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76
textfiles.com/100/beefstar.hum
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76
textfiles.com/100/beefstar.hum
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|
||||
"Do you, like, ever let people into your meat-locker to, like, uh, you know,
|
||||
fuck around with the meat?" I asked.
|
||||
|
||||
The short-haired Greek man looked at me strangely from behind the counter.
|
||||
Several of the waitresses glared in my direction.
|
||||
|
||||
"What you mean 'fuck around'?" the dumpy Greek asked.
|
||||
|
||||
"You know, like shovin' your dick in and out of the openings in the meat.
|
||||
Then, like, getting a bunch of smelly, sticky cream of tubesteak all over the
|
||||
junk that you grind into foodburgers," I informed him.
|
||||
|
||||
"Naw. We don't do that. You don't do that. Nobody do that," the imbecile
|
||||
claimed.
|
||||
|
||||
"I do that," I began, "and as a matter of fact, most of my pals do that too.
|
||||
We like it."
|
||||
|
||||
Overhearing our conversation, one of the waitresses gave me a sour look.
|
||||
She seemed to be acting like she was getting sick. The cook and the other two
|
||||
waitresses completely ignored everything except the random orders for patty
|
||||
melts and double cheeseburgers.
|
||||
|
||||
"Look, I don't wanna do nothin' weird or strange or anything. I just wanna
|
||||
fuck a bunch of meat that you got in your huge ol' meat locker. Listen, don't
|
||||
any of you stupid fuckers understand what I'm sayin'?" I stated in an agitated
|
||||
manner.
|
||||
|
||||
"Mister, people gotta eat my food. If you stick dick in food, no can eat.
|
||||
Frank lose money. No can do," the Greek said.
|
||||
|
||||
"How much money would you lose, bright eyes?" I asked.
|
||||
|
||||
"Big thing of cow cost Frank $220 for a half," Greek-man said.
|
||||
|
||||
"Well, I wanna fuck around with about 13 of them. Let's see...that's about
|
||||
$2860...and I'll give you...oh, let's see...$40 just for letting me do it,
|
||||
OK?"
|
||||
|
||||
"I dunno."
|
||||
|
||||
"OK. Look, I'll give you $3000 cash, RIGHT NOW, cause I like you an awful
|
||||
lot, and also cause I'm fucking sick and tired or trying to talk to you
|
||||
goddamn Greek half-wits."
|
||||
|
||||
The Greek seemed to ponder what I had said for a minute, or perhaps he was
|
||||
just wallowing in incomprehension. One waitress went into the back-room and
|
||||
loudly threw up.
|
||||
|
||||
"OK. But you give Frank money NOW."
|
||||
|
||||
I handed the three bills over to the fool and lifted up a section of the
|
||||
counter and walked into the walk-in freezer.
|
||||
|
||||
"OK, you can fuck with 13 sides of cow, but leave cheese and other gunk
|
||||
alone. OK?"
|
||||
|
||||
There was a wide variety of different kinds of food present in the walk-in
|
||||
freezer. Many, many eggs and other fine foods. I could see containers of
|
||||
pancake batter and butter. On the left was what I was after. Thirteen
|
||||
beautiful sides of beef!
|
||||
|
||||
I started to get a hard-on just looking at the beef!
|
||||
|
||||
"You got your cash. Get out of here!" I shouted at the geek.
|
||||
|
||||
I casually waltzed up to the nearest beef-side and began to sweet-talk it.
|
||||
|
||||
"Hi, new in town? Ever get into Satanism? Shit, you're cute."
|
||||
|
||||
The cool beef did not reply.
|
||||
|
||||
--Original story by Don Bolles
|
||||
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
312
textfiles.com/100/bhbb1.hac
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312
textfiles.com/100/bhbb1.hac
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|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Note to sysops: You are welcome to
|
||||
download this file and use it on
|
||||
your system, providing you DO NOT
|
||||
remove the credits for Mark Tabas
|
||||
or KAOS. In other words, try to act
|
||||
like a human being!
