we fall off a little, the other boats will see a different angle on our hull, and they'll know the wind ahead has shifted. Either way, we're giving away information to the other boats.
On this tack, it's my turn to crank in the big headsail, while another person hauls in the sheet. The winch I'll be cranking is the size of a salad bowl in a Ruby Tuesday buffet, so it shouldn't be too difficult for a man of my size to work it. As we all slide out from under the lifeline, I hear a stern voice say, "I'll put the wraps onxyou crank." The voice is followed by a slap on my shoulder by, of all people, Cliffie. Swell.
Tacking takes some getting used to. As the boat tacks, the deck slopes from one side to the other abruptly. In the meantime, the brace you chose for your left foot is moving up towards the area of your knee, and you're suddenly leaning out over the lifeline and the open water. All the while, the mainsail boom is gliding across the cockpit, and you try to avoid being knocked overboard. The jib sheet is spinning around the winch, still a long way from being trimmed in, and I am breathlessly aware that the handle I'm cranking around the winch is getting toxbeximpossiblextoxmovexanotherxinch. But it's a two-speed winch, and by reversing the direction I'm cranking, it'll switch gears and become easier (although slower) to crank.
Shifting my weight again, I become horribly aware that I was in the easier gear. This winch ain't gonna move. Cliffie puts a strain on the sheet, grits his teeth and shouts to everyone, "Get it IN! Get IT IN!"
In the millisecond I have to think about it (I can already feel the tightness in my chest, and for a second I see an elephant charging out of my television set, and a phone number to call for chest pain), I know I'm not capable of finishing the job. Someone else will have to come back down to the low side of the boat to help me. This will slow us down. The skipper, who is standing just an arm's length away concentrating on finding the best angle of sail for this tack, glances down to check my progress (this has literally taken less time than you've taken to read it, even in my lean and concise writing style) and looks back to windward.
I then do the worst thing. I ask the skipper to head into the wind a second to relieve pressure on the sail and let me finish cranking it in. Instead of glaring at me, he gives me an "Oh sure, this happens all the time" look and points us up a couple of degrees. The sail flops for a millisecond, and the crank flies around a full turn and a half, moving the sail in nine inches tighter.
Wrapping the sheet around the top of the self-tailing winch to hold it securely in place, I scramble behind the skipper and take my place on the rail, next to Cliffie, who berates me for not getting it in fast enough. I refrain from a suitable reply and focus on the horizon and the new boats we can see to leeward of our position. After a few moments on the new tack, someone on the rail looks back at the killer winch, furrows his eyebrows and says, "That jib looks a little too tightxsomebody oughta ease it out a little."
I begin to extricate myself from the lifelines, being the closest person to the hostile winch. Then someone snickers, "NOT." Okay, I can take this. These guys have done it too.
After what seems to be a short time, we notice the shoreline of the Eastern Shore coming up. Soon, we can make out the treeline and then houses, and finally we see a tall bell buoy, the one we've been sailing towards for the better part of an hour.
"Ixuhxthink that's the one," our naviguessor says. "Uhxcan you get closer?"
Seeing the mark means we'll be busy soon. Before we round, the huge spinnaker has to come up on deck in its special bag, the spinnaker pole must be rigged and preset, the chute has to be hoisted to the top of our mast and the jib dropped to the deck.
Most of this is done at opposite ends of the boat. The bowman and a helper prepare everything and then jump the halyard while someone cranks it in on the winch. In the cockpit, people set their sheets onto the winches and hunker down to crank them in or ease them out, as the case may be. We've practiced this, so there are no real surprises, and the sail change happens like clockwork.
The wind is behind us now, after being in front during the previous leg. The naviguessor calls out a new course heading and tells us what the next mark is. We then settle into the 'easy' part of sailing. One person trims the spinnaker while the rest of us lounge around, spreading our weight out to balance the boat. I'm ready for a nap, so I stretch out on the cabin top and quickly fall asleep.
When I wake up, the colorful fleet is strung out behind us, flying a multitude of chutes. Some are stripes and bands of magenta, bright green, pink, or yellow; others are a solid color with a distinctive design stitched into the fabric. It's a little easier to see who's behind us and where they are in relation to our position. The skipper gestures towards them. "We owe him twelve seconds a mile," he says. "Him we owe fifteenxthat one we owexI forget how much."
We're doing well, given the wind and seas. In the relative shallows of the Eastern Shore, we pass lines of crab pot floats and use them to determine whether the current is pushing us toward the next mark or if it's slack and about to shift.
I take off my shirt, fold it up under my head and snooze for a while, gently rocking in the slight swells. When I wake up, the other guys are passing around sandwiches and snacks. Meals aren't served at pre-determined times. We eat when it's convenient. There have been times on other boats when I didn't have much of an appetite.
But I'm reveling in this day. The sun slips behind clouds now and then, it isn't too hot and it's not windy enough to chill us if we should get wet. All in all, an idyllic day in Paradise.
Now we can see the next mark. It's right on our bow, exactly where we thought it would be. The skipper reminds us that we'll have to drop the chute on the next leg and re-set the jib for the third leg. We'll need the chute again before the day is over, so the skipper assigns two people to handle the re-bagging below decks while the rest of us are getting the jib back up and trimming it back in tight. I stare at the winch, planning my attack.
The worst thing we can do is drag the chute in the water when it comes down. This can be avoided in two ways. First, by easing the halyard down while everyone yells "faster! FASTER!!" The other is to grab huge handfuls of the lightweight fabric and haul it aboard while everyone else yells "FASTER!!!" Take your pick. If the sail touches the surface of the water, it will dance across the surface while you pull it in. If you lose a grip on the billowing fabric and water gets on top of the sail, it becomes an instant sea anchor, pulling you backwards while your momentum is still moving you forward.
Someone has to stay on the halyard to make sure it runs free; all other hands line the leeward rail (the side away from the wind) and pull the sail in. Once again, it's something we've practiced, so we know what to do. The skipper announces that we better get the number-one jib below decks and the number two up as soon as possible. Without argument or question from me, I hop forward to help. The mark rounding is coming up, and in addition to getting the chute down, we have to get a big sail off the deck and a completely new one set.
The sail change is executed professionally, for the rest of the fleet to envy. I glance behind us one more time as we turn up into the wind, looking for a sharply defined shadow of ripples to come at us, a visible indication of new, fresher wind. It's as still as before. Trimming the sail in without nearly as much effort, we lock it down and head for our familiar positions on the rail. One of the guys is looking intently at and the sweep second hand on his wrist-watch, counting off the seconds as the other boats round the mark. "First boat around in one minute forty-five seconds," he calls out, to no one in particular.
"How much time do we owe him?" is the next question. We've sailed roughly twelve miles, and in handicap performance timing, he's breathing down our necks. We can still make some time on him if we're smart or if he's careless.
I look back at the 'first around' boat. He's heading directly into the wind, sails flapping, trying to get the big jib down and a smaller sail up.
"Could have been us," I say, just as the boat seems to stop dead in the water.
The third leg takes us back towards the Piankotank. Then, with the wind coming almost abeam instead of ahead, we reach across the Bay again and back downwind under the chute. As we douse the chute for the last time and set the number-two jib, we have a good idea of how much longer we'll be out. The last leg is only a couple of miles long, close in toward the shore, and unless things change drastically, it'll be after sunset when we finish.
The wind seems to be staying with us as we pick out our last mark and try to spot the race committee boat. Figuring out which side of the line she's on is our final navigation problem. We pick out the marker easily enough, since we know it's a light flashing every few seconds. There's only one mark like that where we're going. But close to it, in the darkness, there seems to be another boat, also sitting at anchor. We split the difference, aiming for the flashing light, and with about seventy-five yards to go, we make out the familiar committee boat's superstructure.
As the first boat to cross the finish line, we get the 'gun.' We then drop our sails, start up the engine and hang around to see who's behind us and how many minutes back they are. A horn sounds across the water, and we check the time. He's beaten us, but only by a narrow margin.
I go through a quick mental checklist of what we could have done differently, more quickly or more smoothly. Then I remember my experience on the winch.
Well.
Now, though, in the enveloping darkness, motoring into our slip, I have a more urgent question: What color are my legs, exactly? They seem to stand out from the white deck and topsides, instead of blending in like they did ten hours before. I reach out and touch my right thigh. A big, yellowish-white island appears under my finger, only to turn dark red again as the blood rushes back into my skin's blood vessels. Ouch!
This, I think as I stand up, could mean trouble.
Editors' Note: Ever fearless, the sunburned Mr. Quinn sails the Bay whenever he can. To get into the spirit, he says, he listens to Naval Academy Glee Club compact discs. They are available, he tells us, from Richardson Records (1938 Baltimore Annapolis Boulevard; Annapolis, MD 21401-6248).
Touring York
by Deborah Owen
Easter weekend was still a week away, but it seemed that all of Britain had started the holiday early. Add the fact that there had been a rail strike the day before-on a Friday yet-and the result was a train packed nearly to bursting with eager vacationers.
It hadn't occurred to me to make a seat reservation, so I ended up standing between cars with several other unfortunate travelers and accompanying luggage, for the entire two-and-a-half hour ride from Edinburgh to York. When we finally arrived at the station, there was a collective sigh of relief as the travel-weary passengers poured from that sardine can on rails.
The brief taxi ride from the station to my accommodations showed me little of York, since I was staying at a bed and breakfast house just outside the walls that surround the city. One of the first things I learned about York was that the streets are called gates, the gates are called bars, and the bars are called pubs. The Mont-Clare Guest House was just off Gillygate near Bootham Bar.
After settling in, I thought it would be a good idea to check out some of the shops, since the following day would be Sunday and I wasn't sure what would be open. Bootham Bar is the oldest of the four entrances to the city, and after passing through the ancient gateway I got my first good look at York Minster. The Minster, as it's known, is the largest medieval Gothic cathedral in northern Europe, and everything in York seems to converge on this dominant structure.
South of the Minster is Stonegate, one of the major shopping streets. Stonegate is closed to traffic, as a preventative against claustrophobia and noise pollution. The shops are housed in medieval and Georgian buildings, and often the architecture competes with the goods being sold inside for the attention of the tourist.
Mulberry Hall, with its Tudor front, was built in the 15th century as a private dwelling. It now contains fourteen showrooms of tableware and collectibles, including English bone china by Wedgwood and Royal Doulton and Waterford crystal.
Souvenir shopping can work up an appetite, but most of the eateries, including McDonald's, were becoming crowded with shoppers who all had the same idea. The quickest alternative was to grab an order of Mcfish and chips. Being that it was a gorgeous day, I plopped down on a bench in St. Helen's Square and munched to the accompaniment of a band busking for the tourist dollar. The abundance of street entertainers-most quite good-gives York a festive atmosphere, and it is easy to forget that it's a real city and not some theme park version of Merry Olde England.
One of the more famous shopping streets is the Shambles. This was once the butchers' quarter, and the name comes from the benches, called 'shammels,' on which the meat was displayed. The Shambles is so narrow that two people could shake hands by reaching across the street from third-floor windows.
After a day of standing and walking, I decided to make it an early night. The following morning, I stuffed myself with the full English breakfast, which included cereal, toast, eggs, sausage and tomatoes. I'd been eating like this for five mornings, and I just couldn't take it anymore. So I requested a lighter breakfast of cereal and toast for the remainder of my stay.
My table companions made the morning meal a strange and not altogether pleasant experience. The tables in the breakfast room sat four, and a party of five had to be divided up, with my table getting the overflow. The party consisted of two women (one fortyish and one sixtyish) and three teenage girls. At Sunday breakfast, I greeted the two girls sharing my table with, "Good morning." An inoffensive, generic greeting-or so I thought. The young ladies cringed and fretted as if I'd spouted a filthy stream of expletives.
The following morning, the girls sat at one table, and the older women joined me at mine. Again I tried the generic greeting, which was met by nervous silence from Fortyish and Sixtyish. Okay, I give up. I am not what you would call an outgoing person, and I had no intention of insinuating myself into their group. But since when do the words "Good morning" cause such distress? I came to the conclusion that it must be a cultural thing. These people were obviously English, but beyond that I couldn't say.
Since I couldn't help but hear the conversation between the two women, I was forced to listen to petty complaints about the food, such as Fortyish stating, "I don't really care for tomahtoes served in this fashion. Now, if it were a proper tomahto that would be different." This left me pondering over what exactly constitutes a 'proper tomahto.' Sixtyish contributed this disturbing observation: "I don't think these are Kellogg's corn flakes, do you?" What a way to start the day.
On a full stomach, I set out for the Museum Gardens bus stop. The blue, open-top bus was there, ready to leave for the York City Tour. Many British cities offer this same deal. For about $6 you can take the tour, and you can also hop on and off any time, at any stop, throughout the day.
On this first tour of the day, I seemed to be the only passenger. I told the guide I could come back later, but he said he'd have to do the whole spiel even with an empty bus. Thus began my private tour of York. The tour is a good way to get an overview of the city as well as an opportunity to see all four bars at one go.
