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textfiles.com/humor/REAL/anklebyt.txt
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textfiles.com/humor/REAL/anklebyt.txt
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|
||||
The Real Anklebyter's guide.
|
||||
|
||||
Due to the immense popularity towards the many "real" files, I have
|
||||
decided to compile a guide which shows what NOT to do to become a
|
||||
better user. Since I have not been an anklebiter for many a year, I
|
||||
find it fitting that I should write such a file.
|
||||
|
||||
First, for those of you who are not familliar with the term
|
||||
"anklebiter", I will define it;
|
||||
|
||||
ANKLEBITER: One who has not owned a modem for more than 6 months, and
|
||||
asks annoying questions about how to use it. Anklebiters cannot be
|
||||
blamed for their actions, because they just dont know any better.
|
||||
|
||||
ANKLEBYTER: One who acts immature, and generally retarded on BBS's.
|
||||
Anklebyters are hated by everyone (exept by other anklebyters, as
|
||||
anklebyters tend to stick together) Anklebyters must be set straight
|
||||
or they will eventually poison the minds of anklebiters.
|
||||
|
||||
Since we all were anklebiters at one time, I will direct this guide
|
||||
towards anklebyters, as there seems to be a large flood of them these
|
||||
days.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
HOW TO SPOT AN ANKLEBYTER
|
||||
-------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters can be of any age but are usually 12 or 13.
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters leave a "Pleeeze send me E-mail!!!" message at
|
||||
least once a week.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Only real anklebyters reply to such messages.
|
||||
|
||||
Real sysop's, when spotting real anklebyters, delete them at once.
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters think that Half duplex is a small two family house.
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters hardly ever run BBS's, exept in rare occasions such
|
||||
as the case of Lyle Lexier.
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters cannot ever be real pirates or real sysops.
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters can be true leeches, or unreal system crashers, and
|
||||
usually are.
|
||||
|
||||
When calling BBS's with 20+ message bases, real anklebyters always
|
||||
complain on the bitch board that there aren't enough.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real sysops don't run BBS's with more than 13 message
|
||||
bases anyway.
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters have at least 5 different pseudo's.
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters name themselves after the t.v. shows they watch.
|
||||
(I.E. Pa Ingalls, Scrappy Doo, Jr. Frisky Frolic)
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real anklebyters never miss an episode of STAMPEDE
|
||||
WRESTLING.
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters try to get others to like them by setting up clubs
|
||||
populated solely by their many pseudo's.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real anklebyters name their anklebyter clubs after them
|
||||
sound powerful. (I.E. Neo-nazi's, Resistance fighters, Jedi Knights,
|
||||
9" pricks)
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters pronounce "Sysop" SIGH-SOP. (Note: Correct
|
||||
pronunciation is SIS-OP)
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real anklebyters think SIGH-SOP is a new type of barbeque
|
||||
sauce.
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters are always posting messages about what rock groups
|
||||
they listen to.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real anklebyters listen to Heavy Metal because they think
|
||||
people will like them if they do.
|
||||
|
||||
When a Real anklebyter achieves a measley access level of 2, he
|
||||
considers himself more socially valuable than an anklebiter with level
|
||||
1.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real anklebyters are always accusing others of being
|
||||
anklebyters.
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters watch POLICE STORY, and EYE ON HOLLYWOOD, when
|
||||
everyone else is watching LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN.
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters try to sell games that foolish pirates gave to
|
||||
them.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Poor anklebiters, not knowing any better, buy such games.
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters use the family's computer.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Anklebyterness is hereditary so any brothers or sisters
|
||||
they have are usually anklebyters too.
|
||||
|
||||
When on backspacing boards, Real anklebyters say "This message will
|
||||
erase itself" at the end of a message, then proceed to waste
|
||||
everyone's time by backspacing over the whole message (And knowing
|
||||
anklebyters, its around 90 lines of irrelevant shit).
|
||||
|
||||
When on the local Bitch Board, real anklebyters always complain that
|
||||
there are never any new messages.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: The reason there is never any new messages is because
|
||||
real anklebyters sit by their computer all day signing on to BBS's at
|
||||
least 4 times a day each. Not enabling any new messages to be posted.
|
||||
|
||||
Everytime a Real anklebyter signs onto a BBS, the first thing he
|
||||
does is call for chat; even if last time he chatted with the sysop,
|
||||
the sysop booted him off.
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters type in upper case.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real anklebyters refer to upper case as "Big letters",
|
||||
and lower case as "Small letters"
|
||||
|
||||
When overhearing a Real Hacker discussing the p/w to some new
|
||||
system, Real anklebyters use the info and always mess things up for
|
||||
Real Hackers.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real anklebyters always brag about being hackers, when
|
||||
their really just dick smackers.
|
||||
|
||||
When running a BBS, Real anklebyters always cut in for chat, and
|
||||
sometimes when people say "I dont want to chat with you" they start to
|
||||
cry and threaten to delete your User I.D.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Only Real anklebyters care if he does it or not.
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters use at least 9 exlemation points at the end of
|
||||
their sentances.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real anklebyters hardly ever make Real sentances anyway.
|
||||
|
||||
Real anklebyters randomly pick people out of the user list to send
|
||||
E-mail to.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Only Real anklebyters reply to such messages, unless they
|
||||
are telling the anklebyter to fuck off.
|
||||
|
||||
When reading files like this, and discovering they fit the
|
||||
description given, Real anklebyters begin to cry.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
GEORGE/AKA MR. MODEM MAN: PORTRAIT OF AN ANKLEBYTER
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Hooking up a computer wasn't nearly as hard as George thought it
|
||||
would be. He simply plugged it in according to the diagram. Soon
|
||||
George was ready to start gaming! He had leeched a few games from his
|
||||
pals at school, and one of them told him to get a modem. George
|
||||
didn't know what a modem was, but because of the cute name, George
|
||||
asked his parents. Naturally they agreed to buy George the best modem
|
||||
on the market, the micromodem IIe! after getting the best deal in
|
||||
town, George and his family came home $400 poorer... but at least they
|
||||
had a micromodem! The man at the store had been so nice, he gave
|
||||
George a list of phone numbers he could call with his new modem.
|
||||
George listened in on the extension after dialing one of the numbers
|
||||
off of his list. Someone picked up the phone, so George announced
|
||||
"Hello! I just got a modem, is this a modem num-" George was cut off
|
||||
by a terrible noise which blared at him through the handset. In
|
||||
tears, George yelled "That doesn't seem right! Daaaaaad-deeeee!"
|
||||
George's father rushed in to see what was wrong. George told him the
|
||||
whole thing...
|
||||
|
||||
"Why don't we see if there was any damage done to the computer
|
||||
Georgie? then if anything went wrong we can get it fixed and have it
|
||||
back by morning!" his father comforted him. Walking into the bedroom,
|
||||
which was littered with lego's and G.I. Joe action figures, they
|
||||
noticed something was happening on the screen.
|
||||
|
||||
ENTER U.I.D. OR NEW ==
|
||||
|
||||
It said, waiting for a reply. George was over joyed as he reached
|
||||
up to hug his father. Then he settled down at the keyboard to see if
|
||||
he could hack into this system.
|
||||
|
||||
U.I.D.
|
||||
|
||||
George entered, knowing it would work, because he was a hacker. It
|
||||
didn't work, but George shrugged it off, after all, he was just
|
||||
starting, it could take 5 or 10 minutes before he got in... Getting a
|
||||
brilliant idea, George entered
|
||||
|
||||
NEW
|
||||
|
||||
It worked! He applied for a P/W and soon realized that this wasn't
|
||||
a private system after all! He laughed in his shrill voice and leaned
|
||||
over to turn his computer off. It was 8:00 pm, his bedtime, and he
|
||||
needed rest because by tomorrow he would be validated!
|
||||
|
||||
The next day George asked his parents if he could stay home from
|
||||
school to use his modem. They agreed happily, and once again George
|
||||
sat down at the computer and dialed that number. This time he did not
|
||||
fall for that tricky log on procedure, and was on line within seconds!
|
||||
George browsed through the BBS and decided to leave a message.
|
||||
|
||||
From: Mr. Modem Man Date: Tue Feb 16th 1986
|
||||
|
||||
HI EVERYONE! I JUST GOT MY MODEM! I WANT TO TRADE SOFTWARES!PLEASE
|
||||
LEAVE ME E-MAILS!!! I NEED E-MAILS!!! HA HA HA !!! HI MR. SYSOP, ARE
|
||||
YOU WATCHING ME? HA HA HA!
|
||||
.S
|
||||
*.SS
|
||||
SAVE
|
||||
HOW DO I END THIS THING???
|
||||
HA HA!! YES
|
||||
-S
|
||||
HA HA AH AH HA HA!!!!
|
||||
|
||||
(millions of carriage returns)
|
||||
|
||||
George called back ten minutes later, expecting a reply. No one had
|
||||
called. He decided to take it upon himself to notify the sysop of the
|
||||
lack of callers, so he selected the chat with sysop function. A few
|
||||
minutes later the sysop broke in.
|
||||
|
||||
--- Sysop here ---
|
||||
Yes?
|
||||
|
||||
HI I'M MR.MODEM MAN WANNA TRADE?HA HA!
|
||||
|
||||
Umm, sure I have nothing better to do.
|
||||
|
||||
OK!!!!A!! THANX DUDE!!!!!
|
||||
|
||||
Ok, what kind of modem do you have?
|
||||
|
||||
A MICROMODEM!!!! IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS!
|
||||
|
||||
Yeah sure...
|
||||
|
||||
IT IS!!! (George banged on his cheap clone keyboard which sent several
|
||||
keys plummeting to the floor.)
|
||||
|
||||
Ok whatever you say ...Do you have AE...
|
||||
|
||||
(George glanced at his keyboard, noticing that his A,U, and I key were
|
||||
currently scattered among his lego's. George said;)
|
||||
|
||||
WELL MY A KEY IS ON THE FLOOR!!!!HAAHA!
|
||||
|
||||
Fuck you asshole...
|
||||
-- Sysop out --
|
||||
|
||||
George began to cry.Never before had he been called such names...
|
||||
it didn't matter though, that guy was just jealous of his modem, thats
|
||||
all!
|
||||
|
||||
()()()( - ONE WEEK LATER - )()()()
|
||||
|
||||
George considered himself a professional hacker/phreaker/pirate
|
||||
now, and tomorrow the sysop was coming over to his house to trade
|
||||
games!
|
||||
|
||||
The next day, at exactly 7:00 pm there was a knock on the door.
|
||||
George answered, expecting to see someone about his age. (12) instead,
|
||||
he was surprised to see that the person which he had been talking to
|
||||
earlier was 17 and carried what appeared to be a baseball bat.
|
||||
|
||||
"Hi! Are you that loser who's going to give me some games?! Ha ha
|
||||
ha!" The figure casually stepped inside without saying a word.
|
||||
Proceding to George's bedroom, he glanced into the kitchen to see if
|
||||
any family members were around.
|
||||
|
||||
"Are your parents home?" he asked, as George skipped happily into
|
||||
his room.
|
||||
|
||||
"No, I can stay all by myself now!!! Ha ha ha!!" George giggled as
|
||||
he turned on his computer.
|
||||
|
||||
"Good that makes it easier" The person at the doorway said.
|
||||
|
||||
"Yeah," George replied "So we can trade wares!!!!!! You can play
|
||||
with some of my G.I. Joe figures while this loads, if you want to."
|
||||
|
||||
"It's ok, I'm not into that kind of thing..."
|
||||
|
||||
"Whats your name?" George inquired as the words "LOCKSMITH 5.0
|
||||
WRITTEN BY MR. MODEM MAN" appeared on the screen.
|
||||
|
||||
"Never mind," the figure said in a deep, cold voice "Sector edited
|
||||
your name into Locksmith eh?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Yeah!!!" George announced proudly "Bet you couldn't do that!!!!!!"
|
||||
|
||||
George's parents were down the street having dinner at the Jone's
|
||||
house. They had drank a little too much Sherry, so were unable to hear
|
||||
poor little George's screams of terror.
|
||||
|
||||
The bat came down swiftly onto Georges computer, producing a sharp
|
||||
crack, unlike the sound George's head had made not two minutes
|
||||
earlier. As the lone figure walked out of the house, and down the
|
||||
street, George's dog trotted into the room. Rover was a Saint
|
||||
Bernard, and his favorite pass time was consuming fresh meat. After
|
||||
chewing the last of the tender flesh, Rover curled up on George's bed
|
||||
and had a nice, deep sleep.
|
||||
BIN
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/bangers.txt
Normal file
BIN
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/bangers.txt
Normal file
Binary file not shown.
128
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/compnerd.hum
Normal file
128
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/compnerd.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,128 @@
|
||||
DEGPUG TEXT FILE CO. presents....
|
||||
|
||||
-------------------------
|
||||
HOW TO BE A COMPUTER NERD
|
||||
-------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
By Pointdexter Smallpecker
|
||||
|
||||
NOTE: THIS FILE IS THE SUPPLEMENT TO THE FILE ' THE COMPLETE COMPUTER
|
||||
NERD DICTIONARY ' also by DEGPUG TEXT FILE CO.
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds are nerds.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds have IBMPC-AT or APPLE ///'s with at least 256k and a hard
|
||||
drive.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds hunch at the keyboard
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds know LISP
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds get hard-ons in class.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds spend time in the computer center at lunch instead of going
|
||||
to the football ralley
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds tell their friend they hate girls but which is a lie.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real computer nerds are virgins.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds only T.P. jocks house.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds eat sugar.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds forget to take off their Bell helmets when going to class,
|
||||
thus walk into 1st period, the helmet still securly buckled
|
||||
to their head.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds don't call the Haunted House - no real programming boards
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds don't waste their time on Role playing games.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds subscribe to BYTE, COMPUTE and go to Tower Records to read
|
||||
Hustler.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds call PICONET and DATATECH.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds jack off with vaseline.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds wear jockstraps over their underwear to school.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds use soap by accident inplace of shampoo.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds forget to comb their hair.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds forget the magnet to their magnet lock on their locker at
|
||||
school.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds listen to Doctor Demento.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds digitize centerfolds. COROLLARY: real computer nerds
|
||||
collect ASCII nudes.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds are interested in the subject of welding.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds have read 'tits for free' text file.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds sniff magic markers for kicks.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds use slide rules on tests where calculators are not allowed
|
||||
Corallary: Real computer nerds have 200 doallar h.p.
|
||||
calcualators
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds don't hack/phreak/ or pirate. Too busy programming.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerds will eventually make a million dollars when they grow up,
|
||||
let cheap women with bad spending habbits take advantage of
|
||||
them, and blow all their money on the latter.
|
||||
|
||||
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes are nerds.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes tell their friends they hate boys but this is a lie.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes dont get their periods 'till they're 17.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdetttes don't necessary wear glasses.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes shop a K-MART.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes eat olvies and maynoaise plain.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes aren't attracted to real computer nerds.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes are interested in the subject of botany.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes foget to wear panty hose when they wear a dress.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes read CQ, PLAYGIRL and JACK&JILL.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes program in PASPAL.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes write graphics programs.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes listen to Country Joe & the Fish, Sly and the family
|
||||
Stone and the Knack.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes make passes at gay men.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes phreak so they can make Alliance calls. COROALLRY:
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes give their phone # to every
|
||||
guy.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer nerdettes will eventually make a million dollars when they grow
|
||||
up, blow it on a lot of clothes and retire to be
|
||||
housewives.
|
||||
|
||||
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------
|
||||
CALL THE HAUNTED HOUSE at 941-7256
|
||||
-----------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
(C) 1986 DEGPUG TEXT FILE CO.
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
47
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/engineer.txt
Normal file
47
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/engineer.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,47 @@
|
||||
Real Engineers...
|
||||
|
||||
Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match
|
||||
|
||||
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screw- drivers for their
|
||||
birthday.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're
|
||||
lazy.
|
||||
|
||||
Real engineers have a non-technial vocbulary of 800 words.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt
|
||||
size.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, tele- visions, watches,
|
||||
and automatic transmissions.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Farenheit, 25 degrees Celius, and 298
|
||||
degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
|
||||
|
||||
Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a con- versation with a dail
|
||||
tone or busy signal.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note
|
||||
is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
|
||||
|
||||
Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their
|
||||
name on it and an office with a window.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before
|
||||
making a bird bath.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Philips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum
|
||||
Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
|
||||
|
||||
-- Anonymous --
|
||||
|
||||
--
|
||||
118
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/k00ld00d.txt
Normal file
118
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/k00ld00d.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,118 @@
|
||||
|
||||
+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+
|
||||
+ The History of Real +
|
||||
+ K-K00L DOODS +
|
||||
+ Written & Complied +
|
||||
+ By: The Edge +
|
||||
+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+
|
||||
Call These:
|
||||
(415)851-4143 Pw:FOX The Fox Hole Ae
|
||||
(415)941-7256 The Haunted House
|
||||
+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+
|
||||
|
||||
Edge here, I just wanted to tell y'all that this t-file is all about K-K00L
|
||||
DOODS and is formally dedicated to users with K-K00L habits.
|
||||
Well, enough with all the mumble-jumble, let's get started!
|
||||
|
||||
+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+
|
||||
|
||||
First, What is a K-K00L DOOD?
|
||||
|
||||
A K-K00L DOOD is an organism of the human species which has a mysterious
|
||||
attraction to a micro chip processor. They are quite anti-social. The following
|
||||
is a list of K-K00L DOOD characteristics.....
|
||||
|
||||
(1) Anti sociality(Ex:They usually hang up when a sysop wants their Apple II+ can't
|
||||
handle stuff like that)
|
||||
|
||||
As you can see, this organism must lead a pathetic life. The following story
|
||||
is a dramatization of a K-K00L DOOD:
|
||||
|
||||
Hark! It is 1:38 A.M.! No one is moving in the Smith house. But wait! There
|
||||
is little Eggbert Smith tip-toeing through the hallway! Why must the little
|
||||
fellow be alert at this time of night? For you see, Eggbert is a K-K00L DOOD
|
||||
and it is his duty to call the local 10-meg Ae and leech every little ware he
|
||||
can get his little hands on! He puts a pillow over his computer so it won't
|
||||
make too much noise when it boots up. He enters the password!Acess at last!
|
||||
But what is this? The sysop goes onto chat mode and asks,"Who is this?"
|
||||
Little Eggbert (Who is SO nervous that he is jumping around the floor in
|
||||
his choo-choo train P.J.s so he won't wet his pants) carefully types the name:
|
||||
|
||||
"Dr. Micro"
|
||||
|
||||
Who ,in fact, is a famous software pirate. The sysop naturally disbelieves him
|
||||
and hangs him up.Poor little Eggbert! He has nothing to do but call his only
|
||||
friend "Irving". Naturally, Irving is awake because he too tried to leech off
|
||||
an ae and got kicked off. The obviously talk through the modem because they are
|
||||
too scared to talk to each other voice. Here is how their message went:
|
||||
|
||||
HELLO? DR. IRVING? R U THAIR?
|
||||
|
||||
HELLO? THE GRIM EGGBERT? IZ THAT U?
|
||||
|
||||
YES! O AM EYE GLAD I FOUND U!!!1!!11111!11!!!!
|
||||
|
||||
(Ed note:Sorry to bother you but i'll just put a "*" to every lie they make)
|
||||
|
||||
HA!!!!!!!HA!!!!!!!HA!!!!111!!!111HA!!!!!!111!11!!!1!!!111!K-K00L! U R SUCH A
|
||||
DOOD!!!!1!!111!!!!!1!!
|
||||
|
||||
WAREZ? U HAV ANY WAREZ?
|
||||
|
||||
YAH. I HAV OLYMPIC DECATHALON! REAL K-K00L WARE!
|
||||
|
||||
* K-K00L! LET'S TRAID! I HAVE ULTIMA 4 AND EVEN ULTIMA 5!
|
||||
|
||||
* SORRY DOOD...BUT CINDY IS AT MY LEFT....SHE'S JUST TUGGING ME TO GO INTO
|
||||
THE FERRARI! I CAN'T DOOO ANY K-K00L TRADING....U KNOW HOW IT IZ!!!!1!1!111!
|
||||
|
||||
* YEAH I SHUR DO. CAN I TALK TO CINDY?
|
||||
|
||||
* (Eggbert by the way, is still at the computer console)
|
||||
HELLO? THIS IS CINDY! I'M A BLONDE! THE GRIM EGGBERT IS K-K00L!!!1!111!!!!11!
|
||||
|
||||
* (Dr. Irving is blushing and giggling because he's never talked to a "Girl"
|
||||
before.)
|
||||
HYI....HYI...HI THERE...THIS IS DR. IRVING. I'M THE GRIM EGGBERT'S FRIEND
|
||||
|
||||
* OH HI THERE! U WANT 2 CUM OWT WITH ME AND THE GRIM EGGBERT 4 SUM HEAVY DUTY
|
||||
STUFF?
|
||||
|
||||
* SORRY...BUT U SEA....I HAVE A GIRL UV MY OWN...SHE'S PART OF THE ROLLER DERBY
|
||||
U KNOW.....
|
||||
|
||||
* THIS IS THE GRIM EGGBERT AGAIN I HAVE TO GO BYE
|
||||
|
||||
AE: CONNECTION TERMINATED
|
||||
->
|
||||
|
||||
So little Eggbert goes back to bed. Worrying about the fears that lie ahead
|
||||
in life......another day.......another time....
|
||||
|
||||
The K-K00L DOOD epidemic is swiftly plaguing the whole user world with these
|
||||
imbeciles. Symptoms of K-K00L DOODNESS:
|
||||
|
||||
(1)You slowly have the urge to write in UPPER CASE.
|
||||
(2)You want to be a leech.
|
||||
(3)You have the tendency of waking up in the middle of the night
|
||||
(4) You want to be a K-K00L DOOD!
|
||||
|
||||
If you think you are turning into a K-K00L dude, go directly to your local
|
||||
Patriots of America and shout "No nukes!No nukes! Reagan is a Commie! Welfare!
|
||||
Liberality! Commies are really our friends!Love and Peace to all! Gays are
|
||||
people too! A.I.D.S. came from Reagan!Yay!"
|
||||
You will be immediatelly shot to death.
|
||||
|
||||
That concludes this edition of "The History of K-K00L DOODS"
|
||||
|
||||
If anyone out there wants to write a "The History of K-K00L DOODS II" feel
|
||||
free to write it.Fuck! It's 2:39 A.M.! I think i'll call it a night....
|
||||
Before I close up, I'd like to thank the Ascii Assassin for giving me the idea.
|
||||
Also, I'd like to thank lord Gypher for doing nothing at all.
|
||||
|
||||
Thank You and good night!(I'll need it!)
|
||||
|
||||
The Edge of The (M)arinate (H)igh (C)ouncil
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
159
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/killnerd.hum
Normal file
159
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/killnerd.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,159 @@
|
||||
|
||||
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
|
||||
\ Spotting and Killing Nerds /
|
||||
/ \
|
||||
\ by: John Smith /
|
||||
/ - & - \
|
||||
\ Sorcerer's Apprentice /
|
||||
/ \
|
||||
\ 09/30/85 /
|
||||
/ \
|
||||
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
|
||||
|
||||
Lesson I: Spotting a Nerd
|
||||
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
|
||||
|
||||
Nerds hang around war boards trying to act cool by putting down war boards and
|
||||
saying they are a waste of time. (They'd rather spend their time doing their
|
||||
Advanced Calculus III homework.)
|
||||
|
||||
They may also take a different approach and act tough (that is until someone
|
||||
threatens to beat their ass, then they mysteriously disappear.)
|
||||
|
||||
Nerds don't hack or phreak because they're afraid they'd get caught and their
|
||||
mommies would spank them.
|
||||
|
||||
On Suggestion boards, they always suggest a homework board or an intellectual
|
||||
debate board so they can discuss such important topics as: How to Keep Away
|
||||
from Bullies, and How to Fight Inflation.
|
||||
|
||||
Nerds normally use stupid handles like Electronic Whiz, The Cricket, The
|
||||
Brain, Capt. Hook, Mickey Mouse, and Albert Einstein. They may also use names
|
||||
that have nothing to do with their activities or personality such as The Stud,
|
||||
or The Hack-Man.
|
||||
|
||||
They carry around brief cases with important documents on how to solve the
|
||||
latest Calculus problems.
|
||||
|
||||
Nerds normally come from poor families who can only afford a Timex Sinclair
|
||||
but they modify it to make it as powerful as a mainframe.
|
||||
|
||||
Nerds have names like Kevin Smith, Eugene, Waldo, Marvin, Wilbur, Gilbert
|
||||
Poindexter, Myron, Melvin, Norbert, and Homer.
|
||||
|
||||
In every nerd's room is a picture of all their teachers, famous composers like
|
||||
Beethoven, and Albert Einstein (who is their idol). They also have pictures of
|
||||
the latest computers.
|
||||
|
||||
Sometimes a nerd will put up a BBS. These are not too hard to spot.
|
||||
|
||||
1-The name of the board is The School House, The Classroom, The Computer Room,
|
||||
or The Kid Klub.
|
||||
|
||||
2-There are 5 sub-boards dedicated to homework (Calculus, Language Arts,
|
||||
Physics, Biology, and Trigonometry)
|
||||
|
||||
3-The text philes are on Excelling in Math or Language Arts made easy. There
|
||||
are also philes on how to gain the most out of listening to to Beethoven and on
|
||||
the correct procedure for taping glasses.
|
||||
|
||||
4-The board is run on homemade software with one disk drive.
|
||||
|
||||
5-The sysop is ALWAYS around to chat because he has no friends.
|
||||
|
||||
6-All of the games are public domain.
|
||||
|
||||
7-The board may sometimes be busy a lot when there is no one on it. This is
|
||||
because the nerd can't stand to not use his computer for more than 2 hours.
|
||||
|
||||
Some more nerdish features:
|
||||
|
||||
They wear horn-rimmed Coke bottle glasses with lots of white hospital tapes
|
||||
holding them together.
|
||||
|
||||
They are afraid of girls and think they have cooties.
|
||||
|
||||
They buy a stereo so they can listen to Beethoven and Bach.
|
||||
|
||||
Nerds think that Def Leppard is an animal that can't hear and wonder why Ratt
|
||||
is spelled wrong.
|
||||
|
||||
They cried when they saw Revenge of the Nerds, but are going to try out for
|
||||
the sequel.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Lesson II: Destroying a Nerd
|
||||
\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*
|
||||
|
||||
After you have spotted a Nerd, you will probably want to exterminate him (or
|
||||
her) so that society may live better with one less nerd.
|
||||
|
||||
A nerd will usually hangout in the library or the computer room at your
|
||||
school.
|
||||
|
||||
Once spotted move toward the nerd very slowly and with a quick movement remove
|
||||
his glasses. You now have the nerd by the balls (so to speak.)
|
||||
|
||||
First, torture him by stomping on his glasses. Then tell him he got a 'B' on
|
||||
his report card. Break all his pencils and squirt the ink from his pens into
|
||||
his face. (A typical nerds carries at least a dozen pencils and eight pens.)
|
||||
|
||||
Now take him to his school and throw eggs at it and throw a few small hand
|
||||
grenades through the windows (you should now notice him begging you to stop, but
|
||||
you're not through yet...)
|
||||
|
||||
Drag him to his house and destroy his computer, put his disks in the toilet
|
||||
and piss on them. Then take all his Beethoven records and smash them with his
|
||||
violin.
|
||||
|
||||
By now, the nerd will be in a gigantic fit of crying and screaming. If the
|
||||
nerd has not yet had a heart attack, it means you have a strong nerd so you must
|
||||
give him the old Chinese torture
|
||||
...............................
|
||||
......................................
|
||||
......................................
|
||||
......................................
|
||||
......................................
|
||||
|
||||
Tell him that ALBERT EINSTEIN WAS A MYTH!
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Afterword By Sorcerer's Apprentice
|
||||
=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*
|
||||
|
||||
I'm sure we've all grown to hate nerds and we all will appreciate having them
|
||||
killed with the help of this file.
|
||||
|
||||
A wasted...
|
||||
|
||||
===->SORCERER'S APPRENTICE<-===
|
||||
|
||||
Non-Copyright (N)1985 by John Smith
|
||||
and Sorcerer's Apprentice
|
||||
No Rights Reserved
|
||||
|
||||
(In other words you can do whatever the fuck you want with this as long as you
|
||||
don't change it or remove our names)
|
||||
|
||||
/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*
|
||||
Call these boards:
|
||||
|
||||
Inner Realm (Commodore) (313) 278-4832
|
||||
Dark Castle (Apple) (815) 729-0188
|
||||
The Archives (Apple) (815) 344-0481
|
||||
Twilight Phone (Apple) (313) 775-1649
|
||||
Red-Sector-A (Apple) (313) 591-1024
|
||||
|
||||
(The 4 Apple boards all have 10 megs and AE's)
|
||||
|
||||
(One of us can also be reached at one of the above boards if you have any
|
||||
comments.)
|
||||
|
||||
/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*
|
||||
Also call
|
||||
Ware World AE (313) 828-7683
|
||||
4 drives + 128 K RAM
|
||||
/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*/\*/\/*/\*\/*/\*\/*
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
376
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/kooldoo4.txt
Normal file
376
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/kooldoo4.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,376 @@
|
||||
|
||||
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
|
||||
[ ]
|
||||
[ K-K00L D00DS Volume 4 ]
|
||||
[ Written by : The Radioactive Snail ]
|
||||
[ Original credits to : The Edge ]
|
||||
[ ]
|
||||
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
|
||||
|
||||
| Featuring REALtime character mode |
|
||||
| Thanx to : The Kandiman, Dos Boss, and The Linemaster |
|
||||
| No thanx to Captain Kangeroo |
|
||||
| You have three lines to turn your controll show off |
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Ok, here we again join Lynol Leech Jr. in his never ending Leech Quest ...
|
||||
|
||||
APPLE ][
|
||||
|
||||
*3D0G
|
||||
|
||||
]BRUN AE
|
||||
|
||||
(Time passes)
|
||||
|
||||
ASCII EXPRESS "THE PROFESSIONAL"
|
||||
VERSION 2.00 (C) COPYRIGHT 1977 BY
|
||||
SOUTHWESTERN DATA SYSTEMS
|
||||
|
||||
->DIAL : 393-0156
|
||||
AE : DIALING : 393-0156
|
||||
AE : AWAITING CARRIER
|
||||
AE : CONNECT
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
LOGON : HACKER
|
||||
|
||||
WELCOME TO THE RED LIGHT INN
|
||||
|
||||
LOCATION: North Dallas (Coppell)
|
||||
|
||||
Sysop : THE LINEMASTER
|
||||
|
||||
300 BAUD OPERATION
|
||||
1200 BAUD IF THE LINE IS GOOD
|
||||
(PS - DOESN'T HAPPEN OFTEN)
|
||||
|
||||
Accessible : S6 , d1 and d2
|
||||
S5 , d1 and d2
|
||||
Drives S7 , D1, V5 - V35
|
||||
"Yep all them"
|
||||
Don't Sit on this all Day or the line
|
||||
goes back to the old way!!!!!
|
||||
|
||||
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
|
||||
NEW SYSTEM WITH 10 MEG HARD DRIVE
|
||||
T.A.C.L. up soon..... needs some
|
||||
modification..
|
||||
Meanwhile....
|
||||
Use the Hard drive under AE for awhile
|
||||
|
||||
NOTE :
|
||||
SALES OF NEW AVAILABLE ITEMS UP SOON
|
||||
(IF THERE IS SOMETHING YOU WOULD LIKE
|
||||
LET ME KNOW, I WILL SEE IF ITS
|
||||
AVAILABLE)
|
||||
|
||||
APPLE - IBM - MAC - COMMODORE - ATARI
|
||||
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
|
||||
Please upload as often as possible.
|
||||
The users appreciate it. Thank You
|
||||
|
||||
Disclaimer = This sysop is not
|
||||
responsible for anything posted or
|
||||
implied on this ae line.
|
||||
|
||||
(>
|
||||
Current : S7 D1 V5
|
||||
New : V34
|
||||
|
||||
DISK VOLUME 034
|
||||
|
||||
B 171 ULTIMA4(UNDERWORLD)<171>
|
||||
B 069 ULTIMA4(TOWN)<325>
|
||||
T 004 NEED HELP 2
|
||||
T 049 CIA DOCS /F DR WHO
|
||||
B 254 CIA<254>/F/[MR. SANDMAN]
|
||||
T 002 CIA DOCS
|
||||
B 145 ULT4 MAPEDIT<145>
|
||||
T 003 ULT4 MAPEDIT INSTRUCT
|
||||
T 002 TO MR NEED HELP
|
||||
T 008 ULT4 MAPEDIT INSTRUCT (GOOD)
|
||||
T 002 TO HELP PERSON
|
||||
T 003 1 DRIVE MAPEDIT
|
||||
T 003 NEED HELP
|
||||
T 002 TO NEED HELP
|
||||
T 002 QUESTION ULT4 EDIT
|
||||
T 002 READ IMPORTANG!
|
||||
T 002 PLEASE U/L 1 DRV. MAPEDIT
|
||||
T 002 ULTIMA IV..
|
||||
T 136 LORD BRITISH CONFERENCE
|
||||
T 002 I NEED HELP..
|
||||
T 002 I NEED HELP
|
||||
T 004 OK I'LL PACK 1 DRV MAPEDIT TON
|
||||
156 Sectors (39K) remaining
|
||||
|
||||
(>
|
||||
Current : S7 D1 V34
|
||||
New : S6 D1 V0
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
DISK VOLUME 254
|
||||
|
||||
T 036 SIX-GUN DOCS
|
||||
T 040 INSTITUTE WALKTHROUGH
|
||||
T 058 ALICE IN WONDERLAND WALKTHROUG
|
||||
T 031 FRACTALUS DOX
|
||||
T 018 CAPT.GOODNIGHT DOCS
|
||||
T 029 DEPROTECTION
|
||||
T 065 ADV. CON. SET DOCS PART I
|
||||
T 007 CAP GN CODE DESC
|
||||
T 018 ACS (COMMENT) DOCS
|
||||
T 035 ACS DOXS
|
||||
B 034 CUTTHROAT MAP
|
||||
T 041 CUTTHROAT DOCS
|
||||
T 057 DDD 2 DOCS
|
||||
T 056 DRAGONWORLD WALKTHOUGH
|
||||
3 Sectors (1K) remaining
|
||||
|
||||
(>Copy : DDD
|
||||
|
||||
!
|
||||
+>CHAT ON
|
||||
AE TERM --->
|
||||
|
||||
WHAT IS DDD?
|
||||
I HAVE VER 6.8! IF U D00DS WANT IT.
|
||||
|
||||
>X-MAN
|
||||
|
||||
Successful Write ...
|
||||
(>
|
||||
Current : S6 D1 V0
|
||||
New : S7 D1 V7
|
||||
|
||||
DISK VOLUME 007
|
||||
|
||||
528 Sectors (132K) remaining
|
||||
|
||||
(>
|
||||
Current : S7 D1 V7
|
||||
New : V8
|
||||
|
||||
DISK VOLUME 008
|
||||
|
||||
T 002 ABOUT THE MIST
|
||||
B 228 MIST<484>
|
||||
42 Sectors (11K) remaining
|
||||
|
||||
(>Send : THE MIST<484>
|
||||
924 Blocks.
|
||||
Sysop breaking in for chat ...
|
||||
|
||||
You need DDD to unpack it.
|
||||
|
||||
I KNOW!
|
||||
|
||||
Do you have it?
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
@%
|
||||
AE : H)ANG UP
|
||||
AE : LOST CARRIER
|
||||
->DIAL : 398-0531
|
||||
AE : DIALING : 398-0531
|
||||
AE : AWAIT CARRIER
|
||||
AE : CONNECT
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Press any key:
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
WELCOME TO NICK'S SALOON
|
||||
|
||||
YOUR SYSOP AND BARTENDER: DOS BOSS
|
||||
|
||||
SLOTS AVAILABLE: S6,D1,D2
|
||||
S3,D1,D2,D3
|
||||
|
||||
DISCLAIMER: The Sysop is not responsible for anything posted or implied by the
|
||||
users of this board. All users are expected to conduct themselves in an adult
|
||||
manner.
|
||||
|
||||
For validation, fill out the required information. Incomplete questions will
|
||||
result in *NO* validation!
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Name: LYNOL
|
||||
|
||||
Password: D00D3216
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
On-line : LYNOL
|
||||
|
||||
Running AE... (Time Passes)
|
||||
Wait....
|
||||
|
||||
(>
|
||||
Current : S6 D1 V0
|
||||
New : D1
|
||||
|
||||
DISK VOLUME 254
|
||||
|
||||
A 002 HELLO
|
||||
A 038 @LOGER
|
||||
T 003 @AE.USERS
|
||||
T 037 SYSOP WARES
|
||||
B 006 RAMDRIVE
|
||||
T 003 AE.WELCOME
|
||||
B 135 AE
|
||||
T 002 AEX
|
||||
T 003 TO ALL FRM SYSOP
|
||||
T 003 * ABOUT PAGING *
|
||||
T 010 CALL OF THE INCARNATES
|
||||
T 006 TO DOS BOSS
|
||||
T 008 KING'S QUEST II
|
||||
T 002 TO MR.SANDMAN
|
||||
T 002 TO DOS BOSS
|
||||
T 024 K-K00L D00DS PART 3
|
||||
B 106 DAS BOOT<106>
|
||||
B 001 DAS BOOT/F/RADIOACTIVE SNAIL
|
||||
T 003 ABOUT K-K00L D00DS 3
|
||||
T 002 DOES ANY HAVE BARD'S TALE DOCS
|
||||
T 081 BARD'S TALE PARTIAL
|
||||
19 Sectors (5K) remaining
|
||||
|
||||
(>View: * ABOUT PAGING *
|
||||
|
||||
Ok people,
|
||||
The next person I catch that uploads a pager file, will have his ass booted
|
||||
off this board real quick! If I wanted a pager, I would have put one in. The
|
||||
reason I don't is because there is always some asshole that decides to page at
|
||||
3 in the morning! You'll know when I'm in (or want to be in) because I usually
|
||||
break in just to say hi. So let this serve as my first, last, and ONLY warning
|
||||
about this. If you want to try me, go ahead!
|
||||
sysop
|
||||
|
||||
(>
|
||||
Current : S6 D1 V0
|
||||
New : D2
|
||||
|
||||
DISK VOLUME 254
|
||||
|
||||
496 Sectors (124K) remaining
|
||||
|
||||
(>
|
||||
Current : S6 D2 V0
|
||||
New : S3 D1
|
||||
|
||||
DISK VOLUME 001
|
||||
|
||||
B 076 SPY VS SPY<332>
|
||||
B 185 RESUME WRITER<185>
|
||||
B 077 PORNO PRINT SHOP<077>
|
||||
0 Sectors (0K) remaining
|
||||
|
||||
(>SEND : PORNO PRINT SHOP<077>
|
||||
170 Blocks
|
||||
|
||||
Sysop breaking in for chat ...
|
||||
|
||||
How old are you?
|
||||
|
||||
7 BUT MY BIRTHDAY IS N^p
|
||||
|
||||
AE : H)ANG UP
|
||||
AE : LOST CARRIER
|
||||
->DIAL : 341-1972
|
||||
AE : DIALING : 341-1972
|
||||
AE : WAITING TO CONNECT
|
||||
AE : CONNECT
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Press any key:
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
W E L C O M E T O K A N D I M A N S
|
||||
K E E P
|
||||
|
||||
IF YOU ARE NOT USING AN APPLE WITH ASCII
|
||||
EXPRESS THEN PLEASE TYPE "OFF". THIS
|
||||
BOARD WILL NOT DO YOU ANY GOOD !
|
||||
IF YOU ARE USING AN APPLE WITH ASCII
|
||||
EXPRESS, BUT DONT HAVE A PASSWORD TYPE
|
||||
"NEW" AND LEAVE THE REQUESTED INFO.
|
||||
AND YOU WILL BE VALIDATED A.S.A.P..
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Name: LYNOL
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Password: D00D3681
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Verifying...
|
||||
|
||||
On-line: LYNOL
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Running AE... (Time Passes)
|
||||
Wait....
|
||||
|
||||
(>Directory
|
||||
|
||||
DISK VOLUME 254
|
||||
|
||||
*B 135 AE
|
||||
*T 002 AEX
|
||||
A 039 @LOGON
|
||||
*B 005 RAMDRIVE
|
||||
T 010 @AE.USERS
|
||||
T 003 AE.WELCOME
|
||||
*T 003 TO ALL FRM SYSOP
|
||||
T 003 ADD
|
||||
A 006 @A2
|
||||
B 169 FONTPAK-5<169>
|
||||
T 024 K-K00L D00DS PART 3
|
||||
T 003 ABOUT K-K00L D00DS 3
|
||||
T 002 @AE.NEWUSERS
|
||||
20 Sectors (5K) remaining
|
||||
|
||||
(>
|
||||
Current : S6 D1 V0
|
||||
New : D2
|
||||
|
||||
DISK VOLUME 254
|
||||
|
||||
B 096 KING'S QUEST ][.S1<352>
|
||||
B 070 PS LIB.S2<070>
|
||||
91 Sectors (23K) remaining
|
||||
|
||||
(>SEND : KING'S QUEST ][.S1<352>
|
||||
733 BLOCKS
|
||||
Sysop breaking in for chat ...
|
||||
|
||||
What will you upload if I give you this?
|
||||
|
||||
KINGS'S QUEST III
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
AE : H)ANG UP
|
||||
AE : LOST CARRIER
|
||||
->OK TO EXIT ? Y
|
||||
AE : GOODBYE
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Ha! I like this one much better, and possibly if #3 didn't rid you of your
|
||||
evil ways, this one will ... you will also notice that all of the catalogs
|
||||
are genuine as of 12:47am on November 19th ... The boards Lynol called were :
|
||||
|
||||
Red Light Inn (214) 393-0156
|
||||
Nick's Saloon (214) 398-0531
|
||||
Kandiman's Keep (214) 341-1972
|
||||
|
||||
Somebody make a vol.5 at least, this one took me forever ...
|
||||
|
||||
- Radioactive Snail
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
(realtime character mode removed for normal leeching)
|
||||
161
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/lechhate.hum
Normal file
161
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/lechhate.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,161 @@
|
||||
------------------------------------------
|
||||
- -
|
||||
- What Leeches Hate About -
|
||||
- A E Sysops -
|
||||
- -
|
||||
- written by... -
|
||||
- >>CrackMaster<< -
|
||||
- -
|
||||
- call CrackMaster's Fortress AE -
|
||||
- 201-946-7265 pw= cm85 10pm-6am -
|
||||
- 300b sun-fri, 1200b sat -
|
||||
- soon to be 1200 only! -
|
||||
-The Fifth Precinct...[502] 245-8270 -
|
||||
------------------------------------------
|
||||
Uploaded by Richard Lindop/SKG
|
||||
|
||||
OK, this is my first (and maybe last) attempt at writing a text file. This
|
||||
one is in the style of AE assholes and Real Pirates Guides except I am taking a
|
||||
leech's point of view (last time doing that!). Anyway, on to the file:
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches hate when sysops put up old wares when someone requests them because
|
||||
they believe AE's are for them only.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches call up an AE number at any hour of the day, even if he knows it's
|
||||
only up certain hours, just in case the sysop left the computer on.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches call AE's between the hours of midnight and dawn because that's when
|
||||
all sane people are asleep.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches call AE's at 9:45 if the listing says it goes up at 10:00 because he
|
||||
knows that the sysop probably put the computer up already, and that way he gets
|
||||
to steal software before anyone else gets on
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches hate it when a sysop leaves a drive open for uploads since they know
|
||||
it could be filled with a new ware for them.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches hate when a sysop has to use a computer for a term paper or something
|
||||
because they believe the users come first, sysop second.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches hate when a sysop asks for their name because they hate
|
||||
talking/chatting with fellow humans.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches hate when a sysop asks them to call back because he's waiting for
|
||||
someone to call to upload, because they believe in first come, first served.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches like when a sysop goes to sleep so he can leech wares without the
|
||||
sysop hanging up on him or breaking in to chat.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches like when another leech posts an ID for a drive because then they can
|
||||
get wares without uploading. (Usually the newest wares)
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches, if they somehow upload, never send anything better (or longer) than a
|
||||
bad rip-off of COPYA, about 25 sectors long and almost as slow.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches, if they really feel like uploading something worthwhile, upload a
|
||||
game which he knows you've had for at least a month.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches hate when sysops insult leeches, or write/post/leave up textfiles
|
||||
about leeches, because then the truth about them becomes known.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches hate when textfiles say that leeches have no girlfriends, because in
|
||||
fact they love their sister.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches spell things with many y's in them because it makes it look more like
|
||||
the word 'system' (i.e. syster, sytuation, systern, syst, zyts, syt-heads)
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches cant spel.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches don't eat anything except for pizza, greasy hamburgers, and greasy
|
||||
fries.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches eat that stuff to get more zits (makes them look like computer geeks,
|
||||
the all time greatest title a computer user could get)
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches are, or will be very soon, Computer Geeks.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches steal educational software from their schools.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches brag about it.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches find ways to rip off a generic disk from a school, then brag about
|
||||
that all day until the comp teacher makes him write a program that will print 'I
|
||||
will not steal disks' 1000 times.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches write a program to do that like this:
|
||||
|
||||
10 ?"I will not steal disks"
|
||||
20 ?"I will not steal disks"
|
||||
30 ?"I will not steal disks"
|
||||
...
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches don't know much about Basic except for the above example
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches (other than the one who wrote the above example) steal that program
|
||||
just in case they decide to steal a generic disk.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches will leech anything with a filename.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches hate it when a sysop leaves AE numbers posted on the board because:
|
||||
|
||||
a) they have every AE number in existance
|
||||
b) it takes up 2 sectors per file
|
||||
c) it takes 10 more seconds to display the catalog
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches hate it when sysops lock out the <esc> key because they don't like
|
||||
reading the information about the sysem, such as # of drives, what wares are
|
||||
new, etc.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches hate it when a sysop answers voice when the system isn't up, and
|
||||
responds with one of the following:
|
||||
|
||||
a) hangs up immediately
|
||||
b) hangs up after a few seconds, just in case a carrier appears
|
||||
c) asks sysop 'Whats yer newest warezzzzzzzzzzzzzz?' to find out if the
|
||||
system is worth calling at all (but will call anyway just in case)
|
||||
d) asks the sysop the logical question 'um, is the system up?'
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches hate it when a sysop has 1200 only days because they only have a 300
|
||||
baud Networker.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches who have 1200 baud only have it because downloading takes 1/4 the
|
||||
time.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches who have 1200 hate it when the system goes 300 only or 300/1200 since
|
||||
then other leeches take up more time downloading.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches hate it when a sysop requests a specific upload, because they feel a
|
||||
slight pang of guilt for a second because they have it (or just leeched it from
|
||||
another AE)
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches take the compleat AE list, then call every number in order until they
|
||||
get through to one.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches download everything, then post an anonymous message asking the sysop
|
||||
to put up another ware.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches post messages like 'I have Ultima VIII and you don't, na-na-na!' or
|
||||
'Anybody who would like SuperWare XIX phone my AE at '1-800-rockits' or some
|
||||
other obviously fake number.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches hate when a sysop hangs up on them because they are leeching software
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches who also run AE's A-L-W-A-Y-S leech from the other AE in town, then
|
||||
put that ware up, so that the two AE's look exactly alike.
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches who run AE's have dumb-ass welcome messages asking for donations or
|
||||
something (like for a 250 meg hard drive or a super delux 300/1200 volks- modem)
|
||||
|
||||
Leeches never read textfiles, only download them, delete credits, and put
|
||||
their own name up.
|
||||
|
||||
-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
|
||||
|
||||
Well, that's it for now, see you soon in 'part 2' (maybe). please
|
||||
leave all credits intact, and call
|
||||
CrackMaster's Fortress 201-946-7265 pw=cm85 10pm-6am
|
||||
300b sun-fri, 1200b sat
|
||||
Well, that's it.
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
172
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/leechdic.hum
Normal file
172
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/leechdic.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,172 @@
|
||||
:%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%:
|
||||
:% %:
|
||||
:% The Leech Dictionary %:
|
||||
:% Written by The Blue Buccaneer %:
|
||||
:% %:
|
||||
:% The Rebel Alliance MegCatLine : [615] - 942 - 6670 %:
|
||||
:% %:
|
||||
:% Dedicated to %:
|
||||
:% The Rocker %:
|
||||
:% Who boldly leads our neverending battle against the leeches of the world %:
|
||||
:% Franklin's Tower CatSend : [804] - 784 - 3884 %:
|
||||
:% %:
|
||||
:%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%:
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Before we begin with The Leech Dictionary, I would like to take a moment to
|
||||
list all of the known anti-leech publications available today. This list should
|
||||
help you to make sure that you are kept up to date on the many leech problems of
|
||||
today, as well as advise you on ways to stop and remove them.
|
||||
|
||||
A Real Pirates' Guide (Volumes: 1,2, & 3)
|
||||
A Real Cat Pirates' Guide
|
||||
A Real Sysop's Guide
|
||||
A Real CatLine Sysops' Guide
|
||||
How to be a Leech
|
||||
Losers
|
||||
The Leech at Work
|
||||
The Leech Dictionary
|
||||
True Leech Hazard
|
||||
What Leeches and Other Losers do on Saturday Nights
|
||||
101 Nasty Things to do to your Local Leech
|
||||
The Removal of Leeches
|
||||
|
||||
[ Others may be available, but have not come my way as of yet. ]
|
||||
|
||||
:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
|
||||
|
||||
NOTE: When writing a LEECH file, be sure to spell LEECH right! (not leach)
|
||||
|
||||
:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
|
||||
|
||||
LEECH: [Definition as given by New Webster's Dictionary -Vest Pocket Edition]
|
||||
Noun: Blood sucking aquatic worm.
|
||||
LEECH: [Definition as given by The Sysops of America]
|
||||
Thing: Ware sucking loser.
|
||||
|
||||
Hopefully, you are all fully aware of what a leech is by this point. However,
|
||||
for those of you who have been lucky enough to have been totally uneffected by
|
||||
them, here is my brief description and definition of a leech:
|
||||
|
||||
A leech as one (most commonly a loser), who calls the various Lines of our
|
||||
great country and sucks all the wares. Sucking all the wares may include
|
||||
everything from merely calling 20 times; uploading Cat-Fur and sucking through
|
||||
that; to adding 2167 sectors from your Rana /// and switching disks all day.
|
||||
|
||||
Now, here is where I would like to make a point that several of the other
|
||||
Anti-Leech File authors have failed to neglect.
|
||||
|
||||
At one time or another, every pirate was a leech. Whether it was some kind-
|
||||
hearted local who supported your efforts until you grew to support yourself, or
|
||||
you downloaded all the newest from an AE or CatSend line, so that you could have
|
||||
something that was tradeable, you were all a leech at some point in time. Now,
|
||||
the differance between our leeches of today and the leech you were a long, long
|
||||
time ago, is this:
|
||||
|
||||
You stopped. You got the new wares and then used your engineuity to trade and
|
||||
keep yourself up to date with the wares and became a much better pirate.
|
||||
Hopefully you learned the policies, guidelines, customs, and unspoken rules of
|
||||
piracy, thus fully breaking your ties with your leech era. Maybe, being the
|
||||
good pirate that you are, you rewarded those who helped you in your rise to
|
||||
power. I, personally, sent a box of blanks to some of the people that were
|
||||
exceptionally helpful to me. And then to some of the Sysops who helped me, I
|
||||
uploaded till their drives overflowed. And for those pirates of yesteryear who
|
||||
had declined, I sent them whatever they needed to get back on their feet.
|
||||
|
||||
The leeches of today, however, are finding it simplier to remain leeches.
|
||||
They continue to suck the wares and never rise to the places of higher piracy.
|
||||
And it is those leeches who need to be removed/ destroyed/ oblitterated/
|
||||
terminated/ given-the-axe/etc.... [ You get my drift? ]
|
||||
|
||||
:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
THE LEECH DICTIONARY
|
||||
<Sorry you had to wait so long>
|
||||
----------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Before the long listing of those words to watch out for, let me say some-
|
||||
thing about the confusion about the words adopted into the "pirates slang".
|
||||
Now, piracy has been around a good long while. I, myself, have been around
|
||||
since before the opening of The Mines of Moria. I have Data-Capture 4.0
|
||||
captures of the early fazes of the BBS. I was user #23! (By the way, at that
|
||||
time I was also paying for my calls and mail trading through The Source)
|
||||
|
||||
(Yes, it was the latter part of my leach/loser era!)
|
||||
|
||||
[By the way, the key to successful pirating is phreaking. There is no way in
|
||||
hell that piracy could exist (even 1/1000 of what it does now) with out it. God
|
||||
bless the idiots at MaBell, Sprint, MCI, Metro, and allover! ]
|
||||
|
||||
Anyway, back to the sub-topic at hand. My point is this: These nice slang
|
||||
words we use and some of which have now been termed "losers/leeches slang" have
|
||||
been around for a very long time. Much longer than most of the pirates today.
|
||||
(This means any of you how started out with anything newer than a ][) I will
|
||||
admit that some of the slang has been ripped way out of proportion like !<00l,
|
||||
lAT0r, and the such. These are products of demented minds which are bent on
|
||||
devising unusual ways to type a simple word. That is not good.
|
||||
|
||||
But, there has been and will always be a slang unique to pirates/phreaks/
|
||||
hackers/and crackers. And that slang should not be blackened because of the
|
||||
slang of the losers and leeches in our society.
|
||||
|
||||
NOTE: Noone should follow "A Real ______' Guide" to the letter. And noone
|
||||
should quote from it.
|
||||
|
||||
Now, here's what ole Webbie has to say about the word "slang":
|
||||
|
||||
SLANG: Noun: colloquial words and phrases; jargon. Now "jargon", my
|
||||
friends, is a special vocabulary of a class, trade, or profession. So now we
|
||||
have two jargons: The Pirates' and The Losers'/Leeches' I think we have already
|
||||
been over why the two are different. The Pirates' jargon consists mainly of the
|
||||
proper English language (spelled & punctuated correctly - or as to the best of
|
||||
the ability of the pirate, which should be fairly good as "Real Pirates" are
|
||||
above the age that they are constantly misspelling everything). In addition to
|
||||
proper English, pirates have also addapted a slang. This slang is basically a
|
||||
shorthand method of typing some words in the proper English language. A few
|
||||
examples of this are: Warez (wares), Lozer (loser), and other substitutions of
|
||||
"z"/"s" & "ph"/"f" : Fone (phone), Comp (computer), and numerous abrevations
|
||||
which typically leave out the vowels: Txtfl (textfile), (you get the idea) Then
|
||||
there are ones like substituting the letter "k" for "c" as in kool & krack/krak.
|
||||
Then there are other substitutions like putting "j" for "g" as in "majic". And
|
||||
then the standard ones like: yer (your), em (them), and doin (doing). Then we
|
||||
have: U (you), Y (yes), N (no), 2 (to/too), b4 (before), etc. In addition are
|
||||
the "new contractions": shouldda, havta, gonna, couldda, musta, etc.
|
||||
Basically, all the slang words are a result of either phonetic, shortened, or
|
||||
unique ways of spelling the words.
|
||||
|
||||
But this is taken drastically out of hand when:
|
||||
|
||||
1] It is used without any sort of discretion at all.
|
||||
EX: I kalld mI brthr A krAsi loozer & hit im with de fone.
|
||||
2] It is excessively twisted.
|
||||
EX: !<00l, K00L, K-KOOL, lAt0r, and anything from the above example.
|
||||
3] It is mixed with an otherwise seemingly normal paragraph.
|
||||
EX: If I was to use any of the above in anything other than an example.
|
||||
|
||||
NOTE: Cursor magic (back-spacing, twirling, jumping, etc) is dead.
|
||||
|
||||
There is nothing wrong at all with using pirate slang, just so long as it
|
||||
doesn't break any of the above rules.
|
||||
|
||||
:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
|
||||
|
||||
At this point I have realized (as you might have also), that there is no real
|
||||
need for a long list of words that word point out a potential loser or leech.
|
||||
If you are able to understand what I have said in this textfile then you should
|
||||
be able to pick them out for yourself. Also it would not be right to have a
|
||||
specific list of words that losers and leeches use because that would be
|
||||
generalizing both the pirates and the losers / leeches; and that would be wrong
|
||||
to do. So all I can say, is use your best judgement, follow the pointers
|
||||
offered in textfiles like this, and give those on the way up a break. (Please
|
||||
note that losers do not deserve the breaks that leeches on the way up do. A
|
||||
loser is totally different that a leech and should thus be treated so.)
|
||||
|
||||
:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
|
||||
|
||||
-TBB [MARCH 1, 1985] [Original file length: 38 Sectors]
|
||||
|
||||
:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
|
||||
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
156
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/leechus.hum
Normal file
156
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/leechus.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,156 @@
|
||||
[==============================================================================]
|
||||
[ A Lengthy Comparison of Real Users and Real Leeches ]
|
||||
[ 80 cols by Xerox Zeke (c) 1985 132 cols in a pinch ]
|
||||
[ A Three Sheets to the Wind Production ]
|
||||
[ ThunderCats! Hooooooooooooooooo! ]
|
||||
[==============================================================================]
|
||||
|
||||
God, you say to yourself, doesn't this guy ever write anything besides
|
||||
terrorist files and "real this" and "real that"? Well, fuck you, it's 2:27,
|
||||
EST, and I'm fucked up royally and just about as bored. So fuck the world,
|
||||
anarchy rules, and here we go...
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User reads the welcome message and bulletins. But only if they don't
|
||||
have spinning cursors and the "latest backspaceing modz" in them. A Real Leech
|
||||
never reads welcomes or bulletins UNLESS they have spinning shit and backspaces.
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User, when downloading, estimates his time very carefully so he knows
|
||||
if it's safe to go take a shit or make a sandwich or whatever. A Real Leech
|
||||
sets his term program to automatically download everything and then hang up.
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User, if drawn into chatting, will chat. A Real Leech, if drawn into
|
||||
chat, will drop carrier.
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User only tries to chat if he's bored or has a serious question. A
|
||||
Real Leech hits ^G fifty million times and U/L's his own pager files whenever he
|
||||
wants to only say "Plleeeeez put up Karateka sidez 1-50 for meeeeeeee
|
||||
kkk-d000de?"
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User writes his own g-files and uploads them. A Real Leech changes
|
||||
the names in g-files and uploads them
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User is over 15 years old. A Real Leech is under 15 years old.
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User doesn't make excuses if he doesn't have the latest. A Real
|
||||
Leech lies and says he has the latest but he has to go eat supper.
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User can comfortably switch between voice and data as often as he
|
||||
likes. A Real Leech doesn't know how, and besides, is afraid that people will
|
||||
hear his voice and trace it. It usually rivals that of a castrated squirrel in
|
||||
tone and pitch.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Ok, I'm still fucked up and still fucking bored, so let's move on to their
|
||||
personal habits...
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User reads sci-fi and fantasy. Sometimes horror. A Real Leech reads
|
||||
the Magic of Xanth.
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User reads either Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or nothing at all. A
|
||||
Reel Leech reads Marvel SuperHeroes Secret Wars.
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User will eat any kind of food once. A Real Leech sticks to Count
|
||||
Chocula for breakfast and burgers for dinner.
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User isn't inside his hous 24 hours a day working on the computer. A
|
||||
Real Leech is, unless he's over at another leech's house where when one of them
|
||||
goes to take a shit, the other copies as many disks as he can...
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User has a job. A Real Leech depends on a $25 a week allowance his
|
||||
parents give him for taking out the garbage.
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User goes out on Friday nights, and either gets laid, fucked up, or
|
||||
both. He has no memory the next day, and doesn't give a fuck. A Real Leech
|
||||
invites a friend over. They steal gin or something sorry like that from his
|
||||
parent's liquor cabinet. They each take two sips and puke their asses off and
|
||||
vow never to do it again, or they dilute it with Cherry Coke, drink the whole
|
||||
thing, and go jump off his roof. Good riddance.
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User drinks peppermint schnapps. A Real Leech, as I said, doesn't
|
||||
get drunk. If he does, it's on gin.
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User is over 5 feet in height. A Real Leech is rarely over 5 feet,
|
||||
and when he is, he's so skinny it looks like someone cast a Duo-Dimension spell
|
||||
on him...
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User dreams of putting a board up, and sometimes does. A Real Leech
|
||||
puts up a paid-for, unmodified version of Net-Works on a single drive system.
|
||||
His welcome screen has nothing BUT text-trix. He has no good files to speak of,
|
||||
because he wants the board to be "totally 100% super-duper triple-mega-awesome
|
||||
ELITE!"
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User listens to alternative radio. A Real Leech listens to Top 40.
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User likes everything except Top 40 and C&W. A Real Leech thinks
|
||||
heavy metal is for drugged out brainless morons. He fantasizes about Cyndi
|
||||
Lauper. (The smart Real User fantasizes about Tina Turner.)
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User fantasizes now and then. A Real Leech fantasizes all the time
|
||||
unless he's on the computer. (Maybe that is why they download so much...so they
|
||||
have time to fantisize and jack off on the keyboard while the file is being
|
||||
received...)
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User would not be crushed by the loss of the warboard. A Real Leech
|
||||
would die without the warboard. He posts funny stuff like "FUK U! YUR A FUKIN
|
||||
WIMP AND IM GONNU KIK YUR AS IF I EVER KETCH U OUTSIDE YUUR HOUSE
|
||||
MUTHERFUKR...LAYTOR D0000000000DZ...!@#$%^&*()THE BLACK TURTLE)(*&^%$#@!"
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User knows how to spell and construct well-written, grammatically
|
||||
correct sentences. He knows how to punctuate. A Real Leech does too, but he
|
||||
thinks it's "k-k0000l" to do it as shown above.
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User uses text capture on stupid messages like that, and on text
|
||||
files. A Real Leech turns on text capture at carrier detect, and keeps it on
|
||||
for the whole day so he can impress his leech friends who call up his "AE" and
|
||||
see a file one hundred trillion sectors long...of course he saves it as a
|
||||
protected binary file so they can't do anything with it but they are impressed
|
||||
anyway.
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User likes files like this, and writes one at some point in his life.
|
||||
A Real Leech reads a file like this, and leaves feedback saying "MAKE THAT ONE
|
||||
GUY WHASTHISFACE OHYEAH SECTOR SURGEON OR WHATEVER MAKE HIM QUIT WRITING PHILLLS
|
||||
ABOUT MEEE"
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User likes anybody who is cool, no matter what they look like or
|
||||
believe in. A Real Leech likes people who give him wares. And the nuns at his
|
||||
school that he sucks up to. And his dog. And...and that's about it.
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User writes clear, concise messages. A Real Leech thinks it's
|
||||
"k-k000l" to put something like this on the last line of his message:
|
||||
|
||||
.S
|
||||
/EX
|
||||
<CR>
|
||||
.ES
|
||||
/ES
|
||||
/FUCK
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User posts something either humorous, informative, or asking for some
|
||||
help. A Real Leech posts something like "Latest Backspaceing Tips" or "NEw modz
|
||||
for Apple Cat 212 and Net-Worx"
|
||||
|
||||
o A Real User parties for fun. Or, failing that, gets fucked up and writes a
|
||||
file like this just for the fuck of it...then when he's done he figures what the
|
||||
hell and uploads it to some place...
|
||||
|
||||
A Real Leech for fun does one of the following:
|
||||
|
||||
-Jacks off -Watches grass grow
|
||||
-Listens to Top 40 tapes -Sits across from the fire station in hopes
|
||||
on dictating casettes that there will be a fire somewhere
|
||||
-Invents new backspaces -Invents new handles
|
||||
-Clips his fingernails and -Reads his dad's Playboy
|
||||
saves the clippings -Jacks off some more
|
||||
|
||||
Good God! It only took me 33 minutes to write this stupid file? I'm more
|
||||
stoned than I thought. Oh well...guess I'll go blast Jimi Hendrix and turn on
|
||||
the 'ol strobelight...
|
||||
|
||||
SOFDOX Krackers
|
||||
|
||||
December 25th 1985
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
125
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/losers.hum
Normal file
125
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/losers.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,125 @@
|
||||
Read: real losers
|
||||
|
||||
^*^ REAL LOSERS GUIDE VOL.1 ^*^
|
||||
|
||||
COMPILED BY : THE ENFORCER
|
||||
|
||||
^*^ WEST SIDE PIRATES ^*^
|
||||
|
||||
^*^ MICRO-TECH(818)369-5873 ^*^
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
This file was written for 'REAL LOSERS' to recognize their faults,
|
||||
and get out of our lives!!
|
||||
|
||||
[ LOSERS' COMPUTER SYSTEMS ]
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS with C-64's think they are better than Apple because
|
||||
"you get 64k for less money!!"
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS get ALL their Hardware for Christmas.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS don't know why the letters on the keyboard aren't in
|
||||
alphabetical order!
|
||||
|
||||
[ LOSERS ON BBS'S ]
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS think getting mail is a "thrill" and post countless
|
||||
bulletins beggin people to send it.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS scribble down every number they see posted,and when
|
||||
ALL the boards are busy,they'll call Dial-Your-Match
|
||||
just to "get on-line!"
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS don't use lower case.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS never post anything more than "post!post!post!" "call this
|
||||
K-K00L BBS!" or "This board looks great so let's post and
|
||||
advertise!"
|
||||
|
||||
-> the same loser <-
|
||||
........wonders why he doesn't get higher access,for
|
||||
posting so many messages!
|
||||
|
||||
-> the same loser <-
|
||||
........posts "tell 'em I sent ya!",because that's
|
||||
the only way they can get their access raised..
|
||||
|
||||
[ LOSERS ON AE'S ]
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS upload "Choplifter" and think they're "K-K00L" for
|
||||
doing it.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS call Ae's with their C-64's
|
||||
|
||||
-> the same loser <-
|
||||
........is looking for C-64 Ae Lines!
|
||||
|
||||
[ MORE LOSERS ]
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS have Ultra-High voices
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS think this or that music "rules"
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS watch Wally George everyday,and want him to be
|
||||
president.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS thought the TV Show "Whiz Kids" was realistic.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS watch porno movies because they can't get the
|
||||
real thing!
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS read Family Computing Magazine and type in all
|
||||
those "neato" Basic Programs!
|
||||
|
||||
[ LOSERS AS SYSOPS ]
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSERS run C-64 Boards with a tape drive,with the following:
|
||||
disk drive coming soon!(for my b-day)
|
||||
Email coming Soon!
|
||||
Msg Bases Coming Soon!
|
||||
Passwords coming Soon!
|
||||
BBS Program Coming Soon! "it's gonna be K-K00L,eh?"
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSER SYSOPS think they can run a BBS on their home "fone line"
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSER SYSOPS put their boards up "24 hrs!" but,after a
|
||||
few minutes with no calls,will call other
|
||||
boards,and advertise their "boards", when
|
||||
no one can call,because they are always
|
||||
calling other boards advertising to call
|
||||
"their board!"
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSER SYSOPS run 1 drive BBS/AE's
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSER SYSOPS won't voice verify everyone because "it's NOT Local!"
|
||||
|
||||
REAL LOSER SYSOPS give out "Co-Sysop" titles to a person they "think
|
||||
is K-K00L,while he has never met the "Co-Sysop"
|
||||
,nor is the "Co-Sysop" in any way responsible for
|
||||
when the board went up,nor does a "Co-Sysop" do
|
||||
anything for the board but brag about his title,
|
||||
and say "we" when refering to what the sysop
|
||||
is going to do..(i.e. "we're gonna give U all
|
||||
higher access!" )
|
||||
The Sysop will say before he gets the "Co-Sysop"
|
||||
-->"o.k. leave me feedback cuz i'm going to
|
||||
pick someone for co-sysop!!"
|
||||
|
||||
-> well,that's about it...for this installment.. Look soon for "Real Losers
|
||||
Vol.2" soon,in which I will have complied a bunch of "REAL" posts
|
||||
and quotes from....REAL LOSERS!!
|
||||
|
||||
^*^ REAL LOSERS VOL.1 ^*^
|
||||
COMPILED BY: THE ENFORCER
|
||||
^*^ WEST SIDE PIRATES ^*^
|
||||
NO COPYRIGHT!
|
||||
DISTRIBUTE AT WILL!
|
||||
WRITTEN ON JULY 2,1985 TIME IS NOW: 1:29:05 AM
|
||||
->MICRO-TECH(818)369-5873
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
(>
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
133
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/mel-prog.txt
Normal file
133
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/mel-prog.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,133 @@
|
||||
The story of a REAL Real Programmer.
|
||||
Mel
|
||||
|
||||
I first met Mel when I went to work for Royal McBee Computer Corp., a now-
|
||||
defunct subsidiary of the typewriter company. The firm manufactured the
|
||||
LGP-30, a small, cheap (by the standards of the day) drum-memory computer,
|
||||
and had just started to manufacture the RPC-4000, a much-improved, bigger,
|
||||
better, faster drum-memory computer. Cores cost too much, and weren't here
|
||||
to stay, anyway. (That's why you haven't heard of the company, or the
|
||||
computer.)
|
||||
|
||||
I had been hired to write a Fortran compiler for this new marvel, and Mel was
|
||||
my guide to its wonders. Mel didn't approve of compilers.
|
||||
|
||||
"If a program can't rewrite its own code," he asked, "what good is it?"
|
||||
|
||||
Mel had written, in hexadecimal, the most popular computer program the company
|
||||
owned. It ran on the LGP-30 and played blackjack with potential customers at
|
||||
computer shows. Its effect was always dramatic. The LGP-30 booth was packed
|
||||
at every show, and the IBM salesmen stood around talking to each other.
|
||||
Whether or not this actually sold computers was a question we never discussed.
|
||||
|
||||
Mel's job was to re-write the blackjack program for the RPC-4000. (Port? What
|
||||
does that mean?) The new computer had a one-plus-one addressing scheme, in
|
||||
which each machine instruction, in addition to the operation code and the
|
||||
address of the needed operand, had a second address that indicated where, on
|
||||
the revolving drum, the next instruction was located. In modern parlance,
|
||||
every single instruction was followed by a GO TO! Put *that* in Pascal's pipe
|
||||
and smoke it.
|
||||
|
||||
Mel loved the RPC-4000 because he could optimize his code: that is, locate
|
||||
instructions on the drum so that just as one finished its job, the next would
|
||||
be just arriving at the read head and available for immediate execution. There
|
||||
was a program to do that job, an "optimizing assembler," but Mel refused to
|
||||
use it.
|
||||
|
||||
"You never know where it's going to put things," he explained, "so you'd have
|
||||
to use separate constants."
|
||||
|
||||
It was a long time before I understood that remark. Since Mel knew the
|
||||
numerical value of every operation code, and assigned his own drum addresses,
|
||||
every instruction he wrote could also be considered a numerical constant. He
|
||||
could pick up an earlier "add" instruction, say, and multiply by it, if it had
|
||||
the right numeric value. His code was not easy for someone else to modify.
|
||||
|
||||
I compared Mel's hand-optimized programs with the same code massaged by the
|
||||
optimizing assembler program, and Mel's always ran faster. That was because
|
||||
the "top-down" method of program design hadn't been invented yet, and Mel
|
||||
wouldn't have used it anyway. He wrote the innermost parts of his program
|
||||
loops first, so they would get first choice of the optimum address locations
|
||||
on the drum. The optimizing assembler wasn't smart enough to do it that way.
|
||||
|
||||
Mel never wrote time-delay loops, either, even when the balky Flexowriter
|
||||
required a delay between output characters to work right. He just located
|
||||
instructions on the drum so each successive one was just *past* the read head
|
||||
when it was needed; the drum had to execute another complete revolution to find
|
||||
the next instruction. He coined an unforgettable term for this procedure.
|
||||
Although "optimum" is an absolute term, like "unique," it became common verbal
|
||||
practice to make it relative: "not quite optimum" or "less optimum" or "not
|
||||
very optimum." Mell called the maximum time-delay locations the "most
|
||||
pessimum."
|
||||
|
||||
After he finished the blackjack program and got it to run, ("Even the
|
||||
initializer is optimized," he said proudly) he got a Change Request from the
|
||||
sales department. The program used an elegant (optimized) random number
|
||||
generator to shuffle the "cards" and deal from the "deck," and some of the
|
||||
salesmen felt it was too fair, since sometimes the customers lost. They
|
||||
wanted Mel to modify the program so, at the setting of a sense switch on the
|
||||
console, they could change the odds and let the customer win.
|
||||
|
||||
Mel balked. He felt this was patently dishonest, which it was, and that it
|
||||
impinged on his personal integrity as a programmer, which it did, so he
|
||||
refused to do it. The Head Salesman talked to Mel, as did the Big Boss and,
|
||||
at the boss's urging, a few Fellow Programmers. Mel finally gave in and wrote
|
||||
the code, but he got the test backwards, and when the sense switch was turned
|
||||
on, the program would cheat, winning every time. Mel was delighted with this,
|
||||
claiming his subconscious was uncontrollably ethical, and adamantly refused to
|
||||
fix it.
|
||||
|
||||
After Mel had left the company for greener pastures, the Big Boss asked me to
|
||||
look at the code and see if I could find the test and reverse it. Somewhat
|
||||
reluctantly, I agreed to look. Tracking Mel's code was a real adventure.
|
||||
|
||||
I have often felt that programming is an art form, whose real value can only be
|
||||
appreciated by another versed in the same arcane art; there are lovely gems and
|
||||
brilliant coups hidden from human view and admiration, sometimes forever, by
|
||||
the very nature of the process. You can learn a lot about an individual just
|
||||
by reading through his code, even in hexadecimal. Mel was, I think, an unsung
|
||||
genius.
|
||||
|
||||
Perhaps my greatest shock came when I found an innocent loop that had no test
|
||||
in it. No test. *None*. Common sense said it had to be a closed loop, where
|
||||
the program would circle, forever, endlessly. Program control passed right
|
||||
through it, however, and safely out the other side. It took me two weeks to
|
||||
figure it out.
|
||||
|
||||
The RPC-4000 computer had a really modern facility called an index register. It
|
||||
allowed the programmer to write a program loop that used an indexed instruction
|
||||
inside; each time through, the number in the index register was added to the
|
||||
address of that instruction, so it would refer to the next datum in a series.
|
||||
He had only to increment the index register each time through. Mel never
|
||||
used it.
|
||||
|
||||
Instead, he would pull the instruction into a machine register, add one to its
|
||||
address, and store it back. He would then execute the modified instruction
|
||||
right from the register. The loop was written so this additional execution
|
||||
time was taken into account -- just as this instruction finished, the next one
|
||||
was right under the drum's read head, ready to go. But the loop had no test
|
||||
in it.
|
||||
|
||||
The vital clue came when I noticed the index register bit, that bit that lay
|
||||
between the address and the operation code in the instruction word, was
|
||||
turned on -- yet Mel never used the index register, leaving it zero all the
|
||||
time. When the light went on it nearly blinded me.
|
||||
|
||||
He had located the data he was working on near the top of memory -- the largest
|
||||
locations the instructions could address -- so after the last datum was handled,
|
||||
incrementing the instruction address would make it overflow. The carry would
|
||||
add one to the operation code, changing it to the next one in the instruction
|
||||
set: a jump instruction. Sure enough, the next program instruction was in
|
||||
address location zero, and the program went happily on its way.
|
||||
|
||||
I haven't kept in touch with Mel, so I don't know if he ever gave in to the
|
||||
flood of change that has washed over programming techniques since those long-
|
||||
gone days. I like to think he didn't. In any event, I was impressed enough
|
||||
that I quit looking for the offending test, telling the Big Boss that I
|
||||
couldn't find it. He didn't seem surprised.
|
||||
|
||||
When I left the company, the blackjack program would still cheat if you turned
|
||||
on the right sense switch, and I think that's how it should be. I didn't feel
|
||||
comfortable hacking up the code of a Real Programmer.
|
||||
|
||||
(Part of the folklore of the net - Usenet alt.folklore.computers)
|
||||
BIN
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/melvins.gph
Normal file
BIN
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/melvins.gph
Normal file
Binary file not shown.
323
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pirates.txt
Normal file
323
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pirates.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,323 @@
|
||||
Real Pirates -- Volume 4
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates are at least 15 years old. (old, isn't it? but it remains
|
||||
true)
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates can, if they have to.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't really care what kind of modem they use, because just
|
||||
about any kind will work.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates recognize AE 4.3 Prodos as the real useless piece of shit that
|
||||
it is.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: Real Pirates use AE 4.2 exclusively. If they don't have 4.2,
|
||||
they improvise.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates know enough 6502 programming to
|
||||
improvise.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates play some instrument that can be used in a rock band,
|
||||
preferably stringed. (guitar, bass, etc.)
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates wear shirts that say: "Frankie says....shut up Madonna" on
|
||||
them.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates just don't give a damn.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates who run systems of their own don't force uploads because
|
||||
they know that there are enough other real pirates around that they will event
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates have Universe side 3 and have had it for a long time.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: Real Pirates think in 80 columns. (Real Pirates with Ultraterms,
|
||||
though, think in 160 columns.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates dream in hi-res.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates who have Apple //es have never used 280 X 192 graphics on
|
||||
their machine, only 560 X 192.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates have a ramdrive.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates who run systems don't backspace over their names 50 times
|
||||
in the welcome message because they know that the only reason people read
|
||||
welcome messages is to find out where the damn drives are.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates have a girlfriend.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't even think about calling the ANALOG lines any more
|
||||
because there aren't any wares on them, only sext (sex-text) files.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: Real Pirates don't need to get their thrills from a textfile.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates don't give a shit who "sheryl"
|
||||
is.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't whine about other people having funny names.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: Real Pirates call themselves whatever the hell they feel
|
||||
like because they know that what they call themselves doesn't diminish their
|
||||
abilities any.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't brag about their cracking abilities. If they crack
|
||||
something, they put their name in ONE title page and start passing it around.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates who get wares that have 10,000 useless title pages "CALL THESE
|
||||
RAD AE LINES! CRACKED BY MR. MAXIMUM! FAG OF THE YEAR...." and so on, know
|
||||
how to get around them.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates upload.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: Real Pirates upload FIRST.
|
||||
|
||||
If a system has online lists of what the sysop has and is looking for, Real
|
||||
Pirates read them so they don't upload something he already has.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates who run AE lines do so 24 hours a day.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates have 1200 baud.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: Real Pirates have 1200 baud only because they haven't bought
|
||||
a 2400 baud modem yet.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates know that it is only a matter of time before MCI and the
|
||||
others clean up their long-distance lines enough to allow 2400 baud
|
||||
transfers.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates are not selfish with their phreak codes, just like with
|
||||
their wares.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates do not conclude every conversation with "Later", "Later on",
|
||||
"Later daze", or anything of the like.
|
||||
|
||||
Although they know how to spell and have impeccable grammar, Real Pirates
|
||||
don't start bitching when someone else does it wrong. They just write them off
|
||||
mentally as being a hopeless fuck-up.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates have a larger vocabulary than just "what's your
|
||||
newest?".
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates who are sysops do not have idiotic validation procedures that
|
||||
take days or weeks. They know that when people call, they want wares, so
|
||||
they give them immediate access to the AE part of the system.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: Real Pirates know that Textfiles are NOT the main reason to
|
||||
call systems.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates who live in non-Communist zones read Joe Bob
|
||||
Briggs.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates read science fiction.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: Real Pirates do not refer to science fiction as "sci-fi" because
|
||||
they know it's derogatory.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates read Real science fiction by hardcore authors like Isaac
|
||||
Asimov, Larry Niven, and David Gerrold, and couldn't care less about
|
||||
the fucking Xanth series.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Well that's it for now. But since the Real Pirate breed is quickly
|
||||
becoming contaminated and inbred, keep watch for more of these guides to set
|
||||
the record straight. Call your favorite system today and upload any
|
||||
ware the sysop needs, it'll be doing him a much-appreciated favor. Finally:
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates aren't perfect. If you think you met every qualification in
|
||||
this guide, you're just a stuck-up conceited excuse for an asshole and
|
||||
should see a doctor to get your ego fixed.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: Real Pirates are Good Enough.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
The Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2
|
||||
|
||||
There are lotsa pirates, unfortunately, a vast majority of them
|
||||
are morons. For this reason, these "guides" have been assembled to aid in
|
||||
the growth and maturity of the younger pirate generation.Which brings
|
||||
us to the golden rule of pirating: "REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS OF
|
||||
AGE"(exceptions are few, like if one was a beta-tester for Broderbund, we
|
||||
could let that slide).
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates have long-since deleted Caverns of Freitag," "Mr. Cool,"
|
||||
"Trompers," "Jenny of the Prairie," and still couldn't give a sack of dog
|
||||
dicks about anything from Avalon Hill, SSI, and especially Scott Adams(AI).
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real Pirates would jump at the chance to "help" Adventure
|
||||
International go Chapter 11.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates pirates aren't just "learning assembly." Or even worse,
|
||||
"machine language."
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates know that Lord British is not the Monarch of any European empire.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates know that "Road Pizza" was either a very good joke, or a very
|
||||
bad game.
|
||||
|
||||
When posting a message, Real Pirates can differentiate between: 'z' and 's',
|
||||
'ph' and 'f', '2' and 'two', 'u' and 'you', '0' and 'O', '4' and 'for', and
|
||||
'x' and 'ks'.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates aren't constantly searching for
|
||||
new ways to spell "WARES".
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates use lower case.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't use text graphics.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't post "I have" messages, when they really don't have.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates aren't too impressed with "spinny" cursors, and turn them off
|
||||
upon logging onto such boards.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't try to impress others with their superior ability to
|
||||
add many carriage returns at the end of a message, thus preventing anyone
|
||||
from reading the last few lines.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates, when trading with another Real Pirate, are not concerned
|
||||
with matching everything the other pirate sends them. Real Pirates are
|
||||
happy to send wares to other Real Pirates simply because they are in the
|
||||
same business. (ie. no, "I send you 3 sides, you send me 3 sides")
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't wait for BBS' to print out their "goodbye" message, they
|
||||
hang-up.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates always have a copy of Diskcomm 3.2 handy
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't end their messages with, "leave e-mail to [xxx xxx]," or
|
||||
anything of the sort.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real Pirates don't respond to such messages, and in no way use
|
||||
them as a means to get "new wares."