|
||||
--------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
The Mark Tabas encounter
|
||||
series presents:
|
||||
|
||||
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|
||||
Better Homes and Blue Boxing
|
||||
|
||||
Part I
|
||||
|
||||
Theory of Operation
|
||||
|
||||
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|
||||
|
||||
To quote Karl Marx, blue boxing has
|
||||
always been the most noble form of
|
||||
phreaking. As opposed to such things
|
||||
as using an MCI code to make a free
|
||||
fone call, which is merely mindless
|
||||
pseudo-phreaking, blue boxing is
|
||||
actual interaction with the Bell
|
||||
System toll network. It is likewise
|
||||
advisable to be more cautious when
|
||||
blue boxing, but the careful phreak
|
||||
will not be caught, regardless of what
|
||||
type of switching system he is under.
|
||||
In this part, I will explain how and
|
||||
why blue boxing works, as well as
|
||||
where. In later parts, I will give
|
||||
more practical information for blue
|
||||
boxing and routing information.
|
||||
To begin with, blue boxing is simply
|
||||
communicating with trunks. Trunks must
|
||||
not be confused with subscriber lines
|
||||
(or "customer loops") which are
|
||||
standard telefone lines. Trunks are
|
||||
those lines that connect central
|
||||
offices. Now, when trunks are not in
|
||||
use (i.e., idle or "on-hook" state)
|
||||
they have 2600Hz applied to them. If
|
||||
they are two-way trunks, there is
|
||||
2600Hz in both directions. When a
|
||||
trunk IS in use (busy or "off-hook"
|
||||
state"), the 2600Hz is removed from
|
||||
the side that is off-hook. The 2600Hz
|
||||
is therefore known as a supervisory
|
||||
signal, because it indicates the
|
||||
status of a trunk; on hook (tone) or
|
||||
off-hook (no tone). Note also that
|
||||
2600Hz denoted SF (single frequency)
|
||||
signalling and is "in-band." This is
|
||||
very important. "In-band" means that
|
||||
is is within the band of frequencies
|
||||
that may be transmitted over normal
|
||||
telefone lines. Other SF signals, such
|
||||
as 3700Hz are used also. However, they
|
||||
cannot be carried over the telefone
|
||||
network normally (they are "out-of-
|
||||
band") and are therefore not able to
|
||||
be taken advantage of as 2600Hz is.
|
||||
Back to trunks. Let's take a
|
||||
hypothetical phone call. You pick up
|
||||
your fone and dial 1+806-258-1234
|
||||
(your good friend in Armarillo,
|
||||
Texas). For ease, we'll assume that
|
||||
you are on #5 Crossbar switching and
|
||||
not in the 806 area. Your central
|
||||
office (CO) would recognize that
|
||||
806 is a foreign NPA, so it would
|
||||
route the call to the toll centre
|
||||
that serves you. [For the sake of
|
||||
accuracy here, and for the more
|
||||
experienced readers, note that the
|
||||
CO in question is a class 5 with
|
||||
LAMA that uses out-of-band SF
|
||||
supervisory signalling]. Depending
|
||||
on where you are in the country, the
|
||||
call would leave your toll centre
|
||||
(on more trunks) to another toll
|
||||
centre, or office of higher "rank".
|
||||
Then it would be routed to central
|
||||
office 806-258 eventually and the
|
||||
call would be completed. Illustration:
|
||||
|
||||
A---CO1-------TC1------TC2----CO2----B
|
||||
|
||||
A=you CO1=your central office
|
||||
TC1=your toll office.
|
||||
TC2=toll office in Amarillo.
|
||||
CO2=806-258 central office.
|
||||
B=your friend (806-258-1234)
|
||||
|
||||
In this situation it would be
|
||||
realistic to say that CO2 uses SF
|
||||
in-band (2600Hz) signalling, while
|
||||
all the others use out-of-band
|
||||
signalling (3700Hz). If you don't
|
||||
understand this, don't worry too much.
|
||||
I am pointing this out merely for the
|
||||
sake of accuracy. The point is that
|
||||
while you are connected to 806-258-
|
||||
1234, all those trunks from YOUR
|
||||
central office (CO1) to the 806-258
|
||||
central office (CO2) do *NOT* have
|
||||
2600Hz on them, indicating to the
|
||||
Bell equipment that a call is in
|
||||
progress and the trunks are in use.