There's Bootham Bar on the north road and Micklegate Bar, the traditional monarch's entrance, on the south road. Monk Bar, with its working portcullis, is the tallest of the bars, and squatty Walmgate Bar has an Elizabethan house built on the inside walls.
The origins of the architectural treasures seen from the bus include Roman, Viking, Norman, Medieval and Georgian, sometimes layered and interwoven in patterns that sneak by the casual observer.
The original wall around the city was built by the Romans in the 1st century, but the current walls date from the 13th century. The walls themselves have become a popular tourist trail, and the two-and-a-half mile walk can be an alternative to the bus tour as an orientation. However, you'd miss the stories the rambling tour guide dispenses, such as the one about Dick Turpin, the horse thief who was hanged on the site that is now the race course.
And there are many ghost stories connected with York. In fact, York is known as the most haunted city in Europe. That must be why there are three different ghost tours traipsing about after dark. The oldest and most popular of these is the Original Ghost Walk of York, which is advertised as being accurate, authentic and gimmickless.
I finished the bus tour and rode back around to the York Castle Museum. The castle no longer stands, but the area has several points of interest. The museum is devoted to everyday life in York through the centuries. My favorite feature was an authentic reproduction of two York streets, Victorian Kirkgate and Edwardian Half Moon Court. Shop windows evoked the past with displays of period trinkets and toys, and a horse and carriage stood motionless on the cobblestone street.
Nearby Clifford's Tower was the keep of York Castle. On this site in 1190, five hundred Jews sought refuge, from an attacking mob, in a wooden tower. Sadly, the tower was burned, and lives were lost. The present tower was built in the 13th century and named for Roger de Clifford, a Lancastrian leader, who was executed and hung in chains from the tower.
Museums abound in York, among them the Jorvik Viking Centre, built on the site of the excavation of a Viking street, the Yorkshire Museum of archaeological artifacts, and the National Railway Museum covering two hundred years of railway history.
The Museum Gardens, adjacent to the Yorkshire Museum, turned out to be one of my special favorites. Inhabited by countless examples of flora and several peacocks, this park flanking the River Ouse (pronounced ooze) is full of fascinating buildings and ruins. St. Mary's Abbey (dating from 1098), St. Leonard's Hospital and the partially Roman Multangular Tower are glorious remnants of the past. The Hospitium, an intact, half-timbered building, was once the abbey guest house.
During my visit, the Hospitium was hosting a craft fair. A mere 25 pence (about 40c) purchased a ticket that was redeemable for a cup of tea. The building wasn't usually open to the public, so I took advantage of the opportunity to go in and look around. I bought Yorkshire-made socks, sachets, a brass ornament, two matted photographs of English country scenes and some of the best chocolates I've ever tasted. And of course I had my cup of tea. My foray to the Stonegate shops hadn't been nearly as successful.
The 25p cup of tea had been small, and I thirsted for more. Back into the Snickleways and thoroughfares I headed, in quest of afternoon tea. The shop I found served scones along with the unofficial national beverage, and I consumed until sated.
I spent the rest of the day backtracking over attractions I'd missed and pausing once again to enjoy the street performers. After a leisurely dinner, I went back to my room to watch TV and found that a strange version of Dracula (not as strange as Francis Ford Coppola's) was on. This was an odd coincidence, since I'd hoped to take a bus to Whitby, on the Yorkshire coast, the following day. In Bram Stoker's original novel, Lucy becomes the vampire's victim at Whitby Abbey, and there is a self-guided Dracula tour of the town.
On Monday morning, I decided that the Whitby excursion was not to be. It had rained enthusiastically through the night and was still drizzling during breakfast. Fortyish, Sixtyish and the three graces were late coming to their respective tables, and, fortunately, I was leaving as they were getting to the daily food critique.
I had passed York Minster about a dozen times over the weekend but still hadn't been inside, so it was now or never. The Minster was built over a period of two hundred and fifty years and was completed in 1472. Among its many treasures are one hundred and twenty-eight stained-glass windows. The Great West Window includes a heart shape in the tracery and is known as the Heart of Yorkshire. The Great East Window is the size of a tennis court and is the largest area of stained glass contained in a single window.
For a small fee, you can tour the undercroft and climb the lantern tower (two hundred and seventy-five stairs) for a view of Yorkshire. In the Crypt, you can see Norman pillars from the original Minster and the Doom Stone which used to stand outside as a warning to sinners.
Many visitors to London experience York as a day trip, but with so much to see, the city deserves-almost demands-more than a few hours. You could spend the better part of a day in the Minster itself. A three-day weekend allows enough time to shop and see the sights with some left over for a leisurely stroll along the River Ouse.
Stinky the Clown
Editors' Note: Stinky the Clown mysteriously disappeared last month. In place of his usual advice column, we are running these excerpts from his private diary. Anyone with any information on Stinky or an explanation for his absence is asked to write us at:
Stinky the Clown
P.O. Box 71092
Richmond, VA 23255
Fax: 750-1046
E-mail: stinkyclown@aol.com
4/2-Is it just me, or is all TV in league with the devil? I think Bob Barker is the head of the whole conspiracy. For God's sake, man, dye your hair.
4/5-Another great day.
Fatima caught me making out with Sweezy the Clown behind the big top. My old friend Dumpy had tipped her off and had even accompanied her to make sure I was found. I was seeing pink elephants for hours after she smacked me on the noggin with that little parasol. It was quite a scene.
After a few blows from the parasol, I fell into a convenient mud puddle face-first. Then Sweezy, who until then had never heard of Fatima, began kicking the big red patch on my butt. That set off the little ink spritzer on my fake buttonhole flower, which was now turned towards my face because of the fall. Some of the ink must have gone down the wrong way because I started choking and coughing. Of course, Dumpy had an instamatic camera on him and whipped it out for a few quick photos (which everyone in the circus was to see before the night was done).
I didn't even bother to clean off. I just headed straight for the bars and said, "What are you looking at? Jack Daniel's and keep 'em coming." That's the tone you need to shut 'em up right away and give you the privacy for some real boozing.
4/6-Fatima refuses to answer my phone calls and has gotten phone block on her line so my number can't call through. Sweezy, in contrast, calls every ten minutes to tell me what a jerk I am. Of course, I have to answer the phone in case it's Fatima, so I'm forced to listen to this constant haranguing. Every fourth phone call is someone laughing and then making choking noises, which I swear to Bozo is Dumpy talking through some tube. Real ingenious. Tracing the call only shows that its some pay phone down the block. Life stinks.
4/7-Spent two hours in a dumpster squatting next to some stale milk and a rotting tuna fish sandwich in order to keep an eye on that pay phone. Finally gave up and went home. The first call I got, in a high pitched voice: "Ha-Ha ack-ack I'm choking, quit hitting me har har."
I will track that harlequin down and have him killed if it's the last performance this clown gives.
4/8-Clown suit came back from the cleaners with big, unremoveable ink stain.
Stinkymobile released a strange bluish-black puff of smoke and refused to start up.
Walked to the mall for a bite to eat and who did I run into arm and arm but those little lovebirds, Fatima and Dumpy. Dumpy was making little cooing noises to her, and she was laughing at his stupid jokes.
I had to steal change from the mall fountains to make bus fare. All the way home, the bus driver talked about how much he loved Bozo as a kid. I told him Bozo was a marketing scam that he bought into like the consumer drone that he is. Had to walk the last ten blocks home.
Got drunk on what was left in the cabinet and then called up Fatima. Phone off the hook. You know that stinking clown Dumpy was over there. Of course, it was too late for a bus and the Stinkymobile wouldn't turn over. So I grabbed my bat from that baseball skit we did a couple of months ago and flat-footed it over there.
Lo and behold, Mister Dumpy and that little trollop were sitting on the porch, rocking on the hammock that I helped build. I let out a little rebel yell and jumped the hedges, brandishing the bat, and swung towards Dumpy. Direct hit. He fell back, and I whipped him across the shins until he bent over. The coup de grace was me smacking him on the butt with a blow that would have made Babe Ruth envious. That put him on the ground, sniffing my big red shoes.
At that point, Fatima broke down and confessed she'd done it all to make me jealous and she never liked Dumpy anyway. I gave Dumpy a final smack on the head, poured what was left of my hip flask on him and dragged him out to the sidewalk.
The master's touch: I called the cops and told them some drunk had been outside yelling. A few minutes later, when they picked him up, he was stumbling around asking what had happened.
Good-bye, Mister Thorn-in-my-Side.
4/11-Turns out old Dumpy had to spend a couple of nights in the Pokey before the cops figured out he wasn't drunk. It was a major concussion that caused all the gibbering, it seems. That's the way the big top folds, clown.
Of course, Fatima gave me an alibi, swearing I was with her the whole night, minding my own business. In the meantime, I ripped through Dumpy's place and retrieved those photos of me, along with a few items to even things up. He doesn't need a CD player or a TV set anyway. On the way out, I unplugged his refrigerator, cut the air conditioner on high and ordered a bunch of commemorative Barry Manilow dinner plates from the Home Shopping Network on his credit cards. I used the same trick to pay for a big steak dinner for Fatima and me. Even smoked a big cigar at the end of the meal. Now we're styling.
That'll teach that little half-wit jester to cross me.
Stop the Presses!
The Wave Has Reached Richmond!
by Doug Childers
There isn't much to see in a ball park before the players start playing. So it's always a little surprising to see how many people show up early.
Sure, some kids show up an hour early to beg for autographs behind the dugout, and some general-admission ticket holders show up early to secure good seats. But that leaves a sizable majority of older, reserved-seat ticket holders who show up merely to sit and stare idly while the infield is watered and the players sprint back and forth in the outfield.
The near-continuous stream of information coming from the park's PA system doesn't justify the early arrivals; largely, the information seems to pass unnoticed. To a person, the majority of the earlies merely sit. Some chat quietly, some nibble contentedly on French fries and popcornxbut they are uniform in two ways: they are all early, and they are all idle.
Naturally, things get a little more complicated, once the game begins. But the crowd can still be classified by a handful of types. Normally, they behave just like you'd expect them to.
First, you have what might be called the socialite fans. Some of them come for the hot dogs and beer. Some come to chat with familiar neighbors. Others come as families and spend most of their time trying to maintain themselves as such. But they all share one common trait: they pay little or no attention to the game going on in front of them.
Next, you find what might be called the forgetful fans. They certainly pay more attention to the game than the socialites do, but they watch only the play before them and have no memory of past plays. This is a large group. You're doubtless familiar with their sort. They get most excited late in the game, when the stakes for each swing seem higher and the chances for catching up are correspondingly lower.
The forgetful fan dreams of those rare moments when the bases are loaded in the bottom of the ninth, with the home team down by three and the club's leading slugger swaggering into the batter's box with a few powerful practice swings.
The third group, which might be best described as fans with memories, marks a significant step toward actually studying the game. They are distinguished chiefly by the fact that they recognize a batter's return to the plate with a knowledge of his past effort. "Let's make some contact this time," they will shout, much to the bewilderment of the socialites and forgetfuls.
After the fans with memories, we step into the last and most rarefied group: the self-isolators, who come to the game with radios and Walkmen tuned to the local radio broadcasts of the game. They are significant chiefly because they openly acknowledge their inability to enjoy the game without an aid. There are few self-isolators in a stadium. They tend to be season-ticket holders, and most of them claim a wide turf at the top of the stadium.
Of course, rallies are great equalizers in a ball park. When the momentum shifts to favor the home team and the Budweiser board calls for noise, everyone is more than happy to oblige with whistling, clapping and foot-stomping.
But there are two things Richmonders don't do, as a rule. They don't chop, and they wave. The chop, of course, is that politically incorrect movement of the forearm that suggests a tomahawk is being swung. Until it became too controversial, it was done enthusiastically in Atlanta, the Richmond Braves' parent club. But it never really caught on in Richmond.
Nor did the wave, that rarefied moment when a baseball stadium becomes so unified in purpose that the entire audience stands and lifts its arms to cause a ripple effect from one side of the stadium to another. It's old hat for the rest of the world, but here in Richmond, the wave is a radical, dangerous force.
In the past, efforts at starting a Richmond wave have stalled with only a handful of socialites and forgetfuls lifting their arms and then quickly sitting down red-faced. Like bad singers in a timid chorus, they soon discover that without massive participation, the wave looks fairly foolish.
But that was before June rolled around this year. Not once, but twice, Richmonders got together a fairly good wave. The second effort even looped around the stadium, from right field to far left.
Since that second appearance, the wave hasn't returned to Richmond. But it's only a matter of time. Who knows-by the end of the season, as the earlies begin to drift in, barriers might fall down. The lamb may lie down with the lion, the self-isolators may find themselves falling into familiar conversations with the socialites, and the fans with memories may even put down their scorecards to practice the wave or even the chop.
Recognizing the Four Millionth Diamond Fan
When she became the four millionth fan to pass through the Diamond's ticket gate, Kathy Miles couldn't have been happier. Once she decided all the hoopla was for real, that is. For the first few seconds, she seemed more scared than anything else. Miles, a Chester resident who had driven into Richmond with her husband, daughter and a friend just to see the Braves play, says she was convinced she'd been caught doing something wrongxonly she couldn't figure out what, precisely.