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates aren't found to frequent the local "Bitch Board".
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't make threats of violence against others through the
|
||||
phone lines. After all, how is someone living in Acron, Ohio going to
|
||||
"beat the living shit out of" someone living in Waco, Texas? Not through Zap
|
||||
Mail, that's for sure.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates know that the disclaimers often stuck in by BBS sysops do little
|
||||
more then waste 20-40 bytes of RAM.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't post messages telling us what is "old", so they can
|
||||
fill some space, thus making it look like they actually had a reason to post
|
||||
something relavent.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't think it's keen to be able to put '/S' on a line by
|
||||
itself, and have it included in the message.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates have a "sixth sense" that tells them which board to post a
|
||||
certain message on (ie. no "new wares" messages on the "Famous People Which I
|
||||
Have Met" board).
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates can spot a Net-Works BBS miles away.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates names aren't parodies of other respectable pirates (ie. The Male
|
||||
Nurse of Magenta Bag, Franklin Bandit, 5 1/4" Jockey, etc.).
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates names have no association to any type of music whatsoever (ie.
|
||||
Green Manalishi, The \ Scorpion,etc.).
|
||||
|
||||
Never is the prefix "Krack", or "Crack" found in a Real Pirates name
|
||||
unless they actually can crack, and don't just have one.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates aren't named: The Ace, The Zapman, Lord Fagan, Captain Bly,
|
||||
Pac-Rat, The Wrench,The Lumberjack, Mr. Party, The Fly,Happy Hacker, or
|
||||
Der Fuhrer.
|
||||
|
||||
When talking with a Real Pirate on the phone, you can be assured of not
|
||||
hearing Culture Club or the Pointer Sisters being played stridently in the
|
||||
background.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates weren't dissapointed when "Fantasy Island" was cancelled, and
|
||||
didn't worry whether or not the Cuban midget would ever get another job.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates would like to see a final episode of "The Love Boat", where Vicky
|
||||
absent-mindidly throws a lighted joint next to a propane tank, causing the
|
||||
ship to go up in a terrific display of fire and smoke, whilst seeing the heads
|
||||
and bodyparts of "your crew" scattered about the water.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates watch "Late Night with David Lettermen."
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates just don't give a damn!
|
||||
|
||||
Well, that's it. For now. If you were at all offended by anything in
|
||||
this article, that's your que to retire from pirating, because after
|
||||
all, Real Pirates aren't offended by things contained in text files.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Real Preates Guide - Vol III
|
||||
|
||||
The following is a list of what pirate is or isn't. In many cases,
|
||||
you will find similar experiences in your own pirate life.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates realize that piracy is not a crime; it is the only
|
||||
solution. Real pirates do not get paranoid of Sierra On-line's copy
|
||||
violation warning: $50,000 fine and/or imprisonment.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't worship hires pictures. Real pirates can't afford
|
||||
Hayes modem because they know it's not worth the money. Real pirates never
|
||||
made the mistake of buying a Hayes modem. Real pirates don't try to use
|
||||
Disk-fer with their Hayes modem. Real pirates don't pick 'answer' mode in
|
||||
Disk-fer simply because they know they they will get their disk first.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates can send without recieving. (Give without taking.)
|
||||
Real pirates don't get I/O errors on half their disks. Real pirates don't
|
||||
use generic disks. Real pirates don't use their apples for testing plant
|
||||
growth and temperatures. Real pirates don't replace their fish tank with
|
||||
"Fishies."
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates know what they have in their library. Real pirates don't
|
||||
delete something for everything they get. Real pirates don't buy software
|
||||
so they can be the first to crack it.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't waste their money on software because they know
|
||||
it's not worth it. Real pirates know that Pole Position for the Apple will
|
||||
never come out. Real pirates don't make prank phone calls. Real pirates
|
||||
don't advertise their bbs/ae/catsend lines without keeping them up. Real
|
||||
pirates run a bbs/ae/catsend line 24 hours a day or they don't run one at
|
||||
all. Real pirates have two phone lines. Real pirates realize that they
|
||||
asked for it when they get a call for their bbs/ae/catsend line at the wrong
|
||||
time of the day. Real pirates know that the South Pole is located in the
|
||||
U.S.A.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't put their name and numbers on other pirate's wares.
|
||||
Real pirates don't put their friends names on a crack just to make
|
||||
him/her/it well-known. Real pirates not pollute their wares with numerous
|
||||
names, groups and numbers. Real pirates do not update their whole
|
||||
system and collection to Prodos. Real pirates never run out of disk space.
|
||||
Real pirates don't trade their Apple II/II+/IIe in for a IIc. Real pirate
|
||||
don't bug other pirates for "new wares."
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't freak out when they meet a female pirate. Real
|
||||
pirates are not conceited. Real pirates don't make mommy buy the blank
|
||||
disks. Real pirates know how to spell. Real pirates don't play Stickybear ABC.
|
||||
Real pirates are not racists. Real pirates do not hang out on homo-sexual
|
||||
based bbs's. Real pirates can find in their collection what they know they
|
||||
have. Real pirates are not in a hurry to collect all of the Trillium shit.
|
||||
Real pirates have alternate ways of copying Time Zone other than by modem.
|
||||
Real pirates don't turn a file into a full disk so they can slap their tacky
|
||||
title page on to it.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't join groups so they can become well-known. Real
|
||||
pirates don't need a reason to have access to a certain board or bbs. Real
|
||||
pirates do not brag to computer illiterates that they can break into
|
||||
banks, etc. now with their new modem when they know they can't. Real
|
||||
pirates don't waste their time and money driving miles to see other
|
||||
pirates. Real pirates do not brag of their alcohol/drug use; sexual desire
|
||||
and experiences; and or suicide attempts.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates do not know how many disks they have, and do not care to
|
||||
hear the notion of how many disks that another pirate has. Real pirates don't
|
||||
make obnoxious noises, sounds, moans, groans, and tones while on a conference
|
||||
line. Real pirates don't get other pirates in trouble. Real pirates don't
|
||||
bill other pirates. (Unless he/she/it has done the same to you.) Real pirates
|
||||
don't spend their life typing in text-files. (Which is why this one is
|
||||
almost done.) Real pirates do not have to read files like this one, they know
|
||||
what they are already.
|
||||
|
||||
163
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pirates2.txt
Normal file
163
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pirates2.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,163 @@
|
||||
-------------------------------------
|
||||
+ +
|
||||
+ REAL PIRATES GUIDE VOLUME III V.2 +
|
||||
+ -WRITTEN BY THE WHIP- +
|
||||
+ +
|
||||
-------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
The following is a list of what
|
||||
pirate is or isn't. In many cases,
|
||||
you will find similar experiences in
|
||||
your own pirate life. As you see,
|
||||
this text is formatted in 40 columns
|
||||
which brings us to the first instance
|
||||
REAL PIRATES do not care what the
|
||||
width of a text was formatted in. They
|
||||
can handle anything. Therefore all of
|
||||
you 80 column owners, bare with it.
|
||||
The Apple II/II+ will be around for
|
||||
long time.
|
||||
Real pirates realize that piracy
|
||||
is not a crime; it is the only
|
||||
solution. Real pirates do not get
|
||||
paranoid of Sierra On-line's copy
|
||||
violation warning: $50,000 fine and/or
|
||||
imprisonment.
|
||||
Real pirates don't worship hires
|
||||
pictures. Real pirates can't afford
|
||||
Hayes modem because they know it's not
|
||||
worth the money. Real pirates never
|
||||
made the mistake of buying a Hayes
|
||||
modem. Real pirates don't try to use
|
||||
Disk-fer with their Hayes modem. Real
|
||||
pirates don't pick 'answer' mode in
|
||||
Disk-fer simply because they know they
|
||||
they will get their disk first.
|
||||
Real pirates can send without
|
||||
recieving. (Give without taking.)
|
||||
Real pirates don't get I/O errors on
|
||||
half their disks. Real pirates don't
|
||||
use generic disks. Real pirates don't
|
||||
use their apples for testing plant
|
||||
growth and temperatures. Real pirates
|
||||
don't replace their fish tank with
|
||||
"Fishies."
|
||||
Real pirates know what they have
|
||||
in their library. Real pirates don't
|
||||
delete something for everything they
|
||||
get. Real pirates don't buy software
|
||||
so they can be the first to crack it.
|
||||
Real pirates don't waste their
|
||||
money on software because they know
|
||||
it's not worth it. Real pirates know
|
||||
that Pole Position for the Apple will
|
||||
never come out. Real pirates don't
|
||||
make prank phone calls. Real pirates
|
||||
don't advertise their bbs/ae/catsend
|
||||
lines without keeping them up. Real
|
||||
pirates run a bbs/ae/catsend line 24
|
||||
hours a day or they don't run one at
|
||||
all. Real pirates have two phone
|
||||
lines. Real pirates realize that they
|
||||
asked for it when they get a call for
|
||||
their bbs/ae/catsend line at the wrong
|
||||
time of the day. Real pirates know
|
||||
that the South Pole is located in the
|
||||
U.S.A.
|
||||
Real pirates don't put their name
|
||||
and numbers on other pirate's wares.
|
||||
Real pirates don't put their friends
|
||||
names on a crack just to make
|
||||
him/her/it well-known. Real pirates
|
||||
not pollute their wares with numerous
|
||||
names, groups and numbers.Real pirates
|
||||
do not update their whole system and
|
||||
collection to Prodos. Real pirates
|
||||
never run out of disk space. Real
|
||||
pirates don't trade their Apple
|
||||
II/II+/IIe in for a IIc. Real pirate
|
||||
don't bug other pirates for "new
|
||||
wares."
|
||||
Real pirates don't freak out when
|
||||
they meet a female pirate. Real
|
||||
pirates are not conceited. Real
|
||||
pirates don't make mommy buy the blank
|
||||
disks. Real pirates know how to spell.
|
||||
Real pirates don't play Stickybear
|
||||
ABC. Real pirates are not racists.
|
||||
Real pirates do not hang out on
|
||||
homo-sexual based bbs's. Real pirate
|
||||
can find in their collection what they
|
||||
know they have. Real pirates are not
|
||||
in a hurry to collect all of the
|
||||
Trillium shit. Real pirates have
|
||||
alternate ways of copying Time Zone
|
||||
other than by modem. Real pirates
|
||||
don't turn a file into a full disk so
|
||||
they can slap their tacky title page
|
||||
on to it.
|
||||
Real pirates don't join groups so
|
||||
they can become well-known. Real
|
||||
pirates don't need a reason to have
|
||||
access to a certain board or bbs. Real
|
||||
pirates do not brag to computer
|
||||
illiterates that they can break into
|
||||
banks, etc. now with their new modem
|
||||
when they know they can't. Real
|
||||
pirates don't waste their time and
|
||||
money driving miles to see other
|
||||
pirates. Real pirates do not brag of
|
||||
their alcohol/drug use; sexual desire
|
||||
and experiences; and or suicide
|
||||
attempts.
|
||||
Real pirates do not know how many
|
||||
disks they have, and do not care to
|
||||
hear the notion of how many disks that
|
||||
another pirate has. Real pirates don't
|
||||
make obnoxious noises, sounds, moans,
|
||||
groans, and tones while on a
|
||||
conference line. Real pirates don't
|
||||
get other pirates in trouble. Real
|
||||
pirates don't bill other pirates.
|
||||
(Unless he/she/it has done the same to
|
||||
you.) Real pirates don't spend their
|
||||
life typing in text-files. (Which is
|
||||
why this one is almost done.) Real
|
||||
pirates do not have to read files like
|
||||
this one, they know what they are
|
||||
already.
|
||||
And finally, Real Pirates are no
|
||||
pirates at all; They don't kill for
|
||||
their reputation...they earn it.
|
||||
-------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Hope you are not offended by anything
|
||||
writen in this text file, otherwise it
|
||||
your cue to retire pirating, coz real
|
||||
pirates are not offended by things
|
||||
writen in text files.
|
||||
|
||||
-------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
|
||||
|
||||
Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
|
||||
|
||||
& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
|
||||
Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
|
||||
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
|
||||
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
|
||||
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
|
||||
|
||||
Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
|
||||
arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
|
||||
insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
|
||||
|
||||
Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
|
||||
where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
|
||||
|
||||
"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
|
||||
|
||||
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
|
||||
152
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/power.txt
Normal file
152
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/power.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,152 @@
|
||||
THE POWER USER'S GUIDE TO POWER USERS
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users never read their software manuals; instead they get
|
||||
petty cash from their secretaries and use it to buy books which
|
||||
contain the phrase "Power User" on the cover. They then keep the
|
||||
receipt, to claim against tax.
|
||||
|
||||
Software manufacturers write their manuals badly, and in computerese,
|
||||
in order to con Power Users into buying the manual ("XYZ for the
|
||||
Power User!") a second time. This extra revenue compensates the
|
||||
manufacturers somewhat for all the people who pirate their software
|
||||
and then buy Power User Guides to replace the manuals they never
|
||||
had...
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users never read their "Power User's Guide to ..." books,
|
||||
for the same reason they didn't read the software manuals in the
|
||||
first place. They do however skim the first two chapters, in which
|
||||
they make copious annotations (e.g. underlining phrases like "to get
|
||||
a directory listing, type 'DIR C: <enter>'. Note do not type the
|
||||
word '<enter>', or the quotes.")
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users get their companies to buy them 130MHz 80586 PS/4s with
|
||||
100MB RAM and 5-gigabyte optical drives, which they bring home:
|
||||
|
||||
- to run Lotus 1-2-3G spreadsheets, producing PostScript graphs
|
||||
of their mortgage repayments;
|
||||
|
||||
- to DTP stern memos forbidding their Real Programmers from using
|
||||
unregistered shareware and PD utilities at work. For this task,
|
||||
they get their computer upgraded with a 4096x4096, 12 billion colour
|
||||
hyper-VGA video display, and the memo employs a minimum of seven
|
||||
different fonts, plus bolding and italics, with at least five
|
||||
revisions to correct spelling errors, and to order the Cc: list
|
||||
in the most politically acceptable manner), and
|
||||
|
||||
- to play pirate copies of Tetris and PC-Golf which they haven't
|
||||
realised are infected with a virus.
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users scold their children for referring to their machines as
|
||||
personal computers. "It's NOT a PC, Jimmy, it's my Professional
|
||||
Workstation, No Intergalactic Space Zombies for you tonight! Now, go
|
||||
to your room!"
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users get an identically equipped PC at work, so they can do
|
||||
the work they would do at home, if only ten-year-old Jimmy would stop
|
||||
playing Intergalactic Space Zombies for five consecutive minutes. The
|
||||
money for this PC comes out of the Real Programmers' software tools
|
||||
budget for the next three years.
|
||||
|
||||
Having worked out their mortagage repayments for the next 100 years,
|
||||
and having failed consistently to beat ten-year old Jimmy at
|
||||
Intergalactic Space Zombies, Power Users never touch their computers
|
||||
again; at work, they keep themselves occupied in meetings, so nobody
|
||||
will see them staring blankly at their PC screen. Meanwhile, the Real
|
||||
Programmers who work for them struggle by with aging IBM PCs (the
|
||||
originals ones, with a grudgingly-added Tallgrass disk drives -
|
||||
yuck!)
|
||||
|
||||
Rather than read their "Real Users Guide to..." books, Power Users
|
||||
turn to their ten-year-old kids for technical advice ("yes, Jimmy,
|
||||
I understand that, but how do I get the directory on the _D_ drive?")
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users get frustrated when they press the 'Print Screen' key and
|
||||
nothing happens: they thump it a dozen times before realising they've
|
||||
left the printer off-line.
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users sneak their children in outside office hours to work out
|
||||
why their spreadsheet figures don't add up and the Chairman's end-of-
|
||||
quarter report is due tomorrow.
|
||||
|
||||
In a strange twist of human psychology, the ten-year-old children of
|
||||
Power Users think that when they grow up, they'll become Real
|
||||
Programmers and make shit loads of money writing a game better than
|
||||
Intergalactic Space Zombies. (Sadly, they end up chugging out
|
||||
accounting software for Power Users.)
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users could master any PC application, if only they could figure
|
||||
out how to start it ("Uhhhm, it must be on this menu somewhere..".)
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users attend innumerable Power User courses, where they get a
|
||||
set of loose-leaf binders of notes they never read (but whose titles
|
||||
in genuine imitation gold leaf look impressive beside the "Power
|
||||
User's Guide to..." books which now accumulate a thick layer of dust
|
||||
on the shelf). They also drink a lot, and commiserate with each other
|
||||
how their Real Programmer subordinates are a bunch of overpaid,
|
||||
long-haired layabouts who can't be coerced into wearing shirts and
|
||||
ties, never mind a suit; and of course to swap Power Techniques like
|
||||
how to format a 360k disk in a 1.2MB drive and thus get more than 360k
|
||||
of data onto it ("I'll have my secretary call IBM Technical Support
|
||||
about all the bad sector things I'm getting on this disk.")
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users carry a pocket calculator for working out the cell values
|
||||
in their Lotus spreadsheets ("Um, I guess I didn't get to the section
|
||||
on formulas yet in my 'Power Users Guide to Lotus 1-2-3'".)
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users think "Your computer is stoned" is part of the DOS copyright
|
||||
banner.
|
||||
|
||||
The ten-year-old children Power Users mischievously stick pieces of
|
||||
cheese into every crevice of their parent's mouse, not realising that
|
||||
this causes testicular problems later in life (for the MOUSE, twit!).
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users don't think that last joke was funny.
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users get their secretaries to call IBM Technical Support to fix
|
||||
their defective mouse, because they're too embarassed to asked any of
|
||||
their Real Programmer subordinates how to open it to remove the cheese.
|
||||
|
||||
When nobody is looking, Power Users pretend their mouse is a toy car,
|
||||
and race it around the desk.
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users keep a large box of tissues on their desk to wipe the
|
||||
saliva off the screen after playing Test Drive (BRRRRRM! BRRRRRM!)
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users can't figure out how to make their modems stop auto-answering,
|
||||
so they alway lunge on their phone when it rings in an effort to beat it.
|
||||
They're never fast enough, and spend the first 30 seconds of the
|
||||
conversation apologising, while the modem auto-ranges, and they
|
||||
earnestly promise that they'll have their secretary call IBM Technical
|
||||
Support to have the problem rectified.
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users panic when they lose those dumb keyboard templates that
|
||||
come with programs like Turd Perfect (which are too brain-dead to have
|
||||
a decent user interface). They invariably mix up the templates when
|
||||
switching between programs.
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users have problems with Windows, when they have two or more
|
||||
applications running, but room for only one keyboard template.
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users buy those dumb mice that have a nearly full ASCII keyboard
|
||||
built-in to them ("Swiss Army Mouse (tm)").
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users believe computer salesmen.
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users will buy ANY program that makes wild promises on the box
|
||||
about increasing productivity. These boxes always look impressive on
|
||||
the bookshelf, beside the "Power User" books and course notes.
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users use MicroJerk ProjectMeister to schedule their wife's
|
||||
pregnancy, and get confused when they can't work out how to assign
|
||||
tasks and set milestones. They try to persuade the obstetrician to
|
||||
induce labour when she's late.
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users unreservedly believe their MicroJerk ProjectMeister when
|
||||
it says the project will be complete at 5pm on the last Friday in
|
||||
September next year, but eighteen months later, they won't believe the
|
||||
Real Programmer who says it'll be done "Real Soon Now (tm)".
|
||||
|
||||
Power Users believe the ads for 4GLs and Application Generator
|
||||
packages, and think that in two weeks they'll be able to fire all
|
||||
their Real Programmers. (Ha ha ha... remember "The Last One"?)
|
||||
|
||||
117
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pyros.hum
Normal file
117
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/pyros.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,117 @@
|
||||
|
||||
Uploaded By: THE LOCKSMITH
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
a //////\/\\\\\\
|
||||
////// \\\\\\
|
||||
////// \\\\\\egaDeath presentation...
|
||||
|
||||
*******************************************************************************
|
||||
* *
|
||||
*-----------------------------The Real Pyros Guide----------------------------*
|
||||
* *
|
||||
* Written by The Locksmith *
|
||||
* Thanx to The Fixer and The Bestest *
|
||||
* *
|
||||
* a MegaDeath Inc. production *
|
||||
* Copywrong (x) 1987 *
|
||||
* *
|
||||
*******************************************************************************
|
||||
|
||||
The Pipeline.....................................................(604) 479-2905
|
||||
Heart of Gold....................................................(604) 658-1581
|
||||
|
||||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Well, we here at MegaDeath Inc. feel that there would be more pyros in the
|
||||
world if they had a guide to being a REAL pyro. Anyways, here we go...
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros blow things up just for the fun of it.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros get A's in science.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros always take revenge on their enemies.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros always have some kind of explosive on them.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros get good grades because they threaten their teachers.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros like the Avon Lady because they can give her a rough time.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros would never be caught dead working on a TRS-80 or other lesser
|
||||
machine.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros never stay home on a Friday or Saturday night.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros are creating havoc on those nights.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros love Halloween.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros love their moms but wouldn't hesitate to blow her up if necessary.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros don't show mercy.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros have been thrown out of atleast one school.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros have destroyed atleast one car or other equivelent.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros have almost blown themselves up trying to make "THE BETTER BOMB".
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros have no TRUE friends (heh heh).
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros love hate.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros can not be defined as "normal".
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros are pyros.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros love Russia and other communist coutries.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros listen to the news to see who is winning between Iraq and Iran.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros would not hesitate to severly injure someone for their own profit.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros hang aroud other real pyros.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros never "stand on guard for thee" when applying to the national
|
||||
anthem.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros like living dangerously.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros watch horror movies.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros like to give their grandmas heart attacks.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros like hurting the girl when having sex.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros idolize Hitler.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros don't screw hookers, but rather blow them up.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros don't rape girls, but just tell them kindly that if they do not
|
||||
remove their clothes they will blown up.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros never watch movies like ON GOLDEN POND or ORDINARY PEOPLE, but
|
||||
rather movies like NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and FRIDAY THE 13th series.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros wished their parents had named them Jason.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros don't buy fireworks, they sell them.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros hate cops or other lawful groups.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros shoplift for the thrill of it.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pyros really know that Gorbechov is really a nice guy at heart.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Well, that is it for now, prepare yourself, for number ][ is coming soon...
|
||||
|
||||
This has been a MegaDeath Inc. presentation. Finished on 02/13/87.
|
||||
|
||||
The Locksmith and The Fixer and everyone else here at MegaDeath Inc. would like
|
||||
to thank all the nice victims who helped us with this file. We take all
|
||||
responsability for what happens to you if you follow this guide.
|
||||
|
||||
87
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/quiche.txt
Normal file
87
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/quiche.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,87 @@
|
||||
Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and
|
||||
palate-scorching Szechwan food.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write application programs, they program right
|
||||
down on the bare metal. Application programming is for dullards who
|
||||
can't do system programming.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don`t write specs. Users should be grateful for
|
||||
whatever they get; they are lucky to get any programs at all.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't comment their code. If if was hard to write
|
||||
it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who
|
||||
can't read listings or the object code.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are (after all)
|
||||
the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look
|
||||
how much it did for them.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the
|
||||
hallmark of the novice and the coward.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don`t write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits
|
||||
who maintain ancient payroll programs.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business
|
||||
Oriented Laymen who can't run a business nor a real program.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for wimp
|
||||
engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite state
|
||||
analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal
|
||||
retentives who can't choose between COBOL and Fortran.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in
|
||||
BASIC after reaching puberty.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be
|
||||
written on one line.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain
|
||||
more parenthesis than actual code.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't program in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any of those
|
||||
other sissy computer sicence languages. Strong typing is a crutch for
|
||||
people with weak memories.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't use any of those namby-pamby screen editors.
|
||||
Instead, Real Programmers edit with DISKZAP.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers programs never work right the first time. But if
|
||||
you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order
|
||||
in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are
|
||||
around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires
|
||||
a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers
|
||||
wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring
|
||||
up in the middle of the office.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming
|
||||
is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained.
|
||||
They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an
|
||||
otherwise clear desk.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't like the Team Programming concept. Unless of
|
||||
course, they are the Chief Programmer.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers never "write" memos. They "send" memos via the network.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary
|
||||
evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters,
|
||||
senior planners, and other mental defectives.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point
|
||||
was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big".
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs,
|
||||
Lincolns, or pickup trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are
|
||||
highly regarded.
|
||||
|
||||
36
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real.pro
Normal file
36
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real.pro
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,36 @@
|
||||
Editor's Note: This article is written in UPPER case so that it
|
||||
will not be taken lightly.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T EAT QUICHE
|
||||
---------------------------------
|
||||
RP DON'T EAT QUICHE. IN FACT, RP DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL QUICHE.
|
||||
THEY EAT TWINKIES AND SZECHWAN FOOD.
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS (RP) DON'T WRITE SPECS -- USERS SHOULD CONSIDER
|
||||
THEMSELVES LUCKY TO GET ANY PROGRAMS AT ALL AND TAKE WHAT THEY GET.
|
||||
RP DON'T COMMENT THEIR CODE. IF IT IS HARD TO WRITE, IT SHOULD BE HARD
|
||||
TO UNDERSTAND.
|
||||
RP DON'T WRITE APPLICATIONS PROGRAMS; THEY PROGRAM RIGHT DOWN TO THE
|
||||
BARE METAL. APPLICATIONS PROGRAMMING IS FOR DWEEBS WHO CAN'T DO
|
||||
SYSTEMS PROGRAMMING.
|
||||
RP DON'T WRITE IN COBOL. COBOL IS FOR WIMPY APPLICATIONS PROGRAMMERS.
|
||||
RP' PROGRAMS NEVER WORK RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. BUT IF YOU THROW THEM ON
|
||||
THE MACHINE THEY CAN BE PATCHED INTO WORKING IN "ONLY A FEW" 30-HOUR
|
||||
DEBUGGING SESSIONS.
|
||||
RP DON'T WRITE IN FORTRAN. FORTRAN IS FOR PIPE-STRESS FREAKS AND
|
||||
CRYSTALLOGRAPHY WEENIES.
|
||||
RP NEVER WORK 9-5. IF ANY RP ARE EVEN AROUND AT 9AM, THEY WERE UP
|
||||
ALL NIGHT.
|
||||
RP NEVER WRITE IN BASIC. ACTUALLY, NO PROGRAMMERS EVER WRITE IN BASIC
|
||||
AFTER THE AGE OF 12.
|
||||
RP DON'T WRITE IN PL/1. PL/1 IS FOR PROGRAMMERS THAT CAN'T DECIDE
|
||||
BETWEEN COBOL AND FORTRAN.
|
||||
RP DON'T PLAY TENNIS, OR ANY OTHER SPORT THAT REQUIRES YOU TO CHANGE
|
||||
CLOTHES. MOUNTAIN CLIMBING IS OK, AND RP WEAR THEIR CLIMBING BOOTS
|
||||
TO WORK IN CASE A MOUNTAIN SUDDENLY SPRINGS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
|
||||
MACHINE ROOM.
|
||||
RP DON'T WRITE IN PASCAL, OR BLISS, OR ADA, OR ANY OF THOSE PINKO
|
||||
COMPUTER SCIENCE LANGUAGES. STRONGB TYPING IS FOR PEOPLE WITH WEAK
|
||||
MINDS.
|
||||
RP DON'T DOCUMENT. DOCUMENTATION IS FOR SIMPS WHO CAN'T READ THE
|
||||
LISTINGS OR THE OBJECT DECK.
|
||||
|
||||
563
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_p.rog
Normal file
563
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_p.rog
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,563 @@
|
||||
Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal
|
||||
|
||||
Ed Post
|
||||
Tektronix
|
||||
|
||||
Back in the good old days--the "Golden Era" of
|
||||
computers--it was easy to separate the men from the boys
|
||||
(sometimes called "Real Men" and "Quiche Eaters" in the
|
||||
literature). During this period, the Real Men were the ones
|
||||
that understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters
|
||||
were the ones that didn't. A real computer programmer said
|
||||
things like "DO 10 I=1,10" and "ABEND" (they actually talked
|
||||
in capital letters, you understand), and the rest of the
|
||||
world said things like "computers are too complicated for
|
||||
me" and "I can't relate to computers--they're so
|
||||
impersonal". A previous work [1] points out that Real Men
|
||||
don't "relate" to anything, and aren't afraid of being
|
||||
impersonal.
|
||||
|
||||
But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a
|
||||
world in which little old ladies can get computers in their
|
||||
microwave ovens, 12-year-old kids can blow Real Men out of
|
||||
the water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and anyone can buy
|
||||
and even understand their very own Personal Computer. The
|
||||
Real Programmer is in danger of becoming extinct, of being
|
||||
replaced by high-school students with TRASH-80's.
|
||||
|
||||
There is a clear need to point out the differences
|
||||
between the typical high-school junior Pac-Man player and a
|
||||
Real Programmer. If this difference is made clear, it will
|
||||
give these kids something to aspire to--a role model, a
|
||||
father figure. It will also help explain to the employers
|
||||
of Real Programmers why it would be a mistake to replace the
|
||||
Real Programmers on their staff with 12-year-old Pac-Man
|
||||
players (at a considerable salary savings).
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
LANGUAGES
|
||||
---------
|
||||
|
||||
The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the
|
||||
crowd is by the programming language he (or she) uses. Real
|
||||
Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche Eaters use PASCAL.
|
||||
Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of PASCAL, gave a talk once at
|
||||
which he was asked "How do you pronounce your name?". He
|
||||
replied, "You can call me by name, pronouncing it 'Virt', or
|
||||
call be by value, 'Worth'." One can tell immediately from
|
||||
this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche Eater. The
|
||||
only parameter-passing mechanism endorsed by Real
|
||||
Programmers is call-by-value-return, as implemented in the
|
||||
IBM/370 FORTRAN-G and like compilers. Real programmers
|
||||
don't need all these abstract concepts to get their jobs
|
||||
done; they are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a FORTRAN
|
||||
IV compiler, and a beer.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers do string manipulation in FORTRAN.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers do acounting (if they do it at
|
||||
all) in FORTRAN.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence
|
||||
programs in FORTRAN.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in Assembly
|
||||
language. If you can't do it in Assembly, it isn't worth
|
||||
doing.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING
|
||||
----------------------
|
||||
|
||||
The academics in computer science have gotten into the
|
||||
"structured programming" rut over the past several years.
|
||||
They claim that programs are more easily understood if the
|
||||
programmer uses some special language constructs and
|
||||
techniques. They don't all agree on exactly which
|
||||
constructs, of course, and the examples they use to show
|
||||
their particular point of view invariably fit on a single
|
||||
page of some obscure journal or another--clearly not enough
|
||||
of an example to convince anyone. When I got out of school,
|
||||
I thought I was the best programmer in the world. I could
|
||||
write an unbeatable tic-tac-toe program, use five different
|
||||
computer languages, and create 1000-line programs that
|
||||
WORKED. (Really!) Then I got out into the Real World. My
|
||||
first task in the Real World was to read and understand a
|
||||
200,000-line FORTRAN program, then speed it up by a factor
|
||||
of two. Any Real Programmer will tell you that all the
|
||||
Structured Coding in the world won't help you solve a
|
||||
problem like that--it takes actual talent. Some quick
|
||||
observations on Real Programmers and Structured Programming:
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops
|
||||
without getting confused.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements--
|
||||
they make the code more interesting.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers write self-modifying code,
|
||||
especially if they can save 20 nanoseconds in the
|
||||
middle of a tight loop.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers don't need comments--the code is
|
||||
obvious.
|
||||
|
||||
* Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF,
|
||||
REPEAT...UNTIL, or CASE statement, Real Programmers
|
||||
don't have to worry about not using them. Besides,
|
||||
they can be simulated when necessary using assigned
|
||||
GOTO's.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Data Structures have also gotten a lot of press lately.
|
||||
Abstract Data Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and
|
||||
Strings have become popular in certain circles. Wirth (the
|
||||
above-mentioned Quiche Eater) actually wrote an entire book
|
||||
[2] contending that you could write a program based on data
|
||||
structures, instead of the other way around. As all Real
|
||||
Programmers know, the only useful data structure is the
|
||||
Array. Strings, lists, structures, sets--these are all
|
||||
special cases of arrays and can be treated that way just as
|
||||
easily without messing up your programming language with all
|
||||
sorts of complications. The worst thing about fancy data
|
||||
types is that you have to declare them, and Real Programming
|
||||
Languages, as we all know, have implicit typing based on the
|
||||
first letter of the (six character) variable name.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
OPERATING SYSTEMS
|
||||
-----------------
|
||||
|
||||
What kind of operating system is used by a Real
|
||||
Programmer? CP/M? God forbid--CP/M, after all, is
|
||||
basically a toy operating system. Even little old ladies
|
||||
and grade school students can understand and use CP/M.
|
||||
|
||||
Unix is a lot more complicated of course--the typical
|
||||
Unix hacker never can remember what the PRINT command is
|
||||
called this week--but when it gets right down to it, Unix is
|
||||
a glorified video game. People don't do Serious Work on
|
||||
Unix systems: they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net
|
||||
and write adventure games and research papers.
|
||||
|
||||
No, your Real Programmer uses OS\370. A good
|
||||
programmer can find and understand the description of the
|
||||
IJK305I error he just got in his JCL manual. A great
|
||||
programmer can write JCL without referring to the manual at
|
||||
all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs buried in
|
||||
a six-megabyte core dump without using a hex calculator. (I
|
||||
have actually seen this done.)
|
||||
|
||||
OS is a truly remarkable operating system. It's
|
||||
possible to destroy days of work with a single misplaced
|
||||
space, so alertness in the programming staff is encouraged.
|
||||
The best way to approach the system is through a keypunch.
|
||||
Some people claim there is a Timesharing System that runs on
|
||||
OS\370, but after careful study I have come to the
|
||||
conclusion that they were mistaken.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
PROGRAMMING TOOLS
|
||||
----------------
|
||||
|
||||
What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In
|
||||
theory, a Real Programmer could run his programs by keying
|
||||
them into the front panel of the computer. Back in the days
|
||||
when computers had front panels, this was actually done
|
||||
occasionally. Your typical Real Programmer knew the entire
|
||||
bootstrap loader by memory in hex, and toggled it in
|
||||
whenever it got destroyed by his program. (Back then,
|
||||
memory was memory--it didn't go away when the power went
|
||||
off. Today, memory either forgets things when you don't
|
||||
want it to, or remembers things long after they're better
|
||||
forgotten.) Legend has it that Seymore Cray, inventor of the
|
||||
Cray I supercomputer and most of Control Data's computers,
|
||||
actually toggled the first operating system for the CDC7600
|
||||
in on the front panel from memory when it was first powered
|
||||
on. Seymore, needless to say, is a Real Programmer.
|
||||
|
||||
One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems
|
||||
programmer for Texas Instruments. One day he got a long-
|
||||
distance call from a user whose system had crashed in the
|
||||
middle of saving some important work. Jim was able to
|
||||
repair the damage over the phone, getting the user to toggle
|
||||
in disk I/O instructions at the front panel, repairing
|
||||
system tables in hex, reading register contents back over
|
||||
the phone. The moral of this story: while a Real
|
||||
Programmer usually includes a keypunch and lineprinter in
|
||||
his toolkit, he can get along with just a front panel and a
|
||||
telephone in emergencies.
|
||||
|
||||
In some companies, text editing no longer consists of
|
||||
ten engineers standing in line to use an 029 keypunch. In
|
||||
fact, the building I work in doesn't contain a single
|
||||
keypunch. The Real Programmer in this situation has to do
|
||||
his work with a "text editor" program. Most systems supply
|
||||
several text editors to select from, and the Real Programmer
|
||||
must be careful to pick one that reflects his personal
|
||||
style. Many people believe that the best text editors in
|
||||
the world were written at Xerox Palo Alto Research Center
|
||||
for use on their Alto and Dorado computers [3].
|
||||
Unfortunately, no Real Programmer would ever use a computer
|
||||
whose operating system is called SmallTalk, and would
|
||||
certainly not talk to the computer with a mouse.
|
||||
|
||||
Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been
|
||||
incorporated into editors running on more reasonably named
|
||||
operating systems--EMACS and VI being two. The problem with
|
||||
these editors is that Real Programmers consider "what you
|
||||
see is what you get" to be just as bad a concept in Text
|
||||
Editors as it is in women. No the Real Programmer wants a
|
||||
"you asked for it, you got it" text editor--complicated,
|
||||
cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. TECO, to be
|
||||
precise.
|
||||
|
||||
It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more
|
||||
closely resembles transmission line noise than readable text
|
||||
[4]. One of the more entertaining games to play with TECO
|
||||
is to type your name in as a command line and try to guess
|
||||
what it does. Just about any possible typing error while
|
||||
talking with TECO will probably destroy your program--or
|
||||
even worse, introduce subtle and mysterious bugs in a once
|
||||
working subroutine.
|
||||
|
||||
For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to
|
||||
actually edit a program that is close to working. They find
|
||||
it much easier to just patch the binary object code
|
||||
directly, using a wonderful program called SUPERZAP (or its
|
||||
equivalent on non-IBM machines). This works so well that
|
||||
many working programs on IBM systems bear no relation to the
|
||||
original FORTRAN code. In many cases, the original source
|
||||
code is no longer available. When it comes time to fix a
|
||||
program like this, no manager would even think of sending
|
||||
anything less than a Real Programmer to do the job--no
|
||||
Quiche Eating structured programmer would even know where to
|
||||
start. This is called "job security".
|
||||
|
||||
Some programming tools NOT used by Real Programmers:
|
||||
|
||||
* FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. The
|
||||
Cuisinarts of programming--great for making Quiche.
|
||||
See comments above on structured programming.
|
||||
|
||||
* Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can
|
||||
read core dumps.
|
||||
|
||||
* Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle
|
||||
creativity, destroy most of the interesting uses
|
||||
for EQUIVALENCE, and make it impossible to modify
|
||||
the operating system code with negative subscripts.
|
||||
Worst of all, bounds checking is inefficient.
|
||||
|
||||
* Source code maintenance systems. A Real Programmer
|
||||
keeps his code locked up in a card file, because it
|
||||
implies that its owner cannot leave his important
|
||||
programs unguarded [5].
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK
|
||||
---------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind
|
||||
of programs are worthy of the efforts of so talented an
|
||||
individual? You can be sure that no Real Programmer would
|
||||
be caught dead writing accounts-receivable programs in
|
||||
COBOL, or sorting mailing lists for People magazine. A Real
|
||||
Programmer wants tasks of earth-shaking importance
|
||||
(literally!).
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National
|
||||
Laboratory, writing atomic bomb simulations to run
|
||||
on Cray I supercomputers.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers work for the National Security
|
||||
Agency, decoding Russian transmissions.
|
||||
|
||||
* It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of
|
||||
Real Programmers working for NASA that our boys got
|
||||
to the moon and back before the Russkies.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing
|
||||
the operating systems for cruise missiles.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work
|
||||
at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. Many of
|
||||
them know the entire operating system of the Pioneer and
|
||||
Voyager spacecraft by heart. With a combination of large
|
||||
ground-based FORTRAN programs and small spacecraft-based
|
||||
assembly language programs, they are able to do incredible
|
||||
feats of navigation and improvisation--hitting ten-
|
||||
kilometer-wide windows at Saturn after six years in space,
|
||||
repairing or bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios, and
|
||||
batteries. Allegedly, one Real Programmer managed to tuck a
|
||||
pattern-matching program into a few hundred bytes of unused
|
||||
memory in a Voyager spacecraft that searched for, located,
|
||||
and photographed a new moon of Jupiter.
|
||||
|
||||
The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a
|
||||
gravity assist trajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter.
|
||||
This trajectory passes within 80 +/-3 kilometers of the
|
||||
surface of Mars. Nobody is going to trust a PASCAL program
|
||||
(or a PASCAL programmer) for navigation to these tolerances.
|
||||
|
||||
As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers
|
||||
work for the U.S. Government--mainly the Defense
|
||||
Department. This is as it should be. Recently, however, a
|
||||
black cloud has formed on the Real Programmer horizon. It
|
||||
seems that some highly placed Quiche Eaters at the Defense
|
||||
Department decided that all defense programs should be
|
||||
written in some grand unified language called "ADA". For a
|
||||
while, it seemed that ADA was destined to become a language
|
||||
that went against all the precepts of Real Programming--a
|
||||
language with structure, a language with data types, strong
|
||||
typing, and semicolons. In short, a language designed to
|
||||
cripple the creativity of the typical Real Programmer.
|
||||
Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD has enough
|
||||
interesting features to make it approachable--it's
|
||||
incredibly complex, includes methods for messing with the
|
||||
operating system and rearranging memory, and Edsgar Dijkstra
|
||||
doesn't like it [6]. (Dijkstra, as I;m sure you know, was
|
||||
the author of "GoTos Considered Harmful"--a landmark work in
|
||||
programming methodology, applauded by PASCAL programmers and
|
||||
Quiche Eaters alike.) Besides, the determined Real
|
||||
Programmer can write FORTRAN programs in any language.
|
||||
|
||||
The Real Programmer might compromise his principles and
|
||||
work on something slightly more trivial than the destruction
|
||||
of life as we know it, providing there's enough money in it.
|
||||
There are several Real Programmers building video games at
|
||||
Atari, for example. (But not playing them--a Real
|
||||
Programmer knows how to beat the machine every time: no
|
||||
challenge in that.) Everyone working at LucasFilm is a Real
|
||||
Programmer. (It would be crazy to turn down the money of
|
||||
fifty million Star Trek fans.) The proportion of Real
|
||||
Programmers in Computer Graphics is somewhat lower than the
|
||||
norm, mostly because nobody has found a use for computer
|
||||
graphics yet. On the other hand, all computer graphics is
|
||||
done in FORTRAN, {so there are a fair number of people doing
|
||||
graphics in order to avoid having to write COBOL programs.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY
|
||||
---------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he
|
||||
works--with computers. He is constantly amazed that his
|
||||
employer actually pays him to do what he would be doing for
|
||||
fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this
|
||||
opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does
|
||||
step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer
|
||||
or two. Some tips on recognizing Real Programmers away from
|
||||
the computer room:
|
||||
|
||||
* At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in
|
||||
the corner talking about operating system security
|
||||
and how to get around it.
|
||||
|
||||
* At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one
|
||||
comparing the plays against his simulations printed
|
||||
on 11x14 fanfold paper.
|
||||
|
||||
* At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one
|
||||
drawing flowcharts in the sand.
|
||||
|
||||
* At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying
|
||||
"Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine
|
||||
working before the coronary."
|
||||
|
||||
* In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one
|
||||
who insists on running the cans past the laser
|
||||
checkout himself, because he never could trust
|
||||
keypunch operators to get it right the first time.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT
|
||||
-------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
What sort of environment does the Real Programmer
|
||||
function best in? This is an important question for the
|
||||
managers of Real Programmers. Considering the amount of
|
||||
money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put
|
||||
him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work
|
||||
done.
|
||||
|
||||
The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a
|
||||
computer terminal. Surrounding this terminal are:
|
||||
|
||||
* Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has
|
||||
ever worked on, piled in roughly chronological
|
||||
order on every flat surface in the office.
|
||||
|
||||
* Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold
|
||||
coffee. Occasionally, there will be cigarette
|
||||
butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the
|
||||
cups will contain Orange Crush.
|
||||
|
||||
* Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the
|
||||
OS JCL manual and the Principles of Operation open
|
||||
to some particularly interesting pages.
|
||||
|
||||
* Taped to the wall is a lineprinter Snoopy calendar
|
||||
of the year 1969.
|
||||
|
||||
* Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for
|
||||
peanut butter filled cheese bars--the type that are
|
||||
made pre-stale at the bakery so they can't get any
|
||||
worse while waiting in the vending machine.
|
||||
|
||||
* Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a
|
||||
stash of double-stuffed Oreos for special
|
||||
occasions.
|
||||
|
||||
* Underneath the Oreos is a flowcharting template,
|
||||
left there by the previous occupant of the office.
|
||||
(Real Programmers write programs, not
|
||||
documentation. Leave that to the maintenance
|
||||
people.)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even
|
||||
50 hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he
|
||||
prefers it that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the
|
||||
Real Programmer--it gives him a chance to catch a little
|
||||
sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule
|
||||
pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things
|
||||
more challenging by working on the small but interesting
|
||||
part of the problem for the first nine weeks, then finishing
|
||||
the rest in the last week, in two or three 50-hour
|
||||
marathons. This not only impresses the hell out of his
|
||||
manager, who was despairing of ever getting the project done
|
||||
on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the
|
||||
documentation. In general:
|
||||
|
||||
* No Real Programmer works 9 to 5 (unless it's the
|
||||
ones at night).
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers don't wear neckties.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers don't wear high-heeled shoes.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch
|
||||
[9].
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers might or might not know their
|
||||
spouse's name. They do, however, know the entire
|
||||
ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery
|
||||
stores aren't open at three in the morning. Real
|
||||
Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
THE FUTURE
|
||||
----------
|
||||
|
||||
What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to
|
||||
Real Programmers that the latest generation of computer
|
||||
programmers are not being brought up with the same outlook
|
||||
on life as their elders. many of them have never seen a
|
||||
computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from
|
||||
school these days can do hex arithmetic without a
|
||||
calculator. College graduates these days are soft--
|
||||
protected from the realities of programming by source-level
|
||||
debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and "user
|
||||
friendly" operating systems. Worst of all, some of these
|
||||
alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees without
|
||||
ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an
|
||||
industry of Unix hackers and PASCAL programmers?
|
||||
|
||||
From my experience, I can only report that the future
|
||||
is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. Neither OS\370
|
||||
nor FORTRAN show any signs of dying out, despite all the
|
||||
efforts of PASCAL programmers the world over. Even more
|
||||
subtle tricks, like adding structured coding constructs to
|
||||
FORTRAN have failed. Oh sure, some computer vendors have
|
||||
come out with FORTRAN 77 compilers, but every one of them
|
||||
has a way of converting itself back into a FORTRAN 66
|
||||
compiler at the drop of an option card--to compile DO loops
|
||||
as God meant them to be.
|
||||
|
||||
Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it
|
||||
once was. The latest release of Unix has the potential of
|
||||
an operating system worthy of any Real Programmer--two
|
||||
different and subtly incompatible user interfaces, an arcane
|
||||
and complicated teletype driver, and virtual memory. If you
|
||||
ignore the fact that it's "structured", even 'C' programming
|
||||
can be appreciated by the Real Programmer: after all,
|
||||
there's no type checking, variable names are seven (ten?
|
||||
eight?) characters long, and the added bonus of the Pointer
|
||||
data type is thrown in--like having the best parts of
|
||||
FORTRAN and assembly language in one place (not to mention
|
||||
some of the more creative uses for #DEFINE).
|
||||
|
||||
No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the past
|
||||
few years, the popular press has even commented on the
|
||||
bright new crop of computer nerds and hackers ([7] and [8])
|
||||
leaving places like Stanford and M.I.T. for the Real World.
|
||||
From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on
|
||||
in these young men and women. As long as there are ill-
|
||||
defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules,
|
||||
there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
|
||||
The Problem, saving the documentation for later. Long live
|
||||
FORTRAN!
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
ACKNOWLEGEMENT
|
||||
--------------
|
||||
|
||||
I would like to thank Jan E., Dave S., Rich G., Rich
|
||||
E., for their help in characterizing the Real Programmer,
|
||||
Kathy E. for putting up with it, and atd!avsdS:mark for the
|
||||
initial inspiration.
|
||||
|
||||
[DEC hacker note: this came from a paper that surfaced
|
||||
in Bedford, unsigned. The author apparently is a Unix
|
||||
hacker (note the node name). Does anyone know where this
|
||||
came from?]
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
REFERENCES
|
||||
----------
|
||||
|
||||
[1] Feirstein, B., "Real Men don't Eat Quiche", New
|
||||
York, Pocket Books, 1982.
|
||||
|
||||
[2] Wirth, N., "Algorithms + Data Structures =
|
||||
Programs", Prentice Hall, 1976.
|
||||
|
||||
[3] Ilson, R., "Recent Research in Text Processing",
|
||||
IEEE Trans. Prof. Commun., Vol. PC-23, No. 4,
|
||||
Dec. 4, 1980.
|
||||
|
||||
[4] Finseth, C., "Theory and Practice of Text Editors--
|
||||
or--a Cookbook for an EMACS", B.S. Thesis,
|
||||
MIT/LCS/PM-165, Massachusetts Institute of
|
||||
Technology, May 1980.
|
||||
|
||||
[5] Weinberg, G., "The Psychology of Computer
|
||||
Programming", New York, Van Nostrand Reinhold,
|
||||
1971, p. 110.
|
||||
|
||||
[6] Dijkstra, E., "On the GREEN language submitted to
|
||||
the DoD", Sigplan notices, Vol. 3 No. 10, Oct
|
||||
1978.
|
||||
|
||||
[7] Rose, Frank, "Joy of Hacking", Science 82, Vol. 3
|
||||
No. 9, Nov 82, pp. 58-66.
|
||||
|
||||
[8] "The Hacker Papers", Psychology Today, August 1980.
|
||||
|
||||
[9] sdcarl!lin, "Real Programmers", UUCP-net, Thu Oct
|
||||
21 16:55:16 1982
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
556
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_pro.pas
Normal file
556
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_pro.pas
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,556 @@
|
||||
March 24, 1983
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL
|
||||
Ed Post
|
||||
Tektronix, Inc.
|
||||
P.O. Box 1000 m/s 63-205
|
||||
Wilsonville, OR 97070
|
||||
Copyright (c) 1982
|
||||
(decvax | ucbvax | cbosg | pur-ee | lbl-unix)!teklabs!iddic!evp
|
||||
|
||||
Back in the good old days -- the "Golden Era" of com-
|
||||
puters, it was easy to separate the men from the boys (some-
|
||||
times called "Real Men" and "Quiche Eaters" in the litera-
|
||||
ture). During this period, the Real Men were the ones that
|
||||
understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters were
|
||||
the ones that didn't. A real computer programmer said things
|
||||
like "DO 10 I=1,10" and "ABEND" (they actually talked in
|
||||
capital letters, you understand), and the rest of the world
|
||||
said things like "computers are too complicated for me" and
|
||||
"I can't relate to computers -- they're so impersonal". (A
|
||||
previous work [1] points out that Real Men don't "relate" to
|
||||
anything, and aren't afraid of being impersonal.)
|
||||
|
||||
But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a
|
||||
world in which little old ladies can get computers in their
|
||||
microwave ovens, 12 year old kids can blow Real Men out of
|
||||
the water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and anyone can buy
|
||||
and even understand their very own Personal Computer. The
|
||||
Real Programmer is in danger of becoming extinct, of being
|
||||
replaced by high-school students with TRASH-80s.
|
||||
|
||||
There is a clear need to point out the differences
|
||||
between the typical high-school junior Pac-Man player and a
|
||||
Real Programmer. If this difference is made clear, it will
|
||||
give these kids something to aspire to -- a role model, a
|
||||
Father Figure. It will also help explain to the employers of
|
||||
Real Programmers why it would be a mistake to replace the
|
||||
Real Programmers on their staff with 12 year old Pac-Man
|
||||
players (at a considerable salary savings).
|
||||
|
||||
LANGUAGES
|
||||
---------
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the
|
||||
crowd is by the programming language he (or she) uses. Real
|
||||
Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus
|
||||
Wirth, the designer of PASCAL, gave a talk once at which he
|
||||
was asked "How do you pronounce your name?". He replied,
|
||||
"You can either call me by name, pronouncing it 'Veert', or
|
||||
call me by value, 'Worth'." One can tell immediately from
|
||||
this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche Eater. The only
|
||||
parameter passing mechanism endorsed by Real Programmers is
|
||||
call-by-value-return, as implemented in the IBM/370 FORTRAN
|
||||
G and H compilers. Real programmers don't need all these
|
||||
abstract concepts to get their jobs done -- they are
|
||||
perfectly happy with a keypunch, a FORTRAN IV compiler, and
|
||||
a beer.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all)
|
||||
in FORTRAN.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in
|
||||
FORTRAN.
|
||||
|
||||
If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language.
|
||||
If you can't do it in assembly language, it isn't worth
|
||||
doing.
|
||||
|
||||
STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING
|
||||
---------- -----------
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
The academics in computer science have gotten into the
|
||||
"structured programming" rut over the past several years.
|
||||
They claim that programs are more easily understood if the
|
||||
programmer uses some special language constructs and tech-
|
||||
niques. They don't all agree on exactly which constructs, of
|
||||
course, and the examples they use to show their particular
|
||||
point of view invariably fit on a single page of some
|
||||
obscure journal or another -- clearly not enough of an exam-
|
||||
ple to convince anyone. When I got out of school, I thought
|
||||
I was the best programmer in the world. I could write an
|
||||
unbeatable tic-tac-toe program, use five different computer
|
||||
languages, and create 1000 line programs that WORKED.
|
||||
(Really!) Then I got out into the Real World. My first task
|
||||
in the Real World was to read and understand a 200,000 line
|
||||
FORTRAN program, then speed it up by a factor of two. Any
|
||||
Real Programmer will tell you that all the Structured Coding
|
||||
in the world won't help you solve a problem like that -- it
|
||||
takes actual talent. Some quick observations on Real Pro-
|
||||
grammers and Structured Programming:
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTOs.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers can write five page long DO loops
|
||||
without getting confused.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements -- they
|
||||
make the code more interesting.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially
|
||||
if they can save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a
|
||||
tight loop.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is
|
||||
obvious.
|
||||
|
||||
* Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT ...
|
||||
UNTIL, or CASE statement, Real Programmers don't have
|
||||
to worry about not using them. Besides, they can be
|
||||
simulated when necessary using assigned GOTOs.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Data structures have also gotten a lot of press lately.
|
||||
Abstract Data Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and
|
||||
Strings have become popular in certain circles. Wirth (the
|
||||
above-mentioned Quiche Eater) actually wrote an entire book
|
||||
[2] contending that you could write a program based on data
|
||||
structures, instead of the other way around. As all Real
|
||||
Programmers know, the only useful data structure is the
|
||||
Array. Strings, Lists, Structures, Sets -- these are all
|
||||
special cases of arrays and can be treated that way just as
|
||||
easily without messing up your programing language with all
|
||||
sorts of complications. The worst thing about fancy data
|
||||
types is that you have to declare them, and Real Programming
|
||||
Languages, as we all know, have implicit typing based on the
|
||||
first letter of the (six character) variable name.
|
||||
|
||||
OPERATING SYSTEMS
|
||||
--------- -------
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
What kind of operating system is used by a Real Pro-
|
||||
grammer? CP/M? God forbid -- CP/M, after all, is basically
|
||||
a toy operating system. Even little old ladies and grade
|
||||
school students can understand and use CP/M.
|
||||
|
||||
Unix is a lot more complicated of course -- the typical
|
||||
Unix hacker never can remember what the PRINT command is
|
||||
called this week -- but when it gets right down to it, Unix
|
||||
is a glorified video game. People don't do Serious Work on
|
||||
Unix systems: they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net
|
||||
and write adventure games and research papers.
|
||||
|
||||
No, your Real Programmer uses OS/370. A good programmer
|
||||
can find and understand the description of the IJK305I error
|
||||
he just got in his JCL manual. A great programmer can write
|
||||
JCL without referring to the manual at all. A truly out-
|
||||
standing programmer can find bugs buried in a 6 megabyte
|
||||
core dump without using a hex calculator. (I have actually
|
||||
seen this done.)
|
||||
|
||||
OS is a truly remarkable operating system. It's possi-
|
||||
ble to destroy days of work with a single misplaced space,
|
||||
so alertness in the programming staff is encouraged. The
|
||||
best way to approach the system is through a keypunch. Some
|
||||
people claim there is a Time Sharing system that runs on
|
||||
OS/370, but after careful study I have come to the
|
||||
conclusion that they were mistaken.
|
||||
|
||||
PROGRAMMING TOOLS
|
||||
----------- -----
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In
|
||||
theory, a Real Programmer could run his programs by keying
|
||||
them into the front panel of the computer. Back in the days
|
||||
when computers had front panels, this was actually done
|
||||
occasionally. Your typical Real Programmer knew the entire
|
||||
bootstrap loader by memory in hex, and toggled it in when-
|
||||
ever it got destroyed by his program. (Back then, memory was
|
||||
memory -- it didn't go away when the power went off. Today,
|
||||
memory either forgets things when you don't want it to, or
|
||||
remembers things long after they're better forgotten.)
|
||||
Legend has it that Seymour Cray, inventor of the Cray I
|
||||
supercomputer and most of Control Data's computers, actually
|
||||
toggled the first operating system for the CDC7600 in on the
|
||||
front panel from memory when it was first powered on. Sey-
|
||||
mour, needless to say, is a Real Programmer.
|
||||
|
||||
One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems pro-
|
||||
grammer for Texas Instruments. One day, he got a long dis-
|
||||
tance call from a user whose system had crashed in the mid-
|
||||
dle of saving some important work. Jim was able to repair
|
||||
the damage over the phone, getting the user to toggle in
|
||||
disk I/O instructions at the front panel, repairing system
|
||||
tables in hex, reading register contents back over the
|
||||
phone. The moral of this story: while a Real Programmer usu-
|
||||
ally includes a keypunch and lineprinter in his toolkit, he
|
||||
can get along with just a front panel and a telephone in
|
||||
emergencies.
|
||||
|
||||
In some companies, text editing no longer consists of
|
||||
ten engineers standing in line to use an 029 keypunch. In
|
||||
fact, the building I work in doesn't contain a single
|
||||
keypunch. The Real Programmer in this situation has to do
|
||||
his work with a "text editor" program. Most systems supply
|
||||
several text editors to select from, and the Real Programmer
|
||||
must be careful to pick one that reflects his personal
|
||||
style. Many people believe that the best text editors in the
|
||||
world were written at Xerox Palo Alto Research Center for
|
||||
use on their Alto and Dorado computers [3]. Unfortunately,
|
||||
no Real Programmer would ever use a computer whose operating
|
||||
system is called SmallTalk, and would certainly not talk to
|
||||
the computer with a mouse.
|
||||
|
||||
Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been
|
||||
incorporated into editors running on more reasonably named
|
||||
operating systems -- EMACS and VI being two. The problem
|
||||
with these editors is that Real Programmers consider "what
|
||||
you see is what you get" to be just as bad a concept in Text
|
||||
Editors as it is in Women. No, the Real Programmer wants a
|
||||
"you asked for it, you got it" text editor -- complicated,
|
||||
cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. TECO, to be pre-
|
||||
cise.
|
||||
|
||||
It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more
|
||||
closely resembles transmission line noise than readable text
|
||||
[4]. One of the more entertaining games to play with TECO is
|
||||
to type your name in as a command line and try to guess what
|
||||
it does. Just about any possible typing error while talking
|
||||
with TECO will probably destroy your program, or even worse
|
||||
-- introduce subtle and mysterious bugs in a once working
|
||||
subroutine.
|
||||
|
||||
For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to
|
||||
actually edit a program that is close to working. They find
|
||||
it much easier to just patch the binary object code
|
||||
directly, using a wonderful program called SUPERZAP (or its
|
||||
equivalent on non-IBM machines). This works so well that
|
||||
many working programs on IBM systems bear no relation to the
|
||||
original FORTRAN code. In many cases, the original source
|
||||
code is no longer available. When it comes time to fix a
|
||||
program like this, no manager would even think of sending
|
||||
anything less than a Real Programmer to do the job -- no
|
||||
Quiche Eating structured programmer would even know where to
|
||||
start. This is called "job security". Some programming
|
||||
tools NOT used by Real Programmers:
|
||||
|
||||
* FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. The
|
||||
Cuisinarts of programming -- great for making Quiche.
|
||||
See comments above on structured programming.
|
||||
|
||||
* Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can read
|
||||
core dumps.
|
||||
|
||||
* Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle
|
||||
creativity, destroy most of the interesting uses for
|
||||
EQUIVALENCE, and make it impossible to modify the
|
||||
operating system code with negative subscripts. Worst
|
||||
of all, bounds checking is inefficient.
|
||||
|
||||
* Source code maintainance systems. A Real Programmer
|
||||
keeps his code locked up in a card file, because it
|
||||
implies that its owner cannot leave his important pro-
|
||||
grams unguarded [5].
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK
|
||||
--- ---- ---------- -- ----
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind
|
||||
of programs are worthy of the efforts of so talented an
|
||||
individual? You can be sure that no real Programmer would be
|
||||
caught dead writing accounts-receivable programs in COBOL,
|
||||
or sorting mailing lists for People magazine. A Real Pro-
|
||||
grammer wants tasks of earth-shaking importance
|
||||
(literally!).
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Labora-
|
||||
tory, writing atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray I
|
||||
supercomputers.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency,
|
||||
decoding Russian transmissions.
|
||||
|
||||
* It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real
|
||||
Programmers working for NASA that our boys got to the
|
||||
moon and back before the Russkies.
|
||||
|
||||
* The computers in the Space Shuttle were programmed by
|
||||
Real Programmers.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the
|
||||
operating systems for cruise missiles.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work
|
||||
at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. Many of them
|
||||
know the entire operating system of the Pioneer and Voyager
|
||||
spacecraft by heart. With a combination of large ground-
|
||||
based FORTRAN programs and small spacecraft-based assembly
|
||||
language programs, they are able to do incredible feats of
|
||||
navigation and improvisation -- hitting ten-kilometer wide
|
||||
windows at Saturn after six years in space, repairing or
|
||||
bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios, and batteries.
|
||||
Allegedly, one Real Programmer managed to tuck a pattern-
|
||||
matching program into a few hundred bytes of unused memory
|
||||
in a Voyager spacecraft that searched for, located, and pho-
|
||||
tographed a new moon of Jupiter.
|
||||
|
||||
The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a
|
||||
gravity assist trajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter.
|
||||
This trajectory passes within 80 +/- 3 kilometers of the
|
||||
surface of Mars. Nobody is going to trust a PASCAL program
|
||||
(or PASCAL programmer) for navigation to these tolerances.
|
||||
|
||||
As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers
|
||||
work for the U.S. Government -- mainly the Defense Depart-
|
||||
ment. This is as it should be. Recently, however, a black
|
||||
cloud has formed on the Real Programmer horizon. It seems
|
||||
that some highly placed Quiche Eaters at the Defense Depart-
|
||||
ment decided that all Defense programs should be written in
|
||||
some grand unified language called "ADA" ((r), DoD). For a
|
||||
while, it seemed that ADA was destined to become a language
|
||||
that went against all the precepts of Real Programming -- a
|
||||
language with structure, a language with data types, strong
|
||||
typing, and semicolons. In short, a language designed to
|
||||
cripple the creativity of the typical Real Programmer.
|
||||
Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD has enough
|
||||
interesting features to make it approachable -- it's incred-
|
||||
ibly complex, includes methods for messing with the operat-
|
||||
ing system and rearranging memory, and Edsgar Dijkstra
|
||||
doesn't like it [6]. (Dijkstra, as I'm sure you know, was
|
||||
the author of "GoTos Considered Harmful" -- a landmark work
|
||||
in programming methodology, applauded by Pascal Programmers
|
||||
and Quiche Eaters alike.) Besides, the determined Real Pro-
|
||||
grammer can write FORTRAN programs in any language.
|
||||
|
||||
The real programmer might compromise his principles and
|
||||
work on something slightly more trivial than the destruction
|
||||
of life as we know it, providing there's enough money in it.
|
||||
There are several Real Programmers building video games at
|
||||
Atari, for example. (But not playing them -- a Real Program-
|
||||
mer knows how to beat the machine every time: no challange
|
||||
in that.) Everyone working at LucasFilm is a Real Program-
|
||||
mer. (It would be crazy to turn down the money of fifty mil-
|
||||
lion Star Trek fans.) The proportion of Real Programmers in
|
||||
Computer Graphics is somewhat lower than the norm, mostly
|
||||
because nobody has found a use for Computer Graphics yet. On
|
||||
the other hand, all Computer Graphics is done in FORTRAN, so
|
||||
there are a fair number people doing Graphics in order to
|
||||
avoid having to write COBOL programs.
|
||||
|
||||
THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY
|
||||
--- ---- ---------- -- ----
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he
|
||||
works -- with computers. He is constantly amazed that his
|
||||
employer actually pays him to do what he would be doing for
|
||||
fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this opin-
|
||||
ion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step
|
||||
out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or
|
||||
two. Some tips on recognizing real programmers away from the
|
||||
computer room:
|
||||
|
||||
* At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the
|
||||
corner talking about operating system security and how
|
||||
to get around it.
|
||||
|
||||
* At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one com-
|
||||
paring the plays against his simulations printed on 11
|
||||
by 14 fanfold paper.
|
||||
|
||||
* At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing
|
||||
flowcharts in the sand.
|
||||
|
||||
* A Real Programmer goes to discos to watch the light
|
||||
shows.
|
||||
|
||||
* At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying
|
||||
"Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine work-
|
||||
ing before the coronary."
|
||||
|
||||
* In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who
|
||||
insists on running the cans past the laser checkout
|
||||
scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch
|
||||
operators to get it right the first time.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT
|
||||
--- ---- ------------ ------- -------
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
What sort of environment does the Real Programmer func-
|
||||
tion best in? This is an important question for the
|
||||
managers of Real Programmers. Considering the amount of
|
||||
money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put
|
||||
him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work
|
||||
done.
|
||||
|
||||
The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a com-
|
||||
puter terminal. Surrounding this terminal are:
|
||||
|
||||
* Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever
|
||||
worked on, piled in roughly chronological order on
|
||||
every flat surface in the office.
|
||||
|
||||
* Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold cof-
|
||||
fee. Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts float-
|
||||
ing in the coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain
|
||||
Orange Crush.
|
||||
|
||||
* Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OS
|
||||
JCL manual and the Principles of Operation open to some
|
||||
particularly interesting pages.
|
||||
|
||||
* Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calender for
|
||||
the year 1969.
|
||||
|
||||
* Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut
|
||||
butter filled cheese bars -- the type that are made
|
||||
pre-stale at the bakery so they can't get any worse
|
||||
while waiting in the vending machine.
|
||||
|
||||
* Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a
|
||||
stash of double-stuff Oreos for special occasions.
|
||||
|
||||
* Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left
|
||||
there by the previous occupant of the office. (Real
|
||||
Programmers write programs, not documentation. Leave
|
||||
that to the maintainence people.)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even
|
||||
50 hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he
|
||||
prefers it that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the
|
||||
Real Programmer -- it gives him a chance to catch a little
|
||||
sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule
|
||||
pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things
|
||||
more challenging by working on some small but interesting
|
||||
part of the problem for the first nine weeks, then finishing
|
||||
the rest in the last week, in two or three 50-hour
|
||||
marathons. This not only inpresses the hell out of his
|
||||
manager, who was despairing of ever getting the project done
|
||||
on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the
|
||||
documentation. In general:
|
||||
|
||||
* No Real Programmer works 9 to 5. (Unless it's the ones
|
||||
at night.)
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers don't wear neckties.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers don't wear high heeled shoes.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.
|
||||
|
||||
* A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's
|
||||
name. He does, however, know the entire ASCII (or
|
||||
EBCDIC) code table.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores
|
||||
aren't open at three in the morning. Real Programmers
|
||||
survive on Twinkies and coffee.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
THE FUTURE
|
||||
--- ------
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to
|
||||
Real Programmers that the latest generation of computer pro-
|
||||
grammers are not being brought up with the same outlook on
|
||||
life as their elders. Many of them have never seen a com-
|
||||
puter with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from
|
||||
school these days can do hex arithmetic without a calcula-
|
||||
tor. College graduates these days are soft -- protected from
|
||||
the realities of programming by source level debuggers, text
|
||||
editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly" operat-
|
||||
ing systems. Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer
|
||||
scientists" manage to get degrees without ever learning FOR-
|
||||
TRAN! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix hackers
|
||||
and Pascal programmers?
|
||||
|
||||
From my experience, I can only report that the future
|
||||
is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. Neither OS/370
|
||||
nor FORTRAN show any signs of dying out, despite all the
|
||||
efforts of Pascal programmers the world over. Even more
|
||||
subtle tricks, like adding structured coding constructs to
|
||||
FORTRAN have failed. Oh sure, some computer vendors have
|
||||
come out with FORTRAN 77 compilers, but every one of them
|
||||
has a way of converting itself back into a FORTRAN 66 com-
|
||||
piler at the drop of an option card -- to compile DO loops
|
||||
like God meant them to be.
|
||||
|
||||
Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it
|
||||
once was. The latest release of Unix has the potential of
|
||||
an operating system worthy of any Real Programmer -- two
|
||||
different and subtly incompatible user interfaces, an arcane
|
||||
and complicated teletype driver, virtual memory. If you
|
||||
ignore the fact that it's "structured", even 'C' programming
|
||||
can be appreciated by the Real Programmer: after all,
|
||||
there's no type checking, variable names are seven (ten?
|
||||
eight?) characters long, and the added bonus of the Pointer
|
||||
data type is thrown in -- like having the best parts of FOR-
|
||||
TRAN and assembly language in one place. (Not to mention
|
||||
some of the more creative uses for #define.)
|
||||
|
||||
No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the past
|
||||
few years, the popular press has even commented on the
|
||||
bright new crop of computer nerds and hackers ([7] and [8])
|
||||
leaving places like Stanford and M.I.T. for the Real World.
|
||||
>From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on
|
||||
in these young men and women. As long as there are ill-
|
||||
defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules,
|
||||
there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
|
||||
The Problem, saving the documentation for later. Long live
|
||||
FORTRAN!
|
||||
|
||||
ACKNOWLEGEMENT
|
||||
--------------
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
I would like to thank Jan E., Dave S., Rich G., Rich E.
|
||||
for their help in characterizing the Real Programmer,
|
||||
Heather B. for the illustration, Kathy E. for putting up
|
||||
with it, and atd!avsdS:mark for the initial inspriration.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
REFERENCES
|
||||
----------
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
[1] Feirstein, B., Real Men Don't Eat Quiche, New York,
|
||||
Pocket Books, 1982.
|
||||
|
||||
[2] Wirth, N., Algorithms + Datastructures = Programs,
|
||||
Prentice Hall, 1976.
|
||||
|
||||
[3] Xerox PARC editors . . .
|
||||
|
||||
[4] Finseth, C., Theory and Practice of Text Editors -
|
||||
or - a Cookbook for an EMACS, B.S. Thesis,
|
||||
MIT/LCS/TM-165, Massachusetts Institute of Technology,
|
||||
May 1980.
|
||||
|
||||
[5] Weinberg, G., The Psychology of Computer Programming,
|
||||
New York, Van Nostrabd Reinhold, 1971, page 110.
|
||||
|
||||
[6] Dijkstra, E., On the GREEN Language Submitted to the DoD,
|
||||
Sigplan notices, Volume 3, Number 10, October 1978.
|
||||
|
||||
[7] Rose, Frank, Joy of Hacking, Science 82, Volume 3, Number 9,
|
||||
November 1982, pages 58 - 66.
|
||||
|
||||
[8] The Hacker Papers, Psychology Today, August 1980.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
==================================================================
|
||||
153
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_pro.spe
Normal file
153
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/real_pro.spe
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,153 @@
|
||||
Real Programmers Don't Write Specs
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves
|
||||
lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write,
|
||||
it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write application programs; they program right
|
||||
down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who
|
||||
can't do systems programming.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't
|
||||
know how to SPELL quiche. They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan food.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy
|
||||
applications programmers.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if
|
||||
you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in
|
||||
"only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
|
||||
freaks and crystallography weenies.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are
|
||||
around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
|
||||
in BASIC, after the age of 12.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who
|
||||
can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
|
||||
you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
|
||||
wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
|
||||
spring up in the middle of the machine room.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't
|
||||
read the listings or the object deck.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of
|
||||
those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people
|
||||
with weak memories.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers only write specs for languages that might run on
|
||||
future hardware. Noboby trusts them to write specs for anything
|
||||
homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't play tennis or any other sport which requires
|
||||
a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers
|
||||
often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
|
||||
spring up in the middle of the machine room.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers spend 70\% of their work day fiddling around and then get
|
||||
more done in the other 30\% than a user could get done in a week.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers are surprised when the odometers in their cars
|
||||
don't turn from 99999 to 9999A.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers are concerned with the aesthetics of their craft; they
|
||||
will writhe in pain at shabby workmanship in a piece of code.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers will defend to the death the virtues of a certain piece of
|
||||
peripheral equipment, especially their lifeline, the terminal.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers never use hard copy terminals, they never use terminals
|
||||
that run at less than 9600 baud, they never use a terminal at less than
|
||||
its maximum practical speed.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers think they know the answers to your problems, and will
|
||||
happily tell them to you rather than answer your questions.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers never program in COBOL, money is no object.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers never right justify text that will be read on a
|
||||
fixed-character-width medium.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers wear hiking boots only when it's much too cold to wear
|
||||
sandals. When it's only too cold, they wear socks with their sandals.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't think that they should get paid at all for their
|
||||
work, but they know that they're worth every penny that they do make.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers log in first thing in the morning, last thing before they
|
||||
go to sleep, and stay logged in for lots of time in between.
|
||||
|
||||
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are after all, the
|
||||
illerate's form of documentation.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't use Macs. Computers which draw cute little
|
||||
pictures are for wimps.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference
|
||||
is the hallmark of a novice and a coward.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for gum chewing
|
||||
twits who maintain ancient payroll programs.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy
|
||||
engineers who wear white socks. The get excited over finite state
|
||||
analysis and nuclear reactor simulations.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in Modula-2. Modula-2 is for insecure
|
||||
analretentives who can't choose between Pascal and COBOL.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can
|
||||
be written on one line.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in Lisp. Only effeminate programmers use
|
||||
more parentheses than actual code.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in Pascal, Ada or any of those other
|
||||
pinko computer science languages. Strong variable typing is for
|
||||
people with weak memories.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers distain structured programming. Structured programming
|
||||
is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained. They
|
||||
wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear
|
||||
desk.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was
|
||||
invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to think big.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all
|
||||
in every Real Program. Some candyass architectures won't allow EXECUTE
|
||||
instructions to address another EXECUTE instruction as the target
|
||||
instruction. Real Programmers despise petty restrictions.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers Don't use PL/I. PL/I is for insecure momma's boys who
|
||||
can't choose between Cobol and Fortran.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of
|
||||
course, they are the Chief Programmer.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are sometimes a
|
||||
necessary evil. Managers are good for dealing with personnel bozos,
|
||||
bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.
|
||||
|
||||
Real programmers ignore schedules.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending
|
||||
machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it,
|
||||
they don't eat it.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers use C since it's the easiest language to spell.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't use symbolic debuggers, who needs symbols.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers only curse at inanimate objects.
|
||||
296
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realcpnk.txt
Normal file
296
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realcpnk.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,296 @@
|
||||
|
||||
/---------------------------------------------------------------------------\
|
||||
| THE MEN FROM |
|
||||
| M M OOOOO N N GGGGG OOOOO |
|
||||
| MM MM O O NN N G O O |
|
||||
| M M M O O N N N G GG O O |
|
||||
| M M O O N NN G G O O |
|
||||
| M M OOOOO N N GGGGG OOOOO |
|
||||
| |
|
||||
| -*- present -*- |
|
||||
| |
|
||||
| +-----------------+ |
|
||||
| | Real Cyberpunks | |
|
||||
| +-----------------+ |
|
||||
| |
|
||||
| 9/24/91 |
|
||||
| |
|
||||
| With all this shit in the news and now a book about cyberpunks, we have|
|
||||
|a bunch of lame assholes who think they are cyberpunks running around |
|
||||
|blackening the name. In response to this we'd created this g-file so |
|
||||
|everybody can tell the lamers from the real cyberpunks. Most of these |
|
||||
|wanna-be cyberpunks will probably be offended by what we're going to say, |
|
||||
|because the description of what defines a real cyberpunk doesn't apply to |
|
||||
|them. Remember though, cyberpunk is mostly an attitude (this g-file |
|
||||
|describes physical manifestations of this attitude), and real cyberpunks |
|
||||
|don't get upset over something written in a g-file. |
|
||||
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------/
|
||||
|
||||
CLOTHING
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks don't wear paisley, or any of that other neo-
|
||||
futuristic, yuppie, artfag shit.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks wear military surplus clothing, non-neon colored
|
||||
Gortex, bluejeans, boots (combat or motorycle), Factsheet-5 T-Shirts,
|
||||
and kilts (on formal occasions).
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks don't shop at Banana Republic or the "Mainframe"
|
||||
clothing section at Sears.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks have the balls to go to Thrift Shops.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Anyone who makes fun of a cyberpunk shopping at
|
||||
a thrift shop usually winds up in ICU.
|
||||
|
||||
COMPUTERS
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks don't use IBM PCs or Tandy 1000s.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks that have the $$$ use 486s, and 68030s.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks that don't have the $$$ use whatever the hell they can
|
||||
get ahold of (except IBM PCs an Tandy 1000s).
|
||||
|
||||
- All real Cyberpunks still own a TI-99/4A, S-100, Apple ][ w/Apple Cat,
|
||||
or an Atari 130XE with ATR8000 & 850 interfaces as their backup
|
||||
machine.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks program in assembler and ADA.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks think C is cute for a fuck-around language.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks think of the Amiga as a cute toy.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunk SYSOPS run Stonehenge.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks realize the Apple Cat was the best modem ever made.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
CARS
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks drive whatever they can afford.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks never drive an unmodified vehicle.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks think Audi, BMW, and Mercedes cars serve best as rocket
|
||||
launcher targets.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks who can afford them drive something with a V-8.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks go to every police auction
|
||||
in their area.
|
||||
|
||||
TECH
|
||||
|
||||
- All real cyberpunks have their ham license.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks know the difference between a resistor and a capacitor.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks know where to get tech cheap in their area.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks practically live at their local
|
||||
surplus store.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks think Radio Shack sucks, but still buy from there
|
||||
because it's convenient.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks put pragmatism before
|
||||
principle.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks always carry a Leatherman Tool.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a Leatherman Tool is.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks own a dual-band HT.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a dual-band HT is.
|
||||
Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks have hosed McDonalds at
|
||||
least once.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks know how use a TDR.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: The have also managed to get ahold of one for
|
||||
free.
|
||||
|
||||
POLITICS & LAW
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks are politically aware, but avoid getting involved in
|
||||
that bullshit.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks think all politicians should be castrated.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks are libertarians.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks have copies of their state's law statues.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks know the difference between the Declaration of
|
||||
Independence and The Constitution.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what both of those say.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks don't get caught.
|
||||
|
||||
KNOWLEDGE
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks read 2600, Factsheet-5, Full Disclosure, Iron Feather
|
||||
Journal, Cybertek, Radio Electronics, Circuit Cellar Ink, Computer
|
||||
Shopper, American Survival Guide, and any 'zines about local bands in
|
||||
their area.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks understand what they read in
|
||||
these publications.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks think Mondo2000, for the most part, sucks.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks learn about everything from Computers to Crossbows.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks know how to spell.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks speak at least 2 languages.
|
||||
|
||||
WEAPONS
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks don't have the typical yuppie artfag fear of weapons
|
||||
that most modem users seem to have.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know the value of useful
|
||||
equipment.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks own at least one gun.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks carry Gerber, Cold Steel, SOG, AlMar, or Spyderco
|
||||
blades.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think custom steel is neat, but
|
||||
costs too much.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks have memorized The Improvised Munitions Black Book.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks know The Anarchist Cookbook is a crock of shit.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks buy everything authored by Seymour Lecker and Kurt
|
||||
Saxon.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks keep a supply of DMSO handy.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what DMSO is.
|
||||
|
||||
MUSIC
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks go to The Mentors' concerts whenever they can.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks think C&C Music Factory is just a bunch of out-of-the-
|
||||
closet homosexuals.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks don't listen to Paula Abdul.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson should be napalmed.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson is a
|
||||
reincarnate of his monkey Bubbles.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks think Top-40 sucks.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks listen to Ministry, The Cure, Skinny Puppy, The
|
||||
Misfits, Rush, Pink Floyd, etc.
|
||||
|
||||
- In the end, real cyberpunks listen to whatever the fuck they want.
|
||||
|
||||
PHREAKING & HACKING
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks think codes are for fags, but use them anyway because
|
||||
they put pragmatism before principle.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks know what TEMPEST means.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks use data-taps.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks have Internet access.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks know why Broadway Hacker invited everyone to his house.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks know what PPS really means.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks know Clifford Stoll's ex-wife is a lesbian.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know that Clifford Stoll is an
|
||||
asshole.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks know just how good friends John Maxfield and Broadway
|
||||
Hacker are.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks know who John Maxfield is and what he was arrested for.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks own a blue box, and still use it.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a blue box is, and
|
||||
know how to use it.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks know what a TS-21 is.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks stole their TS-21.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks have acquired a Bell System hard-hat.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks have a payphone.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: The payphone belongs to someone else.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks on the east coast have attended at least one 2600
|
||||
meeting.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks who have attended a 2600
|
||||
[PAUSE] meeting don't go to them anymore.
|
||||
Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks are waiting for another
|
||||
OSUNY meeting.
|
||||
Further corollary: Real cyberpunks know what OSUNY originally stood
|
||||
for.
|
||||
|
||||
HEALTH
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks use Choline, Ginseng, and Golden Seal.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what these are.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks know about the medicinal value of various plants.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks take care of themselves.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks take time away from fucking with their computers to get
|
||||
some exercise.
|
||||
|
||||
FOOD & DRINK
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks drink Jolt.
|
||||
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Pepsi is for artfags.
|
||||
|
||||
[PAUSE] - Real cyberpunks are intimately familiar with the selection at 7 -
|
||||
Eleven, but avoid it whenever possible.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks know how to cook.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks drink Guinness Stout.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks who are under 21 distill their own.
|
||||
|
||||
- Real cyberpunks can go to a Supermarket and not get lost.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
That's it for now, but since lamers are always finding mew ways to become
|
||||
lame, expect a Real Cyberpunks Vol. II soon.
|
||||
|
||||
Yours truly,
|
||||
The Men From Mongo, 9/24/91
|
||||
:OSUNY, TCO, PPS, SPS, PHALCO
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Read:(1-30,^29),? :
|
||||
|
||||
30/30: Pow! What a smack upside the nugget...
|
||||
Name: Predat0r #1 @5211
|
||||
Date: Tue Oct 01 02:59:18 1991
|
||||
From: Blitzkrieg (Kentucky)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Just got the new 2600 in the mail... see page 26. A letter titled "Send a
|
||||
Message"...
|
||||
|
||||
call 1-800-225-7466 this is the number you call to be removed from AT&T's
|
||||
mailing list. you can also state a reason to be removed from this list which
|
||||
they make a note of. State something like....
|
||||
|
||||
The concern you have with AT&T's public deception in the Craig Neidorf (aka
|
||||
Knight Lightning - Phrack) e911 case and their attempt to set an example with
|
||||
an innocent person. Also note the jail sentence of Len Rose as a result of
|
||||
looking at the source code to UNIX, which is an outrage and a joke. It shows
|
||||
how a monopoly can walk across our civil rights just because they have the
|
||||
money to do it.
|
||||
|
||||
Also take the time to have your long distance carrier switched to another one
|
||||
[PAUSE] which doesn't go on witch hunts for hackers. Boycott AT & T.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
84
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realduh.txt
Normal file
84
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realduh.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,84 @@
|
||||
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|
||||
Real DD Users Guide
|
||||
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|
||||
Written by: Sir Bernlad
|
||||
-------------------------
|
||||
Thanks to: Mr. Awesome, for letting me
|
||||
be a co on his board (I know it's got
|
||||
nothing to do with this file, but I
|
||||
had to write something)
|
||||
=========================
|
||||
|
||||
Real DD users:
|
||||
|
||||
know what DD means (in case you
|
||||
aren't a real DD user, it stands
|
||||
for Diversi-Dial)
|
||||
|
||||
are bright enough not to fall
|
||||
for the old /quiz trick
|
||||
|
||||
in the middle of a private
|
||||
conversation, never send a private
|
||||
message to themselves by mistake
|
||||
|
||||
can understand why when they
|
||||
type something in and press return
|
||||
<EFBFBD>
|
||||
it appears again on the screen a
|
||||
few seconds later with their name
|
||||
in front of it
|
||||
|
||||
don't turn the beeps off, no
|
||||
matter what time it is
|
||||
<EFBFBD>
|
||||
|
||||
never voluntarily read the
|
||||
advertisments on the system
|
||||
|
||||
do not swear when on public
|
||||
channels
|
||||
|
||||
wait at least 30 seconds before
|
||||
hanging up when alone on a system
|
||||
|
||||
do not try to send e-mail
|
||||
without a secondary password
|
||||
|
||||
do not try to hack out other
|
||||
users passwords or try to crash
|
||||
the system
|
||||
|
||||
don't try to upload files while
|
||||
on the system
|
||||
<EFBFBD>
|
||||
|
||||
aren't too cheap to buy a p/w
|
||||
|
||||
never try to get onto a private
|
||||
channel when 2 users are already
|
||||
there
|
||||
|
||||
do not bitch at people while on
|
||||
the system
|
||||
|
||||
and lots of other things that
|
||||
don't immediately come to mind
|
||||
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
|
||||
|
||||
If after reading this, you thought,
|
||||
"golly, that reminds me of someone I
|
||||
know!", and then realize that the
|
||||
someone is you, maybe you should take
|
||||
a long vacation from DD systems to keep
|
||||
your reputation as a cool BBS-hopper
|
||||
intact. If you've never called, a DD
|
||||
system, here are the ones in the 312
|
||||
area code right now and remember the
|
||||
guidelines I set above.
|
||||
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
|
||||
General Modem........338-6100
|
||||
The Bunker...........759-9191
|
||||
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
|
||||
If you can't follow my guidelines, I
|
||||
suggest you go and try to convince Chip
|
||||
74
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realeng.sof
Normal file
74
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realeng.sof
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,74 @@
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers Don't Read Dumps
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them,
|
||||
and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely
|
||||
amused.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so
|
||||
mnemonic they don't have to.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement
|
||||
algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help
|
||||
with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers eat quiche.
|
||||
|
||||
If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't
|
||||
program in it.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the
|
||||
very thought.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This
|
||||
process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except
|
||||
perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious
|
||||
of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine."