|
||||
Now let's say you're tired of
|
||||
talking to your friend in Amarillo
|
||||
(806-258-1234) so you send a 2600Hz
|
||||
down the line. This tone travels down
|
||||
the line to your friend's central
|
||||
office (CO2) where it is detected.
|
||||
However, that CO thinks that the
|
||||
2600Hz is originating from Bell
|
||||
equipment, indicating to it that
|
||||
you've hung up, and thus the trunks
|
||||
are once again idle (with 2600Hz
|
||||
present on them). But actually, you
|
||||
have not hung up, you have fooled the
|
||||
equipment at your friend's CO into
|
||||
thinking you have. Thus,it disconnects
|
||||
him and resets the equipment to
|
||||
prepare for the next call. All this
|
||||
happens very quickly (300-800ms for
|
||||
step-by-step equipment and 150-400ms for other equipment).
|
||||
When you stop sending 2600Hz (after
|
||||
about a second), the equipment thinks
|
||||
that another call is coming towards
|
||||
it (e.g. it thinks the far end has
|
||||
come "off-hook" since the tone has
|
||||
stopped. It could be thought of as a
|
||||
toggle switch: tone --> on hook, no
|
||||
tone -->off hook. Now that you've
|
||||
stopped sending 2600Hz, several things
|
||||
happen:
|
||||
1) A trunk is seized.
|
||||
|
||||
2) A "wink" is sent to the CALLING end
|
||||
from the CALLED end indicating that
|
||||
the CALLED end (trunk) is not ready to
|
||||
receive digits yet.
|
||||
|
||||
3) A register is found and attached
|
||||
to the CALLED end of the trunk within
|
||||
about two seconds (max).
|
||||
|
||||
4) A start-dial signal is sent to the
|
||||
CALLING end from the CALLED end
|
||||
indicating that the CALLED end is
|
||||
ready to receive digits.
|
||||
|
||||
Now, all of this is pretty much
|
||||
transparent to the blue boxer. All he
|
||||
really hears when these four things
|
||||
happen is a <beep><kerchunk>. So,
|
||||
seizure of a trunk would go something
|
||||
like this:
|
||||
|
||||
1> Send a 2600Hz
|
||||
2> Terminate 2600Hz after 1-2 secs.
|
||||
3> [beep][kerchunk]
|
||||
|
||||
Once this happens, you are connected
|
||||
to a tandem that is ready to obey your
|
||||
every command. The next step is to
|
||||
send signalling information in order
|
||||
to place your call. For this you must
|
||||
simulate the signalling used by
|
||||
operators and automatic toll-dialing
|
||||
equipment for use on trunks. There
|
||||
are mainly two systems, DP and MF.
|
||||
However, DP went out with the dinosaur
|
||||
, so I'll only discuss MF signalling.
|
||||
MF (multi-frequency) signalling is the
|
||||
signalling used by the majority of the
|
||||
inter- and intra-lata network. It is
|
||||
also used in international dialing
|
||||
known as the CCITT no.5 system.
|
||||
MF signalling consists of 7 frequen-
|
||||
cies, beginning with 700Hz and
|
||||
separated by 200Hz. A different set of
|
||||
two of the 7 frequencies represent the
|
||||
digits 0 thru 9, plus an additional 5
|
||||
special keys. The frequencies and uses
|
||||
are as follows:
|
||||
|
||||
Frequencies (Hz) Domestic Int'l
|
||||
--------------------------------------
|
||||
700+900 1 1
|
||||
700+1100 2 2
|
||||
900+1100 3 3
|
||||
700+1300 4 4
|
||||
900+1300 5 5
|
||||
1100+1300 6 6
|
||||
700+1500 7 7
|
||||
900+1500 8 8
|
||||
1100+1500 9 9
|
||||
1300+1500 0 0
|
||||
|
||||
700+1700 ST3p Code 11
|
||||
900+1700 STp Code 12
|
||||
1100+1700 KP KP1
|
||||
1300+1700 ST2p KP2
|
||||
1500+1700 ST ST
|
||||
|
||||
The timing of all the MF signals is
|
||||
a nominal 60ms, except for KP, which
|
||||
should have a duration of 100ms. There
|
||||
should also be a 60ms silent period
|
||||
between digits. This is very flexible,
|
||||
however, and most Bell equipment will
|
||||
accept outrageous timings.