"My heart's just pounding," she said, as Bruce Baldwin, the Braves' general manager, presented her with a Braves hat, an autographed bat and four box seat tickets to the night's game. She also received four box-seat season passes and a parking permit for the 1995 season. And as if that weren't enough, Baldwin then informed Miles that, if the Braves happened to hit a grand slam home run in the seventh inning, she would win $100,000.
Asked what she believed her chances of winning were, Miles beamed and replied, "I have faith in the Richmond Braves."
Unfortunately, the seventh inning went scoreless. But it wasn't without drama. As luck would have it, the Braves' half of the inning started at the start of their lineup. Brian Kowitz singledxthe crowd went wildxEd Giovanola sacrifice-bunted, advancing Kowitz to secondxthe crowd went wildxTroy Hughes hit a grounder to left and beat the throwxthe crowd went wildxand then Luis Lopez, with a .322 batting average, came to the platexthe crowd went wildxif Lopez simply drew a walk, Jose Oliva, the International League's home run leader, would swing for the fencesxbut, sadly for Miles, Lopez hit into a double play to end the inning. And the crowd let out a collective sigh.
As consolation, Miles was given $1,000. When asked what she planned on doing with the money, she said, "I told my husband I'd take him out to dinner."
-D.C.
Maintaining the Indian
From a distance, the Diamond's giant Indian mascot seems frozen in mid-stride. With one elbow poised over the concession stand and the other flexed in front of him to bear his weight, he appears to be in the process of raising himself up high enough to swing first one buckskin-clad leg and then the other over the wall behind which he crouches. What, exactly, he'd do once he reached the sidewalk is unclear. In the right light, he can look both sly and stolid, and peering up at him from the ticket gates, one must wonder whether he is himself certain of his next step.
It's a good image for a baseball park, I suppose. Slow yet suggesting coiled speed and strength, he's an enigma to the idle glance and a subtle threat to those who believe they are about to watch a mere game.
Four times a year, two men set an old ladder up against the concession stand and carry a pressure washer up to clean the giant Indian. Up close, he loses a little of his subtle threat. What from a distance looks like one coiled figure is, in fact, a series of separate sections of molded plastic bolted together along their seams. The face and neck are one piece, but the back, chest and shoulders are separate. Mid-biceps, a new section appears on each arm. And the hair, whose various strands appear more dynamic at arm's length, is itself a separate section bolted to the forehead.
But no matter how disappointed one feels at the sight of the regularly spaced bolts or the little strips of wood slipped under one side of the base to make it meet the floor flush, the Indian's size endures. Three-foot-long fingers, an eight-foot-high face and seven-inch-wide nostrils are nothing to sneeze at. Just clambering over him from one side to the other is a task.
Coming from behind him and seeking to confront him eye to eye, one must either slither under his left arm or scramble precariously over its various ripples of molded muscle. To the uninitiated, neither option appeals. To the two men who have climbed the ladder to clean the Indian, though, navigating their way around-and over-him seems second nature.
Except on a day like today, when the wind is so strong the men have to forgo the pressure washer in favor of brushes with long sticks. "With the pressure that machine gives out," says Jerry McCray, "it'd be a little risky." His partner, Joseph Green, nods in agreement as the wind blows frothy soap bubbles off the Indian's hair.
In forty minutes, they are done. If the wind hadn't prohibited it, the pressure washer could have let them finish earlier. As it is, the wind dries the molded plastic before the men have pulled the ladder down.
From the parking lot, the Indian seems largely unchanged. A shade darker, perhaps, now that he's lost a few months' worth of pollen and dust. But he still menaces, and by the time I reach my car, I have forgotten about the bolts and the strips of wood altogether, and remember only what it was like to scramble over something that, even inches from our faces, seemed ready to lift itself up and shake us loose as if we were nothing more than idle flies.
-D.C.
The Amateur Athlete
by Wirt Shinault
Racing. It's not just for the fast. As a matter of fact, in most areas, there are more of us average middle-of-the-pack gang than there are speed demons.
Racing lets us know how our training is going and it keeps us hungry.
Entering a race for a training check is the best motivation for increasing your goals. You want to have a plan. Search out a race that appeals to you, with a date that will allow you to get in the training you think you will need to obtain your new goal. Use common sense and don't pick a race that takes place a week after your vacation. Otherwise, you'll spend your vacation feeling guilty about the training you're missing, and then you'll end up with discouraging results.
Choose races that fit the distance and terrain you prefer. Try to practice under the same conditions, such as time of day and the weather in which you expect to compete. If you are training for a race in August, don't cheat yourself and train only on cool mornings. Train in the heat.
At times, I find myself needing an extra reason to work past a lull in my training. It could be something as minor as the dog days of summer. In these cases, I find entering a race can give my training new purpose and enjoyment. And when you train for fun, with no anticipated outcome, it can lead to unexpected results.
Prior to race day, review the course, if possible. Try to look at the course at the same time of day the race will take place. Decide what part of the course will be your strength and notice everything: pavement type, shade, hills, wind (and its effects on which strategy you will use), waves and currents. Think of it all for your particular race.
Racing is for showing us how much we have left to learn, and where we can improve. Use it as a building block for training and knowledge.
Remember: You have already beaten the rat race. Relax.
The Grisham Phenomenon
When Will It Stop?
It is one of the 20th century's great mysteries that John Grisham, a one-time lawyer turned novelist, has sold more books than anybody else in the history of the planet. There is nothing particularly wrong with any of Grisham's five novels, but then again, there's nothing all that special about them either.
Why, exactly, did fate choose this mediocre writer of page-turners to outsell Shakespeare, Tolstoy and Hemingway? Are more people reading more books than ever before? Is the endless population growth finally affecting book sales? Is everyone suddenly monolithic in their book-purchasing patterns?
Grisham has done more than anybody else to make lawyers the prototypical protagonists of the '90s, but his books aren't alone on the bestseller lists. They're riding the fame waves with self-help and UFO abduction books, and the common thread that draws them all together remains obscure.
Having Tom Cruise and Julia Roberts star in Hollywood adaptations of Grisham's novels hasn't hurt sales, but againxwhy Grisham? Why not Tom Clancy or Danielle Steele? They've certainly had their fill of TV / movie packages. Does Grisham deserve to be the bestselling novelist of all time?
Let's hope it's an anomaly. Grisham isn't strong enough to represent the late 20th century to future readers. Doubtless, someone equally undeserving will best his showing next year or the year after that, when the public's interest shifts to murder mysteries solved by fly fishermen, say, or action novels written by Catholic priests.
Should we be reassured by the idea that mediocrity never rests but pushes ever onward in search of new, undeserving kings? Is it better to think that Grisham will be replaced by yet another undeserving millionaire, and another and another and another?
There are certainly more deserving writers working in this country today. Don DeLillo, Thomas Pynchon, Nicholas Bakerxbut don't expect to see their names mentioned as candidates for the crown.
In the meantime, half the country's going to lug Grisham's fifth and newest novel to the beach and make the guy a little more famous and, if possible, a little richer.
As always with Grisham's novels, The Chamber isn't entirely inept. Worse writers have achieved fame. The Chamber's most obvious feature is this: like all of Grisham's books, it is merely competent. But this time, achieving even that seems like a struggle.
The novel opens promisingly enough, with an explosion that goes awry. The two Ku Klux Klansmen who set the bomb meant merely for it to destroy the law office in the middle of the night. Instead, the bomb explodes the next morning, minutes after "the radical Jew lawyer" and his twin sons have entered the building. The lawyer survives; his sons do not.
Twenty-three years pass, and one of the two men is about to be executed for the crime. The other man remains at large, his role in the bombing not even known by law enforcement.
Then, with the grace of a drunken bull dog, Grisham throws us the novel's biggest surprise. A young lawyer nine months into his first job out of law school steps forward and volunteers to defend the convicted terrorist. He is, we soon learn, the terrorist's long-lost grandson. (The collective gasp of several hundred thousand readers stumbling onto that fact this summer will doubtless cause tidal abnormalities.)
Naturally, there's more to the 486-page novel than just that one awkward surprise. We also get to see the young lawyer earn his wing tips under the guidance of an elderly, big-hearted lawyer. But don't expect literary gems to fly from either lawyer's mouth. One would have to go back to Yoda and Luke Skywalker to find a clumsier master / student combination.
A careful reading of The Chamber suggests Grisham may be on the verge of producing truly incompetent material. Maybe not the next bestsellerxbut the one after that could be a real clunker.
I suggest we cut short his reign and actively seek his replacement now, before matters get worse. Perhaps this time out, we could find someone with better dust jackets. Something with a bare-chested and gloriously illiterate he-man rising stallionlike from an inexplicable crouch on a sandy beach.
Perhaps we could dispense with the author altogether, and make Fabio the intellectual spokesman for our times.
-Charlie Onion
Shot in the Heart
In January of 1977, Gary Gilmore was executed by the state of Utah. He was the first person to be put to death in the United States in more than a decade (the Supreme Court had recently overturned its ban on capital punishment), and his sentence and subsequent execution made headlines around the world for weeks.
His brother Mikal has now written a powerful, troubling book about his family history, and the violence-physical and emotional-that ruined all their lives and probably helped to land Gary Gilmore in front of a firing squad. Shot in the Heart (Doubleday, $24.95) offers an obscene twist on the theme of traditional values, as it chronicles the story of a family bent on destroying itself. The murders for which Gary Gilmore was executed were just the ultimate expression of the senselessness of his whole life, and that of his brothers and parents.
Although Gilmore includes stories of his mother's fanatical, and often violent, Mormon ancestors, it isn't necessary to reach back a century to find the real villains of the piece, Gilmore's parents. "In a better world," he writes, "my parents would not havexmarried and had a family. In a better world, I would never have been born."
It's hard to disagree with that assessment. The Gilmores were, in their way, the model family currently so admired by social conservatives: tight-knit, rather insular and ruled by the expectation that every member has an overriding obligation to the family unit. Unfortunately, any love that existed in their home-and Gilmore insists it did-was invariably poisoned by anger, fear, secrecy and cruelty. His father practiced a harsh, sadistic discipline, beating his sons mercilessly on the slightest pretext. His mother was emotionally unstable, unwillingly cast in the role of protector to children she never wanted and didn't know how to love.
The tension between these two erupted regularly into shouting matches and fist fights, and they did not hesitate to use their sons as weapons against each other.
There were four sons altogether, two of whom became criminals. Mikal was the youngest by several years, and his upbringing was somewhat less traumatic physically than that of the others. He writes:
Had I been beaten as much as they were-in particular, as much as Gary, whose pain and fear only seemed to gain him especially savage thrashings-there's a good chance that I also would have ended up as a man who spent his whole life preparing to pull a trigger. When I think of what my brothers went throughxthe only thing that surprises me is that they didn't kill someone when they were still children.
In the end, Gary Gilmore did indeed kill-twice.
Necessarily, Gary's story is a major portion of his brother's book; without Gary, the Gilmores are just one more dysfunctional family, albeit an extreme example. With him-with his crimes and his execution-their story becomes one of domestic evil spilling over into the outside world, with tragic consequences. Even if you don't accept the premise that his criminal career was a direct outcome of his brutal childhood, Gary Gilmore's life and death make for compelling reading.
The book's most affecting chapters deal with Mikal's attempts to persuade his brother to fight his execution, and his threats to intervene legally on his behalf. He was morally opposed to capital punishment, and he had no wish to share in the increased notoriety his brother's execution would inevitably entail.
But Gary had spent nearly twenty-two of his thirty-six years in reform school and jail, and he had no interest in spending the rest of his life incarcerated. He wanted to die, and he wanted the state to end his life. In fact, Gilmore believes that his brother murdered solely to bring about his own violent end. He quotes his brother Frank: "He had found the perfect way to beat the system by having them kill him. Then he's out of it. In his way of thinking, I'm convinced he believed he had won."
If Gary won, he's the only member of the family who did. Another brother, Gaylen, died in the sixties from wounds he received in a stabbing. Frank, the oldest, ended up living with his widowed mother until her death, putting aside the desire for a family of his own. And of himself, Gilmore writes, "I may have spent years telling everybody I wanted a family, [but] I never made the right choices that could have made that dream real. It's as if what had happened in our family was so awful that it had to end with us."
There is little or no redemption to be found in Shot in the Heart. There's no woman waiting for Gilmore in the last chapter, whose love will conquer his melancholy. There are no declarations of victory over his troubled life, no healing revelations, no happy ending. For Gilmore, the book turns out to be little more than an exorcism that doesn't quite take-the ghosts of the past will obviously continue to haunt him forever.
Doubtless, some people will find that depressing, even pointless, which is always a risk when reading non-fiction. Sometimes, real life is pointless. Readers who require books to be reassuring and uplifting no matter what are advised to skip this one and treat themselves to Dan Quayle's new autobiography instead.