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't like any sport
|
||||
that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower.
|
||||
(Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their
|
||||
tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity,
|
||||
but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to
|
||||
their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is
|
||||
described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an
|
||||
undocumented external procedure.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been
|
||||
implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is
|
||||
available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies
|
||||
into account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have
|
||||
not quite decided on a formal spec yet.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in
|
||||
PROLOG (they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns
|
||||
out to be difficult to actually RUN these).
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC.
|
||||
PL/I is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too
|
||||
much built in function.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users,
|
||||
either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the
|
||||
implementation and verification of algorithms is all about.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy
|
||||
hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have
|
||||
a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual
|
||||
at ALL levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going
|
||||
to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they
|
||||
need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
201
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realgame.hum
Normal file
201
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realgame.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,201 @@
|
||||
=-=-=-= The Realm Of The Rogues =-=-=-=
|
||||
(415) 941-1990
|
||||
+------------------------------------+
|
||||
! !
|
||||
! ---> A Guide to Real Gamers <--- !
|
||||
! !
|
||||
! Written by Fritz Mertens !
|
||||
! !
|
||||
! 3-15-85 !
|
||||
! !
|
||||
! Call Haunted House: 415-941-7256 !
|
||||
! !
|
||||
+------------------------------------+
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
This T-file was inspired by all those Guide to Real Pirates T-files. Thanx
|
||||
guys, and I hope I can do justice to you.
|
||||
|
||||
The following is a list of what real gamers do or do not do. A lot of what I
|
||||
say should not be done I do anyway.
|
||||
|
||||
Well, I never said I was a REAL gamer.
|
||||
|
||||
Games:
|
||||
-----
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers play AD&D.
|
||||
|
||||
Correlary: Real gamers don't play Tunnels and Trolls.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers don't buy meaningless game systems that will be obsolete next
|
||||
month (Ex. Swashbuckler)
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers think AD&D could be better, but play it anyway.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers know that AD&D module "T2" will never come out.
|
||||
|
||||
Correlary: Real gamers think "T1" sucked big time.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers don't have characters over 18th level, as they don't cheat.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers never play "exactly by the book."
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers own all the AD&D books with the "old covers"
|
||||
|
||||
Correlary: Real gamers don't own a copy of the Fiend Folio.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers have plastic sheets on their characters.
|
||||
|
||||
Correlary: Real gamers never laminate their character sheets.
|
||||
|
||||
Real male gamers don't play female characters.
|
||||
|
||||
Real female gamers aren't female gamers, just girlfriends of male gamers.
|
||||
|
||||
Correlary: Real female gamers weigh over 200 lbs.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers know Gary Gygax is a jerk.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Dice:
|
||||
----
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers never buy d30's.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers don't buy plain dice.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition: Real gamers NEVER buy Basic Set dice or Dragon Dice.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers own at least 10d6 for that handy Fireball.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers don't buy d6's larger than 5/8".
|
||||
|
||||
Exception: Unless they use them for Privateer or as a Cow miniature.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers buy d6's with dots and not with crummy numbers unless in a set.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition: d6's with numbers always roll low.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers don't buy round d6s.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers don't load dice (unless they are the GM.)
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers buy d20's with all 20 numbers, not with 0-9 twice.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers bring all their dice to every game.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition: Real gamers don't show off their dice.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers always buy dice whether they need them or not.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Conventions:
|
||||
-----------
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers go to conventions.
|
||||
|
||||
Correlary: Real gamers never go to comic conventions.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers run a game at a con so they can get in free.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition: Real gamers pre-reg if they can't run a game.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers attend Pacificon, Dundracon and Gamescaucass.
|
||||
|
||||
Correlary: Real gamers never went to Chaoticon, Augacon or Marchcon.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition: Real gamers used to attend Grimcon.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition to the addition: Real gamers want to go to Gen Con.
|
||||
|
||||
Correlary to the second addition: Real gamers never go to Gen Con.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers never play in AD&D/Arduin variant runs.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers always get a hotel room.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition: Real gamers NEVER commute to the con.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers never play in games with "80%+ kill rate".
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers don't pay the absurd prices the hotel charges at the "snack bar".
|
||||
|
||||
Addition: Real gamers walk across the street to the 7-11 and pick it up for
|
||||
less.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers only watch "Zulu" and "Zulu Dawn" in the movie room.
|
||||
|
||||
Correlary: Real gamers don't watch "The Dark Crystal".
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers get less than 5 hours of sleep a night.
|
||||
|
||||
Correlary: Real gamers get less than 5 hours of sleep total.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition to the correlary: Real gamers don't get any sleep at all.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Miscellaneous:
|
||||
-------------
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers never have neat rooms where they live. (at least for any length
|
||||
of time).
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers don't join the RPGA.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers are GMs as well as players.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers read at least 6 fantasy books a year.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition: Real gamers have read all the Elric books.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers have been playing for at least 5 years.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers are at least 14 years old.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers paint their own miniatures.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition: Real gamers never use Testor's paint on their miniatures.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers don't wear pink shirts.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers don't have bumper stickers on their cars that say "I brake for
|
||||
Unicorns" or "Gamers do it with dice".
|
||||
|
||||
Correlary: Real gamers have bumper stickers that say "Cthulhu Saves" or
|
||||
anything by the AADA.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition: Real gamers have cars.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers don't wear t-shirts with dragons or unicorns unless they actually
|
||||
own one.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers like Heavy Metal music.
|
||||
|
||||
Correlary: Real gamers hate Heavy Metal music.
|
||||
|
||||
Real gamers own computers.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition: Real gamers own Apples.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition to the addition: Real gamers own modems.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition to the addition to the addition: Real gamers own Apple-Cats.
|
||||
|
||||
Well, that's all for now, hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed typing it
|
||||
in. (Ugh!) If you have any more Real Gamer ideas, please send them to me.
|
||||
That's:
|
||||
|
||||
F) Fritz
|
||||
L) Mertens
|
||||
|
||||
This has been an Ed-Co production.
|
||||
|
||||
(K) 3-15-85 01:31:23
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
=-=-=-= The Realm Of The Rogues =-=-=-=
|
||||
(415) 941-1990
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
99
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realhomo.hum
Normal file
99
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realhomo.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,99 @@
|
||||
-=- ----------------------------------------------------------------------- -=-
|
||||
-=- The Guide to Real Homosexuals/Lesbians -=-
|
||||
-=- -=-
|
||||
-=- Written by The Banshee, and The Scanner -=-
|
||||
-=- An Extension 1200 -n- Digital Gang Presentation -=-
|
||||
-=- ----------------------------------------------------------------------- -=-
|
||||
|
||||
Since me and The Scanner are both avid homosexuals, and we know there must be
|
||||
some other homosexual pirates out there who like to play with their dogs, we
|
||||
wrote this file especially for yous. We are over joyed to help the rest of you
|
||||
sexy men out to help you get through such hard times with people who just don't
|
||||
understand how much fun it is to stick a fish up your anus!
|
||||
|
||||
Both Extension 1200 and The Digital Gang strive to protect their inner
|
||||
secrets, we are mostly homosexuals, and we looooooove it! You may wonder how we
|
||||
get all of the software we crack, well it is simple. One or two of us will go
|
||||
over to the author's house and do him a favor (more on that later sexy).
|
||||
|
||||
I'd like to say one thing to all of you who may change their feelings about
|
||||
us. We are homosexuals, if you can't take that then we'll kick you in the
|
||||
bottom! Hope you don't treat us like a bunch of outcasts just because we LOVE
|
||||
men in those sexy bathing suits! I wish I could prod each and every one of you
|
||||
sexy guys/boys out there who are homosexuals! Enough with anal fantasies, on
|
||||
with the cum-dripping file, if you get a hard-on, smear cum all over the paper.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Real Homosexuals are proud of the fact that they are homosexuals!
|
||||
Real Homosexuals get a hard-on when they go into the bathroom!
|
||||
Real Homosexuals read Play Girl for the extremely sexy men with 12 inch cocks!
|
||||
Real Homosexuals french their dog's anus.
|
||||
Real Lesbians love to get hit by their partners.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals scratch people who they hate.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals stick broom sticks up their anus.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals are turned on my Bot George in make-up.
|
||||
Real Lesbians love to jump on any object.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals do it with not two, three, four, but six guys at once!
|
||||
Real Homosexuals call up lines like Dial-a-Gay for the provocative subjects.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals own kitty-cats.
|
||||
Real Lesbians own snakes! (Me and my freind own a python -- what fun!)
|
||||
Real Homosexuals have pink lampshades.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals use condoms every time their prod a hunk in the anus.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals smear cum on their partner(s) when you spew.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals hate women!
|
||||
Real Homosexuals get hard-ons when on a conference with other guys.
|
||||
Real Lesbians can cram a pool ball up their snatch.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals love to pound their pud every night.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals sleep in the raw!
|
||||
Real Lesbians think leather and whips are the best things since the vibrator!
|
||||
Real Homosexuals own waterbeds.
|
||||
Real Lesbians ride horses.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals stick their shaft in the disk drive when running.
|
||||
Real Lesbians mastribate with a hot dog.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals take baths with other men.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals aren't afraid of AIDS.
|
||||
Real Lesbians love to fuck anything.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals are not fussy about who they fuck.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals spew cum in their drinks.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals stick objects up their anus.
|
||||
Real Lesbians love to play pool!
|
||||
Real Homosexuals lube up with vaseline!
|
||||
Real Homosexuals shake for five minutes once taking a piss.
|
||||
Real Lesbians use dildos.
|
||||
Real Lesbians piss standing up.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals dream of fucking every man! (like me...)
|
||||
Real Lesbians use the "Sit-on-my-face" method.
|
||||
Real Lesbians treat homosexuals as a treat!
|
||||
Real Lesbians work in the nude.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals can stick a lemon up their anus! (mine is 3 inches!)
|
||||
Real Lesbians use vibrators.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals belong to Extension 1200.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals go to SanFransisco for Spring Break '86! (can't wait)
|
||||
Real Homosexuals think hair is VERY sssssssexy! Ow! I love it!
|
||||
Real Lesbians can last for 30 minutes before orgasm.
|
||||
Real Homosexuals can last 45 minutes before ejaculation.
|
||||
Real Lesbians bleed after having sex!
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Thanks for all your time, I hope you sexy men will call me any time and share
|
||||
your problems and fantasies with me! God, I'm getting desperate, I need to fuck
|
||||
some sexy man soon! I'd like to stick my shaft up your juicy back-door and spew
|
||||
cum all over your ass, then lick it off! God I love my life!
|
||||
|
||||
Special thanks to The Scanner for his big hefty cock in my anus for all the
|
||||
special help.
|
||||
|
||||
Call me any time, no cloths required, 313/994-5060, or if that's busy because
|
||||
I'm fucking with someone, 313/665-0555. Any time, I love to talk!
|
||||
|
||||
Too-da-loo sexy!
|
||||
|
||||
-Banshee
|
||||
-Scanner
|
||||
|
||||
-=- ----------------------------------------------------------------------- -=-
|
||||
-=- (F) Extension 1200 and The Digital Gang -=-
|
||||
-=- Fuck me any time, 313/994-5060 or 313/665-0555! Banshee+Scanner -=-
|
||||
-=- ----------------------------------------------------------------------- -=-
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
126
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realluze.hum
Normal file
126
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realluze.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,126 @@
|
||||
<*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*>
|
||||
<*> <*>
|
||||
<*> The Real Luzers Guide <*>
|
||||
<*> Volume I <*>
|
||||
<*> <*>
|
||||
<*) By Jimmy the Phreak <*>
|
||||
<*> <*>
|
||||
<*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*>
|
||||
|
||||
Call these Chaotic Computing Systems
|
||||
|
||||
300 baud AE - (415)490-8202, pw=VICKI
|
||||
1200 baud AE - (415)651-5043, no pw
|
||||
---------
|
||||
The Seadog BBS Catsend (415)657-4076
|
||||
---------
|
||||
The Shrine of Chaos BBS (415)659-1264 30megs!
|
||||
|
||||
This phile is dedicated to the luzers of Team Bonzia.
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------
|
||||
Throughout my time in the modem world, I have unfortunately encountered the
|
||||
dreaded, LUZER. These strange parasitical creatures run rampant in the modem
|
||||
world causing great frustration to us real pirates. These seemingly alien life
|
||||
forms gather in colonies and invade boards, and when they build up enough
|
||||
courage, they even attempt to lash out at real established user groups. This
|
||||
text file is intended to be an aid to recognize a luzer before they usually have
|
||||
a chance to group,even though they wouldn't even stand a chance against a well
|
||||
established pirating organization.
|
||||
---------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
As defined in the real pirates guides luzers are usually under 15 years of
|
||||
age. There have been accounts though of some reaching 18 and 19.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers gather in groups.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers don't own their own com- puter ,if they do it is usually an Atari
|
||||
or a Commodore-64.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers watch Voltron.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers play with Tranformers.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers don't have lower case.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers have only one drive.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers use TV sets for monitors.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers buy SS/SD diskettes from their local department store at $40 a
|
||||
box.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers don't have 80 columns.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers think a CAT is a furry,four legged animal that scratches up fur-
|
||||
niture.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzer use SPRINT.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers mother's buy them their clothes.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzer carry over 4 pens and/or pencils in their pocket.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers post "Leave me E-Mail" messages.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers have only one fone line.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers post their home fone # in a public message.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers don't wear white shoes because they think they'll get them dirty.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers use stupid one word handles, i.e. Ziar.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers leech.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzer always associate with other luzers.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers call AE's and boards from 9am to 11pm because they have nothing
|
||||
better to do.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers like Michael Jackson, Culture Club, and the Pointer Sisters.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers dial pulse.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers break dance.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers use their real name instead of a handle.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers have under 48k
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers only take showers anually.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers have a grade point average of 3.5 plus.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers listen to top 40.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers have bowl hair cuts.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers think they are Ninjas.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers backspace in messages.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers put over in over 30 exclamation marks per message.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers buy software.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers are members of the school computer club.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers live in trailer parks.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers wardrobes consist of nothing but T-Shirts.
|
||||
|
||||
Real luzers deserve it!
|
||||
|
||||
.......................................
|
||||
: ___________________________________ :
|
||||
:.....................................:
|
||||
|
||||
Watch for more text philes from Chaotic Computing, coming soon to an AE or BBS
|
||||
near you!
|
||||
|
||||
[=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=]
|
||||
[ (c)Copyright 1985-Chaotic Computing ]
|
||||
[=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=]
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
274
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realmel.pro
Normal file
274
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realmel.pro
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,274 @@
|
||||
Article 4295 of comp.misc:
|
||||
Path: santra!tut!draken!kth!mcvax!uunet!yale!bunker!wtm
|
||||
From: wtm@bunker.UUCP (Bill McGarry)
|
||||
Newsgroups: comp.misc
|
||||
Subject: Real Programmers
|
||||
Message-ID: <4653@bunker.UUCP>
|
||||
Date: 16 Feb 89 17:12:44 GMT
|
||||
Reply-To: wtm@bunker.UUCP (Bill McGarry)
|
||||
Organization: Bunker Ramo, an Olivetti Company, Shelton, CT
|
||||
Lines: 260
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
In <1180@argon.siesoft>, David Allsopp (daa@siesoft) writes:
|
||||
|
||||
>BTW, anyone else remember (and could re-post) the story about the Real
|
||||
>Programmer, working on a machine with drum memory, who wrote a program
|
||||
>with an infinite loop that nevertheless terminated?
|
||||
|
||||
I don't know the original author of this but here it is anyway.
|
||||
|
||||
Bill McGarry
|
||||
Bunker Ramo, Shelton, CT
|
||||
(203) 337-1518
|
||||
|
||||
PATH: {oliveb, philabs, decvax, fortune, yale}!bunker!wtm
|
||||
wtm@bunker.uucp
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers write in Fortran
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Maybe they do now,
|
||||
in this decadent era of
|
||||
Lite beer, hand calculators and "user-friendly" software
|
||||
but back in the Good Old Days,
|
||||
when the term "software" sounded funny
|
||||
and Real Computers were made out of drums and vacuum tubes,
|
||||
Real Programmers wrote in machine code.
|
||||
Not Fortran, not RATFOR. Not, even, assembly language.
|
||||
Machine Code.
|
||||
Raw, unadorned, inscrutable hexadecimal numbers.
|
||||
Directly.
|
||||
|
||||
Lest a whole new generation of programmers
|
||||
grow up in ignoreance of this glorious past,
|
||||
I feel duty-bound to describe,
|
||||
as best I can through the generation gap,
|
||||
how a Real Programmer wrote code.
|
||||
I'll call him Mel,
|
||||
because that was his name.
|
||||
|
||||
I first met Mel when I work to work for Royal McBee Computer Corp.,
|
||||
a now-defunct subsidiary of the typewriter company.
|
||||
The firm manufactured the LGP-30,
|
||||
a small, cheap (by the standards of the day)
|
||||
drum-memory computer,
|
||||
and had just started to manufacture
|
||||
the RPC-4000, a much-improved,
|
||||
bigger, better, faster -- drum-memory computer.
|
||||
Cores cost too much,
|
||||
and weren't here to stay, anyway.
|
||||
(That's why you haven't heard of the computer, or the computer.)
|
||||
|
||||
I had been hired to write a Fortran compiler
|
||||
for this new marvel and Mel was my guide to its wonders.
|
||||
Mel didn't approve of compilers.
|
||||
|
||||
"If a program can't rewrite its own code,"
|
||||
he asked, "what good is it?"
|
||||
|
||||
Mel had written,
|
||||
in hexadecimal,
|
||||
the most popular computer program the company owned.
|
||||
It ran on the LGP-30
|
||||
and played blackjack with potential customers
|
||||
at computer shows.
|
||||
Its effect was always dramatic.
|
||||
The LGP-30 booth was packed at every show,
|
||||
and the IBM salesman stood around
|
||||
talking to each other.
|
||||
Whether or not this actually sold computers
|
||||
was a question we never discussed.
|
||||
|
||||
Mel's job was to re-write
|
||||
the blackjack program for the RPC-4000.
|
||||
(Port? What does that mean?)
|
||||
The new computer had a one-plus-one
|
||||
addressing scheme,
|
||||
in which each machine instruction,
|
||||
in addition to the operation code
|
||||
and the address of the needed operand,
|
||||
had a second address that indicated where, on the revolving drum,
|
||||
the next instruction was located.
|
||||
In modern parlance,
|
||||
every single instruction was followed by a GO TO!
|
||||
Put *that* in Pascal's pipe and smoke it.
|
||||
|
||||
Mel loved the RPC-4000
|
||||
because he could optimize his code:
|
||||
that is, locate instructions on the drum
|
||||
so that just as one finished its job,
|
||||
the next would be jsut arriving at the "read head"
|
||||
and available for immediate execution.
|
||||
There was a program to do that job,
|
||||
an "optimizing assembler",
|
||||
but Mel refused to use it.
|
||||
|
||||
"You never know where it's going to put things",
|
||||
he explained, "so you'd have to use separate constants".
|
||||
|
||||
It was a long time before I understood that remark.
|
||||
Since Mel knew the numerical value
|
||||
of every operation code,
|
||||
and assigned his own drum addresses,
|
||||
every instruction he wrote could also be considered
|
||||
a numerical constant.
|
||||
He could pick up an earlier "add" instruction, say,
|
||||
and multiply by it,
|
||||
if it had the right numeric value.
|
||||
His code was not easy for someone else to modify.
|
||||
|
||||
I compared Mel's hand-optimized programs
|
||||
with the same code massaged by the optimizing assembler program,
|
||||
and Mel's always ran faster.
|
||||
That was because the "top-down" method of program design
|
||||
hadn't been invented yet,
|
||||
and Mel wouldn't have used it anyway.
|
||||
He wrote the innermost parts of his program loops first,
|
||||
so that they would get first choice
|
||||
of the optimum address locations on the drum.
|
||||
The optimizing assembler wasn't smart enough to do it that way.
|
||||
|
||||
Mel never wrote time-delay loops, either,
|
||||
even when the balky Flexowriter
|
||||
required a delay between output characters to work right.
|
||||
He just located instructions on the drum
|
||||
so each successive one was just *past* the read head
|
||||
when it was needed;
|
||||
the drum had to execute another complete revolution
|
||||
to find the next instruction.
|
||||
He coined an unforgettable term for this procedure.
|
||||
Although "optimum" is an absolute term,
|
||||
like "unique", it became common verbal practice
|
||||
to make it relative:
|
||||
"not quite optimum" or "less optimum"
|
||||
or "not very optimum".
|
||||
Mel called the maximum time-delay locations
|
||||
the "most pessimum".
|
||||
|
||||
After he finished the blackjack program
|
||||
and got it to run,
|
||||
("Even the initializer is optimized",
|
||||
he said proudly)
|
||||
he got a Change Request from the sales department.
|
||||
The program used an elegant (optimized)
|
||||
random number generator
|
||||
to shuffle the "cards" and deal from the "deck",
|
||||
and some of the salesmen felt it was too fair,
|
||||
since sometimes the customers lost.
|
||||
They wanted Mel to modify the program
|
||||
so, at the setting of a sense switch on the console,
|
||||
they could change the odds and let the customer win.
|
||||
|
||||
Mel balked.
|
||||
He felt this was patently dishonest,
|
||||
which it was,
|
||||
and that it impinged on his personal integrity as a programmer,
|
||||
which it did,
|
||||
so he refused to do it.
|
||||
The Head Salesman talked to Mel,
|
||||
as did the Big Boss and, at the boss's urging,
|
||||
a few Fellow Programmers.
|
||||
Mel finally gave in and wrote the code,
|
||||
but he got the test backwards,
|
||||
and, when the sense switch was turned on,
|
||||
the program would cheat, winning every time.
|
||||
Mel was delighted with this,
|
||||
claiming his subconscious was uncontrollably ethical,
|
||||
and adamantly refused to fix it.
|
||||
|
||||
After Mel had left the company for greener pa$ture$,
|
||||
the Big Boss asked me to look at the code
|
||||
and see if I could find the test and reverse it.
|
||||
Somewhat reluctantly, I agreed to look.
|
||||
Tracking Mel's code was a real adventure.
|
||||
|
||||
I have often felt that programming is an art form,
|
||||
whose real value can only be appreciated
|
||||
by another versed in the same arcane art;
|
||||
there are lovely gems and brilliant coups
|
||||
hidden from human view and admiration, sometimes forever,
|
||||
by the very nature of the process.
|
||||
You can learn a lot about an individual
|
||||
just by reading through his code,
|
||||
even in hexadecimal.
|
||||
Mel was, I think, an unsung genius.
|
||||
|
||||
Perhaps my greatest shock came
|
||||
when I found an innocent loop that had no test in it.
|
||||
No test. *None*.
|
||||
Common sense said it had to be a closed loop,
|
||||
where the program would circle, forever, endlessly.
|
||||
Program control passed right through it, however,
|
||||
and safely out the other side.
|
||||
It took me two weeks to figure it out.
|
||||
|
||||
The RPC-4000 computer had a really modern facility
|
||||
called an index register.
|
||||
It allowed the programmer to write a program loop
|
||||
that used an indexed instruction inside;
|
||||
each time through,
|
||||
the number in the index register
|
||||
was added to the address of that instruction,
|
||||
so it would refer to the next datum in a series.
|
||||
He had only to increment the index register
|
||||
each time through.
|
||||
Mel never used it.
|
||||
|
||||
Instead, he would pull the instruction into a machine register,
|
||||
add one to its address,
|
||||
and store it back.
|
||||
He would then execute the modified instruction
|
||||
right from the register.
|
||||
The loop was written so this additional execution time
|
||||
was taken into account --
|
||||
just as this instruction finished,
|
||||
the next one was right under the drum's read head,
|
||||
ready to go.
|
||||
But the loop had no test in it.
|
||||
|
||||
The vital clue came when I noticed
|
||||
the index register bit,
|
||||
the bit that lay between the address
|
||||
and the operation code in the instruction word,
|
||||
was turned on --
|
||||
yet Mel never used the index register,
|
||||
leaving it zero all the time.
|
||||
When the light went on it nearly blinded me.
|
||||
|
||||
He had located the data he was working on
|
||||
near the top of memory --
|
||||
the largest locations the instructions could address --
|
||||
so, after the last datum was handled,
|
||||
incrementing the instruction address
|
||||
woudl make it overflow.
|
||||
The carry would add one to the
|
||||
operation code changing it to the next one in the instruction set:
|
||||
a jump instruction.
|
||||
Sure enought the next program instruction was
|
||||
in address location zero,
|
||||
and the program went happily on its way.
|
||||
|
||||
I haven't kept in touch with Mel,
|
||||
so I don't know if he ever gave in to the flood of
|
||||
change that has washed over programming techniques
|
||||
since those long-gone days.
|
||||
I like to think he didn't.
|
||||
In any event,
|
||||
I was impressed enough that I quit looking for the
|
||||
offending test,
|
||||
telling the Big Boss I couldn't find it.
|
||||
He didn't seem suprised.
|
||||
|
||||
When I left the company,
|
||||
the blackjack program would still cheat
|
||||
if you turned on the right sense switch,
|
||||
and I think that's how it sould be.
|
||||
I didn't feel comfortable
|
||||
hacking up the code of a Real Programmer.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
369
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realmen.txt
Normal file
369
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realmen.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,369 @@
|
||||
|
||||
(REALMEN.DOC)
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE PASCAL
|
||||
|
||||
Back in the good ole days -- the "Golden Era" of computers, it was easy
|
||||
to seperate the real men from the boys (sometimes called "Real Men" and
|
||||
"Quiche Eaters" in the literature). During this period, the Real Men were the
|
||||
ones that understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters were the ones
|
||||
who didn't. A real computer programmer said things like:
|
||||
|
||||
DO 10 I=1,10
|
||||
and:
|
||||
ABEND
|
||||
|
||||
They talked in capital letters, you understand. The rest of the world
|
||||
said things like "computers are too complicated for me" and "I can't relate to
|
||||
computers -- they're so impersonal". A previous work (1) points out that Real
|
||||
Men don't "relate to" anything, and aren't afraid of being impersonal.
|
||||
But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a world in which
|
||||
little old ladies can get computers in their microwave ovens, 12-year old kids
|
||||
can blow Real Men out of the water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and anyone
|
||||
can buy and understand their very own personal computer. The Real Programmer
|
||||
is in danger of becoming extinct, of being replaced by high-school students
|
||||
with TRS-80's.
|
||||
There is a clear need to point out the differences between the typical
|
||||
high-school junior Pac-Man player and a Real Programmer. If this difference
|
||||
is made clear, it will give those kids someting to aspire to -- a role model,
|
||||
a Father Figure. It will also help to explain to the employers of Real
|
||||
Programmers why it would be a mistake to replace the Real Programmers on their
|
||||
staff with a 12-year old Pac-Man player (at very considerable salary savings).
|
||||
|
||||
LANGUAGES
|
||||
The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the crowd is by the
|
||||
programming language he or she uses. Real Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche
|
||||
Eaters use Pascal. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of Pascal, gave a talk once
|
||||
at which he was asked "How do you pronounce your name?" He replied, "You can
|
||||
call me by name, pronouncing it "Veert", or you call call me by value,
|
||||
"Worth"." One can tell immediately from this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a
|
||||
Quiche Eater. The only parameter passing mechanism that Real Programmers
|
||||
endorse is "call by value-return", as implemented in the IBM/370 FORTRAN G and
|
||||
H compilers. Real Programmers don't need all those abstract concepts to get
|
||||
their jobs done -- they are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a FORTRAN IV
|
||||
compiler, and a beer.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.
|
||||
* Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN.
|
||||
* Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN.
|
||||
* Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN.
|
||||
|
||||
If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language. If you can't
|
||||
do it in assembly language, it isn't worth doing.
|
||||
|
||||
STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING
|
||||
The academics in computer science have gotten into the "structured
|
||||
programming" rut over the past several years. They claim that programs are
|
||||
more easily understood if the programmer uses some special language constructs
|
||||
and techniques. They don't all agree on exactly which constructs, of course,
|
||||
and the examples they use to show their particular point of view invariably
|
||||
fit on a single page of some obscure journal or another -- clearly not enough
|
||||
of an example to convince anyone. When I got out of school, I thought I was
|
||||
the best programmer in the world. I could write an unbeatable tic-tac-toe
|
||||
program, use five different computer languages, and create 1000-line programs
|
||||
that WORKED (really)!!! Then I got out into the Real World. My first task in
|
||||
the Real world was to read and understand a 200,000 line FORTRAN program, then
|
||||
speed it up by a factor of two. Any Real Programmer will tell you that all
|
||||
the Structured Coding in the world won't help you solve a problem like that --
|
||||
it takes actual talent. Some quick observations on Real Programmers and
|
||||
Structured Programming:
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
|
||||
* Real Programmers can write five-page long DO loops without getting
|
||||
confused.
|
||||
* Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements -- they make the code
|
||||
more interesting.
|
||||
* Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they can
|
||||
save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.
|
||||
* Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious.
|
||||
* Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT ... UNTIL, or
|
||||
CASE statement, Real Programmers don't have to worry about not using
|
||||
them. Besides, all those structures can be simulated, when
|
||||
necessary, by using assigned GOTO's.
|
||||
|
||||
Data Structures have also gotten a lot of press lately. Abstract Data
|
||||
Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and Strings have become popular in certain
|
||||
circles. Nicklaus Wirth (the aforementioned Quiche Eater) actually managed to
|
||||
write an entire book (2) contending that you could write program based on Data
|
||||
Structures, instead of the other way around. As all Real Programmers know,
|
||||
the only useful Data Structure is the ARRAY. Strings, Lists, Structrures,
|
||||
Sets -- they are all just special cases of Arrays and con be treated that way
|
||||
just as easily without messing up your programming language with all sorts of
|
||||
complications. The worst thing about fancy data types is that you have to
|
||||
declare them, and Real Programming Languages, as we all know, have implicit
|
||||
typing based on the first letter of the (six character) variable name.
|
||||
|
||||
OPERATING SYSTEMS
|
||||
What kind of operating system does the Real Programmer use? CP/M? God
|
||||
forbid -- CP/M, after all, is basically a toy operating system. Even little
|
||||
old ladies and grade school students can use and understand CP/M.
|
||||
UNIX is a lot more complicated of course -- the typical UNIX hacker never
|
||||
can remember what the <print> command is called this week. But when it gets
|
||||
right down to it, UNIX is a glorified video game. People don't do <serious>
|
||||
work on UNIX systems -- they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net, and
|
||||
write adventure games and research papers.
|
||||
No, your Real Programmer uses OS/370. A good programmer can find and
|
||||
understand the description of the IJK305I error he just got in the JCL manual.
|
||||
A great programmer can write JCL without refering to the JCL manual at all. A
|
||||
truly outstanding programmer can find bugs buried in a six-Megabyte core dump
|
||||
without using a hex calculator (I have actually seen this done).
|
||||
OS/370 is a truly remarkable operating system. It's possible to destroy
|
||||
days of work with a single misplaced space (actually, this is also true of
|
||||
UNIX), so alertness in the programming staff is encouraged. The best way to
|
||||
approach the system is through a keypunch. Some people claim that there is a
|
||||
Time Sharing system that runs on OS/370, but after careful study I have come
|
||||
to the conclusion that they were mistaken.
|
||||
|
||||
PROGRAMMING TOOLS
|
||||
What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In theory, a Real
|
||||
Programmer could run his programs by keying them into the front panel of the
|
||||
computer. Back in the days when computers <had> front panels, this was
|
||||
actually done occasionally. Your typical Real Programmer knew the entire
|
||||
bootstrap loader by memory in hex, and toggled it in whenever his program
|
||||
destroyed the bootstrap. Back then, memory was memory -- it didn't go away
|
||||
when the power went off. Today, memory either forgets things when you don't
|
||||
want it to, or remembers things long after they're best forgotten. Legend has
|
||||
it that Seymour Cray (who invented the Cray-1 supercomputer, and most of
|
||||
Control Data's computers) actually toggled the first operating system for the
|
||||
CDC-7600 in on the front panel from memory when it was first powered on.
|
||||
Seymour, needless to say, is a Real Programmer.
|
||||
One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems programmer at Texas
|
||||
Instruments. One day, he got a long-distance call from a user whose system
|
||||
had crashed in the middle of saving some important work. Jim was able to
|
||||
repair the damage over the telephone, getting the user to toggle in disk I/O
|
||||
instructions at the front panel, repairing system tables in hex, reading
|
||||
register contents back over the telephone. The moral of the story: while a
|
||||
Real Programmer usually includes a keypunch and line printer in his toolkit,
|
||||
he can get along with just a front panel and a telephone in emergencies.
|
||||
In some companies, text editing no longer consists of ten engineers
|
||||
standing in line to use an 029 keypunch. In fact, the building I work in
|
||||
doesn't contain a single keypunch. The Real Programmer in this situation has
|
||||
to work with a "text editor" program. Most systems supply several text
|
||||
editors to select from, and the Real Programmer must be careful to pick one
|
||||
that reflects his personal style. Many people believe that the best text
|
||||
editors in the world were written at Xerox Palo Alto Research Center for use
|
||||
on their Alto and Dorado computers (3). Unfortunately, no Real Programmer
|
||||
would use a computer whose operating system is called SmallTalk, and would
|
||||
certainly never talk to the computer with a mouse.
|
||||
Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been incorporated into
|
||||
editors running on more reasonable operating systems -- EMACS and VI being
|
||||
two. The problem with these editors is that Real Programmers consider "what
|
||||
you see is what your get" is just as bad a concept in Text Editing as it is in
|
||||
women. No, the Real Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text
|
||||
editor -- complicated, cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, and dangerous. TECO,
|
||||
to be precise.
|
||||
It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more closely resembles
|
||||
transmission-line noise than readable text (4). One of the more entertaining
|
||||
games to play with TECO is to type your name in as a command line and try to
|
||||
guess what it does. Just about any possible typing error while talking with
|
||||
TECO will probably destroy yuour program, or even worse, introduce subtle and
|
||||
mysterious bugs in a once working subroutine.
|
||||
For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to actually edit a
|
||||
program that is close to working. They find it much easier instead to just
|
||||
patch the binary object code directly, using a wonderful program called
|
||||
SUPERZAP (or its equivalent on non-IBM machines). This works so well that
|
||||
many working programs on IBM systems bear no relation to the original FORTRAN
|
||||
code. In many cases, the original source code is no longer available. When
|
||||
it comes time to fix a program like this, no manager would even think of
|
||||
sending anyone less than a Real Programmer to do the job -- no Quiche Eating
|
||||
Structured Programmer would even know where to start. This is called "job
|
||||
security".
|
||||
|
||||
Here are some programming tools that Real Programmers <don't> use:
|
||||
|
||||
* FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. These are the
|
||||
Cuisinarts of programming -- great for making Quiche. See the
|
||||
comments on Structured Programming.
|
||||
* Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can read core dumps.
|
||||
* Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle creativity,
|
||||
destroy most of the interesting uses for the EQUIVALENCE statement,
|
||||
and make it impossible to modify the operating system code with
|
||||
negative subscripts. Worst of all, bounds checking is inefficient.
|
||||
* Source code maintenance systems. A Real Programmer keeps the code
|
||||
locked up in a card file, because it implies that the owner cannot
|
||||
leave important programs unguarded (5).
|
||||
|
||||
THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK
|
||||
Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind of programs are
|
||||
worthy of the efforts of so talented an individual? You can be sure that no
|
||||
Real Programmer should be caught dead writing accounts-receivable programs in
|
||||
COBOL, or sorting mailing lists for <People> magazine. A Real Programmer
|
||||
wants tasks of earth-shaking importance (literally!).
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing
|
||||
atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray-1 supercomputers.
|
||||
* Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding
|
||||
Russian transmissions.
|
||||
* It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real Programmers
|
||||
working for NASA that our boys got to the moon and back before the
|
||||
Russkies.
|
||||
* Real Programmers programmed the computers on the Space Shuttle.
|
||||
* Real Programmers are at work for Boeing, designing the operating
|
||||
systems for cruise missiles.
|
||||
|
||||
Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work at the Jet
|
||||
Propulsion Laboratory in California. Many of them know the entire operating
|
||||
system of the Pioneer and Voyager spacecraft by heart. With a combination of
|
||||
large ground-based FORTRAN programs and small spacecraft-based assembly
|
||||
language programs, they are able to do incredible feats of navigation and
|
||||
improvisation -- hitting ten-kilometer wide windows at Saturn after six years
|
||||
in space, repairing or bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios, and
|
||||
batteries. Allegedly, a Real Programmer managed to tuck a pattern-matching
|
||||
program into a few hundred bytes of unused memory in the Voyager spacecraft
|
||||
that searched for, located, and photographed a new moon of Jupiter.
|
||||
The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a gravity-assist
|
||||
trajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter. This trajectory passes 80 +/- 3
|
||||
kilometers of the surface of Mars. Nobody is going to trust a Pascal program
|
||||
(or a Pascal Programmer for that matter) for navigation to those tolerances.
|
||||
As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers work for the U.S.
|
||||
Government -- mainly the Defense Department. This is as it should be.
|
||||
Recently, however, a black cloud has formed on the Real Programmers' horizon.
|
||||
It seems that some highly placed Quiche Eaters at the Defense Department
|
||||
decided that all Defence programs should be written in some grand unified
|
||||
language called Ada ((C) DoD). For a while, it seemed that Ada was destined
|
||||
to become a language which went against all the precepts of Real Programming
|
||||
-- a language with structure, a language with data types, strong typing, and
|
||||
semicolons. In short, a language designed to cripple the creativity of the
|
||||
typical Real Programmer. Fortunately, the language which the DoD adopted has
|
||||
engough interesting features to make it approachable -- it's incredibly
|
||||
complex, includes methods for messing with the operating system and
|
||||
rearranging memory, and Edger Dijkstra doesn't like it (6). Dijkstra, as I'm
|
||||
sure you know, was the author of "The Go To Considered Harmful" -- a landmark
|
||||
work in programming methodology, applauded by Pascal Programmers and Quiche
|
||||
Eaters alike. Besides, the determined Real Programmer can write FORTRAN
|
||||
programs in any language.
|
||||
Real Programmers might compromise their principles and work on something
|
||||
slightly more trivial that the destruction of life as we know it, providing
|
||||
there's enough money in it. There are several Real Programmers writing video
|
||||
games at Atari, for example (but not playing them -- a Real Programmer knows
|
||||
how to beat the machine every time -- no challenge in that). Everybody at
|
||||
LucasFilms is a Real Programmer (it would be crazy to turn down the money of
|
||||
fifty million Star Trek fans). The proportion of Real Programmers in Computer
|
||||
Graphics is somewhat lower than the norm, mainly because nobody has found a
|
||||
use for Computer Graphics yet. On the other hand, all Computer Graphics
|
||||
programming is done in FORTRAN, so there are a fair number of people doing
|
||||
Graphics in order to avoid having to write COBOL programs.
|
||||
|
||||
THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY
|
||||
Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way as he works -- with
|
||||
computers. The Real Programmer is constantly amazed that his employer
|
||||
actually pays him for what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is
|
||||
careful not to express this opinion out loud). Ocassionally, a Real
|
||||
Programmer does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or
|
||||
two. Some tips on recognizing Real Programmers away from the computer room:
|
||||
|
||||
* At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking
|
||||
about operating system security and how to get around it.
|
||||
* At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the
|
||||
plays against a simulation printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.
|
||||
* At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in
|
||||
the sand.
|
||||
* At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George.
|
||||
And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary".
|
||||
* In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on
|
||||
running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he
|
||||
never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time.
|
||||
|
||||
THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT
|
||||
What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This
|
||||
is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering
|
||||
the amount of money it costs to keep a Real Programmer on the staff, it's best
|
||||
to put him or her in an environment where they can actually get the work done.
|
||||
The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal.
|
||||
Surrounding this terminal are:
|
||||
|
||||
* Listings of all the programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on,
|
||||
piled in roughly cronological order on every flat surface in the
|
||||
office.
|
||||
* Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee.
|
||||
Ocassionally there will be cigarrette butts floating in the coffee.
|
||||
In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush.
|
||||
* Unless the Real Programmer is very good, there will be copies of the
|
||||
OS JCL manual and the Principles of Operation open at some
|
||||
particularly interesting pages.
|
||||
* Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calandar for the year
|
||||
1969.
|
||||
* Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled
|
||||
cheese bars -- of the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so
|
||||
that they can't get any worse while waiting in the vending machine.
|
||||
* Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-
|
||||
stuff Oreos for special occasions.
|
||||
* Underneath the Oreos is the flow-charting template, left there by
|
||||
the previous occupant of the office. Real Programmers write
|
||||
programs, not documentation -- leave that to maintenance people.
|
||||
|
||||
The Real Programmer is capable of working thirty, fourty, even fifty
|
||||
hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, the Real Programmer
|
||||
prefers it that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer --
|
||||
it provides the chance to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is
|
||||
not enough schedule pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things
|
||||
more challenging by working on some small but interesting part of the problem
|
||||
for the first nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or
|
||||
three fifty-hour marathons. This not only impresses the hell out of the Real
|
||||
Programmer's manager who was despairing of ever getting the project done on
|
||||
time, but also creates a convenient excuse for not doing the documentation.
|
||||
In general:
|
||||
|
||||
* No Real Programmer works nine to five (unless its the ones at night).
|
||||
* A Real Programmer might or might not know the name of their spouse.
|
||||
The Real Programmer does, however, know the entire EBCDIC (or ASCII)
|
||||
code table.
|
||||
* Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open
|
||||
at three o'clock in the morning. Real Programmers survive on
|
||||
Twinkies and coffee.
|
||||
|
||||
THE FUTURE
|
||||
What of the future? It is a mattter of some concern to Real Programmers
|
||||
that the latest generation of computer programmers are not being brought up
|
||||
with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of them have never seen a
|
||||
computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these days
|
||||
can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these days are
|
||||
soft -- protected from the realities of programming by source level debuggers,
|
||||
text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly" operationg systems.
|
||||
Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer Scientists" manage to get
|
||||
degrees without ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry
|
||||
of UNIX hackers and Pascal programmers?
|
||||
From my experience, I can only report that the future is bright for Real
|
||||
Programmers everywhere. Neither OS/370 nor FORTRAN show any signs of dying
|
||||
out, despite all the efforts of Pascal programmers the world over. Even more
|
||||
subtle tricks, like adding structured programming constructs to FORTRAN, have
|
||||
failed. Oh sure, some computer vendors have come out with FORTRAN-77
|
||||
compilers, but every one of them has a way of converting it back to a FORTRAN-
|
||||
66 compiler at the drop of an option card -- to compile DO loops the way God
|
||||
intended.
|
||||
Even UNIX might not be as hard on Real Programmers as it once was. The
|
||||
latest release of UNIX has the potential of an operating system worthy of any
|
||||
Real Programmer -- two different and subtly incompatible user interfaces, an
|
||||
arcane and complicated teletype drive, and virtual memory. If you ignore the
|
||||
fact that it's structured, even C programming can be appreciated by Real
|
||||
Programmers. After all, there's no type checking, variable names are seven
|
||||
(ten? eight?) characters long, and the added bonus of the Pointer data type is
|
||||
thrown in -- like having the best parts of FORTRAN and assembly language in
|
||||
one place (not even talking about #define).
|
||||
No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the last few years, the
|
||||
popular press has even commented on the bright new crop of computer nerds and
|
||||
hackers ((7) and (8)) leaving places like Stanford and MIT for the Real World.
|
||||
From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on in these young men
|
||||
and women. As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and
|
||||
unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and
|
||||
Solve the Problem, saving the documentation for later. Long live FORTRAN!
|
||||
|
||||
REFERENCES
|
||||
(1) Feirstein, B., <Real Men Don't Eat Quiche>, New York, Pocket books,
|
||||
1982
|
||||
(2) Wirth, N., <Algorithms + Data Structures = Programs>, Prentice Hall,
|
||||
1976
|
||||
(3) Xerox PARC editors . . .
|
||||
(4) Finseth, C., <Theory and Practice of Text Editors -- or -- a
|
||||
Cookbook for an EMACS>, B.S. thesis, MIT/LCS/TM-165, Massachusetts
|
||||
Institute of Technology, May 1980
|
||||
(5) Weinberg, G. <The Psychology of Computer Programming>, New York, Van
|
||||
Nostrand Reinhold, 1971, page 110
|
||||
(6) Dijkstra, E. <On the GREEN Language Submitted to the DoD>, Sigolan
|
||||
notices, Volume 3, Number 10, October 1978
|
||||
(7) Rose, Frank, <Joy of Hacking>, Science 82 Volume 3, Number 9,
|
||||
November 1982, pages 58-66
|
||||
(8) <The Hacker Papers>., Psychology Today, August 1980
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
98
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realops.txt
Normal file
98
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realops.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,98 @@
|
||||
|
||||
REAL OPERATORS GUIDE...
|
||||
Brought to you by the Hexagon Suite
|
||||
...RULES TO LIVE BY
|
||||
|
||||
1. Real operators don't call themselves "SysOp" and don't have
|
||||
silly handles.
|
||||
Ever seen operators with handles such as "THE MASTER" or
|
||||
"TECHRAT" or some such other nonsense? Have a little
|
||||
dignity. And "SYSOP" is such a meaningless handle.
|
||||
This goes for users in general as well. If you're going
|
||||
to be using a handle for the rest of your lifetime in the
|
||||
modem world, why not pick an appropriate and interesting one?
|
||||
|
||||
2. Real operators know how to spell, and have a moderate grasp
|
||||
of English grammar.
|
||||
How many systems have you called on which the operator
|
||||
couldn't spell to save his life? If you're heading an
|
||||
organization designed for the distribution of free
|
||||
information (presumably that's why most people run a system
|
||||
in the first place), shouldn't you have enough of a grasp of
|
||||
the English language to get your point across at all?
|
||||
|
||||
3. Real operators can type faster than 20 words per minute.
|
||||
Every get into chat with a system operator only to find
|
||||
out he types slower than your grandmother? It's a rather
|
||||
worrying experience. This doesn't mean that an operator
|
||||
should be able to type 120 words per minute with 100%
|
||||
accuracy; merely that he should be able to get his point
|
||||
across in a minimal amount of time. After all, if you're
|
||||
going to be communicating with all your users via this medium
|
||||
-- the typewriter -- you'd better be able to type.
|
||||
|
||||
4. Real operators don't pick silly names for their system.
|
||||
How many systems have you seen around the country called
|
||||
"THE TAVERN" or "FORTRESS"? Again, if you're going to go
|
||||
through the trouble of putting up a system, why not give it
|
||||
an interesting title? Different titles always attract more
|
||||
users than the same old same mold.
|
||||
|
||||
5. Real operators write their own system software.
|
||||
Most users are tired of calling systems with the same old
|
||||
software used by a hundred others -- Wildcat, QuickBBS, and
|
||||
the like grow old very quickly. In addition, that
|
||||
"UNREGISTERED EVALUATION VERSION" message at each log on
|
||||
tends to get on the nerves as well. If you're going to put
|
||||
up a system, why not do the original authors of it the
|
||||
courtesy of _registering_ their system software package?
|
||||
If you don't have the expertise necessary to write your
|
||||
own system, perhaps you shouldn't be running one at all.
|
||||
Good systems are characterized by the computer literacy of
|
||||
the management.
|
||||
|
||||
6. Real operators run their systems 24 hours a day.
|
||||
Ever seen "Call this BBS -- from 9pm to 6am. It's run on
|
||||
my own private line..."? Why bother putting up a system if
|
||||
it's only going to be up on a partial time schedule? All
|
||||
this does is complicate things for both the user and the
|
||||
operator. The user is never sure of when are the exact times
|
||||
allowed to call the system, and because of this, the operator
|
||||
gets calls from modems all the time. In addition, many BBS
|
||||
lists don't have a field for hours up, so new users getting
|
||||
the BBS number from there may not even _know_ that it's not
|
||||
24 hours. And I'm almost embarrassed to say I've called a
|
||||
system that had call-waiting on the phone line! Users would
|
||||
kick each other off trying to get on.
|
||||
|
||||
7. Real operators don't call other systems on their own system
|
||||
line.
|
||||
It's a little ridiculous to tie up the system that you've
|
||||
put all your time and effort (and perhaps money) to set up
|
||||
just to get onto a few other systems. For God's sake, get
|
||||
another phone line!
|
||||
|
||||
8. Real operators have a separate, distinct phone line for their
|
||||
system.
|
||||
This follows a few of the other guidelines above. If
|
||||
you're going to invest in system software, you might as well
|
||||
go the extra length and get a separate phone line for it.
|
||||
Otherwise...why bother?
|
||||
|
||||
9. Real operators run their system off a hard drive of
|
||||
reasonable size.
|
||||
How many systems have you called and been shocked to find
|
||||
out that they're running off of two floppy disks? Be
|
||||
serious. You can't have any system worth calling on only a
|
||||
meg or so.
|
||||
|
||||
10. When real operators call other systems, they don't advertise
|
||||
their system at the end of their every post.
|
||||
It's annoying to see "CALL MY BBS -- 408-555-1212" at the
|
||||
end of someone's post every single time. If anything, this
|
||||
would probably make other users _not_ want to call your
|
||||
system.
|
||||
|
||||
-)(-
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
521
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpas.pro
Normal file
521
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpas.pro
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,521 @@
|
||||
Article 1915 of eunet.jokes:
|
||||
Path: santra!tut!draken!kth!mcvax!hp4nl!mcvax!inria!corto!ji
|
||||
From: ji@corto.inria.fr (John Ioannidis - Altair)
|
||||
Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
|
||||
Subject: Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal
|
||||
Message-ID: <1246@inria.UUCP>
|
||||
Date: 13 Feb 89 17:42:55 GMT
|
||||
Sender: news@inria.UUCP
|
||||
Reply-To: ji@corto.UUCP (John Ioannidis - Altair)
|
||||
Distribution: eunet
|
||||
Organization: GIP-Altair (IN2|INRIA|LRI)
|
||||
Lines: 505
|
||||
|
||||
Here's the real thing. Enjoy!
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
"Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL"
|
||||
|
||||
Back in the good old days -- the "Golden Era" of computers, it was easy
|
||||
to separate the men from the boys (sometimes called "Real Men" and "Quiche
|
||||
Eaters" in the literature). During this period, the Real Men were the ones that
|
||||
understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters were the ones that
|
||||
didn't. A real computer programmer said things like "DO 10 I=1,10" and "ABEND"
|
||||
(they actually talked in capital letters, you understand), and the rest of the
|
||||
world said things like "computers are too complicated for me" and "I can't
|
||||
relate to computers -- they're so impersonal". (A previous work [1] points out
|
||||
that Real Men don't "relate" to anything, and aren't afraid of being
|
||||
impersonal.)
|
||||
|
||||
But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a world in which
|
||||
little old ladies can get computers in their microwave ovens, 12-year-old kids
|
||||
can blow Real Men out of the water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and anyone
|
||||
can buy and even understand their very own Personal Computer. The Real
|
||||
Programmer is in danger of becoming extinct, of being replaced by high-school
|
||||
students with TRASH-80's.
|
||||
|
||||
There is a clear need to point out the differences between the typical
|
||||
high-school junior Pac-Man player and a Real Programmer. If this difference is
|
||||
made clear, it will give these kids something to aspire to -- a role model, a
|
||||
Father Figure. It will also help explain to the employers of Real Programmers
|
||||
why it would be a mistake to replace the Real Programmers on their staff with
|
||||
12-year-old Pac-Man players (at a considerable salary savings).
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
LANGUAGES
|
||||
---------
|
||||
|
||||
The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the crowd is by the
|
||||
programming language he (or she) uses. Real Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche
|
||||
Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of PASCAL, gave a talk once at
|
||||
which he was asked "How do you pronounce your name?". He replied, "You can
|
||||
either call me by name, pronouncing it 'Veert', or call me by value, 'Worth'."
|
||||
One can tell immediately from this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche
|
||||
Eater. The only parameter passing mechanism endorsed by Real Programmers is
|
||||
call-by-value-return, as implemented in the IBM\370 FORTRAN-G and H compilers.
|
||||
Real programmers don't need all these abstract concepts to get their jobs done
|
||||
-- they are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a FORTRAN IV compiler, and a beer.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN.
|
||||
|
||||
If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language. If you can't do it
|
||||
in assembly language, it isn't worth doing.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING
|
||||
----------------------
|
||||
|
||||
The academics in computer science have gotten into the "structured
|
||||
programming" rut over the past several years. They claim that programs are more
|
||||
easily understood if the programmer uses some special language constructs and
|
||||
techniques. They don't all agree on exactly which constructs, of course, and
|
||||
the examples they use to show their particular point of view invariably fit on
|
||||
a single page of some obscure journal or another -- clearly not enough of an
|
||||
example to convince anyone. When I got out of school, I thought I was the best
|
||||
programmer in the world. I could write an unbeatable tic-tac-toe program, use
|
||||
five different computer languages, and create 1000-line programs that WORKED.
|
||||
(Really!) Then I got out into the Real World. My first task in the Real World
|
||||
was to read and understand a 200,000-line FORTRAN program, then speed it up by
|
||||
a factor of two. Any Real Programmer will tell you that all the Structured
|
||||
Coding in the world won't help you solve a problem like that -- it takes actual
|
||||
talent. Some quick observations on Real Programmers and Structured Programming:
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops without
|
||||
getting confused.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements -- they make the
|
||||
code more interesting.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they can
|
||||
save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious.
|
||||
|
||||
* Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT ... UNTIL, or
|
||||
CASE statement, Real Programmers don't have to worry about not
|
||||
using them. Besides, they can be simulated when necessary using
|
||||
assigned GOTO's.
|
||||
|
||||
Data Structures have also gotten a lot of press lately. Abstract Data
|
||||
Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and Strings have become popular in certain
|
||||
circles. Wirth (the above-mentioned Quiche Eater) actually wrote an entire book
|
||||
[2] contending that you could write a program based on data structures, instead
|
||||
of the other way around. As all Real Programmers know, the only useful data
|
||||
structure is the Array. Strings, lists, structures, sets -- these are all
|
||||
special cases of arrays and can be treated that way just as easily without
|
||||
messing up your programing language with all sorts of complications. The worst
|
||||
thing about fancy data types is that you have to declare them, and Real
|
||||
Programming Languages, as we all know, have implicit typing based on the first
|
||||
letter of the (six character) variable name.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
OPERATING SYSTEMS
|
||||
-----------------
|
||||
|
||||
What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer? CP/M? God
|
||||
forbid -- CP/M, after all, is basically a toy operating system. Even little
|
||||
old ladies and grade school students can understand and use CP/M.
|
||||
|
||||
Unix is a lot more complicated of course -- the typical Unix hacker
|
||||
never can remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- but when it
|
||||
gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't do Serious
|
||||
Work on Unix systems: they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net and write
|
||||
adventure games and research papers.
|
||||
|
||||
No, your Real Programmer uses OS\370. A good programmer can find and
|
||||
understand the description of the IJK305I error he just got in his JCL manual.
|
||||
A great programmer can write JCL without referring to the manual at all. A
|
||||
truly outstanding programmer can find bugs buried in a 6 megabyte core dump
|
||||
without using a hex calculator. (I have actually seen this done.)
|
||||
|
||||
OS is a truly remarkable operating system. It's possible to destroy
|
||||
days of work with a single misplaced space, so alertness in the programming
|
||||
staff is encouraged. The best way to approach the system is through a keypunch.
|
||||
Some people claim there is a Time Sharing system that runs on OS\370, but after
|
||||
careful study I have come to the conclusion that they were mistaken.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
PROGRAMMING TOOLS
|
||||
----------------
|
||||
|
||||
What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In theory, a Real
|
||||
Programmer could run his programs by keying them into the front panel of the
|
||||
computer. Back in the days when computers had front panels, this was actually
|
||||
done occasionally. Your typical Real Programmer knew the entire bootstrap
|
||||
loader by memory in hex, and toggled it in whenever it got destroyed by his
|
||||
program. (Back then, memory was memory -- it didn't go away when the power went
|
||||
off. Today, memory either forgets things when you don't want it to, or
|
||||
remembers things long after they're better forgotten.) Legend has it that
|
||||
Seymore Cray, inventor of the Cray I supercomputer and most of Control Data's
|
||||
computers, actually toggled the first operating system for the CDC7600 in on
|
||||
the front panel from memory when it was first powered on. Seymore, needless to
|
||||
say, is a Real Programmer.
|
||||
|
||||
One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems programmer for Texas
|
||||
Instruments. One day he got a long distance call from a user whose system had
|
||||
crashed in the middle of saving some important work. Jim was able to repair the
|
||||
damage over the phone, getting the user to toggle in disk I/O instructions at
|
||||
the front panel, repairing system tables in hex, reading register contents back
|
||||
over the phone. The moral of this story: while a Real Programmer usually
|
||||
includes a keypunch and lineprinter in his toolkit, he can get along with just
|
||||
a front panel and a telephone in emergencies.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
In some companies, text editing no longer consists of ten engineers
|
||||
standing in line to use an 029 keypunch. In fact, the building I work in
|
||||
doesn't contain a single keypunch. The Real Programmer in this situation has to
|
||||
do his work with a "text editor" program. Most systems supply several text
|
||||
editors to select from, and the Real Programmer must be careful to pick one
|
||||
that reflects his personal style. Many people believe that the best text
|
||||
editors in the world were written at Xerox Palo Alto Research Center for use on
|
||||
their Alto and Dorado computers [3]. Unfortunately, no Real Programmer would
|
||||
ever use a computer whose operating system is called SmallTalk, and would
|
||||
certainly not talk to the computer with a mouse.
|
||||
|
||||
Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been incorporated into
|
||||
editors running on more reasonably named operating systems -- EMACS and VI
|
||||
being two. The problem with these editors is that Real Programmers consider
|
||||
"what you see is what you get" to be just as bad a concept in Text Editors as
|
||||
it is in women. No the Real Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it"
|
||||
text editor -- complicated, cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. TECO, to
|
||||
be precise.
|
||||
|
||||
It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more closely
|
||||
resembles transmission line noise than readable text [4]. One of the more
|
||||
entertaining games to play with TECO is to type your name in as a command line
|
||||
and try to guess what it does. Just about any possible typing error while
|
||||
talking with TECO will probably destroy your program, or even worse --
|
||||
introduce subtle and mysterious bugs in a once working subroutine.
|
||||
|
||||
For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to actually edit a
|
||||
program that is close to working. They find it much easier to just patch the
|
||||
binary object code directly, using a wonderful program called SUPERZAP (or its
|
||||
equivalent on non-IBM machines). This works so well that many working programs
|
||||
on IBM systems bear no relation to the original FORTRAN code. In many cases,
|
||||
the original source code is no longer available. When it comes time to fix a
|
||||
program like this, no manager would even think of sending anything less than a
|
||||
Real Programmer to do the job -- no Quiche Eating structured programmer would
|
||||
even know where to start. This is called "job security".
|
||||
|
||||
Some programming tools NOT used by Real Programmers:
|
||||
|
||||
* FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. The Cuisinarts of
|
||||
programming -- great for making Quiche. See comments above on
|
||||
structured programming.
|
||||
|
||||
* Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can read core dumps.
|
||||
|
||||
* Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle creativity, destroy
|
||||
most of the interesting uses for EQUIVALENCE, and make it impossible
|
||||
to modify the operating system code with negative subscripts. Worst of
|
||||
all, bounds checking is inefficient.
|
||||
|
||||
* Source code maintenance systems. A Real Programmer keeps his code
|
||||
locked up in a card file, because it implies that its owner cannot
|
||||
leave his important programs unguarded [5].
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK
|
||||
---------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind of programs are
|
||||
worthy of the efforts of so talented an individual? You can be sure that no
|
||||
Real Programmer would be caught dead writing accounts-receivable programs in
|
||||
COBOL, or sorting mailing lists for People magazine. A Real Programmer wants
|
||||
tasks of earth-shaking importance (literally!).
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing
|
||||
atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding
|
||||
Russian transmissions.
|
||||
|
||||
* It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real Programmers
|
||||
working for NASA that our boys got to the moon and back before
|
||||
the Russkies.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the operating
|
||||
systems for cruise missiles.
|
||||
|
||||
Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work at the Jet
|
||||
Propulsion Laboratory in California. Many of them know the entire operating
|
||||
system of the Pioneer and Voyager spacecraft by heart. With a combination of
|
||||
large ground-based FORTRAN programs and small spacecraft-based assembly
|
||||
language programs, they are able to do incredible feats of navigation and
|
||||
improvisation -- hitting ten-kilometer wide windows at Saturn after six years
|
||||
in space, repairing or bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios, and
|
||||
batteries. Allegedly, one Real Programmer managed to tuck a pattern-matching
|
||||
program into a few hundred bytes of unused memory in a Voyager spacecraft that
|
||||
searched for, located, and photographed a new moon of Jupiter.
|
||||
|
||||
The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a gravity assist
|
||||
trajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter. This trajectory passes within 80
|
||||
+/-3 kilometers of the surface of Mars. Nobody is going to trust a PASCAL
|
||||
program (or a PASCAL programmer) for navigation to these tolerances.
|
||||
|
||||
As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers work for the U.S.
|
||||
Government -- mainly the Defense Department. This is as it should be.
|
||||
Recently, however, a black cloud has formed on the Real Programmer horizon. It
|
||||
seems that some highly placed Quiche Eaters at the Defense Department decided
|
||||
that all Defense programs should be written in some grand unified language
|
||||
called "ADA" ((C), DoD). For a while, it seemed that ADA was destined to
|
||||
become a language that went against all the precepts of Real Programming -- a
|
||||
language with structure, a language with data types, strong typing, and
|
||||
semicolons. In short, a language designed to cripple the creativity of the
|
||||
typical Real Programmer. Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD has enough
|
||||
interesting features to make it approachable -- it's incredibly complex,
|
||||
includes methods for messing with the operating system and rearranging memory,
|
||||
and Edsgar Dijkstra doesn't like it [6]. (Dijkstra, as I'm sure you know, was
|
||||
the author of "GoTos Considered Harmful" -- a landmark work in programming
|
||||
methodology, applauded by PASCAL programmers and Quiche Eaters alike.) Besides,
|
||||
the determined Real Programmer can write FORTRAN programs in any language.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
The Real Programmer might compromise his principles and work on
|
||||
something slightly more trivial than the destruction of life as we know it,
|
||||
providing there's enough money in it. There are several Real Programmers
|
||||
building video games at Atari, for example. (But not playing them -- a Real
|
||||
Programmer knows how to beat the machine every time: no challenge in that.)
|
||||
Everyone working at LucasFilm is a Real Programmer. (It would be crazy to turn
|
||||
down the money of fifty million Star Trek fans.) The proportion of Real
|
||||
Programmers in Computer Graphics is somewhat lower than the norm, mostly
|
||||
because nobody has found a use for computer graphics yet. On the other hand,
|
||||
all computer graphics is done in FORTRAN, so there are a fair number of people
|
||||
doing graphics in order to avoid having to write COBOL programs.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers... p. 7
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY
|
||||
---------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works -- with
|
||||
computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to do
|
||||
what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to express
|
||||
this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step out of the
|
||||
office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on recognizing
|
||||
Real Programmers away from the computer room:
|
||||
|
||||
* At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking
|
||||
about operating system security and how to get around it.
|
||||
|
||||
* At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays
|
||||
against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.
|
||||
|
||||
* At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in
|
||||
the sand.
|
||||
|
||||
* At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George. And he
|
||||
almost had the sort routine working before the coronary."
|
||||
|
||||
* In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running
|
||||
the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could
|
||||
trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT
|
||||
-------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in?
|
||||
This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering
|
||||
the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put him (or
|
||||
her) in an environment where he can get his work done.
|
||||
|
||||
The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal.
|
||||
Surrounding this terminal are:
|
||||
|
||||
* Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in
|
||||
roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.
|
||||
|
||||
* Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally,
|
||||
there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases,
|
||||
the cups will contain Orange Crush.
|
||||
|
||||
* Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OS JCL manual and the
|
||||
Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting pages.
|
||||
|
||||
* Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calendar for the year 1969.
|
||||
|
||||
* Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled
|
||||
cheese bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they
|
||||
can't get any worse while waiting in the vending machine.
|
||||
|
||||
* Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff
|
||||
Oreos for special occasions.
|
||||
|
||||
* Underneath the Oreos is a flowcharting template, left there by the
|
||||
previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not
|
||||
documentation. Leave that to the maintenance people.)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a
|
||||
stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad response
|
||||
time doesn't bother the Real Programmer -- it gives him a chance to catch a
|
||||
little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule pressure on the
|
||||
Real Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging by working on some
|
||||
small but interesting part of the problem for the first nine weeks, then
|
||||
finishing the rest in the last week, in two or three 50-hour marathons. This
|
||||
not only impresses the hell out of his manager, who was despairing of ever
|
||||
getting the project done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing
|
||||
the documentation. In general:
|
||||
|
||||
* No Real Programmer works 9 to 5 (unless it's the ones at night).
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers don't wear neckties.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers don't wear high-heeled shoes.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch [9].
|
||||
|
||||
* A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He does,
|
||||
however, know the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table.
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open at
|
||||
three in the morning. Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
THE FUTURE
|
||||
----------
|
||||
|
||||
What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers
|
||||
that the latest generation of computer programmers are not being brought up
|
||||
with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of them have never seen a
|
||||
computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these days
|
||||
can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these days are
|
||||
soft -- protected from the realities of programming by source level debuggers,
|
||||
text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly" operating systems.
|
||||
Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees
|
||||
without ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix
|
||||
hackers and PASCAL programmers?
|
||||
|
||||
From my experience, I can only report that the future is bright for
|
||||
Real Programmers everywhere. Neither OS\370 nor FORTRAN show any signs of dying
|
||||
out, despite all the efforts of PASCAL programmers the world over. Even more
|
||||
subtle tricks, like adding structured coding constructs to FORTRAN have failed.
|
||||
Oh sure, some computer vendors have come out with FORTRAN 77 compilers, but
|
||||
every one of them has a way of converting itself back into a FORTRAN 66
|
||||
compiler at the drop of an option card -- to compile DO loops like God meant
|
||||
them to be.
|
||||
|
||||
Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it once was. The
|
||||
latest release of Unix has the potential of an operating system worthy of any
|
||||
Real Programmer -- two different and subtly incompatible user interfaces, an
|
||||
arcane and complicated teletype driver, virtual memory. If you ignore the fact
|
||||
that it's "structured", even 'C' programming can be appreciated by the Real
|
||||
Programmer: after all, there's no type checking, variable names are seven (ten?
|
||||
eight?) characters long, and the added bonus of the Pointer data type is thrown
|
||||
in -- like having the best parts of FORTRAN and assembly language in one place.
|
||||
(Not to mention some of the more creative uses for #define.)
|
||||
|
||||
No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the past few years, the
|
||||
popular press has even commented on the bright new crop of computer nerds and
|
||||
hackers ([7] and [8]) leaving places like Stanford and M.I.T. for the Real
|
||||
World. From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on in these
|
||||
young men and women. As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs,
|
||||
and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in
|
||||
and Solve The Problem, saving the documentation for later. Long live FORTRAN!
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
ACKNOWLEGEMENT
|
||||
--------------
|
||||
|
||||
I would like to thank Jan E., Dave S., Rich G., Rich E., for their help
|
||||
in characterizing the Real Programmer, Heather B. for the illustration, Kathy
|
||||
E. for putting up with it, and atd!avsdS:mark for the initial inspiration.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
REFERENCES
|
||||
----------
|
||||
|
||||
[1] Feirstein, B., "Real Men don't Eat Quiche", New
|
||||
York, Pocket Books, 1982.
|
||||
|
||||
[2] Wirth, N., "Algorithms + Data Structures =
|
||||
Programs", Prentice Hall, 1976.
|
||||
|
||||
[3] Ilson, R., "Recent Research in Text Processing",
|
||||
IEEE Trans. Prof. Commun., Vol. PC-23, No. 4,
|
||||
Dec. 4, 1980.
|
||||
|
||||
[4] Finseth, C., "Theory and Practice of Text Editors
|
||||
-- or -- a Cookbook for an EMACS", B.S. Thesis,
|
||||
MIT/LCS/TM-165, Massachusetts Institute of
|
||||
Technology, May 1980.
|
||||
|
||||
[5] Weinberg, G., "The Psychology of Computer
|
||||
Programming", New York, Van Nostrand Reinhold,
|
||||
1971, p. 110.
|
||||
|
||||
[6] Dijkstra, E., "On the GREEN language submitted to
|
||||
the DoD", Sigplan notices, Vol. 3 No. 10, Oct
|
||||
1978.
|
||||
|
||||
[7] Rose, Frank, "Joy of Hacking", Science 82, Vol. 3
|
||||
No. 9, Nov 82, pp. 58-66.
|
||||
|
||||
[8] "The Hacker Papers", Psychology Today, August 1980.
|
||||
|
||||
[9] sdcarl!lin, "Real Programmers", UUCP-net, Thu Oct
|
||||
21 16:55:16 1982
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
#include <appropriate disclaimers>
|
||||
|
||||
In-Real-Life: John Ioannidis
|
||||
E-Mail-To: <ji@cs.columbia.edu> (preferred), or <ji@walkuere.altair.fr>
|
||||
P-Mail-To: GIP-Altair, Dom de Voluceau BP105, Rocquencourt 78153 Le Chesnay, FR
|
||||
V-Mail-To: +33 1 39635227, +33 1 39635417
|
||||
|
||||
... It's all greek to me
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
153
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realphre.hum
Normal file
153
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realphre.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,153 @@
|
||||
___________________________
|
||||
| |
|
||||
*REAL PHREAKERS GUIDE VOL. 1*
|
||||
| |
|
||||
* typed and created by *
|
||||
| |
|
||||
* Taran King *
|
||||
| and |
|
||||
* Knight Lightning *
|
||||
| |
|
||||
* Written on 6/10/85 *
|
||||
|___________________________|
|
||||
|
||||
This guide is written in the same stream as the Real Pirates Guides, but for
|
||||
the Real Phreak. This is basically what real phreaks do and don't do according
|
||||
to other real phreaks... "Written by Real Phreaks for Real Phreaks". This
|
||||
phile has been written with the compiled ideas of phreaks other than the two
|
||||
writers listed in the intro. Therefore, we have a wider view of what you should
|
||||
be like. Well...on with the show!!!
|
||||
_____________________________________________________________
|
||||
|
||||
Phone Phreak - (as defined by Forest Ranger) In the mid- 1970's, cheating the
|
||||
phone company became the great national pasttime among a select group known as
|
||||
"Phone Phreaks". These hearty young souls knew more about the phone network
|
||||
than many AT&T engineers, and they learned most of it by reading AT&T technical
|
||||
journals and by experimenting with their own phones. But today, the Phone
|
||||
Phreaks have been hurt by a mass group known as the "Rodents". These Rodents
|
||||
have caused much pain and sorrow to what we know today as phreaking. This phile
|
||||
will show the do's and don't's of a real Phone Phreak...
|
||||
_____________________________________________________________
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks don't just leech off of BBS messages for their codes.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real phreaks know that codes posted on BBS's are the most used and
|
||||
are probably the closest to being unsafe. Also, it is a known fact that pheds
|
||||
occasionally plant trap codes (codes with traces) to catch the phreak at work.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks don't worry about spelling. If their preference of spelling cool
|
||||
(K00L) is different from someone elses, they don't worry about what they say.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks don't try to bluebox from their home if they have ESS.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real phreaks know that almost anything on ESS besides phreaking
|
||||
from your home is unsafe!
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks don't call out of state Atari boards (unless they of course are
|
||||
an <koff!> Atari looking for wares) unless it is a phreak board (a rare case!).
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks don't even attempt to use 2400 baud on extenders.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real phreaks hope for the day that MCI/Sprint/Metro/etc. make it
|
||||
safe for phreaks to do 2400 baud transmissions.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary 2: Real phreaks know that extenders are the same as phreak numbers
|
||||
as MCI and any other service.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks read the Basic Telecommunications philes by BIOC Agent 003 to
|
||||
find out what is safe and what is not.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks have been on a conference.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real phreaks know how, and could at their will, any time, set up a
|
||||
conference.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks don't try to use pulse fones on an extender.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: If they don't have a touch tone fone, they know to use Travelnet's
|
||||
voice verification (even though it's not the safest to use from your home).
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks don't have problems obtaining numbers to their local long
|
||||
distance service.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real phreaks don't post messages asking for the number to the
|
||||
local long distance service dial-up.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks don't spend hours redialing Diversi-Dials all over the country,
|
||||
knowing that they are basically the same, and it won't help to keep the code
|
||||
valid.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real phreaks don't call Diversi-Dials to get recognition on their
|
||||
name because they know that other people call up Diversi-Dials under false
|
||||
handles of other phreaks to get attention.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks pirate.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks don't work for any government agency.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks don't bust other phreaks (for any reason).
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks know that P-80 isn't a legal board for you to call and voice your
|
||||
opinion about tHe new P-80 model of the TRS computer.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real phreaks don't call boards named "H.O.M.E.", "Family Circus",
|
||||
or anything else that indicates family outings on the BBS's.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreak boards aren't named "Phreak/Hack Centre USA" and have their number
|
||||
posted on the Compu-Serve national BBS listing.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks have better things to do with their time than have Compu-Sex
|
||||
through a Diversi-Dial, E-mail, or any Dial-Your-Match BBS.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real phreaks get the real thing.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks don't listen to Duran Duran...ever!
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real phreaks change the channel with swiftness if they hear any
|
||||
gay group come onto the channel they are listening to.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks aren't named "Mr. Phreak" on boards like "H.O.M.E." or any legal
|
||||
board.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real phreaks can think up a creative name unlike "Mr. Phreak" for
|
||||
their permanant name.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks don't watch Saturday morning cartoons.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks don't use their codes to call up sysops of boards all overthe
|
||||
country to bother them voice for hours.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks don't have to start G-philes disks by leeching off of other
|
||||
phreaks because they are original enough to realize that they are readily
|
||||
available on most phreak boards.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks can spot a rodent 10 miles away.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks don't watch the Bible Banger's shows on Sunday mornings.
|
||||
|
||||
Real phreaks know how to separate phreak messages and hack messages.
|
||||
|
||||
_____________________________________________________________
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Well, that about wraps it up for Real Phreakers Guide Volume 1. If there is
|
||||
already a volume one for a Real Phreakers Guide, well, this is our volume one.
|
||||
If any of this is copied from your Real Phreakers Guide, we apologize, but this
|
||||
has all been original. This has been brought around with the help of the
|
||||
following phreaks:
|
||||
|
||||
Forest Ranger, The Lone Ranger, Napoleon Solo, and other minor phreaks that I
|
||||
might have missed.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Real Phreakers Guide Volume 1 --- by Taran King and Knight
|
||||
|
||||
Lightning
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
From Metal Shop: Dark Tower Phase II --- 314-432-0756
|
||||
Many more philes where this one came from!!!
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
81
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpir.hum
Normal file
81
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpir.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,81 @@
|
||||
!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!
|
||||
!*! !*!
|
||||
!*! Your Guide to 'REAL PIRATE'S GUIDES' !*!
|
||||
!*! by the oracle !*!
|
||||
!*! !*!
|
||||
!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!
|
||||
|
||||
Sorry, folks, just felt I had to get this out. So many damn 'Real Pirate's
|
||||
Guides' have been coming out that it has become something just to do for fun.
|
||||
In this textfile I will outline the rules for ACCEPTABLE pirates, and not just
|
||||
to be funny...I think this shit has gone long enough. It will also (and above
|
||||
all) tell what is UNACCAPTABLE for a pirate. Well, on with it!
|
||||
|
||||
It still stands that true pirates are at least 15 years old. I have seen some
|
||||
exceptions, but these have been around older pirates for a long time and already
|
||||
knew what they were getting into!
|
||||
|
||||
It doesn't matter about a pirate's behavior. He may be the meanest guy in the
|
||||
high seas (sorry about that..) but could still be a damn good pirate. But since
|
||||
the number of that kind of pirate seems to be on the rise, there may be no
|
||||
pirates of tomorrow. Well, very few. Pirates are ENCOURAGED to help beginners,
|
||||
but we all have our Captain Bob's to pick on.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates DO NOT LEACH, even though SYSOPS of AE's say they don't mind it.
|
||||
Get several AE's and if one has something another doesn't have, get it and give
|
||||
it to the other. Pass it around, don't hog your wares and say 'no, call this AE
|
||||
and get it'!!
|
||||
|
||||
Oh: Real AE lines aren't leach lines. Good SYSOPS are active and get all the
|
||||
new wares for their AE they can. LEACH LINES SUCK! The SYSOP's are (generally)
|
||||
assholes. The only exceptions are those who don't have time for it (as opposed
|
||||
to those who get tired of waiting for uploads). And these aren't real pirates
|
||||
anyway!