|
||||
In addition to the standard uses
|
||||
listed above, MF pulsing also has
|
||||
expanded usages known as "expanded
|
||||
inband signalling" that include such
|
||||
things as coin collect, coin return,
|
||||
ringback, operator attached, and
|
||||
operator released. KP2, code 11, and
|
||||
code 12 and the ST_ps (STart "primes")
|
||||
all have special uses which will be
|
||||
mentioned only briefly here.
|
||||
To complete a call using a blue box,
|
||||
once seizure of a trunk has been
|
||||
accomplished by sending 2600Hz and
|
||||
pausing for the <beep><kerchunk>, one
|
||||
must first send a KP. This readies the
|
||||
register for the digits that follow.
|
||||
For a standard domestic call, the KP
|
||||
would be followed by either 7 digits
|
||||
(if the call were in the same NPA as
|
||||
the seized trunk) or 10 digits (if the
|
||||
call were not in the same NPA as the
|
||||
seized trunk). [Exactly like dialing a
|
||||
normal fone call]. Following either
|
||||
the KP and 7 or 10 digits, a STart is
|
||||
sent to signify that no more digits
|
||||
follow. Example of a complete call:
|
||||
|
||||
1> Dial 1-806-258-1234
|
||||
2> wait for a call-progress
|
||||
indication (such as ring, busy,
|
||||
recording, etc.)
|
||||
3> Send 2600Hz for about 1 second.
|
||||
4> Wait for about 2 seconds while a
|
||||
trunk is seized.
|
||||
5> Send KP+305+994+9966+ST
|
||||
|
||||
The call will then connect if every-
|
||||
thing was done properly. Note that if
|
||||
a call to an 806 number were being
|
||||
placed in the same situation, the area
|
||||
code would be omitted and only KP+
|
||||
seven digits+ST would be sent.
|
||||
Code 11 and code 12 are used in
|
||||
international calling to request
|
||||
certain types of operators. KP2 is
|
||||
used in international calling to route
|
||||
a call other than by way of the normal
|
||||
route, whether for economic or
|
||||
equipment reasons.
|
||||
STp, ST2p, and ST3p (prime, two
|
||||
prime, and three prime) are used in
|
||||
TSPS signalling to indicate calling
|
||||
type of call (such as coin-direct
|
||||
dialed).
|
||||
This has been Part I of Better
|
||||
Homes and Blue Boxing. I hope you
|
||||
enjoyed and learned from it. If you
|
||||
have any questions, comments, threats
|
||||
or insults, please fell free to drop
|
||||
me a line. If you have noticed any
|
||||
errors in this text (yes, it does
|
||||
happen), please let me know and
|
||||
perhaps a correction will be in order.
|
||||
Part II will deal mainly with more
|
||||
advanced principles of blue boxing,
|
||||
as well as routings and operators.
|
||||
|
||||
Note 1: other highly trunkable
|
||||
areas include: 816,305,813,609,205.
|
||||
I personally have excellent luck
|
||||
boxing off of 609-953-0000. Try that
|
||||
if you have any trouble.
|
||||
......................................
|
||||
(c) January 7, 1985 Mark Tabas
|
||||
......................................
|
||||
$$LOD$LOD$LOD$LOD$LOD$LOD$LOD$LOD$LOD$
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------
|
||||
: Written for: :
|
||||
: :
|
||||
: K.A.O.S. :
|
||||
: :
|
||||
: at :
|
||||
: :
|
||||
: 215-xxx-xxxx :
|
||||
: :
|
||||
----------------------
|
||||
|
||||
|
87
textfiles.com/100/billrights.fun
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87
textfiles.com/100/billrights.fun
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@@ -0,0 +1,87 @@
|
||||
Bill of Rights Lite
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Amendment I
|
||||
|
||||
Congress shall encourage the practice of Judeo-Christian religion by
|
||||
its own public exercise there of, and shall make no laws abridging the
|
||||
freedom of responsible speech (unless such speech is in a digital form or
|
||||
contains material that is copyrighted, classified, proprietary or offensive
|
||||
to non-Europeans, non-males, differently abled or alternativley prefferenced
|
||||
persons), or the right of people to peaceably assemble (unless such assembly
|
||||
takes place on corporate or military property or within an electronic
|
||||
environment), or to petition the government for redress of grievances (unless
|
||||
such grievances relate to national security).