Those who are less put off by reality in all its potential harshness and complexity will find Shot in the Heart a poignant and gripping memoir.
-Ray Powell
Voodoo Economics
The Rolling Stones Get Some $atisfaction
As the light of that August summer sky begins to fade into blackness, the Rolling Stones will stand backstage, ready to kick off the opening date of The Voodoo Lounge tour and introduce its namesake album. They won't await any signal. At this point in their careers, they decide when the show starts. Nothing-and nobody-will hurry them. Not their entourage of bodyguards or the best backup musicians money can buy. Or 50,000 fanatical fans impatiently awaiting the group's return to touring after five years.
Mick Jagger, running in place to get juiced up for the marathon concert performance, will make the call, timing his arrival for maximum effect. By the time he hits the stage, he will have been in training for months, jogging alternately forwards and backwards to get in shape. While Jagger warms up, Keith Richards will be quietly chain-smoking Marlboros. After touring thirty years, he's seen them come and he's seen them go, and he has little doubt that no one in his lifetime, or possibly ever, will surmount his group's title of "the world's greatest rock and roll band."
On his side of the room, Charlie Watts will just begin experiencing that extraordinarily divisive feeling that, as much as he likes playing the drums, he wishes he were home with his wife. (At home, unfortunately, he has the reverse feeling.) Ron Wood, wide-eyed after all these years, provides the band's cohesion and will eagerly await the chance to showcase his guitar talents. He still gives the impression that he not only loves performing but is thankful to be a part of the band, any band, doing what he likes best.
And what of Bill Wyman, the group's long-touring bass player? Well, to put it simply, he quit. And if I were him, I'd be sitting at home realizing I'd just passed up the chance to make an unbelievably large sum of money in an incredibly short period of time.
You see, short of finding a patented, easily marketable process for curing cancer or inventing a gold-making machine, there isn't anything these four guys could do under that seasonal sky to make more cash.
Put aside your notions of energetic but idealistic musicians being used by record companies, or even your more contemporary view of a shallow, money-grubbing retro band out for a quick buck. None of those visions comes close. The Rolling Stones are Rolling Stones INC. For sheer, endless, revenue-producing power, they left every other band in the dust long ago, with demographics ranging from newly turned-on kids to retirement-age rockers. And they don't just do it in America. At a minimum, the Voodoo Lounge tour will see Canada, the Far East, Mexico, South America and Europe. Unfortunately, there aren't many more industrialized societies on the planet with the economic base necessary to support the tour-or, like Coca-Cola, they'd be there too.
So how much money are we talking about here?
The exact payments for the tour won't be available until they finish, of course. The Stones have an obsessive thirst for secrecy, brought on when they became tax exiles from England in 1971. English socialism was at its peak, and the tax rate for the Stones was an eye-popping 98% of their gross. Sailing for less oppressive waters, they became true international expatriates. As the bemused Richards puts it, "I am a resident of nowhere." It's the ultimate tax dodge, and it works. (Charlie Watts eventually moved back after Margaret Thatcher came into power and much of the tax burden rolled back.)
Despite all the secrecy, though, a hard look at the Stones' last album (Steel Wheels) produces some relatively solid numbers on their cash flow. Jagger, a dropout from the London School of Economics, cuts the band's deals, in conjunction with his financial adviser, Prince Rupert Loewenstein of Liechtenstein, and attorneys John Branca and Richard Leher. During the Steel Wheels contract negotiation, Jagger stunned CBS record chiefs by figuring out the French royalty to their albums, doing the currency conversion, and taking off the VAT tax all in his head.
For The Voodoo Lounge release, Jagger and Co. penned an estimated $44 million contract with the Virgin Music Group. After the deal was done, they took Virgin chairman Richard Branson out to London's Mosimann's Night Club, partied until the early morning hours and left Branson with a massive hangover.
Here are a few details from the Virgin deal.
Part of Virgin's contract involved an immediate $10 million advance, plus an $8 million advance for each new album, with a twenty-five percent royalty on each copy sold. Virgin is hoping to use some of the Stones' music in their expanding software division, CD-Videos and software games. But Virgin only owns the rights to the audio. The Stones, unbelievably enough, retain the rights to all their videos and movies-past, present and future.
If you're thinking that Virgin got ripped, think again. Even on non-touring years, Stones albums sell over one million copies annually, providing the Stones with an easy $3 million a year for no work. Look for a boxed-set retrospective from Virgin, an easy money maker. Oh, and don't forget, the Stones get about five cents each time a song of theirs is played on the radio, and with the tour, they'll get plenty of airplay.
So with all this cash coming in, why bother to tour?
A quick look at the numbers from their Steel Wheels tour shows some deals that even the most jaded rocker couldn't pass on. For that tour, the Stones were guaranteed $70 million for showing up, plus a cut of the profits. But ticket prices were a flat $30 then. Now they're as high as $50, with a lot more play dates and expanded overseas touring. And remember: the Stones were the first group to sell T-shirts and related memorabilia at their shows with Visa and Mastercard. They push the merchandising hard. Granted, stadium owners and promoters get roughly a 40% cut. Even so, a $100 million take for the Stones for this tour would be a very conservative estimate.
With the Steel Wheels tour, they also got cuts from a retrospective tour TV show (domestic rights alone estimated at $6 million), the concert album (Flashpoint), and the critically acclaimed, $10 million IMAX concert movie, At the Max. The specially-filmed IMAX movies are ten times larger than standard 35-millimeter films (thus offering viewers six-story-high Stones) and also feature vastly improved high-fidelity sound. Ticket prices for this after tour remembrance? Fifteen dollars a seat. If you missed buying concert merchandise at the live show, it was also available at select IMAX theaters.
Anheuser-Busch added to the pot by paying $6 million to call Budweiser the tour's sponsor. This worked out to about $5 per North American ticket sold. Look for similar deals to be cut over the coming months.
It all adds up to the kind of cash that even America's top corporate chiefs can only dream of. Jagger's old English business school counterparts, secure in their London clubs, smoking the occasional cigar and ringing for dinner, probably wonder what happened to that odd, thick-lipped chap who dropped out of the University so many years ago.
Don't worry. He's doing fine.
The Rolling Stones' opening date for their "Voodoo Lounge" tour is August 1st at Washington's RFK stadium.
-Richard Harrington
The Internet
From Cold War to Global Village
You know you've stumbled onto something important when Congress tries to rename it.
A few months back, a Congressman decided the 'information superhighway,' the Shangri-La of the digital future, was due for a name change. His suggestion, the 'infobahn,' hasn't quite managed to replace 'information superhighway' in the popular imagination. But we should still take note: when the federal government gets interested in something, big (and expensive) things are bound to happen.
Actually, at least one section of that amorphous, digital creature of the future has been under Federal control for years. Indeed, the Internet itself is something of an Army brat.
Back in the early 1960s, when it seemed like one side of the world wanted to melt down the other, the ultraconservative RAND Corporation got the brilliant idea of making command-and-control computer systems less vulnerable by making their locations more diffuse. If information duplicated at two sites is less likely to be destroyed by nuclear assault, twelve or twenty-four should be even safer, right? But what if the sites needed to communicate with each other during and after the assault? We're not talking about hiding a few old bones here and there; we're talking about the ongoing effort to conduct and survive a nuclear war.
This raised one of the stickier questions about networking computers, and the RAND Corporation's solution has had a lasting effect on the Net. After some brainstorming, Rand decided that the command-and-control network should have no central authority, since such centrality would work against the diffusion principle. So all sites or 'nodes' on the network were co-equal. They each could create and send original messages, as well as relaying messages from one node to another. A message reaching a destroyed node would simply be bounced to the next node that still functioned. And, following the diffusion principle, the message would be divided up and sent out in small, individually addressed packets, to insure greater likelihood of safe passage. In this way, the network would be capable of working in less than perfect conditions.
Ironically, by creating a system that maintained control in the middle of chaos, the Rand Corporation laid down the groundwork for the system that many experts say is the world's one truly anarchical organization.
The military is as obsessed with names as Congress is, but it takes pleasure in obscure acronyms rather than catchy phrases. So when the Department of Defense built a RAND-inspired defense network in 1969, they dubbed it ARPANET, after the giant Pentagon agency that funded its creation (ARPA, Advanced Research Projects Agency).
Strangely enough, ARPANET's users found the network was a handy way to send personal as well as official messages. Soon, as the number of nodes grew from four in 1969 to fifteen in 1972, an extensive e-mail subculture emerged. Shortly thereafter, the first 'mailing lists' appeared. (In a mailing list, a single piece of e-mail can be sent simultaneously to several users on the network.) The first mailing list's subject, as all sci-fi fans will gladly tell you, was 'sci-fi lovers.'
By the time the military side of ARPANET broke off in 1983 to become MILNET, the number of nodes and casual users had grown so dramatically that the notion of a global, decentralized network slipped from the federal government's control. The very principles upon which the Internet was founded-decentralization, the independence of each node and the ease of adding new nodes-were central to its going public.
ARPANET received federal funding until 1989, by which time both the Cold War and computers had changed dramatically. The Berlin Wall came down, the Soviet Union was limping to the guillotine and tens of thousands of personal computers were linking themselves into the nodes spawned from ARPANET. Five years later, 'Internet' and 'cyberspace' are all the rage. Currently, the Internet boasts twenty-two million users worldwide, with twelve million computers continuously logged onto the Net. And every thirty seconds, someone logs on for the first time.
But what, exactly, does Internet offer the average user?
Well, first of all, there are the three things spawned from ARPANET: e-mail, mailing lists and access to remote computers. Thus, on the Net, you can e-mail a friend, join a mailing list on just about any subject, or download files from Dartmouth, Cornell or several other universities, libraries and various organizations from around the world.
You can also join 'newsgroups.' (Though technically not a part of the Internet itself, they are a part of the broader Net that includes the Internet.) Many casual users consider the newsgroups to be the heart of the Net. They are almost certainly its most addictive resource.
In all, there are as many as 10,000 newsgroups, although the exact number a service will offer varies from 2,500 up (most users in the U.S. wouldn't be interested in a Botswana newsgroup, and some Russian newsgroups are in Cyrillic). Topics range far and wide, from Amiga computers to a cappella vocal groups to Bigfoot.
It is probably not a good indicator of the newsgroups' breadth that a group on 'foot fetishes' exists. That sort of thing should pop up like spring mushrooms, given the anonymity of the Net. People are remarkably candid in cyberspace, and it's no surprise that copious newsgroups exist to make their secrets public. What is impressive, though, is the fact that a newsgroup is dedicated entirely to pancakes. A system has reached a highly sophisticated state of replicating our society when it offers a newsgroup on pancakes. And it is precisely this replica quality that makes the newsgroups so appealing to armchair anthropologists and sociologists.
It's not clear that the newsgroups are, in fact, the Net's best feature. They are, however, a remarkable place for eavesdropping. And once you get bold enough to post your own messages, you'll never stopxand you'll probably be amazed at your candor.
It is difficult to imagine where the information superhighway will stop, or how its use will change our society. Almost certainly, the Net will redefine many crucial aspects of the world at large. When you can sit at your desk and chat with a teenaged Serb or a South African who has just cast a vote for the first time in his life, your perceived place in the world is bound to change.
Who would have thought, thirty years ago, when the Net was just a gleam in a Cold Warrior's eye, that the Net would ultimately become a place where the boundaries of the world would get a little less important, and its interaction a little friendlier?
-Woody Arbunkle
BBS Listings
Unless otherwise stated, all BBSs are assumed to be in the 804 area code, open 7 days a week, 24 hours a day (except for maintenance), have file areas, E-mail, message boards and support Z-modem downloads. WAG and riverrun enterprises are not responsible for errors and are not affiliated with any listed service.
Access! BBS-233-8506 (14.4k), 5,000 IBM files on CD-ROM; 20,000 item database on computer pricing; support board for customers. Ken Sikora, SYSOP.
Airwaves-794-6910 (14.4k), IBM files with 585 megs, CD-ROM, GAMES, ANSI/RIP. Mike Andrews, SYSOP. VOCS/GIFS/Ani-mation.
Binary Illusion-379-9604 (14.4k), IBM files with CD-ROM, ANSI, GAMES. Peter Martin, SYSOP. Updated weather reports. E-mail to InterNet, America Online, Compu-Serve, GEnie, and Delphi. Local & VirtualNET Forums.
Blue Ridge Express-790-1675 (2400), 790-9600 (14.4k), IBM & MAC files with 4 gigabytes+, ANSI. Webb B Blackman, Jr., SYSOP. One of the East Coast's largest BBS's, with 36 nodes and many sub-boards.
Boot Factory-262-9289 (21.6k), IBM files with CD-ROM, ANSI. Cabell Clarke, SYSOP. On-line
fishing simulator.
Chatter Box Lounge-741-9991 (14.4k), IBM files with CD-ROM, ANSI, GAMES. Grim Reaper,
SYSOP. VirtualNET, LocalNet.
Comet-288-7846 (Main) 282-9035 (14.4k), IBM files with CD-ROM, ANSI, GAMES, Auto Validation. Hacker Tracker / DarkComet, SYSOP. Comet has moved to a new number and updated their software to Major BBS & MajorDatabase. Play Tradewars 2002!