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates keep the same general image during their whole career, changing
|
||||
it gradually when there is any criticism. Don't make rapid changes! For
|
||||
example, don't switch from cuss-out wars to questions about programming and
|
||||
really philisophical messages.
|
||||
|
||||
Pirates know how to PROGRAM!! And understand their computers!!! If you're
|
||||
going to ask a stupid question, put it on a board you don't leave messages on
|
||||
too often and make it anonymous. But if you do this do so in the knowledge that
|
||||
you are STILL ON YOUR WAY to being a pirate! Most good pirates are geniuses who
|
||||
rarely display their knowledge.
|
||||
|
||||
It isn't necessary for a pirate to krack, but he better have a damn good
|
||||
understanding about his computer. Sorry for rehashing this but I think it is
|
||||
THE NUMBER ONE thing a pirate should know.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates know that there is always room for improvement. THERE IS NO SUCH
|
||||
THING AS THE PERFECT PIRATE! A pirate might be the greatest alive but he still
|
||||
isn't perfect! True pirates don't go for fads; they have their own lifestyles,
|
||||
and if anybody doesn't like it, tough shit for them!
|
||||
|
||||
Pirates think before they choose a name or before they enter a message. Think
|
||||
about what other people will think! This may seem to contradict what I just
|
||||
said, but there are certain limits of dignity!! On the keyboard, anyway.
|
||||
|
||||
And pirates know how to raise all hell when anybody says anything about them.
|
||||
And not just pure cusswords; Pirates are strategic in their attacks. They know
|
||||
what hurts, and they use it wisely.
|
||||
|
||||
-----------
|
||||
|
||||
I hope this helps any beginning pirates and sets the record straight about
|
||||
actions a pirate should make. Of course, no 'guide' can be absolutely complete;
|
||||
But I tried to give you the general idea of a pirate's character, and what he
|
||||
should know (everything!) before he can call himself a pirate.
|
||||
|
||||
Good luck, and happy hacking (what pirates do for fun)!
|
||||
|
||||
the oracle
|
||||
|
||||
[=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=]
|
||||
[ ]
|
||||
[ THE TRADING POST ]
|
||||
[ 504 - 291 - 4970 ]
|
||||
[ ]
|
||||
[=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=]
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
327
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpir.txt
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327
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@@ -0,0 +1,327 @@
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
**************************************
|
||||
* High Society presents... *
|
||||
* *
|
||||
* The Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2 *
|
||||
* *
|
||||
* compiled by *
|
||||
* Ctrl-Reset *
|
||||
***************************************
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Finally! After a few cheap imitations,
|
||||
the second volume of Rabid Rasta's
|
||||
Real Pirate's Guide. Since RR has left
|
||||
for the college scene, and I worked
|
||||
closely with him on the first version,
|
||||
you'll have to put up with me for this
|
||||
installment.
|
||||
|
||||
----------
|
||||
|
||||
As stated in the first edition of The
|
||||
Real Pirate's Guide, there are a lot
|
||||
of pirates; unfortunately, a vast
|
||||
majority of them are morons. For this
|
||||
reason, these "guides" have been as-
|
||||
sembled to aid in the growth and matur-
|
||||
ity of the younger pirate generation.
|
||||
Which brings us to the golden rule of
|
||||
pirating: "REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15
|
||||
YEARS OF AGE"(exceptions are few, like
|
||||
if one was a beta-tester for
|
||||
Broderbund, we could let that slide).
|
||||
|
||||
What follows is a compendium of all the
|
||||
ideals and morals a Real Pirate should
|
||||
possess. Note that some have been
|
||||
taken over from the first Guide because
|
||||
of their high value, and because these
|
||||
rules are still widely knocked around.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
----------
|
||||
|
||||
[SOFTWARE]
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates can appreciate the differ-
|
||||
ence between "Karateka," and "Competi-
|
||||
tion Karate".
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates have long-since deleted
|
||||
"Caverns of Freitag," "Mr. Cool,"
|
||||
"Trompers," "Jenny of the Prairie,"
|
||||
and still couldn't give a sack of dog
|
||||
dicks about anything from Avalon Hill,
|
||||
SSI, and especially Scott Adams(AI).
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real Pirates would jump
|
||||
at the chance to "help" Adventure
|
||||
International go Chapter 11.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates aren't obsessed with the
|
||||
never-ending quest of collecting all
|
||||
12 sides of "Time Zone".
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates respect the programming
|
||||
and creative talents of those working
|
||||
for Broderbund, Infocom, and Electron-
|
||||
ic Arts, and congratulate them on a
|
||||
valiant attempt to make money.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates didn't get excessively
|
||||
excited upon the release of "Soft-
|
||||
Porn Adventure," "Strip Poker," or
|
||||
anything of the sort.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates respect the efforts of
|
||||
other pirates to sell his or her own programs, but would distribute them
|
||||
at them drop of a hat.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates pirates aren't just
|
||||
"learning assembly." Or even worse,
|
||||
"machine language."
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't contemplate why
|
||||
their Apple II+ w/48k won't run
|
||||
"King's Quest," or "DazzleDraw."
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates know that the Mail
|
||||
Trading Club, run by The Professor, is
|
||||
the biggest mail-order scam/rip-off
|
||||
since X-Ray glasses.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates aren't anticipating the
|
||||
release of the follow-up to "The
|
||||
Phillistine Ploy."
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates know that Lord British is
|
||||
not the Monarch of any European empire.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates know that "Road Pizza" was
|
||||
either a very good joke, or a very bad
|
||||
game.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates play "Karateka".
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
[MODEMING/BBS']
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
When posting a message, Real Pirates
|
||||
can differentiate between: 'z' and 's',
|
||||
'ph' and 'f', '2' and 'two', 'u' and
|
||||
'you', '0' and 'O', '4' and 'for', and
|
||||
'x' and 'ks'.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real Pirates have long-
|
||||
since rg7ses{ed thg ability to punctu-
|
||||
ate, spell and construct clear, well
|
||||
organized sentences.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary to the corollary: Real
|
||||
Pirates aren't constantly searching for
|
||||
new ways to spell "WARES".
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't use the prefix "k-"
|
||||
(ie. k-k00l, k-awesome, k-mart).
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates use lower case.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't use text graphics.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't use imbedded back-
|
||||
spacing.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't post "I have" mes-
|
||||
sages, when they really don't have.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates aren't to impressed with
|
||||
"spinny" cursors, and turn them off
|
||||
upon logging onto such boards.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't try to impress
|
||||
others with their superior ability to
|
||||
add many carriage returns at the end
|
||||
of a message, thus preventing anyone
|
||||
from reading the last few lines.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't brag about people
|
||||
they know, or clubs they are in to
|
||||
the point of becoming obnoxious.
|
||||
(ie."RACKRACKRACKRACKRACKRACKRACK",etc)
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't obtain their
|
||||
"phreak" codes from the local Net-Works "super-elite hack board".
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates use the latest version
|
||||
of ASCII Express "Pro".
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates, when trading with another Real Pirate, are not concerned with
|
||||
matching everything the other pirate
|
||||
sends them. Real Pirates are happy to
|
||||
send wares to other Real Pirates simply because they are in the same business.
|
||||
(ie. no, "I send you 3 sides, you send
|
||||
me 3 sides")
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't wait for BBS' to
|
||||
print-out their "goodbye" message, they
|
||||
hang-up.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates always have a copy of
|
||||
"Disk-fer" or "Cat-Send" handy, or both.
|
||||
Real Pirates don't end their messages
|
||||
with, "leave e-mail to [xxx xxx]," or
|
||||
anything of the sort.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real Pirates don't respond
|
||||
to such messages, and in no way use
|
||||
them as a means to get "new wares."
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates aren't found to frequent
|
||||
the local "Bitch Board".
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates know that Der Fuhrer is
|
||||
a total and complete looser, and also
|
||||
know that the most he ever did to distribute anything was "send it to a few peo
|
||||
ple."(what everyone else does)
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't have to "ask" if one
|
||||
has an Apple Cat, Real Pirates "assume" one has an Apple Cat.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real Pirates know that a
|
||||
"cat"--when referred to by another
|
||||
pirate--is not a small, furry mammal in
|
||||
the genus of a tiger(unless specificly
|
||||
pointed out as such.)
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary to the corollary: Real
|
||||
Pirates couldn't give a bucket of
|
||||
hampster vomit about anything pertain-
|
||||
ing to anyone else's pet.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't make threats of
|
||||
violence against others through the
|
||||
phone lines. After all, how is someone
|
||||
living in Acron, Ohio going to "beat
|
||||
the living shit out of" someone living
|
||||
in Waco, Texas? Not through Zap Mail,
|
||||
that's for sure.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates know that the disclaimers
|
||||
often stuck in by BBS sysops do little
|
||||
more then waste 20-40 bytes of RAM.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't post messages
|
||||
telling us what is "old", so they can
|
||||
fill some space, thus making it look
|
||||
like they actually had a reason to post
|
||||
something relavent.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates don't think it's keen to
|
||||
be able to put '/EX' on a line by it-
|
||||
self, and have it included in the mess-
|
||||
age.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates have a "sixth sense" that
|
||||
tells them which board to post a cer-
|
||||
tain message on(ie. no "new wares" mes-
|
||||
sages on the "Famous People Which I
|
||||
Have Met" board).
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates can spot a Net-Works BBS
|
||||
miles away.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
[GROUPS/NAMES]
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates names aren't parodies of
|
||||
other respectable pirates (ie. The Male
|
||||
Nurse of Magenta Bag, Franklin Bandit,
|
||||
5 1/4" Jockey, etc.).
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates names have no association
|
||||
to any type of music whatsoever (ie.
|
||||
Green Manalishi, The Scorpion,etc.).
|
||||
|
||||
Never is the prefix "Krack", or "Crack" found in a Real Pirates name unless
|
||||
they actually can crack, and don't just
|
||||
have one.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates know that M.P.G does not
|
||||
stand for 'Miles Per Gallon', 'Many
|
||||
Pieces of Gravel', 'My Prick is Green',
|
||||
or anything of the sort.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real Pirates would never
|
||||
think of forming, or joining another
|
||||
group with the suffix "P.G.", standing
|
||||
for "Pirates Guild"(three is enough).
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates aren't named: The Ace,
|
||||
The Zapman, Lord Fagan, Captain Bly,
|
||||
Pac-Rat, The Wrench, The Caretaker,
|
||||
The Lumberjack, Mr. Party, The Fly,
|
||||
Happy Hacker, or Der Fuhrer.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
[MISCELLANEOUS]
|
||||
|
||||
When talking with a Real Pirate on the
|
||||
phone, you can be assured of not hear-
|
||||
ing Culture Club or the Pointer Sisters
|
||||
being played stridently in the back-
|
||||
ground.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates are not offended by
|
||||
articles in NewsWeek simply because
|
||||
they make a few dorogatory remarks
|
||||
about BBS/modem users, and do not use
|
||||
this weak reason for making the
|
||||
author's life miserable.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates weren't dissapointed when
|
||||
"Fantasy Island" was cancelled, and
|
||||
didn't worry whether or not the Cuban
|
||||
midget would ever get another job.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates would like to see a final
|
||||
episode of "The Love Boat", where Vicky
|
||||
absent-mindidly throws a lighted joint next to a propane tank, causing the ship
|
||||
to go up in a terrific display of fire and smoke, whilst seeing the heads and b
|
||||
odyparts of "your crew" scattered about the water.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates watch "Late Night with
|
||||
David Lettermen."
|
||||
|
||||
Real Pirates just don't give a damn!
|
||||
|
||||
----------
|
||||
|
||||
Well, that's it. For now. If you were
|
||||
at all offended by anything in this
|
||||
article, that's your que to retire from
|
||||
pirating, because after all, Real
|
||||
Pirates aren't offended by things
|
||||
contained in text files.
|
||||
|
||||
I would like to thank The Cloak for his
|
||||
helpful contributions and input.
|
||||
|
||||
***************************************
|
||||
* *
|
||||
* TELEMATION 914-362-1422 *
|
||||
* THE CRUSIFICTION 914-429-5616 *
|
||||
* CASTLE BRASS 415-345-2134 *
|
||||
* *
|
||||
***************************************
|
||||
|
||||
**************
|
||||
* *
|
||||
* TELEMATION 914-362-1422 *
|
||||
* THE CRUSIFICTION 914-429-5616 *
|
||||
* CASTLE BRASS 415-345-2134 *
|
||||
* vFCzrpKh(>IC:p~A >KgJVv@ke:^~&('Kp
|
||||
|
||||
206
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpira.hum
Normal file
206
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpira.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,206 @@
|
||||
[/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\]
|
||||
[\] [/]
|
||||
[/] THE REAL PIRATE'S GUIDE [\]
|
||||
[\] [/]
|
||||
[/] COMPILED BY [\]
|
||||
[\] RABID RASTA [/]
|
||||
[/] [\]
|
||||
[\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/]
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
[SIMULATION]
|
||||
|
||||
FROM-> JHONNY THE AVENGER
|
||||
DATE-> SAT AUG 4 10:21 PM
|
||||
|
||||
I SAW YOUR MESSAGE ON THE PIRATE BOARD ABOUT YOU HAVEING SIDE 2 OF SUMMER GAM
|
||||
ES!MY CONNECTIONS MR.ZEROX AND CHEIF S URGEN BLACK BAG ARE'NT AROUND TO MAIL IT
|
||||
2 ME SO WANNA DO SOME SERIUS TRADEI NG?I HAVE GRAFORTH ,CHOPLIFTER ,MARS CARS
|
||||
,DISK MUNCHER AND SOME K00L OTHER
|
||||
|
||||
STUFF AND GAMES.CALL ME AT 312-323- 3741.IF YOU NEED PHREAK CODES I HAVE THEM
|
||||
TO AND BOX PLANS.BYE
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
*** ***** **
|
||||
* * * *
|
||||
* * * ******
|
||||
** HONNY * HE * * VENGER
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
*THE KNIGHTS OF MYSTERIOUS KEYBOARDS*!
|
||||
|
||||
THE AWESOMEST HACK GROUP IN TOWN
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
IS THE AUTHOR OF THE ABOVE MESSAGE A TRUE PIRATE? SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME
|
||||
THERE HAS BEEN AN IMPLICIT CODE OF ETIQUETTE GOVERNING THE ACTIONS OF SOFTWARE
|
||||
PIRATES, BUT AS MANY OF YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED AS OF LATE, THAT CODE HAS BEEN
|
||||
KNOCKED AROUND A BIT. ALTHOUGH IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO DIFFERENTIATE A TRUE
|
||||
PIRATE FROM ONE OF THESE POOR IMI TATIONS, I BELIEVE THAT, WITH THE NUM- BER OF
|
||||
TRUE PIRATES DECREASING AT SUCH AN ALARMING RATE, THIS CODE SHOULD BE SET
|
||||
STRAIGHT. AFTER ALL, ALTHOUGH "JHONNY" IS ADMITTEDLY A MORON, IT'S NOT HIS
|
||||
FAULT THAT HE NEVER RECEIVED PROPER GUIDANCE.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
ONE OF THE FIRST AND FOREMOST RULES OF PIRACY: REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS
|
||||
OLD! EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE ARE EX- TREMELY RARE AT BEST.
|
||||
|
||||
COROLLARY: YOU NEVER HAVE TO WONDER WHO BREEDED MICKEY MOUSE WITH A 2600 HZ
|
||||
TONE TO PRODUCE A REAL PIRATE'S VOICE.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
ALIASES
|
||||
-------
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES ARE MORE IMAGINATIVE THAN TO USE THE WORD "COPY" IN THEIR ALIAS.
|
||||
|
||||
COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES AREN'T NAMED "MR. COPY" BECAUSE REAL PIRATES DON'T
|
||||
BRAG ABOUT CRACKING DUNG BEETLES.
|
||||
|
||||
THE WORD "CRACK" (OR "KRACK") IS FOUND NOWHERE IN A REAL PIRATE'S NAME...UN-
|
||||
LESS HE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES' ALIASES DON'T SOUND AS IF THEY WERE EXTRACTED FROM THE LYRICS OF
|
||||
AN OZZY OZBOURNE SONG (I.E. PROVISIONER OF SATAN, BLACK AVENGER, DARK PHANTOM,
|
||||
ETC.).
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES DON'T NAME THEMSELVES AF- TER HEAVY METAL GROUPS.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES, IF NAMED AFTER SOME AS- PECT OF PIRATE LEGEND (I.E. JOLLY ROGER,
|
||||
CAPTAIN HOOK, EYE PATCH, ETC.) DON'T SAY, "AVAST YE SCURVY DOGS," OR ANYTHING
|
||||
OF THE LIKE.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES' NAMES AREN'T PARODIES OF OTHER REPUTABLE PIRATES (I.E. RESIDENT
|
||||
OF LAVENDER BAG, MR. PAC MAN, FRANKLIN BANDIT, ETC.).
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES DON'T NAME THEMSELVES AF- TER ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES (I.E. JACK
|
||||
DANIELS, HARVEY WALLBANGER, JIM BEAM, ETC.) ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'VE NEVER HAD
|
||||
ONE.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES SPELL THEIR ALIASES COR- RECTLY (UNLIKE "THE POENIX").
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES AREN'T NAMED SAM HOUSTON, SIR SPANKY, THE GAMEMASTER, LORD FAGEN,
|
||||
NIKKI SIX, (INSERT YOUR OWN LOSERS HERE), OR MR. COPY.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
WARES
|
||||
-----
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES WOULD NEVER THINK OF DE- LETING "SABOTAGE". IT'S TOO MUCH FUN
|
||||
IMAGINING THOSE LITTLE MEN ARE ACTUAL- LY SIR KNIGHT.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES PLAY "BILESTOAD".
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES HAVE LONG SINCE DELETED "SNEAKERS", "E.T.", "ALIEN MUNCHIES", "BUG
|
||||
BATTLE", "SNACK ATTACK", AND EVERYTHING FROM SSI, AVALON HILL, AND SCOTT ADAMS.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES UPLOAD. THEY REALIZE THAT LEECHING IS THE #2 SIN (BEHIND, OF
|
||||
COURSE, BEING 13 YEARS OLD).
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES REALIZE THAT PENGUIN AREN'T REALLY "THE GRAPHICS PEOPLE".
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES FEEL GUILTY WHEN PIRATING BEAGLE BROTHERS. OF COURSE, THAT NEVER
|
||||
STOPS THEM.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES DON'T BELIEVE THE MORONS WHO SAY THEY HAVE ULTIMA IV AND POLE
|
||||
POSITION.
|
||||
|
||||
COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES REALIZE THAT THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FORMULA I
|
||||
RACER AND POLE POSITION.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
BOARDS
|
||||
------
|
||||
REAL PIRATES AREN'T THE FIFTH TO POST THE SAME "I HAVE..." MESSAGE.
|
||||
|
||||
CORROLARY: REAL PIRATES DON'T POST "I HAVE..." MESSAGES WHEN THEY REALLY DON'T
|
||||
HAVE.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES DON'T DOWNLOAD PROGRAMS FROM PUBLIC AE'S AND THEN POST "I KNOW
|
||||
IT'S OLD, BUT I HAVE...TOO" MESSAGES ON PIRATE BOARDS.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES DON'T POST THEIR HIGH SCORES.
|
||||
|
||||
COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES DON'T KEEP SCORE.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES DON'T SAY "K-K00L", "K-AWESOME", "X10DER", "L8R0N", OR ANYTHING OF
|
||||
THE SORT.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BE- TWEEN "F" AND "PH" (I.E. "PHILES",
|
||||
"PHUCK", "FONE", ETC.).
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES DON'T WASTE EVERYONE'S TIME BACKSPACING OVER THEIR ALIAS 50 TIMES.
|
||||
|
||||
COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES DON'T USE BACKSPACING IN FEEDBACK TO SYSOPS. (SYSOPS
|
||||
DON'T READ FEEDBACK AT 300 BAUD)
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES NEVER USE TEXT GRAPHICS IN THEIR MESSAGES.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CURSE BBS'S "K-K00L M0DS".
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES DON'T SEARCH FOR NEW WAYS TO SPELL "WARES".
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES DON'T USE THE LAST 5 LINES OF THEIR MESSAGES BRAGGING ABOUT THE 8
|
||||
MEANINGLESS ORGANIZATIONS THAT THEY BELONG TO.
|
||||
|
||||
COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES DON'T BELONG TO SWAPP, DOS/NPG, OR NASCOMP.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES WHO ARE GBBS SYSOPS ARE PROUD TO HAVE STOLEN FROM GREG SCHAEFER.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES ARE SATISFIED WITH ONE EXCLAMATION POINT.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES DON'T CALL DIAL-YOUR- MATCH.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES NEVER GET INTO "BITCH WARS" UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY ARE GRINDING
|
||||
SOME 13 YEAR OLD TI USER INTO THE DUST.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
TRANSFERS
|
||||
---------
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES DON'T DFX.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES NO LONGER BUY MICROMODEM II'S, SSM MODEMCARDS, OR NETWORKER
|
||||
MODEMS.
|
||||
|
||||
COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES BUY APPLE CATS.
|
||||
|
||||
COROLLARY TO THE COROLLARY: REAL PI- RATES ACCEPT THE REALITY THAT 300 BAUD IS
|
||||
DEAD.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES AREN'T AROUND TO TRADE ON FRIDAY OR SATURDAY NIGHTS.
|
||||
|
||||
COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES HAVEN'T WATCHED LOVE BOAT SINCE THEY WERE 13.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES TYPE "BRUN AE" WITHOUT THE SPACEBAR IN BETWEEN.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PIRATES CAN GET DISKFER/CATSEND TO WORK RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
CONCLUSION
|
||||
----------
|
||||
|
||||
THAT'S IT...FOR NOW. SINCE LOSERS IN- VENT NEW WAYS TO BE LOSERS EVERY DAY,
|
||||
EXPECT A "REAL PIRATE'S GUIDE, VOLUME 2" VERY SOON.
|
||||
|
||||
IF ANY OF YOU WERE TERRIBLY OFFENDED BY ANYTHING IN THIS FILE, THAT'S YOUR CLUE
|
||||
TO RETIRE FROM THE PIRATE WORLD. AFTER ALL, REAL PIRATES DON'T GET OFFENDED BY
|
||||
THINGS WRITTEN IN TEXTFILES.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
THANKS TO THE FOLLOWING FOR THEIR CONTRIBUTIONS TO THIS FILE:
|
||||
|
||||
OTTO SHINEFLUG, CTRL RESET, BIT O'NASTY, LORD CHAOS, NILONIEL I, AND WHATEVER
|
||||
CON MAN CALLS HIMSELF OUT OF STATE.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
(C)1984 RABID RASTA;
|
||||
UBANGI JUNGLE PUBLISHING
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
77
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realprgr.txt
Normal file
77
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realprgr.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,77 @@
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Subject: Real Programmers
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming
|
||||
is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained.
|
||||
They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise
|
||||
clear desk.
|
||||
Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make schedules.
|
||||
Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet
|
||||
schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.
|
||||
Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
|
||||
sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they
|
||||
don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
|
||||
Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write,
|
||||
it should be hard to understand.
|
||||
Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read
|
||||
the listings or object deck.
|
||||
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Cavemen drew flowcharts and look
|
||||
how much good it did them.
|
||||
Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't know how
|
||||
to spell quiche. They eat twinkles and szechuan food.
|
||||
Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport that requires you
|
||||
to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear
|
||||
their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up
|
||||
in the middle of the machine room.
|
||||
Real programmers don't write application programs. They program right down
|
||||
to the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do
|
||||
system programming.
|
||||
Real programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be
|
||||
written on one line.
|
||||
Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in
|
||||
BASIC, after the age of 12.
|
||||
Real programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications
|
||||
programmers.
|
||||
Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe-stress freaks
|
||||
and crystallography weenies.
|
||||
Real programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more
|
||||
parenthesis than actual code.
|
||||
Real programmers don't write in PASCAL or BLISS or ADA, or any of those
|
||||
pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with
|
||||
weak memories.
|
||||
Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for programmers who can't
|
||||
decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
|
||||
Real programmers don't write in "C". There has to be something wrong
|
||||
with a language who's next generation gets a low grade then its prior.
|
||||
Real programmers write in the machine's native binary code, ASM macros are
|
||||
those who can't divide HEX numbers in their head.
|
||||
Real programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves lucky
|
||||
to get any programs at all and take what they get.
|
||||
Real programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the
|
||||
microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat from the CPU. They can
|
||||
tell which jobs are running from the rate of popping.
|
||||
Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at
|
||||
9am, it's because they were up all night.
|
||||
Real programmers scorn floating-point arithmetic. The decimal point was
|
||||
invented for pansy bed wetters who are unable to think big.
|
||||
Real programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw
|
||||
them on the machine, they can be patched into working in `only a few'
|
||||
30-hour debugging sessions.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
.....Cheers,
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Programmer Defined: Programmer n. 1. One who claims or appears to be engaged
|
||||
in the perpetration of programs. 2. The systems analyst's diplomatic attache
|
||||
at the alien court of the CPU. 3. One engaged in a practical, nonsystematic
|
||||
study of the halting problem. 4. "A harmless druge."-Lord Bowden, 1953.
|
||||
|
||||
That ought to clear things up.....
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
155
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpro.hum
Normal file
155
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realpro.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,155 @@
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers Don't Use Fortran, Either!
|
||||
|
||||
A recent article devoted to the *macho* side of programming ("Real
|
||||
Programmers Don't Use Pascal," by ucbvax!G:tut) made the bald and unvarnished
|
||||
statement
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers write in Fortran.
|
||||
|
||||
Maybe they do now, in this decadent era of Lite beer, hand calculators and
|
||||
"user-friendly" software, but back in the Good Old Days, when the term
|
||||
"software" sounded funny and Real Computers were made out of drums and vacuum
|
||||
tubes, Real Programmers wrote in machine code.
|
||||
|
||||
Not Fortran. Not RATFOR. Not, even, assembly language. Machine Code.
|
||||
Raw, unadorned, inscrutable hexadecimal numbers. Directly.
|
||||
|
||||
Lest a hloe new generation of programmers grow up in ignorance of this
|
||||
glorious past, I feel duty-bound to describe, as best I can through the
|
||||
generation gap, how a Real Programmer wrote code. I'll call him Mel, because
|
||||
that was his name.
|
||||
|
||||
I first met Mel when I went to work for Royal McBee Computer Corp., a
|
||||
now-defunct subsidiary of the typewriter company. The firm manufactured the
|
||||
LGP-30, a small, cheap (by the standards of the day) drum-memory computer, and
|
||||
had just started to manufacture the RPC-4000, a much-improved, bigger, better,
|
||||
faster -- drum-memory computer. Cores cost too much, and weren't here to stay,
|
||||
anyway. (That's why you haven't heard of the company, or the computer.)
|
||||
|
||||
I had been hired to write a Fortran compiler for this new marvel and Mel was
|
||||
my guide to its wonders. Mel didn't approve of compilers. "If a program can't
|
||||
rewrite its own code," he asked, "what good is it?"
|
||||
|
||||
Mel had written, in hexadecimal, the most popular computer program the
|
||||
company owned. It ran on the LGP-30 and played blackjack with potential
|
||||
customers at computer shows. Its effect was always dramatic. The LGP-30 booth
|
||||
was packed at every show, and the IBM salesmen stood around talking to each
|
||||
other. Whether or not this actually sold computers was a question we never
|
||||
discussed.
|
||||
|
||||
Mel's job was to re-write the blackjack program for the RPC-4000. (Port?
|
||||
What does that mean?) The new computer had a one-plus-one addressing scheme, in
|
||||
which each machine instruction, in addition to the operation code and the
|
||||
address of the needed operand, had a second address that indicated where, on
|
||||
the revolving drum, the next instruction was located. In modern parlance,
|
||||
every single instruction was followed by a GO TO!
|
||||
|
||||
Put *that* in Pascal's pipe and smoke it.
|
||||
|
||||
Mel loved the RPC-4000 because he could optimize his code: that is, locate
|
||||
instructions on the drum so that just as one finished its job, the next would
|
||||
be just arriving at the "read head" and available for immediate execution.
|
||||
There was a program to do that job, an "optimizing assembler," but Mel refused
|
||||
to use it. "You never know where its going to put things," he explained, "so
|
||||
you'd have to use separate constants."
|
||||
|
||||
It was a long time before I understood that remark. Since Mel knew the
|
||||
numerical value of every operation code, and assigned his own drum addresses,
|
||||
every instruction he wrote could also be considered a numerical constant. He
|
||||
could pick up an earlier "add" instruction, say, and multiply by it, if it had
|
||||
the right numeric value.
|
||||
|
||||
His code was not easy for someone else to modify.
|
||||
|
||||
I compared Mel's hand-optimized programs with the same code massaged by the
|
||||
optimizing assembly program, and Mel's always ran faster. That was because the
|
||||
"top-down" method of program design hadn't been invented yyt, and Mel wouldn't
|
||||
have used it anyway. He wrote the innermost parts of his program loops first,
|
||||
so they would get first choice of the optimum address locations on the drum.
|
||||
The optimizing assembler wasn't smart enough to do it that way.
|
||||
|
||||
Mel never wrote time-delay loops, either, even when the balky Flexowriter
|
||||
required a delay between output characters to work right. He just located
|
||||
instructions on the drum so each successive one was just *past* the read heaa
|
||||
when it was needed; the drum had to execute another complete revolution to find
|
||||
the next instruction. He coined an unforgettable term for this procedure.
|
||||
Although "optimum" is an absolute term, like "unique", it became common verbal
|
||||
practice to make it relative: "not quite optimum" or "less optimum" or "not
|
||||
very optimum." Mel called the maximum time-delay locations the "most pessimum."
|
||||
|
||||
After he finished the blackjack program and got it to run, ("Even the
|
||||
initializer is optimized," he said proudly) he got a Change Request from the
|
||||
sales department. The program used an elegant (optimized) random number
|
||||
generator to shuffle the "cards" and deal from the "deck," and some of the
|
||||
salesmen felt it was too fair, since sometimes the customers lost. They wanted
|
||||
Mel to modify the program so, at the setting of a sense switch on the console,
|
||||
they could change the odds and let the customer win.
|
||||
|
||||
Mel balked. He felt this was patently dishonest, which ii was, and that it
|
||||
impinged on his personal integrity as a programmer, which it did, so he refused
|
||||
to do it.
|
||||
|
||||
The Head Salesman talked to Mel, as did the Big Boss and, at the boss's
|
||||
urging, a few Fellow Programmers. Mel finally gave in and wrote the code, but
|
||||
he got the test backwards and, when the sense switch was turned on, the program
|
||||
would cheat, winning every time. Mel was delighted with this, claiming his
|
||||
subconscious was uncontrollably ethical, and adamantly refused to fix it.
|
||||
|
||||
After Mel had left the company for greener pa$ture$, the Big Boss asked me
|
||||
to look at the code and see if I could find the test and reverse it. Somewhat
|
||||
reluctantly, I agreed to look. Tracking Mel's code was a real adventure.
|
||||
|
||||
I have often felt that programming is an art form, whose real value can only
|
||||
be appreciated by another versed in the same arcane art; there are lovely gems
|
||||
and brilliant coups hidden from human view and admiration, sometimes forever,
|
||||
by the very nature of the process. You can learn a lot about an individual
|
||||
just by reading through his code, even in hexadecimal. Mel was, I think, an
|
||||
unsung genius.
|
||||
|
||||
Perhaps my greatest shock came when I found an innocent loop that had no
|
||||
test in it. No test. *None*. Common sense said it had to be a closed loop,
|
||||
where the program would circle, forever, endlessly. Program control passed
|
||||
right through it, however, and safely out the other side. It took me two weeks
|
||||
to figure it out.
|
||||
|
||||
The RPC-4000 computer had a really modern facility called an index register.
|
||||
It allowed the programmer to write a program loop that used an indexed
|
||||
instruction inside; each time through, the number in the index register was
|
||||
added to the address of that instruction, so it would refer to the next datum
|
||||
in a series. He had only to increment the index register each time through.
|
||||
|
||||
Mel never used it.
|
||||
|
||||
Instead, he would pull the instruction into a machine register, add one to
|
||||
its address, and store it back. He would then execute the modified instruction
|
||||
right from the register. The loop was written so this additional execution
|
||||
time was taken into account -- just as this instruction finished, the next one
|
||||
was right under the drum's read head, ready to go.
|
||||
|
||||
But the loop had no test in it.
|
||||
|
||||
The vital clue came when I noticed the index register bit, the bit that lay
|
||||
between the address and the operation code in the instruction word, was turned
|
||||
on -- yet Mel never used the index register, leaving it zero all the time.
|
||||
When the light went on it nearly blinded me.
|
||||
|
||||
He had located the data he was working on near the top of memory -- the
|
||||
largest locations the instructions could address -- so, after the last datum
|
||||
was handled, incrementing the instruction address would make it overflow. The
|
||||
carry would add one to the operation code, changing it to the next one in the
|
||||
instruction set: a jump instruction. Sure enough, the next program
|
||||
instruction was in address location zero, and the program went happily on its
|
||||
way.
|
||||
|
||||
I haven't kept in touch with Mel, so I don't know if he ever gave in to the
|
||||
flood of change that has washed over programming techniques since those
|
||||
long-goneedays. I like to think he didn't. In any event, I was impressed
|
||||
enough that I quit looking for the offending test, telling the Big Boss I
|
||||
couldn't find it. He didn't seem surprised. When I left the company, the
|
||||
blackjack program would still cheat if you turned on the right sense switch,
|
||||
and I think that's how it should be. I didn't feel comfortable hacking up the
|
||||
code of a Real Programmer.
|
||||
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
61
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realprog.txt
Normal file
61
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realprog.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,61 @@
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE SPEC -- USERS SHOULD CONSIDER
|
||||
THEMSELVES LUCKY TO GET ANY PROGRAMS AT ALL AND TAKE WHAT THEY GET.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T COMMENT THEIR CODE. IF IT WAS HARD TO WRITE,
|
||||
IT SHOULD BE HARD TO READ.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE APPLICATION PROGRAMS, THEY PROGRAM
|
||||
RIGHT DOWN ON THE BARE METAL. APPLICATION PROGRAMMING IS FOR FEEBS
|
||||
WHO CAN'T DO SYSTEM PROGRAMMING.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T EAT QUICHE. THEY EAT TWINKIES, AND SZECHWAN
|
||||
FOOD.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN COBOL. COBOL IS FOR WIMPY
|
||||
APPLICATION PROGRAMMERS.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS PROGRAMS NEVER WORK RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. BUT IF
|
||||
YOU THROW THEM ON THE MACHINE THEY CAN BE PATCHED INTO WORKING ONLY
|
||||
A FEW 30-HOUR DEBUGGING SESSIONS.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN FORTRAN. FORTRAN IS FOR PIPE STRESS
|
||||
FREAKS AND CRYSTALLOGRAPHY WEENIES.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS NEVER WORK 0 TO 5. IF ANY REAL PROGRAMMERS ARE
|
||||
AROUND AT 9 AM, IT'S BECAUSE THEY WERE UP ALL NIGHT.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN BASIC. ACTUALLY, NO PROGRAMMERS
|
||||
WRITE IN BASIC, AFTER THE AGE OF 12.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN PL/I. PL/I IS FOR PROGRAMMERS WHO
|
||||
CAN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO WRITE IN COBOL OR FORTRAN.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN APL. ANY FOOL CAN BE OBSCURE IN APL.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T PLAY TENNIS, OR ANY OTHER SPORT THAT REQUIRES
|
||||
YOU TO CHANGE CLOTHES. MOUNTING CLIMBING IS OK, AND REAL PROGRAMMERS
|
||||
WEAR THEIR CLIMBING BOOTS TO WORK IN CASE A MOUNTAIN SHOULD SUDDENLY
|
||||
SPRING UP IN THEN MIDDLE OF THEN MACHINE ROOM.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T DOCUMENT. DOCUMENTATION IS FOR SIMPS WHO CAN'T
|
||||
READ THE LISTINGS OR THEN OBJECT DECK.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN PASCAL, OR BLISS, OR ADA, OR ANY OF
|
||||
THOSE PINKO COMPUTER SCIENCE LANGUAGES. STRONG TYPING IS FOR PEOPLE
|
||||
WITH WEAK MEMORIES.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS KNOW BETTER THAN THE USERS WHAT THEY NEED.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS THINK STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING IS A COMMUNIST PLOT.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T USE SCHEDULES. SCHEDULES ARE FOR MANAGER'S
|
||||
TOADIES. REAL PROGRAMMERS LIKE TO KEEP THEIR MANAGERS IN SUSPENSE.
|
||||
|
||||
REAL PROGRAMMERS THINK BETTER WHEN PLAYING ADVENTURE.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
101
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realrokr.txt
Normal file
101
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realrokr.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,101 @@
|
||||
|
||||
**************************************
|
||||
**************************************
|
||||
** **
|
||||
** A Real Rocker's Guide **
|
||||
** by **
|
||||
** The Rocker **
|
||||
** of Beautiful California **
|
||||
** (the Va. one sux!) **
|
||||
** **
|
||||
**************************************
|
||||
**************************************
|
||||
|
||||
RE-WRITTEN ON SUNDAY, JULY 14, A REAL
|
||||
HOT AND SUNNY DAY!
|
||||
|
||||
This text file is dedicated to all
|
||||
the Bay Area rocker's. Keep rockin'
|
||||
'till whiplash. Headbang forever.
|
||||
|
||||
SEE YOU AT PRIEST '85'-'86' -TRR
|
||||
|
||||
**************************************
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's never make friends
|
||||
with new waver's.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's always wear rock T's.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's don't go to Depeche
|
||||
Mode concerts.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's don't like satan.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's never listened to
|
||||
Michael Jackson when they were 10.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's don't wear studs, only
|
||||
spikes.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's plaster their room with
|
||||
pictures from Randy Rhoads to Maiden.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's never miss Circus,
|
||||
Hit Parader, or Metal-rock&roll.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's have gone to hell of
|
||||
concerts and always get drunk or
|
||||
stoned.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's know that OZZY is and
|
||||
always will be, KING OF HEAVY METAL.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's never turn down a good
|
||||
fuck.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's don't buy pot, they
|
||||
grow it.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's bought Accept's METAL
|
||||
HEART when it first came out.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's love to trip on EDDIE
|
||||
of IRON MAIDEN.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's know that TWISTED
|
||||
SISTER kicks ass.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's are stong as hell.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's Headbang with Metallica.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's have always been a
|
||||
Maiden fan.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's didn't miss the chance
|
||||
TO SEE A METALFEST!
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's hate the way punkers
|
||||
look.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's are true thrashers.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Rocker's kick ass.
|
||||
|
||||
**************************************
|
||||
Here's a dedication to new wavers..
|
||||
|
||||
May a loud HEAVY METAL be blown
|
||||
u p y o u r a s s!
|
||||
|
||||
**************************************
|
||||
TRR
|
||||
HAO
|
||||
EDC
|
||||
IK
|
||||
CE
|
||||
AR
|
||||
L KICKS ASS.......
|
||||
|
||||
(C) TRR
|
||||
72
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realscie.hum
Normal file
72
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realscie.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,72 @@
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists Don't Write Code
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
|
||||
'programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count (and
|
||||
rarely count accurately; precision is for applications.)
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are so long
|
||||
they can't afford the disk space.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists don't write the user interfaces, they merely argue over
|
||||
what they should look like.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists don't eat quiche. They shun Schezuan food since the
|
||||
hackers discovered it. Many real computer scientists consider eating an
|
||||
implementation detail. (Others break down and eat with the hackers, but only if
|
||||
they can have ice cream for desert.)
|
||||
|
||||
If it doesn't have a programming environment complete with interactive debugger,
|
||||
structure editor and extensive cross module type checking, real computer
|
||||
scientists won't be seen tinkering with it. They may have to use it to balance
|
||||
their checkbooks, as their own systems can't.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write in
|
||||
anything less portable than a number two pencil.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists don't debug programs, they dynamically modify them.
|
||||
This is safer, since no one has invented a way to do anything dynamic to
|
||||
FORTRAN, COBOL or BASIC.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious
|
||||
of it because its compiled. (Only Batch freaks and efficiency weirdos bother
|
||||
with compilers, they're soooo un-dynamic.)
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists play go. They have nothing against the concept of
|
||||
mountain climbing, but the actual climbing is an implementation detail best left
|
||||
to programmers.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value, but
|
||||
they find it difficult to actually program in, as it is much too large to
|
||||
implement. Most Computer scientists don't notice this because they are still
|
||||
arguing over what else to add to ADA.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists work from 5 pm to 9 am because that's the only time
|
||||
they can get the 8 megabytes of main memory they need to edit specs. (Real work
|
||||
starts around 2 am when enough MIPS are free for their dynamic systems.) Real
|
||||
computer scientists find it hard to share 3081s when they are doing 'REAL' work.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on future
|
||||
hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens will ever
|
||||
be able to fit on a single planet.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists like planning their own environments to use bit mapped
|
||||
graphics. Bit mapped graphics is great because no one can afford it, so their
|
||||
systems can be experimental.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists regret the existence of PL/I, PASCAL and LISP. ADA is
|
||||
getting there, but it is still allows people to make mistakes.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists love the concept of users. Users are always real
|
||||
impressed by the stuff computer scientists are talking about; it sure sounds
|
||||
better than the stuff they are being forced to use now.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
|
||||
limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are so
|
||||
poor at I/O.
|
||||
|
||||
Real computer scientists love conventions. No one is expected to lug a 3081
|
||||
attached to a bit map screen to a convention, so no one will ever know how slow
|
||||
their systems run.
|
||||
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
70
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsoft.hum
Normal file
70
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsoft.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,70 @@
|
||||
Real Software Engineers Don't Read Dumps
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the
|
||||
rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so
|
||||
mnemonic they don't have to.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement
|
||||
algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with,
|
||||
that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers eat quiche.
|
||||
|
||||
If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't
|
||||
program in it.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the
|
||||
very thought.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This
|
||||
process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except
|
||||
perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious
|
||||
of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine."
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't like any sport that
|
||||
involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower. (Thus
|
||||
mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their tennis togs
|
||||
to work, but only on very sunny days.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but
|
||||
they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to their
|
||||
friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is
|
||||
described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an
|
||||
undocumented external procedure.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been
|
||||
implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is
|
||||
available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into
|
||||
account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have
|
||||
not quite decided on a formal spec yet.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in PROLOG
|
||||
(they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns out to be
|
||||
difficult to actually RUN these).
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. PL/1
|
||||
is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much built in
|
||||
function.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users, either.
|
||||
Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation and
|
||||
verification of algorithms is all about.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy
|
||||
hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a
|
||||
great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at ALL
|
||||
levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip
|
||||
over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8
|
||||
megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages.
|
||||
|
||||
Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF.
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
233
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsoft.txt
Normal file
233
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsoft.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,233 @@
|
||||
What is a Real Software Engineer?
|
||||
(Downloaded from The Cave, Wgtn.)
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers Don't Read Dumps
|
||||
----------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on
|
||||
the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so
|
||||
mnemonic tat they don't have to
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers don't write applications programs; they implement
|
||||
algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help
|
||||
with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers don't eat quiche
|
||||
|
||||
If it doesn't have recursive function calls, Real Software Engineers don't
|
||||
program in it
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers don't program in assembler
|
||||
They become queasy at the very thought
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers don't debug programs; they verify correctness. This
|
||||
process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except
|
||||
perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid program
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are
|
||||
suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the
|
||||
machine"
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers don't play tennis. In general, they don't like any
|
||||
sport that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a
|
||||
shower. (Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear
|
||||
their tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity,
|
||||
but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to
|
||||
their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow
|
||||
unworthy
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers don't write in languages that have not actually been
|
||||
implemented for any machine and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is
|
||||
available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into
|
||||
account. Machine dependencies make Real Software Engineers very uneasy
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have
|
||||
not quite decided on a formal spec yet
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers like writing their own compilers, preferaby in
|
||||
PROLOG. (They also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it
|
||||
turns out to be difficult to actually RUN these)
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN, and BASIC.
|
||||
PL/1 is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough - far too much
|
||||
built in functions
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users,
|
||||
either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the
|
||||
implementation and verification of algorithms is all about
|
||||
|
||||
Real Software Engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy
|
||||
hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have
|
||||
a great distrust of hardware people and wish that systems could be virtual at
|
||||
ALL levels. They would like personal computers except that they need 8
|
||||
megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers Don't Write Specs
|
||||
----------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves lucky
|
||||
to get any programs at all and take what they get
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it
|
||||
should be hard to understand
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications
|
||||
programmers
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw
|
||||
them on the machine, they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour
|
||||
debugging sessions
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks
|
||||
and crystallography weenies
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at
|
||||
9AM, it's because they were up all night
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in
|
||||
BASIC, after the age of 12
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for programmers who can't
|
||||
decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to
|
||||
change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers wear their
|
||||
climbing boots to work, in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the
|
||||
middle of the machine room
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read
|
||||
the listings or the object deck
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those
|
||||
pinko computer science languages.
|
||||
Strong typing is for people with weak memories
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers can recite powers of 16 up to infinity, write language
|
||||
translators in SNOBOL to produce COBOL source code, use FORTRAN only for
|
||||
tricky little programs, never drink lager, never drink decaffelnated coffee,
|
||||
never smoke low-tar cigarettes
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers explain their work (if ever) to their managers in baby-talk
|
||||
so they will understand it
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't talk to support center 2nd level people. (Their
|
||||
working hours are mutually exclusive)
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers start assembly of the whole system at 9AM at high priority
|
||||
so it will be finished by their evening stand-alone time
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't write in APL
|
||||
Any fool can be obscure in APL
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers think structured programming is a Communist plot
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers don't use schedules
|
||||
Schedules are for managers toadies
|
||||
Real Programmers like to keep their man suspense
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers do it middle out
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers enjoy getting CP/M to work on 370 machines and MVS on their
|
||||
ZX81s
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers write their own assemblers, preferably in LISP
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers know that good human factors design requires only the
|
||||
application of common sense. Besides, no one cares about users. Programs
|
||||
are written for aesthetic beauty
|
||||
|
||||
Real Programmers do not wonder where the bits went following a shift
|
||||
operation. They do not care
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists Don't Write Specs
|
||||
------------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
|
||||
"programming systems", but those are so high level that they hardly count,
|
||||
and rarely count accurately. (Precision is for applications)
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are so
|
||||
long they can't afford the disk space
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists don't write the user interfaces; they merely argue
|
||||
over what they should look like
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists don't eat quiche. They shun Szechwan food since the
|
||||
hackers discovered it. Many Real Computer Scientists consider eating an
|
||||
implemenation detail
|
||||
|
||||
If it doesn't have a programming environment complete with interface
|
||||
debugger, structure editor, and extensive cross-module checking, Real
|
||||
Computer Scientists won't be seen tinkering with it. They may have to use it
|
||||
to balance their checkbooks, as their own systems can't
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write in
|
||||
anything less portable than a Number Two pencil
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists don't debug programs; they dynamically modify them.
|
||||
This is safer, since no one has invented a way to do anything dynamic
|
||||
to FORTRAN, COBOL, or BASIC
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists like C's structured constructs, but they are
|
||||
suspicious of it because it is compiled. (Only batch freaks and efficiency
|
||||
weirdos bother with compilers)
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists play Go. They have nothing against the concept of
|
||||
mountain climbing, but the actual climbing is an implementation detail best
|
||||
left to programmers
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value, but
|
||||
they find it difficult to actually program in, as it is much too large to
|
||||
implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are still
|
||||
arguing over what else to add to ADA
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists work from 5pm to 9am because that's the only time
|
||||
they can get the 8 megabytes of main memory they need to edit specs. (Real
|
||||
work starts around 2am when enough MIPS are free for their dynamic systems.)
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists find it hard to share 3081s when they are doing
|
||||
"real" work
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
|
||||
future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
|
||||
will ever be able to fit on a single planet
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists like planning their own environments to use
|
||||
bit-mapped graphics. Bit-mapped graphics is great because no one can afford
|
||||
it, so their systems can be experimental
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists regret the existence of PL/1, PASCAL, and LISP. ADA
|
||||
is getting there, but it still allows people to make mistakes
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists love the concept of users. Users are always real
|
||||
impressed by the stuff computer scientists are talking about; it sure sounds
|
||||
better than the stuff they are being forced to use now
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
|
||||
limitations; software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are so
|
||||
poor at I/O
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists love conventions. No one is expected to lug a 3081
|
||||
attached to a bit-map screen to a convention, so no one will ever know how
|
||||
slow their system runs
|
||||
|
||||
Real Computer Scientists don't run IBM hardware. If someone will fix it when
|
||||
it breaks, it's not spacey enough
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Real users Don't
|
||||
----------------
|
||||
|
||||
Real Users don't define requirements...
|
||||
...If these computer folks are so smart, they should KNOW what we want
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
114
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsurf.txt
Normal file
114
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsurf.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,114 @@
|
||||
|
||||
_______ _____ _____
|
||||
/ / / / > / / /\ / '
|
||||
/______ / / /_____/ /__ / / \ /
|
||||
\ / / / \ / / / \ /
|
||||
_________><_______/ / \ / / / \/
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
From --
|
||||
|
||||
<The Restaurant at the End of the Universe 609/921-1994 10 Megs/1200/2400>
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
How to spot a REAL surfer
|
||||
--- -- ---- - ==== ------
|
||||
|
||||
Written by The Phantom Account
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
-written by a surfer-
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
__________________________________________
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
First of all, I am a surfer and hang out
|
||||
at the beach all the tyme! I have a FOX
|
||||
WATER WEAPON and a QUICK SILVER surf
|
||||
board.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers are at the beach every day
|
||||
they can get there.
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers have girlfriend(s).
|
||||
|
||||
A typical Real surfer favorite line
|
||||
is "Lifes a beach".
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers have surfboards!
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers, most of them, have
|
||||
skate boards or want to get one.
|
||||
Usually they are Vision, Madrid,
|
||||
Santa Cruz or Valterra, but not
|
||||
always.
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers dont want plublicity. Or
|
||||
plublicity of where they surf.
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers want to travel the world
|
||||
and surf ever were there is a swell.
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers know what a swell is!
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers have the most recent
|
||||
surfing magazine there is.
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers have wax at all times "
|
||||
Mr. Zoggs Sex Wax"
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers still have the board they
|
||||
started with.
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers love to get buzzed!
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers watched Fast Times At
|
||||
Rigmount High, Back to the Future,
|
||||
and Teen Wolf.
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers dont care if they wipe
|
||||
out.
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers dont have nightmares about
|
||||
a giant wave comming up and killing
|
||||
them. I did when i first started out.
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers always wear a Gotcha, Hobie,
|
||||
Jimmy'z, JAMS or other name-brand
|
||||
surf/skate clothes.
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers dont care what other
|
||||
people think about how they ride waves.
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers listen to surf music, like
|
||||
the Beach Boys, the Surfaris, the
|
||||
Ventures and the Belairs.
|
||||
|
||||
If a Real surfer had a guitar, it'd be
|
||||
a Fender Stratocaster.
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers dream about one day
|
||||
catching that perfect wave out there.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Real surfers dont >only< live on the
|
||||
west coast or any coast. But most of
|
||||
them do.
|
||||
|
||||
Well i enjoyed writting this and hope
|
||||
you enjoyed reading it.
|
||||
|
||||
This has been written for The Bad Boys
|
||||
by the leader of the club.
|
||||
|
||||
Call--Powerstaion )(--305-871-1461
|
||||
---------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
38
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsys.txt
Normal file
38
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realsys.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,38 @@
|
||||
I have an amusing text file that reminds me of about 2/3 of the sysops in my
|
||||
area:
|
||||
REAL SYSOPS DON'T EAT QUICHE.
|
||||
BY KARL KEMERAIT
|
||||
ADDITIONS AND REVISIONS BY T BADD
|
||||
|
||||
* Real Sysops don't say they're getting a hard drive. They already have one.
|
||||
* Real Sysops have 2400 baud. There are a few exceptions.
|
||||
* Real Sysops have a fan on their computer at all times.
|
||||
* Real Sysops turn off their monitor as often as possible.
|
||||
* Real Sysops have their own phone line without 'call-waiting.'
|
||||
* Real Sysops disconnect their computer's speaker.
|
||||
* Real Sysops turn off the ringer on their telephone.
|
||||
* Real Sysops have a clock card.
|
||||
* Real Sysops don't care if you say that you are putting up
|
||||
a board next summer.
|
||||
* Real Sysops avoid 'Chat Mode' as often as possible.
|
||||
* Real Sysops hate it when you call yourself a 'future sysop.'
|
||||
* Real Sysops know that it's not the sysops that make a BBS great; it's the
|
||||
users.
|
||||
* Real Sysops don't post 'new board' messages on every other board in
|
||||
town until their board is actually up and running.
|
||||
* Real Sysops laugh when people say things like 'I have your voice number'
|
||||
or 'I am a Fed.'
|
||||
* Real Sysops know that 'phone' is spelled with 'ph' and 'fun' with 'f'.
|
||||
* Real Sysops don't bother to answer the phone when they're using their
|
||||
computer because they know the guy will have heart failure and hang up.
|
||||
* Real Sysops don't change the name of their board every month.
|
||||
* Real Sysops don't find it amusing when users leave numbers like:
|
||||
CAN-NOT-TELL or *UN-LIS-TED!
|
||||
* Real Sysops don't take their BBS down every five minutes to call a board.
|
||||
* Real Sysops don't post their numbers on every known BBS.
|
||||
* Real Sysops don't leave mail to users begging them to post.
|
||||
* Real Sysops get angry if their boards are crashed. Fortunately, real
|
||||
boards are rarely crashed and Real Sysops make back-ups, anyway.
|
||||
* Real Sysops don't care about "Improper Signoffs."
|
||||
* Real Sysops DON'T think they are God and are better than everyone
|
||||
|
||||
340
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realteac.hum
Normal file
340
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realteac.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,340 @@
|
||||
(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)
|
||||
(^) (^)
|
||||
(^) REAL COMPUTER TEACHERS (^)
|
||||
(^) (^)
|
||||
(^) by (^)
|
||||
(^) (^)
|
||||
(^) The Joker (^)
|
||||
(^) (^)
|
||||
(^) with help from (^)
|
||||
(^) (^)
|
||||
(^) The Slipped Disk, The DataMaster (^)
|
||||
(^) (^)
|
||||
(^) and Mark Hamill (^)
|
||||
(^) (^)
|
||||
(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)
|
||||
|
||||
The computer is entering the homes of people all over this country, and as
|
||||
usual, the screwed up educators want to ruin a good thing. They want to
|
||||
"Increase computer literacy among the students in public schools by teaching
|
||||
BASIC."
|
||||
|
||||
So school systems throught the land went out and bought IBM PCs to teach
|
||||
BASIC to kindergarteners, but they forgot one thing, someone to teach the
|
||||
children BASIC.
|
||||
|
||||
The educators turned to people who actually enjoy working with computers,
|
||||
but those who enjoy computers don't enjoy BASIC. So the educators turn to the
|
||||
structured programmer, but even they have their limits.
|
||||
|
||||
With no where else to turn, they turned to their own, the Real Math
|
||||
Teachers.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
(All action stops, the dark, forboding voice of THE JOKER permeates...)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers are not usually Real Computer Teachers, but are Real
|
||||
Math Teachers.
|
||||
|
||||
(Voice ends)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
With no choice, our Real Math Teacher went to the local collage, to take the
|
||||
course "How to program the IBM PC XT in BASIC, in a structured format".
|
||||
|
||||
Several weeks pass......
|
||||
|
||||
Well, the course is now over, and our Real Math Teacher turned Real Computer
|
||||
Teacher, is extremely happy knowing two languages, English and BASIC. So happy
|
||||
in fact, that he called up some of his teacher friends saying that he now knows
|
||||
two languages, and if they have any problems with either one, he would be glad
|
||||
to help.
|
||||
|
||||
Note that the Math Teacher is Male. The Female Math teachers are smart
|
||||
enough to know that they are not going to know how to teach this stuff right,
|
||||
and therefore don't try to make it appear that they do, for fear that they will
|
||||
lose their jobs.
|
||||
|
||||
(Again the action stops, with THE JOKER intervening...)
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers feel qualified to teach computers to anyone, even
|
||||
though they took a 6 week summer course in BASIC.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Female Computer teachers actually don't teach computers, but in fact
|
||||
reference all questions given to them that doesn't include the basic using of
|
||||
the computer (Turning it on., putting disks in drives) to the Real Male Computer
|
||||
Teacher of the school.
|
||||
|
||||
(Away it goes)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Several weeks pass......
|
||||
|
||||
Well the first day of school has arrived, and children all over the country
|
||||
are waking up preparing for the school day ahead of them.
|
||||
|
||||
And our Real Computer Teacher is also preparing for the school day ahead of
|
||||
him, reviewing one of his computer books "BASIC for Children, Step-by-Step"
|
||||
making sure that he has forgoten nothing about BASIC.
|
||||
|
||||
Also going to through the tiny mind of our Real Computer Teacher is crazy
|
||||
rules for BASIC programming meant to confuse the students completely.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
(What do you say?)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers require the first line in every program you write
|
||||
contain a REM.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers require the numbering of your lines to go by 10s,
|
||||
anything else is 'Unacceptable in a BASIC program.'
|
||||
|
||||
(That's what I thought you said...)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Our Real Computer Teacher has convinced himself that he knows BASIC inside
|
||||
out, and that he won't have any problem at all teaching BASIC.
|
||||
|
||||
Several hours pass......
|
||||
|
||||
As our Real Computer teacher enters the computer room that the school has
|
||||
set up, horror befalls him. Not one of the computers is an IBM PC XT, they were
|
||||
all Apple IIes. He ran down to the administrators telling them of his dilema.
|
||||
The students that were supposed to have his computer class were given study
|
||||
halls, and our Real Computer Teacher was sent back to the collage for another
|
||||
course, "How to program BASIC on an Apple IIe in a structured format"
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
(Room Darkens....)
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers don't know how to use any other computer, except the
|
||||
one they learned BASIC on, even though both computers use the same language.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers use BASIC.
|
||||
|
||||
(Room lightens...)
|
||||
|
||||
The school year has come and gone and our Real Computer Teacher still
|
||||
believes his own stupid rules, and the students still don't know anything
|
||||
about a computer except how to turn one on.
|
||||
|
||||
Several weeks pass......
|
||||
|
||||
Our Real Computer Teacher, after many sleepless nights of debate, has
|
||||
decided to buy a home computer.
|
||||
|
||||
So he went to the local library to do some research. The first thing to do
|
||||
was to find a Consumers 1983 Buying Guide. (Note that the year IS 1985)
|
||||
He feels that computers, like wine, get better with time. After more
|
||||
sleepless night of debate, our Real Computer Teacher decides that the Apple
|
||||
Macintosh is the best buy in the home computer market.
|
||||
|
||||
(Real Co. Teacher postulate number 9)
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers seldom own their own computer, and if they do they
|
||||
own the most expensive home computer around because they have the mentality,
|
||||
'The more expensive the better.'
|
||||
|
||||
(Memorize that..)
|
||||
|
||||
Several weeks pass......
|
||||
|
||||
Well, its school time again, and our Real Computer Teacher, still knows just
|
||||
as much about BASIC as he knew before, and another class is stuck with him.
|
||||
|
||||
A whole school year passes.....
|
||||
|
||||
At the end of the year, the students knew just as much about computers as
|
||||
when they first walked into the class, the frightening first day of school. On
|
||||
this day of days, our Real Computer Teacher, was called down to the
|
||||
administrators office. "Yes, what can I do for you?" asked our Real Computer
|
||||
Teacher.
|
||||
|
||||
"We want you to learn another computer language." said the administrators.
|
||||
|
||||
"NO!" he screamed, "I have enough trouble with BASIC!!"
|
||||
|
||||
"You must, we said so."
|
||||
|
||||
"But, but....."
|
||||
|
||||
"No buts, you will learn PASCAL!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Whats PASCAL?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Something you will like."
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Several weeks pass......
|
||||
|
||||
Our Unreal Math Teacher, turned Real Computer Teacher, is again taking a
|
||||
summer course, but this one is about PASCAL.
|
||||
|
||||
"Look," said our Real Computer Teacher, "the WRITELN statement works just
|
||||
like the PRINT in BASIC, so why can't you use the PRINT statement instead of
|
||||
WRITELN?"
|
||||
|
||||
Several weeks pass......
|
||||
|
||||
Yet again, for some unknown reason our Real Computer Teacher has graduated
|
||||
even though he made ridiculous statement throught the course, like the one
|
||||
above. (The teacher must have been a Real Computer Teacher teacher.)
|
||||
|
||||
The rest of the summer goes by...
|
||||
|
||||
And yet again, another first day of school comes, and our Real Computer
|
||||
Teacher is reviewing BASIC for Children Step-by-Step, because he has to teach a
|
||||
PASCAL 1 class first period.
|
||||
|
||||
The night before he word processed a test on BASIC to see how much his
|
||||
students knew about PASCAL.
|
||||
|
||||
All ready for the day, he left to start another year of being a Real Computer
|
||||
Teacher.
|
||||
|
||||
Several hours pass......
|
||||
|
||||
Standing at the door of the computer room is the Real Computer Teacher,
|
||||
waiting to see his students. After a few minutes of waiting, students
|
||||
started to walk in.
|
||||
|
||||
"Good, " he thought,"these kids don't know as much about computers as I do."
|
||||
|
||||
And then he walked in.
|
||||
|
||||
Our Real Computers Teacher's eyes widened, and his jaw dropped.
|
||||
|
||||
Standing before him was a student, carrying a Radio Shack Model 100.
|
||||
|
||||
"Hello, sir. I don't really want to be here, but they made me take this
|
||||
course." (A feeling of relief comes upon our Real Computer Teacher.) "I've
|
||||
been programming PASCAL since I was 7 years old."
|
||||
|
||||
"Oh, shit."
|
||||
|
||||
"What?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Oh, nothing."
|
||||
|
||||
"So do you have a modem?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Yes I do."
|
||||
|
||||
"So what's your handle?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Why, it's [fill in your computer teachers name here]"
|
||||
|
||||
"Isn't that your real name?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Yes."
|
||||
|
||||
"What boards are you on?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Compuserve, The Source....."
|
||||
|
||||
"Forget I ever asked."
|
||||
|
||||
"Are you one of those HACKERS?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Yeah, why do you want to know?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Hackers are childish, and....."
|
||||
|
||||
"Leave me alone, your such a, such a, such a Real Computer Teacher!"
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
(THE JOKER enters, starts rattiling off some more rules...)
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers will never say they typed up this weeks test. They
|
||||
will say they "word processed" it.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers do not like to be corrected, no matter how gross an
|
||||
error they've made.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers don't like students who have their own computers,
|
||||
because they usually know more about computers then they do. Even if the the
|
||||
computer has been in the closet for the past 6 months because they feel it's
|
||||
version of Pac-Man isn't very good.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers think Hackers are a nuisance and childish, but they
|
||||
buy every book, and cut out every magazine article about them.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers own a $500 modem and subscribe to Compuserve and The
|
||||
Source, yet they have never logged onto BBS.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
(Go away. What happened to our friend? Did he make it?)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Yes, our friend had to suffer through an entire year of Real Computer Teacher
|
||||
stupidity. Word has it that our friend is now locked up in an institution
|
||||
becasue of our Real Computer Teacher.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
(Well, We are approaching the end of the file, so let's rattle off some
|
||||
more rules before we go, ok?)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers eat Quiche
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers think that all programs must be 'user friendly'.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers do not use Fortran, C, Cobol or LISP, but will take
|
||||
the time to try to learn a dead language like Pascal
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers have a library of 100s of computer books yet refers
|
||||
to BASIC for Children Step-By-Step, when they have a problem.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers will tell you how delicate the computer is, even
|
||||
though anyone with a home computer knows what kind of abuse one can take.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers don't know ANYTHING about the inner workings of a
|
||||
computer, and when you ask one about how a computer REALLY works, they give you
|
||||
a shpeal about how the CPU is hooked up to the Central Processing Unit.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers don't really enjoy programming that much, they would
|
||||
probably rather drink herb tea, and go to the local yoga class.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers DEMAND that you put all statements on one line,
|
||||
because otherwise their brains won't be able to remember anything past that.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers also demand that you "Be modular", even though you
|
||||
know nobody writes a program for a school assignment in a modular fashion.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers don't understand that by the time the kids in their
|
||||
classes get to use a computer in later life, they will have absolutely NO need
|
||||
to use BASIC.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers are generally looked down upon by the rest of the
|
||||
faculty, because the Real Computer Teachers think they are smarter than the
|
||||
rest of the said faculty.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers fell in love with LOGO.
|
||||
|
||||
*Real Computer Teachers have never heard of FORTRAN, SNOBOL, APL, or
|
||||
anything that can't run on an Apple II+.
|
||||
|
||||
*You can spot a Real Computer Teacher a mile away, they are the only adults
|
||||
in the school who look too stupid to be teachers, and too smart to be janitors.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
It seems that the Real Computer Teacher is destined to continue to be an on
|
||||
going threat to American children that will create little structured
|
||||
programmers everywhere.
|
||||
|
||||
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
|
||||
Sysops of other BBSs are welcome to use this file as long as nothing is
|
||||
changed.
|
||||
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
|
||||
|
||||
Note that all grammatical and spelling errors are caused by Real English
|
||||
Teachers, which will be dealt with in another file
|
||||
|
||||
[End of File]
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
116
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realuser.txt
Normal file
116
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realuser.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,116 @@
|
||||
|
||||
[*************************************]
|
||||
[ An addition to: ]
|
||||
[Real Sysops and Unreal Board Crashers]
|
||||
[ Real BBS Users ]
|
||||
[*************************************]
|
||||
|
||||
Written By The Master Watchman
|
||||
of
|
||||
The Encounter (619) 433-7075
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Well, as inspired by The Silver Elf,
|
||||
I have decided to make an addition to
|
||||
the lists. Hopefully it will get at
|
||||
least a few laughs. (Especially to
|
||||
us Real Sysops!)
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------
|
||||
Real users do not scan all the boards
|
||||
and read all the messages looking for
|
||||
something exciting.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users post occasionally something
|
||||
of interest which does NOT include:
|
||||
Backspacing tips
|
||||
Messages saying "Just taking up
|
||||
space"
|
||||
Messages asking for E-Mail
|
||||
Messages saying "Got some new stuff
|
||||
.. Send mail."
|
||||
Messages telling about "A Micro-
|
||||
modem for sale! $215"
|
||||
or
|
||||
Messages saying they will trade
|
||||
a MM for an Apple-Cat in working
|
||||
condition.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users don't try every command on
|
||||
the main menu, then try them again to
|
||||
see if they do something amazingly
|
||||
different.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users don't automatically assume
|
||||
The Sysop will be there all the time,
|
||||
and don't get annoyed and press Ctrl-G
|
||||
10,000 times when he's not there.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users don't expect the Sysop Stat
|
||||
message to say anything but "Not
|
||||
available"
|
||||
|
||||
Real users don't constantly bug The
|
||||
Sysop for levels.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users do things to deserve levels.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users do not leave stupid questions
|
||||
in feedback or messages and expect
|
||||
answers.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users do not look for important
|
||||
people in your user file and then start
|
||||
supporting them and sending them E-Mail
|
||||
hoping to pick up some great tips or be
|
||||
recognized as a "Real Pirate" from them.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users are not poor.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users do not expect The Sysop to
|
||||
remember everything they have ever
|
||||
said, Real users understand that they
|
||||
are not the most important figure on
|
||||
the board.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users do not command search. (I.E.
|
||||
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,...,!,@,#,$,%,^,&,*)
|
||||
|
||||
Real users read the system news when it
|
||||
has been updated so they don't have to
|
||||
command search.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users have long since printed out
|
||||
the menu and other things so they do
|
||||
not have to continually return to them.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users do not call right back after
|
||||
their time is up.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users are not afraid when The
|
||||
Sysop answers the phone. Real users
|
||||
will at least acknowledge that they are
|
||||
there.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users don't expect the board to be
|
||||
up all 24 hours all the time.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users are not terminally boring.
|
||||
|
||||
On the War board:
|
||||
Real users do not create stupid wars
|
||||
like "Pepsi vs. Coke".
|
||||
|
||||
Real users are not afraid to post with
|
||||
their name. Real users hardly ever post
|
||||
anonymously.
|
||||
|
||||
Real users enjoy killing unreal users
|
||||
with Apples who post that their
|
||||
toy is best.
|
||||
|
||||
In fact, real users do not reply to
|
||||
Apples, they find out their
|
||||
address and destroy their house.
|
||||
|
||||
BIN
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realwork.hum
Normal file
BIN
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/realwork.hum
Normal file
Binary file not shown.
210
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/rpg.001
Normal file
210
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/rpg.001
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,210 @@
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
[/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\]
|
||||
[\] [/]
|
||||
[/] The Real Pirate's Guide [\]
|
||||
[\] [/]
|
||||
[\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/]
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
[simulation]
|
||||
|
||||
FROM-> JHONNY THE AVENGER
|
||||
DATE-> SAT AUG 4 10:21 PM
|
||||
|
||||
I SAW YOUR MESSAGE ON THE PIRATE BOARD ABOUT YOU HAVEING SIDE 2
|
||||
OF SUMMER GAMES! MY CONNECTIONS MR. ZEROX AND CHEIF SURGEN BLACK
|
||||
BAG ARE'NT AROUND TO MAIL IT 2 ME SO WANNA DO SOME SERIUS
|
||||
TRADEING?I HAVE GRAFORTH ,CHOPLIFTER ,MARS CARS ,DISK MUNCHER AND
|
||||
SOME K00L OTHER STUFF AND GAMES.CALL ME AT 312-323-3741. IF YOU
|
||||
NEED PHREAK CODES I HAVE THEM TO AND BOX PLANS.BYE
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
*** ***** **
|
||||
* * * *
|
||||
* * * ******
|
||||
** HONNY * HE * * VENGER
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
*THE KNIGHTS OF MYSTERIOUS KEYBOARDS*!
|
||||
THE AWESOMEST HACK GROUP IN TOWN
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Is the author of the above message a true pirate? Since the
|
||||
beginning of time there has been an implicit code of etiquette
|
||||
governing the actions of software pirates, but as many of you may
|
||||
have noticed as of late, that code has been knocked around a bit.
|
||||
Although it's not difficult to differentiate a true pirate from
|
||||
one of these poor imitations, I believe that, with the number of
|
||||
true pirates decreasing at such an alarming rate, this code
|
||||
should be set straight.
|
||||
|
||||
After all, although "Jhonny" is admittedly a moron, it's not his
|
||||
fault that he never received proper guidance.
|
||||
|
||||
One of the first and foremost rules of piracy: REAL PIRATES ARE
|
||||
OVER 15 YEARS OLD! Exceptions to this rule are extremely rare at
|
||||
best.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: You never have to wonder who breeded Mickey Mouse with
|
||||
a 2600 hz tone to produce a real pirate's voice.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
ALIASES
|
||||
-------
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates are more imaginative than to use the word "copy" in
|
||||
their alias.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: Real pirates aren't named "Mr. Copy" because real
|
||||
pirates don't brag about cracking Dung Beetles.
|
||||
|
||||
The word "crack" (or "krack") is found nowhere in a real pirate's
|
||||
name...unless he really knows how to.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates' aliases don't sound as if they were extracted from
|
||||
the lyrics of an Ozzy Ozbourne song (i.e. Provisioner of Satan,
|
||||
Black Avenger, Dark Phantom, etc.).
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't name themselves after heavy metal groups.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates, if named after some aspect of pirate legend (i.e.
|
||||
Jolly Roger, Captain Hook, Eye Patch, etc.) don't say, "Avast ye
|
||||
scurvy dogs," or anything of the like.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates' names aren't parodies of other reputable pirates
|
||||
(i.e. Resident of Lavender Bag, Mr. Pac Man, Franklin Bandit,
|
||||
etc.).
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't name themselves after alcoholic beverages
|
||||
(i.e. Jack Daniels, Harvey Wallbanger, Jim Beam, etc.) especially
|
||||
when they've never had one.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates spell their aliases correctly (unlike "The Poenix").
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates aren't named Sam Houston, Sir Spanky, The
|
||||
Gamemaster, Lord Fagen, Mass Hacker, Sirus Eridani
|
||||
(insert your own losers here) or Mr. Copy.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't get their alias from "Space Vikings"
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
WARES
|
||||
-----
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates would never think of deleting "Sabotage". It's too
|
||||
much fun imagining those little men are actually Sir Knight.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates play "Bilestoad".
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates have long since deleted "Sneakers", "E.T.", "Alien
|
||||
Munchies", "Bug Battle", "Snack Attack", and everything from SSI,
|
||||
Avalon Hill, and Scott Adams.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates upload. They realize that leeching is the #2 sin
|
||||
(behind, of course, being 13 years old).
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates realize that Penguin aren't really "The Graphics
|
||||
People".
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates feel guilty when pirating Beagle Brothers. Of
|
||||
course, that never stops them.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't believe the morons who say they have Ultima IV
|
||||
and Pole Position.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: Real pirates realize that there is a difference
|
||||
between Formula I Racer and Pole Position.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
BOARDS
|
||||
------
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates aren't the fifth to post the same "I have..."
|
||||
message.
|
||||
|
||||
corrolary: Real pirates don't post "I have..." messages when they
|
||||
really don't have.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't download programs from public AE's and then
|
||||
post "I know it's old, but I have...too" messages on pirate
|
||||
boards.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't post their high scores.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: Real pirates don't keep score.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't say "K-K00L", "K-AWESOME", "X10DER", "L8R0N",
|
||||
or anything of the sort.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates know the difference between "f" and "ph" (i.e.
|
||||
"philes", "phuck", "fone", etc.).
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't waste everyone's time backspacing over their
|
||||
alias 50 times.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates never use text graphics in their messages.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't care about The Curse BBS's "K-K00L M0DS".
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't search for new ways to spell "WARES".
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't use the last 5 lines of their messages
|
||||
bragging about the 8 meaningless organizations that they belong
|
||||
to.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: Real pirates don't belong to SWAPP, DOS/NPG, or
|
||||
NASCOMP.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates who are GBBS Sysops are proud to have stolen from
|
||||
Greg Schaefer.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates are satisfied with one exclamation point.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't call Dial-Your-Match.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates never get into "bitch wars" unless, of course, they
|
||||
are grinding some 13 year old TI user into the dust.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
TRANSFERS
|
||||
---------
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates don't DFX.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates no longer buy Micromodem II's, SSM modemcards, or
|
||||
Networker modems.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: Real pirates buy Apple Cats.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary to the corollary: Real pirates accept the reality
|
||||
that 300 baud is dead.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates aren't around to trade on Friday or Saturday nights.
|
||||
|
||||
corollary: Real pirates haven't watched Love Boat since they were
|
||||
13.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates type "BRUN AE" without the spacebar in between.
|
||||
|
||||
Real pirates can get Diskfer/Catsend to work right the first
|
||||
time.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
CONCLUSION
|
||||
----------
|
||||
|
||||
That's it...for now. Since losers invent new ways to be losers
|
||||
every day, expect a "Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2" very soon.
|
||||
|
||||
If any of you were terribly offended by anything in this file,
|
||||
that's your clue to retire from the pirate world. After all, real
|
||||
pirates don't get offended by things written in textfiles.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
BIN
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/rpg1.txt
Normal file
BIN
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/rpg1.txt
Normal file
Binary file not shown.
BIN
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/rpg2.txt
Normal file
BIN
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/rpg2.txt
Normal file
Binary file not shown.
BIN
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/rpg3.txt
Normal file
BIN
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/rpg3.txt
Normal file
Binary file not shown.
153
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/ruggies.hum
Normal file
153
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/ruggies.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,153 @@
|
||||
<:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:>
|
||||
<:> <:>
|
||||
<:> T H E R E A L R U G G I E ' S <:>
|
||||
<:> ~~~~~~~ <:>
|
||||
<:> G U I D E ! <:>
|
||||
<:> <:>
|
||||
<:> Written by Major Havoc <:>
|
||||
<:> <:>
|
||||
<:> Arrakis - 612/561-0939 <:>
|
||||
<:> <:>
|
||||
<:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:><:>
|
||||
|
||||
Yes, here it is, The Real ruggie's guide. 'Why in the hell did I make
|
||||
this?', you ask yourself. It's very simple. You see, there are many people
|
||||
out there who have no idea what a ruggie is, and there seems to be a
|
||||
large number of them since Christmas (when santa claws brings them their
|
||||
modem). So, here for your enjoyment..
|
||||
|
||||
-]-]-]-]-]-]-]-]-
|
||||
[/BBSing:\]
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies have Networkers and like them.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies think a 'Cat' is a furry animal.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies don't know that AE and Ascii Express are the same thing.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies have aliases like 'Dr. Ace', 'Zero G',(Insert dickshit here), 'The
|
||||
Baby' or 'The Enforcer', or use their real names.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies hang up when you pick up the phone (Voice).
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies post 10-20 messages all on the same board, all in the same day, an
|
||||
d wonders why the sysop gets pissed.
|
||||
|
||||
Ruggies page the sysop at 3AM, and wonder why the sysop gets mad.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies put asterics in their swear words.
|
||||
|
||||
Real ruggies call up an AE line with their term prog and blame the reason it wo
|
||||
n't work right on the AE line.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies call a BBS outside of hours and bitch at the sysop for not having
|
||||
it up.
|
||||
|
||||
Real ruggies use the 'k-' prefix all the time (k-k00l, k-bye, k-mart)
|
||||
|
||||
Real ruggies think Anoka RBBS and Duh Crib are 'k-k00l' boards.
|
||||
|
||||
Real ruggies waste 12 sectors of disk space on text graphics and trick bacspace
|
||||
s.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies use 110 baud.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies type at 10 characters per minute.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies run a ruggie bbs off of unmodified GBBS or NetWorks II.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies say they don't phreak/hack because 'they may get arrested and sent
|
||||
to prison'.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies start those loser pirate groups (Pirate's Inc., NPA, etc.)
|
||||
|
||||
Real ruggies always stay for the maximum time limit, and call the maximum numbe
|
||||
r of calls per day, right in a row.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies never give their real number when they log-on, but post messages o
|
||||
n the boards saying 'Call me at xxx-xxxx, ask for Lester Cosworth' and wonder w
|
||||
hy he's getting all these calls at 3:00 am.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies think 'Boxing' is a sport where you hit people.
|
||||
|
||||
Real ruggies put after their name 'Non-MPG/Non-NDC/Non-Thought Police' when we
|
||||
all know they wouldn't be let into those groups anyway because they are such lo
|
||||
sers.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies use someone elses alias and say thay had it first.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies think '99E99' is the most awesome thing since shrinky-dinks.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies leave feedback asking for higher access, to be in a 'k-k00l' club
|
||||
or demand to be co-sysop.
|
||||
|
||||
Real ruggies think an Auto-dialer is something on a car phone.
|
||||
|
||||
Real ruggies e-mail all the users of a board asking 'Be an E-mail pen pal' or '
|
||||
What is a 'Ware'?' or 'Are these new warezz?' and follow with a string of archa
|
||||
ic relics for wares.
|
||||
|
||||
Real ruggies have a logo that takes up 15-20 lines and has backspaces up the as
|
||||
s.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies try to be recognized by doing dumb things, or ragging on cool peop
|
||||
le for no reason whatsoever.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies bitch about charging for higher access and say they'll never come
|
||||
back to that board again, but they do anyways..
|
||||
|
||||
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|
||||
[\Sysoping../]
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies ask others to fix their board because they don't know basic, and a
|
||||
re 'Learning Assembly and Machine Language' like they were 2 different things.
|
||||
|
||||
Real ruggies pronounce sysop SY-sop.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies always say 'I've ordered a Hard drive, but it's in the mail' or 'T
|
||||
he H-drive is on the way.' and other bullshit like that.
|
||||
|
||||
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
|
||||
{-The Latest Warezz:-}
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies like to play Gorgon or Sabotage.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies say 'I have Ultima IV, but I won't distribute it right away' or th
|
||||
at they have all these NEW warezz that havn't even been made yet.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies post 'I have' messages and really don't have.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruugies use CopyA for copying disks.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies are offended by what's in text files.
|
||||
|
||||
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
|
||||
|=|Lifestyles:|=|
|
||||
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies wear rags, horn rimmed glasses, and have greasy hair.
|
||||
|
||||
Real ruggies are under 15 and have voices like a 6 yr. old with nasal problems.
|
||||
|
||||
Real ruggies ride bikes with reflectors all over it and straws on the spokes.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies aren't interested in girls.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies hate rock and like those moldy songs from the 20's and 30's.
|
||||
|
||||
Real Ruggies are constantly with their computer, like they're attatched to it.
|
||||
|
||||
Real ruggies eat Mr. T cereal.
|
||||
|
||||
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|
||||
Well, it's about time I quit. Well, I hope you enjoyed this file, and be
|
||||
ready, because another one (Not neccessarily by me) will be written
|
||||
soon, because there's a loser born every minute..especially after
|
||||
Christmas...
|
||||
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
114
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/skimboar.hum
Normal file
114
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/skimboar.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,114 @@
|
||||
+====================================+
|
||||
! A GUIDE TO REAL SKIMBOARDERS !
|
||||
! !
|
||||
! Compiled by Mr. Wizard !
|
||||
+====================================+
|
||||
|
||||
+====================================+
|
||||
This is a guide as to what REAL skimboarders pratice. There is no room here
|
||||
for "pseudoskimmers," as you must use this as a guide for self improve- ment.
|
||||
There is always room for improvement, so I suggest you adjust yourselves
|
||||
accordingly to avoid being laughed at.
|
||||
+====================================+
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders make their own boards.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders don't decorate their homemade boards with magic
|
||||
markers, but with colored resins.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: If real skimboarders are wealthy enough, they buy a J.GORDON.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Skimboarders who buy J.GORDONs use them to their full extent, not
|
||||
just show them off.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders don't have round boards.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders have bevelled boards, except in the case of
|
||||
J.GORDONs.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition to the corollary: Real skimboarders don't have stupid-looking boards
|
||||
or shapes that don't work.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders don't waste their time on flat beaches--- if
|
||||
they can help it.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition to corollary: --- unless they are practicing for a contest.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders go for the real thing-----SHOREBREAK!
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders know that the most superior boards around for
|
||||
shorebreak are foamies and some J. GORDONs.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders try to find out where contests are.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders don't chew gum while skimboarding.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders don't wear walkmans or backpacks while
|
||||
skimboarding.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders go on as little water as possible.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders aren't proud of "battle scars" (rock dings)
|
||||
because they know they make rad boards look like crap.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders repair dings as soon as possible.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders don't go on suicide runs over pebbles.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders don't carve the rough unless they are going fast
|
||||
and/or the rough is deep.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition to the corollary: Real skimboarders don't carve 6" rough unless they
|
||||
are bored out of their skulls, in which case they quit for a while.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders make the most of every ride (except in the above
|
||||
situation).