|
||||
|
||||
Amendment II
|
||||
|
||||
A well-regulated militia having become irrelevant to the security of a free
|
||||
state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms against one another
|
||||
shall remain uninfringed (excepting such arms as may be afforded by the
|
||||
poor or those prefferred by pushers, terrorists and organized criminals
|
||||
which shall be banned).
|
||||
|
||||
Amendment III
|
||||
|
||||
No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the
|
||||
owners consent, unless that house is thought to have been used for the
|
||||
distrabution of illegal substances.
|
||||
|
||||
Amendment IV
|
||||
|
||||
The right of the people to be secure in thier persons, houses, papers, and
|
||||
the effects against unreasonable searches and seizures many be suspended
|
||||
to protect public welfare. Upon the unsupported suspicion of law enforcement
|
||||
officials, any place or conveyance shall be subject to immediate search, and
|
||||
any such places or conveyances, or property within them may be permanently
|
||||
confiscated without further judicial proceeding.
|
||||
|
||||
Admendment V
|
||||
|
||||
Any person may be held to answer for a capital or otherwise infamous involving
|
||||
illicit substances, terrorism or upon any suspicion whatever, and may be
|
||||
subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb (once
|
||||
by the state courts, once by the Federal judiciary), and may be compelled by
|
||||
various means (including the forced submission of breath samples, bodily
|
||||
fluids, or encryption keys) to be a witness against himself, refusal to do so
|
||||
constituting an admission of guilt, and may be deprived of life, liberty,
|
||||
or property without furthor legal delay, and any private property thereby
|
||||
forfieted shall be dedicated to the discretionary use of the law-enforcement
|
||||
agents without just compensation.
|
||||
|
||||
Amendment VI
|
||||
|
||||
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to speedy
|
||||
and private plea-bargaining before entering a plea of guilty. The accused
|
||||
is entitled to the assistance of underpaid and indifferent counsel to
|
||||
negotiate his sentence, except where such sentence falls under manitory
|
||||
sentencing requirements.
|
||||
|
||||
Amendment VII
|
||||
|
||||
In suits at common law where the contesting parties have nearly unlimited
|
||||
resources to spend on legal fees the right to trial by jury shall be
|
||||
preserved
|
||||
|
||||
Amendment VIII
|
||||
|
||||
Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that dangerous criminals will
|
||||
remain in custody, where cruel and unusual punishments are ussually inflicted.
|
||||
|
||||
Amendment IX
|
||||
|
||||
Teh enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights shall not be construed
|
||||
to deny or disparage other that may be retained bt the government to preserve
|
||||
public order, family values, or national security.
|
||||
|
||||
Amendment X
|
||||
|
||||
The powers not delgated to the United States by the Constitution are reserved
|
||||
for to the departments of Justice and Treasury, except when the states are
|
||||
willing to forsake Federal financing.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Written by John Perry Barlow, a lyricist for the Gratefull Dead and cofounder
|
||||
of the EFF. First printed by the New York Times and then re-printed by
|
||||
Playboy magazine.
|
146
textfiles.com/100/black.box
Normal file
146
textfiles.com/100/black.box
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,146 @@
|
||||
E**************************************
|
||||
* *
|
||||
* How to build a BLACK BOX *
|
||||
* *
|
||||
***************************************
|
||||
|
||||
To all who dare --
|
||||
|
||||
What is a BLACK BOX? A BLACK BOX
|
||||
is a device that is hooked up to your
|
||||
fone that fixes your fone so that when
|
||||
you get a call, the caller doesn't get
|
||||
charged for the call. This is good for
|
||||
calls up to 1/2 hour, after 1/2 hour
|
||||
the Fone Co. gets suspicious, and then
|
||||
you can guess what happens.