Communication Systems-285-7231 (14.4k), IBM files with 700 megs and a rotating CD-ROM collection, ANSI/ANSI Music/RIP. David Harding, SYSOP. RIME worldwide conferences.
Cracked Windows BBS-732-1189 (14.4k), IBM files with 200 megs. ANSI/RIP. Raver X, SYSOP. Specializing in Windows & OS/2 shareware, software cracks, unprotects, cheats, and hints. Download on your first call!
CyberSpace-755-7293 (14.4k), IBM files, ANSI, GAMES. Cyber, SYSOP.
Falcon's Crest-737-1625 (14.4k), IBM files with a rotating CD-ROM collection. Over 20,000 files, free board with 2 nodes. ANSI/RIP. Paige & Rob McGhee, SYSOPS. Fidonet, Voyagernet, Tnet, Adanet, BINnet (birds). Featuring the only conference available on "Adopting Greyhounds."
Freeboard-744-0744 (14.4k), IBM files with 440 megs. Bill Hunter, SYSOP. DTP, graphics, WIN3, Clip art.
G.A.S.O'line (Graphics & Sound On Line) -743-1377 (2400), 275-9184 (14.4k), IBM, MAC, & AMIGA files with 300 megs and CD-ROM, Auto-validation, GAMES, ANSI. Ron Beck, SYSOP, Stimpy, CO-SYSOP. 7 nodes, lots of GIF's and MOD's, Apogee, Epic, Flash, Fazuul, Infinity Complex.
Gates of Euphoria-745-817(14.4k),745-2594(16.8k), 2.6 Gigabytes of IBM files with 4 CD-ROMs on-line, 2 off-line, ANSI, GAMES. Jay Swain, SYSOP. Updated weather, Chat, The Pit, Tradewars 2002.
G.R.A.S.P. (Greater Richmond Atari Support Program)-744-8022 (14.4k), ATARI, IBM & MAC files with 120 megs. ANSI, ST Mono/Color VT52. Micky Angell, SYSOP. Extensive ATARI files and ATARI support/discussion.
Grand Slam-360-5899 (14.4k), IBM files with 2 CD-ROM's, ANSI, GAMES. Jay Brown, SYSOP. White House press releases. Internet mail, White House mail.
Inland Whale Watch-323-4438 (14.4k), IBM files, GAMES. ANSI. Jim Normandin, SYSOP. SafNet, Fido, ADANet, Voyager, SantaNET.
James River Connection-288-2001 (14.4k), IBM files with 120 megs, CD-ROM, GAMES, ANSI/RIP. Charlie Higgins, SYSOP. Wildnet, MSI Supportnet.
Magnet Power-780-4419(14.4k), IBM & MAC files with CD-ROM, ANSI, GAMES. The Principal, SYSOP, "Largest MAC board in Richmond."
Many Titled Board (Formerly Vaporboard)-288-8630 (2400), IBM files, ANSI. Midnight Tree Bandit, SYSOP. WWIVLink, IceNET. Includes the DeadLink (dancing teddy bear stuff) sub-board (Hi, Ami!). "Home of the Deadtown Vapornet."
Metropolis-353-8821 (14.4k), IBM files with CD-ROM, ANSI/RIP, GAMES. Auto Validation. Luxa,
Supernaut, SYSOPS. "The Nicest BBS in Town!".
MindShatter BBS-378-9470 (14.4k), IBM files with 80 megs, ANSI, GAMES. Quaan Fleshharrower, SYSOP. "Lots of stupid users and a sysop with an attitude".
Modem Mania-745-8718 (16.8k), IBM files with 330 megs, GAMES, ANSI. Mike Holzbach, SYSOP. "The On-line Addiction".
Music BBS-739-7289 (14.4k), IBM files with 40 megs, GAMES, ANSI/RIP. Graham Lacy, SYSOP. Run by a 13 year old. RichmondNET.
O-zone-550-9348 (2400) 550-9347 (14.4K), IBM files with CD-ROM, ANSI, GAMES. The Great and Powerful OZ, SYSOP. These are new numbers for O-zone this month (effective June 3).
Pirate's Cove-Rest In Peace. Cyber road kill.
Pistonhead-262-4036 (V-Fast & 14.4k), IBM files with 6 rotating CD-ROMs, ANSI, Auto Validation. Larry Burton, SYSOP. Weather news. FidoNET.
Radiation Poisoning-794-0752(14.4k), IBM & MAC files with CD-ROM, ANSI, GAMES. Beavis, SYSOP. Includes the "Science According to Beavis & Butthead" sub-board. Updated weather reports.
Raintree-740-2413 (28.8k), IBM files with 765 megs and multiple CD-ROMs, GAMES, ANSI/RIP. Wendell B. Kenney Jr., SYSOP. CircuitNET mail, first Spitfire BBS in Richmond.
Servant of the Lord BBS-590-2161 (14.4k), IBM files with 2.9 gigabytes including 2 CD-ROMS. GAMES, On Line Legal Advisor, ANSI/RIP. Dr. Charles A. Wooten, SYSOP. 470+ file areas, religious plus latest shareware. Many Christian & Jewish conferences, magazines & newsletters. Full access on your first call. ChristNet, Christian NET, NewLife Christian NET.
SBA Online (Small Business Administration)-1-800-697-4636(9600), 1-800-859-4636 (2400), also accessible through FedWorld. IBM files (about 300+ new a month). "Free" (your tax dollars pay for it) board with SBA information and services. Large business conference areas. Say hello to Ron Brown.
Spectral's Kingdom-794-2847 (9600), IBM files with 255 megs, GAMES, ANSI. Spectral, SYSOP, Music Man, CO-SYSOP. Home of the SK-team, large sound file area.
StarTek (PhishNet)-530-1540 (14.4k), IBM files with CD-ROM, GAMES, ANSI. Dr. Shoe, SYSOP. After DarkNET, MovieNET.
Underworld-750-1142 (14.4k), IBM files with CD-ROMs. Slade, SYSOP. Underworld is a beta test sight for Excalibur BBS software (as of this writing in v.65). To call this BBS you must have matching special software (commonly available on local boards as excal*.zip or call the Excalibur HQ BBS (918) 496-8113 for current version) and be running Microsoft Windows. Excalibur supports high resolution graphics, simultaneous upload/download/main board access, concurrent graphic downloading/ viewing and graphic preview snapshots
United Zones of Twilight-804-743-4872 (14.4k), IBM files with 400 megs, GAMES. No Download ratios and a Sysop that is around 24 hrs a day to help!!
Valhalla-560-0701 (16.8k), IBM files with 480 megs, multiple CD-ROMs, GAMES, ANSI. C.G. Learn, Jr., SYSOP. FidoNet, SafNet-"Where the fun begins."
Windows Express-745-3743 (9600), Exclusively Windows files with 504 megs.ANSI/RIP, PowerCOMM. Robert Reese, SYSOP. Runs PowerBBS. FidoNET, InterNET.
Whistlestop West-784-7014(14.4k).No Files/Transfers, ANSI. Message sub-boards, GAMES. Doc, the Stationmaster, SYSOP. Features the "The Malt Shoppe...ice cream and insight!" sub-board. "Please watch your step when boarding the train."
Astrological Forecast
ARIES - March 21-April 20
The presence of Venus in your fifth house of amour bodes well for affairs of the heart. Make the most of romantic opportunities before the 11th, when the planet of love will be moving on. This promises to be a busy summer for Ariens, with short trips, correspondences and neighborhood activities all likely to be on your agenda.
TAURUS - April 21-May 21
Early in the month, you should be feeling motivated to go for the brass ring. Even as you take time out for a short summer vacation, your thoughts are never far from your bank account, and you'll be full of ideas as to how to make those dollars multiply. After the 11th, try to steal some time for a romantic interlude.
GEMINI - May 22-June 21
While others are feeling drained in the summer heat and humidity, you're full of energy and vitality. You might feel healthier than you have in a long while, but there is a tendency toward overindulgence which should be curtailed. Financial rewards are in the forecast, if you've been working hard. If not, it might be because your heart's not in it.
CANCER - June 22-July 23
If your thought processes have seemed jumbled and short-circuited, you'll be relieved to find your thinking cap in excellent working order this month. You should be able to express yourself articulately in your medium of choice and come out on top in any arena requiring a sharp mental edge. The Sun in your sign adds charisma as well.
LEO - July 24-August 23
You're not your usual out-going self now, but there's much happening behind the scenes and you're just not ready to share. After the 22nd, your star should shine in a big way, and you'll be making up for lost time. Everyone will be so glad to have you back that you could find yourself on a social merry-go-round.
VIRGO - August 24-September 23
Your July social calendar might begin to fill up early in the month, so you'd best pencil in any plans, as unforeseen events make changes likely. Just be flexible and go with the flow. New acquaintances should be sized up carefully before you get too chummy. Use the summer to put the finishing touches on any projects in progress.
LIBRA - September 24-October 23
If you've been waiting for the perfect time to ask for a raise, that time has come. Even if you don't get the raise, you're likely to receive some sort of recognition for a job well done. Education, travel and romance might overlap this month, resulting in some interesting postcards. Baring all could have embarrassing consequences, so use discretion.
SCORPIO - October 24-November 22
This month you are likely to be the foreign correspondent of the zodiac. Distant lands beckon to you, and even if you're unable to take the trip of a lifetime right now, you might be making plans for a future getaway. After the 22nd, the focus switches to your career goals, and it would be wise to tread carefully where a partner or associate is concerned.
SAGITTARIUS - November 23-December 21
You can blame Mars, the angry, red planet, for some tense moments in your marriage or partnership. Unfortunately, this situation continues throughout July and into August, but try to keep your cool and realize that this too shall pass. Late in the month, allow yourself some dreaming time. Chances are your mind will want to wander, so leave detail work for next month.
CAPRICORN - December 22-January 20
The spotlight this month is on relationships and joint funds, and it looks like many single Capricorn natives could be entering into the bonds of matrimony. If you're already spoken for, you might find yourself re-examining your relationship. The Full Moon in your sign on the 22nd could make you feel wild and crazy. Those who thought they knew you will be shocked.
AQUARIUS - January 21-February 19
You might be setting off some fireworks, with sexy Mars entering your fifth house of romance and fun on the 3rd. The bad news is that money will probably be tight for awhile, so look for free summer entertainment or make your own. Work presents challenges, but new techniques learned now should pay off in the future.
PISCES - February 20-March 20
A combination of planetary transits highlight activity involving friends, lovers and spouses. In some cases, one person might wear all three caps, but if not, beware the lover-spouse collision. Overall, July should be an enjoyable month with many opportunities to socialize and indulge in your favorite form of recreation. Make the most of your day in the sun.
Sweet and Sour
by troy booth
It's refreshing to see pop music moving back to guitar-oriented rock after languishing for so long in the synthetic doldrums of the dance music craze.
Three years ago, bands like Sugartooth wouldn't even have been able to get radio-play. Their debut album, How Sweet It Is, would have been designated as album rock and promptly cast into the outer darkness.
Nowadays, though, we get real musicians with loud guitars. All in all, it's something of a tarnished return to the golden era of The Stones and The Who. And that, when you consider it, isn't a bad thing.
How Sweet It Is opens with "Sold My Fortune," a metalfest that sets the tone for the rest of the album. It is dark rather than angry, driven rather than pained. Marc Hutner's steely vocals seek you out rather than concealing themselves behind a multitude of mirror images. The band's instrumentation is lucid and precise.
The second track, "Barrel," explodes out of the first with raw velocity. The guitars' lower octave range lends itself well to the foreboding mood, and Hutner's flanged vocals again add flavor.
"Tuesday Morning" continues the set with an exceptionally brooding tune that takes us one step deeper into the ride. The lyrics aren't particularly accessible to the listener, nor are they supposed to be. This is an experimental piece concocted, it seems, during an acid trip.
"In Need" finishes the best and most tolerable of the album's tracks without creating any bridge between the artists and the listener. But the lyrics are exceptional.
From there, the album descends into a grunge abyss.
There is a grand total of thirteen cuts on this album. Thirteen. Why a new band feels the need to saturate every square centimeter of their debut disc is beyond me. Maybe they figured they'd worked too hard for a record contract to let a micrometer of disc space go to waste. It's a hit and miss theory, with something for everyone.
That's great if you're Led Zeppelin and have something different to say in each and every song. But if you're some twenty-year-old punk with the vocal range of a smoke detector and a guitar range that flutters fitfully between "stoned" and "un-stoned," then I think it's time to reevaluate your career.
What are these guys trying to prove? That above all they're an uncompromising punk / alternative band?
O.K. I believe you. Do I still have to listen to these pretentious songs?
This is a talented band, to be sure. With a little more discretion and authorial control, their second album could be exceptional.