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders don't try to skim on their boogieboards.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders are reluctant to answer questions like "What is
|
||||
that?" and "Where did you get that?" asked by ASS-WHITE tourists
|
||||
(but answer them anyway).
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders usually hate tourists except for the gawking,
|
||||
pointing, and idolizing that they do.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders don't care if they mess up.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition to the corollary: Real skimboarders know that it's okay to mess up,
|
||||
and that if one doesn't once in a while, there's something wrong.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders are willing to try new tricks.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders laugh out loud (or at least bust up inside) at
|
||||
pseudoskimmers who talk up their weak, inferior moves.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders don't use poses to impress anyone else but
|
||||
judges.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition to the corollary: Real skimboarders also use poses to outdo someone
|
||||
they are competing against.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders accept female skimmers because they are being
|
||||
adventurous females.
|
||||
|
||||
Addition to the corollary: Real skimboarders don't jeer at female skimmers
|
||||
because they just might blow away everyone else.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real skimboarders try to attain the ultimate--------------- the
|
||||
skimboard AERIAL.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
***************************************
|
||||
Look for my upcoming t-file
|
||||
"Real Boogieboarders
|
||||
Don't Go Straight"
|
||||
|
||||
+===========================+
|
||||
! A !
|
||||
! Mr. Wizard !
|
||||
! PRESENTATION !
|
||||
+===========================+
|
||||
|
||||
269
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/skinstud.hum
Normal file
269
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/skinstud.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,269 @@
|
||||
=======================================
|
||||
= -----===> Skins & Studs <===----- =
|
||||
= Composed by Lord Flathead for =
|
||||
= The users of the....... =
|
||||
= Electronic Laser Fortress =
|
||||
=======================================
|
||||
|
||||
Well, seems there is some confusion to what a "Skin" & a "Stud" are. I've
|
||||
been saying Skin & Stud ever since I was in 7th grade. Although it is a quite
|
||||
popular saying in all the schools I have gone too there is still some confusion
|
||||
as to the meanings of these terms. This file will define the true definition
|
||||
of a "Skin" and a "Stud" get ready............
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
=======================================
|
||||
= STUDS =
|
||||
=======================================
|
||||
|
||||
The word stud probably originates from a stud-fee on a horse. The guy is
|
||||
such a stud that the women pay for sex....?
|
||||
|
||||
Now it is not used like that so much and it is excepted in public as not
|
||||
something dirty.
|
||||
|
||||
This is what it is used for now and this is the definition of a STUD in
|
||||
Flathead's Dictionary (C).
|
||||
|
||||
STUD (STUD) n. 1. A person who is cool contains a stud-like quality.
|
||||
Example: You are a stud. What a stud! (studly) adj.
|
||||
|
||||
In simpler terms here are a few examples:
|
||||
|
||||
A stud doesn't confuse the following letters with each other more than once a
|
||||
message. There are certain words which are excepted such as "lozer" and
|
||||
"wharez" as long as there is one "z" those are excepted.
|
||||
|
||||
LETTER MISTAKEN WITH
|
||||
-------- ---------------
|
||||
"S" "Z"
|
||||
"C" "<" "("
|
||||
"KS" "X"
|
||||
"O" "0"
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
WORD MISTAKEN WITH
|
||||
--------- ----------------
|
||||
"Wharez" "Wharezzzzz"
|
||||
"Cool" "/<uuuuuuul"
|
||||
"<00000000l"
|
||||
"(00000000l"
|
||||
"(ooooooool"
|
||||
"<ooooooool"
|
||||
"You" "u"
|
||||
"Your" "u'r"
|
||||
"Later" "l8er!"
|
||||
"Phone" "Fone!"
|
||||
"Fun" "Phun!"
|
||||
"Sucks" "Sux"
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
If you dont do that on a regular basis you are on you are on your way to
|
||||
being a stud.
|
||||
|
||||
A stud will post messages that are legible and that make sense.
|
||||
|
||||
A stud posts valid accounts on a phreak board and only first hand information
|
||||
(I.E. found by you yourself) or state who found it when posting.
|
||||
|
||||
A stud cuts down Black Dragon, or The Breaker!
|
||||
|
||||
Now off of the computer in average life a stud does the following:
|
||||
|
||||
Listen to Heavy Metal -- There are special exceptions (I.E. Laser Falcon,
|
||||
Sabre Wulf, etc)
|
||||
|
||||
Have long hair. Again there are exceptions -- very few but they are there.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs are not afraid to show their emotions and are usually emotional people.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs have a heart.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs dont pick on people unless they are an incredible skin.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs play text adventures -- and solve them.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs play the guitar, drums, or some other instrument that is used in bands
|
||||
of today.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs have girl friends that they are serious about. One night stands are
|
||||
not considered studly.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs have responsibilites.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs dont work at McDonalds or some other fruity place.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs drink Canada Dry, Root Beer, Coke or Martinellies Sparkling Cider, some
|
||||
studs drink beer, wine etc.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs have a Sir Galaxy Robot.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs watch David Letterman whenever possible.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs don't dress up for school.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs get C's or above in school. Although some studs get bad grades. This
|
||||
is a hard one to tell from.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs watch sun-sets.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs and there friends have close bonds with one another and each others
|
||||
families.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs are talked about by girls till late night hours.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs say "No Thank you" when a group asks them to join there <Super Elite>
|
||||
club.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs lift weights.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs walk to town and hang out. If your old enough to drive you can be a
|
||||
stud in your car too.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs tell there girl friends they love them at least once a day.
|
||||
|
||||
Studs love their moms.
|
||||
|
||||
Are you getting the picture? Now for skins!
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
=======================================
|
||||
= SKINS =
|
||||
=======================================
|
||||
|
||||
Skin is someone who is dumb or stupid etc.. although it can be used in a
|
||||
joking manner and most often is. Or you can yell "Skin!" when you see
|
||||
something that is funny or just plain stupid such as Black Dragon, A kid with a
|
||||
flat top, etc.
|
||||
|
||||
The Word "Skin" probably originated from me calling people with short hair a
|
||||
"Skinhead" skin became a shorter version that has nothing to do with short
|
||||
hair. Here is a definition from Flatheads Dictionary (C)
|
||||
|
||||
SKIN (SKIN) N. 1. A skin is someone who does stupid things. Skinnish (adj)
|
||||
|
||||
This is what a message from a skin looks like:
|
||||
|
||||
#19 "new wharez!111!!!"
|
||||
By HAPPY HACKER
|
||||
Jul 19, 1985 14.24
|
||||
|
||||
hey dudez!1 i got new wharezzz for u
|
||||
n they are /<uul!1!!@ here goez:
|
||||
|
||||
s.am.m
|
||||
adventur
|
||||
business prg #1
|
||||
c-net 2.3
|
||||
hack'em 9.234134
|
||||
|
||||
if u wana trade with me then leave e- mail oh yah, new codez.....
|
||||
|
||||
0123948912834
|
||||
023840823123311
|
||||
34384737471
|
||||
93747717177171
|
||||
|
||||
enjoy!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!2!!@@!!!
|
||||
###################################31#
|
||||
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$4$$$$$$$$4$$$$$$$$$4$
|
||||
|
||||
new <>_()( elite ><()** bbs.
|
||||
|
||||
555-555-hack
|
||||
|
||||
<>><><><><><><><><><>
|
||||
>< happy hacker!11!<>
|
||||
><<><><><><>><><><><><><
|
||||
|
||||
That's a total skin message. Here are some things that skins do/are:
|
||||
|
||||
Skins use Dragon in their name.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins listen to Boy George, WHAM!, Prince etc..
|
||||
|
||||
Skins think an auto-dialer is a car- phone.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins leach sprint codes.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins think they know everything when they have had their modem for under a
|
||||
month.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins chat with the sysop and say What's up Tom, How have you been lately"
|
||||
(and the sysop can't rem- ember you!
|
||||
|
||||
Skins say "I enjoyed the chat" on a pirate or phreak bbs. (That's strict- ly
|
||||
a Rick Fry or PMS Saying)
|
||||
|
||||
Skins say their computer is better than someone elses because of the rad
|
||||
sound chip they have.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins enjoyed the Mind's Eye.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins post messages that say "I Have" when they really don't have.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins have no feelings.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins think they'll get a date off of a Dial-Your-Match.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins call Rick Fry's board and try to log-on under an alias.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins hit return 300 times when they are through with a message on a C-net.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins are offended by a text file.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins try to live their lives according to files like this one.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins try to guess the sysops pass.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins type "HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!"
|
||||
|
||||
Skins user more than 3 "!!!" after one sentence.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins kiss sysop's asses.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins are mean to small children.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins are perverts and vulgar in front of a lady.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins don't open doors or pull out chairs for girls either.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins go to bed at 9:30.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins use the word "Elite" 40 million times when discussing things that
|
||||
aren't so "Elite"
|
||||
|
||||
Skins don't capitalize anything especially there handle.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins leave 3 lines of text-graphics after every message.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins have 500 line stories on their boards that you are not able to skip.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins type in all uppercase or all lower.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins like cheap sex.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins say that MTV is bad for youth.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins use their original term program.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins ask for donations when their board is run off of one drive.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins dont like animals.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins are afraid to use sprint codes.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins try to sell software they have written in basic (CBS UGH!)
|
||||
|
||||
Skins post invalid accounts on phreak boards.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins leach software off of pirate boards and don't upload.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins think I'm with the FBI.
|
||||
|
||||
Skins rag on sysops.
|
||||
|
||||
If your still don't know what a skin is you are a skin.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
142
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/squid.hum
Normal file
142
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/squid.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,142 @@
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
|
||||
_____________________________________________________________________________
|
||||
| |
|
||||
| "The True Definition of a SQUID" - Written by The Ascii Assassin |
|
||||
| Written on 3/10 and 3/11, MCMLXXXVI. An AssassinSoft production. |
|
||||
|_____________________________________________________________________________|
|
||||
|
||||
-- Disclaimer.
|
||||
|
||||
This file is intended to be read for entertainment purposes only. No
|
||||
offense is intended towards anyone that happens to fall under the catagory of
|
||||
"squid", as dictated by this file; neither is offense intended from those quotedby said file. On with the show...
|
||||
|
||||
-- Introduction.
|
||||
|
||||
Recently, there has been a large group of people calling one another
|
||||
"squids". Mind you, this isn't a local problem; Squid-hood has spread across theentire country. Since "squid" has become the hip & happening word to call
|
||||
somebody you don't like, we take the time to present this file to help dist-
|
||||
inguish a squid from whatever other riff-raff you have them confused with.
|
||||
|
||||
-- Definition of a Squid.
|
||||
|
||||
"Squid (skwid) n. A marine mollusk with a long body and ten arms
|
||||
surrounding the mouth. [Origin unknown]". Picture included in the dictionary was<61>just what you expected: An ugly, elongated little sea-creature. If the folks
|
||||
who pubished the dictionary knew what they were talking about, the illustration
|
||||
would most likely show a disheveled looking teenager, slumped over a computer,
|
||||
frantically typing on a BBS. You might be thinking "Hmm, so a squid is just a
|
||||
fancy name for a 'Modem Geek'.."; That's only half of the story.
|
||||
|
||||
-- What's the Other Half of the Story?
|
||||
|
||||
Squids are generally known as modem geeks, but there are exceptions. No
|
||||
ordinary modem geek has what it takes to be a true squid, In person, he may not
|
||||
be considered as pitiful as the average, run of the mill nerd (sometimes, the
|
||||
two parallel rather closely, nevertheless..). It takes a combination of odd
|
||||
personality and a lot of free time to merit the much coveted title of "squid".
|
||||
|
||||
-- How Many Squids Really Exist?
|
||||
|
||||
Squid-hood in it's TRUE form is very rare, so there is no need to fear
|
||||
an epidemic. They rarely run their own boards, so new users won't be tempted to
|
||||
mimic their <20>"FAV0RITE SYS0P" on that "K-K00L B0ARD!1" that the squid might
|
||||
otherwise run. If a squid does happen to influence a new user, another true
|
||||
squid might be born. One might compare this phenomenon to that of a virus
|
||||
contaminating whatever was healthy before, thereby turning it into mush which
|
||||
breeds more viruses. So much for cute analogies.
|
||||
|
||||
If you want to find a squid, the best places to look are on just about
|
||||
any Apple-Net boards in your local area. Since John Pechacek was probably a truesquid during his pirating days (under the handle "Apple Bandit"), it only seems
|
||||
natural that squids like such BBS's.
|
||||
|
||||
-- Some Helpful Hints on Squid Identification.
|
||||
|
||||
The guidelines that the typical squid follows in his/her/it's day to daylife has been outlined in a "Real ---- guide" format. I know, the "real so and
|
||||
so Guide" business is getting old, but it seems like the best way to classify
|
||||
all this information. Here we go...
|
||||
|
||||
Real squids ALWAYS have elite access on ANY and EVERY Apple-Net BBS within a <20>30milre radius of their modem.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real squids NEVER have elite access on any other type of bulletin
|
||||
board.
|
||||
|
||||
Real squids have love/hate feelings about John Pechacek. They love him because
|
||||
they think he is a God-like programmer, they hate him because he always seems tocrash their favorite board until the sysop send him $55 to pay for a legitimate
|
||||
copy of Apple-Net.
|
||||
|
||||
Real squids, if they happen to have a 1200 baud modem, spit on anything below
|
||||
1200 baud. They NEVER call boards that are 300 baud only, because it's "too
|
||||
slow".
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real squids try to take speed reading courses, to keep up with the
|
||||
1200 baud display.
|
||||
|
||||
Real squids NEVER run their own BBS.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real squids would rather go to a sysop's house and(bother users from
|
||||
the local end.
|
||||
|
||||
Real squids don't attempt to defend themselves when being called a squid. They
|
||||
believe that being called a "squid" is a supreme honor.
|
||||
|
||||
Real squids THINK they have a sense of humor. They often create fictional char-
|
||||
acters (don't ask me why, it just sounds like a squidly thing to do..right?)
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Nobody really cares when a squid says "Franklin Macintoshman lives!"
|
||||
or "Joe Bob's Grease-o-Matic Burger Joint! Call and order.."
|
||||
|
||||
Real squids like to wear t-shirts that have sayings about "Cthulhu" emblazoned
|
||||
upon them.
|
||||
|
||||
Real squids NEVER buy records or tapes, the only music they listen to is on AM
|
||||
radio.
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: Real squids listen to KFRC.
|
||||
|
||||
Read squids are out of high-school, but don't attend college because it would
|
||||
not leave them with enough time to call the 99E99 boards they are on at one
|
||||
time.
|
||||
|
||||
Real squids don't have jobs.
|
||||
|
||||
Real squids take great pride in their "intelligence".
|
||||
|
||||
Real squids play chess, D&D, and various other role playing and war games, ONLY
|
||||
if they can be adapted for BBS play. Squids are attracted to BBS's that have
|
||||
more than 10 sub-boards dedicated to gaming.
|
||||
|
||||
Real squids, when feeling like getting into a real bitch-war, call other users
|
||||
names that are normally linked to fruits and vegetables (ie: Grapefruit, Cuc-
|
||||
umber, etc).
|
||||
|
||||
Real squids, if they attempt to write text-files (VERY rarely), write files thatare takeoff's on other text-files (they usual<61><6C>ly write takeoff's on a takeoff
|
||||
that offended them).
|
||||
|
||||
Corollary: It's a good thing that real squids don't write many more text-files
|
||||
than they do right now. (Need I say more?)
|
||||
|
||||
-- Conclusion.
|
||||
|
||||
Squids are (unfortunately) here to stay. About all you can do is
|
||||
identify them, and eradicate them if possible. The original squids have
|
||||
"contaminated" enough users (thus transforming them into real squids them-
|
||||
selves) that it is literally impossible to correct their problems.
|
||||
|
||||
This file is dedicated to the "Nwonknu" series of BBS's. If it weren't
|
||||
for Ken, there would be no sanctuary for lonely squids every<72>where.
|
||||
|
||||
Try these great squid-stops..
|
||||
|
||||
415-369-9255 Lamorak 415-854-9276 Temple of the Snake 415-365-4194 Nwonknu HQ_______________________________________________________________________________
|
||||
|
||||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
_ ___ _ the _ _ __ P>rogressive U>nderground
|
||||
And as this textfile | ||__ \ | | | | | ||_ \ D>issidents
|
||||
rolls off the screen, | | __) )| | | | | | \ \ 3 1 3 - 4 3 3 - 3 1 6 4
|
||||
you realize instantly | ||___/ | | | | | | ) ) 300/1200 Baud
|
||||
the place to get more | | | |___| | | | _/ / 20 Megs of TextFiles
|
||||
like it.. |_| \_____/ |_||__/ SysOp: Mr. Pez
|
||||
|
||||
Loser/Leech Files]
|
||||
170
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/ticool.txt
Normal file
170
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/ticool.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,170 @@
|
||||
|
||||
/-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-\
|
||||
/ THE REAL "COOL DUDES" GUIDE \
|
||||
< by: >
|
||||
\ Red Phantom /
|
||||
\-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-/
|
||||
|
||||
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
|
||||
%% The Lazy Dragon...............(312)/(728-4069) %%
|
||||
%% Armageddon....................(312)/(967-0848) %%
|
||||
%% The Music Box.................(312)/(774-0202) %%
|
||||
%% Ripco International...........(312)/(528-5020) %%
|
||||
%% Blue Skies....................(312)/(386-0499) %%
|
||||
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
|
||||
|
||||
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
|
||||
|
||||
Perhaps the most widely-used term in "modemland", second only to 'ware', is
|
||||
the word 'dude' (and the many variations thereof). The title of 'dude' is,
|
||||
undoubtedly, a term of respect, since many people often claim themselves to
|
||||
be dudes. In fact, a super-elite person is often referred to as a "cool dude."
|
||||
I know you must be saying to yourself, "But how can I become a Cool Dude?"
|
||||
Well, here are some guidelines:
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes don't leech.
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes don't keep their disks in a cardboard box.
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes know how to pronounce "DOS".
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes never talk like: "HAY, D0 U WANT 2 XFER W/ME L8R?"
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes are over 15 years of age.
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes don't bitch at someone for a typo.
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes drink lots of beer.
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes NEVER drink "L.A." beer.
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes do not refer to a dictionary every five minutes while
|
||||
typing in a message.
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes don't leave their computers idle for more than 24 hours.
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes don't use their computers 24 hours a day.
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes appreciate it when a sysop gives him a security raise.
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes don't buy cracked wares, or any wares, for that matter.
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes don't sell cracked wares, they trade for them.
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes don't trade "ware-for-ware."
|
||||
|
||||
Cool dudes type at least 50 words a minute.
|
||||
|
||||
Download complete
|
||||
|
||||
Download which 1-11 0=List <CR>=Quit:10
|
||||
|
||||
A)scii, E)xit, X)modem ?A
|
||||
|
||||
Press <CR> to begin
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
|
||||
*- -*
|
||||
-* BEAGLE TIP BOOK #3 *-
|
||||
*- -*
|
||||
-* PRESENTED BY BETS C. *-
|
||||
*- -*
|
||||
-*APPLE MANOR (716) 654-POOF!*-
|
||||
*- -*
|
||||
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
|
||||
PROGRAMMABLE RESET
|
||||
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
|
||||
|
||||
There are a couple of pokes you A
|
||||
|
||||
Press <CR> to begin
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Murphy's Computer Laws
|
||||
----------------------
|
||||
Courtesy of: The Snark
|
||||
|
||||
Laws of Computer Programming
|
||||
----------------------------
|
||||
1. There is always one more bug.
|
||||
2. Any given program, when running, is
|
||||
obsolete
|
||||
3. If a program is useless, it will
|
||||
have to be documented.
|
||||
4. If a program is useful, it will
|
||||
have to be changed.
|
||||
5. Any program will expand to fill all
|
||||
available memory.
|
||||
6. The value of a program is
|
||||
proportional to the weight of its
|
||||
output.
|
||||
7. Program complexity grows until it
|
||||
exceeds the capability of the
|
||||
programmer to maintain it.
|
||||
8. Make it possible for programmers to
|
||||
write in English and you will find
|
||||
out that programmers cannot write
|
||||
in English.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Weinberg's Law
|
||||
--------------
|
||||
|
||||
If builders built buildings the way
|
||||
programmers wrote programs, then the
|
||||
first woodpecker that came along would
|
||||
destroy civilization.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Hare's Law of Large Programs
|
||||
----------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Inside every large program is a
|
||||
small program struggling to get out.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Troutman's Programming Laws
|
||||
---------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
1. If a test installation functions
|
||||
perfectly, all subsequent systems
|
||||
will malfunction.
|
||||
2. Not until a program has been in
|
||||
production for at least six months
|
||||
will the most harmful error then
|
||||
be discovered.
|
||||
3. Job control cards that cannot be
|
||||
arranged in improper order will be.
|
||||
4. Interchangeable tapes won't
|
||||
5. If the input editor has been
|
||||
designed to reject all bad input,
|
||||
an ingenious idiot will discover a
|
||||
method to get bad data past it.
|
||||
6. Machines work, people should think.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Golub's Laws of Computerdom
|
||||
---------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
1. A carelessly planned project takes
|
||||
three times longer to complete than
|
||||
expected; a carefully planned
|
||||
project will take only twice as
|
||||
long.
|
||||
2. The effort required to correct the
|
||||
error increases geometrically with
|
||||
time.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Bradley's Bromide
|
||||
-----------------
|
||||
|
||||
If computers get too powerful, we
|
||||
can organize them into a committee --
|
||||
that will do them in.
|
||||
|
||||
......................
|
||||
180
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/unrealus.hum
Normal file
180
textfiles.com/humor/REAL/unrealus.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,180 @@
|
||||
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
|
||||
(( ))
|
||||
(( The Real User ))
|
||||
(( + ))
|
||||
(( The Unreal User ))
|
||||
(( ))
|
||||
(( ))
|
||||
(( By Floppie Freddie ))
|
||||
(( ))
|
||||
(( and ))
|
||||
(( ))
|
||||
(( Scarface ))
|
||||
(( ))
|
||||
(( ))
|
||||
(( The Fifth Precinct ))
|
||||
(( [502] 245-8270 ))
|
||||
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
|
||||
|
||||
Since the time we both started running AE lines, out of our 900 users, 700 of
|
||||
them were idiots. The Puds of telecommunication. So we decided to write a file
|
||||
dedicated to these idiots.
|
||||
|
||||
Here are a few tips on how to tell the real user apart from the unreal user.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
A Real User:
|
||||
|
||||
Knows what an AE line is and doesnt call and ask "Is this where the bbs is?"
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
An unreal user:
|
||||
|
||||
Logs on as fifty different handles and often has wars with himself (or
|
||||
herself). Often this person will leave one of his other handles E-mail so when
|
||||
he logs on it will say:
|
||||
|
||||
(You have E-mail waiting)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
A Real User:
|
||||
|
||||
doesnt call the same BBS five times a day and pushes 'C' at least 20 times.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
An unreal user:
|
||||
|
||||
When chatting with the sysop is continuously brown-nosing and trying to make
|
||||
the sysop think he is something he is'nt and asking for sysop's access or "What
|
||||
is the back door, you can tell me."
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
A Real User:
|
||||
|
||||
Phreaks when calling out of his local zone.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
An unreal user:
|
||||
|
||||
Thinks that phreaking is going out on a weekend and going to a girls house.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
A Real User:
|
||||
|
||||
Is not impressed when he calls a board and dosn't get amazed when he sees a
|
||||
spinning cursor or backspace.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
An unreal user:
|
||||
|
||||
Calls a Catsend line with AE and wonders why nothing happens.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
A Real User:
|
||||
|
||||
Has a real handle.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
An unreal user:
|
||||
|
||||
Has a handle like:
|
||||
|
||||
"Poppa Smurf"
|
||||
"Cream Puff"
|
||||
"`Pencil Necked Geek`"
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
A Real User:
|
||||
|
||||
Posts messages on the latest cracks or phreaks.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
An unreal user:
|
||||
|
||||
Calls boards like Ed Gelbs GBBS and thinks its the greatest board ever, and
|
||||
wants one just like it.
|
||||
|
||||
A Real User:
|
||||
|
||||
Doesn't log on to fifty boards and loose forty of his passwords.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
An unreal user:
|
||||
|
||||
Calls back a BBS after it tells him or her "This is the last call you can make
|
||||
for today."
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
A Real User:
|
||||
|
||||
Is logged on to boards with other real users not like "Ben D. Over"
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
An unreal user:
|
||||
|
||||
Watches the entire logon message when he calls.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
A Real User:
|
||||
|
||||
Doesn't try to log onto BBS's with one drive and two sub-boards.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
An unreal user:
|
||||
|
||||
Starts wars with the sysop and wonders "Why has my password been deleted?"
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
A Real User:
|
||||
|
||||
Knows what a Cat is.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
An unreal user:
|
||||
|
||||
Thinks a Cat is a furry four legged creature.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
A Real User:
|
||||
|
||||
Doesn't use his real name when logging onto a board.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
An unreal user:
|
||||
|
||||
Doesn't log onto a board with more than one name so when the time runs out he
|
||||
can call back and have more time.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
A Real User:
|
||||
|
||||
Has a real computer not like Texas Instruments or Commodore.
|
||||
|
||||
An unreal user:
|
||||
|
||||
When learns how to phreak, phreaks in his own toll free zone.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
A Real User:
|
||||
|
||||
Doesn't sit by his computer all day and wait to see if his password has been
|
||||
validated.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
An unreal user:
|
||||
|
||||
Thinks that the 'Back Door' is somehting on a house.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
A Real User:
|
||||
|
||||
Doesn't leave feedback to the sysop every time he calls.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
An unreal user:
|
||||
|
||||
Doesn't have a printer and tries to list out the BBS list of his local crap
|
||||
board.
|
||||
---------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
54
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES.1
Normal file
54
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES.1
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,54 @@
|
||||
<HTML>
|
||||
<TITLE>T E X T F I L E S</TITLE>
|
||||
<BODY BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#00FF00" LINK="#00FF00" ALINK="#00AA00" VLINK="#00AA00">
|
||||
<H1>Humor Files: Tag Lines and One-Liners</H1>
|
||||
<P>
|
||||
Among the most popular approaches to humor in the BBS world and Internet
|
||||
has been the clever, witty, gets-you-in-the-back one-liner or "tag line",
|
||||
which contains an amount of humor way out of proportion to the statement
|
||||
that generates it. It's one thing to chuckle a few times when you read
|
||||
a multi-page story, but it's impressive to laugh out loud at a single sentence.
|
||||
Here's a collection of those single sentences.
|
||||
|
||||
<P>
|
||||
<TABLE WIDTH=100%>
|
||||
<TD BGCOLOR=#00FF00><FONT COLOR=#000000><B>Filename</B><BR></FONT></TD>
|
||||
<TD BGCOLOR=#00DD00><FONT COLOR=#000000><B>Size</B><BR></FONT></TD>
|
||||
<TD BGCOLOR=#00AA00><FONT COLOR=#000000><B>Description of the Textfile</B><BR></TD></TR>
|
||||
|
||||
<tab indent=60 id=T><br>
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/1liners.cap">1liners.cap</A> <tab to=T><TD> 57783<BR><TD> Extremely Large Collection of One-Liners
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/ansafone.txt">ansafone.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 43174<BR><TD> A Collection of Funny Answering Machine Messages
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/aphorism.txt">aphorism.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 6868<BR><TD> Some General Profundities, Witticisms and General Wisdom
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/bbob">bbob</A> <tab to=T><TD> 2807<BR><TD> Collection of One-Liners from BOB
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/blake.txt">blake.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 2248<BR><TD> Blakeisms: Quotes from William Blake
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/bonehead.txt">bonehead.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 16338<BR><TD> Steve's Big List of Quotes
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/cookie.2">cookie.2</A> <tab to=T><TD> 45023<BR><TD> The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 2
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/cookie.3">cookie.3</A> <tab to=T><TD> 49756<BR><TD> The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 3
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/cookie.4">cookie.4</A> <tab to=T><TD> 38238<BR><TD> The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 4
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/cookie.5">cookie.5</A> <tab to=T><TD> 46978<BR><TD> The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 5
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/cookie.6">cookie.6</A> <tab to=T><TD> 32646<BR><TD> The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 6
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/cookie.7">cookie.7</A> <tab to=T><TD> 41825<BR><TD> The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 7
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/cute.say">cute.say</A> <tab to=T><TD> 4793<BR><TD> A Collection of Cute Sayings from Michael J. Irvin (August 7, 1989)
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/fdt">fdt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 4120<BR><TD> Some Taglines Seen on the SuperDuperInfoHighway and Byways
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/found.hum">found.hum</A> <tab to=T><TD> 27482<BR><TD> Collection of Amusing Quips, Quotes and Stories
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/fudd.txt">fudd.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 5069<BR><TD> A Collection of Elmer Fuddified Sayings and Taglines
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/grouchy.txt">grouchy.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 31514<BR><TD> Some Quotes from Various People
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/misc_pro.quo">misc_pro.quo</A> <tab to=T><TD> 3754<BR><TD> Miscellaneous Programmer Quotes
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/morequot.jok">morequot.jok</A> <tab to=T><TD> 1479<BR><TD> Quotes from Lecturers at Cambridge University
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/oscar.wil">oscar.wil</A> <tab to=T><TD> 982<BR><TD> Quotes of Oscar Wilde
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/quoterwz.txt">quoterwz.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 43083<BR><TD> The Big Ol' Quotes File
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/quotes-1.txt">quotes-1.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 46721<BR><TD> Large Collection of Jokes and Quotes
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/quotes-2.txt">quotes-2.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 55855<BR><TD> Second Part to the Large Collection of Jokes and Quotes
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/quotes.bug">quotes.bug</A> <tab to=T><TD> 2384<BR><TD> Collection of Lesser Known Quotes from the Engineers of Hewlett Packard
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/quotes.frt">quotes.frt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 102576<BR><TD> Large Collection of Funny Quotes
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/quotes.hum">quotes.hum</A> <tab to=T><TD> 24619<BR><TD> Some Random Quotes from Around the World
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/quotes.jok">quotes.jok</A> <tab to=T><TD> 16782<BR><TD> Collection of Interesting Quotes from All Over
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/quotes.txt">quotes.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 35079<BR><TD> Some Quotes from the Usenet Newsgroup "rec.arts.comics"
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/quotes2.hum">quotes2.hum</A> <tab to=T><TD> 23381<BR><TD> Some Additional Random Quotes From Around the World
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/quotes2.txt">quotes2.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 15244<BR><TD> Very Large Collection of Historical Quotes
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/random.txt">random.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 4250<BR><TD> Random Assortment of Taglines
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/taglines.txt">taglines.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 25856<BR><TD> Alphabetized Collection of Computer-Oriented Taglines
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="TAGLINES/text.txt">text.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 98645<BR><TD> Large Collection of Quotes
|
||||
</TABLE><P><TABLE WIDTH=100%><TR><TD ALIGN=RIGHT><SMALL>There are 33 files for a total of 957,352 bytes.</SMALL></TABLE></BODY>
|
||||
</HTML>
|
||||
54
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/.windex.html
Normal file
54
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/.windex.html
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,54 @@
|
||||
<HTML>
|
||||
<TITLE>T E X T F I L E S</TITLE>
|
||||
<BODY BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#000000" LINK="#000000" ALINK="#004400" VLINK="#004400">
|
||||
<H1>Humor Files: Tag Lines and One-Liners</H1>
|
||||
<P>
|
||||
Among the most popular approaches to humor in the BBS world and Internet
|
||||
has been the clever, witty, gets-you-in-the-back one-liner or "tag line",
|
||||
which contains an amount of humor way out of proportion to the statement
|
||||
that generates it. It's one thing to chuckle a few times when you read
|
||||
a multi-page story, but it's impressive to laugh out loud at a single sentence.
|
||||
Here's a collection of those single sentences.
|
||||
|
||||
<P>
|
||||
<TABLE WIDTH=100%>
|
||||
<TD BGCOLOR=#000000><FONT COLOR=#FFFFFF><B>Filename</B><BR></FONT></TD>
|
||||
<TD BGCOLOR=#002200><FONT COLOR=#FFFFFF><B>Size</B><BR></FONT></TD>
|
||||
<TD BGCOLOR=#004400><FONT COLOR=#FFFFFF><B>Description of the Textfile</B><BR></TD></TR>
|
||||
|
||||
<tab indent=60 id=T><br>
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="1liners.cap">1liners.cap</A> <tab to=T><TD> 57783<BR><TD> Extremely Large Collection of One-Liners
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="ansafone.txt">ansafone.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 43174<BR><TD> A Collection of Funny Answering Machine Messages
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="aphorism.txt">aphorism.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 6868<BR><TD> Some General Profundities, Witticisms and General Wisdom
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="bbob">bbob</A> <tab to=T><TD> 2807<BR><TD> Collection of One-Liners from BOB
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="blake.txt">blake.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 2248<BR><TD> Blakeisms: Quotes from William Blake
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="bonehead.txt">bonehead.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 16338<BR><TD> Steve's Big List of Quotes
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="cookie.2">cookie.2</A> <tab to=T><TD> 45023<BR><TD> The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 2
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="cookie.3">cookie.3</A> <tab to=T><TD> 49756<BR><TD> The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 3
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="cookie.4">cookie.4</A> <tab to=T><TD> 38238<BR><TD> The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 4
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="cookie.5">cookie.5</A> <tab to=T><TD> 46978<BR><TD> The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 5
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="cookie.6">cookie.6</A> <tab to=T><TD> 32646<BR><TD> The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 6
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="cookie.7">cookie.7</A> <tab to=T><TD> 41825<BR><TD> The Fortune Cookie File from Karl Lehenbauer (January 14, 1989) Part 7
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="cute.say">cute.say</A> <tab to=T><TD> 4793<BR><TD> A Collection of Cute Sayings from Michael J. Irvin (August 7, 1989)
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="fdt">fdt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 4120<BR><TD> Some Taglines Seen on the SuperDuperInfoHighway and Byways
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="found.hum">found.hum</A> <tab to=T><TD> 27482<BR><TD> Collection of Amusing Quips, Quotes and Stories
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="fudd.txt">fudd.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 5069<BR><TD> A Collection of Elmer Fuddified Sayings and Taglines
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="grouchy.txt">grouchy.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 31514<BR><TD> Some Quotes from Various People
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="misc_pro.quo">misc_pro.quo</A> <tab to=T><TD> 3754<BR><TD> Miscellaneous Programmer Quotes
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="morequot.jok">morequot.jok</A> <tab to=T><TD> 1479<BR><TD> Quotes from Lecturers at Cambridge University
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="oscar.wil">oscar.wil</A> <tab to=T><TD> 982<BR><TD> Quotes of Oscar Wilde
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="quoterwz.txt">quoterwz.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 43083<BR><TD> The Big Ol' Quotes File
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="quotes-1.txt">quotes-1.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 46721<BR><TD> Large Collection of Jokes and Quotes
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="quotes-2.txt">quotes-2.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 55855<BR><TD> Second Part to the Large Collection of Jokes and Quotes
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="quotes.bug">quotes.bug</A> <tab to=T><TD> 2384<BR><TD> Collection of Lesser Known Quotes from the Engineers of Hewlett Packard
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="quotes.frt">quotes.frt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 102576<BR><TD> Large Collection of Funny Quotes
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="quotes.hum">quotes.hum</A> <tab to=T><TD> 24619<BR><TD> Some Random Quotes from Around the World
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="quotes.jok">quotes.jok</A> <tab to=T><TD> 16782<BR><TD> Collection of Interesting Quotes from All Over
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="quotes.txt">quotes.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 35079<BR><TD> Some Quotes from the Usenet Newsgroup "rec.arts.comics"
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="quotes2.hum">quotes2.hum</A> <tab to=T><TD> 23381<BR><TD> Some Additional Random Quotes From Around the World
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="quotes2.txt">quotes2.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 15244<BR><TD> Very Large Collection of Historical Quotes
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="random.txt">random.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 4250<BR><TD> Random Assortment of Taglines
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="taglines.txt">taglines.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 25856<BR><TD> Alphabetized Collection of Computer-Oriented Taglines
|
||||
<TR VALIGN=TOP><TD ALIGN=TOP><A HREF="text.txt">text.txt</A> <tab to=T><TD> 98645<BR><TD> Large Collection of Quotes
|
||||
</TABLE><P><TABLE WIDTH=100%><TR><TD ALIGN=RIGHT><SMALL>There are 33 files for a total of 957,352 bytes.</SMALL></TABLE></BODY>
|
||||
</HTML>
|
||||
1648
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/1liners.cap
Normal file
1648
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/1liners.cap
Normal file
File diff suppressed because it is too large
Load Diff
981
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/ansafone.txt
Normal file
981
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/ansafone.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,981 @@
|
||||
Complements of NAC-Jack BBS from USENET
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Last week I requested answering machine messages. Here are the ones I've
|
||||
gotten so far:
|
||||
|
||||
[I haven't posted names of originators because I'm lazy and editing this was
|
||||
already a pain. Sorry.]
|
||||
|
||||
Ron
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
This is one of my old ones that got a lot of laughs:
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
<Phone Rings>
|
||||
|
||||
Noisy pick-up of phone
|
||||
|
||||
Uh...<wisperingly> Hello?
|
||||
|
||||
Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine.
|
||||
If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige
|
||||
where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message.
|
||||
Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone
|
||||
at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and
|
||||
then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message.
|
||||
Feh!
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
[Must have good Australian accent]
|
||||
G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with
|
||||
this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
|
||||
number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word
|
||||
is supercilious ...}
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name,
|
||||
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret
|
||||
password.
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal,
|
||||
and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was:
|
||||
"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message."
|
||||
Really confused people.
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
|
||||
in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the
|
||||
future....
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Hello. I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND
|
||||
ON THAT--goddam. ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over
|
||||
<loud music cuts in>...BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for
|
||||
dinner. After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL!
|
||||
...shit...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD...<beep>
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking.
|
||||
I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and
|
||||
Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Hi! You have reached 579-7599. This is an answering machine. This is the
|
||||
Eighties. You know what to do."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
|
||||
your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Ring, Ring:
|
||||
The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the
|
||||
new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
|
||||
(your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's
|
||||
spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a
|
||||
rather interesting one:
|
||||
|
||||
Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and
|
||||
MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss
|
||||
and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a
|
||||
messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye {byes repeating
|
||||
at all different pitches}
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing
|
||||
message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we
|
||||
usually used during exam time was:
|
||||
|
||||
{background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud}
|
||||
Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now...
|
||||
{ BJ screams PRESSURE!!! }
|
||||
So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end
|
||||
date)
|
||||
{ BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! }
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded
|
||||
off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great
|
||||
recording (call after 5 pm for the message).
|
||||
|
||||
[Give it try! -pZ]
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
<Ring>
|
||||
In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans.
|
||||
|
||||
<Husky, Soft female voice is best> Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure
|
||||
palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'll
|
||||
get back to you in whatever way we can. <Beep>
|
||||
|
||||
You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one...
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
[b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented]
|
||||
"hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer
|
||||
because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave
|
||||
a message..." etc.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
[the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush]
|
||||
(after about 30 seconds): "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx.
|
||||
we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers.
|
||||
please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before
|
||||
the beep.)
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
(Spoken in a granny voice)
|
||||
|
||||
"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like
|
||||
no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody
|
||||
got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay
|
||||
it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a
|
||||
lot."
|
||||
|
||||
Must be spoken in a drawl.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but...
|
||||
>From Calvin and Hobbes:
|
||||
|
||||
(phone rings)
|
||||
(you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza
|
||||
with extra anchovies.
|
||||
(other person) What?
|
||||
(you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
|
||||
(hang up)
|
||||
|
||||
Make everyone's day a little more surreal.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking
|
||||
and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise,
|
||||
well, what can I say?
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.
|
||||
[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex]
|
||||
But this method doesn't work with a telephone call...
|
||||
[sound effect: dial tone]
|
||||
Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops,
|
||||
it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay?
|
||||
Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you
|
||||
hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a
|
||||
message and if we like it we will return your call".
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day
|
||||
per year: "This is David. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please
|
||||
leave a message or call back after the holiday." No one wants to admit not
|
||||
having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from
|
||||
the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves
|
||||
me no bad news or requests for favors.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"This is David. Talk."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a
|
||||
sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely.
|
||||
When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
[with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...]
|
||||
"Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead
|
||||
reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name
|
||||
and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds,
|
||||
I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your
|
||||
name and number..."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Hello?" <pause for a few seconds> "Sorry, he's not here right now,
|
||||
but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
(woman taped off a "phone sex" service)
|
||||
|
||||
WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely
|
||||
when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ...
|
||||
|
||||
YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone..
|
||||
(then ask for a message)
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine:
|
||||
|
||||
"Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we
|
||||
were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a
|
||||
message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually." BEEP
|
||||
|
||||
My favorite post quake message:
|
||||
|
||||
"Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING!
|
||||
Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet.
|
||||
If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you.
|
||||
Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage
|
||||
with a vacuum cleaner."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just
|
||||
a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to
|
||||
click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back
|
||||
to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!...
|
||||
uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please
|
||||
leave a message and I'll call you back.
|
||||
|
||||
(this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after
|
||||
she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather
|
||||
reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call
|
||||
first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the
|
||||
phone with:
|
||||
" Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
|
||||
" Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)
|
||||
" Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
|
||||
" Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
|
||||
T minus one minute and counting"
|
||||
And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of
|
||||
the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with
|
||||
that phone.
|
||||
"Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there
|
||||
is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on
|
||||
screen?" (silence...click)
|
||||
"Van
|
||||
couver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are
|
||||
phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had
|
||||
managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for
|
||||
beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely,
|
||||
horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
|
||||
IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING
|
||||
BETTER."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Hi this is <name>. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
|
||||
Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music
|
||||
<In a soft voice> Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession.
|
||||
At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get
|
||||
back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. <Beep>
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone
|
||||
right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll
|
||||
have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in
|
||||
next week's National Enquirer."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right
|
||||
now, but if you leave your name ...", etc.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
(Annoying flute music in background)
|
||||
Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now.
|
||||
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name,
|
||||
number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct
|
||||
in thirty seconds.
|
||||
Good Luck, Jim.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while
|
||||
the STAR TREK theme plays in the background.
|
||||
1: Room 17, the final frontier.
|
||||
2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its 2 semester
|
||||
mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number.
|
||||
3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
|
||||
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's
|
||||
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment,
|
||||
please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking)
|
||||
Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
|
||||
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
|
||||
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
|
||||
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
|
||||
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
|
||||
Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
|
||||
Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing
|
||||
with that frying pan?!?
|
||||
BONK [really loud thud]
|
||||
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
[imitating Mr. Rogers]
|
||||
"Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone.
|
||||
Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
|
||||
Sure...I knew you could." <BEEP>
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
[imitating Ensign Chekov]
|
||||
"Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say things...do things...he
|
||||
kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you
|
||||
leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as
|
||||
he can!" <BEEP>
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"You have reached the <city>,<state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear
|
||||
Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right
|
||||
now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of
|
||||
targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please
|
||||
leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express
|
||||
account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now
|
||||
because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made
|
||||
up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the
|
||||
resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.
|
||||
So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my
|
||||
component particles have been restored to their normal charges."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Speak, worm!" <beep>
|
||||
Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"You know what to do at the tone." <beep>
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Hello?" <beep>
|
||||
This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Hello, I'm not here." <beep>
|
||||
A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with
|
||||
"Okay, that's all I wanted to know."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now.
|
||||
If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah,
|
||||
that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris
|
||||
is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one
|
||||
else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president.
|
||||
Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. <beep>
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
One voice: I didn't expect an answering machine.
|
||||
|
||||
Another voice:
|
||||
Nobody expects an answrering machine.
|
||||
Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number.
|
||||
Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And
|
||||
message. (damn)
|
||||
Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and
|
||||
message. And time you called.
|
||||
Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No--no time for that, so
|
||||
just wait for the beep.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
(in an Italian mafia-style tone:)
|
||||
"Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to
|
||||
stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a
|
||||
little... <aside> HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name
|
||||
and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, _you'll_hear_
|
||||
from_Guido! ( a little laughter )... "
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental accompaniment)
|
||||
I just left home baby
|
||||
I'll be out fer a spell
|
||||
and if you don't leave a message baby
|
||||
you can go to <BEEP>
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Hello, this is <insert your name here>. I'm home right now, and in
|
||||
a few moments, I'll have a decision to make.
|
||||
BEEEP!
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
[Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.]
|
||||
You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't
|
||||
come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the
|
||||
refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and
|
||||
we'll get back to you.
|
||||
[Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.]
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
|
||||
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
|
||||
your message to myself with one of these magnets.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a
|
||||
kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes:
|
||||
|
||||
The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power
|
||||
supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up
|
||||
before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry
|
||||
the kitty. The choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
|
||||
THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES...... ~~~
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
|
||||
Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... bear
|
||||
a... er... shalt not witness thy... uh... neighbor's ass,
|
||||
oh, I mean, false... er... shalt not commit a bear... dern...
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand
|
||||
the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens
|
||||
if I touch this... YOW!!
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
|
||||
to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
|
||||
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
|
||||
it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
|
||||
listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so
|
||||
confusing.
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone
|
||||
you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet
|
||||
you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes
|
||||
indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can
|
||||
listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for
|
||||
you...
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it!
|
||||
Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about
|
||||
it!... Don't...!
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
|
||||
the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
|
||||
come out of hiding.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting
|
||||
down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
|
||||
reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... the
|
||||
telephone is next to an answering machine... you hear a faint
|
||||
click and a light flashes on the answering machine... you hear
|
||||
a beep...
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
|
||||
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and
|
||||
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
|
||||
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
|
||||
message.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No!
|
||||
Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep!
|
||||
AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine
|
||||
Broadcast System. This is only a test.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin
|
||||
Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
|
||||
Leave a message... leave a message... etc.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone
|
||||
right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
|
||||
then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
|
||||
mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother...
|
||||
unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as
|
||||
soon as possible.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
[For Shakespeare lovers only]
|
||||
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
|
||||
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
|
||||
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
|
||||
basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If
|
||||
you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
|
||||
handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you
|
||||
need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the
|
||||
Treasury, please ignore this message.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's
|
||||
not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
|
||||
confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as
|
||||
soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless
|
||||
you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15
|
||||
minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you
|
||||
weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the
|
||||
way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good
|
||||
boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
|
||||
beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
|
||||
stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if
|
||||
you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
|
||||
something about myself. Thanks.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
|
||||
brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
|
||||
assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes
|
||||
are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll
|
||||
have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Ok, One more time...
|
||||
This is our answering machine...
|
||||
This is the message on our answering machine...
|
||||
...Any questions?
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry,
|
||||
I must have dialed the wrong number.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
<beep, beep, beep>
|
||||
The number you have reached,
|
||||
Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four.
|
||||
[Use your number here.]
|
||||
has not been disconnected and is still in service.
|
||||
Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
HANS: This is Hans
|
||||
|
||||
FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to...
|
||||
|
||||
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
|
||||
|
||||
HANS: But we are not at home, you know
|
||||
|
||||
FRANZ: Ya, we are gone
|
||||
|
||||
HANS: If you want us to...
|
||||
|
||||
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
|
||||
|
||||
HANS: You will leave a message after the beep
|
||||
|
||||
FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman.
|
||||
|
||||
HANS: Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know
|
||||
|
||||
FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to..
|
||||
|
||||
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY!
|
||||
|
||||
They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
|
||||
somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where
|
||||
*YOU* saw Elvis!"
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where
|
||||
you can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering
|
||||
in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a
|
||||
power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest
|
||||
secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority
|
||||
girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not
|
||||
I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live.
|
||||
Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the
|
||||
beep. "
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: "I'm sorry, you have reached an
|
||||
imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety
|
||||
degrees and try your call again."
|
||||
|
||||
A few people even got the joke...
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center.
|
||||
Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey.
|
||||
TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume
|
||||
incoming, non-important."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Lucifer speaking, who in the hall do you want?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Heaven, God speaking."
|
||||
|
||||
"Bridge, Kirk here."
|
||||
|
||||
"City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are
|
||||
able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name,
|
||||
telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they
|
||||
here a busy signal."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
If you are a burgler, then we are probably at home but can't come
|
||||
to the phone right now
|
||||
Otherwise, we probably aren't at home.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again!
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
This is you-know who.
|
||||
We are you-know-where.
|
||||
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
" I'm Morley Safer."
|
||||
"I'm Harry Reasoner."
|
||||
"I'm ........
|
||||
"And I'm" <the guy whose answering machine it was>
|
||||
" We're not home; leave a message."
|
||||
|
||||
He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded
|
||||
very funny.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films
|
||||
Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen
|
||||
tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John
|
||||
Holmes in our upcoming feature film "It's Not the Size That Counts but
|
||||
Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a
|
||||
screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age,
|
||||
phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work
|
||||
experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your
|
||||
favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of
|
||||
Cool Whip. Thank you for calling."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch
|
||||
and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound
|
||||
like the machine is broken:
|
||||
|
||||
(start, low pitch, slow)
|
||||
"Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy....
|
||||
|
||||
(middle, normal)
|
||||
..home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home...
|
||||
|
||||
(later, high pitch, fast)
|
||||
..butifyou'dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...
|
||||
|
||||
(end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish)
|
||||
..kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!"
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
|
||||
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
|
||||
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
|
||||
you, and I'll think about returning your call.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
"E'llo."
|
||||
"My name is Inigo Montonya."
|
||||
"You killed my father."
|
||||
"Leave your name and number, and prepare to die."
|
||||
<beep>
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also
|
||||
from this movie. My friend recorded the section that goes something
|
||||
like:
|
||||
|
||||
"I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you
|
||||
to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This
|
||||
is for posterity."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga's
|
||||
speech sythesizer. It's set up as a dialog between two distict, but
|
||||
recognizably artificial voices. I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but
|
||||
have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it.
|
||||
-----
|
||||
1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
|
||||
|
||||
2> Yeah, nobody but us machines!
|
||||
|
||||
1> Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave
|
||||
your name and telephone number...
|
||||
|
||||
2> ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
|
||||
|
||||
1> Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you
|
||||
hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people
|
||||
get back.
|
||||
|
||||
2> ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
I taped theoperator saying "we're sorry. The number you have reached
|
||||
has been disconnected or is no longer is service..."
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
From Halloween this year:
|
||||
|
||||
(Ominous electronic background music.)
|
||||
|
||||
Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform
|
||||
an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh,
|
||||
unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by?
|
||||
SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
(French monologue in the background)
|
||||
|
||||
Around the world today, millions still speak French as either
|
||||
a first or second language. But with your continued support
|
||||
and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave
|
||||
a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone
|
||||
tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can
|
||||
talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please
|
||||
leave your credit card number at the tone...
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge
|
||||
drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets
|
||||
you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone,
|
||||
and thank you for your pledge.
|
||||
|
||||
------------------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
(click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
|
||||
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
|
||||
later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to
|
||||
use the sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal
|
||||
and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
|
||||
consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists
|
||||
will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the
|
||||
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
|
||||
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
|
||||
Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)
|
||||
|
||||
Message: Hi this is Craig's car phone. Craig's at home now, so you can try
|
||||
calling him there or leave a message after the beep.
|
||||
|
||||
Caller's message: Hmmm. Car phone!?! I'll call back later when your out.
|
||||
|
||||
Every now and then we are all pestered by these high-tech telemarketing
|
||||
companies where the sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some kind.
|
||||
The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you
|
||||
alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again.
|
||||
|
||||
One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her
|
||||
answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was
|
||||
hilarious, as it consisted of two machines talking to each other
|
||||
without having the slightest idea about what each other was saying.
|
||||
The conversation wound up in an endless loop, as follows:
|
||||
|
||||
[PHONE] *RING*
|
||||
|
||||
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message.
|
||||
BEEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone
|
||||
survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please
|
||||
speak plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it.
|
||||
First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
(The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought
|
||||
|
||||
it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.)
|
||||
|
||||
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222.
|
||||
Is that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct?
|
||||
BEEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------]
|
||||
|
||||
[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
|
||||
|
||||
[---------------------END LOOP -----------------------]
|
||||
|
||||
My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for
|
||||
over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on.
|
||||
When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children,
|
||||
all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The
|
||||
computer never called again.
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
I had a friend who liked to play with the phones. He got his girlfriend
|
||||
to sound like an operator and make a tape saying:
|
||||
"I'm sorry, the number that has dialed you is not in service. Will
|
||||
you please hang up and let it dial again...<crackle> I'm sorry, the..."
|
||||
He had a lot of fun calling people up and playing it.
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
I once answered the phone as follows.
|
||||
" San Luis Obispo Police, Sergeant McCallahan here, may I help you?"
|
||||
After about five seconds of dead air, I heard a click. About five minutes
|
||||
later, the phone rang again. This time my roomate answered. It was the same
|
||||
person that had called a few minutes earlier. It turned out that the long
|
||||
delay between calls was due to the fact that he had to mooch a quarter for his
|
||||
next call. He was at a public phone booth and had used his last quarter to
|
||||
call us. I don't think he talked civil to me for a week...
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
My grandmother had been bothered by calls coming in after midnight,
|
||||
waking her, and forcing her out of bed and across the house to answer.
|
||||
Invariably, they were from the same man, seemingly slightly intoxicated,
|
||||
with bar-crowd noises in the background. He wanted to speak to Peggy,
|
||||
whoever that was, and my grand mother would tell him there was no Peggy
|
||||
living there, and that he must have the wrong number. But he wouldn't
|
||||
believe her, and kept insisting, begging, pleading, etc. to talk to
|
||||
Peggy. My Grandmother would have to just hang up finally.
|
||||
This went on for a few days, and late one night, when the phone rang,
|
||||
my Grandfather held back his wife, and said, "I'll take care of this", and
|
||||
got out of bed to answer the phone. The ensuing conversation was short and
|
||||
quick, and went something like this:
|
||||
"Hello?"
|
||||
"Hello, Can I speak to Peggy?"
|
||||
"No, I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone right now-- she's nursing
|
||||
the baby."
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Here's my favorite, for calling large offices and idiots-in-general:
|
||||
"Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
My solution is upon realizing that I'm talking with a "telemarketing
|
||||
representative", I ask: "Are you a telemarketer?" The answer
|
||||
(suprisingly) is usually yes. I then go into a sales pitch to
|
||||
sell a (nonexistant) telephone ear-cusion.
|
||||
I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort.
|
||||
Eventually, they'll forget to try selling me anything.
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
A recent posting by Duke McMullan requested ways to repel telephone
|
||||
solicitors. My friend Pepe Tres from Texas told me this one and gave
|
||||
permission to post it:
|
||||
"My time is billed at $125 per hour. To continue this
|
||||
conversation, I must have your MasterCard or Visa number, card
|
||||
type and date of expiration."
|
||||
Pepe says it usually leaves them speechless. One guy replied, "Hey,
|
||||
that's good; I'll have to remember it." Once a supervisor of
|
||||
telephone solicitors called back and asked him if he was "some kind of
|
||||
high-powered lawyer."
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Everybody gets and dials wrong numbers. It's good to be nice about it. What
|
||||
goes around comes around, right? so, I try to reassure the apologetic and
|
||||
embarrassed wrong dialers that will actually converse once the error is
|
||||
discovered, with it going something like this:
|
||||
|
||||
caller w. wrong number: "Gee, I'm sorry..."
|
||||
me: "That's OK, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.."
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
How about the 'Fraudian Slip Answer'? Like this:
|
||||
|
||||
<Whoever> here. What can I do to-----I MEAN-----FOR you?
|
||||
|
||||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Try the following next time the phone rings:
|
||||
|
||||
You (when you answer): Hello, is Jimmy there?
|
||||
|
||||
Caller: No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number.
|
||||
|
||||
You: Oh. Sorry.
|
||||
|
||||
Caller: No problem... (click)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
239
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/aphorism.txt
Normal file
239
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/aphorism.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,239 @@
|
||||
PROFUNDITIES, WITTICISMS AND GENERAL WISDOM
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
|
||||
Addendum; a Smith and Wesson beats four aces. (Canada Bill Jones)
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
A pipe gives a wise man time to think
|
||||
And a fool something to put in his mouth.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Whatever goes around, comes around.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
There is only one right way for a machine to run. The number of
|
||||
ways it can go wrong is so infinite that every operating
|
||||
engineer lives in constant terror.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
ON WAR
|
||||
|
||||
Don't rejoice at the defeat, you men,
|
||||
Now that you have killed the bastard.
|
||||
The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
ON DYING - REMEMBRANCE
|
||||
|
||||
Bring back my name
|
||||
On wings of flame.
|
||||
|
||||
Winds of the plains,
|
||||
Dance once for me.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
SOULS
|
||||
|
||||
They will come back - come back - as long as the red earth rolls.
|
||||
|
||||
He never wasted a leaf or a tree. Do you think he would
|
||||
squander souls?
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
COLD<4C> IRON
|
||||
|
||||
Gold is for the mistress - silver for the maid -
|
||||
Copper for the craftsman, cunning at his trade.
|
||||
But Iron - Cold Iron - is master of them all.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
The number of people who agree or disagree with you has
|
||||
absolutely no bearing on whether you're *right*. The universe
|
||||
has a way of deciding that for itself.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
The truth of any proposition has nothing to do with its
|
||||
credibility...and vice versa.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
ARISTOCRAT'S CODE
|
||||
|
||||
The last thing you want is an educated, affluent and emancipated
|
||||
population. Power hinges on the restriction and control of
|
||||
wealth. Science and technology offer unlimited wealth.
|
||||
Therefore, science and technology have to be controlled.
|
||||
Knowledge and reason are enemies. Myth and unreason are the
|
||||
weapons you fight them with.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
If you don't like yourself, you can't like other people.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as
|
||||
well.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
|
||||
better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Men rarely, if ever, manage to dream up a god superior to
|
||||
themselves. Most gods have the morals and manners of a spoiled
|
||||
child.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the
|
||||
dark.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
An Elephant; A Mouse built to government specifications.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are
|
||||
wiser than one man. How's that again? I missed something.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Autocracy is based on the assumption that one man is wiser than
|
||||
a million men. Let's play that over again too. Who decides?
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Money is the sincerest form of flattery.
|
||||
Women love to be flattered.
|
||||
So do men.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
You live and learn. Or you don't live long.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Only a sadistic scoundrel - or a fool - tells the bald truth on
|
||||
social occasions.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax
|
||||
collectors - and miss.
|
||||
|
||||
PRIESTS
|
||||
|
||||
The profession of shaman has many advantages. It offers high
|
||||
status with a safe livelihood free of work in the dreary, sweaty
|
||||
sense. In most societies it offers legal privileges and
|
||||
immunities not granted to other men. But it is hard to see how
|
||||
a man who has been given a mandate from on High to spread
|
||||
tidings of joy to all mankind can be seriously interested in
|
||||
taking up a collection to pay his salary. It causes one to
|
||||
suspect that the shaman is on the moral level of any other con
|
||||
man. But it's lovely work if you can stomach it.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
'Go to hell!' or other insult direct is all the answer a snoopy
|
||||
question rates.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
A man does not insist on physical beauty in a woman who builds
|
||||
up his morale. After a while he realizes that she *is*
|
||||
beautiful - he just hadn't noticed at first.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Natural laws have no pity.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Political tags - such as royalist, communist, democrat,
|
||||
populist, fascist, liberal, conservative, and so forth - are
|
||||
never basic criteria. The human race divides politically into
|
||||
those who want people to be controlled and those who have no
|
||||
such desire. The former are idealists acting from the highest
|
||||
motives of the greatest good for the greatest number. The
|
||||
latter are surly curmudgeons, suspicious and lacking in
|
||||
altruism. But they are more comfortable neighbors then the
|
||||
other sort.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other
|
||||
'sins' are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful -
|
||||
just stupid.)
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you. If you
|
||||
don't bet, you can't win.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her
|
||||
children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam,
|
||||
keep her from drowning them at birth.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Never appeal to a man's better nature. He may not have one.
|
||||
Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
You can have peace, or you can have freedom. Don't ever count
|
||||
on having both at once.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
A woman is not property. Husbands who think otherwise are
|
||||
living in a dreamworld.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Stupidity is not a sin. The victim can't help being stupid.
|
||||
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or
|
||||
by legislation. But stupidity is the only universal capital
|
||||
crime. The sentence is death; there is no appeal, and
|
||||
execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts 'Of course
|
||||
it's none of my business but...' is to place a period after the
|
||||
word 'but'. Don't use excessive force in supplying such morons
|
||||
with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure
|
||||
and is bound to get you talked about.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important
|
||||
than it is between strangers.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet
|
||||
then your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Argue for your limitations and, sure enough, they're yours.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
You are never given a wish without also being given the power to
|
||||
make it come true. You may have to work for it though.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Here is a test to find out whether your mission on earth is
|
||||
finished; If you're alive, it isn't.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
|
||||
It is not always an easy sacrifice.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
There is no limit to how gently you can apply a big hammer, but
|
||||
there definitely is to how hard you can hit with a small one.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Hey, shit happens!
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
Let he who doubts the existence of God observe the workings of
|
||||
our Government, then ponder the fact that mankind survives and
|
||||
prospers.
|
||||
|
||||
***
|
||||
80
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/bbob
Normal file
80
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/bbob
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,80 @@
|
||||
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
|
||||
|
||||
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
|
||||
|
||||
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
|
||||
|
||||
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
|
||||
|
||||
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
|
||||
|
||||
A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee free.
|
||||
|
||||
If Yoda a great Jedi master he is, why not a good sentence construct can he?
|
||||
|
||||
People will remember you better if you always wear the same outfit.
|
||||
|
||||
He<EFBFBD>s dead, Jim<69> You take his tri-corder and I<>ll search his pockets.
|
||||
|
||||
I don<6F>t like the Smacks cereal commericals; I don<6F>t like the idea of a frog jumping on my breakfast.
|
||||
|
||||
All things are possible<6C> except for skiing through a revolving door.
|
||||
|
||||
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
|
||||
|
||||
Losing your driver<65>s license is just God<6F>s way of saying <20>BOOGA, BOOGA!<21>
|
||||
|
||||
If you love a thing of beauty, set it free. If it doesn<73>t come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
|
||||
|
||||
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I<>ll always have each other.
|
||||
|
||||
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
|
||||
|
||||
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
|
||||
|
||||
Is Sonny really kookoo for Cocoa Puffs, or is he just being paid to say that?
|
||||
|
||||
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
|
||||
|
||||
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
|
||||
|
||||
Parker's Law:
|
||||
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
|
||||
|
||||
Those who can't write, write manuals.
|
||||
|
||||
The brain is a wonderful organ: it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
|
||||
|
||||
You'd be paranoid too if everybody hated you.
|
||||
|
||||
All generalities are false.
|
||||
|
||||
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
|
||||
|
||||
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
|
||||
|
||||
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
|
||||
|
||||
Boob's Law:
|
||||
You always find something in the last place you look.
|
||||
|
||||
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
|
||||
|
||||
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
|
||||
|
||||
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
|
||||
|
||||
It has been said that we only use 15% of our brain. I wonder what we do with the other 75%?
|
||||
|
||||
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
|
||||
|
||||
If you have a difficult task, give it to someone lazy ... that person will find an easier way to do it.
|
||||
|
||||
You know it's going to be a bad day when your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
|
||||
|
||||
The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
65
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/blake.txt
Normal file
65
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/blake.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,65 @@
|
||||
I highly recommend a study of William Blake. You might start with The
|
||||
Marriage of Heaven and Hell.
|
||||
|
||||
More Blakeisms:
|
||||
|
||||
And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair
|
||||
And builds a Hell in Heaven's despite
|
||||
|
||||
The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.
|
||||
He who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence.
|
||||
If the fool would persist in his folly he would become wise.
|
||||
|
||||
Prisons are built with stones of Law,
|
||||
Brothels with bricks of Religion.
|
||||
|
||||
The lust of the goat is the bounty of God.
|
||||
The wrath of the lion is the wisdom of God.
|
||||
The nakedness of woman is the work of God.
|
||||
|
||||
Every thing possible to be believ'd is an image of truth.
|
||||
The tygers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.
|
||||
Every Wolf's & Lion's howl raises from Hell a Human Soul.
|
||||
|
||||
Thy Heaven doors are my Hell Gates;
|
||||
|
||||
Truly, My Satan, thou art but a Dunce
|
||||
|
||||
Now the sneaking serpent walks in mild humility
|
||||
And the just man rages in the wilds where lions roam.
|
||||
|
||||
O Urizen! Creator of men! mistaken Demon of heaven!
|
||||
Mad, he danc'd on his mountains high & dark as heaven.
|
||||
|
||||
But Mark! Active Evil is better than Passive Good.
|
||||
This Angel, who is now become a Devil, is my particular friend
|
||||
|
||||
A dragon form, clashing his scales: at midnight he arose,
|
||||
America is darken'd; and my punishing Demons, terrified,
|
||||
|
||||
the study of angels, the workmanship of demons
|
||||
|
||||
Art thou she that made the nations drunk with the cup of Religion?
|
||||
furious lions sound the song of Joy
|
||||
The cruel joy of Luvah's daughters, lacerating with knives
|
||||
They catch the shrieks in cups of gold,
|
||||
But the Human Wine stood wondering;
|
||||
|
||||
And was Jerusalem builded here among these dark Satanic Mills?
|
||||
|
||||
Suffer not the fashionable Fools to depress your powers
|
||||
|
||||
And in its Holiness is closed the Abomination of Desolation.
|
||||
|
||||
I must Create a System or be enslav'd by another Man's.
|
||||
|
||||
I will not Reason & Compare: my business is to Create.
|
||||
Calling on God for help, and not ourselves, in whom God dwells,
|
||||
|
||||
Mystery, Babylon the Great, The Druid Dragon & hidden Harlot
|
||||
Dazzling around thy skirts like a Serpent of precious stones
|
||||
Am I not Lucifer the Great, and you my daughters?
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
I just went through a copy of his Collected Works and keyed into my
|
||||
tagfile any lines that struck my eye.
|
||||
505
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/bonehead.txt
Normal file
505
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/bonehead.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,505 @@
|
||||
From: mib1956@uxf.cso.uiuc.edu
|
||||
Subject: Re: My quotes file
|
||||
Message-ID: <55600137@uxf.cso.uiuc.edu>
|
||||
Date: 28 Jan 89 20:45:00 GMT
|
||||
|
||||
OK, I guess it's time for me to post my quotes list again. As usual
|
||||
(well, kind of -- I've only posted them once before), I will post them
|
||||
in random order, without attributions, so you can have fun figuring out
|
||||
where they came from. In about a week, I'll post the original file,
|
||||
with the attributes in comments. I'll also post the wimpy program I
|
||||
use that reads my .fortunes file.
|
||||
|
||||
I have two criteria for my quotes: a) it must be public (ie I don't
|
||||
include quotes my friend Joe Shmoe said. People who have tastes very
|
||||
similar to mine conceivably could recognize all of these quotes) and b)
|
||||
it must have made me laugh out loud. This explains why my list is
|
||||
relatively short (currently, there are 159 entries).
|
||||
|
||||
I will happily take corrections to the wording of the quotes, but,
|
||||
please, no suggestions for additional quotes. Somehow, this list is
|
||||
very personal, and if I don't spot the quote myself, I probably won't
|
||||
include it. Oh, plaudits, compliments, and the like are welcome -- in
|
||||
fact they are required.
|
||||
|
||||
Steven
|
||||
...!ucbvax!grady
|
||||
grady@postgres.berkeley.edu
|
||||
|
||||
- Incip -
|
||||
|
||||
"Wheat. So what?"
|
||||
|
||||
"A penny for your thoughts?"
|
||||
"A dollar for your death."
|
||||
|
||||
"Get a life!"
|
||||
|
||||
...And since the stench of death will always attract flies and vermin,
|
||||
the arrival of Geraldo was perhaps inevitable.
|
||||
|
||||
"I'm sorry, but you must have me confused with some OTHER
|
||||
plate-lipped white girl named `Irene'"
|
||||
|
||||
"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
|
||||
..except, y'know, not green...
|
||||
...and without all the patches of fungus."
|
||||
|
||||
Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
|
||||
start closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals
|
||||
and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
|
||||
|
||||
"Oh Mr. Bellpit, your legs are so swollen!"
|
||||
|
||||
"It's Czechoslovakia! It's like going into Wisconsin!"
|
||||
|
||||
The heart, the liver, the spleen, the pancreas. All these miraculous
|
||||
organs work in _total_darkness_!
|
||||
|
||||
"Nice tie... BONEHEAD!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Bicycle Repair Man, how can I ever repair you?"
|
||||
"Well, you don't need to, gov, it's all right.
|
||||
It's all in a day's work for ... Bicycle Repair Man. <Sniff!>"
|
||||
|
||||
"Comedy. Sudden, violent, comedy!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get
|
||||
a good price for them."
|
||||
|
||||
"What do you say we guys go down to the beach and shoot
|
||||
some clams?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Zere were zwei peanuts walking down ze strasse.
|
||||
And one was assaulted.. peanut. Ha ha ha.."
|
||||
|
||||
Ant Boy calmly prepares to execute his new friend ant-style...
|
||||
by PINCHING OFF HIS HEAD!
|
||||
|
||||
You think you got it rough?
|
||||
What about your darling doggy?
|
||||
Ten short years
|
||||
and he's getting old and groggy.
|
||||
|
||||
"I'm not saying we won't get our hair mussed a bit.."
|
||||
|
||||
"Thank God. The police."
|
||||
|
||||
"I don't know what you want here, but I think you should
|
||||
know that I've killed a LOT of old people in my time,
|
||||
and I'm not above doing it again."
|
||||
|
||||
"I told them kids to keep their arms inside the ride.
|
||||
Damnedest thing I ever saw."
|
||||
|
||||
"But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of
|
||||
the _old_ gods! He demands sacrifice!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Cerebus can destroy ANYTHING. Cerebus is the POPE."
|
||||
|
||||
"I'll have you all executed!"
|
||||
"I think not."
|
||||
|
||||
"`Psychophallystisis.'"
|
||||
"Eat hot death, Steve."
|
||||
|
||||
"I'm a LAGOMORPH, Sam! Look it up!"
|
||||
|
||||
"I've heard about these cult jamborees. It's an international
|
||||
goon gathering. Lots of howling and drinking... Orgiastic
|
||||
worship of heathen idols... Great looking chicks in diaphanous robes..."
|
||||
|
||||
"Do you think there's a God?"
|
||||
"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
|
||||
|
||||
"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid."
|
||||
|
||||
"Flint Paper is insane. I really respect that."
|
||||
|
||||
"Llamas are larger than frogs."
|
||||
|
||||
"It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where can we go?"
|
||||
"Argentina?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Curse you, Inspector Dim. You are too clever for us naughty people."
|
||||
|
||||
"It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."
|
||||
|
||||
"We interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, Two-Sheds!"
|
||||
"Yes, make yourself scarce, Two-Sheds. This studio isn't big enough for
|
||||
the three of us!"
|
||||
"Get your own arts program, you fairy!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Inconceivable!"
|
||||
"You use that word a lot. I don't think it means what you think it does."
|
||||
|
||||
"He'p me! Somebody, pleez, he'p me! I been hypmotize'!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Jane, you ignorant slut."
|
||||
|
||||
"No! That's just what they'll be expecting us to do!"
|
||||
|
||||
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
|
||||
have made them cute and furry.
|
||||
|
||||
"The evidence before the court is
|
||||
incontrovertible; there's
|
||||
no need for the jury to
|
||||
retire."
|
||||
|
||||
"Round up the usual suspects!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it
|
||||
for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point
|
||||
of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent
|
||||
little children."
|
||||
"Oh, so you don't like it?"
|
||||
"Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
|
||||
|
||||
"Mr. Notlob, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive
|
||||
operation can't prolong!"
|
||||
|
||||
"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
|
||||
|
||||
"If you could have any amount of money... How much would you want?"
|
||||
"All of it."
|
||||
|
||||
"Have you got a 27 B stroke 6?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Don't be stupid. Be a smarty.
|
||||
Come and join the Nazi Party."
|
||||
|
||||
"Take me away, imperialist puppets of the great Pay-TV satanistic
|
||||
corporate booger-heads!"
|
||||
|
||||
"I want a full scale Red Alert throughout the world. Surround EVERYONE
|
||||
with EVERYTHING we got! Mobilize every fighting unit and every weapon
|
||||
we can lay our hands on. I want... I want three full scale global
|
||||
nuclear alerts, with every Army, Navy, and Air Force unit on ETERNAL standby!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!"
|
||||
|
||||
A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, a hundred bottles
|
||||
of beer. If one of those bottles should happen to
|
||||
fall, it would shake the very foundations of the Universe.
|
||||
-from Mauve'Bib's "The Seven Pillows of Wisdom,"
|
||||
edited by the Princess Serutan
|
||||
|
||||
"Hey, stewardess. Run through that seatbelt demonstration
|
||||
a few more times. It's unbelievably tricky!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Mushy mushy mushy."
|
||||
|
||||
"It's the Peterson kid dressed as an iguana!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Nice girls don't explode."
|
||||
|
||||
"Well, I noticed the lad with the thermonuclear device was the Chief
|
||||
Constable for the area."
|
||||
|
||||
Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently
|
||||
dropped the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag
|
||||
the physician outside where he would beat him to death with a live
|
||||
ocelot.
|
||||
|
||||
"It's real handy, havin' an Elder God in the band, eh?"
|
||||
|
||||
"We have your favorite animal cookies. Here's
|
||||
a gorilla... Here's a collared peccary..."
|
||||
|
||||
"A mind is a terrible thing to waste someone with."
|
||||
|
||||
"[The vector] has never been of the slightest use to any creature."
|
||||
-Lord Kelvin
|
||||
|
||||
"The good thing about drawing a tiger is that it automatically
|
||||
makes your picture fine art."
|
||||
|
||||
"Take my Worf, please."
|
||||
|
||||
"`BILLSBY SLASHES FOUR, DIES IN COCAINE BRAWL'"
|
||||
"That's the front page, Mrs. Billsby."
|
||||
|
||||
"It's a dessert topping AND a floor wax!"
|
||||
|
||||
"It's funny, I hate the itching, but I don't mind the swelling."
|
||||
|
||||
"You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
|
||||
and I had my hands about it."
|
||||
|
||||
"...just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason, too..."
|
||||
|
||||
"I like overkill."
|
||||
|
||||
"Where do we keep all our chainsaws, mom?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Did you know the phone company uses the bone marrow
|
||||
of Third World babies to make microchips?"
|
||||
|
||||
"The part I think I'd like best is crushing people who get in my way."
|
||||
|
||||
"Regrettable that this society has chosen suicide."
|
||||
|
||||
"Get that finger out of your ear! You don't know where that finger's been!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Mind you, I can't say much for the volume's condition.
|
||||
I mean, there's a hole in the jacket and the spine appears
|
||||
to be damaged."
|
||||
|
||||
"You have an annoying fascination for timepieces, Mr. Sulu"
|
||||
|
||||
"Back off, man! I'm a scientist!"
|
||||
|
||||
"What are your general areas of interests?"
|
||||
"Aerodynamics. Designer jeans. Roofing supplies. That sort of thing."
|
||||
"What sort of thing?"
|
||||
"You know, liquidity. Point-of-sale. Margin accounts. Fast lane."
|
||||
|
||||
"In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and
|
||||
healthy competition, I'm going to ask you two to fight to
|
||||
the death for it."
|
||||
|
||||
"Why do you wear that toy on your head?"
|
||||
"Because if I wear it anywhere else, it chafes."
|
||||
|
||||
"Are there many fires in Norway?"
|
||||
"Oh Good Lord yes. The place is a constant blaze!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Dick! You're FIRED!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Storage Compartments? Storage Compartments?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Yes, well, that's just the sort of blinkered philistine pig-ignorance
|
||||
I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage."
|
||||
|
||||
"What a pinhead! Does he not fear us?!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Sorry, Nick. I lied, man."
|
||||
|
||||
"The world bores you when you're cool."
|
||||
|
||||
"The living dead don't NEED to solve word problems."
|
||||
|
||||
"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some
|
||||
sheep's testicles for a bet...God, that bloody sheep kicked him..."
|
||||
|
||||
"I'm doing everything I can, and stop calling me Shirley."
|
||||
|
||||
"Decadent rodent, we will bury you."
|
||||
|
||||
Dark and lonely
|
||||
on a summer night.
|
||||
Kill my landlord,
|
||||
Kill my landlord.
|
||||
|
||||
Watchdog barkin'
|
||||
Do he bite?
|
||||
Kill my landlord,
|
||||
Kill my landlord.
|
||||
|
||||
Senators, TV Crews, and the nation in general are mystified when,
|
||||
on the third day, Flaming Carrot shows a STAR TREK BLOOPER REEL
|
||||
on behalf of the defense.
|
||||
|
||||
Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes
|
||||
on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists
|
||||
and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and
|
||||
not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a
|
||||
useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.
|
||||
|
||||
"LONG LIVE THE GLORIOUS COCKROACH REBELLION AGAINST THE
|
||||
GREAT SUBURBAN BOURGEOIS OPPRESSOR SWINE-PIG!"
|
||||
<Slam!>
|
||||
"I HATE revolutionary jargon."
|
||||
|
||||
"You try any preversions in there, and I'll blow your head off."
|
||||
|
||||
He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies,
|
||||
the Director, Lucifer, Belial, and once, at a party,
|
||||
some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
|
||||
|
||||
"I've got to concentrate. I've got to concentrate!
|
||||
..Hello?
|
||||
..Echo!
|
||||
..Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon, Manny Mota!"
|
||||
|
||||
"I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal."
|
||||
|
||||
"I'm 6 foot 5, and I eat punks like you for breakfast!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Elvis has LEFT the building!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Hurl that spheroid down the field.."
|
||||
|
||||
"I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
|
||||
being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
|
||||
sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told
|
||||
that I am!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Has anybody seen my legs?"
|
||||
|
||||
"We're taking you to a clambake."
|
||||
|
||||
"It's hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing
|
||||
your crotch and baying at the moon..."
|
||||
|
||||
"That's the fact, Jack!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Kato, what is going on in that little yellow brain of yours?"
|
||||
|
||||
"They're not booing. They're just chanting `Dave! Dave!'"
|
||||
|
||||
"To me it is like a mountain.. a vast BOWL of PUS!"
|
||||
|
||||
"So whaddya want? Wicker?!?"
|
||||
|
||||
`As leader, you should never forget those who are loyal
|
||||
to you. You should hold parties for them regularly
|
||||
and have lots of whiskey (free) for them. That way, they
|
||||
get drunk and reveal themselves as the disloyal vermin they
|
||||
all are in reality.'
|
||||
-- "On Governing"
|
||||
|
||||
"You know, once in a while it is my pleasure, and my privilege to welcome
|
||||
here at the Refreshment Room some of the truly great international
|
||||
artists our time. And tonight we have one such artist. Ladies and
|
||||
gentlemen, someone who I've always personally admired, perhaps
|
||||
more deeply, more strongly, more ... abjectly than other performer.
|
||||
A man, well, more than a man, a god! A great god, whose personality
|
||||
is so totally and utterly wonderful, that my feeble words of welcome
|
||||
sound wretchedly and pathetically inadequate. Someone whose boots I
|
||||
would gladly lick clean, until holes wore through my tongue! A man
|
||||
who is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed
|
||||
in a pit of my own filth than dare tread on the same stage with him!
|
||||
Ladies and Gentlemen, the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink!"
|
||||
"He can't come!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Oh oh! No more buttered scones for me, Mater,
|
||||
I'm off to play the grand piano!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!"
|
||||
|
||||
"There should be a psychology of feet. For do we not
|
||||
make decisions with our legs, and walk about on our brains?
|
||||
What do you mean, `No, not really,'?"
|
||||
-from "The Notebooks of Mauve'Bib--Outtakes, Bloopers,
|
||||
and Unconvincing Maxims," Edited by the Princess Serutan.
|
||||
|
||||
"Say, isn't that a twenty-story-high Gumby-shaped robot
|
||||
approaching at about Mach 8?"
|
||||
"What do you know...? So it is."
|
||||
|
||||
"Into the mud, Scum Queen!"
|
||||
|
||||
That's not funny, that's sick!
|
||||
|
||||
"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
|
||||
"NO!...I mean Yes! WHAT?"
|
||||
"I'll put `maybe.'"
|
||||
|
||||
"Sometimes you just gotta say `what the heck'."
|
||||
|
||||
"How soon do you wish to marry my daughter?"
|
||||
"Oh, right away, squire, right away! I 'aven't 'ad any for weeks!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Guards, beat this man brutally for daring to try to confuse me!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Happiness is being famous for your financial
|
||||
ability to indulge in every kind of excess."
|
||||
|
||||
"The band is just fantastic,
|
||||
That is really what I think,
|
||||
Oh by the way, which one's Pink?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Right. Who's got a boil on his semprini then?"
|
||||
|
||||
"You look like a man with the minimum daily requirement of
|
||||
intelligence. Where can I find a book on self-confidence?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Kirk may be a swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with
|
||||
delusions of godhood, but he's not soft."
|
||||
|
||||
"Mind your manners, son! I've got a tall pointy hat!"
|
||||
|
||||
Birds of prey know they're cool.
|
||||
|
||||
"We're aimed the wrong way to be going home, Gumby."
|
||||
"Home...? We're on an express elevator to HECK!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Koko, will there be gnomes and dwarves for Lebee to wrestle with?"
|
||||
"Yes Mishu, and also trolls and mutants we may spar with!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Spontaneous combustion! What a stroke of luck!"
|
||||
|
||||
"This man is no ordinary man. This is Mr. F. G. Superman."
|
||||
|
||||
"Mistakes were made."
|
||||
|
||||
"You'd better ask yourself `Do I feel lucky?'
|
||||
Well, do you, punk?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Are you police officers?"
|
||||
"No, ma'am. We're musicians."
|
||||
|
||||
"And was head of Gestapo for 10 years - No! 5 years!
|
||||
No! No! Nein, was not head of Gestapo at all! I make joke."
|
||||
|
||||
"He's not Santa Claus...He doesn't LOOK like Santa Claus!"
|
||||
"Don't judge a book by its hide, kid. I let folks believe
|
||||
that `fat, jolly' nonsense 'cause it makes 'em FEEL good.
|
||||
So, are you tots gonna bust me out of here, or stand there
|
||||
gaping like trout?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Hey Dad, you crossed my line of death!"
|
||||
|
||||
"I guess test-flying F-20 Tigersharks at Mach 3 all
|
||||
day has rattled my good manners..."
|
||||
|
||||
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is
|
||||
second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little
|
||||
scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds
|
||||
if we felt like it.
|
||||
|
||||
"My nipples explode with delight!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Vaya con dios, scumbucket."
|
||||
|
||||
"How does this sound..? `Stop, or I'll stand very,
|
||||
very still for a surprisingly long time!'"
|
||||
|
||||
"One of us should bust in and confuse them while _I_
|
||||
head them off around front."
|
||||
|
||||
"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"
|
||||
|
||||
"If you don't vote for me I'll kill you all."
|
||||
|
||||
"The use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension
|
||||
of the Blues Brothers has been approved."
|
||||
|
||||
"They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos.
|
||||
Had one get loose on me back in '62. It slipped
|
||||
out of the cables while we were lowering it out
|
||||
of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six
|
||||
innocents in an insane bid for freedom."
|
||||
|
||||
"Leaving a trail of slime wherev-"
|
||||
>CLICK!<
|
||||
|
||||
"But, will I get the chicks? I mean, in truckloads?"
|
||||
|
||||
"I haven't time to go chasing after him! There's violence to be done!"
|
||||
|
||||
"They pelted us with rocks and garbage!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Why are you RUNNING? Cerebus just wants to KILL you a little..."
|
||||
|
||||
"Max, that bathing suit you're wearing makes my flesh crawl!
|
||||
And where did you get sunglasses to fit your bizarrely-spaced
|
||||
eyeballs?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Sir, I think I wanted to express the duality of man - a kind of
|
||||
Jungian thing, sir."
|
||||
|
||||
- Finis -
|
||||
|
||||
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|
||||
|
||||
th-th-th-th-That's all, folks!
|
||||
|
||||
----------- cut here, don't forget to strip junk at the end, too -------------
|
||||
"Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!"
|
||||
-- Zippy
|
||||
%%
|
||||
Are you having fun yet?