|
||||
|
||||
What this little beauty does is
|
||||
keep the line voltage from dropping to
|
||||
10v when you answer your fone. The
|
||||
line is insted kept at 36v and it will
|
||||
make the fone think that it is still
|
||||
ringing while your talking. The reason
|
||||
for the 1/2 hour time limit is that the
|
||||
Fone CO. thinks that something is wrong
|
||||
after 1/2 an hour of ringing.
|
||||
|
||||
All parts are available Radio
|
||||
Shack. Using the least possible parts
|
||||
and arangement, the cost is $0.98 !!!!
|
||||
And that is parts for two of them!
|
||||
Talk about a deal! If you want to
|
||||
splurge then you can get a small PC
|
||||
board, and a switch. There are two
|
||||
schematics for this box, one is for
|
||||
most normal fones. The second one is
|
||||
for fones that don't work with the
|
||||
first. It was made for use with a Bell
|
||||
Trimline touch tone fone.
|
||||
|
||||
** Schematic 1 for most fones **
|
||||
** LED ON: BOX ON **
|
||||
|
||||
FROM >--------------------GREEN-> TO
|
||||
LINE >--! 1.8k LED !---RED--> FONE
|
||||
!--/\/\/\--!>--!
|
||||
! !
|
||||
------>/<-------
|
||||
SPST
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Parts: 1 1.8k 1/2 watt resistor
|
||||
1 1.5v LED
|
||||
1 SPST switch
|
||||
|
||||
You may just have two wires which you
|
||||
connect together for the switch.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
** Schematic 2 for all fones **
|
||||
** LED ON: BOX OFF **
|
||||
|
||||
FROM >---------------GREEN-> TO
|
||||
LINE >------- ---RED--> FONE
|
||||
! LED !
|
||||
-->/<--!>--
|
||||
! !
|
||||
---/\/\/---
|
||||
1.8k
|
||||
<EFBFBD>Parts: 1 2 watt resistor
|
||||
1 1.5v LED
|
||||
1 DPST switch
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Here is the PC board layout that I
|
||||
recommend using. It is neat and is
|
||||
very easy to hook up.
|
||||
|
||||
Schematic #1 Schematic #2
|
||||
|
||||
************** ****************
|
||||
* * * ------- *
|
||||
* --<LED>--- * * ! ! *
|
||||
* ! ! * * ! <SWITCH> *
|
||||
* RESISTOR ! * * ! ! ! *
|
||||
* ! ! * * ! ! / *
|
||||
* -------- ! * * ! ! \ *
|
||||
* ! ! * * ! <LED>! / *
|
||||
* --SWITCH-- * * ! ! \ *
|
||||
* ! ! * * ! ! / *
|
||||
L * ! ! * F L * ! ! ! * F
|
||||
I>RED- -RED>O I>RED- ---RED>O
|
||||
N>-----GREEN---->N N>-----GREEN------>N
|
||||
E * h * E E * * E
|
||||
************** ****************
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Once you have hooked up all the
|
||||
parts, you must figure out what set of
|
||||
wires go to the line and which go to
|
||||
the fone. This is because of the fact
|
||||
that LED's must be put in, in a certain
|
||||
direction. Depending on which way you
|
||||
put the LED is what controls what wires
|
||||
are for the line & fone.
|
||||
|
||||
How to find out:
|
||||
|
||||
Hook up the box in one direction
|
||||
using one set offor line and the
|
||||
other for fone.
|
||||
|
||||
*NOTE* For Model I switch should be OFF.
|
||||
*NOTE* For Model ][ switch should be
|
||||
set to side connecting the led.
|
||||
|
||||
Once you have hooked it up, then
|
||||
pick up the fone and see if the LED is
|
||||
on. If it is, the LED will be lit. If
|
||||
is doesn't light then switch the wires
|
||||
and try again. Once you know which are
|
||||
which then label them. *NOTE* - If
|
||||
neither directions worked then your
|
||||
<EFBFBD>lable the switch in its current
|
||||
position as BOX ON.