Reports from the Edge
by Greg Perry
To understand who the Illuminati are and what their purpose might be, it is necessary to go back to the beginnings of human civilization and work our way forward, examining various secret societies and traditions with which the Illuminati have been linked. Remember: one of the main charges levied against the Illuminati is that they are the controlling force behind other secret societies, such as the Masons, the Knights Templar and the Rosicrucians. By looking at the origins and philosophies of some of these other groups, it might be possible to ascertain what purpose the Illuminati serve.
This month, we'll examine the Masons.
Freemasonry has long been linked with the Illuminati Conspiracy. Some experts claim the two are so intricately linked that, for all intents and purposes, they're one and the same. Thus, when one says that the Illuminati rule the world, one might as well say that the Masons are behind everything that goes on.
For most people, that would be laughable, since the Masons are commonly perceived as a fancier version of the Elks or the Moose Lodge, with nifty little hats and clown cars that they drive in parades. At best, many might consider the Masons to be simply an "old boys network," a way for businessmen to make the right connections with the right people. It's doubtful that the average person would say that the Masons are the keepers of centuries-old occult knowledge, which, if known to the general population, would literally change civilization as we know it.
However, this happens to be the case.
The Freemason tradition began in the early medieval guilds of masons, who were responsible for the construction of Gothic cathedrals throughout Europe. These guilds provided benefits and self-help to members much in the manner of modern trade unions. To recognize their fellow guild members, Masons developed secret handshakes and marks. But the masonic guilds were much more than mere trade unions, for it is believed that, early in their history, they began perpetuating secret pagan knowledge derived from geometry. The Masons symbolically incorporated this knowledge into the architecture of the Christian cathedrals they built.
Masonic legend has it that geometry was taught before the Great Flood by a man named Lamech and his three sons. One of these sons, according to legend, discovered geometry. The second son was the first mason, and the third son was the first metal worker. Warned of the flood, they hid their knowledge in two stone pillars for the benefit of future generations. One of these pillars was discovered by a being known to the Greeks as Hermes and to the ancient Egyptians as Thoth. This discovery came to be known as the Emerald Tablet of Hermes.
The legends also say that masons were first organized during the time of the building of the Tower of Babel. Ancient Hebrew masons are supposed to have gained their knowledge of the Craft from the Babylonians and later passed it on to the Egyptians during the time of their enslavement. In Egypt, the teachings of the masons were influenced heavily by contact with ancient Egyptian Mystery religions and the occult traditions of the pyramid builders. This meshing of various pagan beliefs continued for centuries, as the philosophy which ultimately became known as Freemasonry slowly developed.
The cornerstone of the Masonic legend is the building of Solomon's Temple, for which Solomon imported numerous artisans and craftsmen. The king of Tyre was requested to send his master builder, Hiram Abiff, whose father was himself highly skilled in geometry. Hiram was named chief architect of the Temple, and his design undoubtedly incorporated features from his father's temples in Tyre, which were dedicated to the worship of the Goddess. Pillars at the entrance of Solomon's Temple, for example, were similar to phallic images at the entrances to Tyre's temples, and the inner sanctum or Holy of Holies in Solomon's Temple bore strong resemblance to the inner sanctums of Tyre's temples, which symbolized the womb of the Goddess from which all life springs. (At the time, worship of feminine fertility deities was still common, and there are some who believe that Solomon himself was a secret worshipper of the Goddess.)
According to legend, Hiram was killed by three disgruntled masons who wished to have Masonic knowledge divulged to them before they were ready. Again, the similarities to certain elements of the mystery religions are strong. A common feature of Goddess worship, for example, included the sacrifice of Her consort or a priest, a role not dissimilar to Hiram's, if he were secretly building a temple to her rather than to Solomon's deity. And the stories of Hiram's death and subsequent burial also resonate with the myths of Osiris, Dionysius and Adonis. In each case, the central themes revolve around death, rebirth and fertility.
The similarities aren't coincidental. Whether Egyptian, Hebrew, or Greek, the various secret societies of this era all perpetuated the same pantheistic belief in the unity between God and the universe, as well as the belief that the principles of sacred geometry best displayed this unity. Religious buildings were constructed using symmetry, measurement and proportion, and the block of stone, chiseled by the mason into a useful shape, became a symbol of mankind being developed by cosmic forces into a spiritual being.
The secrets of the masons were kept alive during the early centuries of the Common Era by such groups as the Roman College of Architects and the Order of Comacine Masters. Such groups, preserving both architectural techniques and esoteric knowledge of pagan religious beliefs, provided the link between the ancient builders of pagan temples and the masons who constructed the Gothic cathedrals in Europe. While Christianity began to dominate the civilized world, beliefs from an earlier time were being kept alive by those who were forced to adopt outward appearances acceptable to the Church.
With time, these pagan-based religious beliefs were carried over into the secular realm, and Masonic lodges were among the first groups actively to promote the ideas of equality and democracy in society. But the battle with the Church wasn't easily won. Indeed, the original Illuminati, begun by Adam Weishaupt (himself a Mason), drew considerable wrath from both religious and secular authorities, and they were forced underground after a plan to overthrow the Hapsburgs was uncovered.
Early attempts at openness, it seems, taught the Illuminati that some things are best accomplished from behind the scenes.
Next time, we'll look at various historical events alleged to have been manipulated by the Illuminati.
ABOUT WAG
WAG is published ten times a year in Richmond, Virginia, by Doug Childers and William H. Shinault IV. They can be contacted electronically by Internet: WAGmag@aol.com.
This electronic version of WAG is free. No fee may be charged for its circulation or use. Nor may it be altered in any way.
The contents of WAG are copyright 1994 by riverrun enterprises.

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-+- you don't want to read this, i'm sure. it might be inspiring -+-
issue one of WAMI (Works of Art that didn't Make It)
(note-- this thing didn't go off as i wanted it to. all this really
proves is that "resurgam" is a dumbass. i wanted to choose
the most extremist right wing christian and interview him/her
to get a quick laugh. instead i found a dumbass who really
isn't that funny. i doubt you'll even want to read this...)
<except perhaps the last two or three lines>
<Resurgam> kewlio
<Resurgam> what magazine is this exactly anyhow?
<fooled> alright. the log's on. for starters, tell me your first name, age,
sex, age, current faith, and political party. anything extra would
be cool as well.
<Resurgam> gees.
<Resurgam> my name is Annelizabeth Kim and i'm 317 year old christian vampire.
<fooled> haha - that's funny. really tho.
<Resurgam> or to be really serious, i'm 21 and my belief is in Christ
<Resurgam> (actually, that was really serious, hon)
<fooled> political party?
<Resurgam> none
<Resurgam> i'm a female, by the way
<fooled> are you a part of the christian coalition? what do you think about
it?
<Resurgam> i'm a youth minister/director/counselor
<Resurgam> i'm not involved in any christian coalition
<fooled> what do you think about it though?
<Resurgam> well...
<Resurgam> i figure if you want to have a coalition, fine.
<fooled> lack of information to pass judgement?
<Resurgam> well, lack, yes, but from what've seen, it is okay.
<Resurgam> one thing though.
<Resurgam> i am adamently opposed to prayers in school.
<fooled> why is that?
<Resurgam> prayers? because...
<fooled> because isn't a good enough answer...
<Resurgam> see, the Christians are seeking prayers in school with this weird
wacked out thought that only christians are the ones that pray.
<Resurgam> but there are others out there in the world with different
religions and world views
<fooled> don't you feel there should be a separation of church and state in
this wonderful (ack) country?
<Resurgam> i mean, personally, if that is what you believe, hey, fine. but i
don't want that shoved into my kid.
<Resurgam> i think there should be a separation.
<Resurgam> from the study of history
<Resurgam> most nations that has had the unity of state and church has had
some sort of a several century long rebellion.
<fooled> true. do you feel that christianity is the only "right" religion?
<Resurgam> yes, i feel that Christianity is the only right religion.
<fooled> so separation of church and state, in your opinion, would keep your
child from learning of other religions?
<Resurgam> no, it would keep my child from learning it in school (outside of
maybe some history courses or philosophy courses.)
<fooled> so you would rather teach the child about those religions?
<Resurgam> ...hm... *grin*
<Resurgam> i would rather that i teach my child in a fair manner
<Resurgam> i have friends of all beliefs.
<fooled> eheh that'd be a little biased. <grin> - but here's one a little
off topic.. who do you think you'll vote for in '96?
<Resurgam> that one ex-general if he decides to run.
<fooled> colin powell?
<Resurgam> yeah, that dood.
<Resurgam> i would want my child to form his or her own opinion.
<Resurgam> gag!
<Resurgam> biased? hehe
<Resurgam> hm... let's see...... hm...
<fooled> didn't you just say though that christianity is the only right
religion? what would you do if your child decided to switch over to
another faith?
<Resurgam> you know, i think i'm speaking a bit fast, but i doubt that my kid
would.
<fooled> ah... do you feel that religion is becoming less important as
generations go on?
<Resurgam> actually, i think it's gotten a bit more important.
<Resurgam> not just christianity, but religion in general.
<fooled> actually, i think you're wrong. most people i've talked to say their
children really don't care one way or another about religion. what
do you think would spawn these feelings?
<fooled> do you think their music (nirvana, white zombie, pavement, etc)
<Resurgam> spawn what feelings about what?
<fooled> their lack of interest in religion.
<Resurgam> youc an't ask a kid who's 10 what his feelings of zoraostrianism
<Resurgam> that's rather obvious.
<fooled> well i'm not talking of a child who's 10. i'm talking of kids who
are 15-25+...
<Resurgam> you know, kids in all generation is and will be always influenced
by three major sources: media, parents, friends
<fooled> zoraostrianism doesn't sound too bad either. i was at one of their
temples in california.
<Resurgam> well, alright that too. but any many kids know about
<fooled> do you think the popularity of music such as nirvana, white zombie,
etc has a big effect on them though?
<Resurgam> really now? one of my best friends is a zoro
<Resurgam> i think it does
<Resurgam> let me say something
<fooled> my father is a zoro..
<Resurgam> in every generation... or a time period... hm... let's take the
impressionist period for one...
<Resurgam> the poems and literature worked with the music and art etc etc
etc...
<Resurgam> they work together
<Resurgam> same with the works of like walt whitman... he worked with nature
and so on and so forth
<fooled> your point?
<Resurgam> these are all working together to fuse in that period's thoughts
and beliefs to one being... the human race.
<Resurgam> so my point is... OF COURSE IT'S GOING TO AFFECT THEM!
* Resurgam grins
<Resurgam> (iranina zoro or indian zoro?)
<fooled> ah i see. i think i knew that though. :) how do you stand on
homosexuality?
<Resurgam> iranian, even.
<fooled> <iranian>
<Resurgam> it's wrong.
<Resurgam> (dood, my answers sound anal)
<Resurgam> <kewl>
<fooled> here's the scenerio -- imagine your kid tells you he's/she's gay.
what would be your reaction?
<Resurgam> i think God didn't create homosexuals.
<fooled> god creates everybody, right?
<Resurgam> my reations?
<Resurgam> reaction? hehehe
<fooled> reactions, reaction...
<Resurgam> yes, he created everyone but hear me on this one...
<fooled> i'm listening
<Resurgam> God made explicite laws about homosexuality and his dislike of it
<Resurgam> if we are created in his image
<Resurgam> that doesn't say much for either of us, does it?
<Resurgam> i don't believe this biological doodah thingamajgic
<Resurgam> jig
<Resurgam> what i see is just society's way of coming up with one excuse after
another.
<fooled> guess not. ah well. they're actually saying it might be genetic.
<Resurgam> it can't be genetic. heard that. been there, done that. i read up
on it. ;
<Resurgam> ;>
<fooled> ah. umm.. how about abortion?
<Resurgam> abortion is not right either although i've had friends who's had
abortions.
<fooled> what about in cases of incest/rape?
<Resurgam> you figure this...
<Resurgam> taking God out of this for aminute (i've done this arguement
forever)
<Resurgam> actually, rape babies are extrememly cute and somehow, God has
blessed them even more.
*** fooled is now known as hotsex
<hotsex> whatcha think about netsex?
<Resurgam> if a one celled organism is considered to be a living creature...
<Resurgam> uh...
*** Signoff: hotsex (i'm bleeding! ack!)

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Pete and Bernie's Philosophical Steakhouse (1994-1995)
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Pete and Bernie's Philosophical Steakhouse (1994-1995)
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PETE AND BERNIE'S PHILOSOPHICAL STEAKHOUSE
VOL 1, ISSUE 1.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Written or inspired by:-
Sven Spangler (scumpiggy)
Pee-Wee (Mr. Unreliable)
D.L (The nicest kind of wife killer)
Chief M<>Binki (Caretaker to the famous corpse of Charles 1st)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Foreword:
You know I really cannot be bothered.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
First article: Gimme some wood, and I<>ll build you a cabinet.
The genealogy of Oates (out of Hall and Oates)
Kenneth had two sons, one was called Keith, one was called Don.
Don got married to a lovely lady called Maxine
Don and Maxine had a daughter called Martina, she had one leg, a limp,
and a smile.
Martina got married to a one armed man, like out of the fugitive or
something. They BORE no child. So that buggered up things a bit.