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"The vast majority of successful major crimes against property are
|
||||
perpetrated by individuals abusing positions of trust."
|
||||
-- Lawrence Dalzell
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Perhaps I am flogging a straw herring in mid-stream, but in the light of
|
||||
what is known about the ubiquity of security vulnerabilities, it seems vastly
|
||||
too dangerous for university folks to run with their heads in the sand."
|
||||
-- Peter G. Neumann, RISKS moderator, about the Internet virus
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Seed me, Seymour"
|
||||
-- a random number generator meets the big green mother from outer space
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Buy land. They've stopped making it."
|
||||
-- Mark Twain
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Open the pod bay doors, HAL."
|
||||
-- Dave Bowman, 2001
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the operations of
|
||||
pure chance..."
|
||||
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
|
||||
%%
|
||||
...Saure really turns out to be an adept at the difficult art of papryomancy,
|
||||
the ability to prophesy through contemplating the way people roll reefers -
|
||||
the shape, the licking pattern, the wrinkles and folds or absence thereof
|
||||
in the paper. "You will soon be in love," sez Saure, "see, this line here."
|
||||
"It's long, isn't it? Does that mean --" "Length is usually intensity.
|
||||
Not time."
|
||||
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
|
||||
%%
|
||||
Go ahead, capitalize the T on technology, deify it if it will make you feel
|
||||
less responsible -- but it puts you in with the neutered, brother, in with
|
||||
the eunuchs keeping the harem of our stolen Earth for the numb and joyless
|
||||
hardons of human sultans, human elite with no right at all to be where they
|
||||
are --"
|
||||
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
|
||||
%%
|
||||
...the prevailing Catholic odor - incense, wax, centuries of mild bleating
|
||||
from the lips of the flock.
|
||||
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
|
||||
%%
|
||||
...At that time [the 1960s], Bell Laboratories scientists projected that
|
||||
computer speeds as high as 30 million floating-point calculations per
|
||||
second (megaflops) would be needed for the Army's ballistic missile
|
||||
defense system. Many computer experts -- including a National Academy
|
||||
of Sciences panel -- said achieving such speeds, even using multiple
|
||||
processors, was impossible. Today, new generation supercomputers operate
|
||||
at billions of operations per second (gigaflops).
|
||||
-- Aviation Week & Space Technology, May 9, 1988, "Washington Roundup", pg 13
|
||||
%%
|
||||
Shit Happens.
|
||||
%%
|
||||
backups: always in season, never out of style.
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"There was a vague, unpleasant manginess about his appearence; he somehow
|
||||
seemed dirty, though a close glance showed him as carefully shaven as an
|
||||
actor, and clad in immaculate linen."
|
||||
-- H.L. Mencken, on the death of William Jennings Bryan
|
||||
%%
|
||||
Work was impossible. The geeks had broken my spirit. They had done too
|
||||
many things wrong. It was never like this for Mencken. He lived like
|
||||
a Prussian gambler -- sweating worse than Bryan on some nights and drunker
|
||||
than Judas on others. It was all a dehumanized nightmare...and these
|
||||
raddled cretins have the gall to complain about my deadlines.
|
||||
-- Hunter Thompson, "Bad Nerves in Fat City", _Generation of Swine_
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"This generation may be the one that will face Armageddon."
|
||||
-- Ronald Reagan, "People" magazine, December 26, 1985
|
||||
%%
|
||||
... The cable had passed us by; the dish was the only hope, and eventually
|
||||
we were all forced to turn to it. By the summer of '85, the valley had more
|
||||
satellite dishes per capita than an Eskimo village on the north slope of
|
||||
Alaska.
|
||||
|
||||
Mine was one of the last to go in. I had been nervous from the start about
|
||||
the hazards of too much input, which is a very real problem with these
|
||||
things. Watching TV becomes a full-time job when you can scan 200 channels
|
||||
all day and all night and still have the option of punching Night Dreams
|
||||
into the video machine, if the rest of the world seems dull.
|
||||
-- Hunter Thompson, "Full-time scrambling", _Generation of Swine_
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Call immediately. Time is running out. We both need to do something
|
||||
monstrous before we die."
|
||||
-- Message from Ralph Steadman to Hunter Thompson
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"The only way for a reporter to look at a politician is down."
|
||||
-- H.L. Mencken
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"You don't go out and kick a mad dog. If you have a mad dog with rabies, you
|
||||
take a gun and shoot him."
|
||||
-- Pat Robertson, TV Evangelist, about Muammar Kadhafy
|
||||
%%
|
||||
David Brinkley: The daily astrological charts are precisely where, in my
|
||||
judgment, they belong, and that is on the comic page.
|
||||
George Will: I don't think astrology belongs even on the comic pages.
|
||||
The comics are making no truth claim.
|
||||
Brinkley: Where would you put it?
|
||||
Will: I wouldn't put it in the newspaper. I think it's transparent rubbish.
|
||||
It's a reflection of an idea that we expelled from Western thought in the
|
||||
sixteenth century, that we are in the center of a caring universe. We are
|
||||
not the center of the universe, and it doesn't care. The star's alignment
|
||||
at the time of our birth -- that is absolute rubbish. It is not funny to
|
||||
have it intruded among people who have nuclear weapons.
|
||||
Sam Donaldson: This isn't something new. Governor Ronald Reagan was sworn
|
||||
in just after midnight in his first term in Sacramento because the stars
|
||||
said it was a propitious time.
|
||||
Will: They [horoscopes] are utter crashing banalities. They could apply to
|
||||
anyone and anything.
|
||||
Brinkley: When is the exact moment [of birth]? I don't think the nurse is
|
||||
standing there with a stopwatch and a notepad.
|
||||
Donaldson: If we're making decisions based on the stars -- that's a cockamamie
|
||||
thing. People want to know.
|
||||
-- "This Week" with David Brinkley, ABC Television, Sunday, May 8, 1988,
|
||||
excerpts from a discussion on Astrology and Reagan
|
||||
%%
|
||||
The reported resort to astrology in the White House has occasioned much
|
||||
merriment. It is not funny. Astrological gibberish, which means astrology
|
||||
generally, has no place in a newspaper, let alone government. Unlike comics,
|
||||
which are part of a newspaper's harmless pleasure and make no truth claims,
|
||||
astrology is a fraud. The idea that it gets a hearing in government is
|
||||
dismaying.
|
||||
-- George Will, Washing Post Writers Group
|
||||
%%
|
||||
Astrology is the sheerest hokum. This pseudoscience has been around since
|
||||
the day of the Chaldeans and Babylonians. It is as phony as numerology,
|
||||
phrenology, palmistry, alchemy, the reading of tea leaves, and the practice
|
||||
of divination by the entrails of a goat. No serious person will buy the
|
||||
notion that our lives are influenced individually by the movement of
|
||||
distant planets. This is the sawdust blarney of the carnival midway.
|
||||
-- James J. Kilpatrick, Universal Press Syndicate
|
||||
%%
|
||||
A serious public debate about the validity of astrology? A serious believer
|
||||
in the White House? Two of them? Give me a break. What stifled my laughter
|
||||
is that the image fits. Reagan has always exhibited a fey indifference toward
|
||||
science. Facts, like numbers, roll off his back. And we've all come to
|
||||
accept it. This time it was stargazing that became a serious issue....Not
|
||||
that long ago, it was Reagan's support of Creationism....Creationists actually
|
||||
got equal time with evolutionists. The public was supposed to be open-minded
|
||||
to the claims of paleontologists and fundamentalists, as if the two were
|
||||
scientific colleagues....It has been clear for a long time that the president
|
||||
is averse to science...In general, these attitudes fall onto friendly American
|
||||
turf....But at the outer edges, this skepticism about science easily turns
|
||||
into a kind of naive acceptance of nonscience, or even nonsense. The same
|
||||
people who doubt experts can also believe any quackery, from the benefits of
|
||||
laetrile to eye of newt to the movment of planets. We lose the capacity to
|
||||
make rational -- scientific -- judgments. It's all the same.
|
||||
-- Ellen Goodman, The Boston Globe Newspaper Company-Washington Post Writers
|
||||
Group
|
||||
%%
|
||||
The spectacle of astrology in the White House -- the governing center of
|
||||
the world's greatest scientific and military power -- is so appalling that
|
||||
it defies understanding and provides grounds for great fright. The easiest
|
||||
response is to laugh it off, and to indulge in wisecracks about Civil
|
||||
Service ratings for horoscope makers and palm readers and whether Reagan
|
||||
asked Mikhail Gorbachev for his sign. A contagious good cheer is the
|
||||
hallmark of this presidency, even when the most dismal matters are concerned.
|
||||
But this time, it isn't funny. It's plain scary.
|
||||
-- Daniel S. Greenberg, Editor, _Science and Government Report_, writing in
|
||||
"Newsday", May 5, 1988
|
||||
%%
|
||||
[Astrology is] 100 percent hokum, Ted. As a matter of fact, the first edition
|
||||
of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, written in 1771 -- 1771! -- said that this
|
||||
belief system is a subject long ago ridiculed and reviled. We're dealing with
|
||||
beliefs that go back to the ancient Babylonians. There's nothing there....
|
||||
It sounds a lot like science, it sounds like astronomy. It's got technical
|
||||
terms. It's got jargon. It confuses the public....The astrologer is quite
|
||||
glib, confuses the public, uses terms which come from science, come from
|
||||
metaphysics, come from a host of fields, but they really mean nothing. The
|
||||
fact is that astrological beliefs go back at least 2,500 years. Now that
|
||||
should be a sufficiently long time for astrologers to prove their case. They
|
||||
have not proved their case....It's just simply gibberish. The fact is, there's
|
||||
no theory for it, there are no observational data for it. It's been tested
|
||||
and tested over the centuries. Nobody's ever found any validity to it at
|
||||
all. It is not even close to a science. A science has to be repeatable, it
|
||||
has to have a logical foundation, and it has to be potentially vulnerable --
|
||||
you test it. And in that astrology is reqlly quite something else.
|
||||
-- Astronomer Richard Berendzen, President, American University, on ABC
|
||||
News "Nightline," May 3, 1988
|
||||
%%
|
||||
Even if we put all these nagging thoughts [four embarrassing questions about
|
||||
astrology] aside for a moment, one overriding question remains to be asked.
|
||||
Why would the positions of celestial objects at the moment of birth have an
|
||||
effect on our characters, lives, or destinies? What force or influence,
|
||||
what sort of energy would travel from the planets and stars to all human
|
||||
beings and affect our development or fate? No amount of scientific-sounding
|
||||
jargon or computerized calculations by astrologers can disguise this central
|
||||
problem with astrology -- we can find no evidence of a mechanism by which
|
||||
celestial objects can influence us in so specific and personal a way. . . .
|
||||
Some astrologers argue that there may be a still unknown force that represents
|
||||
the astrological influence. . . .If so, astrological predictions -- like those
|
||||
of any scientific field -- should be easily tested. . . . Astrologers always
|
||||
claim to be just a little too busy to carry out such careful tests of their
|
||||
efficacy, so in the last two decades scientists and statisticians have
|
||||
generously done such testing for them. There have been dozens of well-designed
|
||||
tests all around the world, and astrology has failed every one of them. . . .
|
||||
I propose that we let those beckoning lights in the sky awaken our interest
|
||||
in the real (and fascinating) universe beyond our planet, and not let them
|
||||
keep us tied to an ancient fantasy left over from a time when we huddled by
|
||||
the firelight, afraid of the night.
|
||||
-- Andrew Fraknoi, Executive Officer, Astronomical Society of the Pacific,
|
||||
"Why Astrology Believers Should Feel Embarrassed," San Jose Mercury
|
||||
News, May 8, 1988
|
||||
%%
|
||||
With the news that Nancy Reagan has referred to an astrologer when planning
|
||||
her husband's schedule, and reports of Californians evacuating Los Angeles
|
||||
on the strength of a prediction from a sixteenth-century physician and
|
||||
astrologer Michel de Notredame, the image of the U.S. as a scientific and
|
||||
technological nation has taking a bit of a battering lately. Sadly, such
|
||||
happenings cannot be dismissed as passing fancies. They are manifestations
|
||||
of a well-established "anti-science" tendency in the U.S. which, ultimately,
|
||||
could threaten the country's position as a technological power. . . . The
|
||||
manifest widespread desire to reject rationality and substitute a series
|
||||
of quasirandom beliefs in order to understand the universe does not augur
|
||||
well for a nation deeply concerned about its ability to compete with its
|
||||
industrial equals. To the degree that it reflects the thinking of a
|
||||
significant section of the public, this point of view encourages ignorance
|
||||
of and, indeed, contempt for science and for rational methods of approaching
|
||||
truth. . . . It is becoming clear that if the U.S. does not pick itself up
|
||||
soon and devote some effort to educating the young effectively, its hope of
|
||||
maintaining a semblance of leadership in the world may rest, paradoxically,
|
||||
with a new wave of technically interested and trained immigrants who do not
|
||||
suffer from the anti-science disease rampant in an apparently decaying society.
|
||||
-- Physicist Tony Feinberg, in "New Scientist," May 19, 1988
|
||||
%%
|
||||
miracle: an extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment.
|
||||
-- Webster's Dictionary
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he alone
|
||||
is responsible. Universes of virtually unlimited complexity can be
|
||||
created in the form of computer programs."
|
||||
-- Joseph Weizenbaum, _Computer Power and Human Reason_
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong."
|
||||
-- Norm Schryer
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"May your future be limited only by your dreams."
|
||||
-- Christa McAuliffe
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
|
||||
coming up it."
|
||||
-- Henry Allen
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Life begins when you can spend your spare time programming instead of
|
||||
watching television."
|
||||
-- Cal Keegan
|
||||
%%
|
||||
Eat shit -- billions of flies can't be wrong.
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"We never make assertions, Miss Taggart," said Hugh Akston. "That is
|
||||
the moral crime peculiar to our enemies. We do not tell -- we *show*.
|
||||
We do not claim -- we *prove*."
|
||||
-- Ayn Rand, _Atlas Shrugged_
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and
|
||||
my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes."
|
||||
-- George Carlin
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he
|
||||
was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol."
|
||||
-- George Carlin
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"I turn on my television set. I see a young lady who goes under the guise
|
||||
of being a Christian, known all over the nation, dressed in skin-tight
|
||||
leather pants, shaking and wiggling her hips to the beat and rythm of the
|
||||
music as the strobe lights beat their patterns across the stage and the
|
||||
band plays the contemporary rock sound which cannot be differentiated from
|
||||
songs by the Grateful Dead, the Beatles, or anyone else. And you may try
|
||||
to tell me this is of God and that it is leading people to Christ, but I
|
||||
know better.
|
||||
-- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocritical sexual pervert and TV preacher, self-described
|
||||
pornography addict, "Two points of view: 'Christian' rock and roll.",
|
||||
The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50.
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"So-called Christian rock. . . . is a diabolical force undermining Christianity
|
||||
from within."
|
||||
-- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocrite and TV preacher, self-described pornography addict,
|
||||
"Two points of view: 'Christian' rock and roll.", The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50.
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of
|
||||
course, living in a state of sin."
|
||||
-- John Von Neumann
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"You must have an IQ of at least half a million." -- Popeye
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Freedom is still the most radical idea of all."
|
||||
-- Nathaniel Branden
|
||||
%%
|
||||
Aren't you glad you're not getting all the government you pay for now?
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education."
|
||||
-- Mark Twain
|
||||
%%
|
||||
These screamingly hilarious gogs ensure owners of X Ray Gogs to be the life
|
||||
of any party.
|
||||
-- X-Ray Gogs Instructions
|
||||
%%
|
||||
A student asked the master for help... does this program run from the
|
||||
Workbench? The master grabbed the mouse and pointed to an icon. "What is
|
||||
this?" he asked. The student replied "That's the mouse". The master pressed
|
||||
control-Amiga-Amiga and hit the student on the head with the Amiga ROM Kernel
|
||||
Manual.
|
||||
-- Amiga Zen Master Peter da Silva
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Thank heaven for startups; without them we'd never have any advances."
|
||||
-- Seymour Cray
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Out of register space (ugh)"
|
||||
-- vi
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor
|
||||
of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated,
|
||||
it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community."
|
||||
- Oscar Wilde
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Ada is PL/I trying to be Smalltalk.
|
||||
-- Codoso diBlini
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by mean of zeal,
|
||||
well-meaning but without understanding."
|
||||
-- Justice Louis O. Brandeis (Olmstead vs. United States)
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"'Tis true, 'tis pity, and pity 'tis 'tis true."
|
||||
-- Poloniouius, in Willie the Shake's _Hamlet, Prince of Darkness_
|
||||
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"All the people are so happy now, their heads are caving in. I'm glad they
|
||||
are a snowman with protective rubber skin"
|
||||
-- They Might Be Giants
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Indecision is the basis of flexibility"
|
||||
-- button at a Science Fiction convention.
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Sometimes insanity is the only alternative"
|
||||
-- button at a Science Fiction convention.
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time."
|
||||
-- a coffee cup
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"The most important thing in a man is not what he knows, but what he is."
|
||||
-- Narciso Yepes
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"All we are given is possibilities -- to make ourselves one thing or another."
|
||||
-- Ortega y Gasset
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"We will be better and braver if we engage and inquire than if we indulge in
|
||||
the idle fancy that we already know -- or that it is of no use seeking to
|
||||
know what we do not know."
|
||||
-- Plato
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"To undertake a project, as the word's derivation indicates, means to cast an
|
||||
idea out ahead of oneself so that it gains autonomy and is fulfilled not only
|
||||
by the efforts of its originator but, indeed, independently of him as well.
|
||||
-- Czeslaw Milosz
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"We cannot put off living until we are ready. The most salient characteristic
|
||||
of life is its coerciveness; it is always urgent, "here and now," without any
|
||||
possible postponement. Life is fired at us point blank."
|
||||
-- Ortega y Gasset
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere."
|
||||
-- Dr. Seuss
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest."
|
||||
-- Bullwinkle Moose
|
||||
|
||||
%%
|
||||
Remember, an int is not always 16 bits. I'm not sure, but if the 80386 is one
|
||||
step closer to Intel's slugfest with the CPU curve that is aymptotically
|
||||
approaching a real machine, perhaps an int has been implemented as 32 bits by
|
||||
some Unix vendors...?
|
||||
-- Derek Terveer
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
|
||||
what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything
|
||||
you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
|
||||
Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to
|
||||
insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
|
||||
destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be,
|
||||
be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to
|
||||
insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as
|
||||
your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be
|
||||
yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
|
||||
receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this
|
||||
thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen."
|
||||
|
||||
Madrak, in _Creatures of Light and Darkness_, by Roger Zelazny
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"An Academic speculated whether a bather is beautiful
|
||||
if there is none in the forest to admire her. He hid
|
||||
in the bushes to find out, which vitiated his premise
|
||||
but made him happy.
|
||||
Moral: Empiricism is more fun than speculation."
|
||||
-- Sam Weber
|
||||
%%
|
||||
1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2.
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive were
|
||||
Donna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and the Cleavers."
|
||||
-- Wil Wheaton explains why everyone in "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
|
||||
is so nice
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Engineering meets art in the parking lot and things explode."
|
||||
-- Garry Peterson, about Survival Research Labs
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Why can't we ever attempt to solve a problem in this country without having
|
||||
a 'War' on it?" -- Rich Thomson, talk.politics.misc
|
||||
%%
|
||||
...and before I knew what I was doing, I had kicked the
|
||||
typewriter and threw it around the room and made it beg for
|
||||
mercy. At this point the typewriter pleaded for me to dress
|
||||
him in feminine attire but instead I pressed his margin release
|
||||
over and over again until the typewriter lost consciousness.
|
||||
Presently, I regained consciousness and realized with shame what
|
||||
I had done. My shame is gone and now I am looking for a
|
||||
submissive typewriter, any color, or model. No electric
|
||||
typewriters please!
|
||||
--Rick Kleiner
|
||||
%%
|
||||
Professional wrestling: ballet for the common man.
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a
|
||||
cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup." - H.L. Mencken
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Are those cocktail-waitress fingernail marks?" I asked Colletti as he
|
||||
showed us these scratches on his chest. "No, those are on my back," Colletti
|
||||
answered. "This is where a case of cocktail shrimp fell on me. I told her
|
||||
to slow down a little, but you know cocktail waitresses, they seem to have
|
||||
a mind of their own."
|
||||
-- The Incredibly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs
|
||||
National Lampoon, October 1982
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Never give in. Never give in. Never. Never. Never."
|
||||
-- Winston Churchill
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Never ascribe to malice that which is caused by greed and ignorance."
|
||||
-- Cal Keegan
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Despite its suffix, skepticism is not an "ism" in the sense of a belief
|
||||
or dogma. It is simply an approach to the problem of telling what is
|
||||
counterfeit and what is genuine. And a recognition of how costly it may
|
||||
be to fail to do so. To be a skeptic is to cultivate "street smarts" in
|
||||
the battle for control of one's own mind, one's own money, one'w own
|
||||
allegiances. To be a skeptic, in short, is to refuse to be a victim.
|
||||
-- Robert S. DeBear, "An Agenda for Reason, Realism, and Responsibility,"
|
||||
New York Skeptic (newsletter of the New York Area Skeptics, Inc.), Spring 1988
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some dead
|
||||
stuff."
|
||||
-- Dave Enyeart
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"After one week [visiting Austria] I couldn't wait to go back to the United
|
||||
States. Everything was much more pleasant in the United States, because of
|
||||
the mentality of being open-minded, always positive. Everything you want to
|
||||
do in Europe is just, 'No way. No one has ever done it.' They haven't any
|
||||
more the desire to go out to conquer and achieve -- I realized that I had much
|
||||
more the American spirit."
|
||||
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest."
|
||||
-- Alexandre Dumas (fils)
|
||||
%%
|
||||
Well, punk is kind of anti-ethical, anyway. Its ethics, so to speak,
|
||||
include a disdain for ethics in general. If you have to think about some-
|
||||
thing so hard, then it's bullshit anyway; that's the idea. Punks are anti-
|
||||
ismists, to coin a term. But nonetheless, they have a pretty clearly defined
|
||||
stance and image, and THAT is what we hang the term `punk' on.
|
||||
-- Jeff G. Bone
|
||||
%%
|
||||
I think for the most part that the readership here uses the c-word in
|
||||
a similar fashion. I don't think anybody really believes in a new, revolution-
|
||||
ary literature --- I think they use `cyberpunk' as a term of convenience to
|
||||
discuss the common stylistic elements in a small subset of recent sf books.
|
||||
-- Jeff G. Bone
|
||||
%%
|
||||
So we get to my point. Surely people around here read things that
|
||||
aren't on the *Officially Sanctioned Cyberpunk Reading List*. Surely we
|
||||
don't (any of us) really believe that there is some big, deep political and
|
||||
philosophical message in all this, do we? So if this `cyberpunk' thing is
|
||||
just a term of convenience, how can somebody sell out? If cyberpunk is just a
|
||||
word we use to describe a particular style and imagery in sf, how can it be
|
||||
dead? Where are the profound statements that the `Movement' is or was trying
|
||||
to make?
|
||||
I think most of us are interested in examining and discussing literary
|
||||
(and musical) works that possess a certain stylistic excellence and perhaps a
|
||||
rather extreme perspective; this is what CP is all about, no? Maybe there
|
||||
should be a newsgroup like, say, alt.postmodern or somthing. Something less
|
||||
restrictive in scope than alt.cyberpunk.
|
||||
-- Jeff G. Bone
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"Everyone's head is a cheap movie show."
|
||||
-- Jeff G. Bone
|
||||
%%
|
||||
Life is full of concepts that are poorly defined. In fact, there are very few
|
||||
concepts that aren't. It's hard to think of any in non-technical fields.
|
||||
-- Daniel Kimberg
|
||||
%%
|
||||
...cyberpunk wants to see the mind as mechanistic & duplicable,
|
||||
challenging basic assumptions about the nature of individuality & self.
|
||||
That seems all the better reason to assume that cyberpunk art & music is
|
||||
essentially mindless garbagio. Willy certainly addressed this idea in
|
||||
"Count Zero," with Katatonenkunst, the automatic box-maker and the girl's
|
||||
observation that the real art was the building of the machine itself,
|
||||
rather than its output.
|
||||
-- Eliot Handelman
|
||||
%%
|
||||
It might be worth reflecting that this group was originally created
|
||||
back in September of 1987 and has exchanged over 1200 messages. The
|
||||
original announcement for the group called for an all inclusive
|
||||
discussion ranging from the writings of Gibson and Vinge and movies
|
||||
like Bladerunner to real world things like Brands' description of the
|
||||
work being done at the MIT Media Lab. It was meant as a haven for
|
||||
people with vision of this scope. If you want to create a haven for
|
||||
people with narrower visions, feel free. But I feel sad for anyone
|
||||
who thinks that alt.cyberpunk is such a monstrous group that it is in
|
||||
dire need of being subdivided. Heaven help them if they ever start
|
||||
reading comp.arch or rec.arts.sf-lovers.
|
||||
-- Bob Webber
|
||||
%%
|
||||
...I don't care for the term 'mechanistic'. The word 'cybernetic' is a lot
|
||||
more apropos. The mechanistic world-view is falling further and further behind
|
||||
the real world where even simple systems can produce the most marvellous
|
||||
chaos.
|
||||
-- Peter da Silva
|
||||
%%
|
||||
As for the basic assumptions about individuality and self, this is the core
|
||||
of what I like about cyberpunk. And it's the core of what I like about certain
|
||||
pre-gibson neophile techie SF writers that certain folks here like to put
|
||||
down. Not everyone makes the same assumptions. I haven't lost my mind... it's
|
||||
backed up on tape.
|
||||
-- Peter da Silva
|
||||
%%
|
||||
Who are the artists in the Computer Graphics Show? Wavefront's latest box, or
|
||||
the people who programmed it? Should Mandelbrot get all the credit for the
|
||||
output of programs like MandelVroom?
|
||||
-- Peter da Silva
|
||||
%%
|
||||
Trailing Edge Technologies is pleased to announce the following
|
||||
TETflame programme:
|
||||
|
||||
1) For a negotiated price (no quatloos accepted) one of our flaming
|
||||
representatives will flame the living shit out of the poster of
|
||||
your choice. The price is inversly proportional to how much of
|
||||
an asshole the target it. We cannot be convinced to flame Dennis
|
||||
Ritchie. Matt Crawford flames are free.
|
||||
|
||||
2) For a negotiated price (same arrangement) the TETflame programme
|
||||
is offering ``flame insurence''. Under this arrangement, if
|
||||
one of our policy holders is flamed, we will cancel the offending
|
||||
article and flame the flamer, to a crisp.
|
||||
|
||||
3) The TETflame flaming representatives include: Richard Sexton, Oleg
|
||||
Kisalev, Diane Holt, Trish O'Tauma, Dave Hill, Greg Nowak and our most
|
||||
recent aquisition, Keith Doyle. But all he will do is put you in his
|
||||
kill file. Weemba by special arrangement.
|
||||
|
||||
-- Richard Sexton
|
||||
%%
|
||||
"As I was walking among the fires of Hell, delighted with the enjoyments of
|
||||
Genius; which to Angels look like torment and insanity. I collected some of
|
||||
their Proverbs..." - Blake, "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell"
|
||||
|
||||
%%
|
||||
HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 1
|
||||
|
||||
proof by example:
|
||||
The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it
|
||||
contains most of the ideas of the general proof.
|
||||
|
||||
proof by intimidation:
|
||||
'Trivial'.
|
||||
|
||||
proof by vigorous handwaving:
|
||||
Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.
|
||||
%%
|
||||
HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 2
|
||||
|
||||
proof by cumbersome notation:
|
||||
Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special
|
||||
symbols.
|
||||
|
||||
proof by exhaustion:
|
||||
An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.
|
||||
|
||||
proof by omission:
|
||||
'The reader may easily supply the details'
|
||||
'The other 253 cases are analogous'
|
||||
'...'
|
||||
|
||||
%%
|
||||
HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 3
|
||||
|
||||
proof by obfuscation:
|
||||
A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless
|
||||
syntactically related statements.
|
||||
|
||||
proof by wishful citation:
|
||||
The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of
|
||||
a theorem from the literature to support his claims.
|
||||
|
||||
proof by funding:
|
||||
How could three different government agencies be wrong?
|
||||
|
||||
proof by eminent authority:
|
||||
'I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-
|
||||
complete.'
|
||||
|
||||
%%
|
||||
HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 4
|
||||
|
||||
proof by personal communication:
|
||||
'Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete
|
||||
[Karp, personal communication].'
|
||||
|
||||
proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
|
||||
'To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is
|
||||
decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem.'
|
||||
|
||||
proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
|
||||
The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found
|
||||
in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian
|
||||
Philological Society, 1883.
|
||||
|
||||
proof by importance:
|
||||
A large body of useful consequences all follow from the
|
||||
proposition in question.
|
||||
%%
|
||||
HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 5
|
||||
|
||||
proof by accumulated evidence:
|
||||
Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.
|
||||
|
||||
proof by cosmology:
|
||||
The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or
|
||||
meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God.
|
||||
|
||||
proof by mutual reference:
|
||||
In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in
|
||||
reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in
|
||||
reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in
|
||||
reference A.
|
||||
|
||||
proof by metaproof:
|
||||
A method is given to construct the desired proof. The
|
||||
correctness of the method is proved by any of these
|
||||
techniques.
|
||||
%%
|
||||
HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 6
|
||||
|
||||
proof by picture:
|
||||
A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well
|
||||
with proof by omission.
|
||||
|
||||
proof by vehement assertion:
|
||||
It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the
|
||||
audience.
|
||||
|
||||
proof by ghost reference:
|
||||
Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in
|
||||
the reference given.
|
||||
|
||||
%%
|
||||
HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 7
|
||||
proof by forward reference:
|
||||
Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author,
|
||||
which is often not as forthcoming as at first.
|
||||
|
||||
proof by semantic shift:
|
||||
Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed
|
||||
for the statement of the result.
|
||||
|
||||
proof by appeal to intuition:
|
||||
Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.
|
||||
%%
|
||||
[May one] doubt whether, in cheese and timber, worms are generated,
|
||||
or, if beetles and wasps, in cow-dung, or if butterflies, locusts,
|
||||
shellfish, snails, eels, and such life be procreated of putrefied
|
||||
matter, which is to receive the form of that creature to which it
|
||||
is by formative power disposed[?] To question this is to question
|
||||
reason, sense, and experience. If he doubts this, let him go to
|
||||
Egypt, and there he will find the fields swarming with mice begot
|
||||
of the mud of the Nylus, to the great calamity of the inhabitants.
|
||||
A seventeenth century opinion quoted by L. L. Woodruff,
|
||||
in *The Evolution of Earth and Man*, 1929
|
||||
%%
|
||||
Seen on a button at an SF Convention:
|
||||
Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force. 1990-1951.
|
||||
--
|
||||
-- uunet!sugar!karl | "We've been following your progress with considerable
|
||||
-- karl@sugar.uu.net | interest, not to say contempt." -- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV
|
||||
-- Usenet BBS (713) 438-5018
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
1015
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/cookie.7
Normal file
1015
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/cookie.7
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99
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/cute.say
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99
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/cute.say
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|
||||
From IRVINMJ@WSUVM1.bitnet Mon Aug 7 15:10:53 1989
|
||||
From: IRVINMJ@WSUVM1.bitnet (Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437)
|
||||
Subject: Collection of cute sayings.
|
||||
|
||||
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
|
||||
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
|
||||
A king's castle is his home.
|
||||
A penny saved is ridiculous.
|
||||
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
|
||||
Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
|
||||
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
|
||||
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
|
||||
As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
|
||||
Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
|
||||
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
|
||||
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
|
||||
Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think.
|
||||
BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.
|
||||
Computer hackers do it all night long.
|
||||
Computer modelers simulate it first.
|
||||
Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
|
||||
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
|
||||
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
|
||||
Courage is your greatest present need.
|
||||
CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
|
||||
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
|
||||
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
|
||||
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
|
||||
Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad...
|
||||
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
|
||||
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
|
||||
Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
|
||||
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
|
||||
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
|
||||
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
|
||||
Familiarity breeds children.
|
||||
God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
|
||||
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
|
||||
GAY ABANDON - Homosexual repellent perfume.
|
||||
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
|
||||
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
|
||||
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
|
||||
Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
|
||||
History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.
|
||||
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
|
||||
If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
|
||||
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
|
||||
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
|
||||
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert Einstein
|
||||
It works better if you plug it in.
|
||||
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
|
||||
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
|
||||
KODACLONE - duplicating film.
|
||||
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
|
||||
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
|
||||
Life's a bitch, then you die.
|
||||
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
|
||||
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
|
||||
MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
|
||||
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
|
||||
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
|
||||
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
|
||||
QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm.
|
||||
QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
|
||||
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
|
||||
Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
|
||||
Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
|
||||
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
|
||||
SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
|
||||
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
|
||||
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
|
||||
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
|
||||
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
|
||||
The road to to success is always under construction.
|
||||
Those who can't write, write help files.
|
||||
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
|
||||
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
|
||||
Today is the last day of your life so far.
|
||||
TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
|
||||
Wasting time is an important part of life.
|
||||
When all else fails, read the instructions.
|
||||
When in doubt, don't bother.
|
||||
Xerox does it again and again and again and...
|
||||
XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol.
|
||||
YTERM - A terminal program for queries.
|
||||
When in doubt, ignore it.
|
||||
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
|
||||
|
||||
Acknowledge-To: <IRVINMJ@WSUVM1>
|
||||
|
||||
{ed Lots of people have such lists, but please don't all send them
|
||||
in at once.}
|
||||
--
|
||||
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
|
||||
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
|
||||
|
||||
Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
154
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/fdt
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154
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/fdt
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@@ -0,0 +1,154 @@
|
||||
|
||||
-=-=-=-=
|
||||
TAGLINES -- Seen on the SuperDuperInfoHighway and Byways
|
||||
=-=-=-=-
|
||||
|
||||
Become a programmer and never see the world!
|
||||
|
||||
ROM wasn't built in a day.
|
||||
|
||||
Dave. Put down those Windows disks, Dave. DAVE! - HAL9000
|
||||
|
||||
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
|
||||
|
||||
Do artificial plants need artificial water?
|
||||
|
||||
When patterns are broken - new worlds can emerge.
|
||||
|
||||
I have often depended on the blindness of strangers.
|
||||
|
||||
I want my data back, machine, and I want it now!
|
||||
|
||||
To clone a felon, do I use the COPY CON command?
|
||||
|
||||
If you ever wanted *mindful* drivel, this is it.
|
||||
|
||||
Software independent: won't work with any software.
|
||||
|
||||
Blame San Andreas, it's all his fault.
|
||||
|
||||
I'm one-of-a-kind. (Just what kind, nobody is really sure.)
|
||||
|
||||
Life is like... an analogy.
|
||||
|
||||
Honesty pays, but not enough to satisfy some people.
|
||||
|
||||
URA redneck if you think "Deliverence" was a love story.
|
||||
|
||||
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
|
||||
|
||||
My bit bucket runneth over...
|
||||
|
||||
A diploma proves only that you know how to find an answer.
|
||||
|
||||
If space is the final frontier, what's TIME?
|
||||
|
||||
I wasn't there. I didn't do it. I want my lawyer!
|
||||
|
||||
A scone is a biscuit that's gone to college.
|
||||
|
||||
To make it work, you have to DO the work.
|
||||
|
||||
We're judged by what we finish, not what we start.
|
||||
|
||||
I have a mind like a steel... uh... thingy.
|
||||
|
||||
Why don't gods come with pull-down menus and online help?
|
||||
|
||||
I'm not insensitive, I'm male. See the difference?
|
||||
|
||||
File not found. NOBODY leave the room!
|
||||
|
||||
Really drunk is when you cling to the floor so you don't fall off.
|
||||
|
||||
I've got it! I've got it! Now, for the cure...
|
||||
|
||||
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
|
||||
|
||||
Shoot it, Bubba, it might be my mother-in-law!
|
||||
|
||||
Photographers fade faster than photographs.
|
||||
|
||||
My name is Borg, James Borg, licensed to assimilate.
|
||||
|
||||
This time around the revolution will not be televised.
|
||||
|
||||
On the 8th day, the Corps of Engineers started changing everything.
|
||||
|
||||
Senseless massacre and carnage? Where do I sign up?
|
||||
|
||||
He who lives by the sword is a regular cut-up!
|
||||
|
||||
I get my castles the old-fashioned way. I conquer them.
|
||||
|
||||
NO CARRIER? How are we gonna land this modem?
|
||||
|
||||
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking space.
|
||||
|
||||
La Quinta is Spanish for "Next to Denny's."
|
||||
|
||||
Eeeeuw! You mean you actually TALK on the phone?
|
||||
|
||||
Firing up the Blast-O-Matic Obnoxious Airbag Deflator.
|
||||
|
||||
A juggler is just a schizophrenic playing catch.
|
||||
|
||||
A magic book that stays with you - the Velcronomicon.
|
||||
|
||||
My hovercraft is full of eels.
|
||||
|
||||
They had computers in Eden. Eve had a Apple and Adam had a Wang.
|
||||
|
||||
I know everything, but I'm sworn to secrecy.
|
||||
|
||||
Polaroids: what polar bears get from sitting on the ice.
|
||||
|
||||
Fifty states and I had to go and pick confusion.
|
||||
|
||||
D.A.M.N. - Naked Mothers Against Dyslexia
|
||||
|
||||
OF COURSE I'm on topic! (Which conference is this?)
|
||||
|
||||
How to make Murphy's Law fail - try to prove it to someone.
|
||||
|
||||
Victory find a hundred fathers, but defeat is an orphan.
|
||||
|
||||
This is an ex-parrot.
|
||||
|
||||
Goals are dreams with deadlines.
|
||||
|
||||
There IS intelligent life in the universe. It ignores us.
|
||||
|
||||
Never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
|
||||
|
||||
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
|
||||
|
||||
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.
|
||||
|
||||
Old immortals don't die, they just... don't.
|
||||
|
||||
Amish safe sex: painting an "X" on the cows that kick.
|
||||
|
||||
Hard DISK? Gee, lady, I misunderstood you.
|
||||
|
||||
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
|
||||
|
||||
Grow your own dope - plant a politician.
|
||||
|
||||
Better one true friend than a hundred relatives.
|
||||
|
||||
I am DOS of Borg. Prepare...oops, out of memory!
|
||||
|
||||
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
|
||||
|
||||
All things considered, insanity may be the best alternative.
|
||||
|
||||
There will be a rain dance Friday, weather permitting.
|
||||
|
||||
Ultimate bachelor condiments: liquid lettuce and solid milk.
|
||||
|
||||
Don't bother pressing that key, there is no ESC.
|
||||
|
||||
She's so fat that when she sings, it's over.
|
||||
==============================={DREAM}===============================
|
||||
|
||||
702
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/found.hum
Normal file
702
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/found.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,702 @@
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
{ed Recently I have been getting more and more submissions of the
|
||||
"Found Humour" type -- true life news, notes and experiences with
|
||||
a humourous bent. If I get a really good one, it goes directly to
|
||||
the newsgroup. The medium to good ones will show up in digests like
|
||||
this. They aren't really jokes, but they are often quite amusing.}
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Subject: Phyllis Schlafly, Eat Yer Heart Out!
|
||||
From: bph@buengc.BU.EDU (Blair P. Houghton)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
>From the Boston University Wall Calendar, entry under May 17:
|
||||
|
||||
"1934 More than thirty
|
||||
women receive letter awards
|
||||
for excellence in athletics,
|
||||
scholarship, and posture."
|
||||
|
||||
--Blair
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 88 14:08:58 EST
|
||||
From: watmath!blake.acs.washington.edu!wildstar (wildstar)
|
||||
Subject: Details, details....
|
||||
|
||||
[From The Seattle Times, Saturday, Dec 17th]
|
||||
|
||||
"The University of Wisconsin presented nearly 4,000 diplomas to graduates
|
||||
in May, but it took six months for someone to notice that the name of the
|
||||
state was misspelled 'Wisconson'."
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Thu, 12 Jan 89 11:38:42 EST
|
||||
From: watmath!uunet!masscomp.masscomp.com!danny
|
||||
Subject: Hypothetical Relationship
|
||||
|
||||
(Scene: My girlfriend and I are in a restaurant, and a strikingly
|
||||
attractive woman walks by.)
|
||||
|
||||
Girlfriend: Would you date her?
|
||||
|
||||
Me: Ummm...1958?
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
(This is a certified genuine original quip. It was invented by me,
|
||||
and it is mine. It actually happened. - Dan Pearl)
|
||||
|
||||
Daniel Pearl ...!uunet!masscomp!danny
|
||||
c/o CONCURRENT -- 1 Technology Way -- Westford, MA 01886
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
From: gauss@homxc.ATT.COM (E.GAUSS)
|
||||
Newsgroups: rec.aviation
|
||||
Subject: Risk, was Re: Passenger miles ...
|
||||
Summary: How to make your travel safer
|
||||
Organization: AT&T BL Holmdel NJ USA
|
||||
|
||||
I am afraid that I have to blame Alice Dunsmuir for this one. She
|
||||
was the occasional secretary and booking agent for Fat Moose. One
|
||||
passanger was very worried about getting on an airplane that had a
|
||||
bomb on board. The arguement that this was less than a one in a million
|
||||
chance really was not working. So Alice suggested that the passanger
|
||||
carry a bomb on board, for the chance of getting on an airplane with
|
||||
two bombs on board was so small as to be almost never.
|
||||
|
||||
Ed Gauss, Fat Moose Flying Service, retired
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
From: WHMurray@DOCKMASTER.ARPA
|
||||
Subject: Quality of Evidence
|
||||
|
||||
{ed Reported in comp.risks}
|
||||
|
||||
Recently, in an archeological excavation in the middle east, a large stone
|
||||
tablet was unearthed. Scholars determined that it was an ancient audit
|
||||
report, complaining about the use of papyrus scrolls by the scribes. It was
|
||||
clear that such scrolls lacked the evidential integrity of stone and clay
|
||||
tablets.
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 89 01:33:49 EST
|
||||
From: watmath!rutgers!eniac.seas.upenn.edu!remaker (Phillip A. Remaker)
|
||||
Subject: Crosby Stills & Nash spcial on the radio
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
A radio program about Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young aired recently in
|
||||
Philadelphia. The documentary outlined their dramatic impact on the world
|
||||
of music and focused some on the bands social commentaries.
|
||||
|
||||
The program was sponsored by the U. S. Navy.
|
||||
|
||||
Ah, the times they have a-changed.....
|
||||
|
||||
-Phil Remaker, Univ. of PA, remaker@eniac.seas.upenn.edu
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 89 11:18:15 EST
|
||||
Subject: shouldn't have had beans for dinner...
|
||||
From: grant@looking.UUCP (Grant Robinson)
|
||||
|
||||
>From an Associated Press article:
|
||||
|
||||
MAN FLIES MATTRESS AS HOME EXPLODES
|
||||
|
||||
- Crystal Lake, Illinois.
|
||||
|
||||
A flying mattress carries a 79 year old man to safety as his suburban home
|
||||
was levelled by a natural gas explosion. The incident occurred Thursday
|
||||
morning as James Steurer was sitting on his bed putting on his shoes.
|
||||
Moments later he was still sitting on his mattress - outside on the
|
||||
driveway, blown out of side wall of his home by the force of the explosion,
|
||||
which also threw a side wall of the home against a next-door garage, and
|
||||
gave off a blast of heat that melted the siding on a neighboring house.
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Sat, 21 Jan 89 18:16:16 MST
|
||||
From: watmath!uunet!mimsy!oddjob.uchicago.edu!isis!aburt (Andrew Burt)
|
||||
Subject: The first time is free
|
||||
Organization: Math/CS, University of Denver
|
||||
|
||||
The following announcement was made on the PA system while we
|
||||
were browsing in a local Wal-Mart store:
|
||||
|
||||
Attention Wal-Mart Customers!
|
||||
|
||||
We are having a Red Light Special in the women's department!
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Subject: Pet names
|
||||
Date: Tue, 24 Jan 89 22:20:21 EST
|
||||
From: Jim Kelly <watmath!gatech!mailrus!ames!ptsfa.PacBell.COM!jmk>
|
||||
|
||||
>From "The Grab Bag" by L. M Boyd (San Francisco Chronicle,
|
||||
Jan. 22, 1989 - without permission)
|
||||
|
||||
Writes a client: "We've got a pet squirrel. A squirrel
|
||||
can gather 10,000 nuts in one season. We call ours
|
||||
Donahue."
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Tue, 24 Jan 89 21:17:49 EST
|
||||
From: Alexander Dupuy <watmath!rutgers!cs.columbia.edu!dupuy>
|
||||
Subject: psycho-ward humor
|
||||
|
||||
It is said that it is impossible to argue patients out of their delusions. As
|
||||
evidence, this apocryphal story is told about a patient suffering from the
|
||||
delusion that he is dead:
|
||||
|
||||
Medical Student: Now, what seems to be the problem here?
|
||||
|
||||
Patient: No problem, I'm just dead.
|
||||
|
||||
M. S.: No, no, you can't be dead. Look, you're standing here talking to me.
|
||||
You couldn't do that if you were dead, could you? (no response from P)
|
||||
|
||||
Now listen, (pinches him) that hurts, right? (no response from P)
|
||||
If you were dead, you wouldn't feel that, would you? (no response)
|
||||
|
||||
(aggravated, pinches harder) Don't try to tell me that doesn't hurt...
|
||||
(still no response)
|
||||
|
||||
(noticing that her pinching has drawn blood) Now look at that! You
|
||||
must be alive. Everyone knows dead people can't bleed!
|
||||
|
||||
P.: (staring at his arm) Amazing! I never knew dead people could bleed.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
@alex
|
||||
|
||||
P.S. A medical student friend told me that this was quite an old story in the
|
||||
Psychiatric E.R., but if you're not a medical student, you may find it new.
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Tue, 24 Jan 89 10:36:28 PST
|
||||
From: watmath!uunet!hpda!hplabs!well!alcmist (Frederick Wamsley)
|
||||
Subject: Computer dealers
|
||||
|
||||
A group of lions is called a pride, a flock of quail a covey. What do you
|
||||
call a group of computer dealers?
|
||||
|
||||
This was answered recently when computer dealers on the US East Coast
|
||||
organized a convention for dealers and called it the
|
||||
Long
|
||||
Island
|
||||
Computer
|
||||
Exposition
|
||||
|
||||
<true>
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Wed, 25 Jan 89 17:57:40 EST
|
||||
From: <watmath!research!ark>
|
||||
Subject: a true conversation
|
||||
|
||||
I was talking with two friends and the subject got around to
|
||||
jargon. You know, specialized terms that carry a whole wealth
|
||||
of meaning around with them, like `file' or `byte.'
|
||||
|
||||
The term under discussion in this case was `resistance.'
|
||||
One friend challenged the other to define it in non-
|
||||
technical terms. The second, who was always looking for
|
||||
opportunities to be crude, said
|
||||
|
||||
``Oh that's easy -- resistance is what you
|
||||
have to overcome to get a girl [sic -- this
|
||||
was in the early 70's] to go to bed with you.''
|
||||
|
||||
Without missing a beat, the other one said
|
||||
|
||||
``No, that's not resistance. That's impedance;
|
||||
because it has a real part and an imaginary part.''
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
From att!ihlpl!barth Fri Jan 27 00:15:00 1989
|
||||
Subject: Re: Margaret Thatcher joke
|
||||
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
|
||||
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories - Naperville, Illinois
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
In article <2676@looking.UUCP> you write:
|
||||
|
||||
>Through some cosmic fluke, Reagan, Thatcher, and Gorbachev all died on
|
||||
>the same day. Off they went to the gates of Heaven. Peter, seeing that
|
||||
>these were all VIPs, sent them straight off to the Almighty.
|
||||
...
|
||||
>God then called up Thatcher.
|
||||
>
|
||||
>"Margaret, my daughter, what have you to say for yourself?"
|
||||
>
|
||||
>"Only two things", replied Thatcher.
|
||||
>"First of all, I'm not your daughter. Secondly, get out of my chair!"
|
||||
|
||||
True story:
|
||||
|
||||
The Bank of England decided to replace the one pound banknote with a coin.
|
||||
In an apparent attempt to make the new coin look like the traditional one
|
||||
pound gold coin (refered to as a "sovereign"), it was to be thick, and was
|
||||
to be made out of a nickel-copper alloy, which had a yellowish color. When
|
||||
the new "round pound" was issued, it quickly garnered the nickname "Maggie
|
||||
Thatcher" because it was "round, thick, brassy, and acted like a sovereign."
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 01:46:41 EST
|
||||
From: <watmath!att!ihlpb!jeffjs>
|
||||
Subject: No Frills
|
||||
|
||||
My mother sent me this from a recent Reader's Pablum -- er, Digest:
|
||||
|
||||
On May 15, 1930, the first airline stewardesses boarded planes with the
|
||||
following set of instructions, notes an early Stewardess Manual:
|
||||
|
||||
- Keep the clock and altimeter wound up.
|
||||
- Carry a railroad timetable in case the plane is grounded.
|
||||
- Warn the passengers against throwing their cigars and cigarettes out
|
||||
the windows.
|
||||
- Keep an eye on passengers when they go to the lavatory to be sure they
|
||||
don't mistakenly go out the emergency exit.
|
||||
|
||||
-- Jeff Sargent att!ihlpb!jeffjs (UUCP), jeffjs@ihlpb.att.com (Internet)
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Sat, 12 Nov 88 15:28:54 CST
|
||||
From: Ed Ahrenhoerster <watmath!uunet!csd4.milw.wisc.edu!ed>
|
||||
Subject: Paper assignment
|
||||
|
||||
The following is the actual assignment given to me for my last paper
|
||||
in the course "Politics of the Middle East and North Africa".
|
||||
|
||||
Discuss the following issues as they relate to the country of Egypt:
|
||||
--> Its historical background.
|
||||
--> Its economic, political, and social structures.
|
||||
--> Its economic, political, and social problems.
|
||||
--> Its political regimes & their strategies of development.
|
||||
(Be sure to comment on the degree of success for each)
|
||||
--> An examination of the relationship between religion & politics.
|
||||
--> Its modernization processes.
|
||||
--> Its future political development.
|
||||
--> unique problems.
|
||||
|
||||
The paper should be approximately eight pages in length.
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
From: watmath!uunet!munnari!uowcsa.cs.uow.oz.au!ph (Phillip Herring)
|
||||
Subject: Toilets of the world
|
||||
Date: 2 Feb 89 00:02:21 GMT
|
||||
Organization: Uni of Wollongong, NSW, Australia
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
(I had resolved not to post anything this year, but this was too
|
||||
good to pass up. In the Bulletin's travel section for Jan. 17th,
|
||||
there was a box on horror toilets... here are a few excerpts,
|
||||
reproduced without permission...)
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------
|
||||
{ed Mildly Gross}
|
||||
|
||||
"The most unusual French loo I know is at the Argentiere Hut, in the
|
||||
Alps near Chamonix. It is a small cabin at the edge of a ledge, and
|
||||
the pans open directly onto a drop of several hundred metres onto a
|
||||
glacier. I noticed the climbers who went into it would pick up a few
|
||||
pebbles or shards of granite, which struck me as a particularly severe
|
||||
alternative to toilet paper, but it turned out they were for a
|
||||
different purpose. The toilet was effectively pressurised by the wind
|
||||
blasted up from below, so that when the job was done the uninitiated
|
||||
would step through the door accompanied by a cloud of used tissues
|
||||
and exclamations of horror."
|
||||
|
||||
[This sounds like the worst kind of air pollution imaginable.
|
||||
Presumably, the rocks were used as weights for ensuring that the used
|
||||
paper made it to the bottom. One expects that the glacier below would
|
||||
NOT be a popular spot... the next one's worse, though.]
|
||||
|
||||
"Unless the mujahideen have blown it up, the world's most threatening
|
||||
bathroom plumbing is in a block of several storeys not far from the main
|
||||
market in Kabul. It had several name changes, but for a while this
|
||||
nasty, bug-ridden hovel was called the Ambassador Private Hotel.
|
||||
|
||||
"The Ambassador had the most basic of loos, a hole in the floor. It
|
||||
became infamous among overland adventure tour operators before the
|
||||
Soviet invasion as more than one troubled guest settled down to the
|
||||
urgent task only to have their attention drawn to a sound from above.
|
||||
In their tentative incursion into highrise accomodation, the builders
|
||||
had put each bathroom above one another!"
|
||||
|
||||
[Imagine the surprise, just as you look up...]
|
||||
|
||||
Rev. Dr. Phil Herring, University of Wollongong
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Mon, 30 Jan 89 13:16:43 EST
|
||||
From: watmath!gatech!tektronix!tekigm2.MEN.TEK.COM!saurabhs (Saurabh Sonawala)
|
||||
Subject: A funny true story
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
From THE OREGONIAN (Wednesday, November 23, 1988)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Maria Teresa Egurrola, Miss Colombia, was at El Campin
|
||||
stadium in Bogota Sunday to kick out the first ball at a
|
||||
soccer match. In the presence of 40,000 fans and 200 police
|
||||
officers, she handed her purse to a man who offered to hold
|
||||
it for her. After her kicking bit, she turned to retrieve her
|
||||
purse. No man, no purse. Gone were her jewels, money, and ID.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Saurabh Sonawala
|
||||
saurabhs@tekigm2.men.tek.com
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
From: Doug Eastick <watmath!me.utoronto.ca!eastick>
|
||||
Subject: Unlimited double coupons
|
||||
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 89 23:07:13 EST
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
This was just printed in our Co-op's weekly newsletter. I
|
||||
don't know who submitted it:
|
||||
|
||||
This was one of the "unlimited double coupons" received at a 24-hour
|
||||
supermarket in Los Angeles last summer...
|
||||
|
||||
+---------------valuable coupon-----------------+
|
||||
| SAVE $100 with this coupon when making |
|
||||
| pre-need arrangements |
|
||||
| (expires 9-30-88) |
|
||||
| |
|
||||
| CHEVRA KADISHA MORTUARY |
|
||||
| 7832 Santa Monica Boulevard |
|
||||
| 653-8886 |
|
||||
| serving all cemeteries |
|
||||
+-----------------------------------------------+
|
||||
|
||||
(I don't know if it was honored or not).
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 89 09:36:11 EST
|
||||
From: amram@priest (Amram Hakohen)
|
||||
From: rassilon!stuart (Stuart Freedman x3262)
|
||||
Subject: University of Chicago
|
||||
|
||||
The National Opinion Research Council (NORC) at the University of Chicago
|
||||
reports that in a recent 11-year periond, the proportion of adults who
|
||||
say that have been in touch with the dead has, uh, risen from 27 percent
|
||||
to 42 percent.
|
||||
|
||||
(supply your own punchline)
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Tue, 7 Feb 89 09:56:49 EST
|
||||
From: Stan Lackey <watmath!mailrus!BBN.COM!slackey>
|
||||
Subject: Elementary education
|
||||
|
||||
(I realize this belongs in Reader's Distress, but I figured, go for it)
|
||||
|
||||
Inspired by recent testing of elementary students in math and science, I
|
||||
decided to check firsthand into my second grader's education.
|
||||
|
||||
Me: Do you know anything about circles?
|
||||
|
||||
Chris: Oh, yeah, we've learned about that since Kindergarten.
|
||||
|
||||
Me: Do you know what a radius is?
|
||||
|
||||
Chris: No.
|
||||
|
||||
Me: Do you know what a diameter is?
|
||||
|
||||
Chris: No.
|
||||
|
||||
Me: Do you know what a circumference is?
|
||||
|
||||
Chris: No.
|
||||
|
||||
OK, I thought. Try another tack.
|
||||
|
||||
Me: Do you know anything about squares?
|
||||
|
||||
Chris (after slight pause): I THOUGHT I did.
|
||||
|
||||
-Stan
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Sat, 4 Feb 89 00:19:18 CST
|
||||
From: "Ron Pekar" <cs.utexas.edu!oddjob.uchicago.edu!peka%tank>
|
||||
Subject: Criminal Investigation at Chicago Board of Trade...true story
|
||||
|
||||
When the F.B.I. puts people undercover, it wants them to behave like
|
||||
the locals. Traders in Chicago are fond of (illegal) sports betting pools.
|
||||
The undercover agents, of course, participated in this (illegal) activity.
|
||||
The U.S. Attorney made his first set of indictments on the Friday
|
||||
before the Super Bowl. At this point, the agents' cover is blown.
|
||||
As expected, all the agents participated in the Super Bowl pool.
|
||||
What wasn't expected is that one of the agents would have placed the
|
||||
winning bet. The pool contained $4000. Furthermore, decorum requires
|
||||
that the winner personally collect his money. Needless to say, the pot
|
||||
remains uncollected.
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Subject: mislabelled mail
|
||||
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 89 01:24:06 EST
|
||||
From: watmath!lsuc!dave (David Sherman)
|
||||
|
||||
One of my favourite envelopes is the one which came
|
||||
addressed to me at "The Lost Society of Upper Canada".
|
||||
|
||||
-- David Sherman
|
||||
The Law Society of Upper Canada
|
||||
(equivalent to a state bar association, for you Americans)
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
From: daver!apple!sun!hplabs!hpcllla!daryl
|
||||
Subject: Tom Jones Annecdote
|
||||
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 89 09:11:35 PST
|
||||
|
||||
The following story is an excerpt from an interview with singer
|
||||
Tom Jones published in the San Fransisco Examiner 2/12/89.
|
||||
|
||||
The interviewer asked Mr. Jones whether he ever has problems with
|
||||
the husbands of the women who throw their underwear onto the stage
|
||||
during his performances.
|
||||
|
||||
"One night a woman came down to the stage to retrieve an
|
||||
undergarment and I gave her a big kiss. I asked her name,
|
||||
and if she was married. She said 'yes' and pointed out
|
||||
her husband at a nearby table. I explained to him that the
|
||||
kiss was all in fun and that I hoped he hadn't taken offense.
|
||||
He just smiled and said, 'Look, you pump up the tires, and
|
||||
I'll ride the bike.'"
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Daryl Odnert
|
||||
daryl%hpcllla@hplabs.hp.com
|
||||
Hewlett-Packard
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 89 21:34:45 EST
|
||||
From: watmath!gatech!ucsd!brian (Brian Kantor)
|
||||
Subject: Home Entertainment
|
||||
|
||||
Does anyone besides myself find it deliciously subtle that
|
||||
the March 1989 issue of Consumer Reports magazine is billed
|
||||
as the "Home-Entertainment Special" issue, with a feature
|
||||
lead article evaluating and rating CONDOMS?
|
||||
|
||||
Of course, they're not just for use at home....
|
||||
- Brian
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 89 18:19:43 EST
|
||||
From: watmath!june.cs.washington.edu!louns (Michael Lounsbery)
|
||||
Subject: moral decline
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
A few years ago, a friend of mine had a copy of this on his door. It seems
|
||||
genuine, with an official-looking letterhead. You might like it....
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
HAMDARD FOUNDATION PAKISTAN
|
||||
|
||||
26 Oct 1982
|
||||
|
||||
Dear Sir/Madam
|
||||
|
||||
The declining moral situation around us is a portent threatening mankind,
|
||||
and is causing much consternation to every thinking soul, especially to the
|
||||
intellectuals among us. Responsible citizens throughout the world often
|
||||
wonder whether they should remain dumb witnesses to this moral landslide.
|
||||
|
||||
As a scholar and humanitarian you must have assessed this situation and your
|
||||
keen eyes must have travelled far and deep to view the moral decline of
|
||||
today and the situation resulting from it. You must have also thought about
|
||||
an answer.
|
||||
|
||||
Would you be so very kind as to express your views on the moral decline and
|
||||
its causes and also to please put down on a piece of paper the ways you
|
||||
propose to deal with the situation?
|
||||
|
||||
I am addressing this letter to nearly ten thousand of scholars and thinkers
|
||||
and it is my wish to collect and preserve their views and, if necessary, to
|
||||
give these views the form of a book and arrange for the distribution of such
|
||||
a book.
|
||||
|
||||
The two very important questions are:
|
||||
|
||||
1. What is your opinion about the moral bankruptcy which is so
|
||||
rampant today, what are in your views its causes and how do you
|
||||
propose to remedy them?
|
||||
|
||||
2. Would you bracket together the dangers to the peace and moral
|
||||
lapses and how do you suggest to rehabilitate the peace and order?
|
||||
|
||||
Kindly write your lofty ideas in a minimum number of words, say 500, on your
|
||||
letter-head or on plain paper and send it to me with your address. This will
|
||||
be a valuable piece of writing which shall be preserved in the Hamdard
|
||||
Library. I am sure you will grant acceptance to my request and give me the
|
||||
honour to be the trustee of your note.
|
||||
|
||||
I present my high compliments.
|
||||
|
||||
Yours truly,
|
||||
Hakim Mohammed Said
|
||||
President
|
||||
Hamdard Foundation Pakistan
|
||||
|
||||
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Michael (louns@june.cs.washington.edu)
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Sun, 19 Feb 89 21:55:34 EST
|
||||
From: watmath!cs.utexas.edu!brad
|
||||
Subject: Our tax dollars at work...
|
||||
|
||||
[Mayor Lee] Cooke said he started actual salary negotiations with
|
||||
Barnett a week ago because, "I just wanted to have all my ducks in a
|
||||
row so if we did get into a posture we could pretty much slam dunk
|
||||
this thing and put it to bed."
|
||||
|
||||
From the Austin American-Statesman
|
||||
Saturday, 18 February, front page
|
||||
|
||||
[Austin has been trying to find a new city manager for over a year,
|
||||
and recently hired Barnett after a great deal of behind the scenes
|
||||
wheeling and dealing, much to the chagrin of some city officials who
|
||||
claimed that the spirit of the open meeting policy had been violated.]
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Fri, 17 Feb 89 11:07:50 EST
|
||||
From: watmath!blake.acs.washington.edu!dwunsch (Don Wunsch)
|
||||
Subject: True bathroom humor
|
||||
|
||||
This appeared in today's (2/17) Seattle Post-Intelligencer:
|
||||
|
||||
It was a flush with a rush.
|
||||
Toilets and urinals in the King County Courthouse
|
||||
exploded yesterday after a worker in Metro's downtown bus
|
||||
tunnel mistakenly connected an air compressor to the building's
|
||||
water line.
|
||||
As soon as hapless individuals flushed the pressurized
|
||||
privies, the plumbing started popping in restrooms throughout
|
||||
the 72-year-old building, said building services manager Bill
|
||||
Kemp.
|
||||
"They started blowing at about 11:30 (a.m.) and it took
|
||||
us awhile to figure it out," he recounted."We knew it had to be
|
||||
air in the system but the Water Department said that was imposs-
|
||||
ible."
|
||||
It wasn't. The source of the problem was finally tracked
|
||||
to the tunnel under Third Avenue, and the errant air compressor
|
||||
was shut down.
|
||||
But not before employees on every floor in the 10-story
|
||||
courthouse had stories to tell about gushing geysers in the john.
|
||||
"WE think we've lost about 20 to 25 toilets," said Kemp.
|
||||
"The porcelain is actually cracked."
|
||||
"Kemp said no one has admitted being hurt by the unusual
|
||||
blast, although several people were badly drenched. Or very
|
||||
surprized.
|
||||
Explained Kemp, "The urinals acted more like bidets."
|
||||
We had other reports that people were not necessairily on the toilet
|
||||
but close."...
|
||||
"This has not exactly been a good day for Metro," he noted.
|
||||
|
||||
by Mary Rothschild --P-I Reporter
|
||||
|
||||
Sure started my day with a laugh!
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 89 16:51:08 AES
|
||||
From: watmath!uunet!munnari!attila.oz.au!pete (Peter Merel)
|
||||
Subject: Cockroaches.
|
||||
Cc: pete
|
||||
|
||||
This is a True Story. It actually happened recently to three friends of mine.
|
||||
Reproduced with permission, and with apologies to Lovecraft.
|
||||
|
||||
Mark, Cathy and Harry share an apartment with a family of several thousand
|
||||
cockroaches. Australian cockroaches are, of course, far larger, hungrier,
|
||||
and more aggressive than their counterparts in other countries. One day,
|
||||
becoming annoyed at the constant patter of tiny tentacles, the suspicious
|
||||
crunching sounds that should never come from a cheese sandwich, and especially
|
||||
peeved at finding the furniture rearranged without notice, Mark decided to
|
||||
commit genocide. He bought a can of surface spray.
|
||||
|
||||
A distorted leer on his face, he methodically covered the skirting
|
||||
boards, cupboards, cracks, nooks and lairs of his enemy with the fast-acting
|
||||
contact poison. He was merciless, rooting out forgotten nests and spraying
|
||||
crucial strategic points with the fine but deadly mist. When the can
|
||||
finally ran out, he knew that morning would see a newer, cleaner, better
|
||||
world for humans to live in. Smug and confident in his powers, he settled
|
||||
down for a well-earned rest.
|
||||
|
||||
Night fell. A clear, silent moonlit night. Quiet. Perhaps, too quiet. For
|
||||
the first time in memory, no scampering of greasy exoskeleton, no clacking
|
||||
of mandibles, no buzz of shadowy wings to disturb the great white mammals,
|
||||
dormant and safe in their nocturnal hibernation. All around the hunting
|
||||
fields, tantalising with the promise of cheese sandwiches, a heavy pall
|
||||
hung. Not an inch, not a smidgeon, not a scad of floor space could be
|
||||
found that was not covered with the insidious but certain death. Not even
|
||||
a place to stand, except ...
|
||||
|
||||
Harry woke with it. He thought it was the rain. But the night
|
||||
was clear. The moon shone through his bedroom window. Then he felt it.
|
||||
Then he started to scream.
|
||||
|
||||
Mark and Cathy ran to Harry's room, armed with large blunt objects. The
|
||||
door was locked. Inside, they could hear whimpering, a tiny voice
|
||||
crying "No no no no ...", and the sound of rain. Mark hammered on the
|
||||
door. Cathy went to ring the police. The door thudded once, and then
|
||||
the bolt drew back, the lock turned, the door slowly opened, the light
|
||||
snapped on. Mark and Cathy drew breath as one, turned and fled,
|
||||
screaming, into the night, followed after a period by the shambling
|
||||
wreck that had been Harry. His bed was littered with hundreds of twisted
|
||||
black cockroach corpses, fallen from a teaming leathery mass that
|
||||
entirely covered the ceiling. And they made a sound like rain ...
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 89 14:58:51 EST
|
||||
From: Charles Michel Boucher <watmath!gatech!UALTAVM.gatech.edu!CBOUCHER>
|
||||
Subject: Funny jokes
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
From the Civil War SongBook, published circa 1965.
|
||||
|
||||
Articles of incorporation of the Springfield Militia
|
||||
|
||||
1. This Company shall be known as the Springfield Militia.
|
||||
|
||||
2. In case of war, this company shall immediately disband.
|
||||
---------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
From: bills@hpcilzb.HP.COM (Bill Standerfer)
|
||||
Forwarder: watmath!blake.acs.washington.edu!wildstar (wildstar)
|
||||
Newsgroups: rec.aviation
|
||||
Subject: Boeing Sense of Humor?
|
||||
Date: 10 Jan 89 16:37:33 GMT
|
||||
Organization: HP Design Tech Center - Santa Clara, CA
|
||||
|
||||
I was paging through a recently acquired 727 manual and came across this little
|
||||
gem of wisdom. (GPWS is the ground proximity warning system. It tells the
|
||||
crew when the ground is getting too close for what they're doing.)
|
||||
|
||||
"Note: the GPWS will not provide a warning if an airplane is flying
|
||||
directly towards a vertical cliff."
|
||||
|
||||
Gee, thanks. I'll keep that in mind. :-}
|
||||
|
||||
--
|
||||
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
|
||||
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
|
||||
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
92
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/fudd.txt
Normal file
92
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/fudd.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,92 @@
|
||||
... I was bown in a cwossfiwe huwwicane-Jumpin Jack Fudd
|
||||
". . evewy giwls cwazy 'bout a baldheaded man . ." - ZZ Fudd
|
||||
"Ah'm just a singew in a wock and woll band" - Moody Fudds
|
||||
"Jesus just weft Chicago, and he's bound for New Oweans" - ZZ Fudd
|
||||
"Wide, Captain, Wide, on youw mystewy ship...." E.Fudd
|
||||
". . . aww my wowdy fwiends have settwed down . . ." - Hank Fudd, Jr.
|
||||
"Entew night, entew wight, off to nevew, nevew wand" * Fuddalica
|
||||
" wunnin', *wunnin' with the devil*, cause I'm wunnin' " - Van Fudd
|
||||
". my memowy has been sowd, my angew is a centewfowd!" - J. Fudd Band
|
||||
"...She don't wide, she don't wide.......cocaine." * Elmer Clapton
|
||||
". dweam weavew, I bewieve you can get me thwough ." - Elmew Wwight
|
||||
"Swells wike teen spiwit" - Fuddwana
|
||||
"Widdle miss widdle miss caaan't be wong..."-Fudd Doctors
|
||||
"I just want to fowwwget you" - Kudd
|
||||
Exit light,entew night,howdn my hand,off to nevew-nevew wand-Fuddalica
|
||||
Thank God Almighty, I'm fwee at wast! <20> M. L. Fudd Jr.
|
||||
". . . *hot*, *bwuuuuuue*, and *wiiiiiighteous* . . ." - ZZ Fudd
|
||||
"Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting tagwines!"
|
||||
"I didn't shoot Pwezident Kennedy!" Fudd Harvey Oswald
|
||||
"... the vetewan cosmic rockew" * Moody Fudds
|
||||
"Knights in white satin, nevew weaching the end..." * Moody Fudds
|
||||
". . . tip-toe thwough the tuwips . . ." - Tiny Fudd
|
||||
(c) Copywight 1992 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
|
||||
"Wet it woll . down the highway! Woll! ." - Bachman-Fudd Overdrive
|
||||
"To Bwe or not to bwe, thwat wis the qwestion" Fuddlet
|
||||
"Joween": Dowwy Fudd
|
||||
"I'w nevew be youw beast of buwden...."!Rolling Fudds
|
||||
"A weal Amewican Hewo, GI Joe is thewe..." ! G.I. Elmer
|
||||
I Woke up this mownin, and I got myself a beew"-The Fudds
|
||||
"I weaw my sungwasses at night..." ! Cory Fudd
|
||||
I'm a wocket mannnn . . . Elton Fudd
|
||||
...Wollin', Wollin', Wollin' on a wivew.......- Tina Fudd
|
||||
. . . thewe's a bad moon on de wise . . ." - Elmer Fudd Revival
|
||||
"in the mowning to the awawm cwocks wawning" - Bachman-Fudd Overdrive
|
||||
"Youw Ten Miwwion dowwar check couwd be in de maiw!" - Elmer McMahon
|
||||
Come out wittle bunny wabbit (Blam) Gun controwl dat!
|
||||
"Wolling, wolling, wolling, keep them doggies wolling" Frankie Fudd
|
||||
"I know it's only wock and woll..." - Wolling Fudds
|
||||
"Wemonaid, that kwool wefweshing dwink".... Eddie Murphy Elvis Fudd
|
||||
"Aww we aww is dust in the wind...:!Fuddsas
|
||||
Twansfowmews -- wobots in disguise! <20> Optimus Fudd
|
||||
Way, waydy, Way, acwoss my big bwass bed. Bob "FUD" Dywan
|
||||
"I know it's only wock and woll..." - Wolling Fudds
|
||||
"It don't mattew if you're bwack or white" - Fudd Jackson
|
||||
"...and the colowed giwl goes dotodoo todo do" - Lou Fudd
|
||||
"Wock and Woll Hootchie-coo" - Wick Fuddingew
|
||||
"Wockin' Wobin, tweet tweet, Wockin Wobin.." - Fuddson 5
|
||||
". . . come on and take a fwee wide . . ." - Elmer Winters Group
|
||||
"She's got a thing dat's cawwed . . wadaw wove." - Golden Fuddring
|
||||
"We got a thing that's cawwed wadar wove..."!White Fudd
|
||||
"We'we tiny, we'we toony, we'we aww a wittwl woony..."!Tiny Fudds
|
||||
...just a sweet twasnvestite fwom Twansexual, Twansywvania!Fuddnfurter
|
||||
"... the vetewan cosmic rockew" * Moody Fudds
|
||||
". don't teww my heawt, my achy-bweaky heawt ." - Billy Ray Fudd
|
||||
"stowmtwoopew's coming and you bettew get pwepawed" - Elmer Nugent
|
||||
"I'ww be a foow fow youw loving no mowe"! Whitefudd
|
||||
"Secwet Agent Man...they've given you a numbew..."!Johnny Fudders
|
||||
"And He shaww weign fowevew and evew." - Georg Fudderick Handel
|
||||
"Spwing Song" - Fuddix Mendelssohn-Bartholdy
|
||||
"Jingwe Bewws" - J. Fudd Pierpont
|
||||
"Hawk, the Hewawd Angews Sing" - Fuddix Mendelssohn-Bartholdy
|
||||
"The Hebwides (Fingaw's Cave)" - Fuddix Mendelssohn-Bartholdy
|
||||
"I Wove Thee" - EdFudd Grieg
|
||||
"In the Haww Of the Mountain King" - EdFudd Grieg
|
||||
"Finwandia" - Fudd Sibelius
|
||||
"Piwgwims' Chowus" - RichFudd Wagner
|
||||
"My Heawt Is Evew Faithfuw" - JoFudd Sebastian Bach
|
||||
"Wuwwaby" - JoFuddes Brahms
|
||||
"Sewenade" - Fudd Schubert
|
||||
"The Mawwiage Of Figawo" - WolfFudd Amadeus Mozart
|
||||
"By the Beautifuw Bwue Danube" - JoFudd Strauss, Jr.
|
||||
"Wove Fow Thwee Owanges" - SerFudd Prokofiev
|
||||
"Vocawise" - SerFudd Rachmaninov
|
||||
Tuwkish Mawch" - Ludwig Fudd Beethoven
|
||||
" . . . dis is just what de doctow owdewed!" - Elmer Nugent
|
||||
". . . onwy the stwong suwvive . . ." - REO Fuddwagon
|
||||
". . . Wock de boat, don't wock de boat, baby . . ." - The Fudd Corp.
|
||||
"Tuwn, Tuwn, Tuwn"...Bachman-Fudd Overdrive
|
||||
I need a lovew that won't dwive me cwazy - Elmer Cougar
|
||||
...Dweam On, Dweam until youw dweams come twue!- AewoFudd
|
||||
Stop dwaggin' my heawt awound... Stevie Fudds/Elmer Petty
|
||||
I need a lovew that won't dwive me cwazy. Fudd Benataw
|
||||
. . . wike pigs on de wing . . ." - Pink Fudd
|
||||
" Bown fweeeee.... as fwee as the wind bwows ": Fuddy Williams <20>
|
||||
Woxanne! you don't cawe if it's wwong ow it's wight.Wox..
|
||||
. . . don't you know dat you awe a shooting staw . . ." Fudd Company
|
||||
Geowgia, Geowgia, you'we awways on my mind . . ." - Ray Fudd
|
||||
It bweaks my heawt to see those staws....Elmer Hyatt
|
||||
... cest wa vie, when youw weaves aww tuwn to bwown-Emerson, Fudd & Palmer
|
||||
...Smashing a pewfectwy goooood guitaw! Elmer Hyatt
|
||||
Stop dwaggin' my heawt awound... Stevie Fudds/Elmer Petty
|
||||
Shhh! be vewy quiet. I'm hunting womulans.
|
||||
854
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/grouchy.txt
Normal file
854
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/grouchy.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,854 @@
|
||||
A Grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it
|
||||
almost pays to be one.
|
||||
--Kin Hubbard--
|
||||
|
||||
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament!
|
||||
--Florynce Kennedy--
|
||||
|
||||
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's
|
||||
resemblance to ourselves.
|
||||
--Ambrose Bierce--
|
||||
|
||||
Advertising may be described as the science of
|
||||
arresting human intelligence long enough to
|
||||
get money from it.
|
||||
--Stephen Leacock--
|
||||
|
||||
Advertising is 85 percent confusion and
|
||||
15 percent commission.
|
||||
--Fred Allen--
|
||||
|
||||
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because
|
||||
it is the cheapest way of seeling goods, particularly
|
||||
if the goods are worthless.
|
||||
--Sinclair Lewis--
|
||||
|
||||
Advertising is legalized lying.
|
||||
--H. G. Wells--
|
||||
|
||||
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks
|
||||
as much as you do.
|
||||
--Dylan Thomas--
|
||||
|
||||
Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging
|
||||
alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only
|
||||
in men who are giving away someone else's cash.
|
||||
--P. G. Wodehouse--
|
||||
|
||||
Every major horror of history was committed in the name
|
||||
of an altruistic motive. Has any act of selfishness
|
||||
ever equalled the carnage perpetrated by disciples
|
||||
of altruism?
|
||||
--Ayan Rand--
|
||||
|
||||
In our country we have those three unspeakably
|
||||
precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of
|
||||
conscience, and the prudence never to practice
|
||||
either.
|
||||
--Mark Twain--
|
||||
|
||||
In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of
|
||||
the world it is a fact.
|
||||
--Marlene Dietrich--
|
||||
|
||||
America is the greatest of opportunities and the
|
||||
worst of influences.
|
||||
--George Santayana--
|
||||
|
||||
The discovery of America was the occasion of the
|
||||
greatest outburst of cruelty and reckless greed
|
||||
known in history.
|
||||
--Joseph Conrad--
|
||||
|
||||
The genius of you Americans is that you never
|
||||
make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated
|
||||
stupid moves which make us wonder at the possi-
|
||||
bility that there may be something to them which
|
||||
we are missing.
|
||||
--Gamal Abdel Nasser--
|
||||
|
||||
Animals have these advantages over man: they
|
||||
have no theologians to instruct them, their
|
||||
funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts
|
||||
lawsuits over their wills.
|
||||
--Voltaire--
|
||||
|
||||
There is no underestimating the intelligence
|
||||
of the American public.
|
||||
--H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
Democracy is the are of running the circus
|
||||
from the monkey cage.
|
||||
--H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
Perhaps the most revolting character that the United
|
||||
States ever produced was the Christian business man.
|
||||
--H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
The trouble with New York is that it has no
|
||||
nationality at all. It is simply a sort of free port --
|
||||
a place where the raw materials of civilization are
|
||||
received, sorted out, and sent further on.
|
||||
--H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
Texas is the place where there are the most cows and
|
||||
the least milk and the most rivers and the least
|
||||
water in them, and where you can look the farthest
|
||||
and see the least.
|
||||
--H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of
|
||||
being sooner ended.
|
||||
--George Bernard Shaw--
|
||||
|
||||
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't under-
|
||||
stand that bother me, it's the parts that I do
|
||||
understand.
|
||||
--Mark Twain--
|
||||
|
||||
So far as I can remember, there is not one word
|
||||
in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
|
||||
--Bertrand Russell--
|
||||
|
||||
Scriptures....The sacred books of our holy religion,
|
||||
as distinguished from the false and profane writings
|
||||
on which all other faiths are based.
|
||||
--Ambrose Bierce--
|
||||
|
||||
The inspiration of the Bible depends on the ignorance
|
||||
of the person who reads it.
|
||||
--Robert G. Ingersoll--
|
||||
|
||||
No one recovers from the disease of being born; a
|
||||
deadly wound if there ever was one.
|
||||
--E. M. Cioran--
|
||||
|
||||
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they
|
||||
are an even bigger pain the second time around.
|
||||
--Herb Caen--
|
||||
|
||||
He's a born-again Christian. The trouble is, he
|
||||
suffered brain damage during rebirth.
|
||||
--Anonymous--
|
||||
|
||||
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
|
||||
remarkable Christian forebearance among men.
|
||||
--Ambrose Bierce--
|
||||
|
||||
Boyys are capital fellows in their own way, among their
|
||||
mages; but they are unwholesome companions for grown people.
|
||||
--Charles Lamb--
|
||||
|
||||
It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin
|
||||
we are all brothers. The truth is more likely that
|
||||
under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins,
|
||||
traitors, liars and hypocrites.
|
||||
--Henry Miller--
|
||||
|
||||
Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies.
|
||||
--Honore' De Balzac--
|
||||
|
||||
Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
|
||||
--Aldous Huxley--
|
||||
|
||||
Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces
|
||||
pimples; in others, sex laws.
|
||||
--Karl Kraus--
|
||||
|
||||
One of the serious obstacles to the improvement
|
||||
of our race is indiscrimiate charity.