|
||||
|
||||
How to use it:
|
||||
|
||||
The purpose of this box is not to
|
||||
poeple who call you so it would make
|
||||
sence that it can only be used to
|
||||
receive! calls. When the box is *ON*
|
||||
then you may only recieve calls. Your
|
||||
fone will ring like normal and the LED
|
||||
on the box will flash. If you answer
|
||||
the fone now, then the LED will
|
||||
light and the caller will not be charged.
|
||||
Hang up the fone after you are done
|
||||
talking like normal. You will not be
|
||||
able to get a dial-tone or call when
|
||||
the box is on, so turn the box *OFF*
|
||||
for normal calls. I don't recommend
|
||||
that you leave it on all the time, as
|
||||
you don't want it to answer when Ma
|
||||
Bell calls!
|
117
textfiles.com/100/bofh.1
Normal file
117
textfiles.com/100/bofh.1
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,117 @@
|
||||
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #1
|
||||
|
||||
It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have
|
||||
it's advantages. I assign the tape device to null - it's so much more
|
||||
economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes every
|
||||
5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad.
|
||||
|
||||
A user rings
|
||||
|
||||
"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask
|
||||
|
||||
"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's excuse ".. clock
|
||||
speed"
|
||||
|
||||
"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied) "Do you know
|
||||
when it will be fixed?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you. Don't be
|
||||
so selfish - logout now and give someone else a chance!"
|
||||
|
||||
"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of
|
||||
Laser Print.."
|
||||
|
||||
"SURE YOU DO. Well; You just keep telling yourself that buddy!" I hang up.
|
||||
|
||||
Sheesh, you'd really think people would learn not to call!
|
||||
|
||||
The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me. I put on a
|
||||
gruff voice
|
||||
|
||||
"HELLO, SALARIES!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"
|
||||
|
||||
"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone calls cost
|
||||
money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted
|
||||
time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By
|
||||
the time I've finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME - AND
|
||||
DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!"
|
||||
|
||||
I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's obviously going to
|
||||
try and get an alibi by being at the Dean's office. I look up his username
|
||||
and find his department. I ring the Dean's secretary.
|
||||
|
||||
"Hello?" she answers
|
||||
|
||||
"Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE
|
||||
IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?"
|
||||
|
||||
"I think so..." she says
|
||||
|
||||
"TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'"
|
||||
|
||||
"Um. Ok"
|
||||
|
||||
"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE
|
||||
IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO THE PUURITY TEST IN IT..."
|
||||
|
||||
I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...
|
||||
|
||||
"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD GIRL AND PASS THE MESSAGE ON"
|
||||
|
||||
She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I was just guessing
|
||||
about the purity test thing. I grab a quick copy anyway, it might make for
|
||||
some good late-night reading.
|
||||
|
||||
Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology
|
||||
is wonderful, isn't it?
|
||||
|
||||
Another user rings.
|
||||
|
||||
"I need more space" he says
|
||||
|
||||
"Well, why don't you move to Texas?" I ask
|
||||
|
||||
"No, on my account, stupid."
|
||||
|
||||
Stupid?!?.... Uh-Oh..
|
||||
|
||||
"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy Stewart
|
||||
in a Family Matinee "I didn't quite catch that. What was it that you said?"
|
||||
|
||||
I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too late, he's a goner
|
||||
and he knows it.
|
||||
|
||||
"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*"
|
||||
|
||||
"Sure, hang on"
|
||||
|
||||
I hear him gasp his relief even though he covered the mouthpeice.
|
||||
|
||||
"There, you've got plenty of space now"
|
||||
|
||||
"How much have I got"
|
||||
|
||||
Now this REALLY *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want me to give them
|
||||
extra disk, they want to check it, to correct me if I don't give them enough.
|
||||
They should be happy with what I give them *and that's it*!!!
|
||||
|
||||
Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.
|
||||
|
||||
"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"
|
||||
|
||||
"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says pleased with his bargaining power
|
||||
|
||||
"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red, at room temperature "4 Meg in
|
||||
total..."
|
||||
|
||||
"Huh?... I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?"
|
||||
|
||||
I say nothing. It'll come to him.
|
||||
|
||||
"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhH!"
|
||||
|
||||
I kill me; I really do!
|
||||
|
||||
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
|
Reference in New Issue
Block a user