Keith, on the other hand, got married to Clare, the cleaner. Clare's skin
was pure and she had a cute elfin smile, mmmm.
Clare and Keith had 2 children, one died in it<69>s cot so that didn<64>t do out,
but one child called Steve was alright so that<61>s something I suppose.
Steve got married to a lady called Ellen and they had a little girl called
Maxine, but we<77>re not interested in her we are only interested in their
only son who was called....JOHN OATES, the untalented one out Hall and
Oates.
He was a sure fire handsome lad with a big floppy <20>tache and he was a
bit short too and he liked to play guitar and was good at it but couldn<64>t
do owt else so he teamed up with Dave Hall who was taller than him
and had yellow hair and they had pop hits and the rest, as they say, is
history.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article two: Our promise to you
P+B promise to abide by the following codes of E-zine...
1) Very Idolatry.
2) Spouting bullshit and then realising the folly of our out pourings.
3) Constant references to spice, salt, condiments in general.
4) Mucho Mondo Hilarity.
5) Questioning the world around us, and then not wanting to really
know.
6) Intense shenanigans.
7) The promise that once subscribed you cannot for love n<>money get
out again, a bit like Scientology.
8) The love of all Gods, however unlikely their real existence may be.
We love religion, we think it<69>s tops!
9) Paranoia.
10) Frivolity.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article Three: Man-Boy love is GOOD!
Cavalcade of the stars...
It was around midnight when bruce Willis ate a hot dog
Tom Cruise<73>s real name is Tom Prowl
Michael Keaton was inherited in a late Aunts will and given as a raffle
prize when he was a wee lad.
Arnold Schwartzanaeger!
Michelle Pfiefer unnerves her neighbours by banging the walls with her
hoover.
Demi Moores mum has two photo<74>s on her kitchen wall. One is of Demi,
and one is of Satan.
Madchen Amicks First name is german for <20>Kool and the Gang<6E>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article Four: The Bongo Brigade cometh...
WANK STOPPERS
Were you in the area of 22 Brouchester Gardens, Kent, on the night of
the 14th October? Then Maybe you can help WankStoppers with their
enquiries.
Apparently, a man was heard and in fact seen, pulling his pud
frantically over <20>Jana<6E> in the January 1994 issue of <20>Razzle<6C> in his own
bedroom.
If you have any information about this or any other tossings then please
contact us at the usual address. Your action could result in the arrest
of this man, and several others linked together in a <20>jazz syndicate<74> and
could earn you a <20>community wank watch<63> award.
Keep <20>em peeled!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article Five:STOP! ODER MEINE MAMI SCHEIST!
RING!RING! Telephones are an ideal form of communication!
Surely there is no other invention of the twentieth century which can
compare to that of the telephone.
Wether you want to catch the latest gossip with your family, or simply
say hello to an old friend, the telephone is there, twenty four hours a
day. And it<69>s so simple to use!
But it<69>s not just there for pleasure, businesses are also finding the
telephone a boon.
Time Peterson, RFI-Telecommunications <20>Thirty years ago the quickest
way to contact someone was by post, now you can increase your
efficiency with the use of telephones. From striking a deal with a
customer in Tokyo, to simply finding the correct time, it<69>s all there and
only a press of a button away.<2E>
But it wasn<73>t always this convenient.
The telephone has come a long way since it<69>s inception in the early
1900<EFBFBD>s, as a large wind up, piece of machinery. Through many designs
and though the great leaps in the telecommunications industry we are
now able to all own a sleek, portable phone, and the future looks
brighter than ever with the introduction of video phones.
The concept is simple.
A telephone handset contains two transducers, one in the earpiece, and
one in the mouthpiece. A transducer is a piece of electronics which
converts <20>pitch<63> signals, i.e, the voice, to electronic pulses which can
be sent down a telephone line to the receiving phone where the signal is
then converted back into a form we can all understand, that of clam.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article six: Women with gloves.
you know those little sick leave forms you have to fill in when you get
back from work after your sick and then you have to hand them in to
personnel and the ones at my place are pink and you have to put in
reason for illness? You do! Why, that<61>s dandy. Why not try these
excuses....
reason for time off....
1-Not so much an illness, more a state of mind.
2-Fell of a swing in park
3-I fought the law, and the law won.
4-Triple heart bypass, it smarts a bit.
5-I was here, I was just hiding.
6-Kinder egg toy caught in wind pipe.
7-Cramp.
8-Wanted for a crime I did not commit.
9-Run for your wife.
10-sick to the back teeth.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article seven:Bottom toys
Guide to percentage of water in stars.
Janet Jackson----------45 percent water, 55 percent carpet.
Joe Walsh--------------19 percent water, 81 percent sponge.
Tim Robbins-------------only 1 percent water, 99 percent sand.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article eight: John Inman's bubbly tested cigarette finger manipulation
A Fan letter to Traci Lords...
Dear Traci,
I am a real appreciator of your work. I love all the films you<6F>ve been in
except the porny ones which I steer right the fuck away from. I have a
problem though and as you are my guiding light in this world of shit I
know only you can really answer nice like.
You see, it all started way back last June. Every time I wash my hair it
goes crazy. I don<6F>t know what to do. It happens regardless of any drying
techniques or use of shampoo/conditioner. I know you have beautiful
hair, even though it<69>s seen more spunk matting than most and you
peroxide it to fuckery or something, and so I know that you can help me.
I love you Traci. I love you and I need you and if you don<6F>t love me I will
kill myself and take a whole lot of fuckers down with me,get it? you
see I cannot go on without you. Everynight I think about you and him
together and I curse the day you met him and end up crying with my dick
in my hand while I<>m wanking over you. You are heaven sent and here to
lead me into love and life Traci and I know that you know that.
Please come to me Traci and never leave me.
Love forever, eternal and true.
Sven Spangler.
P.S-Can I have a signed photo, it<69>s not for me it<69>s fr me mate.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article nine: Men desperate to disguise a shiny head
Evil Kneival is not an evil man. What<61>s so evil about driving over 20
busses in a motor bike? If he was really evil he<68>d try jumping over a
few babies in a Ford Anglia or something.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article ten: Me and My operation.
POP FACTS-This issue its CHER!
1-Cher was once married to Ken Dodd, of Notty Ash tickle stick tax
dodge fame.
2-Cher<65>s real hair colour is orange. No it<69>s true!
3-Cher has a great big tattoo on her arse of a ships anchor with the
words <20>land ahoy<6F> under it.
4-Cher has sex a lot, probably, in fact she<68>s probably a bit saggy.
5-Cher is a paid assassin of some repute.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article eleven: Fun with asbestos.
You read the lonely hearts column don<6F>t you? Well, why not reply to one
of these lonely sad fuckers using this ready made letter I have provided
for your convenience below.
--------cut here ------------------------------------------------
Dear <name here>
I read your ad in the lonely hearts column and thought I would write to
you. You see, I am lonely too. Yes, I know it<69>s really awful isn<73>t it, being
alone, no-one to turn too, no shoulder to cry on. Most of the time I feel
just like cashing my chips in and calling it a day, but then, out of the
blue, I saw your ad.
My name is Sven and I am the same age as you. I like your style of
writing I think you must come from good stock. I also think that you
must be a very very lonely person to have even considered writing to
one of these columns. You realize how dodgy this game is don<6F>t you? I
never would put an ad in and I thought I was lonely!
I have had relationships before but they never lasted. My last partner,
Sarah was very pretty. But so was her best friend and ...well, you know
how these things happen, very dodgy. I caught something nasty from Jill
(Sarah's old partner, and best friend) and then passed it back to Sarah
and that was that, she wasn<73>t happy <20>cos she had only just got it
cleared up. but, you gotta laugh, eh?
But, anyway, you probably want to know what I look like right?
Well, I stand approximately 3ft 2inches tall and have white hair and
pink eyes. I am very pale skinned, my mum says that<61>s my best asset,
the girls like this I think. I am not very fat, but then I am not exactly
what you may call thin either.
I like music, darts, and I<>m very interested in murder, though I haven<65>t
tried it myself obviously (though it has been playing on my mind of
late). I do lots of indoor bowls, and have a large collection of beer mats
which I have collected over the years from many many countries.
I would love to meet you, and love you as my own, and spend some time
with you. I am not a shy person, not by any means, and so I think I could
integrate with some of your family, though not within the next year or
so, I can<61>t really be trusted.
Please call me, for God<6F>s sake, and we can get together and have lots of
fun. My phone number is (0734)429021. Call me today. Lot<6F>s off fun.
Anthony Ikin.
High Priest.
Church of Satan.
------cut here---------------------------------------------------
So there you go. Simply print it, cut it out, sign it, and send it. I am
sure you will really amuse a lot of lonely people and they will share big
belly laughs with their friends about the whole situation. You too can
be a <20>timewaster<65>.
BTW-If you want to talk to Anthony Ikin on Reading (that's 0734)
429021 about the church of Satan you may, tell him Sven told you to
call.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article twelve: Falling to the floor with a bottle in my hand, treated
like poultry.
HOW IT ALL BEGAN
There was a small town concert promoter who owned a large chain of
peanut shops (including 'peanut-u-like' and 'peanut R us') and he decided
to hold a concert to raise money for famine relief. He was so skint that
he could only afford to give the performing artists payment in kind (i.e,
peanuts!). The big day came and he eagerly awaited the vast number of
performing legends to arrive, hover, when the crunch came only one
band turned up. That band was the hit pop combo 'The Monkess'. And thus
started the common phrase 'You pays peanuts, you gets monkees!'.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article thirteen: A great deal of cussing, and much profanity too.
CAKES OF THE STARS
Michael J Fox ------ Chocolate swiss roll.
Jack Lemmon------- Jam donut
Robert De Niro------ Loony toons cup cakes
Eddie Vedder------- Chocolate chip muffins
Cindy Crawford----- Fondant fancies.
Prince------------- Chocolate hob nobs.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article fourteen: Masturbating over pictures of Mackauley Culkin.
ARE YOU A PAEDOPHILE?
Find out by asking yourself these questions.
1)What do you keep in your funny little special magic scrapbook at
home?
a) Pictures of your favourite lakes.
b)Pictures of saucy scantily clad buxom nubile ladies.
c)Pictures of children, IN THE NUDE (frolicking on the beach)
d)Full danish hardcore kiddie porn shots of children being made to
lick each others genitals in such a manner as to cause you
to shoot vinegar.
2) What do you most like to do, of a Sunday?
a)Amble along the winding paths of the lake district.
b)Watch saucy electric blue videos.
c)Look through the kiddies section of Kays catalogues.
d)Ritually abuse pre-pubescents whilst drinking your own
pungent piss.
3) What would be your ideal occupation?
a) A vicar, caring for the community and such
b) A sexy naughty film actor or actress.
c)A social worker, so you could press up against kids a bit
d)A playschool teacher so you could steal little children's PE
kits for your own dark and sinister purposes.
4) What is the contents of your drawers in your bed room.
a)My grundies and nout else.
b) A big stash of legal Jazz mags.
c) A few kiddies shoes, to squirt over from time to time.
d) A child.
So, how did you do.... find out now.
Mostly D's---You are a paedophile, congratulations.
Mostly C's--- A tad strange.
Mostly B's--- You are free to go with no further questioning.
Mostly A's--- You are Harry Secombe.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article fifteen: Sweaty clinkers.
The day I met Phoebe Cates.
It was a Saturday and I was in London just looking around and spying
out all the neato records that I would buy had I lots of moula and then I
saw her, out of the corner of my right eye. It's....no it can't be... ah but it
is!!! It's Phoebe Cates! So I strolls on over, calm as you like, and I say
'What's up?'
And she looks at me and says
'Do I know you?'
and I say
'No, but I know you?'
and she looks worried and says nout.
So I say
'You are Phoebe Cates, and I am our fan!'
and she says
'Who?'
And I say
'Phoebe Cates, you know the lady actress, Gremlins an all'
and she says
'I'm sorry, I don't know who you mean'
but I know it was her. So I grasp her arm and shout at her
'Don't bullshit me bitch'
and she is in pain and so I let her go and say
'I'm sorry'
and right about then I get rushed by security and beaten up. And even
though she denied it, I know it was her, or I would if it weren't for my
bullshitting.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article sixteen: I wanna be like Richard Madely
Holy, Holy, Holy... the top ten holiest people in britain.
10-Thora Hird
9-Harry Secombe
8-Mr Motivator
7-Doctor legg (Off Eastenders)
6-Dot Cotton (also off Eastenders)
5-Ulrika Johnson (of Timotae advert fame)
4-Ivy (from the corra)
3-Desmond Lynam (From How do they do that)
2-Topol ( out 'Fiddler on the roof')
1-Douglas Barder- THE HOLIEST MAN IN BRITAIN!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article seventeen: Kool and the Spangles
I want you all as my girlfriends, but could you fuckin' 'ack it? Find out
in this fun quiz. Just answer c to all these and we can do out.