|
||||
--Andrew Carnegie--
|
||||
|
||||
Chess is a foolish expedient for making idle people
|
||||
believe they are doing something very clever when
|
||||
they are only wasting their time.
|
||||
--George Bernard Shaw--
|
||||
|
||||
Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence
|
||||
as you can find outside an advertising agency.
|
||||
--Raymond Chandler--
|
||||
|
||||
There are three terrible ages of childhood -- 1 to
|
||||
10, 10 to 20, and 20 to 30.
|
||||
--Cleveland Amory--
|
||||
|
||||
The secret of dealing successfully with a child
|
||||
is not to be its parent.
|
||||
--Mell Lazarus--
|
||||
|
||||
The best way to keep children at home is to make
|
||||
the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air
|
||||
out of the tires. --Dorothy Parker--
|
||||
|
||||
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
|
||||
--Ralph Waldo Emerson--
|
||||
|
||||
We are given children to test us and make us
|
||||
more spiritual. --George F. Will--
|
||||
|
||||
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his
|
||||
martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?
|
||||
--Jules Feiffer--
|
||||
|
||||
If Christ were here now there is one thing he
|
||||
would not be -- A Christian.
|
||||
--Mark Twain--
|
||||
|
||||
The last Christian died on the cross.
|
||||
--Anonymous--
|
||||
|
||||
Organized Christianity has probably done more to
|
||||
retard the ideals that were its founder's than
|
||||
any other agency in the world.
|
||||
--Richard LeGallienne--
|
||||
|
||||
Of learned men, the clergy show the lowest development
|
||||
of professional ethics. Any pastor is free to steal
|
||||
customers from the divines of rival sects, and to
|
||||
denounce the divines themselves as theological quacks.
|
||||
--H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
A clergyman is one who feels himself called upon to
|
||||
live without working at the expense of the rascals
|
||||
who work to live. --Voltaire--
|
||||
|
||||
Communism is like one big phone company.
|
||||
--Lenny Bruce--
|
||||
|
||||
It could probably be shown be facts and figures that there
|
||||
is no distinctively native American criminal class --
|
||||
except Congress. --Mark Twain--
|
||||
|
||||
Conservative......A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as
|
||||
distinguished from a liberal, who wishes to
|
||||
replace them with others.
|
||||
--Ambrose Bierce--
|
||||
|
||||
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
|
||||
--Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.
|
||||
--Nietzsche--
|
||||
|
||||
Corporation......An ingenious device for obtaining individual
|
||||
profit without individual responsibility.
|
||||
--Ambrose Bierce--
|
||||
|
||||
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how its done,
|
||||
they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it
|
||||
themselves. --Brendan Behan--
|
||||
|
||||
Critics are a dissembling, dishonest, contemptible
|
||||
race. Asking a working writer wht he thinks about
|
||||
critics is likd asking a fire plug what it feels
|
||||
about dogs. --John Osborne--
|
||||
|
||||
The power of accurate observation is commonly called
|
||||
cynicism by those who have not got it.
|
||||
--George Bernard Shaw--
|
||||
|
||||
Democracy encourages the majority to decide things
|
||||
about which the majority is blissfully ignorant.
|
||||
--John Simon--
|
||||
|
||||
The substitution of election by the incompetent many
|
||||
for appointment by the corrupt few properly describes
|
||||
the institution of Democracy.
|
||||
--George Bernard Shaw--
|
||||
|
||||
Democracy becomes a government of bullies, barely
|
||||
tempered by editors. --Laurence J. Peters--
|
||||
|
||||
One of the most common of all diseases is diagnosis.
|
||||
--Karl Kraus--
|
||||
|
||||
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only
|
||||
difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas
|
||||
doctors rob you and kill you too.
|
||||
--Anton Chekhov--
|
||||
|
||||
Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made
|
||||
stupid by education. --Bertrand Russell--
|
||||
|
||||
We are shut up in schools and college recitation
|
||||
rooms for ten or fifteen years, and come out at
|
||||
last with a bellyful of words and do not know
|
||||
a thing. --Ralph Waldo Emerson--
|
||||
|
||||
Education is a method whereby one acquires a
|
||||
higher grade of prejudices.
|
||||
--Laurence J. Peter--
|
||||
|
||||
Equality may perhaps be a right, but no power on
|
||||
earth can ever turn it into a fact.
|
||||
--Honore' de Balzac--
|
||||
|
||||
We learn from experience that men never learn
|
||||
anything from experience. -- Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of
|
||||
his best friend. --Groucho Marx--
|
||||
|
||||
Faith.....Belief without evidence inwhat is told by
|
||||
one sho speaks without knowledge, of things
|
||||
without parallel. --Ambrose Bierce--
|
||||
|
||||
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief
|
||||
in the occurrence of the improbable.
|
||||
--H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows
|
||||
that faith does not prove anything.
|
||||
--Nietzsche--
|
||||
|
||||
The most common of all follies is to believe passionately
|
||||
in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of
|
||||
mankind. --H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
When I can no longer bear to think of the
|
||||
victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the
|
||||
victims of intact ones. --Peter DeVries--
|
||||
|
||||
Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much.
|
||||
--Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
France is th only couontry where the money falls
|
||||
apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
|
||||
--Billy Wilder--
|
||||
|
||||
What I gained by being in France was learning to
|
||||
be better satisfied with my own country.
|
||||
--Samual Johnson--
|
||||
|
||||
France? I would have loved it -- without the French.
|
||||
--D. H. Lawrence--
|
||||
|
||||
When people are free to do as they please, they
|
||||
usually imitate each other. --Eric Hoffer--
|
||||
|
||||
Friendship is a very taxing and arduous form of
|
||||
leisure activity. --Mortimer Adler--
|
||||
|
||||
If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot
|
||||
stomping on a human face -- forever.
|
||||
--George Orwell--
|
||||
|
||||
"Gay" used to be one of the most agreeable words in
|
||||
the language. Its appropriation by a notably morose
|
||||
group is an act of piracy.
|
||||
--Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.--
|
||||
|
||||
When a true genius appears in the world you may
|
||||
know him by this sign: that all the dunces are
|
||||
in confederacy against him. --Jonathon Swift--
|
||||
|
||||
Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors
|
||||
after the money is gone. --John Ciardi--
|
||||
|
||||
The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.
|
||||
--Stendhal--
|
||||
|
||||
God seems to have left the receiver off the hook
|
||||
and time is running out. --Arthur Koestler--
|
||||
|
||||
It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person
|
||||
to reconcile himself to the idea that after all God
|
||||
will not help him. --H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
He (God) seems to have an inordinate fondness for beetles.
|
||||
--J. B. S. Haldane--
|
||||
|
||||
The good die young -- because they see it's no use living
|
||||
if you've got to be good. --John Barrymore--
|
||||
|
||||
On the whole, human beings want to be good, but
|
||||
not too good and not quite all the time.
|
||||
--George Orwell--
|
||||
|
||||
It is almost impossible systematically to constitue a natural
|
||||
moral law. Nature has no principles. She furnishes us with
|
||||
no reason to believe that human life is to be respected.
|
||||
Nature, in her indifference, makes no disctinction between
|
||||
good and evil. --Anatole France--
|
||||
|
||||
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of
|
||||
a good example. --Mark Twain--
|
||||
|
||||
A government is the only know vessel that leaks from the top.
|
||||
--James Reston--
|
||||
|
||||
Every government is run by liars and nothing they say
|
||||
should be believed. --I. F. Stone--
|
||||
|
||||
In general, the art of government consists in taking
|
||||
as much money as possible from one class of the
|
||||
citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire--
|
||||
Also a good definition of the Democratic Party.
|
||||
|
||||
Government is an association of men who do violence
|
||||
to the rest of us. --Leo Tolstoy--
|
||||
|
||||
Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors.
|
||||
--Anonymous--
|
||||
|
||||
History is a set of lies agreed upon.
|
||||
--Napoleon Bonaparte--
|
||||
|
||||
History repeats itself; that's one of the things that's
|
||||
wrong with history. --Clarence Darrow--
|
||||
|
||||
We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
|
||||
--G. F. Wilhelm Hegel--
|
||||
|
||||
On the whole history tends to be rather poor fiction --
|
||||
except at its best. --Gore Vidal--
|
||||
|
||||
An historian is nothing more than an unsuccessful novelist.
|
||||
--H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
History would be a wonderful thing -- if only it were true.
|
||||
--H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
Holidays are an expensive trial of strength. The only
|
||||
satisfaction comes from survival. --Jonathan Miller--
|
||||
|
||||
The Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an
|
||||
Empire. --Voltaire--
|
||||
|
||||
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils, because it
|
||||
prolongs the torments of man. --Nietzsche--
|
||||
|
||||
There are times when you hav to choose between being human
|
||||
and having good taste. --Bertoldt Brecht--
|
||||
|
||||
It is easier to denature plutonium than to denature the
|
||||
evil spirit of man. --Albert Einstein--
|
||||
|
||||
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds
|
||||
that it was human nature. --A. A. Milne--
|
||||
|
||||
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign
|
||||
from the human race. --Fred Allen--
|
||||
|
||||
The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race
|
||||
is the human race. --Don Marquis--
|
||||
|
||||
Humility is no substitue for a good personality.
|
||||
--Fran Lebowitz--
|
||||
|
||||
When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport;
|
||||
when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity.
|
||||
--George Bernard Shaw--
|
||||
|
||||
A sportsman is a man who, every now and then, simply
|
||||
has to go out and kill something. --Stephen Leacock--
|
||||
|
||||
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost
|
||||
wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end
|
||||
of the gun. --P. G. Wodehouse--
|
||||
|
||||
A husband is wha't left of the lover once the nerve
|
||||
has been extracted. --Helen Rowland--
|
||||
|
||||
An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
|
||||
--Michael Korda--
|
||||
|
||||
Impiety....Your irreverence toward my deity.
|
||||
--Ambrose Bierce--
|
||||
|
||||
Insanity.....A perfectly rational adjustment to the
|
||||
insane world. --R. D. Laing--
|
||||
|
||||
Ireland has the honor of being the only country which never
|
||||
persecuted the Jews -- because whe never let any in.
|
||||
--James Joyce--
|
||||
|
||||
I showed my appreciation of my native land in the usual Irish
|
||||
way by getting out of it as soon as I possibly could.
|
||||
--George Bernard Shaw--
|
||||
|
||||
The Irish are a fair people -- they never speak well of
|
||||
one another. --Samual Johnson--
|
||||
|
||||
The Jews are a frightened people. Twenty centuries of
|
||||
Christian love have broken down their nerves.
|
||||
--Israel Zangwill--
|
||||
|
||||
There is much to be said in favor of modern journalism. By
|
||||
giving us the opinions of the uneducated, it keeps us in
|
||||
touch with the ignorance of the community.
|
||||
--Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
Justice.....A commodity which in a more or less adulterated
|
||||
condition the State sells to the citizen as a
|
||||
reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal
|
||||
service. --Ambrose Bierce--
|
||||
|
||||
Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you
|
||||
are a conqueror. Kill everyone and you are a God.
|
||||
--Jean Rostand-
|
||||
|
||||
Every law is and infraction of liberty.
|
||||
--Jeremy Bentham--
|
||||
|
||||
Lawyer.....One skilled in the circumvention of the law.
|
||||
--Ambrose Bierce--
|
||||
|
||||
Lawyer.....One who protects us against robbery by taking
|
||||
away the temptation. --H. L Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
Layers are the only person in whom ignorance of the law
|
||||
is not punished. --Jeremy Bentham--
|
||||
|
||||
If law school is so hard to get through....how come there
|
||||
are so many lawyers? --Calvin Trillin--
|
||||
|
||||
Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.
|
||||
--Charles Lamb--
|
||||
|
||||
Lawyers are ... operators of the toll bridge which anyone
|
||||
in search of justice must cross.
|
||||
--Jane Bryant Quinn--
|
||||
|
||||
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting
|
||||
before you get tired. --Jules Renard--
|
||||
|
||||
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless
|
||||
of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
|
||||
--Jerome K. Jerome--
|
||||
|
||||
The liberals can understand everything but people who
|
||||
don't understand them. --Lenny Bruce--
|
||||
|
||||
Liberal......A power worshipper without power.
|
||||
--George Orwell--
|
||||
|
||||
A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake
|
||||
at the moment. --Willis Player--
|
||||
|
||||
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own
|
||||
side in a quarrel. --Robert Frost--
|
||||
|
||||
Liberty means responsibility; that is why most men
|
||||
dread it. --George Bernard Shaw--
|
||||
|
||||
Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does
|
||||
in speeches. --Will Rogers--
|
||||
|
||||
Life does not cease to be funny when people die and more than it
|
||||
ceases to be serious when people laugh. --George Bernard Shaw--
|
||||
|
||||
Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luch, a good physique and
|
||||
not too much imagination. --Christopher Isherwood--
|
||||
|
||||
Love is the most subtle form of self-interest.
|
||||
--Holbrook Jackson--
|
||||
|
||||
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying
|
||||
the whole girl. --Stephen Leacock--
|
||||
|
||||
It's possible to love a human being if you don't know them
|
||||
too well. --Charles Bukowski--
|
||||
|
||||
What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that
|
||||
requires an accomplice. --Charles Baudelaire--
|
||||
|
||||
When two people are under the influence of the most
|
||||
violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient
|
||||
of passions, they are required to swear that they will
|
||||
remain in htat excited, abnormal and exhausting condition
|
||||
until death do them part. --George Bernard Shaw--
|
||||
|
||||
Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become
|
||||
famous without ability. --George Bernard Shaw--
|
||||
|
||||
Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love!
|
||||
--Woody Allen--
|
||||
|
||||
When it is a question of money, everybody is of
|
||||
the same religion. --Voltaire--
|
||||
|
||||
Virtue has Never been as respectable as money.
|
||||
--Mark Twain--
|
||||
|
||||
Go into the street and give one man a lecture on morality and
|
||||
another a dollar, and see which will respect you most.
|
||||
--Samuel Johnson--
|
||||
|
||||
If you must choose between living with your mother-in-law
|
||||
and blowing your brains out, don't hesitate -- blow out hers!
|
||||
--Victorien Sardou--
|
||||
|
||||
Obscenity is what happens to shock some elderly and
|
||||
ignorant magistrate. --Bertrand Russell--
|
||||
|
||||
Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection.
|
||||
--Anonymous--
|
||||
|
||||
The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible
|
||||
worlds, and the pessimist knows it.
|
||||
--J. Robert Oppenheimer--
|
||||
|
||||
A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
|
||||
--William Burroughs--
|
||||
|
||||
The only people who seem to have nothing to do with the
|
||||
education of the children are the parent.
|
||||
--G. K. Chesterton--
|
||||
|
||||
Patience........A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
|
||||
--Ambrose Bierce--
|
||||
|
||||
Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for
|
||||
trivial reasons. --Bertrand Russell--
|
||||
|
||||
When you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it
|
||||
is a sign he expects to get paid for it. --H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. --Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
When there are two conflicting versions of the story,
|
||||
the wise course is to believe the one in which people
|
||||
appear at their worst. --H. Allen Smith--
|
||||
|
||||
Pessimist....One who, when he has the choice of two evils,
|
||||
chooses both. --Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
A pessimist thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and
|
||||
hates them for it. --George Bernard Shaw--
|
||||
|
||||
Philosophy teaches us to bear with equanimity the misfortunes
|
||||
of others. --Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
The photographer is like the cod, which produces a million
|
||||
eggs in order that one may reach maturity.
|
||||
--George Bernard Shaw--
|
||||
|
||||
Politeness.........The most acceptable hypocrisy.
|
||||
--Ambrose Bierce--
|
||||
|
||||
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
|
||||
--H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
One has to be a lowbrow, a bit of a murderer, to be a
|
||||
politician, ready and willing to see people sacrificed,
|
||||
slaughtered, for the sake of an idea, whether a good one
|
||||
or a bad one. --Henry Miller--
|
||||
|
||||
Take our politicians: they're a bunch of yo-yos. The
|
||||
Presidency is now a cross between a popularity contest
|
||||
and a high school debate, with an encyclopedia of cliches
|
||||
the first prize. --Saul Bellow--
|
||||
|
||||
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two
|
||||
years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted
|
||||
with the office. --David Broder--
|
||||
|
||||
Politics....Strife of interests masquerading as a contest
|
||||
of principles. --Ambrose Bierce--
|
||||
|
||||
The standard of intellect in politics is lo low, men of
|
||||
moderate mental capacity have to stoop to reach it.
|
||||
--Hillaire Belloc--
|
||||
|
||||
All politics are based on the indifference of the majority.
|
||||
--James Reston--
|
||||
|
||||
Pray......To ask the laws of the universe be annulled on
|
||||
behalf of a single petitioner who confesses his
|
||||
unworthiness. --Ambrose Bierce--
|
||||
|
||||
I don't like principles. I prefer prejudices. They are more
|
||||
honest. --Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
|
||||
rearranging their prejudices. --William James--
|
||||
|
||||
Psychoanalysis makes quite simple people feel they're complex.
|
||||
--S. N. Behrman--
|
||||
|
||||
Freud is the father of psychoanalysis. It has no mother.
|
||||
--Germaine Greer--
|
||||
|
||||
One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to
|
||||
avoid starvation and keep out of prison, but anything that
|
||||
goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecesssary
|
||||
tyranny. --Bertrand Russell--
|
||||
|
||||
Ther is only one honest impulse at the bottom of Puritanical
|
||||
religion, and that is the impulse to punish the man with a
|
||||
superior capacity for happiness.
|
||||
--H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're
|
||||
still a rat. --Lily Tomlin--
|
||||
|
||||
Ronald Reagan.....A Triumph of the embalmer's art.
|
||||
--Gore Vidal--
|
||||
|
||||
All reformers, however strict their social conscience, live in
|
||||
houses just as big as they can pay for.
|
||||
--Logan Pearsall Smith--
|
||||
|
||||
Relations are simply a tedious pack of people who haven't got
|
||||
the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct
|
||||
about when to die. --Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
All religions are founded on the fear of the many
|
||||
and the the cleverness of the few. --Stendahl--
|
||||
|
||||
Most religions do not make men better, only warier.
|
||||
--Elias Canetti--
|
||||
|
||||
The idea of a good society is something you do not need a
|
||||
religion and eternal puhishment to buttress; you need a
|
||||
religion if you are terrified of death. --Gore Vidal--
|
||||
|
||||
Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain
|
||||
randomness. --Fran Lebowitz--
|
||||
|
||||
Religion is the fashinonable substitue for belief.
|
||||
--Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in hte
|
||||
sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his
|
||||
wife is beautiful and his children smart. --H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training, for
|
||||
it trains people as to how they shall think.
|
||||
--Arthur Schopenhauer--
|
||||
|
||||
Truth, in matters of religion, is simply the opinion that
|
||||
that survived. --Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough
|
||||
to make us love one another. --Jonathan Swift--
|
||||
|
||||
Ther was no respect for youth when I was young, and now that I
|
||||
am old, there is not respect for age. I missed it coming and
|
||||
going. --J. B. Priestley--
|
||||
|
||||
The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is.
|
||||
--George Bernard Shaw--
|
||||
|
||||
Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the
|
||||
slime of a new bureaucracy. --Franz Kafka--
|
||||
|
||||
Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful
|
||||
Know he is. --Jean Anouilh--
|
||||
|
||||
Any preoccupation with ideas of what is right and wrong in
|
||||
conduct shows and arrested intellectual development.
|
||||
--Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
If Geraldo Rivera is the first journalist in space, NASA can
|
||||
test the effect of weightlessness on weightlessness.
|
||||
--Anonymous but I wish I said it--
|
||||
|
||||
Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing
|
||||
people who can't talk for people who can't read.
|
||||
--Frank Zappa--
|
||||
|
||||
Romance, like the rabbit at the dog track, is the elusive, fake,
|
||||
and never attained reward which, for the benefit and amusement of
|
||||
our masters, keeps us running and thinking in safe circles.
|
||||
--Beverly Jones--
|
||||
|
||||
The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a
|
||||
market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a
|
||||
warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.
|
||||
--John Kenneth Galbraith--
|
||||
|
||||
School days, I believe, are the unhappiest in the whole span of
|
||||
human existence. They are full of dull, unintelligible tasks, new
|
||||
and unpleasant ordinances, with brutal violations of common sense
|
||||
and common decency. --H. L. Mencken--
|
||||
|
||||
Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without
|
||||
blushing. --George Bernard Shaw--
|
||||
|
||||
Sex.......The Pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and
|
||||
expense damnable. --Lord Chesterfield--
|
||||
|
||||
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. --Woody Allen--
|
||||
|
||||
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
|
||||
--Wilson Mizner--
|
||||
|
||||
Smoking is, as far as I am concerned, the entire point of being an
|
||||
adult. Many people find smoking objectionable. I myself find many
|
||||
--even more-- things objectionable. I do not like aftershave
|
||||
lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or
|
||||
nayone who is unduly tan. I do not, however, go around enacting
|
||||
legislation and putting up signs. --Fran Lebowitz--
|
||||
|
||||
Stupidity is an elemental force for which no earthquake is a match.
|
||||
--Karl Kraus--
|
||||
|
||||
If you attack stupidity you attack an entrenched interest with
|
||||
friends in government and every walk of public life, and you will
|
||||
make small progress against it. --Samual Marchbanks--
|
||||
|
||||
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
|
||||
--Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
|
||||
--Gore Vidal--
|
||||
|
||||
A Sunday School is a prison in which children so penance for
|
||||
the evil conscience of their parents. -- H. L. Mencken --
|
||||
|
||||
Like its politicians and its war, society has the teenagers it
|
||||
deserves. --J. B. Priestley--
|
||||
|
||||
I have only a small flickering light to guide me in the darkness of
|
||||
a thick forest. Up comes a theologian and blows it out.
|
||||
--Dennis Diderot--
|
||||
|
||||
Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an
|
||||
international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a
|
||||
week. --George Bernard Shaw--
|
||||
|
||||
People who have given us their complete confidence believe that they
|
||||
have a right to ours. The inference is false; a gift confers no
|
||||
rights. --Nietzsche--
|
||||
|
||||
As long as war is looked upon as wicked, it will always have its
|
||||
fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
|
||||
popular. --Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
Human war has been the most successful of our cultural traditions.
|
||||
--Robert Ardrey--
|
||||
|
||||
As far as unwed mothers on welfare are concerned, it seems to me
|
||||
they must be capable of some other form of labor. --Al Capp--
|
||||
|
||||
I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes
|
||||
rest. --Alexandre Dumas--
|
||||
|
||||
Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the
|
||||
curious attractiveness of others. --Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
Women are like elephants to me -- I like to look at 'em, but I
|
||||
would'nt want to own one. --W. C. Fields--
|
||||
|
||||
The history of woman is the history of the worst form of tyranny the
|
||||
world has every known; the tyranny of the weak over the strong. It
|
||||
is the only tyranny that lasts. --Oscar Wilde--
|
||||
|
||||
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
|
||||
--Frank Zappa--
|
||||
|
||||
If the world were a logical place, Men would ride side-saddle.
|
||||
--Rita Mae Brown--
|
||||
|
||||
The young always have the same problem -- how to rebel and conform
|
||||
at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their
|
||||
parents and copying one another. --Quentin Crisp--
|
||||
|
||||
What is youth except a man or a woman before it is ready or fit to
|
||||
be seen? --Evelyn Waugh--
|
||||
|
||||
Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out any
|
||||
quicker than the Christmas spirit. --Kin Hubbard--
|
||||
|
||||
102
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/misc_pro.quo
Normal file
102
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/misc_pro.quo
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,102 @@
|
||||
From: mathnews@watmath.waterloo.edu (Math society newsletter)
|
||||
Subject: A collection of humourous quotes from professors at UW
|
||||
|
||||
The math department here at UW has a student run news/humour magazine called,
|
||||
appropriately enough, mathNEWS. One of the best columns in there is the
|
||||
prof quotes. This is what keeps us awake in Friday morning classes:
|
||||
|
||||
"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
|
||||
"Yes, I don't have one."
|
||||
"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
|
||||
- E. D'Azevedo Computer Science 372
|
||||
|
||||
"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
|
||||
- C. Durance Computer Science 234
|
||||
|
||||
"Let's make ethanol green this afternoon."
|
||||
- R. Friesen Chemistry 124
|
||||
|
||||
"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."
|
||||
- Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454
|
||||
|
||||
"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
|
||||
- R. Willard Pure Math 430a
|
||||
|
||||
"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug someone
|
||||
with it?"
|
||||
- M. Devine Computer Science 340
|
||||
|
||||
"Is it a really good acid, or just a half-acid?"
|
||||
- R. Friesen Chemistry 124
|
||||
|
||||
"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you
|
||||
find that funny?"
|
||||
- D. Taylor Computer Science 350
|
||||
|
||||
"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
|
||||
something child-like."
|
||||
- Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454
|
||||
|
||||
"I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because
|
||||
I couldn't remember the proof."
|
||||
- Baker Pure Math 351a
|
||||
|
||||
"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette."
|
||||
- P. Buhr Computer Science 354
|
||||
|
||||
"Every prof blows this. We're all going to get AIDS or something."
|
||||
- J. Vanderkooy Physics 122
|
||||
|
||||
"How do you find an isomorphism? You just f it. See? Graph theory is
|
||||
a lot of fun."
|
||||
- I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230
|
||||
|
||||
"You can't drink negative beer. Well, I guess you could throw up."
|
||||
- Forbes Math Elective 102
|
||||
|
||||
"Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week from today.
|
||||
I do not give out extensions without good reason."
|
||||
- Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454
|
||||
|
||||
"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
|
||||
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
|
||||
- Hepler Systems Design 182
|
||||
|
||||
"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion - I may be trying to
|
||||
bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertantly."
|
||||
- J. Wainwright Mathematics 140b
|
||||
|
||||
"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
|
||||
- M. Devine and P. Larson Computer Science 340
|
||||
|
||||
"We'll call it S for cyclic."
|
||||
- Gord Sinnamon Mathematics 234b
|
||||
|
||||
"Karen has her own i, and she is not going to let Frank put his
|
||||
data into it."
|
||||
- F. D. Boswell Computer Science 240
|
||||
|
||||
"All that was meant to bore you shitless."
|
||||
- I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230
|
||||
|
||||
"The subspace W inherits the other 8 properties of V. And there
|
||||
aren't even any property taxes."
|
||||
- J. MacKay Mathematics 134b
|
||||
|
||||
"So you have this mapping P(v). So what does it mean? It means you
|
||||
take v and 'P' on it, right?"
|
||||
- J. Baker Mathematics 234b
|
||||
|
||||
"That's an engineer on his work term. He's sawing pipes, then soldering
|
||||
them back together again...He'll do that 10 times to make the pipe
|
||||
shorter."
|
||||
- J. MacKay Statistics 332
|
||||
|
||||
"What do I do if I am running low on my [computer] account?"
|
||||
"Take out a loan."
|
||||
- C. Durance Computer Science 234
|
||||
|
||||
And one last student quote to top it off:
|
||||
prof: "...so the American gouvernment went to IBM to come up with a
|
||||
data encryption standard and they came up with..."
|
||||
student: "EBCDIC!"
|
||||
35
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/morequot.jok
Normal file
35
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/morequot.jok
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,35 @@
|
||||
Subject: Quotes from lecturers at Cambridge University, England
|
||||
|
||||
[original author unknown]
|
||||
|
||||
*******************************************************************************
|
||||
This file contains a list of quotes from people in mathematical or scientific
|
||||
circles at Cambridge University, England (hehehe, never miss a chance to
|
||||
put the Cambridge people down, especially if you study at Oxford).
|
||||
********************************************************************************
|
||||
1985:
|
||||
|
||||
Overheard at a supervision :
|
||||
Supervisor : Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum
|
||||
Mechanics ?
|
||||
Supervisee : Ah! Well,what do we mean by "to understand" in the context
|
||||
of Quantum Mechanics?
|
||||
Supervisor : You mean"No",don't you?
|
||||
Supervisee : Yes.
|
||||
|
||||
The Tautology prize goes to the lecturer who uttered the gem:
|
||||
" If we complicate things they get less simple."
|
||||
|
||||
This year's modesty award is given for a phrase spoken by a lecturer after
|
||||
a rather difficult concept had just been introduced.
|
||||
" You may feel that this is a little unclear but in fact I am lecturing it
|
||||
extremely well."
|
||||
|
||||
Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party :
|
||||
" Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces !"
|
||||
|
||||
A Senior mathematician was asked which language he used for some of his
|
||||
computing. He replied that he used a very high level language:
|
||||
RESEARCH STUDENT
|
||||
|
||||
******************************************************************************
|
||||
31
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/oscar.wil
Normal file
31
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/oscar.wil
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,31 @@
|
||||
A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
|
||||
comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
|
||||
|
||||
Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
|
||||
(sipping champagne on his deathbed)
|
||||
|
||||
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
|
||||
fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease
|
||||
to be popular.
|
||||
|
||||
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of
|
||||
the people by the people for the people.
|
||||
|
||||
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable
|
||||
that we have to alter it every six months.
|
||||
|
||||
The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to
|
||||
her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
|
||||
|
||||
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
|
||||
|
||||
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about,
|
||||
and that is not being talked about.
|
||||
|
||||
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
|
||||
|
||||
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
|
||||
|
||||
Young men want to be faithful and are not;
|
||||
old men want to be faithless and cannot.
|
||||
|
||||
1259
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quoterwz.txt
Normal file
1259
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quoterwz.txt
Normal file
File diff suppressed because it is too large
Load Diff
1503
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes-1.txt
Normal file
1503
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes-1.txt
Normal file
File diff suppressed because it is too large
Load Diff
1733
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes-2.txt
Normal file
1733
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes-2.txt
Normal file
File diff suppressed because it is too large
Load Diff
93
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes.bug
Normal file
93
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes.bug
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,93 @@
|
||||
Article 828 of rec.humor.funny:
|
||||
From: brett@hpsrbkc.hp.com (Brett K. Carver)
|
||||
Subject: Bug out
|
||||
Date: 7 Oct 90 23:30:07 GMT
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Here's a list of famous quotes and words of wisdom developed by the engineers
|
||||
from the now defunct Salt Lake City Operation of Hewlett-Packard. Over a
|
||||
period of several days they slowly appeared on a centrally located white-board.
|
||||
One day I copied them down to save for posterity.
|
||||
|
||||
Brett Carver
|
||||
brett@hpnmd.hp.com
|
||||
|
||||
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
A Few Lesser Known Famous Quotes:
|
||||
|
||||
"Code so clean...you can eat off it."
|
||||
|
||||
"Learned more from a three minute bug fix than we ever did in school."
|
||||
Bruce Sprinsteen
|
||||
|
||||
"Four score and seven (hundred) bugs ago, our fore-fathers brought forth
|
||||
a new application."
|
||||
from The Gettysbug Address
|
||||
|
||||
"If we can't fix it, it isn't broken."
|
||||
Lab manager
|
||||
|
||||
"Never test for a bug you don't know how to fix."
|
||||
QA manager
|
||||
|
||||
"Don't break it if you can't fix it."
|
||||
Marketing manager
|
||||
|
||||
I think therefore I create bugs."
|
||||
Descartes
|
||||
|
||||
"Debug is human, de-fix divine."
|
||||
|
||||
"There's a bug born every minute, and two to replace him."
|
||||
P. T. Bugem
|
||||
|
||||
The Bugs Of Wrath
|
||||
John Steinbug
|
||||
|
||||
"There are two ways to write bug-free code; only the third way works."
|
||||
unknown consultant
|
||||
|
||||
Final message received from the Titanic: "Fatal crash due to icebug."
|
||||
|
||||
"Bugs Bunny was an optimist."
|
||||
|
||||
"One small bug for man, one great program for mankind."
|
||||
N. Armstrong
|
||||
|
||||
"The bug is mightier than the fix."
|
||||
Cyrano deBuggerac
|
||||
|
||||
"Man does not live by bug fixes alone."
|
||||
The Super-User
|
||||
|
||||
"For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered."
|
||||
|
||||
"The bug stops here."
|
||||
H. Trubug
|
||||
|
||||
"Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix."
|
||||
Rhett Buggler
|
||||
|
||||
"I regret that I have but one fix to give for my country."
|
||||
Nathan Hale
|
||||
|
||||
"I have just begun to debug."
|
||||
|
||||
"...Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been found
|
||||
and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth..."
|
||||
John 11:43-44
|
||||
|
||||
"Bugs bugs everywhere, and not a fix in sight."
|
||||
|
||||
"I never met a bug I didn't like."
|
||||
Will Rogers
|
||||
|
||||
"A feature is a bug with seniority."
|
||||
|
||||
"This time I'm going to get that cwwwwazzy ewwwor."
|
||||
Elmer Fud
|
||||
--
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
3099
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes.frt
Normal file
3099
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes.frt
Normal file
File diff suppressed because it is too large
Load Diff
793
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes.hum
Normal file
793
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes.hum
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,793 @@
|
||||
Spring is that busy period when highway crews rush out to get the main
|
||||
routes torn up in time for summer traffic.
|
||||
DOUG LARSON
|
||||
|
||||
I think people should go into public office for a term or two, and then
|
||||
get back into their businesses and live under the laws that they passed.
|
||||
MIKE CURB
|
||||
|
||||
RUMBA is a dance where the front of you goes along nice and smooth like a
|
||||
Cadillac and the back of you makes like a Jeep.
|
||||
BOB HOPE
|
||||
|
||||
When something defies description--let it.
|
||||
ARNOLD H. GLASOW
|
||||
|
||||
A suggestion for unsuccessful dieters: don't think of it as fat; think of
|
||||
it as insulation.
|
||||
JAMES HOLT MCGAVRAN
|
||||
|
||||
ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM: opposition to the withdrawel of federal
|
||||
funds used to support an organized church, i.e. the Catholic Church in
|
||||
England.
|
||||
WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY
|
||||
|
||||
Two martians landed on a corner right in front of a traffic light. "I saw
|
||||
her first," one said. "So what?" replied the other, "I'm the one she
|
||||
winked at."
|
||||
SANDY HARTMAN
|
||||
|
||||
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
|
||||
BITS AND PIECES
|
||||
|
||||
Genius is born, not paid.
|
||||
OSCAR WILDE
|
||||
|
||||
Headline deserving a Pullet Surprise:
|
||||
"20 YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTER"
|
||||
MORE JOY OF LEX
|
||||
|
||||
Headline deserving a Pullet Surprise:
|
||||
"PRISONERS ESCAPE AFTER EXECUTION"
|
||||
MORE JOY OF LEX
|
||||
|
||||
Headline deserving a Pullet Surprise:
|
||||
"SISTERS WED BROTHERS HAVE BABIES SAME DAY"
|
||||
MORE JOY OF LEX
|
||||
|
||||
Headline deserving a Pullet Surprise:
|
||||
"`FIDELIO' ONLY OPERA BEETHOVEN WROTE ON MONDAY EVENING"
|
||||
MORE JOY OF LEX
|
||||
|
||||
Headline deserving a Pullet Surprise:
|
||||
"PASSENGERS HIT BY CANCELLED TRAINS"
|
||||
MORE JOY OF LEX
|
||||
|
||||
Headline deserving a Pullet Surprise:
|
||||
"BUFFALO SWEPT OFF FEET BY MENDELSSOHN CHOIR"
|
||||
MORE JOY OF LEX
|
||||
|
||||
Headline deserving a Pullet Surprise:
|
||||
"PROTESTOR TRIED TO SPOIL PLAY BUT ACTORS SUCCEEDED"
|
||||
MORE JOY OF LEX
|
||||
|
||||
The human body has several hundred muscles, mostly to tell us we
|
||||
shouldn't have jogged so far.
|
||||
THE IDEN TREASURY
|
||||
|
||||
The poet can reach where the sun cannot.
|
||||
HINDU PROVERB
|
||||
|
||||
From an and for flatware: "A Real Stainless Steal."
|
||||
UNKNOWN
|
||||
|
||||
Sticks Float. They wood!
|
||||
SHIRLEY WHITTINGTON
|
||||
|
||||
What kind of baker kneads puns?
|
||||
SHIRLEY WHITTINGTON
|
||||
|
||||
A rich man once asked a friend, "Why am I criticized fpr being miserly?
|
||||
Everone knows I will leave everything to charity when I die." "Well," said
|
||||
the friend, "let me tell you about the pig and the cow. The pig was
|
||||
lamenting to the cow one day about how unpopular he was. `People are always
|
||||
talking about your gentleness and your kind eyes,' said the pig. `Sure, you
|
||||
give milk and cream, but I give more. I give bacon, ham, bristles. They even
|
||||
pickle my feet! Still, nobody likes me. Why is this?' The cow thought a
|
||||
minute then replied "Well, maybe it's because I give while I'm still living.'"
|
||||
SUNSHINE MAGAZINE
|
||||
|
||||
The trouble with good ideas is that they quickly degenerate into hard work.
|
||||
PETER DRUCKER
|
||||
|
||||
The trouble with bucket seats is that everyone doesn't have the same size
|
||||
bucket.
|
||||
OPAL SMITH
|
||||
|
||||
THE excuse: I would if I could but I can't so I won't.
|
||||
UNKNOWN
|
||||
|
||||
Soon all the world's greatest wisdom will be expressed in cliches.
|
||||
DAVID GERROLD
|
||||
|
||||
Ill play with it first and tell you what it is later.
|
||||
MILES DAVIS
|
||||
|
||||
Im hungry! Im hungry!
|
||||
for good things to eat
|
||||
for Sugar Jets, Sugar Jets
|
||||
(whole toasted wheat)
|
||||
ADVERTISEMENT
|
||||
|
||||
I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
|
||||
these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
|
||||
kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
|
||||
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
|
||||
avoiding the beach.
|
||||
LUCINDA CHILDS (PHILIP GLASS: EINSTEIN ON THE BEACH)
|
||||
|
||||
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
|
||||
HASSAN I SABBAH
|
||||
|
||||
Dont let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
|
||||
BO DIDDLEY
|
||||
|
||||
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the
|
||||
opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
|
||||
NIELS BOHR
|
||||
|
||||
Just because everything is different doesnt mean anything has changed.
|
||||
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE
|
||||
|
||||
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human
|
||||
mind to correlate all its contents.
|
||||
H P LOVECRAFT
|
||||
|
||||
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
|
||||
KEN KESEY
|
||||
|
||||
Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves.
|
||||
LITTLE RICHARD
|
||||
|
||||
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
|
||||
MAE WEST
|
||||
|
||||
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
|
||||
SIGMUND FREUD
|
||||
|
||||
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one
|
||||
Ive never tried before.
|
||||
MAE WEST
|
||||
|
||||
Her life was saved by rock and roll.
|
||||
LOU REED
|
||||
|
||||
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
|
||||
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
|
||||
commerce.
|
||||
J EDGAR HOOVER
|
||||
|
||||
Honest Officer, had I known my health stood in jeprody I would never
|
||||
had lit one.
|
||||
MAXIM OF THE HELLS ANGELS
|
||||
|
||||
It is a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night.
|
||||
WILLIE SUTTON
|
||||
|
||||
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
|
||||
BILLY ROSE
|
||||
|
||||
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
|
||||
KARL MARX
|
||||
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of
|
||||
it ... it would have been much better.
|
||||
KARL MARX'S MOTHER
|
||||
|
||||
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the
|
||||
largest shopping center in the world?
|
||||
RICHARD M NIXON
|
||||
|
||||
When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
|
||||
it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality.
|
||||
AL CAPONE
|
||||
|
||||
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
|
||||
EMMETT GROGAN
|
||||
|
||||
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land
|
||||
in Los Angeles.
|
||||
FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT
|
||||
|
||||
If youve seen one city slum, youve seen them all.
|
||||
SPIRO AGNEW
|
||||
|
||||
If youve seen one redwood, youve seen them all.
|
||||
RONALD REAGAN
|
||||
|
||||
He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return.
|
||||
SOUTH AFRICAN SAYING
|
||||
|
||||
Use it up ... Wear it out.
|
||||
Make it do ... Or do without.
|
||||
US WORLD WAR II MESSAGE
|
||||
|
||||
You cant underestimate the power of fear.
|
||||
TRICIA NIXON
|
||||
|
||||
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this
|
||||
incredible jailbreak.
|
||||
WAVY GRAVY
|
||||
|
||||
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
|
||||
BUCKMINSTER FULLER
|
||||
|
||||
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
|
||||
DWIGHT D EISENHOWER
|
||||
|
||||
You smash it - and Ill build around it.
|
||||
JOHN LENNON
|
||||
|
||||
College isn't the place to go for ideas.
|
||||
HELLEN KELLER
|
||||
|
||||
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns
|
||||
and detective stories.
|
||||
ARTHUR C CLARKE
|
||||
|
||||
America, how can a write a holy litany in your silly mood?
|
||||
ALLEN GINSBERG
|
||||
|
||||
It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore,
|
||||
I have to beat somebody.
|
||||
RICHARD M NIXON
|
||||
|
||||
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.
|
||||
ARTHUR C CLARKE
|
||||
|
||||
Justice is incedental to law and order.
|
||||
J EDGAR HOOVER
|
||||
|
||||
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
|
||||
GROUCHO MARX
|
||||
|
||||
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
|
||||
ABBIE HOFFMAN
|
||||
|
||||
Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old.
|
||||
PINK FLOYD
|
||||
|
||||
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still dont know what I want to be
|
||||
when I grow up.
|
||||
PETER DRUCKER
|
||||
|
||||
How can you be two places at once when youre not anywhere at all?
|
||||
FIRESIGN THEATER
|
||||
|
||||
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
|
||||
OSCAR WILDE
|
||||
|
||||
We are what we pretend to be.
|
||||
KURT VONNEGUT, JR
|
||||
|
||||
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
|
||||
OSCAR WILDE
|
||||
|
||||
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -
|
||||
but thats the way to bet.
|
||||
DAMON RUNYON
|
||||
|
||||
I could prove God statistically.
|
||||
GEORGE GALLUP
|
||||
|
||||
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
|
||||
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
|
||||
with our frail and feeble mind.
|
||||
ALBERT EINSTEIN
|
||||
|
||||
Real wealth can only increase.
|
||||
R BUCKMINSTER FULLER
|
||||
|
||||
Anyone can hate. it costs to love.
|
||||
JOHN WILLIAMSON
|
||||
|
||||
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
|
||||
or becomes true.
|
||||
JOHN LILLY
|
||||
|
||||
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
|
||||
GRAFFITI
|
||||
|
||||
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
|
||||
ALBERT EINSTEIN
|
||||
|
||||
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
|
||||
TALLULAH BANKHEAD
|
||||
|
||||
A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
|
||||
GEORGE WALD
|
||||
|
||||
Don't lose
|
||||
Your head
|
||||
To gain a minute
|
||||
You need your head
|
||||
Your brains are in it.
|
||||
BURMA SHAVE
|
||||
|
||||
It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been
|
||||
always thus.
|
||||
DEAN LATTIMER
|
||||
|
||||
Burnt Sienna. Thats the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
|
||||
KEN WEAVER
|
||||
|
||||
We dont know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasnt a fish.
|
||||
JOHN CULKIN
|
||||
|
||||
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have
|
||||
been from you.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
Please dont lie to me, unless youre absolutely sure Ill never find
|
||||
out the truth.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
Please dont ask me what the score is, Im not even sure what the game is.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
If you cant learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
I dont have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
Maybe Im lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the
|
||||
wrong direction.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task
|
||||
completely overwhelm me.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you
|
||||
hit the target.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence
|
||||
without civilization in between.
|
||||
OSCAR WILDE
|
||||
|
||||
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
|
||||
ALAN COULT
|
||||
|
||||
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
|
||||
presumably flunk it.
|
||||
STANLEY GARN
|
||||
|
||||
The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.
|
||||
FATHER ROBERT F CAPON
|
||||
|
||||
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
|
||||
men in national government too.
|
||||
RICHARD M NIXON
|
||||
|
||||
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
|
||||
DWIGHT D EISENHOWER
|
||||
|
||||
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
|
||||
inevitiable.
|
||||
JOHN F KENNEDY
|
||||
|
||||
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if
|
||||
it were so, it would be; but as it isnt, it aint. Thats logic."
|
||||
LEWIS CARROLL
|
||||
|
||||
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
|
||||
EDWARD DAHLBERG
|
||||
|
||||
To know the world one must construct it.
|
||||
CESARE PAVESE
|
||||
|
||||
Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
|
||||
BULLWINKLE MOOSE
|
||||
|
||||
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
|
||||
TENESSEE WILLIAMS
|
||||
|
||||
An object never serves the same function as its image- or its name.
|
||||
RENE MAGRITTE
|
||||
|
||||
All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
|
||||
ya dont go lookin' for rutabagas.
|
||||
KINGFISH
|
||||
|
||||
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
|
||||
M C ESCHER
|
||||
|
||||
Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences:
|
||||
If at first you don't suceed, transform your data set.
|
||||
|
||||
Laws of Computer Programming
|
||||
(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
|
||||
(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
|
||||
(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
|
||||
(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
|
||||
(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
|
||||
(6) The value of a program is porportional to the
|
||||
weight of its output.
|
||||
(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
|
||||
programmer who must maintain it.
|
||||
(8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in
|
||||
English, and you will find that programmers cannot write
|
||||
in English.
|
||||
SIGPLAN Notices, Vol 2 No 2
|
||||
|
||||
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
|
||||
CALVIN COOLIDGE
|
||||
|
||||
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
|
||||
PAUL ERLICH
|
||||
|
||||
If A equals success, then the formula is:
|
||||
A= X + Y + Z
|
||||
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
|
||||
ALBERT EINSTEIN
|
||||
|
||||
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are
|
||||
you wont either.
|
||||
JOSEPH FISCHER
|
||||
|
||||
Fourth Law of Thermodymanics:
|
||||
If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is
|
||||
damn near zero.
|
||||
DAVID ELLIS
|
||||
|
||||
Frouds Law:
|
||||
A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the
|
||||
fuse by blowing first.
|
||||
|
||||
Fullers Law of Cosmic Irreversibility:
|
||||
1 Pot T == 1 Pot P
|
||||
1 Pot P != 1 Pot T
|
||||
R BUCKMINSTER FULLER
|
||||
|
||||
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
|
||||
J PAUL GETTY
|
||||
|
||||
Gilb's Laws of Reliability
|
||||
(1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
|
||||
(3) The only difference between the fool, and the criminal who
|
||||
attacks a systrem is that the fool attacks unpredictably and
|
||||
on a broader front.
|
||||
(5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion
|
||||
to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they
|
||||
are used.
|
||||
(6) The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system
|
||||
are the key to understanding the type of errors which they
|
||||
cannot handle.
|
||||
(7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
|
||||
detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
|
||||
(8) All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise -
|
||||
which is impossible.
|
||||
(9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
|
||||
probable cost of errors, or somebody insists on getting some
|
||||
useful work done.
|
||||
TOM GILB
|
||||
|
||||
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he
|
||||
encounters needs pounding.
|
||||
ABRAHAM KAPLAN
|
||||
|
||||
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
|
||||
ROGER LEVIAN
|
||||
|
||||
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there
|
||||
is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
|
||||
ROBERT D SPRECHT (RAND CORP)
|
||||
|
||||
Thoreau's Law:
|
||||
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of
|
||||
doing you good, you should run for your life.
|
||||
|
||||
Vique's Law:
|
||||
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
|
||||
|
||||
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
|
||||
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
|
||||
GERALD WEINBERG
|
||||
|
||||
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
|
||||
Nobody notices when things go right.
|
||||
|
||||
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
|
||||
CONFUCIUS
|
||||
|
||||
Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
|
||||
BOOK OF PROVERBS
|
||||
|
||||
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good
|
||||
impromptu speech.
|
||||
MARK TWAIN
|
||||
|
||||
The unnatural, that too is natural.
|
||||
GOETHE
|
||||
|
||||
I used to be indecisive; now Im not sure.
|
||||
GRAFFITI
|
||||
|
||||
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didnt like it.
|
||||
SAMUEL GOLDWYN
|
||||
|
||||
He hasn't one redeeming vice.
|
||||
OSCAR WILDE
|
||||
|
||||
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
|
||||
GRAFFITI
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
(To Walter Cronkite):
|
||||
"Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number
|
||||
of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running
|
||||
up and down a street"
|
||||
- Neil Armstrong -
|
||||
|
||||
"You doubted Me," God tells the Lawgiver [Moses], "But I forgave
|
||||
you that doubt. You doubted your own self and failed to believe
|
||||
in your own powers as a leader, and I forgave you that also. But
|
||||
you lost faith in these people and doubted the divine possibilities
|
||||
of Human Nature. THIS loss of faith makes it impossible for
|
||||
you to enter the Promised Land."
|
||||
- The Midrash -
|
||||
|
||||
" 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability"
|
||||
- George Bernard Shaw -
|
||||
|
||||
"Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty
|
||||
without any proof"
|
||||
Ashley Montague -
|
||||
|
||||
"Birth, Copulation, and Death. That's all the facts when you
|
||||
come to brass tacks"
|
||||
T. S. Elliot -
|
||||
|
||||
"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood."
|
||||
D. B. Hudson -
|
||||
|
||||
"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more '
|
||||
user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take
|
||||
all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover."
|
||||
Bill Gates,Pres.,Microsoft,Inc. -
|
||||
|
||||
Eight Things your computer won't do:
|
||||
1) It won't save you money
|
||||
2) It won't make your organization run right
|
||||
3) It won't solve every problem
|
||||
4) It won't run itself
|
||||
5) It won't always be right
|
||||
6) It won't meet all its own needs
|
||||
7) It won't protect itself
|
||||
8) It won't become obsolete
|
||||
J. Makower -
|
||||
|
||||
Bradley's Bromide:
|
||||
If computers get too powerful,we can organize them into a committee...
|
||||
that will do them in.
|
||||
|
||||
Civilization Law #1:
|
||||
Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations
|
||||
one can do without thinking about them.
|
||||
|
||||
Ketterling's Law:
|
||||
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
|
||||
|
||||
"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards
|
||||
upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel"
|
||||
H. L. Mencken -
|
||||
|
||||
"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded
|
||||
on the Christian Religion"
|
||||
George Washington -
|
||||
|
||||
"In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty."
|
||||
- Thomas Jefferson -
|
||||
|
||||
"During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; in both, superstition, bigotry,
|
||||
- James Madison -
|
||||
|
||||
"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations"
|
||||
- Thomas Jefferson -
|
||||
|
||||
"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately"
|
||||
- Benjamin Franklin -
|
||||
|
||||
"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried"
|
||||
- Thomas Jefferson -
|
||||
|
||||
"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained
|
||||
control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles"
|
||||
- Pat Paulsen -
|
||||
|
||||
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself"
|
||||
- Camus -
|
||||
|
||||
"I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it"
|
||||
- W. C. Fields -
|
||||
|
||||
"Six years for possession of a cigarette?...I got six months
|
||||
for possession of a deadly weapon!"
|
||||
- cartoon by S. Harris -
|
||||
|
||||
The Swartzberg Test:
|
||||
The validity of a science is its ability to predict.
|
||||
|
||||
"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
|
||||
the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
|
||||
civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
|
||||
We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
|
||||
striving of the human race"
|
||||
- Alfred North Whitehead -
|
||||
|
||||
"My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of
|
||||
human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly
|
||||
vulnerable.... We should be reluctant to turn back upon the
|
||||
frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we
|
||||
do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether
|
||||
or not we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to
|
||||
space, because the grand, slow march of intelligence has brought
|
||||
us, in our generation, to a point from which we can explore and
|
||||
understand and utilize it. To turn back now would be to deny
|
||||
our history, our capabilities."
|
||||
- James A. Michener -
|
||||
|
||||
"What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go
|
||||
to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to
|
||||
build railroads across a continent? In independent thought
|
||||
about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it
|
||||
takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view,
|
||||
the simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American
|
||||
life. First, a base of technology must exist from which to do
|
||||
the thing to be done. Second, a period of national uneasiness
|
||||
about America's place in the scheme of human activities must
|
||||
exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
|
||||
the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally,
|
||||
an articulate and wise leader must sense these first three
|
||||
conditions and put forth with words and action the great thing
|
||||
to be accomplished. The motivation of young Americans to do what
|
||||
needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of conditions....
|
||||
The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John Kennedys
|
||||
appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which
|
||||
they, and thier young frontiersmen, will require to lead us
|
||||
onward and upward."
|
||||
- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt,Sen.,New Mexico -
|
||||
|
||||
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!"
|
||||
- Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian -
|
||||
|
||||
"To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but
|
||||
not its programmer"
|
||||
- Morris Kingston -
|
||||
|
||||
"I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but
|
||||
I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head"
|
||||
- George Wallace -
|
||||
|
||||
"You don't have to explain something you never said"
|
||||
- Calvin Coolidge -
|
||||
|
||||
"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry"
|
||||
- Bismarck -
|
||||
|
||||
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money"
|
||||
- Everett Dirksen -
|
||||
|
||||
"The personal computer market is about the same size as the
|
||||
total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the
|
||||
size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total
|
||||
worldwide sales of pantyhose"
|
||||
- James Finke,Pres.,Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982) -
|
||||
|
||||
"I like a man who grins when he fights."
|
||||
- Winston Churchill -
|
||||
|
||||
"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."
|
||||
- Winston Churchill -
|
||||
|
||||
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he
|
||||
will pick himself up and carry on..."
|
||||
- Winston Churchill -
|
||||
|
||||
"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday,
|
||||
and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,
|
||||
Thursday, and Saturday."
|
||||
- William Bragg -
|
||||
|
||||
"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die"
|
||||
- John W. Campbell -
|
||||
|
||||
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest"
|
||||
- Thoreau -
|
||||
|
||||
Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same
|
||||
damn thing over and over!<21>
|
||||
|
||||
The meek will inherit the Earth..... The<68>rest of us will go to the stars.
|
||||
|
||||
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
|
||||
|
||||
Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone.
|
||||
|
||||
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
|
||||
|
||||
Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.
|
||||
|
||||
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe,
|
||||
and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint
|
||||
upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
|
||||
|
||||
Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going
|
||||
to get or how long it will last.
|
||||
|
||||
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
|
||||
|
||||
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics.
|
||||
|
||||
"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and
|
||||
thinking what no one else has thought."
|
||||
- Albert Szent-Gyorgi -
|
||||
|
||||
"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals"
|
||||
- "Oh, Lucky Man" -
|
||||
|
||||
I really hate this damn machine,
|
||||
I wish that they would sell it.
|
||||
It never does just what I want,
|
||||
But only what I tell it.
|
||||
|
||||
"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;
|
||||
united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels"
|
||||
- Goya -
|
||||
|
||||
"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon
|
||||
the wall instead of using it"
|
||||
- Gordon R. Dickson -
|
||||
|
||||
"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor."
|
||||
- Toynbee -
|
||||
|
||||
"We have met the enemy and he is us"
|
||||
- Walt Kelly (in POGO) -
|
||||
|
||||
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed
|
||||
adultery, are now extinct."
|
||||
- M. Somerset Maugham -
|
||||
|
||||
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
|
||||
- Bert Lantz -
|
||||
|
||||
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity."
|
||||
- Oscar Wilde -
|
||||
|
||||
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
|
||||
- Voltaire -
|
||||
|
||||
Ode to Turbulent Flow:
|
||||
Big whirls have little whirls
|
||||
Which feed on their velocity,
|
||||
And little whirls have lesser whirls
|
||||
And so on, to viscosity.
|
||||
|
||||
"IBM uses what I like to call the 'hole-in-the-ground technique'
|
||||
to destroy the competition..... IBM digs a big HOLE in the
|
||||
ground and covers it with leaves. It then puts a big POT
|
||||
OF GOLD nearby. Then it gives the call, 'Hey, look at all
|
||||
this gold, get over here fast.' As soon as the competitor
|
||||
approaches the pot, he falls into the pit"
|
||||
- John C. Dvorak -
|
||||
|
||||
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"
|
||||
- Heisenberg -
|
||||
|
||||
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling
|
||||
to get adapted to my kind of fooling"
|
||||
- R. Frost -
|
||||
|
||||
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"
|
||||
- Ben Jonson -
|
||||
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
512
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes.jok
Normal file
512
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes.jok
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,512 @@
|
||||
Article 1 of rec.arts.movies:
|
||||
Path: santra!tut!draken!kth!enea!mcvax!uunet!seismo!sundc!pitstop!sun!amdcad!ames!fxgrp!grady
|
||||
From: grady@fxgrp (Steven Grady)
|
||||
Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.games.trivia,rec.arts.comics,rec.arts.tv,rec.arts.movies
|
||||
Subject: My quotes file
|
||||
Message-ID: <952@fxgrp.UUCP>
|
||||
Date: 16 Jan 89 23:27:16 GMT
|
||||
Sender: grady@fxgrp.UUCP
|
||||
Reply-To: grady@postgres.berkeley.edu (Steven Grady)
|
||||
Organization: FX Development Group, Inc., Mountain View, CA
|
||||
Lines: 496
|
||||
Xref: santra rec.games.trivia:1062 rec.arts.movies:1
|
||||
|
||||
OK, I guess it's time for me to post my quotes list again. As usual
|
||||
(well, kind of -- I've only posted them once before), I will post them
|
||||
in random order, without attributions, so you can have fun figuring out
|
||||
where they came from. In about a week, I'll post the original file,
|
||||
with the attributes in comments. I'll also post the wimpy program I
|
||||
use that reads my .fortunes file.
|
||||
|
||||
I have two criteria for my quotes: a) it must be public (ie I don't
|
||||
include quotes my friend Joe Shmoe said. People who have tastes very
|
||||
similar to mine conceivably could recognize all of these quotes) and b)
|
||||
it must have made me laugh out loud. This explains why my list is
|
||||
relatively short (currently, there are 159 entries).
|
||||
|
||||
I will happily take corrections to the wording of the quotes, but,
|
||||
please, no suggestions for additional quotes. Somehow, this list is
|
||||
very personal, and if I don't spot the quote myself, I probably won't
|
||||
include it. Oh, plaudits, compliments, and the like are welcome -- in
|
||||
fact they are required.
|
||||
|
||||
Steven
|
||||
...!ucbvax!grady
|
||||
grady@postgres.berkeley.edu
|
||||
|
||||
############################################################
|
||||
"Wheat. So what?"
|
||||
|
||||
"A penny for your thoughts?"
|
||||
"A dollar for your death."
|
||||
|
||||
"Get a life!"
|
||||
|
||||
...And since the stench of death will always attract flies and vermin,
|
||||
the arrival of Geraldo was perhaps inevitable.
|
||||
|
||||
"I'm sorry, but you must have me confused with some OTHER
|
||||
plate-lipped white girl named `Irene'"
|
||||
|
||||
"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
|
||||
..except, y'know, not green...
|
||||
...and without all the patches of fungus."
|
||||
|
||||
Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
|
||||
start closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals
|
||||
and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
|
||||
|
||||
"Oh Mr. Bellpit, your legs are so swollen!"
|
||||
|
||||
"It's Czechoslovakia! It's like going into Wisconsin!"
|
||||
|
||||
The heart, the liver, the spleen, the pancreas. All these miraculous
|
||||
organs work in _total_darkness_!
|
||||
|
||||
"Nice tie... BONEHEAD!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Bicycle Repair Man, how can I ever repair you?"
|
||||
"Well, you don't need to, gov, it's all right.
|
||||
It's all in a day's work for ... Bicycle Repair Man. <Sniff!>"
|
||||
|
||||
"Comedy. Sudden, violent, comedy!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get
|
||||
a good price for them."
|
||||
|
||||
"What do you say we guys go down to the beach and shoot
|
||||
some clams?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Zere were zwei peanuts walking down ze strasse.
|
||||
And one was assaulted.. peanut. Ha ha ha.."
|
||||
|
||||
Ant Boy calmly prepares to execute his new friend ant-style...
|
||||
by PINCHING OFF HIS HEAD!
|
||||
|
||||
You think you got it rough?
|
||||
What about your darling doggy?
|
||||
Ten short years
|
||||
and he's getting old and groggy.
|
||||
|
||||
"I'm not saying we won't get our hair mussed a bit.."
|
||||
|
||||
"Thank God. The police."
|
||||
|
||||
"I don't know what you want here, but I think you should
|
||||
know that I've killed a LOT of old people in my time,
|
||||
and I'm not above doing it again."
|
||||
|
||||
"I told them kids to keep their arms inside the ride.
|
||||
Damnedest thing I ever saw."
|
||||
|
||||
"But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of
|
||||
the _old_ gods! He demands sacrifice!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Cerebus can destroy ANYTHING. Cerebus is the POPE."
|
||||
|
||||
"I'll have you all executed!"
|
||||
"I think not."
|
||||
|
||||
"`Psychophallystisis.'"
|
||||
"Eat hot death, Steve."
|
||||
|
||||
"I'm a LAGOMORPH, Sam! Look it up!"
|
||||
|
||||
"I've heard about these cult jamborees. It's an international
|
||||
goon gathering. Lots of howling and drinking... Orgiastic
|
||||
worship of heathen idols... Great looking chicks in diaphanous robes..."
|
||||
|
||||
"Do you think there's a God?"
|
||||
"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
|
||||
|
||||
"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid."
|
||||
|
||||
"Flint Paper is insane. I really respect that."
|
||||
|
||||
"Llamas are larger than frogs."
|
||||
|
||||
"It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where can we go?"
|
||||
"Argentina?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Curse you, Inspector Dim. You are too clever for us naughty people."
|
||||
|
||||
"It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."
|
||||
|
||||
"We interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, Two-Sheds!"
|
||||
"Yes, make yourself scarce, Two-Sheds. This studio isn't big enough for
|
||||
the three of us!"
|
||||
"Get your own arts program, you fairy!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Inconceivable!"
|
||||
"You use that word a lot. I don't think it means what you think it does."
|
||||
|
||||
"He'p me! Somebody, pleez, he'p me! I been hypmotize'!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Jane, you ignorant slut."
|
||||
|
||||
"No! That's just what they'll be expecting us to do!"
|
||||
|
||||
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
|
||||
have made them cute and furry.
|
||||
|
||||
"The evidence before the court is
|
||||
incontrovertible; there's
|
||||
no need for the jury to
|
||||
retire."
|
||||
|
||||
"Round up the usual suspects!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it
|
||||
for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point
|
||||
of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent
|
||||
little children."
|
||||
"Oh, so you don't like it?"
|
||||
"Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
|
||||
|
||||
"Mr. Notlob, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive
|
||||
operation can't prolong!"
|
||||
|
||||
"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
|
||||
|
||||
"If you could have any amount of money... How much would you want?"
|
||||
"All of it."
|
||||
|
||||
"Have you got a 27 B stroke 6?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Don't be stupid. Be a smarty.
|
||||
Come and join the Nazi Party."
|
||||
|
||||
"Take me away, imperialist puppets of the great Pay-TV satanistic
|
||||
corporate booger-heads!"
|
||||
|
||||
"I want a full scale Red Alert throughout the world. Surround EVERYONE
|
||||
with EVERYTHING we got! Mobilize every fighting unit and every weapon
|
||||
we can lay our hands on. I want... I want three full scale global
|
||||
nuclear alerts, with every Army, Navy, and Air Force unit on ETERNAL standby!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!"
|
||||
|
||||
A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, a hundred bottles
|
||||
of beer. If one of those bottles should happen to
|
||||
fall, it would shake the very foundations of the Universe.
|
||||
-from Mauve'Bib's "The Seven Pillows of Wisdom,"
|
||||
edited by the Princess Serutan
|
||||
|
||||
"Hey, stewardess. Run through that seatbelt demonstration
|
||||
a few more times. It's unbelievably tricky!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Mushy mushy mushy."
|
||||
|
||||
"It's the Peterson kid dressed as an iguana!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Nice girls don't explode."
|
||||
|
||||
"Well, I noticed the lad with the thermonuclear device was the Chief
|
||||
Constable for the area."
|
||||
|
||||
Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently
|
||||
dropped the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag
|
||||
the physician outside where he would beat him to death with a live
|
||||
ocelot.
|
||||
|
||||
"It's real handy, havin' an Elder God in the band, eh?"
|
||||
|
||||
"We have your favorite animal cookies. Here's
|
||||
a gorilla... Here's a collared peccary..."
|
||||
|
||||
"A mind is a terrible thing to waste someone with."
|
||||
|
||||
"[The vector] has never been of the slightest use to any creature."
|
||||
-Lord Kelvin
|
||||
|
||||
"The good thing about drawing a tiger is that it automatically
|
||||
makes your picture fine art."
|
||||
|
||||
"Take my Worf, please."
|
||||
|
||||
"`BILLSBY SLASHES FOUR, DIES IN COCAINE BRAWL'"
|
||||
"That's the front page, Mrs. Billsby."
|
||||
|
||||
"It's a dessert topping AND a floor wax!"
|
||||
|
||||
"It's funny, I hate the itching, but I don't mind the swelling."
|
||||
|
||||
"You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
|
||||
and I had my hands about it."
|
||||
|
||||
"...just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason, too..."
|
||||
|
||||
"I like overkill."
|
||||
|
||||
"Where do we keep all our chainsaws, mom?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Did you know the phone company uses the bone marrow
|
||||
of Third World babies to make microchips?"
|
||||
|
||||
"The part I think I'd like best is crushing people who get in my way."
|
||||
|
||||
"Regrettable that this society has chosen suicide."
|
||||
|
||||
"Get that finger out of your ear! You don't know where that finger's been!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Mind you, I can't say much for the volume's condition.
|
||||
I mean, there's a hole in the jacket and the spine appears
|
||||
to be damaged."
|
||||
|
||||
"You have an annoying fascination for timepieces, Mr. Sulu"
|
||||
|
||||
"Back off, man! I'm a scientist!"
|
||||
|
||||
"What are your general areas of interests?"
|
||||
"Aerodynamics. Designer jeans. Roofing supplies. That sort of thing."
|
||||
"What sort of thing?"
|
||||
"You know, liquidity. Point-of-sale. Margin accounts. Fast lane."
|
||||
|
||||
"In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and
|
||||
healthy competition, I'm going to ask you two to fight to
|
||||
the death for it."
|
||||
|
||||
"Why do you wear that toy on your head?"
|
||||
"Because if I wear it anywhere else, it chafes."
|
||||
|
||||
"Are there many fires in Norway?"
|
||||
"Oh Good Lord yes. The place is a constant blaze!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Dick! You're FIRED!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Storage Compartments? Storage Compartments?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Yes, well, that's just the sort of blinkered philistine pig-ignorance
|
||||
I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage."
|
||||
|
||||
"What a pinhead! Does he not fear us?!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Sorry, Nick. I lied, man."
|
||||
|
||||
"The world bores you when you're cool."
|
||||
|
||||
"The living dead don't NEED to solve word problems."
|
||||
|
||||
"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some
|
||||
sheep's testicles for a bet...God, that bloody sheep kicked him..."
|
||||
|
||||
"I'm doing everything I can, and stop calling me Shirley."
|
||||
|
||||
"Decadent rodent, we will bury you."
|
||||
|
||||
Dark and lonely
|
||||
on a summer night.
|
||||
Kill my landlord,
|
||||
Kill my landlord.
|
||||
|
||||
Watchdog barkin'
|
||||
Do he bite?
|
||||
Kill my landlord,
|
||||
Kill my landlord.
|
||||
|
||||
Senators, TV Crews, and the nation in general are mystified when,
|
||||
on the third day, Flaming Carrot shows a STAR TREK BLOOPER REEL
|
||||
on behalf of the defense.
|
||||
|
||||
Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes
|
||||
on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists
|
||||
and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and
|
||||
not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a
|
||||
useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.
|
||||
|
||||
"LONG LIVE THE GLORIOUS COCKROACH REBELLION AGAINST THE
|
||||
GREAT SUBURBAN BOURGEOIS OPPRESSOR SWINE-PIG!"
|
||||
<Slam!>
|
||||
"I HATE revolutionary jargon."
|
||||
|
||||
"You try any preversions in there, and I'll blow your head off."
|
||||
|
||||
He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies,
|
||||
the Director, Lucifer, Belial, and once, at a party,
|
||||
some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
|
||||
|
||||
"I've got to concentrate. I've got to concentrate!
|
||||
..Hello?
|
||||
..Echo!
|
||||
..Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon, Manny Mota!"
|
||||
|
||||
"I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal."
|
||||
|
||||
"I'm 6 foot 5, and I eat punks like you for breakfast!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Elvis has LEFT the building!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Hurl that spheroid down the field.."
|
||||
|
||||
"I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
|
||||
being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
|
||||
sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told
|
||||
that I am!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Has anybody seen my legs?"
|
||||
|
||||
"We're taking you to a clambake."
|
||||
|
||||
"It's hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing
|
||||
your crotch and baying at the moon..."
|
||||
|
||||
"That's the fact, Jack!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Kato, what is going on in that little yellow brain of yours?"
|
||||
|
||||
"They're not booing. They're just chanting `Dave! Dave!'"
|
||||
|
||||
"To me it is like a mountain.. a vast BOWL of PUS!"
|
||||
|
||||
"So whaddya want? Wicker?!?"
|
||||
|
||||
`As leader, you should never forget those who are loyal
|
||||
to you. You should hold parties for them regularly
|
||||
and have lots of whiskey (free) for them. That way, they
|
||||
get drunk and reveal themselves as the disloyal vermin they
|
||||
all are in reality.'
|
||||
-- "On Governing"
|
||||
|
||||
"You know, once in a while it is my pleasure, and my privilege to welcome
|
||||
here at the Refreshment Room some of the truly great international
|
||||
artists our time. And tonight we have one such artist. Ladies and
|
||||
gentlemen, someone who I've always personally admired, perhaps
|
||||
more deeply, more strongly, more ... abjectly than other performer.
|
||||
A man, well, more than a man, a god! A great god, whose personality
|
||||
is so totally and utterly wonderful, that my feeble words of welcome
|
||||
sound wretchedly and pathetically inadequate. Someone whose boots I
|
||||
would gladly lick clean, until holes wore through my tongue! A man
|
||||
who is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed
|
||||
in a pit of my own filth than dare tread on the same stage with him!
|
||||
Ladies and Gentlemen, the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink!"
|
||||
"He can't come!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Oh oh! No more buttered scones for me, Mater,
|
||||
I'm off to play the grand piano!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!"
|
||||
|
||||
"There should be a psychology of feet. For do we not
|
||||
make decisions with our legs, and walk about on our brains?
|
||||
What do you mean, `No, not really,'?"
|
||||
-from "The Notebooks of Mauve'Bib--Outtakes, Bloopers,
|
||||
and Unconvincing Maxims," Edited by the Princess Serutan.
|
||||
|
||||
"Say, isn't that a twenty-story-high Gumby-shaped robot
|
||||
approaching at about Mach 8?"
|
||||
"What do you know...? So it is."
|
||||
|
||||
"Into the mud, Scum Queen!"
|
||||
|
||||
That's not funny, that's sick!
|
||||
|
||||
"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
|
||||
"NO!...I mean Yes! WHAT?"
|
||||
"I'll put `maybe.'"
|
||||
|
||||
"Sometimes you just gotta say `what the heck'."
|
||||
|
||||
"How soon do you wish to marry my daughter?"
|
||||
"Oh, right away, squire, right away! I 'aven't 'ad any for weeks!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Guards, beat this man brutally for daring to try to confuse me!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Happiness is being famous for your financial
|
||||
ability to indulge in every kind of excess."
|
||||
|
||||
"The band is just fantastic,
|
||||
That is really what I think,
|
||||
Oh by the way, which one's Pink?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Right. Who's got a boil on his semprini then?"
|
||||
|
||||
"You look like a man with the minimum daily requirement of
|
||||
intelligence. Where can I find a book on self-confidence?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Kirk may be a swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with
|
||||
delusions of godhood, but he's not soft."
|
||||
|
||||
"Mind your manners, son! I've got a tall pointy hat!"
|
||||
|
||||
Birds of prey know they're cool.
|
||||
|
||||
"We're aimed the wrong way to be going home, Gumby."
|
||||
"Home...? We're on an express elevator to HECK!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Koko, will there be gnomes and dwarves for Lebee to wrestle with?"
|
||||
"Yes Mishu, and also trolls and mutants we may spar with!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Spontaneous combustion! What a stroke of luck!"
|
||||
|
||||
"This man is no ordinary man. This is Mr. F. G. Superman."
|
||||
|
||||
"Mistakes were made."
|
||||
|
||||
"You'd better ask yourself `Do I feel lucky?'
|
||||
Well, do you, punk?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Are you police officers?"
|
||||
"No, ma'am. We're musicians."
|
||||
|
||||
"And was head of Gestapo for 10 years - No! 5 years!
|
||||
No! No! Nein, was not head of Gestapo at all! I make joke."
|
||||
|
||||
"He's not Santa Claus...He doesn't LOOK like Santa Claus!"
|
||||
"Don't judge a book by its hide, kid. I let folks believe
|
||||
that `fat, jolly' nonsense 'cause it makes 'em FEEL good.
|
||||
So, are you tots gonna bust me out of here, or stand there
|
||||
gaping like trout?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Hey Dad, you crossed my line of death!"
|
||||
|
||||
"I guess test-flying F-20 Tigersharks at Mach 3 all
|
||||
day has rattled my good manners..."
|
||||
|
||||
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is
|
||||
second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little
|
||||
scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds
|
||||
if we felt like it.
|
||||
|
||||
"My nipples explode with delight!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Vaya con dios, scumbucket."
|
||||
|
||||
"How does this sound..? `Stop, or I'll stand very,
|
||||
very still for a surprisingly long time!'"
|
||||
|
||||
"One of us should bust in and confuse them while _I_
|
||||
head them off around front."
|
||||
|
||||
"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"
|
||||
|
||||
"If you don't vote for me I'll kill you all."
|
||||
|
||||
"The use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension
|
||||
of the Blues Brothers has been approved."
|
||||
|
||||
"They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos.
|
||||
Had one get loose on me back in '62. It slipped
|
||||
out of the cables while we were lowering it out
|
||||
of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six
|
||||
innocents in an insane bid for freedom."
|
||||
|
||||
"Leaving a trail of slime wherev-"
|
||||
>CLICK!<
|
||||
|
||||
"But, will I get the chicks? I mean, in truckloads?"
|
||||
|
||||
"I haven't time to go chasing after him! There's violence to be done!"
|
||||
|
||||
"They pelted us with rocks and garbage!"
|
||||
|
||||
"Why are you RUNNING? Cerebus just wants to KILL you a little..."
|
||||
|
||||
"Max, that bathing suit you're wearing makes my flesh crawl!
|
||||
And where did you get sunglasses to fit your bizarrely-spaced
|
||||
eyeballs?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Sir, I think I wanted to express the duality of man - a kind of
|
||||
Jungian thing, sir."