1-I come home late, trousered up like a fucker, throwin'' up all over. I
kill your cat, eat all the food in the freezer, then sit down in front of a
porno video and demand tops and fingers.
What do you do?
a) Call the police
b)Laugh it off as a big funny joke
c)Invite all your friends over to have tops and fingers too.
2-We have just finished making passionate love and I say 'Now fuck off
out of my bedroom!' what do you do?
a)Slap my face and say 'we're through'
b)Pass it off as my 'funny little' sense of humour.
c)Leave quietly and wait outside the bedroom door until I decree you fit
to once more enter the inner sanctum for more pleasuring .
3-We've had a bit of an argument, so I decide to play 'Happy home' by
the Residents repeatedly, over and over again for 2 hours. What would
you do?
a)Phone a psychiatrist.
b)Pass it off as my 'funny little' sense of humour.
c)Dance with me to the 'tune' as long as I want and then offer to buy me
a pizza.
4-We both share a nice cup of tea, when, half way through, I inform you
that I have actually pissed in it. What d'ya do about it?
a)Take me outside and beat me with a piece of 2 by 4
b)Pass it off as my 'funny little' sense of humour.
c) Drink the rest of the tea, say 'thank you' and then ask for another cup
sheepishly like out of oliver or something.
So, how did you do?
If you answered mostly A's then BEGONE EVIL ONE! If you answered
mostly B's then we could date but I only like you as a friend. If you
answered all C's then welcome to my family, I love you, have my baby,
bare my evil spawn.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article seventeen: Pob will eat himself.
Some facts about Tony Hart out of Vision on/take hart/hart beat/
morph phame.
1-Tony believes in the ancient art of Buggery, whereby man inserts his
penis into a woman's anal orifice causing her to scream 'Wrong fucking
hole!!!' and then cry a bit.
2-Tony Harts real name is Tony Pancreas, but he kept that a bit fuckin''
quiet didn't he?
3-Tony Harts real life landlord is the same bloke who used to stick his
fucking nose in every week on Take Hart and say some stupid flippant
quip or something or other and then disappear and now he's a student.
4-Tony Hart has had it off with all the girls who co-presented take
hart with him and he satisfies them all because he has such a big knob.
5-Tony Hart is hard of hearing, hand has baps, not rolls mind.
6-Tony hart is frequently naive but has a very novel way of disguising
this.
7-Tony hart had it off with Morph by sticking Morph up his bum and
wiggling him about a bit till he was fully satisfied.
8-Tony called the Queen a whore and she just fucking smiled.
9-Tony Hart, did a fart, whilst riding in his go-cart
10-Tony Hart is the inventor of that which we now know as 'air'
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article eighteen: Pornography, a mans best friend.
DR THISSTLEWAITES GUIDE TO SEX!
Dr Keith (just Keith) Thisstlewaites new book, 'Sex-What's in it for
you?' is top of this months best sellers. Dad's everywhere are fighting
to get their hands on a copy as the nations gets taken over by
'sexmania'. But, exclusively, in your soaraway P+B we are proud to bring
you a brief extract from the sex book which has the nation salivating.
-----------------------
(Extract from 'Sex-What's in it for you?' Published by Faber and Faber,
for 19.95, available now)
Sex, it's Britain's number one past time. But how much do you really
know about fucking? There now follows some startling facts about sex,
and some figures too.
SEX-Sex, or fucking, is Britain's number one pastime, but how much do
you really know about it? Straight sex, or fucking, takes place between
two things, be it man and woman, man and man, woman and man, man
and man and woman, or man and two more men, and a woman, or maybe
an item or dog. It's fun, easy, but how much do you really know about
sex, or fucking?
botty sex-It's when a man puts his Mr Johnson in a woman bottom, and
it's illegal. Too. But not illegal for a man and a man. Over a certain age.
Kinky sex- It's when either a man or a woman, or both, dress like
sigmund Freud and then have sex, too.
Oral sex- is not, in fact, having sex, or to sex, but in fact talking about
it, usually to ones friends, down the pub, when pissed, or to your pets.
Nasal penetration -Is the art, or art, of sticking your penis up a persons
nose and is not illegal but is very nice and extremely safe and I
recommend it to all of you.
But what of teenagers? Teenagers are notorious fuckmatic and the
average British teenage has sex on the whole, up to, and including 14
times a week. This figure is sure to shock Dads.
But what of pets? Pets have feelings too and the insertion of a member
into a pets orifice (be it rat, hamster, dog, cat, crab, or sandwich) is
both healthy, and illegal, and very nasty indeed. And don't think you'll
get out of it by sticking a hamster up your arse 'cos that's not on either.
Sex is nothing to be scared of. A recent survey showed that most
women, when asked, said that one thing they wanted in a man was a
sense of humour. Whilst most men, when asked, said that the one thing
they wanted in a women was their dick. This speaks volumes for the
state of the nation today and I am proud to be British (though one of my
parents was Flemish) and is sure to shock Dads.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article nineteen :6 girl sex
BOSS-U-LIKE
The perfect boss should be able to laugh when you fire staples at him,
and flick his arse with a rubber band. He should be firm yet fair. He
should have brown hair. Definitely not blonde. And no fucking
moustache. A mustachioed man is definitely out of the question. A full
beard is not only OK, but actually recommended.
He should be an avid recreational smoker, and never ever turn up to
work before you.
He should be squidlike in appearance, and bovine in sense. A phallic
statue should adorn his office, and he should carry about a sack
brimming with eel like aliens from another planet, not dissimilar to
our own.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article twenty : 23 grapefruit up a cardinals arse.
ALBINO WATCH-News for or about Albino's.
*New quiz show beginning on Radio 4 called 'Albino Challenge' where a
panel of albino dwarfs have to guess the weight of frogs.
*Sixteen men have been arrested in connection to an albino slavery
syndicate. In one man's flat in Dover over 20 Albino's and assorted
Midgets were found starving and badly taunted.
* The ADLF (Albino and Dwarf Liberation Front) have freed 25
laboratory Albino's in a raid on Oxford University Labs. It is believed
these albino's were being used for experimentation.
* Monolith, the world first Albino, and Dwarf. black metal have had to
cancel there debut UK show at Camdens Underworld due to threats
made by members of the AAL (anti Albino League) who had threatened
to disrupt the sell out show should it go ahead.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article twenty one: You're going home in a cosmic ambience.
The night my band kicked me out.
they pretended that the band had split up and they hadn't but they just
wanted to get me out even though I was the only one who could play any
fucking instrument or write any songs. So I started to get drunk and I
get very drunk indeed and I've had enough of them and so I decide to just
hang out with any girl I see that I know and I meet this girl that I tried
to get off with before and she's really sly and she pretends to be
interested bit she's not because I'm paranoid and I don't want to tell
you her name. So I'm talking to her, but I can't see too good because I've
had a skinfull and I don't get no play and you can hardly blame them
because I was teetering on the brink of paralysis.
Then I see this girl I know from work and I'm trying it on with her but
I'm getting nout and I am a bit fed up because I don't want her to tell
lot's of other people at work about my foolhardy behaviour because she
is not really that good looking. And I almost pass out and then they
play Rage Against the machine and the pit is really getting viscous and
I go in and start moshing but I can't take too much of it because it is
really nasty. And then I go and start talking to other girls and I talk to
one girl and she has pony tails on each side of her head, as is the
fashion amongst young ladies nowadays or so I am led to believe, and I
ask if her hair is natural and she says it is, so I say 'What? you have
these things naturally growing out of your head?' and I am only trying
to be humorous but it fails dismally and she frown I think but I can't
remember because I was way drunk but Gary tells me that happens and
so I have to believe him.
So anyway, I am a bit drunk and I give this girl I know half a pint and a
rose but she doesn't give a fuck. And Gary and me leave and I try to walk
to the town centre to get a taxi but I cant even walk and this is outside
the After Dark on a Friday night and I sit down on the steps and
everything starts to spin and I am so drunk and Gary fed up because he
can't get me to get up and walk into town for a taxi and then I decide I
want to and we start walking and I am stumbling about all over and I
am even drunker and we get into a taxi and I get home and toss plenty
of cookies all over and I felt ill and it was really bad. I have been this
drunk lot's of times since so it really couldn't have been that bad.
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Article twenty two:I stick my fingers up cat's bums because it makes
my willy tingle. Yet I am the highest paid philosopher in the UK.
Cheese-The king of dairy produce.
Millions upon millions of people eat it every day, it is by far the most
widely used item of Dairy produce, cheese is the word on everyone's
lips. But how much do we really know about cheese?
From the chalky texture and sour taste of brie, to the sweet, juicy
texture of the great English Chedder, all cheese starts off as the basic
ingredient of Milk. This milk is taken and put into a machine where it is
stirred constantly and mixed with Rennet where upon it eventually
turns into cheese. This is why when your milk goes off it has the slight
odour of cheese!
The cheese, once formed, is stored away until mature and then cut and
graded. It is then sent to supermarkets throughout the world where it
will be dipped in Ram's phlegm and then packaged in meat conveniently
cut out from a head of a dead howler-monkey, before it is offered for
sale to you, the shrimp.
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Article twenty three: Evil Doctor Mork, spawn of lucifer.
STAR INTERVIEW-Michael J Fox.
P+B: So Mike, how's it going mate.
Mike: Fine, no problems. How are you?
P+B: No problems. So listen, mike, you doing Teen Wolf three or what?
Mike:Sorry?
P+B: Teenwolf three. You doing it?
Mike:Should I?
P+B:I think you should because it's really going to be great, really
wonderful,and you haven't done owt since Back to the future 3.
Mike:How do you know about it?
P+B:Well, you seen, we're writing it at this moment. Do you wanna hear
the plot we got, it's smart.
Mike:??????
P+B:So, there's this guy, right, and he's a bloke, right, and he's at
college, right, and he's actually a wolf, and he tries to hide it but it
come to light and the wolf is very popular and...
Mike: But that's the plot to teenwolf 1!!
P+B:Yeah.
Mike:?????
P+B:Why not?
Mike:Because it's already been done.
P+B: oh... so you're not going to do it then?
Mike:NO!
P+B:OK.
Mike:Listen, can we talk about something reasonable please.
P+B: OK, listen, Mike, you were in Family ties right?
Mike:......
P+B:Well, it was smart!
Mike:...thanks. I'm glad you like it.
P+B:Yeh, what was it like to work with Justine Bateman?
Mike:Fin, we had a lot of fun on the set.
P+B:Yeh, her careers down he pan now, eh?
Mike:Well, I wouldn't say that.
P+B:Listen, Mike,m you couldn't give me her phone number could you?
Mike:I don't have it.
P+B:Oh, do you know anyone that would have it, I mean, can you get it
for me? I'd really appreciate it.
Mike:No I don't think so. I don't think I should
P+B:There's a connection! Her brother played you in TeenWolf 2!
Mike:Yes.
P+B:Well, you haven't got his number have you. Then he might have her
number and he might want to be in teenwolf 3!
...etc....
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Article twenty four:Pulling a rabbit out of your bosses shirt sleeve.
Buying Jazz Mags can be a traumatic experience. It's a fact of life that
nearly every man under 25 has had to face. The Jazz nab can be hair
raising, But it needn't be so scary if you just use this article as your
guide, follow each hint and your Jazz mag collection will swell to
monumental heights.
1)If you are in a car, make sure that no-one is behind you when you are
parking in the shop, also check that no one is walking along the
pavement nearby with intent of visiting said newsagent, also make sure
that there is no-one in there. If any of these things occur then simply
drive around the block and come back when the coast is clear.
2)Do not scan the jazzy selection before making your purchase. Stick to
the magazines you know and love and don't deviate too far from these.
If you spend any considerable time scanning said selection this gives
other punters the chance to nip into the shop and see you purchasing the
mag and then they can tell your girlfriend/parents/wife/hamster
causing all manner of shortcomings.
3)Whatever you do, don't buy a Jazzie from a shop where there is a
woman under 30 years old serving, it can only cause misery.
4)Never beat off in the middle of a newsagents.
5)Never buy a Jazzie from a well respected chain store.
6)Show no fear! Stride up to the counter, slam down your purchase,
shout "I would like to buy this porno mag", pay in pennies, and stride
out with your purchase underneath your arm whistling a merry tune, and
tipping your hat to passers by.
7)jazzy mags inspire lustful desires and feelings of hatred towards all
women, but it's worth a couple of quid for a few decent wanks.
Thanks.
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Article Twenty Five: That's all folks.
So that's the end of issue one.
Please don't mail me with hateful thoughts, any suggestions will be
ignored. You can mail me if you want out (as apposed to owt) and I'll de-
subscribe you. you can send articles as long as they are foolish and I'll
put 'em in.
God bless you all.
DISCLAIMER: Yeh, you know the score. Me, and the other people who
wrote this shit are the only ones held responsible so don't blame my
employee's, it's not their fault. Blame my parents if anyone. No-one
need agree with anything we have written, God knows we don't agree
with any of it.
Subscribe to PAB by mailing...... DL@CATES.DEMON.CO.UK and stating subscribe (your E-mail address) PAB.
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