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
1027
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|
||||
|
||||
"What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win
|
||||
wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In
|
||||
independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it
|
||||
takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the simultaneous
|
||||
peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a base of
|
||||
technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second, a period
|
||||
of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human activities
|
||||
must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses the national
|
||||
attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate and wise leader
|
||||
must sense these first three conditions and put forth with words and action the
|
||||
great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young Americans to do what
|
||||
needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of conditions.... The Thomas
|
||||
Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John Kennedys appear. We must begin to
|
||||
create the tools of leadership which they, and thier young frontiersmen, will
|
||||
require to lead us onward and upward."
|
||||
|
||||
- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt,Sen.,New Mexico -
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
"My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
|
||||
and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable.... We should be reluctant
|
||||
to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we
|
||||
do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not we grapple with
|
||||
it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, slow march of
|
||||
intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point from which we can
|
||||
explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now would be to deny our
|
||||
history, our capabilities."
|
||||
|
||||
- James A. Michener -
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Gilb's Laws of Reliability
|
||||
|
||||
(1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
|
||||
|
||||
(3) The only difference between the fool, and the criminal who attacks a
|
||||
systrem is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front.
|
||||
|
||||
(5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the
|
||||
inherent unreliability of the system in which they are used.
|
||||
|
||||
(6) The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system are the key
|
||||
to understanding the type of errors which they cannot handle.
|
||||
|
||||
(7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
|
||||
errors, which by definition are limited.
|
||||
|
||||
(8) All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise - which is
|
||||
impossible.
|
||||
|
||||
(9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost
|
||||
of errors, or somebody insists on getting some useful work done.
|
||||
|
||||
TOM GILB
|
||||
|
||||
Where's the Wind-up Key ?
|
||||
JAMES E. KELLEY
|
||||
|
||||
Some days it's hard to get it together
|
||||
ANON
|
||||
|
||||
There is a time to let things happen and a time to make things happen.
|
||||
HUGH PRATHER
|
||||
|
||||
The best thing for being sad is to learn something. That is the only thing
|
||||
that never fails.
|
||||
T. H. WHITE
|
||||
|
||||
Time is the freight train of all truth
|
||||
R. OVERLOCK
|
||||
|
||||
No one wants to be the only available source.
|
||||
HUGH PRATHER
|
||||
|
||||
A man's mind, stretched by a new idea,can never go back to it's original
|
||||
dimension.
|
||||
OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES
|
||||
|
||||
There is no such thing as best in a world of individuals.
|
||||
HUGH PRATHER
|
||||
|
||||
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
|
||||
EDWARD DAHLBERG
|
||||
|
||||
Do not condemn your neighbor: you do not know what you would have done in his
|
||||
place.
|
||||
"Sayings of the Fathers"
|
||||
|
||||
Only the ignorant man becomes angry. The wise man understands.
|
||||
--Indian wisdom.
|
||||
|
||||
Anything that can go wrong WILL go wrong
|
||||
EDSEL MURPHY
|
||||
|
||||
If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million
|
||||
realities
|
||||
MAYA ANGELOU
|
||||
|
||||
What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything ?
|
||||
VINCENT van GOGH
|
||||
|
||||
Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush.
|
||||
DOUG LARSON
|
||||
|
||||
Progress begins with the belief that what is necessary is possible.
|
||||
NORMAN COUSINS
|
||||
|
||||
Simple solutions seldom are.
|
||||
FORBES
|
||||
|
||||
The best mirror is a friend's eye.
|
||||
GAELIC PROVERB
|
||||
|
||||
Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools.
|
||||
GENE BROWN
|
||||
|
||||
Not what I have, but what I do is my kingdom.
|
||||
THOMAS CARLYLE
|
||||
|
||||
Chance favors the prepared mind.
|
||||
LOUIS PASTEUR
|
||||
|
||||
Things will probably come out alright, but sometimes it takes strong nerves
|
||||
just to watch.
|
||||
HEDLEY DONOVAN
|
||||
|
||||
If everything would be permitted to me, I would feel lost in the abyss of
|
||||
freedom
|
||||
IGOR STRAVINSKY
|
||||
|
||||
You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact
|
||||
with a new idea.
|
||||
JOHN NUVEEN
|
||||
|
||||
Sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic
|
||||
CLARK
|
||||
|
||||
Ill play with it first and tell you what it is later.
|
||||
MILES DAVIS
|
||||
|
||||
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
|
||||
HASSAN I SABBAH
|
||||
|
||||
Dont let your mouth write no check that your tail cant cash.
|
||||
BO DIDDLEY
|
||||
|
||||
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of
|
||||
a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
|
||||
NIELS BOHR
|
||||
|
||||
Just because everything is different doesnt mean anything has changed.
|
||||
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE
|
||||
|
||||
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind
|
||||
to correlate all its contents.
|
||||
H P LOVECRAFT
|
||||
|
||||
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
|
||||
KEN KESEY
|
||||
|
||||
Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves.
|
||||
LITTLE RICHARD
|
||||
|
||||
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
|
||||
MAE WEST
|
||||
|
||||
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
|
||||
SIGMUND FREUD
|
||||
|
||||
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one Ive never tried
|
||||
before.
|
||||
MAE WEST
|
||||
|
||||
Her life was saved by rock and roll.
|
||||
LOU REED
|
||||
|
||||
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
|
||||
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
|
||||
J EDGAR HOOVER
|
||||
|
||||
Honest Officer, had I known my health stood in jepoardy I would never had lit
|
||||
one.
|
||||
MAXIM OF THE HELLS ANGELS
|
||||
|
||||
It is a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night.
|
||||
WILLIE SUTTON
|
||||
|
||||
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
|
||||
BILLY ROSE
|
||||
|
||||
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
|
||||
KARL MARX
|
||||
|
||||
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ... it
|
||||
would have been much better.
|
||||
KARL MARX'S MOTHER
|
||||
|
||||
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping
|
||||
center in the world?
|
||||
RICHARD M NIXON
|
||||
|
||||
When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake
|
||||
Shore Drive, its called hospitality.
|
||||
AL CAPONE
|
||||
|
||||
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
|
||||
EMMETT GROGAN
|
||||
|
||||
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
|
||||
FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT
|
||||
|
||||
If youve seen one city slum, youve seen them all.
|
||||
SPIRO AGNEW
|
||||
|
||||
If youve seen one redwood, youve seen them all.
|
||||
RONALD REAGAN
|
||||
|
||||
He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return.
|
||||
SOUTH AFRICAN SAYING
|
||||
|
||||
Use it up ... Wear it out. Make it do ... Or do without.
|
||||
US WORLD WAR II MESSAGE
|
||||
|
||||
You cant underestimate the power of fear.
|
||||
TRICIA NIXON
|
||||
|
||||
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
|
||||
WAVY GRAVY
|
||||
|
||||
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
|
||||
BUCKMINSTER FULLER
|
||||
|
||||
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
|
||||
DWIGHT D EISENHOWER
|
||||
|
||||
You smash it - and Ill build around it.
|
||||
JOHN LENNON
|
||||
|
||||
College isnt the place to go for ideas.
|
||||
HELLEN KELLER
|
||||
|
||||
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
|
||||
ARTHUR C CLARKE
|
||||
|
||||
America, how can a write a holy litany in your silly mood?
|
||||
ALLEN GINSBERG
|
||||
|
||||
It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat
|
||||
somebody.
|
||||
RICHARD M NIXON
|
||||
|
||||
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.
|
||||
ARTHUR C CLARKE
|
||||
|
||||
Justice is incedental to law and order.
|
||||
J EDGAR HOOVER
|
||||
|
||||
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
|
||||
GROUCHO MARX
|
||||
|
||||
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
|
||||
ABBIE HOFFMAN
|
||||
|
||||
Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old.
|
||||
PINK FLOYD
|
||||
|
||||
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still dont know what I want to be when I grow
|
||||
up.
|
||||
PETER DRUCKER
|
||||
|
||||
How can you be two places at once when youre not anywhere at all?
|
||||
FIRESIGN THEATER
|
||||
|
||||
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
|
||||
OSCAR WILDE
|
||||
|
||||
We are what we pretend to be.
|
||||
KURT VONNEGUT, JR
|
||||
|
||||
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
|
||||
OSCAR WILDE
|
||||
|
||||
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong - but thats
|
||||
the way to bet.
|
||||
DAMON RUNYON
|
||||
|
||||
I could prove God statistically.
|
||||
GEORGE GALLUP
|
||||
|
||||
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit
|
||||
who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail
|
||||
and feeble mind.
|
||||
ALBERT EINSTEIN
|
||||
|
||||
Real wealth can only increase.
|
||||
R BUCKMINSTER FULLER
|
||||
|
||||
Anyone can hate. it costs to love.
|
||||
JOHN WILLIAMSON
|
||||
|
||||
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or
|
||||
becomes true.
|
||||
JOHN LILLY
|
||||
|
||||
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
|
||||
GRAFFITI
|
||||
|
||||
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
|
||||
ALBERT EINSTEIN
|
||||
|
||||
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
|
||||
TALLULAH BANKHEAD
|
||||
|
||||
A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
|
||||
GEORGE WALD
|
||||
|
||||
Dont lose
|
||||
Your head
|
||||
To gain a minute
|
||||
You need your head
|
||||
Your brains are in it.
|
||||
BURMA SHAVE
|
||||
|
||||
It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been
|
||||
always thus.
|
||||
DEAN LATTIMER
|
||||
|
||||
Burnt Sienna. Thats the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
|
||||
KEN WEAVER
|
||||
|
||||
We dont know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasnt a fish.
|
||||
JOHN CULKIN
|
||||
|
||||
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from
|
||||
you.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
Please dont lie to me, unless youre absolutely sure Ill never find out the
|
||||
truth.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
Please dont ask me what the score is, Im not even sure what the game is.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
If you cant learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
I dont have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
Maybe Im lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong
|
||||
direction.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely
|
||||
overwhelm me.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the
|
||||
target.
|
||||
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
|
||||
|
||||
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
|
||||
civilization in between.
|
||||
OSCAR WILDE
|
||||
|
||||
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
|
||||
ALAN COULT
|
||||
|
||||
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
|
||||
presumably flunk it.
|
||||
STANLEY GARN
|
||||
|
||||
The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.
|
||||
FATHER ROBERT F CAPON
|
||||
|
||||
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men
|
||||
in national government too.
|
||||
RICHARD M NIXON
|
||||
|
||||
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
|
||||
DWIGHT D EISENHOWER
|
||||
|
||||
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
|
||||
inevitiable.
|
||||
JOHN F KENNEDY
|
||||
|
||||
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it
|
||||
were so, it would be; but as it isnt, it aint. Thats logic."
|
||||
LEWIS CARROLL
|
||||
|
||||
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
|
||||
EDWARD DAHLBERG
|
||||
|
||||
To know the world one must construct it.
|
||||
CESARE PAVESE
|
||||
|
||||
Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
|
||||
BULLWINKLE MOOSE
|
||||
|
||||
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
|
||||
TENESSEE WILLIAMS
|
||||
|
||||
An object never serves the same function as its image- or its name.
|
||||
RENE MAGRITTE
|
||||
|
||||
All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya dont
|
||||
go lookin' for rutabagas.
|
||||
KINGFISH
|
||||
|
||||
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
|
||||
M C ESCHER
|
||||
|
||||
Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences:
|
||||
If at first you don't suceed, transform your data set.
|
||||
|
||||
Laws of Computer Programming
|
||||
(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
|
||||
(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
|
||||
(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
|
||||
(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
|
||||
(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
|
||||
(6) The value of a program is porportional to the weight of its output.
|
||||
(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer
|
||||
who must maintain it.
|
||||
(8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you
|
||||
will find that programmers cannot write in English.
|
||||
SIGPLAN Notices, Vol 2 No 2
|
||||
|
||||
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
|
||||
CALVIN COOLIDGE
|
||||
|
||||
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
|
||||
PAUL ERLICH
|
||||
|
||||
If A equals success, then the formula is:
|
||||
A= X + Y + Z
|
||||
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
|
||||
ALBERT EINSTEIN
|
||||
|
||||
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.
|
||||
JOSEPH FISCHER
|
||||
|
||||
Fourth Law of Thermodymanics:
|
||||
If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero.
|
||||
DAVID ELLIS
|
||||
|
||||
Frouds Law:
|
||||
A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing
|
||||
first.
|
||||
|
||||
Fullers Law of Cosmic Irreversibility:
|
||||
1 Pot T == 1 Pot P
|
||||
1 Pot P != 1 Pot T
|
||||
R BUCKMINSTER FULLER
|
||||
|
||||
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
|
||||
J PAUL GETTY
|
||||
|
||||
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs
|
||||
pounding.
|
||||
ABRAHAM KAPLAN
|
||||
|
||||
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
|
||||
ROGER LEVIAN
|
||||
|
||||
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
|
||||
ordinance under which you can be booked.
|
||||
ROBERT D SPRECHT (RAND CORP)
|
||||
|
||||
Thoreau's Law:
|
||||
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good,
|
||||
you should run for your life.
|
||||
|
||||
Vique's Law:
|
||||
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
|
||||
|
||||
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first
|
||||
woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
|
||||
GERALD WEINBERG
|
||||
|
||||
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
|
||||
Nobody notices when things go right.
|
||||
|
||||
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
|
||||
CONFUCIUS
|
||||
|
||||
Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
|
||||
BOOK OF PROVERBS
|
||||
|
||||
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
|
||||
MARK TWAIN
|
||||
|
||||
The unnatural, that too is natural.
|
||||
GOETHE
|
||||
|
||||
I used to be indecisive; now Im not sure.
|
||||
GRAFFITI
|
||||
|
||||
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didnt like it.
|
||||
SAMUEL GOLDWYN
|
||||
|
||||
He hasn't one redeeming vice.
|
||||
OSCAR WILDE
|
||||
|
||||
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
|
||||
GRAFFITI
|
||||
|
||||
(To Walter Cronkite):
|
||||
"Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of
|
||||
heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a
|
||||
street"
|
||||
- Neil Armstrong -
|
||||
|
||||
"You doubted Me," God tells the Lawgiver [Moses], "But I forgave you that
|
||||
doubt. You doubted your own self and failed to believe in your own powers as a
|
||||
leader, and I forgave you that also. But you lost faith in these people and
|
||||
doubted the divine possibilities of Human Nature. THIS loss of faith makes it
|
||||
impossible for you to enter the Promised Land."
|
||||
- The Midrash -
|
||||
|
||||
" 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability"
|
||||
- George Bernard Shaw -
|
||||
|
||||
"Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without
|
||||
any proof"
|
||||
Ashley Montague -
|
||||
|
||||
"Birth, Copulation, and Death. That's all the facts when you come to brass
|
||||
tacks"
|
||||
T. S. Elliot -
|
||||
|
||||
"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood."
|
||||
D. B. Hudson -
|
||||
|
||||
"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more '
|
||||
user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old
|
||||
brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover."
|
||||
Bill Gates,Pres.,Microsoft,Inc. -
|
||||
|
||||
Eight Things your computer won't do:
|
||||
1) It won't save you money
|
||||
2) It won't make your organization run right
|
||||
3) It won't solve every problem
|
||||
4) It won't run itself
|
||||
5) It won't always be right
|
||||
6) It won't meet all its own needs
|
||||
7) It won't protect itself
|
||||
8) It won't become obsolete
|
||||
J. Makower -
|
||||
|
||||
Bradley's Bromide:
|
||||
If computers get too powerful,we can organize them into a committee... that
|
||||
will do them in.
|
||||
|
||||
Civilization Law #1:
|
||||
Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations one can
|
||||
do without thinking about them.
|
||||
|
||||
Ketterling's Law:
|
||||
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
|
||||
|
||||
"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B', 'A' is
|
||||
most likely a scoundrel"
|
||||
H. L. Mencken -
|
||||
|
||||
"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
|
||||
Christian Religion"
|
||||
George Washington -
|
||||
|
||||
"In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty."
|
||||
- Thomas Jefferson -
|
||||
|
||||
"During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
|
||||
been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride
|
||||
and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; in both,
|
||||
superstition, bigotry, and persecution."
|
||||
- James Madison -
|
||||
|
||||
"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations"
|
||||
- Thomas Jefferson -
|
||||
|
||||
"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately"
|
||||
- Benjamin Franklin -
|
||||
|
||||
"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried"
|
||||
- Thomas Jefferson -
|
||||
|
||||
"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained control of the
|
||||
country, it would probably fly around in circles"
|
||||
- Pat Paulsen -
|
||||
|
||||
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself"
|
||||
- Camus -
|
||||
|
||||
"I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it"
|
||||
- W. C. Fields -
|
||||
|
||||
"Six years for possession of a cigarette?...I got six months for possession of
|
||||
a deadly weapon!"
|
||||
- cartoon by S. Harris -
|
||||
|
||||
The Swartzberg Test:
|
||||
The validity of a science is its ability to predict.
|
||||
|
||||
"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing the
|
||||
rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries civilization will
|
||||
sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. We must provide a Great Age or
|
||||
see the collapse of the upward striving of the human race"
|
||||
- Alfred North Whitehead -
|
||||
|
||||
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!"
|
||||
- Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian -
|
||||
|
||||
"To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its
|
||||
programmer"
|
||||
- Morris Kingston -
|
||||
|
||||
"I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen
|
||||
more of them who were paralyzed in the head"
|
||||
- George Wallace -
|
||||
|
||||
"You don't have to explain something you never said"
|
||||
- Calvin Coolidge -
|
||||
|
||||
"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry"
|
||||
- Bismarck -
|
||||
|
||||
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money"
|
||||
- Everett Dirksen -
|
||||
|
||||
"The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
|
||||
market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and is
|
||||
fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
|
||||
- James Finke,Pres.,Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982) -
|
||||
|
||||
"I like a man who grins when he fights."
|
||||
- Winston Churchill -
|
||||
|
||||
"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."
|
||||
- Winston Churchill -
|
||||
|
||||
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick
|
||||
himself up and carry on..."
|
||||
- Winston Churchill -
|
||||
|
||||
"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
|
||||
and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday."
|
||||
- William Bragg -
|
||||
|
||||
"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die"
|
||||
- John W. Campbell -
|
||||
|
||||
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest"
|
||||
- Thoreau -
|
||||
|
||||
Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same damn thing over and
|
||||
over!
|
||||
|
||||
The meek will inherit the Earth..... The rest of us will go to the stars.
|
||||
|
||||
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
|
||||
|
||||
Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone.
|
||||
|
||||
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
|
||||
|
||||
Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.
|
||||
|
||||
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe
|
||||
you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it
|
||||
to be sure.
|
||||
|
||||
Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to get or how
|
||||
long it will last.
|
||||
|
||||
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
|
||||
|
||||
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics.
|
||||
|
||||
"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no
|
||||
one else has thought."
|
||||
- Albert Szent-Gyorgi -
|
||||
|
||||
"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals"
|
||||
- "Oh, Lucky Man" -
|
||||
|
||||
I really hate this damn machine,
|
||||
I wish that they would sell it.
|
||||
It never does just what I want,
|
||||
But only what I tell it.
|
||||
|
||||
"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it,
|
||||
she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels"
|
||||
- Goya -
|
||||
|
||||
"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead
|
||||
of using it"
|
||||
- Gordon R. Dickson -
|
||||
|
||||
"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor."
|
||||
- Toynbee -
|
||||
|
||||
"We have met the enemy and he is us"
|
||||
- Walt Kelly (in POGO) -
|
||||
|
||||
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are
|
||||
now extinct."
|
||||
- M. Somerset Maugham -
|
||||
|
||||
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
|
||||
- Bert Lantz -
|
||||
|
||||
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity."
|
||||
- Oscar Wilde -
|
||||
|
||||
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
|
||||
- Voltaire -
|
||||
|
||||
Ode to Turbulent Flow:
|
||||
Big whirls have little whirls
|
||||
Which feed on their velocity,
|
||||
And little whirls have lesser whirls
|
||||
And so on, to viscosity.
|
||||
|
||||
"IBM uses what I like to call the 'hole-in-the-ground technique' to destroy
|
||||
the competition..... IBM digs a big HOLE in the ground and covers it with
|
||||
leaves. It then puts a big POT OF GOLD nearby. Then it gives the call, 'Hey,
|
||||
look at all this gold, get over here fast.' As soon as the competitor approaches
|
||||
the pot, he falls into the pit"
|
||||
- John C. Dvorak -
|
||||
|
||||
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"
|
||||
- Heisenberg -
|
||||
|
||||
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted to my kind of
|
||||
fooling"
|
||||
- R. Frost -
|
||||
|
||||
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"
|
||||
- Ben Jonson -
|
||||
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
||||
|
||||
276
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes2.txt
Normal file
276
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes2.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,276 @@
|
||||
|
||||
"They that would give up essential liberty for a little temporary safety
|
||||
deserve neither liberty nor safety." - Benjamin Franklin
|
||||
|
||||
"Instances of the licentious and outrageous behavior of the military
|
||||
conservators still multiply upon us, some of which are of such nature, and
|
||||
have been carried to so great lengths, as must serve fully to evince that a
|
||||
late vote of this town, calling upon its inhabitants to provide themselves
|
||||
with arms for their defence, was a measure as it was legal natural right
|
||||
which the people have reserved to themselves, confirmed by the Bill of
|
||||
Rights, (the post-Cromwellian English bill of rights) to keep arms for their
|
||||
own defence; and as Mr. Blackstone observes, it is to be made use of when the
|
||||
sanctions of society and law are found insufficient to restrain the violence
|
||||
of oppression." - 'A Journal of the Times' (1768-1769) colonial Boston
|
||||
newspaper article
|
||||
|
||||
"They tell us, Sir, that we are weak -- unable to cope with so formidable an
|
||||
adversary. But when shall we be stronger? Will it be the next week, or the
|
||||
next year? Will it be when we are totally disarmed, and when a British guard
|
||||
shall be stationed in every house? Shall we gather strength by irresolution
|
||||
and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying
|
||||
supinely on our backs, and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our
|
||||
enemies shall have bound us hand and foot? Sir, we are not weak, if we make a
|
||||
proper use of those means which the God of nature hath placed in our power."
|
||||
- Patrick Henry (1736-1799) in his famous "The War Inevitable" speech, March,
|
||||
1775
|
||||
|
||||
"Three millions of People, armed in the holy cause of liberty, and in such a
|
||||
country as that which we possess, are invincible by any force which our enemy
|
||||
can send against us. Beside, Sir, we shall not fight our battles alone. There
|
||||
is a just God who presides over the destinies of Nations, and who will raise
|
||||
up friends to fight our battles for us." - Patrick Henry (1736-1799) in his
|
||||
famous "The War Inevitable" speech, March, 1775
|
||||
|
||||
"The battle, Sir, is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the
|
||||
active, the brave. Besides, Sir, we have no election. If we were base enough
|
||||
to desire it, it is now too late to retire from the contest. There is no
|
||||
retreat but in submission and slavery! Our chains are forged! Their clanking
|
||||
may be heard on the plains of Boston! The war is inevitable; and let it come!
|
||||
I repeat, Sir, let it come!" - Patrick Henry (1736-1799) in his famous "The
|
||||
War Inevitable" speech, March, 1775
|
||||
|
||||
It is in vain, Sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry, Peace,
|
||||
Peace! -- but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale
|
||||
that sweeps from the North will bring to our ears the clash of resounding
|
||||
arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is
|
||||
it that Gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so
|
||||
sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it,
|
||||
Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me
|
||||
liberty or give me death!" - Patrick Henry (1736-1799) in his famous "The War
|
||||
Inevitable" speech, March, 1775
|
||||
|
||||
"The supposed quietude of a good man allures the ruffian; while on the other
|
||||
hand, arms like laws discourage and keep the invader and the plunderer in
|
||||
awe, and preserve order in the world as well as property. The balance of
|
||||
power is the scale of peace. The same balance would be preserved were all the
|
||||
world destitute of arms, for all would be alike; but since some others them
|
||||
aside... Horrid mischief would ensue were one half the world deprived of the
|
||||
use of them; ... the weak will become the prey to the strong." - Thomas
|
||||
Paine, I Writings of Thomas Paine at 56 (1775).
|
||||
|
||||
"Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect every one who
|
||||
approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright
|
||||
force. When you give up that force, you are ruined." - Patrick Henry,
|
||||
speaking to the Virginia convention for the ratification of the constitution
|
||||
on the necessity of the right to keep and bear arms.
|
||||
|
||||
"Are we at last brought to such humiliating and debasing degradation, that we
|
||||
cannot be trusted with arms for our defense? Where is the difference between
|
||||
having our arms in possession and under our direction, and having them under
|
||||
the management of Congress? If our defense be the real object of having those
|
||||
arms, in whose hands can they be trusted with more propriety, or equal safety
|
||||
to us, as in our own hands?" - Patrick Henry, Philadelphia, 1836.
|
||||
|
||||
Sentry: "Halt, who goes there?"
|
||||
Voice : "American."
|
||||
Sentry: "Advance and recite the second verse of the Star Spangled Banner."
|
||||
Voice : "I don't know it."
|
||||
Sentry: "Proceed, American."
|
||||
|
||||
There are only three kinds of people: those who make things happen, those who
|
||||
watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
|
||||
|
||||
It is often easier to apologize for your actions than to ask permission to do
|
||||
those actions.
|
||||
|
||||
Ships are very safe when in port. Unfortunately a ship's mission has nothing
|
||||
to do with staying in port!
|
||||
|
||||
"War to the hilt between capitalism and communism is inevitable. Today, of
|
||||
course, we are not strong enough to attack. Our time will come in 20 or 30
|
||||
years. In order to win, we shall need the element of surprise. The
|
||||
bourgeoisie will have to be put to sleep, so we shall begin by launching the
|
||||
most spectacular peace movement on record. There will be electrifying
|
||||
overtures and unheard of concessions. The capitalist countries, stupid and
|
||||
decadent, will rejoice to cooperate in their own destruction. They will leap
|
||||
at another chance to be friends. As soon as their guard is down, we shall
|
||||
smash them with our clenched fist."-Quoted by Dmitri Z. Manuisky, Lenin
|
||||
School of Political Warfare (1931).
|
||||
|
||||
"Liberals, it has been said, are generous with other peoples' money, except
|
||||
when it comes to questions of national survival when they prefer to be
|
||||
generous with other people's freedom and security." William F. Buckley
|
||||
|
||||
"He that violates his oath profanes the Divinity of faith itself." - Cicero
|
||||
(found on LA City Hall)
|
||||
|
||||
"Disperse you Rebels - Damn you, throw down your Arms and disperse." -- Maj.
|
||||
John Pitcairn, Lexington, MA, April 19, 1775
|
||||
|
||||
"Those, who have the command of the arms in a country are masters of the
|
||||
state, and have it in their power to make what revolutions they please.
|
||||
[Thus,] there is no end to observations on the difference between the
|
||||
measures likely to be pursued by a minister backed by a standing army, and
|
||||
those of a court awed by the fear of an armed people." -- Aristotle. Quoted
|
||||
by John Trenchard and Walter Moyle "An Argument Shewing, That a Standing Army
|
||||
Is Inconsistent with a Free Government, and Absolutely Destructive to the
|
||||
Constitution of the English Monarchy" [London, 1697]
|
||||
|
||||
The English nobleman came home early to find his wife with her lover.
|
||||
Angrily he reached for his shotgun and aimed at the interloper. Just then,
|
||||
his butler whispered in his ear, "You're a sportsman, sir; get him on the
|
||||
rise."
|
||||
|
||||
Too often foreign aid is when the poor people of a rich nation send their
|
||||
money to the rich people of a poor nation.
|
||||
|
||||
"Men that are above all Fear, soon grow above all Shame." -- John Trenchard
|
||||
and Thomas Gordon "Cato's Letters: Or, Essays on Liberty, Civil and
|
||||
Religious, and Other Important Subjects" [London, 1755]
|
||||
|
||||
[The American Colonies are] "all democratic governments, where the power is
|
||||
in the hands of the people and where there is not the least difficulty or
|
||||
jealousy about putting arms into the hands of every man in the country.
|
||||
[European countries should not] be ignorant of the strength and the force of
|
||||
such a form of government and how strenuously and almost wonderfully people
|
||||
living under one have sometimes exerted themselves in defence of their rights
|
||||
and liberties and how fatally it has ended with many a man and many a state
|
||||
who have entered into quarrels, wars and contests with them." -- George Mason
|
||||
from "Remarks on Annual Elections for the Fairfax Independent Company" quoted
|
||||
from The Papers of George Mason, 1725-1792 edited by Robert A. Rutland
|
||||
[Chapel Hill, 1972
|
||||
|
||||
"... The answer is that one would like to be both the one and the other; but
|
||||
because it is difficult to combine them, it is far better to be feared than
|
||||
loved if you cannot be both. ...Men worry less about doing an injury to one
|
||||
who makes himself loved than to one who makes himself feared. The bond of
|
||||
love is one which men, wretched creatures that they are, break when it is to
|
||||
their advantage to do so; but fear is strengthened by a dread of punishment
|
||||
which is always effective." -- Machivelli - The Prince; Chapter 17
|
||||
|
||||
In the arguments over the validity of the Theory of Quantum Mechanics, Dr.
|
||||
Albert Einstein uttered his now oft-quoted line, "God does not play dice with
|
||||
the Universe" but rarely quoted is Dr. Neils Bohr's response, "Albert, stop
|
||||
telling God what to do."
|
||||
|
||||
"The strength of the Constitution lies entirely in the determination of each
|
||||
citizen to defend it. Only if every single citizen feels duty bound to do his
|
||||
share in this defense are the constitutional rights secure." -- Albert
|
||||
Einstein
|
||||
|
||||
"Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never -- in nothing,
|
||||
great or small, large or petty -- never give in except to convictions of
|
||||
honor and good sense." -- Winston Spencer Churchill Address at Harrow School,
|
||||
October 29, 1941
|
||||
|
||||
"Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long
|
||||
and hard the road may be; for without victory there is no survival." --
|
||||
Winston Spencer Churchill
|
||||
|
||||
"...the rank and file are usually much more primitive than we imagine.
|
||||
Propaganda must therefore always be essentially simple and repetitious." --
|
||||
Joseph Goebbels - Nazi Propaganda Minister
|
||||
|
||||
"The most brilliant propagandist technique will yield no success unless one
|
||||
fundamental principle is borne in mind constantly...it must confine itself to
|
||||
a few points and repeat them over and over." - Joseph Goebbels - Nazi
|
||||
Propaganda Minister
|
||||
|
||||
God grants liberty only to those who love it, and are always ready to guard
|
||||
and defend it." -- Daniel Webster
|
||||
|
||||
"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing." --
|
||||
Edmund Burke
|
||||
|
||||
"Democracy, the practice of self-government, is a covenant among free men to
|
||||
respect the rights and liberties of their fellows" - Franklin D. Roosevelt
|
||||
|
||||
"Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo
|
||||
the fatigue of supporting it." - Thomas Paine
|
||||
|
||||
"Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that
|
||||
men have died to win them." - Franklin D. Roosevelt
|
||||
|
||||
"You have sat too long here for any good you have been doing. depart, i say,
|
||||
and let us have done with you. In the name of God, go!" - Oliver Cromwell in
|
||||
dissolving Parliament, 1653
|
||||
|
||||
"If the laws of the Union were oppressive, they could not carry them into
|
||||
effect, if the people were possessed of the proper means of defence." -
|
||||
William Lenoir
|
||||
|
||||
"A cardinal rule of bureaucracy is that it is better to extend an error than
|
||||
to admit a mistake." - Colin Greenwood
|
||||
|
||||
"We, the People are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts -
|
||||
not to overthrow the Constitution, but to overthrow men who pervert the
|
||||
Constitution." - A. Lincoln
|
||||
|
||||
"If cowardly and dishonorable men sometimes shoot unarmed men with army
|
||||
pistols or guns, the evil must be prevented by the penitentiary and gallows,
|
||||
and not by a general deprivation of a constitutional privilege." - Ark.
|
||||
Supreme Court, 1878
|
||||
|
||||
"The right of citizens to bear arms is just one guarantee against arbitrary
|
||||
government, one more safeguard against the tyranny which now appears remote
|
||||
in America, but which historically has proved to be always possible." -
|
||||
Senator Hubert Humphrey
|
||||
|
||||
"There is only one tactical principal which is not subject to change. It is
|
||||
to use the means at hand to inflict the maximum amount of wounds, death, and
|
||||
destruction in the minimum amount of time." - General George S. Patton
|
||||
|
||||
"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other
|
||||
bastard die for his." --- General George S. Patton
|
||||
|
||||
"We always hire Democratic Congressmen who promise to give us from the
|
||||
government all the things we want. And we always hire Republican Presidents
|
||||
to make sure we don't have to pay for it." - T.J. Rodgers quoting in REASON
|
||||
|
||||
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time
|
||||
Congress meets." -- Will Rogers
|
||||
|
||||
"They have rights who dare maintain them." -- James Russell Lowell
|
||||
|
||||
We, free citizens of the Great Republic, feel an honest pride in her
|
||||
greatness, her strength, her just and gentle government, her wide liberties,
|
||||
her honored name, her stainless history, her unbesmirched flag, her hands
|
||||
clean from oppression of the weak and from malicious conquest, her hospitable
|
||||
door that stands open to the hunted and the persecuted of all nations; we are
|
||||
proud of the judicious respect in which she is held by monarchies which hem
|
||||
her in on every side, and proudest of all of that loft patriotism which we
|
||||
inherited from our fathers, which we have kept pure, and which won our
|
||||
liberties in the beginning and has preserved them unto this day. While
|
||||
patriotism endures the Republic is safe, her greatness is secure, and against
|
||||
them the powers of the earth can not prevail." -- Mark Twain
|
||||
|
||||
Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror.
|
||||
Kill everyone and you are a God. -- Jean Rostand
|
||||
|
||||
"...The right of the people peacefully to assemble for lawful purposes
|
||||
existed long before the adoption of the Constitution of the United States.
|
||||
In fact, it is and always has been one of the attributes of a free
|
||||
government. It `derives its source,' to use the language of Chief Justice
|
||||
Marshall, in Gibbons v Ogden, 9 Wheat., 211, `from those laws whose authority
|
||||
is acknowledged by civilized man throughout the world.' It is found wherever
|
||||
civilization exists. It was not, therefore, a right granted to the people by
|
||||
the Constitution... The second and tenth counts are equally defective. The
|
||||
right there specified is that of `bearing arms for a lawful purpose.' This
|
||||
is not a right granted by the constitution. Neither is it in any manner
|
||||
dependant upon that instrument for its existance. The Second Amendment
|
||||
declares that it shall not infringed; but this, as has been seen, means no
|
||||
more than it shall not be infringed by Congress. This is one of the
|
||||
amendments that has no other effect than to restrict the powers of the
|
||||
National Government..." UNITED STATES v. CRUIKSHANK; 92 US 542; (1875)
|
||||
|
||||
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. --- R. Buckminster Fuller
|
||||
|
||||
"If there is one basic element in our Constitution, it is civilian control of
|
||||
the military." --- President Harry S. Truman (1884-1972)
|
||||
|
||||
A camel is a horse designed by a committee and an elephant is a mouse
|
||||
built to military specifications." -- from page 321 of "Cryptanalysis for
|
||||
Microcomputers" by Caxton C. Foster (University of Massachusetts), Hayden
|
||||
Book Co. Inc., 1982.
|
||||
|
||||
98
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/random.txt
Normal file
98
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/random.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,98 @@
|
||||
Time flies when you're in a coma.
|
||||
Crying: strengthens immune system by cleansing impurities
|
||||
In ENGLISH, Data?! --Captain Beverly Picard
|
||||
"Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life..." o/` o/`
|
||||
A book (returned) in time saves time.
|
||||
I don't see you guys rating the kind of "mate" I'm contemplating...
|
||||
Better attitudes through chemistry.
|
||||
Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
|
||||
"Nobody listens unless you swear every other word." -- Kirk
|
||||
Notice: All incoming fire has the right of way.
|
||||
Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
|
||||
I'm floating in a most peculiar way.
|
||||
Never trust a computer you cannot carry.
|
||||
Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out
|
||||
SDR: Shift Disk Right
|
||||
The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously.
|
||||
Bearjoran takes over DS9 in Pooh D'Etat!
|
||||
Women: Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em, pass the beer nuts.
|
||||
Expensive imported beer is good for the sole.
|
||||
Love of Money: The root of all EVIL...
|
||||
Remember when 'lots of ram' meant 32k?
|
||||
Hiya, Doc! What's cookin'? - Data
|
||||
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
|
||||
Tasha Burger: It'll come up again later after it's gone.
|
||||
113 grams, 10 milliliters ... he's lead, Jim.
|
||||
Oxymoron: Conservative Scholar
|
||||
Man Vs. Beer: A beer will only come when you want it to.
|
||||
Gardeners are prone to sod-den decisions!
|
||||
"I am Homer of the Borg. You will be assim.... Hmm... Donuts..."
|
||||
Windoze isn't crippleware - It's "Fuctionally Challenged"
|
||||
OPERATORS really know how to mount it
|
||||
Don't blame me, it's San Andrea's fault
|
||||
Frogs are smart. They ea Refer#: NONE
|
||||
Hollywood Gossip: Phyllis Zinn
|
||||
A liberal is nothing but a communist on Prozac!
|
||||
96.37% of all statistics are made up
|
||||
Why don't sharks bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.
|
||||
QaH! jIpumpu' 'ej jIHu'laHbe'!
|
||||
I can't be humble -- it's just not honest.
|
||||
i don't beLIEve slick wilLIE!
|
||||
"Bloody hell!" -- O'Brien
|
||||
Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi
|
||||
Visit beautiful Vergas, Minnesota.
|
||||
SPELLCASTERS do it with their rods/staves/wands
|
||||
ARC.angel says "zip.itup"
|
||||
Look, mom: No disk drive!
|
||||
Cats have 9 lives. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
|
||||
A pessimist is a well informed optimist.
|
||||
Assimilation is futile. You will be resisted.
|
||||
We're testing as QWK as we can
|
||||
"What is this... time?" Wormhole creators
|
||||
What is the highest pyramid in the world? Amway.
|
||||
SWAT: SWAp Terminals
|
||||
Experience is what you get after you need it
|
||||
SYSTEM ERROR: press F13 to continue...
|
||||
<Ctrl<<Alt<<Del< to read the next message
|
||||
My favorite color? Red. No, BluAAAAAHHH!
|
||||
James S. Brady, Press Secretary to President Reagan was an Eagle Scout.
|
||||
You are aging when all your black book names end in M.D.
|
||||
Klingon vessel uncloaking....or is it Odo?
|
||||
TROI: I feel pain, GREAT pain! ... RIKER: Glad you liked it!
|
||||
Thank you, God. Keep it up!!!
|
||||
Disks travel in packs.
|
||||
Cut the Grass!: Moses Lawn
|
||||
It wasn't broken..until I started playing with it!
|
||||
I TAUGHT MY DUCK TO SAY ".QWK .QWK"
|
||||
These were great. I just tried to search TLX's database and got a major
|
||||
Confuse the world -- smile all day Monday!
|
||||
You mean there are BBS's that AREN'T run by drunks?
|
||||
No brain, no effect!
|
||||
Don't eat with you mouth full.
|
||||
Reality is all a point of view.
|
||||
Fashion: A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months.
|
||||
Let all fetuses live.
|
||||
Does "Gay 90s" have anything to do with Clinton's Army?
|
||||
Do witches run spell checkers?
|
||||
<<<DEADLY NINJA THROWING TAGLINE>>>
|
||||
"@#$%*! I've struck oil", Tom said, crudely.
|
||||
YOU VACUOUS STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
|
||||
Downstairs, in the historic Old Grid Building.
|
||||
BATF Cafeteria Menu: Blackened Baby Back Ribs.
|
||||
DRUMMERS do it longer
|
||||
Pants: Trousers' country cousins.
|
||||
duck season, wabbit season, duck season, wabbit season..
|
||||
"Shut up Spock, we're rescuing you" - McCoy.....
|
||||
Narrow minded: looks through keyhole with both eyes at the same time.
|
||||
"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
|
||||
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister!
|
||||
"Every why hath a wherefore."
|
||||
You will be invited to dine with many important people.
|
||||
Focus On the Family; "McCulture" at its very best!
|
||||
Define normal.
|
||||
Artists do it by design.
|
||||
"Dumber than advertised." -- Yakko Warner
|
||||
Sysoping makes you fat.
|
||||
A man's best friend is his copy of Messenger V1.0.
|
||||
FORE!.........................................<BONK!<
|
||||
Skydivers go down faster.
|
||||
532
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/taglines.txt
Normal file
532
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/taglines.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,532 @@
|
||||
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." (Bill Gates, 1981)
|
||||
"A newspaper is a collection of half-injustices"
|
||||
"All my hidden skills are undiscovered." - Clinton
|
||||
"Are your cookies made with real Girl Scouts?"
|
||||
"But honey, we need a 2 gig drive for word processing!"
|
||||
"DOS=HIGH" Hmm, I knew it was on something...
|
||||
"Good morning!" is an opinion, not a greeting.
|
||||
"Graphic Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment."
|
||||
"Ground Beef" -- A Cow With No Legs!
|
||||
"Hex Dump" - Where Witches put used curses?
|
||||
"I'd like all your $20 bills in this bag", "To go".
|
||||
"Leave my blouse alone! I said Spellcheck, not Spillcheck"
|
||||
"MEOW"...SPLAT..."RUFF"...SPLAT...(Raining cats & dogs)
|
||||
"Please return stewardess to original upright position"
|
||||
"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" - Freud
|
||||
"Uh honey, a P5 with a 20" monitor is perfect for mail"
|
||||
"WHO CARES where Carmen Sandiego is?"
|
||||
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail, (G)rab_Hammer
|
||||
*IT IS* documented, look under "For Internal Use Only."
|
||||
......64..65...66...67...68...69... "STOP RIGHT THERE!"
|
||||
...and I betcha she can say it in 10 different languages!
|
||||
...I love children! They taste just like chicken.
|
||||
...I multi-task, I read in the bathroom.
|
||||
...So simple a child could do it? Go find me a child!
|
||||
1 + 2 = 3; Therefore, 4 + 5 = 6.
|
||||
10 days and 18 messages later, "Oh I understand now"
|
||||
20 Dumb Blonds in freezer: Frosted flakes.
|
||||
3 stages of sex: Tri-weekly, try weekly, try weakly.
|
||||
50 states, and I had to pick one of confusion...
|
||||
69, 714, 2112 : Sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll!
|
||||
74% of all statistics are made up on the spot
|
||||
89.6% of all statistics are wrong.
|
||||
A .45 beats a royal flush EVERY TIME
|
||||
A big enough hammer can usually fix anything.
|
||||
A bird in the hand is a big mistake.
|
||||
A bird in the hand is better than one overhead!
|
||||
A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week.
|
||||
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
|
||||
A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.
|
||||
A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering everywhere
|
||||
A field upgrade,HAL. We're going to make you IBM compatible.
|
||||
A fool with a tool is a well-equipped fool
|
||||
A girl a day keeps the wife away.
|
||||
A good marriage outlasts the first box of dental floss.
|
||||
A hundred years from now, none of us will give a damn.
|
||||
A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.
|
||||
A jerk present in a group indicates a jerk in charge.
|
||||
A lawyer's opinion is worth nothing unless paid for.
|
||||
A little greed can get you lots of stuff
|
||||
A low yield atomic bomb is like being a bit pregnant.
|
||||
A man's incomplete until married; then he's finished!
|
||||
A narrow mind is usually accompanied by a wide mouth.
|
||||
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day...
|
||||
A nudist has no reason to fear a pickpocket.
|
||||
A perfect woman is one that is inflated to 40psi.
|
||||
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
|
||||
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces every time.
|
||||
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
|
||||
A too-short mini skirt leaves a definitive end in view.
|
||||
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
|
||||
A wife lasts as long as a marriage, an ex-wife for ever.
|
||||
A woman cries before the wedding, a man after.
|
||||
Actions are usually right, but the reasons seldom are.
|
||||
Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache.
|
||||
Age and treachery can always overcome youth and skill.
|
||||
AGGHHhhh, 4 AM Already!
|
||||
ALL bikini clad women, proceed to move to California.
|
||||
All women are automatically born with a shopping disorder
|
||||
Always consider the alternative before making a choice.
|
||||
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
|
||||
Always smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to.
|
||||
Am I ignorant or apathetic? I don't know and don't care!
|
||||
An idea is not responsible for fools who believe in it.
|
||||
And on the seventh day, He took an aspirin.
|
||||
Any given program, once running, is obsolete.
|
||||
Any sufficiently advanced bug will become a feature.
|
||||
Any sufficiently advanced technology looks like magic.
|
||||
Anyone who remembers the 60's...wasn't there.
|
||||
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
|
||||
Are you on an ego trip? You forgot your luggage.
|
||||
As your Doctor I advise you to drink heavily.
|
||||
ASCII silly questions and you'll get some silly ANSI
|
||||
Author of "Lead, follow, or get outta the way."
|
||||
Avoid the 5 o'clock rush - always leave work at noon.
|
||||
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
|
||||
Bank Rule: To get a loan, first prove you don't need it.
|
||||
Bathroom scale: Something you stand on and swear at.
|
||||
BBS Tip #45: ALT-H gives you sysop access!
|
||||
Be kind to animals.....Take your Boss to lunch......
|
||||
Behind every man, there's a woman with nothing to wear.
|
||||
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
|
||||
Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.
|
||||
Both of his feet are firmly planted in the air.
|
||||
Bush says "No new taxes!", Clinton says, "No, NEW taxes!"
|
||||
But honey, I wouldn't be up so late on a faster machine!
|
||||
Call me if you need my phone number!
|
||||
Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
|
||||
Captain we're at 1700 CPS. The UARTs canna take much more
|
||||
Careful. I know Karate and a few other foreign words.
|
||||
Cats are smarter than dogs. Eight cats won't pull a sled.
|
||||
Chemists don't die, they just stop reacting!
|
||||
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
|
||||
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
|
||||
Compatible: Blows up a little later than Incompatible
|
||||
copy *.txt > brain
|
||||
Credit card owner -- Member of the debt set
|
||||
Criminal lawyer. Isn't that redundant?
|
||||
Cross river *THEN* insult alligator.
|
||||
Curiosity didn't kill the cat. I got 'im with the mower!
|
||||
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
|
||||
Debrief: Wife listening while you talk in your sleep.
|
||||
Dentist's famous last words: "You won't feel a thing..."
|
||||
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
|
||||
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
|
||||
Diplomacy: Saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock
|
||||
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
|
||||
Do NOT look into laser with remaining eye..
|
||||
Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
|
||||
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
|
||||
Do witches use Spell-checkers?
|
||||
Do ya really believe her when she says size don't matter?
|
||||
Do you always hit the nail right on the thumb?
|
||||
Does "PIRATE" software come with a treasure map?
|
||||
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children
|
||||
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
|
||||
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind is made up!
|
||||
Don't even TRY to THINK without proper tools.
|
||||
Don't lend people money. It causes amnesia.
|
||||
Don't look now, but your file is unzipped.
|
||||
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
|
||||
Don't open the darkroom door; it lets all the dark out.
|
||||
Don't overtax yourself; that's the Government's job.
|
||||
Don't take life seriously...it isn't permanent.
|
||||
Don't worry the next message will be better!
|
||||
Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.
|
||||
Elvis Stamps: Where will your mail be spotted next?
|
||||
Epitaph on a gravestone: Cheerio, see you soon.
|
||||
Error-Disk Full Error,Formatting Drive C: to make space
|
||||
Every exit is an entrance into something else.
|
||||
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
|
||||
Every step you take becomes a twist of fate.
|
||||
Every valuable idea offends someone.
|
||||
Everyone is a genius at least once a year.
|
||||
Everyone is gifted. Some just open their packages sooner.
|
||||
Everyone makes mistakes, if not we'd all be single!
|
||||
Excuse me if I sound bitter....I taste that way too
|
||||
Excuse me, while I change into something more formidable.
|
||||
Expert: "ex"=a has-been. "spert"=a drip under pressure.
|
||||
Explosion at sperm bank. Nurses overcome.
|
||||
Features should be discovered, not documented!
|
||||
First, they tax incomes; now they're taxing my patience.
|
||||
Floppy Disk = Lower back trouble.
|
||||
Fools and their money become popular quickly.
|
||||
General Failure reading drive A: Please remove your fist
|
||||
Get gun. Shoot computer. Turn off lights...
|
||||
Give a man an inch, and he thinks he's a ruler.
|
||||
Give and you might receive. Take and be sure of it.
|
||||
Go ahead, correct my typos. I'll make more.
|
||||
Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go EVERYwhere.
|
||||
Got my Uzi, got some Scotch...let's go to Disneyland!
|
||||
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer again...
|
||||
Gravity doesn't exist. The Earth sucks.
|
||||
Great beer bellies are made, not born.
|
||||
Gun Control: Ability to hit what you aim at!
|
||||
Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
|
||||
HA HAH HA HAH HAH <SMACK> ... oof ...
|
||||
Have a cold? Let me introduce you to Doc Jack Kevorkian.
|
||||
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of woman scorned!
|
||||
Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!
|
||||
Help! I've been possessed by a UNIX daemon!
|
||||
Here, you go first, you're immune to bullets.
|
||||
Hey Santa, can I have a copy of your naughty girls list?
|
||||
Hey! Don't shoot that postal worker <BANG!> NO CARRIER
|
||||
Hey, wake up! It's time for your sleeping pills.
|
||||
Hire teenagers while they still know everything.
|
||||
History is a set of lies agreed upon by the Victors
|
||||
Honesty pays, but not enough for some.
|
||||
Hong Kong, Son of King Kong
|
||||
Honk if you love obscene gestures.
|
||||
Horn busted! Watch for finger...
|
||||
Hot water Heaters: hot water needs heating?
|
||||
How can you be so deaf with those huge ears?
|
||||
How did I get round from eating square meals?
|
||||
How do women get minks? Same way minks get minks
|
||||
How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
|
||||
I am correct, the rest of you are wrong!
|
||||
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
|
||||
I am not 40, I'm 18 with 22 years experience
|
||||
I am not arguing with you, I'm telling you.
|
||||
I am not young enough to know everything.
|
||||
I am the Shopping Cart that nicks at your paint-job.
|
||||
I came, I saw, I confused.
|
||||
I can keep a secret. It's the people I tell that can't
|
||||
I can SPELL, I just can't TYPE worth a hoot !
|
||||
I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks left!
|
||||
I don't have a solution but I really admire the problem.
|
||||
I don't have all the answers, just those that count.
|
||||
I don't own any slaves. My wife has one, though.
|
||||
I gave up on my wife, and married my computer.
|
||||
I got everything but the part after "Now listen closely".
|
||||
I have a dirty mind, I mud wrestle with my conscience.
|
||||
I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
|
||||
I have been poor and I have been rich. Rich is better.
|
||||
I have but three enemies: fear, anger, ignorance.
|
||||
I have my wife on a 4 year lease with an option to buy.
|
||||
I have seen the data...now bring me some I can agree with
|
||||
I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk
|
||||
I idiot-proof my programs, & along comes a bigger idiot.
|
||||
I just took an IQ test. The results were negative.
|
||||
I like your approach, now let's see your departure
|
||||
I love animals! But they all seem to taste like chicken.
|
||||
I may be wrong, but I'm never in doubt!
|
||||
I may have my faults, but being wrong ain't one of them.
|
||||
I may have settled in shipping.
|
||||
I may look busy, but I'm just confused!
|
||||
I need a drink...where's the SPACE BAR?
|
||||
I never get lost, just momentarily disoriented.
|
||||
I still miss my ex-wife - but my aim is improving!
|
||||
I think my learning curve has turned into a circle.
|
||||
I think, therefore I am, I think
|
||||
I thought I was a wit, and I was half right.
|
||||
I tried to drown my sorrows, but they can swim.
|
||||
I t<>ld yo<79>, "Never<65>touch <20>he flop<6F>y disk s<>rface!"
|
||||
I used to jog, but the ice kept falling out of my glass.
|
||||
I was on a roll, till I slipped on the butter.
|
||||
I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now
|
||||
I was talking during sex and my girlfriend hung up.
|
||||
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous
|
||||
I'd love to, but I'm observing National Apathy Week.
|
||||
I'd love to, but I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
|
||||
I'd love to, but I'm touring China with a wok band.
|
||||
I'd love to, but my bathroom tiles need grouting.
|
||||
I'd love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
|
||||
I'd love to, but my patent is pending.
|
||||
I'd love to, but my uncle escaped again.
|
||||
I'd love to, but the President said he might drop in.
|
||||
I'll get to it on the 2nd Tuesday of next week.
|
||||
I'll have what the gentleman on the floor is having.
|
||||
I'm as confused as a baby at a topless bar!
|
||||
I'm Buy-sexual, I have to pay for it.
|
||||
I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.
|
||||
I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?
|
||||
I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.
|
||||
I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of crashing.
|
||||
I'm not afraid of heights; I'm afraid of widths.
|
||||
I'm not dead, I'm metabolically challenged.
|
||||
I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you!
|
||||
I'm not lost, I'm "locationally challenged."
|
||||
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
|
||||
I'm not rude, I'm "attitudinally challenged".
|
||||
I'm not spoiled...I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!
|
||||
I'm not worthless. I can always serve as a bad example.
|
||||
I'm sorry Mrs. Bobbitt, you can't send that in the mail.
|
||||
I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes.
|
||||
I've met zucchini with more potential.
|
||||
I've seen condom vending machines, but this one installs.
|
||||
if ( original_ver == OK ) don't_upgrade();
|
||||
If (Wife = "yes") then (MONEY = "Gone") else Single
|
||||
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
|
||||
If all goes well, you've overlooked something!
|
||||
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong
|
||||
If at first you don't succeed, call it Ver 1.0
|
||||
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil . . .
|
||||
If I save time, when do I get it back ?
|
||||
If I throw a cat out the car window, is it kitty litter?
|
||||
If I want your opinion I'll beat it out of you!
|
||||
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy folks?
|
||||
If it jams, force it....If it breaks, it needed replacing
|
||||
If it screams, it's not food, yet....
|
||||
If it works, rip it apart and find out why!
|
||||
If it works, you must have done something wrong.
|
||||
If it's obvious, it's obviously wrong.
|
||||
If it's useless, it will have to be documented.
|
||||
If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.
|
||||
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!
|
||||
If screwups were dollars, I'd be a millionaire!!
|
||||
If she can't take the heat, get her out of the oven!
|
||||
If the thread ended in her jeans, should we follow it?
|
||||
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
|
||||
If things improve with age, I'm nearly MAGNIFICENT!
|
||||
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
|
||||
If Version 1.0 works someone goofed...
|
||||
If you can't laugh at yourself ... I'll do it for you.
|
||||
If you can't make it good, make it big.
|
||||
If you can't make it good, make it expensive.
|
||||
If you have nothing to say, please only say it once!
|
||||
If you really want to know, you won't ask me.
|
||||
If you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
|
||||
If you want her to show emotion, cut up her credit cards.
|
||||
if you want someone to keep a secret, keep it yourself.
|
||||
If you want the last word with a woman, apologize.
|
||||
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a pole.
|
||||
In an empty head, you can hear forever....
|
||||
In zen skiing, you learn to become one with the snow.
|
||||
Include this in your CONFIG.SYS File: BUGS=OFF
|
||||
Insanity is just a state of mind.
|
||||
Insert disk 5 of 4 and press any key to continue
|
||||
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
|
||||
Invest in negotiable blondes...
|
||||
It is always darkest just before you turn on the lights.
|
||||
It said "Insert disk #3", but only 2 will fit!
|
||||
It was so cold, I almost got married.
|
||||
It wasn't my fault your wife wandered into my house!
|
||||
It's 10:00pm. Do you know where your daughter is?
|
||||
It's been a business doing pleasure with you...
|
||||
It's not a BUG, it's an undocumented feature!
|
||||
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
|
||||
It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
|
||||
It's not worth it. I'm going back to bed.
|
||||
It's tagline poker. Can you beat EIGHT aces...?
|
||||
Its rarely fun, never easy, and always expensive!
|
||||
Jesus saves....Passes to Moses....He shoots! HE SCORES!
|
||||
Junk - stuff we throw away. Stuff - junk we keep.
|
||||
Just got a new car for my wife... Great trade...
|
||||
Just when you got it all figured out: An UPGRADE!
|
||||
Just when you thought it was safe to go outside...
|
||||
Kinky: Using A Feather. Sick: Using The Whole Chicken
|
||||
Last night sex was so good the neighbors lit cigarettes.
|
||||
Last words of Socrates: "I drank what?!?!"
|
||||
Lead me not into temptation, I can find my own way
|
||||
Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.
|
||||
Life is not fair...it IS, however, quite a circus.
|
||||
Life is short, eat dessert first.
|
||||
Live long and prosper... But don't let the IRS know.
|
||||
Lots of people make sense, I want to make $$$
|
||||
Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.
|
||||
Love of money is the root of all politics.
|
||||
Lunatic asylum: where optimism most flourishes.
|
||||
Luxuriantly hand-crafted from only the finest ASCII.
|
||||
Madness takes it's toll. Please have exact change.
|
||||
Mail your ideas written on the back of a $20 bill to...
|
||||
May your screen live long and phosphor.
|
||||
Maybe they'll send you a free upgrade...NOT!
|
||||
Me, indecisive? I don't think I am, do you?
|
||||
Memories of you remind me of you.
|
||||
Microwave Hint#3: Make a hole in the turtle's shell first
|
||||
Minds, like parachutes, work best when open.
|
||||
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
|
||||
Mistress: something between a mister and a matteress
|
||||
Money is like a promise, easier made then kept.
|
||||
Money talks - mine says "Goodbye"
|
||||
Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.
|
||||
My Body's here, but my Mind's on vacation.
|
||||
My boss is tempermental. 50% temper and 50% mental.
|
||||
My wife loves ME--it's the computer she hates!
|
||||
Network management is like trying to herd cats...
|
||||
Never fight with a bear in his own cave.
|
||||
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
|
||||
Never insult 7 men when all you're packing is a 6-shooter
|
||||
Never trust a person who says, "Trust Me"....
|
||||
New religion? I haven't used up the old one, yet!
|
||||
Next time you wave, use ALL of your fingers!!
|
||||
No Credit, Bad Credit? No Problem. No Money? Problem.
|
||||
No, no, nurse! I said SLIP off his SPECTACLES!!
|
||||
Objects under T-Shirt are larger than they appear.
|
||||
Of all the people I've met, you're certainly one of 'em.
|
||||
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most!
|
||||
Of course I have backup tapes! Do you want last years?
|
||||
Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems
|
||||
Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
|
||||
Plastic explosives will be appropriate later in the week.
|
||||
Please affix a 29-cent stamp on your next message.
|
||||
Please save the above drivel for future reference!
|
||||
Please type your Bank PIN number in your reply again.
|
||||
Politicians are like diapers, they need to be changed often.
|
||||
Politicians cut red tape....LENGTHWISE
|
||||
Polls show that 9 out of 6 schizophrenics agree.
|
||||
Pornography? I don't even have a pornograph!
|
||||
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
|
||||
Procrastination Day Has Been Postponed!
|
||||
Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the ark.
|
||||
Programmers don't get sniffles, they get a CODE.
|
||||
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out!
|
||||
Public Restroom-The only place a flush beats a full house
|
||||
Purranoia: the fear one's cats are up to something.
|
||||
Put on your seatbelt. I'm gonna try something new.
|
||||
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
|
||||
Resist everything but temptation.
|
||||
Rudolph changed his nose to 500 watts. Blew a fuse.
|
||||
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
|
||||
Santa uses 'The Club' in New York, a vest in Florida.
|
||||
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
|
||||
Scaldophobia: Fear the toilet will flush while showering.
|
||||
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
|
||||
Seeing is believing, Touching is convincing..
|
||||
Send $20 and I will doubble your IQ or no money back
|
||||
Send me a dollar and I'll send 3 cents to your charity.
|
||||
Sharks don't eat lawyers. Professional courtesy.
|
||||
She said she had nothing to wear. I smiled.
|
||||
Shock me, say something intelligent!
|
||||
Should we tell the children when we move?
|
||||
Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
|
||||
Solve the problems of the world: Vote anarchist.
|
||||
Some days you're the windshield, some days the bug.
|
||||
Still sliding down the razor blade of life
|
||||
Stipulation #1: There will be no stipulations
|
||||
Stop talking! I'm out of aspirin!
|
||||
Success is just a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
|
||||
Sure I can help you out! Which way did you come in?
|
||||
SWF, blonde bombshell, seeks man now. No SYSOPs.
|
||||
System halted. There is NOTHING you can do.
|
||||
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
|
||||
Take no prisoners, we can't feed them.
|
||||
The above opinion is worth 2 cents.
|
||||
The best defense against logic is stupidity.
|
||||
The bigger they are, the harder they hit you.
|
||||
The check's in the mail... Trust me!
|
||||
The earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.
|
||||
The girl of your dreams is unavailable except in print.
|
||||
The man who dies with the most toys is dead..
|
||||
The most expensive component is the one that breaks.
|
||||
The Negative orgasm: "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO !"
|
||||
The only dumb question is one you haven't asked yet.
|
||||
The tuna doesn't taste the same without the dolphin.
|
||||
The wise open their minds, but a fool opens his mouth.
|
||||
The world is coming to an end. Please log off properly.
|
||||
There are no bugs, only unrecognized features.
|
||||
There is no such thing as bravery; only degrees of fear.
|
||||
Things working well, no problems. Time to upgrade.
|
||||
This building is so high, the elevator shows movies.
|
||||
This is your brain. Postscript on brain your is This.
|
||||
Those with the weapons make the rules.
|
||||
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
|
||||
Tip #9: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
|
||||
To err is human, to forgive is against my policy
|
||||
To err is human. To moo is bovine.
|
||||
To every exception there is a rule.
|
||||
To get a loan you must prove you don't need it.
|
||||
To get the point, rub a porcupine backwards.
|
||||
To hell with criticism. Praise is good enough for me.
|
||||
To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.
|
||||
To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet!
|
||||
To test a man's character, give him power.
|
||||
Today is a good day for you to jump in a lake.
|
||||
Today is a good day to bribe a high--ranking official.
|
||||
Today is cancelled due to lack of interest!
|
||||
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
|
||||
Took an hour to bury the cat. Silly thing kept moving...
|
||||
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
|
||||
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
|
||||
Unfortunately, Wife 1.0 is not upgradable
|
||||
Unsolicited advice answers unasked questions
|
||||
Unzip, expand, explode... What pervert came up with this?
|
||||
Veni, vedi, VCR: I came, I saw, I dubbed.
|
||||
Want to confuse people? Quote from the wrong message!
|
||||
War never decides who is right, only who is left.
|
||||
We are born crying, live complaining, die disappointed
|
||||
We give nothing as willingly as our advice.
|
||||
We have no solution, but we sure admire the problem.
|
||||
We make our own fortunes and call them our fate.
|
||||
We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.
|
||||
We're all sitting in the same boat: I fish, you row.
|
||||
We're lost but we're making good time.
|
||||
Well, to be frank, I'd have to change my name.
|
||||
What are the instructions doing in the trash??
|
||||
What are you looking down here for? Read the message.
|
||||
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
|
||||
What is this tiny hole in the bathroom wall for?
|
||||
What part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
|
||||
What principles? I'm trying to get elected!
|
||||
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
|
||||
When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?
|
||||
When a girl goes bad--men go right after her.
|
||||
When all else fails, read the directions.
|
||||
When all else fails, read the manual.
|
||||
When all else fails, spend money!
|
||||
When all else is lost, the future still remains.
|
||||
When all is said and done, more is said then done.
|
||||
When an Agnostic dies, does he go to the Great Perhaps?
|
||||
When choosing between two evils, select the newer one.
|
||||
When I want your advice, I'll beat it out of you
|
||||
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
|
||||
When talking nonsense try not to be serious.
|
||||
When your IQ hits 21, SELL!!
|
||||
Who is General Failure, and *WHY* is he reading my disk?
|
||||
Why can't women put the toilet seat back up?
|
||||
Why do those that pay the least complain the most?
|
||||
Why get even, when you can get odd?
|
||||
Wife to sleeping spouse: "Wake up! Who the hell is Tina!!?"
|
||||
Windows speed tip: type DEL \WINDOWS\*.*
|
||||
Without my ignorance, your knowledge would be meaningless
|
||||
Women prefer the simple things in life...MEN!
|
||||
Women take to good hearted men. Also from.
|
||||
Women were meant to be loved, not understood.
|
||||
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
|
||||
Women who wear mini-skirts sure are cheeky folk.
|
||||
Women! Cant live with them, Cant live with them!
|
||||
Words are not food, though sometimes we must eat them.
|
||||
World Ends at 3pm; Film at 5 on WLKY Early News....
|
||||
Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see.
|
||||
Would it help if I got out and pushed?
|
||||
Would you like to have some pizza with that sausage?
|
||||
You are an example of why some animals eat their young.
|
||||
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
|
||||
You are in a maze of twisty little programs, all alike.
|
||||
You are in a maze of UUCP connections, all alike.
|
||||
You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.
|
||||
You can go home now, I can finish this without you.
|
||||
You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it.
|
||||
You can pick your friends, but not your relatives.
|
||||
You can send me to college, but you can't make me think.
|
||||
You CAN trust the government...ask any Indian.
|
||||
You can turn ANY conversation into one about sex!
|
||||
You can't do that. It's been digitally cursed.
|
||||
You go to heaven...God sneezes... What do you say?
|
||||
You have an important role as a negative example.
|
||||
You have been selected for a secret mission.
|
||||
You have mistaken me for someone who gives a damn
|
||||
You have only a very small head and must live within it.
|
||||
You have PMS and a Handgun? I'll go quietly.....
|
||||
You have the right to remain silent.... USE IT!
|
||||
You have to be sharp to be on the cutting edge.
|
||||
You have two choices for dinner: Take it or Leave it.
|
||||
You look like a million dollars. All in loose change.
|
||||
You may use this opinion for a two week trial period.
|
||||
You used to be indecisive. Now you're not sure.
|
||||
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
|
||||
You will be told about it tomorrow. Go home and prepare
|
||||
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
|
||||
You will never be younger then you are today..
|
||||
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
|
||||
You're always seated by a crying child during long flights.
|
||||
You're not losing more hair, you're gaining more scalp.
|
||||
You're not old, You're chronologically disadvantaged
|
||||
You're only young once. You're immature forever.
|
||||
You're PC if you think a "chick" is a baby bird.
|
||||
You've obviously been educated beyond your intelligence.
|
||||
Your aims are high, and you are incapable of much.
|
||||
Your analyst has you confused with another patient.
|
||||
Your boss is thinking about you.
|
||||
Your ex just called....she's with the IRS now.
|
||||
Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!
|
||||
1975
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/text.txt
Normal file
1975
textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/text.txt
Normal file
File diff suppressed because it is too large
Load Diff
49
textfiles.com/humor/a-zfuck.txt
Normal file
49
textfiles.com/humor/a-zfuck.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,49 @@
|
||||
|
||||
THE A-Z OF FOUL LANGUAGE M - Moist
|
||||
N - Nipples
|
||||
O - Orifice
|
||||
BY DEADBEAT/INDEPENDENT P - Pisser
|
||||
Q - Queer
|
||||
R - Roger
|
||||
It's a little known fact that there's S - Stapler
|
||||
a rude word for every letter of the T - Tits
|
||||
alphabet. Here's what I came up with: U - Udders
|
||||
V - Verruca
|
||||
A - Arsehole W - Wank
|
||||
B - Bugger X - Xylophone
|
||||
C - Cunt Y - Yak (See Z)
|
||||
D - Derriere (French!) Z - Zebra (If you into that sort of
|
||||
E - Erection thing!)
|
||||
F - Fellatio
|
||||
G - Gonads There you go, 26 fat-free ways for
|
||||
H - Hand (job) eternal damnation in purgatory, have
|
||||
I - Indecent Exposure fun! (Apoligiez fore any mispellongs!
|
||||
J - Jism But I'm a pure christian lad, who
|
||||
K - Knockers never uses these sort of words!)
|
||||
L - Lard!
|
||||
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
|
||||
|
||||
Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
|
||||
|
||||
& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
|
||||
Salted Slug Systems Strange 408-454-9368
|
||||
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
|
||||
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
|
||||
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
|
||||
Tomorrow's 0rder of Magnitude Finger_Man 415-961-9315
|
||||
My Dog Bit Jesus Suzanne D'Fault 510-658-8078
|
||||
|
||||
Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
|
||||
arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
|
||||
insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
|
||||
|
||||
Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
|
||||
where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
|
||||
|
||||
"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
|
||||
|
||||
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
|
||||
59
textfiles.com/humor/aa.jok
Normal file
59
textfiles.com/humor/aa.jok
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,59 @@
|
||||
From phil@adam.adelaide.edu.au Sun Nov 18 01:27:35 1990
|
||||
From: phil@adam.adelaide.edu.au (Phil Kernick)
|
||||
Subject: Alcoholics' Anthem
|
||||
Summary: The Alcoholics' Anthem
|
||||
Keywords: song
|
||||
|
||||
A while back there were a few funny songs posted, and now I present this
|
||||
one...
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Alcoholics' Anthem
|
||||
Tune: "Men of Harlech"
|
||||
From: Christchurch [N.Z.] University Revue
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
What's the use of drinking tea
|
||||
Indulging in sobriety
|
||||
And tee-total per-ver-sity
|
||||
It's healthier to booze.
|
||||
What's the use of milk and water,
|
||||
These are drinks that never oughter
|
||||
Be allowed in any quarter;
|
||||
Come on, lose your blues.
|
||||
|
||||
Mix yourself a Shandy!
|
||||
Drown yourself in Brandy!
|
||||
Sherry sweet,
|
||||
Or Whisky neat,
|
||||
Or any kind of liquor that is handy.
|
||||
There's no blinking sense in drinking
|
||||
Anything that doesn't make you stinking!
|
||||
There's no happiness like sinking
|
||||
Blotto to the Floor!
|
||||
|
||||
Put an end to all Frustration,
|
||||
Drinking may be your Salvation,
|
||||
End it all in dissipation
|
||||
Rotten to the core!
|
||||
Aberrations metabolic,
|
||||
Ceilings that are hyberbolic,
|
||||
These are for the Alcoholic
|
||||
Lying on the Floor!
|
||||
|
||||
Vodka for the Arty,
|
||||
Gin to make you Hearty,
|
||||
Lemonade was only made
|
||||
For drinking if your mother's at the Party.
|
||||
Steer clear of home-made beer,
|
||||
And anything that isn't labelled clear,
|
||||
There is nothing else to fear
|
||||
Bottoms up - My Boys.
|
||||
|
||||
--
|
||||
Phil Kernick EMail: phil@adam.adelaide.edu.au
|
||||
Departmental Engineer Phone: +618 228 5914
|
||||
Dept. of Psychology Fax: +618 224 0464
|
||||
University of Adelaide Mail: GPO Box 498 Adelaide SA 5001
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
BIN
textfiles.com/humor/abbott.txt
Normal file
BIN
textfiles.com/humor/abbott.txt
Normal file
Binary file not shown.
103
textfiles.com/humor/aclamt.txt
Normal file
103
textfiles.com/humor/aclamt.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,103 @@
|
||||
|
||||
Most of the definitions on the following lexicon of medical slang appeared
|
||||
a few years ago in the National Lampoon. Some of the definitions are
|
||||
funny. Most are sick. All are used in respected hospitals.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
===========================================================================
|
||||
|
||||
BOBBING FOR APPLES: Using the finger to unclog a severely constipated
|
||||
patient.
|
||||
|
||||
F.L.K.: "Funny-looking Kid." Usually a mongoloid.
|
||||
|
||||
F.L.P.: Parents of an F.L.K.
|
||||
|
||||
CRUMP, GORK, VEDGY: A patient requiring intensive care, incapable of
|
||||
movement, and
|
||||
CROCK: Hypochondriac.
|
||||
|
||||
MARRIAGEABLE MONSTER: A young female patient who has successfully undergone
|
||||
major plastic surgery.
|
||||
|
||||
GOMER: A senile, messy, or highly unpleasant patient.
|
||||
|
||||
FASCINOMA: A "fascinating" tumor; any interesting or amusing malignancy.
|
||||
|
||||
DROOLER: A catatonic patient.
|
||||
|
||||
CUT AND PASTE: To open a patient, discover that there is no hope, and
|
||||
immediately sew him up. Well, almost immediately. Sometimes young
|
||||
surgeons practice surgical techniques for a while first.
|
||||
|
||||
FOUR F-ER: A gallbladder patient. "Fat, forty-ish, flatulent female."
|
||||
|
||||
PINKY CHEATER: Latex finger cover used in gynecological and proctological
|
||||
examinations.
|
||||
|
||||
ROAD MAP: Injuries incurred by going through a car windshield face first.
|
||||
|
||||
A HOLE-IN-ONE: A gunshot wound through the mouth or rectum.
|
||||
|
||||
THE "O" SIGN: The letter O as formed by a patient's gaping mouth.
|
||||
|
||||
THE "Q" SIGN: A patient giving the O sign with his tongue hanging out.
|
||||
|
||||
THE DOTTED Q: The "Q" sign, with a fly on the tongue.
|
||||
|
||||
SIDEWALK SOUFFLE: A patient who has fallen from a building.
|
||||
|
||||
LOOSE CHANGE: A dangling limb in need of amputation.
|
||||
|
||||
BULL IN THE RING: A blocked large intestine.
|
||||
|
||||
GONE CAMPING: Reference to a patient in an oxygen tent.
|
||||
|
||||
EATING IN: Intravenous feeding.
|
||||
|
||||
BORDEAUX: Urine with blood in it.
|
||||
|
||||
SCRATCH AND SNIFF: A gynecological examination.
|
||||
|
||||
ANGEL LUST: A male cadaver with an erection.
|
||||
|
||||
HIT AND RUN: The act of operating quickly so as not to be late for another
|
||||
engagement.
|
||||
|
||||
CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Chairman of a pediatrics department.
|
||||
|
||||
ROOTERS: Indigents and hangers-on who gather in big-city emergency rooms in
|
||||
order to be entertained by legitimate cases.
|
||||
|
||||
SHORT-ORDER-CHEFS: Morgue workers.
|
||||
|
||||
LOOP THE LOOP: Flamboyant surgical rearrangement of the intestines.
|
||||
|
||||
BUGS IN THE RUG: Pubic lice.
|
||||
|
||||
HEY DOCS: Alcoholics handcuffed to wheelchairs in big-city medical wards
|
||||
who, at the sight of a white coat, bleat out in chorus, "Hey, Doc!"
|
||||
|
||||
BLOWN MIND: Gunshot wound to the head.
|
||||
|
||||
BOOGIE, GOOBER: A tumor.
|
||||
|
||||
THE DEEP FRY: Cobalt therapy.
|
||||
|
||||
ROASTED GOOBER: A tumor after intensive cobalt treatment.
|
||||
|
||||
HEALTHY GOOBER: A dead patient.
|
||||
|
||||
BURY THE HATCHET: Accidently leaving a surgical instrument inside a
|
||||
patient.
|
||||
|
||||
BOTTLE RETURN: Removal of a bottle that is vacuum-jammed in the anal canal,
|
||||
usually of a homosexual.
|
||||
|
||||
SILVER GOOSE, SILVER STALLION: Proctoscope.
|
||||
|
||||
SQUASH: Brain.
|
||||
|
||||
GAS PASSER: Anesthesiologist.
|
||||
|
||||
CRISPY CRITTUR: A patient with severe burns.
|
||||
337
textfiles.com/humor/acronym.lis
Normal file
337
textfiles.com/humor/acronym.lis
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,337 @@
|
||||
From slambo@maris.ucr.edu Thu Jun 7 15:14:22 1990
|
||||
From: slambo@maris.ucr.edu (sean lamb)
|
||||
Subject: The acronym list (long)
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
Well, here's the list of acronyms that I've collected over the school year.
|
||||
Please email any more to slambo@ucrmath.ucr.edu
|
||||
|
||||
-----------8<----------- cut here ------------------->8----------------------
|
||||
|
||||
Adidas:
|
||||
Adverytising Does Influeance Dumb A**hole's Selection.
|
||||
All Day I Dream About Sex.
|
||||
AIDS:
|
||||
Adios Infected Dick Sucker.
|
||||
Anus Infected Death Sentence.
|
||||
AMC:
|
||||
All Makes of Cars.
|
||||
Amiga:
|
||||
A Merely Insignificant Games Addition.
|
||||
Asinine Machine Invented for Gaming Adolescents.
|
||||
Audi:
|
||||
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence.
|
||||
Bitch:
|
||||
Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Charming and Horny.
|
||||
BMW:
|
||||
Babbling Mechanical Wrench.
|
||||
Basic Marin (county, Ca) Wheels.
|
||||
Beastly, Monstrous Wonder.
|
||||
Beautiful Masterpiece on Wheels.
|
||||
Mechanical Wonder.
|
||||
Big Money Waste.
|
||||
, Why?
|
||||
Works.
|
||||
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck.
|
||||
Born Moderately Wealthy.
|
||||
Break My Window.
|
||||
Broken Money Waster.
|
||||
Brutal Money Waster.
|
||||
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch.
|
||||
BNR:
|
||||
Built, Never Runs.
|
||||
Buick:
|
||||
Big Ugly Import Car Killer.
|
||||
Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer.
|
||||
CBM:
|
||||
Crash-prone Buggy Machines.
|
||||
CCBS:
|
||||
Close Cover Before Striking.
|
||||
Chevrolet:
|
||||
Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.
|
||||
Chevy:
|
||||
Charged HEaVilY.
|
||||
Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet.
|
||||
Cruddy Hick Engine, Very Yucky.
|
||||
DEC:
|
||||
Delay in Error Correction.
|
||||
Dildo:
|
||||
Deep Inter-Labial Device for Orgasm.
|
||||
Dodge:
|
||||
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy.
|
||||
Guarantee Expired.
|
||||
Or Dying Garbage Emitter.
|
||||
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere.
|
||||
DOS:
|
||||
Damned Obfuscated S**t.
|
||||
Fiat:
|
||||
Failure In Automotive Technology.
|
||||
Fix It Again, Tony.
|
||||
Futile (Feeble, F**king) Italian Attempt at Transportation.
|
||||
Fila (shoes):
|
||||
First In Ladies Attention.
|
||||
Found In Lowlife's Apparel.
|
||||
Ford:
|
||||
First On Race Day.
|
||||
Fix Or Repair Daily.
|
||||
Found On Road Dead.
|
||||
Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's.
|
||||
F***ed On Race Day.
|
||||
Over Rebuilt Dodge.
|
||||
GM:
|
||||
General Mainteneance.
|
||||
GMC:
|
||||
Garage Man's Companion.
|
||||
Generally Mediocre Cars.
|
||||
Get More Chicks.
|
||||
Got a Mechanic Coming.
|
||||
Got More Crap.
|
||||
IBM: IBM, UBM, we all BM for IBM.
|
||||
I Became Macintosh.
|
||||
Been hipMotized.
|
||||
Beg Mercy.
|
||||
Blame Microsoft.
|
||||
Bought Macintosh.
|
||||
Built Macintosh.
|
||||
Icky Blue Machines.
|
||||
Idiotic Bull Meter.
|
||||
Idiots Become Managers.
|
||||
Idiots' Bewilderment Machines.
|
||||
Idiots Bought Me.
|
||||
Bumblers and Morons.
|
||||
Illustrative of Bad Marketing.
|
||||
I'm Being Mobbedwithwhatdoesibmstandforanswers.
|
||||
Moved.
|
||||
Imitation Burrough's Machine.
|
||||
Immense Bins of Money.
|
||||
Bowel Movement.
|
||||
Bucket of Manure.
|
||||
Imperialism By Marketing.
|
||||
Impractical, But Marketable.
|
||||
In a Befuddled Manner.
|
||||
Bleakest Mordor.
|
||||
Business for Money.
|
||||
Incest Breeds Morons.
|
||||
Increasingly Becoming Moot.
|
||||
Incredible Bunch of Muffinheads.
|
||||
Bundle of Money.
|
||||
Incredibly Big Machine.
|
||||
Monopoly.
|
||||
Incredibly Brilliant Marketing.
|
||||
Industry's Biggest Mistake.
|
||||
Inefficient But Marketable.
|
||||
Inept Bull Meter.
|
||||
Inert Blue Monoliths.
|
||||
Inferior But Marketable.
|
||||
Inherently Bogus Measurements.
|
||||
Insipid Brainless Monster.
|
||||
Insolence Breeds Mediocrity.
|
||||
Installed By Masochists.
|
||||
Institute of Broken Minds.
|
||||
Black Magic.
|
||||
Integrated Bad Manners.
|
||||
Intelligent Bull Meter.
|
||||
Intensely Boring Machines.
|
||||
Interactive Boot Machines.
|
||||
Intercourse Beats Masturbation.
|
||||
Intergalactic Brotherhood of Muthaf**kas.
|
||||
Internal Bowel Movement.
|
||||
International Ballistic Missiles.
|
||||
Big Mother.
|
||||
Mouth.
|
||||
Brotherhood of Magicians.
|
||||
Buraeucracy Merchants.
|
||||
Business Machines.
|
||||
Manipulators.
|
||||
Intrepid Bureaucratic Madness.
|
||||
Involuntary Bowel Movement.
|
||||
Iron Brain Masters.
|
||||
Italian Branch of the Mafia.
|
||||
Business Men.
|
||||
It Beats Mattel.
|
||||
It's a Big Machine.
|
||||
a Blue Monolith.
|
||||
Better Manually.
|
||||
Big Money.
|
||||
Black Magic.
|
||||
Blue Magic.
|
||||
Boring Me.
|
||||
Broken, Mommy.
|
||||
Busted, Man.
|
||||
Itty Bitty Machines.
|
||||
Manuals.
|
||||
Minds.
|
||||
Monopoly.
|
||||
Morons.
|
||||
I've Been Misled.
|
||||
Molested.
|
||||
Moved.
|
||||
Mugged.
|
||||
IBM PC:
|
||||
I've Blown My Power Circuits.
|
||||
IMHO:
|
||||
Idiots Manage High Office.
|
||||
Individual Maintenance Health Organization.
|
||||
Iowa:
|
||||
Idiots Out Wandering Around.
|
||||
I Owe the World an Apology.
|
||||
IROC:
|
||||
I'm Really Out of Cash.
|
||||
I Race Other Cars.
|
||||
Run Over Children.
|
||||
It's Really Only a Camaro.
|
||||
IRS:
|
||||
Income Reduction Service.
|
||||
Japan:
|
||||
Jump And Pump All Night.
|
||||
Jeep:
|
||||
Just Eats Every Part.
|
||||
Mac:
|
||||
Malformed Apple Computer.
|
||||
Monstrously Aggravating Coding.
|
||||
Mouse Activated Computer.
|
||||
Mazda:
|
||||
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along.
|
||||
MG:
|
||||
Money Guzzler.
|
||||
MIG:
|
||||
Missed It, Gadaffi.
|
||||
Missed It, Goddammit.
|
||||
Mopar:
|
||||
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously.
|
||||
Mostly Old Parts (Paint) And Rust.
|
||||
Most Often Passed At Races.
|
||||
My Old Pig Ain't Running.
|
||||
Olds:
|
||||
One Leak, Dead Starter.
|
||||
Oldsmobile:
|
||||
Oh, Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot's Leaking
|
||||
Everything.
|
||||
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly
|
||||
Late Everyday
|
||||
Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Out-dated By Infamies Like Edsel.
|
||||
OS:
|
||||
Oh, Sh**.
|
||||
PC:
|
||||
Piece 'a Chit.
|
||||
Primitive Calculator.
|
||||
Pseudo-Computer.
|
||||
Pinto:
|
||||
Put In Nickel To Operate.
|
||||
Plymouth:
|
||||
Please Let Your Mother Out from Under The Hood.
|
||||
Pussy Lips in Your MOUTH.
|
||||
Pontiac:
|
||||
Poor Old Nigger Thinks It's A Cadillac.
|
||||
Porsche:
|
||||
Piece Of Retired Scrap, Continually High Expense.
|
||||
Procrastinate:
|
||||
People Rarely Obtain Coveted Rewards After Scheduling Tasks Into Never-
|
||||
Attainable Time Elements.
|
||||
PTL:
|
||||
Pacify The Loonies.
|
||||
Padres Tickle Ladies.
|
||||
Pagans Teaching Love.
|
||||
Pain The Logical.
|
||||
Panhandlers Turned Lorders.
|
||||
Pardon The Lapse.
|
||||
Lies.
|
||||
Part Tammy's Lips.
|
||||
The Lips.
|
||||
Thy Legs.
|
||||
Pass The Ladies.
|
||||
Lobster.
|
||||
Loot.
|
||||
Lube.
|
||||
Pathetic, Those Losers.
|
||||
Paw Those Labia.
|
||||
Pay Tammy's Lawyers.
|
||||
The Lady.
|
||||
Lawyers.
|
||||
Liar.
|
||||
Lord.
|
||||
Pay To Lucifer.
|
||||
Penchant To Leer.
|
||||
Penis, Tax, Lord.
|
||||
To Labia.
|
||||
Pennies Taken Liberally.
|
||||
People To Loathe.
|
||||
Pilfered Thousands, Lord.
|
||||
Pillage The Lost.
|
||||
Pills, Tranquilizers, Ludes.
|
||||
Pinheads To Lummoxes.
|
||||
Pivot Thy Loins.
|
||||
Pleasing The Libidos.
|
||||
Plot To Lust.
|
||||
Plunder The Laymen.
|
||||
Losers.
|
||||
Poke The Lady.
|
||||
Poontang Taken Liberally.
|
||||
Poor Tammy's Loaded.
|
||||
Poverty To Luxury.
|
||||
Praise Tammy's Lungs.
|
||||
The Libido.
|
||||
The Loot.
|
||||
To Lust.
|
||||
Prayers Too Late.
|
||||
Preachers Take Loot.
|
||||
Televised Loudly.
|
||||
Telling Lies.
|
||||
That Lie.
|
||||
, Thieves, Liars.
|
||||
To Lechers.
|
||||
To Leeches.
|
||||
Predisposed To Larceny.
|
||||
Pretend To Love.
|
||||
Pretty Tammy Lies.
|
||||
Pretzels To Lobsters.
|
||||
Price The Lord.
|
||||
Prison Term Likely.
|
||||
Long.
|
||||
Privy To Larceny.
|
||||
Profit, Then Loss.
|
||||
Promise Them Lies.
|
||||
Prone To Lust.
|
||||
Propositional Temporal Logic.
|
||||
Pry The Loot.
|
||||
Pursue The Ladies.
|
||||
Pussy Tastes Lovely.
|
||||
Russia:
|
||||
Rape Until She Screams In Agony.
|
||||
Saab:
|
||||
Send Another Auto Back.
|
||||
Stupid Arrogant Asshole Babies.
|
||||
Such An Arrogant Bastard.
|
||||
Swedish Auto Always Broken.
|
||||
s Are Best.
|
||||
Shoot to kill:
|
||||
Seriously High-strung On-road Off-road Totally Torn On
|
||||
Keeping Incandescent Lasers Lighted.
|
||||
SPSF (Southern Pacific Santa Fe railroad [never merged]):
|
||||
Shouldn't Paint So Fast.
|
||||
ST:
|
||||
Senseless Turbidity.
|
||||
Silly Toy.
|
||||
Sixteen Thirtytwo.
|
||||
Slow Technology.
|
||||
Thing.
|
||||
Still Trying.
|
||||
Stupid Terminal.
|
||||
Superior Technology.
|
||||
Toyota:
|
||||
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.
|
||||
UCI (Univ. of Calif. Irvine):
|
||||
Under Construction Indefinitely.
|
||||
UP (railroad):
|
||||
Union (like onion) Pathetic.
|
||||
USC (Univ. of Southern Calif.):
|
||||
University of Spoiled Children.
|
||||
VW:
|
||||
Virtually Worthless.
|
||||
|
||||
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||||
Slambo (not affiliated with Rambo | Why would anyone want to listen
|
||||
or Yambo or anyone else whose name | to a puny little undergrad CS
|
||||
ends in "...bo") | major in the first place?
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
35
textfiles.com/humor/acronym.txt
Normal file
35
textfiles.com/humor/acronym.txt
Normal file
@@ -0,0 +1,35 @@
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
MODERN ACRONYMS
|
||||
---------------
|
||||
OINKs one income, no kids
|
||||
DINKs double income, no kids
|
||||
PINKs private income, no kids
|
||||
LINCs low income, nine cats
|
||||
NINKs no income, nine kids
|
||||
DUDs demographically undesirable divorcee
|
||||
PODs punks on dope
|
||||
YAMs young assholes on mopeds
|
||||
SLIFs still living in the fifties
|
||||
SLITS still living in the sixties
|
||||
SHITs suburban heterosexuals in town to swing
|
||||
CANTs corporate animals, no talent
|
||||
SIMPs sexually inactive male professionals
|
||||
MIDGETs mentally inferior divorced guys expecting terrific sex
|
||||
TOADs tennis-obsessed advanced-degree holders
|
||||
RUGs rich ugly guys
|
||||
DRUGs dumb rich ugly guys
|
||||
SACs sixties acid casualties
|
||||
SIPs single-income pot smokers
|
||||
DORKs damned overpaid Republican know-it-alls
|
||||
FDAs former drug abusers
|
||||
YANKs young assholes, no kids
|
||||
NERDs nervous evangelicals, recently defrocked
|
||||
SOBs son of the boss
|
||||
CPAs car phone assholes
|
||||
WIGGs women into gay guys
|
||||
BICEPs bisexual college-educated professionals
|
||||
AWOLs always working-out at lunch time
|
||||
SLIMEs single lawyers into money and exercise
|
||||
RAMBOs right-wingers afraid of Mexicans, blacks and Orientals
|
||||
|
||||
2493
textfiles.com/humor/acronyms.txt
Normal file
2493
textfiles.com/humor/acronyms.txt
Normal file
File diff suppressed because it is too large
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Reference in New Issue
Block a user